All language subtitles for Whitney Cummings Money Shot (2010) (1080p WEBRip x265 YOGI)

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:07,007 [splat] 2 00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:09,210 (Whitney Cummings) FROM MY HOMETOWN, WASHINGTON, D.C., 3 00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:10,778 PLEASE WELCOME... 4 00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:12,213 ME. 5 00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:15,249 [cheers, whistles, applause] 6 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:21,055 * 7 00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:24,158 [cheers, whistles, applause] 8 00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:34,668 * 9 00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:36,970 WHAT IS UP, D.C.? COME ON! 10 00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:38,639 COME ON! 11 00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:40,241 [cheers, whistles, applause] 12 00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:43,010 WOW, D.C.! MY HOMETOWN, BITCHES! 13 00:00:43,111 --> 00:00:44,678 COME ON! 14 00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:48,549 [cheers, whistles, applause] 15 00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:51,519 I AM WEARING SO MUCH MAKEUP RIGHT NOW, GUYS, 16 00:00:51,619 --> 00:00:54,054 I AM LIKE THE CHRISTINA AGUILERA OF COMEDY. 17 00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:55,589 GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAKEUP. 18 00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:57,057 COME ON! 19 00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:59,860 [cheers, whistles, applause] 20 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,029 THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME! 21 00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:05,099 I-- SO GOOD TO BE HOME. I LOVE D.C. SO MUCH. 22 00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:06,834 I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN SO LONG. 23 00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:08,336 FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND, 24 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,138 OUR MAYOR DOES NOT DO DRUGS ANYMORE. 25 00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:12,906 IS THAT WHAT I--- SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE? 26 00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,909 BUT, UH, NOW THAT I'M A COMEDIAN I TRAVEL SO MUCH NOW 27 00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:18,011 AND MY FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN I FLY 28 00:01:18,112 --> 00:01:20,148 IS READ THIS MAGAZINE CALLED COSMOPOLITAN. 29 00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:21,915 LADIES, DO WE READ THIS MAGAZINE? 30 00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:23,817 [women whooping] 31 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,353 THIS MAGAZINE BASICALLY TEACHES US 32 00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:26,920 HOW TO BE SLUTS, RIGHT? 33 00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:28,422 [laughter] 34 00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:30,158 LIKE, THERE WAS AN ARTICLE IN THERE. 35 00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:33,861 IT WAS LIKE, "HOW TO TURN ON YOUR GUY." 36 00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:36,297 - HE'S A GUY. - [laughter] 37 00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:39,099 - TAKE OFF A SOCK, OKAY? - [laughter, applause] 38 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,534 THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE. 39 00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,403 IT WAS LIKE, "FOR ADVENTUROUS SEX, 40 00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:44,538 "SURPRISE YOUR MAN AT WORK 41 00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,207 FOR A QUICKIE." 42 00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:48,309 I'M LIKE, I CANNOT SURPRISE MY MAN AT WORK 43 00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:49,843 FOR A QUICKIE, OKAY? 44 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:52,780 HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB. 45 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,315 WHAT, I'M GONNA GO UP TO HIM 46 00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:55,949 WHILE HE'S WATCHING SPORTS ON THE COUCH, 47 00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:58,252 "SURPRISE"? 48 00:01:58,352 --> 00:02:00,221 THEN THERE WAS THE WHOLE SECTION-- I SWEAR TO GOD-- 49 00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:02,390 ON SEX "TRICKS." 50 00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:04,858 TRICKS? I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANY TRICKS IN THE BEDROOM. 51 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,961 I HAVE A VAGINA, OKAY? 52 00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:11,232 TA-DA! 53 00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:13,767 I JUST GET TO TAKE A TYLENOL P.M. AND LIE THERE. 54 00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:15,269 THAT'S ALL I'M DOING. 55 00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:17,371 [laughter, applause] 56 00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,940 YOU DON'T WANT MY VAGINA DOING TRICKS. 57 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,709 WHAT IF I WAS JUST LIKE, WAA-LAH! 58 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:22,910 A BIRD FLEW OUT. 59 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:26,914 [laughter, applause] 60 00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:28,649 AND THEN THERE WAS A WHOLE SECTION, 61 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:31,619 IT WAS LIKE, "HOW TO MAKE YOUR MAN SCREAM 62 00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:33,153 IN THE BEDROOM." 63 00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:35,889 GUYS, YOU ARE NEVER... 64 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,259 SUPPOSED TO SCREAM... 65 00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:39,860 IN THE BEDROOM. 66 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,162 THAT IS SO GAY. 67 00:02:42,263 --> 00:02:43,964 [laughter, applause] 68 00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:45,599 OKAY? I DON'T CARE IF A PIRANHA 69 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,134 IS GNAWING ON YOUR BUTT HOLE, OKAY? 70 00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:48,636 I DON'T CARE. 71 00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:50,404 [laughter, applause] 72 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,973 AND THEN THERE WAS A WHOLE SECTION ON "ROLE PLAY," 73 00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:54,642 WHICH I GUESS PEOPLE DO THAT NOW. 74 00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:57,110 THEY DRESS UP IN COSTUMES AND FUCK EACH OTHER. 75 00:02:57,211 --> 00:02:58,879 AND, UH, 76 00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:00,514 - THERE WAS-- - (man) YEAH! 77 00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,350 APPARENTLY, THE MOST POPULAR ROLE-PLAY FANTASY 78 00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:04,452 IS THE "NURSE" FANTASY-- WHICH I DON'T EVEN KNOW. 79 00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:06,787 LIKE, IF I WAS GONNA DO THE "NURSE" FANTASY FOR MY MAN, 80 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,055 I WOULD JUST MAKE HIM 81 00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:10,658 WAIT IN THE LIVING ROOM... 82 00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,426 FOR AN HOUR, 83 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:15,429 AND MAKE HIM READ HIGHLIGHTS MAGAZINE... 84 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:18,098 BEFORE REJECTING HIS HEALTH INSURANCE, OKAY? 85 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,634 THAT'S HOW THAT WOULD GO DOWN. 86 00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:22,870 YOU'RE IDIOTS... 87 00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:24,572 MAKING US DRESS UP IN COSTUMES. 88 00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:27,140 LADIES, NEXT TIME YOUR MAN ASKS YOU TO DRESS UP 89 00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:28,842 IN A FRIGGIN' COSTUME TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM, 90 00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:31,044 GO TO THE BATHROOM, TELL HIM YOU'RE GONNA 91 00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:32,646 SLIP INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE, 92 00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,315 COME OUT IN A WEDDING DRESS, OKAY? 93 00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:36,617 [laughter, oh's] 94 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:39,152 [humming The Wedding March] * DA, DA, DA-DA 95 00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,121 * DA-- GET A BABY STROLLER. 96 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,990 [laughter] 97 00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,792 HE'LL NEVER GET AN ERECTION AGAIN. 98 00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:47,328 IT'S AWESOME. 99 00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,630 I JUST DON'T LIKE ALL THESE ROLE-PLAY FANTASIES, 100 00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:52,165 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE THE GUY IS ALWAYS VERY AUTHORITATIVE, 101 00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:54,134 AND THE WOMAN IS ALWAYS, LIKE, SO WEAK, YOU KNOW? 102 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,604 IT'S LIKE THE GUY IS ALWAYS, LIKE, A LAWYER OR, LIKE, A DOCTOR, 103 00:03:56,704 --> 00:03:58,672 AND THE WOMAN'S ALWAYS, LIKE, A SECRETARY. 104 00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:01,174 THE GUY'S, LIKE, A PROFESSOR AND THE WOMAN'S A SCHOOLGIRL. 105 00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,210 WHEN YOU GUYS DO THIS, YOU'RE JUST REMINDING US 106 00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:05,212 OF ALL THE JOBS YOU DON'T HAVE IN REAL LIFE. 107 00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:07,281 HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF BEING A DOCTOR IN THE BEDROOM, 108 00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:09,049 HOW 'BOUT JUST BE A FUCKING DOCTOR? 109 00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,218 HOW 'BOUT THAT? THAT'S... 110 00:04:11,319 --> 00:04:13,421 I DID HAVE A GUY DO THIS TO ME ONCE. 111 00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:15,489 I HAD A GUY SAY TO ME-- I SWEAR TO GOD-- HE WAS LIKE, 112 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,224 "I WANT YOU TO BE A STRIPPER FOR ME." 113 00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:19,226 I WAS LIKE, 114 00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:21,862 "UH, YOU WANT ME TO BE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE... 115 00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,764 "AND TAKE YOUR MONEY? 116 00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:26,767 I'VE BEEN DOIN' THAT SINCE WE FREAKIN' MET, OKAY?" 117 00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:29,470 ALL I NEED IS SOME SELF-TANNER AND A SHITTY SUN TATTOO, 118 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:31,138 AND I'M READY TO ROCK THIS RIGHT NOW. 119 00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:32,640 LET'S GO. 120 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,274 DEAD EYES. 121 00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:37,811 [laughter, applause] 122 00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,283 I DON'T KNOW-- I JUST WAS LIKE, "DUDE, I AM NOT DOING 123 00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:46,387 THE STRIPPER FANTASY." I TOLD HIM, I WAS LIKE, "CAN WE JUST COMPROMISE? 124 00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,356 "HOW 'BOUT I THROW SOME GLITTER ON YOUR BALLS, 125 00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:50,958 AND WE WATCH AMERICAN IDOL. HOW ABOUT THAT?" 126 00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:53,527 I JUST THINK YOU CAN'T DO THE STRIPPER FANTASY 127 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,763 UNLESS YOU HAVE A STRIPPER BODY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 128 00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:57,431 LIKE, IF I WAS GONNA, LIKE, GET NAKED 129 00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:59,467 AND DANCE AROUND, YOU KNOW, THAT POLE, 130 00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,735 YOU GUYS WOULDN'T BE LIKE, "OH, LOOK AT THAT STRIPPER." 131 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:04,372 YOU'D BE LIKE, "WHAT IS THAT EUROPEAN BOY DOIN' ON A JUNGLE GYM?" 132 00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:08,709 [laughter, applause] 133 00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:11,679 I JUST FEEL LIKE OUR SOCIETY IS OBSESSED WITH STRIPPERS. 134 00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:14,047 LIKE, AT MY GYM IN L.A., THERE'S A CLASS CALLED 135 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,849 "STRIPTEASE AEROBICS." 136 00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,985 RIGHT? IT'S LIKE, GET IN SHAPE LIKE A STRIPPER. 137 00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:21,389 WHAT, IS A PIMP GONNA CHASE ME AROUND THE GYM FOR AN HOUR, 138 00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:24,958 AND I GET TO DO FRICKIN' BLOW-- WHAT IS THIS CLASS?... 139 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:26,894 I'M IN. 140 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:30,498 [laughter, cheers, applause] 141 00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:32,633 I'M JUST NOT ADVENTUROUS LIKE THAT. 142 00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:34,768 LIKE, I HAD A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE ASK ME RECENTLY, SHE'S LIKE, 143 00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,236 "HAVE YOU EVER MADE A SEX TAPE?" 144 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,938 SHE'S A SLUT. UM... 145 00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,607 [laughter] 146 00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:41,575 I FEEL LIKE GUYS CAN MAKE SEX TAPES, RIGHT? 147 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,644 'CAUSE YOU GUYS, YOU'RE LIKE, EMOTIONALLY UNATTACHED. 148 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,746 LIKE, YOU CAN MAKE A SEX TAPE WITH SOME GIRL, YOU KNOW, 149 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,815 FROM LIKE, 10 YEARS AGO, POP IN IT NOW AND BE LIKE, 150 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:50,117 - [macho voice] "OH, YEAH!" - [laughter] 151 00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:52,720 I DON'T KNOW WHY I THINK ALL GUYS JERK-OFF LIKE THAT. 152 00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,288 - WHY DO-- WHY IS THAT? - [laughter continues] 153 00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:59,159 LIKE-- [grunting]-- JUST LIKE... [grunting] 154 00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:01,529 JUST LIKE, ALWAYS STANDING UP. 155 00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:04,565 LIKE, HUNCHED OVER LIKE... 156 00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:07,468 LIKE A TROLL OR SOMETHING. LIKE, [grunting]-- 157 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:09,570 AND YOU GO-- YOU LIKE, GROWL-- ARR, ARR. 158 00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,972 LIKE-- AND IT'S ALWAYS UNDER A BRIDGE. 159 00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:14,174 LIKE, WHY DO I THINK THAT? 160 00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:16,510 BUT YOU GUYS CAN WATCH SEX TAPES. RIGHT? 161 00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:19,547 ALL YOU GUYS HAVE TO DO IS BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH. LOOK AT MY BALLS. OH, YEAH." 162 00:06:19,647 --> 00:06:21,348 'CAUSE YOU GUYS LOVE YOUR BALLS. 163 00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:23,016 YOU GOT TO SEE YOUR BALLS, AND YOU'RE STOKED, 164 00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:25,152 'CAUSE YOU GUYS-- YOU LOVE YOUR BALLS, RIGHT? 165 00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,687 YOU THINK THOSE THINGS ARE AWESOME. 166 00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:28,456 YOU THINK THEY'RE SO GREAT. 167 00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:31,158 NEWS FLASH-- THEY'RE TERRIBLE. 168 00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:33,561 THEY ARE DISGUSTING. 169 00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:34,962 THEY'RE EMBARRASSING. 170 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,396 THEY ARE AWFUL. 171 00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:38,131 CAN SOMEONE JUST EXPLAIN, 172 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,533 WHY DO ALL BALLS LOOK LIKE 173 00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,702 THEY'RE 150-YEARS-OLD? 174 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:45,506 [laughter, cheers, applause] 175 00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:48,609 [women cheering] 176 00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:52,045 LIKE, CAN YOU PUT SOME SUNSCREEN ON THAT, PLEASE? 177 00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:54,648 MAYBE SOME LIP BALM OR SOMETHING-- THAT'D BE GOOD. 178 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:57,851 AND THEY'RE ALWAYS ASHY. WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS... 179 00:06:57,951 --> 00:07:00,220 BUT THEY'RE ALSO, LIKE, STICKY AT THE SAME TIME, 180 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,690 SO IT'S LIKE, WHAT IS THE TEMPERATURE DOWN THERE? 181 00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,324 I CANNOT FIGURE IT OUT. 182 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,227 WHAT IS THAT WETNESS GOING ON? 183 00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:09,096 LIKE, WHAT IS THAT? IT'S TEARS. IT'S PROBABLY TEARS. 184 00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,198 THEY'RE CRYING, 'CAUSE THEY KNOW HOW UGLY THEY ARE. 185 00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:13,066 THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON. 186 00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:15,268 THEY LOOK LIKE THAT THING HANGING OFF A ROOSTER'S CHIN, 187 00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,270 JUST RIGHT...UGH. 188 00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:20,474 OH, AND YOU GUYS ARE SHAVING 'EM NOW-- YOU THINK THAT HELPS? 189 00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,576 DO NOT SHAVE YOUR BALLS. 190 00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:24,277 THE LAST THING THOSE THINGS NEED TO BE ARE MORE VISIBLE. 191 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:25,913 NO WAY. 192 00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:28,248 GROW IT OUT, COVER UP THOSE WEIRD, 193 00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:30,784 BROWN SPLOTCHES AND...VEINS. 194 00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:33,654 THEY'RE AWFUL. THEY LOOK LIKE DRIED FRUIT. 195 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:35,889 YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES. 196 00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:38,659 HOW DARE YOU? 197 00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,694 BUT, LIKE, WOMEN, WE CAN'T MAKE SEX TAPES. 198 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:43,030 WE'RE TOO EMOTIONAL, RIGHT? WE'RE TOO SENSITIVE. 199 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,132 LIKE, IF I WERE TO MAKE A SEX TAPE WITH SOME GUY, YOU KNOW, FROM LIKE, 200 00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:48,035 FIVE YEARS AGO, POP IN IT NOW, I WOULDN'T BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH!" 201 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:51,404 I'D BE LIKE, [crying mockingly] "OH, MY GOD. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. 202 00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:53,641 "I'M GONNA FIND HIM ON FACEBOOK. 203 00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:55,475 - I'M GONNA..." - [laughter] 204 00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,511 I'M JUST NOT LIKE THAT. 205 00:07:57,611 --> 00:07:59,847 LOOK, I HAVE GIRLFRIENDS WHO WILL TEXT-MESSAGE 206 00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:01,982 NAKED PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES TO THEIR MAN, 207 00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:04,084 WHICH I GUESS THE WHOLE POINT OF THAT IS TO BE LIKE, 208 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,319 "OH, HERE'S WHAT'S WAITIN' FOR YOU AT HOME, BIG BOY... 209 00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:07,955 PHOTOS." 210 00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:09,857 IF I WAS TO DO 211 00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:11,825 A "HERE'S WHAT'S WAITIN' FOR YOU AT HOME" PHOTO SHOOT, 212 00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:14,227 I WOULD TAKE SOME PICTURES OF THE FRICKIN' DISHES, OKAY? 213 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:15,896 THE BILLS RIGHT NOW. 214 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,832 MY VAGINA'S NOT WAITING FOR YOU AT HOME AT ALL. 215 00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,934 IT'S TRYIN' TO BOOK ME AN ACTING JOB. 216 00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,671 IT IS VERY BUSY RIGHT NOW. I'M JUST NOT SEXY LIKE THAT. 217 00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:26,807 I FEEL LIKE GIRLS ARE SEXY NOW. I'M NOT A SEXY GIRLFRIEND. 218 00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:28,475 ALL I DO IN RELATIONSHIPS IS FIGHT. 219 00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:30,443 THAT'S ALL I EVER DO IN RELATIONSHIPS. 220 00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:33,647 BUT THE THING IS THAT WOMEN-- WE ARE AMAZING FIGHTERS, RIGHT? 221 00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:36,684 - [women whooping] - WE ARE AMAZING FIGHTERS. 222 00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:39,119 WE ARE LIKE EMOTIONAL NINJAS, 223 00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:41,254 - RIGHT? - [laughter] 224 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:44,625 OUR FAVORITE TACTIC IS THE SILENT TREATMENT. THAT IS OUR JAM, RIGHT? 225 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:46,526 OUR MAN PISSES US OFF-- "HE PISSED ME OFF. 226 00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:48,528 "I'M NOT GONNA TALK TO HIM FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. 227 00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:50,297 I'M GONNA SHOW HIM." 228 00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:53,466 LADIES, "THE SILENT TREATMENT" IS NOT A PUNISHMENT. 229 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,703 [laughter, applause] 230 00:08:57,938 --> 00:09:00,808 IT'S A FREAKIN' REWARD, OKAY? 231 00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:03,010 HE'S LIKE, "OH, THANK GOD SHE SHUT THE HELL UP. 232 00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:05,846 "OH, MY GOD. I LOVE THE SILENT TREATMENT. 233 00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:09,650 "I GET TO WATCH SPORTSCENTER AGAIN TODAY. 234 00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:13,486 I'M GONNA FORGET HER BIRTHDAY EVERY YEAR." 235 00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,155 LADIES, NEXT TIME YOUR MAN PISSES YOU OFF, 236 00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,224 DO NOT GIVE HIM "THE SILENT TREATMENT." 237 00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:20,861 INSTEAD, GO GOOGLE THE MOST IMPORTANT GAME OF THE SEASON, 238 00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:22,696 SIT NEXT TO HIM DURING THAT GAME, 239 00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:25,565 AND JUST ASK AS MANY... 240 00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:27,434 FUCKING QUESTIONS... 241 00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,202 AS POSSIBLE. 242 00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:30,771 "I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 243 00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:34,207 "WHO'S THAT GUY IN THE STRIPED SHIRT? 244 00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:37,711 "DOES HE WORK AT FOOT LOCKER? 245 00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,512 "I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 246 00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:41,782 "WHY ARE THEY ALL WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT? 247 00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:44,284 WHEN ARE WE GONNA HAVE A BABY?" 248 00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,486 EVENTUALLY, HE WILL SHOOT HIMSELF IN THE FACE, 249 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,188 AND YOU FUCKING WIN THAT ARGUMENT. 250 00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:50,724 [laughter, applause] 251 00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:52,559 YOU CANNOT DEFEAT A WOMAN 252 00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,327 IN AN ARGUMENT, RIGHT? IT'S NEVER HAPPENED. 253 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,396 'CAUSE WOMEN, 254 00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:58,265 WE NEVER EXPRESS THE EMOTIONS WE'RE ACTUALLY FEELING, RIGHT? 255 00:09:58,365 --> 00:10:00,233 WHEN WE ARE MOST PISSED OFF, YOU GUYS, WHAT DO WE SAY? 256 00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:02,069 [happy voice] "I'M FINE." 257 00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:05,472 "I'M FINE" MEANS I'M ABOUT TO STAB YOU IN THE NECK. 258 00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:07,240 - [laughter] - OKAY? 259 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:09,409 WOMEN ARE VERY TRICKY. WE'RE VERY MISLEADING, RIGHT? 260 00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:12,145 NOT ONLY EMOTIONALLY, ALSO PHYSICALLY, WOMEN ARE MISLEADING. 261 00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:14,514 LIKE, YOU'LL SEE A GIRL OUT AT A BAR. SHE'S LIKE, 5'7". 262 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:17,350 YOU TAKE HER HOME. THE SHOES COME OFF. SHE'S A GNOME, RIGHT? 263 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,252 [laughter] 264 00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:21,121 WE'RE THE SAME WAY EMOTIONALLY, AND WE ALWAYS EXPRESS 265 00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:22,823 THE OPPOSITE EMOTION WE'RE FEELING. 266 00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:25,192 WE DO IT WITH OTHER WOMEN, TOO, RIGHT? 267 00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,094 WE'RE ALWAYS, LIKE, THE OPPOSITE WITH WOMEN. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. 268 00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:29,262 LIKE, ONE WOMAN HATES ANTHER WOMAN. 269 00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:31,164 THE WOMEN SHE HATES WALKS IN THE DOOR-- IT'S LIKE, 270 00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,133 "I CAN'T STAND THAT BITCH. I CANNOT STAND THAT BITCH. 271 00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,668 I HATE THAT BITCH. I CANNOT STAND THAT LITTLE SLUT." 272 00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,870 [high-pitched voice] "OH, HI!" 273 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:40,674 YOU CANNOT FUCK WITH THAT KIND OF CRAZY, OKAY? 274 00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:43,143 [laughter, applause] 275 00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:46,446 BUT I FEEL LIKE ALL WE WANT YOU GUYS TO DO 276 00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:47,915 IS ASK US HOW WE'RE FEELING, RIGHT? 277 00:10:48,015 --> 00:10:49,783 ASK US, "WHAT'S WRONG?" 278 00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:52,019 YOU FINALLY ASK US WHAT'S WRONG, WHAT DO WE SAY? 279 00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:53,653 "NOTHING." EVEN IF WE DO ADMIT IT, IT'S LIKE, 280 00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,923 "YEAH, SOMETHING'S WRONG, 281 00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:57,725 "BUT IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU." 282 00:10:57,825 --> 00:10:59,592 GUYS, LET ME EXPLAIN THAT TO YOU, OKAY? 283 00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:02,362 USUALLY WHEN WE'RE PISSED OFF AT YOU BUT DON'T TELL YOU WHY, 284 00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:06,566 IT'S BECAUSE WE SNOOPED THROUGH YOUR SHIT, OKAY? 285 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,869 CELL PHONES-- WE FOUND SOMETHING INCRIMINATING, 286 00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:10,603 BUT WE CAN'T YELL AT YOU ABOUT IT, 287 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:13,006 'CAUSE THEN WE'D HAVE TO "ADMIT" 288 00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,042 THAT WE SNOOPED THROUGH YOUR SHIT. 289 00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:18,211 SO WE JUST SILENTLY PUNISH YOU FOR, LIKE, MONTHS... 290 00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:21,048 UNTIL ONE DAY IT'LL JUST RANDOMLY EXPLODE OUT. 291 00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:23,483 YOU'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, BABY, DO YOU WANT TO GO 292 00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:25,052 TO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY FOR DINNER?" 293 00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:27,554 "OH, WHY?! IS THAT WHERE 'JULIE' WORKS?!" 294 00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,357 [laughter, applause] 295 00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:37,697 I SNOOP. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. 296 00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:39,532 (woman) WOO! 297 00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:41,168 THE PROBLEM WITH WOMEN AND SNOOPING 298 00:11:41,268 --> 00:11:43,103 IS WE DON'T THINK WE'RE DOING ANYTHING WRONG, 299 00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,939 'CAUSE OUR MINDS CAN TALK US INTO ANYTHING, RIGHT? 300 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,341 WE COULD RATIONALIZE ANYTHING IN OUR CRAZY HEADS. 301 00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:49,810 YOU DON'T REALIZE UNTIL LATER, 302 00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,812 TILL WE'RE FIGHTING WITH YOU ABOUT IT, 303 00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:54,114 HOW WE JUSTIFIED IT IN OUR CRAZY-ASS BRAINS, YOU KNOW? 304 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,616 WE'RE LIKE, "WHAT? I WAS NOT GOING THROUGH YOUR WALLET, OKAY? 305 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,151 "I WAS JUST CLEANING IT. 306 00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,552 [laughter] 307 00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:01,188 YOU'RE WELCOME!" 308 00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:04,557 [laughter, applause] 309 00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:06,493 I THINK THE WORST THING YOU CAN FIND 310 00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:08,428 WHEN YOU'RE SNOOPING IS JEWELRY. 311 00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:10,330 THAT'S THE WORST THING, RIGHT? LIKE, ANOTHER WOMAN'S JEWELRY, 312 00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,399 EVEN IF IT'S AN EX-GIRLFRIEND OR WHATEVER. 313 00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,234 BUT I HAVE FOUND -- HOW PISSED OFF I GOT ABOUT THE JEWELRY 314 00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,870 I FOUND IN MY MAN'S PLACE WAS DIRECTLY CORRELATED 315 00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:18,939 TO HOW NICE THE JEWELRY WAS. 316 00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:21,474 SO ONE TIME I FOUND THIS REALLY CRAPPY PLASTIC BRACELET. 317 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:24,477 I WAS LIKE, "OH, WHAT, YOU SLEPT WITH SOME GIRL WHO SHOPS AT 'CLAIRE'S'? 318 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,679 'ACCESSORIES,' IS THAT IT?" 319 00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,181 BUT THEN I JUST NAMED A BUNCH OF STORES 320 00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:30,283 THAT NO MAN HAS EVER HEARD OF. 321 00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,953 I WAS LIKE, "OH, WHAT IS THIS, FROM 'WET SEAL', HUH? 322 00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:35,255 "WHAT IS THIS, FROM 'SPIEGEL'? 323 00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:38,325 WHAT IS THIS, FROM 'Overstock.com'?" 324 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,460 BUT THEN ONE TIME I FOUND A REALLY, LIKE, NICE, 325 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,063 LIKE, SILVER BRACELET AND IT HAD, LIKE, SOME DIAMONDS IN IT. 326 00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:46,233 I DIDN'T YELL AT HIM AT ALL. I JUST PUT IT ON MY WRIST... 327 00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:48,836 AND HE NEVER HEARD ABOUT IT AGAIN... 328 00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,838 - 'CAUSE I STEAL. - [laughter] 329 00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:52,772 IT'S MINE NOW, SLUT! 330 00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:54,741 [laughter, applause] 331 00:12:54,842 --> 00:12:56,910 I THINK THAT RELATIONSHIPS JUST MAKE WOMEN CRAZY. 332 00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:59,079 THEY MAKE PERFECTLY NORMAL PEOPLE GO INSANE, RIGHT? 333 00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:00,848 LIKE, I LIKE TO PLAY A LITTLE GAME, 334 00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:02,382 LIKE, THREE MONTHS INTO A RELATIONSHIP. 335 00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:03,851 IT'S CALLED, 336 00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,453 "LET'S GO THROUGH YOUR CELL PHONE 337 00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:07,821 "AND DELETE THE CONTACTS... 338 00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:09,389 I DON'T LIKE." 339 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:11,024 [laughter, applause] 340 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,026 THAT'S WHEN I GET TO GO THROUGH YOUR PHONE, 341 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,028 YOU GOTTA TELL ME WHO EVERY GIRL IS IN YOUR PHONE, 342 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,997 AND THEN I DECIDE IF I FREAKIN' LIKE IT OR NOT. 343 00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:18,665 [laughter, applause] 344 00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,433 IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS. 345 00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:23,336 "LINDSEY"... SOUNDS LIKE A SLUT. DELETE THAT. 346 00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:26,874 "RICHARD"... THAT'S A SLUT FOR SURE. DELETE THAT. 347 00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:29,609 "MOM"? THAT'S A WHORE. DELETE THAT. 348 00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:31,144 YOU GUYS HAVE YOUR WEIRD STUFF, TOO. 349 00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:32,913 I RECENTLY NOTICED ABOUT GUYS-- 350 00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:35,482 I NOTICED THAT EVERY GUY I'VE EVER KNOWN, 351 00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:38,251 SOMEWHERE IN HIS HOUSE OR APARTMENT OR WHATEVER, 352 00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:42,822 HAS A JAR THAT'S FULL OF "COINS"? 353 00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:45,258 WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? 354 00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,027 THE LAST GUY I DATED-- I WAS LIKE, 355 00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:48,896 "OH, MAYBE HE, LIKE, COLLECTS COINS, 356 00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:50,931 OR MAYBE THAT'S, LIKE, HIS LAUNDRY MONEY." 357 00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:53,433 NO, THAT WAS HIS BANK ACCOUNT, OKAY? 358 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:55,368 [laughter, applause] 359 00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:57,704 LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU, A PIRATE? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 360 00:13:57,804 --> 00:13:59,472 [laughter continues] 361 00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:02,943 I DATE CHEAP GUYS. I THINK THAT'S THE PROBLEM. 362 00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:04,711 I RECENTLY HAD A GUY-- I SWEAR TO GOD-- 363 00:14:04,811 --> 00:14:07,480 ASK ME OUT ON A DATE TO GO GET COFFEE. 364 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,183 IS THAT HAPPENING NOW, IN THE PLAID SHIRT? 365 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:12,185 YOU'RE DOIN' THAT WITH GIRLS NOW? 366 00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:14,754 YOU'RE NOT STRAIGHT. NO WAY. 367 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,924 [laughter, cheers, applause] 368 00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:20,593 WHAT IS THIS SHIRT? WHAT ARE WE DOIN' HERE? 369 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:23,396 WHAT ARE WE DOIN'? YOU'RE FUCKIN' ON TV. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? 370 00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:24,932 [laughter, applause] 371 00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:27,367 YOU'RE FUCKIN' KILLIN' ME RIGHT NOW. 372 00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:29,769 AND YOU, DON'T EVEN TRY TO LAUGH. THIS IS WORSE. 373 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,304 [laughter] 374 00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:33,306 DO YOU SEE HOW HOT THESE GIRLS ARE? 375 00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:35,708 YOU'RE FUCKIN' BLOWIN' IT. THIS IS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. 376 00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:37,710 NO, I LIKE IT. YOU'RE SEXY. 377 00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:39,212 ARE YOU SINGLE? 378 00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,848 - UH--EHH! - [laughter, applause] 379 00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,350 EH--EH--EH! 380 00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:44,918 TOO MUCH CUM IN YOUR MOUTH? CAN'T TALK? 381 00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:46,954 [laughter, applause] 382 00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:49,022 - OKAY. - [cheers, applause] 383 00:14:53,026 --> 00:14:54,661 NO, I SERIOUSLY-- I SWEAR TO GOD-- 384 00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:57,064 I HAD A GUY ASK ME OUT ON A DATE TO GO GET COFFEE. 385 00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:58,798 HOW CHEAP IS THAT? 386 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,567 HE'S LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU WANNA, LIKE, 387 00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:02,269 MAYBE GO GET SOME COFFEE LATER?" I WAS, LIKE, "SURE. 388 00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:04,271 "YOU KNOW WHERE THERE'S REALLY GOOD COFFEE? 389 00:15:04,371 --> 00:15:06,373 "THIS PLACE THAT'S CALLED, UH, 'MORTON'S STEAKHOUSE'... 390 00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:07,807 [laughter] 391 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,776 "YOU PIECE OF SHIT. 392 00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:11,378 [laughter, applause] 393 00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:13,613 "I LOVE A LITTLE COFFEE WITH MY LOBSTER. 394 00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:15,615 - LET'S GO." - [laughter] 395 00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:18,151 AND THEN I'M SUCH AN IDIOT THAT I WENT ON THE COFFEE DATE. 396 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,153 IT WAS AT, LIKE, 4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON. 397 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,289 AND I SHOWED UP TO GO-- LIKE, I WENT UP TO THE COUNTER 398 00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:24,691 TO PAY FOR MY COFFEE-- IT WAS LIKE $1.70 OR SOMETHING-- 399 00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:26,093 AND I GO TO PULL OUT MY WALLET. 400 00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:27,827 HE CUTS IN FRONT OF ME. HE GOES, 401 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,597 "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO... 402 00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:32,665 - I GOT IT." - [laughter] 403 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,535 OH, REALLY? ARE YOU GONNA GET SOME COINS FROM YOUR FRICKIN' JAR? 404 00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:37,270 IS THAT HOW YOU'RE...? 405 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:38,972 WOMEN ARE CHEAPER THAN MEN, THOUGH. 406 00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,907 IT'S NOT EVEN THAT WE'RE CHEAP. 407 00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:43,310 WE JUST NEVER EXPECT TO PAY FOR ANYTHING, RIGHT? 408 00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:45,878 SO MUCH SO, WE HAVE MASTERED THE ART OF SOMETHING 409 00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:47,547 THAT I LIKE TO CALL THE "PUMP FAKE"... 410 00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,282 [laughter] 411 00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,418 WHICH IS WHEN THE BILL COMES TO THE TABLE, 412 00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:54,087 WE'LL JUST STICK OUR HAND IN OUR PURSE... 413 00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:59,159 [laughter, applause] 414 00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:01,761 JUST MOVE IT AROUND FOR AS LONG AS WE HAVE TO 415 00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:03,930 UNTIL YOU GUYS SIGN THE CHECK. 416 00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:05,398 WE'RE NOT GRABBING ANYTHING. 417 00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:07,300 WE'RE JUST SHUFFLING SHIT AROUND... 418 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,337 JUST GETTING STABBED BY PENCILS. 419 00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:13,640 IF IT'S A SMALL PURSE, WE'LL JUST DO THAT. 420 00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,143 AND IF IT'S A CLUTCH, WE'LL JUST FINGER-BANG IT 421 00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:17,977 AS LONG AS WE HAVE TO. 422 00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:21,081 [laughter, applause] 423 00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:24,317 THAT'S WHEN YOU PUT A FINGER IN SOMEONE'S VAGINA. 424 00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:29,989 [laughter, cheers, applause] 425 00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:32,059 I ACTUALLY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOIN' ON ANYMORE. 426 00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,127 I DON'T KNOW IF THE GUY'S SUPPOSED TO PAY, 427 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,129 IF THE GIRL'S SUPPOSED TO, IF YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SPLIT IT. 428 00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,098 I JUST GOT OUT OF A FOUR-YEAR RELATIONSHIP JUST RECENTLY. 429 00:16:38,198 --> 00:16:39,632 - (man) WOO! - YEAH, THANKS. 430 00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,068 YOU'RE HAPPY ABOUT THAT? 431 00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:42,602 - YEAH. - [laughter] 432 00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,371 I'M SINGLE. YOU WANNA DO THIS RIGHT NOW? 433 00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:46,139 [laughter] 434 00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:48,108 THIS IS A WATER BRA. THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISING. 435 00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:49,809 BUT OTHERWISE... 436 00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:51,078 I'M LIKE, WHAT, ARE YOU A PEDOPHILE, 437 00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:53,280 - IS THAT IT? - [laughter] 438 00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:55,615 BUT, NO, I DID, I JUST GOT OUT OF A FOUR-YEAR RELATIONSHIP. 439 00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,784 IT WAS HARD, BECAUSE WHAT I LEARNED-- AFTER I GOT OUT 440 00:16:57,884 --> 00:16:59,686 OF THE FOUR-YEAR RELATIONSHIP, I LEARNED THAT WOMEN-- 441 00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:01,888 WE'RE NOT GIVEN THE SKILLS WE NEED TO SURVIVE 442 00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:03,523 IN THE WORLD WITHOUT A MAN. 443 00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,024 I LEARNED THIS, 'CAUSE RIGHT AFTER WE BROKE UP, 444 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:06,826 I GOT A BRAND-NEW CAR. 445 00:17:06,926 --> 00:17:08,095 FOUR DAYS AFTER I GOT A BRAND-NEW CAR, 446 00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:09,896 I FILLED IT UP WITH DIESEL FUEL. 447 00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:11,331 (audience) OH! 448 00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:13,400 NOW, I ALWAYS LOVE THIS REACTION, 449 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,168 'CAUSE ALL THE GUYS IN THE AUDIENCE ARE ALWAYS LIKE, 450 00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,637 "OH, GOD!" AND ALL THE GIRLS ARE JUST LIKE... 451 00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:20,006 - "SO?" - [laughter] 452 00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:21,974 LIKE, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DIESEL FUEL WAS. 453 00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:24,444 I PULLED UP. THE REGULAR WAS OUT OF ORDER. THE SUPREME-- 454 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,879 I WAS LIKE, "OH, I'LL JUST FILL IT UP WITH DIESEL FUEL." 455 00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:28,748 AND THERE WAS A GREEN BUTTON AND A-- 456 00:17:28,848 --> 00:17:31,218 I WAS LIKE, "OH, IT'S PROBABLY BETTER FOR THE ENVIRONMENT 457 00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:33,019 'CAUSE IT'S GREEN." 458 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,721 AND THEN YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY WONDERING 459 00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,723 HOW I GOT THE NOZZLE TO FIT, BECAUSE A DIESEL NOZZLE 460 00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:38,091 DOESN'T EVEN FIT IN A REGULAR CAR. 461 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,193 I JAMMED IT IN THERE. 462 00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:42,529 I WAS LIKE, "I'M SELF-SUFFICIENT, GODDAMMIT!-- UGH!" 463 00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,564 A MILE LATER, MY CAR WAS A BALL OF 464 00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:46,466 - FIRE... - [laughter] 465 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,435 BUT WOMEN ARE NOT TAUGHT PRACTICAL INFORMATION LIKE THIS. 466 00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:50,270 WE'RE NOT TAUGHT TO LIVE IN REALITY. 467 00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,172 WE'RE TAUGHT TO LIVE IN OUR IMAGINATIONS, 468 00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:54,607 IN A FANTASY LAND, RIGHT? I REMEMBER-- IT'S TRUE. 469 00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:57,410 GROWING UP, I USED TO HAVE IMAGINARY TEA PARTIES. 470 00:17:57,510 --> 00:18:00,580 I WOULD PUT IMAGINARY TEA IN IMAGINARY CUPS AND DRINK 'EM 471 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:04,484 WITH MY STUFFED ANIMALS, THAT'S FUCKING CRAZY! OKAY? 472 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:06,753 LIKE, IN ANY OTHER UNIVERSE, THAT'S JUST SCHIZOPHRENIA, 473 00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:08,455 RIGHT? 474 00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:10,357 AND THE PROBLEM IS, IT CARRIES INTO ADULTHOOD. 475 00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:12,392 LIKE, GUYS, YOU EVER GET IN A FIGHT WITH YOUR GIRL, 476 00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:14,327 AND SHE'S MUCH MORE PISSED OFF AT YOU THAN SHE SHOULD BE? 477 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,663 AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHOA, THAT ARGUMENT ESCALATED... 478 00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:18,131 REALLY...FAST." 479 00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:19,699 IT'S 'CAUSE FOR THE LAST WEEK, 480 00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,668 WE'VE BEEN HAVIN' A FIGHT WITH YOU IN OUR 481 00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,770 IMAGINATIONS... 482 00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:28,475 [laughter, cheers, applause] 483 00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:32,011 AND IN OUR HEAD, YOU SAID ALL THE WRONG SHIT. 484 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:35,248 SO BY THE TIME WE SEE YOU IN PERSON, WE'RE LIKE, "OH, YEAH?! 485 00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:37,617 WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID LAST WEEK IN MY MIND!" 486 00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,919 [laughter, applause] 487 00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:42,289 I THINK THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS THAT WOMEN DO NOT LEARN, 488 00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:44,524 A LOT OF PRACTICAL INFORMATION. 489 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:47,227 LIKE, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT A 401(k) WAS TILL LIKE A MONTH AGO. 490 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,929 I THOUGHT IT WAS A MARATHON. I SWEAR TO GOD. 491 00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:53,099 I WAS LIKE, "WHY ARE MY FRIENDS RUNNING IN THIS MARATHON? 492 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,767 "400 MILES? 493 00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,803 - FUCK THAT." - [laughter] 494 00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:59,472 AND THE THINGS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO PREPARE WOMEN FOR LIFE DON'T. 495 00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:01,508 LIKE, I WAS IN THE GIRL SCOUTS. 496 00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:03,710 THE GIRL SCOUTS DOES NOT TEACH YOU ANY SKILLS, RIGHT? 497 00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,346 THE GIRL SCOUTS BASICALLY TEACHES YOU TO SELL A BUNCH OF COOKIES 498 00:19:06,446 --> 00:19:08,581 THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN FRICKIN' MAKE, OKAY? 499 00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,317 LIKE, IF YOU'RE TO TAKE THE SKILLS YOU LEARNED IN THE GIRL SCOUTS 500 00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:12,252 AND APPLY THEM AS AN ADULT, 501 00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:14,454 YOU'RE SELLING THINGS TO STRANGERS IN A MINISKIRT. 502 00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,723 YOU'RE A HOOKER. THAT'S WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING. 503 00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,459 - THAT'S YOUR JOB NOW. - [laughter, applause] 504 00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:21,561 BUT GUYS LEARN REAL SKILLS. 505 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,630 YOU GUYS GO TO THE EAGLE SCOUTS AND LEARN HOW TO, YOU KNOW, 506 00:19:23,730 --> 00:19:26,333 - MAKE ROPES AND-- EHH! - [laughter] 507 00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:28,568 YOU KNOW, MAKE FIRES AND STUFF. 508 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:31,037 AND WOMEN DON'T LEARN THOSE KIND OF SURVIVAL SKILLS. 509 00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:33,406 I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH THAT PISSED ME OFF AFTER THAT HAPPENED TO ME, 510 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,742 BUT THEN I KIND OF, LIKE, GOT PERSPECTIVE. 511 00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:37,944 I WAS LIKE, "GUYS MAY KNOW HOW TO MAKE ROPES AND FIRES AND STUFF, 512 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:39,912 "BUT WOMEN, WE CAN MAKE... 513 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,348 'PEOPLE.'" 514 00:19:41,448 --> 00:19:43,383 [laughter, applause] 515 00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:46,719 OKAY, THAT IS PRETTY BADASS, OKAY? 516 00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:49,155 GIVE ME THE BACKSEAT OF A TAURUS AND SOME "SUTTER HOME," 517 00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:50,923 I CAN DUPLICATE! 518 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,360 [laughter, cheers, applause] 519 00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:56,263 AND GUESS WHAT... 520 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:58,498 IT COMES OUT ON A FREAKIN' ROPE. 521 00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:01,734 [laughter, cheers, applause] 522 00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:06,806 IT'S HARD, THOUGH. GOING FROM A LONG RELATIONSHIP 523 00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:09,208 TO STARTING TO DATE AGAIN IS VERY DIFFICULT. 524 00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,478 'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP, YOU'RE COMFORTABLE, RIGHT? 525 00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:13,446 YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR ANY MAKEUP. 526 00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,248 YOU CAN JUST PEE IN FRONT OF THE PERSON OR WHATEVER. 527 00:20:15,348 --> 00:20:16,849 WHEN YOU'RE DATING SOMEBODY NEW, 528 00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:19,051 YOU HAVE TO TRY TO BE PERFECT. 529 00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:21,187 LIKE, I'VE BEEN DATING A NEW GUY, AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE SO PERFECT. 530 00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:23,656 BASICALLY, THE FIRST, LIKE, THREE MONTHS OF ME DATING THIS GUY-- 531 00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:26,058 EVERY SECOND HAS BASICALLY BEEN ME... 532 00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:28,828 TRYING TO NOT FART. THAT'S ALL IT IS. 533 00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:30,897 EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. IT'S JUST LIKE, 534 00:20:30,997 --> 00:20:32,999 "PLEASE DON'T FART. PLEASE DON'T FART. PLEASE DON'T FART. 535 00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:34,701 PLEASE DON'T FART." 536 00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,269 MY ASS IS IN THE SHAPE OF ITS FUCKING LIFE. 537 00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:38,671 - THAT'S THE UPSIDE. - [laughter] 538 00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:40,940 BUT THE HARD PART IS THAT I'LL SOMETIMES STAY AT HIS HOUSE 539 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,510 FOR A COUPLE DAYS AT A TIME AND I HAVE TO HOLD IT IN SO LONG 540 00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:45,712 THAT BY THE TIME I LEAVE, I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, 541 00:20:45,812 --> 00:20:48,080 SEE YOU LATER." [loud ongoing fart] 542 00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:49,649 SOMETIMES YOU CAN CATCH AIR AND LIKE, 543 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:52,419 - [fart, fart] - [laughter, applause] 544 00:20:55,322 --> 00:20:56,989 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYIN' TO BE PERFECT 545 00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:58,491 FOR THE NEW GUY, YOU KNOW? 546 00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:00,560 LIKE, WHEN I STAY AT THIS GUY'S HOUSE-- 547 00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:02,495 THE EXTENT TO WHICH I TRY TO BE PERFECT FOR THIS GUY-- 548 00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:05,632 I WILL WAKE UP AT 6:00 A.M. WHILE HE'S STILL ASLEEP, 549 00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:08,668 SNEAK INTO THE BATHROOM, PUT ON A FULL FACE OF MAKEUP, 550 00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:11,538 SNEAK BACK INTO BED, SO BY THE TIME HE WAKES UP, 551 00:21:11,638 --> 00:21:13,806 I LOOK LIKE LADY GAGA OR SOMETHING, WHICH IS SO RIDICULOUS. 552 00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:16,576 WOMEN, WE DO NOT NEED TO LOOK CUTE IN THE MORNING 553 00:21:16,676 --> 00:21:18,845 FOR OUR MAN-- WE DON'T NEED IT, 554 00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:21,781 BECAUSE GUYS, BEFORE YOUR EYES EVEN OPEN IN THE MORNING, 555 00:21:21,881 --> 00:21:24,451 - YOU GUYS HAVE ERECTIONS. - [laughter, applause] 556 00:21:24,551 --> 00:21:26,553 YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S LYING NEXT TO YOU, 557 00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:28,355 AND YOU'RE JUST READY TO... 558 00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:30,390 HAVE SEX WITH IT, REALLY? YOU ARE HEATHENS. 559 00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:32,392 YOU GUYS LITERALLY WAKE UP IN THE MORNING. 560 00:21:32,492 --> 00:21:34,627 YOU'RE LIKE, "[snorting, exhales]-- WHERE'S A HOLE? 561 00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:37,296 - GIVE ME A HOLE." - [laughter, applause] 562 00:21:37,397 --> 00:21:39,065 IT IS BARBARIC. 563 00:21:39,165 --> 00:21:41,568 [laughter continues] 564 00:21:41,668 --> 00:21:44,070 BUT I DO NOT LIKE MORNING SEX. I DO NOT LIKE MORNING SEX. 565 00:21:44,170 --> 00:21:45,672 SO WHAT I STARTED DOING 566 00:21:45,772 --> 00:21:48,174 IS I'LL CUT A HOLE IN A CANTALOUPE... 567 00:21:48,274 --> 00:21:51,277 [laughter, groans, applause] 568 00:21:51,378 --> 00:21:53,279 PUT IT IN THE MICROWAVE FOR A MINUTE... 569 00:21:53,380 --> 00:21:55,314 [laughter, groans] 570 00:21:55,415 --> 00:21:58,585 PUT A WIG ON IT, LEAVE IT IN THE BED, 571 00:21:58,685 --> 00:22:01,253 - AND BOUNCE. - [laughter, applause] 572 00:22:01,354 --> 00:22:02,822 IT'S HARD, 'CAUSE NOW I'M DATING, 573 00:22:02,922 --> 00:22:04,724 AND A LOT OF MY FRIENDS ARE SETTLING DOWN. 574 00:22:04,824 --> 00:22:06,926 A LOT OF MY FRIENDS ARE GETTING MARRIED RIGHT NOW, 575 00:22:07,026 --> 00:22:08,661 WHICH IS SO ANNOYING, 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE GUYS ALWAYS HAVE EXCUSES 576 00:22:08,761 --> 00:22:10,563 WHY THEY DON'T WANNA GET MARRIED WITH ME. 577 00:22:10,663 --> 00:22:12,732 ALL THESE EXCUSES-- LIKE, ONE OF MY FAVORITES IS, 578 00:22:12,832 --> 00:22:15,502 "WE DON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED. IT'S JUST A PIECE OF PAPER." 579 00:22:15,602 --> 00:22:17,837 WHICH IS NOT TRUE. MARRIAGE IS NOT JUST A PIECE OF PAPER. 580 00:22:17,937 --> 00:22:20,006 IT'S ABOUT MORE THAN THAT, OKAY? IT'S ABOUT... 581 00:22:20,106 --> 00:22:21,774 - A DIAMOND. - [laughter] 582 00:22:21,874 --> 00:22:23,676 YOU THINK IN THE HISTORY OF TIME 583 00:22:23,776 --> 00:22:25,678 ANY WOMAN WAS EVER LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS, 584 00:22:25,778 --> 00:22:27,246 LOOK AT MY PIECE OF PAPER!" 585 00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:29,248 [high-pitch scream] 586 00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:31,050 - DON'T BE STUPID. - [laughter] 587 00:22:31,150 --> 00:22:33,219 YOU CAN'T PUT A PIECE OF PAPER ON eBAY WHEN WE BREAK UP. 588 00:22:33,319 --> 00:22:34,787 THAT'S NOT HELPFUL TO ME. 589 00:22:34,887 --> 00:22:36,623 [laughter] 590 00:22:36,723 --> 00:22:39,258 MY OTHER FAVORITE EXCUSE THAT I'VE HEARD BEFORE IS, 591 00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:40,660 "YEAH, WE SHOULDN'T GET MARRIED. 592 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,695 MONOGAMY IS JUST NOT NATURAL." 593 00:22:42,795 --> 00:22:44,363 YEAH, NEITHER ARE FAKE TITS, BUT YOU GUYS 594 00:22:44,464 --> 00:22:45,965 FRICKIN' LOVE THOSE! 595 00:22:46,065 --> 00:22:48,635 [laughter, applause] 596 00:22:48,735 --> 00:22:51,203 I HAVE FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED, SO NOW I GO TO ALL THESE EVENTS. 597 00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:54,006 LIKE, I RECENTLY HAD TO GO TO A BRIDAL SHOWER FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. 598 00:22:54,106 --> 00:22:56,709 NOBODY TOLD ME YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BRING SEX TOYS. 599 00:22:56,809 --> 00:22:59,111 I SHOWED UP WITH A TEAPOT, LIKE AN ASSHOLE. 600 00:22:59,211 --> 00:23:00,947 [laughter] 601 00:23:01,047 --> 00:23:03,416 AND SEX TOYS HAVE GOTTEN CRAZY. THERE WAS ONE-- 602 00:23:03,516 --> 00:23:06,553 IT WAS A VIBRATOR THAT HAD FEATHERS? 603 00:23:06,653 --> 00:23:09,388 ON THERE, I WAS LIKE, "IS THAT IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN SO LONG, 604 00:23:09,489 --> 00:23:10,957 "YOU CAN JUST DUST IT OFF... 605 00:23:11,057 --> 00:23:12,492 [laughter] 606 00:23:12,592 --> 00:23:14,627 AND GET BUSY?" 607 00:23:14,727 --> 00:23:16,463 AND THEN I RECENTLY GOT TO GO TO A BACHELORETTE PARTY, 608 00:23:16,563 --> 00:23:18,097 WHICH THOSE ARE ACTUALLY KIND OF FUN. 609 00:23:18,197 --> 00:23:19,932 WE WENT TO A MALE STRIP CLUB, 610 00:23:20,032 --> 00:23:21,768 AND THE THING THAT CRACKS ME UP ABOUT MALE STRIPPERS 611 00:23:21,868 --> 00:23:24,637 IS THEY'RE ALWAYS IN, LIKE, POLICEMEN'S UNIFORMS, 612 00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:26,673 RIGHT, AND LIKE FIREMEN'S UNIFORMS. 613 00:23:26,773 --> 00:23:29,542 - YOU KNOW - [laughter] 614 00:23:29,642 --> 00:23:32,712 [whistles, cheers, applause] 615 00:23:32,812 --> 00:23:35,648 MALE STRIPPERS ARE ALWAYS IN POLICEMEN'S UNIFORMS, FIREMEN'S, 616 00:23:35,748 --> 00:23:38,350 'CAUSE THEY SAY THAT WOMEN LIKE A "MAN IN UNIFORM." 617 00:23:38,451 --> 00:23:41,020 IT'S NOT ABOUT "THE UNIFORM," OKAY? 618 00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:43,389 WE LIKE MEN "WITH JOBS." 619 00:23:43,490 --> 00:23:45,124 [laughter, cheers, applause] 620 00:23:45,224 --> 00:23:47,393 [chuckles] 621 00:23:47,494 --> 00:23:51,397 YOU WILL NEVER SEE A MALE STRIPPER COME OUT WITH PAJAMA PANTS ON... 622 00:23:51,498 --> 00:23:53,566 HOLDING A VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER AND A POP-TART. 623 00:23:53,666 --> 00:23:55,768 [laughter, applause] 624 00:23:55,868 --> 00:23:57,837 AND I HAVE TO GO TO WEDDINGS ALL THE TIME. 625 00:23:57,937 --> 00:24:00,306 AND I THINK THE CRAZIEST PART ABOUT GOING TO WEDDINGS IS LIKE, 626 00:24:00,406 --> 00:24:01,741 THE CATCHING OF THE BOUQUET THING, 627 00:24:01,841 --> 00:24:03,676 'CAUSE WOMEN GET PSYCHO ABOUT-- 628 00:24:03,776 --> 00:24:05,512 I WENT IN THERE ONCE TO TRY TO CATCH THE BOUQUET, 629 00:24:05,612 --> 00:24:07,547 - I GOT SHANKED. - [laughter, applause] 630 00:24:07,647 --> 00:24:09,315 'CAUSE WHEN THEY SAY IS THAT IF YOU CATCH THE BOUQUET 631 00:24:09,415 --> 00:24:11,851 THAT MEANS YOU'RE GONNA BE THE NEXT WOMAN TO GET MARRIED. 632 00:24:11,951 --> 00:24:14,086 NA-AH, CATCH THE BOUQUET, SEE IF ONE GUY TALKS TO YOU 633 00:24:14,186 --> 00:24:15,421 FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT. 634 00:24:15,522 --> 00:24:17,590 [laughter] 635 00:24:17,690 --> 00:24:19,926 I HAVE FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING BABIES NOW, TOO, 636 00:24:20,026 --> 00:24:21,594 LIKE, ON PURPOSE. 637 00:24:21,694 --> 00:24:24,897 - I KNOW. - [laughter] 638 00:24:24,997 --> 00:24:27,867 I FEEL LIKE WOMEN, AFTER THEY GIVE BIRTH, THEY JUST GO INSANE. 639 00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:30,402 LIKE, I HAD A FRIEND OF MINE WHO HAD A BABY SIX MONTHS AGO, 640 00:24:30,503 --> 00:24:32,204 AND SHE CALLS ME UP, AND SHE'S LIKE, 641 00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,506 "DO YOU WANNA COME OVER 642 00:24:33,606 --> 00:24:35,542 AND WATCH MY BIRTH VIDEO?" 643 00:24:35,642 --> 00:24:37,209 (man) HAH-HAH-HAH! 644 00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:39,011 I WAS LIKE, UH... 645 00:24:39,111 --> 00:24:40,947 [laughter, applause] 646 00:24:41,047 --> 00:24:43,516 I WAS LIKE, "HELL, YEAH, I DO." 647 00:24:43,616 --> 00:24:45,685 YOU GUYS, I WENT OVER THERE. 648 00:24:45,785 --> 00:24:48,020 IT WAS THE BIGGEST COOTER I'VE EVER SEEN... 649 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:49,522 [laughter, applause] 650 00:24:49,622 --> 00:24:51,090 BUT LIKE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, 651 00:24:51,190 --> 00:24:52,458 LIKE SHAKY-CAM COOTER. 652 00:24:52,559 --> 00:24:54,460 [laughter] 653 00:24:54,561 --> 00:24:56,963 IT LOOKED LIKE PORN FROM DOWNTOWN BAGHDAD, OKAY? 654 00:24:57,063 --> 00:24:58,430 [laughter continues] 655 00:24:58,531 --> 00:24:59,866 AND DID YOU GUYS KNOW THIS? 656 00:24:59,966 --> 00:25:01,768 AFTER THE BABY COMES OUT OF THERE, 657 00:25:01,868 --> 00:25:04,270 A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER SHIT COMES OUT, YOU GUYS. 658 00:25:04,370 --> 00:25:05,672 A JELLYFISH FLEW BY. 659 00:25:05,772 --> 00:25:07,807 [laughter, applause] 660 00:25:07,907 --> 00:25:09,976 A TRAMPOLINE CAME OUT OF THERE. 661 00:25:10,076 --> 00:25:13,546 I SWEAR TO GOD, JAMIROQUAI CAME OUT OF HER THING, GUYS. 662 00:25:13,646 --> 00:25:15,915 IT WAS LIKE CRAIGSLIST EXPLODED. 663 00:25:16,015 --> 00:25:18,517 I WAS LIKE, "I WANNA GIVE BIRTH JUST SO I CAN FIND MY CAR KEYS." 664 00:25:18,618 --> 00:25:20,286 - LIKE, WHAT...? - [laughter, applause] 665 00:25:20,386 --> 00:25:22,622 I THINK ALL OF THAT STUFF-- BABIES AND MARRIAGE-- 666 00:25:22,722 --> 00:25:24,657 I THINK THAT ALL THAT'S ABOUT ROMANCE. 667 00:25:24,757 --> 00:25:26,626 I THINK US WOMEN, WE ARE OBSESSED WITH ROMANCE, RIGHT, 668 00:25:26,726 --> 00:25:28,127 AND I THINK WE GET BRAINWASHED FROM ROMANTIC MOVIES. 669 00:25:28,227 --> 00:25:30,730 I THINK THAT IS WHERE IT COMES FROM. LIKE, I RECENTLY SAW, UM, 670 00:25:30,830 --> 00:25:32,565 THESE MOVIES CALLED TWILIGHT. 671 00:25:32,665 --> 00:25:34,466 - HAVE WE SEEN THIS MOVIE? - (male) WOO! 672 00:25:34,567 --> 00:25:36,435 RANDOM YELLING GUY? YEAH, YOU'VE SEEN IT. 673 00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:38,605 I KNOW YOU HAVE, FOR SURE. 674 00:25:38,705 --> 00:25:40,573 BUT I RECENTLY SAW THESE MOVIES TWILIGHT. 675 00:25:40,673 --> 00:25:42,474 THEY ARE SO ROMANTIC. 676 00:25:42,575 --> 00:25:43,910 THIS VAMPIRE'S MADLY IN LOVE WITH THIS GIRL, 677 00:25:44,010 --> 00:25:45,678 AND THEY'RE SO OBSESSED WITH EACH OTHER. 678 00:25:45,778 --> 00:25:47,647 THEY BRAINWASH YOU. I WENT INTO THIS MOVIE. 679 00:25:47,747 --> 00:25:49,348 I WAS LIKE, "OH, SOME MOVIE ABOUT HIGH SCHOOLERS." 680 00:25:49,448 --> 00:25:50,783 I CAME OUT OF IT, I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, 681 00:25:50,883 --> 00:25:52,585 I HAVE TO MARRY A VAMPIRE. OH, MY GOD." 682 00:25:52,685 --> 00:25:54,654 - [laughter] - IT MAKES YOU OBSESSED. 683 00:25:54,754 --> 00:25:56,589 GUYS, DON'T LET YOUR GIRLFRIENDS SEE THIS MOVIE. 684 00:25:56,689 --> 00:25:59,158 SHE WILL LEAVE YOUR ASS, OKAY? 685 00:25:59,258 --> 00:26:01,227 AFTER I SAW THE MOVIE, I WOULDN'T TALK TO THE GUY I WAS DATING 686 00:26:01,327 --> 00:26:03,095 FOR, LIKE, FIVE DAYS. FINALLY, HE WAS LIKE, 687 00:26:03,195 --> 00:26:04,764 "BABE, WHAT'S WRONG?" I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW. 688 00:26:04,864 --> 00:26:06,165 "I KINDA NEED TO DATE SOMEONE WHO CAN... 689 00:26:06,265 --> 00:26:08,100 - 'FLY.'" - [laughter] 690 00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,102 BUT THIS MOVIE-- I THINK IT PROVES THAT WOMEN HAVE, LIKE, 691 00:26:10,202 --> 00:26:11,971 A BAD-BOY COMPLEX, 'CAUSE THE VAMPIRE 692 00:26:12,071 --> 00:26:14,206 SAYS TO THE GIRL IN THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE-- 693 00:26:14,306 --> 00:26:15,708 HE'S LIKE, "I WANNA KILL YOU. 694 00:26:15,808 --> 00:26:17,710 I WANNA SUCK YOUR BLOOD." 695 00:26:17,810 --> 00:26:20,479 SHE'S LIKE, [innocent voice] "IT'S OKAY. I TRUST YOU." 696 00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:22,749 [laughter] 697 00:26:22,849 --> 00:26:24,884 AND THEN HE ADMITS 698 00:26:24,984 --> 00:26:27,319 THAT HE'S KILLED PEOPLE BEFORE, AND SHE'S FINE WITH IT, 699 00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:30,289 WHICH, ACTUALLY, I'M SUCH A JEALOUS GIRLFRIEND THAT IF MY VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND 700 00:26:30,389 --> 00:26:33,660 TOLD ME HE HAD KILLED PEOPLE, I'D BE LIKE, "WHO WAS SHE? 701 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,562 IS SHE PRETTIER THAN ME, IS THAT IT?" 702 00:26:36,663 --> 00:26:39,398 - YEAH. - [cheers, whistles, applause] 703 00:26:39,498 --> 00:26:42,368 I JUST WANT TO DATE A VAMPIRE. I THINK THAT WOULD BE SO BADASS. 704 00:26:42,468 --> 00:26:44,070 LIKE, DATING A VAMPIRE 705 00:26:44,170 --> 00:26:46,105 WILL LITERALLY SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS, RIGHT? 706 00:26:46,205 --> 00:26:48,274 LIKE IF, IF YOU'RE DATING A VAMPIRE, 707 00:26:48,374 --> 00:26:50,576 YOU WOULD ALWAYS HAVE THE UPPER HAND. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 708 00:26:50,677 --> 00:26:52,444 LIKE, YOU'D BE DRIVING ALONG WITH YOUR VAMPIRE, 709 00:26:52,544 --> 00:26:54,380 AND HE'D BE LIKE, "I'M THINKING ABOUT SEEING OTHER PEOPLE." 710 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:56,082 YOU'D BE LIKE, "OH, REALLY, 'CAUSE I'M THINKING ABOUT 711 00:26:56,182 --> 00:26:58,918 - "PUTTING THE SUNROOF DOWN... - [laughter] 712 00:26:59,018 --> 00:27:01,120 - "BITCH. - [laughter continues] 713 00:27:01,220 --> 00:27:03,923 DON'T MAKE ME GO TO GNC AND GET SOME GARLIQUE." 714 00:27:04,023 --> 00:27:06,458 [laughter] 715 00:27:06,558 --> 00:27:09,696 BUT THE PROBLEM WITH VAMPIRES IS THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE 20, 716 00:27:09,796 --> 00:27:11,898 BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY, LIKE, 100 YEARS OLD. 717 00:27:11,998 --> 00:27:13,700 SO YOU'D BE DATING THIS HOT YOUNG GUY 718 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:15,534 WHO, LIKE, GREW UP IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION 719 00:27:15,634 --> 00:27:17,203 AND, LIKE, HATES IRISH PEOPLE. 720 00:27:17,303 --> 00:27:19,171 [laughter] 721 00:27:19,271 --> 00:27:21,573 AND THEN, LIKE, YOU TAKE HIM OUT TO A NIGHTCLUB, 722 00:27:21,674 --> 00:27:23,442 AND HE'D BE, LIKE, DOING THE CHARLESTON. 723 00:27:23,542 --> 00:27:26,012 [laughter, applause] 724 00:27:26,112 --> 00:27:27,579 OR, LIKE, YOU THINK HE'S CHEATING ON YOU, 725 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:29,248 SO YOU GO THROUGH HIS JOURNAL. 726 00:27:29,348 --> 00:27:31,017 YOU'RE LIKE, "WHO THE HELL IS THIS SLUT, HUH? 727 00:27:31,117 --> 00:27:33,319 HARRIET TUBMAN? WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?!" 728 00:27:33,419 --> 00:27:35,387 YOU GUYS NEED TO BRUSH UP ON YOUR BLACK HISTORY, 729 00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:36,756 - JUST... - [laughter] 730 00:27:36,856 --> 00:27:38,424 JUST THAT AREA. 731 00:27:38,524 --> 00:27:40,592 [laughter] 732 00:27:40,693 --> 00:27:42,494 WOMEN GET OBSESSED WITH ROMANCE. 733 00:27:42,594 --> 00:27:44,463 I THINK IT ALSO COMES FROM THE NICKNAMES WE GET GROWING UP. 734 00:27:44,563 --> 00:27:47,133 WITH MY DAD GROWING UP, CALLED ME "PRINCESS," RIGHT? 735 00:27:47,233 --> 00:27:50,036 PRINCESS-- HE DRILLED IT INTO MY HEAD AS A KID THAT I'M A FRICKIN' PRINCESS. 736 00:27:50,136 --> 00:27:51,904 AND THEN I GREW UP, AND I GOT TO THE REAL WORLD, 737 00:27:52,004 --> 00:27:54,306 AND I REALIZED THAT NO ONE ELSE WAS ON BOARD... 738 00:27:54,406 --> 00:27:55,875 [laughter] 739 00:27:55,975 --> 00:27:57,910 WITH THE WHOLE PRINCESS THING, RIGHT? 740 00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:00,312 PRINCESSES DON'T LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY AT LOLLAPALOOZA. 741 00:28:00,412 --> 00:28:01,948 THAT'S JUST NOT... 742 00:28:02,048 --> 00:28:05,184 [laughter, cheers, applause] 743 00:28:05,284 --> 00:28:06,986 I THINK WE NEED TO START CALLING KIDS THINGS 744 00:28:07,086 --> 00:28:08,855 TO PREPARE THEM FOR REAL LIFE. 745 00:28:08,955 --> 00:28:10,589 YOU KNOW, "GET IN THE CAR, REHAB. LET'S GO." 746 00:28:10,689 --> 00:28:12,691 [laughter] 747 00:28:12,792 --> 00:28:15,261 WOMEN GET CALLED THINGS THAT MAKE 'EM OBSESSED WITH ROMANCE. 748 00:28:15,361 --> 00:28:16,996 GUYS GET CALLED THINGS THAT MAKE 'EM OBSESSED WITH SPORTS. 749 00:28:17,096 --> 00:28:19,565 YOU GUYS GET CALLED, LIKE, "CHAMP"... 750 00:28:19,665 --> 00:28:22,001 - EHH. - [laughter] 751 00:28:22,101 --> 00:28:24,103 "SPORT." YOU GUYS ARE SO OBSESSED WITH SPORTS, 752 00:28:24,203 --> 00:28:26,739 YOU GUYS CAN'T EVEN REFER TO INCREMENTS OF A RELATIONSHIP 753 00:28:26,839 --> 00:28:28,440 WITHOUT REFERRING TO SPORTS, RIGHT? 754 00:28:28,540 --> 00:28:29,876 "FIRST BASE." 755 00:28:29,976 --> 00:28:32,178 "WE GOT TO SECOND BASE." 756 00:28:32,278 --> 00:28:33,913 LIKE, YOU DON'T SEE WOMEN RUNNING AROUND REFERRING TO INCREMENTS 757 00:28:34,013 --> 00:28:35,647 OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS THROUGH THINGS WE LIKE. 758 00:28:35,748 --> 00:28:37,483 IT'S NOT LIKE, "LAST NIGHT, ME AND MARK... 759 00:28:37,583 --> 00:28:38,885 UGH! CHANEL PURSE." 760 00:28:38,985 --> 00:28:41,253 [laughter, applause] 761 00:28:43,923 --> 00:28:47,026 YOU GUYS ARE SO OBSESSED WITH SPORTS 762 00:28:47,126 --> 00:28:49,896 THAT YOU GUYS WILL WEAR JERSEYS 763 00:28:49,996 --> 00:28:52,498 FOR TEAMS THAT YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON... 764 00:28:52,598 --> 00:28:54,066 [laughter] 765 00:28:54,166 --> 00:28:56,668 BUT YOU THINK YOU'RE ON THE TEAM. 766 00:28:56,769 --> 00:28:58,437 YOU'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH, LAST NIGHT I GUESS 767 00:28:58,537 --> 00:28:59,738 " WE JUST DIDN'T SCORE ENOUGH. 768 00:28:59,839 --> 00:29:02,008 [laughter] 769 00:29:02,108 --> 00:29:04,210 LAST NIGHT I GUESS WE JUST DIDN'T PLAY ENOUGH DEFENSE." 770 00:29:04,310 --> 00:29:05,912 - "'WE'? - [laughter] 771 00:29:06,012 --> 00:29:07,746 "THE REDSKINS DON'T NEED 'YOU.' 772 00:29:07,847 --> 00:29:09,782 [laughter] 773 00:29:09,882 --> 00:29:12,451 "OKAY, THAT'S LIKE ME WATCHING GREY'S ANATOMY 774 00:29:12,551 --> 00:29:14,720 IN SCRUBS." 775 00:29:14,821 --> 00:29:16,789 [laughter] 776 00:29:16,889 --> 00:29:19,191 [whistles] 777 00:29:19,291 --> 00:29:22,394 [cheers, applause] 778 00:29:22,494 --> 00:29:25,564 BUT THEN AFTER THE SHOW IS OVER, I'D BE LIKE, 779 00:29:25,664 --> 00:29:27,199 "OH, GOD, WE JUST COULD NOT SAVE THAT GUY. 780 00:29:27,299 --> 00:29:28,600 I DON'T KNOW." 781 00:29:28,700 --> 00:29:32,438 [laughter] 782 00:29:32,538 --> 00:29:34,106 YOU GUYS LOVE SPORTS SO MUCH, 783 00:29:34,206 --> 00:29:36,408 YOU GUYS CAN'T EVEN THROW YOUR TRASH 784 00:29:36,508 --> 00:29:38,277 INTO THE GARBAGE NORMALLY. 785 00:29:38,377 --> 00:29:40,880 [laughter] 786 00:29:40,980 --> 00:29:43,950 YOU GUYS HAVE TO SHOOT YOUR GARBAGE ACROSS THE ROOM 787 00:29:44,050 --> 00:29:46,185 LIKE IT'S AN NBA BASKETBALL GAME. 788 00:29:46,285 --> 00:29:48,988 LIKE, YOU DON'T SEE WOMEN LIVING OUT OUR DREAMS WITH OUR TRASH. 789 00:29:49,088 --> 00:29:50,756 I DON'T TAKE, LIKE, A USED GUM WRAPPER, 790 00:29:50,857 --> 00:29:52,591 PUT IT AROUND MY RING FINGER AND BE LIKE... 791 00:29:52,691 --> 00:29:54,760 [laughter, applause] 792 00:29:54,861 --> 00:29:56,795 "BRAD PITT AND I ARE THINKING ABOUT THE FALL, 793 00:29:56,896 --> 00:29:59,031 - SO..." - [laughter] 794 00:29:59,131 --> 00:30:01,500 YOU GUYS LOVE SPORTS SO MUCH THAT YOU GUYS-- 795 00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:04,136 I FEEL LIKE YOU GUYS DO THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER NORMALLY DO, 796 00:30:04,236 --> 00:30:06,572 JUST 'CAUSE THEY HAVE SPORTS TERMS ASSOCIATED WITH THEM. 797 00:30:06,672 --> 00:30:08,174 LIKE, I HAVE A FEELING 798 00:30:08,274 --> 00:30:09,909 THE ONLY REASON YOU GUYS LIKE BEING SINGLE 799 00:30:10,009 --> 00:30:12,144 IS 'CAUSE IT'S CALLED "PLAYING THE FIELD," 800 00:30:12,244 --> 00:30:13,980 'CAUSE YOU GUYS HAVE CONVINCED YOURSELVES THAT YOU'RE OUT THERE-- 801 00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:15,747 LIKE, "I'M SHOOTIN' AND SCORIN' WITH THESE CHICKS. 802 00:30:15,848 --> 00:30:17,816 "I'M SHOOTIN' AND SCORIN'. UH, I'M SUCH A... 803 00:30:17,917 --> 00:30:19,952 I'M PLAYING THE FIELD. I'M SO GREAT." 804 00:30:20,052 --> 00:30:21,954 NO, YOU'RE HOME ALONE JERKING OFF TO PORN ON YOUR COUCH. 805 00:30:22,054 --> 00:30:23,555 THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING. 806 00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:25,424 [laughter, applause] 807 00:30:25,524 --> 00:30:26,993 WHICH, I DON'T LIKE PORN. 808 00:30:27,093 --> 00:30:29,061 I DO NOT LIKE PORN BECAUSE... 809 00:30:29,161 --> 00:30:30,863 - [clapping] - YOU LOVE PORN? 810 00:30:30,963 --> 00:30:32,298 WHAT DO WE LIKE GOIN' ON?" 811 00:30:32,398 --> 00:30:33,832 WHAT DO WE HAVE GOIN' ON UP THERE? 812 00:30:33,933 --> 00:30:35,534 YAY PORN OR NO PORN? 813 00:30:35,634 --> 00:30:37,236 - (male) YAY PORN! - YAY PORN. 814 00:30:37,336 --> 00:30:39,371 - [cheers, applause] - OH, GOOD, I LIKE YOU GUYS. 815 00:30:39,471 --> 00:30:42,875 D.C., DO YOU GUYS HAVE, LIKE, POLITICAL PORN, LIKE, KINDA... 816 00:30:42,975 --> 00:30:45,344 LIKE, "OH, LOOK. IT'S FUCKIN'..." 817 00:30:45,444 --> 00:30:47,279 UH, I DON'T KNOW ANY POLITICIANS. 818 00:30:47,379 --> 00:30:49,448 - UH... - [laughter, applause] 819 00:30:49,548 --> 00:30:51,550 [cheers, applause] 820 00:30:53,752 --> 00:30:56,822 I LITERALLY-- THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO MIND WAS ART MONK 821 00:30:56,923 --> 00:30:58,958 - WHO WAS NOT... - (male) YEAH! 822 00:30:59,058 --> 00:31:01,527 YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER THIS. 823 00:31:01,627 --> 00:31:02,861 UM, HE WAS NOT A POLITICIAN. 824 00:31:02,962 --> 00:31:04,330 [laughter] 825 00:31:04,430 --> 00:31:06,232 TEN-YEAR-OLD IN THE FRONT. OKAY. 826 00:31:06,332 --> 00:31:08,100 [laughter] 827 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,169 I DON'T LIKE PORN, BECAUSE PORN MAKES YOU REALIZE 828 00:31:10,269 --> 00:31:13,005 ALL THE THINGS YOU'RE NOT DOING RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 829 00:31:13,105 --> 00:31:14,974 EVERY TIME I WATCH PORN, 830 00:31:15,074 --> 00:31:16,742 LIKE, I'M REMINDED OF ALL THE THINGS I'M NOT DOING. 831 00:31:16,842 --> 00:31:18,177 I SAW PORN RECENTLY. 832 00:31:18,277 --> 00:31:20,947 I SAW THAT WOMEN ARE SHAVING BALD. 833 00:31:21,047 --> 00:31:23,682 THEIR PUBES BALD. ARE WE DOIN' THIS, D.C.? 834 00:31:23,782 --> 00:31:25,817 - [woman cheering] - OKAY, I LIKE THIS. 835 00:31:25,918 --> 00:31:27,987 WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T. IT GETS WAY TOO COLD HERE IN THE WINTER. 836 00:31:28,087 --> 00:31:29,621 DON'T SHAVE IT. YOU'RE 10. 837 00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:31,023 - DON'T. - [laughter] 838 00:31:31,123 --> 00:31:32,824 DON'T YOU LOOK AT HER. 839 00:31:32,925 --> 00:31:34,826 JUST 'CAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE BOY. 840 00:31:34,927 --> 00:31:37,196 - DON'T YOU DARE. - [oh's, cheers, applause] 841 00:31:38,931 --> 00:31:40,832 I DON'T GET THE SHAVING YOUR JUNK. 842 00:31:40,933 --> 00:31:43,369 'CAUSE I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. LIKE, WOMEN ARE DOING THAT NOW." 843 00:31:43,469 --> 00:31:45,938 SO I WENT TO GO SHAVE. I GOT RAZOR BURN. 844 00:31:46,038 --> 00:31:48,340 I LOOKED LIKE I HAD HERPES FOR TWO WEEKS, OKAY? 845 00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:51,077 - THAT'S NOT CUTE. - [laughter] 846 00:31:51,177 --> 00:31:53,012 GUYS ARE INTO THAT NOW. 847 00:31:53,112 --> 00:31:54,680 YOU GUYS WANT WOMEN TO LOOK LIKE LITTLE GIRLS, 848 00:31:54,780 --> 00:31:56,115 WHICH IS NOT-- MY WHOLE THING IS 849 00:31:56,215 --> 00:31:58,217 YOU WANT TO DO A LITTLE-GIRL FANTASY? 850 00:31:58,317 --> 00:31:59,952 LIKE, I ALREADY CRY AND THROW TANTRUMS EVERY FUCKING DAY-- 851 00:32:00,052 --> 00:32:01,420 WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? 852 00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:03,155 YOU WANT ME TO PEE ON YOUR COUCH? 853 00:32:03,255 --> 00:32:05,491 - I CAN DO THAT. - [laughter] 854 00:32:05,591 --> 00:32:06,959 LIKE, YOU WANT TO DO A LITTLE-GIRL FANTASY? HOW 'BOUT YOU PAY ME 855 00:32:07,059 --> 00:32:09,328 AN ALLOWANCE? LET'S START THERE. 856 00:32:09,428 --> 00:32:12,431 HOW ABOUT YOU PACK ME A LUNCH? I LIKE THIS IDEA. YES. 857 00:32:12,531 --> 00:32:14,500 [laughter] 858 00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:16,335 I DON'T LIKE PORN, BECAUSE I THINK IT SETS THE BAR TOO HIGH. 859 00:32:16,435 --> 00:32:18,404 LIKE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO COMPETE WITH PORN. 860 00:32:18,504 --> 00:32:21,073 LIKE, I FEEL LIKE WOMEN IN PORN ARE ALWAYS YELLING SO LOUD, 861 00:32:21,173 --> 00:32:23,075 WHICH I GUESS YOU GUYS THINK THAT'S SEXY. 862 00:32:23,175 --> 00:32:25,411 I'M NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL. I'M VERY QUIET IN THE BEDROOM. 863 00:32:25,511 --> 00:32:27,913 I LIKE TO KEEP A VERY LOW PROFILE IN THERE. 864 00:32:28,014 --> 00:32:29,615 [laughter] 865 00:32:29,715 --> 00:32:32,318 I WILL OCCASIONALLY WHISPER ENCOURAGING THINGS. 866 00:32:32,418 --> 00:32:33,819 [laughter] 867 00:32:33,919 --> 00:32:35,387 YOU KNOW, I'LL BE LIKE, 868 00:32:35,487 --> 00:32:36,755 "GOOD JOB. 869 00:32:36,855 --> 00:32:41,093 [laughter, applause] 870 00:32:43,829 --> 00:32:45,431 "I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT. 871 00:32:45,531 --> 00:32:48,234 [laughter, applause] 872 00:32:51,737 --> 00:32:54,573 "I REALLY THINK YOU'RE SHOWING A LOT OF IMPROVEMENT. 873 00:32:54,673 --> 00:32:57,009 [laughter, applause] 874 00:32:59,111 --> 00:33:02,114 [chanting] RUDY. RUDY. RUDY." 875 00:33:02,214 --> 00:33:04,950 [laughter, applause] 876 00:33:05,051 --> 00:33:06,785 IF YOU GUYS NEVER WATCH PORN, 877 00:33:06,885 --> 00:33:08,354 YOUR SEX LIVES WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER, 878 00:33:08,454 --> 00:33:10,156 'CAUSE THE BAR WOULD BE SO MUCH LOWER, RIGHT? 879 00:33:10,256 --> 00:33:12,224 IF YOU GUYS NEVER WATCHED PORN, 880 00:33:12,324 --> 00:33:14,093 YOU'D COME HOME, YOU'D SEE YOUR GIRL LYING ON THE BED. 881 00:33:14,193 --> 00:33:15,961 YOU'D BE LIKE, "OH MY GOD. SHE'S WEARING SWEATPANTS. 882 00:33:16,062 --> 00:33:17,596 [laughter] 883 00:33:17,696 --> 00:33:19,998 LOOK AT THAT SNUGGY." 884 00:33:20,099 --> 00:33:22,501 [laughter, applause] 885 00:33:24,403 --> 00:33:26,905 WHY DO I THINK ALL YOUR PENISES ARE THIS LONG? 886 00:33:27,005 --> 00:33:28,607 [laughter] 887 00:33:28,707 --> 00:33:30,509 I DON'T LIKE PORN. WOMEN DO NOT LIKE PORN. 888 00:33:30,609 --> 00:33:32,578 WE'RE WAY TOO SENSITIVE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 889 00:33:32,678 --> 00:33:35,247 LIKE, WHEN I WATCH PORN, I'M NOT LIKE INTO IT, AND LIKE, "OH YEAH." 890 00:33:35,347 --> 00:33:38,350 I JUST GET VERY WORRIED ABOUT THE WOMEN IN THE PORN. 891 00:33:38,450 --> 00:33:40,419 I START SPINNING OUT-- I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. 892 00:33:40,519 --> 00:33:42,788 "SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE. THIS IS NOT GOOD. 893 00:33:42,888 --> 00:33:45,157 SHE REALLY NEEDS A BACKUP PLAN." 894 00:33:45,257 --> 00:33:47,493 [laughter, applause] 895 00:33:47,593 --> 00:33:49,995 BUT I THINK WOMEN SHOULD WATCH PORN MORE, 896 00:33:50,096 --> 00:33:52,264 BECAUSE WOMEN-- IF YOU GUYS WATCH PORN, LADIES, 897 00:33:52,364 --> 00:33:54,100 YOU WOULD SEE WHERE YOUR MAN 898 00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:55,867 WAS GETTING ALL THOSE STUPID FRICKIN' IDEAS. 899 00:33:55,967 --> 00:33:57,669 LIKE, LITERALLY EVERY TIME I WATCH PORN, 900 00:33:57,769 --> 00:34:00,639 I'M LIKE, "OH, THAT'S WHY HE MADE ME BUY ROLLER SKATES. 901 00:34:00,739 --> 00:34:03,875 OKAY, THAT'S WHY THERE'S TWO POUNDS OF PUDDING IN THE FRIDGE-- OKAY." 902 00:34:03,975 --> 00:34:05,544 [laughter] 903 00:34:05,644 --> 00:34:07,279 BUT WOMEN ARE TOO SENSITIVE FOR THAT. 904 00:34:07,379 --> 00:34:08,847 LIKE, I DON'T LIKE PORN. IT'S TOO GRAPHIC. 905 00:34:08,947 --> 00:34:10,549 LIKE, IF PORN WAS MADE FOR WOMEN, 906 00:34:10,649 --> 00:34:14,120 IT WOULD JUST BE, LIKE, TWO HOURS OF SNUGGLING... 907 00:34:14,220 --> 00:34:16,021 AND AT THE END, THE GUY WOULD PROPOSE. 908 00:34:16,122 --> 00:34:18,090 [laughter] 909 00:34:18,190 --> 00:34:19,725 I WOULD WATCH THAT. 910 00:34:19,825 --> 00:34:22,027 I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THAT. 911 00:34:22,128 --> 00:34:23,695 I DON'T LIKE PORN. 912 00:34:23,795 --> 00:34:25,464 THE THING THAT CRACKS ME UP THE MOST ABOUT PORN 913 00:34:25,564 --> 00:34:27,032 IS YOU GUYS DON'T THINK WE KNOW YOU WATCH IT. 914 00:34:27,133 --> 00:34:29,000 IT IS SO OBVIOUS, 915 00:34:29,101 --> 00:34:30,836 ESPECIALLY IF YOU WATCH IT ON THE COMPUTER, 916 00:34:30,936 --> 00:34:33,939 'CAUSE EITHER, NUMBER ONE, YOU ERASE YOUR HISTORY... 917 00:34:34,039 --> 00:34:35,474 IN THE MENU BAR-- 918 00:34:35,574 --> 00:34:37,409 AND I KNOW YOU DID SOME CRAZY SHIT-- 919 00:34:37,509 --> 00:34:38,877 [laughter] 920 00:34:38,977 --> 00:34:40,512 OR YOU DON'T ERASE YOUR HISTORY, 921 00:34:40,612 --> 00:34:42,281 AND I TRY TO GO TO Google.com, 922 00:34:42,381 --> 00:34:44,650 BUT IT GOES TO GoodJigglyJugs.com... 923 00:34:44,750 --> 00:34:46,385 [laughter] 924 00:34:46,485 --> 00:34:49,155 DEAL WITH THAT AT 7:00 A.M. 925 00:34:49,255 --> 00:34:51,457 THE OTHER REASON WE KNOW YOU GUYS WATCH PORN 926 00:34:51,557 --> 00:34:53,759 IS 'CAUSE YOU GUYS WILL DO THINGS IN THE BEDROOM 927 00:34:53,859 --> 00:34:57,696 THAT YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY, LIKE, COPYING FROM PORN, 928 00:34:57,796 --> 00:35:00,566 LIKE THE SPANKING THING. 929 00:35:00,666 --> 00:35:02,468 WHEN YOU GUYS DO THIS, 930 00:35:02,568 --> 00:35:04,936 WE'RE JUST FRICKIN' LAUGHING AT YOU, OKAY? I'M SORRY. 931 00:35:05,036 --> 00:35:06,305 WE'RE LIKE, "YEAH, I'M A BAD GIRL. 932 00:35:06,405 --> 00:35:09,475 - "PFFFT! - [laughter] 933 00:35:09,575 --> 00:35:12,043 - "WHAT AN IDIOT. - [laughter continues] 934 00:35:12,144 --> 00:35:14,012 PLEASE DON'T FART. PLEASE DON'T FART." 935 00:35:14,112 --> 00:35:16,282 [laughter, applause] 936 00:35:16,382 --> 00:35:19,451 [cheers, applause] 937 00:35:19,551 --> 00:35:21,320 THE NEW THING YOU GUYS ARE DOING IN THE BEDROOM 938 00:35:21,420 --> 00:35:22,988 THAT I KNOW YOU'RE COPYING FROM PORN 939 00:35:23,088 --> 00:35:24,623 IS THE CHOKING THING. 940 00:35:24,723 --> 00:35:26,057 (woman) OH! 941 00:35:26,158 --> 00:35:27,693 YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHO'S BEEN CHOKED. 942 00:35:27,793 --> 00:35:30,529 [laughter, cheers, applause] 943 00:35:31,963 --> 00:35:33,565 IT'S LIKE, 944 00:35:33,665 --> 00:35:35,767 I DIDN'T KNOW THE CHOKING THING WAS GOING ON. 945 00:35:35,867 --> 00:35:38,504 IMAGINE MY SURPRISE... 946 00:35:38,604 --> 00:35:40,606 THE FIRST TIME THAT WENT DOWN, I WAS LIKE, 947 00:35:40,706 --> 00:35:43,475 "UGH. I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE PUT THE MONEY." 948 00:35:43,575 --> 00:35:46,312 [laughter] 949 00:35:48,914 --> 00:35:51,417 THE FUNNY THING TO ME ABOUT THE CHOKING THING 950 00:35:51,517 --> 00:35:53,852 IS IT'S THE ONLY FAKE, LIKE, "I'M GONNA KILL YOU" 951 00:35:53,952 --> 00:35:56,588 THING YOU CAN DO IN THE BEDROOM THAT'S ACTUALLY SEXY. 952 00:35:56,688 --> 00:35:59,258 LIKE, YOU CAN'T MIME ANY OTHER KILLING TACTICS IN THE BEDROOM. 953 00:35:59,358 --> 00:36:01,393 IT'S NOT LIKE 954 00:36:01,493 --> 00:36:03,329 A NAKED GUY CAN COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND BE LIKE... 955 00:36:03,429 --> 00:36:06,198 [imitating Jaws theme] * DA NA 956 00:36:06,298 --> 00:36:08,800 * DA-NA DA-NA DA-NA DA-NA * 957 00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:10,736 [laughter, applause] 958 00:36:12,938 --> 00:36:14,573 GUYS ARE INTO THE CHOKING THING. 959 00:36:14,673 --> 00:36:16,542 SO NOW WHEN A GUY TRIES TO CHOKE ME IN THE BEDROOM, 960 00:36:16,642 --> 00:36:18,143 I'LL JUST GO ALONG WITH IT. I'LL BE LIKE, 961 00:36:18,244 --> 00:36:19,778 "OOH-AH! 962 00:36:19,878 --> 00:36:21,747 [laughter] 963 00:36:21,847 --> 00:36:24,316 "UH-AHH-AHH! 964 00:36:24,416 --> 00:36:26,952 UUUUUAAAAAA..." 965 00:36:27,052 --> 00:36:29,120 YOU GOTTA SELL IT! 966 00:36:29,221 --> 00:36:31,790 [laughter, applause] 967 00:36:31,890 --> 00:36:33,659 I USED TO WORRY ABOUT PORN. 968 00:36:33,759 --> 00:36:35,727 I USED TO BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, MY MAN'S WATCHING PORN." 969 00:36:35,827 --> 00:36:38,163 YOU KNOW, "HE DOESN'T LOVE ME, OR HE'S NOT ATTRACTED TO ME." 970 00:36:38,264 --> 00:36:40,031 PORN IS NOT A THREAT TO OUR RELATIONSHIPS. 971 00:36:40,131 --> 00:36:41,367 I LIKE TO THINK ABOUT IT LIKE THIS-- 972 00:36:41,467 --> 00:36:43,435 GUYS WATCHING PORN 973 00:36:43,535 --> 00:36:46,638 IS LIKE WOMEN WATCHING THE FOOD NETWORK. 974 00:36:46,738 --> 00:36:49,808 'KAY, WE'RE BOTH WATCHING THINGS WE ARE NEVER GONNA FRIGGIN' DO. 975 00:36:49,908 --> 00:36:51,910 [laughter, applause] 976 00:36:53,812 --> 00:36:55,847 WOMEN HAVE OUR OWN VERSION OF PORN, RIGHT? 977 00:36:55,947 --> 00:36:57,716 OUR VERSION OF PORN IS ROMANTIC COMEDIES, RIGHT? 978 00:36:57,816 --> 00:36:59,985 WE COMPARE YOU GUYS TO THE MEN IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES 979 00:37:00,085 --> 00:37:02,254 JUST LIKE YOU COMPARE US TO THE WOMEN IN PORN, RIGHT? 980 00:37:02,354 --> 00:37:04,323 YOU GUYS TAKE US OUT TO A FIVE-STAR RESTAURANT 981 00:37:04,423 --> 00:37:06,024 WITH SHRIMP AND CHAMPAGNE-- IN OUR MINDS WE'RE LIKE, 982 00:37:06,124 --> 00:37:07,959 "YEAH, WELL, MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY TOOK HIS GIRLFRIEND 983 00:37:08,059 --> 00:37:09,828 "INTO A HOT-AIR BALLOON AND GOT HER A DIAMOND NECKLACE 984 00:37:09,928 --> 00:37:12,431 AND A PANDA-- THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!" 985 00:37:12,531 --> 00:37:14,766 ROMANTIC COMEDIES-- THEY BRAINWASH WOMEN. 986 00:37:14,866 --> 00:37:17,369 THEY MAKE US BELIEVE IN, LIKE, "FATE" AND "DESTINY." 987 00:37:17,469 --> 00:37:19,871 FATE AND DESTINY ARE NAMES OF STRIPPERS, OKAY? 988 00:37:19,971 --> 00:37:21,707 THEY'RE NOT REAL... 989 00:37:21,807 --> 00:37:24,443 [laughter, applause] 990 00:37:24,543 --> 00:37:27,012 IT'S WEIRD, THOUGH, BECAUSE ROMANTIC COMEDIES 991 00:37:27,112 --> 00:37:29,315 SET THE BAR SO HIGH FOR YOU GUYS, 992 00:37:29,415 --> 00:37:31,182 BUT WHAT'S WEIRD IS THAT GUYS ARE THE ONES 993 00:37:31,283 --> 00:37:33,319 THAT WRITE ALL THE ROMANTIC COMEDIES. GUYS RUN HOLLYWOOD. 994 00:37:33,419 --> 00:37:35,220 IF WOMEN RAN HOLLYWOOD, THE ROMANTIC COMEDIES WOULD BE 995 00:37:35,321 --> 00:37:37,022 A LOT MORE REALISTIC, SO THERE'D BE 996 00:37:37,122 --> 00:37:39,057 A LOT LESS DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN YOU LEFT THE THEATER. 997 00:37:39,157 --> 00:37:41,693 NO MORE FRIGGIN' MODELS BEING CAST AS THE LEAD OF EVERY MOVIE. 998 00:37:41,793 --> 00:37:43,595 LEAD OF EVERY MOVIE IF WOMEN RAN HOLLYWOOD? 999 00:37:43,695 --> 00:37:46,097 KATHY FREAKIN' BATES, BITCH. 1000 00:37:46,197 --> 00:37:48,199 ANGELINA JOLIE WOULD NEVER WORK AGAIN. 1001 00:37:48,300 --> 00:37:50,235 I DON'T CARE. CAMBODIA CAN FUCKING HAVE HER. 1002 00:37:50,336 --> 00:37:52,871 - FUCK HER. - [laughter] 1003 00:37:52,971 --> 00:37:56,207 [cheers, applause] 1004 00:37:56,308 --> 00:37:59,945 OUR NEW SEXY ACTION STAR-- OPRAH. BAM! 1005 00:38:00,045 --> 00:38:02,714 SHE BLOWS SOME SHIT UP AND EVERYONE GETS A CAR. 1006 00:38:02,814 --> 00:38:04,516 [laughter] 1007 00:38:04,616 --> 00:38:06,485 - I WOULD SEE THAT MOVIE. - [laughter continues] 1008 00:38:06,585 --> 00:38:08,387 IT'S FUNNY, THOUGH, 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE 1009 00:38:08,487 --> 00:38:10,422 ROMANTIC COMEDIES SET THE BAR SO HIGH FOR YOU GUYS. 1010 00:38:10,522 --> 00:38:12,424 WE WANT YOU GUYS TO ACT LIKE THE MEN IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES, 1011 00:38:12,524 --> 00:38:14,192 BUT IF YOU EVER DID ACT LIKE THE MEN IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES, 1012 00:38:14,292 --> 00:38:15,627 IT WOULD TOTALLY BACKFIRE, RIGHT? 1013 00:38:15,727 --> 00:38:17,929 LIKE CARRYING A WOMAN UP THE STAIRS. 1014 00:38:18,029 --> 00:38:19,798 "I'M GONNA CARRY MY WOMAN UP THE STAIRS AND SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET." 1015 00:38:19,898 --> 00:38:21,867 IF YOU GUYS TRY TO DO THAT IN REAL LIFE, 1016 00:38:21,967 --> 00:38:25,036 YOU BETTER MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SO MUCH AS FREAKIN' WINCE. 1017 00:38:25,136 --> 00:38:27,305 [laughter] 1018 00:38:27,406 --> 00:38:29,975 YOU BETTER GO TO THE GYM. 1019 00:38:30,075 --> 00:38:32,644 YOU MAKE SURE YOU CAN LIFT HER WEIGHT, BITCHES... 1020 00:38:32,744 --> 00:38:34,112 [laughter] 1021 00:38:34,212 --> 00:38:35,347 'CAUSE IF THERE IS LIKE A... 1022 00:38:35,447 --> 00:38:38,417 [grunting] 1023 00:38:38,517 --> 00:38:40,018 YOU ARE SO FUCKED. 1024 00:38:40,118 --> 00:38:41,820 [laughter] 1025 00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,390 JUST KILL YOURSELF. LIKE, IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH IT. 1026 00:38:44,490 --> 00:38:46,858 "OH, WHAT, I'M FAT? IS THAT IT, I'M FAT? 1027 00:38:46,958 --> 00:38:49,461 "GEORGE CLOONEY COULD'VE CARRIED ME UP THE STAIRS. 1028 00:38:49,561 --> 00:38:52,464 "RUBEN STUDDARD COULD'VE CARRIED ME UP THE STAIRS. 1029 00:38:52,564 --> 00:38:54,366 YOU HAVE A SMALL DICK!" 1030 00:38:54,466 --> 00:38:57,569 [laughter, applause] 1031 00:38:57,669 --> 00:38:59,671 ANOTHER THING I FEEL LIKE GUYS ARE ALWAYS DOING 1032 00:38:59,771 --> 00:39:01,607 IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES THAT WOULD NEVER FLY IN REAL LIFE 1033 00:39:01,707 --> 00:39:03,842 IS GUYS ARE ALWAYS LIGHTING CANDLES TO BE ROMANTIC. 1034 00:39:03,942 --> 00:39:06,244 NO. WOMEN ARE OBSESSED WITH CANDLES. 1035 00:39:06,344 --> 00:39:07,879 WE'RE LIKE PYROMANIACS, RIGHT? 1036 00:39:07,979 --> 00:39:10,215 YOU GUYS COME OVER. WE HAVE CANDLES EVERYWHERE. 1037 00:39:10,315 --> 00:39:13,685 YOU DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU OR SACRIFICE YOU, RIGHT? 1038 00:39:13,785 --> 00:39:15,754 BUT, GUYS, YOU CANNOT LIGHT CANDLES. 1039 00:39:15,854 --> 00:39:17,923 IF I GO TO A GUY'S HOUSE AND HE'S GOT CANDLES EVERYWHERE, 1040 00:39:18,023 --> 00:39:20,559 I DON'T THINK YOU'RE "ROMANTIC." I THINK YOU TOOK A "DUMP," OKAY? 1041 00:39:20,659 --> 00:39:22,394 [laughter, applause] 1042 00:39:22,494 --> 00:39:24,062 WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. 1043 00:39:24,162 --> 00:39:26,197 STOP-- EHH-- 1044 00:39:26,297 --> 00:39:28,834 TRYIN' TO "GLADE" YOUR WAY OUT OF THAT... 1045 00:39:28,934 --> 00:39:30,502 CHIPOTLE-- JUST STOP. 1046 00:39:30,602 --> 00:39:32,337 [laughter, applause] 1047 00:39:32,438 --> 00:39:33,839 THE OTHER THING GUYS DO IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES 1048 00:39:33,939 --> 00:39:36,241 THAT WOULD NEVER FLY IN REAL LIFE 1049 00:39:36,341 --> 00:39:38,977 IS GUYS ARE ALWAYS, LIKE, SHOWING UP UNANNOUNCED. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 1050 00:39:39,077 --> 00:39:41,312 LIKE, I WAS WATCHING ONE, WHERE THIS WOMAN WAS LIKE, GARDENING OR SOMETHING 1051 00:39:41,413 --> 00:39:43,482 AND THE GUY WAS LIKE, STANDING THERE, 1052 00:39:43,582 --> 00:39:45,917 AND SHE TURNS AROUND, SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?" 1053 00:39:46,017 --> 00:39:47,853 AND THE GUY WAS LIKE, "I JUST HAD TO SEE YOU." 1054 00:39:47,953 --> 00:39:49,254 FIRST OF ALL, IT'S 2010. 1055 00:39:49,354 --> 00:39:50,989 YOU CAN SEND A FUCKING TEXT, OKAY? 1056 00:39:51,089 --> 00:39:53,324 STOP BEING A CREEPY STALKER. IT'S WEIRD. 1057 00:39:53,425 --> 00:39:56,462 SECOND OF ALL, WOMEN, WE DO NOT LIKE BEING SNUCK UP ON, OKAY? 1058 00:39:56,562 --> 00:39:58,464 I NEED A LOT OF TIME BEFORE I SEE MY MAN. 1059 00:39:58,564 --> 00:40:00,165 A LOT OF THINGS NEED TO GO DOWN 1060 00:40:00,265 --> 00:40:01,733 BEFORE I SEE MY MAN. 1061 00:40:01,833 --> 00:40:03,401 I DON'T WANT ANY SURPRISES, ALL RIGHT? 1062 00:40:03,502 --> 00:40:04,970 I GOT TO GET THE BABY WIPES OUT... 1063 00:40:05,070 --> 00:40:07,038 [laughter] 1064 00:40:07,138 --> 00:40:09,508 [laughter, applause] 1065 00:40:09,608 --> 00:40:11,577 I GOT TO GET SOME UNDER-EYE CONCEALER 1066 00:40:11,677 --> 00:40:13,244 SO I DON'T LOOK LIKE AN AVATAR. 1067 00:40:13,344 --> 00:40:15,180 A LOT OF THINGS HAVE TO GO DOWN, OKAY? 1068 00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:17,015 BUT IT'S SO CRAZY, 'CAUSE WOMEN, 1069 00:40:17,115 --> 00:40:19,250 WE PUT SO MUCH EFFORT INTO GETTING READY-- 1070 00:40:19,350 --> 00:40:21,252 HOURS BEFORE WE LEAVE THE HOUSE, RIGHT? 1071 00:40:21,352 --> 00:40:23,388 HAIR AND MAKEUP AND SHAVING AND TWEEZING 1072 00:40:23,489 --> 00:40:25,390 AND PLUCKING AND EYELINER-- WHICH IS RIDICULOUS, 1073 00:40:25,491 --> 00:40:27,358 'CAUSE WOMEN ARE NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL, RIGHT? 1074 00:40:27,459 --> 00:40:29,427 YOU GUYS DON'T NEED ANY MAKEUP. WOMEN WAKE UP IN THE MORNING 1075 00:40:29,528 --> 00:40:31,463 AND ARE NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL, PERIOD. 1076 00:40:31,563 --> 00:40:33,965 YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING... 1077 00:40:34,065 --> 00:40:35,467 [laughter, applause] 1078 00:40:35,567 --> 00:40:37,235 AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. 1079 00:40:37,335 --> 00:40:38,837 YOU JUST ROLL OUT OF BED WITH THOSE BALLS. 1080 00:40:38,937 --> 00:40:40,906 - HOW DARE YOU? - [laughter, cheers, applause] 1081 00:40:41,006 --> 00:40:44,676 THEY ARE SO AWFUL. THEY'RE EMBARRASSING. 1082 00:40:44,776 --> 00:40:47,078 THAT'S WHAT NEEDS THREE HOURS OF MAKEUP, RIGHT THERE-- 1083 00:40:47,178 --> 00:40:50,181 - [laughter, applause] - SOME CONCEALER, YEAH. 1084 00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,217 MAYBE A HOT IRON TO... 1085 00:40:52,317 --> 00:40:54,119 IRON OUT THOSE WRINKLES, PLEASE. 1086 00:40:54,219 --> 00:40:56,655 [laughter, applause] 1087 00:40:56,755 --> 00:40:59,024 BUT THE ONE THING YOU GUYS DO HAVE TO DO-- 1088 00:40:59,124 --> 00:41:01,092 LIKE, SHAVE YOUR FACE-- YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DO IT. 1089 00:41:01,192 --> 00:41:03,294 IF YOU GUYS DON'T SHAVE, IT'S SEXY-- IT'S DISTINGUISHED. 1090 00:41:03,394 --> 00:41:04,930 IF WE DON'T SHAVE, "WE'RE LESBIANS." 1091 00:41:05,030 --> 00:41:07,398 - THAT'S HOW THAT GOES DOWN. - [laughter] 1092 00:41:07,499 --> 00:41:09,100 WOMEN-- WE TORTURE OURSELVES, RIGHT? 1093 00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:10,702 AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, 1094 00:41:10,802 --> 00:41:12,671 WOMEN ARE WEARING SO MANY TORTURE DEVICES. 1095 00:41:12,771 --> 00:41:14,806 LIKE, THONG UNDERWEAR-- WHO INVENTED THAT? 1096 00:41:14,906 --> 00:41:16,241 FUCK YOU. 1097 00:41:16,341 --> 00:41:18,043 [women cheering] 1098 00:41:18,143 --> 00:41:20,078 IT IS TERRIBLE. 1099 00:41:20,178 --> 00:41:23,314 LIKE, YOU KNOW A WOMAN DID NOT INVENT THONG UNDERWEAR, 1100 00:41:23,414 --> 00:41:25,316 'CAUSE NO WOMAN WAS EVER STANDING AROUND 1101 00:41:25,416 --> 00:41:27,452 IN FULL UNDERWEAR AND WAS LIKE, 1102 00:41:27,553 --> 00:41:29,988 "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE? 1103 00:41:30,088 --> 00:41:31,489 [laughing] 1104 00:41:31,590 --> 00:41:34,225 "IF ALL OF THIS FABRIC... 1105 00:41:34,325 --> 00:41:38,063 [laughter] 1106 00:41:38,163 --> 00:41:39,998 "WAS JUST... 1107 00:41:40,098 --> 00:41:43,501 "LIKE, VIOLENTLY... 1108 00:41:43,602 --> 00:41:46,805 "RIDING UP MY ASSHOLE. 1109 00:41:46,905 --> 00:41:49,007 "IS THERE A WAY YOU CAN GET ALL THIS FABRIC 1110 00:41:49,107 --> 00:41:51,242 "TO JUST TRY TO RAPE MY BUTT HOLE? 1111 00:41:51,342 --> 00:41:52,644 "IS THAT...? 1112 00:41:52,744 --> 00:41:54,279 [laughter, cheering] 1113 00:41:54,379 --> 00:41:55,814 "I WANT IT JUST TO FEEL LIKE 1114 00:41:55,914 --> 00:41:58,750 "A RUBBER BAND IS SNAPPING... 1115 00:41:58,850 --> 00:42:00,686 "I WANT IT TO FEEL LIKE AN ALLIGATOR IS ACTUALLY 1116 00:42:00,786 --> 00:42:02,387 EATING ME OUT-- CAN YOU DO THAT?" 1117 00:42:02,487 --> 00:42:04,923 [laughter, applause] 1118 00:42:05,023 --> 00:42:06,925 WHAT IS THE POINT OF THONG UNDERWEAR? 1119 00:42:07,025 --> 00:42:09,628 THE POINT IS SO THAT WE DON'T HAVE PANTY LINES. 1120 00:42:09,728 --> 00:42:11,697 FOR WHAT? YOU THINK IN THE HISTORY OF TIME 1121 00:42:11,797 --> 00:42:13,665 ANY GUY WAS EVER STANDING AROUND, 1122 00:42:13,765 --> 00:42:16,467 LIKE, AT A NIGHTCLUB BAR WITH HIS BUDDY AND WAS LIKE-- 1123 00:42:16,568 --> 00:42:19,037 THIS IS MY BUDDY, BY THE WAY-- UM... 1124 00:42:19,137 --> 00:42:21,272 HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, DUDE, CHECK OUT THAT GIRL. 1125 00:42:21,372 --> 00:42:22,874 "OH, MY GOD, SHE IS SO HOT. 1126 00:42:22,974 --> 00:42:24,943 "SHE'S SO SEXY. I'VE GOT TO TALK TO HER. 1127 00:42:25,043 --> 00:42:27,312 ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HER. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." 1128 00:42:27,412 --> 00:42:30,115 [laughter] 1129 00:42:30,215 --> 00:42:31,683 "DUDE, DUDE... 1130 00:42:31,783 --> 00:42:34,119 "WHAT ARE THOSE LINES? 1131 00:42:34,219 --> 00:42:36,087 [laughter] 1132 00:42:36,187 --> 00:42:38,456 OH, MY GOD, NEVER MIND. THAT'S DISGUSTING." 1133 00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:40,125 - [laughter] - IT'S RIDICULOUS. 1134 00:42:40,225 --> 00:42:42,027 AND MOST OF THESE TORTURE DEVICES MEN INVENTED. 1135 00:42:42,127 --> 00:42:43,729 YOU KNOW GUYS INVENTED HIGH-HEEL SHOES. 1136 00:42:43,829 --> 00:42:45,731 THAT WAS A GUY'S INVENTION, 1137 00:42:45,831 --> 00:42:47,498 WHICH I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT THIS. 1138 00:42:47,599 --> 00:42:49,400 I HAVE A THEORY THAT, LIKE, 200 YEARS AGO, 1139 00:42:49,500 --> 00:42:51,803 WOMEN WERE WEARING FLAT SHOES GETTING WHERE THEY NEEDED TO GO. 1140 00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:53,772 A BUNCH OF GUYS GOT IN A ROOM, AND THEY WERE LIKE, 1141 00:42:53,872 --> 00:42:55,907 "GOD, THESE WOMEN, THEY ARE GORGEOUS. 1142 00:42:56,007 --> 00:42:57,508 "THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS 1143 00:42:57,609 --> 00:42:59,678 "THEY ARE REALLY HARD TO HAVE SEX WITH. 1144 00:42:59,778 --> 00:43:01,647 "I MEAN, THEY CAN JUST GET UP 1145 00:43:01,747 --> 00:43:03,949 - "AND WALK AWAY. - [laughter] 1146 00:43:04,049 --> 00:43:05,884 "WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO JUST SLOW 'EM DOWN. 1147 00:43:05,984 --> 00:43:07,986 "WHAT IF WE JUST PUT, LIKE, A FOUR-INCH BRICK 1148 00:43:08,086 --> 00:43:10,188 ON THE BACK OF THEIR FOOT? YOU THINK THEY'D DO THAT?" 1149 00:43:10,288 --> 00:43:11,923 AND IT WORKS, 'CAUSE I'VE TALKED TO GUYS 1150 00:43:12,023 --> 00:43:13,925 EXTRA HOURS LONGER THAN I WANTED TO 1151 00:43:14,025 --> 00:43:15,961 'CAUSE MY FEET WERE FRICKIN' KILLING ME. 1152 00:43:16,061 --> 00:43:17,963 I'VE GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE I'M JUST LIKE, "DUDE, 1153 00:43:18,063 --> 00:43:20,231 "CAN I JUST HAVE THAT ROOFIE NOW, 'CAUSE MY FEET... 1154 00:43:20,331 --> 00:43:21,566 "I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING. 1155 00:43:21,667 --> 00:43:23,869 PLEASE." 1156 00:43:23,969 --> 00:43:26,137 THOSE HEELS-- YOU KNOW THEY CALL THOSE REALLY HIGH HEELS-- 1157 00:43:26,237 --> 00:43:28,674 THEY CALL THEM "FUCK-ME HEELS." THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL THEM. 1158 00:43:28,774 --> 00:43:30,375 'CAUSE WHEN YOU PUT 'EM ON, YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, FUCK ME. 1159 00:43:30,475 --> 00:43:31,810 REALLY? WE'RE DOING THIS AGAIN?" 1160 00:43:31,910 --> 00:43:33,712 I DON'T LIKE TO WEAR FUCK-ME HEELS. 1161 00:43:33,812 --> 00:43:35,380 I LIKE TO WEAR... 1162 00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:37,916 "LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS" SNEAKERS. 1163 00:43:38,016 --> 00:43:40,886 [laughter, cheers, applause] 1164 00:43:43,388 --> 00:43:46,291 GUYS ALSO INVENTED UNDERWIRE BRAS, WHICH AGAIN, 1165 00:43:46,391 --> 00:43:48,994 ONLY A GUY'S INSENSITIVE MIND WOULD COME UP WITH THAT. 1166 00:43:49,094 --> 00:43:51,129 'CAUSE ONLY A GUY'S MIND WOULD BE SO INSENSITIVE 1167 00:43:51,229 --> 00:43:53,699 THAT THEY WOULD SEE A SOFT BRA WITH A WOMAN'S BOOBS 1168 00:43:53,799 --> 00:43:55,767 AND WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT THAT THING NEEDS? 1169 00:43:55,867 --> 00:43:58,970 I THINK THAT NEEDS A SKEWER RIGHT THROUGH..." 1170 00:43:59,070 --> 00:44:01,272 IT'S NOT A KABOB. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 1171 00:44:01,372 --> 00:44:03,008 THIS ISN'T FUCKING FIGHT CLUB. 1172 00:44:03,108 --> 00:44:05,010 WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD? 1173 00:44:05,110 --> 00:44:07,412 AND THEN IN THE '70s WOMEN STARTED GETTING PISSED OFF 1174 00:44:07,512 --> 00:44:08,980 'CAUSE THEY HURT SO MUCH, RIGHT? 1175 00:44:09,080 --> 00:44:10,716 AND THEN WOMEN STARTED BURNING THEIR BRAS. 1176 00:44:10,816 --> 00:44:13,318 AND THEN GUYS INVENTED WATER BRAS... 1177 00:44:13,418 --> 00:44:15,286 SO WE COULDN'T BURN 'EM ANYMORE. 1178 00:44:15,386 --> 00:44:17,188 - [laughter] - THAT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY SMART. 1179 00:44:17,288 --> 00:44:19,157 I GOTTA GIVE YOU A GOLD STAR FOR THAT. 1180 00:44:19,257 --> 00:44:21,159 AND THEN THEY WERE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? 1181 00:44:21,259 --> 00:44:22,861 THESE WOMEN-- STILL, THE BOOBS ARE NOT BIG ENOUGH." 1182 00:44:22,961 --> 00:44:24,529 AND THEN YOU GUYS INVENTED BREAST IMPLANTS. 1183 00:44:24,629 --> 00:44:25,931 WHAT? THE NEXT STEP WAS CUT 'EM OPEN 1184 00:44:26,031 --> 00:44:27,565 AND FILL THEM WITH JELL-O? 1185 00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:29,434 ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? 1186 00:44:29,534 --> 00:44:31,002 WOMEN, DO NOT GET BREAST IMPLANTS. 1187 00:44:31,102 --> 00:44:34,305 DO NOT LET SOCIETY'S IDEAL OF BEAUTY-- 1188 00:44:34,405 --> 00:44:35,707 - [cheers, applause] - YEAH... 1189 00:44:35,807 --> 00:44:37,342 MESS WITH YOUR SELF-WORTH. 1190 00:44:37,442 --> 00:44:39,911 DO NOT GET-- LOVE YOUR BODY, FUCK THE MEDIA. 1191 00:44:40,011 --> 00:44:42,480 IT'S ALL PHOTOSHOP. LOVE YOUR BODY-- YEAH. 1192 00:44:42,580 --> 00:44:44,182 SERIOUS NOTE FROM WHITNEY CUMMINGS. 1193 00:44:44,282 --> 00:44:45,884 - UM... - [laughter] 1194 00:44:45,984 --> 00:44:47,585 BUT YOU ALSO DON'T WANNA GET BREAST IMPLANTS, 1195 00:44:47,685 --> 00:44:49,254 'CAUSE IF YOU GET BREAST IMPLANTS, 1196 00:44:49,354 --> 00:44:51,356 YOU'RE JUST GONNA ATTRACT THE WRONG KIND OF GUY. 1197 00:44:51,456 --> 00:44:53,124 EVERY GUY IN AN ED HARDY SHIRT IS GONNA WANT TO TALK TO YOU. 1198 00:44:53,224 --> 00:44:55,460 - IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? - [laughter, applause] 1199 00:44:55,560 --> 00:44:57,562 EVERY GUY IN A BLUETOOTH HEADSET 1200 00:44:57,662 --> 00:44:59,597 WITH FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF HIS CAR, 1201 00:44:59,697 --> 00:45:01,767 STITCHING ON HIS JEANS... 1202 00:45:01,867 --> 00:45:04,269 - IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? - [laughter, applause] 1203 00:45:06,972 --> 00:45:08,673 SEE, I DON'T HAVE ANY BOOBS, 1204 00:45:08,774 --> 00:45:10,842 - AND MY LIFE IS QUIET. - [laughter] 1205 00:45:10,942 --> 00:45:12,710 NO ONE TRIES TO TALK TO ME. 1206 00:45:12,811 --> 00:45:14,780 I CAN GO INTO A NIGHTCLUB. NO ONE HARASSES ME. 1207 00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:16,815 NO ONE EVEN TRIES TO HUG ME. THIS IS NO FUN. 1208 00:45:16,915 --> 00:45:18,616 NO ONE WANTS TO DO THE STERNUM BUMP. 1209 00:45:18,716 --> 00:45:20,351 - IT'S NOT FUN. - [laughter] 1210 00:45:20,451 --> 00:45:21,920 I WALK BY A CONSTRUCTION SITE-- 1211 00:45:22,020 --> 00:45:24,689 - SHOOOO...QUIET. - [laughter] 1212 00:45:24,790 --> 00:45:26,191 EVERY NOW AND THEN A CONSTRUCTION GUY'LL BE LIKE, 1213 00:45:26,291 --> 00:45:28,827 - "YO, WHAT'S UP, DUDE?" - [laughter] 1214 00:45:28,927 --> 00:45:31,529 WHICH-- I DON'T GET THAT. WHAT IS THE YELLING AT WOMEN? 1215 00:45:31,629 --> 00:45:33,231 WHAT IS THE-- YELLING AT STRANGERS? 1216 00:45:33,331 --> 00:45:35,100 WHAT IS THAT? WHAT DOES THAT ACCOMPLISH? 1217 00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:36,902 LIKE, DO YOU THINK IN THIS HISTORY OF TIME 1218 00:45:37,002 --> 00:45:40,238 FIVE DUDES IN THE BACK OF A TRUCK 1219 00:45:40,338 --> 00:45:44,142 YELLING AT A GIRL JOGGING HAS EVER WORKED? 1220 00:45:44,242 --> 00:45:46,812 DO YOU THINK IN THE HISTORY OF TIME ANY GIRL WAS EVER LIKE... 1221 00:45:46,912 --> 00:45:48,847 [breathing heavily] 1222 00:45:48,947 --> 00:45:51,049 AND HEARD, "AY-YI-YI-YI, LET ME SEE THOSE TITTIES!" 1223 00:45:51,149 --> 00:45:54,285 [laughter] 1224 00:46:08,366 --> 00:46:10,168 LIKE, DO YOU THINK IN THE HISTORY OF TIME 1225 00:46:10,268 --> 00:46:12,137 ANYONE EVER SAT DOWN WITH A HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLE 1226 00:46:12,237 --> 00:46:14,572 AND WAS LIKE, "HEY, SO HOW DID YOU TWO MEET?" 1227 00:46:14,672 --> 00:46:16,107 AND THE GIRL'S LIKE, "WELL, UH, 1228 00:46:16,207 --> 00:46:18,243 "ONE MORNING I WAS JOGGING, 1229 00:46:18,343 --> 00:46:21,646 "AND THIS TRUCK FULL OF FIVE DUDES DROVE BY. 1230 00:46:21,746 --> 00:46:23,114 "ONE OF THEM YELLED OUT, 1231 00:46:23,214 --> 00:46:25,350 "'I WANNA PUT IT IN YOUR BUTT,' 1232 00:46:25,450 --> 00:46:26,818 [laughter] 1233 00:46:26,918 --> 00:46:28,719 AND I WAS LIKE, 'HE'S THE ONE.'" 1234 00:46:28,820 --> 00:46:30,922 [laughter, applause] 1235 00:46:31,022 --> 00:46:32,924 I LOVE YOU GUYS. I'M WHITNEY CUMMINGS. THANK YOU SO MUCH! 1236 00:46:33,024 --> 00:46:35,060 - [cheers and applause] - THANK YOU! 1237 00:46:40,731 --> 00:46:43,068 WOW! 1238 00:46:43,168 --> 00:46:44,569 OH, WOW! 1239 00:46:44,669 --> 00:46:46,737 THANK YOU! OH, GOD! 1240 00:46:46,838 --> 00:46:49,107 OH, WOW! THANK YOU! OH, WOW! THANK YOU! 1241 00:46:49,207 --> 00:46:50,741 OH, WOW! 1242 00:46:50,842 --> 00:46:53,178 [cheers, whistles, applause] 1243 00:46:53,278 --> 00:46:54,679 THANK YOU. 1244 00:46:54,779 --> 00:46:56,581 [cheers, whistles, applause] 1245 00:46:56,681 --> 00:46:58,249 THANK YOU. 1246 00:47:06,657 --> 00:47:09,260 THANK YOU. 1247 00:47:09,360 --> 00:47:10,495 THANK YOU. 1248 00:48:11,856 --> 00:48:13,258 DEAD EYES 96784

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