Original subtitles

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[WHISPERING] Frank.

Frank, wake up.

I'm sorry, from the back, you both look the same.

What, honey?

Frank, I think I hear strange footsteps in the house.

Mommy.

Where are you, Mommy?

I need you.

Oh, he must be sleepwalking.

Aw, jeez.

Hey, Mommy, I'm really scared tonight.

Can I sleep with you and Daddy?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Now, no, no, no.

Mommy, I love you and Daddy.

-[GRUNTS] -[LAUGHS]

That does it.

I'm waking him up and he's getting out of here.

No, Frank! You can't wake up a sleepwalker.

It can cause severe trauma and confusion.

Carol, it's Cody. Who's gonna notice the difference?

Cody?

Yes, Mommy?

Yeah, Cody, how old are you, Cody?

-I'm this many. -Ah!

He thinks he's five years old.

Yeah, I can see that.

Well, five years old, is a big boy.

And big boys sleep in their own...

vans.

-Come on, go to sleep in your van. -Okay.

Here we go. [CHUCKLES] Whoopee.

-Hey, Daddy. -Huh?

Would you sing me a song and tuck me in?

Now, you're getting on my nerves.

Come on, Frank.

[CRYING]

All right! Oh! Okay, okay, okay, okay.

We'll sing a song.

-♪ Itsy bitsy spider -♪ Itsy bitsy spider

♪ Went up the waterspout

[LAUGHS]

♪ Down came the rain and washed the spider out ♪

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

So, as you've probably found in your readings,

Plato and Nietzsche weren't just philosophers,

they were pioneers in the field of ethics.

Okay, that's all for today.

I've graded your papers. You can pick them up on the way out.

[GROANING]

Mmm-hmm, groaning, that's exactly what I did when I read most of your papers.

But happily, one did stand out.

So much so that I gave it an A+.

Okay, see you Thursday.

[CHUCKLES]

Gee, an A+.

I wonder who could've gotten that?

Maybe it's me.

Yeah, right, you don't even know how to spell "A+."

All right, fine, you got the highest grade in the class.

You're still stuck with that face.

-[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY] -[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]

Thank you, Professor Flynn.

You're welcome, Ms. Foster.

J.T., you did a great job on this paper.

Thank you.

You keep this up, and you could end up being my favorite student.

You gave me an A+.

Oh, man, I haven't gotten one of these since Coloring.

[LAUGHS]

So, Dana, how's that A+, huh?

[SIGHS] I can't believe this. She gave me a B.

I mean, I'm the smartest person in there.

If I didn't get the A+, then who did?

Gee, I don't know.

Could it be... me?

[LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY]

-Give me that. -Yeah.

You got an A+?

That's right, Barky. Eat my GPA.

This stinks.

I'm going back there and I'm talking to Professor Flynn about this.

You do that.

I'm gonna get this thing framed.

No, I'm not seeing Phil anymore.

Actually, there's a new guy that I'm very interested in.

[LAUGHS] No, he's a student. His name is J.T.

I know he's young.

But I can't help it. He's got a cute butt.

"Cute butt"?

Yeah, I buttered him up by giving him an A+

and tonight, I'm going to invite him over to my place

and show him the true meaning of "teacher's pet."

[GIGGLES]

I'm telling you Al, when I get this barbecue put together,

I'll be able to cook 400 hot dogs in an hour.

That's great, Dad.

Yeah, bud.

What's all this?

Dad's becoming the Wiener King.

Oh, honey, I'm telling you, I got the deal of the century

on the top of the line, outdoor, meat grilling system.

I mean, it's got three cooking surfaces,

a smoker, a rotisserie, and enough propane to launch a rocket.

Frank, why on earth do we need the "mother of all barbecues?"

You're not a man, are you?

You just don't understand the beauty, honey,

of 15,000 BTUs scorching their way through a hunk of raw meat.

Now, that's manly.

I'm telling you, honey, when I get this bad boy fired up,

you'll be able to shove a cow in one end, and get burgers and steaks out of the other.

Yeah, and you're putting this inferno together yourself?

Uh-huh, you betcha.

Don't you think you oughtta even look at the directions?

[CHUCKLES] Honey, directions are for people who have no idea what they're doing.

Wouldn't that be you?

[CLICKS TONGUE] Carol, I am a contractor. I build houses.

How tough can a barbecue be?

Yeah, well, that's what you said when you fixed the water heater

and you blew off the side of the house.

[SCOFFS]

Women.

"Intermittent flow restrictor valve."

[SCOFFS]

[CHUCKLES]

J.T., I just want you to know I was right.

You didn't deserve that A+.

[CHUCKLES] Dana, babe, let it go, huh.

If you keep harping on this, you're just gonna wind up a bitter old hag.

Oh! It's too late. [LAUGHS]

For your information,

the only reason you got that A+

is because the professor wants to seduce you.

Get out of here.

I overheard her on the phone.

She's going to invite you to her apartment tonight

for a little horizontal teacher's conference.

Yeah, right, Dana.

Not only does this gorgeous babe give me an A+, but she also wants to jump my bones?

[SCOFFS] Yeah, right, Dana. I should be so lucky.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Yeah, this is J.T.

Hi, Professor Flynn.

Oh!

[WHISPERS] I told you! I told you!

Sure, I'd be happy to help you do some research.

Oh! Research!

Right, right. 315 Sycamore Lane,

-Apartment 207. -[SCOFFS]

All right. Yeah, fine. See you at 8:00.

-Bye. -Ah!

See?

My God, Dana, you were right.

She wants to get me over there so she can have her way with me.

Yes! Yes! Touchdown!

You the man!

I can't believe you're going to do this.

What's so hard to believe, Dana?

I'll get great grades in school,

a little hands on tutoring at night.

I'm not seeing a down side here, Dana.

J.T., I know this seems like your dream come true,

but your first time should be something special.

It should be with somebody that you love.

[SCOFFS] And who says this is my first time?

Okay, it's my first time.

But... But so what, Dana?

I've been to the zoo, I know what goes where.

J.T., I never thought I would say this, but you are not a zoo animal.

Sex is a lot more than "what goes where."

[SIGHS] It's about feelings and emotions and intimacy.

If you sleep with this woman that you barely know,

it'll be cheap, tawdry, and loveless.

I mean, is that what you want for your first memory of love?

Yeah, buddy!

[LAUGHS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi.

Hi.

Come on in.

Wow, Professor Flynn, you look a lot different than you do in class.

[CHUCKLES]

Listen, why don't you call me by my first name.

Which is?

Heather.

Heather, you mean like Locklear?

Exactly.

Wow!

Would you, uh, like some wine?

Sure. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[UNCORKS BOTTLE]

So, you're a teacher, huh?

That's right.

Wow, that's great.

I've had a lot of teachers.

No, I don't mean, "had" in the biblical sense,

I mean, I was just in their class, yeah.

Look, you seem a little nervous.

You know, there's no reason to be.

Nervous? No way, I'm not nervous.

[LAMP CLATTERING]

[CHUCKLES]

So,

what's this research project you wanted to talk to me about?

J.T., I have a confession to make.

I didn't invite you over here to do research.

I invited you because...

I find you very...

very attractive.

Wow, I think you're great looking, too.

As a matter of fact, you are the prettiest teacher I've had

since Ms. Bostock in kindergarten.

-Oh, man, that was lame. -No.

Actually, it was very sweet.

But I guarantee after tonight,

you're gonna forget all about Ms. Bostock,

because I'm going to teach you things you never learned in grade school.

[COUGHS]

That's great. But, uh, I thought we'd talk first.

Well, I'd rather do this.

[CHUCKLES] Oh.

That was great, too...

but if we're gonna get friendly, and you obviously want to get friendly,

then, uh, maybe we should get to know each other, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I already know everything I need to know about you.

You're here and you're cute.

Okay, I'll talk first.

I was born in Sheboygan. I have a hobby, I like fishing.

Do you like fishing?

Shut up, J.T.

Oh, I caught my first big mouth bass when I was nine.

Ah! Do you know...

Do you know why they call it a big mouth bass?

I don't care.

[GROANS] You know,

it's getting just a tad bit warm in here.

I can definitely take care of that.

Hey, look, look, hey. I think I want to stop.

Why?

[SIGHS] I don't think I can do this.

Don't you want me?

[SCOFFS] More than my next five minutes of oxygen.

Then what's the problem?

[SIGHS]

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I don't want to sleep with you.

[SIGHS] I told you, you don't have to be nervous.

Just relax and I'll take care of everything.

[WHIMPERS]

Oh, God, I know we don't talk much, but I could use your help right now.

Look, look, look, I got to get out of here before I do something I'm gonna regret.

Are you sure?

No, that's why I'm leaving.

Oh, man.

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

This is all your fault, Dana.

What are you talking about?

[SCOFFS] Oh, like you don't know.

[IN MOCKING VOICE] "Your first time should be something special.

"It should be with somebody you really love."

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yeah, right. Thanks for putting all that junk in my head, Dana.

You ruined my night.

You mean, you didn't have sex?

Do I look like a man that had sex?

J.T., I am amazed.

Despite the fact that temptation was staring you in the face,

you actually did the right thing.

I mean... I mean, here is this gorgeous woman,

and all she wants to do is have sex with you.

I mean, she's practically saying,

"Here, take me.

"Rip off all my clothes.

"Do whatever you want with me.

"I mean, let your hands roam free..."

Dana, Dana, you don't have to paint me a picture.

I was there.

Oh, man, I don't even want to talk about it anymore.

I'm gonna go upstairs and take a very nice, long, cold shower.

Oh, man.

J.T.?

What?

I don't know if this means anything to you,

but based on the decision you made tonight,

you definitely deserve an A+ in ethics.

Yeah, right, Dana. I'm a saint.

Great.

But do me a favor.

The next time a gorgeous babe throws herself at me,

keep your mouth shut.

-No, no, no, honey, I want you to see it work. -Okay, okay.

Come on, everybody!

Hey, Cody, Son, come here. I want you to see it work.

Ah, well, there it is.

The Meatmaster 5,000.

Wow, Dad, that looks pretty cool.

Yeah, well, Son, some day this'll all be yours.

Hey, Frank, what are all these extra parts for?

Ah, who knows?

Frank, they look kind of important.

Hey, Carol, let me explain to you how this works, okay?

At the factory, they give a part-time job to some dopey college kid.

He doesn't have anything to do,

so he puts a lot of extra parts in a bag and throws them in a box.

It's not important. Okay?

You ready?

Gas on.

Ignition.

[GAS HISSING]

CODY: Whoa.

-Huh? Huh? Huh? -Let's go.

[ALL SCREAMING]

CAROL: Frank, look at that!

[ALL SCREAMING]

[CLAMORING]

[FIRE EXTINGUISHER HISSING]

Just guessing here, but I think this baby might be the fuel regulator.

[SCREAMING]

Who's there?

It's me, Mommy, we're gonna have to hurry.

Oh, God, it's Baby Huey, again.

Yeah, I'll help you pack.

Now, let's see,

we're gonna need a nightgown.

We're gonna have to hurry if we're gonna get you to the hospital on time.

I'll meet you in the car.

We can't let him take the car, Frank.

He could drive it off a cliff.

Well, honey, it's not like we don't have another car.

-Frank, would you go wake him. -Yeah, okay.

-And do it gently. -Okay.

Hey, uh, Cody.

Yes, Daddy?

Cody.

I love you, Daddy.

Cody!

Whoa, Uncle Frank.

Yeah.

Carol, hey.

Whoa.

Was I sleepwalking again?

Yes.

Whew! Why do I keep doing that?

Well, I don't know, pal.

But you were talking like a five-year-old, again.

You know, one of my [YAWNS] customers at the shop told me,

you know, that sometimes people sleepwalk

when they're trying to work out a problem in their subconscious.

You know, maybe something traumatic happened to you when you were five years old.

Well, the only thing that happened to me that year

was my baby sister was born in the back of a cab and I was there to see it.

[CHUCKLES]

Man, there was birth goo all over the place. [LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

I thought my mom was going to die.

I thought my baby sister was going to die, too.

I thought my Dad was going to lose his mind.

And then I'd be like this poor little five-year-old kid,

all alone in the world, with no family, you know.

Why would that traumatize anybody?

Cody, that's it.

You had this horrible experienceas a kid

and now you're worried that I won't get to the hospital in time.

Whoa, moment of clarity.

Hey, now I know why I've been sleepwalking.

Cody, you know, that must have been a really scary thing for you as a kid.

But, you know, your sister turned out fine.

And your parents are fine, too.

Yeah. And listen, don't worry, pal.

I'm gonna make sure that Carol gets to the hospital on time.

Wow, that's good news for me. [LAUGHS]

Good news for your auto upholstery, too.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you what.

We've all had a real busy night.

Why don't we all just, you know, turn in and get some sleep.

We'll all just go to sleep.

Yeah, I'd love to, Uncle Frank,

but I'll tell you, you know,

you guys opened the flood gates to all my childhood memories, you know.

-Oh. -Uh-oh, incoming trauma.

Dude, I remember when I was six...

Man, I went to go visit my cousin's farm, you know.

And I was gonna milk the cow, but I accidently tried to milk the bull.

[CHUCKLES]

Needless to say, he was not too pleased with the whole thing.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, when I was seven I went to go visit my grandma.

CODY: I accidentally walked in on her in the shower.[SHUDDERING] Oh, boy.

I thought that bull was ugly...

[CODY GROANS]