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1
00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:02,627
(male announcer)
Today on Judge Jessie,
2
00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:04,546
Judge Jessie turns up the heat.
3
00:00:04,629 --> 00:00:07,006
You signed a piece of paper.
4
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:08,383
He gave you the snake.
5
00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:09,676
Then you bring a snake
6
00:00:09,759 --> 00:00:12,387
into the home
with two small Chihuahuas.
7
00:00:12,470 --> 00:00:13,346
I had not been made aware
8
00:00:13,430 --> 00:00:15,432
that the snake
would get rid of its skin,
9
00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:18,143
and then the sprinklers
came down with the snakeskin,
10
00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:19,436
ruined my carpet.
11
00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:20,812
(Jessie)
What--what set off
the sprinklers?
12
00:00:20,895 --> 00:00:23,565
Unrelated popcorn fire,
Your Honor.
13
00:00:23,648 --> 00:00:25,233
(announcer)
Judge Jessie.
14
00:00:25,316 --> 00:00:29,028
As a police officer,
he defended the streets.
15
00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,321
As a trial lawyer...
16
00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:31,531
Objection!
17
00:00:31,614 --> 00:00:33,783
(announcer)
He fought for the truth.
18
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,034
As a black belt...
19
00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:37,579
[grunting]
20
00:00:37,662 --> 00:00:40,373
(announcer)
He mastered discipline.
21
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:42,584
As a carpenter,
22
00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:45,587
he learned the value
of craftsmanship.
23
00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:49,466
As a surgeon,
he mastered a cool head.
24
00:00:50,675 --> 00:00:52,510
As a crack ho,
25
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:56,097
he learned to go days
without sleep.
26
00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:57,348
And as an announcer,
27
00:00:57,432 --> 00:01:00,935
he does the voice-over
on this show.
28
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,605
Coming up on Judge Jessie...
29
00:01:03,688 --> 00:01:05,648
Mr. Simmons, before you speak,
I know from experience
30
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:07,650
that the police have completely
mishandled your case,
31
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:08,818
and there is legal precedent
for you to win,
32
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,945
and any good defense attorney
would have told you that.
33
00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:13,448
I also know that obviously the
place where you hurt your back
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00:01:13,531 --> 00:01:15,366
wasn't structurally
up to code, Mr. Oyama.
35
00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,533
And furthermore,
as a sensei,
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00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,244
you should know a man
of his skill set
37
00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:19,245
cannot do a Mike Yaki.
38
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:20,371
You should know that.
39
00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:21,789
Obviously, I can tell
by looking at your alignment
40
00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:25,001
that you've herniated a disc
someplace in your L4 or your L5.
41
00:01:25,084 --> 00:01:26,795
I'm finding for the plaintiff
not $2,500,
42
00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,545
$2,700, Mr. Oyama.
43
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:29,506
Thank you, Your Honor.
44
00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:32,425
You're quite welcome.
45
00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:37,764
(announcer)
Judge Jessie.
46
00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:40,183
Dusty, can I suck your [bleep]?
47
00:01:40,892 --> 00:01:44,562
[haunting Western music]
48
00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:52,654
♪ ♪
49
00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:09,628
Okay, so give me--
just shout out,
50
00:02:09,711 --> 00:02:11,506
like, a character or, like,
an occupation or something.
51
00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:12,507
Okay, yeah.
52
00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:13,132
Timid librarian.
53
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,095
Excuse me, sir.
54
00:02:20,056 --> 00:02:20,890
- [whimpering]
- No.
55
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:21,683
- No, no, no, no.
- [whimpering]
56
00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:22,725
Okay, but you're--
57
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:26,020
- You're--cut, cut.
- Shh.
58
00:02:26,103 --> 00:02:28,356
- Cut, cut.
- Why you cutting library?
59
00:02:28,439 --> 00:02:29,524
Why? Okay. I don't know.
Are you Vietnamese?
60
00:02:29,607 --> 00:02:31,693
All right, let me give you one.
Let me give you one.
61
00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:33,361
- Yes. Yeah, okay.
- Okay, you are--
62
00:02:33,444 --> 00:02:35,029
Remember I'm driving, so...
[laughs]
63
00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:39,492
You are
a secure construction worker.
64
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:40,743
Okay, here we go.
65
00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,496
You--you went to Penn State
for grad school.
66
00:02:43,579 --> 00:02:45,248
Me? No, I didn't go
to Penn State for grad school.
67
00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:47,083
Okay, there he is.
68
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,042
Hello.
69
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:51,671
[laughter]
70
00:02:51,754 --> 00:02:53,089
I saw him.
I saw him.
71
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,675
For that second
when we were in it, I saw him.
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00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:58,261
Damn, that's good.
73
00:02:58,344 --> 00:02:59,637
That is some good [bleep].
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00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:02,765
♪ ♪
75
00:03:04,183 --> 00:03:06,227
Noah Sanders.
Here for the job interview.
76
00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:09,063
Please take a seat.
Mr. Weinstein will see you next.
77
00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:12,108
[lounge music]
78
00:03:12,191 --> 00:03:19,198
♪ ♪
79
00:03:24,203 --> 00:03:26,497
Job interviews, huh?
80
00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:30,209
Never fun.
81
00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:31,753
Okay, just...
82
00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:33,588
I get it.
Stay focused.
83
00:03:33,671 --> 00:03:35,673
Cool.
84
00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:38,426
Cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool.
85
00:03:38,509 --> 00:03:38,843
[clicks tongue]
86
00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:41,304
[laughter]
87
00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:43,264
Oh.
88
00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:45,934
- Yeah.
- Whoo-hoo!
89
00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:49,896
That was a big laugh.
90
00:03:49,978 --> 00:03:50,939
[exhales]
91
00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:51,940
(Weinstein)
Oh, no!
92
00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:54,359
- I did it!
- No, you didn't!
93
00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:57,654
- I did it.
- [laughter]
94
00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,280
Jeez.
95
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:02,784
Is this a job interview
or The Carol Burnett Show?
96
00:04:02,867 --> 00:04:04,661
- You know what I mean?
- [laughter]
97
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:06,913
Oh, sir, sir, sir.
98
00:04:06,996 --> 00:04:09,499
- Oh, my God, that is too rich.
- Oh, well.
99
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:11,084
Thanks so much
for coming in, Adam.
100
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:12,210
Of course,
and you better stay away
101
00:04:12,293 --> 00:04:13,252
from that Chinese food there.
102
00:04:13,336 --> 00:04:14,587
Oh, my God,
you got that right.
103
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:15,797
That's done--it's done a number
on my stomach.
104
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,548
- [martial arts shouts]
- [grunting]
105
00:04:18,632 --> 00:04:19,550
Here's your fortune.
106
00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:19,968
You're gonna be sick
in a half hour.
107
00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:22,512
[laughter]
108
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:27,225
Oh, my gosh,
what an absolute delight, Adam.
109
00:04:27,308 --> 00:04:27,809
It's been great, and--can I
tell you something real quick?
110
00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:28,977
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
111
00:04:29,060 --> 00:04:31,312
I don't even care
if I get this job
112
00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:34,148
because I know
I've made a friend for life.
113
00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:36,401
What a terrific attitude.
114
00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:38,027
What a great goddamn attitude.
115
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:38,987
Yup.
116
00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:40,822
You son of a gun.
117
00:04:40,905 --> 00:04:42,490
You know what?
118
00:04:42,573 --> 00:04:45,159
Right quick, before you leave,
I want to give you something.
119
00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:46,828
No, sir,
I can't take any more gifts.
120
00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:49,789
This whole thing
has been a gift.
121
00:04:49,872 --> 00:04:51,624
My brother passed away.
122
00:04:51,707 --> 00:04:53,710
[somber music]
123
00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,503
21 years ago.
124
00:04:55,586 --> 00:04:56,713
Wow.
125
00:04:56,796 --> 00:04:59,132
We were estranged,
126
00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:02,010
and he became ill,
127
00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:04,846
and he gave this to me
as a peace offering.
128
00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:06,723
Ohh.
129
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,349
And then one day
when we were on the ocean,
130
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:11,352
he fell overboard on a boat
very much like this one
131
00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:13,521
and died.
132
00:05:13,604 --> 00:05:14,939
I saw him struggling
all the way
133
00:05:15,023 --> 00:05:17,316
as a riptide
just pulled him down.
134
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,193
That bitch ocean.
135
00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:20,403
Would you please accept this
as a--as a token
136
00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:24,365
of my gratitude for you
bringing joy back into my life?
137
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:29,203
Under any other circumstance,
I would refuse,
138
00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:31,539
but I will accept
this gift today
139
00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:34,375
because I know
how much it means to you.
140
00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:35,626
So I will.
141
00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:39,756
Thank you.
142
00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:42,050
Ahoy, matey.
143
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:44,218
[both laugh]
144
00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:47,555
Ahoy, matey.
145
00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:50,725
[laughter]
146
00:05:50,808 --> 00:05:52,477
How is that funny?
147
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,520
Bernadette.
148
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:55,521
Bernadette.
149
00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,565
- Are you hearing any of this?
- Oh, my God.
150
00:05:57,648 --> 00:06:01,152
This guy. How do you keep
a straight face all day?
151
00:06:01,235 --> 00:06:03,237
[laughter]
152
00:06:03,321 --> 00:06:05,281
She's--isn't she sweet?
153
00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:05,740
Sweeter than pie.
Sweeter than pie.
154
00:06:05,823 --> 00:06:07,700
Oh, my God.
155
00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:09,035
God damn it,
I love your [bleep] energy.
156
00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:12,705
Well,
what can I say, sir?
157
00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:13,706
I am solar powered.
158
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:16,584
[screaming laughter]
159
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:23,716
[continues laughing]
160
00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:27,303
Really?
161
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,305
You like--
you like that one, huh?
162
00:06:29,388 --> 00:06:31,349
Oh, thanks so much, Adam.
163
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:33,768
Terrific.
[laughs]
164
00:06:33,851 --> 00:06:38,356
Best interview I've ever been
a part of in my entire life.
165
00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:39,899
Okay, who's next?
166
00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:43,069
You? Ready?
Let's go. Chop-chop.
167
00:06:43,152 --> 00:06:46,447
Here we go.
[clapping]
168
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:51,202
Come on, let's go.
169
00:06:51,284 --> 00:06:52,286
Okay.
170
00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:53,913
Hoo-hoo!
171
00:06:53,996 --> 00:06:54,956
Hoo!
172
00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:56,999
Requesting permission
to come on board, sir.
173
00:06:57,082 --> 00:06:59,961
Hi, Noah Sanders the name.
174
00:07:00,044 --> 00:07:01,295
Sorry to hear
about your brother.
175
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:02,630
Maybe we could get
some Chinese food after this?
176
00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:03,172
- [clicks tongue]
- All right. All right.
177
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:06,676
Okay, take it easy.
178
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:07,385
Jeez, settle down, turbo.
179
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:13,808
[haunting Western music]
180
00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:15,768
[laughter]
181
00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:16,769
[phone dings and vibrates]
182
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,480
Oh, hold on a second.
Mm-hmm.
183
00:07:22,441 --> 00:07:24,485
Oh, hell no.
184
00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:27,655
He did not just text me
he working late.
185
00:07:27,738 --> 00:07:27,989
That [bleep] is weak.
186
00:07:28,072 --> 00:07:30,074
Okay.
187
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:31,659
You know what,
working late, my ass.
188
00:07:31,742 --> 00:07:32,284
If he don't walk
through that door
189
00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:33,369
in the next half an hour,
190
00:07:33,452 --> 00:07:35,663
he may as well not even
come home tonight
191
00:07:35,746 --> 00:07:38,040
'cause I'm not gonna be there
waiting for his cheating ass.
192
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:40,334
- Okay!
- All right, girl?
193
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:41,961
I ain't playing.
You know what I'm saying?
194
00:07:42,044 --> 00:07:45,089
I mean, I will be there
waiting because--
195
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:47,300
But he gonna have to put up
with a lot of [bleep] from me.
196
00:07:47,383 --> 00:07:48,426
Okay.
197
00:07:48,509 --> 00:07:51,470
And if he think
he gonna do this [bleep] again,
198
00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,389
he is sorely mistaken...
199
00:07:53,472 --> 00:07:54,307
Okay!
200
00:07:54,390 --> 00:07:56,475
Because my man
gets one chance.
201
00:07:56,558 --> 00:07:57,185
- Okay!
- One.
202
00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:59,520
- Okay!
- And then after that,
203
00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:01,063
- he get one more...
- Okay...
204
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:04,692
And then after that,
he gonna get three strikes.
205
00:08:04,775 --> 00:08:06,194
- Then you're out.
- Okay...
206
00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:10,990
And if I ever find out that
my man was messing around on me,
207
00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:13,701
he better get as far
away from me as he possibly can
208
00:08:13,784 --> 00:08:16,787
because he do not want to get
what I'm gonna give to him.
209
00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,039
Okay.
210
00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:19,874
I got my mother[bleep]
real estate license...
211
00:08:19,957 --> 00:08:20,957
Okay!
212
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,920
But if and when he does
come home, that's fine...
213
00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:24,879
Okay.
214
00:08:24,962 --> 00:08:26,214
'Cause he can go out
215
00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:27,256
and get all turnt up
with these little side hos
216
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:30,051
and whatnot
'cause you know what, bitch?
217
00:08:30,134 --> 00:08:32,678
He always gonna come home.
218
00:08:32,761 --> 00:08:34,138
- All right?
- Okay.
219
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,807
I'm the queen bee, and he
always gonna come home to me.
220
00:08:36,890 --> 00:08:38,226
- You know what?
- Okay...
221
00:08:38,308 --> 00:08:39,184
But you know what, but you
know what, but you know what?
222
00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:41,229
- I don't even care.
- Oh, okay.
223
00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:41,729
But I'll tell you what happen
if he do come home.
224
00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:43,981
Okay.
225
00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:45,233
He ain't gonna be pulling
any of that [bleep] in my house.
226
00:08:45,316 --> 00:08:46,150
Okay...
227
00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:48,110
He can come to the house
if he wants to,
228
00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:50,655
but he ain't never gonna
do that when I'm home.
229
00:08:50,738 --> 00:08:52,281
- Okay.
- You know what?
230
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:56,327
Even if I'm home,
it's fine.
231
00:08:56,410 --> 00:08:57,245
Okay...
232
00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:58,454
You know
what I'm talking about?
233
00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,538
Mm, okay.
234
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:01,249
'Cause I don't give
a good goddamn.
235
00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:02,375
- Okay.
- That's what I'm talking about.
236
00:09:02,458 --> 00:09:03,251
But he ain't gonna bring
that [bleep] into my bedroom.
237
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:05,127
I tell you that much right now,
okay?
238
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:06,087
Okay.
239
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:07,880
'Cause there ain't no
trifling-ass [bleep]
240
00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:12,468
gonna wake me up while he's
cheating on me in my bed again.
241
00:09:12,551 --> 00:09:13,636
Okay...
242
00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:16,138
And I told him.
I looked him right in the face.
243
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:19,225
I said, "This is the fifth
and last time that you"--
244
00:09:19,308 --> 00:09:21,435
Okay!
245
00:09:25,189 --> 00:09:25,564
[exhales]
246
00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:29,986
I couldn't have
said it better myself, girl.
247
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:32,446
- You're right.
- Okay?
248
00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:34,740
You just been spouting words
of wisdom all evening.
249
00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:36,033
I ain't listening to a
250
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,952
[high-pitched] goddamn thing
you saying.
251
00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:39,745
[quietly]
Okay.
252
00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:40,830
I don't even know what
the hell I was thinking, girl.
253
00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:43,040
You right.
254
00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:46,419
The second that that man
walks through that door,
255
00:09:46,502 --> 00:09:46,961
I'ma dump his ass.
256
00:09:47,044 --> 00:09:49,005
O...kay.
257
00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:50,298
- Okay?
- Okay.
258
00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:53,718
Oh, my gosh,
speak of the devil.
259
00:09:53,801 --> 00:09:56,637
[romantic music]
260
00:09:56,721 --> 00:10:04,854
♪ ♪
261
00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:08,065
O...kay.
262
00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,318
Okay.
263
00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:12,695
[haunting Western music]
264
00:10:15,239 --> 00:10:17,325
You know who's--you know
who's a good actor, though,
265
00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,702
female-wise and otherwise?
266
00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:20,161
[laughs]
267
00:10:20,244 --> 00:10:22,621
Meryl Streeps.
268
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,582
How you gonna have
an entire career
269
00:10:24,665 --> 00:10:27,376
and never make a bad movie?
270
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,503
Like, I can't think
of a bad Meryl Streep movie.
271
00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:31,797
Some people didn't like--
she made a move
272
00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:33,758
in the '80s with Robert De Niro
call--I like that one.
273
00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:36,260
Wasn't she
in Weekend at Bernie's?
274
00:10:38,387 --> 00:10:39,430
I don't recall that, Jordan.
275
00:10:39,513 --> 00:10:41,307
Yeah, she was the one
that was making out with Bernie,
276
00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:43,351
and they were holding
Bernie up,
277
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,561
and he was hooking up
with her.
278
00:10:45,644 --> 00:10:47,355
That was Streep.
279
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,231
Pretty sure it might have
been bizarro Streep,
280
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:50,274
but it was
not the regular Streep.
281
00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:53,194
Yeah, people, early on,
they'll do some things.
282
00:10:53,277 --> 00:10:54,028
What are you talking
about "early on"?
283
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:56,197
That's not early on
in her career.
284
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:57,198
- Yeah, I mean...
- What is wrong with you?
285
00:10:57,281 --> 00:10:58,866
Are you on drugs right now?
286
00:10:58,949 --> 00:11:02,244
Meryl Streep was not
in Weekend at Bernie's!
287
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:03,412
Don't say it again.
288
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:06,957
- Yes, she was.
- She was not, Jordan.
289
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:07,958
Jordan.
290
00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:10,961
♪ ♪
291
00:11:12,588 --> 00:11:13,047
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
292
00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:15,299
Hey, dog.
293
00:11:15,383 --> 00:11:16,217
What'd you get up
to this weekend, though, dog?
294
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:19,053
Ah, you know me, man.
295
00:11:19,136 --> 00:11:20,721
Got up all up
in that Redbox.
296
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:22,556
- Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah?
- Yeah.
297
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,558
- You know who's good, though?
- Who that, dog?
298
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:26,477
Robert Downeys Juniors.
299
00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:28,396
Robert Downeys Juniors,
though, dog? Which one?
300
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:29,855
- Which one?
- Tony Starks, dog.
301
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:31,399
Tony Starks! Yeah, man.
302
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:32,775
- Tony Starks. Iron Mans.
- Yo.
303
00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:34,443
That man be building
his own suit and everything
304
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:35,736
and getting all witty
with Pepper Pottsies.
305
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:38,280
Yeah, yeah. Yo, yo, my man's got
a glowing heart in that one.
306
00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:40,658
(both)
Wan, wan, wan.
307
00:11:40,741 --> 00:11:42,535
You give that [bleep] a statue
for that alone.
308
00:11:42,618 --> 00:11:44,412
- That's right there, man.
- Whoo!
309
00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:46,038
Definitely, dog, yo,
but yo,
310
00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:48,082
another thing
about RD Squared real quick?
311
00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:49,625
- Go to it.
- Sherlocky Holmes.
312
00:11:49,708 --> 00:11:50,793
Sherlocky Holmesies.
313
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:51,836
- Sherlocky Holmes.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
314
00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:52,878
When Sherlocksy Holmes
is in that pit
315
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:53,838
and he's fighting that dude.
316
00:11:53,921 --> 00:11:55,005
Yeah, and he fighting
that dude.
317
00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:56,006
And then all of a sudden
in his mind
318
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:57,425
he made everything
go in slow motion.
319
00:11:57,508 --> 00:11:58,634
[British accent] "I've got to
do this, and I got to do this,
320
00:11:58,717 --> 00:11:59,552
and then statistically
I should do this."
321
00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:02,263
And then the cane,
and then he went back
322
00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:03,514
to real-life speed,
and he did it.
323
00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:06,267
[overlapping chatter
and shouting]
324
00:12:06,350 --> 00:12:07,351
What?
That was my jam.
325
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:09,437
- That was my jam right there.
- That was my jam.
326
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:10,771
He knew what was going
to happen using statistics!
327
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:11,897
Yo, and then remember
that one scene
328
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,524
where he woke up in
his neighbor's daughter's bed,
329
00:12:13,607 --> 00:12:15,568
and he was all on drugs
and [bleep]?
330
00:12:15,651 --> 00:12:17,653
- Oh, yeah!
- Yo.
331
00:12:17,736 --> 00:12:18,571
No, no, that was RD Squared in
real life, though, right there.
332
00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:20,322
It was. It was.
It was. It was.
333
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:21,323
That was real life, though.
334
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:22,825
He was good in that one, though.
He was good.
335
00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:23,951
- He was good in that one.
- That was very realistic, yup.
336
00:12:24,034 --> 00:12:25,119
You know who else is good,
though, dog?
337
00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:26,287
- Who, who, who, who, who?
- Vally Kilmers.
338
00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,038
Oh, we talking 'bout
Vally Kilmers right now.
339
00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:29,582
We talking 'bout Vally Kilmers
right now, dog.
340
00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:30,833
Which one? Which one?
Which one?
341
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:33,210
Which one? Oh, you know,
Vally Kilmers in Tombstones.
342
00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:35,045
Oh, what?
343
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:41,010
[imitating hooves clopping]
344
00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:42,470
What?
Come on, man.
345
00:12:42,553 --> 00:12:44,138
- [imitates whipping]
- [imitates horse neighing]
346
00:12:44,221 --> 00:12:46,265
That's my [bleep] right there.
Doccy Hollidays, dog?
347
00:12:46,348 --> 00:12:47,475
Oh, my God.
My man's talking about...
348
00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:49,727
[inhales and exhales]
"I'll be your huckleberry."
349
00:12:49,810 --> 00:12:50,728
Ooh, and they was up
in that O.K. Corral.
350
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:52,563
- Talking about--
- Oh, the shootout?
351
00:12:52,646 --> 00:12:53,689
[imitating gunshots]
352
00:12:53,772 --> 00:12:55,316
- Earps. Earps. Earps. Earps.
- Buck. Buck.
353
00:12:55,399 --> 00:12:58,527
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
354
00:12:58,611 --> 00:12:59,820
Oh, you ain't okay.
Ha ha!
355
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,239
- That's my jam right there.
- That's my jam.
356
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:04,325
But what about my boy Vally
Kilmers in Willows, though?
357
00:13:04,408 --> 00:13:05,534
Oh.
358
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,077
What about Vally Kilmers
in that Willows, though, right?
359
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:09,830
Vally Kilmers in that Willows,
dog, yo!
360
00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:10,831
When he was Madmartigans
361
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,458
and they was
in that medieval toboggan.
362
00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:13,417
Talking about--
363
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:17,671
[imitating sledding
and adventure music]
364
00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:18,547
What?
365
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,966
[both imitating sword fighting]
366
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:23,511
And the little leprechaun
talking about, "You are great."
367
00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:25,304
He was
magically delicious, dog!
368
00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:26,764
- Magically delicious, dog.
- That was my jam.
369
00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:27,598
Oh, but what about Val Kilmers
in The Saints? What?
370
00:13:27,681 --> 00:13:30,184
Oh, Vally Kilmers
in The Saint.
371
00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:31,769
Vally Kilmers in The Saint,
though, what?
372
00:13:31,852 --> 00:13:34,271
When my man--
my man was like--
373
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:35,439
And--and then--
and then he--
374
00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:37,358
and then he was like--he--
375
00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:39,443
I-I didn't see that one.
376
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:41,111
Just the cover
looked enticing.
377
00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:42,988
Yo, yo, you know
what I'm realizing right now
378
00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:44,114
for the first time?
379
00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:45,407
What's that, dog?
380
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:46,659
It's like if there was a graph
of RD Square...
381
00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:49,203
- Yeah, a graph.
- And Vally Kilmers' careers...
382
00:13:49,286 --> 00:13:50,371
Yeah, yeah.
383
00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:51,747
RD Square
would start down here.
384
00:13:51,830 --> 00:13:53,540
Right, and Vally Kilmers
would be starting right up here.
385
00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:55,584
And RD Square would get
this trajectory going.
386
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,378
Right, and then Vally Kilmers
be on this trajectory
387
00:13:57,461 --> 00:13:58,712
- right here like this, right?
- And they just making movies.
388
00:13:58,796 --> 00:13:59,797
They just making movies.
Making movies.
389
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:00,756
Making movies.
Making movies.
390
00:14:00,839 --> 00:14:02,132
Making movies.
Getting a little crazy.
391
00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:03,342
Just doing a little drugs.
Just getting a little bit--
392
00:14:03,425 --> 00:14:04,593
Yup, doing crazy.
Making--still making movies.
393
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,804
And then they meet
at this point.
394
00:14:06,887 --> 00:14:08,764
In the same movie.
395
00:14:08,847 --> 00:14:13,477
Which is why the best movie
of all time is--
396
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:17,690
- Kiss Kiss--
- Bang Bang.
397
00:14:17,773 --> 00:14:20,442
(both)
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
398
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:29,410
is my [bleep]!
399
00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:33,330
[haunting Western music]
400
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:37,042
I just like to believe.
401
00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:38,919
You like to believe what?
402
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:43,173
Maybe there's a place for me
where I can be an action star.
403
00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:44,508
Of course there's a place
for you
404
00:14:44,592 --> 00:14:45,759
where you can be
an action star.
405
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:46,927
Where? What?
What could I--
406
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,680
What could I be,
an action star fry chef?
407
00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:50,848
[clears throat]
408
00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:54,101
People have this conception
that love handles are fat.
409
00:14:54,184 --> 00:14:59,898
They are very difficult
to maintain musculature that--
410
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:01,734
- What are those muscles called?
- Hmm?
411
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:02,359
What are those muscles called?
412
00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:04,653
Not a muscologist.
413
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,030
You're not a muscologist?
414
00:15:06,113 --> 00:15:08,782
Are those--there's--there's
no muscle there. There may be--
415
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,826
I want you to grab--
I want you to grab that.
416
00:15:10,909 --> 00:15:14,121
- Yup.
- All right. I'm gonna flex it.
417
00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:16,373
- Flex it now.
- Okay, hold on.
418
00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,334
I got a whole chunk
right here.
419
00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:20,961
Just like a chunk about the size
of six doughnuts right here.
420
00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:22,755
- [chuckles]
- Listen, I'm sorry.
421
00:15:22,838 --> 00:15:23,881
- You all right?
- Thanks, bro.
422
00:15:23,964 --> 00:15:25,132
Okay.
423
00:15:25,215 --> 00:15:26,800
[clears throat]
424
00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:28,344
We all know it's not muscle.
425
00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:29,553
- We know that.
- Thanks.
426
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:32,348
♪ ♪
427
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:35,184
[dramatic choral music]
428
00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:40,689
♪ ♪
429
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,066
Decker.
430
00:15:42,149 --> 00:15:46,654
Agent Jackson, you'll be working
with him on this mission.
431
00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:49,281
Agent Jackson,
let's get one thing straight.
432
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:50,824
I don't like orders,
433
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:52,493
and I don't play by the rules.
434
00:15:52,576 --> 00:15:54,995
I trust you heard of me.
435
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:56,372
Actually, no, I haven't.
436
00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:59,208
Ooh, hubba hubba.
437
00:15:59,290 --> 00:16:04,546
♪ ♪
438
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:05,923
We don't have much time.
439
00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:08,926
The Arachnid agents
have taken over the consulate.
440
00:16:09,009 --> 00:16:13,681
We need to get you in and
resolve this from the inside.
441
00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:16,183
We've taken the latest sitrep
of the hostile's position,
442
00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:18,852
and we've reconstructed
a holographic blueprint
443
00:16:18,936 --> 00:16:20,062
of the consulate.
444
00:16:20,145 --> 00:16:24,525
Save the mouth squirt
for the new recruits, General.
445
00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:26,318
Not gonna by impressed
by any fancy...
446
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:27,820
technology!
447
00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:29,988
[beeping]
- [shouting]
448
00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:40,457
It's just
a 3-D representation.
449
00:16:40,540 --> 00:16:42,668
Pretty standard these days.
450
00:16:42,751 --> 00:16:44,420
All right.
451
00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:45,879
I know what it is.
452
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:47,214
Agent Jackson,
453
00:16:47,297 --> 00:16:49,883
you will enter through
this AC duct on the south side
454
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:51,051
- of the building.
- Yes, sir.
455
00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:53,679
Decker,
you will be dropped on top,
456
00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:56,473
and then you will gain access
through this elevator shaft.
457
00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:57,474
We want you to go down
to the fourth floor.
458
00:16:57,558 --> 00:17:00,894
- [gasps]
- Make--
459
00:17:00,978 --> 00:17:03,731
Decker.
460
00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:05,065
You okay?
461
00:17:05,148 --> 00:17:07,984
Heard everything you said.
462
00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:11,405
Elevator shaft.
463
00:17:11,488 --> 00:17:12,656
It's bright.
464
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,407
Yeah, it's bright.
465
00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:15,576
The terrorists are located
466
00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:18,704
on the third and fifth floor
of the building.
467
00:17:18,787 --> 00:17:20,873
Each floor has six groups
of six men.
468
00:17:20,955 --> 00:17:22,708
What we're gonna want you to do
is stop in the middle
469
00:17:22,790 --> 00:17:24,334
of the fourth
and pry open the elevator door
470
00:17:24,417 --> 00:17:26,211
and go--
471
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,964
I just want you to move
through that elevator door
472
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,174
and then go do--
473
00:17:30,257 --> 00:17:32,301
[beeping]
474
00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:35,637
Pry open--
475
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:36,805
[beeping]
476
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:41,435
Elevator door.
Go down to the third flo--
477
00:17:41,518 --> 00:17:42,811
Okay, maybe
this isn't gonna work out.
478
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,814
Why?
What's the matter, General?
479
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:48,400
Everybody's putting their hand
in the laser.
480
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:50,903
It's not a laser.
481
00:17:50,986 --> 00:17:52,780
It's a hologram.
482
00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:54,114
Tomato, tomato.
483
00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:58,827
Look, what's with all
the babysitting and handholding?
484
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,538
Papa's a big boy.
485
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,415
Let's zoom into the interior.
486
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:05,667
Yeah, let's zoom in.
487
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:08,587
Oh, boy!
488
00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:12,007
[breathing heavily]
489
00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:14,134
[beeping]
490
00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:15,928
Let's cut to the chase.
Why am I here?
491
00:18:16,011 --> 00:18:16,929
[sighs]
492
00:18:17,012 --> 00:18:19,807
Your primary target
is your old rival
493
00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:23,977
from the Cold War,
Nikoli Androkovich.
494
00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:24,394
Now, Androkovich
has been leading--
495
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:26,355
He's here!
496
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,315
[grunts]
497
00:18:28,398 --> 00:18:30,317
Wh--Jackson! Jackson!
498
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:35,697
Wait.
499
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:38,450
Good job, Decker.
500
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,661
Jackson was an undercover agent
for Arachnid.
501
00:18:40,744 --> 00:18:43,413
How in the world did you know?
502
00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:47,459
Ain't my first rodeo.
503
00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:51,463
[dramatic music]
504
00:18:51,547 --> 00:18:55,425
[screams]
Hot!
505
00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:57,302
Not hot enough.
506
00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:02,766
[haunting Western music]
507
00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:05,727
Well, we were
behind each other in line
508
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,938
at the grocery store.
509
00:19:08,021 --> 00:19:11,900
And it was silly,
but I dropped a can of peas.
510
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,986
And he bent over to pick them up
for me,
511
00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:17,197
and that's where it started.
512
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,617
What can I say?
513
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:21,869
It was love at first sight.
514
00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:24,705
We've been together
ever since.
515
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:28,083
Well...
516
00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:33,255
Yes, she always has had
her own way of doing things.
517
00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:41,138
Okay.
518
00:19:41,221 --> 00:19:43,974
- I see what's going on here.
- Honey.
519
00:19:44,057 --> 00:19:46,143
You don't approve
of our engagement.
520
00:19:46,226 --> 00:19:48,103
- No, they're not like that.
- I'm sorry, sweetheart.
521
00:19:48,186 --> 00:19:50,230
Yes, they are like that.
522
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,274
Look at their faces.
523
00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:57,487
There's no point
in trying to reason with folks
524
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,240
who can't appreciate
the differences in others.
525
00:20:00,324 --> 00:20:02,743
You should be ashamed
of yourselves.
526
00:20:02,826 --> 00:20:06,079
[somber music]
527
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,080
Honey, wait.
528
00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:07,289
[door closes]
529
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:16,506
I cannot believe that
you would bring a colored man
530
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:17,382
into our house.
531
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:20,928
♪ ♪
532
00:20:21,011 --> 00:20:22,763
[sobs]
533
00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:25,641
[crying]
534
00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:27,768
He's gone now.
535
00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:29,645
[haunting Western music]
536
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:34,107
How about this?
537
00:20:34,191 --> 00:20:35,609
Why don't they just
make the movie that
538
00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:38,362
got straight Sidney Poitier,
Denzel Washington,
539
00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:39,780
and Morgan Freeman
in the same movie?
540
00:20:39,863 --> 00:20:40,614
- Make the movie.
- Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
541
00:20:40,697 --> 00:20:42,532
- Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
- Extra Oscars.
542
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:44,451
Everybody just then straight
getting extra Oscars from--
543
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:45,994
Yeah, talking
about three wise men.
544
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:46,912
- Blip, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
- Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap.
545
00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:48,997
That would be my jam.
546
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,833
Nobody would be
paying attention to Jesus.
547
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:52,793
Don't even worry
about that.
548
00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:53,961
They'd just be looking
at the wise men.
549
00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:55,879
(Jordan)
That movie is clutch.
550
00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:57,756
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
551
00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:59,800
Oh, yeah.
552
00:21:02,302 --> 00:21:04,972
Your Honor, I do have
a Polaroid of the snake
553
00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:06,098
playing with my dogs.
554
00:21:06,181 --> 00:21:07,683
There was no sign of aggression.
555
00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:08,475
Do you have the Polaroid here?
556
00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:09,810
I don't have it here with me...
557
00:21:09,893 --> 00:21:10,894
Sir.
558
00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:12,312
But I also have
the movie tickets.
559
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:13,105
- The movie we went to see...
- You want a hummer, Dusty?
560
00:21:13,188 --> 00:21:14,356
The murder.
It was part two.
561
00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:15,357
I could take it all in.
I could take the whole thing.
39585
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