All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine S28E05 Will the Nearest Alien Please Come In

Why does Nora think you've a woman
in there? Because I act like someone
who's hiding a woman in the house.

She's not quite sure whether I have
or not, and it's driving her wild.

That's wicked. You can but try.

See if she's in the yard.

She's not. I don't smell
dangerous female, and this nose
is trained for such things.

She'll come out
when she hears this door close.

Wave at my bedroom window
as we pass.

A quick little wave.

Who trained your nose
for dangerous women then?

I don't like to talk about it,
someday I'll show you the scar.

Who was that muffin
in the pub last night?

Well, it was probably me.

No, worse than you.

Kept banging on about alien
visitors, flying saucers.

Oh, that's Kevin,
yes, he comes from Luton,

they tend to see things like that.

I think it's very sad.

Coming from Luton?

No, having these
out of space fixations.

They get so they can't
talk about anything else.

They end up as little green men.

Ah, he's harmless and last night
he came very close to being legless!

He got me in a corner
and I couldn't get away.

So, what did you learn?

That the man's an idiot.

They've all got their good points -
if you look.

He kept asking me what
did I know about the asteroid belt?

I said
I didn't know he was wearing one.

You didn't?!

Yeah, I couldn't resist it.

He's into stealth technology.

He's in search of the silent bicycle.

It's when they're quiet
you know they're up to something.

I like to be able
to hear them, well, DIY.

It's what it was invented for.

They're not much good at it,
but at least you know where they are.

I know where Travis is,
he's always under your feet.

What's your plan for when
he achieves the silent bicycle?

He's wasting his time, I shall
put his squeak straight back in.

You've got to admire his initiative,
that someone of his age
still needs a silent bicycle.

You admire his initiative,

I'll just put his squeak back in.

Glenda?

What?!

That was a very unfriendly "what".

Why are you giving me these
terrible "whats"? What's wrong?

Nothing! Nothing?

Uh-oh...

If it's that bad,

don't you think
we ought to talk about it?

Not necessarily right
at this moment, of course.

"So, if they look like
anybody else," I asked him,
"how do you spot an alien?"

Well, go on, I'm sure this
is something we should all know.

"Lack of emotion," he says,

"They can't smile..."

HE SIGHS

Ye, gods, there's on at the door!

Where's the harm
in oiling a bicycle?

Still eluding you is it,
the silent bicycle?

It's the women, they stare at you
as if you've got some sneaky reason.

That's it, that's the look.

What does a person have to do
to establish his innocence?

In your case he'd have to lie...

And better than he'd usually do.

It stands to reason a person
is going to try
to remove a persistent squeak.

Nobody likes a persistent squeak.

Well, Pearl married YOU, didn't she?

Look on the bright side,

be thankful for all the no-good
you've managed to get up to.

Even with a squeaky bicycle.

And this is called?

Putting the squeak back in.

GRATING SQUEAK

Norman Clegg's house?

Do I look like Norman Clegg's house?

It's that one.
Bit sharp-tongued, aren't we?
I used to have one like you.

Probably more than you deserved then.

You know, I sometimes think the best
defence we've got against aliens

is when they find out
what our women are like.

Alien visitors?!

Oh, you men do read some twaddle.

Twaddle?! They're here already.

Don't laugh,
are you sure the person you're
living with is above suspicion?

Suspicion? Is that all it takes?

By heck, they are here already(!)

I sometimes think Travis
wasn't meant for this planet.

Looks like Norman Clegg's
about to have an alien visitor.

Isn't it wonderful,
the way nature arranges for
the crackpots to find each other.

Check if Nora's still out there.

She looks better from this angle.

Would you go as far as better?

Oh, maybe not.

Here, put this on.

You make a suggestion like that
to a man with his own
Swiss Army pocket knife?

How long have you had that? Ever
since Aunty Wainwright wanted to get
rid of a Swiss Army pocket knife.

You'll be equipped
for every emergency then?

I thought so,
until I got into this wig thing.

Put it on, and give her
a glimpse of it passing the window.

Don't let her see your face,
I don't want anybody thinking
I'm keeping one like you.

I've seen you with worse!

Not in daylight!

And in this incident,
this sheriff's deputy in California

was abducted and taken
to another planet.

In California,
they're all on another planet.

Where he was subjected to a
series of humiliating examinations.

I get one from Pearl regularly.

They removed this bloke's brain!

That's the one.

But they put it back in. You
must have missed that bit, Howard.

See what you get for sneaking away.

And when this deputy got back home,
his wife spotted immediately
that something was different.

Pearl does that too.

That's how you know they care.

It's like going through customs and
immigration every time you get home.

Did the deputy recover?

I mean, I don't want to hear
any more if it ends badly.

He got back, they brought him back.

But he was never the same.

Wife left him.

What happened?

Something characteristically
human had gone. Vanished!

They took his credit cards?

They took his personality,
he came back like a zombie,
no expression, no emotion.

I think I've seen him.

Behind the counter
in the charity shop.

Glenda?

Oh, you are speaking to me then?

I've never not been speaking to you.

You weren't speaking
to me last night. When?

When you were out star-gazing,
when I was lying in a lonely bed

with only the sports section
of the newspaper for company.

You never read the sports section!

And I wouldn't have been reading it
last night, but I'd used the other
pages for wrapping some celery in.

When did we have celery?

We didn't. We haven't had it yet.

Mr Crabtree kindly brought
me some from his garden.

How long has this been going on?

What?

Strangers bringing you celery.

He's not a stranger. He is to me.

You met him at Shirley's wedding.

I don't remember.
No, you won't remember.

You'd be too busy gawping
at the stars, or something.

Oh, it's fascinating, Glenda, when
you realise how big the universe is.

I realise how big
our bed is when you've been
abandoned by your husband!

She always had lovely handbags.

She had a thing about handbags.

She had a thing
about more than that.

Oh, you can't blame her for falling
for him. I could've fallen for him.

I thought you did. I knew it!

You put a bit of make-up on
and a lifetime of unblemished
behaviour goes down the toilet.

Every time he passed the cafe,
you used to go to jelly.

Rubbish. You weren't safe
with a full cup of tea.

I might have found him attractive,
but it didn't go
anywhere near to jelly.

You used to blush.

Have you finished?

And what about you?

Are you telling me
that you've never been to jelly?

If I had, I'd've kept it hidden.

Well, I'll concede that much.

There's nobody hides
going to jelly better than you.

And look what happened to her.
I wonder how many fancy
handbags she's got now.

Maybe twice as many.

Jelly AND handbags. Oh, lucky devil.

Ooh, life can be so unfair.

You're better
with both feet firmly on the floor.

Like you were when you had that
crush on Des Ellis(?) It's a lie.

I deny it.

Anyway,
you're allowed to be stupid at 17.

You were never 17!
You were 40 when you were born.

Going on 50!

So why did your wife leave you?

She never said.

Didn't you ask her?

She was busy. Packing a suitcase!

Yeah. Mine.

She threw YOU out?!

She gave me the bus fare.

Well, where did you go?

Back to Mother.

There you go, you see?
Somebody loved you.

She threw me out, as well.

'Ey up! It's t'overnight express.

And what little goodies
are they carrying today?

Hey, typists' chairs.

Your missus makes a good sandwich.

I'll tell her you said.

The snag in life is, how do you know
these things before you get married?

You take the risk. That's it.

You dive in completely blind.

You stand in church, you say "I do"

without the faintest idea of
what she's gonna do to a sandwich.

Not these days.

They live together
before they get married.

Why didn't I think of that?

I did think of that.

It's just the wife
didn't think of that.

And neither did her mother.

You think that's why
young couples live together?

So they can experiment
to find the perfect sandwich?

Makes sense to me.

Anyway,
I don't believe your wife are
all that bad with packed lunches.

Not now. But for the first two years,
I used to live off things
I could scrounge from my colleague.

Not changed a lot, have yer?

Don't be bitter.

You've opened my eyes
to a whole new range of cuisine.

Opened your mouth a few times, too.

I let you share my lip salve
when it's windy on the moors.

GRATING SQUEAKS

I can't understand it!

I oiled it this morning!

You pay more attention
to that than you do to me.

I'm playing second fiddle
to a squeak.

I think we ought to find somewhere
less public and I'll get
to the bottom of it.

"Less public"?!

We're on a public road!

It's not the M1, Howard.

But there are people who,
if they saw us, wouldn't believe we
came out here just for the view.

There's me, for a start.

Oh, I suppose you're right.

Nobody's likely to see us out here.

And we'd hear
if any vehicle was coming.

DEVICE EMITS ALIEN SOUND EFFECTS

How ingenious!

All that in that little space!

Also plays music.

Not for me. I don't like music.

Oh! I love the romantic composers.

I get quite carried away.

I had uncle like that.
He used to get carried away.

Tchaikovsky?

Whisky.

Can we help?

What have you got on aliens?

Illegal? Outer space.

Extraterrestrial.

Are we alone in the universe?

That kind of thing.

I sometimes feel
that I'm alone in the universe.

It's a mistake for a woman
to be academically bright.

It makes men uneasy.

They prefer bimbos.

I can't do bimbo. I've tried.

I wore a low-cut blouse.

He took me out for a meal,
and I dropped a fork down it.

Have you ever tried surreptitiously
removing a fork from your cleavage?

I'm sure I would have remembered.

And it went straight
down and onto the floor.

I was wearing a skirt that
wasn't big enough to catch it.

A miniskirt is no defence
against a determined fork.

No, I can't do bimbo.

Science fiction is over there.

They're not fiction, lass!

They're flesh and blood!

It might be green,
but it's still blood.

I don't think we have
anything on green blood.

People don't realise,
but they're here already.

They might have been
in this library.

Keen readers, are they?

Intelligent life somewhere
in the universe would be nice.

You'd do well to keep an eye out
for people who show no emotion.

I've had several encounters
with men like that.

That's how you can spot them -
no emotion.

Blank faces. No expression.

Completely nothing there.

Just totally dead. Almost like...

DEVICE EMITS "ALIEN" SOUNDS

What was that?

Typists' chairs. Where are the
typists' chairs? They're coming.

What do you mean, "They're coming"?

There.
Two typists' chairs, hand delivered.

What about the wear and tear?

We're all right.
We feel fine, don't we?

Yeah.

Since he's taken up stargazing,
he won't come to bed.

I come to bed on cloudy nights.

That's nice, isn't it(?)
I'm only available when wet.

What's he doing stargazing when
he works for a building society?

I thought
it was all done with computers.

It's ever since he got
the book from the library.

Do none of you ever wonder
about man's place in the universe?

I often wonder
what place my man's in.

I wish I could get Travis interested
in something other than housework.

Do you realise how much
universe there is up there?

Well, I only hope
you're well wrapped up.

It's no universe for playing
fast and loose with your vest.

Is he stargazing all night?

Oh, I wouldn't have that.

I'm in bed by midnight.

He's like a block of ice.

I know what you mean. They
should be kept at room temperature.

Has he bought a telescope?

They usually start
by buying all the equipment.

They have to buy it quick,
before they lose interest.

I'll say this much for mine.

He's got an interest that doesn't
require much more than a bicycle.

I don't think he loves me
like he used to.

Glenda! Do we have to go in public?

Are you failing this girl?

Ask her about the celery.

She has men bringing her celery.

Just what we've always wanted(!)

Now, let us be fair.

She gave us a good price.
Oh, yes. They were a snip.

We would have been daft
not to buy one.

Funny how things keep
coming into your head like,
"Does anybody actually type?"

If there's going to be an alien
invasion it looks like Kevin's ready.

We know what Kevin's ready for.

Don't be rotten.

If the man wants an alien,
we ought to provide one.

Why are you looking at me?

Because we already think
of you, Alvin, as already being
some distance into outer space.

It's just a first impression.

Alvin does good impressions.

You can be an alien, Alvin.

You're the very model
of an alien if ever I saw one.

Have you ever seen one?

Seen one? I married one!

It has to be you.
Kevin hasn't seen you.

Anybody home?

Argh!

THUD!

Well, he's come down to earth now!

I thought I had been grabbed.
I thought, "This is it. They're
here. Next stop the mother-ship."

Welcome aboard
Mother-ship Entwistle.

Can you vouch for him?
Does he bleed green?

You don't like to ask.

Did you know he makes
funny bleeping noises.

I think it's something he ate.

When you get to know me better,
I can sell you reconditioned
television.

He does come from round here.
Let's get you in the cab, Kevin.

My legs are like jelly.

What flavour?

Did you see that? I knew when
I woke up this morning there was
something different about today.

You were right.

Today's the day
I bought a typist's chair.

I thought his legs were jelly.

And he had custard for brains.

I bring you greetings
from Mother Earth.

And from me and a bloke called
Farnsworth, who would have been here
except he's on holiday. Blackpool.

Which isn't outer space
but it's doing its best.

Have you come far?

Turn left at Attercliffe. You would
have been better on the ring road.

Tell navigator take ring road.

You didn't fool me for a minute.

I knew he was faking it.

I was just about to expose him.

No chance. I can tell the real thing
every time if I do the experiment.

Experiment?! You're not cutting
me open to see if I bleed green.

Unnecessary. It is my own
discovery but anyone can do it.

The alien detector.

Make an X.

Make a what?

The figure, X.

Go on, do it. Side by side with your
feet and fingertips touching mine.

Two connected Xs.

Now you've got it.

Very interesting,
Kevin, but what would a person
do with it once he'd got it?

Do with it?!
He'd listen, wouldn't he?

What we've got here,
as long as we keep firmly connected
at feet and fingertips

is a very powerful psychic receiver.

Not to mention arm ache. You'll see.

We'll start picking things up.

Like funny reputation.

Me and Farnsworth do it
all the time. I bet he's found
somebody at Blackpool to do it with.

Which I'm sure is not beyond
the bounds of possibility.

And what have you received
apart from funny looks?

You can laugh but it works.

We've done it - me and Farnsworth.

The scientists are listening for
aliens with all this machinery.

No chance! They're not going
to communicate like that.

We've got to start listening
with the intelligence
and the minds we've been given.

That's all very well for us,
but what's Alvin going to do?

I'll catch up - don't wait for me.

Do you think it's a good idea,
speaking to green people?

We don't know they're green. Maybe
it's just their blood that's green.

Tell them there's a welcome waiting.
If they are green, vegetarians
should be able to eat them.

If you do get through, see if
anybody wants a typist's chair.

Right, I believe I'm ready.

Let's do it. You're ready for more?

You're looking at big X.

Come on. Let's do it.

Feet and fingers touching.

You've got to concentrate. You've
got to become a cosmic receiver.

I bet all we get is the commercials.

Come on. You do it. The more Xs
we've got, the better the receiver.

What do you think it is?

I think it's weird.

I can see it's weird.
But what kind of weird?

Some kind of ceremony.

Probably some ancient ritual.

How long do they keep this up?

Until whatever it is they're
trying to summon appears.

Do you think they can?

No! It's all rubbish.

GRATING SQUEAK

So why can I hear something coming?

Can you hear that?

THEY WHISTLE

You don't think they're being
asked to keep an eye on us?

Just two people cycling? Why should
anybody want to keep an eye on us?!

I bet they think
we're up to something.

The thought does cross your mind.

I want you to go.
I'd never do anything
to compromise your reputation.

Not on a bicycle.

I can see that.

I'd love us to stop
and just explore more.

But people get funny ideas
if they see you wheeling
your machines into the woods.

I know just how they feel.

People think it's suspicious
if you're only picking bluebells.

I know it gets a laugh at work.

Even if you just stand there
waving your bluebells.

You want celery? I'll get you celery.

Gary,
he gives celery to other ladies.

He takes some for Mrs Batty.

You see?

A womaniser!

Listen to outer space.

Ever heard such rubbish?

Some people will fall for anything.

We'll have to do that again.
I could feel something was coming.

Don't call us, Kevin.
We'll call you.

You can tell me it's none of my
business. But I've got to ask.

I've lived here all these years
without any scandal.

Have you got a woman?

Nora Batty!

Thank you for the offer,
but I've no vacancies at the moment.

Oh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd