All language subtitles for MASH.S01E10.I.Hate.A.Mystery.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

-One.
-One?

One.

Can you believe
this guy?

He asks for one.

Will you just deal?

Ten dollars.

Man's luck is notto be believed.

Nothing worse
than a sore winner.

Luck?

My openers.

Luck has nothing
to do with it.

I win all the timebecause my heart is pure.

Right, Frank?

You're a vice-ridden
degenerate, Pierce.

I think you even
have a heart.

Ooh, Frank,for a doctor,

that's a veryserious diagnosis.

Now, now, we all know how
competent and dedicated

Frank is.

That's why he and Hot Lipsspend every night together

in the examination room.

It so happens that
Major Houlihan and I

are studying the treatmentof cardiac arrests.

I wouldn't mind making acardiac arrest on Hot Lips.

Her name is Margaret.

Oh, $24.50, Ho-Jon.

What's the total?

Uh, $309.68, Hawkeye.

Let's keep those nickelsand dimes coming, gang.

You keep that up,

And I'm gonna putyour tongue in traction.

How did you two ever
become doctors?

Why did youbecome
a doctor, Major?

To meet girls.

It was the wish
of my dear mother,

the guiding force
of my life, who...

The frame.

My sterling silver frame!

Take it easy, Frank.

You stole
her frame, you...

Guys!

You've done some
terrible things before,

but this is
the worst!

You're fiends!

-Margaret, I--

-You look awful!
-Oh, no. Don't look.

Oh, Frank,
what do you want?

My mother'ssilver frame is gone.

Well, I didn't take it.

Well, I'm not accusing
you, but it's gone!

You know how much
my mother means to me.

Oh, Frank,
it's only a frame.

Well it's the principle.

I feel... violated.My own mother's picture.

To think those animalseven laid their hands on it.

Would you hand me
my brushes?

Well I don't thinkspanking them will do any good.

No, Frank,
I'm gonna brush my hair.

100 strokes, every night.

Well, it's getting late.I might just stay for 50.

-Frank, my brushes?
-Well, where are they?

On the night table
where I always keep them.

My brushes!

Where are they?
Where are my brushes?

Margaret,
control yourself!

They're gone!Somebody took them!

Margaret,
they're only brushes!

Oh, my--No, they're not!

My fathergave those to me!

-Leslie?
-Yes?

Oh! Oh, is it mine?

Oh, Henry!

That's the fish
you caught last week.

Your very first.

And you had it
stuffed just for me.

That's not all.

As a little token
of my admiration...

I sent to, uh,
Tokyo for this.

Oh, Henry!

Oh, it's not?

It certainly is.

A Sato Tanaka
double-cammed reel

with jeweled escarpment.

Well, I can hardly wait
to show the girls.

-Open it.
-Oh, yes!

-Henry?
-It's gone!

I've got post-op duty,
Captain.

Not for 26 minutes,
you don't.

I'll check my alarm watch.

Hmm. Must have left it
in the tent.

Well, we'll make
our own clock.

First you put
the big hand here,

and then
the little hand there.

You're runninga little fast.

-Hey.
-What a day.

I sawed up enough peopleto make a crazy quilt.

Have you seen my watch?

It's Tuesday. It's 1951.What more do you have to know?

Well, I'd liketo find my watch.

Ho-Jon, the elixir of life!

Drinks for me and my men,and water for our horses.

Oh, where is it?
There it is.

Oh.

Ah, the symphony begins.

The sultry saxophone
splashes of melody.

A subtle drumbrush
for counterpoint.

The plucking
of cool harp strings.

And now...

The silver vibes ofthe gentle swizzle stick.

And now, the silver vibes ofthe gentle swizzle stick.

-Ho-Jon?-"Stizzle swick" not here.

Who stole my "stizzle swick"?

If everybody'llkeep it down,

we're trying to talk!

-Radar?
-Ten-hut!

Call everyone to attention.
At ease, men.

Uh, everyone,
uh, be seated.

I assume you all read
my notice concerning

our recent crime wave.

I would have read it,
but the notice was stolen.

I'm talking about
the rash of thefts

that have plagued
our camp.

-Our plague has a rash.-That's the worst kind.

As it stated, uh,
in the interest of morale

and unity, the, uh--

-Pass the salt?
-Yes, of course.

The, uh, guilty party
need only return

the stolen articles
by 1900 hours,

uh, tonight.

Well, it is, uh, now1900 hours minus 30 seconds.

The lights will, uh,
now be turned off.

-Thank you, Radar.

And the aforementioned
guilty party

may now return the things.

WOMAN: Trapper, stop that!

TRAPPER: Stop what?I'm over here!

WOMAN 2:Oh, I'm sorry, Father!

MULCAHY:
Oh, that's all right,
my child.

You couldn't have known.Thank you.

HAWKEYE:
You little devil.

HOULIHAN:
What are you
talking about?

HAWKEYE: Frank,
you little devil!

FRANK:Oh, you're disgusting.

Radar, is it 1900 hours?

RADAR:I can't see the clock.

-Then turn on the...
-Hey, my bag is gone!

-Mine, too!
-Wait!

All right, now.
Who took my spoon?

Somebody took my spoon!

HENRY: I'm, uh, sorry
to say this, folks,

but, uh, you have left me no alternative

but to conduct a tent-by-tent search,

which will start
immediately

and continue until I unearth the guilty party

or parties, as the, uh, case or, uh, cases may be.

No one will be excluded from this grueling search.

I'm including myself, right down to my right hand,

Corporal O'Reilly.

Naturally, I regret any and all embarrassment

this may cause to whomsoever it does.

But, uh, you,
that is to say,

the guilty one of you,

have left me no other way

but to leave no stones

or even shower
unturned, uh, on.

At ease, men.

-McIntyre?
-Yeah?

-What's in here?
-Soot, sir.

-Soot?
-Yep.

I'll be the judge of that.

-Pierce?
-Yes?

Whose is this?

I'll give you
three guesses.

Open it.

Open it!

Oh, Henry,
don't be ridiculous.

Well, if you want my
opinion, this whole...

This whole thing isnot only a complete...

a complete waste of time,it's also an insult

to the intelligenceof everybody...

Why don't we have a drink?

Henry, this is crazy.

Actually,
it's past crazy.

It's taken a left turn
into ludicrous!

Look, if you will justtell me what the joke is,

then we can let things getback to abnormal around here.

Joke? You--

I don't have that bizarre
a sense of humor!

Oh, now weren't you the onewho sent General Barker

the brownies withthe laxative filling?

The court-martial forms,Colonel.

Court-martial?
Wait a minute.

What is this?

You trying to beat
the four-minute frame?

Speaking of which,

this goes right back
around my mother.

That is Exhibit A, Frank.

And you go into
the stockade.

Yes siree, Bob!
Right into the clink!

You tell him, Frank.

You know,
I've never hit a woman.

You put one hand on her...

I was thinking
of you, Frank.

Okay, let's knock it off.

Let me know when you all
come to your senses,

then we can find out
who really took this stuff.

I'm going to my tent.

Knock three times
and stay out.

Pierce?

If you would just signright here, Colonel.

Oh, come on, Major.

He was caught
with the goods.

At least that's the wayGeneral Barker understands it.

-You called---I called General Barker.

Excuse me,
I'll get my pen.

-Where is my pen?
-Pierce!

He's done it again!

-Oh, for--
-Here's your pen, sir.

-You left it on my desk.-Oh, thank you.

Now you see what happenswhen you jump to conclusions?

I say he should be kept underconstant surveillance.

That's ridiculous.

Why don't we get thegeneral's opinion on that?

Hiya, Radar. What's up?

Nothing much.What's-- What are you up to?

I'm just laying around.

That's the way I feel, too.

You mind if I justlay around with you?

Not if you use
another bunk.

Why are you staring at me?

I'm not staring at you.

I'm just looking in yourdirection, that's all.

Well, that's
a very fine distinction.

Hi.

How's it going?Any wealthy patients check in?

What are you
doing there, Radar?

Staring at me.
It's a new hobby.

-Scalpel.
-Scalpel.

One scalpel.

And now a special dedication

to Captain Hawkeye Pierce.

"Someone To Watch Over Me."

Looking for me,
Hawkeye?

Uh, not really.

Have a seat, my son.

May I--
May I help you?

I've been hopingyou'd stop by.

I mean, don't be deceivedby these trappings.

Underneath them,I'm just an ordinary man

who is as proneto temptation as you are.

Would you like to
talk about it, Father?

You're overwrought.

It's quite normal

considering the burdenyou must be carrying.

Hmm.

In other words,
you think I did it, too.

Well, I only know that,given our circumstances,

the best of uscan behave in erratic

and irresponsible ways.

As with everything else,it's all in here.

The dictionary?

I did have a Bible here.

Thanks anyway, Father.

Hawkeye?

Attention, tonight's movie is "Les Misérablah-- ables,"

the riveting tale
of a man who steals

and is relentlessly pursued.

Sort of like
somebody we all know.

Barbara, just the warm
body I wanted to see.

-Oops, the other one.-Let's go down to the river

and practice mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.

I don't think so.

Lieutenant, I've alwaysadmired your analytical mind.

You're one of the peoplewho can see things clearly

without emotion or prejudice.Let me ask you--

I think you did it.

Let me rephrasethe question.

How would you assessmy general character?

You're cynical and selfish.

When you're not in
the operating room,

all you ever think about
is your own pleasure.

Don't sugar-coat it.Give it to me straight.

I'm very disappointed
in you, Hawkeye.

Not surprised,
but disappointed.

Come on, Radar.Let's call it a night.

It's the end of the trailfor you tomorrow, Radar,

'cause I'm putting an endto all this foolishness.

I know how to find out
who's behind all this,

and then it's everybody
off my back!

Getting so a man can't talkto his own shrub around here.

Aw, come on, Henry.Now what do ya got to lose?

Listen, if we can catchthe person that did this,

you're liable to
get a promotion.

-Aww, c---Or better yet, a transfer.

A transfer?Well, what do I have to do?

This is just between
the two of us.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, now,
listen carefully!

Tomorrow morning,
the supply chopper

is coming in here with the necessary equipment

for me to lift
the fingerprints

off the stolen articles!

HENRY: Uh-huh.

HAWKEYE: Give me those articles

for one hour and we'll have our thief!

Pierce, that stuff issafely locked in my desk.

What?

That stuff is safely
locked in my desk,

and that's where
it's gonna stay.

Okay, Henry.If that's the way you want it.

-That's the way I want it.
-And thanks.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Why me? Why me?

Attention,
the following personnel

report immediately to the mess tent.

Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake,

Lieutenant Leslie Scorch,

Trapper John McIntyre, Major Frank Burns,

Major Margaret Houlihan,

Captain Spearchucker Jones,

Lieutenant
Barbara Bannerman,

Corporal Radar O'Reilly.

What is it?An air raid?

I don't know. Who knows.

What is the meaning of this?

Who called this meeting?

Now, look, I am
the commanding officer

and I'm the only oneauthorized to call meetings.

Good evening.

Thank you all for coming.

I trust you'll forgive mefor disturbing you

at this late hour,
but the time has come

to unmaskthe guilty party,

the perpetrator of thisbad practical joke.

We know who
the guilty party is.

Why do you let--

Contain yourself,Dr. Burns.

Remember the old adage--

"Methinks he doth
protest too much."

Who does he think he is?

"The Thin Man"?

You dislike me enough
to wish me transferred

to another base.

Preferably
an enemy base.

But let us not forget
Major Houlihan.

Tough, ambitious,yet greasy, Major Houlihan.

Why think of one culprit?

Why not a pair of
sweethearts in crime?

-You are sick.
-Still...

Another colleague
resents me because of his

consistent losses
at the gaming tables.

The man's a fruitcake!

Yet you, Lieutenant,also had a motive of jealousy,

because I share my affectionsamong the ladies.

You told me
I was the only one that--

Ha! Of course, my legendaryprowess with the fairer sex

was cause for envy
on the part of...

-Dr. McIntyre.
-Legendary?

I've seen you strike outin a geisha house.

Still we must remember thatthe thefts were committed

in several places,

indicating that
the thief had access

to the various tents,

and was perhaps short
enough to go unnoticed.

There is only one man
here short enough

to bathe
in his own helmet.

Right, Radar?

Me?I'm not short.

Let us not overlook
the possibility

of a mastermind
who commands others

to do his bidding,right, Henry?

Uh, sign what, Radar?

I'm sorry, Pierce.I think it's going very well.

A most perplexing riddle,

calling for the most
ingenious of solutions.

Thus I made it publicly knownthat there were fingerprints

to be found on
the stolen articles,

thereby tempting the criminalto repeat his crime

and retrieve
his ill-gotten booty,

or his "ill-booten gotty."

Which he has done.

However, in so doing,he has exposed himself.

Because I took the
precaution of treating

the stolen articles withhydrochloric-alpha-terracin.

What'shydrochloric-alpha-terracin?

A chemical which is
at this moment...

coloring the culprit's
fingernails...

blue.

Look, no blue.

Yeah, I know.There couldn't be.

I was bluffing.

Why, Ho-Jon?

What did you need
those things for?

For money.

To bring my mother and sisterfrom our village up north.

To bribethe border guards.

I-I didn't think anyone wouldmiss their bits and pieces.

You're all so rich.

And your footlocker was thesafest place to hide things.

Why didn't you justcome and ask us?

-Yeah.
-Well, I didn't think

you'd give me bribe money.

Bribery is dishonest.

Look, Ho-Jon,if it'll help at all,

you can just keepthe fishing reel.

I've got other brushes.

Oh, no.You're all too good.

-I can't take your things.-You took them before.

Okay.

We really had to
twist his arm.

Okay, now, that's settled.

Now do you have enoughto stuff to bring

your mother and sister here?

Oh, yes, becauseI have money, too.

Yeah, well how muchmoney can you have?

300 and almost ten dollars.

Isn't that fantastic?

This kid only makesa couple of bucks a week,

but he's been putting asidehis nickels and pennies...

and stealingmy poker winnings.

Oh, so I could bringmy other sister,

and my baby brother...

Forget it, Hawkeye.
There's too many.

Bring 'em all.That's fine.

-Come on.-I'll make you a martini.

-Let's make that...
-I'm not short.

Well, I'm not.
Well, I'm not short.

My mother was a little short.

That's fascinating.

Oh, it is. It is.

Oh, yes, yes,
very definitely.

You see, it was afterhe returned to the garden

that he discovered that
three of his apostles

were missing.

Well, don't look at me.
I didn't take 'em.