All language subtitles for 1941.1979.BluRayExt.jirienazka

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SINISTER MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

(MEN SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(EXCLAIMS)

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

(SHOUTS ORDER)

(IN GERMAN)

(IN JAPANESE)

(IN GERMAN)

(IN JAPANESE)

(IN GERMAN)

(IN JAPANESE)

(IN GERMAN)

(COMMANDING IN JAPANESE)

(MUTTERING IN GERMAN)

(IN JAPANESE ACCENT)

Hollywood!

(SCREAMING)

(SOLDIER LAUGHING)

(MUTTERING IN JAPANESE)

(SCREAMING)

(SHOUTING IN JAPANESE)

(SOLDIER SCREAMS)

(WOMAN SHRIEKING)

(ALL SHOUTING IN JAPANESE)

(IN JAPANESE ACCENT)

(SCOLDING IN JAPANESE)

Hollywood.

(UPBEAT SWING MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLATTERING)

Better get your
mind off that dame
and back on the job

or we'll never get
out of here. (EXCLAIMS)

This war's been going on
for the last 10 years.

You had your Japs
in Manchuria in 1931,

the Ities in Ethiopia in 1935,

and the Krauts have
been blitzkrieging

your favorite
European tourist attractions
for the last three years.

Now, last year in Africa,

it took General O'Connor
and his British tanks

two months to grab Libya,
and it took Rommel
12 days to get it back.

That's the kind
of tough customer
I'm gonna be dealing with.

What's this shit
we're making?

You're supposed to
be frying this,
not killing people.

Give me that chicken leg!

Shove it up your damn ass!

The hell's
the matter with you?

Look at all this good food
over here!
Wally...

Look here!

Perfectly good eggs!

What the hell's
the matter with you,
chucking away food like that?

Put it back over this stove
over here, and warm it up
for them fellas out there.

Let's mutilate this food
before they can serve it
to anyone else.

(ALL CLAMORING)

If you don't quit hangin' out
with that pervert,

you gonna end up
so wrecked you can't
play on that jukebox.

Pops...
Pops? I ain't your pops.

Pops, I've been
practicing all week.
I'm taking dancing lessons.

I've seen you dance.
You can't dance worth spit.

(STOVE SIZZLES)
Give me that thing.

Jesus, when are you gonna
remember which side of Texas
you come from, boy?

MAN: We need some more
coffee out here!
Coming right up!

Clean that place
up in there.

What's your problem, kid?
You got ants in your pants?

No, I was just kind of
practicing some dance steps.

Dance steps?
Mmm-hmm.

Do you got something
to be dancing about, bub?

I don't know.
Maybe I do.
Maybe you do?

Yeah.
Well, there's a war on, pal.

And I want to know
why you're not in uniform.

I want to know
what you're doing
dancing around tables.

I want to know why
you're not in the army.

'Cause I just don't
take orders from anybody.

Oh, a tough guy, huh?

(YELLS)

(WOMAN EXCLAIMS)

WALLY: Are you okay?

I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to do that.
I don't know...

I'm really sorry.
I'm terribly sorry for...

You got egg on my uniform.

I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

You got egg on my...
I hate eggs.

Eggs are good for you.

I can't stand eggs.
I hate eggs.

Look out, Wally!

Watch it!
He's got a leg.

SITARSKI:
That ain't the way
you do it, buster.

Can it, Sitarski!
Save it for the Japs.

For crying out loud, Sarge.
Look at this bozo!

Anybody who wears
a shirt like that
is asking for it.

He's an American, Sitarski.
If there's one thing
we don't want,

it's seeing
Americans fighting Americans.

I won't stand for that.
Not here, not anywhere.

All right, you foul-ups,
we've had our chow.
Move out.

You okay, kid?

You're not gonna tip him,
are you, Sarge?

That's okay.
I don't need your tip.

I think you do.
Get rid of that shirt.
It's in bad taste.

Come on.
Clean them floors up
like I told you.

Floors haven't been
washed in 10 years.
It'll take me all night.

I don't give a damn
if it takes 20 years.

Go ahead and clean
up like I told you.

He can't work tonight.
Tonight's his big night.

Tonight's the night of
the jitterbug contest.

Jitterbug?
Hell, that reminds me.

Kill them
cockroaches back there
in that flour sack.

Pop, he can't work.
He's gotta dance.

(GRUNTS)

Pops! Pops, you can't do this
to me! Pops, I'll do anything!
Anything!

I'm trying to get that money
so I can buy a suit!

Only way you're gonna get
a suit is if you steal one.
Get out!

Easy come.

Easy go.

Oh, no, you think
that's gonna stop me?

Nothing's gonna stop me
from being with
Betty Douglas tonight.

Miss Fitzroy?
Yes, Betty?

Does this mean we won't
be allowed to dance
with civilians tonight?

That is correct.

(ALL GROANING)

In fact, civilians will
no longer be permitted
in this here facility.

The world's changing, girls,
and we have to change
right along with it.

These men in uniform
are just after one thing.

I don't want to hear
any more talk about
your precious morality.

Morale!

Now that is
what is important!

Now, you are going to
have to smile at men

who you would never
give a second glance
to in peacetime.

ALL: Yes, Miss Fitzroy.

You are going to have
to make polite conversation

with men whose minds
are in the gutter.

ALL: Yes, miss Fitzroy.

And you are going
to have to dance,
and dance close,

with men you might
find repulsive.

ALL: Ew!

(MEN WHOOPING)

Hubba-hubba.
Some of them
are really cute!

I want you!

8 o'clock!

I can't take it!
Just line up!
I love you!

Tonight!

I love you!

Now, that's old reet, Jack.

One of our better
boogie-woogie suits.

And very expensive.

Excuse me,
what do you mean by that?

Nothing.
It's just that I couldn't
help noticing

what you were wearing
when you came in.

My good man, are you
actually accusing me of
not having enough dough

to pay for this suit.
(SHUSHING) No.

I might as well
leave the store.

Come back here, boychik.
Try on the hat,
it goes with the suit.

You know what I mean?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

It's not gonna work.

Not gonna work.

It's not gonna work.

It's not gonna work.

Ain't gonna work.

MAN ON RADIO:
Elsewhere in the news,
it's been reported

that two squadrons
of Japanese planes...

They bombed Pearl Harbor,
and now they're
going to come here.

(GASPS)

They bombed Pearl Harbor,
now they're gonna come here.

They bombed Pearl Harbor,
now they're gonna come here!

(SOBS)

Thank you, but, no, thank you,
I have changed my mind.
I do not want it!

What do you mean,
you changed your mind?

I'm sorry, sir.
I'm taking it off.
But you wanted a suit, sir.

I learned one thing today,
I will never shop
east of Beverly Hills.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!

It ain't gonna work.
It's not gonna work.

Why do I always have
troubles on Christmas?

It ain't gonna work.
It's not gonna work.

It ain't gonna work.
It's not gonna work.

Why can't I have a...

(AIR RAID SIREN WAILING)

Japs! Japs!

Japs!

Get out of my way!

(ALL SHOUTING)

I never thought
they'd be this nervous.

Your first air raid?
Boy, are you two sisters?

Get lost!

I think we swiped
the wrong style.
What do you mean?

Those gals are khaki-whacky.
What?

Look at that!

Dames are falling
for uniforms.

I don't want dames.
All I want is to dance
with Betty tonight.

Come on,
let's get out of here!

Everybody down!

Everybody down!

This is your air raid warning!

Everybody down!

Oh, no.

Fill her up. Ethyl.

Where?

NEWSCASTER: It was just
a case of war nerves.

Two squadrons of
Japanese Zeros...

KELSO: The Japs tried to bomb
San Francisco last night.

Two squadrons of Jap Zeros.
I've been tracking
them ever since.

I lost them
somewhere over Fresno.

MAN: I heard on the radio
that that's not true
about San Francisco.

It was just
a case of war nerves.

War nerves?
Yeah.

Who said "war nerves"?

I heard it on
that radio there.

Radio's wrong.
WOMAN: Oh, my God!

Oh, shit.

Stop that plane!

Stop, God damn it!
Stop!

(GUN FIRING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

Madness. It's the only
word to describe it.

This isn't
the state of California.
This is a state of insanity.

DONNA: General Stilwell,
Colonel Grant suggests

dispatching guard units
to all the city reservoirs.

Intelligence suspects
that fifth columnists
are going to

"pour poison into
the water supply."

The G-2 should
pour knockout drops
into the water supply.

Maybe the people of
this city would calm down

and leave the war to the army.

(SIRENS WAILING)

MAN: Sir?

Sir? The General.

Captain Birkhead?
General Stilwell is here.

WOMAN: You wanna hear sirens?

Ow!

A siren!

What are you doing?
We're not finished yet.

Sorry, Captain.

Captain, what's your name,
again?

Birkhead.
Loomis Birkhead.

Sorry, Captain Birkhead.
That's General Stilwell.

I've gotta get my story!
I was just giving it to you.

I tell you, DuBois.

There are positive aspects
and negative aspects
about being a general's aide.

The General couldn't have been
a couple more minutes late,
now, could he?

Well, sir, it is wartime,
and we all have
to make sacrifices.

Here he comes.

(ALL CLAMORING)

You have a telegram
from Colonel Maddox, sir.

Madman Maddox?
What does he want?

Troops, sir.
Troops?

He runs a practice
bombing range in Barstow.

That's in
the middle of the desert.

What's he want troops for?
Give me that.

"Request emergency troops.
Invasion imminent.

"Suspect hidden Jap airfield
in Pomona alfalfa fields."

Well, I blame myself.
I put that lunatic out there.

Jesus H. Christ, DuBois.
Is that the General's
new secretary?

Oh, yes, sir.
She came in from
G-2 this morning.

Not bad, huh?
Not bad?

She's a goddess, DuBois,
a goddamn goddess.

That is Donna Stratton.
I knew her back in Washington.

She has got this
thing for planes.

One of those real
high-flying types, huh?

I've never seen
anything like it.

She's got planes
on the brain.

STILWELL: Well, his brother
had all those political
connections in Georgia.

So what could I do?
Tell him to hold his position.

I'll just send
somebody up there later.
Where's Birkhead?

He's supposed
to have my lunch.
(WHISTLES)

DONNA: B-17.

(GASPS)

Ooh!

No man has ever gotten
to first base with
her on the ground,

but get her into a plane,
she'll bat your balls
right out of the park.

You can fly, sir?

Who said
anything about flying?

I just gotta get
her into that plane.
I'll fake the rest.

(GASPS)

Hello, Donna.
Donna Stratton,
after all this time.

How long has it been?

Not long enough.

You're not still sore,
are you, Donna?

Yes. In a number of places.

(CHUCKLES)

Same old Donna.
Listen, I got a great idea.

Why don't we get together
for dinner tonight?

We got a lot to talk about.

(LAUGHING)

What could you and I
possibly have to talk about?

Airplanes.

I seem to recall
that you always had

a very keen
interest in aircraft.

Now, take this B-17,
for example.

A woman like you is
bound to appreciate
a plane like the 17.

After all, it's big.
It's the biggest one here.

You know what else?
It's got a lot of range.

You know what I mean
by range, don't you?
Oh, sure.

I mean, it can stay
up for a long time.
A very long time.

And it's built
firm and solid.

'Cause it has to be,
because of its
tremendous forward thrust.

And when this baby
delivers its payload,

devastating.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, Captain. Let's get
something straight.
Please do.

I don't like you.
I don't like the way you act,

and I especially don't
like your immature
sexual innuendoes.

Donna, I was just kidding.

The B-17 happens to be
the most valuable
strategic air bomber

in the United States
Army Air Corps.

When I went to flight school,
we were taught to
secure these things.

I didn't know you
went to flight school.

Well, actually,
I only logged a couple hours
in a little Beechcraft trainer

before I got kicked out...
Upstairs to become
the General's aide.

But can you fly the B-17?
B-17?

Can you fly the B-25?

Well, a plane's a plane.

Can you fly the 24 Liberator?
Got a propeller
and four wings.

Can you fly
the 38 Lightning?

Hey, you can fly one,
you can fly them all.

Sure, I could fly the 17.

Oh, I'm sorry, Captain.

I didn't realize you
had a serious interest
in strategic bombers.

Donna, my interest
is very strategic.

How would you like me
to show you the cockpit?

First, let me say
the possibility
of the Japs bombing us

is, at best, remote.

However, we're installing
anti-aircraft batteries
all over town.

In addition, we have a vast
network of civil defense
volunteer aircraft spotters

keeping a constant vigil.

They report their sightings
directly to Interceptor
Command headquarters.

In the event of a sighting
that cannot be

immediately identified
by headquarters,

we go to condition yellow
as a precaution.

If the aircraft
maintains its position,
attempts to identify it fail,

we go to a condition blue.

If the situation persists,
we cannot establish
radio contact,

we go to a red alert.

During a red alert,
air raid sirens will sound,
all lights must be turned out,

search lights will
scan the skies
for enemy aircraft,

gun crews will be at ready.

I hope.

BIRKHEAD: Clear the props.
Boost pump on.

Energize.
Engage ignition!

Are we cleared for take-off?

(IMITATING RADIO STATIC)

271 cleared for take-off
on runway 18.

Winds from the southwest.

You want the stick?

Yes, yes, yes.
Give it to me.

Right. Now.

We are rolling.

We're rolling
down that runway
faster and faster.

I don't feel any thrust.
Don't worry. Don't worry.

You will. You will.
All right, all right.

We're max power.
We're past the point
of rejection.

All right. Get your nose up!
Pull back on that stick!

Very good.

Landing gear up.

And now we're leveling off
at 20,000 feet, 20,000 feet.

Turn the wheel to the right.

Good.
We're at 20,000 feet.

(SCREAMS)

What's that?
Nothing. Nothing.
It was a little turbulence.

We hit an air pocket.
Nothing to worry about.

Okay.
Objectives in sight.

We peer down the bomb sight.

We're on target.

We open
the bomb bay doors.

We are getting closer
and closer.

We are approaching target.

We are almost there.

Here we go, Donna.
Here we go. Bombs away.

Who's playing in the cockpit,
God damn it?

Mission scrubbed.
Oh, Donna.

Sorry to have to bail out,
Loomis, but it just won't
work on the ground.

I tried it
in the simulator once,

and it was
no good there, either.

We've got to be airborne.
But, Donna, listen.

We'll try another...
A different flight plan.

We are dive-bombing Tokyo.

(IMITATING AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE)

I'd like to say one
final word about bombs.

The eventuality of
an air raid on this city
is highly unlikely.

Oh, Donna.
You can't do this to me.

You don't know
what I've been through today.

Loomis, my father
was a drill sergeant
in the Marine Corps,

and he taught me
how to defend myself.

Now, leave me alone.

Donna, please...

As long as I am here,
I can assure you,

there will be no bombs
dropped here.

(SCREAMING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

We think we've located
Captain Birkhead, sir.

(SWING MUSIC PLAYING
ON CAR STEREO)

(CHATTERING)

Okay, okay.

MAXINE: Bye. See you later.

(SCATTING)

Bye-bye.

Maxine, I don't know
why I ever listen to you.

I can't do this to Wally.

You know he's been waiting
a long time for this.

You know he's even
learning how to dance?

Would you
forget about Wally?

Just think of all
those soldiers and sailors
we'll be dancing with tonight.

I can't forget about Wally!

Oh!
What are you gonna do?

Turn your back
on all those
brave men in uniform

so you can dance
with some criminal?

Wally is not a criminal.
He's just...
He's just original. Oh!

Oh, original.
He stole your father's car.
That's really original.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Wally,
what are you doing here?

Oh, my God.

If my father catches you,
he'll kill you.

I paid my debt to society.

Look, your father has himself
a brand new auto,
a new garage...

Did insurance pay
for all this?

My dad says it can't
possibly cover what
he's going to do to you

if he ever sees you again.

I just had to come by
for a second to show you
the new set of drapes

I picked up
for the dance this evening.

Look at this, a reet pleat,
a stuffed cuff,
and a reet sleeve.

Pretty snazzy, huh?

I have to talk to you...

I have to talk to you.

Would you listen to me, Wally?

You can forget
about dancing...

(YELLS)

They won't let you
near the place
dressed like that.

It's a USO club now.
For servicemen only.

And we are hostesses.

What do you mean, "hostesses"?
Is that like waitresses
or something?

It means we can
only dance with servicemen.

Real men.
What do you mean?

Join some screwy organization
that tells you who you can
and can't dance with?

You're talking about the USO!

Where does that leave us,
Betty?

I know you don't
owe me anything.

But I've been looking
forward to this night
for a long, long time.

What am I supposed to do?

Get a uniform.

This is my uniform!

I'm an American, too.

And there's a lot of things
I have to do, and I have to
do my part, Wally.

Look, there's a lot
of lonely service men
out there,

and I don't want to see them
stuck on some German...

Bayonet.

Do you want to
go with me tonight,
yes or no?

Yes.
Betty, think about
those guys, Betty.

I mean, no.

I mean, yes.

The hairy chests,
and the hairy arms and the...

I don't know!
I don't know.

Look, you just...
You're getting me confused.

I'm just confused!

Okay. Okay.

Wait.

I'll meet you in front
of the dancehall at 8:00.

If they won't let me in,
we can go see a movie
or something.

Okay.

There's that new
Walt Disney cartoon
playing around,

Dumbo!

Oh, my God.
Here comes my father.

And he's got a gun!

(GUFFAWING)

Quick, Wally.
Go out the garage door.

I'll stall him.
I'll stall him.

WALLY: Come on! Oh! Oh, no!
Oh, no! Come on!

BETTY: Hi, Dad!
Hi, girls. Hi, how are you?

Dad, Dad, I'd like
you to meet my friend.
Hi!

It won't open.
It won't open!

Dad, Dad,
I joined the USO.

Yes, I know.
You told me, dear.
We all got to do what we can.

(MAXINE AND BETTY CHATTERING)

A-ha!

Shit.
I didn't hear any gunshots.
He must have got away.

What's that rug...
That's my hat!

Gus, Gus,
wait till they step on it.

That's my brand new hat!

(BOTH SCREAM)

(GIGGLING)

Surrender! Surrender!

Macey Douglas,
what is the meaning of this?

What is this?

Jap trap.
We're gonna cover them over
with sticks and stuff.

And Dad says when
the Japs sneak up,
they'll fall in.

God, Macey,
I'm going to kill you.

Wait till I get out of here,
I'm going to murder you.

You dug your own grave.
And you fell in.

(GASPS)

(VACUUM TURNS OFF)

Ward Douglas.

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

Wow! Look what we're getting.

I will not have
guns in this house...

(WHIMPERING)

Uh, excuse us, ma'am.
Heads up!

(JOAN SCREAMS)

(WHIMPERING)

TREE: Hello?

Sorry, ma'am.
Our gun kind of
got away on us there.

All right, move it back!
Come on!

Shit! Sorry.

Come on, move it out.
Back it up, you foul-ups.

Let's go, Reese.
Move it out, easy now.

Come on, Foley.
Get in here and push.

Gee whiz!

TREE: Corporal Sitarski,
get on that wheel.
Now, come on.

FOLEY: Put some muscle in it.

TREE: All right,
Sitarski, lock it up.

Ow!

Watch yourself.

TREE: Attention,
Foley, Sitarski, Reese,
let's go.

Fall in, on the double.
Let's go.

Hustle, hustle,
hustle, hustle.

Oh, my God! My roses!

Ten-hut! At ease.

Sir, Sergeant Frank Tree,
United States Army,
10th Armored Division.

Mr. Ward Herbert Douglas,
1313 Pelican Way?

Yes.
Uh-huh.

The Coast Artillery Command
has determined your property

to be strategically
advantageous

for the installation
of an enemy aircraft
defense battery.

What?

We want to put
this 40-millimeter
anti-aircraft gun

in your yard, sir.

Joan, they want to put
this gun in our yard.

No. Absolutely not.

I refuse to let
you bring the war
into my own front yard. No.

Joan. Joan, dearest...

That's the point.
Whose front yard is this?

Is it Tojo's front yard?
Is it Hirohito's front yard?

No, no. It's my front yard.

It was bought and paid for
in the free marketplace.

I am going to defend it.

Enjoy this feeling
of defense.

It could become
a lot worse.

I'm not going to run around
like Angelo Scioli

with a whistle and flashlight,
hollering, "Lights out!"

(SHOUTING)

After the war,
I'll change it back to a car.

Right now it's a tank
for the civil defense.
Angelo... Angelo...

You promised me a lawn chair
on the beach in front of
Ward's house with binoculars.

That was originally.

You still got a chair,
you still got binoculars,

only now you're on top
of the Ferris wheel
in the amusement park.

You don't understand.

I've got a little problem.

I'm afraid of heights.

Can't look down
from high up.

What do you call that,
hydrophobia?

Acrophobia.

No problem.
It won't bother you.

You never look down.
You just look up.

You sit on top of the
Ferris wheel with your
binoculars, spotting aircraft,

and you never look down.

Up, up, looking up.
Who's with me?

I got a wonderful guy,
very simpatico.

Calm, cool,
collected, balanced...

He knows all about heights?
He's an expert?

This person is
an expert about everything.

(SHOUTING)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

That's not defense, Joan.
This is defense.

Ward Douglas,
I have to talk to...

Sir, ma'am, please,
let's not fight.

If there's one thing
I can't stand,

it's seeing Americans
fighting Americans.

If you let them keep
that gun in our yard,
our home will become a target.

Joan, we're all targets
in this war.

At least we will
be able to shoot back.

Okay, now, how do I
work this thing, Sergeant?

TREE: Well, you shouldn't
actually touch it.

There will be a gunnery crew
here on Monday to
actually man the ordinance.

WARD: Monday?
Yes, sir.

Remember, I saw him first.

He's mine.

JOAN: I will not allow you
to bring the war
into my own front yard.

WARD: Joan...

Hello, hello, hello.

TREE: Sitarski,
you quit your goldbricking.

Go on in that garage
and find a cement block

and stabilize that ordnance.
SITARSKI: Yes, sir.

On the double, now. Move it.
Yes, sir.

You heard your boss.
Put me down.

Anything you say, doll.

(GASPS)

TREE: Come on,
get the lead out.
Yes, sir!

Move, move, move!

Sergeant, there's no way
this gun can go off
by itself, is there?

Well, sir, actually
I'm a motor pool
maintenance sergeant.

I don't know too much
about the gunnery stuff.

However, I can tell
you this matériel

is a 40-millimeter
automatic gun,

effective against
low-flying aerial targets.

The gun will displace
a 1.96-pound high-explosive...

Count to 10.

One...

Two...

All right, Sergeant,
how can we make sure
that the gun doesn't go off?

Well, as you can see, sir,
the upper part
of the gun carriage

is capable of a full
360 degree traversal

with a maximum
barrel elevation
of 90 degrees.

This is a cement block.

(YELLS)

...feet per second...

(SIGHS)

Don't they teach you
manners in the army?

You're right. I'm sorry.

I'm Corporal Chuck Sitarski,
United States Army.

But my good friends
call me Stretch.

How are you?

Look, I'm sorry
I dropped you in that hole.

Listen,
you got a little thing
in your...

Look, I tell you what,
if it makes you
feel any better,

why don't you
just haul off and slug me?

No, no, I mean it, go ahead.
Plant one right here
on the kisser.

(STAMMERING)
Come on,
plant one on the kisser.

I don't want to hit you.
Come on.

SITARSKI: Okay.

SITARSKI: You ready?
BETTY: Okay.

You shouldn't touch
the ordnance at all.

But, more specifically,
you should never
pull this hand-operating lever

to the rear.
Never.

Do not push
the clip of ammunition down
into the feed rollers here.

You would never put
the ammunition in...

No, sir. Never.

You never restore this lever
to firing position.

Do not make sure
that this cover is
completely closed.

Never depress
operator's foot triggers
here, here,

and at the rear here.
Never.

If an ordinary Joe
like me went

to one of those
fancy USO dances,

you know, and he saw
an awful pretty girl like you,

and, I don't know,
and he wanted to
ask her to dance,

do you think
maybe she'd say...

BETTY: Yes?
Yeah.

(BETTY GIGGLING)

(SCREAMS)

Betty, don't listen
to that jerk.

You!

You!

You!
You.

You have a really serious
wardrobe problem, kid.

WALLY: It's isn't fair.
No! No!

(ALL CLAMORING)

WALLY: Put me down! No! No!
No, no, no, no, no!

It doesn't matter.

I'm gonna be there
at 8:00 in front of
the Crystal Ballroom.

I'll meet you there.

No, you won't.

Yes, I will.

No, you won't!

Yes, I will!

No, you won't.

(IN JAPANESE)

(EXCLAIMS)

(IN GERMAN)

(IN JAPANESE)

(IN GERMAN)

(IN JAPANESE)

(SPEAKS JAPANESE)

(ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Cheese!

ALL: Cheese!

(SINGING COUNTRY SONG)

Skinny round the bottom,
but what the hell.

Well, I'll be doggone.

Where'd you little bastards
come from?

Thought you could
hide from ol' Holly,
didn't you?

Doggone it.

They get smaller
every year.

Shoot! Fire, fire, fire!

Yes, sir,
that will do.

I'm gonna have
to try that again.

(SHOUTING)

Jesus palomino!
Walking trees!

(READING)

(SHOUTING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

Huh.

Lost.

Uh-oh.

(SQUEAKING)

(SQUEAKING)

Ah.

(SINGING DEEP IN
THE HEART OF TEXAS)

(SQUEAKING)

(SQUEAKS)

Starved.

Can opener!

(GURGLES)

(WHOOPING)

Hey, does that gun work?

You ain't gonna
shoot nobody, are you?

You ought to get
some oil on that thing.

You shouldn't leave it sitting
out here in the wind.

Down there?
What is it? A Winchester?

That's what I got,
a Winchester.

Doggone lever action,
shoots like a house on fire.

Doggone, you ought to
try to pick one up...
Hey, don't go stepping on me.

(SHOUTING IN JAPANESE)

Ought to try to pick one up
while you're over here.

Damn good gun.

(GRUNTS)

(IN JAPANESE)

You sneaky little
bastards ain't getting
doodly-shit out of me,

except maybe my name,
rank and social
security number.

Wood, Hollis P. Lumberjack.

Social security,

1-0-6-4-3-2-1-8-5.

(IN JAPANESE ACCENT)
Where Hollywood?

Right here.

What?

You're looking at him.

Who?

Hollis Wood.

Where?

I'm right here.

Shoot. Can't you
understand plain English?

Hollywood?
Huh?

Where?
Here.

Look. Where Hollywood?

North? South?

(LAUGHS) Oh.

You want me to tell you
where Hollywood is.

Well, shoot. That's easy.
Hollywood is right...

Oh, no, you don't.

You thought you
was gonna get me
to show you

where Hollywood was,
didn't you?

Tried to sneak up on me
like you did Pearl Harbor.

Bet you're gonna bomb
John Wayne's house,
ain't you?

(IN JAPANESE ACCENT)
John Wayne?

I knew it.

I knew it.
I ain't gonna tell
you one stinking thing.

Why, you can torture me.
Do anything that you want to.

Jesus palomino.

A Nazi! I knew it.

You're all in cahoots.

Well, let me
tell you something,
Mr. Heinie Kraut,

I fought your kind
in the Great War,

and we kicked
the living shit
out of you.

(SINGING OVER THERE)

(SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

(SHOUTS IN JAPANESE)

Hey! What did you go
tearing up my radio for?

What's the big idea?

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

WOOD: All right.
Go ahead and search me
if you want to.

One genuine
American jackrabbit foot.

One authentic early
American hari-kari knife.

Pass it around, boys.
Maybe somebody's
got a use for it.

One 10-cent box of delicious,
nutritious,
caramel-coated popperjacks.

(MEN CHATTERING IN JAPANESE)

WOOD: Doggone it,
this is my stuff.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

(VON KLEINSCHMIDT
SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

(IN JAPANESE ACCENT) Compass!

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(ALL CHEERING)

Banzai, my balls...

(CHOKING)

(WOOD COUGHING)

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Let's see you try
and find Hollywood now,
you scrawny little...

Hey, boy,
watch that knife.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(SNIFFING)

Prune juice.

Oh, no, you don't!

(WOOD GROANING)

(SINGING IN JAPANESE)

(WOOD GURGLING)

(SPLUTTERING)

Oh, boy, rides!

Angelo, I just hope...
What if my nose bleeds?

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

A Ferris wheel!

I love Ferris wheels.

And we get to
ride this all night?

ANGELO: Just to the end
of the shift.

Wait a minute,
we don't have to
pay for this, do we?

Just remember, we're working
for the government now.

Don't worry, Herb,
you don't pay for nothing.

Is that where you turn it on?
I always wanted to
work one of these babies.

Warning,
do not turn on switch.

Ow! Hey!

Don't touch that.

These are
the master control switches.

You fool around with them,
you'll turn on
the whole amusement park.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

I love Ferris wheels.

ANGELO: Relax, Claude.
Everything's
gonna be all right.

Here's what you gotta do.

If you hear or
see any airplanes,
you pick up the phone,

you yell, "Army flash!"

You got a direct line

to the Interceptor Command.
(LAUGHS) Hey!

Then you tell them
exactly what you
saw and where. Here.

You know my problem
with heights.

I don't want to be
stuck up there with him.

Jesus Christ, Angelo.
They gave him a gun.

That's all right.
He got a license.
He's an expert shot.

Now, don't worry about
nothing. Try to adjust.

To know him is to
love him. Now, don't
worry about nothing.

I think you'll both
be compatible.

If not,
I'll get you a replacement.

Now just sit down, Claude.

Remember,
you're both very vital
to civil defense.

Safety bar?
We don't need no safety bar.

What happens if
we have to jump?

You keep the safety bar
locked at all times.

And remember,
don't act up, Herbie,
like you did last summer.

No standing up and no rocking.

You mean this thing rocks?

Whoa! Whoa!

HERBIE: Don't worry, pal.
You're perfectly safe.

Like a babe
in his mother's arms.

Why, you got nothing
to worry about.

You know, I once swung around
in one of these things

180 degrees,
and I didn't get hurt.

No, sir, buddy boy.
There's no way

you can get killed in
one of these things,

unless you really try.

Like this one guy I knew.
He committed suicide.

He just stood right up
and did a swan dive
straight down.

Sit down, please. Just...
Just stay seated, please.

Don't look down, Claude.
You'll be all right.

Up, up, up.
I'll be back to pick you up
after your shift. Ciao.

Hey,
this grapefruit's rotten.

I'm gonna throw it away.
Is it all right with you
if I throw it away?

All right,
I'm gonna throw it away.

Here it goes.
It's going. It's going.
It's going. It's going.

Going. It's going.
It's going.

Too bad I forgot to time it.

If I'd timed it,
I would have known how long
it took to hit the ground.

Because you know
that objects fall
at exactly 32 feet per second.

Would you just
shut up about heights?

I don't want to hear
another word about heights.

Boy, I sure hope
the wind starts...

Just shut up!

Now, don't say another word.

(LAUGHING) Scared of heights,
huh? Me, too.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(SIGHS)

(IN JAPANESE)

You ain't
getting shit out of me.

I've been
constipated all week,

and there ain't a damn thing
you can do about it.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(IN GERMAN)

(IN JAPANESE)

Now, wait a minute, General.
I'm doing the best I can.

You gotta tell these guys
that I gotta have
a little bit more privacy.

Shoot, how in the hell
do you expect a guy
to take a bowel movement

with a bunch of buffalo rifles
a-pointing at him?

Shoot, I have enough problems
just pissing in
a public restroom.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

(WOOD SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(IN JAPANESE)

(HARRUMPHS)

(SCREAMING)

(SOLDIERS CHATTERING
IN JAPANESE)

(SCREAMING)

(SIGHING LOUDLY)

(ALL CHATTERING IN JAPANESE)

(CHATTERING CONTINUES)

(ALL SCREAMING)

All right, you!

(SOLDIERS SHOUTING
IN JAPANESE)

(BULLET RICOCHETING)

(CONVERSING IN
JAPANESE AND GERMAN)

Get out of my way!

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

God bless America!

Let go of my foot,
you vile little
son of a bitch, you!

(SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

(MUTTERING IN GERMAN)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Which way is the damn beach?
Oh, shit.

(MUTTERING IN GERMAN)

Detail, assume defense
positions on the double!

March!

SOLDIER: Clear all
civilians out of here.

No civilians tonight.
Get them back there.

Ah, Dumbo.

Sure be good to get
my mind off things
for a while.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Come on,
I don't want to miss Dumbo.

General Stilwell, sir,
an urgent message
from Barstow.

From Colonel Maddox, son?

Colonel, they're
worried about an invasion.

Christ,
I thought I told Maddox
to hold his position.

Birkhead, see what he wants.
Yes, sir.

I'm sorry, sir.
My orders are to give
these directly to you.

"Request relief column.
Invasion imminent.

"Murderers parachuting
in from the skies."

Son, are these Jap murderers
or Kraut murderers?

The Colonel didn't specify,
sir.

You've seen
these murderers, son?

No, sir, but Colonel Maddox
has seen lights in the hills
after dark.

This leads the Colonel to
believe they're being
dropped in at night, sir.

You know, son,

Colonel Maddox is mad.

He is?

"Getting that old
sinking feeling..."

Excuse me, General,
but since it's
a bombing range,

don't you think Colonel Maddox
would have some
planes there, sir?

Some airplanes.

Yeah, well, he might have
a few planes there. So what?

Well, I seem to recall
a huge stockpile
of bombs, sir.

They're starting.
I'm missing the movie.
I'm missing the movie.

Considering Maddox's
state of mind, sir,

there's no telling
what he might do.

I thought it might be wise
if I would take
a jaunt out there

and see if I can't
appease the girl...
The Colonel, sir.

With your permission,
of course.

All right, Loomis.
Take my car,

go out there and
keep that maniac at bay.

And don't let him
get his hands
on an airplane.

Yes, sir.

Excuse me, sir,
but I'm gonna take
a rain check on the movie.

I've got
a splitting headache and I...

I'm sorry about your headache.
Can I call a car for you?

Oh, no, sir, that
won't be necessary.

I think I can persuade
Captain Birkhead to give me...

Can I have my ticket?

Loomis, use your head.
Everybody knows

you flunked out
of flight school.

Trust me,
it'll never get that far.

(HORN HONKS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

If we don't paint the windows,

these lights'll shine
over the water
30-40 miles.

We could get new curtains.

I wouldn't mind that.
That nice soldier who was
wearing that nice uniform,

he said we could
get black-out curtains
at Sears Roebuck.

I wouldn't mind redoing
this whole room,
as a matter of fact.

I wouldn't mind.

Since Momma died,
I wouldn't mind redoing
the whole house.

Knock down a few walls,
what do you think?

Somebody should do something.

Macey Douglas,
will you please take
your gas mask off?

You know that is
no way to eat your soup!

But, Mom,
he likes it that way.

No lima beans
can get through.

Ward...

(JOAN GASPS)

BETTY: Mom, Dad...

Green pig.
...I'm leaving now.

Macey...

Betty, just a minute, please.

Look at you.

Come in the living room,
let's...

Let's have a little talk.

We've never really had a talk,
have we, Betty?

A father-daughter
kind of a talk.

Betty...

I'm too old to
be in this war.

The boys, Macey, the others,
they're too young.

It's up to you.

I don't know what they've
told you down at the USO,

but you're going to be
meeting a lot of strange men.

Men in uniform.

Boys a long way from home.

Lonely, desperate.

They only have one thing
on their minds.

Show them a good time.

All right, you lovers.

Quit gettin' all dolled up.

We're not going to any dance.

What?

We've just been posted
on combat readiness.
Combat readiness?

We gotta play wet nurse
to Lulubelle. Come on.

Combat readiness?
God, this is Hollywood!

It's Hollywood, is it, Foley?

I guess they didn't tell
you guys Lana Turner's
going to be coming by

to keep us all
company tonight.

Where's Sitarski?

That Goldbrick.

If he went AWOL on me,
it's his ass!

Sitarski, duty calls!

(GRUNTS)

I want that there bunk
right there by the door.

I don't want none
of them there
Asian enemies

sneaking up on me
while I'm in here asleep.

My name is
Ogden Johnson Jones.

Now,
I ain't gonna enjoy it here,

but I got orders that say
I'm supposed to be here.

And orders is orders.

Is there anybody in here
that don't like it?

Reese!
Give me a jar of that
white stencil paint.

Now, now, Ogden.

I know you're gonna
like it here.

Now, there's a few rules
you gotta abide by.

For example,
if you'll notice
down here, sir,

you'll notice this white line,
which is the Mason-Dixon line.

Now, that is the north,
and this is the south.

Now, don't every
cross over there. No.

I'm from Tennessee,
and I'm going home
to visit my relatives.

That's always nice,
but this is Mississippi,
don't ever cross across there.

Yeah, well,
I wanna pick
magnolia flowers.

Magnolias, you say.

Never cross
at the Mexican border.

You wouldn't dare
cross the Mexican border,
would you?

Hola, and a sí, sí, sí,
to you.

(EXCLAIMS)

White flag, I surrender,
bye-bye.

It never fails,
this guy's already...

(ALL CHATTERING)

They won't let nobody in
without no uniform.

See Betty in there?
I've only been here
10 minutes.

(ALL WHOOPING)

Who the hell are you
supposed to be,

the admiral
of the Hollywood navy?

I'm looking for somebody.

I'm looking for a size 10
up your ass.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Oh, no.

Hi.
Hi.

You know what?
What?

You got a lot of balls
coming here tonight.

You know why?
Why?

'Cause when I get through
with you, you ain't gonna
have none left.

MAN: Hit the dude, Wally.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Listen, I tell you what.

Since I'm obviously
interrupting something
important,

he's all yours.

Poor bastard.

Smell something burning?

Yeah, it smells like garbage.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

Look, lady,
I've had it up to here.

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(SCREAMING)

Thank you.

Wally!

WALLY: Betty,
I have to talk to you.

Wally...
Would you excuse us,
please, sir?

Betty, I wanna apologize
for this afternoon.

Wally, we have nothing
to talk about right now.

Sir, I'm sorry,
we're late for the dance.

Betty, I can explain.
Don't go in there with him.

I know him.
I know what he's like.

Miss Douglas? Allow me.

(BAND PLAYING SWING MUSIC)

(SINGING DOWN BY THE OHIO)

Chuck, Wally's in
the middle of the street!

What?

Hey! Hey, you wanna dance?

No!

You wanna dance?
No!

Look, you...
Wally!

Dennis, what the...
What are you doing?

That guy's a killer!

What the hell have
you got on here?

Dennis, come on, Dennis.
Dennis, come on, Dennis.

Let's dance.
Let's dance.

I don't believe it.
You mean you joined up?
No.

Wally, look,
costume, just $2.

Do you care for
a drink, Betty?
I'm not thirsty.

Gimme a couple Cokes.
WAITRESS:
Couple Cokes, coming up.

I'm really not hungry.

Couple of doughnuts,
too, all right?

Hey, you devil,
how about a devilled egg?

Oh, no, I hate eggs.
My grandmother made them.

I can't stand eggs.
Excuse me, Miss Betty.

Would you care to dance?
Yes.

I'd love to dance.
Would you excuse us, please?

Listen.
That is my port of entry.

Believe me, walk away.
Just walk away.

I'm walking away.
I'm walking.

Your doughnut, Betty.

I'll get it.

Say, babes,
wanna cut a rug with me, huh?

Maybe have a little
pick-me-up. We could...

Maybe later.

Betty, I think it's
getting a little bit
crowded around here.

Why don't we go and dance?

That's the man for me.

(TUNING RADIO)

(IN JAPANESE)

(SINGING BABY MINE)

It sure is dark out here, huh?

Look out the windows,
you can't see a thing.

(LAUGHING)

This is just like
flying at night.

And sure is a hell
of a lot safer
than flying at night.

In fact,
if I didn't know better,
I'd swear we were flying.

This car feels just
like an airplane.

What does this feel like?
No, wait,
what does this feel like?

Forward thrust?
Loomis...

Donna, doesn't that feel
like forward thrust?
Loomis!

You're such a child.

I'll tell you what,
you get me up in an airplane,

then we'll talk
about forward thrust.

(BARKING)

What's your real name, Sal?

Raoul.
I knew it.

Lipschitz.

(SINGING DOWN BY THE OHIO)

Betty!

Wally!

Betty!

Wally!

MAN: Hey, come on.

You'll never
drink in here again,
you drunken son of a bitch.

(EXCLAIMING IN SPANISH)

(PANTING)

They don't want see no drunks
bothering and grabbing them.

Just a little bit,
all right? I'm sorry.

BOUNCER: No drinking.

MAN: (GRUNTING) I'm so sorry.

(GROANING) No!

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I please
have your attention?

Attention, please, everyone.

Listen up now, everyone.
All right.

(BAND PLAYING SWING MUSIC)

Meyer, come on up here.

All right.
The jitterbug contest
is about to begin.

(CHEERING)

That's right.

And now I'm gonna
introduce our
judge for the contest,

Mr. Meyer Mishkin
of RKO Pictures.

RKO Pictures!

Now, Meyer is an agent
at RKO Pictures and he's...

Talent scout.

Oh, talent scout, all right.

Why don't you tell them
about first prize, huh?

First prize is
a seven-year contract
at RKO Pictures.

Seven years!
Did you hear that?

Betty, I called us a cab.

Let's get out of here
so these slobs
can't bother us anymore.

You wanna dance with me?
Look, I'm in the USO.
I'll dance with you.

(COUGHING)
EMCEE ON PA: We're gonna send
all the world a message.

We're gonna jitterbug into
the hearts of the whole world.

(GRUNTS)

Sailor, please.

Please dance with me.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.

I don't wanna go.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I want you to
count down with me

on this momentous, tremendous,

absolutely pretty
important occasion.

All right.

(CHEERING)

We can't go yet. There's...

You wanna dance?

Sure, dolly.

And...

CROWD: Ten!

What the hell are you... Hey!

CROWD: Nine!

You crazy son of a bitch.
What are you doing?

Please.

ALL: Seven!
Help me.

Come on, give me a break.

Give you what?
Give me a break, will you?

Time.

ALL: Four!

Please.

ALL: Three!

(SCREAMS)

ALL: Two!
Wait for me, Stretch!

ALL: One!

And grab your partner
and take it away!

MAXINE: Stretch,
wait for me, Stretch!

(BAND PLAYING SWING MUSIC)

Wally!

Wait a minute, Betty.
We gotta dance. Come on.

Run!

(GRUNTS)

MAN: Look out.

(GROANS)

Stretch!

(WOMAN GIGGLING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

MAXINE: Watch it.

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

Stretch!

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

Who's that lady?

Get away.

Oh, Stretch.

Whoa!

(GRUNTS)

(CROWD GASPS)

Look at that!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Wally! Hey, Wally!

(ALL CHEERING)

That's my best friend.
And he's dancing.

What's that guy's name?
What a dancer!

Watch it, Wally!

(CROWD GASPS)

(GROANS)

Well, well, well.

Just the son of a bitch
I'm looking for.

(CROWD GASPS)

You son of a bitch!

(CROWD SCREAMS)

Wait a second! Wait, guys!

Now, wait a second! Wait!

(CROWD YELLING)

(SHOUTING STOPS)

(BELL RINGS)

(ALL SHOUTING)

Are you okay?

Stop! Stop it!

(GRUNTING)

Wally!

(GRUNTS)

I love you, Stretch!

(MAN SCREAMING)

BIRKHEAD: So, the right
engine and then...

DONNA: I don't see any planes
out here, Loomis.

You don't?

Do you know what's
gonna happen to you

if there aren't
any planes out here?

Do you have any idea?
Can you possibly imagine?

Well, Donna,
would you just relax?

Loomis. Loomis.

Donna, I'm gonna
have a look around.

I'll be right back.

Hello.

Hello?

Anybody home?

No! Don't shoot!
Don't shoot!

Don't shoot! Oh, don't shoot.
Please, don't shoot!

SOLDIER: Identify yourself.

Captain Loomis Birkhead,
United States Army.

Birkhead? What kind
of stupid name is that?

Just stand right there.
Winowski.

Little tall for a Jap,
wouldn't you say?

Yeah, but those Japs are
sneaky bastards, sir.

You never know.

You're right.

Check him for stilts.

Stilts, sir?
Do it.

Yo.

(EXCLAIMS)

God! Son of a bitch!

Ah, thank God, Captain.

(LAUGHING)

Thank God, you got through.

(CHUCKLING)

My troops.
Where are my troops?

Stilwell promised me troops.

Yes, sir. You see...
Well, we're a little
short-handed, sir.

Short-handed?
Stilwell's trying to hold LA.

Stilwell? LA?

Yes.
Oh, my God, does he
realize how desperate

my situation is here?

They're parachuting murderers
into these hills,

and now I'm getting
reports of secret airstrips

hidden away in the alfalfa
fields of Pomona.

Colonel, you don't...

You don't have
any bombers here,
do you, sir?

Bombers?

If I had bombers, son,
I'd be bombing the hell
out of them right now!

(TROOPS LAUGHING)

No planes.

Boy, am I in trouble now.

(LAUGHING STOPS)

Hell, son, the only
plane I got around here

is that old
shit-on-a-shingle trainer
sitting right over there.

(WHISPERS) It's fine,
it's fine. Let's go.

Sir, I happen to have
a reconnaissance expert

from our intelligence
office in Washington
with us in the car,

and with your
permission, sir,

we'd like to take that
trainer and try to spot
that enemy airfield.

Why, son, that plane
doesn't have any guns on it.

You're talking suicide.

I have no other choice.

Ladies and gentlemen,
everywhere I look,

soldiers are fighting sailors,
sailors are fighting marines.

Directly in front of me,
I see a flying blonde floozy.

Everywhere I look, everywhere,
pure pandemonium.

I'm gonna do
your head just like...

Did you hear that radio
over there?

Take your head...

Our boys are fighting
each other down there.

If there's one thing
I can't stand,

it's Americans
fighting Americans.

Jones!
Yes, sir.

You wanna fight
in this man's army?

Yes, sir,
I want to fight.

Gentlemen.

Draw your gear and weapons
and prepare to mount up.

Immediately!
On the double!
Let's go!

Jones, port hatch.

Where's the port hatch,
Sarge?

The back door!

Foley, fuel pumps, prime one.

Fuel pumps, prime one.

And two.
And two.

Fuel pumps primed.

Magnetos.

Spark one.
Magnetos, spark one.

Two.
And two.

All right,
boost and start her up.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Parking brake released.
Flaps up. I'm set.

We're ready. Radio on.

Jesus Christ!
What?

This thing hasn't
got a radio!

Colonel,
this thing hasn't
got a radio!

What radio?

It hasn't got a radio!

I gotta let
Interceptor Command
know I'm up there.

I don't want to get
my ass shot off!

Hell, son, you can't call
Interceptor Command.

That plane doesn't
have a radio!

I know it doesn't
have a radio!

I know it doesn't
have a radio,
but I got a telephone.

Don't worry,
I'll call them for you.

You got a telephone. Okay.

Bomb the hell
out of them, son!
That's it, straight away.

Look out there.
Take your foot
off the right brake, son.

Loomis, stop showing off.

Get out of there!

Son!
You're going the wrong way!

Quest-ray emergency oops-tray.
And we're eady-ray to oll-ray.

Don't do that, son.

And salute.

Full throttle. Max power.
Past the point of rejection.

I think you're gonna
hit the tower.

No, we missed it.

This is SOP.

How do you read me?

Interceptor Command,
this is Colonel Maddox. Hello?

My God, we've been cut off!

Did you ever see
an elephant fly?

Well, I seen a horsefly.

I seen a dragonfly!

I seen a housefly.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Yeah,
I've seen all that, too.

I seen a peanut stand.

And heard a rubber band.

I seen a needle
that winked its eye.

But I be done seen
about everything
when I see a elephant fly.

What'd you say, boy?
I said, when I see a...

(WHISPERS) Sir.
Yes, Sergeant?

Sir, they're rioting
in the streets.

Who's rioting?

Soldiers.
Soldiers and sailors.

And zoot suits.
Zoot-suiters?

Yes, sir.

That sounds to me like
a matter for the police.

Police, shore patrol, MPs.

Let them handle the riots,
and I'll handle the Japanese.

That's all, Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

Get out of the way.
I can't see the screen.

Down in front. You, down.

Relax. Watch the movie.

(SINGING ONSCREEN)

Colonel Maddox.
Aircraft approaching, sir.

Hold your fire.
Pass it on.

SOLDIER 1: Hold your fire.
Pass it on.

SOLDIER 2: Hold your fire.
Pass it on.

SOLDIER 3: Hold your fire.
SOLDIER 4: Hold your fire.

(GRUNTING)

My leg, it...
Wake up.
Come on.

Wake up.
Wake up, wake up!

Ground crew!

What form of lunatic is that?

What kind of lunatic
runs this place? Come on!

Yo.

Come on, wake up,
you moron. Wake up.

Not now, Winowski,
you stupid soda jerk.

Come on!

He's on the level, sir.

Identify yourself.

Captain Wild Bill Kelso,
United States Army Air Corps.

Where the hell am I?

Barstow.
Where you coming from?
San Francisco.

Been tracking a Jap squadron
for a day and a half.

I lost them somewhere
over Fresno.

I'm from Olena, Illinois.
Tough shit.

You see any Japs around here?

Oh, hell, son,
they're all over the place.

They got a secret air base
down in Pomona.

That's where they're
all coming from.

Pomona.

Which way is Pomona?

That way, toward LA.

And heave!

(YELLS)

Get away! My leg!

My name's Wild Bill Kelso,
and don't you forget it.

That's the kind of talk
I like to hear, boy!

That's it.
Let me hear your guns.

My guns?

I wanna hear
what they sound like.
Let me hear them.

(IMITATING GUNFIRE)

(SHOUTING)

Vaya con Dios, my friend!

To Hollywood and glory!

This thing handles
pretty well,
even if it's not a B-17,

but does it have
much range, Loomis?
Huh?

I mean, do you think
it'll stay up for a long time?

Sure. Hell, we've used
less than a quarter
of a tank already.

Look. We're already
over the Riverside County
reservoir.

Army flash, army flash.
Post, Riverside County
reservoir.

Code name Strawberry.
Three single-engine aircraft.

Three single-engine aircraft
heard five miles northeast
of Strawberry,

proceeding west,
high altitude.

Strawberry's in Sector 14.
No clearance
for aircraft in 14.

I repeat, no clearance.
Request visual information.

Visual information
not available.

Try to contact aircraft
by radio.

Tangerine confirms
Strawberry aircraft
proceeding west.

Attention, all units!
Condition yellow.

I repeat, yellow alert.

(DINGS)

(ALL CLAMORING)

What you need is
a little pick-me-up.

I'll give you a...

There they are, men!
Let's get them!

(ALL SHOUTING)

WOMAN: Oh, no! No!

(SCREAMS)

(YELLING)

Yeah!

What the hell do
you people think
you're doing?

You're acting like
a bunch of Tojo stooges.

What do you wanna do,
put Yamamoto in
the White House?

The Axis is
crawling like a slime
all over Europe.

I can't believe it,
Americans fighting Americans.

We've got
the lousy Huns to fight.

...reporting aircraft engine,
sir, east, proceeding west,
altitude high.

Sector 13.

There's no clearance on 13.

Request status
or radio contact.

Sir, negative radio contact.
Aircraft refuses to respond.

Area airport activity,
negative.

Go to blue.

Condition blue.

(DINGS)

(BAND PLAYING SLOW MUSIC)

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that just about wraps up

another evening's
entertainment here
at the Crystal Ballroom

in downtown Los Angeles.

I hope you enjoyed
tonight's program.

I'd like to thank all the Gls

for helping make
tonight's evening
such a memorable occasion.

Maybe in the future we can
have some Negroes come in,

and we'll stage
a race riot right here.

Wally!

Well,
this is Sal Stewart saying
I hope you had a good time.

We're gonna be
boogie-woogie-ing our way

right out across
the street soon.

So stay tuned to
this station...

Next week, we'll be back.
Hope you had a good time.

Oh! Oh.

(GRUNTING)

Stretch! Oh, boy!

(GRUNTING)

Hey, you!

Make no mistake about this,
you can count on this.

And I know this for a fact.

The Japs do not surrender
and they don't take prisoners.

They have only
one idea in mind.
You know what that is?

Do you know what
that is, sailor?
CROWD: No!

To kill, that's right.

To kill you and to
kill your families. Yes.

(CROWD BOOING)

To kill your families,
your mothers,
your loved ones, your pets,

and to keep on killing
until they conquer the world.

(CROWD BOOING)

And when they do,
you won't be able to speak...

Wally!
...your free mind.

You won't be able
to go and worship God
in your own way.

Pardon me.

You won't be able to walk
down the main street
of your home town

with your best gal
on your arm anymore.

(CROWD BOOING)

MAXINE: Stretch! Stretch!

Look at Santa Claus.
Isn't he cute?

(CROWD ROARS)

Do you think the Japanese
believe in Santa Claus?

(CROWD ROARS)

Well, instead of turkey
for your Christmas dinner,

how would you like to have
raw fish heads and rice?

CROWD: No!

Do you think the Krauts
believe in Walt Disney?

CROWD: Yeah!

Yeah? Well,
was that Mickey Mouse I saw
blitzkrieging across France?

CROWD: No!
Wally?

Pluto in Poland?
Oh, I'm sorry.

Or Donald Duck
at Pearl Harbor?

CROWD: No!

This time we free
the world or we lose it.

(CROWD CHEERING)

This time we win
or we die trying.

Donna, would you lay off?
I'm trying to steer!

What's wrong, Loomis?
You're not airborne yet.

What are you talking about?

Look out the window,
of course we're airborne.

We are, but you're not.

Post Cauliflower.
Aircraft, 12 o'clock,
proceeding west.

In Sector 12, sir,
they're heading for LA.

What about visual
information, sir?

To hell with visual
information, they're Japs.

Let's go to red.

Red alert for Los Angeles.

Red alert.

(SIREN BLARING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

We sure as hell didn't
start this war, but, by God,
we're gonna finish it.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(AIR RAID SIREN BLARING)

(CROWD QUIETS)

(WHISPERING) Japs.

Japs.

This is it.
Let's show those
lousy Huns what we got.

(CROWD CHEERS)

All right.
Prepare to mount up.
Foley, let's go.

(LAUGHING)

(SIREN CONTINUES)

MOUSE:
All right, you wise birds!

Now what?

You!

(BETTY SCREAMS)

Hi, Stretch!

(ALL SHOUTING)

(SIREN CONTINUES IN DISTANCE)

Ward, what's all that noise?

Are the Sciolis
having a party?

(ALL WHOOPING)

(VON KLEINSCHMIDT
SPEAKING GERMAN)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(SOLDIERS SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(VON KLEINSCHMIDT
SPEAKING GERMAN)

(WHISPERING) Invasion.

(WHISPERING) Japanese.

(RASPING) Joan!

(VON KLEINSCHMIDT
SPEAKING GERMAN)

(WHISPERING)
Tell your mother...

Mom, Dad's got something
stuck in his throat!

What is it, dear?

Invasion!

(AIR RAID SIREN CONTINUES)

OFFICER: Boys, come on.
Get that other spotlight
out here. Let's go.

All right, you dog asses.
Fall in here. Ten-hut!

Big brass, Sarge.

General Stilwell.

What a mess.
What a goddamn mess!

Motor Sergeant Frank Tree...
Bressler!

...reporting for
combat duty, sir!

Get me Interceptor Command!

Is there a phone around here?
In the theater, sir.

Get on it.
Yes, sir.

Sergeant.
Yes, sir!

Secure this area.
Give me a one-block perimeter.

Yes, sir. What's
the plan of action, sir?

Hold the block.

You can hold
one block, can't you?

(SIREN STOPS)

It's quiet.

Too quiet.

(CAT MEOWS)

(PANTING)

Is the target in
sight yet, Loomis?

Oh, it will be, just
as soon as I make it
through these hills.

(AIRPLANE APPROACHING)

Do you hear that?

Yeah.

More thrust.

(MOANING)

(GAGGING)

I see the son of a bitch.
I'm going in after him.

Give it to me, Loomis.
Oh, give it to me!

(DONNA SCREAMS)

(DONNA EXCLAIMING)

It's a Zero!

I see him, I see him.

Where?

OFFICER: Keep going,
keep going. Come on!
Keep going. Keep going.

I'm gonna hit the sign!

Forget the sign.
Keep going. Perfect.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I've never felt
anything like that before.

You're damn right.
They think we're Japs!

(SINISTER LAUGH)

What are you guys
shooting at?

I don't know.
Whatever they're shooting at.

Okay, let's go!

God, am I in trouble now.

(SCREAMS)

I'm in trouble now!

Donna!

Oh, God, I'll be good!
I'll be good!

Quit fooling around.

Donna, level it off!

(KELSO SINGING
DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Sarge, isn't it
standard procedure

during an air raid
to have a blackout?

Yeah, what are all
these lights doing on?

I don't know.
Must be a foul-up somewhere.

I guess we're gonna have
to knock them out ourselves.

That's a great idea, Sarge.

Reese, advance me
60 feet, column left.

Take up a position.
I'm gonna douse these lights.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

Hey, kid, you're the greatest
trick-foot artist I ever seen,

and I seen them
all over the world.

Here. Just sign right here.
Seven-year contract.

Where's Betty?
Where's Betty?
Start you off at...

She went out there.

MISHKIN: Wait! Hey, wait.

Hey, you. You!
You with the stripes!

Hey, do you want to be a pal
and come help me
pick up my ammo?

Yeah, all right.

Thanks a lot, buddy.

Okay, forward ho.
We're gonna draw
trajectory on Dumbo!

(AIRPLANES PASSING OVERHEAD)

Look out!

(GROANS)

Tommies.
SOLDIER: Sarge?

Tommies, the tommies.

Detroit is
the arsenal of democracy.
Sarge, Sarge!

He got knocked on the head.
He always did
have a glass head.

Look, he's babbling
like an idiot.
What are we gonna do?

You can't go out
on me now, Sarge.

Please, you been like
a father to me, Sarge.

I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.

We're gonna go home.
We're gonna paint
the scratches on this tank.

We're gonna put
the Sarge to bed,

and we're gonna forget
this night ever happened.

I got him!

Knock out
those lights, kid.

He wants me to
knock out the lights.

You see the mess
on the streets?

Well, I'm not gonna
take the rap for this.

Well, he's that
tap-dancing Yankee fry boy
from this morning.

Yeah, I know,
but he's wearing the stripes.

What'll it be, Sarge?

Right.
Let's knock out these lights!

(SINISTER LAUGH)

(GUN FIRING)

Take that, Tojo. Take that!

This is war.

(GRUNTING)

Angelo, hurry.
My husband is crazy.

He says he sees
Japanese coming
from the ocean.

Eat lead, slant.

(MACHINE GUN FIRING)

(SCREAMING)

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Has anyone in
your command seen
these Zeros?

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
No, sir, but we're
shooting at them.

Now, listen. I want
you to think about this.

Bombs! I don't hear any bombs.

If they're up there,
if they've come all
the way from Asia,

don't you think they'd bring
a few bombs along?

I don't know, sir, but...
But nothing!

I can't have an air
raid without bombs.

Come on, fly!

You can do it!

Donna, don't worry about this.

I'm gonna set this baby down
if it's the last thing I do.

(SCREAMING)

Sayonara, sucker!

(LAUGHS)

Donna, are you okay? Donna?

Where are we?
Where's the door?

(BOTH SCREAM)

(BOTH SCREAM)

DONNA: Where are we?
What is this stuff?

Oh, my God,
are we in trouble now.

(GUNS FIRING)

Hey, what the hell
are you shooting at me for?

I'm an American.
Can't you tell the difference?

(BULLETS RICOCHETING)

Holy shit,
I better get my ass out
over the ocean.

Hey, there's
a Kraut on board, too.

We got the whole
damn Axis here.

What are we gonna do?

Defend our homes, Angelo.

How do you expect
to do that, Ward?

The army gave me a gun.
I think it's high
time we used it.

BOYS: Yeah!

CLAUDE: Hello? Hello?

Hello!
Scioli doesn't answer me.

(SCREAMING)

Jesus Christ, it's a sub.
Look, you guys, a Jap sub.

(SCREAMING)

Holy shit, Herb!
The dummy's right.

Japs.
It's a full-scale invasion.

Gimme that phone!

Japs!

(IN GERMAN)

(IN JAPANESE)

(IN GERMAN)

Coordinates, 1-3-0-5...

I knew it,
I knew it, I knew it!

That's a Japanese
Nakajima Type 97,

or I'm a bigger
dummy than he is.

(RIFLE CLICKS)

(IN JAPANESE)

Oh, my God, I'm hit.
I'm hit!

(LAUGHS)

Look at him burn!

(IN JAPANESE)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Oh, my God.
It's a P-40 Tomahawk.
It's one of ours.

Mayday!

Mayday! Mayday!

(MACHINE GUNS FIRING)

Hiya, doll.

Oh, God. No!

(EXCLAIMS)

That's my kind of girl.
It's the end of the line, kid.

No more games.

(CLANGING)

Oh, God!

(SCREAMING)

Put me down!

(SCREAMING)

BETTY: Wally!

Wally!
Betty.

Let's get this heap
turned around now!
Left! Now!

Wally!

(BETTY SCREAMING)

Let's go!
Come on, let's move! Move!

You know, I can't
beat you in a fair fight.

Stupid, I don't fight fair.

Neither do I.

(GRUNTS)

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Hiya, doll.

Follow that girl!

(SOBBING)

SOLDIER: Bring that back!

(SCREAMING)

Wally?

Wally.

(AIRPLANE SHRIEKING)

Hold on.

Oh...

My.
God.

(EXCLAIMING)

Whoa!

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

KELSO: Okay, God damn it!

Ah! Oh! Hmm!

(MUTTERING)

I think he's gonna jump.

Geronimo! A-ha!

Whoa!

Made it!

(LAUGHS)

Huh? Oh.

(MOANS)

(CREAKING)

(SCREAMS)

It's coming down!

(CROWD SCREAMING)

My plane.

I lost my plane.

My... Sub! Jap sub!

Jap sub!

WALLY: Hold on, mister.
We'll get you out
of here in a second.

Listen, kid.
What?

You gotta get that sub.

What sub?
The Jap sub.

Where?

In the ocean, lame-o.

Offshore, near some
goddamn amusement park.

The Japs are
at Pacific Ocean
Amusement Park?

Oh, my God, Wally,
that's right next door
to my parents' house.

Kid.

You gotta sink that sub.

FOLEY: Come on, Sarge.
Come on, now.
Sarge, come on, now.

That's it, Sarge. Come on.
We got a nice pad
for that head of yours.

That's it, Sarge. Come on.
We'll go in the tank.

We'll have a drink, Sarge.
We'll talk.

(KELSO LAUGHING)

Real Japs?

No, wooden Japs, cheetah.

What do you think?
Get me out of here.

SOLDIER: Move it. Move it.

What the hell is that?

It appears to be
an airplane, sir.

We tried to hold
the block, sir.

The plane broke
through our perimeter.

Head down Hollywood
Boulevard to Highland.

Take Highland to Pico.
Take Pico to...

Your mama was
home when you left.

The cat was home
when you left.

Your dad was home
when you left.

The dog was home
when you left.

Sound off. Sound off.
FOLEY: One, two.

Wait, Sarge.
Wait for me, Sarge.
I'm coming, sir.

What's that?

It appears to be
a large Negro, sir.

What's that?

A salesman.
A businessman.

Accountant.
A lawyer.

I'll grease your face
with those treads,
you punk bastard.

That?
A corporal.

Stretch, I love you!

Soldier, are you
the pilot of that plane?

Yes, sir.
Captain Wild Bill Kelso,

United States
Army Air Corps, sir.

I'm proud to report
that I'm the first American

to shoot down a Jap plane
over the continental
United States.

You shot down a Jap plane?

Yes, sir.

A Mitsubishi Zero, sir.

Got back some of
that scrap metal
we sold them, sir.

Blew the living hell
out of him right
into the Stone Age.

Sir, we just got
a report that a plane

went down in
the La Brea Tar Pits.

That's him.
That's gotta be the one.
I told you I shot him down.

Is that a Jap plane, Sergeant?

They don't know, sir.

What do you mean
they don't know?

Of course it was a Jap plane.

You don't think I'd shoot down
one of our own, do you?

I'm not so sure.

The plane's not
important, sir.

What's important is
the submarine. The sub.

Submarine?
Shot down a Jap sub, too.

No, sir.
I could have, though.

I had him in my sights.
I had that bastard
right where I wanted him,

but I caught it
in the radiator.
He's still out there!

What about that plane?
There must be a pilot.

That is the craziest
son of a bitch I ever saw.

How many more like him
do you think are up there?

(SHOUTING)

Aw, look. A baby wolf.

Where?

Gus, you can get
into anything. Open up
this ammunition.

Yes, sir.
Stevie, round up
the neighbors.

I'm gonna need help
getting this gun

over to where I can
get a clear shot.

Macey, stay close.
Yes, sir.

That nice soldier told you
not to touch the ordnance.

Don't you think you
should call the army?

The army doesn't
know what they're doing.
I can handle this.

Get back in the house, Joan.

(STAMMERING)
Ward, you're
acting like Errol Flynn.

Joan, damn it. Shut up!

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

I just remembered.

I got two guys stuck
on top of the Ferris wheel.

Somebody's gotta
get them down.

Macey, get on your bike,
get over to the
amusement pier.

Dad, I gotta watch
you sink the sub.

That's an order, son.
Yes, sir.

Look, kid, this is the key
to the control box
in the Ferris wheel.

I know, I know, I know.
Don't touch anything
red or silver.

Yeah, I know. Right.
Only blue.

Okay, everybody, over here.
Get on this gun.
We gotta move it over there.

We're sinking
a Japanese sub tonight.

The cat was home
when you left.

The dog was home
when you left.

There's Officer Miller.

That's the guy that
sent me up the river.

Those sons of Nippon
are comin' up the beach
right now.

Miller!
Look at me!

Miller! Don't you
know it's a blackout?
Turn out your lights!

How'd you like that?
I like it just fine.

Are you sure
you wanna go
through with this, Ward?

Okay. Now, a little of this...

Watch it.
(EXCLAIMING)

All right.

There. There.
Got him right in my sight.

(GASPS)

I don't think you're
gonna hit him, Ward.

(GUNS FIRING)

(MAN MUTTERS)

I can't believe it.
Why aren't they shooting back?

They can't see us,
that's why.

(IN GERMAN)

(IN JAPANESE)

(GASPS)

Do not push
a clip of ammunition
into the feed rollers here.

(CAR HORN BLARING)

(SCATTING)

Oh, honey, I saw
that movie. Watch this.

Going my way, sister?

Son of a bitch stole my tank.

First he gets egg
on my uniform,

then he steals my girl,
then he steals my tank.

That's the tank
I sent to get that sub.

Yeah.

Near some amusement park.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

You know where it is?

Yeah, sure.

Get in.

Come on. Go. Go.
Go. God damn it!
MAXINE: Let's go.

(LAUGHING)

Turn right.
Go ahead. Turn right here.

(LAUGHING)

I'm a bug.

(IMITATES BUG BUZZING)

(BULLET RICOCHETING)

(SOLDIERS SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(IN GERMAN)

(IN JAPANESE)

(IN GERMAN)

(SCREAMING)

You should never pull
this hand-operating
lever to the rear.

Let's get out of here!

Do not restore the lever
to the firing position.

Do not make sure
that this cover is
completely closed.

(WHIMPERING)

(SALUTING IN GERMAN)

(SALUTING IN JAPANESE)

(IN JAPANESE ACCENT)
Lots of luck.

And never, ever,
under any circumstances,

should you disperse...

Never, ever,
under any circumstances...

(WHIMPERS)

Foot trigger.

Whoa!

(GASPING)

(SCREAMING)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

I think about $150
to $200 will fix that.

Did it get them?
Did it get them?

Close, Ward. Close.

Let's get this back out there.
I'll blast them again.

All right.

(MAXINE SINGING)

Great, we're lost.
Where the hell is it?

By the ocean.

The ocean? That's left.

No, straight. Right.
Straight?

Right or straight?

I said straight, God damn it!

Sayonara, sucker.
What are you doing?

(YELLS)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Geronimo!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

(SINGING)
Who's got the last laugh now?

(SITARSKI SCREAMING)

Hey, quit rocking the car.

Yeah, quit rocking the car.

Shut up.
I wasn't rocking it.

(GUN FIRING)

Hey. Hey, you guys.
I'm supposed to get you down.

Thank Christ.

It rolls easy once it
gets started. Just kiss it.

(WOMAN SHOUTING IN ITALIAN)
Don't worry, Ward.
Gentle as a baby.

(YELLING)

There goes Dad.

WARD: Watch out.

(SCREAMING)

Open the door!

(SHOUTING IN JAPANESE)

Dad.

You're gonna
wreck the whole house.

Boys,
go upstairs to your room.

Don't come down
until I call you.

You're ruining Christmas.

Lining it up.

(EXCLAIMS)

Too much.
You wrecked the stairs!

Which one do I pull?

The one on the right.
No, the one on the left.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Coming back.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Now I've got them.

Ward Douglas, don't you dare
fire that gun in this house!

(YELLING)

Boy, that was fun.

Wow.

(MITAMURA COMMANDING
IN JAPANESE)

"Warning! Do not

"turn on

"switch."

Yeah.

(CALLIOPE PLAYING
CARNIVAL MUSIC)

Oh, my God.
That's the wrong switch.

Turn off those lights,
you little asshole!

(IN JAPANESE ACCENT)

Oh, my God.

Trapped like beavers.

(IN JAPANESE)

Hollywood.

Hollywood.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Give us this day,
our daily bread,
and deliver us from evil.

And please don't let me
go to the same place he goes.

Oh, my God.

(SCREAMING)

MACEY: I can't...
I can't stop it!

(SCREAMING)

(FERRIS WHEEL CREAKING)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(ALL CHEERING)

Goodbye, Hollywood!

Hey, are you okay?
Is he all right?

Boy, that was fun.
Can we do it again?

You wanna do it again?
Yeah, I wanna do it again.

You really wanna do it again?

(YELLING)

(LOUD CLANG)

I blew the exhaust manifold.

There's the ocean.
Hang a right.

Who cares about the ocean,
Wally?
Right here.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Get it off me.

Hey, hey, hey.
Get in the back of the tank.

(SCREAMS)

Wait for me.

Betty.
Macey.

How's Mom and Dad?

They're fine.

Who knows how
to load this gun?

He does.

(SCREAMING)

(IN JAPANESE)

Give me that. Give me that.
Give me that. Give me that.

All right. Get it.

(SOLDIERS EXCLAIMING
IN JAPANESE)

What's that?

Here, hold this.

Now, Sarge,
what is the loading
and firing procedure

for the 75-millimeter cannon?

There are five
basic components...

This is it, pay attention.

...to the new General Motors
electric refrigerator.

What?
One, a Freon compressor.

What?
Two, the Freon tube.

No, no. Sarge.
Three, the power transformer.

No, Sarge.
Four...

KELSO: Geronimo!

(MITAMURA SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Whoa! It's turning.
Look, it's pointing this way!

(MITAMURA SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Torpedo!

Torpedo!

(SCREAMS)

(ALL YELLING)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(LAUGHING)

Blackout. Blackout.
Douse those street lights.

(MACHINE GUN FIRING)

Kill that theater marquee.

(IN JAPANESE)

(SQUEAKING)

(GRUNTING)

I made it.
It's me, you yellow bastards.

Come on.
It's me, Wild Bill Kelso!

(GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

I know you're in there,
you yellow-bellied
zipperheads.

(YELLING)
(SQUEAKING)

Wally, did we get them?

I think so.
She's going down.

All right. Hey!
Where are you?

Oh, Geronimo!

All right.
My name is Wild Bill Kelso.

And don't you... Shoot.

All right,
turn this tub around.

You're taking me to Tokyo.

Anybody got a light?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

RADIO NEWSCASTER:
Roaring out of
a brilliant blue western sky,

(WHISTLING)

foreign aircraft, flying both
in large formation and singly,

flew over Southern
California last night

and drew heavy barrages
of anti-aircraft fire,

the first ever to
sound over United States

continental soil
against an enemy invader.

No bombs were
reported dropped.

Shortly before 10:00 p.m.,
the police reported

that an airplane
had been shot down
into the La Brea Tar Pits.

(SNORING)

In other parts of the city,

fifth column acts were
reported during the air raid.

Mysterious lights were spotted
in many locales.

(CAR APPROACHING)

In the Tarzana hills,
Burbank police

saw a string of
lights in a "V" form,

pointing toward
the Lockheed aircraft plant.

OFFICER:
All right, fall in the yard.
Fall in the yard, men!

Foley, Jones, Reese,
Hinshaw. Ten-hut!

...and immediately,
army searchlights
shot into the sky.

Sergeant, what happened here?

Sir, while suppressing
a riot on Hollywood Boulevard

last night with our tank,

I was struck unconscious.

My men, however, received
a report about a Japanese sub

off the Santa Monica Pier
from a downed Army
Air Corps captain.

They responded immediately,
went to the objective,

and at about 2300 hours,
they engaged the enemy.

Damage?

The Japanese sunk
both our tank
and the Ferris wheel, sir.

I think we hit the sub.
I saw it go down.

You see, sir, I...

Donna. Donna. Donna.
Not now. Not now.

DONNA: Oh, honey.

And my girlfriend
was there, because...

Well, there was
this wild man there...

Son, is this a long story?

Yes, sir.
Then save it.

Sir, I'd like to
say something.

We've been through
a lot, all of us.

We faced the enemy
for the first time last night,

right in our own backyards,

and we came together,

put our differences aside
and carried on in
the true spirit of America.

I think no matter
what happens,

what sacrifices
we have to face,

we can carry forward
like Americans.

While we're doing
our repairs here,

I'm going to hang this
wreath on my front door.

This symbol of Christmas,
this symbol of peace.

I just want to remind us all
that we're not going to let

a bunch of
treacherous enemy killjoys
ruin our Christmas.

(RUMBLING)

(GASPING)

Boy, that's great.

(JOAN WHIMPERING)

What?

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

You got any tanks on
the Burma Road, sir?

I'm just
a motor pool sergeant,
but I'm a great mechanic, sir.

You know, this year wasn't
the big year of the war, '41.

I think the really big
year is gonna be 1942.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Let go of me.

It's gonna be a long war.

FOLEY: Let me go. Let me go.

(SCREAMING)

Open the door!

(YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMING IN JAPANESE)

(LAUGHING)

That is the craziest
son of a bitch I ever saw.

(SCREAMING)

Torpedo!

I heard it on
that radio there.

(GUN FIRING)

(SCREAMING)

DUMMY:
Jesus Christ, it's a sub.
Look, you guys, a Jap sub.

You know, I can't
beat you in a fair fight.

(SCREAMING)

Back. Back.

Sergeant?
Sir, they're
rioting in the streets.

Whoa!

Let's get out of here!

Hi, Stretch!

Close, Ward. Close.

Hell, that reminds me.

Kill them cockroaches
back there in that flour sack.

Look at that!

There goes Dad.

Kill a few Krauts for me, huh?
(CHUCKLES)