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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,168 --> 00:00:04,129 [smooth jazz playing] 2 00:00:04,212 --> 00:00:06,965 - WASN'T THAT THE TURN FOR OUR POLLING STATION? 3 00:00:07,048 --> 00:00:09,008 - WHY, NO, YOUNG MAN. 4 00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:11,761 UH, SEE, WE--WE KNOW A SHORTER ROUTE TO YOUR-- 5 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:15,098 TO OUR DEMOCRATIC POLLING STATION. 6 00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:17,267 - YOU KNOW HOW US DEMOCRATS LIKE A SHORTCUT, 7 00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:20,061 LIKE GOVERNMENT SPENDING TO PROP UP THE ECONOMY. 8 00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:23,773 - THERE'S NOTHING MORE WE LOVE THAN THOSE FEDERAL PROGRAMS. 9 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,567 - YOU TWO ARE DEMOCRATS, AREN'T YOU? 10 00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:26,609 - WHAT? 11 00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:28,278 [both laugh] 12 00:00:28,361 --> 00:00:29,446 - OF COURSE WE ARE. 13 00:00:29,529 --> 00:00:31,281 - YOU SEE THE COLOR OF OUR SKIN, DON'T YOU? 14 00:00:31,364 --> 00:00:33,700 HOW COULD WE NOT BLINDLY VOTE DEMOCRATIC? 15 00:00:33,783 --> 00:00:34,325 - I MEAN, THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS. 16 00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,578 - WHATEVER. 17 00:00:36,661 --> 00:00:38,121 ALL I KNOW IS MY POLLING PLACE CLOSES IN 15 MINUTES. 18 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:40,039 - WHY, THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE. - AWFUL. 19 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,458 I MEAN, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO ELECT TAX-AND-SPEND POLITICIANS 20 00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:43,209 IF YOU CAN'T VOTE? 21 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:47,505 - IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO VOTE WITH ALL THOSE VOTER I.D. LAWS. 22 00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:48,798 - REPUBLICANS. - ARGH! 23 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:51,301 THOSE GOSH-DARN REPUBLICANS. 24 00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:54,971 - I KNOW. I'M JUST LIKE, "GRR!" - YEAH, TEN AND TWO, DOUGLAS. 25 00:00:55,054 --> 00:00:56,473 - RIGHT. - YOU KNOW WHAT? 26 00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:58,433 IF THERE WERE ANY REPUBLICANS HERE, WHOA-HO-HO-OH, 27 00:00:58,516 --> 00:01:00,143 I'D BE PISSED. 28 00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:01,853 I'D BE ROYALLY PISSED. - ME TOO. ME TOO. 29 00:01:01,936 --> 00:01:04,147 - IN FACT, I WOULD TAKE THEIR HARD-FOUGHT PRINCIPLES, 30 00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:06,524 AND I'D SHOVE IT RIGHT UP THEIR KEISTERS. 31 00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:07,984 - OF COURSE YOU WOULD. 32 00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:11,321 - WE SEEM TO BE DRIVING IN CIRCLES. 33 00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:14,157 - DON'T WORRY. WE'RE ALMOST THERE. 34 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:15,450 [tires screech] 35 00:01:15,533 --> 00:01:18,495 - LOOK, IT APPEARS WE'VE HIT SOMEBODY. 36 00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:19,662 WE SHOULD GET OUT AND HELP HIM. 37 00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:22,999 - OH! OH, MY LEG! 38 00:01:23,082 --> 00:01:24,000 OH, MY LEG. 39 00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:25,502 - OOPSY DAISY. OOPSY DAISY. 40 00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:26,503 - HERE YOU GO. 41 00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:28,963 - I AM PISSED. 42 00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:30,173 I AM ROYALLY PISSED. 43 00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:33,092 NOW, ALTHOUGH IT WAS ONLY THIS ONE MAN'S FAULT, 44 00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:36,429 I WILL BE USING ALL OF YOUR TAX DOLLARS 45 00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:37,347 TO GET HEALTHY, 46 00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:39,848 THANKS TO THE AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE ACT. 47 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,267 - I KNOW IT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR, 48 00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:43,144 BUT THAT'S SUPPOSEDLY THE LAW OF THE LAND NOWADAYS. 49 00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:46,523 - THAT'S WHAT I'VE HEARD. - YOU DON'T LOOK THAT HURT. 50 00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:49,025 - WHY Y'ALL WEARING THOSE SAME LEATHER JACKETS 51 00:01:49,108 --> 00:01:49,484 AND THOSE DAD JEANS? 52 00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:51,235 - DISPERSE! 53 00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:57,908 [woman gasps] 54 00:01:57,991 --> 00:01:59,744 - BLACK REPUBLICAN MOTHER[bleep]! 55 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:03,665 [haunting Western music] 56 00:02:03,748 --> 00:02:11,673 ♪ ♪ 57 00:02:26,728 --> 00:02:28,898 - IF WE WERE CRIMINALS ON-- 58 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:31,734 - [laughing] 59 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:34,571 - ON A TRIP TO CREATE MAYHEM, 60 00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:37,323 WHAT--WHAT STYLE CRIMINAL DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD BE? 61 00:02:37,406 --> 00:02:40,535 - I MIGHT TRY TO GO THAT NATURAL BORN KILLERS SITUATION. 62 00:02:40,618 --> 00:02:42,245 - YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT. - YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 63 00:02:42,328 --> 00:02:43,204 - WELL, THEY WERE LOVERS. - I DON'T MEAN-- 64 00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:45,415 NO, THAT'S CRAZY. - THEY WERE HAVING SEX. 65 00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:47,041 - WE WOULDN'T NECESSARILY DO THAT. 66 00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:48,251 - SO WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? - YOU KNOW WHAT MADE ME SAY IT? 67 00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:50,253 YOU SAID MAYHEM, AND THEY WERE JUST WREAKING MAYHEM. 68 00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:51,838 - NO, BUT THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO YOUR HEAD 69 00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:52,755 WAS A COUPLE... 70 00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:54,424 - BUT THAT'S-- - THAT MURDERED PEOPLE. 71 00:02:54,507 --> 00:02:55,591 - BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHEN I SAID IT. 72 00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:56,801 I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE FACT THAT THEY WERE SPREADING 73 00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:59,220 MAYHEM ALL OVER THE JIM JAM. 74 00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:00,638 - DUDE, YOU'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT IT. 75 00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:03,141 YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE SAID A PORN MOVIE. 76 00:03:05,393 --> 00:03:05,935 [indistinct chatter over police radio] 77 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,103 [camera shutter clicks] 78 00:03:07,186 --> 00:03:10,773 - IT'S A WEIRD ONE-- NOTHING OUT OF PLACE, 79 00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,692 NO MURDER WEAPON. - AND NO MOTIVE. 80 00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:15,111 THERE'S JUST A COUPLE LYING DEAD IN THEIR BED. 81 00:03:15,194 --> 00:03:18,197 - THE PROOF IS ALWAYS OUT THERE, DETECTIVES. 82 00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:20,617 YOU JUST HAVE TO KNOW WHERE TO FIND THE PUDDING. 83 00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,452 - EXCUSE ME, SIR, YOU CAN'T BE HERE--THIS IS A CRIME SCENE. 84 00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:24,787 - SAMWELL, IT'S OKAY. 85 00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:28,207 HE'S THE GREATEST SEX-CRIME INVESTIGATOR IN HISTORY. 86 00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:29,751 IF IT ISN'T DETECTIVE CHUCK VAUGHAN. 87 00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:31,127 - DETECTIVE SALLY FERGUSON. 88 00:03:31,210 --> 00:03:31,753 - WE COULD USE A GENIUS RIGHT NOW. 89 00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:34,881 - TOM SAMWELL. 90 00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:37,300 - WHAT HAVE WE GOT, SAMWELL? 91 00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:40,219 - WELL, VAUGHAN, WE'VE GOT OURSELVES A HARD CASE HERE. 92 00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:42,972 ALL WE'VE GOT IS-- - TWO BODIES, BOTH DEAD, NAKED-- 93 00:03:43,055 --> 00:03:45,600 ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN IN THE BED, 94 00:03:45,683 --> 00:03:47,602 TWO SCENTED CANDLES BY THE NIGHTSTAND. 95 00:03:47,685 --> 00:03:48,269 - HOW DID YOU-- - SHH. 96 00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:51,606 - NO SIGN OF FORCED ENTRY. 97 00:03:51,689 --> 00:03:52,732 HE LOVED THE WAY THEY SMELLED. 98 00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:54,484 [sniffing] 99 00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:55,401 HE WANTED TO CROSS THE THRESHOLD 100 00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:58,363 THE WAY THEY HAD ON THEIR WEDDING DAY. 101 00:03:58,446 --> 00:04:01,240 [sighs] YOU DIRTY DOG. 102 00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:02,700 [chuckles] 103 00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:06,663 HE WOULD'VE EXPERIENCED THAT PLEASURE RIGHT HERE. 104 00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:10,166 [pants unzip] [groaning loudly] 105 00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:19,216 ANNIVERSARY--THE COUPLE WAS TOGETHER FOR A WHILE, 106 00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:22,345 WANTED TO SPICE THINGS UP. 107 00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,263 CHECK THE DATE ON THE PHOTOGRAPH. 108 00:04:30,144 --> 00:04:31,270 - VAUGHAN'S RIGHT. 109 00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:32,772 TODAY WAS THEIR 15TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. 110 00:04:32,855 --> 00:04:35,191 THIS IS HUGE. 111 00:04:35,274 --> 00:04:38,069 - AND WHAT THE [bleep] WAS THAT? 112 00:04:38,152 --> 00:04:39,737 YOU JUST PULLED YOUR DICK OUT 113 00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:42,365 AND STARTED JERKING OFF AT THE CRIME SCENE. 114 00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,367 - SAMWELL, HE'S THE BEST THERE IS. 115 00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:47,203 BY PUTTING HIMSELF IN THE PERPETRATOR'S MIND-SET, 116 00:04:47,286 --> 00:04:48,705 HE'S ABLE TO SOLVE CRIMES THAT INVOLVE SEX. 117 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:49,914 BAG THIS UP. 118 00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:52,875 - SOME CALL IT A BLESSING. 119 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:55,128 IT'S MORE LIKE A CURSE. 120 00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:55,712 - IS THAT WHAT IT FEELS LIKE? 121 00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:58,673 - [sniffing] 122 00:04:58,756 --> 00:05:00,299 THREESOME. 123 00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:02,301 [sighs] 124 00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:05,722 YOU WANTED TO SEE THEM, DIDN'T YOU? 125 00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:09,434 YOU WANTED TO WATCH. 126 00:05:09,517 --> 00:05:11,644 25 FEET FROM THE BEDROOM, 127 00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:14,022 ACROSS THE KITCHEN, YOU... 128 00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:15,565 [huffing] 129 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:18,026 YOU DIDN'T WANT TO SEE THEIR FLESH YET, DID YOU? 130 00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:22,739 NO. HE STOOD RIGHT HERE. 131 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:25,533 [pants unzip] [groaning loudly] 132 00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:37,628 ROLE PLAY GONE WRONG. 133 00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:40,214 CHECK THE LOGS. 134 00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:47,472 - WE'VE GOT A BLOODY FIRE POKER. 135 00:05:47,555 --> 00:05:49,599 WE'VE GOT OUR MURDER WEAPON. 136 00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:52,101 - UM, WHY DO YOUR REVELATIONS 137 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,937 REQUIRE MASTURBATION? 138 00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:56,272 - WHY DO KITTENS REQUIRE MILK? 139 00:05:56,355 --> 00:05:58,566 - NOPE, NOT THE SAME THING. - HEY. 140 00:05:58,649 --> 00:06:02,570 HEY, HE'S THE MOST BRILLIANT GODDAMN DETECTIVE I KNOW. 141 00:06:02,653 --> 00:06:04,947 PUT YOUR EGO ASIDE AND GIVE VAUGHAN HIS SPACE. 142 00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:07,325 - MY EGO? WE GOT CAPTAIN PUDPULLER 143 00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:10,369 FLINGING HIS FLUIDS ALL OVER THE CRIME SCENE. 144 00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:11,496 - WAIT. 145 00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:14,332 HE KNEW THEM. 146 00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:15,458 HE-- 147 00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:17,627 THEY WERE CLOSE, SO CLOSE, TOO CLOSE. 148 00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:20,922 HE--HE... 149 00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:25,843 I THINK HE KNEW THE HOUSE. 150 00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:28,638 WHY? 151 00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:32,933 WHAT DID YOU WANT, YOU SICK BASTARD? 152 00:06:33,017 --> 00:06:36,145 YOU WANTED TO SEE... 153 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:39,315 WHAT HE SAW EVERY DAY... 154 00:06:39,398 --> 00:06:40,817 ONLY CLOSER... 155 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,360 CLOSER. 156 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:46,906 HE WAS CLOSE TO HOME. 157 00:06:46,989 --> 00:06:50,701 [groaning loudly] 158 00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:04,674 THERE'S OUR MAN. 159 00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:06,008 - ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO GET HIM. 160 00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:06,509 GO, GO! - HOW DID YOU-- 161 00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:14,267 VAUGHAN, THAT WAS AMAZING. 162 00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:17,353 I'M SORRY THAT I DOUBTED YOU. 163 00:07:17,436 --> 00:07:20,731 YOUR METHODS ARE UNORTHODOX, BUT... 164 00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:22,650 I CANNOT ARGUE WITH YOUR RESULTS. 165 00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:24,026 [zipper closes] 166 00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,154 - NO HARD FEELINGS? 167 00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:27,697 - UH, NO, NOPE, NOT GONNA DO THAT. 168 00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:35,621 - I ONLY GOT CABLE, LIKE, IN THE '90s. 169 00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:37,039 - THAT'S THE BEST TIME FOR CABLE. 170 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:40,042 - BEST TIME FOR CABLE, ESPECIALLY ON CINEMAX. 171 00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:43,588 CINEMAX DIDN'T BE SHOWING NOTHING BUT SOFT-CORE PORN. 172 00:07:43,671 --> 00:07:45,631 - THIS IS WHAT BUGS ME ABOUT THESE MOVIES. 173 00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:46,674 IT'S AN ACTION MOVIE. - MM-HMM. 174 00:07:46,757 --> 00:07:49,677 - IN THE FIRST SCENE, THE WIFE ALWAYS DIES. 175 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,053 - MM-HMM. 176 00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:53,639 - AND THEN THEY'RE RELUCTANT TO GET INTO THIS NEW RELATIONSHIP 177 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:55,224 WITH THIS HOT, YOUNG JOURNALIST... 178 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,475 - RIGHT, RIGHT. EXCUSE ME. 179 00:07:56,558 --> 00:07:59,270 - WHO'S COVERING THE--YOU KNOW. 180 00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:00,396 - KUMITE? 181 00:08:00,479 --> 00:08:01,772 - KUMITE, THANK YOU. 182 00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:02,899 - MM-HMM. [laughs] 183 00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:06,360 - AND IT'S--TO ME, IT'S ALWAYS AN EXCUSE TO, LIKE, 184 00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:09,071 LIVE THE DREAM OF HAVING TWO DIFFERENT WOMEN, 185 00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:10,740 A BRUNETTE AND A BLONDE. 186 00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:15,786 THEN I RELUCTANTLY HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH BOTH OF THEM... 187 00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:17,079 - WITH BOTH THESE GORGEOUS WOMEN, RIGHT. 188 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:17,955 - DURING THIS HOUR AND A HALF. - RIGHT. 189 00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:19,749 RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. 190 00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:21,375 - NO! MY WIFE DIED. 191 00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:22,126 - YEAH. 192 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,420 - AND NOW THIS REPORTER 193 00:08:24,503 --> 00:08:27,506 IS TRYING TO SLEEP WITH ME MONTHS LATER. 194 00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:28,090 - RIGHT. RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. 195 00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,760 - I HAVE TO GIVE IN. 196 00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:32,178 IT'S TOO MUCH. 197 00:09:11,842 --> 00:09:13,302 [man speaking indistinctly over walkie-talkie] 198 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,263 - FRONT OF HOUSE IS CLEAR. 199 00:09:15,346 --> 00:09:17,098 - HUH? DID YOU HEAR THAT? 200 00:09:21,769 --> 00:09:23,729 - MUST'VE BEEN NOTHING. 201 00:09:43,415 --> 00:09:45,793 - BACK PATIO'S CLEAR. 202 00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:30,629 [woman laughing] 203 00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:40,639 - [grunts] 204 00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:57,740 - [gasps] 205 00:10:57,823 --> 00:10:59,325 - SHH. 206 00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,711 - NOW IT'S MY TURN TO PLAY. 207 00:11:15,549 --> 00:11:17,468 - [snaps fingers] 208 00:11:17,551 --> 00:11:20,513 [gun cocks] 209 00:11:20,596 --> 00:11:22,723 [woman screams] 210 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,523 [guns cock] 211 00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:33,317 - [gasps] 212 00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:43,244 OH. 213 00:11:43,327 --> 00:11:46,747 - [chuckles] 214 00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:47,289 CAROL. 215 00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:50,292 - [gasps] TEAGUE! 216 00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:54,422 - I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU THE FIRST TIME, MR. TEAGUE. 217 00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:57,258 I PROMISE I WILL NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE TWICE. 218 00:11:57,341 --> 00:12:00,052 - [breathes deeply] 219 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:08,144 - YOU ARE A GOOD COP, MR. TEAGUE, 220 00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,146 BUT A LOUSY FIGHTER. 221 00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:11,272 - UGH! AH! 222 00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:15,151 UGH! UGH! OH! UGH! 223 00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:16,986 UGH! OH! UGH! OH! UGH! 224 00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:19,488 OH! 225 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:25,161 - NO! TEAGUE! 226 00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:25,661 NO! 227 00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:30,666 - OH, SNAP, MR. TEAGUE. 228 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,173 [body thuds] 229 00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:40,342 - SNAP INDEED. 230 00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:47,391 - OH. [chuckles] 231 00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:53,397 TEAGUE... 232 00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:55,733 YOU SAVED MY LIFE. 233 00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:57,985 - NO, CAROL... 234 00:12:58,068 --> 00:12:59,487 YOU SAVED MINE. 235 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,835 [bones crack] OH. 236 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,212 OH, [bleep]. 237 00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:17,880 OH, [bleep]. 238 00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:24,053 [bones cracking] 239 00:13:24,136 --> 00:13:25,513 THAT'S JUST-- 240 00:13:27,681 --> 00:13:30,226 [bones crack] 241 00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:45,866 - GOOD EVENING, MY FELLOW AMERICANS. 242 00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:48,911 WITH ME, AS ALWAYS, IS MY ANGER TRANSLATOR, LUTHER. 243 00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:50,871 - WHAT IT DO? - OH. 244 00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:54,750 AS YOU KNOW, FOR THE PAST SIX YEARS, UH... 245 00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:57,086 I'VE RECEIVED MY FAIR SHARE OF CRITICISM 246 00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:58,546 FROM THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. 247 00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:00,839 - I CAN'T EVEN GIVE MALIA AN ALLOWANCE 248 00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:04,510 WITHOUT THEM ACCUSING ME OF WEALTH REDISTRIBUTION! 249 00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:06,178 - IT'S ALL PART OF ROUGH-AND-TUMBLE POLITICS. 250 00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:11,100 - I HATE YOU! 251 00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:14,687 - UH, IN RECENT YEARS, I'VE ALSO RECEIVED A GOOD AMOUNT 252 00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:18,274 OF CRITICISM FROM MY FELLOW DEMOCRATS. 253 00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:19,441 - OH, MY GOD, THESE MOTHER[bleep] RIGHT HERE-- 254 00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:23,362 HOW AM I S--OH. 255 00:14:23,445 --> 00:14:24,822 DO THESE--I'M GONNA GET 'EM. 256 00:14:24,905 --> 00:14:26,448 I'M GONNA GET THESE-- 257 00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,033 TELL ME-- 258 00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:30,160 I'MA--NOT YOU, THOUGH. 259 00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:31,954 [groans] 260 00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:35,332 I'MA BUST ALL YOU [bleep] IN THE LIP. 261 00:14:35,415 --> 00:14:37,501 - NOW, I KNOW 262 00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:39,753 THE RIGHT TO EXPRESS ONE'S OPINION 263 00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:40,963 ABOUT THE POWERS THAT BE 264 00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:44,300 IS THE VERY THING THAT MAKES THIS COUNTRY GREAT. 265 00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:45,968 - LIKE I AIN'T GOT ENOUGH [bleep] TO DO! 266 00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:49,179 WE GOT A JAMES BOND VILLAIN RUNNING RUSSIA! 267 00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:51,140 I GOT A CONGRESS FULL OF TEA BAGGERS! 268 00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:53,225 THE EARTH IS BURNING UP! 269 00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:55,519 AND NOW I GOT TO DEAL WITH ALL THESE WHINY-ASS BIOTCHES 270 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,354 FROM MY OWN PARTY! 271 00:14:57,438 --> 00:15:01,025 - SOME HAVE CITED MY INABILITY TO MAKE GOOD 272 00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:03,611 ON MY CAMPAIGN PROMISE TO, UH... 273 00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:05,821 CLOSE GUANTANAMO BAY. 274 00:15:05,904 --> 00:15:07,531 - CONGRESS SHUT ME DOWN! 275 00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:09,408 I'M A PRESIDENT, Y'ALL! 276 00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:11,952 I'M A PRESIDENT, NOT A KING! 277 00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:12,494 THEY CHECKED AND BALANCED MY ASS! 278 00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:16,165 I MEAN, GODDAMN! 279 00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:19,501 - AND THEN THERE ARE THOSE ON THE LEFT 280 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,420 WHO HAVE CRITICIZED MY CONTINUED USAGE 281 00:15:21,503 --> 00:15:23,422 OF DRONE STRIKES. 282 00:15:23,505 --> 00:15:25,132 - YOU KNOW WHAT? 283 00:15:25,215 --> 00:15:27,384 Y'ALL CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS, MAN! 284 00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:30,179 WHAT DO YOU--YOU CAN'T HAVE THE SOLDIERS COMING HOME 285 00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:32,931 HUGGING THE MOMS AND THEN ALSO AT THE SAME TIME 286 00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:33,599 HAVE ME KILLING-- 287 00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:36,560 WITH THE--IN THE CAVES! 288 00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:38,937 Y'ALL SHOULD BE EMBRACING THIS TECHNOLOGY 289 00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:40,356 'CAUSE IT'S PRETTY AMAZING, MAN. 290 00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:41,690 IT'S AWESOME. ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS PICK UP THE PHONE 291 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,484 AND SAY, "EXCUSE ME, I'D LIKE TO ORDER TWO DEAD TERRORISTS." 292 00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,027 BLIP. KABLAM! 293 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:47,279 - LUTHER. - IT'S AMAZING! 294 00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:52,159 I MEAN, WE CAN MURDER PEOPLE WITH FLYING ROBOTS! 295 00:15:52,242 --> 00:15:53,369 - LUTHER, LUTHER-- 296 00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:54,620 - IT'S LIKE WE IN STAR WARS WORLD, DOG. 297 00:15:54,703 --> 00:15:55,579 AND I'M DARTH VADER UP IN THIS BITCH. 298 00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:56,747 I'M LIKE--I KNOW YOU ARE-- 299 00:15:56,830 --> 00:16:00,668 [indistinct chatter coming from drone] 300 00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:09,343 LUTHER, WHAT IS WRONG IN YOUR HEAD? 301 00:16:09,426 --> 00:16:12,471 WHY WOULD YOU COMPARE THE PRESIDENT 302 00:16:12,554 --> 00:16:15,182 TO ONE OF THE LORDS OF THE SITH? 303 00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:19,937 - THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT. 304 00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:22,106 [indistinct chatter coming from drone] 305 00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:30,906 IF OBAMA NEEDED TO SNUGGLE, I'D SNUGGLE. 306 00:16:30,989 --> 00:16:33,617 - YEAH, I'D SPOON THE PRESIDENT IN A SECOND. 307 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,452 - YOU WOULD GET SPOONED BY THE PRESIDENT. 308 00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:37,287 - UH-OH. - YOU CAN'T--YOU CAN'T RISK 309 00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:40,499 PAPARAZZI COMING UP AND SEEING YOU SPOONING HIM. 310 00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:42,543 - YEAH, BUT THAT'D BE A BOOST FOR MY CAREER. 311 00:16:42,626 --> 00:16:44,837 - ANY OF THIS, ANY MOMENT. 312 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:48,090 - IN ANY CONFIGURATION, SPOON, SPOONER, OR SPOONEE... 313 00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:49,591 - YOU'RE GONNA BE-- - I'M IN GOOD SHAPE. 314 00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,301 - YOU'RE LIKE A MODERN-DAY MARILYN MONROE. 315 00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:53,804 - OH, HELL, YEAH. I'M ON THE COVER OF IN TOUCH FOR A WEEK. 316 00:16:53,887 --> 00:16:54,805 - TALK ABOUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. PRESIDENT. 317 00:16:54,888 --> 00:16:58,267 - YEAH, I'M IN JUST-- YOU KIDDING ME? 318 00:16:58,350 --> 00:17:00,310 GET UP IN THERE AND GET SOME SLIPPERS ON. 319 00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:01,937 PLAY A LITTLE BASKETBALL BEFOREHAND. 320 00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:03,230 TAKE A SHOWER. 321 00:17:03,313 --> 00:17:05,190 PUT ON THE NIGHT CLOTHES. 322 00:17:05,273 --> 00:17:07,067 YOU READY, O? YOU READY, BARAMA? 323 00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:08,109 BARAMA. 324 00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:13,615 [both laughing] 325 00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,617 [piped music playing] 326 00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:17,202 - SO YOU GOT TO KEEP THE TOPPINGS FULL. 327 00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:19,163 - OKAY, GOT IT. I'M ON TOP OF THAT. 328 00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:20,455 - YOU GONNA FIT IN JUST FINE HERE. 329 00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:22,958 HEY, SOMEDAY... 330 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,127 THAT MIGHT BE YOUR PICTURE ON THE WALL. 331 00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:28,088 - OH, EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR. 332 00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:29,298 WHEN DOES SHE WORK? 333 00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:30,799 - WHAT? 334 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,802 - I WAS JUST WONDERING WHEN SHE WORKS. 335 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:38,140 - GIRL, IT'S ME. 336 00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:40,559 - OH... 337 00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:42,728 CONGRATS. 338 00:17:42,811 --> 00:17:45,481 - NOW, HERE'S THE BEST PART ABOUT WORKING AT A YOGURT SHOP, 339 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,274 IS YOU GET ALL THE FREE FROYO YOU WANT. 340 00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:48,400 MM-HMM. 341 00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:49,568 AND YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HOW DELICIOUS IT IS 342 00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:51,528 AND ALSO FAT FREE. 343 00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:53,197 THANK GOD, BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND-- 344 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,532 HE JUST GOT BACK FROM HIS TOUR IN AFGHANISTAN, 345 00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:56,825 AND HE'S COMING HERE TO PICK ME UP. 346 00:17:56,909 --> 00:18:01,288 HE SHOULD BE HERE IN A MINUTE. I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN A YEAR. 347 00:18:01,371 --> 00:18:02,664 - A WHOLE YEAR, YOU SAY. 348 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:05,709 - MM-HMM. HAVE SOME. 349 00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:07,795 - I'M GOOD. 350 00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:09,838 - NOW, IF YOU NEED A EXTRA SHIRT OR ANYTHING, 351 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:12,424 THEY GONNA BE IN THERE, BECAUSE THESE SEEM TO SHRINK. 352 00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:13,675 - UH-HUH. - OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, GIRL? 353 00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:15,677 I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THIS STUFF. 354 00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,554 I MEAN, YOU SHOULD HAVE SOME. IT'S FREE. 355 00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:19,890 - NO, I'M OKAY. I'M--I'LL HAVE SOME LATER. 356 00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:23,560 - COME ON, GIRL, IT'S FAT FREE. 357 00:18:26,146 --> 00:18:27,898 - HI. I JUST GOT BACK FROM AFGHANISTAN. 358 00:18:27,981 --> 00:18:29,775 I'M HERE LOOKING FOR MY GIRLFRIEND, LATIA. 359 00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:31,276 - AAH! 360 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,861 BABY! 361 00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:35,531 BABY, WHAT--WHAT? IT'S ME. 362 00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:38,283 - NO, IT'S NOT. 363 00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:41,328 - WHAT? IT'S ME. 364 00:18:41,411 --> 00:18:43,330 - APPARENTLY SHE DOESN'T WORK HERE ANYMORE. 365 00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:44,665 THANKS. 366 00:18:44,748 --> 00:18:47,459 - WHAT? 367 00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:50,712 OH, MY GOD! HE'S LEAVING ME! 368 00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:53,882 DESMONA, IS HE LEAVING ME? DESMONA, WHY WOULD HE LEAVE ME? 369 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:57,845 WHAT--WHAT POSSIBLE REASON COULD THERE BE FOR HIM LEAVING ME? 370 00:18:57,928 --> 00:19:00,764 FOR HIM LEAVING ME? 371 00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:03,684 - MAYBE HE-- MAYBE HE GOT THAT PSD. PSD. 372 00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:06,311 - WHAT? OH, YOU MEAN THE PTSDs? - THE PTSDs. 373 00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:08,981 - YOU MEAN THE POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER. 374 00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:10,983 [crying] IT'S GOT TO BE THAT. 375 00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:15,737 OH, MY GOD! MY BABY GOT THE PTSD! 376 00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:17,573 MY BABY GOT THE PTSD! 377 00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:21,034 THAT COULD BE THE ONLY REASON! 378 00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:21,910 OH, MY BABY! 379 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:26,748 MY POOR, POOR BABY GOT THE PTSDs! 380 00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:29,334 OH, MY BABY! 381 00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:32,296 [wailing] 382 00:19:39,177 --> 00:19:41,179 AIN'T NOBODY CARING ABOUT CENTAURS. 383 00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:41,930 THESE DUDES JUST RUNNING AROUND RAPING WOMEN. 384 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,099 - CENTAURS? - HUMAN WOMEN. 385 00:19:44,182 --> 00:19:45,392 OH, YEAH, THEM TOO. THEY WERE BAD AT IT. 386 00:19:45,475 --> 00:19:48,312 - HOW DOES A CENTAUR EVEN HAVE SEX WITH A HUMAN? 387 00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:49,354 - OH, THEY DO IT. 388 00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:53,817 IF I WAS A WOMAN AND I SAW A CENTAUR, 389 00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:55,694 WHY WOULD I NOT GET UP ON THAT? 390 00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:58,530 THE DUDE IS HALF MAN, HALF HORSE. 391 00:19:58,614 --> 00:20:00,449 - YOU WOULD WANT--WAIT. - I'M JUST SAYING. 392 00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,284 - YOU'RE SAYING IF YOU WERE A WOMAN-- 393 00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:03,827 - IF I'M A WOMAN 394 00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:06,371 AND THE CENTAUR HAD A REALLY NICE PERSONALITY, YOU KNOW... 395 00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:08,874 - PERSONALITY ASIDE, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? 396 00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:10,292 - YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING. 397 00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,627 THE DUDE IS HALF MAN... 398 00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:13,462 - YOU WOULD [bleep] A HORSE. 399 00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,422 - HALF--NO. HALF MAN, HALF HORSE. 400 00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:18,425 - SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH A-- 401 00:20:18,508 --> 00:20:20,594 - THE IMPORTANT HALF IS A-- IS THE HORSE HALF, 402 00:20:20,677 --> 00:20:22,304 BUT THEN YOU HAVE A MAN CONNECTED IN THERE TOO. 403 00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:23,472 THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING. 404 00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:25,098 - DUDE, THAT IS THE CRAZIEST, SICKEST [bleep] 405 00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:27,476 YOU'VE EVER SAID IN YOUR [bleep] LIFE. 406 00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:29,478 - I'M TALKING ABOUT A MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE. 407 00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:31,521 - DUDE, YOU COULD'VE SAID "I WOULD HAVE SEX 408 00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:33,982 WITH A FEMALE CENTAUR," AND JUST-- 409 00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,652 - I WOULDN'T. I WOULDN'T HAVE SEX WITH A FEMALE CENTAUR. 410 00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:38,654 - BUT YOU WOULD HAVE SEX WITH A MALE CENTAUR. 411 00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:41,740 - IF I--PERHAPS IF I WAS A WOMAN AND I HAD THAT-- 412 00:20:41,823 --> 00:20:44,701 - DIDN'T YOU SEE FANTASIA? - YEAH. 413 00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:47,120 - THOSE FEMALE CENTAURS WAS HOT. - OH, MY GOD. 414 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:48,872 I-- - BUT, OKAY, NO, I GOT YOU. 415 00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:51,124 - NO, BUT I'M JUST SAYING-- 416 00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:52,501 - YOU WOULD RATHER HAVE SEX WITH A MALE CENTAUR 417 00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:53,752 THAN A FEMALE CENTAUR. - NOT ME. 418 00:20:53,835 --> 00:20:55,629 - ♪ I'M GONNA DO MY ONE LINE HERE ♪ 419 00:20:55,712 --> 00:20:57,631 - OH, YEAH. 420 00:21:00,926 --> 00:21:03,887 - [groaning] 421 00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:07,349 [laughs] 422 00:21:10,018 --> 00:21:10,936 [wailing] 29774

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