All language subtitles for Everybody.Hates.Chris.S04E08.Everybody.Hates.Big.Bird.DVDRip.XviD-SAiNTS

( funky theme playing )

Got a little
something for you.

Man, she is a fly.

Not a fly, isfly.
She's fly.

I just wish I knew what to do
to get a girl like her.

Easy. Be a guy like him.

CHRIS:
In high school, you learned
that the type of girl you are

determines the type of guy
you go out with.

Nerdy girls hang out
with nerdy guys,

smart girls hang out
with smart guys

and dumb girls hang out
with jocks.

Ladies.

And then there are the girls

that didn't hang out
with anybody

and the guys that made fun
of them.

We were those guys,
and she was that girl.

Man, look at that.

She looks like
her family gave

the baby back
and kept the stork.

Her name is Kelly,
but everybody

calls her "Big Bird."

Hey, Big Bird.
Yo, Big Bird.

What's up, Big Bird?

( laughing )

What'd have to go wrong for you
to end up with a girl like that?

It's like being
on ThePlanet of The Apes,

and all the apes said, "No."

( laughs )

I didn't have anything
against Big Bird,

and unfortunately for me,

she didn't have anything
against me either.

You're Chris, right?

Yeah.

I've seen you around,

and I really think
you're kinda cute.

Do you want to hang out
sometime?

No!

Sure.

Where's an ape
when you need one?

( funky hip-hop theme playing )

* Oh, make it funky now *

While Big Bird was trying
to get with me,

Greg was trying
to get the lowdown.

Dude, did I see you talking
to Big Bird yesterday?

Shh! Yeah, she asked me out.

She's, like, the goofiest girl

this side of Roseanne
Roseannadanna. What'd you say?

I told her yeah.

Why?

'Cause she asked.

Girls don't ask me out
all the time.

Yeah, that's the beauty
of the situation.

You had a chance to boost
your low self-esteem

by turning someone else
down for a change.

Yeah, but when the girl asks,
you don't just say no.

Plus, my dad said never to hurt
a girl's feelings.

Besides, they don't
take rejection well.

How are they gonna learn
if they don't get any practice?

Attractive girls don't
take rejection well.

Girls like Big Bird,
they're used to it.

You know what?
Fine. It's done.

I'm gonna go out
with her once.

Trust me. I'm gonna
make sure we don't have fun,

so she doesn't want
to go out again.

I usually did that
without trying.

While I was betting
I could get rid of Big Bird,

Vanessa was betting big
on the Jets.

Here you go.
Sorry it took so long.

Five weeks,
you should be sorry.

You should have saved
your money.

I told you the Jets
were gonna win.

Vanessa, you gonna get enough
of this gambling,

I keep trying to tell you.

No, this is a sure thing.

The New York Jets have been
on a winning streak

like you've never seen.

They just got lucky.

I'll bet you
they don't win next week.

The Giants play the Jets?

No, they're just both
on winning streaks.

Wait a minute. This is
the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Your team is winning
and your team is winning,

but you both figured out
a way to lose money on it.

Well, all I know is
the Giants are gonna lose

before the Jets.

I'll tell you what. If the
Giants lose before the Jets,

the barbershop will pay
for you ladies

to have a night out
on the town.

Oh-oh, well, start saving.

But what if we win?

That-- That is not
going to happen.

Since it's not gonna happen,
say anything.

Buy everybody a new car.

Cook dinner for all the men
for a month.

Better yet,
go out with Kill Moves.

All right,
little Miss Naysayer,

I'll do that.

If we lose, I'll go out
with Kill Moves.

Ha!

While Vanessa bet on the Jets,
I had a date with a giant.

Hey, Chris.

Is that what
you had on earlier?

No, I had an accident
and I needed to change.

An accident? What happened?

Oh, I didn't make it
to the bathroom in time,

so I to get something
from lost-and-found.

Wow, that's crazy.

It looks good on you,
though.

It makes you look edgy.

Even though my bad clothes
didn't seem to work,

there was more bad stuff
to come: bad food.

I never heard
of this place.

Yeah, everything they serve
is from stuff

that other people
didn't finish eating.

After the bad food,
there was a bad movie.

What's this called?

Leonard Part V.

Nipsy Russell's best movie.

They're doing a sequel
with Bill Cosby.

MAN ( on-screen ):
Stop you guys
from committing a crime.

CHRIS:
After the bad movie,
we took a bad walk.

Hey, little dude on a date,
let me hold all your money!

Chris, come back!

No!

The only date worse than me
was Phil Spector.

While I was running
for my life,

Vanessa was running
her game down.

Listen up now, everybody.

Now, we all in this together.

So if we gonna win this thing,

then we got
to get our mojo working.

Mojo?

Is that what
we're depending on, mojo?

Well, what about the stats,
the line, the over, the under?

What about the odds? The spread,
the angle, the handicap?

What about the hook,
the hot game?

You know, the rundown,
the system?

What about a tout, the trends?

What about a wiseguy? Everybody
needs a wiseguy.

Rochelle,

I'll have you know

I have a very precise system
that's worked for nine months.

Really? What is it?

Every time the Jets win,
I use my green toothbrush.

Four out of five dentists
think she's crazy.

And I pluck three mole hairs
before every game.

And I been eating
two chicken-fried bananas

before every game.

Just two?

Well, I don't know
what you want me to do.

What do you normally do
during the game?

Well, other than serving beer
and chips, I'm usually ironing.

Did you do that week two
when the Jets lost?

Now, how am I supposed to know
what week is what

in your mojo world?

Think, Rochelle,
this is important.

Remember,
I lost all that money

and you gave me that lecture
on "gambling is evil."

That's when Julius burnt
my shirt.

Giants win 20 to 7,
Jet's lose 20 to 6.

( sniffing )

Julius, my shirt!

What do you mean, you lost $30?

And every week after that,
I've been ironing.

And every week the Jets
have been winning,

so I don't care
what you do on Monday.

You make sure you iron
those clothes.

Mm-hmm.

Before ESPN, people had their
own roundtable discussions

by sitting around a table
and discussing.

So the girls at the beauty shop
made a bet

against the guys
at the barbershop.

It's silly, but the guys
are rooting for the Giants

and the girls are rooting
for the Jets.

That is silly. There's no way

the Jets are gonna continue
winning.

Oh, really?
What makes you an expert?

Because he's a man.

I watch football every week.

That's why I'm an expert.

So you saying I'm stupid?

This was not the first time

my parents had
this conversation.

It's too expensive.

So you saying
I'm not a good mother?

I just don't see what's funny
about a Volkswagen Beetle.

So you saying you never
should have married me?

That's not what I said.

That's what I said.

The Giants are gonna win
the Superbowl,

and Phil Simms is gonna
lead them to the promised land.

Right, Daddy?
That's right, sweetie.

You're crazy.

Wesley Walker and Al Toon
are having record years.

The Jets are going
to the Superbowl.

Ain't that right, Mom?

No doubt about it.

Tonya's right.

The Giants are unbeatable.

All right, Julius,
I'll tell you what.

I hate betting, but since
you want to run your mouth,

and call me names,
if the Giants lose

before the Jets do, you and
little Miss That's What I Said

have to clean up
after everybody else

for a month.

And if the Jets lose
before the Giants,

you and Drew have to do it.

You have a bet.

All right.
You're gonna lose.

Since we had gotten off
to a bad start,

I was praying for a bad finish.

That was so funny
when you ran away. You're fast.

You thought that was funny?

You didn't see
what it looked like.

Besides,
that guy didn't scare me.

He didn't?

No, I could see his thumb

sticking out of his gun pocket.

Didn't he take all your money?

No, he didn't.
I keep my money in my bra.

All he got was some eye drops
and some rash cream.

Eye drops and rash cream? Damn!

Little dude owes me a dollar.

After all I did
to make things go wrong,

I never would have bet
that things with Kelly

would be going so right.

( both sigh )

Well, that was great.

Yeah, that was cool.

Well, I better get home.

Yeah, me, too.

Everyone called Kelly
"Big Bird,"

but call me cuckoo:

I was actually
starting to like her.

That kiss from Big Bird
made me feel like Superfly.

While I was flying
with Big Bird,

my father wanted
the Jets to crash.

I need the Jets to lose.

We're doing everything we can
to put the mojo on the Jets.

I'm wearing my lucky socks.

I ain't eating nothing
but bananas and peanut butter.

I'm gonna call 'em up
and I'm gonna threaten 'em.

What about you, Julius?

What did you do
the last time the Jets lost?

It was weird
'cause I remember I was ironing

because the Giants won
20 to 7

and the Jets lost 20 to 6,

and I remember thinking, "That's
one extra point worth of loss."

Well, you know what that means.

You need to iron on Monday.

ALL:
Yeah!

Keeping my relationship
with Big Bird a secret

was easy for the most part.

Turns out,

the person I had the most
trouble hiding it from was her.

I hid it during school.

I hid it before school.

( Soft Cell's
"Tainted Love" playing )

I even kept it hidden
after school.

* Get away from the pain *

* You're driving
To the heart of me *

What are you looking for,
Tender Love?

The Giants had won
their fifth game in a row,

and Tonya was counting on the
Jets' winning streak to end.

You better pick that up.

I'm not picking it up.
You got to pick it up.

And then you're gonna have to
clean the rest of the house.

We'll see about that.

Kelly didn't realize that I was
avoiding being seen with her.

She just thought I was the
greatest phone boyfriend ever.

I guess my favorite rappers
are Run-DMC.

I love Salt n' Pepa.

My favorite character from the
Rocky movies is Clubber Lang.

I love Captain Drago.

And I jumped off the top stairs,
started flying

and landed on
the Mary Jane Girls.

I had the exact same dream
except I landed on Rick James.

About the only thing
we didn't talk about

is when
we'd get together again.

So when do you want
to do something again?

12th of never?

Um, there's a football game
on today.

Maybe we could watch that.

Oh, my place or yours?

I prefer a secluded town
on the outskirts of nowhere.

Um, I was thinking
somewhere different.

Uh, where?

Let it-- Let it be my surprise.

Julius, did you see my...?

Hey, Rochelle.

You ready for the Jets game?

( grunting )

You no good, low-down--

Those are words
you can't say on TV.

--dirty, good-for-nothing.

T-t-to sneak down here and...

What's wrong with you?

I'm just doing the ironing.

( yells )

I can't
believe this!

Good thing she wasn't
near the toaster.

MAN ( on TV ):
Jets lose to Miami, 45...

( cheering )

While my mother was
going to kill my father,

Nessa was going
on a date with Kill Moves.

I liked seeing Kelly,
but I made sure to do it

where no one
I knew would see us.

That was a great game.

What made you think of coming
to the Port Authority?

Just thought it'd be different.

This is cool.

You want to watch
something else?

Sure.

Meanwhile, my mother
had a giant problem

with the Jets losing.

Start cleaning, Drew.

You sit back down,
Drew.

You're not cleaning up anything.

What are you
talking about?

I'm not talking to you.

You wanna play dirty,
stay dirty.

My father won a bet,
but he was about to lose a war.

( laughing ):
We won!

Back at school, the early bird
was about to get the worm.

Surprise! I found you.

Kelly.

Yeah, you did find me.

Um...

what are you doing here?

I wanted to see you.

It's like I never see you
around school anymore.

It's like I have to
hunt you down.

I'm almost starting to think
that you're trying to avoid me.

Oh. What gave you that idea?

You.

I'm just kidding.

Well, you know,
I'm kind of busy,

so catch you later.

Okay.

I get it. No girls
in the locker room, right?

Yeah.

Well, I just wanted

to give you something
before I go.

What's that?

Hey!
It's Big Bird.

Hey, were's Bert
and Ernie?

I guess that makes you
Snuffleupagus?

No, it makes him
Roosevelt Franklin.

( laughing )

Cookie?

Cookie! Cookie!

( boys laughing )

Who are they making fun of?

They obviously watch
a lot of Sesame Street.

Chris, aren't you gonna
say something?

Or are you just gonna
stand there and watch?

Stand here and watch.

Fine.

Now I know how you really feel.

( boys jeering )

What's up?

Where you going?

Don't fall over.

While I was trying
to figure out

how to deal with Big Bird,

Vanessa was getting prepared
to deal with Kill Moves.

Good evening, ladies.

Kill Moves?
Where'd you get the car?

I don't know.

It belongs to his mother,
Mrs. Devereaux.

Wow. You learn something new
every day.

Where's Vanessa?

Uh, this is me.

Where's that woman
you was just with?

Um...

Just explain
when you get in the car.

Go, go, go.

Have a good time.

I think.

While Vanessa took care
of her end of the bet,

at home, all bets were off.

Dinner is served.

Rochelle,
this has gotta stop.

It never would have started
if you never cheated.

Cheated? I never cheated.

Oh, really? So out of the blue,
you just decided

that you wanted to iron?

Well, no.

You no-good, low-down,
dirty little--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What does me ironing
have to do with me cheating?

Because Ialways do the ironing

and every time I iron,
the Jets win.

But no, you had to go
steal my mojo

and ruin our nine-game
winning streak.

What?!

I didn't know ironing
was your thing, too.

The guys told me to iron again,
and I just did it.

Really?

Yeah. I play fair.

Oh.

Well, me and Drew
will clean upstairs,

and you and Tonya
will clean downstairs.

Don't touch me.

My father made things right
with my mother.

Now I needed to make things
right with my Bird.

Hey, Dad,
I need to talk to you.

What's up?

Well, there's this girl.

And she likes me.

That's good.

And I really like her.

That's better.

The only thing is,

she's a little awkward-looking.

Awkward?

Like she has one leg
longer than the other?

No.

Like she dislocated her shoulder

and they put it back wrong?

No.

Like her eyes are too far apart?

No.

Like she's knock-kneed
and pigeon-toed,

and when she walks
she makes a clicking sound?

No.

It's just that these
football players

were calling her Big Bird
and stuff and...

I didn't really do
anything about it.

Chris, even if a girl's eyes
are too far apart,

I thought I told you never
to hurt a girl's feelings.

I know.

No, obviously you don't.

You think she'll forgive me?

I don't know. You'll have to
work that out with her.

Even if a girl's eyes
are too far apart.

I realized my mistake,

and Vanessa realized
that going out with Kill Moves

wasn't a mistake at all.

You were out all night?

Oh, girl,
that's just the start of it.

We opened the champagne,
headed for the seaport.

There was a pinkhelicopter
waiting for me.

You can hear about the rest
of Vanessa's date

at www.vanessa'sbigdate
withkillmoves.tv

After I gave Big Bird
the cold shoulder,

I thought she flew the coop.

You haven't seen her?
No, dude.

( Tears for Fears'
"Head Over Heels" playing )

* I wanted to be
With you alone *

* And talk about the weather *

* I'm lost in admiration,
Did I need you this much? *

* Oh, you're wasting my time *

* You're just, just
Just wasting time *

* Something happens
And I'm head over heels *

* I never find out till
I'm head over heels *

* Something happens
And I'm head over heels *

* Ah, don't take my heart,
Don't break my heart *

* Don't, don't
Don't throw it away *

* Throw it away *

* Throw it away *

You look amazing.

I know. I decided
I wasn't going to let you

or anyone else crush me,

so my mom took me to the mall
for a makeover.

BOY:
Big Bird,

is that you?

My name is not Big Bird.

It's Kelly.

I'm sorry about what happened.
It's just--

It's just you were fine
going out with me

so long as nobody knew,

because you didn't want to be
Big Bird's boyfriend?

Exactly!

No...

Let me make it up to you.
Let me take you out again.

No. Never. Het. Noya--

Unfortunately for me,
Kelly spoke 15 languages.

--Jo. Cuwa. Momo. Tla.

Was that Cherokee?

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

What?!

Kelly, I was a jerk.

I know.
And as much as I'd like

to come here every day
and make you suffer,

I'm going to Paris tomorrow.

Paris?

That's right, Paris.

I met a lady at the mall
named Cindy Crawford,

and she said she's going
to turn me into a supermodel.

I'm sorry.

I bet you are.

But imagine how sorry
you're going to be

when I turn around
and walk away.

See you later, Kermit.

( onlookers murmuring )

Tonight's episode
was brought to you

by the letters D-A-M and N!

* Everybody hates Chris *

( funky hip-hop theme playing )

* Oh, make it funky now *