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♪
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00:00:09,679 --> 00:00:11,095
♪ energetic music plays ♪
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00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:12,595
[announcer]
Welcome to tonight's
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00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,428
Democratic Debate
in Las Vegas, Nevada.
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00:00:14,512 --> 00:00:16,011
Good evening.
I'm Lester Holt.
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00:00:16,095 --> 00:00:18,428
And after a party, you know
I'm gonna help clean up.
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00:00:18,512 --> 00:00:20,136
Thank you, Lester.
I'll take it "form" here.
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00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:21,845
From here, obviously.
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00:00:21,929 --> 00:00:23,970
First question -- do you
all wanna answer a question
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00:00:24,053 --> 00:00:25,679
or just dogpile
Michael Bloomberg?
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-[candidates] Bloomberg!
-[Warren] BLOOOOMBERRRRG!!
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00:00:28,387 --> 00:00:30,095
Wow. Okay. It looks like
we're starting, and I haven't
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00:00:30,178 --> 00:00:32,136
even said the rules
you're going to ignore.
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00:00:32,220 --> 00:00:35,428
Mike Bloomberg epitomizes
the lawless oligarchy
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00:00:35,512 --> 00:00:37,970
corroding the foundations
of our democracy!
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00:00:38,053 --> 00:00:39,136
[Cheers and applause]
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00:00:39,220 --> 00:00:41,512
Liz Warren's
back on the map, baby!
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00:00:41,595 --> 00:00:43,553
Why do I feel like
I'm already off the map?
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00:00:43,637 --> 00:00:46,095
Hey, Bloomberg!
You can't buy this election!
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You gotta earn it!
Like me!
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By keeping your eyes from
rollin' out of your head
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till November!
Hey, I'm not perfect,
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00:00:51,804 --> 00:00:54,303
but at least I'm not
a bloodless corporate shill
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00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:55,679
posing as a humble mayor!
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Hey! Oh, you meant
Bloomberg.
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00:00:57,261 --> 00:00:59,387
Mr. Bloomberg, what do
you say to those who point
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00:00:59,470 --> 00:01:00,720
to your
stop-and-frisk policy
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as evidence of your racial
bias against minorities?
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00:01:02,929 --> 00:01:05,303
The point of this debate
is to make me appear likeable,
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00:01:05,387 --> 00:01:07,845
not to discuss my undeniably
racist past as mayor.
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Hey! Oh, you meant
Bloomberg again.
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You know what? Just let me know
when it's my turn.
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Since this is
my first debate
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00:01:13,595 --> 00:01:16,136
and my entrance fee
was $300 million,
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at least give me a chance
to introduce myself.
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Ahem.
[beep]
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[crowd cheering and whistling]
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[man] I like the one
who did the money!
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Listen, Amy.
I may not have
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foreign-relations experience,
per se, but I have ordered
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[Hispanic accent]
huevos rancheros at brunch
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multiple times!
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Are you mocking me?
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Because the last guy who
mocked me was Kirk Douglas!
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AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!
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Okay, I may own three houses,
but let me assure you
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I do not heat them, and
the rugs are unbearably itchy.
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00:01:45,136 --> 00:01:47,595
And now a message
from tonight's sponsor.
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Hi. I'm Mike Bloomberg.
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-Oh, come on!
-Hey, Bloomberg!
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The best way to defeat
Donald Trump is to vote
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00:01:52,929 --> 00:01:54,595
for someone
nominally different than him
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00:01:54,679 --> 00:01:56,553
so you can feel better
about yourself
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while the world
stays exactly the same.
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00:01:58,970 --> 00:01:59,929
[metal creaking]
Hey! What the --
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00:02:00,011 --> 00:02:03,720
Shh. Amy wants to play
a little game!
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00:02:03,804 --> 00:02:06,261
Hey, folks! There's a lady
up in the rafters!
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00:02:06,345 --> 00:02:08,553
Okay, enough folksy adages,
Mr. Vice President.
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00:02:08,637 --> 00:02:09,929
I'm trying unsuccessfully
to moderate.
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[Klobuchar] Hey, Pete!
How do you say
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"do not resuscitate"
in Español?!
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Huevos rancheros.
That's all from Nevada.
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Only 48 states to go before
the brokered convention.
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♪
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Hey, folks!
Give me a heads-up
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if my ears start bleedin',
would ya?
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♪
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♪ ominous music plays ♪
[thunder crashes]
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[Bloomberg]
That debate was a nightmare.
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Gentlemen, I have to be honest.
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I'm having second thoughts
about buying this election.
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[adviser 1] Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Don't tell me
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00:02:39,136 --> 00:02:40,845
American hero
Michael Friggin' Bloomberg
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00:02:40,929 --> 00:02:42,303
is throwing in the 10,000
thread count towel!
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[adviser 2] Us billionaires
are counting on you to keep
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00:02:44,679 --> 00:02:46,720
the lights on
in our summer homes
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and the lights off in our
sensory deprivation tanks!
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00:02:49,345 --> 00:02:51,053
I'm just not sure
I have it in me.
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00:02:51,136 --> 00:02:53,845
My campaign manager said
I might have to shake a hand.
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[adviser 3] But without you,
we can kiss the dream of
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00:02:55,887 --> 00:02:58,887
liberal, socially conscious
oligarchy goodbye!
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[sighs] I need some fresh air.
[door closes]
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-Whew!
-Yikes.
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[adviser 1] Anyone here have
a good grotto cleaning guy?
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Pushed mine off my balcony.
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00:03:05,512 --> 00:03:07,053
[Bernie] And billionaires...
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00:03:07,136 --> 00:03:09,637
We need to stop
flat wages...
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00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,136
...and strengthen
the middle class!
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00:03:12,220 --> 00:03:15,845
They're radicalized!
Something must be done!
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Watch where you're
going, billionaire!
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♪ somber music rises ♪
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[Bloomberg] Hillary!
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A billionaire's only hope.
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♪ news theme plays ♪
I'm Jake Tapper,
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00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:31,136
and I ask people
what they got on their SAT
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hoping they'll immediately
toss the ball my way.
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1510.
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Donald Trump's
back in the news today,
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this time
for attacking the Kurds.
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Here to cover for him,
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00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:43,095
Kellyanne Conway
and Larry Kudlow.
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I think Trump's
really unraveling.
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00:03:44,637 --> 00:03:46,512
[whispering] Shut the fuck up!
[normal voice] Hey, Jake!
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00:03:46,595 --> 00:03:48,679
No one understands the plight
of the Kurdish people
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like Donald Trump.
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Then, how do you
respond to this?
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I don't know jack shit
about the Kurds
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00:03:54,553 --> 00:03:57,053
except that they're a proud
people that the United States
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bears a moral
responsibility to abandon.
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That was taken
way out of context.
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00:04:02,095 --> 00:04:04,136
He'll support the heck
outta the Kurds
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00:04:04,220 --> 00:04:05,845
and their battle
to defeat ISIS.
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00:04:05,929 --> 00:04:07,679
Then, how do you
respond to this?
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00:04:07,762 --> 00:04:09,178
Ah, shi...
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00:04:09,261 --> 00:04:11,595
I'm not really vibing
with the Kurds or ISIS.
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00:04:11,679 --> 00:04:13,679
I'm kinda hoping Robert Kraft
goes over there
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and starts
his own tribe.
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00:04:15,428 --> 00:04:17,762
If you can defend that,
you must be unhealthily
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00:04:17,845 --> 00:04:19,428
obsessed with
being on television.
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00:04:19,512 --> 00:04:21,095
Coming up,
I interview myself
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about the time I serenaded
my wife at our wedding.
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[doorbell rings]
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Hi, Bill.
Is Hillary home?
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Hillary?
She's out in the barn.
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I'd take you, but I'm not
allowed out of the house.
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00:04:31,178 --> 00:04:32,553
Peep the shock collar.
No problem, I'll head aroun--
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00:04:32,637 --> 00:04:35,220
It's because of my storied,
criminal history of sexual --
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00:04:35,303 --> 00:04:39,387
Bill, the less we know
about your deal, the better.
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00:04:39,470 --> 00:04:41,345
Bill, back in the house!
[click, Bill screams]
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00:04:41,428 --> 00:04:43,095
Hillary, it's
Michael Bloomberg!
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00:04:43,178 --> 00:04:44,095
I spoke at your convention
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between Henry Kissinger
and Lena Dunham.
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00:04:46,261 --> 00:04:47,887
Oh! Hi!
You can be the first
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00:04:47,970 --> 00:04:50,387
to try some of my
homemade hot sauce,
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00:04:50,470 --> 00:04:52,220
a non-calculated
passion of mine!
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00:04:52,303 --> 00:04:55,053
Forget the sauce.
The billionaires need a voice.
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00:04:55,136 --> 00:04:56,428
You need to run
for president.
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00:04:56,512 --> 00:04:59,053
I'm much happier spending
the rest of my life
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00:04:59,136 --> 00:05:01,470
writing books
about courageous women
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00:05:01,553 --> 00:05:04,970
with my daughter, Chelsea,
who I, um...
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00:05:05,053 --> 00:05:07,011
Love?
Exactly. Thank you.
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00:05:07,095 --> 00:05:08,428
But the people want you.
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00:05:08,512 --> 00:05:11,136
Just look at these polls
I planted in Bloomberg News.
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00:05:11,220 --> 00:05:13,428
With my money
and your politics for hire,
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00:05:13,512 --> 00:05:16,220
there's nothing stopping us
from stopping socialists
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00:05:16,303 --> 00:05:18,136
from stopping me
from hoarding wealth.
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♪ bright music plays ♪
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Imagine if we could
go on television
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without having to defend
that teetotalin' wet ass.
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00:05:28,303 --> 00:05:31,011
Without the mic guy
purposefully electrocuting me
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00:05:31,095 --> 00:05:32,887
with a white-hot
frayed wire?
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I used to rule TV --
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00:05:34,679 --> 00:05:37,762
ranting about the Dow,
lit as all hell,
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with the Jim Cramer!
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00:05:40,428 --> 00:05:41,762
[knocking]
Knocky-knocky!
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00:05:41,845 --> 00:05:43,929
I need you to dress
to the Tapper tens
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00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:48,303
because I just had my most
grounded and rational idea yet.
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[both groan]
To wrap up this trade war,
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00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:51,220
what if we rammed
naval ships into --
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00:05:51,303 --> 00:05:53,720
don't judge yet --
Chinese shipping freights?
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00:05:53,804 --> 00:05:56,845
It's brilliant in its stupidity,
but I'm just not sure that --
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Aaaand tweeted.
[cellphone swishes]
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All right. Choppy-choppy!
You're on at 4 p.m.
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[cellphone dings]
No way! I'm goin' viral!
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♪ soft music plays ♪
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[Chelsea]
When my mother and I wrote
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00:06:06,637 --> 00:06:08,845
"The Book of Gutsy Women,"
it wasn't all work.
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00:06:08,929 --> 00:06:10,220
-[woman] Ha ha!
-[man] Wow!
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-[groans]
-Sometimes, we took a break
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to live, laugh, and gossip
about entertainment news.
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Right, Mom?
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It's fun writing books
with my daughter,
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who I, uh...
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Love.
Right.
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00:06:21,011 --> 00:06:22,303
[chuckling]
So say it, silly!
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What is it --
your birthday?
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Yes, it is. I'm 40.
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Happy birthday.
There. I said it!
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-Run, Hillary!
-Yeah! Go for it!
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00:06:29,929 --> 00:06:31,261
No, that's behind me.
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I'm now focused on
being toured around
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like a book-slinging
circus monkey.
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00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:37,220
[man] But all of us
who stood in line for four hours
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00:06:37,303 --> 00:06:39,220
just to get a glimpse
of the back of your head
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agree you're
the best candidate!
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00:06:40,804 --> 00:06:41,970
[all cheering]
[woman] Yeah!
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All of you?
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♪
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[President Trump]
Larry? Connie?
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00:06:47,220 --> 00:06:49,845
It's Tapper O'Clock!
Why aren't you defending me?!
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00:06:49,929 --> 00:06:51,762
I've thought of
a thousand ways to justify
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00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:54,679
this battleship ramming scheme,
and all of them are war crimes!
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00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:56,553
[line ringing]
Shh! It's ringing.
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00:06:56,637 --> 00:06:57,679
[cellphone rings]
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00:06:57,762 --> 00:06:59,178
I also made it
so it can fart.
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00:06:59,261 --> 00:07:01,512
[fart]
That's what mine sounds like!
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00:07:01,595 --> 00:07:04,720
Hello? This is the GOAT
of all time, Elon Musk.
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00:07:04,804 --> 00:07:07,345
[Kudlow] Hey, lame guy
the science guy...
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00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:10,136
pack your solar-powered
luggage or whatever
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00:07:10,220 --> 00:07:12,011
'cause your country
needs you.
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00:07:12,095 --> 00:07:14,553
As long as the country
is not Thailand, I'm in.
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00:07:15,303 --> 00:07:17,261
[Chelsea] Here's
what I'm thinking
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00:07:17,345 --> 00:07:18,553
for the next five years.
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00:07:18,637 --> 00:07:21,720
We pen the story of
a racially ambiguous daughter
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00:07:21,804 --> 00:07:25,011
named Lakelynne White, who opens
a small, diverse hedge-fund.
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00:07:25,095 --> 00:07:27,053
Lakelynne courageously
uses her earnings
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00:07:27,136 --> 00:07:29,428
to run an inclusive
smear campaign
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00:07:29,512 --> 00:07:31,303
against Ilhan Omar.
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00:07:31,387 --> 00:07:33,220
Hillary, we need you.
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00:07:33,303 --> 00:07:34,387
Jeffy?!
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00:07:34,470 --> 00:07:35,970
Mother! Chime in.
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00:07:36,053 --> 00:07:38,762
Uh, I, guess,
Lakelynne can meet a...
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00:07:38,845 --> 00:07:40,553
[chuckles] barista?
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00:07:40,637 --> 00:07:42,387
Mother,
don't pluck my tulip.
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00:07:42,470 --> 00:07:44,887
I know you're thinking about
being President again.
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00:07:44,970 --> 00:07:47,512
You know how sometimes
when you're talking to me,
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00:07:47,595 --> 00:07:50,887
I pause for a few seconds
then say, "Interesting"?
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00:07:51,011 --> 00:07:53,637
That's because I'm thinking
about being President.
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00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,929
As much as I like copy-pasting
Wikipedia articles
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00:07:57,011 --> 00:07:59,762
on suffragettes into
Microsoft Word with my mother,
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00:07:59,845 --> 00:08:02,178
at the end of the day,
I'm with her!
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00:08:02,261 --> 00:08:03,595
Go, Mother!
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00:08:03,679 --> 00:08:06,679
Chase your dream
for the third time!
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00:08:07,679 --> 00:08:09,679
Interesting.
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00:08:11,178 --> 00:08:12,804
♪ ominous music plays ♪
[thunder crashes]
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00:08:12,887 --> 00:08:15,053
[Bloomberg]
It's time we brace ourselves
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00:08:15,136 --> 00:08:17,053
for the looming
class revolution.
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00:08:17,136 --> 00:08:19,679
Thursday's usual
24-ounce wagyu strip
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00:08:19,762 --> 00:08:24,095
will have to be replaced by...
a 14-ounce wagyu filet.
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00:08:24,178 --> 00:08:25,512
[bankers] No!
They're treating us
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00:08:25,595 --> 00:08:26,929
like human beings.
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00:08:27,011 --> 00:08:29,220
We're billionaires, damn it!
[door opens]
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00:08:29,303 --> 00:08:31,428
Order that strip,
Michael!
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00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:34,512
And get one for me,
with a side of hot sauce,
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00:08:34,595 --> 00:08:36,136
a condiment
I enjoy independently
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00:08:36,220 --> 00:08:37,804
of its relation
to the black vote.
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00:08:37,887 --> 00:08:40,595
Because I'm running
for President!
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00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:42,011
[bankers cheering]
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00:08:42,095 --> 00:08:43,804
Thank you, rich God.
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00:08:43,887 --> 00:08:46,011
♪ uplifting music plays ♪
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00:08:46,095 --> 00:08:49,345
♪
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00:08:49,428 --> 00:08:50,970
[Hillary] If we're
going into battle,
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00:08:51,053 --> 00:08:54,053
we need our breathable
rayon armor.
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00:08:54,136 --> 00:08:55,804
Blue. Hillary Clinton.
245
00:08:55,887 --> 00:08:58,261
Connotes leadership,
power, rigidity.
246
00:08:58,345 --> 00:09:00,303
Brownish-grey.
Chelsea Clinton.
247
00:09:00,387 --> 00:09:01,470
Connotes subservience,
248
00:09:01,553 --> 00:09:03,053
laughing when
it's not that funny,
249
00:09:03,136 --> 00:09:05,220
walking behind me when
the sidewalk gets too narrow,
250
00:09:05,303 --> 00:09:07,136
peeling an orange
so ridiculously slow,
251
00:09:07,220 --> 00:09:08,428
you have to go take a walk
252
00:09:08,512 --> 00:09:10,178
just to not scream.
Okay, thank you, Mother.
253
00:09:10,261 --> 00:09:12,553
Green. Huma Abedin!
[ting!]
254
00:09:12,637 --> 00:09:15,512
Connotes poise, perfection,
daughterliness.
255
00:09:15,595 --> 00:09:17,595
Didn't Huma's husband,
Anthony Weiner,
256
00:09:17,679 --> 00:09:19,762
single-handedly annihilate
your last campaign?
257
00:09:19,845 --> 00:09:21,553
We all have
a perverted husband
258
00:09:21,637 --> 00:09:24,178
whose sexual addiction
dissolves our political career.
259
00:09:24,261 --> 00:09:26,303
But this time,
we are playing it safe.
260
00:09:26,387 --> 00:09:28,428
You can do whatever
you want to each other!
261
00:09:28,512 --> 00:09:29,845
Just don't leave the yard!
262
00:09:29,929 --> 00:09:31,929
Fresh air,
acorns, sprinkler --
263
00:09:32,011 --> 00:09:34,428
I've done way worse
with way less!
264
00:09:34,512 --> 00:09:36,136
♪ slow R&B music plays ♪
265
00:09:36,220 --> 00:09:37,929
[Conway] Okay, Elon,
this better be worth
266
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:40,220
the billion dollars
we siphoned from CHIP.
267
00:09:40,303 --> 00:09:41,470
What is that?
268
00:09:41,553 --> 00:09:43,470
[Musk] It's an
Oval Office simulator.
269
00:09:43,553 --> 00:09:45,804
It will deadass
make the President think
270
00:09:45,887 --> 00:09:48,387
all his orders are being
followed A-F as fuck.
271
00:09:48,470 --> 00:09:50,762
But no transmissions
will go in or out.
272
00:09:50,845 --> 00:09:53,845
You can say "Bye, Felicia"
to defending him on television.
273
00:09:53,929 --> 00:09:55,887
Go ahead. Say it.
[both] Bye, Felicia.
274
00:09:56,011 --> 00:09:58,220
Lé cool.
I'm here for this.
275
00:09:58,303 --> 00:09:59,553
Cue the simulator!
276
00:09:59,637 --> 00:10:01,095
Ass-ass, Captain!
277
00:10:01,178 --> 00:10:03,053
[zapping]
278
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:06,178
♪ triumphant music plays ♪
279
00:10:06,261 --> 00:10:09,845
The key to any successful
campaign is small-dollar donors.
280
00:10:09,929 --> 00:10:11,637
Let's split up.
You take the Bronx.
281
00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,887
Remember -- no donation
is too small.
282
00:10:13,970 --> 00:10:15,095
Here's a coin pouch!
283
00:10:15,178 --> 00:10:16,553
Yeah, let me rap
284
00:10:16,637 --> 00:10:20,428
my 70-year-old knuckles
on a million doors, or...?
285
00:10:20,512 --> 00:10:22,303
Add as many zeros
as it'll take to win.
286
00:10:22,387 --> 00:10:24,512
The campaign announcement
is tomorrow.
287
00:10:24,595 --> 00:10:26,303
Are you available
to volunteer for our
288
00:10:26,387 --> 00:10:28,762
"Count Me In" phone bank
in Gowanus?
289
00:10:28,845 --> 00:10:30,387
Hillary, uh,
who is this?
290
00:10:30,470 --> 00:10:33,220
Go wait in the stairwell, Chels.
Mommy's panhandling.
291
00:10:33,303 --> 00:10:36,053
♪ mysterious music plays ♪
292
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,553
Was there always
a freezing-cold elevator ride
293
00:10:38,637 --> 00:10:40,220
to the Oval Office?
294
00:10:40,303 --> 00:10:41,512
Uh, yeah, you built it.
295
00:10:41,595 --> 00:10:43,428
They gave you
the Nobel Prize for it.
296
00:10:43,512 --> 00:10:45,929
Yeah, and you guys said
I couldn't build it!
297
00:10:46,011 --> 00:10:47,512
Remember?
[both] Uh-huh.
298
00:10:47,595 --> 00:10:50,762
Stand by. That feeling when
the eagle has landed goals.
299
00:10:50,845 --> 00:10:52,679
What's this joystick
doing here?
300
00:10:52,762 --> 00:10:54,178
[Conway] Uh, that's
the same joystick
301
00:10:54,261 --> 00:10:55,512
George Washington used
to fight the Pilgrims.
302
00:10:55,595 --> 00:10:57,136
Fight the Pilgrims.
Yeah, I know.
303
00:10:57,220 --> 00:10:58,428
[whirring]
304
00:10:58,512 --> 00:11:00,136
Howdy, Mr. Trump!
I'm Charlie!
305
00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:03,345
Are you ready for your day
as President? Wa-goo!
306
00:11:03,428 --> 00:11:05,762
Who's Charlie?
He's kinda scary.
307
00:11:05,845 --> 00:11:08,512
Only the coolest
White House mascot on Earth!
308
00:11:08,595 --> 00:11:10,220
What the fuck
am I even saying?
309
00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:12,470
Select a mission!
Lunch or de-escalating
310
00:11:12,553 --> 00:11:15,428
Turkey's military operations
in Northern Syria?
311
00:11:15,512 --> 00:11:17,345
Well, you can't eat Syria.
312
00:11:17,428 --> 00:11:18,595
You've selected "Lunch."
313
00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:20,470
How many pounds of lunch
would you like?
314
00:11:20,553 --> 00:11:23,220
[voice breaking]
No one's ever asked!
315
00:11:24,470 --> 00:11:25,762
[cheers and applause]
316
00:11:25,845 --> 00:11:27,637
I stayed up all night
writing the speech
317
00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,637
because I was
so excited
318
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,345
and because you only
booked a two-bedroom
319
00:11:31,428 --> 00:11:32,720
so I had to sleep
in the lobby
320
00:11:32,804 --> 00:11:35,136
with a bag of Minute Maid
apple juice as a pillow.
321
00:11:35,220 --> 00:11:36,595
Lordy, was that the speech?
322
00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:39,470
Mom, I'm gonna rock this.
Check this out.
323
00:11:39,553 --> 00:11:42,470
"The degradation of norms
has never been more..."
324
00:11:42,553 --> 00:11:44,470
Boring!
Check this out.
325
00:11:44,553 --> 00:11:46,637
"A lot of people
are using their apps
326
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,303
to listen to Lizzo."
Pause for woo-woo's.
327
00:11:49,387 --> 00:11:53,053
"But I think they should
Lizz-show up on Election Day
328
00:11:53,136 --> 00:11:55,303
and vote for
Hillary Clinton!"
329
00:11:55,387 --> 00:11:56,762
[Huma chuckles]
330
00:11:56,845 --> 00:11:59,470
If you can brilliantly
interweave pop culture
331
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:02,261
with revolutionary
status-quo ideology like that,
332
00:12:02,345 --> 00:12:03,387
you got the gig.
333
00:12:03,470 --> 00:12:06,428
"The cruelty
and incompetence
334
00:12:06,512 --> 00:12:08,720
of this administration
335
00:12:08,804 --> 00:12:12,470
has never been more...
Riverdale?"
336
00:12:12,553 --> 00:12:15,220
That's a Lizz-no
from me, dawg!
337
00:12:15,303 --> 00:12:17,303
[Huma chuckles]
Wait!
338
00:12:17,387 --> 00:12:20,762
"A lot of teens are
watching The C-W...
339
00:12:20,845 --> 00:12:22,178
My God.
340
00:12:22,261 --> 00:12:23,720
...but I wanna know...
341
00:12:23,804 --> 00:12:25,428
how can we
have those teens
342
00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:29,512
'C' Hillary
to the 'W' House?"
343
00:12:30,679 --> 00:12:34,053
Huma, could you go get Chelsea
the purple pant suit?
344
00:12:34,136 --> 00:12:37,011
The one that connotes
tolerability?
345
00:12:38,345 --> 00:12:42,178
[Charlie] Waaaa-goo,
Mr. President!
346
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:44,178
You've rammed
a Chinese ship,
347
00:12:44,261 --> 00:12:46,679
received a public apology
from Bette Midler,
348
00:12:46,762 --> 00:12:49,762
inspired a standing ovation
at the Teen Choice Awards,
349
00:12:49,845 --> 00:12:52,136
and planted Jim Acosta
in the path of a lawnmower!
350
00:12:52,220 --> 00:12:56,720
Ahh! Gotta pop open a window,
and hear that Acosta squeal!
351
00:12:56,804 --> 00:12:57,845
[alarms blaring]
352
00:12:57,929 --> 00:12:59,970
-Oh, my God! We're done for!
-Not the window!
353
00:13:00,053 --> 00:13:02,470
Oh, he's being extra, and
it's, like, low-key not a mood.
354
00:13:02,553 --> 00:13:04,220
Release the golden hat!
[click]
355
00:13:04,303 --> 00:13:05,679
[bell dinging]
Congratulations!
356
00:13:05,762 --> 00:13:08,220
Your ninth lunch has
somehow brokered peace
357
00:13:08,303 --> 00:13:10,303
between the Kurds
and the Turks!
358
00:13:10,387 --> 00:13:11,512
I had a feeling it might.
359
00:13:11,595 --> 00:13:13,470
You've unlocked
a golden hat!
360
00:13:13,553 --> 00:13:15,553
Whoa, ho, ho,ho!
361
00:13:15,637 --> 00:13:18,679
I've always wanted this thing
I just found out about.
362
00:13:18,762 --> 00:13:20,970
[Ludlow]
Holy crap! It worked!
363
00:13:21,053 --> 00:13:24,345
We've trapped the President
in a glorified phone game!
364
00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:27,178
Who's to say we're all
not living in a phone game?
365
00:13:28,178 --> 00:13:31,011
Who's to say we're all not
simply living in a phone game?
366
00:13:31,095 --> 00:13:32,345
Yeah, we heard you.
367
00:13:32,428 --> 00:13:33,887
[Holt] Breaking news.
368
00:13:33,970 --> 00:13:36,261
As has been long-rumored
and instinctually feared,
369
00:13:36,345 --> 00:13:37,762
Hillary Clinton is officially
370
00:13:37,845 --> 00:13:39,679
entering the race
for the Democratic nomination.
371
00:13:39,762 --> 00:13:41,679
The Beast of Benghazi,
372
00:13:41,762 --> 00:13:43,595
the Satan of the Servers
373
00:13:43,679 --> 00:13:47,220
has awoken from her
four-year volcanic slumber!
374
00:13:47,303 --> 00:13:50,929
Rise all ye minions to battle!
375
00:13:51,011 --> 00:13:52,720
[spittle, shofar blares]
376
00:13:52,804 --> 00:13:54,679
How entitled do you
have to be to try and steal
377
00:13:54,762 --> 00:13:57,011
the presidency
I'm entitled to?
378
00:13:57,095 --> 00:14:00,303
I'll start drafting my
passive-aggressive endorsement.
379
00:14:00,387 --> 00:14:01,762
It's 63 degrees today --
380
00:14:01,845 --> 00:14:03,929
she'll get a sun stroke
and drop out.
381
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:05,470
[cheers and applause]
382
00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:08,345
[rock music playing]
383
00:14:08,428 --> 00:14:10,470
[music fades]
384
00:14:10,553 --> 00:14:13,762
A lot of people
are using Instagram.
385
00:14:13,845 --> 00:14:15,136
[man] Oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy!
386
00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:17,512
But this President's
domestic policies
387
00:14:17,595 --> 00:14:20,095
have me sliding out of his DMs
388
00:14:20,178 --> 00:14:22,303
and into the voting booth!
389
00:14:22,387 --> 00:14:23,637
[laughter]
390
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:24,970
In fact, I think
391
00:14:25,053 --> 00:14:28,220
he can't honor his sacred oath
to the Constitution
392
00:14:28,303 --> 00:14:30,720
because he's too busy
eating hamberders!
393
00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:33,303
-[woman] Whoo!
-[man] I love politics!
394
00:14:33,387 --> 00:14:34,970
This speech
will seal the deal.
395
00:14:35,053 --> 00:14:36,804
I think we're
looking at our next
396
00:14:36,887 --> 00:14:40,303
Deputy Press Secretary for
North African Digital Outreach.
397
00:14:40,387 --> 00:14:43,303
Without further ado,
please welcome
398
00:14:43,387 --> 00:14:46,804
the winner of
the 2016 popular vote...
399
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:48,345
[cheers and applause]
400
00:14:48,428 --> 00:14:52,762
...and the winner of
the 2020 electoral vote...
401
00:14:52,845 --> 00:14:54,720
[cheers and applause]
[man] Uh-huhhh!
402
00:14:54,804 --> 00:14:57,345
...and the only candidate
whose campaign will be funded
403
00:14:57,428 --> 00:15:00,512
entirely by
the billionaire class!
404
00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:02,470
[cheers and applause stop]
[man] Ha ha...yeah!
405
00:15:02,553 --> 00:15:06,053
Yes, sir! Michael Bloomberg
is bankrolling her campaign
406
00:15:06,136 --> 00:15:08,970
as long as she continues
to keep his tax bracket
407
00:15:09,053 --> 00:15:11,387
at a rate of zero or below!
408
00:15:11,470 --> 00:15:12,887
[man] Uh, what's this?
409
00:15:12,970 --> 00:15:17,178
In the words of my mother
not one hour ago...
410
00:15:17,261 --> 00:15:18,929
Don't quote me,
don't quote me.
411
00:15:19,011 --> 00:15:21,345
...quote, "I can rap
my 70-year-old knuckles
412
00:15:21,428 --> 00:15:22,845
on a million doors,
413
00:15:22,929 --> 00:15:25,261
or I can strut into
the Bloomberg building
414
00:15:25,345 --> 00:15:27,303
and sell America's soul
415
00:15:27,387 --> 00:15:30,887
to the ninth-richest man
in the world!"
416
00:15:30,970 --> 00:15:32,303
[crowd booing wildly]
417
00:15:32,387 --> 00:15:34,887
Lizz-oh my God.
418
00:15:34,970 --> 00:15:36,220
[booing continues]
419
00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:39,220
Hillary Clinton
seems to be alienating
420
00:15:39,303 --> 00:15:41,095
the coveted
"voter" demographic,
421
00:15:41,178 --> 00:15:44,845
while President Trump hasn't had
a single recent controversy.
422
00:15:44,929 --> 00:15:47,136
Here to comment, Kellyanne
Conway and Larry Kudlow.
423
00:15:47,220 --> 00:15:49,887
We're proud to announce that,
this week, the President
424
00:15:49,970 --> 00:15:52,553
hasn't tweeted a single
genocidally complicit tweet.
425
00:15:52,637 --> 00:15:56,053
♪ Ba-ba-da-ba,
ba-ba-baaaa! ♪
426
00:15:56,136 --> 00:15:58,887
That's great.
Okay. Bye-bye!
427
00:15:58,970 --> 00:16:01,887
Wait! No questions or
condemnations or anything?
428
00:16:01,970 --> 00:16:04,428
Eh, since the President
hasn't said or done
429
00:16:04,512 --> 00:16:07,553
anything reprehensible,
there's nothing to discuss.
430
00:16:07,637 --> 00:16:09,553
In other news, j--
[screaming gibberish]
431
00:16:09,637 --> 00:16:11,720
Did the President
just do something outrageous?
432
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,929
I j--
I just wanted to, uh...
433
00:16:14,011 --> 00:16:16,095
Are you caught up
on The Masked Singer?
434
00:16:16,178 --> 00:16:18,929
Kelly, the interview's over.
I'm a serious newsman,
435
00:16:19,011 --> 00:16:21,220
and you're wasting
my precious air time.
436
00:16:21,303 --> 00:16:23,095
[both] Nooooooo!
Coming up, I'll share
437
00:16:23,178 --> 00:16:25,929
one of the cartoons I made
during office hours.
438
00:16:26,011 --> 00:16:29,428
[Hillary] Billionaires
buying my influence
439
00:16:29,512 --> 00:16:30,929
is for us to know...
440
00:16:31,011 --> 00:16:33,261
and for the American people
to find out
441
00:16:33,345 --> 00:16:36,178
when they're forced to buy their
own surgical tools off Amazon.
442
00:16:36,261 --> 00:16:39,136
I just wanted to be
a leader like you,
443
00:16:39,220 --> 00:16:41,804
but I'm a no-good sole heir
to the most un-killable
444
00:16:41,887 --> 00:16:43,720
political dynasty
in the modern era.
445
00:16:43,804 --> 00:16:45,929
Don't worry.
Your father's proclivities
446
00:16:46,011 --> 00:16:49,053
have made me an expert
on quashing scandals.
447
00:16:49,136 --> 00:16:52,345
Thank you, Mother! I knew you'd
always be there for --
448
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:55,136
Chelsea Clinton
is no longer associated
449
00:16:55,220 --> 00:16:57,303
with this campaign
or family!
450
00:16:57,387 --> 00:16:58,970
It's sick, what she did!
451
00:16:59,053 --> 00:17:01,136
She's the bad Clinton now.
Everyone write that down.
452
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:04,011
In her stead, we will be
adopting a new daughter,
453
00:17:04,095 --> 00:17:05,804
Huma Abedin!
454
00:17:05,887 --> 00:17:07,679
We look forward
to a peaceful transition.
455
00:17:07,762 --> 00:17:08,845
What's all this?
456
00:17:08,929 --> 00:17:10,470
We'll talk about it
later, Chels!
457
00:17:10,553 --> 00:17:12,220
♪ Awk-ward ♪
[laughter]
458
00:17:12,303 --> 00:17:14,929
♪
459
00:17:15,011 --> 00:17:17,136
Tapper, baby,
wassup, man?
460
00:17:17,220 --> 00:17:19,053
You need some guests
for the show today?
461
00:17:19,136 --> 00:17:21,553
You can roll your eyes
while Larry and I rationalize
462
00:17:21,637 --> 00:17:24,136
the President fracking
an inner-city playground!
463
00:17:24,220 --> 00:17:27,136
The President's old hat.
No one's heard from him in days.
464
00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:30,553
And you two are getting on
a Tapper's last nerve!
465
00:17:30,637 --> 00:17:32,804
[cellphone beeps]
I'm so glad he said yes.
466
00:17:32,887 --> 00:17:36,220
[weakly] I can't wait
to go on television...
467
00:17:36,303 --> 00:17:39,011
Oh, God!
Someone call 9-1-1!
468
00:17:39,095 --> 00:17:40,845
Actually, hold on.
469
00:17:42,345 --> 00:17:44,095
[toilet flushes]
470
00:17:45,261 --> 00:17:48,970
Sorry. I had to flush
my old drugs down the toilet.
471
00:17:49,053 --> 00:17:50,512
It was from an old jacket.
472
00:17:50,595 --> 00:17:52,720
You know,
I'm off that stuff now.
473
00:17:52,804 --> 00:17:55,887
That's old Kudlow.
New Kudlow -- clean Kuds!
474
00:17:55,970 --> 00:17:57,387
Anyway, let's get you some help.
475
00:17:57,470 --> 00:17:59,762
Okay. Now someone can call!
476
00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:02,428
[Chelsea] I hope
you're happy, Mother!
477
00:18:02,512 --> 00:18:05,553
I am so politically toxic,
Simon & Schuster said
478
00:18:05,637 --> 00:18:07,804
"Color-Blind Hedge-Fund:
The Lakelynne White Story"
479
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:10,387
has been shelved!
Take a step back.
480
00:18:10,470 --> 00:18:14,261
I did what's best for Americans,
specifically one American, me.
481
00:18:14,345 --> 00:18:18,553
I was so wrong to spend my every
waking minute admiring you!
482
00:18:18,637 --> 00:18:20,720
Dad, let's go.
Sorry, Chels!
483
00:18:20,804 --> 00:18:22,428
Your mother
has a manilla folder
484
00:18:22,512 --> 00:18:24,845
that makes our arrangement
extremely binding.
485
00:18:24,929 --> 00:18:26,887
I need to get out
of this house.
486
00:18:26,970 --> 00:18:28,553
I'm getting
a four-star hotel.
487
00:18:28,637 --> 00:18:30,136
I'll charge
the foundation.
488
00:18:30,220 --> 00:18:32,512
Yeah, I know how to charge
the foundation myself!
489
00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:34,387
♪ tense music playing ♪
490
00:18:34,470 --> 00:18:38,178
If you're gonna Lizz-go,
then just Lizz-go!
491
00:18:38,261 --> 00:18:39,637
[sobbing]
492
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:42,387
♪
493
00:18:45,136 --> 00:18:47,887
[Cooper] Welcome to tonight's
Democratic Debate.
494
00:18:47,970 --> 00:18:49,720
I'm Anderson Cooper,
and I've never once felt
495
00:18:49,804 --> 00:18:51,095
a hint of imposter syndrome.
496
00:18:51,178 --> 00:18:53,261
Hi, Andy. How's your new
Springer Spaniel?
497
00:18:53,345 --> 00:18:55,720
Please refrain from revealing
we all know each other socially.
498
00:18:55,804 --> 00:18:58,220
Secretary Clinton, what do
you think your voice brings
499
00:18:58,303 --> 00:19:00,011
to the 2020
primary election?
500
00:19:00,095 --> 00:19:02,970
I'm just here to represent
the issues of my constituents.
501
00:19:03,053 --> 00:19:06,261
And billionaires, according
to your own daughter! Boom!
502
00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:07,804
[crowd] Oooohhhhh!
503
00:19:07,887 --> 00:19:09,053
I can take the heat.
504
00:19:09,136 --> 00:19:11,679
Otherwise, why would
my bag contain hot sauce?
505
00:19:11,762 --> 00:19:14,804
Hey! Cultural appropriation
is my gaffe. Get your own!
506
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:16,762
Look, Hillary,
w-we don't need you.
507
00:19:16,845 --> 00:19:18,720
We got your
whole thing covered.
508
00:19:18,804 --> 00:19:21,595
I'm the billionaire shill,
Warren's the pissy mom,
509
00:19:21,679 --> 00:19:23,595
Bernie's the one
with a hospital bracelet,
510
00:19:23,679 --> 00:19:25,387
and Pete's the one
who wants it too bad!
511
00:19:25,470 --> 00:19:28,136
Hey! Hey!
Can I say something?
512
00:19:28,220 --> 00:19:30,261
I just wanted to say
513
00:19:30,345 --> 00:19:32,929
that there's still some work
to be done in Iraq.
514
00:19:33,011 --> 00:19:34,428
[crowd booing wildly]
515
00:19:34,512 --> 00:19:37,679
I'm still mad at her, but
she's got a point about Iraq.
516
00:19:37,762 --> 00:19:39,512
♪
517
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:42,637
[Kudlow] Hey, let's just watch
Tapper until the cops get here.
518
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:44,178
Pretend he's scolding you!
519
00:19:44,261 --> 00:19:45,887
Hillary Clinton's
back in the race,
520
00:19:45,970 --> 00:19:47,553
which brings us
to tonight's
521
00:19:47,637 --> 00:19:50,095
President Chump:
Hillary Edition.
522
00:19:50,178 --> 00:19:53,720
Hillary Clinton is racing
for the Democratic nomination.
523
00:19:53,804 --> 00:19:55,053
But without Chelsea Clinton,
524
00:19:55,136 --> 00:19:58,011
her political boat
has started to...rock,
525
00:19:58,095 --> 00:20:01,261
a genre of music made famous
by British celebrity
526
00:20:01,345 --> 00:20:03,011
Keith Richards.
[electric guitar strums]
527
00:20:03,095 --> 00:20:05,220
No comment has been made
by President Chump,
528
00:20:05,303 --> 00:20:07,637
which seems...fishy?
[gargling, chomp!]
529
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,136
Perhaps the President
is out to sea,
530
00:20:10,220 --> 00:20:13,929
aboard his favorite vessel,
the USS Unaccountable.
531
00:20:14,011 --> 00:20:16,136
[horn blares]
532
00:20:16,220 --> 00:20:17,553
And that's our show.
533
00:20:17,637 --> 00:20:20,220
Sorry we didn't get
to any news at all.
534
00:20:20,303 --> 00:20:21,679
Stay with me, Kellyanne!
535
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:23,762
[weakly]
Losing relevance...fast!
536
00:20:23,845 --> 00:20:26,387
Broadcast television!
Hurry!
537
00:20:26,470 --> 00:20:28,220
♪ suspenseful music plays ♪
538
00:20:28,303 --> 00:20:30,470
A chardonnay and a shot
of hot sauce, please?
539
00:20:30,553 --> 00:20:31,887
[waiter] Stop it.
540
00:20:31,970 --> 00:20:33,929
Is this seat bought
by the oligarchal class?
541
00:20:34,011 --> 00:20:35,762
I just don't
get it, Bernie.
542
00:20:35,845 --> 00:20:38,261
I thought everyone
wanted me to run again.
543
00:20:38,345 --> 00:20:40,804
You ever love someone,
but sometimes some of the things
544
00:20:40,887 --> 00:20:42,470
they say make
your skin crawl?
545
00:20:42,553 --> 00:20:44,303
Chelsea!
Is yours Chelsea, too?
546
00:20:44,387 --> 00:20:47,178
What I'm saying is that's
how America feels about you.
547
00:20:47,261 --> 00:20:49,387
Just because everybody
retweets you calling
548
00:20:49,470 --> 00:20:51,470
Donald Trump
"Lord Voldo-moron"...
549
00:20:51,553 --> 00:20:53,470
So true!
...doesn't mean they trust you
550
00:20:53,553 --> 00:20:55,512
to stand up to
Wall Street executives
551
00:20:55,595 --> 00:20:57,679
when you're sharing
an au pair with them!
552
00:20:57,762 --> 00:20:59,345
Maybe people
would've liked me
553
00:20:59,428 --> 00:21:02,428
if I had someone's
"grassroots" endorsement!
554
00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:05,970
Don't start. I campaigned for
you more than anyone else!
555
00:21:06,053 --> 00:21:08,553
[as Bernie] "Oh, I don't know.
I guess if you have to vote,
556
00:21:08,637 --> 00:21:10,595
vote for, uh,
Hillary something."
557
00:21:10,679 --> 00:21:13,387
It was a full-throated
endorsement!
558
00:21:13,470 --> 00:21:14,845
The throat was full!
559
00:21:14,929 --> 00:21:16,136
♪ game music playing ♪
560
00:21:16,220 --> 00:21:18,887
Thirty-six hours on,
fifteen minutes off.
561
00:21:18,970 --> 00:21:21,136
Time to get back to work.
[Kudlow] Mr. President,
562
00:21:21,220 --> 00:21:23,261
you need to come out
of the Oval Office
563
00:21:23,345 --> 00:21:26,804
and do something racist
or start a fire or something.
564
00:21:26,887 --> 00:21:28,428
-Charlie?!
-No, idiot!
565
00:21:28,512 --> 00:21:30,136
Charlie's not real!
566
00:21:30,220 --> 00:21:32,470
We created a whole
fake Oval Office
567
00:21:32,553 --> 00:21:35,887
so we didn't have to defend you
when you tweet stuff like
568
00:21:35,970 --> 00:21:39,387
"Happy Labor Day to Whites
and non-Whites alike."
569
00:21:39,470 --> 00:21:43,053
I'd rather live
in a simulated perfect world
570
00:21:43,136 --> 00:21:44,553
where everything I say goes
571
00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:46,595
than a sometimes rainy
real world
572
00:21:46,679 --> 00:21:48,428
where everything I say goes.
573
00:21:48,512 --> 00:21:50,261
Waaa-goo!
-[Kudlow] But, Kellyanne, man.
574
00:21:50,345 --> 00:21:52,428
S-She needs broadcast
television, stat.
575
00:21:52,512 --> 00:21:54,095
She's gonna wither away!
576
00:21:54,178 --> 00:21:57,553
[sarcastically] Oh, no!
One of my employees is in peril!
577
00:21:57,637 --> 00:21:59,553
[normal voice] There's no words
you could say, Kudlow --
578
00:21:59,637 --> 00:22:02,345
not one string of words
in the world
579
00:22:02,428 --> 00:22:03,679
that could possibly pull me
580
00:22:03,762 --> 00:22:05,679
out of this
incredibly stinky paradise.
581
00:22:05,762 --> 00:22:07,095
Hillary Clinton's
582
00:22:07,178 --> 00:22:09,095
running for President.
You say what now?
583
00:22:10,387 --> 00:22:12,261
[Hillary] Chelsea?
It's Hillary Rodham Clinton.
584
00:22:12,345 --> 00:22:15,887
Go away, Mother!
I'm drinking my pillow!
585
00:22:15,970 --> 00:22:17,720
I wanted to say
I'm sorry.
586
00:22:17,804 --> 00:22:20,136
Sure, writing books with you
never made me happy,
587
00:22:20,220 --> 00:22:21,970
and, sure,
I still wish I could fuse
588
00:22:22,053 --> 00:22:24,762
some of my blood into Huma's
and slap your name on her,
589
00:22:24,845 --> 00:22:27,637
but at the end of the day,
the daughter I've been given
590
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,553
thinks I'm pretty cool,
591
00:22:29,637 --> 00:22:31,679
and that's been great
for my ego.
592
00:22:31,762 --> 00:22:33,804
[sighs]
And I'm sorry, too.
593
00:22:33,887 --> 00:22:36,011
It was selfish of me
to try and make you proud.
594
00:22:36,095 --> 00:22:38,637
From now on, I'll stick
to elevating your image,
595
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:40,720
no matter how passed out
in an unmarked van
596
00:22:40,804 --> 00:22:41,845
from heatstroke you are.
597
00:22:41,929 --> 00:22:43,387
I forgive you, Chelsea.
598
00:22:43,470 --> 00:22:46,220
Now, what do you say
we call off this campaign
599
00:22:46,303 --> 00:22:48,303
and get back
to scouting Craigslist
600
00:22:48,387 --> 00:22:50,887
for desperate ghostwriters?
601
00:22:50,970 --> 00:22:53,136
[grunting and growling]
602
00:22:53,220 --> 00:22:54,845
Hillary!
603
00:22:54,929 --> 00:22:56,303
[elevator bell dings]
604
00:22:56,387 --> 00:22:59,804
Must...roast...Hillary!
605
00:22:59,887 --> 00:23:02,762
No bars! Can't tweet!
[groans]
606
00:23:02,845 --> 00:23:06,428
Hillary!!!
607
00:23:06,512 --> 00:23:08,595
[Tapper]
Breaking: Hillary Clinton
608
00:23:08,679 --> 00:23:11,136
has suspended her campaign,
the shortest
609
00:23:11,220 --> 00:23:13,512
and most whip and nae-nae filled
in history.
610
00:23:13,595 --> 00:23:15,011
Let's take it live.
611
00:23:15,095 --> 00:23:18,178
I have bad news for
the 200 million Americans
612
00:23:18,261 --> 00:23:20,261
who planned to vote for me
this November...
613
00:23:20,345 --> 00:23:21,512
[elevator bell dings]
614
00:23:21,595 --> 00:23:25,345
[grunting]
Turn on the cameras!
615
00:23:25,428 --> 00:23:28,011
I have to insult Hillary!
616
00:23:28,095 --> 00:23:30,345
This campaign
was never about me.
617
00:23:30,428 --> 00:23:33,345
It was about the millions
of Americans who idolize me.
618
00:23:33,428 --> 00:23:36,845
But it's time for me to make
room for the new Blue wave.
619
00:23:36,929 --> 00:23:38,428
That's why I'm endorsing
620
00:23:38,512 --> 00:23:41,512
fresh-thinking up-and-comer
Jeff Bezos!
621
00:23:41,595 --> 00:23:44,470
A chicken in every pot,
a crap in every pants.
622
00:23:44,553 --> 00:23:46,845
And now my nice daughter,
Chelsea,
623
00:23:46,929 --> 00:23:48,679
will say a few words.
I n--
624
00:23:48,762 --> 00:23:51,512
And we're cutting away from
Hillary's campaign suspension
625
00:23:51,595 --> 00:23:54,136
to the White House,
where Donald Trump has emerged
626
00:23:54,220 --> 00:23:55,887
a little worse for wear.
627
00:23:55,970 --> 00:23:57,428
[grunts] Ohh!
628
00:23:57,512 --> 00:24:00,178
[slurring] Crooked Hillary
needs to be locked up!
629
00:24:00,261 --> 00:24:02,595
She's colluded
with John McCain,
630
00:24:02,679 --> 00:24:06,553
with Benghazi because
she's inside the Ukraine!
631
00:24:06,637 --> 00:24:09,845
Rehr-rehr!
Don't let her get away!
632
00:24:09,929 --> 00:24:11,303
Now, who on Earth
would defend
633
00:24:11,387 --> 00:24:13,887
this kind of behavior
from the President?
634
00:24:13,970 --> 00:24:15,261
Well, helloooo, Jake!
635
00:24:15,345 --> 00:24:16,970
Aaggghhhhh!
It's great to be back.
636
00:24:17,053 --> 00:24:19,804
The fake news media are once
again spreading baseless lies.
637
00:24:19,887 --> 00:24:21,470
The President wishes
Hillary well.
638
00:24:21,553 --> 00:24:24,720
[President Trump]
Public trial! Town square!
639
00:24:24,804 --> 00:24:27,136
You're really gonna
stand by that,
640
00:24:27,220 --> 00:24:29,053
even though it
directly contradicts
641
00:24:29,136 --> 00:24:31,053
the live feed we have
of him yelling?
642
00:24:31,136 --> 00:24:33,428
That's right!
We may be permanently
643
00:24:33,512 --> 00:24:36,637
eroding America's faith
in its sacred institutions,
644
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:38,762
but at least we're on TV.
[[President Trump shouting]
645
00:24:38,845 --> 00:24:40,261
Amen to that!
646
00:24:40,345 --> 00:24:42,553
Always a pleasure, Jake,
you lying fuck!
647
00:24:42,637 --> 00:24:44,136
♪ upbeat music plays ♪
648
00:24:44,220 --> 00:24:46,345
[Chelsea] "And then
Lakelynne White realized
649
00:24:46,428 --> 00:24:49,762
she should remain secretary
of her mother's trust fund
650
00:24:49,845 --> 00:24:52,011
and lived
happily ever after.
651
00:24:52,095 --> 00:24:55,345
The end."
Interesting.
652
00:24:55,428 --> 00:24:57,887
It's so good to be writing again
now that this whole
653
00:24:57,970 --> 00:25:00,053
"running for President"
thing is behind you.
654
00:25:00,136 --> 00:25:02,929
I don't need to be President
to be happy.
655
00:25:03,011 --> 00:25:05,428
All I need
is my bulletproof ego
656
00:25:05,512 --> 00:25:08,387
telling me that I could easily
be President if I wanted,
657
00:25:08,470 --> 00:25:11,095
and my daughter,
Chelsea, who I...
658
00:25:11,178 --> 00:25:13,095
[wretching]
...love!
659
00:25:13,178 --> 00:25:15,887
Mom! You said it!
Yes, I did.
660
00:25:15,970 --> 00:25:17,845
Now go fetch mommy's
Saudi burner phone.
661
00:25:17,929 --> 00:25:20,261
2024 is around the corner!
662
00:25:20,345 --> 00:25:21,553
['80s-style pop music plays]
663
00:25:21,637 --> 00:25:24,470
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
664
00:25:24,553 --> 00:25:28,136
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
665
00:25:28,220 --> 00:25:30,637
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
666
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:32,303
♪ Yes, he is ♪
667
00:25:32,387 --> 00:25:35,136
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
668
00:25:35,220 --> 00:25:37,804
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
669
00:25:37,887 --> 00:25:39,553
♪ Yes, he is ♪
670
00:25:39,637 --> 00:25:42,178
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
671
00:25:42,261 --> 00:25:47,720
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
672
00:25:49,553 --> 00:25:51,136
♪ Donald Trump ♪
673
00:25:51,220 --> 00:25:54,762
♪ He is our president ♪
674
00:25:54,845 --> 00:25:58,095
♪ We made him president ♪
675
00:25:58,178 --> 00:26:00,261
♪ We did it ♪
676
00:26:00,345 --> 00:26:04,261
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
677
00:26:04,345 --> 00:26:07,220
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
678
00:26:07,303 --> 00:26:10,929
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
679
00:26:11,011 --> 00:26:14,512
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
680
00:26:14,595 --> 00:26:17,637
♪ Yeah ♪
681
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:18,762
Trump!
52197
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