All language subtitles for Ali.G.Indahouse.2002.1080p.BluRay.x264.DTS-FGT

[ Siren blaring,
tires screeching ]

[ Helicopter flying by ]

[ Man on radio ]
Go ahead and disregard
the chase. We got him.

That, uh--
[ Indistinct ]

[ Man ]
You are now about to witness the
strength of street knowledge.

* [ Rap ]
[ Radio, indistinct ]

*I'm Coming Straight
Out of compton *

*When Something Happens
In south central Los Angeles
nothing happens *

*It's Just Another Nigger
Dead, dead, dead *

*Straight Out Of Compton

*Crazy Motherfucker
Name ice cube *

*From The Gang Called
Niggers with attitude *

*Ak-47 Is The Tool

*Don't Make Me Out
The motherfucking fool *

*As I Leave
Believe I'm scarred, baby *

*When I Come Back, Boys
I'm coming straight out of
compton, compton, compton *

[ Speaking spanish ]

My friend said he saw you with
ramon comacho. Shut up, ho!
It ain't true, ricco.

It's time to teach
both of you a lesson.

I wouldn't do that
if I was you.
[ Squeaking ]

You better step back,ese,
unless you want me to bust
a cap in your ass.

This is my 'hood.
And these girls
belong to me.

Belong? That is a very
sexist way to talk about
these bitches.

[ Speaking spanish ]

Bonjour.
Je m'appelle ali.

J'habitein staines.

[ Hawking ]

You made me use
me last tissue.

Me ain't got
another one now.

[ Speaking spanish ]

You what?
Speak to the hand,

'cause the face,
it ain't listening.

[ Speaking spanish ]

- [ Yells ]
- [ Yells ]

Sorry.

No!

[ Speaking spanish ]

REMEMBER: Life is
the most precious gift
that jah has given us.

[ Guns cocking ]

[ Imitating machine gun ]

[ All laughing ]

[ Yelling ]

Unlucky.

Mm, you saved us.
I justreally
want to thank you.

Mm.
[ Zipper unzipping ]

I'ah, dios mio!
That's gonna need
the two of us.

Mmm.
Here. Let me
help you with that.

*Boy, I'm Gonna
Make you love me
make you want me *

*And I'm Gonna Give You
Some attention *
Mm, that's nice.

* [ Continues ]
That's very nice.
Oh, yes, please.

Mmm. Thank you very much.

Oh, that's good, babe.
[ Chuckles ]

- oh, 2 pac, no!
- [ Licking ]

[ Dog whimpers ]
Whatever.

[ Rapid licking ]

- oh, yeah, baby.
Play with the balls.
- [ Rapid licking ]

Oh, good dog.
[ Knocking on door ]

[ Woman ]
Ali, are you awake?
For real.

Ally pally, do you know
how very late it is?

And you're still
in bed all asleep.

- sorry, nana.
- *It's Nice To Get Up
In the morning *

[ Growling ]
Get off.

*Four Or Five Or Six O'clock
In the good old summertime *
[ Growling ]

*But When The Winter Comes
And it's snowing out *
[ Growling continues ]

*It's Nice To Get Up
In the morning *

[ Growling stops ]
*But Better
To stay in bed *

- [ Whimpers ]
- ah, that's better.

Ally pally, it's not nice
to play with yourpupik
when nana's in the room.

- come on. You're teaching
your class today.
- oh, wicked.

Out of bed,
choppy-chop.

*Wicked, Wicked
*Junglist Massive

*Wicked, Wicked
*Junglist Massive

*Wicked, Wicked
*Junglist Massive

*Wicked Original
* [ Reggae ]

- *Booyaka, Booyaka
- * [ Reggae Continues ]

*Booyaka, Booyaka
Booyaka, booyaka *

*Booyaka, Booyaka

* [ Reggae Continues ]

[ No dialogue ]

* [ Fading ]

- yo, yo. A'ight.
A'ight. A'ight.
- [ Belches ]

Respect. So, what's goin'
down in staines town,
my nigga?

Yo, nigga, we just be
cold chillin', kicking back,
suckin' on some gin and juice,

laid back.
Laid back?

All right.
For real.

Jezzy,
is you wearing green?

I knew it.
You is defecting to
the iver heath posse, isn't it?

Come on, let's stab him.
Hold on, wait!

Me mum put me yellow top
in the wash with my brother's
blue football socks,

even though
they ain't colorfast.

All right,
but you tell that slag
that in the ghetto...

Washing non-colorfast
synthetics at 60 degrees
could cost you your life.

Will you boys move?
I've told you before.
It's a fire risk.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, my brother.
What's the problem? Huh?

We just four brothers
chillin' out on the sidewalk,
maxin', relaxin'.

It ain't too taxin'.
Boof.
Move!

Okay. Yeah. We'll just
sit on the bench. Yes.

* [ Rap ]

De east staines massiv.

Well, if it ain't
the west staines massiv
outside their precious center.

[ All ]
Booyakasha!

[ All ]
Wikity-waketysha! Boo!

Eastside is the best.
Shhhh.

Westside is the best.
[ Squeaks ]

- eastside is the best.
- westside is the best.

- westside is the best.
- eastside is the best.

- [ Laughing ]
- shit. I meant
westside is the best.

Anyways,
you is on our turf.

Once you past the
bumblebees day nursery,

just before you get
to the mini-roundabout--
you know, on elmsleigh gardens--

then you is in the westside,
oh, yeah?
We don't care.

Your mama is so fat...

That when she volunteered
to clean the cages at the zoo,

people walk by and say,
"look at that hippopotamus."

That ain't fair.
It's glandular.

Let's leave these
batty boys behind.
Hey, your mama don't think so.

* [ Hip-hop ]

- slow down!
- [ Tires screeching ]

[ Horn beeps ]

Stop!

- eastside!
- what a flippin' loon.
He's gonna get himself killed.

Hey, yo, yo, g.
It's the lapd, man.

Yeah? And?

[ Laughs ]
Oh, man! You are
one bad mofo, man.

- *I Is Feelin' It
You rockin' it *
- *I'm Feelin' It

*I'm Checkin' It
*I'm Doin' It

*I'm Feelin' It
*I'm Kissin' It

*I'm Checkin' It
*Nice

* [ Rap Beat ]
*Wicked

*Wicked
*Follow Me

*Wicked Now, Wicked Now
Wicked *

*Me Got The Chicken
Me like the chicken *

*Me Got The Chicken Wicked
A rockin' and a flickin' *

*We Got With The
[ Scatting ]

*A To The L
To the I to the g *

*Ali G
That's me, that's me *

*A To The L
To the I to the g *

*That's G
That's me, that's me *

*R To The I To The C
To the k to the y *

*That's Ricky C
Ricky c to the c
to the c *

*Ricky C, Ricky--
Oh, wait a sec. I's gonna
be late for me class. Let's go.

[ Ali g ]
Crack cocaine is
destroying our community.

So when a brother
makes it through,
they deserve our respect.

So let's big it up
for darren,

who's been clean
and off the crack now
for eight years.

- eight and
three-quarter years.
- whatever.

Me don't want to say this,
but most of you ain't
never gonna see 11.

Booka!
Drive-bys.

[ Sobbing ]
Look, he's crying.
Homo, homo.

Hey! We'll have none
of that language here.

- the word is "batty boy."
- batty boy!

Batty boy!
Better!
Now, everybody up.

'Cause it's time to give
out this week's badges.

First, big it up
for me main man andy...

Who has finally got
his hot-wiring badge...

And his advanced
swearing badge.
Shit off, you hairy dog's cock.

Respect. And since you
is got your fifth badge,

you has also earned
your second slit.

Hopefully one day,
you'll get to be
tyrone's level.

Tryrone, if you's get any
better, we is gonna have to
start doing your pubes, a'ight?

I don't have any.

Well, I have got millions.

Now, remember,
without realness,
we is nothing.

So, posse, keep it real.

[ All ]
Keep it real!
Keep it real!

Now on the streets,
you is gotta know
that your homey...

Will take a cap
in his ass for you.

So let's start
with a very basic
trust exercise.

One, two, three.

- ali, can I have a word?
- sure.

It's about the center.

Now I know how much
these classes mean to you...

- and how much the kids
enjoy them.
- [ Groans ]

But I'm afraid the government
is withdrawing our funding.

They're closing down
the john nike leisure center.

You what?

How is these kids gonna
make it out of the ghetto now?

They'll have to go
somewhere else.
Somewhere else?

Do you know
what this center
means to them? And to me?

This is the spiritual home
of the west staines massiv.

This is like what
mecca is to the jews.

It's like what Kentucky
is to chickens.

And it was here where
me first felt me julie's...
[ Whistles ]

Ali, there's nothing
you can do.

Now, you better go
and tell the kids.

I ain't never gonna
let them close us down.

Keep it real. Yeah?

[ Thud ]
[ Groans ]

[ Woman ]
Dinner with the belgian
prime minister at 8:00.

Nato briefing in half an hour.

And the deputy prime minister
urgently wishes to speak to you.

Has he heard
the poll results yet?
Excuse me. I wish I hadn't.

Gallup's putting us
22 points behind.

What about mori?
Twenty-three points behind.

The youth vote's
deserting us in droves.

All our focus groups
suggest we're out of touch.
Maybe we are. I know I am.

Don't be ridiculous.
Are we gonna lose
this by-election, david?

No chance. We haven't lost
staines in 20 years, and we're
not about to start now.

We just have
an image problem.

We have to find a candidate
who will improve that image.

Somebody young.

Somebody ethnic.
Somebody in touch.

Exactly, prime minister.
You're absolutely right,
david.

What we got to find
is an outstanding candidate...

Who's intellectually superior,
who can guarantee us victory.

Easy now, Mrs. Hugh.
Booyakasha.

Is me julie about?
Safe.
She's upstairs.

Hello, baby.
I's been missing you
so much today.

You is looking so fine.

- all I want to do
is pull your panties down--
- ali?

Oh, hello, me julie.

Stop feeling up nina
and get in here.

Sorry. I got confused.
Strange how you never get
confused with tracy, isn't it?

- hello, ali.
- hello.

You know you's
me only bitch-- ho.

Lady? When me close
me eyes, you's the only girl
me ever think about.

* [ Hip-hop ]

* [ Ends ]
Ali, open your eyes.

Sorry. There was
something in them.

Because there's these fleas
that is going around.

And two of them,
and they're coming.

They're coming in again.
They're in me eyes.

- * [ Hip-hop Resumes ]
- [ Whip cracks ]

Ali g,
you've been a very bad boy
and you need to be punished.

- are you a bad boy?
- yes, I am.

My skin is so dry.
So for being a bad boy,

I want you
to rub oil into me.

Paying special attention
to my breasts
and my batty crease.

Okay. I will do that.

But first, I want you
to take your hat off,
you naughty, naughty boy.

But me never
take me hat off.
You take that off,

- and I'll take these off.
- okay.

Now I'm going to milk you.
[ Julie's voice ]
Ali.

Give me one more sec.

- behave, alistair.
- j.lo, they is closing down
the center.

So I was gonna go
on a hunger strike
until they save it.

Or until I die.
So just in case I do join...

Tupac and biggie
in dat ghetto in the sky,

I's come here to bone you
one last time.

I think Mr. Johnson
might have something
to say about that.

- can I watch?
- I ain't got no problem
with that. Has you?

Ali. Don't do nothing
stupid, all right?

Hear me now.
She ain't really me julie.

Obviously, in real life,
I's going out with someone
much fitter.

But they do that
to make me more accessible.

Which means that you girls
out there will think
that I will knob you,

even if you was a minger.

Okay, you got ten seconds
till you start, mac daddy.

[ Muffled ]
More, more! More!

Okay, and go!

Mr. G, why are you
on hunger strike?

[ Muffled ]
In the struggle for--

in the struggle for justice,
I's willing to lay down
me life.

Just like martin luther...
Vandross did.

This is local
party chairman, alan swan.

He's been putting together
a list of names
for the by-election.

This is a great honor.
I've always, um, been
a particular admirer--

- the names, swan.
- right. Uh, well, uh,
there are, um--

there are three really
outstanding candidates
that match all your criteria.

Top of the list
is andrew hamilton.
PHD., political science,

studied PP. At oxford,
gained a starred first.

Have you tried these new
chicken dippers? They're
quite good, aren't they?

Oh, yeah,
they're really good.
What sauce are you going for?

Ooh. Uh, I think
it's barbecue.

[ Yelling ]

I can't take it.
I can't take it.

[ Yelling ]

Chicken dippers!

- good.
We can go home now.
- ah, nips.

I'll get the keys,
yeah?

Starting again from... Now!

* [ Rap ]

No.

Well, what has
we got here then?

I's doin' a serious protest,
if you don't mind.

Well, in that case,
we'll leave you to it.

Oh, thanks.

There was just
one thing, though.

- [ All laughing ]
- * [ Rap ]

*And Y'all Gonna See
That the hottest nigger
out there *

*Was, Is, Will Be Me

*Just Like That
I can go away for a minute
do some other shit *

- *But Bounce Right Back
- [ Groans ]

Grow, biggy, grow.
I just gotta get
a semi-lob on.

Jennifer lopez.
Jennifer lopez.

Jennifer lopez lezzing off with
the one from destiny's child
with the big thighs.

[ Giggles ]

Look here now!
Look here now!

Look at my massive beast.
[ All screaming ]

You filthy animal!

Oh, shep, this rail
is very dirty.

It's going to need
a lot of polishing.

[ Moaning ]

PHD. In economics,
three years at harvard,
age 34--

swan, is there any reason
why there should be
an absurdly dressed,

half-naked man
chained to a fence...

Being tossed off by
an old blind council worker?

- [ Moaning ]
- ignore him.

It's the local idiot
making some pathetic protest.

Have him unchained
and bring him in here.

But I'm trying to go
through the whole--
bring him in, swan.

Straight ahead
at the top of the stairs.

*Freak Me, Baby
*Yeah, Just Like That

*Freak Me, Baby
*Come On, Come On

*Freak Me, Baby

*Let Me Lick You
Up and down *

*Till You Say Stop

*Let Me Play
With your body, baby *

*Make You Feel Hot

[ Off-key ]
*Let Me Do All The Things

*You Want Me To Do

*'Cause Tonight, Baby

*I Wanna Get
Freaky with you *

I'm kate hedges,
the deputy prime minister's
private secretary.

Please, come in.
And, uh, you can
pull your pants up now.

Hello. I'm david carlton,
the chancellor of the exchequer
and the deputy prime minister.

*Hello, I's Ali G
The dominatin' MC. *

*Makin' Bitches Touch
Their punani *

*The Number After Two
It be *
Three.

*No Ali A, No Ali B
No ali c, no ali d *

*No Ali--

*E

*No Ali--

Uh...

*F
But ali *
G.

Po! Your rhymes is tight
for a honky. Yes, sir.

- that's his full name
and address.
- tell me, ali,

- do you have a job?
- unfortunately, I's recently
gone on the dole.

- really? When?
- eight years
and three months ago.

It says here you claim
disability benefit.
Are you--

yes, I is actually
spasticated.

I's got a terrible
dj-ing injury.

Me still ain't got
full mobility on
me main mixing finger.

[ Scratching ]
Ow!

Everything down there
is still working.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Ali, um,
would you sit down?

Um, please, sit down.

Have you ever considered
becoming a member of parliament?

What would me want
to do that for?
It's full of pricks.

Oh, that's a little harsh.
I'm an MP. Am I a prick?
Yes.

Let's try approaching this
from a different angle.

Um... Is there
nothing in the world that
you would like to change?

Yeah. Me'd wanna save
the john nike leisure center,
obviously.

Well, as the MP. For staines,
you could achieve that.

Would you stand
as our candidate
in this by-election?

Well, me gotta be honest.
Me ain't actually bi.
I mean,

obviously, I done it
with two girls.

Well, I seen it
on the internet.

But me would never feel
completely comfortable...

Being bummed by a man,
or even bummin' a man.

I know a lot of people
say, "never say ever,"
But me feel so strongly...

That me exit hole should
always stay me exit hole
and never become me entry hole.

You know
what I's saying?
Yes.

Yes. Well, it's been
a pleasure meeting you.

Later.

Later, sweetheart.

David?
What are you doing?

He was the biggest idiot
I have ever met.

Choose him and
there is no way we can
win the by-election.

I know.
But there will be
a leadership crisis.

A vote of no confidence.
The PM. Will be out.

And who could
possibly replace him?

Ali has two weeks
to lose us 18,000 votes.

Let's get him
on the campaign trail.

Easy now, rude boy.
Me name be ali g...

And me is here
representing staines.

Me wanna know if me
can count on your vote.
What ya say?

- definitely not!
- hairy muff.

Well, seein' as I is here,
I couldn't interest you in
a quarter of moroccan black?

It's well good shit.

Dave, it's your turn
to shit through the letter box.

Our anti-bullying program
has won paise
throughout the county.

And incidents of bullying
in this school are at
an all-time low.

Ah, this is jonathan,
who used to suffer terribly
at the hands of bullies.

I ain't surprised.
Look at him.

Hey, fatty boom-boom.
Hey, fatty boom-boom.

Hey, want another cream cake?
Boing, boing, boing.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh. He is well fat,
though, isn't he?

All you motherfuckers,
fu-fu-fu-fuckers.

All you motherfuckers.
Fu-fu-fu-fuckers.

Vote for the g.
The motherfucking g.
That's me. The motherfucking g.

All the bitches
in the house say "yo."

Vote for me,
'cause me know
what you lezzers want.

I's a big supporter
of your cause.

And I's got many,
many of your videos.

If you vote for me,
me give you me pledge...

To lower taxes on strap-ons.

- [ Booing ]
- why's you getting so eggy?
Is you all on?

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
to commemorate the extension
of the town hall,

we're asking all the candidates
to lay down a brick.

Ali, we wonder whether
you'd be good enough
to lay one for us now?

- what? Here?
- we would be honored.

In front of everyone?
Well, yes.

All right.

[ Crowd groaning ]

Not bad.

This is absolutely vital.

Ten days ago,
we were 14 points ahead.

With one day to go,
we are eight points behind.

Listen,
did you get the manifesto
that I sent you?

Have you got another roach?
Uh, for real.

You got another roach?
Uh, yeah, for real.

Wicked. Wicked.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]

Yes. It was very helpful.

Thirty seconds till we're
on air. Would you like
to come with me?

Good luck.
Don't hold back.

* [ Fanfare ]

Shh, shh, shh, shh.
[ Giggles ]
[ Mumbling ]

In what is possibly
the most crucial by-election
of the past decade,

we're joined tonight by
ex-environment secretary
and political heavyweight...

David griffiths,
and newcomer ali g.

If you haven't
made your mind up yet,

you will have done
by the end of this debate.

Ali, if elected,
what would you do
for staines?

Well, me'd save the john nike
leisure center, isn't it?

You can't suggest that
your sole policy...

Is to save a center
that's barely used
and a terrible drain on funds.

What are your other policies?

My other policies?

Yes. You must have some.

[ No sound ]

Well.

Oh, I think it is
well important to reduce...

"Inflat-ee-on."

And, also, to invest
in the "nehuss."

The naha... Nahus.

Oh, the NH.S.

- you're reading from my sheet.
- no, I ain't. I was for
them things myself.

You has obviously
copied from me.
It wasn't me.

Well, then, perhaps
you'd like to tell me
where you stand on the ER.M.?

No problem. Me thought
their first album was whack.

And to be honest,
me hate all indie music.

Quick frankly,
the voters of staines
deserve better.

You're making a mockery
of this debate.

What? Is you looking
in the mirror?
All you're doing...

Is making it obvious
to all the voters out there...

- what an absolute buffoon
you are.
- talking about yourself again?

[ Ali ]
I think so, yes.

You are
an embarrassment to your party
and to the people of staines.

That is not a very nice way
to talk about your mum.

I put it to you...

That you are the worst
possible candidate...

Ever put forward
by your miserable party.

Well, I put it to you...

- that you sucked off a horse.
- [ Gasps ]

I did not, uh,
suck off a horse.

I have already
dealt with this issue
with the party chairman.

And as I explained to him,

I was out hunting
with a friend...

And I slipped on to the end
of a horse's phallus,

which, unfortunately,
owing to it being
the mating season,

was... Aroused.

[ Ali ]
Why is he going?
Does he need to do a pony?

- [ Laughing ]
Oh. That's cold.
- is that a yes or a neigh?

Why ain't you speaking?
Is you a bit hoarse?

Was that a lie
or was that the tr-hoof, hoof?

[ Ali over speaker ] I don't
want to read the "gallop" polls
tomorrow. Giddyup!

Another dramatic day
in the staines by-elections...

Saw the unexpected withdrawal
of opposition candidate
david griffiths.

Tomorrow's vote now becomes
a two-horse race between
thomas alvarez...

And ali g,
with the result
too close to call.

Thomas alvarez,
liberal democrats,

five thousand
and eighty votes.

Alistair leslie graham,
[ Laughing ]

Who?
What a stupid name.

Five thousand
and eighty-six votes.
[ Screams ]

You won!
You did it!

Selector!

[ Man ]
And I now declare ali g...

Has been duly elected
as member of parliament
for staines.

Now, do you wanna see
the new member of parliament,
a'ight?

[ Both laughing ]

- [ Zipper unzipping ]
- [ Feedback ]

[ Ali on PA. ]
Look, I is touching myself.
Do you like that?

Is that turnin' you on?

[ Julie on PA. ]
Not really.
Hmm.

[ Ali ]
Would you like to give
a kiss to Mr. Gherkin?

[ Julie ]
Oh, baby, you're
so long and hard.

- [ Ali ]
That's the hand brake.
- now let's get jiggy.

[ Ali ]
*Mm, Mr. Bombastic
Reggae fantastic *

*Take It And
De doogie doogie doogie *

*Mr. Ro-ro-ro-ro-ro

*Mmmmmmantic

[ Softly moans ]

Is it in yet?

Big up yourself.
Respect. Safe.
Big up yourself.

- [ Indistinct ]
- hey, hey, I know you.

You is the geezer that did it
with that prozzie, isn't it?

Respect.

- [ Man ] ...because this
government's conduct--
- order! Order!

- [ All shouting ]
- this government's conduct
of economic policy...

Has not only
been incompetent,
it has been unscrupulous,

untrustworthy
and untruthful.

They is dissin' our posse.
I's gonna sort this.

[ Man ]
Order! Order in the house!

- and look at this.
- order! Order!

Will the member from staines
return to his seat?

Will the member from staines
return to his seat?

Order!
Order in the house!

What is he doing?
I'm-i'm not sure,
prime minister.

Order in the house!

And for you, sir, to come down
and step up to me...
Shh.

And have the--
relax, ya batty.

[ Snaps fingers ]

Look at you.

All you ever do
all day long
is cuss each other.

R-e-s-t-e-c-p.

Do you even know
what that spells?

"Restecp"?

- yes. "Restecp."
- restecp.

How's anyone out there
meant to restecp each other...

If you lot in here...

Don't even start
restecping one another?

Sergeant,
eject the gentleman.

Do you wanna know how
to make this country better?
It's simple.

Two WORDS:
Keep it real.

- that's three words.
- don't be a spanner.
"It" ain't a real word.

It's short
for "innit," innit?
Keep it real!

The member of staines
will be banned
from the house.

Is it 'cause I's black?

What in god's name
have you done to me?

I want that idiot
in my office in the morning
with his letter of resignation.

Is that clear?
Yes, prime minister.

- [ Knocking on door ]
- come in.

Listen.
Me know me done wrong.

Ali, haven't you
read the papers?

I can't believe it.

There's a dog that
can play table tennis.

Ali, it's the press.
They love you.

But how can
he hold the bat?

Ali, the deputy prime minister
and I were wondering...

What would you say
if I asked you
to join the cabinet?

No. Think about it.
Ali joins the cabinet.

The two of them are
publicly allied together.

Ali slips up and he takes
that old prat with him.

What makes you think
ali will join?

Because I've suggested
to the prime minister...

That he offers to save
his leisure center.
Are you mad? That would--

let me finish.
Offers to save
his leisure center...

If ali can secure him
a 20-point lead in the polls.

Yo, boss man, now I's
in the cabinet and all that,

could I have a look
at the red button?

- can I trust you?
- yes.

All right, here we are.

Now, one touch on that
red button could destroy
the whole world.

That is very interesting
that you say that because--
no! No!

[ Laughs ]
Fell for it, fell for it.

Ali, please stand away,
please.

Dear me.
Can't we just
blow up something?

Of course not.
Please?

No!
Come on, just somewhere
shitty, like wales.

Ali.
I heard the prime minister
of wales called your mum a slag.

Iamthe prime minister
of wales.

Well, you shouldn't talk
that way about your mum,
isn't it?

Now, look,
your first cabinet meeting
is next thursday.

[ Prime minister ]
We're going to be
discussing asylum seekers.

I'm sending you on
a fact-finding mission.

If anybody wants to smuggle
anything into britain,

chances are they'll
come through here.

And it's not just immigrants.
Take a look at this.

You'll be appalled.

Look at this crap.

Thirty kilos of marijuana
smuggled in from europe,

south America
and the middle east.

That is terrible.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

- is there any skunk?
- yes.

Some scumbag managed to
smuggle in 15 kilos of this.

Turns out it's the strongest
super skunk ever discovered.

Over here is where we keep
the confiscated weapons.

And this is where
we keep the--
[ Yelling ]

You must have such
a laugh here, what?

- no, we don't.
- oh.

This next section is where
we keep the mountains
of hard-core pornography.

Most of it
coming from germany.

You may want to look
away at this bit.

No, I's got a job to do.

[ Whimpers ]
I know.

It makes me
feel sick too.

Well, I's gonna have
to compile me report now.

So if you wouldn't mind
fucking off.
Certainly, sir.

Oh, westminster
will be sending down
a couple of experts...

To help me
with me research.
[ Ricky c ] jezzy, glasses.

Hello.
We is experts.

[ Music plays,
man, woman moaning ]

[ Man on tv
speaking german ]

Well, now, ali, tells us.
What did you find out
in dover?

Well,
we saw a lot of stuff--
most of it from germany--

of these blokes
all goin' in through
the back door.

Absolutely right.
I've been to germany
and experienced it myself.

Respect.
I remember one time...

There were these
two huge african men...

Who managed to squeeze
themselves into...
This tiny box.

- how long was
they in there for?
- fifteen hours.

It was incredibly emotional.
It must have hurt, what?

- it still does.
- sorry.

So, john, what are
we going to do about
these asylum seekers?

Well, we can't
just let them all in.
It'll cripple the economy.

- ooh. Ooh.
- ah, yes, ali.

Let's think about
this, right?

What is the main thing
we ain't got enough of
in this country?

- hospitals.
- no.
- libraries?

Behave! We ain't got
enough fit women.

And we's got
too many mingers.
No offense, karen.

So why don't we just
let in all the fit refugees...

And turn away
all the rank ones.

That way we solve
both problems.

We's knobbin' two birds
with one connie, isn't it?
[ Chattering ]

- this is ludicrous.
- what do you think?

I think we should
"keep it real."

Fit. Fit.

Fit. Wait.

Back to slovenia.
Fit.

As I was saying,
education standards are
at their lowest for 15 years.

Yeah, well, that is because
kids is learning stuff
that ain't no use to them.

I mean, who here
has ever used maths?
Or english?

Exactly. Let's start
making education relevant.

So, if kevin buys six ounces
of jamaican sinsemilla
from fat tony...

For 6480,
cash in hand,

and has to divide it
amongst 11 of his customers,

how much should he charge
for an eighth...

So he can make 6100 profit
to pay off his child support?

Prime minister, the situation
in northern ireland...

Is threatening to spiral
out of all control.

Hear me now.
The only way you is ever
gonna get those hindus...

To stop killing them islams--
it's actually catholics
fighting protestants.

Whatever--
is if you get some
really fit woman...

To get her babylons
out for peace.

Prime minister--
not you, love.

The army is costing
the british taxpayer
64.2 billion a year.

How does the government intend
to reduce this figure?

We is gonna hire
the a-team.

[ Man ]
Her majesty, the queen.

Your majesty.

May I introduce ali g,
member of parliament
for staines.

*Come On, Baby Girl
Will you show me your twirls *

*Come On,
We both on the floor *

*I Will Rock Your World

*I Will Wind And Go Down
Wind and come up *

*I'll Watch The People
On the way *

* [ Fading ]

Hello, cheeky.
You is much fitter than
you look on them coins.

Me tell you, next time
I put a 50 pence piece
in me pocket,

me'll feel honored having
your head so close to me nuts.

Nothing's working.
The jobless figures are
at their highest level--

this country has
a special relationship
with the united states.

What do you
think of bush?

Me love bush.
I mean,

me love anything that gives
foliage to the punani area.

Would you do a dance
for me, please?

- oh, my god.
- shaven heaven.
Respect.

As ali g's influence
grows ever stronger--

[ Reporter #2 ]
Ali g storms the palace.

[ Man speaking
foreign language ]

[ Applause, cheering ]

"As of 12:00,
all rizlas will be free.

"To discourage their use,
there will be a levy...

"Of 25 pence in the pound
on panties.

"This will exclude thongs.

"As for the health service,

"marijuana will be made
available free on the NH.S...

For the treatment
of chronic diseases,
such as itchy scrot."

"Furthermore,
I am a bellend--"
[ Laughing ]

- prime minister,
I can't be expected--
- get on, david.

"I like to take it
up de batty.

Yes, I do.
It feel really nice
and is me favorite."

"I used to be a girl
and wear knicks.

Honest."

"Ask me mum."
[ All laughing ]

* [ Theme ]

War looms
in central africa.

Britain is to host
a last-minute peace conference.

A triumphant budget
framed by britain's most
controversial MP.

[ Turns tv off ]

Just because you bought me
a fancy frock doesn't make up
for three months of neglect.

Me know.
Listen, ali, I ain't never been
to nothing like this before,

so don't leave me on
my own tonight, all right?
Don't worry, baby.

* [ Classical ]

Look,
there's the prime minister.
I seen him on the telly.

Let me get his autograph.
Yo, boss man,
this is me julie.

Oh, yes, right.
Shall we meet the delegates?

Ah. This is president wattana
from thailand.

It is an honor
to meet you.

Thai. A'ight. Present.
[ Pops lips ]

Ali, let's move along.
Do forgive me.

Ah. This is
the mongolian delegate.

Is you a genuine mong?

Oh, that is fantastic
that you lot is also
being represented here.

[ Speaking
native language ]

[ Slowly ]
I will go and get you...

Some nice crayons.

[ Chuckles ]
Shall we--
shall we carry on?

Thank you.
Do-do forgive me.

They really can
do anything, what?

Oh, this is borat
from kazakhstan.

[ Speaking native language ]
Bless you.

It is nice to meet you.

Get off,
you batty boy!
Oh, no! Ali, ali.

- it's all right.
- that's ridiculous.
- you're a cocksucker.

Bonjour.

Canape, sir?

[ Nickers ]

Me julie.

Julie?

[ Sobbing ]

Hello?

[ Sniffles ]

What you doing up here with me?
Why don't you just stay
downstairs with that posh girl?

We was just talking
about the politics.

I ain't interested
in what you got to say.
Just shut up!

For real,
me won't speak no more.

Oh, you really are a prat.

Now come here.
[ Chuckles ]

Hey, we can't.
This is the PM.'s bedroom.

Well,

why don't you pretend
to be the prime minister then?

Cheeky.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Uh, in advance
of tomorrow's summit,

I shall be having
private talks
with both parties.

So, so first,
president mwepu,

- would you care
to join me upstairs?
- a pleasure.

Thank you.

[ Banging ]
[ Julie moaning ]

[ Glass clinking ]

[ Banging, moaning ]

- [ Banging, faster ]
- [ Ali, muffled ]
Boombayeh! Boombayeh!

[ Banging stops ]

I must say,
I enjoyed that.
So did I.

I'm so glad
we thrashed it out.

Mm-hmm.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I want everyone to know...

That president mwepu,
here, is a very big man.

- [ Disgusted moaning ]
- and I would like you to know
that the prime minister...

Was very hard...
[ Crowd ] ohh!

- but very straight.
- [ Moaning continues ]

The president here
was very muchon top
to start off with.

[ Sickened gasping ]
But I don't mind
telling you...

I was in a deep hole.
Oh, very deep.

But even though
we had some
sticky patches,

I'm delighted to say
we came together,
finally, in the end.

- [ Violent moans ]
- yes, I lapped up everything
that you had to offer.

Now, President oempeba,
would you care to
join me upstairs?

- no bloody way!
- can I come?

Hmm.

Come on, honey.
Let's go home.

I'll cook you up
your favorite.

What, angel delight?
Yeah.
Butterscotch.

Mm.
Mm.
Butterscotch.

This bit
is for the girls.

To show that me can be
well sensitive.

By the way, if any
of you bitches is fit
and into doggie...

Then 'ere is
my mobile number.

Callers must be
over 16.

But not by too much,
obviously.

Me can't.

They need me at
the peace conference
tomorrow.

You wha'?
What about the people
who really need ya?

What about ricky?
What about dave?

What about me, ali?

[ Sighs ]
Please come back
to staines.

The world is bigger
than staines.

And me gotta save it.

You'll have to do it
on your own, then.

Julie--

julie?
[ Sighs ]

Uh, let me call you back.

We've got to get
rid of him before this
bloody center's saved.

- well, what I thought--
- youthought?

[ U.s. Delegate ]
The united states will do
everything in its power...

To support chad
in its struggle
against its neighbors!

Russia will not allow
this western oppression
to continue,

and in order to support
burkina faso...

Is prepared to utilize all
our military capabilities.

- [ Gasping, chattering ]
- that's outrageous!

- [ All talking together ]
- how can you make
a statement like that?

Ali, ali, ali!
* [ Music On Headphones ]

Could be
armageddon breaking out.
Please help me, will you?

- chill, bro. Me'll sort it.
- the united states
will not be intimidated!

We are prepared to meet
any show of force with
our full military might.

Oi! Do you know why
they is all shoutin'
in there?

It's because they ain't
been fed their teas.

Come on!
Choppy-chop!

[ Pandemonium ]

Moving to a motion.
All those in favor
of sending iran...

Down to the gas station
to get some potato chips
and chocolate,

raise your hands.
[ All agreeing, laughing ]

-[ man ] bye-bye.
- oh, bummer.

*Tease Me, Tease Me
Tease me, baby *

I'm sorry
we invaded you.

It wasreallyuncool.

You know, who cares?
It's all in the past.

And hey, if I was going
to be invaded by anyone,

I am happy it was you.
[ Chuckles ]

You are really cool.

And you have nice clothes.

You saved
my white ass, ali.

No problem, "bredrin."

Big up the 'erbal tea,
a'ight?
A'ight.

- hey, you, britain!
[ Grunts ]
- [ Cork popping ]

Respect.

-*I will never forget
the first time we kissed *
- how does he do it?

*Catching A Big Fish

*Yes, You Are On Top
Of my romance list *

*Second To None
You defeat the favorite *

*Woman, Your Love Is Like
Burnin' fire on me soul *

*Woman, Tease Me
Till me lose control *

*Woman Your Love Is Like
Burnin' fire on me soul *

*Woman, Tease Me
Till me lose control *

*Tease Me, Tease Me
Tease me, baby *

[ Prime minister ]
You know, we're quite
a team, ali.

It's thanks to you
we're 22 points ahead.

I'm gonna save
that center of yours.

[ Ali ]
Wicked! Boo! Boo! Boo!

Check out all the "pepperami."
[ Prime minister ]
They're for you, ali.

This is your moment.

[ All shouting ]

Will you comment on
accusations that you drugged
the leaders of the world?

- you what?
-Well, we have evidence
that proves you're guilty.

Uh,
"well, we have evidence
that proves you guilty."

- this is just childish.
- "this is just childish!"

Aren't you, by employing
this absurd rhetorical tactic,

merely incriminating
yourself further?

Aren't you, by...
Blah, blah, tactic,
just blah, blah your father?

This bag was sent
to my office anonymously
this morning.

Do you deny
that you stole it
from customs and excise?

That could be anyone's!
What's that to do with me?
Come on.

I's got to go.
I's turtlin'.

I's actually
touchin' cloth.

Oh, dear.
There goes your
leisure center.

Clear your desk
before you go, will you?
Prime minister!

[ John ]
Big up yourself, ali.
Good-bye, Mr. G.

Won't be the same
without you.
We'll Miss you, Mr. G.

Respect.
Big up yourself.

You're all right.
Westside.

[ Children playing ]

Flippin' heck.

Nan, can I
borrow your car?

[ Hip-hop ]
*Where Would I Be Without My
*Baby

*The Thought Alone Might
*Break Me

*And I Don't Want To Go
*Crazy

*But Every Dog Needs A
*Lady

*And I Feel Like
You and I been *
*Moanin' Together

*Inseparable
You chose pain over pleasure *

*For That, You'll Forever
Be part of me *

*My Body And Your Soul
They know I can't wait *

*Baby
*What Would I Be
Without you *

*Uh, Yeah
*I Only Think About You

*I Know You're Tired
Of bein' lonely *

*Lonely
*So, Baby Girl
Put it on me *

*Put It On Me
*What Would I Be
Without you *

*Uh
*I Only Think About You

[ Sucks lip ]

[ Commodores ]
*Thanks For The Times

[ Mouthing words silently ]
*That You've Given Me

*The Memories Are All
In my mind *

*You're Once

*Twice

*Three Times A Lady
[ Doorbell ringing ]

*And I Lo--
[ Beeping ]

Having a bad day?
Maybe I can help.

- is it nippy outside?
- very.

Wha' is you doin' here?

[ Clears throat ]
Let me show you.

So, today's main news
AGAIN: The prime minister
has resigned,

after the discovery
of a videotape from
a security camera...

Showing him having
perverse sexual intercourse
with an unknown prostitute.

[ Julie moaning ]

That ain't no prostitute,
that's me ho!

As of 11:00 this morning,
the deputy prime minister,
david carlton,

will be
acting prime minister.

What? That ain't fair.
That weren't the PM.!

- why ain't they showin'
the rest of the tape?
- unfortunately,

my boss has locked it
in his safe, in his
new office at chequers,

- and that's where it's staying.
- you ain't gonna
get away with this.

If you keep
your mouth shut,

david's willing to be
very generous.

I'm... Willing to be
verygenerous.

[ Loud sucking ]

All that you have to do...

Is keep...
Your mouth...
Shut.

[ Groaning ]

I'm tuning up
my engine, ali.

[ Sucking sound ]
Fill me with petrol.

I's gonna pump you
with me five-star
unleaded, a'ight?

- let me see your nozzle.
- what?

Oh, you wanna see me knob?
All right.

- [ Turns on music ]
-*Freak me, baby

*Let Me Lick You Up And Down

*Till You Say Stop

*Let Me Play
With your body, baby *

*Make You Real Hot

*Let Me Do All The Things

*You Want Me To Do

*'Cause Tonight, Baby

*I Want To Get
Freaky with you *

*Baby, Don't You Understand

*I Wanna Be Your Nasty Man

[ Turns off music ]
[ Panting ]
Give me your fuel injection.

And in tomorrow's phone-in,
we'll be asking this QUESTION:

"Have you ever slept
with a pig?" I know
I certainly have.

[ Woman on tv ] and we'll
be finding out what turns
girls like this into slags.

No one calls me julie
a slag.

- [ Clicks off tv ]
- come to mama.

Take them off.

* [ Disco, Indistinct ]

*Where Are You, Baby
We used to have so much fun *

*You Drive Me Crazy

*Somebody Tell Me
Where he's gone *

*Where Are You, Baby
We used to have so much fun *

*You Drive Me Crazy

[ Cub scouts, chanting ]
Keep it real. Keep it real.

This ain't right.
Here.

Set it to vibrate
and finish yourself off.

[ Groaning, panting ]

Open up, open up!
Yo, blood, I needs
your help.

Everyone on the telly
is callin' me julie
a slag.

What, they heard
about her three-header
at derek jamal's 18th?

What three-header?
Nothin'.
No. No.

Anyways, I can prove
that she ain't.
"Bredrin."

We got to restart
"drive-by fm."
What you say?

"Drive-by fm" is back
'pon the road!

Wicked!
Let's do it. Let's go.
Is you any good at knots?

Yo, yo, yo, 'ear me now.
Rewind, bubba dubba,
'ear now. [ Gibberish ]

This is drive-by fm,
the sound of the ghetto,

coming to you from
deep in the heart
of berkshire.

[ Both imitating
drums, gunshots ]

[ Clicking ]

[ Stops ]
What was dat?

A helicopter.
Oh, you was
doin' the wings?

[ Whispers ]
Oh, that's good.

'Ear me now, gangsters.
There is some serious
shit goin' down.

Da prime minister--
check it--

has been chucked out
by a geezer who is
a m-massive dong.

He is even more "eviller"
Than skeletor.

To get the PM. Back in,
me needs to get 'old
of this tape...

Of me knobbin' me bitch.

If you 'elp me rescue
this video,

we can save da country.

Plus, you will get to see
me julie's babylons.

[ Laughs ]
Wicked!

That is why I's callin'
all of you...

To end the berkshire
turf wars.

There's been enough
brothers slain.

So, put down your AK.S.

Lay down your uzis.

And unite
into one massive massiv.

So big up
the eton wick crew.
Hold tight.

Hold tight
the iver heath posse.
One love.

Shout goin' out
to the englefield green massiv.

-Two time!
- and me never thought
me would ever say THIS:

But big up...

The east staines massiv.

Hey, what you doin', man?
Shh.

Hear this, hassan "b".

If you join us,

then I is prepared
to hand over...

The boris the spider
climbing frame
in leagrove park.

Let's do what tupac
and biggie never managed,
a'ight?

There it is, there it is,
if you is joining us
for this military operation,

then meet up
wearing your camouflage
and combat gear.

The venue is outside
the john nike leisure center
at 9:00 tomorrow morning.

Actually, that's a bit early.
Could we make it 12:00?

Sorry I is late.

But there was something
on the telly about monkeys.

Dey is well funny,
what, with all their
arms and their--

respect to all of you
for wearin' your "camelflage."

It will help you
go undetected.

Now, let's go to chequers
and rescue that tape.

Let's do this for britain.

Let's do this for me julie.

And let's do this
for hip-hop!

- selector!
- [ All ] selector!

*Fight The Power

*Fight The Power

*Fight The Power

*Fight The Power

*Fight The Power

*Fight The Power

Hear me now. I's drawn up
a detailed plan of chequers.

The tape is in
the PM.'s office.
In a safe.

Right? First up,
ricky, dave and me
will go in.

Jezzy, you stay here.
We's gonna be like
the a-team.

And I is
BA. Baracus.

I wanna be
BA. Baracus.
[ Deep grunting ]

But I is
very muchlikehim.

[ Imitating ] "I ain't
gettin' on no plane!"
"I ain't gettin' on no plane!"

"I ain't gettin'
on no plane!"

"Shut up, fool!
I ain't gettin'
on no plane!"

What? Look, it's gold.
"I ain't gettin'
on no plane."

"I wanna step back, kiss myself.
I ain't gettin' on no plane."
That's james brown.

You'll be murdoch.
And dave, you'll be face.

- and what do we do?
- you lot stay 'ere,
and we all hide..

And blend into
the natural habitat.
[ Owl hooting ]

Then, when it gets dark,
me will make the secret signal.

* [ Imitating Hip-hop ]

[ Imitating DJ. Scratching ]
*Fresh, Fresh, Fresh, Fresh
A'ight *

- let's go!
-At that point, you will
tune in all your radios...

To the baddest
speed garage station,

and crank up the volume
to the max!

This will bring out the guards.

And at that point,
we will use ourcunning
to overpower them.

- bundle!
- [ Screaming ]

* [ Rap, Indistinct ]

[ Phone ringing ]

- sir?
- what the hell's going on?

I'm sure it's nothing to
worry about, sir. But I've
sent some men out to check.

Well, see that you do.
I want maximum security.
Patrol the house.

[ Ali ]
The great hall is exactly like
the one in lara croft's house.

You know, in "tomb raider ii"
On playstation.

So, dave,
if you run at the pillar,

that will take us through
to the underwater kingdom,
and onto the next level.

[ Banging head, grunting ]

If for some reason
that don't work,

we must find a way to cross
the touch-sensitive floor.

If we lift our feet at all,
we're dead.

[ Mechanical, raspy voice ]
*Break Dance
Electric boogie break dance *

*Electric Boogie Break Dance
Electric boogie break dance *

*Break It Off

Nothing.
We'll keep on looking.

[ Ali ] next stop,
we's got to go through
the laser room.

Dave, you'll use
your special skills
to help us through.

-[ dave coughs ]
- remember, if we break
any of these beams,

it will set the alarms off--
so extra careful.

Now, let's do it.

*This Is The Funk
Now hit me *

*Just Get On Down
And hit me *

*Their Bodies Gettin'
So funky, now hit me *

* [ SAMPLE: Kraftwerk,
"Trans-europe express" ]

*You Gotta Rock It
Don't stop it *

*You Gotta Rock It
Don't stop it *

*You Gotta Rock It
Don't stop it *

*You Gotta Rock It
Don't stop *
This must be the PM.'s office.

The tape
is in there.

Intruders in my office.
This is a terrorist attack.

Shoot on sight.
Repeat, shoot on sight.

The safe!
No, the safe.
Yeah, safe, man.

[ Ali ]
Yeah, I is safe, man.
Open it up. No, the safe.

Yeah, man.
I is feeling fine.
I told you.

[ Ricky ]
The safe, the safe.
Yeah, man, I's safe.

[ High, squeaky voice ]
Behind you!

Hold on.
I thought you couldn't speak.

[ Squeaking ]
It's not really that.
It's just I've always been...

Terribly embarrassed
about my voice.

All right.
Don't go on about it.

Stop givin' it
"all that."

Now, if me can just
interrupt your life story
for one second.

[ Pretending to yawn ]
Let's tie these geezers up,

and get that
safe open, hmm?
Safe.

[ Sighs ]
No.

I got it.
Why don't we link up
the batteries...

Of all the cars outside
here, and then transfer
the electrical current...

Through a human chain,
and blow this mother open!

But won't we get
"electrical-o-cooted"?

We'll blow the batteries,
but we won't get fried,

long as the chain don't break,
'cause we're all wearin'
rubber-soled trainers.

- trust me, man, I got
a "d" in physics.
- wicked. I'll text 'em.

- [ Beeping ]
- [ Beeping ]

- "b--"?
- no, "b-8-2-rez."

"Be-attories"?
Batteries!

"2-Ger-4,"
Two-gef-for?
Together!

Me was tryin'
to save time.
Bumbaclot.

Switch on the engine.
Pass it on.

[ High voice ]
Switch on the engine.
Pass it on.

[ Laughs ] your voice.
[ Whispers ] switch on
the engine. Pass it on.

[ Passing it on ]

Bitch on a pension.
Suck my dong.

- what? Should I
turn the engine on?
- yeah.

[ Starting engines ]

*This Is The Funk
Now hit me *

*Just Get On Down
And hit me *

What is you doin'?
I can't help it.
I'm bein' pulled!

No!

[ Choir ]
*Be Our Saviors

[ Laughing ]
Bo, bo, bo! Yes!

We up on the a-team!

- peace, man.
- peace, "bredrin."

Ali! Ali!

Fuckin' hell!
The tape ain't here!

What you talkin'
about, willis?
Well, look for yourself.

All it is is some...
Photographs...

And this, uh,
map of staines.

Jah rastafari
haile selassie I-and-i!

Dey's extendin'
heathrow airport.
That means...

They's gonna
destroy staines!

And they's startin' in...
Three hours.

Two hours, fifty-seven
minutes, to be precise.

Why is you got to
build this terminal
over staines?

Because I have bought
600 acres of land there.
Can I have those, please?

Now, don't try escaping
from here, because this room
doubles as a nuclear bunker.

It is completely impenetrable
to the outside world.

[ Inhales, sighs ]
And I've forgotten
to put on the air supply.

Why don't you just nip
outside now and stick it on?

Do you know, you really are
unbelievably stupid.

[ Beeps ]

Oi! Knob-end!

- what?
- gimme them plans.

Or what?
Or nipple cripple,
that's what.

[ Grunting, breathing hard ]

Chinese burn!

[ Sobbing ]

You hit me on the nose,
you fuckin' nutcase!

I ain't bein' funny,
but you should look
behind you.

Uh, because there's like
a thousand police officers
behind you--

look behind you.
There's jennifer lopez!

What? You want to bone him
right this second, 'cause
you is feelin' so horny...

That if you don't
get it now--

look, there's 20 squid
on the floor.

There is a squirrel,
with the head of a chicken,

and with, like, wings
and everything.

There's ju--
[ Sighs deeply ]

Is you gonna hit me again?
Mm-hmm.

Now I'm going to shoot you.

Booyakasha!

[ Groans ]

This is from
the people of staines.

[ Passing gas
quietly, then loudly ]

Ooh. I think
I followed through.

[ Beeping ]
Me julie, you there?

Me know what you must
think of me.

I been a piece
of knob cheese.

But me got to save staines,
and me can't do it on me own,

and--
and I shat meself.

Shit.
Ricky and dave!

- ricky?
- [ Panting ]

We thought if we was gonna die,
we might as well give it a go.

- well, what's it like?
- it's not bad, you know.

- dave?
- [ High voice ]
Quite nice, actually.

We'll talk about this later.
Now we got to save staines.

Two minutes.
See you in the car?

All right. Be quick.
The feds is comin'.

- and you don't want
to finish up inside.
- well--

[ Me julie ]
Save our center!
Save our center!

Hold on tight,
we gotta delay 'em.

Leave 'em alone, you pigs!
They're senile!

Send it in.
Send it in.

I wouldn't do that
if I was you.

Ali!
I love you!

Julie!

- hello.
- ignore them
and start the demolition.

Wait!
Don't listen to him!
He's a criminal.

And not even the good kind,
that sell drugs or do drive-bys.

I is got proof here
that he is tryin'
to destroy staines.

So what?
It's a shithole.

- arrest them.
- oh, shit!

We's goin' to jail.
Every day for
the next twenty years,

we is gonna get
bummed in the showers.
[ Siren wailing ]

- hold it. Release him.
-Under what authority?

In case you forgot,
I am the acting prime minister.

You are the disgraced one.
[ Car door slamming ]

Disgraced by you.
And this tape proves it.

- kate--
- no, david.

When I first entered politics,
it was to create a better world.

A world of honesty,
integrity and truth.

But somewhere along the way,
that vision was lost.

My dream was tarnished,
and instead, I discovered
greed, avarice and--

bo-ring!
[ Yawning ]

Arrest him.

Enjoy your life
with this fool.

You two deserve
each other.
Piss off.

- oh, nice!
- and you can rest assured, ali,

we're not gonna build
terminal five over staines.

We're gonna demolish
slough instead.

Wicked. As of right
now, I'm gonna need
a new deputy prime minister.

How would you feel
about being my
right-hand man?

[ Laughing ]
Right-hand man!
Batty boy, batty boy!

What do you say, ali?

I's shown you the way.

You will have to carry on
the journey by yourself, now.

As for me, I is gonna
stick with me posse.

And me bi--

me lady.

Ahem, "hactually,"
There is one thing
you could do for me.

* [ Reggae ]

This way, ambassador.

*Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Yea
I'm Mr. Reggae ambassador *

Your crop is ready
for inspection.

Bo.
*I'm Mr. Reggae Ambassador

*Hey, Me Play Me Reggae Music
In any condition *

*Drop It In A Style
Drop it in a fashion *

-*Everywhere I go
- good morning, ambassador.

Ambassador, will you
try the harvest?

*Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Yea
I'm Mr. Reggae ambassador *

*Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Yea
I'm Mr. Reggae ambassador *

*Ah, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Yea
I'm Mr. Reggae ambassador *

This...
Is good shit.

The man from staines,
he say yes!

*This Is How We Do It

*This Is How We Do It

- ice, please?
- huh!
[ Popping ]

Ali, this is
a great jacuzzi.

That...
Ain'ta jacuzzi.

*It's Friday Night
Sorry.

*And I Feel All Right

*The Party's Here
On the westside *

*So I Reach For My 40
And I turn it up *

*Designated Driver
Take the keys to my truck *

*Hit The Shore
'Cause I'm faded *

*Honeys In The Street Say
Monty, oh, we made it *

*It Feels So Good
In my 'hood tonight *
* [ Bongoes, Bass Drum ]

*The Summertime Skirts
And the guys in kani *

*All The Gang-bangers
Forgot about the drive-bys *

*You Gotta Get Your Groove On
Before you go get paid *

Bring her in.

*Throw Your Hands Up
And let me hear
the party say *

Dance for me, bitch.

*This Is How We Do It
*South Central Does It
Like nobody does *

*This Is How We Do It

*To All My Neighbors
You got much flava *

*This Is How We Do It

*Let's Flip The Track
Bring the old school back *
*This Is How We Do It

-*I'm kinda buzzed
- me julie.

Me got something
to ask you.

[ Giggling ]
Will you make me...

The happiest man
in the world?

Yeah, I will.
[ Giggling ]
Let me shag her, then.

*This Is How We Do It
In a UK. Vibe *

*This Is How We Do It
Come on, sue, to the floor
and sabrina to the mic *

*This Is How We Do It

*This Is How We Do It
It's friday night *

*And I Feel All Right

*Party's Here On The Westside

So, what did you think
of the film?

It weren't bad,
was it?

It was easily better
than harry potter,

which me thought
was very childish.

If you is watchin' this,
potter, I's better than you.

You probably ain't even
slept with a girl.

I's slept with three.

And I got one of 'em
to play with herself.

Anyways, whatever
you thought of this film,

please tell your mates
that it waswicked.

'Cause if this flops,

me won't be able to get
me nan a new hip.

So the choice is yours.
No pressure.

Come here, nan, and
tell them about it.

What? You is
fallin' over again?

What, you done
the other one in as well?

Don't cry there,
all mashed up,
a lump of bones.

Me will get you the cash
to make it better.

Somehow.

Don't be selfish.

Buy the merchandise
and all.

*Ali G

*Shaggy

*Last Time, Babylon You
A ride, now yeah, you man *

*A To The L To The I
To the g-issey *
*Ali G

*J To The U
To the L-i-e-issey *
*Julie

*S To The H
To the a double g-issey, y *
*Shaggy

*Rude Boys Get Busy

*I Need A Cure
For this thing I'm feelin' *

*Shaggy Need Some
Sexual healin' *

*I Want To Reach
And touch the ceilin' *

*When I'm Knobbin'
My julie *

*Me Am The King
Of the late-night dealin' *

*Worse Now, It's Just
A piece I'm stealing *

*Safe Sex
It's just a lover believin' *

*When I'm Loggin' My Julie

*Julie, Truly
*You Know Me Love-a You

*From My Head Down To My
*Goolie

*Uh, Uh
*Woman, You Turn Me On
With your big babylons *

*Julie, Truly
*You Got To Treat Her

*When Me Touch You With Me
*Goolie

[ Ali ]
*Hey, Mr. Shaggy
Me can rap too *

*Yo, Yo, Yo
[ Ali ]
*You Is Better Than J.lo

*Sexy You, She's Just A Minger
Fit as destiny's child *

*Well, Apart From
The lead singer *

*You's Fitter
Than the spice girls
including the ginger *

*Give It A Shake
'Cause me wanna be in ya *

*They Was Claimin' That
Our love was wrong, uh *

*The People Just Stared
And said it was too long *

*But It Ain't A Crime
To have a 12-inch *

*A What
*Dong, Da-dong, Dong-dong

*Julie, Julie
*You Know Me Love-a You

*From My Head Down To My
*Goolie

*Woman You Turn Me On
With your big babylons *
*Hey Yo, Hey Yo

*Me Julie, Truly
*You Got To Sweet Talk

*That's Right
*When Me Touch You
To me goolie *

*But You Turn Me On
With your big babylons *

*Whoa
*This Is How We Do It
In a UK. Vibe *

*This Is How We Do It
*Ha, It's The Mis-teeq
Mis-teeq, mis-teeq *

*This Is How We Do It

*This Is How We Do It
It's friday night *

*And I Feel All Right

*Party's Here On The Westside

*So I Reach For My 40
And I turn it up *

*Designated Driver
Turn the key to my truck *

*Hit The Shore
'Cause I'm faded *

*Guys In The Street Say
Girls, oh, you made it *

*It Feels So Good
In my 'hood tonight *

*The Summertime Skirts
And the guys in kani *

*All The Gang-bangers
Forgot about the drive-bys *

*You Gotta Get Your Groove On
Before you're gonna get paid *

*So Tip Up Your Cup
And throw your hands up *

*And Let Me Hear
The party say *

*I'm Kinda Buzzed
And it's all because *

*This Is How We Do It

*South Central Does It
Like nobody does *

*This Is How We Do It

*To All My Neighbors
You got much flava *

*This Is How We Do It

*So Flip The Track
Bring the old school back *

*This Is How We Do It

*Oh, I'm Buzzin' Because

*This Is How We Do It

*South Central Does It
Like nobody does *
*This Is How We Do It

*L-o-n-d-o-n

*This Is How We Do It

*I'll Never Come Back
On an old school track *

*This Is How We Do It
*Check It Out

* [ Rap, Indistinct ]

*But I'm Buzzin' Because
*This Is How We Do It

*South Central Does It
Like nobody does *
*This Is How We Do It

*L-o-n-d-o-n

*This Is How We Do It

*I Never Come Back
On an old school track *

*This Is How We Do It

*I'm Kinda Buzzed
And it's all because *
*This Is How We Do It

*South Central Does It
Like nobody does *
*This Is How We Do It

*All My Neighbors
You got much flava *
*This Is How We Do It

*So, Flip The Track
Bring the old school back *
*This Is How We Do It

*This Is How We Do It
*This Is How We Do It

*Mis Teeq Does It
Like nobody does *
*This Is How We Do It

*All My Neighbors
You got much flava *
*This Is How We Do It

*And We'll Never Come Back
On an old school track *
*This Is How We Do It