All language subtitles for Black Holes Suck 2026 1080p WEB-DL HEVC x265 BONE

(relaxing music)

(lips smacking)

(indistinct)

- I can't believe I'm doing
this on the first date.

- I can't believe you're single.

You're so hot and, and smart.

And did I mention how hot you are?

- Say it again.

- You're so hot.

(lips smacking)

- I don't usually go for guys like you.

You're such a nice guy.

- Whoa, whoa.

Nice guy?

- Don't worry about it.

Forget about it.

(lips smacking)

Do you wanna get freaky?

- Freaky?

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, yes.

Yes, I wanna get freaky.

- Yeah?

(lips smacking)

Wait right here.

(Missy giggling)
- Okay.

(phone ringing)

- Artemis?

It's happening.

It's finally happening.

- Awesome, dude.

Need any last second pointers?

- What?

No.

No, I'm gonna be fine.

I gotta tell you, buddy.

I think she's the one.

That's great.

Hey, you want me to stay?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I'm gonna be just-

- Ta-da!

(suspenseful music)

What do you think?
(spirited music)

- Cal!

(spirited music)

- Artemis!

Start the car.

Start the car!

Go, go, go, go, go!

- [Missy] Cal, don't leave!

(both screaming)

Go!

- Stop yelling at me!

I'm trying to concentrate.

- No!
(body thuds)

Go!
(Artemis screaming)

(Artemis laughing)

- [Artemis] "Oh, I think
she's the one, Artemis."

(ethereal music)

(car whooshing)

(Cal snoring)

- Okay.

(bright music)

Fuck.

(Cal sighs)

(trimmer buzzing)

Ow!

Fuck.

(bright music continues)

(sighs) Okay.

(bright music continues)

(cars whooshing)

I can't believe that just happened.

- Believe it, dude.

That was one for the history books.

- Missy was nice and funny and smart.

Who'd have thought she'd turned out to be

the freaky pegging type.

- Oh no!

- Come on, Artemis.

You know I'm not into that stuff.

- Why?

Why not?

- Because I'm, I'm...

- A pussy?
- Old fashioned.

- Hi, Cal.

- Hey, Skye.

- You know the rules.

No smoking in a bar.

- Oh, come on.

Nobody cares.

- So, what's going on?

- Well, Cal has no dick-

- Hey!
- Game!

His date tried to peg him last night.

Lucky for him, he's quick on his feet.

- That's not the worst part.

She called me a "Nice guy."

- Ouch.

- What's wrong with that?

I like nice guys.

- Look, you just don't get it.

- I guess not.

- The best way to get over a girl

is to get under a new one.

- Not on this planet.

- Come on, dude.

Just give me Missy's details already.

- What?

Why would I do that?

What are you gonna do
with Missy's details?

- Just asking.

For a friend?

- I'm your only friend.

- Yeah, exactly.

And you need to get over Missy.

Update your DoMe profile and
get your ass back out there.

- Or you could just, you
know, meet girls in real life.

(phone beeps)

(gentle romantic music)

Cal!

What was that about?

- I don't know.

Hey, dude!

(dumpster bangs)
(Cal groans)

Dude, what the hell is wrong?

Thought you were gonna take a shit.

- "We regret to inform you

that we cannot accept
your NASA application."

I knew I aced that interview.

- Fuck NASA.

You know what we'll do?

We'll build our own space programme.

- Our own space programme?

- Yeah!

Once you sold that
black hole formula thing

you've been working on,

we'll find our own planet.

Fill it with hookers and blow

as far as the eye can see.

With you're smarts and my contacts,

the Skye's the limit.

Well, space but you get the point.

- FYI, it's called a
microsingularity, not a black hole.

We don't use black hole.

- Well, whatever, dude.

Look, you'll crack that formula.

You're like the smartest guy I know.

And on that day,

you'll show those bastards
what you're truly made of.

(gentle bright music)

- Thanks, man.

- Hey, you better get back to work.

Somebody's gotta mop the
jizz off the dance floor.

(both laughing)

(computer whirring)

(Cal sighs)

- Well, I guess Artemis can wait

one more day for his
planet of hookers and blow.

(computer whirring)

Blow.

Blow?

(keyboard clacking)
(computer whirring)

(computer beeps)

(laughs) I did it.

I did it.

I better make a backup.

(contemplative music)

(keyboard clacking)

(phone ringing)

- [Artemis] Yo, dude.

- Hey, honey.

I'm just using your cheat drive.

Where are you?

- [Artemis] Uh, maybe don't wait up.

Oh, hey, I left you a little
surprise for you. (laughs)

Now don't go searching the night Skye

for aliens to love, okay?

Later, dude.
(phone beeps)

- Okay, that was weird.

(computer whirring)

(computer beeps)

Fuck it.

Let's see if there really
is anyone out there.

(keyboard clacking)

Now let's boost the signal
with some real power.

Hello, SETI.

(keyboard clacking)

(bright music)

Damn it!

- Artemis, you!
(computer beeps)

I'm in?

I'm in!

All right.

Let's send this message.

(spirited music)

(laser booms)

Oh.

(computer whirring)
(contemplative music)

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

(Cal panting)

Whew!

God.

Glad nothing bad happened.

(siren wailing)
(alarm beeping)

- [Varek] Agent Keys.

You think you can just
waltz in here unnoticed?

Brave, but foolish! (laughs)

Either way, I cannot wait
to see what state secrets

my probulator will reveal.

- Your obsession with probing

is going to backfire on you
one of these days, Varek.

You Reptilians aren't nearly
as smart as you think you are.

- You have been a thorn in my side

for a very long time, Keys.

And despite your efforts to
thwart my plans here on Earth,

you are nothing but
merely just an annoyance.

- Annoyance, huh?

- You do not know when to stop.

- [Megan] Agent Keys, this
is Megan from Space Force.

About that doomsday scenario
that we thought was impossible,

well, it just happened.

Oh, and how is Varek's
interrogation going?

- Shit!
(suspenseful music)

- Guards, guards!!

This isn't over by long shot, Keys.

- Damn it!

It's probing time.

(guards scream)

(ethereal music)

(thunder rumbling)

(sombre music)

(wrist computer beeps)

(teleporter whooshes)

(sombre music continues)

(birds chirping)

(mask beeps, air hisses)

(birds chirping)

(birds chirping)

(device whirring)

(device trills)

(device chimes off)

(footsteps thumping)

(woman speaking in foreign language)

- Oh God, you scared me.

I love your outfit.

(phone camera clicks)

- I'm the princess you're looking for.

(spirited music)

- Mr. President Sir, we have-

- Keys, whatever it is,

it can wait till I have my morning coffee.

(President gulping)

How are things at Space Force, Captain?

Fine, I hope.

- Mr. President Sir, at
0200 hours this morning,

my team detected a security
breach on the SETI network.

Apparently, someone hacked
in and crashed the servers.

- SETI?

Isn't that part of our
global defence grid?

- Yes, Mr. President Sir, it is.

The damage to the defence
grid was catastrophic.

Our only defence against
an alien invasion gone

in a single moment.

- That's not good.

- The only thing we were able
to recover from the crash

was a single image embedded
in an outgoing signal

aimed into deep space.

- Is that the formula the Reptilians

have been trying to secure?

- Yes, Mr. President Sir.

It gets worse.

- Go on.

- At 0400 hours this morning,

our early warning satellites
were just able to pick up

a faint teleportation signature

originating from somewhere deep

within the Reptilian conflict zone.

- And someone sent an operative
to investigate the signal?

- Yes, Mr. President Sir.

And it's a good guess
of who they're after.

- Holy mother of security.

Are you telling me some hippie
potentially has the formula

to spell doom and gloom for all of us

on some moronic dating app?

- Yes, Mr. President Sir.

I had my team take down
the profile immediately,

but we can't stop him from communicating

with anyone else due to the
app's privacy encryption.

- All right, Keys, pick
the hippie up ASAP.

But Keys, keep it quiet.

We can't afford any more leaks.

- Yes, Mr. President Sir.

Right away, sir!

(spirited music)

This is Captain Keys.

I need a Class one extraction unit ASAP.

(lively music)

- [Artemis] Wakey, wakey, sleepy head.

Come on, dude.

(face slaps)
Wake up!

- Oh, I'm up, I'm up.

God.

- Check your DMs.

- Check my...

What did you do?

Do you still have access
to my DoMe account?

- Yeah.

You did something to it last night.

I had to restore it with a backup profile.

But forget about that for now.

Check your DMs.

- "I am the princess you're looking for.

Meet up?"

- I told you to get back out there.

Now look what happened.

Meet the future Mrs. Cal.

- No, no, no, no, no.

This has gotta be fake, right?

- A hot ass babe wants your man meat?

This is exactly what you need right now.

- (sighs) I just...

I don't think I can handle
another Missy episode, okay?

- Look, dude, I got your
back, thick or thin.

What's the worse that could happen?

- (sighs) Okay, all right.

- Yes, yes!

Oh.

All right, let's do this.

- Well, what do I write?

- Anything!

- Okay, uh...

Drinks, drinks, drinks?

"Drinks at 10?

Ah, I'll drop a pin."

- Hey, not bad.

Drop the pin at the bar.

You can get her a free round.

I can watch.

- What, what?

- Nothing.

- Holy shit, she just responded.

- "Perfect, see you there."

- Oh!

See, I told you, dude.

Things are looking up for you now, dude.

(lively music)

- Whoa, where are you
off to looking like that?

- Stand aside.

He's got a date.

- You have a date?

- Yeah.

Actually, while you're both here,

I have something really
exciting to tell you.

Stop!

Anyway, I finally did it.

I solved my formula.

- What formula?

- The microsingularity.

- Oh my God, that's incredible.

Do you have it?

- Uh No, I-

- Enough about that crap!

Get to your table.

- I'll show you later.

- A rose?

Really?

You're totally gonna die of virgin, dude.

Give it, give it!
- No, stop!

- What is this, plastic?

Fine.

Your funeral, dude.

Underage, out!

- (sighs) Asshole.

(footsteps thumping)

- Hey.

Um, I'm sorry your date was a no-show.

- Yeah.

Umm

- Look, my shift is just finishing up.

Do you wanna show me your formula?

- Actually, I think I'd
just rather go home.

- (chuckles) I totally get it.

Um, How about a rain check?

I'll see you tomorrow?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I think I'd like that.

- It's a date then.

Um, well, don't forget
to look up and I'm gonna-

- Okay.

Hey, wait! Umm.

Here.

I don't think it should go to waste.

- Oh.

It's beautiful.

Thank you, Cal.

Well, I should probably-

- Yeah, yeah.

- Night.
- Night.

- What was that with you with Skye?

- Nothing.

- Right.

Why is she leaving early?

- Because I said I'd lock up for her.

Hey, give me a hand.

We can get out of here quicker.

- Fuck that!

Yo, Skye, wait up!

Give me a ride!

Later, dude.

- Great.

Oh God.

Here. Umm

- Star.
- Cal.

- Wow, ahh you look beautiful.

- Thank you.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

This place was challenging to find.

- No, no.

- This is the right place?

- Yeah, yeah. Um.

Sorry, I had to close up early.

- Oh.

- But there's a place
around the corner I know

if you're still interested.

- I'd love that.

Sure, yeah, that sounds great.

- Anyway, I look up,

and he is wading out into the lake,

butt naked, by the way.

You wanna know what he found?

- What was it?

- It was a plastic bag.

And hypothermia.

- Oh God.
(both laughing)

- Oh God.

Those were the good times.

- Artemis sounds like a good friend.

- He's like a brother to me.

We're practically family.

What about you?

Do you, do you have any
family back home or...

- Oh.

Um, well, it's just my father and I now.

This conflict back home
has been really tough,

for my people and I.

But we find the strength to carry on.

You see, I...

I come from a war-torn land

that's been devastated by
constant orbital bombardments.

As a result, it left my
home battered and scarred.

Violent ion storms blot out the sky,

making it virtually impossible
for us to leave our domes.

But um, you know, today was the first time

I actually felt sunlight on my face.

- Star, I'm, I'm, I'm so sorry.

- It's okay. You didn't know.

- This might be a weird question,

but, um, what was it about my profile

that caught your attention?

- Well, if I'm honest, it was the formula

that was displayed on
your computing device

in the background of your profile images.

- Oh, yeah, the formula
for my microsingularity.

So, you're into that stuff?

- Yeah.
(both chuckling)

- That's...

I mean, it's just...

There's only a handful
of people on the planet

that can comprehend
that kind of math, so...

- Well, maybe I'm not from this planet.

- Okay, Ms. Alien dream girl,

so what is so interesting
about my formula?

- Well, I'm embarrassed to admit it,

but ever since I was young,

I've been absolutely obsessed

with singularity vortex dynamics.

- Wow, singularity vortex dynamics.

I didn't even know it was
called that when I was doing it.

That, that is so awesome.

- I am curious, Cal.

How did you solve the instability

caused by the accretion disc?

- Oh, um, I, uh...

I don't know.

No, no, no, it kind of just came to me.

You know, black don't just suck.

They blow.

- Cal, you have to show me it.

- You...

You wanna see my formula?

- I'd love that, if that's okay.

- Check please!

So this is where the magic happens.

You're looking at that
like you understand it.

- Cal, this is incredible.

Your comprehension of
energy transformations

is impressively intuitive,

(chuckles) even if you lack
the basic fundamentals.

- My what?

- Um

- How do I...

- Oh, ah, here.

- Thank you.

Um, Here, let me show you what I mean.

In your assertions,

you assume the singular
flow of matter or energy,

in this case, between two points.

But if you account for
multi-directional flow of energy,

then the equation solves itself.

- How the...

Who are you?

You, you come in here,
you solve my formula,

and you, you talk about theories

that humanity can only imagine.

- Cal, about your work on the singularity,

do you think it's wise?

I mean, harnessing its immense
power is dangerous enough,

but aren't you afraid
that someone might use it

to do you harm?

- Well, yeah, but, I mean, can you imagine

what free, clean, readily
available energy could do for us?

I mean, think of all the people

we could bring out of poverty.

We...

We could feed, clothe, and
shelter all of humanity.

- Or it could be used to destroy you.

- Or defend us.

I mean, either way, it's,

it's gotta be worth the risk.

- Cal, may I see your formula?

- Uh, uh...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um...

Oh shit.

- Are you all right?

- Yeah, I, uh...

I'm, I'm fine.

- Can I be honest with you, Cal?

- Yeah.

- I wasn't quite sure what
to make of you earlier,

but it's been a truly
stimulating encounter.

- Yeah.

God, you're...

You're totally out of this world.

(bright music)

Wait, wait, wait. Um.

Uh, I need to tell you something.

This is kind of my first time.

- You could say this is a first to me too.

- Oh, really?

Wow, that's, that's perfect.

So if either of us are really bad,

then neither of us will know.

- Let's find out.

(lips smacking)

(dog barking)

- Hey.
(Star chuckles)

- Hi.

- So, uh, so that happened, huh?

- I know.

(device beeping)
- What's, what's that?

- Oh, um.

I'm so sorry.

I never wanted it to end like this.

Please know if you remember
anything about tonight,

I wanted this.

I wanted you.

But my mission has to come first.

Sleep.

(ethereal music)
Forget.

(keyboard clacking)

Purge system.
(computer whirring)

(ethereal music)

(brooding music)

(spirited percussive music)

- Speak.

- My Lord, I have something
that will put a smile

on that iridescent face of yours.

After extensive probing,

we have found a traitor in your mist.

- Very extensive.

Always with your probing.

You're sick you know that right, Varek?

- Why, thank you.

Flattery will get you everything, my dear.

As I was saying,

it was your Nibiruan pet, my Lord.

To think that you took her in

and gave her a seat at your throne.

Such ungratefulness.

(brooding music)

(bones cracking)

Moving on to business then.

Regarding the Andromedans,

they have agreed to a
30% increase in slave tax

for the mere pleasure of existing.

- Can I devour half of them?

- You can devour me, my Lord.

- And you can devour both of us.

- No, my Lord.

We have signed a treaty.

- Not even...

- My sole reason for existing.

Any more questions in
regarding this matter

will only lead me to disappoint you.

And you know how much I hate
to disappoint you, my Lord.

That is all the proceedings
for the day, my Lord.

- Finally.

Let me show you my...

Why are you still here?

I told you I'm not going
to let you probe us again.

- Ah.

- He was just leaving.

- We have word, my Lord.

- Word from whom?

- I cannot say in front of such company.

- But you promised.

- I know, but you'll have to wait.

- Come on, girls, let's go.

I'll remember this.

- Please do.

- It better be good, Varek.

You know how the girls get
when they need attention.

- Indeed, my Lord.

But such news could not wait.

- Of news from our agent?

- Not just any news, my Lord.

- The formula?

- Yes.

- Where?

- On Earth.

Serendipitously by your
daughter, I might add.

- We can't let the formula

fall into the hands of the Nibiruans,

let alone the humans.

Inform my daughter to
continue her mission,

to give her all the
resources she need at once.

(pensive music)

Ready my Dreadnaught!

- Indeed, my Lord.

I will see to it straight away.

- It's time to claim my destiny.

(pensive music)

(phone buzzing)

- [Skye] Hey, it's me.

You're late for your shift.

Are you okay?

You know you can tell me anything, right?

Um, call me when you get this, please?

I'm worried about you.

Okay, bye.

- Skye?

Oh fuck.

Dude, where you've been?

- I'm sorry, man.

I must have slept past my alarm. It's...

(sharp high pitched ring)

(pensive music)
Oh fuck.

- Are you okay?

- (groans) I'm fine.

- Give me the formula.

- What formula?

- Hey, hey, dude, what's your problem?

- Let the Dick Weed go.

- Keys.

(bones cracking)

- She's hot.

- She's ah, she's scary.

- I like it.
- Waited a long time for this.

(gun bangs)

- Amateur.

Who brings a knife to a gunfight?

(gun bangs)

- Do you smell rainbows?

(gun bangs)

Oh yeah.

That's the spot.(giggles)

(thud)

- Whoa, whoa.

Wait, wait, wait.

I don't know what you're looking for.

I-
(gun bangs)

(thud)

- Fucking simps.

- Fucking fascist.

- What did you say?

- Agent Keys, some decorum, please.

- I'm sorry.

What's this all about?

We have rights, you know?

You can't just kidnap us.

- I'm the President of the
United States of America.

By definition, I don't kidnap.

- Look, sir...

Mr. President, if this is about SETI, I-

- SETI?

We'll get to that in a moment.

But for now, this has
nothing to do with that.

- And everything to do
with the partial formula

you uploaded to outer fucking space

the other night, you fucktard!

- Mr. President, I don't know
anything about any formula or-

- What do you know about
Nibiru and the Beta Reticuli?

- Uh, Nibiru is supposedly the 10th planet

in our solar system.

The Beta, whatever's...

I don't know.

I've never heard of them before.

- Listen closely, and
don't let this information

leave this room.

The Nibiru and the Beta Reticulans

have been locked in a brutal
conflict for millennia.

- The Nibiruans are highly
advanced, peaceful people.

They've been visiting us
since the dawn of time.

- Awesome.

So that show on "Ancient
Aliens" was real after all.

Who'd have thunk?

- Permission to shoot the
moron, Mr. President Sir.

- Wait.

So, hold on.

You're telling us that aliens exist.

Like aliens from outer space aliens?

- No.

From north of the fucking border.

Of course from outer space.

- As for the Beta Reticulan,

they're carnivorous Reptilian species

hell bent on galactic domination.

The shapeshifting
abilities of their agents

makes them virtually impossible to detect.

- According to our intelligence,

the Beta Reticulans have been
obsessively pursuing formulas,

such as yours, for some time.

We're almost certain it revolves

around stabilising a
microsingularity just long enough

for them to directly
teleport it to their target.

- Wait, they wanna bomb Nibiru
with a microsingularity?

Well, don't they know that'll just destroy

our whole solar system?

- That's exactly right.

Despite Earth's neutrality,

we've been inexorably linked into this war

because of your actions.

Have you had contact with
any strange individuals

in the past 24 hours?

- Well, there was that date
that was at no-show last night.

- Dude, what date?

- Dude.

The date.

The future Mrs. Cal.

- Dude, I haven't been on a date since...

- Just what I thought.

He's been mind wiped.

(President sighs)

- That's good news.

- Uh, sorry.

How is Cal being roofied good news?

Did you touch him?

- What other contact have you
had with any other agents?

- I, I don't...

I don't-
- Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait.

So what you're saying is
Cal's date is an alien agent

who wants to steal his
formula to blow up a planet?

Dude, why would a hottie
like Star do that?

- Star.

- Star.

Star.

I remember now.

I, uh...

I solved the formula, that's right.

And I was trying to tell you,

but I, I, I, I couldn't remember.

- That was Planetary Defence.

The emperor's Dreadnaught was
spotted exiting hyper speed

just outside our galaxy.

- He must be after Star.

We must find her and bring
her in along with the formula.

- Have Planetary Defence
reposition the orbital satellites

to scan from Nibiruan DNA

and have Space Force
Tactical pick her up ASAP.

- Thumb drive!

I saved my formula to
the thumb drive at home.

- Mr. President Sir, request that we-

- Go!

I'll look after Star.

You take these two with you.

Find that thumb drive!

- You heard the President.

Move!

- Well, it was truly an honour

to meet you, Mr. President Sir.

And I totally would've
voted for you too, you know?

If I wasn't a convicted felon at all.

- Move it!
(spirited music)

(space ship booms)

Get looking.

Move it.

- Behave.

Keys, what were you
saying earlier about Star?

What's the big deal with-

- Nothing, forget about her.

Do you actually do any work on this

or is it just used for games night?

- What the hell?

My work!

Shit, my computer.

Ugh

(keyboard clacking)

- Damn it, she's bricked.

- Oh, stop moping and keep
looking for the thumb drive.

- Hey, easy with that.

That's my stuff, you know?

- Including this?

- What, no.

- I'm keeping this, for evidence.

- By all means.

If that's what you need
to get off, good for you.

- Oh, don't give me that shit.

I'm not the one who might
cause the end of the world

because of his tiny formula.

- How was I supposed to know
that she was a shapeshifter?

- Beta Reticulans are the
shapeshifters, not Nibiruans.

Especially the princess of Nibiru.

- Whatever.

Wait, she's a princess?

- You listen to me, you little shit stain.

It's nice guys like you
that ruin everything.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Do you know how many
times I've had to clean up

after some simp for
divulging state secrets

to some stripper or camgirl

because they can't control themselves?

- You know, you're one cranky lady.

I bet you if you had a
real man in your life,

instead of all those nice guys,

you would be way more chill.

- You think you're man enough for me?

Is that it?

- Um...

- Well, here's your
chance to prove me wrong.

(lips smacking)

Not bad.

For a nice guy.

(slap)

- Nice.

- Cal?

(gun cocks)
- Get on the ground, now!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey.

Put the gun down.
- You have three seconds.

- This is Skye.

She's a friend.

Please!

- Get back to work.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

What's that all about?

- Don't worry about it.

I'll tell you about it later.

- Um, here.

You dropped this.

- Thanks, Skye.

I, uh, I appreciate it.

- Ooh, that looks like it hurts.

- Ow!

- Come on, let's get that checked out.

- Stop it.

- I'm a nice guy.

- I told you to put that
out, shit for brains!

- What are you and your little
friend gonna do about it?

- So what's the goal with
you and GI Jane over there?

- Nothing. She's a total asshole

- Does this have anything
to do with your formula?

- Ow!

- I'm so sorry.

- No, it's fine.

Look, the less I say, the safer you'll be.

Okay?

- So you're protecting me now?

Is this what this about?

- Look, apparently, my
formulary is just too dangerous

to let fall into the wrong hands.

I just want someone to like me for me.

- Look, I'm sure the right girl

will appear right when you need her.

See, that's much better.

Don't.

Only if you really mean to.

(gentle spirited music)

(lips smacking)

(sharp high pitch ring)

(Cal groans)

What is it?

- I don't think I can do this.

- What?

- I'm in love with someone else.

I'm sorry.

- I see.

- No wait, Skye. Don't

(sharp high pitch ring)

Ow!

- Cal.

- I remember it.

I remember everything.

The formula.

I saved my formula to his thumb

drive the one with the cheat codes.

- Artemis?

You saying Artemis had the
formula this whole time?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

How incredible.

(ominous music)

Skye?

- Thank you, Cal, but I no
longer have a need of you.

(Cal gagging)

(body thuds)

Fucking pathetic.

- So, Keys, Which one of these
will put you in the mood?

- I don't have moods.

(ominous music)
(footsteps thumping)

(Skye grunts)

(Artemis gagging)

- Thumb drive.

Give it to me.

(Artemis panting)

Move.

You are coming with me.

- Okay, fine.

But I'm faking this.

Now where do you want it?

Ugh

- I said move!

- What are we doing here?

- You'll see.

Move!

- Yeah, yeah.

I'm going, I'm going.

Woah.

Always wondered what was in here.

- If you actually did any work here,

this wouldn't be a surprise.

(space ship zooming)

(footsteps thumping)

(computer beeping)

- So, you're one of those

shapeshifting Beta thingies, aren't you?

(computer beeping)

About Cal.

- Relax, he's fine.

Like I said, I have no more use for him

now that I have this.

- You're totally into
him for real, aren't you?

- I'm a Reptilian, a higher species.

We don't have emotions.

- Bullshit.

It's the only reason Cal's still alive,

and you and I both know it.

You know what I think?

- This will be good.

- I think you being here on Earth

has affected you more than you realise.

- You're delusional.

- Ugh!

I'm the delusional one?

Ha, yeah, right.

You know, there's something I don't get.

Keys said you were
looking for the formula,

but we've known you for years now.

- Ugh!

If you must know, we have many
operatives looking at people

of interest all over the galaxy.

I just happened to score big with Cal now

that he's completed his formula.

Now, any more questions,

or you're through being stupid?

- It was you, wasn't it?

You're the reason Cal never got into NASA?

- Aw.

If only you showed this
much initiative at work.

(Cal gasps)

(Cal coughs)

- Keys.

(teleport chimes)

Star.

- She's fine.

She's just out.

She'll come around any moment.

Are you okay?

I came as soon as I saw you're in trouble.

- Saw?

- My hair clip.

I left it behind in
case you somehow managed

to, like, subconsciously remember
where you hid the formula.

What I can't quite fathom

is how you were able to
remember anything at all.

I'm sorry.

Cal, it was for your own protection.

I had to put my mission first.

- By violating my mind and my body?

Did you even care about me

or did you only care about my work?

- How can you say that?

Of course I care about you.

I had to choose between my
feelings for you and trillions.

I'm trying to save my people.

- Artemis.

Where's Artemis?

(Agent Keys groaning)

- Your bitch girlfriend took him with her.

- What?

Why would Skye do that?

- For a midnight snack?

- That better be a joke.

- Why are you naked?

- Because I'm...

It doesn't matter.

(footsteps thumping)

- What do I do?

- Go.

(footsteps thumping)

- Cal!

Cal!

I didn't mean for anyone else
to get caught up in this.

- Forget it.

Where are they now?

- I don't know.

If she has the formula, there's no telling

when she'll be able to
deploy the singularity.

It would have to be somewhere close by.

Somewhere she could spend time

building her teleporter
away from prying eyes.

Cal, about last night.

I just wanted to-

- You don't need to say anything.

I felt it too.

You weren't kidding when you said

you shared your soul with me.

I could feel every inch of you,

every thought, every emotion.

- As did I.

I have no idea our species
would be compatible like that.

But I'm glad we are.

And it pleases me deeply to know

that you can remember it as well.

(door opening)

- The Black Hole.

Keys.

Skye took Artemis to the Black Hole.

- Are you sure?

- I'm positive.

She would work nights, she would close.

It's the perfect place for her
to do what she needs to do.

- This is Keys.

I need a tactical team immediately.

Authorization unicorn,
cherry, echo, one, niner.

- I am really sorry.

If I'd have just listened to you,

we wouldn't be in this kind of danger.

- It's not your fault.

You're not the one with
the finger on the button.

Besides, we're not out
of the fight just yet.

- Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm ready to end this.

The Black Hole is only
like five minutes away.

Come on.

- Wait!

I can teleport us.

(device whirring)

- What's wrong?

- There's a teleportation dampening field

surrounding the bar.

- What does that mean?

- It means it's definitely her.

- All right.

My car's outside.

Let's go.

- Halt!

You two aren't going anywhere.

Backups on the way

to deal with the situation
at the Black Hole.

- Well, we don't have time for this.

You heard Star.
- I don't care.

Orders say we stay put
until the area is secure.

- Artemis is in there with that monster

that I called a friend.

You can stay here, but I'm going in.

- And I have orders that say otherwise.

- Come on, Keys.

You and I both know that's the wrong play.

We're gonna be dust by
the time that your team

gets their boots on.

We can stop this now.

- Orders are orders.

- Who are you?

Are you some nice guy

or are you a fucking
badass from Space Force?

- You're a dangerous man.

You know that?

- I'm a genius, apparently.

- Lucky for you, I have my
tactical outfit in the trunk.

Let's go.

(spirited music)

(computer beeping)

- [Artemis] What exactly
does this thing do?

(computer alarms)

- Go ahead.

- [Emperor] Daughter, report.

- My Emperor, the
teleportarium is up and running

and I have the formula.

- [Emperor] Excellent.

Commence primary ignition sequence!

- Commencing the microsingularity
ignition sequence.

(machine whirring)

- Whoa.

- Sequence complete.

Uploading the formula.

- I wouldn't do that if I were you.

- Touch me again,

and you're going to lose
more than just a hand.

- Hey, don't say I didn't warn you.

(computer beeping)

(computer whirring)

- The formula worked.

The singularity is stable.

- [Emperor] Excellent worked, Daughter.

Prepare for my arrival.

- Yes, My Emperor.

Now, I think it's time
for a midnight snack.

(hisses)

- Uh-oh.

(crickets chirping)

- Just enter in the Nuke Code

when you're ready, Mr. President.

- Any word on Keys's tactical team?

- They're still putting their boots on.

I'm afraid they won't get their on time.

(President sighs)

(President slurping)

(President continues slurping)

(computer beeps)

(computer beeping)

(computer beeping)

(computer whirring)

- Well, that was underwhelming.

- Sorry, Mr. President.

But with the SETI radio tower still down,

we can't get a lock on the Dreadnaught.

(President sighs)

- Damn you, hippie!

(spirited music)

(gun bangs)

- Area secured.

Move out!

(suspenseful music)

Come on!

- Holy shit.

Ah!

- You are only making yourself

more tough and stringy from the stress.

Just relax and let it happen.

If you stay still,

I promise to develop your head first

so you don't have to suffer long.

- See, I don't know if that's
supposed to turn me on or...

(Artemis grunting)

(pop)

(Artemis panting)

(meaty slap)

(thud)

Oh.

- Any last requests?

- Ah! Tell Cal to

- Delete my browser history!

(Artemis screams)
- Let the moron go!

- You okay, bud?

- Yeah.

Thank fuck you're here.

She's crazy, man.

She was gonna devour me, head first.

- What?

- Also, she's the one responsible

for you not getting into NASA.

- Skye.

Is this true?

- I had to keep you down any way I could.

A genius like you is far too dangerous

to let succeed at anything.

- Get to the console.

(spirited music)

(singularity grumbles)

- Woah

(computer beeping)

- That's odd.

I thought I just saw a rogue programme

operating in the background.

Ugh!

I can't get in.

It's encrypted.

- Unlock it.

- No.

- I said unlock it, now!

- Ugh, fine.

- Cal, what are you doing?

- I, uh...

I don't know.

- You're lucky you're cute, Cal.

That thing you did to me earlier, well...

- What is she talking about?

- Uh, how, how am I supposed to know?

- Guys, forget about that.

Get the thumb drive.

- Oh, did he give you

the "you're the only one
that made me feel this way"

speech as well?

- Well, he gave me that pretty
little speech earlier today

right before railing me in his bathroom.

- Oh.

Cal!

You didn't smash the Reptilian, did you?

- What?

No!

Nothing happened.

- You're lucky girl, Princess.

Cal's good.

The kind of good you get from
lots and lots of practise.

- But I thought I was your first.

I...

- Whoa, ladies, there has
been no first with Cal.

Trust me.

No woman has come close to
touching him or his thingy.

- Well, actually, Star and I,

the other night, we-

- What?

Star and Skye?

You old dog.

Look at you go.

You had me worried there for a second.

- Daddy, Daddy, help, their-

- Nice try, sister,

but this is where you get off.

(ominous music)

(electric crackling)

- Who the hell are these guys?

- Varek!

- Keys.

So very good to see you.

- Daddy, Daddy.

They're the ones being mean to me.

They're trying to stop us
from destroying our enemies.

And he touched me!

- Nice knowing you, dude.

- Nobody touches my daughter.

(Cal groans)
(electric crackling)

- [Artemis] Are kidding me?

- Daddy, no.

He should suffer.

- My iridescent one,

Princess Skye is right.

This hairless ape should
suffer for eternity

for his transgression.

But please allow me to kill
his friend in your name.

Keys and I have a
personal score to settle.

(brooding music)

- Fine.

(Cal coughing)

Varek!

- I got your back.

- Artemis, don't!

- I got this.

Hey there, little buddy.

Isn't it past your bedtime

(Artemis groans)
(flesh squelching)

- Star, the singularity!

(gun bangs)

(Keys panting)

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Daughter, secure the princess.

(suspenseful music)

- I can't wait for daddy
to blow up your world.

- No.

(Artemis groaning)

- I've probed bigger
insects than you. (laughs)

- You're, ahh, gonna
shapeshift into a chick

first though right?

(Varek grunts)

- Let go of him!

(Varek grunts)

- I'll deal with you in a moment!

- Got ya!

(Artemis groaning)

(pensive music)

- For aeons I set galaxies
aflame with conquest.

None of it was personal.

But you.

Your friends and your
insignificant little planet,

I'm going to enjoy watching you all burn

for touching my daughter.

- You and Cal are gonna
make excellent pets.

- I see right through you, Skye.

I see the way you look at Cal.

You're just mad 'cause he loves me

and never love a monstrosity like you.

You're just a sad, sad little
girl throwing a tantrum

because she can't get her own way.

- Well, tantrum.

I'll show you a tantrum.

I'm gonna rip your face
off and wear it as a mask.

- Ha! That's the only
way he'll ever love you.

(Skye grunts)

(Star groans)
(body thuds)

- Consider this your
first lesson in obedience.

(Artemis groaning)

- Keys.

(Varek laughing laughing)

- No, no!

(flesh squelching)

(suspenseful music)

(punch thuds)

- Ow! (groans)

(Cal groans)

(Varek growling)

- Probe this, motherfucker!

(Varek groans)

(gun bangs)

(Keys panting)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Keys, Keys, Keys, Keys.

Stay with me, stay with me.

You're gonna be okay.

You're gonna be okay.

- Space Force.

- Release the asset.

(spirited music)

- You want him?

You can have him.
(Cal groans)

(thud)

(electric crackling)

I'm gonna enjoy this.

(spirited music continues)

(men grunting)

(space force member groans)

(thud)

- I've just about had enough

of your peoples stupidity and brutality.

Take that!
(Skye groans)

Oh my God.

(singularity grumbles)

(computer alarm beeps)

- [Skye] I don't understand.

This shouldn't be happening.

- There it is again.

- Ugh! Where did this
rogue programme come from?

- Ugh, he ruins everything!

- Stop pouting and help.

(singularity errupts)

(Skye and Star groans)

(Emperor grunting)

(Emperor laughs)

(ominous music)

- Daddy.

(Star groans)

You did this!

I'm gonna take everything from you.

(spirited music)

(blade rings)

(Cal groans)

- [Both] No!

- Cal!

- Daddy, why did you do that?

- Enough with this infatuation, daughter.

Is the singularity ready?

- It's holding up, but it's
nowhere near stable enough

to teleport to Nibiru.

- Then it's time to fulfil my destiny.

- No, it will destroy you!

- You've done well, daughter.

The singularity is stable
enough for me to absorb.

Once done, I will ascend to godhood

and the galaxy will tremble before me!

Teleport daughter to the infirmary.

- No!

(ominous music)

(electric crackling)

(singularity rumbles)

- That's impossible!

- You want it?

Take it.

(Emperor screams)

- This isn't over.

I'll have my revenge.

(Keys gasps)

(Keys panting)

(Star groans)

- Cal.

(lips smacking)

I thought I lost you.

- Dude!

What the hell was even that?

How are you still alive?

- I don't know.

I just...

I knew it wouldn't hurt me.

(alarm beeping)

- Guys, I think we should leave.

Now!

(footsteps thumping)

- Fuck.

(footsteps thumping)

(explosion booming)
- Oh Jesus.

- Whoa!

Skye wasn't fucking around, was she?

- That was too close.

- Hey.

Are you okay?

- I'm fine.

But, you heard the Emperor.

He's coming for Nibiru next.

- Star's right.

Here, take this.

Keep it safe.

Go.

- But wait, just a second.

- No!

We don't have time.

You know that.

Your Highness, go!

- Cal-
- Go!

(siren wailing)

(device ringing)

- I need you to update headquarters.

Okay?

Good.

Go.

Okay.

You two are free to go.

- Hey, Keys, about the USB and Star.

- No, don't worry about it.

I didn't mention anything
about the thumb drive

or whatever that was.

- Thanks.

- No problem.

I mean, it's not like it could
go on and explain it in a way

without sounding like a total nutcase.

(both chuckle)

Just keep the formula to yourself

and everyone can go on believing

that you're still under the
effects of the mind wipe.

And then there's you.

The medic said your quick thinking

pretty much saved my life.

- Eh.

You would've done the same for me.

- No.

No, I wouldn't have.

(lips smacking)

Not bad, for a nice guy.

- I hope you're taking notes
'cause that, is how it's done.

- Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

(spirited music)

- On behalf of the people of Earth,

I hereby grant you both

the Congressional Space Medal of Honour

and the Presidential Medal of Freedom

for deeds above and
beyond the call of heroism

in facing certain death, defending Earth.

(Cal applauding)

Sorry, we couldn't do
this at the Oval Office,

but due to the top secret
nature of your heroism,

well, you get my point.

- Thank you, Mr. President Sir.

This is truly an honour.

- Yeah, thanks, dude.

- Do it like I told you.

(Artemis clears throat)

- Thank you, Mr. President Sir.

It is truly an honour, sir.

- Good boy.

(footsteps thumping)

- Uh

- Mr. President Sir,

about that blacklist you put me on.

- You still haven't found
that thumb drive, have you?

- No.

No, no, thumb drive.

Uh...

Well, Mr. President Sir,

I just, I wanted you to know

that I actually voted for you twice.

- Get outta here before
I have Secret Service

arrest you for loitering.

- Yep.

- Damn hippie.

Where's my coffee?

- So, uh, how's life in the Capitol?

- He still smokes too much.

Spit it out.

And what about you?

Things okay back at home?

- (sighs) Well, ever since the Black Hole

was quarantined by Space Force

and me being put on the
President's blacklist

for blowing up SETI,

I've found myself unemployable.

Could be worse.

Beats jail.

- Hey, hey, why don't
you come over our place

for drinks tonight?

- I don't know.

I gotta be out of the
apartment in the morning

and my parents will be
waiting for me, so...

You guys go on.

Have fun.

Hey, any word on Star?

- Okay, fine.

But you didn't hear it from me.

About a week after the
incident at the bar,

we detected the entire
Reptilian fleet sieging Nibiru.

Then there was this massive
blast of energy and nothing.

- Oh God.

- I'm so sorry, Cal.

We just don't know what happened.

We should go.

You're always welcome to
stay with us if you need it.

(lips smacking)

Take care.

- You too, Keys.

- Hey, don't worry about Star.

She's a mega space babe.

The future Mrs. Cal
can look after herself.

She's fine.

- I hope you're right.

- I'm always right.

- You know, it's a pity
we never got to find

that planet of hookers and blow.

- Yeah.

I think I found something better.

(bright music)

I love you, dude.

You know I'll always have your back.

Even if I can't be there to see

it all turn around for you.

(bright music continues)

- Artemis?

(bright music continues)

- Catch you around, dude.

(bright music continues)

(engine dies)

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(engine whirring)

God damn it!

(Cal sighs)

(Cal laughs)

Of course.

Of course.

It's gotta be me.

(contemplative music)

(portal rumbling)

(Cal groans)

Whoa.

- Cal?

- Oh my God.

I didn't think I'd ever see you again.

- I'm so very glad to prove you wrong.

- Okay.

I have so many questions.

First off, what happened after you left?

And how are you here?

How am I here?

Hey, where is here,

and does here have a doctor?

I kind of landed on my coccyx.

- Cal.

Welcome to Nibiru.

(ethereal music)

It's my home world.

Wait, but Keys thought-

- That it had been completely destroyed?

That's exactly what we
wanted everyone to think.

- Woah.

- It's beautiful, isn't it?

- Yeah.

Yeah, she's incredible.

- You are now looking at a civilization

that's powered by clean,
safe, unlimited energy

deriveD from a very special,
very rare microsingularity.

- My formula.

(both chuckling)

Intuitive energy.

I can't believe it works.

(both chuckling)

- Cal, I know things haven't
gone so well for you back home,

and I wanted to show you the
difference you've made here.

It's my gift to you

for all that you've done
for my people and I.

- Wait, wait a second.

How did you hear about
what happened at home?

- Oh, Artemis contacted me.

He said his bro was hurting

and he needed his Mrs. Cal.

Whatever that meant.

He didn't tell you?

- That's what he meant.

No, no.

He did not mention that.

- Oh, well, when you see him next,

could you perhaps ask him how
he managed to get the signal

all the way out here?

- Well, I mean, he's not stupid.

He could probably do it
with like a brick phone,

three sticks of gum and one of Keys' bras.

- Oh. (laughs)

- Um...

- What?

What's wrong?

- Well, I...

I, um...

Well...

- Oh my God, you're not pregnant, are you?

- Oh, cal.
- No, it's okay.

It's okay.

I just...

Is it gonna come out looking like us

or will it have like tentacles

- Cal.
- No, I'm sorry.

I just...

I don't really know how this works.

I mean, I know how this works.

- No, I'm not with child, Cal.

I just have something
very important to ask you.

- Sure.

Fire away.
- You should stay.

- I mean, I mean, despite
our knowledge of the formula,

we only really have a
basic understanding of it.

And with your guidance and
your intuition, you could...

(bright music)

- You know, those were all
fantastic reasons to stay,

but there's another
that I want to stay for.

- Really, really?

- Yeah, yeah.

See there's um...

There's this girl.

- Oh, okay.

- Yeah, tall, blonde, legs for days.

(Star giggling)

I like the way her eyes light
up when she looks at me.

- I love you.

- I know.

I can feel it.

(Star giggling)

(bright music)