All language subtitles for Schitts Creek - 06x08 - The Presidential Suite.CookieMonster.English.C

Well, this is a big moment

in the expansion of Rosebud Motel Group.

Today we cut the ribbon
on a new Rosebud Motel.

Can I take my blindfold off now?

Oh, not yet, honey, we gotta
wait for Johnny's big reveal.

- Okay.
- Let's get to it, let's cut the ribbon.

Roland. Okay.
Wanna hold that? Stevie,

you wanna hold this, hold it up?

Mr. Rose, do we really need to do this.

Yeah, yes, yes we do. Moira, scissors.

Hey, how about a drum roll, Stevie?

- I'd rather not.
- Yeah, you know what,

I'm just gonna take off the blindfold.

Okay. Moira, scissors please.

Okay, what are these?
These won't cut a ribbon.

They're cuticle shears, John.

Do you expect hedge clippers
to be drawn from my purse?

Okay, alright,

hold it up and hold it taut please.

I'm sorry, taut?

What is that, old English?

How bout I hold it tight?

Mr. Rose, just cut the ribbon.

- Pull it, pull it.
- Okay.

- Here we go. Okay.
- Cut it.

How long is this gonna take, Johnny,

should I cancel my New Year's plans?

Okay, you know what, just
drop the ribbon, drop it.

- Alright.
- Yay.

Okay, step one now complete,

onto step two.

- And what would that entail?
- Deep cleaning the rooms.

Well, I'd like to be put
to use, what's step three?

You know, I think I need to lie down,

that blindfold was quite taut.

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --

That's me in front of a volcano.

Yeah.

In the jungle, in outer space,

that's another volcano.

As maid of honor, I
pick the second volcano.

Okay, you are hanging
onto that job by a thread.

Ray, do you have anything
that'll make us look

a little less like the kind of couple

that gets married at a theme park?

Oh, I think what David is trying to say

- is maybe something a little simpler.
- Yeah I'm looking for understated,

Annie Leibowitz for Vanity Fair.

I want us to look like
two very rich people

that have just woken up after fainting

- on a dusty old couch.
- Mmm.

I don't know if you've
thought about wedding favors,

but might I suggest mouse pads,

I got thousands downstairs.

- Let me get you some samples.
- Wonderful.

Okay, as maid of
honor, I have to say...

You don't have to say anything.

Anyway, I thought it would be festive

if I got you a little pre-wedding gift.

- What?
- Mhmm.

I am sending you to get pampered

- before this afternoon's shoot.
- Do I get pampered?

No, you get to drive him to the spa

where he will indulge in a relaxing

five minute scalp massage

followed by some light sun.

That'll also give me enough time

to art direct this situation

'cause clearly Ray
wouldn't know my aesthetic

if it ran him over. I'm
sorry, did you say sun?

Yeah, like a, a kiss on the cheeks,

uh, um a gentle spray.

Okay, well, thanks for the gift, David,

but no thank you. I'll take it.

Actually sounds less like a
gift and more like a chore.

Okay, I am doing you a favour.

- Oh.
- Okay.

Stevie, take our photo please
for a moment, fast please.

- Ooh, uh.
- Okay.

Yeah, see, side by side
my Mediterranean complexion

makes you look a little anemic

so the spray will just even it out.

Okay, it's not that... bad.

Okay, well, the lighting
is not good so. I mean...

- Hmm.
- Just as an example,

here is a sample mouse
pad that Jocelyn made

for the computer lab at school.

The Under the Sea theme is only
available during winter months.

My God, Ted, what are you doing here?

I wanted to surprise you.

- Oh my God, okay, babe, hi.
- Hi, hi.

- Hmm.
- Hm.

Hi, uh sorry there were limited options

at the airport gift shop.

"Have a great flight", so sweet.

You're here in the flesh.

Hm, I missed you so much.

Um, who's babysitting the turtles?

Well, I am a part of a team of 30

so they let me take
the long weekend off.

The long weekend?
It's Sunday, it's over.

Yeah, I know, I was supposed
to get here yesterday morning

but my first connecting
flight was delayed

and then I got food
poisoning from some bad milk

on my second connecting flight.

Ew Ted, they made you
drink milk on the airplane?

No I actually ordered
it, and in my defense,

they were serving cookies, so.

Okay, so um, how long
do we actually have then?

Just today.

Oh my God.

Okay. Then enough about the milk thing

even though I have like
50 more questions about it.

Yeah, yeah, no need to milk it.

Ooh, we definitely
don't have time for that.

No I just, I just wanna be
with you and catch up and talk.

Okay, so my parents are
out and David's at the store

so maybe we can just like
be with each other right now,

and then later if we
feel like it we can talk.

- Yeah, but I...
- You're not still sick,

- are you?
- No I just.

Okay.

Yeah. Okay, we can do this first.

Boy, I look at this place,
untouched from the 60s.

These motels were a gold mine, Roland,

all they need is a little dusting.

And bleach, lots of bleach.

You know, there are boutique hotels

that would kill for this
level of authenticity.

I'm thinking of turning this place

into the... Presidential Suite

and charging a premium for it.

I'm reminded John of Shanghai

and our Party Secretary Suite

with its own aquarium,

I'd lay in a claw foot
tub watching the orcas.

- Joc.
- And we're back.

You know that staycation
we've been talking about?

Why don't we just do that here?

Well, Roland, that-that sounds good,

but uh, that just can't happen.

As a new business owner it's dangerous

to treat your assets
as personal possessions.

That's my John.

At Rose Video, he made
me purchase the Blu-ray

of my gritty feminist police
drama, "Miranda Rights".

I rented that three times.

Miranda is so sassy
when she went undercover

for that wet T-shirt contest.

Hey, the sooner we get
this place guest ready,

the sooner we can start making a profit.

Yeah. Well, that sounds good to me.

Bob's been charging us
a fortune to babysit.

Speaking of which, we should get going.

Bob has his first cry
therapy session tonight.

Okay.

Bye.

Well, if that isn't team
work, I don't know what is.

Ah, I know, the room
looks pretty good, huh?

No I'm, I'm talking
about the way you and I,

threw them off the fragrance

so that we could keep
this suite to ourselves.

No that's not what I was doing, Moira.

No, it's very important at this stage

to keep the bar set
very high for Roland.

- John.
- Now I just told them

they couldn't stay here.

Oh, be careful, John,

lest you suffer vertigo
from the dizzying heights

of your moral ground.

Are you sure this is
what you want, David?

This looks like someone put a tarp over

their living room furniture.

Yeah, I'm going for an English
estate in the off-season.

Okay, it's just uh,

do you really want these photos to say

my relationship is an old
estate in the off-season?

Why don't I show you
the county fair backdrop,

I think a Ferris wheel would
look so cute on a mouse pad.

I don't think we're
gonna do the mouse pads.

- Oh hi.
- Hi.

Why do you look...

Oh, I got a spray tan.

Patrick gave you his
appointment, didn't he?

No, I just put mine on your credit card.

Okay, well that's fraud
and you're a criminal

so where even is my life partner?

He's coming.

I think he spent maybe a
second too long in there.

Are you happy now, David?
Is this what you wanted?

- You look...
- I look like a cheese puff.

Okay, you said it, not me.

Um what, uh, what ha, what happened?

Did they use the Allez
Vous bronzer on you?

I don't know, David, they
asked me what I wanted,

I told them just to give
me what you usually get.

Well, why would you do that?

I'm practically Sicilian,
you don't need that much sun.

I don't know how it works, David.

Well, couldn't find it.

Oh, hi Patrick, I almost
didn't recognize you,

you look like one of those people

who has that skin condition

from eating one too many carrots.

- Okay.
- You know what?

I can't be in photos like
this so I'm going to uh,

- I'm gonna go.
- No, no, no, no,

we've got this all set up,

- you'll barely notice it.
- Oh.

And that's what Photoshop's for,

just to lighten it up a bit.

Yes, just have fun with it.

- Yes, have fun.
- Okay, Patrick,

I'm gonna have to ask you
to smile a little more.

I think this is probably
as good as it's gonna get

- right now, Ray.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, here's what I'm thinking,

we do that like three
to four more times,

and then we go on a
romantic walk to your house

and we like hang out
there for a little bit.

Yeah um, that plan sounds
really active, Alexis.

Mhmm.

But uh my mom's staying
at my place and uh,

I'd rather not walk in on
her and her zumba instructor,

don't wanna have to zoom back here.

Is everything okay?

It's okay to admit
that I tuckered you out.

No it's, it's not that.

Okay, then what is it?

I just thought that it was important

that we have this
conversation in person.

You're starting to sound
like me trying to end things

with B-Rock on the Backstreet
Boys Millennium Tour.

Ted, you're not like trying
to break up with me, are you?

No I'm not breaking up with you.

Oh okay, thank God. So what is it?

I got offered a job.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

- Is it a bad job?
- No it's a great job,

they wanna make me a permanent
part of the research team

in the Galapagos.

Okay, define permanent.

It's a three year contract.

Okay, that's a long time.

Yeah, I just, I keep waiting for things

to get easier for us.

So um, what are you gonna tell them?

I, I don't know,

I mean I had three plane
rides to think about it and,

and I wanted to have a
solution by the time I got here,

but... seeing you,

I don't wanna lose this.

Okay, so what do we, what do we do?

Do I like move to the Galapagos?

Or I move back here.

And turn down your dream job.

Okay, this just got like very heavy.

I feel like I'm sweating,

I also feel like very cold.

Yeah. I, I took the weekend
because I want us to have

a few days to talk about it, but then...

Yeah, no, the milk, I know.

Um, Ted, I think I'm
gonna need a minute.

You know that I can't make
big decisions under pressure,

that's how I ended up
with a pixie cut at prom.

There has to be a way through this.

I liked this a whole lot more
before we started talking.

Moira, what's going on in there?

Oh! It's my hands, John, it's the water,

it's freezing cold.

Well, then move your hands.

How will I know if it's getting warmer

if I'm not touching it?

Well Moira, you've got the cold tap on,

you've gotta balance it with the hot.

Oh.

Well, I'm sorry I'm
not an alchemist, John,

and it's not like there's a his sink

for when the hers is inoperable.

Okay, Moira.

Excuse me while I try to pass through.

Oh John, these door frames,

it's like trying to force oneself

through the eye of a needle.

I think uh, the point's
been made, Moira.

Oh, so you're willing to
reconsider a room upgrade?

- Upgrade?
- Mhmm.

Oh, I thought you were talking about

a romantic weekend.

We start with a weekend
and go from there.

You don't believe we deserve
this perquisite, John,

at least until we
secure a way out of here.

Moira, yeah, the room is bigger,

it might even be nicer,
but haven't we managed

to make due here in this
room over the past few years?

Yes, in the same way
road crustations are known

to make due in old soda cans.

And what about the kids?

We're just going to abandon them here?

They're practically middle-aged

and they're not denying
theirselves betterment,

why should we?

Alright, maybe it is
good business practice

to sample the product before selling.

Well, whatever you
think is best, Mr. Rose.

I've packed your
weekender, it's in the car.

See, these are good, we
could use any of these.

David, those are just
ones where you look good.

Well...

only took me nine showers
to still look like this.

See, this is good,

this is how you were supposed to look.

Oh, well then if that's all it took

should we just head back to Ray's?

I don't know, do you
think he'd have time?

No, I was being very, very sarcastic.

- Oh.
- Are there any usable shots?

Umm.

None of the ones where you
can see your face or hands,

- There's a few I think that...
- but we're still looking.

- Might be good.
- Cool,

so I guess my relatives
will just have to imagine

what the person I'm marrying looks like

and how happy I am
to be with him, and...

Okay fine, ooh,

maybe we just open up
the guest list a bit

and invite a few more of
your distant relatives,

or I do have head shots
from my pageant days

that I could mail out to them.

David, can we just agree
to stop making this wedding

a bigger deal than it needs to be.

We are not these people. Okay.

Well, this is a teachable
moment for all of us.

You know, look at his tan, looks great,

the lighting's right,

maybe Stevie should
take a few candid shots

- and see what happens.
- You're insane.

- David... no.
- No I'm not.

We are looking for
photos and here we are.

Oh my God.

Okay, well the tan does look good.

- Ooh see.
- Okay fine,

like maybe a couple
more but then that's it.

Okay fine, alright.

- What is your hand?
- Oh that's weird.

Huh?

Hey Alexis, I haven't seen
you running in a while.

Thanks, Twy.

Yeah, I just needed to
get out and clear my head.

Is everything okay?

I don't know.

Okay, do you think a
smoothie might help?

No, I think I'll just take a smoothie.

Okay, I'll just be right
over there if you need me.

Oh hi, Ted.

Um... Alexis.

I know, without sounding too forward,

I've seen you around...

and uh, you know, I have to say,

I think that you are
the most beautiful girl

this town's ever seen.

Alexis, Alexis,

here's your smoothie.

Twy, do you ever have
those days where you wonder

why things just can't be easier?

Why, what's going on?

Ted got a job.

- Another one?
- No, the same one.

He got offered the
same job he already has?

No, same job, they just
want him to stay longer,

like forever.

Oh.

Yeah, so it's like what now?

Do I leave everything behind

and move to some random island

to be with the love of my life?

'Cause I did that with
Harry Styles in England,

it was like too rainy.

That is hard.

I feel like now's the
point where you normally

have some surprisingly helpful advice.

I know you, Alexis,

and... you always make the right decision.

- Hm.
- Eventually.

Thanks, Twy.

There he is, my ginchi hotelier.

How does it feel to be President

in the Presidential Suite?

Well, uh,

let me say this about that, Moira,

Uh, if not now, when,

if not us, who.

- Are you alright, John?
- Oh, it's my JFK,

just playing into the theme.

Best to leave the voice work
to me when setting a mood.

Yeah, so I must admit, Sweetheart,

I could get used to this.

I'm going to run a bath, John.

Well, if I close my
eyes I can almost hear

the orcas calling to be fed

or freed.

- Oh.
- Jocelyn, Roland.

Johnny, Moira.

- What's going on here?
- Uh, nothing, nothing.

No we were uh,

just uh,

doing a final polish
on the uh, on the room.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I guess martinis
work better than wax, huh?

Johnny, wasn't it you who said

it was dangerous to treat your assets

like personal possessions?

And what may I ask are
you two doing back here?

I told you we would get caught, Roly.

Well...

if you must know,

Jocelyn and I had been
renting our extra bedroom

to uh, help pay for this place.

Yeah, and so we thought
there's nobody here,

it might be nice to have a weekend

where a total stranger
wasn't making themselves

at home in my kitchen.

Okay, look Roland,

I may have been... a bit too
much of a stickler earlier.

Ah no, no it's fine,
Johnny, we'll just uh,

we'll just sleep in
the truck with the baby.

Or you know what,

you could give us the
keys to your place,

it would be like wife swap

except we wouldn't be swapping wives,

- we'd be swapping mattresses.
- Okay, you can take the room.

- It's not gonna happen.
- Oh thank you, guys.

Okay. Great, thank you.

I've never stayed in
a Presidential Suite.

Enjoy it, Honey,

this one uh reminds me a lot of the uh,

suites in uh Cuba
before Castro took over.

- That's not, that's not JFK.
- Yes, it's JFK, he's always...

Ask a not what your
country can do for you.

- Who said that?
- The man's from Boston.

- John!
- He didn't say,

no he's not, he's from Upstate New York.

- Coming Moira.
- And FDR said that.

♪

What is all this?

Sit.

Did you close down the whole café?

More like I politely but forcefully

asked everyone to leave.

So the set menu for tonight

is mozzarella sticks,
four cheese lasagna,

and a blueberry cheesecake for dessert.

Huh,

that's a lot of dairy.

All of your cheat day favorites.

Also, I may have forgotten
about the whole milk situation.

Well, I appreciate the gesture, Alexis.

So I feel like there's
an elephant in the room

and I skipped the
class that taught us how

to care for large mammals

and I don't know how to get it to leave.

You can't move back here, Ted,

you've just been offered
the job of your dreams

and there's no turning back now.

And just think of all
those gross little flies

that are still out there
for you to discover.

Actually, those flies are an
invaluable piece of the puzzle

in the study of evolution,

but yes we do have our
fingers crossed that there are

still a few more out there.

What about you,

what are you gonna do?

This might come as a shock to you, Ted,

but... I can't move to the Galapagos.

I wouldn't let you even if you tried.

You're building something
special here, Alexis,

and you deserve to
see where it takes you.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so proud of you.

I'd like to think that we
helped each other get here.

I know that we did.

And when you get on that plane tomorrow

I want you to know how grateful I am

to have met you.

I don't think I'm ever
gonna meet another woman

who made me feel the way that you do.

I'm sure there'll be like

some other woman,

somewhere.

Can't say that we didn't try.

I love you, Ted.

I love you too.

♪ While I'm far away
from you, my baby ♪

♪ I know it's hard
for you, my baby ♪

♪ Because it's hard
for me, my baby ♪

♪ Because the darkest hour To us.

♪ Is just before dawn

To us.

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --