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1
00:00:15,447 --> 00:00:17,692
Go, kids.
2
00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:29,805
Whoa!
3
00:01:32,213 --> 00:01:35,048
Thank you.
4
00:01:36,273 --> 00:01:37,273
Good to see ya.
5
00:01:37,343 --> 00:01:39,878
Good to see ya.
6
00:01:40,818 --> 00:01:42,505
Thank you. Wow.
7
00:01:42,584 --> 00:01:43,584
Oh, my goodness.
8
00:01:43,763 --> 00:01:45,931
Okay, thank you so much.
Oh!
9
00:01:46,328 --> 00:01:47,833
Whoa!
10
00:01:47,867 --> 00:01:48,736
Wow.
11
00:01:48,797 --> 00:01:50,065
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
12
00:01:50,099 --> 00:01:50,990
I am Jordan Peele.
13
00:01:51,050 --> 00:01:52,159
And we are Key and Peele.
14
00:01:52,189 --> 00:01:53,789
Thanks for coming out.
15
00:01:56,577 --> 00:01:58,578
- Well, we're glad to be back.
- Yeah, glad to be back.
16
00:01:58,612 --> 00:01:59,812
It's the beginning
of the third season.
17
00:01:59,846 --> 00:02:02,007
And we're happy to be back.
18
00:02:02,516 --> 00:02:04,317
Thank you very much.
19
00:02:04,351 --> 00:02:06,018
- A lot has happened...
- Yes.
20
00:02:06,052 --> 00:02:07,420
over the year
that we've been gone.
21
00:02:07,454 --> 00:02:08,721
We had to respond
to some of the things
22
00:02:08,755 --> 00:02:10,022
that are happening out there.
23
00:02:10,056 --> 00:02:12,291
I think... you know, race
is really polarizing...
24
00:02:12,326 --> 00:02:13,659
- Yes, it... mm-hmm.
- in this country.
25
00:02:13,694 --> 00:02:16,662
we... and we, you know...
we visit race ourselves
26
00:02:16,802 --> 00:02:18,736
a couple of times,
you know, here and there.
27
00:02:18,770 --> 00:02:19,770
And sometimes what we'll do
28
00:02:19,826 --> 00:02:22,076
is we find ourselves
encountering
29
00:02:22,089 --> 00:02:24,124
older African American fans.
30
00:02:24,137 --> 00:02:26,805
And what's funny is
the spectrum of fandom is easy.
31
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,841
if you're a 12-year-old and
you're a fan of Key and Peele
32
00:02:28,875 --> 00:02:31,210
this is what usually happens:
33
00:02:31,245 --> 00:02:32,445
You just love it.
34
00:02:32,479 --> 00:02:34,146
But if you are...
if you're 62 years old
35
00:02:34,159 --> 00:02:35,260
and you're a fan
of Key and Peele,
36
00:02:35,315 --> 00:02:36,945
it's like, "All right."
37
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,722
Hey. Hey.
38
00:02:42,756 --> 00:02:44,590
- This gentleman...
- It's him right there.
39
00:02:44,625 --> 00:02:45,566
"Hey, man.
40
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:46,916
"I'm enjoying the program,
young man.
41
00:02:47,349 --> 00:02:48,550
"Tread lightly."
42
00:02:48,584 --> 00:02:50,124
"Tread lightly."
43
00:02:50,930 --> 00:02:53,266
The older you are, the more
you have to say to us.
44
00:02:53,300 --> 00:02:55,234
It's like the conversation
just doesn't end.
45
00:02:55,269 --> 00:02:56,502
- Yeah, yeah.
- All right, thank you, sir.
46
00:02:56,536 --> 00:02:57,670
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for watching.
47
00:02:57,704 --> 00:02:58,704
Good to see you, man.
all right.
48
00:02:58,739 --> 00:02:59,972
I'm surprised you watch.
49
00:03:00,006 --> 00:03:00,973
Hey, keep doing
what you're doing though.
50
00:03:01,007 --> 00:03:01,871
Will do.
all right, man.
51
00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:03,415
Okay, young buck, keep doing
what you're doing.
52
00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:04,916
- Thank you, man.
- Don't let it stop now, man.
53
00:03:04,951 --> 00:03:06,356
- Keep your thang up. okay?
- You got it.
54
00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:07,205
But just remember,
55
00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:08,187
you ain't on thin ice,
brother,
56
00:03:08,263 --> 00:03:08,951
but you're on ice.
57
00:03:09,012 --> 00:03:09,979
- All right.
- Okay.
58
00:03:10,013 --> 00:03:12,003
Just make sure
you keep it going.
59
00:03:12,038 --> 00:03:13,939
- I got you.
- All right.
60
00:03:13,973 --> 00:03:16,023
But you know, we got an...
an opportunity.
61
00:03:16,055 --> 00:03:18,691
- All right.
- Lots of people.
62
00:03:18,725 --> 00:03:19,707
You're still talking to me?
63
00:03:19,724 --> 00:03:21,706
You're standing on the shoulders
of a lot of people.
64
00:03:21,762 --> 00:03:23,829
- We're still talking?
- Stay responsible.
65
00:03:23,863 --> 00:03:25,631
- All right.
- Whatever you do, man.
66
00:03:25,666 --> 00:03:27,300
Make sure you're
staying responsible.
67
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:28,611
It's not...
68
00:03:28,611 --> 00:03:30,035
I ain't trying to shut you down.
69
00:03:30,069 --> 00:03:31,103
- It's not even...
- I want you to have
70
00:03:31,137 --> 00:03:32,838
- your creative freedom.
- Oh!
71
00:03:35,074 --> 00:03:36,208
That's good.
72
00:03:36,242 --> 00:03:39,345
We, um... we wanted
to take this opportunity
73
00:03:39,404 --> 00:03:40,734
to apologize,
74
00:03:41,339 --> 00:03:44,417
just to everybody
named "Aaron."
75
00:03:44,451 --> 00:03:47,252
Although, you know, if you're
a white dude named Aaron,
76
00:03:47,287 --> 00:03:50,527
and you went to school, and they
started calling you "A.A. Ron..."
77
00:03:51,325 --> 00:03:53,808
kind of the coolest thing
that's ever happened to you.
78
00:03:56,738 --> 00:03:58,572
All right, we're gonna take
a little roll here.
79
00:03:58,731 --> 00:04:01,333
- Jay Quellin.
- Here.
80
00:04:01,535 --> 00:04:04,670
- You are present?
Balakay.
81
00:04:04,705 --> 00:04:06,772
- Uh, here.
- Uh-huh.
82
00:04:06,807 --> 00:04:08,674
- Dee-Nice.
- Here.
83
00:04:08,709 --> 00:04:10,309
Good.
84
00:04:10,344 --> 00:04:12,211
Jay-Seeka.
85
00:04:12,245 --> 00:04:14,647
Thank you.
86
00:04:14,681 --> 00:04:16,048
Mr. Garvey?
87
00:04:16,082 --> 00:04:18,584
What is it, A.A. Ron?
88
00:04:18,618 --> 00:04:21,787
Some of us need to leave
a few minutes early today.
89
00:04:22,361 --> 00:04:23,828
Oh.
90
00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:27,200
- Oh, is that so?
- Mm-hmm.
91
00:04:27,361 --> 00:04:29,843
And what pray tell...
92
00:04:31,118 --> 00:04:34,840
is the reason for
this premature exodus?
93
00:04:35,838 --> 00:04:37,633
Yearbook photos.
94
00:04:37,906 --> 00:04:40,485
Um, we have to leave
15 minutes early
95
00:04:40,540 --> 00:04:42,107
to meet up with our clubs.
96
00:04:42,141 --> 00:04:44,577
Okay.
97
00:04:44,611 --> 00:04:45,711
All right, you know what?
98
00:04:45,746 --> 00:04:48,381
That might work
with other substitute teachers,
99
00:04:48,415 --> 00:04:50,148
but I taught
in the inner city
100
00:04:50,183 --> 00:04:52,005
for over 20 years.
101
00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:55,358
Now, y'all wanna
leave my class early
102
00:04:55,454 --> 00:04:58,956
so y'all can go meet up
at "the club."
103
00:04:59,158 --> 00:05:01,560
Ain't none of y'all
old enough
104
00:05:01,595 --> 00:05:03,962
to go to the damn club!
105
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,031
Ridiculous.
106
00:05:06,888 --> 00:05:10,636
- Mr. Garvey?
- Dumb son of a bitch!
107
00:05:10,670 --> 00:05:13,238
Did I
st-st-st-st-st-stutter?
108
00:05:13,273 --> 00:05:15,073
Just then, yes.
109
00:05:15,486 --> 00:05:18,256
I'm gonna throw you out
the goddamn window!
110
00:05:19,575 --> 00:05:20,646
What, Jay Quellin?
111
00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,681
Mr. Garvey, we're...
we're telling the truth.
112
00:05:22,716 --> 00:05:24,349
We... we have clubs
at the school.
113
00:05:24,384 --> 00:05:26,184
We have clubs
for special interests.
114
00:05:26,219 --> 00:05:29,121
Okay, I see.
so y'all wanna play.
115
00:05:29,155 --> 00:05:30,255
Y'all wanna play.
116
00:05:30,290 --> 00:05:31,990
Yeah, okay,
we gonna play little games.
117
00:05:32,465 --> 00:05:34,226
Fine. I'll play.
118
00:05:34,260 --> 00:05:36,711
I'm more than happy to play
some games with y'all.
119
00:05:36,723 --> 00:05:40,293
Anyone who's in a club...
stand your ass up.
120
00:05:41,968 --> 00:05:44,770
Uh-huh. Oh, yeah,
there it is, there it is.
121
00:05:44,805 --> 00:05:46,939
The usual suspects.
122
00:05:46,973 --> 00:05:49,900
What the hell club
are you in, Jay Quellin?
123
00:05:50,563 --> 00:05:52,010
Future leaders
of America.
124
00:05:52,045 --> 00:05:55,047
Okay, okay.
125
00:05:55,081 --> 00:05:58,250
How would you know
if you're gonna be a leader
126
00:05:58,284 --> 00:05:59,552
in the future?
127
00:05:59,921 --> 00:06:03,021
Is there a stargate
in your bedroom?
128
00:06:03,056 --> 00:06:05,390
Can you travel through time,
Jay Quellin?
129
00:06:05,425 --> 00:06:07,693
- No.
- Then sit the flip down!
130
00:06:07,937 --> 00:06:09,471
Balakay, I...
Here's the thing.
131
00:06:09,482 --> 00:06:11,831
I don't even know why
I'm about to ask you this.
132
00:06:11,865 --> 00:06:14,867
Balakay,
what club are you in?
133
00:06:14,901 --> 00:06:16,502
Um, part of the Spanish club.
134
00:06:16,536 --> 00:06:18,971
Span... the Sp...
you about as Spanish
135
00:06:19,005 --> 00:06:20,439
as Reeon Seacrest,
136
00:06:20,474 --> 00:06:22,725
with your big-ass
Fraggle Rock hair!
137
00:06:24,301 --> 00:06:25,601
How 'bout you, Dee-Nice?
138
00:06:25,825 --> 00:06:27,364
I'm in the Chess club.
139
00:06:28,615 --> 00:06:30,516
Uh, I'm sorry, sweetheart,
140
00:06:30,550 --> 00:06:33,652
you are not
in the Chest club.
141
00:06:33,687 --> 00:06:35,626
The "Mosquito Bite club,"
maybe.
142
00:06:35,660 --> 00:06:38,762
- Ah, that's hurtful.
- Truthful.
143
00:06:39,643 --> 00:06:40,993
There he is.
144
00:06:41,027 --> 00:06:43,829
- A.A. Ron...
- Hey.
145
00:06:43,864 --> 00:06:46,532
What club are you in?
146
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,577
I'm the president of the Glee club.
Why did I talk?
147
00:06:49,644 --> 00:06:52,179
The Glee club?
Aah!
148
00:06:52,405 --> 00:06:54,673
Like they gonna have
a club
149
00:06:54,708 --> 00:06:57,576
dedicated to a TV show!
150
00:06:57,611 --> 00:07:00,178
Take your ass to
Oh-Shag-Henessy's office
151
00:07:00,213 --> 00:07:02,882
right now,
before I bust a club
152
00:07:02,916 --> 00:07:04,683
- up in your butt!
- Okay.
153
00:07:04,718 --> 00:07:06,819
- Go!
- Okay, I'm gonna go.
154
00:07:07,324 --> 00:07:09,121
Mischievous and deceitful!
155
00:07:09,134 --> 00:07:11,225
Chicanerous and deplorable.
156
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,386
This is Principal O'Shaughnessy.
157
00:07:13,527 --> 00:07:15,494
Students, please report
to the gymnasium
158
00:07:15,529 --> 00:07:17,496
- for your club photos.
- Fake announcement.
159
00:07:17,531 --> 00:07:21,500
Now, does anybody in here
have a valid reason
160
00:07:21,535 --> 00:07:24,003
for leaving this classroom?
Tym-Oh-Thee.
161
00:07:24,037 --> 00:07:26,005
- I gotta pick up my daughter.
- You're excused.
162
00:07:29,759 --> 00:07:31,260
Yo, yo, yo, what up,
what up, what up?
163
00:07:31,294 --> 00:07:33,295
Welcome to Battle Rap,
where we're gonna battle rap
164
00:07:33,330 --> 00:07:35,197
every day in the month of
February, y'all.
165
00:07:35,232 --> 00:07:37,066
Yo, I'm your host,
Big Peep-Paroo!
166
00:07:37,100 --> 00:07:38,600
- R-r-r-roo!
- That's right, that's right,
167
00:07:38,635 --> 00:07:40,669
that's right, that's right.
To my left, we got the champion.
168
00:07:40,703 --> 00:07:42,304
Yo, introduce, son!
- Yeah, what's happenin'?
169
00:07:42,339 --> 00:07:45,074
This your boy, Rhino D,
and I'm about to fronthand...
170
00:07:45,108 --> 00:07:46,642
backhand his ass
off the mic!
171
00:07:46,676 --> 00:07:48,077
That's right, that's right,
that's right.
172
00:07:48,111 --> 00:07:49,578
And on my right,
we got the challenger.
173
00:07:49,612 --> 00:07:50,846
- Introduce yourself, playa.
- Yeah, what's up, man?
174
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:52,281
I'm Diller Killer,
in the house.
175
00:07:52,315 --> 00:07:55,251
100 USDA pure meat.
no filler right here, dawg.
176
00:07:55,285 --> 00:07:57,186
- Hoo! Hoo!
- Okay, okay.
177
00:07:57,220 --> 00:07:58,987
Yo, Diller lost the toss,
so you go first.
178
00:07:59,022 --> 00:08:00,689
Okay, gentlemen,
battle rap!
179
00:08:00,723 --> 00:08:02,058
All right, yeah, man.
Now, here we go.
180
00:08:02,092 --> 00:08:04,060
You're shook, son.
I'm gonna eat you for breakfast.
181
00:08:04,094 --> 00:08:05,461
- 'cause I'm a cook, son.
- Ha ha!
182
00:08:05,495 --> 00:08:07,896
I stole a cop-a-feel
from your girl's breasteses!
183
00:08:07,931 --> 00:08:09,098
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
184
00:08:10,833 --> 00:08:12,268
Wait a minute.
Get back.
185
00:08:14,104 --> 00:08:15,793
He don't even know, man.
Hey, listen, man.
186
00:08:15,820 --> 00:08:18,254
You can't even win
this 100-yard dash,
187
00:08:18,288 --> 00:08:19,622
but let me ask you
a question.
188
00:08:19,683 --> 00:08:21,732
What do they call that,
a moustache?
189
00:08:21,744 --> 00:08:23,812
Ohh...
190
00:08:25,882 --> 00:08:27,550
Aaaah!
191
00:08:27,584 --> 00:08:29,218
- Aah!
- No, man, see...
192
00:08:29,252 --> 00:08:31,920
Relax, man. Hey, I need you
to relax a little bit.
193
00:08:33,056 --> 00:08:34,457
Take it down
a little bit.
194
00:08:34,491 --> 00:08:36,592
- Ahhhhhh...
- What the [bleep] you doin'?
195
00:08:36,626 --> 00:08:39,595
I'm telling you, take... can you
take it down a little bit, man?
196
00:08:41,098 --> 00:08:42,510
Come on, what are you,
a horse?
197
00:08:43,366 --> 00:08:46,750
- Aaaah!
- That's the last one.
198
00:08:46,912 --> 00:08:48,822
Yo, what's up, dawg?
You know, my [bleep] is rich.
199
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,188
I'm swimmin' in simoleons.
200
00:08:50,273 --> 00:08:52,674
What am I supposed to do with
this miniature black Napoleon?
201
00:08:54,511 --> 00:08:55,877
Yeah, all right.
202
00:08:55,912 --> 00:08:57,413
Yo! Hey, man.
203
00:08:57,447 --> 00:08:59,548
Hey, dawg,
get your... hey, hey!
204
00:08:59,583 --> 00:09:01,817
Now... come on, now.
don't get my eyes wet.
205
00:09:01,851 --> 00:09:03,085
Hey, hey, get your boy...
206
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,087
- Waaaaaah!
- Yo, I'm sorry.
207
00:09:05,122 --> 00:09:06,522
Look at that. Look at this.
Look at this.
208
00:09:06,556 --> 00:09:08,890
Look at it. Look at it.
Oh, oh, yeah.
209
00:09:08,925 --> 00:09:10,659
Go get it, now.
that's a boy. Oh.
210
00:09:10,693 --> 00:09:12,661
Yeah, man! Here we go!
Yeah, man, look at that chain
211
00:09:12,695 --> 00:09:14,563
and these fake-ass
Timberlands.
212
00:09:14,598 --> 00:09:16,432
- Aaaaaahhh...
- Oh, man!
213
00:09:16,466 --> 00:09:18,567
I'm sorry.
No, you're okay, man.
214
00:09:18,602 --> 00:09:20,536
I'm sorry.
I really apologize.
215
00:09:20,570 --> 00:09:21,870
Yo, man.
What's wrong with him, man?
216
00:09:21,904 --> 00:09:23,986
Hey, hey!
Remember... no, no, hey!
217
00:09:24,010 --> 00:09:27,510
Aaaaaahhh...
218
00:09:27,544 --> 00:09:29,445
- Ahh ahh!
- Why are you doing me?
219
00:09:29,479 --> 00:09:30,779
- Aaaaahh!
- Why would you... listen.
220
00:09:30,813 --> 00:09:34,016
- Aaaah!
- No. No, no, no. Come on.
221
00:09:34,050 --> 00:09:37,486
- Aaaahh!
- Shh. Shh. Shh.
222
00:09:37,521 --> 00:09:38,754
All right,
you guys gotta go, man.
223
00:09:38,788 --> 00:09:40,189
- No, come on, man.
- No, man.
224
00:09:40,223 --> 00:09:42,691
No, you're all done, man.
You got to go.
225
00:09:42,725 --> 00:09:44,293
That's right, man.
Yo, we got a champion still.
226
00:09:44,327 --> 00:09:45,461
We got a champion still
right here.
227
00:09:45,495 --> 00:09:46,828
Hey, what's happenin'?
228
00:09:46,863 --> 00:09:48,930
Yeah! That's what's up.
That's your boy...
229
00:09:48,965 --> 00:09:50,533
- Aaaaaahh...
- Just...give me the hat!
230
00:09:50,567 --> 00:09:51,634
- Hey, man...
- Give it up!
231
00:09:53,570 --> 00:09:54,637
Gimme that [bleep] hat!
232
00:09:58,708 --> 00:10:00,842
Listen.
Listen... listen, man.
233
00:10:00,877 --> 00:10:03,078
I want you to look out
on the lake, man.
234
00:10:03,112 --> 00:10:05,747
I just want you to look out
and imagine a place, man,
235
00:10:05,782 --> 00:10:06,915
where you can do
your thing, man.
236
00:10:06,949 --> 00:10:07,784
Hooooo...
237
00:10:07,796 --> 00:10:09,786
Where you and I could go
and do our thing,
238
00:10:09,786 --> 00:10:12,246
- but never have to forfeit, yeah!
- Yahh.
239
00:10:12,293 --> 00:10:14,156
You could scream and shout
and shove people
240
00:10:14,191 --> 00:10:16,292
back and forth, but we don't
never have to quit.
241
00:10:16,326 --> 00:10:17,893
- Aaaah!
- But look out on the lake, man.
242
00:10:17,927 --> 00:10:19,995
Look out on the lake.
243
00:10:20,029 --> 00:10:22,298
No matter what happens, man,
I start rappin'.
244
00:10:22,332 --> 00:10:23,299
Hwah!
245
00:10:23,333 --> 00:10:24,800
And my rhymes,
they start to flow.
246
00:10:24,834 --> 00:10:26,669
And I'm turnin' the tide.
247
00:10:26,703 --> 00:10:28,737
And no matter what you do,
you can push and shove
248
00:10:28,771 --> 00:10:30,939
and scream, but we'll never
get disqualified.
249
00:10:30,973 --> 00:10:32,675
Laa laa laa!
250
00:10:32,709 --> 00:10:34,176
Ah ha ha ha!
251
00:10:34,211 --> 00:10:37,580
Yeah, yeah, ooh! Ha-ha!
252
00:10:37,614 --> 00:10:39,515
Man, for good measure, while
you're looking at the lake,
253
00:10:39,549 --> 00:10:41,584
just give me
one more good "Aaaahh."
254
00:10:41,618 --> 00:10:42,784
Aaaah...
255
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:51,627
You know what'd be great,
is if there were
256
00:10:51,661 --> 00:10:53,929
other occupations
that had hype men in them.
257
00:10:53,963 --> 00:10:55,097
- Yeah.
- Like, you know what I mean?
258
00:10:55,131 --> 00:10:56,865
Like if a lawyer had
a hype man.
259
00:10:56,899 --> 00:10:58,200
I think that would be great.
- Yeah, that would...
260
00:10:58,235 --> 00:10:59,201
That would really
spice up
261
00:10:59,236 --> 00:11:01,136
the proceedings
in the courtroom.
262
00:11:01,170 --> 00:11:05,040
- Your honor, I object.
- Oh, ho ho!
263
00:11:05,074 --> 00:11:07,443
Oh, he objects!
264
00:11:07,477 --> 00:11:10,346
He objects!
265
00:11:10,380 --> 00:11:13,682
Not only is the prosecution
being argumentative...
266
00:11:13,717 --> 00:11:15,651
Oh ho ho!
267
00:11:15,685 --> 00:11:18,687
This [bleep] is argumentative!
268
00:11:22,225 --> 00:11:24,560
This next sketch
is definitely going to get...
269
00:11:24,594 --> 00:11:26,862
If you are a guy, it's going
to get you in trouble
270
00:11:26,896 --> 00:11:28,631
right now... there's only
one way to say it.
271
00:11:28,665 --> 00:11:32,434
So we recommend that you
either leave the room,
272
00:11:32,469 --> 00:11:33,469
turn off the TV...
273
00:11:33,503 --> 00:11:35,137
- Or play it coo...
play it cool.
274
00:11:35,171 --> 00:11:37,706
- Yeah, play it cool.
- Just play it cool.
275
00:11:37,741 --> 00:11:38,940
No, you're gonna want
to watch it
276
00:11:38,975 --> 00:11:40,075
and maybe... maybe get...
277
00:11:40,109 --> 00:11:42,077
somehow get your lady
out of the room.
278
00:11:42,111 --> 00:11:43,845
No, gentlemen, I would suggest
you take a diamond ring...
279
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,482
- If you have one laying around.
- of a significant...
280
00:11:46,516 --> 00:11:50,218
- of a significant carat.
- Oh, yes.
281
00:11:50,253 --> 00:11:51,553
And just chuck it
out a window.
282
00:11:51,588 --> 00:11:52,588
Just throw it.
283
00:11:52,622 --> 00:11:54,055
As far as you think
you need to.
284
00:11:54,090 --> 00:11:56,492
And she'll go,
"What the... what you doin'?"
285
00:11:59,596 --> 00:12:02,464
Hey, girl, I'm home.
286
00:12:02,499 --> 00:12:03,932
Hey, boo.
how you doing?
287
00:12:03,966 --> 00:12:06,368
- Good.
- How was work?
288
00:12:06,403 --> 00:12:07,636
Sucked.
289
00:12:07,671 --> 00:12:10,205
Aww. Can I ask you
a quick question?
290
00:12:10,239 --> 00:12:11,607
Yeah, sure.
What up?
291
00:12:11,641 --> 00:12:14,042
I've just been noticing
that every time
292
00:12:14,076 --> 00:12:16,779
I leave to go out, the next time
I open the computer,
293
00:12:16,813 --> 00:12:19,615
the browser history's
been cleared.
294
00:12:19,649 --> 00:12:22,418
Hmm. That's weird.
295
00:12:22,452 --> 00:12:23,686
Yesterday,
i went food shopping
296
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,253
for, like, 15 minutes.
297
00:12:25,288 --> 00:12:27,022
I used the computer before
I went to the store,
298
00:12:27,056 --> 00:12:29,525
and when I came back,
my history was gone,
299
00:12:29,559 --> 00:12:32,260
the cache was cleared,
and the cookies had been reset.
300
00:12:32,295 --> 00:12:35,030
Hmm.
301
00:12:37,434 --> 00:12:40,268
Well, I think sometimes
the computer runs
302
00:12:40,303 --> 00:12:42,037
an automatic software update,
303
00:12:42,071 --> 00:12:44,906
so maybe that just kind of
clears the history.
304
00:12:44,941 --> 00:12:47,275
Yeah, except when you update
the software,
305
00:12:47,310 --> 00:12:49,445
a little window pops up,
and you click "OK,"
306
00:12:49,479 --> 00:12:51,780
and then it gets installed,
so...
307
00:12:51,815 --> 00:12:53,982
- Mm-mm.
- Hmm.
308
00:12:56,419 --> 00:12:58,153
I don't know, maybe there's
something wrong
309
00:12:58,187 --> 00:12:59,788
with the computer,
you know?
310
00:12:59,823 --> 00:13:01,390
And it's just
one of those things,
311
00:13:01,424 --> 00:13:03,158
whenever it gets interrupted
from the power source,
312
00:13:03,192 --> 00:13:06,497
it has to reboot, and it just
totally wipes out the history.
313
00:13:08,762 --> 00:13:11,467
Be honest, babe.
it's porn, right?
314
00:13:11,501 --> 00:13:14,169
Porn?
315
00:13:14,203 --> 00:13:16,405
What's...
oh, pornography?
316
00:13:16,439 --> 00:13:17,673
No.
317
00:13:17,707 --> 00:13:19,307
It's okay
if you look at porn.
318
00:13:19,342 --> 00:13:21,744
I assumed you did anyways.
I mean, every guy does.
319
00:13:21,778 --> 00:13:22,978
I'm perfectly okay
with that,
320
00:13:23,012 --> 00:13:25,152
and long as it's not
that weird stuff.
321
00:13:26,449 --> 00:13:29,217
Oh... All right.
322
00:13:29,252 --> 00:13:30,952
Well, I mean,
kinky's okay.
323
00:13:30,987 --> 00:13:32,488
I like kinky.
324
00:13:32,522 --> 00:13:35,657
As long as it's not
that sick, twisted S&M stuff.
325
00:13:39,128 --> 00:13:41,864
Wow. Um...
326
00:13:41,898 --> 00:13:44,032
Okay, I'm not gonna judge
your journey.
327
00:13:44,066 --> 00:13:45,467
It is your fantasy.
328
00:13:45,476 --> 00:13:48,107
Just as long as you aren't
looking at women who...
329
00:13:49,539 --> 00:13:51,172
Not women?
330
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:53,609
Wow! Okay.
331
00:13:53,924 --> 00:13:56,826
Men? Chicks with dicks?
332
00:13:56,875 --> 00:14:00,103
Horses?
Worse than horses?
333
00:14:00,948 --> 00:14:02,382
Wow.
334
00:14:02,519 --> 00:14:05,253
Baby, gimme
a little credit.
335
00:14:05,288 --> 00:14:06,722
None of that matters.
336
00:14:06,756 --> 00:14:08,557
The only thing that matters
that when we're doing it,
337
00:14:08,617 --> 00:14:10,368
I'm thinking about you...
338
00:14:10,693 --> 00:14:13,161
And you're thinking
about me. Right?
339
00:14:15,665 --> 00:14:16,632
Right, baby?
340
00:14:24,721 --> 00:14:27,681
You guys, uh,
you guys know the film...
341
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:29,818
the film musical
Les Mis, right?
342
00:14:29,852 --> 00:14:32,454
- People have seen that?
- It came out kinda recently.
343
00:14:32,489 --> 00:14:34,823
We just know that
so many girlfriends
344
00:14:34,857 --> 00:14:36,858
got their guy to see it
by just being, like,
345
00:14:36,892 --> 00:14:39,153
Hey, your boy Wolverine
is in there.
346
00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:44,266
Wha... no. No, he ain't.
He ain't in there.
347
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,034
- Yes, he is.
- Wolverine ain't in no Les Mis.
348
00:14:46,068 --> 00:14:47,902
Your boy Wolverine.
Ta-ching. Ta-ching.
349
00:14:47,937 --> 00:14:51,273
That's your boy.
He in there.
350
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:52,774
- He ain't in there.
- He is in there.
351
00:14:52,808 --> 00:14:54,343
- He ain't in there, though.
- Yes, he is.
352
00:14:54,697 --> 00:14:57,052
- Who else in it?
- Gladiator.
353
00:14:57,086 --> 00:14:58,687
- Hell no.
- Yes.
354
00:14:58,695 --> 00:15:00,128
That's your boy.
355
00:15:00,135 --> 00:15:02,170
Maximus is in the movie.
356
00:15:02,205 --> 00:15:03,272
You ain't tryin'
to trick me?
357
00:15:03,282 --> 00:15:05,120
I ain't tryin'
to trick you.
358
00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:07,189
- Well, let's go, then.
- Let's go.
359
00:15:07,223 --> 00:15:11,860
Ah, man, she's just... he's
like, "Oh, man, come on. What?
360
00:15:11,894 --> 00:15:13,629
- That ain't Wolverine.
- That's Wolverine.
361
00:15:13,663 --> 00:15:15,365
- That ain't Wolverine, though.
- That's Wolverine, though.
362
00:15:15,387 --> 00:15:16,865
- That ain't Wolverine, though.
- Yes, it is.
363
00:15:16,899 --> 00:15:18,700
- No, that ain't Wolverine.
- No, that's your man.
364
00:15:18,734 --> 00:15:20,269
That's your man.
That's your dawg.
365
00:15:20,303 --> 00:15:22,137
And, look, there Catwoman
up on this bitch.
366
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:23,672
- Catwoman?
- That's for you.
367
00:15:23,706 --> 00:15:25,574
I did this for you.
368
00:15:25,608 --> 00:15:28,777
I come to the movies
for you.
369
00:15:41,291 --> 00:15:44,226
♪ One at a time ♪
370
00:15:44,361 --> 00:15:46,952
♪ I put men like you ♪
371
00:15:47,116 --> 00:15:50,714
♪ Behind bars every day ♪
372
00:15:51,847 --> 00:15:54,401
♪ One at a time ♪
373
00:15:54,407 --> 00:15:58,973
♪ Legateaux,
you may take my years ♪
374
00:15:59,355 --> 00:16:03,346
♪ But cannot lock
my soul away ♪
375
00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:06,948
♪ All the years
I had to run ♪
376
00:16:06,982 --> 00:16:08,016
♪ I chased you
through the years ♪
377
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:09,818
♪ So long ago it all begun ♪
378
00:16:09,852 --> 00:16:11,520
♪ Now your journey's
at an end ♪
379
00:16:11,554 --> 00:16:13,088
♪ In the shadows
on my shame ♪
380
00:16:13,122 --> 00:16:14,122
♪ You will pay
for what you've done ♪
381
00:16:14,156 --> 00:16:15,657
♪ But was I ever to blame? ♪
382
00:16:15,692 --> 00:16:17,092
♪ Death will be
your only friend ♪
383
00:16:17,126 --> 00:16:18,627
♪ Do I let
this fight end now? ♪
384
00:16:18,661 --> 00:16:19,928
♪ Do not interrupt me ♪
385
00:16:19,962 --> 00:16:21,630
♪ Just to end
this life of pain ♪
386
00:16:21,664 --> 00:16:22,931
♪ Let me finish
what I need to say ♪
387
00:16:22,965 --> 00:16:24,299
♪ Will the end
be welcome now? ♪
388
00:16:24,334 --> 00:16:25,400
♪ Fine, I'll let you
finish first ♪
389
00:16:25,435 --> 00:16:27,202
♪ Will my journey
be in vain? ♪
390
00:16:27,237 --> 00:16:28,437
♪ Don't let me
get in your way ♪
391
00:16:28,471 --> 00:16:30,372
♪ I only stole
a loaf of bread ♪
392
00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:32,107
- ♪ Are you finished now? ♪
- ♪ All I needed ♪
393
00:16:32,141 --> 00:16:34,309
- ♪ to survive ♪
- ♪ Okay, now it's my turn ♪
394
00:16:34,344 --> 00:16:35,444
♪ If I end up
in your cell ♪
395
00:16:35,478 --> 00:16:36,778
♪ Can we have
some give and take? ♪
396
00:16:36,812 --> 00:16:38,313
♪ Why should I have
stayed alive? ♪
397
00:16:38,348 --> 00:16:39,681
♪ Let me get a word,
at least ♪
398
00:16:39,716 --> 00:16:42,517
♪ Do I tell him
that I love him? ♪
399
00:16:42,552 --> 00:16:45,217
♪ Do I tell him
of his child? ♪
400
00:16:45,229 --> 00:16:47,196
♪ Now, where did this bitch
come from? ♪
401
00:16:47,231 --> 00:16:50,967
- ♪ I have no idea ♪
- ♪ one at a time ♪
402
00:16:51,001 --> 00:16:53,136
♪ Will he ever know
his daughter? ♪
403
00:16:53,148 --> 00:16:54,449
♪ Lady, seriously,
please hang on ♪
404
00:16:54,483 --> 00:16:55,950
♪ Will he recognize
her eyes? ♪
405
00:16:55,962 --> 00:16:57,329
♪ It's hard enough
to talk to him ♪
406
00:16:57,333 --> 00:16:59,234
♪ Did you say my daughter? ♪
407
00:16:59,234 --> 00:17:01,693
- ♪ Yours and mine ♪
- ♪ One at a time ♪
408
00:17:01,693 --> 00:17:03,394
♪ The trumpets
call out freedom ♪
409
00:17:03,406 --> 00:17:04,673
♪ This all has to happen
on the same block? ♪
410
00:17:04,707 --> 00:17:06,074
♪ Let the marching
shake the ground ♪
411
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:07,709
♪ Now this is just a joke ♪
412
00:17:07,744 --> 00:17:11,079
♪ We could solve all these
issues if everyone just spoke ♪
413
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,681
♪ One at a time ♪
414
00:17:12,715 --> 00:17:14,549
♪ Taking what we can, 'cause
things are getting worse ♪
415
00:17:14,584 --> 00:17:17,218
♪ Taking what we can
from every pocket and purse ♪
416
00:17:17,253 --> 00:17:18,253
♪ One at a time ♪
417
00:17:18,288 --> 00:17:20,589
♪ The men have come ♪
418
00:17:20,623 --> 00:17:22,391
♪ Their blood
will spill ♪
419
00:17:22,425 --> 00:17:24,025
♪ One at time ♪
420
00:17:24,059 --> 00:17:25,827
♪ The years
destroyed the man ♪
421
00:17:25,861 --> 00:17:28,497
♪ She knew
before we parted ♪
422
00:17:28,531 --> 00:17:30,832
♪ And when love and war
and blood and glory's ♪
423
00:17:30,866 --> 00:17:32,768
♪ Barracks
have been climbed ♪
424
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:35,537
- ♪ We will die ♪
- ♪ I will love ♪
425
00:17:35,571 --> 00:17:36,871
♪ Years, they pass ♪
426
00:17:36,906 --> 00:17:38,570
Can't we speak?
427
00:17:39,575 --> 00:17:40,875
♪ One ♪
428
00:17:40,910 --> 00:17:43,512
♪ Here we go again,
popping in and out ♪
429
00:17:43,546 --> 00:17:46,281
♪ Don't have much to do
with what this is about ♪
430
00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:47,816
♪ A time ♪
431
00:17:47,850 --> 00:17:51,750
♪ Why are we all
facing the same way? ♪
432
00:17:53,801 --> 00:17:57,390
Is the city on fire?
What's with all the smoke?
433
00:17:59,529 --> 00:18:01,596
Oh, now we're all ears.
434
00:18:01,631 --> 00:18:03,465
Great.
435
00:18:08,109 --> 00:18:10,410
Hello, my fellow Americans.
436
00:18:10,436 --> 00:18:13,217
With me, as always,
is my anger translator, Luther.
437
00:18:13,249 --> 00:18:14,085
Hi!
438
00:18:14,110 --> 00:18:16,285
Now, the first year
of my second term
439
00:18:16,319 --> 00:18:17,353
has been a challenge.
440
00:18:17,387 --> 00:18:19,755
Cluster....[bleep]!
441
00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:22,234
Tonight, I'd like
to address the concerns
442
00:18:22,357 --> 00:18:24,759
of the American people
over what they perceive
443
00:18:24,816 --> 00:18:27,337
as the U.S. government spying
on their digital
444
00:18:27,350 --> 00:18:28,660
and electronic activities.
445
00:18:28,723 --> 00:18:32,159
Man, y'all some deluded,
self-important mother[bleep]
446
00:18:32,211 --> 00:18:33,855
if you think we interested
in your deviant,
447
00:18:33,914 --> 00:18:35,514
porn-watchin' asses!
448
00:18:35,570 --> 00:18:38,205
I can assure you,
the American people,
449
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,620
we are not reading
every individual email.
450
00:18:40,632 --> 00:18:42,666
Rather, we're searching
for key words
451
00:18:42,701 --> 00:18:44,401
that would indicate a threat.
452
00:18:44,413 --> 00:18:45,557
And don't worry,
everybody,
453
00:18:45,635 --> 00:18:47,983
those key words are not
"girl on girl,"
454
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:51,184
"anal", "squirting",
"plopping".
455
00:18:51,287 --> 00:18:53,322
- Hmm. "Plopping"?
456
00:18:53,356 --> 00:18:54,891
What the [bleep]
is "plopping,"
457
00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,392
you dirty mother[bleep]?
458
00:18:56,426 --> 00:18:58,394
These key words
are being used,
459
00:18:58,428 --> 00:18:59,395
amongst other things,
460
00:18:59,429 --> 00:19:00,596
to prevent terrorists
461
00:19:00,631 --> 00:19:02,832
from using weapons
of mass destruction.
462
00:19:02,866 --> 00:19:05,144
Not prevent you
from watching videos
463
00:19:05,221 --> 00:19:06,838
of ass destruction!
464
00:19:06,870 --> 00:19:09,338
Now, these policies
have already foiled
465
00:19:09,372 --> 00:19:11,407
numerous terrorist plots.
466
00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:13,409
These are not the kind of
plots that y'all are used to,
467
00:19:13,443 --> 00:19:14,710
like when a guy
comes in the door
468
00:19:14,745 --> 00:19:16,211
with his penis
in a pizza box,
469
00:19:16,246 --> 00:19:17,647
and a lady sucks on it.
470
00:19:17,681 --> 00:19:19,348
And I assure you
471
00:19:19,382 --> 00:19:20,750
that the country's
gotten safer
472
00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:22,618
since the end
of the Bush era.
473
00:19:22,675 --> 00:19:24,677
And I ain't talkin'
about the president. Boop.
474
00:19:24,776 --> 00:19:28,411
These policies have allowed us
to probe and penetrate...
475
00:19:28,445 --> 00:19:30,413
- I know y'all been probin...
- until the de... No, Luther...
476
00:19:30,708 --> 00:19:32,538
Just, what I'm
trying to say is
477
00:19:32,539 --> 00:19:35,308
that there have been numerous
terrorist cells fingered...
478
00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:36,742
- And you got fingers, you put...
- and that... Luther.
479
00:19:36,821 --> 00:19:38,321
Okay. Luther,
why are you trying
480
00:19:38,333 --> 00:19:40,668
to undermine the president
with your juvenile
481
00:19:40,703 --> 00:19:42,236
sexual innuendo?
482
00:19:42,379 --> 00:19:44,440
The average American
has nothing to fear
483
00:19:44,474 --> 00:19:45,641
from these policies.
484
00:19:45,676 --> 00:19:48,044
Now! If we was
drone-strikin' perverts,
485
00:19:48,078 --> 00:19:49,311
our country would look like
486
00:19:49,345 --> 00:19:51,547
Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome
right about now.
487
00:19:51,582 --> 00:19:54,850
I'm talkin' about
a post-apocalyptic nightmare!
488
00:19:54,885 --> 00:19:56,318
Thank you,
and good night.
489
00:19:56,352 --> 00:19:57,687
Go to sleep, y'all.
490
00:19:58,889 --> 00:20:00,322
- "Plopping"?
- Oh, yes, sir.
491
00:20:00,356 --> 00:20:01,824
That's when...
492
00:20:01,858 --> 00:20:03,960
Oh!
493
00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:06,251
Y'all are some sick
mother[bleep].
494
00:20:15,373 --> 00:20:17,274
Welcome to Metta World News.
495
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Our top story: why are people
always trying to steal my magic?
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In other news,
cat litter can be used
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to blind people
when fighting.
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Interesting.
I didn't know that.
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Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
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for this Wednesday,
February biscuit fountain jerk.
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I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.
502
00:20:39,630 --> 00:20:40,865
Thank you.
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00:20:40,899 --> 00:20:42,766
All right.
all right.
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So now, everybody,
it's time to...
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go straight to your computer
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and google "plopping."
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We're very sorry.
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- We're sorry.
- Uh, good night.
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00:20:52,277 --> 00:20:53,677
- Thank you very much.
- Good night.
510
00:20:53,711 --> 00:20:55,312
Thank you.
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00:20:57,215 --> 00:21:00,184
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
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Oh, yeah.
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