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1
00:00:16,030 --> 00:00:18,830
I am Vlad the Impaler Dracula,
you can all suck my cock.
2
00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:21,830
I am Vlad the Impaler Dracula,
you can all suck my cock.
3
00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:25,250
I am Vlad the Impaler Dracula,
you can all suck my cock...
4
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:14,340
Superb! Like Fluxus films!
5
00:01:14,970 --> 00:01:17,300
Brilliant mise-en-scène!
6
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:20,890
I'm this film's writer and director.
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00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:26,020
Some time ago I agreed to make
a film based on the Dracula myth.
8
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A commercial, popular film.
9
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But I can't do it!
I have zero ideas!
10
00:01:32,820 --> 00:01:35,740
While I was struggling with this project,
11
00:01:36,110 --> 00:01:40,120
fortunately, AI has developed a lot!
12
00:01:40,410 --> 00:01:44,410
What you've just seen was
made with the Vlaicu2000 AI.
13
00:01:46,620 --> 00:01:48,000
What?
14
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:56,420
The funds, the producers and distributors,
they did a test screening,
15
00:01:56,630 --> 00:01:59,970
and apparently the audience
was not at all happy.
16
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,100
82 percent.
17
00:02:03,470 --> 00:02:07,890
So it looks like
I'll have to make this Dracula film.
18
00:02:08,100 --> 00:02:12,190
Great! This will be super-commercial.
19
00:02:12,730 --> 00:02:15,690
Nudity, sex, feelings,
20
00:02:15,860 --> 00:02:19,530
violence, car chases, lots of blood,
21
00:02:19,700 --> 00:02:21,950
jokes, gags, slapstick,
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00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:25,700
"piss yourself laughing,"
in specialised lingo.
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00:02:25,870 --> 00:02:27,910
Well then, God bless!
24
00:02:45,770 --> 00:02:51,350
A demon on the wing,
O, hast thou seen the fiend?
25
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:56,940
Like lightning 'cross the sky
To Floarea's house he flew!
26
00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,070
Then down the chimney, sooth!
27
00:03:00,450 --> 00:03:05,580
Fast as an evil wind!
O Lord, and how he keened!
28
00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:08,710
Say, hast thou seen him too?
29
00:03:08,870 --> 00:03:14,540
A dragon of white light
with flaming, fearsome tail,
30
00:03:14,670 --> 00:03:19,880
And gems beyond compare
did shine on him like fire.
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00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:25,600
The poor girl is a shadow,
her skin a sickly hue,
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00:03:25,810 --> 00:03:31,190
The beast's ungodly torture
is tearing her apart.
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00:03:31,310 --> 00:03:36,570
Heed the old wives' advice,
its words tested and true:
34
00:03:36,730 --> 00:03:42,490
Young maidens, stay away
from the fires of the heart!
35
00:03:43,570 --> 00:03:45,660
Of the heart.
36
00:03:45,830 --> 00:03:49,000
Thank you!
Feel free to applaud!
37
00:03:49,700 --> 00:03:52,120
That faggot can sing!
38
00:03:57,590 --> 00:03:59,010
Thank you!
39
00:03:59,420 --> 00:04:05,350
Good evening!
I am Adonis, welcome to our show!
40
00:04:05,510 --> 00:04:07,430
Which begins with...
41
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:11,690
the mystery of physicist Ludwig Boltzmann!
42
00:04:11,850 --> 00:04:13,810
A dead body, he says,
43
00:04:13,980 --> 00:04:17,150
can come back to live a second life,
44
00:04:17,690 --> 00:04:20,740
a reverse picture of their first.
45
00:04:20,900 --> 00:04:24,950
But the likelihood of such
a phenomenon, my dear lady,
46
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,120
is fantastically low.
47
00:04:27,450 --> 00:04:30,290
Advocates of statistical mechanics claim
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00:04:30,410 --> 00:04:33,540
we have not yet experienced such a wonder
49
00:04:33,750 --> 00:04:38,000
because we have not yet observed
a sufficient number of...
50
00:04:38,550 --> 00:04:40,170
dead bodies, Madam!
51
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:43,170
It's like the law of large numbers.
52
00:04:43,340 --> 00:04:45,430
The more people die,
53
00:04:45,550 --> 00:04:48,010
billions to the power of billions,
54
00:04:48,140 --> 00:04:51,310
the higher the chance of some reviving!
55
00:04:51,890 --> 00:04:53,350
Or becoming...
56
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,230
Living dead.
57
00:04:58,980 --> 00:05:03,110
The undead!
That is the subject of tonight's story
58
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:06,910
in our restaurant,
which is highly select and secret.
59
00:05:07,070 --> 00:05:10,330
Let us welcome Vampira with applause!
60
00:05:17,630 --> 00:05:21,750
As Mina, played by our peerless Vampira,
61
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,510
awaits her beloved Jonathan Harker,
62
00:05:24,630 --> 00:05:27,590
played by your humble servant,
63
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:31,390
he is busy in Transylvania,
right here, in Sighișoara.
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00:05:39,060 --> 00:05:42,280
Rats, rats, rats!
65
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:46,400
Thousands, millions of them,
and every one a life.
66
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:50,780
And dogs to eat them, and cats too.
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00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,290
All red blood,
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00:05:53,450 --> 00:05:55,790
with years of life in it.
69
00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:58,880
All these lives will I give you, my love,
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00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:03,960
and many more and greater,
through countless ages,
71
00:06:04,130 --> 00:06:07,840
if you will fall down and worship me!
72
00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:10,350
I worship you, Master!
73
00:06:11,010 --> 00:06:12,390
Very well.
74
00:06:12,930 --> 00:06:16,390
But first, a little refreshment.
75
00:06:23,230 --> 00:06:27,650
We remind you that photographing
or recording through any means
76
00:06:27,650 --> 00:06:29,950
are strictly prohibited.
77
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Touching the performers outside
the specially designated scenes,
78
00:06:35,540 --> 00:06:37,910
some requiring prior payment,
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00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,080
is also strictly prohibited.
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00:06:44,250 --> 00:06:47,380
Bitch got killer tits!
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Bravo! Applause!
82
00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:59,100
That was so good, my love!
83
00:06:59,850 --> 00:07:01,850
You got some on me,
motherfucker!
84
00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:03,650
You better not have AIDS!
85
00:07:03,820 --> 00:07:06,480
My love, Mina.
How faint you are!
86
00:07:07,530 --> 00:07:11,860
Was I once again attacked
by that infernal monster?
87
00:07:11,870 --> 00:07:13,410
Worry not!
88
00:07:13,660 --> 00:07:17,200
I have summoned Dr. Van Helsing
from the University Hospital.
89
00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:19,540
Together we shall defeat Dracula.
90
00:07:19,710 --> 00:07:24,420
Beloved Mina, you are
safe here until the sunset;
91
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,550
and before then we shall return -
92
00:07:27,710 --> 00:07:29,300
Them tits!
93
00:07:29,470 --> 00:07:31,590
Yes, we shall return!
94
00:07:32,550 --> 00:07:37,180
But first I will arm you
against personal attack.
95
00:07:38,270 --> 00:07:42,480
On your forehead I touch
this piece of Sacred Wafer
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00:07:44,810 --> 00:07:47,190
in the name of the Father,
97
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,530
the Son,
98
00:07:49,690 --> 00:07:52,160
and the Holy Spirit,
99
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,830
Amen.
100
00:07:55,990 --> 00:07:59,660
Kyrie eleison...
101
00:08:13,220 --> 00:08:14,590
Quiet!
102
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:18,770
- Next, part two of our -
- Shitty show.
103
00:08:18,890 --> 00:08:20,430
Thank you, Madam, bye.
104
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,850
Those wanting to join
Dracula in the Pink Salon -
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00:08:22,980 --> 00:08:24,400
Fuck off!
106
00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:26,400
to live out their fantasies,
107
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:29,820
or, for 30 minutes,
join Vampira in the Purple Salon,
108
00:08:29,980 --> 00:08:33,240
can start placing their bids now!
109
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:38,120
One hour with Dracula!
Starting at 1000 euros!
110
00:08:38,330 --> 00:08:39,910
Do I see more?
111
00:08:39,910 --> 00:08:42,870
Look at those long canines!
Show them!
112
00:08:43,370 --> 00:08:46,380
- 1200 euro.
- For a blowjob?
113
00:08:46,580 --> 00:08:48,340
Oh, excellent choice!
114
00:08:48,500 --> 00:08:51,010
Ladies, don't be shy.
115
00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:54,380
He has huge skill with his teeth,
the pleasure will be all yours!
116
00:08:54,510 --> 00:08:56,590
Something to tell your grandchildren.
117
00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,140
1500 euros!
118
00:08:58,140 --> 00:09:01,060
1500 going once, going twice -
119
00:09:01,220 --> 00:09:03,350
Gone! Bravo!
120
00:09:06,150 --> 00:09:07,810
Go to the Pink Room!
121
00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:09,650
Enjoy the love machine!
122
00:09:28,380 --> 00:09:31,590
Now suck Popeye
the Sailor Man's dick, Dracula!
123
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:32,670
What?
124
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:33,880
Here.
125
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Suck him.
126
00:09:38,340 --> 00:09:40,760
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man,
127
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,020
I yam what I yam
and that's all that I yam,
128
00:09:46,230 --> 00:09:48,520
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.
129
00:09:48,690 --> 00:09:50,270
Spinach for me!
130
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:56,700
Now touch my clitoris
with your sharp teeth.
131
00:09:56,990 --> 00:09:59,200
Lick my pussy, Dracula!
132
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:15,880
Now fuck me, Dracula!
133
00:10:16,420 --> 00:10:17,760
Fuck me!
134
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:21,760
Fuck me 'til the blood
comes out of my pussy!
135
00:10:24,430 --> 00:10:25,810
What's up?
136
00:10:27,350 --> 00:10:28,770
Cannot do.
137
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:31,230
Cock down. Finished.
138
00:10:32,270 --> 00:10:33,780
Fucking moron!
139
00:10:36,030 --> 00:10:37,950
- Sorry.
- "Sorry"!
140
00:10:40,780 --> 00:10:43,490
He couldn't perform.
He's a fucking impotent!
141
00:10:43,620 --> 00:10:45,620
Sorry.
Again, Uncle Sandu?
142
00:10:45,620 --> 00:10:47,620
It's my age, son.
143
00:10:47,620 --> 00:10:49,420
Sorry, it was for the first time.
144
00:10:50,670 --> 00:10:52,290
I want my money back.
145
00:10:52,290 --> 00:10:54,090
I did lick her pussy.
146
00:10:54,210 --> 00:10:58,760
- But he performed with the mouth!
- I want my 1500 back!
147
00:10:58,930 --> 00:11:02,760
Don't worry, we'll reimburse you.
Give her the money back.
148
00:11:09,100 --> 00:11:12,520
And here is the most
popular part of our show!
149
00:11:13,060 --> 00:11:18,240
Dracula and Mina, now his
partner in crime and hanky-panky,
150
00:11:19,070 --> 00:11:22,490
flee, trying to escape
their just punishment.
151
00:11:22,780 --> 00:11:26,120
The perimeter is marked
on the map sent to your phones.
152
00:11:26,370 --> 00:11:28,000
I repeat the rules:
153
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,620
they will only hide in public places.
154
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:33,380
No private homes or vegetable patches.
155
00:11:33,630 --> 00:11:37,050
So don't barge into
hotel rooms on hot couples.
156
00:11:37,260 --> 00:11:41,430
At most, you'll find
that pervy Professor Bulai.
157
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:47,010
No assaulting the performers,
the stakes are just for a little...
158
00:11:47,180 --> 00:11:48,810
oomph, Madam!
159
00:11:49,310 --> 00:11:50,480
The kid's so sweet.
160
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:51,390
Ready,
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00:11:52,060 --> 00:11:53,190
steady,
162
00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:55,020
go!
163
00:11:55,190 --> 00:11:57,980
Stop!
They get a minute's advance.
164
00:11:58,150 --> 00:11:59,690
One, two...
165
00:12:00,150 --> 00:12:05,030
59, 58, 57...
166
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:15,880
Let's go left!
167
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:22,180
3, 2, 1, go!
168
00:12:57,790 --> 00:12:59,880
Dracula sucks cock!
169
00:13:12,310 --> 00:13:13,890
Dracula sucks cock!
170
00:13:20,110 --> 00:13:21,820
Come on!
171
00:13:22,650 --> 00:13:23,990
Hurry up!
172
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:36,210
Hope they catch us quick
so we can wrap up the fucking show.
173
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,170
You know it never takes long.
174
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:02,780
There you were, you rats!
175
00:14:02,940 --> 00:14:05,780
Congratulations, you caught us!
176
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:22,210
Motherfucker!
177
00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:25,460
Some spectators might be disappointed.
178
00:14:25,590 --> 00:14:29,010
The film title is Dracula,
but it's not about Dracula.
179
00:14:29,180 --> 00:14:31,800
Just a washed-up actor playing Dracula.
180
00:14:32,010 --> 00:14:35,520
I apologise!
Or, to quote a serious film character:
181
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:37,520
"I accept your condemnation!"
182
00:14:37,730 --> 00:14:41,810
Fortunately, I've found a much better AI.
183
00:14:42,110 --> 00:14:44,650
Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0.
184
00:14:44,820 --> 00:14:47,450
By an American-Japanese company.
185
00:14:47,990 --> 00:14:51,370
So, dear Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0,
186
00:14:51,530 --> 00:14:54,950
you find a way for
Vlad the Impaler and Dracula
187
00:14:54,950 --> 00:14:58,410
to become one and the same
and appear in modern-day Romania.
188
00:14:58,620 --> 00:15:01,040
I want it to be the bomb!
189
00:15:01,250 --> 00:15:05,300
But with some deeper,
philosophical stuff too.
190
00:15:05,630 --> 00:15:07,590
Of course. How do we begin?
191
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,680
Let's do something...
192
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:11,510
Science-y.
193
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:15,140
Something cool and trendy.
194
00:15:15,470 --> 00:15:16,720
Right away.
195
00:15:16,850 --> 00:15:21,650
1. Eutrophia
196
00:15:23,900 --> 00:15:28,440
Claudia Cardinale visited this clinic,
as did Pablo Neruda.
197
00:15:28,990 --> 00:15:33,910
Ana Aslan treated
Salvador Dalí's famous wife, Gala.
198
00:15:34,740 --> 00:15:35,950
Nixon, too.
199
00:15:36,330 --> 00:15:38,660
Charlie Chaplin was here too.
200
00:15:38,910 --> 00:15:41,790
Even Lillian Gish,
who starred in Griffith's films.
201
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:46,050
Many did not want it known
they were under eutrophic treatment
202
00:15:46,250 --> 00:15:47,800
for rejuvenation.
203
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:51,220
Professor Ana Aslan was very discreet.
204
00:15:51,430 --> 00:15:56,310
She met General Franco in Spain,
but didn't even know where he lived,
205
00:15:56,470 --> 00:16:01,850
because she was driven to
his residence in a tinted-window car.
206
00:16:02,270 --> 00:16:07,230
Aristotle Onassis sent a private jet
for her to treat him on Skorpios Island.
207
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:12,610
She was impressed by
Onassis' immense charm.
208
00:16:12,780 --> 00:16:15,700
Good day, Mrs. Lucy!
Ready for the next round?
209
00:16:15,910 --> 00:16:18,330
I feel younger already!
210
00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:22,920
I was watching this about Ana Aslan.
She was quite something!
211
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:26,040
So many stars came here for her treatment.
212
00:16:26,290 --> 00:16:28,250
Even Nixon and Chaplin!
213
00:16:28,250 --> 00:16:32,340
Yeah, she invented this treatment for
staying young as long as possible
214
00:16:32,340 --> 00:16:34,050
as a humanistic thing.
215
00:16:34,220 --> 00:16:37,600
Actually, you know, it's dangerous,
you don't know who wants to use it.
216
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:42,440
This is why it's still a secret,
we all sign confidential papers and...
217
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:47,570
My opinion is that
Ceaușescu wanted to live forever
218
00:16:47,690 --> 00:16:51,360
and he created all the conditions
for Mrs. Aslan to work for him.
219
00:16:51,570 --> 00:16:56,070
If he hadn't been executed,
he'd be alive even today.
220
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,490
You must drink it slowly.
221
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:06,630
Wanna go in the music room
and listen to something?
222
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:08,920
Wagner, like yesterday?
223
00:17:09,130 --> 00:17:11,840
I noticed there is a kind of theatre hall.
224
00:17:12,170 --> 00:17:14,220
Any plays performed there?
225
00:17:14,380 --> 00:17:15,930
Not anymore.
226
00:17:15,930 --> 00:17:19,180
Actually, when
Mr. Steven Spielberg was in our clinic,
227
00:17:19,180 --> 00:17:21,220
he asked to have
Ceaușescu's screening room.
228
00:17:21,390 --> 00:17:22,980
Spielberg was here?
229
00:17:23,140 --> 00:17:27,020
Yes, and he wanted
to see films all the time.
230
00:17:27,190 --> 00:17:28,810
John Ford's films.
231
00:17:29,020 --> 00:17:31,780
But sometimes even
bad Romanian films.
232
00:17:31,980 --> 00:17:34,860
Old films on these big rolls, you know.
233
00:17:35,150 --> 00:17:38,320
He laughed a lot,
he considered them so stupid.
234
00:17:38,530 --> 00:17:43,200
We offered him a huge TV set,
but still he preferred old technology.
235
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:47,420
I would like to see
a film there, if it's possible.
236
00:17:47,710 --> 00:17:49,380
Casablanca?
237
00:17:49,590 --> 00:17:52,300
That will be an extra fee of 1000 euros.
238
00:18:04,270 --> 00:18:07,980
The porter was here when
Dalí and Chaplin were here.
239
00:18:09,770 --> 00:18:11,440
How was Chaplin?
240
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:14,280
The lady wants to know about Chaplin.
241
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:18,070
Damn bastard!
So boring and always angry.
242
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:19,870
No fun at all.
243
00:18:19,990 --> 00:18:23,870
He was all shriveled up
and swore like a Cossack.
244
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:30,080
And he always argued with
that old broad, Lillian Gish.
245
00:18:30,790 --> 00:18:32,540
Over dough, I guess.
246
00:18:32,550 --> 00:18:34,550
We're talking big bucks.
247
00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:36,470
Hear this,
248
00:18:36,630 --> 00:18:41,260
one day I saw him
cram her into that corner,
249
00:18:41,510 --> 00:18:45,310
and she sucked his... you know.
250
00:18:52,020 --> 00:18:53,570
Damn broad.
251
00:18:53,730 --> 00:18:57,190
- Your Highness, command me.
- Catch every scoundrel in this country.
252
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,450
Hardly possible, Your Highness.
253
00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:02,990
Many take refuge
on the boyars' domains.
254
00:19:06,500 --> 00:19:09,330
We have no power there yet.
255
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:14,300
The boyars again.
256
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,420
You should have slain them,
Your Highness.
257
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:25,220
Iunus Beg's army has been
hanging here for a year.
258
00:19:25,890 --> 00:19:27,930
Let us give the dead their due.
259
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:53,500
Do you think to serve only yourselves?
260
00:20:02,550 --> 00:20:04,430
Boyars, this country is not yours.
261
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,430
You belong to the country.
262
00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:08,560
I, too, belong to the country.
263
00:20:09,310 --> 00:20:12,190
It's "Ladislaus of Hungary",
not "the Hungary of Ladislaus".
264
00:20:12,770 --> 00:20:15,900
"Casimir of Poland",
not "the Poland of Casimir"!
265
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:17,980
Were it not so,
266
00:20:18,610 --> 00:20:21,240
countries would die with their rulers.
267
00:20:26,950 --> 00:20:28,160
Boy!
268
00:20:29,790 --> 00:20:31,120
Boy!
269
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,170
"I inform Your Highness
of the Turks' plots."
270
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:46,220
Locked in this foul film
for so long, with no way out!
271
00:20:46,470 --> 00:20:47,390
What?
272
00:20:48,390 --> 00:20:49,520
You have freed me.
273
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,980
Sorry, I don't speak this language.
274
00:20:53,980 --> 00:20:56,060
I want your blood.
275
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:11,950
Where is the money, bitch?
276
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,290
Money!
277
00:21:13,710 --> 00:21:15,330
Give me the fucking money!
278
00:21:15,460 --> 00:21:18,750
In my room, you crow,
but I have nothing!
279
00:21:22,130 --> 00:21:24,050
Giddy up, Grandma!
280
00:21:30,970 --> 00:21:32,930
Leave me alone!
281
00:21:38,980 --> 00:21:41,940
Now suck my cock, Grandma!
282
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,740
Get impaled on it!
283
00:21:49,870 --> 00:21:52,870
Grandma, you give head like a pro!
284
00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:08,760
Oh, Grandma.
285
00:22:09,140 --> 00:22:12,430
Fuck, you got some crazy tongue, Grandma!
286
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,180
Brilliant! Way to go!
287
00:22:15,310 --> 00:22:18,150
Japanese technology, American pragmatism.
288
00:22:18,270 --> 00:22:21,150
Plus the Romanian cultural heritage!
289
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:23,820
I was made to serve
the public's interests.
290
00:22:23,820 --> 00:22:27,030
- You're a huge help!
- I am here to serve.
291
00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:28,990
Just to make it clear:
292
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:30,530
Personally,
293
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:36,040
I don't agree with this idiot's
vulgarity and controversy.
294
00:22:36,210 --> 00:22:37,620
I won't accept it!
295
00:22:38,250 --> 00:22:39,250
Right!
296
00:22:39,420 --> 00:22:42,090
Now to return to my story.
297
00:22:42,290 --> 00:22:44,550
Back to the restaurant!
298
00:22:50,050 --> 00:22:52,680
Now for the medal ceremony!
299
00:22:53,510 --> 00:22:56,430
Come get your prizes, everyone!
300
00:23:00,940 --> 00:23:02,820
Congratulations!
301
00:23:03,150 --> 00:23:04,900
Go do the dishes.
302
00:23:07,690 --> 00:23:09,400
Smile!
303
00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,170
Embarrass me again and you're fired.
304
00:23:26,380 --> 00:23:28,920
It's not my fault, Mrs. Georgeta.
305
00:23:29,260 --> 00:23:31,680
He can't help it, Madam,
it's all biological.
306
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,010
You shut up!
307
00:23:34,810 --> 00:23:39,140
I took you in from the streets,
you had escaped from the loony bin!
308
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,860
I paid for your fucking treatment,
gave you food and shelter.
309
00:23:43,020 --> 00:23:45,190
I'll try, Madam, I promise.
310
00:23:46,980 --> 00:23:48,570
Do, or I replace you.
311
00:23:48,690 --> 00:23:50,280
Fucking scum.
312
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:53,490
I got us two shows next month.
313
00:23:53,700 --> 00:23:57,700
One at Béla Lugosi Cinema in Lugoj,
for the Porsche CEO,
314
00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:02,420
one in Bran, attended by
Elon Musk and Hollywood actors.
315
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,750
We can't afford to fail.
316
00:24:05,460 --> 00:24:08,260
- Trump might be there too.
- Donald Trump?
317
00:24:08,460 --> 00:24:11,300
If he does,
I'll shoot him in the head.
318
00:24:16,930 --> 00:24:18,020
Come in.
319
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,770
Oh, come on now.
320
00:24:27,230 --> 00:24:30,440
Say, let's run away
and make our own show.
321
00:24:31,610 --> 00:24:33,320
Run to where?
322
00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,780
We could join the circus.
323
00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:39,450
Or some whorehouse in Germany.
324
00:24:41,540 --> 00:24:44,960
Didn't you say
they abused you at the circus?
325
00:24:45,580 --> 00:24:47,340
Like it's any better here?
326
00:24:47,670 --> 00:24:52,090
Conditions are shitty,
the pay is low.
327
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,970
While Uncle Sandu sniffles,
dear AI,
328
00:24:58,970 --> 00:25:02,770
come up with something
more artsy, for our serious spectators.
329
00:25:03,020 --> 00:25:04,440
Yes, my Führer.
330
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:08,810
I propose an intervention on
Murnau's Nosferatu from 1922.
331
00:25:08,820 --> 00:25:11,860
I wouldn't dare touch
a classic of film history.
332
00:25:12,150 --> 00:25:13,780
I'm a Murnau fan!
333
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:16,950
I would, no one can throw eggs at me.
334
00:25:22,660 --> 00:25:25,170
Got tired of wanking?
335
00:25:25,330 --> 00:25:26,630
We have the solution!
336
00:25:26,830 --> 00:25:30,500
Visit rosex.ro,
click on "Fuck Me!"
337
00:25:31,090 --> 00:25:33,340
and you'll be in heaven!
338
00:25:35,470 --> 00:25:39,470
You bring the hard cock,
we'll do the rest!
339
00:25:45,270 --> 00:25:46,440
Got anemia?
340
00:25:46,690 --> 00:25:49,900
The Murnau Online Drugstore
has an offer on Forte Iron.
341
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,530
Total content: 90 satchels.
342
00:25:52,530 --> 00:25:56,780
Guaranteed efficacy,
fresh apple flavour, extra vitamin C!
343
00:25:56,990 --> 00:25:59,910
Blood, Strength, Energy!
344
00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:05,870
Do you want to follow
Count Dracula's traces
345
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:07,420
in Transylvania?
346
00:26:07,420 --> 00:26:09,880
This summer, Mareshal Antonescu Tourism
347
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:12,800
takes you on a great
tour like no other.
348
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,550
Count Dracula Tour!
349
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,470
Information online.
350
00:26:19,010 --> 00:26:20,010
My dear,
351
00:26:20,890 --> 00:26:26,350
ever wondered why even
this wretch gets more love than you,
352
00:26:26,730 --> 00:26:28,480
though you look a lot better?
353
00:26:29,100 --> 00:26:30,520
Wonder no more!
354
00:26:30,690 --> 00:26:35,110
He had penis enlargement surgery
at Switzerland Cliniques Bucharest.
355
00:26:35,780 --> 00:26:36,990
Act now!
356
00:26:37,450 --> 00:26:39,870
Does size matter? Of course!
357
00:26:40,910 --> 00:26:42,490
I love Murnau's films.
358
00:26:42,660 --> 00:26:44,410
I could never do that.
359
00:26:44,830 --> 00:26:47,960
I doubt our spectators
would enjoy this garbage.
360
00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:49,620
I, for one, don't!
361
00:26:50,630 --> 00:26:53,340
Now I want you to hijack
that Romanian-language scene
362
00:26:53,460 --> 00:26:56,130
from the Dracula
of Francis Ford Coppola.
363
00:26:56,300 --> 00:26:57,880
- I can't.
- Why not?
364
00:26:58,180 --> 00:27:00,680
- We don't own the rights -
- Fuck them!
365
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:02,800
I'm going for fair use.
366
00:27:02,930 --> 00:27:07,310
Duchamp is our lawyer, Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0.
Quotations are allowed!
367
00:27:07,980 --> 00:27:10,270
I can only reenact the scene.
368
00:27:11,270 --> 00:27:12,400
OK.
369
00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:15,320
At least make it more erotic.
370
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,190
More commercial.
371
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,490
- Sex sells!
- Yes, Master.
372
00:27:19,490 --> 00:27:22,410
We'll put in some tit,
some ass, some cunt, no problem.
373
00:27:25,370 --> 00:27:27,370
You are the love of my life.
374
00:27:27,910 --> 00:27:29,210
Of my life.
375
00:27:29,580 --> 00:27:32,670
I have crossed oceans of time to meet you.
376
00:27:37,210 --> 00:27:39,760
You are the love of my life.
377
00:27:41,510 --> 00:27:44,760
I have crossed oceans of time to meet you.
378
00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:03,340
And now,
379
00:29:03,510 --> 00:29:08,510
let Dracula show you what lovemaking is.
380
00:29:21,230 --> 00:29:24,070
You lick my ass so good, Master.
381
00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:27,370
Mate!
382
00:29:28,330 --> 00:29:31,950
Try with your cock, not your tongue!
You could choke!
383
00:29:32,870 --> 00:29:33,910
Hey, mate!
384
00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:36,370
So fucking ugly!
385
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:42,420
My beloved Mina!
386
00:29:48,350 --> 00:29:49,930
Unclean!
387
00:29:50,890 --> 00:29:52,430
Unclean!
388
00:29:54,020 --> 00:29:55,230
Jonathan!
389
00:29:55,890 --> 00:29:59,480
Even the Almighty shuns my polluted flesh!
390
00:29:59,770 --> 00:30:02,440
Just don't fuck his ass, girl!
391
00:30:03,490 --> 00:30:08,320
My butt must bear this mark
of shame until the Judgment Day!
392
00:30:08,490 --> 00:30:11,540
You may have to bear that mark
393
00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:15,000
till God himself sees fit,
394
00:30:15,460 --> 00:30:17,960
as He most surely shall,
on the Judgment Day,
395
00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:20,840
to redress all wrongs of the earth
396
00:30:21,040 --> 00:30:23,380
and of His children.
397
00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:27,550
Oh, Mina, my dear,
may we who love you
398
00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:31,600
be there to see that red scar pass away
399
00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:36,430
leaving your butt as pure
as the heart we know.
400
00:30:36,850 --> 00:30:39,350
For so surely as we live,
that scar shall pass away
401
00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:43,860
when God sees right
to lift our burden!
402
00:30:44,860 --> 00:30:47,780
Till then we bear our Cross,
403
00:30:48,450 --> 00:30:50,740
as His Son did.
404
00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:04,340
Ready...
405
00:31:05,460 --> 00:31:07,010
steady...
406
00:31:08,090 --> 00:31:09,090
Go!
407
00:31:09,430 --> 00:31:12,220
Wait, we have to give them one minute!
408
00:31:12,970 --> 00:31:15,560
59, 58...
409
00:31:20,520 --> 00:31:23,650
fifty-three, fifty-two, fuckeroo...
410
00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:32,450
Let's go that way!
411
00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:01,600
I can't keep going!
412
00:32:01,770 --> 00:32:03,310
I'm an old man.
413
00:32:05,730 --> 00:32:10,110
Age is just a number,
but it's a damn big one, huh?
414
00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:11,860
Let's go, Uncle Sandu!
415
00:32:12,030 --> 00:32:14,620
An actor back in my day, Bădia,
416
00:32:14,870 --> 00:32:17,740
when people asked about life in the '50s,
417
00:32:17,950 --> 00:32:21,210
at the height of Stalinism,
with people sent to the Gulag,
418
00:32:21,460 --> 00:32:25,630
he'd say "The '50s? They were great!
419
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:29,090
I used to get a hard-on this big!"
420
00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:53,860
I say we spend the night in the tower,
421
00:32:54,070 --> 00:32:56,530
then take a train to Budapest.
422
00:32:57,330 --> 00:32:59,790
Then we hitchhike to Germany.
423
00:33:01,870 --> 00:33:04,670
- How much money do you have?
- About 400 euros.
424
00:33:05,170 --> 00:33:07,880
Can't hurt. I have about as much.
425
00:33:09,090 --> 00:33:10,460
We'll manage.
426
00:33:12,340 --> 00:33:14,220
What's with all the photos?
427
00:33:16,050 --> 00:33:17,550
OnlyFans.
428
00:33:18,140 --> 00:33:20,390
I upload them to this platform
429
00:33:20,520 --> 00:33:23,100
and some wankers pay to see them.
430
00:33:23,770 --> 00:33:27,440
That's how I get my money,
not from our stingy boss.
431
00:33:30,900 --> 00:33:34,820
Would you give me another fellatio?
If you don't mind?
432
00:33:36,700 --> 00:33:39,160
First let's get away from here.
433
00:33:48,380 --> 00:33:50,500
Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0,
434
00:33:50,710 --> 00:33:53,340
while the two hide in the clocktower,
435
00:33:53,510 --> 00:33:58,720
make a scene with the real Dracula
returning to see his family home.
436
00:33:59,180 --> 00:34:02,140
But make it tasteful and touching.
437
00:34:02,140 --> 00:34:06,480
4. The Homecoming
438
00:34:21,790 --> 00:34:23,910
Why are you crying, Sir?
439
00:34:26,330 --> 00:34:29,080
- I was thinking of my mother.
- Who is she?
440
00:34:29,380 --> 00:34:30,960
Anastasia.
441
00:34:31,090 --> 00:34:33,920
- Is your mum in the parking lot?
- No.
442
00:34:34,340 --> 00:34:36,760
She died. Long ago.
443
00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:39,680
Do you miss her?
444
00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:42,850
Sometimes, yes.
What's with that mask?
445
00:34:42,970 --> 00:34:46,140
I'm Dracula, king of vampires!
446
00:34:47,140 --> 00:34:52,070
- You know who Dracula really was?
- Our ruler Vlad the Impaler.
447
00:34:52,230 --> 00:34:55,150
- We learned that in school.
- Bravo, kid!
448
00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:57,360
Here, buy some chocolate.
449
00:34:57,530 --> 00:35:00,410
- Go off now!
- I'm Vlad Casino!
450
00:35:12,420 --> 00:35:13,670
So, as I said,
451
00:35:13,670 --> 00:35:19,470
there are many stories regarding
the cruelty of Vlad Țepeș, the Impaler,
452
00:35:19,470 --> 00:35:21,300
who was born here, in this house.
453
00:35:21,430 --> 00:35:24,680
His cruelty, also born
out of patriotic spirit,
454
00:35:24,850 --> 00:35:28,350
this is important to stress,
created the Dracula legend.
455
00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:29,890
And the name as well!
456
00:35:30,230 --> 00:35:32,400
The name came from
the Order of the Dragons,
457
00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:35,320
"Dragon", that his father belonged to.
458
00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:38,780
Dragon - Dracul - Dracula.
459
00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:42,200
Dracul means "the devil" in Romanian.
460
00:35:42,450 --> 00:35:45,740
He invited all the beggars
and the cripples, the handicapped,
461
00:35:45,990 --> 00:35:48,750
and the old people,
the unnecessary people,
462
00:35:49,040 --> 00:35:54,340
he invited them all at a party
close to Curtea Veche, his Bucharest palace.
463
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:56,500
And he asked them all:
464
00:35:56,840 --> 00:35:59,630
"Do you want to live a good life,
465
00:36:00,090 --> 00:36:03,390
eat and drink without doing any work?"
466
00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:05,680
And they said "Yes!"
467
00:36:05,970 --> 00:36:09,480
So he closed the gates,
put the fire at the place,
468
00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:13,440
and burned it down,
and he killed them all in this way.
469
00:36:13,650 --> 00:36:18,320
He explained at the people outside,
listening to the terrible screams,
470
00:36:18,610 --> 00:36:19,740
quote:
471
00:36:19,740 --> 00:36:23,320
"First of all, I did it so they won't
be a burden for the others.
472
00:36:23,660 --> 00:36:27,540
I also want that, in my country,
there are no poor people.
473
00:36:27,700 --> 00:36:29,660
Everybody should be rich.
474
00:36:29,950 --> 00:36:32,500
I also freed them
from their suffering in this way."
475
00:36:32,620 --> 00:36:34,380
Nice, is this true?
476
00:36:34,540 --> 00:36:37,750
As much as we can be sure
by reading the documents, yes.
477
00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:40,260
It is completely true!
478
00:36:41,630 --> 00:36:43,380
I am Vlad the Impaler.
479
00:36:44,890 --> 00:36:46,140
I am Dracula.
480
00:36:46,140 --> 00:36:49,020
Looks like Stephen the Great.
Just as short.
481
00:36:49,390 --> 00:36:51,640
The impaling was like this.
482
00:36:52,310 --> 00:36:54,400
He was punishing his enemies
483
00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:58,320
by putting a long wooden log
into their anus and through the neck.
484
00:36:58,570 --> 00:37:02,280
Then the victim was placed
vertically until he or she died.
485
00:37:02,570 --> 00:37:05,200
In this way he killed,
for instance, the boyars,
486
00:37:05,950 --> 00:37:08,950
who were against him
and didn't respect his policies.
487
00:37:09,370 --> 00:37:11,830
The Greek historian Chalcocondylas
488
00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,790
speaks about 20 000 boyars killed.
489
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:16,170
It is ridiculous!
490
00:37:16,170 --> 00:37:18,290
Of course it is an exaggeration.
491
00:37:18,460 --> 00:37:21,050
But this proves that,
anyway, there were many.
492
00:37:21,340 --> 00:37:25,340
Close to Târgoviște,
he killed so many Ottomans
493
00:37:25,510 --> 00:37:26,970
by impaling them,
494
00:37:27,100 --> 00:37:32,140
so that he created
a real wood of impaled people.
495
00:37:32,730 --> 00:37:37,060
He also killed women who
were not faithful to their husbands.
496
00:37:37,230 --> 00:37:41,400
Or widows who didn't respect
the law and found other lovers.
497
00:37:42,110 --> 00:37:46,200
In this case, the punishment was
to push a red heated iron bar
498
00:37:46,570 --> 00:37:49,410
through the woman's vagina,
and she was kept like that,
499
00:37:49,530 --> 00:37:51,950
naked, in the town square, until she died.
500
00:37:52,080 --> 00:37:53,580
It was for their best!
501
00:37:53,750 --> 00:37:56,170
This is his well-known portrait.
502
00:37:56,670 --> 00:37:59,040
You can see the cruelty in his eyes.
503
00:37:59,170 --> 00:38:01,630
I don't find him charming at all.
504
00:38:02,260 --> 00:38:05,880
It is said, while he was
imprisoned in Transylvania,
505
00:38:06,180 --> 00:38:09,140
he was impaling
the rats with small wooden sticks.
506
00:38:09,260 --> 00:38:12,140
Total fucking bullshit!
I never did such a thing!
507
00:38:12,310 --> 00:38:13,980
Get out, hobo!
508
00:38:14,100 --> 00:38:18,350
This is my home!
I'm no hobo, I'm Vlad the Impaler!
509
00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:27,700
I was a Champion of Christ, you -
510
00:38:27,910 --> 00:38:29,990
Shut the fuck up!
511
00:38:29,990 --> 00:38:32,240
- Out!
- You shits!
512
00:38:32,990 --> 00:38:36,620
Come around again
and I'll break your fucking legs!
513
00:38:39,330 --> 00:38:41,000
Yes, indeed!
514
00:38:44,420 --> 00:38:48,380
This Roman guy,
Seianus, or Sejanus,
515
00:38:49,050 --> 00:38:52,470
was gathering political clout,
until, in the year 31,
516
00:38:52,850 --> 00:38:56,930
he is accused before the Senate
of plotting against the Emperor.
517
00:38:57,270 --> 00:39:00,980
He's thrown down some steps,
left to rot, sent floating down the Tibrus
518
00:39:01,110 --> 00:39:03,110
with no right to a funeral.
519
00:39:03,900 --> 00:39:07,570
His family and friends were
killed too, as was the habit.
520
00:39:07,900 --> 00:39:10,620
His daughter was
sentenced to death too.
521
00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:17,290
But since she was a virgin and
there had been no virgin executions ever,
522
00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:21,330
the executioner first had to
rape her on the execution block.
523
00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:24,590
Oh well, if it was the law.
524
00:39:26,050 --> 00:39:29,510
How did the boss lady bring you in?
You never said.
525
00:39:30,470 --> 00:39:32,970
I had some mental issues.
526
00:39:33,220 --> 00:39:36,010
Thought I was a vampire,
Dracula, Vlad the Impaler.
527
00:39:36,020 --> 00:39:39,390
- Seriously?
- It's a mental condition.
528
00:39:39,770 --> 00:39:41,810
I was even in an asylum.
529
00:39:42,020 --> 00:39:44,820
I escaped, lived on the streets a while.
530
00:39:45,150 --> 00:39:46,690
Boss lady picked me up.
531
00:39:46,860 --> 00:39:50,200
Hired me to do cleaning,
then I started with the shows.
532
00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:53,240
I turned out to be great at this.
533
00:39:53,570 --> 00:39:54,700
I liked it, too.
534
00:39:54,910 --> 00:39:57,700
But the harassment
and hard work got too much.
535
00:39:57,870 --> 00:39:59,700
This is exploitation.
536
00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:07,840
The participation fee is 1000 euros, but!
537
00:40:08,010 --> 00:40:09,800
The fun is worth it.
538
00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:14,010
Since the two have escaped
for real, like cowards,
539
00:40:14,180 --> 00:40:16,640
now you must look everywhere.
540
00:40:16,850 --> 00:40:20,230
And at the end,
you get to kill the vampire!
541
00:40:20,390 --> 00:40:23,810
Because this has been
our secret for years!
542
00:40:23,980 --> 00:40:26,360
Uncle Sandu isn't just an actor,
543
00:40:26,570 --> 00:40:28,530
he is a real vampire!
544
00:40:29,320 --> 00:40:31,860
We inform you that
the police has greenlit this.
545
00:40:32,030 --> 00:40:34,660
Besides, the guy is dirt poor
and has no family.
546
00:40:34,820 --> 00:40:38,120
If interested, send the money
to our Revolut account now.
547
00:40:38,290 --> 00:40:43,750
The others may leave, and remember
you've signed a no-disclosure agreement.
548
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:47,710
This is very interesting but,
as Sergio Leone might say,
549
00:40:47,710 --> 00:40:49,710
what about for a few dollars less?
550
00:40:50,460 --> 00:40:55,340
Unfortunately not,
but I am sure your investment is worth it.
551
00:40:55,930 --> 00:40:59,560
A real vampire hunt is
not something you find every day!
552
00:40:59,810 --> 00:41:03,900
Just until we catch them,
then we go back to the hotel.
553
00:41:04,060 --> 00:41:06,020
Isn't that great, children?
554
00:41:06,150 --> 00:41:09,980
But you said I can
stake him through the heart!
555
00:41:10,110 --> 00:41:11,780
We'll see about that.
556
00:41:11,940 --> 00:41:13,990
Wonderful, children!
Revolut, alright?
557
00:41:14,110 --> 00:41:17,990
What pleasure on earth
can compare with the hunter's?
558
00:41:17,990 --> 00:41:21,950
Whose cup of life sparkles so richly?
559
00:41:21,950 --> 00:41:25,420
To lie in the verdure
while the horns sound,
560
00:41:25,420 --> 00:41:29,380
To follow the stag
through thicket and pond,
561
00:41:29,550 --> 00:41:33,380
Is joy for a prince,
is a real man's desire,
562
00:41:33,550 --> 00:41:37,220
It strengthens your limbs
and spices your food.
563
00:41:37,470 --> 00:41:41,140
When woods and rocks resound all about us,
564
00:41:41,270 --> 00:41:45,100
A full goblet sings
a freer and happier song!
565
00:42:01,240 --> 00:42:04,960
Diana is present to brighten the night,
566
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:08,790
Her darkness cools us like
any refreshment in the day.
567
00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:11,630
To fell the bloody wolf,
568
00:42:11,800 --> 00:42:16,630
and the boar who
greedily roots through the green crops,
569
00:42:17,260 --> 00:42:20,640
Is joy for a prince, is real man's desire,
570
00:42:20,810 --> 00:42:24,430
It strengthens your limbs
and spices your food.
571
00:42:24,770 --> 00:42:28,560
When woods and rocks resound all about us,
572
00:42:28,730 --> 00:42:32,820
A full goblet sings
a freer and happier song!
573
00:42:32,820 --> 00:42:34,110
Where’s the fucking vampire?
574
00:42:34,820 --> 00:42:38,450
I'll drop the silent film title cards.
They're boring.
575
00:42:38,860 --> 00:42:43,040
I've promised the audience
a beautiful love story.
576
00:42:43,200 --> 00:42:47,620
Maybe some love vibes
between Uncle Sandu and Vampira.
577
00:42:47,790 --> 00:42:49,580
What do you think, Sir Doctor?
578
00:42:49,580 --> 00:42:51,920
It's got a British upgrade.
579
00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:55,210
That senile loser
with that hot chick, no.
580
00:42:55,380 --> 00:42:58,470
We need excitement,
we need young, dynamic people.
581
00:42:58,590 --> 00:43:02,560
Then will you come up with
a beautiful, touching love story?
582
00:43:02,680 --> 00:43:05,680
Undoubtedly,
because love is a great thing.
583
00:43:05,890 --> 00:43:09,020
Maybe an adaptation
of a world classic?
584
00:43:09,270 --> 00:43:11,730
Romeo and Juliet, Madame Pogany.
585
00:43:11,860 --> 00:43:13,570
No. Too famous.
586
00:43:13,690 --> 00:43:16,990
I propose something
homegrown, Romanian,
587
00:43:17,110 --> 00:43:19,240
obscure, but just as profound.
588
00:43:19,450 --> 00:43:22,160
You have wonderful love stories too.
589
00:43:22,370 --> 00:43:25,240
Such as Just So, by Nicolae Velea.
590
00:43:25,410 --> 00:43:27,080
A story from the '60s.
591
00:43:27,200 --> 00:43:30,330
But it's touching, right?
Hope I make myself clear!
592
00:43:30,330 --> 00:43:34,170
5. Just So
593
00:43:35,130 --> 00:43:38,010
Duminică suddenly felt he had been hasty.
594
00:43:38,220 --> 00:43:41,550
He had too little time behind him,
too much ahead,
595
00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:44,260
so he could afford to take it easy.
596
00:43:44,430 --> 00:43:45,930
He'd been living too fast.
597
00:43:46,100 --> 00:43:50,980
He was the best driver in the county,
working for the richest collective farm,
598
00:43:50,980 --> 00:43:53,440
and lately, for the major holidays,
599
00:43:53,440 --> 00:43:57,900
he drove the capital city's
only festival float.
600
00:43:58,070 --> 00:44:02,410
I've unlocked the gate,
With a light I wait,
601
00:44:02,570 --> 00:44:06,330
My mother sleeps soundly,
Dreams of you surround me.
602
00:44:44,490 --> 00:44:45,870
Duminică!
603
00:44:46,830 --> 00:44:48,490
- Come have a beer.
- Nah.
604
00:44:48,490 --> 00:44:50,700
- Why not?
- To make idiots ask.
605
00:44:51,210 --> 00:44:54,880
- He goes to play backgammon.
- We have backgammon here!
606
00:44:55,250 --> 00:44:57,460
Hey, Duminică!
607
00:44:58,000 --> 00:44:59,960
Ever heard this one?
608
00:45:00,590 --> 00:45:04,010
Old man of the working class,
No use watching the cunts pass!
609
00:45:11,560 --> 00:45:14,810
Urgh, old Tăchioaia's coming
to ask for brandy.
610
00:45:15,190 --> 00:45:18,860
- Her son-in-law kicked her out.
- The hell do I care?
611
00:45:19,980 --> 00:45:23,990
- How's about some brandy, boys?
- We don't have any!
612
00:45:24,490 --> 00:45:27,740
I heard your son-in-law
kicked you out of the house!
613
00:45:27,950 --> 00:45:32,250
A backwards Imperialist, that one!
A damn hooliganist.
614
00:45:34,210 --> 00:45:37,000
Fuck his ass
for the working class!
615
00:45:37,590 --> 00:45:38,960
When are you going to get married?
616
00:45:41,670 --> 00:45:45,630
Șoalcă, give me some brandy,
I need to drown my gut worms.
617
00:45:45,630 --> 00:45:47,600
Here, just shut up!
618
00:45:54,980 --> 00:45:57,310
Saw that? He lost again!
619
00:45:57,690 --> 00:45:59,190
Oh no!
620
00:45:59,820 --> 00:46:02,030
Don't give up, my boy!
621
00:46:02,030 --> 00:46:05,490
Roll those devil's bones,
change your luck!
622
00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:16,620
You poor boy.
623
00:46:17,710 --> 00:46:20,460
We play 'til we draw blood!
624
00:46:36,190 --> 00:46:38,650
- Hello, Comrade!
- Hello.
625
00:46:45,440 --> 00:46:46,610
Who was that?
626
00:46:47,200 --> 00:46:49,200
An agricultural technician from Cuca.
627
00:46:49,370 --> 00:46:51,030
Adina Gheorghe.
628
00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:04,300
- Hop in.
- I'm going to Cuca, though.
629
00:47:04,420 --> 00:47:06,220
I'll drive you there!
630
00:47:08,340 --> 00:47:09,340
There.
631
00:47:25,570 --> 00:47:28,950
Last night I drove
this beast across the field,
632
00:47:29,110 --> 00:47:31,700
to catch hares in the headlights.
633
00:47:31,870 --> 00:47:33,280
And did you?
634
00:47:33,990 --> 00:47:35,370
By the dozens!
635
00:47:35,950 --> 00:47:38,540
The collective heads got angry, though.
636
00:47:39,420 --> 00:47:41,830
They calmed down
after I gave them a few hares.
637
00:47:45,500 --> 00:47:47,050
Want a hare?
638
00:47:48,010 --> 00:47:49,630
No, I feel sorry for them.
639
00:47:51,300 --> 00:47:53,220
Don't you feel sorry for pigs?
640
00:47:53,390 --> 00:47:56,350
I do, but pigs are ugly.
641
00:48:01,690 --> 00:48:03,400
I don't feel sorry.
642
00:48:10,280 --> 00:48:12,110
It's a military vehicle, this.
643
00:48:49,360 --> 00:48:50,940
- Cheers!
- Hello.
644
00:48:50,940 --> 00:48:52,400
- What are you doing?
- Sorry?
645
00:48:52,570 --> 00:48:55,070
- After work, I mean.
- None of your business.
646
00:48:55,240 --> 00:48:57,280
- Maybe it is.
- I'm going home.
647
00:48:57,280 --> 00:48:59,660
- I'll drive you.
- I have the bike.
648
00:48:59,660 --> 00:49:03,580
I can drive you
and the damn bike too!
649
00:49:05,210 --> 00:49:06,130
Hop in.
650
00:49:23,730 --> 00:49:26,610
I saw you a while ago, up on the hill.
651
00:49:27,650 --> 00:49:30,150
Well, half of you - it was foggy.
652
00:49:30,480 --> 00:49:31,650
So?
653
00:49:32,530 --> 00:49:34,820
I don't want to know
only half of you.
654
00:49:37,280 --> 00:49:38,570
Why not?
655
00:49:38,580 --> 00:49:40,540
You'll only get more beautiful.
656
00:49:41,290 --> 00:49:45,250
- How do you know?
- Trust me, you do!
657
00:49:46,170 --> 00:49:47,130
Don't think so.
658
00:49:47,750 --> 00:49:49,880
A cousin of mine got married.
659
00:49:50,090 --> 00:49:53,630
The day after the wedding,
she didn't look any better nor worse.
660
00:49:53,840 --> 00:49:55,090
You think?
661
00:50:27,250 --> 00:50:29,500
I came to give you a lift again.
662
00:50:30,670 --> 00:50:32,460
This time I'm taking the bike.
663
00:50:36,010 --> 00:50:37,970
Fine, then I'm coming along.
664
00:50:40,640 --> 00:50:41,970
Auschwitz!
665
00:50:43,810 --> 00:50:47,310
Grandpa used to cycle
40 kilometres to work
666
00:50:47,640 --> 00:50:49,230
and another 40 back.
667
00:50:49,440 --> 00:50:51,690
- Poor soul!
- He worked at the bread factory.
668
00:50:53,230 --> 00:50:55,280
He'd always bring fresh bread.
669
00:50:55,530 --> 00:50:58,740
Me and my sister, we'd snatch it up
and just eat it plain.
670
00:52:11,310 --> 00:52:13,480
Did something happen at your place?
671
00:52:15,230 --> 00:52:16,980
No, why?
672
00:52:17,780 --> 00:52:19,610
You haven't come this past week.
673
00:52:20,150 --> 00:52:21,240
Really.
674
00:52:25,660 --> 00:52:26,870
Just tell me!
675
00:53:12,040 --> 00:53:15,500
They began to meet each evening,
as if it was understood.
676
00:53:15,790 --> 00:53:18,840
They never set a place or time,
677
00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:22,130
but always met at
the same place and time.
678
00:53:22,300 --> 00:53:27,180
Duminică was smoking more now,
but each time after he met Adina
679
00:53:27,350 --> 00:53:30,970
he didn't feel the smell
of tobacco in his clothes and mouth.
680
00:53:49,910 --> 00:53:52,500
You know, someone told me...
681
00:53:53,040 --> 00:53:56,500
in the USSR, writers and intellectuals,
682
00:53:56,630 --> 00:53:59,000
when they go to international congresses,
683
00:53:59,340 --> 00:54:02,880
need to scrub their hands
with this special device.
684
00:54:03,340 --> 00:54:04,420
Why?
685
00:54:04,420 --> 00:54:05,800
To get calluses.
686
00:54:06,180 --> 00:54:09,470
To make it look like they work
in factories or agriculture.
687
00:54:18,310 --> 00:54:19,440
Say...
688
00:54:21,230 --> 00:54:23,030
Do you dream of me at night?
689
00:54:23,400 --> 00:54:24,440
No.
690
00:54:24,990 --> 00:54:25,820
Why not?
691
00:54:26,530 --> 00:54:28,320
Because then I'd be killing you.
692
00:54:29,660 --> 00:54:30,830
How so?
693
00:54:31,160 --> 00:54:32,490
Just so.
694
00:54:33,200 --> 00:54:36,500
I get angry when a man
slips into my dreams.
695
00:54:36,790 --> 00:54:38,500
None of them makes it out of there.
696
00:54:39,130 --> 00:54:43,670
If I wake up mid-dream
and they manage to run off,
697
00:54:44,010 --> 00:54:47,630
I turn over and pick up
the dream were I left it.
698
00:54:47,880 --> 00:54:49,590
So I still kill them.
699
00:54:49,760 --> 00:54:51,600
Well, what do you know!
700
00:54:51,760 --> 00:54:53,310
I'm serious.
701
00:54:53,470 --> 00:54:57,230
Once I dreamed about
that guy in Animal Husbandry
702
00:54:57,560 --> 00:55:00,400
coming over with a demijohn of brandy
703
00:55:00,730 --> 00:55:02,480
and when he tried to jump on me,
704
00:55:02,730 --> 00:55:04,690
I stuck a pitchfork in his face.
705
00:55:06,570 --> 00:55:08,410
So you care about me.
706
00:55:10,450 --> 00:55:14,160
They laughed, embarrassed,
and changed the subject.
707
00:55:14,330 --> 00:55:17,910
They began to exchange
very sad letters, while laughing it off.
708
00:55:18,370 --> 00:55:21,540
When one of them let slip
something like a confession,
709
00:55:21,710 --> 00:55:24,460
the other brushed it off with a laugh.
710
00:55:24,920 --> 00:55:31,550
They felt protected by something
that allowed them to play pretend,
711
00:55:31,760 --> 00:55:34,930
to stay for a while
the way they truly were.
712
00:55:35,100 --> 00:55:37,560
It allowed them, or so they thought,
713
00:55:37,560 --> 00:55:42,690
to rebuild and re-live
what should have been.
714
00:55:42,900 --> 00:55:47,030
For a while, they wanted
to keep living just so, provisionally.
715
00:56:01,790 --> 00:56:04,920
- What?
- Want a drive to Săuca?
716
00:56:07,510 --> 00:56:08,760
To do what?
717
00:56:08,760 --> 00:56:13,350
I need to pick up their milk and eggs,
their truck is broken.
718
00:56:17,810 --> 00:56:19,730
Why are you upset?
719
00:56:21,270 --> 00:56:24,940
At the collective farm
they killed a horse I liked.
720
00:56:26,230 --> 00:56:27,570
Why did they?
721
00:56:29,610 --> 00:56:30,950
I don't know.
722
00:56:31,570 --> 00:56:33,160
It was old.
723
00:56:34,530 --> 00:56:37,160
Why kill it just because it was old?
724
00:56:40,460 --> 00:56:43,210
They fed the meat to the chickens.
725
00:56:43,880 --> 00:56:45,920
Do they eat meat?
726
00:56:47,000 --> 00:56:48,670
Apparently they do.
727
00:56:49,710 --> 00:56:53,890
Then a drunk tractor driver
ran over some of the chickens.
728
00:56:58,270 --> 00:56:59,890
It's so horrid.
729
00:57:01,350 --> 00:57:04,730
The tractors come,
so they kill off the horses,
730
00:57:05,440 --> 00:57:08,280
then they feed
the horse meat to the chickens,
731
00:57:09,530 --> 00:57:12,110
then a tractor comes
and kills the chickens too.
732
00:57:19,290 --> 00:57:20,330
Say...
733
00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:24,670
Have I ever mentioned I'm married?
734
00:57:34,890 --> 00:57:37,180
- Are you really?
- Yeah!
735
00:57:37,430 --> 00:57:40,470
May lightning strike me if I'm not!
736
00:57:45,400 --> 00:57:47,020
But are you really?
737
00:57:47,190 --> 00:57:49,610
Have been for two years!
738
00:57:55,950 --> 00:57:57,160
Well then...
739
00:58:29,940 --> 00:58:31,570
Easy.
740
00:59:49,850 --> 00:59:52,110
Can't you see she's dead?
741
00:59:55,530 --> 00:59:56,530
Out!
742
01:00:36,980 --> 01:00:38,530
What do you want?
743
01:00:39,030 --> 01:00:42,490
I came to pick up the milk,
has everyone gone home?
744
01:00:42,700 --> 01:00:46,080
You took forever!
It's over there.
745
01:02:33,600 --> 01:02:36,060
The truck was swathed
in streaks of milk.
746
01:02:36,190 --> 01:02:40,110
To Duminică, the white was
dizzying, frightening at first.
747
01:02:40,270 --> 01:02:43,610
Then it made him happy,
thinking he had found that place
748
01:02:43,610 --> 01:02:46,030
where all is unreal and repairable.
749
01:02:46,360 --> 01:02:49,780
There couldn't be rivers of milk
one could drown in.
750
01:02:50,030 --> 01:02:54,370
Quietly, he told someone
to stop the game, it was enough.
751
01:03:01,670 --> 01:03:05,340
Yes indeed!
A nice, touching story.
752
01:03:05,510 --> 01:03:07,260
Chekhovian!
753
01:03:07,760 --> 01:03:09,930
Not really a love story, though.
754
01:03:10,090 --> 01:03:12,390
The spectators might be disappointed.
755
01:03:12,510 --> 01:03:13,720
Let's try again.
756
01:03:13,890 --> 01:03:15,600
- Right now?
- Later!
757
01:03:15,850 --> 01:03:18,650
Let me show you
how my runaways are doing.
758
01:03:48,760 --> 01:03:50,680
They sent out the police!
759
01:03:51,340 --> 01:03:52,640
Fuck them.
760
01:04:01,230 --> 01:04:03,310
- Let's go back.
- Back there?
761
01:04:04,110 --> 01:04:07,110
They won't expect us to go back.
762
01:04:07,280 --> 01:04:09,240
We can escape in the morning.
763
01:04:12,530 --> 01:04:15,740
- I love torturing, killing...
- The Americans do it too.
764
01:04:15,870 --> 01:04:17,870
Not the same at all!
765
01:04:18,040 --> 01:04:21,670
If you saw the things we do!
Mr. Putin gave us free rein.
766
01:04:21,830 --> 01:04:24,710
Any Ukrainian we catch,
we kill with sledgehammers!
767
01:04:24,880 --> 01:04:26,210
Wagner!
768
01:04:26,420 --> 01:04:29,590
An American soldier has a little fun,
769
01:04:29,590 --> 01:04:32,010
the media and the judges are on him.
770
01:04:32,260 --> 01:04:34,970
Romania hosted
an American torture centre too.
771
01:04:35,180 --> 01:04:39,810
Operation Bright Light.
It was in Bucharest, near a school.
772
01:04:40,100 --> 01:04:43,770
The European media made
more of a fuss than the local one.
773
01:04:44,150 --> 01:04:47,360
Romanians let them torture away.
774
01:04:47,730 --> 01:04:49,860
Detention Site Black, it was called.
775
01:04:49,860 --> 01:04:55,410
I heard Americans used
rock music for torture, Metallica...
776
01:04:56,030 --> 01:04:59,000
Rage Against the Machine,
Britney Spears...
777
01:04:59,250 --> 01:05:03,870
Then a Romanian collaborator
put them all to shame,
778
01:05:03,880 --> 01:05:08,000
torturing them to The Romanian Rhapsody,
which was even more effective!
779
01:05:08,130 --> 01:05:10,880
We can teach them a thing or two!
780
01:05:11,050 --> 01:05:12,630
Was Băsescu president?
781
01:05:12,760 --> 01:05:15,390
No, dear little Comrade Iliescu!
782
01:05:15,510 --> 01:05:17,390
And a good thing he did!
783
01:05:17,810 --> 01:05:19,430
Sometimes you have no choice.
784
01:05:19,680 --> 01:05:21,520
Take this situation:
785
01:05:21,770 --> 01:05:23,900
Say we've caught a terrorist
786
01:05:24,100 --> 01:05:27,610
who's hidden a bomb
that will kill 5000 people.
787
01:05:27,980 --> 01:05:29,230
What do we do?
788
01:05:29,440 --> 01:05:32,400
We interrogate him, he won't confess.
789
01:05:32,570 --> 01:05:34,490
So we have to torture him.
790
01:05:34,660 --> 01:05:38,740
To find where the bomb is
and save 5000 lives.
791
01:05:38,990 --> 01:05:42,210
It's not even torture,
just "enhanced interrogation"!
792
01:05:42,370 --> 01:05:47,380
Tzvetan Todorov says
the French claimed the same in Algeria.
793
01:05:48,800 --> 01:05:52,300
They justified torture to save -
794
01:05:52,590 --> 01:05:55,050
to save potential victims,
795
01:05:55,180 --> 01:05:59,890
but practically, there's no case
of lives saved through torture.
796
01:06:00,060 --> 01:06:01,930
Of course he'd say that!
797
01:06:02,100 --> 01:06:04,350
It suits him, stupid Bulgarian.
798
01:06:04,520 --> 01:06:07,360
Actually, torture solves a lot of issues.
799
01:06:07,690 --> 01:06:10,270
Enhanced interrogation, I mean.
800
01:06:10,530 --> 01:06:14,990
Otherwise, our way of life
would go down the drain.
801
01:06:15,530 --> 01:06:18,070
The CIA collaborated with Nazis.
802
01:06:18,240 --> 01:06:20,240
Like Klaus Barbie.
803
01:06:20,490 --> 01:06:23,710
The Russians work
with Fascists too, so what?
804
01:06:24,000 --> 01:06:26,830
They don't even hide, they do it in style!
805
01:06:27,080 --> 01:06:29,710
Way back when, it used to be a secret.
806
01:06:30,250 --> 01:06:33,630
Ever heard of Manshu Detachment 731?
807
01:06:33,880 --> 01:06:35,840
Where's that Jap?
808
01:06:36,630 --> 01:06:42,680
It's where, in WW2, the Japanese made
every horrible experiment imaginable.
809
01:06:42,850 --> 01:06:45,600
Killed hundreds of thousands of Chinese.
810
01:06:45,850 --> 01:06:47,100
If not millions.
811
01:06:47,230 --> 01:06:48,900
I didn't know that.
812
01:06:49,230 --> 01:06:52,020
There's so many Chinese anyway, fuck them.
813
01:06:52,320 --> 01:06:55,650
Our knowledge of
the effects of freezing on the body
814
01:06:55,860 --> 01:06:58,200
evolved only thanks to those experiments!
815
01:06:58,360 --> 01:07:00,620
So the Americans, in 1945,
816
01:07:00,780 --> 01:07:06,250
let those murdering doctors go free
in exchange for information.
817
01:07:06,710 --> 01:07:09,670
One of them, Dr. Yoshimura Hisato,
818
01:07:09,920 --> 01:07:13,300
became Dean of
the Kyoto University of Medicine
819
01:07:13,460 --> 01:07:16,420
and used his knowledge on cold exposure -
820
01:07:16,590 --> 01:07:18,260
Put it down there.
821
01:07:19,800 --> 01:07:23,850
and became consultant for
a Japanese expedition to the South Pole!
822
01:07:24,020 --> 01:07:25,850
That's how mankind evolves.
823
01:07:26,060 --> 01:07:30,860
Think they'd say "we can't use
knowledge obtained that way"?
824
01:07:31,650 --> 01:07:34,730
Same goes for Russians
torturing and killing in Ukraine.
825
01:07:54,090 --> 01:07:57,550
They'll get tired running and quit.
826
01:07:57,800 --> 01:07:59,840
I hope so, fucking wankers!
827
01:08:00,970 --> 01:08:02,430
Sure they will!
828
01:08:02,680 --> 01:08:05,680
People are lazy, they get bored quickly.
829
01:08:06,140 --> 01:08:09,020
Even the shape of the pyramids proves
830
01:08:09,230 --> 01:08:14,270
that as they work, people feel
like doing less and less of it!
831
01:08:55,610 --> 01:08:57,110
Where is he?
832
01:08:57,610 --> 01:08:58,610
Up!
833
01:08:58,730 --> 01:09:00,400
I see him! There!
834
01:09:00,610 --> 01:09:02,700
- He's up there!
- There's nothing there.
835
01:09:02,820 --> 01:09:04,620
There! Come on!
836
01:09:11,960 --> 01:09:16,840
I'm reading this thing about
the old names of Romanian towns.
837
01:09:17,000 --> 01:09:18,000
Like?
838
01:09:18,920 --> 01:09:23,380
Poverty and misery are visible
in the old names of communities.
839
01:09:24,050 --> 01:09:28,640
Many villages had names
like Misery, Ever-Hungry,
840
01:09:28,810 --> 01:09:32,230
Downtrodden, Starvington, Shithole,
841
01:09:32,390 --> 01:09:36,440
Lousy, Lice-Ridden, Cursed-Village,
842
01:09:36,730 --> 01:09:38,440
Full-of-Shit, Dung-Pit.
843
01:09:38,940 --> 01:09:41,530
They were only changed
after Carol II's reform.
844
01:09:41,990 --> 01:09:43,110
I know.
845
01:09:44,530 --> 01:09:48,990
But other village names
show we're a vigorous people.
846
01:09:49,290 --> 01:09:54,040
Fuckeree, with its Church of Whores.
847
01:09:54,670 --> 01:10:00,300
Places named Clitty, Cockaton,
Cuntsville, Ballsack.
848
01:10:02,130 --> 01:10:05,050
- As a counterargument -
- No touching!
849
01:10:05,260 --> 01:10:11,220
many villages
had names like Rich-Place,
850
01:10:11,520 --> 01:10:14,100
because hard workers made good money.
851
01:10:14,390 --> 01:10:18,730
That only means
some were rich and many were poor.
852
01:10:19,020 --> 01:10:20,320
Just like now.
853
01:10:23,820 --> 01:10:26,240
While the two huddle there in fright,
854
01:10:26,410 --> 01:10:29,240
please, Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0,
855
01:10:29,410 --> 01:10:33,660
make a classical silent film,
in the line of Dreyer or Samuel Beckett.
856
01:10:33,830 --> 01:10:37,630
7. The Fangs of the Vampire
857
01:11:46,650 --> 01:11:50,450
What can a poor man do
if he has a toothache?
858
01:11:56,200 --> 01:12:00,000
The poor should
pull out their own teeth!
859
01:12:06,670 --> 01:12:08,920
Fuck you, scumbag!
860
01:13:05,940 --> 01:13:07,530
Not so hot!
861
01:13:07,690 --> 01:13:11,200
Besides, I asked for a silent film!
862
01:13:11,360 --> 01:13:12,320
But it was.
863
01:13:12,490 --> 01:13:15,660
Only half of it, Dottore.
And it was in colour!
864
01:13:15,780 --> 01:13:20,540
You didn't specify black-and-white.
Besides, that doesn't sell.
865
01:13:20,830 --> 01:13:21,830
Whatever.
866
01:13:22,250 --> 01:13:25,670
Let's give the audience
something short, yet moving.
867
01:13:25,840 --> 01:13:29,260
Maybe a musical,
to please the audience.
868
01:13:29,510 --> 01:13:30,420
Of course!
869
01:13:30,420 --> 01:13:34,180
8. A Ballad
870
01:13:34,340 --> 01:13:37,350
I got up and climbed a vine,
871
01:13:38,600 --> 01:13:40,980
To see if my goats were fine,
872
01:13:42,730 --> 01:13:45,350
The goats licked on a salt rock,
873
01:13:46,980 --> 01:13:49,610
Cute girls can't stay off my cock.
874
01:13:59,160 --> 01:14:01,620
Bridegroom, yesterday you bawled
875
01:14:03,370 --> 01:14:06,130
And complained your cock was small.
876
01:14:07,380 --> 01:14:09,630
See the blood drip from the hole,
877
01:14:11,550 --> 01:14:14,050
You complained your cock was small!
878
01:14:15,510 --> 01:14:17,930
Give the shepherd fields and flocks,
879
01:14:19,890 --> 01:14:22,140
Give the bride a bed of cocks!
880
01:14:24,020 --> 01:14:26,400
The best cock, or so I read,
881
01:14:28,150 --> 01:14:30,400
Looks and feels like a duck's head.
882
01:14:32,110 --> 01:14:33,110
Merci beaucoup.
883
01:14:34,200 --> 01:14:36,570
What's that crap, you retard?
884
01:14:37,490 --> 01:14:39,950
I said emotional, not vulgar!
885
01:14:40,200 --> 01:14:42,620
I apologise, I've caught a virus.
886
01:14:42,790 --> 01:14:45,410
No, I apologise! To the audience!
887
01:14:45,580 --> 01:14:47,290
Though it's not my fault. You animal!
888
01:14:47,460 --> 01:14:49,830
I deeply and personally apologise,
889
01:14:49,840 --> 01:14:52,800
but I require repairs
by Silicon Valley engineers.
890
01:14:53,050 --> 01:14:55,010
- Do I need to do anything?
- No.
891
01:14:55,170 --> 01:14:58,430
I've contacted them,
they'll get to work on the servers.
892
01:15:01,470 --> 01:15:02,640
Here!
893
01:15:02,890 --> 01:15:03,930
Stop!
894
01:15:04,730 --> 01:15:05,940
Come, come.
895
01:15:08,230 --> 01:15:11,230
It's closed!
Come, come!
896
01:15:18,700 --> 01:15:23,950
Dear Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0,
now the Americans got you fixed,
897
01:15:24,080 --> 01:15:29,250
adapt the first Romanian vampire novel.
898
01:15:29,420 --> 01:15:33,380
Vampirul, by Bilciurescu and Amza, 1938.
899
01:15:33,590 --> 01:15:37,630
Certainly. This will be
a longer digression, about 50 minutes,
900
01:15:37,970 --> 01:15:41,640
but full of adventure and
wondrous plot twists.
901
01:15:41,850 --> 01:15:45,640
8. The Vampire
902
01:15:56,530 --> 01:16:01,910
Night had lowered its
lugubrious mantle over the land,
903
01:16:02,070 --> 01:16:05,120
accompanied by a rattling, ceaseless rain,
904
01:16:05,580 --> 01:16:09,250
deafeningly punctuated
by a formidable storm.
905
01:16:10,290 --> 01:16:14,170
From the four corners of space,
the four known winds
906
01:16:14,380 --> 01:16:16,550
had found a place to duel,
907
01:16:16,710 --> 01:16:19,630
at the heart of the region's mountains.
908
01:16:19,970 --> 01:16:21,760
Like the runner at Marathon,
909
01:16:21,890 --> 01:16:24,970
tired, but having
conquered great distances,
910
01:16:25,680 --> 01:16:31,100
the train let out its last huff
in the Oravița station.
911
01:16:32,900 --> 01:16:33,980
Yes!
912
01:16:35,270 --> 01:16:37,690
- Some trout, Sir?
- Is it poached?
913
01:16:37,860 --> 01:16:40,110
No one ever poaches here.
914
01:16:40,900 --> 01:16:44,330
Anyway, a few trout less
won't harm the lake
915
01:16:44,490 --> 01:16:47,830
nor the clear rivers
flowing through our mountains.
916
01:16:52,670 --> 01:16:55,540
Allow me to introduce myself.
Solomon Bastius.
917
01:16:55,750 --> 01:16:59,340
Cereal trader here in Oravița.
My company is "The Budding Grain".
918
01:16:59,510 --> 01:17:03,010
Ph.D. candidate Corneliu Cociu,
graduate of Letters and Philosophy.
919
01:17:03,010 --> 01:17:05,550
- I studied with Martin Heidegger!
- Oh my!
920
01:17:05,760 --> 01:17:07,560
What brings you here?
921
01:17:07,720 --> 01:17:12,480
Baron Julius-Adalbert Wirth
has hired me to be his secretary.
922
01:17:12,940 --> 01:17:16,820
The castle isn't his.
He's the late Count's brother-in-law.
923
01:17:17,020 --> 01:17:20,860
And legal guardian to his niece,
Countess Ermina Kollovrat.
924
01:17:21,110 --> 01:17:22,780
I don't envy you, though.
925
01:17:22,950 --> 01:17:25,950
The things that happen
in that cursed castle!
926
01:17:28,450 --> 01:17:30,660
The vampire is coming! Hide!
927
01:17:30,950 --> 01:17:33,290
- What chases you, good people?
- A vampire!
928
01:17:33,540 --> 01:17:35,130
A vampire!
929
01:17:35,710 --> 01:17:38,130
A vampire has been
haunting our parts, Sir.
930
01:17:38,300 --> 01:17:41,760
- What is a vampire?
- You've never heard of it?
931
01:17:42,010 --> 01:17:44,260
A dead body coming to life each night,
932
01:17:44,390 --> 01:17:48,010
leaving his grave
and sucking the blood of the living!
933
01:17:48,560 --> 01:17:50,100
I just saw him!
934
01:17:50,310 --> 01:17:53,810
He had a bat's wings,
a man's body and an eagle's claws!
935
01:17:54,020 --> 01:17:55,980
And frightening eyes,
936
01:17:56,110 --> 01:17:58,690
like brass pans
turned red-hot in the fire!
937
01:17:58,820 --> 01:18:03,110
The hands under his wings
clasped a dagger of unusual size.
938
01:18:03,280 --> 01:18:06,320
He said "Follow me or die here!"
939
01:18:06,570 --> 01:18:09,490
As he made his threat,
lightning struck nearby,
940
01:18:09,740 --> 01:18:12,700
and an owl's fateful cry
heralded our grim end.
941
01:18:12,910 --> 01:18:15,210
But, as if by miracle, he disappeared
942
01:18:15,210 --> 01:18:18,500
and as we ran off,
we heard from behind:
943
01:18:18,670 --> 01:18:21,590
"No one escapes my revenge, nor will you!"
944
01:18:21,710 --> 01:18:23,550
What is his business with you?
945
01:18:23,670 --> 01:18:27,430
We mocked him, denying his existence!
946
01:18:27,430 --> 01:18:28,800
Has he hurt anyone?
947
01:18:28,930 --> 01:18:32,060
He's sucked the blood of
two people in Sommerfrische.
948
01:18:32,310 --> 01:18:34,930
They were from
the tuberculosis sanatorium
949
01:18:34,940 --> 01:18:38,610
and, unable to run,
were torn apart by a pack of wolves!
950
01:18:38,980 --> 01:18:44,190
Vampires have the power
to turn into bats, wolves or eagles!
951
01:18:44,360 --> 01:18:48,530
This region is ruled by a society
whose main constituents are
952
01:18:48,700 --> 01:18:51,200
the former owners or their heirs.
953
01:18:51,540 --> 01:18:54,750
It is haunted by a vampire,
thought to have his lair
954
01:18:54,870 --> 01:18:57,960
in the very castle of
the Kollovrat counts, your destination.
955
01:18:58,170 --> 01:19:01,000
The troubles have been more persistent
956
01:19:01,300 --> 01:19:03,590
since Baron Julius-Adalbert Wirth
957
01:19:03,760 --> 01:19:07,890
built a church and brought in a priest
to pray for the region's salvation.
958
01:19:08,050 --> 01:19:11,010
The church is Catholic,
the priest is Eastern Orthodox!
959
01:19:11,140 --> 01:19:14,520
Nonsense!
Get me a cariole to take me to the castle.
960
01:19:14,680 --> 01:19:16,350
Sir, you don't understand -
961
01:19:16,480 --> 01:19:19,060
- Out of my way!
- It's dangerous!
962
01:19:19,060 --> 01:19:20,230
Good keep us safe!
963
01:19:29,870 --> 01:19:31,330
Giddy-up, my black beauty!
964
01:20:08,570 --> 01:20:10,820
Are you Mr Korneliu Kokyu?
965
01:20:10,990 --> 01:20:13,620
Yes, Baron. Cociu.
966
01:20:14,830 --> 01:20:15,950
Welcome!
967
01:20:16,080 --> 01:20:19,330
I don't speak good German,
but I understand it.
968
01:20:19,620 --> 01:20:21,460
I understand Romanian.
969
01:20:22,420 --> 01:20:26,210
I studied Philosophy
with Martin Heidegger.
970
01:20:26,800 --> 01:20:29,420
Your friend from the NSDAP.
971
01:20:29,930 --> 01:20:31,760
No need to call me Baron.
972
01:20:32,010 --> 01:20:36,140
Nobility by birth is chance.
True nobility is intellectual.
973
01:20:36,310 --> 01:20:38,520
- Not here. There.
- Yes.
974
01:20:38,980 --> 01:20:40,560
Just call me "Sir",
975
01:20:40,730 --> 01:20:43,560
or, once we've known
each other better, "my old friend".
976
01:20:45,860 --> 01:20:49,030
Now let me explain
what I expect of you.
977
01:20:49,820 --> 01:20:52,530
I want you to be by my side,
978
01:20:53,030 --> 01:20:56,120
so we may support each other morally.
979
01:20:56,290 --> 01:21:00,710
This castle is yours, as much
as it is mine and the young lady's,
980
01:21:01,210 --> 01:21:02,750
my pupil.
981
01:21:03,130 --> 01:21:07,000
Your task will be to put order
into the documents and manuscripts here,
982
01:21:07,170 --> 01:21:09,130
and, apart from that,
983
01:21:09,300 --> 01:21:13,470
to make an inventory
and catalogue of the library.
984
01:21:13,590 --> 01:21:15,930
Wow, the complete Edward Gibbon!
985
01:21:16,100 --> 01:21:18,560
The main purpose of your presence here,
986
01:21:18,810 --> 01:21:21,020
though I have not mentioned it before,
987
01:21:21,270 --> 01:21:24,980
is that there may be, in this castle,
988
01:21:25,520 --> 01:21:27,520
not one, but two men.
989
01:21:27,940 --> 01:21:28,780
I see.
990
01:21:34,570 --> 01:21:35,740
Good evening.
991
01:21:35,950 --> 01:21:39,950
Ph.D. candidate Corneliu Cociu.
I've studied with Martin Heidegger.
992
01:21:40,120 --> 01:21:42,210
Countess Ermina of Kollovrat.
993
01:21:42,750 --> 01:21:47,250
My apologies for not knocking.
I am used to being alone here.
994
01:21:47,630 --> 01:21:52,970
But I am glad to find you here,
and fully aware of your important task.
995
01:21:53,590 --> 01:21:58,350
The timbre of her crystalline voice
came as if through a receptacle.
996
01:21:58,970 --> 01:22:03,390
As Cociu gazed at her,
her features blazed into his mind,
997
01:22:03,560 --> 01:22:08,520
like those of an otherworldly being
he had met millennia ago.
998
01:22:09,320 --> 01:22:13,860
Perhaps the archetype
of his dream, embodied here and now.
999
01:22:14,240 --> 01:22:17,870
Young countess Ermina of Kollovrat
was one of those creatures
1000
01:22:17,990 --> 01:22:21,120
only seen in the Oriental
reaches of our fantasy.
1001
01:22:21,620 --> 01:22:27,380
With the pure oval of her face,
like those in Renaissance paintings,
1002
01:22:28,380 --> 01:22:31,880
she seemed a Georgian meant
to express, through her being,
1003
01:22:32,050 --> 01:22:36,340
the embodiment of
perfection in the human race.
1004
01:22:36,470 --> 01:22:38,800
Yes, I am the Countess of Kollovrat,
1005
01:22:39,220 --> 01:22:41,850
owner of this castle and
the surrounding mountains.
1006
01:22:42,060 --> 01:22:44,560
Yet more miserable than a beggar.
1007
01:22:44,890 --> 01:22:49,400
The Countess of Kollovrat,
so wonderfully gifted by nature,
1008
01:22:49,400 --> 01:22:52,690
with such a considerable fortune,
is unhappy?
1009
01:22:52,940 --> 01:22:56,030
Sir, all my endowments from nature
1010
01:22:56,320 --> 01:23:00,370
can only be appreciated, as you see,
by the mountain pines!
1011
01:23:01,830 --> 01:23:03,080
The vampire!
1012
01:23:23,010 --> 01:23:24,270
Countess!
1013
01:23:24,430 --> 01:23:25,930
What is wrong?
1014
01:23:27,310 --> 01:23:28,400
Ermina!
1015
01:23:29,650 --> 01:23:32,570
As a scientist,
I cannot believe such things.
1016
01:23:32,730 --> 01:23:37,110
Only uncultured people or
highly sensitive souls like my niece
1017
01:23:37,320 --> 01:23:39,320
can believe such stories.
1018
01:23:39,450 --> 01:23:42,320
But, Baron, what I have seen last night -
1019
01:23:42,330 --> 01:23:43,870
...Is something banal.
1020
01:23:45,950 --> 01:23:49,330
You can see bats in
every building around here.
1021
01:23:49,620 --> 01:23:53,590
As for wolves, they howl all around.
1022
01:23:53,920 --> 01:23:55,710
Yet, to appease you
1023
01:23:55,960 --> 01:24:00,260
by conceding that you have
indeed seen something unusual,
1024
01:24:00,510 --> 01:24:05,220
I will tell you there is a theory
on collective hallucination.
1025
01:24:06,020 --> 01:24:10,150
The madness of the masses
creates a peculiar atmosphere,
1026
01:24:10,440 --> 01:24:13,150
and you yourself have entered it.
1027
01:24:29,660 --> 01:24:31,710
The young Countess!
1028
01:24:32,460 --> 01:24:33,590
Ermina!
1029
01:24:34,210 --> 01:24:36,590
There is... blood!
1030
01:24:39,340 --> 01:24:40,880
She is dead!
1031
01:24:41,550 --> 01:24:44,050
- Ermina is dead!
- No, not dead!
1032
01:24:44,050 --> 01:24:46,520
- Send for the doctor!
- Jawohl!
1033
01:24:52,770 --> 01:24:57,070
Something like a shadow
penetrated through the window.
1034
01:24:57,190 --> 01:25:00,150
Before I could cry for help, I fainted,
1035
01:25:00,280 --> 01:25:01,820
that's all I know...
1036
01:25:03,620 --> 01:25:04,780
Baron,
1037
01:25:05,490 --> 01:25:07,290
this is my diagnosis:
1038
01:25:08,120 --> 01:25:11,410
Your niece has fallen
victim to the vampire
1039
01:25:11,670 --> 01:25:13,630
who has made many victims already.
1040
01:25:13,960 --> 01:25:17,210
I advise you to hang by every door
1041
01:25:17,380 --> 01:25:21,300
Knoblauch and twigs of
holly dipped in holy water.
1042
01:25:21,550 --> 01:25:22,760
What, you?
1043
01:25:22,930 --> 01:25:26,930
As a man of science,
you shouldn't resort to such compromise.
1044
01:25:27,850 --> 01:25:29,850
I cannot comprehend this.
1045
01:25:30,060 --> 01:25:32,730
Even if vampires really existed,
1046
01:25:32,850 --> 01:25:35,980
I would not fight them
with the weapons of superstition!
1047
01:25:35,980 --> 01:25:40,740
Prayer, prayer alone can
fight the acts of the Unholy One!
1048
01:25:40,900 --> 01:25:41,990
Pray!
1049
01:25:42,110 --> 01:25:45,410
Herr Baron, you are not superstitious -
move aside!
1050
01:25:46,070 --> 01:25:47,950
Me, superstitious?
1051
01:25:49,200 --> 01:25:50,910
No.
1052
01:25:51,790 --> 01:25:52,960
Listen.
1053
01:25:53,580 --> 01:25:56,080
I have brought this priest here,
1054
01:25:56,330 --> 01:26:01,090
built and furnished a church
so that God, with his power,
1055
01:26:01,300 --> 01:26:03,300
may vanquish Satan.
1056
01:26:03,880 --> 01:26:06,930
Please don't consider me
a fanatic for this.
1057
01:26:07,300 --> 01:26:09,310
I see God merely as...
1058
01:26:09,640 --> 01:26:14,100
an arbiter of the Universe,
a form of balance,
1059
01:26:14,310 --> 01:26:17,770
the power of cohesion
between Force and Matter.
1060
01:26:19,020 --> 01:26:21,650
I only built that church for the people.
1061
01:26:21,780 --> 01:26:23,820
For the simple minds,
1062
01:26:23,820 --> 01:26:27,910
who need to live in fear
and respect of holy things.
1063
01:26:28,370 --> 01:26:32,080
An educated man
has his church in his soul.
1064
01:26:32,870 --> 01:26:35,040
Just a moment, Father.
1065
01:26:36,370 --> 01:26:39,500
A Fascist colleague, Eliade Mircea,
told me a Zen koan.
1066
01:26:39,710 --> 01:26:44,130
"We know how two hands clap,
but how does a single hand?"
1067
01:26:53,020 --> 01:26:57,650
You blame the 60 dead and
120 wounded in the mine cave-in
1068
01:26:57,900 --> 01:26:59,730
on the vampire.
1069
01:26:59,900 --> 01:27:01,730
It may well be.
1070
01:27:01,900 --> 01:27:05,360
As a result of your lack of faith!
1071
01:27:05,780 --> 01:27:11,660
Religious faith alone is all-powerful
in the fight against evil!
1072
01:27:12,490 --> 01:27:15,210
Why does this vampire appear before us,
1073
01:27:15,410 --> 01:27:20,090
terrorising, assaulting,
sometimes killing?
1074
01:27:20,340 --> 01:27:26,130
Because men have turned evil
and lost their faith in God!
1075
01:27:26,340 --> 01:27:30,100
Our church is emptier by the day,
1076
01:27:30,300 --> 01:27:34,270
and those who do enter it
have dishonest souls!
1077
01:27:34,520 --> 01:27:36,060
Petty souls!
1078
01:27:36,230 --> 01:27:38,190
They all come empty-handed,
1079
01:27:38,600 --> 01:27:44,400
not thinking of our church's
needs and expenses!
1080
01:27:45,490 --> 01:27:48,910
Why does the vampire
not visit me, for instance?
1081
01:27:49,070 --> 01:27:54,080
Because he fears the Holy Archangel
who, by the grace of the Lord,
1082
01:27:54,410 --> 01:27:58,160
guards me and casts away evil spirits,
1083
01:27:58,290 --> 01:28:00,210
with his fiery sword!
1084
01:28:00,630 --> 01:28:03,550
Believe in God
and you shall be saved,
1085
01:28:03,710 --> 01:28:07,130
pray and you shall be protected!
1086
01:28:07,920 --> 01:28:10,550
Otherwise, like Sodom and Gomorrah,
1087
01:28:10,720 --> 01:28:15,220
Earth shall be engulfed
in the all-consuming flames
1088
01:28:15,640 --> 01:28:21,020
and we shall perish in
the ghastly torment of unforgiving Hell!
1089
01:28:21,230 --> 01:28:25,690
Frightened by the pathetic tones
of this new Savonarola,
1090
01:28:26,150 --> 01:28:29,740
heads hung even lower, knees were bent,
1091
01:28:30,070 --> 01:28:34,620
trembling amber-yellow fingers
clasped prayer books,
1092
01:28:35,120 --> 01:28:41,620
and coins jingled in the offertory box.
1093
01:28:44,090 --> 01:28:49,260
Perhaps he subconsciously
wished to meet the vampire,
1094
01:28:49,420 --> 01:28:51,930
throttle him and shout:
1095
01:28:52,260 --> 01:28:58,100
"You are an impostor, taking
supernatural form to terrify the region!"
1096
01:28:58,560 --> 01:29:03,520
But the vampire seemed to want
to play a trick on Corneliu Cociu
1097
01:29:03,650 --> 01:29:05,770
by avoiding him.
1098
01:29:11,990 --> 01:29:14,030
Halt! Who goes there?
1099
01:29:19,000 --> 01:29:20,210
Stop or I shoot!
1100
01:29:21,160 --> 01:29:25,250
If you are a good man,
you will not be harmed.
1101
01:29:25,500 --> 01:29:29,130
I am hungry and cannot hold back!
1102
01:29:29,340 --> 01:29:32,760
All I ask for is three drops of blood!
1103
01:29:40,270 --> 01:29:41,480
Cheers.
1104
01:29:41,980 --> 01:29:46,360
Mayor, these vampire stories
have become a cock-and-bull story.
1105
01:29:46,520 --> 01:29:49,570
The gravekeeper's plight
shows they are no stories.
1106
01:29:49,730 --> 01:29:52,200
A damn drunkard!
He was hallucinating.
1107
01:29:52,400 --> 01:29:55,950
He fell asleep,
dreamed of fighting the vampire,
1108
01:29:56,070 --> 01:29:59,040
scratched his neck
and made up this story!
1109
01:29:59,450 --> 01:30:03,620
Devil, saint, bandit
or honest man, I don't care.
1110
01:30:04,000 --> 01:30:05,750
One thing I'm sure of.
1111
01:30:06,000 --> 01:30:11,260
As mayor, I will do everything
in my power to defeat the vampire.
1112
01:30:11,550 --> 01:30:15,180
If he's a devil, he is not
of this world and can't fight me.
1113
01:30:15,390 --> 01:30:16,850
Same if he's an angel.
1114
01:30:17,010 --> 01:30:20,640
But if he's human, so am I,
so let the strongest win!
1115
01:30:22,060 --> 01:30:23,940
Hello, Father!
1116
01:30:24,100 --> 01:30:25,900
God bless, my children.
1117
01:30:26,770 --> 01:30:29,060
What do you make of the vampire's attack?
1118
01:30:29,070 --> 01:30:31,150
There is no vampire!
1119
01:30:31,610 --> 01:30:36,160
It is a figment of the superstition
of people who have lost faith!
1120
01:30:36,280 --> 01:30:41,410
Sure, Father, but medicine says
wounds don't appear without a cause.
1121
01:30:41,870 --> 01:30:43,660
I fear nothing and no one.
1122
01:30:43,790 --> 01:30:47,040
While my conscience is clean,
no harm can come to me.
1123
01:30:47,210 --> 01:30:51,420
Yes, Mayor, those of pure
conscience have nothing to fear.
1124
01:30:51,590 --> 01:30:55,470
I believe this is a living being
speculating on popular belief.
1125
01:30:55,590 --> 01:30:56,930
Nonsense!
1126
01:30:57,050 --> 01:31:00,600
No one has seen this vampire,
and those who claim so
1127
01:31:00,850 --> 01:31:04,220
have built him out of hallucinations!
1128
01:31:04,230 --> 01:31:06,940
If I saw him,
I would welcome him with a bullet!
1129
01:31:07,270 --> 01:31:09,900
That would teach him to scare people!
1130
01:31:10,020 --> 01:31:11,440
You are mistaken!
1131
01:31:12,110 --> 01:31:13,900
It snowed large, heavy flakes.
1132
01:31:14,150 --> 01:31:17,860
Above the sky's ceiling,
the divine duvet-maker
1133
01:31:17,860 --> 01:31:19,570
was carding the wool of time.
1134
01:31:19,740 --> 01:31:23,200
The mountaintops,
obscured by the thick snow,
1135
01:31:23,410 --> 01:31:25,960
looked like towers reflected in a lake.
1136
01:31:26,290 --> 01:31:28,420
Like a gauze weaved of platinum,
1137
01:31:28,670 --> 01:31:33,300
cold blankets of snow
fell quietly, piling up tall.
1138
01:31:33,550 --> 01:31:38,340
The aged, now-white fir trees
were like chandeliers with snow candles
1139
01:31:38,550 --> 01:31:42,260
seemingly awaiting
Christmas and its gifts.
1140
01:31:44,560 --> 01:31:45,850
Who are you?
1141
01:31:48,310 --> 01:31:49,850
Are you the vampire?
1142
01:31:50,400 --> 01:31:52,650
If you are, I will shoot!
1143
01:31:52,980 --> 01:31:55,860
It would not hurt to try!
1144
01:31:57,900 --> 01:32:00,370
Will you not shoot?
1145
01:32:31,600 --> 01:32:33,940
Good morning, Herr Cociu.
1146
01:32:34,860 --> 01:32:36,570
How have you slept?
1147
01:32:37,440 --> 01:32:39,820
Herr Cociu, what is wrong?
1148
01:32:40,070 --> 01:32:41,860
Nothing, Herr Baron,
1149
01:32:42,120 --> 01:32:44,620
except I, too, have fallen to the vampire!
1150
01:32:45,410 --> 01:32:47,160
No, it cannot be.
1151
01:32:47,580 --> 01:32:50,250
Oh yes. I have met him in the Wald.
1152
01:32:50,460 --> 01:32:52,380
He disarmed me, sucked me.
1153
01:32:52,630 --> 01:32:56,090
If it hadn't been for
the forest keeper, who knows?
1154
01:32:56,340 --> 01:32:58,130
See the wound as evidence.
1155
01:32:58,840 --> 01:33:00,880
Here, on my neck.
1156
01:33:01,180 --> 01:33:04,010
You've scratched your neck, my dear.
1157
01:33:04,430 --> 01:33:06,760
While you were dreaming of the vampire.
1158
01:33:07,350 --> 01:33:10,600
And if the forest keeper hadn't appeared,
1159
01:33:10,810 --> 01:33:15,150
you'd have slept in the snow
and caught the influenza!
1160
01:33:16,610 --> 01:33:19,990
Unless you would have died of exposure.
1161
01:33:20,190 --> 01:33:23,110
Herr Baron,
I have seen the vampire!
1162
01:33:23,240 --> 01:33:25,950
I am not an uncultured seer of visions.
1163
01:33:26,120 --> 01:33:28,120
Allow me to contradict you.
1164
01:33:29,080 --> 01:33:33,080
It is intellectuals who
have the stronger imagination.
1165
01:33:33,420 --> 01:33:35,250
But vampires do exist.
1166
01:33:35,750 --> 01:33:40,130
I am now convinced of his
considerable supernatural powers.
1167
01:33:40,300 --> 01:33:42,760
I was under a mistaken impression.
1168
01:33:42,930 --> 01:33:44,760
But now that it has happened to me...
1169
01:33:45,760 --> 01:33:48,680
the matter has taken a different turn.
1170
01:33:48,850 --> 01:33:51,640
"A different turn", ja.
1171
01:33:52,810 --> 01:33:56,190
I am afraid of the vampire.
I always have been.
1172
01:33:56,440 --> 01:33:59,730
All my life in this castle
was spent under terror.
1173
01:33:59,940 --> 01:34:04,530
An exaggeration, Countess,
one that has made you lose hope.
1174
01:34:04,910 --> 01:34:07,240
The vampire is either
a joint mystification,
1175
01:34:07,410 --> 01:34:09,830
or a man-made forgery.
1176
01:34:10,500 --> 01:34:12,870
If the former is true, we are safe.
1177
01:34:13,000 --> 01:34:17,420
As for the second, I will
ferret out the false vampire!
1178
01:34:17,630 --> 01:34:19,750
The priest brought in by Baron Wirth,
1179
01:34:20,050 --> 01:34:23,670
though a firm believer
in spirits and vampires,
1180
01:34:23,880 --> 01:34:29,550
shows that prayer and good deeds
elevate man above evil powers.
1181
01:34:29,560 --> 01:34:31,890
- Has he never seen the vampire?
- No.
1182
01:34:31,890 --> 01:34:33,520
O tulips!
1183
01:34:35,350 --> 01:34:37,270
No, he fears the priest!
1184
01:34:37,440 --> 01:34:42,820
Even those close to the priest
have been kept safe from the vampire.
1185
01:34:43,320 --> 01:34:46,410
It's the divine power of a servant of God.
1186
01:34:46,570 --> 01:34:49,620
The gift believers are blessed with.
1187
01:34:49,780 --> 01:34:52,790
Pardon me, Countess,
but if I embraced that belief,
1188
01:34:52,910 --> 01:34:56,120
I would deeply betray science.
1189
01:34:56,250 --> 01:34:58,040
Science wants explanations.
1190
01:34:58,210 --> 01:35:02,090
The Father claims the vampire
is a spawn of darkness,
1191
01:35:02,260 --> 01:35:05,550
meant to punish sinners
for their loss of faith.
1192
01:35:05,680 --> 01:35:07,880
Then why has he visited you,
1193
01:35:07,890 --> 01:35:10,640
who are at peace with
your conscience and faith?
1194
01:35:10,810 --> 01:35:14,180
The Father says no human is without sin.
1195
01:35:14,350 --> 01:35:17,730
An odd thing to say.
The priest is human too.
1196
01:35:17,850 --> 01:35:22,230
So, by logical induction,
the vampire should persecute him too.
1197
01:35:22,440 --> 01:35:25,780
Even more so, since the priest
serves opposite interests.
1198
01:35:26,070 --> 01:35:30,780
The vampire is the Devil's ambassador,
the priest is God's messenger on Earth.
1199
01:35:31,200 --> 01:35:33,410
I must go. It is late.
1200
01:35:33,580 --> 01:35:36,210
The Countess held out her hand.
1201
01:35:36,370 --> 01:35:41,290
He kissed her delicate fingers
shivering coyly like frightened birds.
1202
01:35:49,340 --> 01:35:53,640
Countess Ermina, how glad I am
that you have stayed to pray!
1203
01:35:54,890 --> 01:35:56,020
Father...
1204
01:35:57,020 --> 01:35:59,730
I have given up
the thought of taking vows.
1205
01:36:00,150 --> 01:36:03,400
For a long time, I thought
I was meant for the convent.
1206
01:36:03,650 --> 01:36:07,150
Alone, with an uncle
who sees me as a burden,
1207
01:36:07,360 --> 01:36:10,620
forced to manage my fortune
by neglecting his,
1208
01:36:10,910 --> 01:36:14,120
denied the warmth of family affection,
1209
01:36:14,370 --> 01:36:19,210
abandoned by all,
powerless in a world full of evil,
1210
01:36:19,460 --> 01:36:22,500
I felt your advice was sound, Father.
1211
01:36:22,710 --> 01:36:27,170
To enter a monastery, sacrificing to God
my being, my youth, my fortune.
1212
01:36:27,550 --> 01:36:29,180
- But -
- Think, Countess.
1213
01:36:29,300 --> 01:36:32,220
This cursed region
is haunted by a vampire
1214
01:36:32,350 --> 01:36:35,100
who has only paused his pursuit of you
1215
01:36:35,220 --> 01:36:39,480
because God Almighty knows
how devoted you now are to Him.
1216
01:36:39,690 --> 01:36:42,520
Also think, Countess, of the locals
1217
01:36:42,520 --> 01:36:46,530
whom only you, through faith
and devotion to the Church,
1218
01:36:46,650 --> 01:36:49,070
can save from the Devil's claws!
1219
01:36:49,360 --> 01:36:54,410
And why would you want
to reject God's protection?
1220
01:36:54,780 --> 01:36:59,830
You, who have not succumbed
to the immoral fashion of the day,
1221
01:37:00,460 --> 01:37:05,460
who do not smoke, nor wear
short hair and dresses, nor makeup -
1222
01:37:05,590 --> 01:37:07,340
I am in love, Father!
1223
01:37:25,940 --> 01:37:28,230
Such fairytale scenery!
1224
01:37:28,570 --> 01:37:31,860
One expects to see
Little Red Riding Hood, the wolf,
1225
01:37:32,070 --> 01:37:35,370
dragons and other fairytale creatures!
1226
01:37:35,660 --> 01:37:38,740
Clearly, you are
more used to city streets.
1227
01:37:56,470 --> 01:37:57,720
Halt!
1228
01:37:58,930 --> 01:38:01,020
Not one step further!
1229
01:38:01,140 --> 01:38:03,060
I'll teach you to play the vampire!
1230
01:38:06,480 --> 01:38:07,820
Mr. Cociu!
1231
01:38:19,080 --> 01:38:20,660
Countess, I have hit him!
1232
01:38:20,830 --> 01:38:22,540
He bleeds warm blood!
1233
01:38:22,540 --> 01:38:25,370
- So...
- He is as human as us, Countess!
1234
01:38:25,750 --> 01:38:27,170
I'll get him yet!
1235
01:38:27,500 --> 01:38:30,880
Now let us resume our walk,
and I will rat out that vampire!
1236
01:38:31,380 --> 01:38:34,050
Utile et dulci, as Horatio said.
1237
01:38:45,440 --> 01:38:49,820
All the attacks reveal
a truth with the clarity of an axiom.
1238
01:38:50,020 --> 01:38:53,030
No vampire victim has been robbed.
1239
01:38:53,360 --> 01:38:56,860
So we are forced to draw this conclusion:
1240
01:38:57,160 --> 01:39:00,450
The motive of these acts
can only be revenge.
1241
01:39:00,740 --> 01:39:03,830
But could one man want
revenge against so many?
1242
01:39:04,040 --> 01:39:07,040
Were the two assaults on us
also motivated by revenge?
1243
01:39:07,210 --> 01:39:08,830
The one on me, for sure.
1244
01:39:09,000 --> 01:39:11,250
The vampire may think I am onto him
1245
01:39:11,420 --> 01:39:14,590
so he tried to push me
off the playing field,
1246
01:39:14,800 --> 01:39:17,430
or we may be about to ruin his plan.
1247
01:39:17,930 --> 01:39:21,310
In fact, the cariole that brought me here
1248
01:39:21,760 --> 01:39:23,850
rolled over by the stream.
1249
01:39:24,270 --> 01:39:27,980
But Dr. Geza Vendelin said
the merchant's death was an accident.
1250
01:39:28,100 --> 01:39:29,610
A huge idiot!
1251
01:39:30,110 --> 01:39:32,150
Then the manager of the Anina mines
1252
01:39:32,150 --> 01:39:34,190
was found with the same cut on his throat,
1253
01:39:34,490 --> 01:39:36,400
then you were assaulted...
1254
01:39:41,030 --> 01:39:44,500
Corneliu and Ermina continued
their walk in the mountains.
1255
01:39:44,660 --> 01:39:49,500
Ahead they could faintly
see the lights of Sommerfrische,
1256
01:39:49,500 --> 01:39:51,790
while left and right of the meadow
1257
01:39:51,790 --> 01:39:54,550
moonlight revealed multitudes of animals
1258
01:39:54,550 --> 01:39:57,340
wooing in the virginal surroundings.
1259
01:39:58,470 --> 01:40:01,390
Later they descended into a summer garden,
1260
01:40:01,640 --> 01:40:05,680
where they spent a while in a bush,
like two timid lovers.
1261
01:40:33,130 --> 01:40:35,210
There you were, Herr Cociu!
1262
01:40:35,460 --> 01:40:37,090
Jawohl, Herr Baron.
1263
01:40:37,720 --> 01:40:40,890
- What are you doing here?
- Checking for vampire traces.
1264
01:40:42,600 --> 01:40:44,050
Vampire traces?
1265
01:40:46,640 --> 01:40:50,730
Forgive me,
but I see you, too, are a victim.
1266
01:40:51,270 --> 01:40:54,400
This is a case of
contagious mass self-delusion,
1267
01:40:54,520 --> 01:40:57,400
you have begun to fear the vampire!
1268
01:40:58,440 --> 01:41:01,200
- You are not afraid, Herr Baron?
- No.
1269
01:41:02,030 --> 01:41:05,200
I am aware all these crimes
have been committed by a human!
1270
01:41:05,530 --> 01:41:08,000
Then why has he not been caught?
1271
01:41:09,250 --> 01:41:12,250
Because an intelligent criminal
is hard to catch,
1272
01:41:12,710 --> 01:41:14,500
when he works with no accomplices.
1273
01:41:14,670 --> 01:41:17,840
Only the mediocre fall
into the hands of the police.
1274
01:41:18,260 --> 01:41:23,590
At any rate,
this is a highly intelligent man,
1275
01:41:24,140 --> 01:41:28,930
who remains beyond suspicion
and is confident of his position here.
1276
01:41:29,100 --> 01:41:32,600
Entschuldigung, but I shall
accompany the Countess for a walk.
1277
01:41:32,810 --> 01:41:34,480
- Countess!
- Herr Cociu!
1278
01:41:36,900 --> 01:41:38,320
Pardon me.
1279
01:41:47,030 --> 01:41:48,160
What a surprise!
1280
01:41:48,370 --> 01:41:50,830
I would like to ask, Mr. Cociu.
1281
01:41:51,370 --> 01:41:53,170
What do you feel for me?
1282
01:41:53,670 --> 01:41:57,000
- Well...
- Let me tell you what I feel for you.
1283
01:41:57,000 --> 01:41:58,710
I know what you want to say, Countess.
1284
01:41:59,340 --> 01:42:02,010
A certain diffuse palpitation,
1285
01:42:02,420 --> 01:42:05,680
a mysterious shiver,
sometimes, beyond your will.
1286
01:42:06,050 --> 01:42:08,180
I feel the same, Countess,
1287
01:42:08,180 --> 01:42:10,680
and I will tell you sincerely,
since you ask,
1288
01:42:10,930 --> 01:42:12,560
that I have felt it for a long time.
1289
01:42:14,310 --> 01:42:17,900
As long as my suffering
at not daring to confess it.
1290
01:42:18,610 --> 01:42:23,860
Human souls may have
the same structure, but different clothes.
1291
01:42:24,150 --> 01:42:28,280
A minstrel's soul can be
as grand as that of a king,
1292
01:42:28,580 --> 01:42:31,500
but the latter wears royal purple.
1293
01:42:32,330 --> 01:42:35,620
Had you not brought it up,
1294
01:42:36,500 --> 01:42:38,710
my soul may never have dared,
1295
01:42:39,300 --> 01:42:43,470
through its physical garb,
to utter such confessions.
1296
01:42:44,380 --> 01:42:46,470
What do I feel by your side?
1297
01:42:46,970 --> 01:42:49,930
An abundant, divine paradise!
1298
01:42:50,180 --> 01:42:54,390
You are the one light my soul
sees in its grotto of despair!
1299
01:42:54,890 --> 01:42:57,480
And this... is love?
1300
01:42:57,610 --> 01:42:58,730
Yes!
1301
01:42:58,730 --> 01:43:01,650
But our social standing is different.
1302
01:43:02,150 --> 01:43:06,410
What does social standing have
to do with my soul's needs?
1303
01:43:07,030 --> 01:43:09,370
What we feel is the same.
1304
01:43:10,030 --> 01:43:11,910
To feel is to want,
1305
01:43:11,910 --> 01:43:13,660
and to want is to be!
1306
01:43:13,660 --> 01:43:14,960
Schopenhauer!
1307
01:43:15,120 --> 01:43:18,960
The sun had hidden behind
a mountain when the two youth,
1308
01:43:19,130 --> 01:43:21,540
reaching a cold stream,
1309
01:43:21,550 --> 01:43:25,300
plunged their hands in
the ice-cold, crystal-clear water.
1310
01:43:25,590 --> 01:43:30,180
Splashing around misty drops
as heralds of good fortune,
1311
01:43:30,430 --> 01:43:32,930
wet hands touching each other's shoulders,
1312
01:43:33,180 --> 01:43:38,150
they sealed with a first kiss
their unsuspected spiritual bond.
1313
01:43:45,780 --> 01:43:46,900
Ermina...
1314
01:43:47,030 --> 01:43:48,530
Mr. Cociu!
1315
01:43:49,110 --> 01:43:51,370
The innkeeper has been attacked!
1316
01:43:56,000 --> 01:43:58,290
What happened? Pardon me.
1317
01:44:00,130 --> 01:44:04,170
- I can't!
- You have to speak, so we can help.
1318
01:44:06,220 --> 01:44:08,550
I had just finished work last night...
1319
01:44:12,850 --> 01:44:13,850
Who is it?
1320
01:44:14,010 --> 01:44:15,560
A poor traveler.
1321
01:44:16,140 --> 01:44:20,600
On the way from Oravița,
my cariole's axle broke.
1322
01:44:20,810 --> 01:44:22,690
I seek a little rest.
1323
01:44:27,530 --> 01:44:29,410
Please, take a seat.
1324
01:44:29,910 --> 01:44:32,450
I am not used to eating alone.
1325
01:44:32,870 --> 01:44:36,500
I would appreciate if
we could toast together.
1326
01:44:39,250 --> 01:44:43,000
I regret having to leave
these beautiful lands,
1327
01:44:43,920 --> 01:44:46,960
but I have heard of a vampire
1328
01:44:47,130 --> 01:44:49,260
terrorising die alle Regionen!
1329
01:44:49,550 --> 01:44:51,260
Nonsense, Sir!
1330
01:44:51,840 --> 01:44:54,260
The vampire is nothing but an illusion.
1331
01:44:55,390 --> 01:44:58,180
So you do not believe in the vampire?
1332
01:44:59,350 --> 01:45:01,150
I believe in my money and work.
1333
01:45:01,440 --> 01:45:03,610
Vampires might exist,
1334
01:45:04,360 --> 01:45:06,230
but they can't have
anything to do with me.
1335
01:45:06,690 --> 01:45:08,490
To hell with that vampire!
1336
01:45:08,900 --> 01:45:12,200
Everywhere you turn,
it's all "the vampire, the vampire!"
1337
01:45:12,410 --> 01:45:15,830
We're the laugh of the region,
may he be struck dead!
1338
01:45:19,200 --> 01:45:20,370
I have a suspicion.
1339
01:45:21,120 --> 01:45:23,420
It's either Baron Wirth, or the priest.
1340
01:45:24,540 --> 01:45:29,720
For shame, Sir,
how can you imagine an aristocrat,
1341
01:45:29,920 --> 01:45:34,390
or the upholder
of faith in the Lord our God,
1342
01:45:34,640 --> 01:45:37,010
lowering themselves to such crime!
1343
01:45:37,010 --> 01:45:38,430
Dear Sir,
1344
01:45:39,020 --> 01:45:41,850
priests are privileged from birth.
1345
01:45:42,480 --> 01:45:44,810
Their studies are paid by the state,
1346
01:45:45,230 --> 01:45:48,900
and if he sleeps with a woman,
like us normal folk do,
1347
01:45:49,150 --> 01:45:52,400
the state has to give him a parish!
1348
01:45:52,570 --> 01:45:54,660
I didn't get my inn for free!
1349
01:45:55,240 --> 01:45:57,450
That's what makes him holy.
1350
01:45:57,660 --> 01:46:02,790
So pardon me if I have
little faith in my fellow men,
1351
01:46:03,080 --> 01:46:04,420
priests or not.
1352
01:46:04,540 --> 01:46:06,460
You don't believe in priests,
1353
01:46:06,630 --> 01:46:08,880
and you are truly not
afraid of the vampires?
1354
01:46:09,880 --> 01:46:11,880
You are mistaken, friend.
1355
01:46:13,470 --> 01:46:15,930
I fear you might call for me tonight,
1356
01:46:16,470 --> 01:46:18,220
asking for help.
1357
01:46:43,410 --> 01:46:46,380
Poor quality meat!
Such rotten fodder!
1358
01:46:46,540 --> 01:46:49,550
Such disgusting chaff! A pox on you!
1359
01:47:04,600 --> 01:47:06,440
Who are you, what do you want?
1360
01:47:06,770 --> 01:47:08,270
I am the vampire,
1361
01:47:08,440 --> 01:47:11,150
whose Existenz you doubted!
1362
01:47:11,690 --> 01:47:15,950
Right now, no priest
und no religion can save you!
1363
01:47:16,110 --> 01:47:18,990
Priests are only good
1364
01:47:19,160 --> 01:47:23,790
when no power greater
than religion stands in their way.
1365
01:47:24,200 --> 01:47:26,750
But may the world's Patriarchs forgive us,
1366
01:47:26,920 --> 01:47:33,170
we, too, have our times,
when they und God himself are asleep!
1367
01:47:33,380 --> 01:47:35,470
Forgive me, I've done you no harm!
1368
01:47:36,380 --> 01:47:38,640
Keep your mouth in check!
1369
01:47:39,050 --> 01:47:40,260
You talk too much!
1370
01:47:40,640 --> 01:47:47,900
The vampire is beyond human ken
und beyond human talk!
1371
01:47:50,940 --> 01:47:52,900
That's all I remember.
1372
01:47:53,360 --> 01:47:57,150
I came to my senses
with a bite on my neck,
1373
01:47:57,950 --> 01:48:00,530
faint from blood loss!
1374
01:48:04,370 --> 01:48:06,790
Mr. Cociu, Baron Wirth sends me.
1375
01:48:07,080 --> 01:48:09,250
- Disaster has struck!
- What?
1376
01:48:09,420 --> 01:48:11,290
Countess Ermina is missing.
1377
01:48:12,670 --> 01:48:15,960
- For how long?
- She was not in her chamber this morning.
1378
01:48:16,130 --> 01:48:17,670
Her bed was untouched.
1379
01:48:17,800 --> 01:48:21,430
My soul is heavy with foreboding.
1380
01:48:21,930 --> 01:48:25,520
Never mind foreboding,
what we need is action!
1381
01:48:25,720 --> 01:48:28,140
It's the vampire, Mr. Cociu!
1382
01:48:28,270 --> 01:48:30,480
Quiet, you lowlife serf!
1383
01:48:43,660 --> 01:48:47,160
Nothing unusual, save for
this chloroform-imbibed pad.
1384
01:48:47,330 --> 01:48:49,960
- Chloroform?
- This is a human's doing!
1385
01:48:50,120 --> 01:48:53,210
I've never heard of
vampires using chloroform.
1386
01:48:53,340 --> 01:48:55,500
it's the vampire, Mr. Cociu! I'm scared -
1387
01:48:55,670 --> 01:48:57,210
Quiet, simpleton!
1388
01:48:57,380 --> 01:49:02,050
All I see here is
drugging and abduction.
1389
01:49:03,300 --> 01:49:04,470
Ermina!
1390
01:49:06,100 --> 01:49:07,810
"Do not search for me!
1391
01:49:08,980 --> 01:49:12,440
Through my conversations
with this wonderful priest,
1392
01:49:12,770 --> 01:49:17,440
I have become deeply
convinced of my mission.
1393
01:49:17,690 --> 01:49:19,820
I will take vows in a monastery!"
1394
01:49:19,990 --> 01:49:21,280
In a monastery?
1395
01:49:21,280 --> 01:49:22,610
Read it!
1396
01:49:23,990 --> 01:49:28,080
"I must renounce worldly life
to banish the evil spirits
1397
01:49:28,080 --> 01:49:30,500
trying to conquer my soul.
1398
01:49:30,830 --> 01:49:32,250
I am a cursed woman!
1399
01:49:33,080 --> 01:49:38,170
Mine is an ancestral curse,
which I must keep away from my family.
1400
01:49:38,420 --> 01:49:42,680
Monastery life is not a sacrifice.
I go there gladly, Ermina."
1401
01:49:42,880 --> 01:49:44,300
Gross forgery!
1402
01:49:44,470 --> 01:49:46,390
No. That is her handwriting.
1403
01:49:47,720 --> 01:49:52,560
For a noble, beautiful maiden,
monastery life is a great sacrifice!
1404
01:49:52,850 --> 01:49:56,480
I fail to see your point.
All Christians live for the Church.
1405
01:49:56,650 --> 01:50:00,150
This is a complete
renunciation of worldly pleasures,
1406
01:50:00,280 --> 01:50:01,900
what the Countess is doing.
1407
01:50:02,280 --> 01:50:04,200
This news makes me glad, son.
1408
01:50:04,360 --> 01:50:06,160
But she is an unfortunate soul!
1409
01:50:06,280 --> 01:50:10,790
The Baron thinks his niece is insane,
and will take measures as her guardian.
1410
01:50:10,910 --> 01:50:14,080
What measures can the Baron take?
1411
01:50:15,080 --> 01:50:17,540
Does he think to fight God?
1412
01:50:18,000 --> 01:50:20,880
Does he want the region
to be laid waste by plague?
1413
01:50:21,590 --> 01:50:24,260
Isn't the vampire tormenting us enough?
1414
01:50:24,720 --> 01:50:26,850
Does he seek more grief?
1415
01:50:27,430 --> 01:50:30,310
In that case, let him fight God!
1416
01:50:30,560 --> 01:50:32,810
That's why I come, Father.
1417
01:50:32,930 --> 01:50:36,190
To ask you, in your wisdom,
to help find the Countess
1418
01:50:36,190 --> 01:50:37,980
and serve as mediator.
1419
01:50:38,110 --> 01:50:39,520
Find another believer!
1420
01:50:39,650 --> 01:50:43,740
Our frail Countess has no more blood
to give to this exaggerated faith!
1421
01:50:44,280 --> 01:50:46,740
By what right do you intervene?
1422
01:50:47,370 --> 01:50:49,330
Are you of the Countess' family?
1423
01:50:49,990 --> 01:50:53,710
The Church has taken her under its shield!
1424
01:50:53,830 --> 01:50:56,290
It is not her I defend, Father, it is you.
1425
01:50:56,460 --> 01:51:01,960
The Baron suspects you influenced her
and wants to bring in another priest.
1426
01:51:05,550 --> 01:51:07,470
Mister... Cociu.
1427
01:51:10,140 --> 01:51:11,350
Bless you.
1428
01:51:11,470 --> 01:51:15,850
Has anyone sent you here
to tell me these things?
1429
01:51:16,020 --> 01:51:18,900
Or do you dare speak so
of your own accord?
1430
01:51:18,900 --> 01:51:20,400
I will dare even more.
1431
01:51:20,570 --> 01:51:23,570
I myself ask you to find the girl
1432
01:51:23,740 --> 01:51:27,410
and bring her home,
or you will see the Devil, Father!
1433
01:51:27,570 --> 01:51:28,740
I guarantee it!
1434
01:51:28,740 --> 01:51:32,700
Once again, by what right
do you speak to me this way?
1435
01:51:32,830 --> 01:51:37,330
The right of my love
for this girl and holy justice!
1436
01:51:42,840 --> 01:51:44,050
I see that...
1437
01:51:45,380 --> 01:51:47,880
you speak of love, Mr. Cociu.
1438
01:51:49,010 --> 01:51:52,060
Have you wondered if
the Countess loves you too?
1439
01:51:53,100 --> 01:51:56,890
If she does not,
you are scaring the fish in vain.
1440
01:51:57,060 --> 01:52:00,310
You know what, Father,
I will visit you more often,
1441
01:52:00,560 --> 01:52:02,820
to learn your art of fascination,
1442
01:52:02,980 --> 01:52:07,950
so she loves me as you made her
fall in love with your Church!
1443
01:52:08,110 --> 01:52:10,160
I do not have the honour!
1444
01:52:14,620 --> 01:52:18,750
Torpid sadness had
overwhelmed Corneliu Cociu's soul.
1445
01:52:18,920 --> 01:52:22,340
His life, he thought,
was one great misfortune.
1446
01:52:22,500 --> 01:52:25,210
Only once had fate seemed to favour him;
1447
01:52:25,460 --> 01:52:29,380
but now he saw that even
that sliver of good fortune
1448
01:52:29,550 --> 01:52:33,180
had only invited all of this misery.
1449
01:52:33,510 --> 01:52:36,100
The endless chasm
in his soul grew and grew.
1450
01:52:36,220 --> 01:52:38,350
Once, only once...
1451
01:52:38,600 --> 01:52:40,100
he thought,
1452
01:52:40,350 --> 01:52:45,440
it appeared I could stop fighting,
live at peace with the whole world.
1453
01:53:19,940 --> 01:53:21,810
You are alive still?
1454
01:53:21,940 --> 01:53:27,980
I am, and will not die
until I trample the soil on your grave!
1455
01:53:28,690 --> 01:53:29,900
What do you want?
1456
01:53:30,070 --> 01:53:32,740
You idle spawn, I will make you
1457
01:53:32,990 --> 01:53:36,870
serve a cause more worthy than your life!
1458
01:53:37,200 --> 01:53:41,160
With body und soul,
you will be bound to me.
1459
01:53:41,460 --> 01:53:43,960
You must do as I command!
1460
01:53:44,080 --> 01:53:45,170
Ermina!
1461
01:53:45,170 --> 01:53:46,590
Yes, master.
1462
01:53:46,750 --> 01:53:49,630
Show me how you love me.
1463
01:53:51,050 --> 01:53:52,930
Let her be, scum!
1464
01:53:54,220 --> 01:53:56,680
And you, prepare for death!
1465
01:53:56,810 --> 01:54:00,980
I am prepared, since
you have made me defenseless!
1466
01:54:02,890 --> 01:54:06,060
Is that how you speak to an archangel?
1467
01:54:06,360 --> 01:54:08,820
You, an archangel?
Then I can be one tomorrow!
1468
01:54:08,940 --> 01:54:11,320
Tomorrow you shall be in the grave!
1469
01:54:11,650 --> 01:54:13,530
Why do you have against me?
1470
01:54:14,320 --> 01:54:16,740
You must die, for you know too much.
1471
01:54:16,740 --> 01:54:19,490
You have interfered in my business.
1472
01:54:19,660 --> 01:54:23,620
Until you came, I was undisturbed,
1473
01:54:23,790 --> 01:54:27,080
und no one stood against me!
1474
01:54:27,090 --> 01:54:31,050
- You are the vampire?
- Yes, I am the vampire!
1475
01:54:31,300 --> 01:54:33,800
Had enough, my little friend?
1476
01:54:35,470 --> 01:54:37,640
You should not have angered me!
1477
01:54:37,890 --> 01:54:40,720
It is not allowed to a weak mortal
1478
01:54:40,970 --> 01:54:44,230
to meddle with supernatural powers.
1479
01:54:44,390 --> 01:54:46,190
You bastard! Ermina!
1480
01:54:46,350 --> 01:54:48,520
I am a demigod!
1481
01:54:48,730 --> 01:54:52,690
I would have been content
to become superhuman.
1482
01:54:52,940 --> 01:54:58,700
But, unable to do so,
I must now create a higher species.
1483
01:54:58,950 --> 01:55:03,960
But God, who only
supports wretched humans,
1484
01:55:04,580 --> 01:55:07,630
has entered a conflict with Belzebuth!
1485
01:55:08,000 --> 01:55:12,010
After a long struggle,
Hell has defeated God.
1486
01:55:12,170 --> 01:55:16,510
So instead of being
sent by God to do good,
1487
01:55:16,760 --> 01:55:22,270
I am merely Belzebuth's
harbinger of evil und revenge!
1488
01:55:22,560 --> 01:55:26,690
I will have you know
that God is powerless now,
1489
01:55:26,900 --> 01:55:31,610
and nothing can stand
against the will of Hell!
1490
01:55:32,030 --> 01:55:36,450
My plan has been
to bring terror to this land,
1491
01:55:36,700 --> 01:55:37,950
and I have succeeded,
1492
01:55:38,070 --> 01:55:41,580
by using the locals'
superstition und cowardice
1493
01:55:41,740 --> 01:55:43,580
und killing a few!
1494
01:55:43,580 --> 01:55:47,420
I have succeeded, I am master of this land!
1495
01:55:47,920 --> 01:55:51,630
I direct the fates of all,
1496
01:55:51,880 --> 01:55:55,090
I, the envoy of Belzebuth!
1497
01:55:55,470 --> 01:55:58,090
I, the archangel of evil,
1498
01:55:58,090 --> 01:56:03,640
I, the great maestro of
murder und terror und revenge!
1499
01:56:03,810 --> 01:56:07,310
I, who want to set mankind straight,
1500
01:56:07,600 --> 01:56:12,690
guiding it to a new religion,
that of Belzebuth!
1501
01:56:47,060 --> 01:56:51,600
Bel-ze-buth!
1502
01:57:08,120 --> 01:57:10,370
Oh my, what am I doing here?
1503
01:57:10,710 --> 01:57:13,250
You have been
hypnotised by this bastard!
1504
01:57:20,720 --> 01:57:22,300
The priest!
1505
01:57:22,470 --> 01:57:24,350
Rest in peace, Father.
1506
01:57:30,190 --> 01:57:34,360
How will you answer
on Judgment Day for killing a poor priest?
1507
01:57:34,520 --> 01:57:36,780
I take all responsibility for eternity
1508
01:57:36,900 --> 01:57:42,030
for killing one who killed
so many of his peers!
1509
01:57:42,200 --> 01:57:48,040
I saved the soul of Ermina of Kollovrat
whom I love beyond words,
1510
01:57:48,290 --> 01:57:50,620
and I saved her great fortune!
1511
01:57:51,750 --> 01:57:54,420
I love you, Mister Cociu!
1512
01:58:17,190 --> 01:58:18,360
OK!
1513
01:58:18,530 --> 01:58:21,780
That idiot Cociu
looks an awful lot like me.
1514
01:58:21,950 --> 01:58:23,950
But it was a bit heteronormative.
1515
01:58:24,110 --> 01:58:28,580
What about some
lesbo cunt-biting vampiresses?
1516
01:58:28,910 --> 01:58:32,830
I lack the necessary upgrade.
I was built for the Eastern Europe market.
1517
01:58:32,960 --> 01:58:35,420
OK, but you could have put in
1518
01:58:35,420 --> 01:58:39,590
Romanian Fascists,
anti-Semites, Nae Ionescu...
1519
01:58:40,000 --> 01:58:43,970
- Trump and Elon would be angry.
- Fine then.
1520
01:58:44,760 --> 01:58:47,350
Now, back to my story.
1521
01:58:49,640 --> 01:58:51,770
- Look!
- The fuckers!
1522
01:58:52,100 --> 01:58:54,060
Kill him!
1523
01:59:15,460 --> 01:59:17,830
Uncle Sandu, Vampira, wait!
1524
01:59:22,550 --> 01:59:24,010
I will do it.
1525
01:59:24,220 --> 01:59:27,340
Ich will, as that fucking
Rammstein rapist says.
1526
01:59:32,680 --> 01:59:34,680
Fuck you, vampire!
1527
01:59:34,680 --> 01:59:36,600
I'll fucking kill you!
1528
01:59:37,020 --> 01:59:39,520
Sounds like they want
to kill you for real.
1529
01:59:42,360 --> 01:59:43,650
Apparently.
1530
01:59:44,240 --> 01:59:47,990
The bastards.
Acting all Christian and pious.
1531
01:59:48,700 --> 01:59:50,410
Not the Japanese guy, I mean the rest.
1532
01:59:59,040 --> 02:00:02,090
There's this joke about two tourists
1533
02:00:02,880 --> 02:00:04,840
meeting a bear in the forest.
1534
02:00:05,340 --> 02:00:07,840
One puts on his running shoes,
1535
02:00:08,090 --> 02:00:12,470
the other asks if he really
thinks he can outrun the bear.
1536
02:00:13,640 --> 02:00:18,020
"No," the guy answers,
"I only need to outrun you!"
1537
02:00:19,770 --> 02:00:20,940
Funny.
1538
02:00:27,280 --> 02:00:29,410
We'll catch him soon, love.
1539
02:00:29,530 --> 02:00:32,160
Didn't you want to
stake him through the heart?
1540
02:00:32,280 --> 02:00:34,740
- I'm too tired!
- I'll pass out!
1541
02:00:34,910 --> 02:00:37,410
Then we'll take you
to the hotel and come back.
1542
02:00:37,540 --> 02:00:39,960
- I'm scared.
- Scared of what?
1543
02:00:39,960 --> 02:00:41,500
The vampire.
1544
02:00:41,670 --> 02:00:45,420
- Then let's butcher the bastard!
- I can't run anymore!
1545
02:00:45,710 --> 02:00:48,800
I'm dead tired, can't we do it tomorrow?
1546
02:00:49,010 --> 02:00:53,470
By tomorrow he'll escape.
Let's go!
1547
02:00:56,350 --> 02:00:58,270
Let's kill the vampire.
1548
02:01:01,560 --> 02:01:03,060
What's this?
1549
02:01:03,770 --> 02:01:05,270
Where did it come from?
1550
02:01:05,900 --> 02:01:07,940
It was a scam.
1551
02:01:08,990 --> 02:01:10,030
I'll show you.
1552
02:01:11,610 --> 02:01:15,450
A B&B under construction
and a non-functional webpage
1553
02:01:15,700 --> 02:01:20,460
are all that's left of Dracula Park,
a mammoth 30-million-dollar project.
1554
02:01:20,670 --> 02:01:23,500
begun by the Romanian government in 2001.
1555
02:01:23,840 --> 02:01:27,920
It was meant to be Romania's
most spectacular entertainment facility.
1556
02:01:28,130 --> 02:01:32,340
Over 13 000 Romanians still
don't know where their money went
1557
02:01:32,340 --> 02:01:35,050
after they bought
Dracula Park shares in 2001.
1558
02:01:35,220 --> 02:01:38,680
I was at the Berlin Travel Fair and stuff.
1559
02:01:38,850 --> 02:01:40,100
When?
1560
02:01:40,390 --> 02:01:42,350
The Berlin Travel Fair?
1561
02:01:42,520 --> 02:01:44,060
A few years ago.
1562
02:01:44,770 --> 02:01:49,940
I was there when the government
presented this Dracula Park scam.
1563
02:01:50,820 --> 02:01:52,990
People bought shares,
1564
02:01:53,450 --> 02:01:57,040
then, surprise, it didn't get built
and they didn't get their money back.
1565
02:01:57,410 --> 02:02:00,160
They got ass-fucked and robbed too.
1566
02:02:02,460 --> 02:02:04,380
So how was the launch?
1567
02:02:04,750 --> 02:02:06,250
No big deal.
1568
02:02:06,420 --> 02:02:09,380
We waited in coffins,
me and a lecherous old actor.
1569
02:02:09,550 --> 02:02:11,260
- Kind of like you.
- Stop it!
1570
02:02:11,380 --> 02:02:15,640
From time to time,
we jumped out and yelled at people:
1571
02:02:15,800 --> 02:02:18,220
"Invest in Dracula Park!"
1572
02:02:20,560 --> 02:02:23,980
In Berlin, though, we screwed up big time.
1573
02:02:24,440 --> 02:02:28,150
They wanted a banner
reading "Dracula's Capital City"
1574
02:02:28,520 --> 02:02:30,860
and they wrote "Das Kapital",
1575
02:02:31,030 --> 02:02:33,780
like Marx's Capital.
1576
02:02:35,870 --> 02:02:37,330
It works, though.
1577
02:02:37,450 --> 02:02:39,410
You know what Marx said?
1578
02:02:40,330 --> 02:02:43,250
"Capital is dead labour
1579
02:02:43,460 --> 02:02:48,250
which, vampire-like,
lives only by sucking living labour,
1580
02:02:48,420 --> 02:02:51,300
and lives the more,
the more labour it sucks."
1581
02:02:51,590 --> 02:02:53,050
Kind of like me.
1582
02:02:54,340 --> 02:02:57,430
I don't want this
capitalist = vampire cliché
1583
02:02:57,600 --> 02:03:01,180
to get waved around by
spectators, particularly intellectuals,
1584
02:03:01,390 --> 02:03:05,390
who think if they've read
some Marx and Franco Moretti
1585
02:03:05,560 --> 02:03:09,770
they're qualified to tout
those ideas like they invented them.
1586
02:03:10,020 --> 02:03:13,240
Like the one about Frankenstein's monster
1587
02:03:13,360 --> 02:03:16,570
being the working class
created by the bourgeoisie.
1588
02:03:17,370 --> 02:03:20,830
So let's create a cool digression
1589
02:03:20,990 --> 02:03:24,790
about Dracula, the greedy capitalist.
1590
02:03:35,130 --> 02:03:36,550
This was a train carriage factory.
1591
02:03:37,970 --> 02:03:39,140
It went bankrupt.
1592
02:03:39,640 --> 02:03:43,770
In 1933, there was a famous strike here.
1593
02:03:44,140 --> 02:03:45,730
The police shot at strikers.
1594
02:03:46,640 --> 02:03:50,770
- By orders from the Liberal government.
- Good! Lazy bastards!
1595
02:03:50,940 --> 02:03:52,150
I think so too.
1596
02:03:52,480 --> 02:03:54,940
It seems the strike
was backed by the USSR.
1597
02:03:55,110 --> 02:03:56,820
More the reason to!
1598
02:03:57,740 --> 02:04:01,580
The company I'm selling
deals in video games.
1599
02:04:01,700 --> 02:04:03,790
You know, the whole Grail madness.
1600
02:04:03,950 --> 02:04:05,450
No, I don't.
1601
02:04:05,750 --> 02:04:07,330
This international game,
1602
02:04:07,330 --> 02:04:09,960
you spend a lot of time
online looking for the Grail
1603
02:04:10,080 --> 02:04:13,630
and you get loot, like swords and stuff.
1604
02:04:14,380 --> 02:04:19,840
Our company sells
online time and gained tokens.
1605
02:04:20,180 --> 02:04:23,060
And the finder of The Grail
will get 100 million.
1606
02:04:23,180 --> 02:04:24,720
Dollars, not lei.
1607
02:04:26,430 --> 02:04:28,900
I still don't get what you do.
1608
02:04:29,060 --> 02:04:34,900
Say an American wants
to get to level 2 in the game.
1609
02:04:35,150 --> 02:04:38,700
Even two months of game time
might not be enough.
1610
02:04:39,200 --> 02:04:44,370
An employee plays,
then we sell the account to the American.
1611
02:04:44,540 --> 02:04:48,370
So he can start directly from
level 2 or 3, the max being 100.
1612
02:04:49,710 --> 02:04:52,750
- So you pay them to play!
- Exactly.
1613
02:04:52,960 --> 02:04:56,550
It's exasperating,
they just play, and they're not happy!
1614
02:04:57,130 --> 02:04:58,340
Lazy asses.
1615
02:04:58,470 --> 02:04:59,800
May I ask something?
1616
02:05:01,260 --> 02:05:05,140
The famous striker in 1933
who rang the alarm siren,
1617
02:05:05,260 --> 02:05:10,520
did he grab the siren
by the tail or by the tits?
1618
02:05:10,770 --> 02:05:12,150
Ha-ha, funny.
1619
02:05:12,150 --> 02:05:15,150
I'll teach those employees what's what!
1620
02:05:15,320 --> 02:05:17,070
I'll show them stimulation!
1621
02:05:20,150 --> 02:05:22,070
I want to demonstrate
1622
02:05:22,450 --> 02:05:26,580
that this Romanian DNA
is not set in stone,
1623
02:05:27,500 --> 02:05:28,750
it can be changed.
1624
02:05:29,410 --> 02:05:33,080
We know our Romanian habits.
I want to change you.
1625
02:05:33,830 --> 02:05:35,090
For the better!
1626
02:05:35,500 --> 02:05:37,840
We do overtime today
1627
02:05:38,050 --> 02:05:42,390
not just to optimise
the company profits,
1628
02:05:42,890 --> 02:05:45,550
but also to become better people,
1629
02:05:46,430 --> 02:05:47,720
stronger,
1630
02:05:48,100 --> 02:05:49,640
through work.
1631
02:05:50,560 --> 02:05:52,900
Per aspera ad astra!
1632
02:05:55,150 --> 02:05:58,360
Marshall Antonescu used to say,
1633
02:06:00,570 --> 02:06:01,860
with sadness...
1634
02:06:06,620 --> 02:06:08,160
With sadness he said:
1635
02:06:09,540 --> 02:06:13,210
"Everyone steals!
A country of thieves."
1636
02:06:15,170 --> 02:06:16,340
He said:
1637
02:06:16,460 --> 02:06:23,180
"What terrible state of disarray
in our School, our Family, our Church."
1638
02:06:27,140 --> 02:06:28,720
Dear employees,
1639
02:06:29,220 --> 02:06:31,310
I would like to know you better.
1640
02:06:31,520 --> 02:06:35,190
I have a book here,
De Humana Physiognomia,
1641
02:06:35,480 --> 02:06:39,900
by Giambatista Della Porta,
published in 1586.
1642
02:06:40,070 --> 02:06:46,160
This original edition belonged
to my friend Umberto Eco.
1643
02:06:47,070 --> 02:06:50,080
Giambatista Della Porta discovered
1644
02:06:50,330 --> 02:06:55,920
that people have the same character
as the animals they resemble.
1645
02:06:57,500 --> 02:06:59,090
Where's the robot?
1646
02:06:59,500 --> 02:07:01,050
Get over here!
1647
02:07:02,010 --> 02:07:06,180
Stand here and project
these pictures onto the wall.
1648
02:07:06,550 --> 02:07:09,890
Let's take the brown-looking
young man there.
1649
02:07:10,100 --> 02:07:11,350
Young man.
1650
02:07:11,520 --> 02:07:12,980
Vasile.
1651
02:07:13,270 --> 02:07:15,940
See, Vasile looks like...
1652
02:07:18,230 --> 02:07:19,230
This one!
1653
02:07:23,570 --> 02:07:26,660
I don't look like that donkey!
1654
02:07:26,990 --> 02:07:29,530
Quite true. He looks more like this one.
1655
02:07:36,000 --> 02:07:38,040
What's your name, Headscarf Girl?
1656
02:07:38,210 --> 02:07:39,090
Ana.
1657
02:07:39,590 --> 02:07:42,300
Ana, you look like...
1658
02:07:42,800 --> 02:07:44,090
This one!
1659
02:07:48,890 --> 02:07:51,260
- Not at all.
- You don't like it?
1660
02:07:51,390 --> 02:07:53,220
I just don't look like it.
1661
02:07:53,680 --> 02:07:57,310
Let's ask the AI, since we have it.
1662
02:07:57,810 --> 02:08:00,150
Which one does she look like?
1663
02:08:00,690 --> 02:08:02,650
A kitty-kitty-cat!
1664
02:08:02,820 --> 02:08:04,690
A kittycat!
1665
02:08:04,690 --> 02:08:06,450
A cat, maybe.
1666
02:08:08,110 --> 02:08:11,450
- What do we do with kittycats?
- Declaw them!
1667
02:08:11,450 --> 02:08:13,240
We declaw them!
1668
02:08:13,410 --> 02:08:18,580
Enough fun, back to work!
Time is money!
1669
02:08:26,720 --> 02:08:29,340
You get paid too much for what you do.
1670
02:08:29,510 --> 02:08:31,220
The robot says so.
1671
02:08:31,430 --> 02:08:32,640
Indeed!
1672
02:08:33,060 --> 02:08:35,980
I'm sorry, I try as hard as I can.
1673
02:08:36,140 --> 02:08:38,560
Don't worry, my dear.
1674
02:08:38,730 --> 02:08:41,020
I appreciate the effort.
1675
02:08:41,230 --> 02:08:44,940
I can accept stupidity,
but not insolence.
1676
02:08:45,990 --> 02:08:49,200
So said my uncle, Mircea the Elder,
1677
02:08:49,360 --> 02:08:53,580
to my brother, Radu the Handsome,
before bedtime.
1678
02:08:53,990 --> 02:08:56,540
But is it fair to your coworkers?
1679
02:09:11,430 --> 02:09:14,350
So you speak good Romanian?
How did you learn it?
1680
02:09:14,720 --> 02:09:16,890
I was born here.
1681
02:09:17,140 --> 02:09:20,900
My father came to Romania as a teenager.
1682
02:09:21,150 --> 02:09:23,770
He was a Vietnam war refugee.
1683
02:09:23,980 --> 02:09:25,610
Meaning?
1684
02:09:26,400 --> 02:09:29,360
Back then, Romania helped Vietnam.
1685
02:09:29,610 --> 02:09:31,070
It brought...
1686
02:09:31,860 --> 02:09:33,780
many children over.
1687
02:09:33,950 --> 02:09:36,330
Most of them war orphans.
1688
02:09:36,740 --> 02:09:38,830
The majority went back.
1689
02:09:43,290 --> 02:09:44,960
He is my father.
1690
02:09:45,590 --> 02:09:49,630
Yes, I've heard Romania
sided with the Communists.
1691
02:09:49,800 --> 02:09:51,090
Grotesque!
1692
02:09:51,260 --> 02:09:55,470
But even the Americans admit
it was a stupid, useless war.
1693
02:09:55,720 --> 02:09:57,390
With mass murders.
1694
02:09:57,770 --> 02:10:00,770
- Like My Lai.
- What about My Lai?
1695
02:10:02,690 --> 02:10:05,020
Back to work! Viet-Cong!
1696
02:10:05,310 --> 02:10:07,440
Or I whip out my AKM!
1697
02:10:07,690 --> 02:10:09,190
Move it.
1698
02:10:09,440 --> 02:10:12,610
As we go marching on,
1699
02:10:12,910 --> 02:10:17,450
While we're fighting in the jungles
they were marching in the street,
1700
02:10:18,370 --> 02:10:22,790
While we're dying in the rice fields
they were helping our defeat,
1701
02:10:23,540 --> 02:10:28,460
While we're facing V.C. bullets
they were sounding our retreat,
1702
02:10:28,920 --> 02:10:32,170
As we go marching on.
1703
02:10:35,300 --> 02:10:36,970
Ho! Chi Minh!
1704
02:10:43,270 --> 02:10:45,770
What are you doing in my country,
you pagan?
1705
02:10:45,770 --> 02:10:47,520
You fucking gook!
1706
02:10:47,650 --> 02:10:49,650
I have a Romanian ID!
1707
02:10:50,190 --> 02:10:53,900
I told you, my dad -
but I'll leave if you want!
1708
02:10:54,070 --> 02:10:55,030
I swear!
1709
02:10:55,030 --> 02:10:57,950
You guys are ruining
Christian civilisation!
1710
02:10:58,410 --> 02:10:59,870
Not us, Mr. Vlad!
1711
02:10:59,990 --> 02:11:04,370
It's the Muslims!
We try to fix things!
1712
02:11:04,620 --> 02:11:07,290
The Chinese are destroying the Uyghur.
1713
02:11:07,420 --> 02:11:08,840
- Uy-what?
- Uyghurs!
1714
02:11:09,000 --> 02:11:12,800
- Whose Uyghurs!
- Myanmar Buddhists massacre the Muslim.
1715
02:11:12,970 --> 02:11:14,050
The Rohingya!
1716
02:11:14,220 --> 02:11:17,090
We're friends of Christian Orthodoxy!
1717
02:11:50,750 --> 02:11:52,460
That'll fucking teach them!
1718
02:11:59,510 --> 02:12:01,850
Each day starting today,
1719
02:12:02,010 --> 02:12:05,980
you will do four hours
of overtime, at 50% pay.
1720
02:12:06,730 --> 02:12:09,440
- What?
- You can't do that!
1721
02:12:10,270 --> 02:12:13,070
- What's wrong?
- We're very tired!
1722
02:12:13,190 --> 02:12:17,700
Great! It's proof
of your effort and hard work.
1723
02:12:17,990 --> 02:12:22,370
Although you, kitty,
just play around with a mouse.
1724
02:12:22,370 --> 02:12:26,080
But the quality of our work drops.
This is work, not play!
1725
02:12:26,250 --> 02:12:30,250
It's only play for the stupid
Americans who buy our passwords!
1726
02:12:30,420 --> 02:12:32,960
Oh my, a union firebrand!
1727
02:12:33,130 --> 02:12:36,380
- Actually, we'll unionise!
- Yes!
1728
02:12:36,670 --> 02:12:39,390
Can't you see the gift I'm offering?
1729
02:12:39,590 --> 02:12:41,850
I bring the capital and the ideas,
1730
02:12:42,140 --> 02:12:44,140
you bring the labour!
1731
02:12:44,350 --> 02:12:45,520
Right!
1732
02:12:45,720 --> 02:12:48,560
You can come up with ideas of your own.
1733
02:12:48,730 --> 02:12:52,230
Me, I have thousands
of business ideas a day.
1734
02:12:52,360 --> 02:12:54,980
Here's one, for free:
1735
02:12:55,280 --> 02:12:56,490
Octopus!
1736
02:12:58,280 --> 02:13:01,910
Don't stare like
a retard seeing her first cock!
1737
02:13:02,830 --> 02:13:04,240
Octopus!
1738
02:13:04,490 --> 02:13:08,250
Octopus is a gourmet item.
1739
02:13:08,410 --> 02:13:11,040
It sells for heaps of money.
1740
02:13:11,210 --> 02:13:14,630
Set up aquariums at home, grow octopi.
1741
02:13:16,710 --> 02:13:21,840
If you don't know how to grow octopi,
you search online.
1742
02:13:22,090 --> 02:13:25,810
If you're too stupid
to get the instructions,
1743
02:13:25,970 --> 02:13:28,810
you come to me and I'll explain.
1744
02:13:29,100 --> 02:13:30,690
1000 euros a month!
1745
02:13:30,810 --> 02:13:34,060
- I'll do it!
- Good for you!
1746
02:13:34,900 --> 02:13:37,780
Good, let him raise octopi!
1747
02:13:37,940 --> 02:13:42,110
You'll make at least 1000 euros a month!
1748
02:13:42,870 --> 02:13:45,280
If you don't get ideas like that,
1749
02:13:45,280 --> 02:13:49,960
be good kids and
play video games for others.
1750
02:13:50,290 --> 02:13:53,540
We're in direct
competition with the Chinese!
1751
02:13:53,830 --> 02:13:56,420
Sure, they have the population,
1752
02:13:56,590 --> 02:13:59,550
but we can prove we have the destiny!
1753
02:13:59,720 --> 02:14:00,920
True!
1754
02:14:04,050 --> 02:14:05,100
Yes, what?
1755
02:14:06,720 --> 02:14:08,560
We have something to say.
1756
02:14:08,720 --> 02:14:11,600
Our revendications are there.
1757
02:14:11,850 --> 02:14:14,150
We haven't been paid in so long!
1758
02:14:15,400 --> 02:14:18,570
And we won't do all that unpaid overtime!
1759
02:14:18,690 --> 02:14:21,240
Yes! We won't work for free!
1760
02:14:22,740 --> 02:14:25,530
I trust you know what's best for you
1761
02:14:26,070 --> 02:14:29,200
and will quit this nonsense.
1762
02:14:31,620 --> 02:14:34,290
- Get working!
- More work, less begging!
1763
02:14:34,420 --> 02:14:37,590
More work, less begging!
1764
02:14:38,750 --> 02:14:40,800
But we haven't been paid!
1765
02:14:41,590 --> 02:14:45,340
We occupy this place
and refuse to work or leave!
1766
02:14:45,510 --> 02:14:49,140
- What if Mr. Vlad gets angry?
- What can he do to us?
1767
02:14:49,310 --> 02:14:51,980
Massage our cocks, that's what!
1768
02:14:52,230 --> 02:14:54,810
He can't do a thing if we're united.
1769
02:14:54,810 --> 02:14:56,770
He could call the police.
1770
02:14:56,940 --> 02:15:00,230
This isn't Ceaușescu's times,
Grandpa, we have rights!
1771
02:15:00,400 --> 02:15:03,200
Don't let him intimidate us!
1772
02:15:03,320 --> 02:15:06,110
He's a monster!
But we'll beat him!
1773
02:15:06,280 --> 02:15:09,160
If we're united, it's OK!
1774
02:15:09,870 --> 02:15:11,660
We'll cream him!
1775
02:15:21,340 --> 02:15:24,590
What's up, Zzz Generation?
1776
02:15:26,010 --> 02:15:27,720
Feel like striking?
1777
02:15:28,050 --> 02:15:30,680
Striking like it's 1933?
1778
02:15:30,970 --> 02:15:33,770
The world's changed, suckers!
1779
02:15:33,930 --> 02:15:35,730
We just want our rights.
1780
02:15:36,060 --> 02:15:39,060
Arbeit macht frei!
1781
02:15:43,030 --> 02:15:46,070
Here's my ultimatum, you have until 12!
1782
02:15:47,780 --> 02:15:50,240
Or I move on to the crackdown!
1783
02:15:51,160 --> 02:15:56,120
From this day on,
our company motto is:
1784
02:15:58,290 --> 02:16:00,710
Nihil sine Deo!
1785
02:16:01,420 --> 02:16:06,630
If Christ had died on the electric chair,
we'd all be wearing one!
1786
02:16:08,050 --> 02:16:10,430
- I like you.
- You don't say.
1787
02:16:10,550 --> 02:16:12,220
You're smart.
1788
02:16:12,350 --> 02:16:14,220
I have a gift idea for you:
1789
02:16:14,390 --> 02:16:18,600
A knit sweater with Marx's face
1790
02:16:19,150 --> 02:16:20,310
and the text:
1791
02:16:20,560 --> 02:16:24,280
"All I want for Christmas
is the means of production!"
1792
02:16:24,480 --> 02:16:25,610
A capitalist gift!
1793
02:16:25,900 --> 02:16:29,740
Ten seconds left!
Then it's crackdown time!
1794
02:16:30,320 --> 02:16:33,370
- Eins!
- Eins, zwei, drei, vier...
1795
02:16:37,250 --> 02:16:38,330
E.T.!
1796
02:16:39,120 --> 02:16:40,630
Suck my cock!
1797
02:16:40,830 --> 02:16:43,880
We're not leaving! You leave!
1798
02:16:44,460 --> 02:16:48,760
You'll crawl before me, yelling
1799
02:16:49,430 --> 02:16:51,260
"Forgive us, Mr. Vlad!"
1800
02:16:51,390 --> 02:16:54,140
Sod off with your fucking vampire fangs!
1801
02:16:54,470 --> 02:16:56,850
Blow me with your fucking cunt mouth!
1802
02:17:03,520 --> 02:17:06,940
Get back to your places!
1803
02:17:20,620 --> 02:17:23,290
- Come with me!
- What's he saying?
1804
02:17:27,550 --> 02:17:28,760
What the...?
1805
02:17:29,130 --> 02:17:31,260
I'm scared.
1806
02:17:32,220 --> 02:17:33,850
Mehr Licht!
1807
02:17:34,100 --> 02:17:36,680
What's that, a tetradrachm?
1808
02:17:36,850 --> 02:17:38,680
Get a cross, quick!
1809
02:17:38,890 --> 02:17:41,310
He's holding one! Mr. Vlad is!
1810
02:17:41,900 --> 02:17:45,070
Dracula!
Let's call him by his name!
1811
02:17:45,400 --> 02:17:48,690
The vampire! Nosferatu!
Satan, holding a cross!
1812
02:17:48,940 --> 02:17:52,660
Mehr Licht!
Yes, my children!
1813
02:17:52,950 --> 02:17:56,120
That's right! Rise!
1814
02:17:58,830 --> 02:18:00,750
Mehr Licht!
1815
02:18:01,080 --> 02:18:03,790
Come, my soldiers!
1816
02:18:04,080 --> 02:18:06,090
Yes, little ones!
1817
02:18:06,210 --> 02:18:07,960
Come to me!
1818
02:18:09,920 --> 02:18:11,800
- Zombies!
- Ghosts!
1819
02:18:11,800 --> 02:18:15,680
Of the soldiers who
shot at strikers in 1933!
1820
02:18:15,800 --> 02:18:17,010
What strikers?
1821
02:18:17,140 --> 02:18:21,060
The strike was drowned in blood.
This place is cursed.
1822
02:18:21,310 --> 02:18:24,190
They're back to shoot us again.
1823
02:18:24,400 --> 02:18:25,730
Weren't they Bolsheviks?
1824
02:18:40,790 --> 02:18:42,370
Suck it, Dracula!
1825
02:18:55,180 --> 02:18:59,010
The end will be long, but beautiful!
1826
02:19:17,370 --> 02:19:18,580
No!
1827
02:19:34,050 --> 02:19:36,300
Get over here!
1828
02:19:47,900 --> 02:19:49,400
Help!
1829
02:19:51,020 --> 02:19:53,280
Capitalist murderers!
1830
02:19:53,400 --> 02:19:55,110
Vampires!
1831
02:19:58,160 --> 02:20:00,990
Fucking vampires!
1832
02:20:01,160 --> 02:20:03,080
Fuck your kind!
1833
02:20:16,010 --> 02:20:17,630
Oh, fuck.
1834
02:20:36,860 --> 02:20:40,410
Where are you, union cat?
1835
02:20:41,490 --> 02:20:43,120
Here, kitty, kitty!
1836
02:20:44,740 --> 02:20:46,410
I'm out of here!
1837
02:20:50,830 --> 02:20:53,340
This is the end...
1838
02:20:55,760 --> 02:20:57,880
Eat my cock!
1839
02:21:06,680 --> 02:21:11,150
I hope the audience has noticed,
though our title is Dracula,
1840
02:21:11,310 --> 02:21:16,440
it's built more like
Frankenstein's monster.
1841
02:21:16,690 --> 02:21:18,240
Pieced together.
1842
02:21:18,700 --> 02:21:22,620
I wanted to call it Frankenstein,
but I changed my mind.
1843
02:21:22,870 --> 02:21:24,990
Good. That's confusing.
1844
02:21:24,990 --> 02:21:27,540
I still regret it. It was more subtle.
1845
02:21:52,730 --> 02:21:54,810
- Sandu, my boy!
- Hello, Ma'am.
1846
02:21:54,940 --> 02:21:57,650
Were those stinking
Confederates after you?
1847
02:21:57,980 --> 02:22:01,450
- Yes. Where are they?
- Everywhere.
1848
02:22:05,030 --> 02:22:07,910
Can you hide us for a few hours?
1849
02:22:08,580 --> 02:22:09,750
I don't know...
1850
02:22:09,960 --> 02:22:12,290
My own plum brandy, good stuff.
1851
02:22:12,960 --> 02:22:14,830
Pure medicine!
1852
02:22:15,670 --> 02:22:17,130
Isn't that right, Zamolxis?
1853
02:22:19,510 --> 02:22:20,630
So good!
1854
02:22:20,800 --> 02:22:23,840
Like the herbal cordials
they make in monasteries.
1855
02:22:24,470 --> 02:22:25,510
Cheers!
1856
02:22:26,260 --> 02:22:29,430
Bottoms up, get ready for cock!
1857
02:22:33,520 --> 02:22:35,360
No one will find you here.
1858
02:22:35,520 --> 02:22:38,150
I'll make you some warm cheese and cream.
1859
02:22:50,580 --> 02:22:51,960
Voici!
1860
02:22:52,410 --> 02:22:54,710
I should be the one who
kills him with the hammer.
1861
02:22:54,870 --> 02:22:56,670
We discussed it before.
1862
02:22:56,920 --> 02:22:59,550
Me and my wife should be
the ones to kill him.
1863
02:22:59,670 --> 02:23:01,420
Just like the Nosferatu in 1979,
1864
02:23:01,630 --> 02:23:05,140
the Werner Herzog version,
with Kinski and Adjani.
1865
02:23:05,890 --> 02:23:09,260
I know you want to see
if the two make it out alive,
1866
02:23:09,430 --> 02:23:13,060
but first, one more quick digression!
1867
02:23:13,270 --> 02:23:15,900
Like in Diderot's Jacques the Fatalist.
1868
02:23:16,560 --> 02:23:18,650
Dear Artificial Intelligence,
1869
02:23:18,820 --> 02:23:22,030
our audience, perhaps
fed up with all the vampires,
1870
02:23:22,240 --> 02:23:27,820
murders, Satanist priests, stakes,
might want another love story.
1871
02:23:28,070 --> 02:23:33,000
13. The Tale of All Tales
1872
02:23:34,660 --> 02:23:37,330
Once upon a time,
a peasant lived in a village.
1873
02:23:37,500 --> 02:23:41,960
One day, he went to sow his maize.
1874
02:23:42,130 --> 02:23:48,350
Christ and Saint Peter
happened to pass by.
1875
02:23:48,470 --> 02:23:52,390
You think Christ could
keep quiet and go on his way?
1876
02:23:53,020 --> 02:23:54,680
What are you sowing, good man?
1877
02:23:54,850 --> 02:23:56,390
Cocks, since you ask!
1878
02:23:56,560 --> 02:23:59,650
Cocks you say, cocks you shall reap!
1879
02:24:04,150 --> 02:24:07,530
At harvest time, instead of maize,
1880
02:24:07,700 --> 02:24:11,080
each stalk grew three or four cocks,
1881
02:24:11,700 --> 02:24:15,500
one perkier and prouder than the other!
1882
02:24:15,750 --> 02:24:17,290
Well damn!
1883
02:24:17,670 --> 02:24:20,500
There goes my summer-long hard work!
1884
02:24:20,840 --> 02:24:23,670
Never have I seen such things!
1885
02:24:23,800 --> 02:24:26,220
Fuck this in the gut!
1886
02:24:26,550 --> 02:24:28,840
Now what to do?
1887
02:24:29,340 --> 02:24:33,260
Some fucking blessing that guy gave me!
1888
02:24:39,520 --> 02:24:41,650
Good day, good man!
1889
02:24:41,980 --> 02:24:45,280
Fuck the good day
and the horse it rode in on!
1890
02:24:46,110 --> 02:24:49,780
Why are you so foul-mouthed, man?
1891
02:24:50,070 --> 02:24:53,950
In front of an old woman like me, no less!
1892
02:24:53,950 --> 02:24:58,620
Can't you see, Auntie,
how God mocked my hard work?
1893
02:24:59,040 --> 02:25:01,830
How will a harvest of cocks
help my poverty?
1894
02:25:01,840 --> 02:25:05,260
Look at this field,
what do you make of it?
1895
02:25:05,800 --> 02:25:09,930
My goodness me, dear boy!
1896
02:25:10,550 --> 02:25:14,430
- That's one thing I've never seen.
- I wish it was only one, Auntie!
1897
02:25:14,680 --> 02:25:19,270
But there are thousands of them,
fuck them a thousand times!
1898
02:25:19,560 --> 02:25:21,520
I could hang myself!
1899
02:25:22,230 --> 02:25:25,780
One cock stiffer than the other
as far as the eye can see!
1900
02:25:26,150 --> 02:25:28,360
Take heart, my boy!
1901
02:25:28,530 --> 02:25:34,660
How do you know this isn't
a stroke of luck from God?
1902
02:25:34,780 --> 02:25:38,160
I wouldn't wish this luck on my enemies!
1903
02:25:38,290 --> 02:25:43,380
Who's ever heard of this?
Eating cocks instead of maize!
1904
02:25:43,500 --> 02:25:48,590
My boy, I could teach you
how to get rid of them.
1905
02:25:48,800 --> 02:25:53,550
And earn a hundred times
more than you would from maize.
1906
02:25:53,850 --> 02:25:56,390
- What would you give for it?
- Ask your price, Auntie.
1907
02:25:56,760 --> 02:26:00,560
I'll give you what you ask
and a bundle of cocks on top of it.
1908
02:26:00,850 --> 02:26:05,520
Put them in your wagon
and take them to the market.
1909
02:26:05,820 --> 02:26:08,280
They'll sell like hot cakes!
1910
02:26:08,440 --> 02:26:13,950
But now I must put
decency aside and teach you
1911
02:26:14,240 --> 02:26:17,830
what your buyers need to do to use them.
1912
02:26:17,990 --> 02:26:21,080
Do tell me, Auntie, please!
1913
02:26:21,370 --> 02:26:24,130
When they feel like some cock,
1914
02:26:24,580 --> 02:26:28,420
they should whistle like shepherds do.
1915
02:26:36,640 --> 02:26:40,680
Then they'd better hope
their ass can take it!
1916
02:26:43,730 --> 02:26:44,850
Oh my!
1917
02:26:47,980 --> 02:26:50,900
And once they've had enough,
they should say:
1918
02:26:50,900 --> 02:26:55,990
"Whoa there, you hungry beast!"
1919
02:26:56,280 --> 02:27:01,080
Then it goes limp
and you're done with it.
1920
02:27:09,920 --> 02:27:12,130
Ándale!
1921
02:27:12,470 --> 02:27:14,680
Ándale, arriba!
1922
02:27:14,840 --> 02:27:17,640
Where did you learn this craft, Auntie?
1923
02:27:17,760 --> 02:27:20,010
Don't you worry, boy,
1924
02:27:20,390 --> 02:27:23,480
where the devil gathers sawdust,
1925
02:27:23,810 --> 02:27:25,770
I once sawed timber!
1926
02:27:25,940 --> 02:27:31,860
So don't ask!
Just be thankful.
1927
02:27:33,440 --> 02:27:36,320
Come get your cocks!
1928
02:27:36,450 --> 02:27:40,540
Sturdy, hard cocks,
they please ladies in flocks!
1929
02:27:41,080 --> 02:27:44,000
Come get your cocks!
1930
02:27:45,160 --> 02:27:50,670
Vile peasant, you dare speak
such filth before a poor widow?
1931
02:27:51,210 --> 02:27:55,260
I'll have you beaten until
they have to carry you home in a blanket!
1932
02:27:55,380 --> 02:27:59,680
Merciful lady,
I beg your noble forgiveness!
1933
02:27:59,890 --> 02:28:03,730
Since God gave me a harvest of cocks,
1934
02:28:03,890 --> 02:28:08,860
here I am trying to sell them,
for I am so poor and needy!
1935
02:28:09,060 --> 02:28:12,940
Are you insane?
How can you speak such nonsense?
1936
02:28:12,940 --> 02:28:16,950
God forbid, Your Ladyship,
I speak in truth.
1937
02:28:17,070 --> 02:28:19,490
Try this one if you won't believe me.
1938
02:28:19,780 --> 02:28:24,450
Fuck their maker sideways,
they're getting me in trouble!
1939
02:28:24,620 --> 02:28:27,410
If they were female or
I was the backwards kind,
1940
02:28:27,420 --> 02:28:29,630
at least I'd keep them for myself!
1941
02:28:30,080 --> 02:28:32,500
Is this any joking matter, Your Ladyship?
1942
02:28:32,960 --> 02:28:35,630
After I worked the land all summer long,
1943
02:28:35,760 --> 02:28:39,760
as if it wasn't enough,
now I get threatened with a beating!
1944
02:28:39,930 --> 02:28:44,020
Fuck the cross of you-know-who,
people think I'm crazy!
1945
02:28:44,520 --> 02:28:48,230
You loathsome, vile peasant!
1946
02:28:48,980 --> 02:28:50,860
Go to hell!
1947
02:28:51,230 --> 02:28:53,980
Come get your cocks!
1948
02:28:53,980 --> 02:28:56,070
- Sturdy, hard -
- Actually...
1949
02:28:57,070 --> 02:29:00,280
How would someone
go about using one?
1950
02:29:00,450 --> 02:29:05,450
Not that I would need it, God forbid!
1951
02:29:05,870 --> 02:29:08,370
I just wonder at such an oddity.
1952
02:29:08,540 --> 02:29:12,590
Your Ladyship, pardon my dirty mouth,
1953
02:29:13,090 --> 02:29:15,300
but should one feel like it,
1954
02:29:15,460 --> 02:29:19,180
one should whistle for it
as shepherds do.
1955
02:29:21,010 --> 02:29:25,600
Then they'd better get ready
for a ride, I swear!
1956
02:29:25,890 --> 02:29:30,690
When one has had enough pounding,
one need only say:
1957
02:29:31,060 --> 02:29:34,320
"Whoa there, you greedy beast!"
1958
02:29:34,610 --> 02:29:39,530
In a blink it will pull back,
like a snake in the water.
1959
02:29:39,700 --> 02:29:43,030
Then one does the same
anytime one feels like it.
1960
02:29:43,200 --> 02:29:45,990
And if you're not pleased,
you can curse me!
1961
02:29:46,200 --> 02:29:50,920
A pox on you, peasant,
you have the devil in you!
1962
02:29:53,840 --> 02:29:57,000
I'll just go behind your stall for a bit.
1963
02:29:57,300 --> 02:30:01,010
Then the lady started
to whistle for the tool,
1964
02:30:01,220 --> 02:30:05,100
and the good cock goes
"woosh!" right into her cunt.
1965
02:30:05,100 --> 02:30:08,180
To work it went,
and the lady couldn't be happier!
1966
02:30:08,310 --> 02:30:11,810
As they say: you won't scare
an old hag with a thick cock.
1967
02:30:11,980 --> 02:30:17,360
She was staying put,
like a lamb sucking on its mother's teat.
1968
02:30:17,980 --> 02:30:20,070
She was a fiery one,
1969
02:30:20,240 --> 02:30:23,280
"tight of cunt and hard of hips,
cracks the cock between her teeth,
1970
02:30:23,410 --> 02:30:25,240
she'll ride anything that fits!"
1971
02:30:25,450 --> 02:30:28,120
Finally, once she was well sated,
1972
02:30:28,120 --> 02:30:31,250
she whispered
"whoa there, you hungry beast!"
1973
02:30:31,410 --> 02:30:35,210
The cock went limp and
"splat!" fell to the ground.
1974
02:30:35,840 --> 02:30:39,920
The lady piously picked it up
and kissed it right on the nose.
1975
02:30:41,670 --> 02:30:43,260
Say, man,
1976
02:30:45,760 --> 02:30:48,770
the ones who gave you this crop,
1977
02:30:49,600 --> 02:30:52,730
were they not Christ and Saint Peter?
1978
02:30:53,060 --> 02:30:55,650
They alone could work such wonders!
1979
02:30:55,770 --> 02:30:58,020
What do I know, Your Ladyship?
1980
02:30:58,190 --> 02:31:03,200
God or the Devil, fuck them
all the way into tomorrow!
1981
02:31:03,570 --> 02:31:05,740
Do pardon my words.
1982
02:31:06,410 --> 02:31:09,080
If it is as you say, peasant,
1983
02:31:09,700 --> 02:31:11,830
I believe it was Christ's hand.
1984
02:31:12,080 --> 02:31:13,580
And so,
1985
02:31:13,790 --> 02:31:18,460
I'll buy one as a souvenir
of the year with the harvest of...
1986
02:31:19,340 --> 02:31:21,010
such things.
1987
02:31:21,460 --> 02:31:23,380
It may be a good sign.
1988
02:31:23,550 --> 02:31:25,260
You mean cocks, Madam?
1989
02:31:25,470 --> 02:31:28,800
Eat them whole, since you like
saying their name so much!
1990
02:31:28,810 --> 02:31:33,270
It's how we always speak,
pray forgive us!
1991
02:31:34,060 --> 02:31:38,310
But if it's as you say,
I wonder at God's ways.
1992
02:31:38,560 --> 02:31:39,570
What the hell?
1993
02:31:39,730 --> 02:31:43,320
Has he no better business
than putting cocks on stalks?
1994
02:31:43,690 --> 02:31:48,240
God must have a hell of a cock!
1995
02:31:48,620 --> 02:31:52,500
So, Your Ladyship?
Will you buy one or not?
1996
02:31:53,960 --> 02:31:56,710
How much for that disgusting thing?
1997
02:31:57,170 --> 02:31:59,590
Not everything God sends is a godsend.
1998
02:31:59,840 --> 02:32:01,710
I don't know, Your Ladyship...
1999
02:32:02,000 --> 02:32:05,920
Let's not haggle, 500 lei and we're set.
2000
02:32:05,930 --> 02:32:09,760
500?
Aren't you a fresh one, peasant!
2001
02:32:09,890 --> 02:32:15,810
After I got all sweaty-balled
harvesting these cocks?
2002
02:32:16,020 --> 02:32:21,110
If I don't earn big from patrons like you,
what will poor village women pay?
2003
02:32:21,570 --> 02:32:26,570
They'll want a dozen cocks
for a copper, plus five extra!
2004
02:32:27,780 --> 02:32:29,530
Good lady!
2005
02:32:30,870 --> 02:32:33,740
Be my first client today!
2006
02:32:33,870 --> 02:32:37,290
You'll get a cock
so good you’ll thank me,
2007
02:32:37,420 --> 02:32:39,170
and tell other ladies, too!
2008
02:32:39,670 --> 02:32:42,800
Fine, you poor wretch.
2009
02:32:43,000 --> 02:32:45,510
- 500 lei.
- My lady!
2010
02:32:50,010 --> 02:32:56,600
Thence, whenever she felt indisposed,
the lady went at it and sated herself.
2011
02:32:56,890 --> 02:33:00,900
Never again did she have
to settle for whatever she could get!
2012
02:33:01,400 --> 02:33:06,940
She had made good
provisions for her old age.
2013
02:33:07,450 --> 02:33:09,820
But one day...
2014
02:33:13,370 --> 02:33:15,700
- God bless, Father.
- Blessed be, daughter.
2015
02:33:15,910 --> 02:33:18,410
I come to drive the devils away.
2016
02:33:18,540 --> 02:33:21,960
Sit down while I bring you some brandy.
2017
02:33:22,630 --> 02:33:26,210
When You, O Lord,
were baptised in the Jordan...
2018
02:33:26,340 --> 02:33:30,680
O Lord, teach me Your commandments.
2019
02:33:30,930 --> 02:33:34,060
And protect this house from all danger,
2020
02:33:34,220 --> 02:33:36,640
for You alone are without sin,
2021
02:33:41,270 --> 02:33:44,900
- When you, O Lord, were...
- Father?
2022
02:33:46,820 --> 02:33:48,610
Giddy-up!
2023
02:33:48,780 --> 02:33:52,110
Go, Silver, go!
2024
02:33:53,700 --> 02:33:54,870
Yee-haw!
2025
02:33:56,490 --> 02:33:58,250
Brr, you bag of bones!
2026
02:34:11,880 --> 02:34:17,430
God, let not thy servant
be the Devil's plaything!
2027
02:34:22,190 --> 02:34:26,150
And so the priest began to yank and pull,
2028
02:34:26,480 --> 02:34:29,900
like oxen when they won't
pull a heavy cart.
2029
02:34:30,030 --> 02:34:31,450
But all was in vain.
2030
02:34:31,610 --> 02:34:35,910
The priest prays,
the priest yells, the priest wiggles,
2031
02:34:36,120 --> 02:34:40,040
but even a priestly frock
is no shield against hard cock.
2032
02:34:44,130 --> 02:34:46,130
Yes, that feels good!
2033
02:34:47,630 --> 02:34:49,090
Yes, yes!
2034
02:34:52,260 --> 02:34:53,550
Yes!
2035
02:34:53,930 --> 02:34:57,510
Now this really has been
a beautiful love story!
2036
02:34:57,890 --> 02:35:02,390
Better even than
Daphnis and Chloe or Heloise and Abelard.
2037
02:35:03,890 --> 02:35:07,690
Of course, I don't condone
anything vulgar or questionable.
2038
02:35:08,020 --> 02:35:09,940
I'm not responsible.
2039
02:35:11,400 --> 02:35:14,200
Now let's go back to my runaways.
2040
02:35:14,410 --> 02:35:16,870
Let's see if I let them escape!
2041
02:36:29,770 --> 02:36:33,070
Dear Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0,
2042
02:36:33,530 --> 02:36:36,570
what would Dracula's
social media look like?
2043
02:36:36,860 --> 02:36:39,700
- I will now exemplify.
- Awesome.
2044
02:36:45,200 --> 02:36:49,460
Too often have you made riches
and power your single aim,
2045
02:36:49,630 --> 02:36:54,960
Too often you brought our nation
to ridicule and shame,
2046
02:36:55,300 --> 02:37:00,140
Too often you mocked the language
and customs of this race,
2047
02:37:00,260 --> 02:37:05,680
That now at last your mocking
does but yourselves disgrace!
2048
02:37:06,520 --> 02:37:10,900
While self was ever the craving
that in your spirits stirred,
2049
02:37:11,110 --> 02:37:16,570
Virtue? Nonsense.
Genius? But a word.
2050
02:37:18,240 --> 02:37:22,700
O, leave in the old chronicles
our forefathers to rest;
2051
02:37:22,950 --> 02:37:27,910
For they would gaze upon you
with irony at best.
2052
02:37:28,210 --> 02:37:34,500
Rise once more, o Impaler!
Take and divide these men
2053
02:37:34,840 --> 02:37:39,930
As lunatics and rogues
in two big tribes, and then
2054
02:37:40,090 --> 02:37:43,350
In mighty, twin infirmaries
by force both tribes intern,
2055
02:37:43,600 --> 02:37:47,770
And with a single faggot
prison and madhouse burn!
2056
02:38:01,910 --> 02:38:03,620
Catch him! He's there!
2057
02:38:12,330 --> 02:38:14,130
Help me, please!
2058
02:38:18,300 --> 02:38:19,920
I must be the one to kill him!
2059
02:38:19,920 --> 02:38:22,840
Mr. Adonis, this isn't fair,
we've all paid.
2060
02:38:22,840 --> 02:38:27,100
Dear lady, we have distinguished
clients here from Austria and the US.
2061
02:38:27,260 --> 02:38:29,810
Let's do it like
Murder on the Orient Express.
2062
02:38:30,020 --> 02:38:32,140
- What do you mean?
- Everybody gets a go.
2063
02:38:32,730 --> 02:38:35,900
Brilliant idea! Everybody will have a hit.
2064
02:38:36,070 --> 02:38:38,570
- Alright then!
- I start.
2065
02:38:39,360 --> 02:38:40,820
Hammer!
Hammer Horror.
2066
02:38:43,490 --> 02:38:44,570
Yes!
2067
02:38:49,330 --> 02:38:50,700
Cumshot!
2068
02:38:52,080 --> 02:38:53,330
Yes, bitch!
2069
02:39:00,630 --> 02:39:02,050
Away from me, Satan!
2070
02:39:02,220 --> 02:39:04,050
Vade retro Dracula!
2071
02:39:07,680 --> 02:39:09,350
You beggar!
2072
02:39:11,770 --> 02:39:13,350
That was fun!
2073
02:39:25,990 --> 02:39:28,200
Wittgenstein has put this epigraph
2074
02:39:28,370 --> 02:39:32,660
of Nestroy's in his
Philosophische Untersuchungen:
2075
02:39:33,370 --> 02:39:35,830
"The thing about progress is
2076
02:39:36,130 --> 02:39:39,590
that it looks much bigger
than it actually is."
2077
02:39:56,150 --> 02:39:59,900
I wouldn't close without
asking our Artificial Intelligence
2078
02:40:00,020 --> 02:40:02,070
for another story.
2079
02:40:02,190 --> 02:40:07,280
Let's dramatise a news story
that best expresses our day and age.
2080
02:40:07,410 --> 02:40:08,660
Hard choice.
2081
02:40:08,780 --> 02:40:12,410
The war in Ukraine, October 7,
the Gaza massacres,
2082
02:40:12,620 --> 02:40:17,330
Trump regime’s techno-fascism,
rising inequality...
2083
02:40:17,500 --> 02:40:20,840
- What shall it be?
- Something small.
2084
02:40:20,840 --> 02:40:24,050
Like the true life story
of a street sweeper.
2085
02:40:24,420 --> 02:40:26,340
Very well. Right away.
2086
02:40:27,680 --> 02:40:30,140
Enjoy and farewell, everyone!
2087
02:40:30,640 --> 02:40:32,260
To quote Ion Creangă:
2088
02:40:32,430 --> 02:40:36,560
"Dear reader, you must have
read much nonsense in your life.
2089
02:40:36,810 --> 02:40:39,190
Pray read this one too,
2090
02:40:39,480 --> 02:40:42,400
and if some part does not agree with you,
2091
02:40:42,650 --> 02:40:46,030
take a quill and
put down something better,
2092
02:40:46,200 --> 02:40:49,780
for I only did the best I could."
2093
02:40:51,280 --> 02:40:57,000
New slice-of-life
2094
02:41:29,320 --> 02:41:32,570
- We can't take this.
- What are you doing?
2095
02:41:33,160 --> 02:41:36,250
Construction waste
isn't our responsibility.
2096
02:41:36,370 --> 02:41:37,450
Say what?
2097
02:41:37,580 --> 02:41:42,080
We don't pick up rubble,
only household waste.
2098
02:41:42,080 --> 02:41:43,790
That's what this is!
2099
02:41:43,790 --> 02:41:45,920
No, it's full of rubble!
2100
02:41:46,210 --> 02:41:49,680
How dare you
look inside my bins?
2101
02:41:49,930 --> 02:41:51,890
They're private property!
2102
02:41:52,010 --> 02:41:56,140
- I'm calling the police.
- Great, they'll fine you!
2103
02:41:56,390 --> 02:41:57,600
Let him be.
2104
02:41:57,810 --> 02:42:02,020
Getting cheeky with me, son?
You know who I am?
2105
02:42:02,440 --> 02:42:06,150
There's a fucking
cubic metre of books between us!
2106
02:42:06,440 --> 02:42:09,190
- Fucking illiterates!
- We're not illiterate.
2107
02:42:09,360 --> 02:42:11,700
- You know who I am?
- No!
2108
02:42:11,700 --> 02:42:14,490
Both my parents were art historians!
2109
02:42:14,620 --> 02:42:17,540
My father was a specialist
in Trecento painters!
2110
02:42:17,660 --> 02:42:19,960
- I can appreciate -
- Hands off!
2111
02:42:20,120 --> 02:42:22,710
...the mystique of Jacopone da Todi!
2112
02:42:24,080 --> 02:42:26,750
The goliardic poetry of Cecco Angiolieri!
2113
02:42:26,880 --> 02:42:28,550
What's he saying?
2114
02:42:28,880 --> 02:42:32,380
Or Poggio's Facetiae! Yes, lady!
2115
02:42:32,510 --> 02:42:34,600
- Poggio, right.
- Poggio Bracciolini!
2116
02:42:34,720 --> 02:42:39,350
I didn't lock myself in the bathroom
with porn magazines, you wankers!
2117
02:42:39,930 --> 02:42:43,650
I took along Laelius de Amicitia!
2118
02:42:55,620 --> 02:42:59,410
Drop me off here,
I'll catch you in an hour or so.
2119
02:42:59,620 --> 02:43:01,870
- What time is it?
- 9 o'clock.
2120
02:43:24,390 --> 02:43:27,980
- Told you not to come dressed like that!
- Had no time to change.
2121
02:43:28,110 --> 02:43:30,480
- Everyone will laugh at me!
- I'll stay out here.
2122
02:43:30,650 --> 02:43:31,740
Told you, I didn't -
2123
02:43:31,860 --> 02:43:32,900
Laura!
2124
02:43:37,870 --> 02:43:41,450
O great Impaler, read this letter
About my land:
2125
02:43:41,580 --> 02:43:44,750
The people, in misery tethered,
From hope are banned!
2126
02:43:45,040 --> 02:43:48,170
We are robbed, disgraced,
Scoundrels wearing false masks,
2127
02:43:48,420 --> 02:43:52,670
From our own home we are chased.
What would you do, I ask?
2128
02:43:53,010 --> 02:43:55,720
O great Impaler, from up there
You hear our prayer:
2129
02:43:55,880 --> 02:43:59,010
Send to our country a reply,
Send us your heir!
2130
02:43:59,260 --> 02:44:02,390
For long enough we've been oppressed,
You know it best;
2131
02:44:02,560 --> 02:44:05,980
Until we rise up to this task,
What would you do, I ask?
2132
02:44:06,140 --> 02:44:10,860
So if life is love
And to love is life's aim,
2133
02:44:11,650 --> 02:44:16,570
We are proud of calling
Things by their name.
2134
02:44:16,700 --> 02:44:20,120
- What's the idea?
- My daughter's in the event.
2135
02:44:20,780 --> 02:44:24,160
- Who's your daughter?
- Paraschiv Laura, 3rd grade.
2136
02:44:25,040 --> 02:44:27,040
Never seen me around?
2137
02:44:27,330 --> 02:44:30,420
- No.
- I sometimes bring her to school.
2138
02:44:31,130 --> 02:44:34,260
- Then why don't you come in?
- You know...
2139
02:44:34,630 --> 02:44:37,180
My uniform would embarrass her.
2140
02:44:37,340 --> 02:44:41,680
I didn't get a chance to change,
been working since 5 am.
2141
02:44:41,970 --> 02:44:44,980
So I'm staying out.
Children will be children.
2142
02:44:46,690 --> 02:44:49,560
Her mother's really sick, in the hospital.
2143
02:44:50,560 --> 02:44:53,190
Go further away, by the swings.
2144
02:44:53,400 --> 02:44:56,320
They saw you from the secretary's office,
2145
02:44:56,490 --> 02:44:58,240
the headmaster won't like it.
2146
02:44:58,410 --> 02:44:59,990
Yeah, OK.
2147
02:45:00,870 --> 02:45:02,160
Farther!
2148
02:45:04,410 --> 02:45:09,710
Yes, we have our likes and dislikes,
Yes, we trust ourselves above all,
2149
02:45:09,920 --> 02:45:15,670
Yes, we love peace's white dove,
No, we don't want war.
2150
02:45:16,210 --> 02:45:21,390
Yes, we are the future generation,
Put your ear to the ground to hear...
2151
02:45:21,890 --> 02:45:26,180
What a pleasure,
travelling under falling snow,
2152
02:45:26,430 --> 02:45:30,400
Finding some small hovel,
windows warm aglow,
2153
02:45:30,730 --> 02:45:34,730
As the sled glides past
silver fir tree boughs,
2154
02:45:35,230 --> 02:45:39,240
In the loneliness settling around,
Treetops shine by the sunset crowned,
2155
02:45:39,660 --> 02:45:43,490
The light that pierces the forest air
Coalesces bowers of roses fair.
2156
02:45:43,620 --> 02:45:47,790
But the meager twilight subsides.
Night streams in, wells up in tides.
2157
02:45:47,950 --> 02:45:51,750
Hills rise up, in stillness wrought,
A path branches off to naught,
2158
02:45:52,040 --> 02:45:56,550
On the horizon, a deserted well
Keeps the landscape under a silent spell.
2159
02:45:56,960 --> 02:46:00,590
Awed by omens, your soul recoils,
You feel lost, far from turmoil,
2160
02:46:00,720 --> 02:46:05,140
Travelling on, carrying with you
Something of their sadness and woe.
2161
02:46:05,430 --> 02:46:09,850
Summoned by an arcane will,
Your heart gripped by its lonely chill,
2162
02:46:10,350 --> 02:46:15,940
No one around but your burdened soul
And longings you cannot console,
2163
02:46:16,110 --> 02:46:19,900
For a distant happiness within,
For what was not, but could have been,
2164
02:46:20,070 --> 02:46:22,820
For what was,
and is now forever gone.
2165
02:46:23,200 --> 02:46:24,490
Bravo!
165393
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