All language subtitles for MASH.S01E14.Love.Story.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

Hey, Radar, why
don't you eat with us?

Okay.

That's a nice-looking
hors d'oeuvre.

Would you like
a doggy bag in advance?

Oh, don't give hima doggy bag.

He eats those, too,with cream and sugar.

Hey, what'sthe matter, kid? Come on.

You gotta stay in trainingfor the Olympic Glutton Team.

I'll see you guys later.

-What about your lunch?-I'm not eating.

That's a first.

Radar not eating.

Not eating?

We saw it
with our own eyes.

-Aw, come on.
-Henry, we were there.

You know,yesterday I walked in here

and found him on topof that filing cabinet

in the fetal position.

The fetal position?

Dr. Freud, call
your office, please.

And this morning,General Clayton calledfor the monthly report,

and Radar told him"We don't deliver."

Well, we don't.

Not after 6.

That's not the point.

Colonel Blake.

I'm in conference,Major.

What I have to say
is important.

I love shy, retiring women.

Colonel Blake,
I requisitioned

surgical silk
for the O.R.,

and I was sent two boxes
of ordinary cotton thread.

What are we supposed
to do with that?

How about learning
petit point?

The next time you see me,
I want a salute, Captain.

Shall we make it
in the women's
shower, Major?

You'd better do something

about the requisition
foul-ups, Colonel--

not your usual something,

but something
that means something.

I wonder how she'd like

some plaster of Paris
in her shaving cream?

Cotton thread. Do youknow how long it's been

since Radar screwed upa requisition?

Henry, he's cracking up.

Or sick. Or both.

Hey.

Hey, suppose we give hima complete physical,

take him through
a real workup.

Henry,that's a good idea.

Well, I sometimes get them.

Okay, Muscles,
step behind the screen.

Hey, you know,
you're cute.

Just take
the picture.

HAWKEYE:Kill the lights, Cutler.

CUTLER:
Hawkeye, do you mind?!

Keep your voice down.

You're disturbingthe patient!

She's not botherin' me.

Really, Hawkeye!

You act like sucha child at times!

Is it high?

High? According to this,

your blood should havewhitecaps.

Come on, snap it up,
will you, Radar?

Look, don't rush me.It makes me nervous.

Whistling doesn't help,you know.

Ah, come on,
get on with it.

Get it right this time,and I'll give you a lollipop.

Listen,everything is negative.

-You're in good shape.-Told you I was all right.

If you were any healthier,you could be In the Army.

Yeah. It's not organic.

Right. Your body is 1-A.

But your mind if 4-F.

You know, I've seenthese symptoms before.

It's called goldbricking.

My prescriptionis a little extra duty.

Frank, would you mind
not being so true
red-white-and-blue

first thing
in the morning?

Look, Radar,this examination

only answershalf the questions.

Now come on, tell us.

What's bugging you?

It's nothing.

Is that
why you walk around

staring at your navel?

Although I don't know
anybody else who would.

It's nothing, I said.

Now listen to me, soldier.

We're all in this togetherwith a common goal--

to serve our countryand repel the godlesshorde from the north

that would engulfour way of life.

-Frank.
-Hmm?

He's okay, but you're
making me sick.

Godless horde?

Oh, nertz to you.

Nertz?

Come on, Radar.
Let us help you.

Tell us, what's-what'sturnin' you into a fruitcake?

Come on, kid.
What is it?

Put it on and see.

FEMALE VOICE:
Hi, there, Radar.

This is Linda Sue, comin' to you from the glass booth

of Holtzman's
Department Store.

Everything
is real good here,

and, being as how you and I are engaged,

I think you should
be the first to know

I'm going to marry
Elroy Fimple.

Now, please don't
take it too hard

'cause I know we're all gonna be real good friends

if you come back alive.

Just a minute now.

ELROY: Hiya, ol' buddy!

Say, I'm awful sorry
about what happened,

but I guess you have
to charge it up

to ol' Mother Nature.

Well, you know how it is.

And I sure hope
you understand.

Good luck, and keep knockin' off them commies.

Bye now!

LINDA SUE:
Goodbye, Radar!

I'll always have
a soft place in my--

-Elroy!

-It's a glass booth!

Elroy!

Quit kissing
that part, can you?

Elroy!

A "Dear John" recording.

Listen, Radar,
I know it's rough--

Look, this
shouldn't be so hard.

What cures a man
of a broken heart?

Heavy alimony?

A date with Radar?

Yeah, let him take
you to the movies.

Oh, he's a nice
enough guy, but...

How 'bout tonight?

I can't, I'm busy.

I've got a date.

Oh, I'm sure.With whom?

You.

Who elsecan we think of?

Just a movie, O'Brien.

Or a walk over to
the rec tent for a beer.

Forget it.

Try it once.

Look, I promise you
he'll shave,

and he won't wear
his wool cap.

I'll even get him
to clean his glasses.

I'm very fond of him,

but I'm not going out withCorporal Radar O'Reilly,

and that's that.

Would you hand memy towel, please?

Dry yourself with this.

Trapper!

And I hope your shower
cap springs a leak.

He's bright,he's a good talker.

He's got a warm personalitywhen you get to know him.

Radar?
Oh, come on!

Now, look.Now, listen.

Just tryto imagine this.

You go for a walk in themoonlight down by the river.

Take along a blanketand a bottle of wine...

-Mm-hmm.
-Hmm?

You sit ina secluded spot.

There's just the soundof the rippling water.

Mmmm.

And then afterthat it's just

soft, moist, warm,passionate kisses.

Oh, yeah, Hawkeye.
Yeah...

Oh, hey, well,
what about Radar?

Radar who?

What?

Well, listen, thanksfor the try, guys, anyway.

-Look---I really appreciate it.

It just happens everybodyin camp was busy.

Don't let itmake you feel bad.

Yeah.

Radar,
you got to understand

no woman's worth
that kind of anguish.

Now look, let's face it.

I struck out inthe World Series of love.

Radar, just suffer.Don't try to write.

Lieutenant,
you'll stay here.

Lieutenant, come with me.

Corporal, get
the lieutenant's bags.

Uh, yes, sir.

Thanks.

That's sweet of you.

Um, Corporal?

-Hmm?
-Your hand.

Oh, that's all right.
I am not using it now.

Did you see her,
Hawkeye?

She's beautiful.

I know.
I heard the violins.

Actually, this isa very nice bottle of wine.

It's got a pictureof a vineyard on the label

just to show it was
made outta grapes.

What a nice gesture,
Captain.

Thank you very much.

It's for those days whenthe surgeons get restless.

And you cancall me Hawkeye.

You're obviously in charge

of making the replacements
feel at home, right?

Oh, I just drivethe Welcome Wagon.

I think you'llfind we're a mightyfriendly bunch of folks

here in Cowardly Valley,missy ma'am.

The Plays of George Bernard Shaw.

Plato's Republic.

Oh, autographed by the author.

The Complete Works
of D'Annunzio.

That's very interesting.

Do you like Italian poets?

No, but I'm crazy
about lasagna.

Lieutenant, I was wonderingif you'd like to come over

to the rec tenta little later

and meet some ofour brave little gang?

Oh, thanks. I'll meet
your brave little gang

in time, I'm sure.

There's one guy in particular

I know you'd enjoy meeting.

He's-He's a brilliantconversationalist.

Got a provocative senseof humor, an inquiring mind.

I know you'll love him.

I'm sure I would,
but, uh...

Vivaldi?

Bach at Carnegie Hall.

Tchaikovsky,Shostakovich...

You got some greattoe-tappers here.

At least you got
the names right.

Oh, thank you.

I'm a "Beer BarrelPolka" man myself.

Well, he said,how 'bout later?

Pick you uparound 8:00?

You know, Hawkeye,

you're a very famous
local character.

Who squealed?

And I am flattered.

But I'm also tired

and a little leery.

Thanks for the bottle.

I had a nice time
at your unpacking.

Hey, Radar,
you got a problem.

Come here.

This Lieutenant Andersonhas a brain.

Hawkeye, people with brainsdon't get transferred here.

Oh, yeah?

This kid brushes her teethwith an encyclopedia.

Look, I borrowed thesefrom Father Mulcahy

for training purposes.

You got a lottawork to do.

War and Peace
by Leo Tolstoy.

War and peace?

Yeah, well, Tolstoywas very flexible.

He went either way.

Now, look, you can'tpossibly read all of these.

-Just familiarize yourselfwith the names and dates.-Yeah.

You know--You know what I mean?

-Just fake it.
-Yeah.

Decline and Fall
of the Roman Empire.

That sounds serious.

Well, it was no picnic.

"The crumbling Roman Empire
was beset with strife."

You just spoiled
the movie for me.

What do I do if she
corners me on something?

Okay, all right.You just...

You look thoughtfuland you say:

"That's highlysignificant."

-No.-No, come on. Try it, try it.

That's highly
significant.

He said look thoughtful,not sick.

All right, okay,try this, try this:

"I consider thathorse-and-buggy thinking."

I consider that
horse-and-buggy thinking.

That's not bad.

-Hey!
-Yeah, I like that.

Now, look, you mightget into a discussionabout music with her.

Music?

Yeah, she's got somepretty highbrow taste.

Mozart? Bach?
All the biggies?

Bach is easy.

If she brings him up,you just smile

and you say:"Ahh, Bach."

-Ahh, Bach.-Smile a little bit.

-Ahh, Bach!
-That's nice.

Very good.That's not bad.

Now, if she throwsother guys at you

-like Shostakovich or Tchai--
-Who?

Shostakovichor Tchaikovsky,

just try to look bored.

That's your bored look?

Yeah.

Go back to lookin' sick.

What do I do if she asks
me what I like in music?

Well, say, uh...

"Well, I'm partialto the fugue."

Well, I'm partial
to the fugue.

Can I say that to
a girl I hardly know?

And, I've been working
at the headquarters
hospital in Seoul.

-Very GI compared to this.-Oh.

Well, We run a veryinformal shop around here.

We don't work too hard.

Yeah, we try not to
let the war spill over

into the cocktail hour.

-Say something.-Speaking of Tolstoy...

Tolstoy? What about him?

Uh, Radar was sayingjust the other day

how flexible he is.

Right, Radar?Remember that?

-Flexible?
-Flexible.

Uh, what Radar meant was

that Tolstoy could eitherwork at his writing

or, uh, not workat his writing.

Actually, he was one
of the hardest-working

neo-realist writers
of the 19th century.

I'll go along with that.

I'll tell you howI feel about Tolstoy.

That's highly significant.

I haven't said
anything yet.

That's okay.

I have confidence
in you, Lieutenant.

Would you like some ketchup?

It wouldn't hurt.

Thanks.

Real service.

I'm pretty good
with mustard, too.

Yeah, we use a lot ofketchup around here.

It improves the food.

Well, when in Rome...

The, uh, fall
of the Roman Empire

was due to
internal strife.

Yeah, that's interesting.

It's from The Decline and
Fall of the Roman Empire.

Radar reads an awful lot.

Big reader.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,he's voracious.

Really?

Is that true?

Maybe it is...

and maybe it isn't.

Did you ever see
anything like that?

Making a fuss over
an enlisted man?

Fawning all over him?

It's almost obscene,that's what it is.

Probably only gotone thing on her mind.

Don't say
that word, Frank.

Not at lunch.

I was telling Radar aboutthe great records you have.

Oh, yeah, you can borrow 'emany time you want to, Radar.

Oh, thanks.

I've got Shostakovich,

and I've got the LondonSymphony playing Tchaikovsky.

And, of course,I never travel anywhere

without good old
Johann Sebastian.

Ahh.

Bach.

What does that mean?
"Ahh, Bach"?

Uh, just that.
Ahh, Bach.

I think once you'vesaid that, you'vesaid it all.

Ahh, Bach.

All right, hold it.

Somehow,there's a mathematicalprecision about Bach,

a complexity that addsup to actual simplicity.

It-it goes
beyond emotion.

Um, I suppose non-loversof Bach, if there are any,

would never really beable to understand it.

It's against regulations

for enlisted personnelto consort with officers.

Major, has itoccurred to you

that these two peoplemay be in love?

-That's not important.-Not important?!

Without love,
what are we worth?

89 cents.

89 cents' worth of chemicalswalking around lonely.

That means my marriage
is only worth $1.78?

Colonel, Lieutenant Andersonis one of my nurses.

I'm responsible
for her conduct.

Corporal O'Reillyis your responsibility.

I want this affair
with him terminated!

Affair?!

You're worried
about Radar?

A near-sighted,
prepubescent corporal

with six toes
on each foot?

While we're at it,how many more physicals

are you and Frank
gonna exchange

before you declare
each other fit?

Are you going toenforce the regulations

or try to lose it
in the shuffle?

I'm warning you: break upthis little romance,

or you'll force meto make a formal complaint

over your head
to General Clayton.

One of these days
I'm gonna booby-trap
her garter belt.

Wonder how she'd like it

if I broke up her romancewith Frank Burns?

I wonder how
she'd feel about that.

Now, Pierce,I-I did not hear that.

I did not hear that,and if it comes to that,

I will-I will denyany complicity with,or knowledge of,

that sort of cheap,
low, sneaky,

underhanded maneuver.

Think you can do it?

You got it.

With a little
butter and salt.

Wouldn't you like some

if we sent out
for some popcorn?

All right, folks, we'll,uh, have our film now.

HAWKEYE:
I know what I need.

A couple of hotdogs,
like at a drive-in.

TRAPPER JOHN:
For what?

HAWKEYE:
To watch the movies with.

Okay, uh, folks,
you want to, uh...

Would you kind of settle--

All right, people, all right.

RADAR :
Quiet!

Thank you, Radar.

Our, uh, film todaydeals with, uh, the, uh,

newest methods oftreating cardiogenic shock.

And along with that,
we'll have some slides

on the newest drugs
available to us,

uh, for the treatment
of this, uh, disorder.

Lights, please, Radar?
Thank you.

-Hey, Frank.
-Yeah? Yeah?

Uh, Major, I just got
word that you're needed

right away
in the post-op.

Oh, coming.

Listen, this isright up your alley.

Yeah, well, yes,this is my specialty.

But practice
makes perfect.

-I've always said that.-Yeah, yeah.

HENRY: All right,
this is slide A,

followed, of course,
by slide...C?

B. By B.

Sir, either stop that,or I'll call the usher.

Ohh!

It's been days and daysand days and days, Frank.

Shall we try for tonight?

Mmm, my place or yours?

Yours. Last night, they
sewed me into my blanket.

Dr. Trueheart must havesomething going tonight,

right, lover?

-Anybody we know?
-Anybody we missed?

Just because
a man shaves,

-does it have to mean he's---Yes, it does!

That's why shaving
was invented:

to kill time
before a date.

It would never occur
to people of your ilk

that a man might just want
to get rid of his beard

and feel clean,
would it?

Oh, you'd be clean withor without a beard, Frank.

You're the cleanest
of the clean.

You're even cleaner.

You're so clean,
you're dirty.

An officer should
respect himself

and the men
he commands...

Oh, no.

Poor Frank.

Just can't hold
his chloroform.

Come in, darling.

What do you want?

Uh, Major Burns'
compliments, ma'am.

He's sorry, but he can't keephis date with you tonight.

Date? What date?

I have no datewith Major Burns.

We're just acquaintances.

Oh, we run into eachother once in a while.

Well, he can't run
into you tonight.

Where were you?

What happened
last night?

You wouldn'tbelieve it.

Those two maniacs?

They gave mea cologne overdose.

What?

Well, I told youyou wouldn't believe it.

Now?

You'd think they could
run that post-op ward

for just one nightwithout me.

I guess not.

You're a very
important man--

-Well...
-...ma'am.

All right, Sergeant.What is it?

What's--
What's what, Major?

I was told I was needed,and here I am.

What for?

That's what I'masking you.

We've got no problems
here, Major.

Except yours.

Well, then why did--

Margaret, dear...

it's me. Frank!

What are you doing?

What are we doing?

Just a littlepillow talk.

But don't tellthe housemother.

Ohh! You guys!

I've had it!
I've had it with...

Ohh!

What are you
doing in my bed?!

The first onewas too hard.

And the second one
was too soft.

All right, all right!

Now what's it gonna
take for you two

to leave me alone?

Ease up on Radarand Louise Anderson,

and cut out allthat GI garbage.

-Let 'em enjoy.
-No!

It's blackmail.

-Okay.
-Nighty-night.

Stop it! Stop it!

We have a "stop it".
Do I hear an "uncle"?

Uncle!

No calls toGeneral Clayton?

No more calls to
General Clayton.

And you'll stay off
Henry's back?

I'll get off
Henry's back.

Fine. And there'sjust one more thing.

What?!

Who is this manin bed with me?

Oh!

You don't know me.

I followed you home
from the movie.

Out!

Of course, it was
customary at that time

for musicians
to be subsidized
by wealthy patrons.

Here they are, America's
kid sweethearts.

And they owe it all to us.

The Acme Cupid company.

Considering the almost
insurmountable odds

against a young,
struggling composer,

his achievement, let alonehis prodigious output,

becomes even
more astounding.

-Hi, there.
-Hello.

Hiya, Radar.

-Radar?
-Aah! Bach!

Tolstoy?