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1
00:00:02,590 --> 00:00:04,090
( upbeat piano theme playing )
2
00:00:06,590 --> 00:00:08,590
So you got everything
under control?
3
00:00:08,590 --> 00:00:12,600
Joey, Joey, for the fifth time,
I got everything covered, man.
4
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:15,600
FAA reports, monthly bills,
flight logs.
5
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:18,600
Go on your date, have yourself a
good time, that's why I'm here.
6
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:20,100
All right, okay.
7
00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:22,110
You know, I have to admit,
I had some doubts about
8
00:00:22,110 --> 00:00:24,610
this partnership thing at first,
but it really is working out,
9
00:00:24,610 --> 00:00:25,610
thanks partner.
10
00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:27,110
Hey, no problem, partner.
11
00:00:30,610 --> 00:00:31,620
Ready to go?
12
00:00:31,620 --> 00:00:32,620
Yep.
13
00:00:34,620 --> 00:00:35,620
Same deal as last week?
14
00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:37,120
Cash in advance?
You got it.
15
00:00:43,630 --> 00:00:45,630
Same deal as last week?
16
00:00:45,630 --> 00:00:47,630
Yep. Half cheese,
half pepperoni.
17
00:01:01,650 --> 00:01:02,650
Morning.
18
00:01:02,650 --> 00:01:03,650
Morning, Fay.
Morning, Fay.
19
00:01:03,650 --> 00:01:05,650
Have you heard of
this phenomenon where
20
00:01:05,650 --> 00:01:07,650
you think of somebody,
and then the phone rings
21
00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:08,650
and it's them?
22
00:01:08,650 --> 00:01:09,650
Oh yeah.
23
00:01:09,650 --> 00:01:11,160
Well, this morning
I was thinking about
24
00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,160
my old friend Delores,
and guess who called?
25
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,160
You old friend Delores.
26
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,160
No, my old friend Betty.
27
00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:20,660
Well, Fay,
you must be psychic.
28
00:01:20,660 --> 00:01:22,670
Uh, do you know what
I'm thinking right now?
29
00:01:22,670 --> 00:01:23,670
No.
30
00:01:23,670 --> 00:01:25,170
Oh, good.
31
00:01:25,170 --> 00:01:27,170
Well, anyway, Betty called
to find out
32
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:28,670
if she could give out
my phone number.
33
00:01:28,670 --> 00:01:31,680
It seems someone called her
looking for Fay Schlob,
34
00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:33,180
and he wouldn't say why
he was calling,
35
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,180
so she didn't
give it to him.
36
00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:35,180
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
37
00:01:35,180 --> 00:01:39,180
Fay, your maiden name
was Schlob?
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00:01:39,180 --> 00:01:41,690
I'm not ashamed. I come from
a long line of Schlobs.
39
00:01:42,690 --> 00:01:44,690
In fact, there was
a Schlob on the Mayflower.
40
00:01:44,690 --> 00:01:47,190
Mmm, that's right, 'cause at
the first Thanksgiving,
41
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:49,690
he was the pilgrim who kept
saying, "Pull my finger."
42
00:01:52,700 --> 00:01:55,200
Well, it just so happens,
that I come from
43
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:58,200
very humble,
hard-working stock.
44
00:01:58,200 --> 00:01:59,700
Yeah. Just a bunch of
poor Schlobs.
45
00:02:01,710 --> 00:02:02,710
( phone rings )
46
00:02:02,710 --> 00:02:03,710
Excuse me.
47
00:02:06,210 --> 00:02:08,710
Uh, Alex, you have to help me.
48
00:02:08,710 --> 00:02:11,720
Last night, I'm watching
Gone with the Wind.
49
00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,720
Near the end of the movie,
Rhett is at the door.
50
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:19,220
He looks back, and he says,
"Frankly, Scarlett,"
51
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:21,730
and then, suddenly,
I lost the channel.
52
00:02:21,730 --> 00:02:23,730
What does he tell her?
53
00:02:23,730 --> 00:02:24,730
I don't give a damn.
54
00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:28,230
Sorry to have bothered you.
55
00:02:29,230 --> 00:02:31,240
No, no, no,
that's the line,
56
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:32,740
that's what Rhett said
to Scarlett.
57
00:02:32,740 --> 00:02:34,740
Sounds like you got
a reception problem.
58
00:02:34,740 --> 00:02:37,240
I know exactly what you need.
59
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,240
I got a guy can fix you up
for 50 bucks.
60
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:40,750
Fifty dollars?
61
00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:44,250
Uh, that's a lot of money for me
just to watch TV.
62
00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:45,250
Yeah, it's not like
you don't have
63
00:02:45,250 --> 00:02:46,750
plenty of other things to do.
64
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:48,750
Send him over.
65
00:02:51,260 --> 00:02:52,760
How about you, Lambert?
66
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,260
Everything okay
over at your house?
67
00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:58,760
I'd be glad to come over
and give you whatever you need.
68
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:01,270
Roy, if you ever set foot
in my house,
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00:03:01,270 --> 00:03:03,770
the only thing I'll need
is an alibi.
70
00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:09,270
Well, this is turning out
to be quite a day,
71
00:03:09,270 --> 00:03:11,280
I just got a phone call
from another old friend.
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00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:13,780
Seems someone called
looking for Fay Dumbly.
73
00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:17,780
Uhh... I'm sorry,
Fay Dumbly?
74
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:20,780
It was my first husband's
last name.
75
00:03:20,780 --> 00:03:23,790
You married a man named Dumbly
and took his name?
76
00:03:25,290 --> 00:03:26,790
Don't forget,
she was a Schlob.
77
00:03:28,790 --> 00:03:31,300
Now, that's not a very nice
thing to say.
78
00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:34,300
I mean, who among us
hasn't stood at a salad bar
79
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:35,800
and missed the sneeze guard?
80
00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:41,310
That's the second call
I've gotten today
81
00:03:41,310 --> 00:03:42,810
about somebody looking for me.
82
00:03:42,810 --> 00:03:45,310
You don't think I should be
afraid, do you?
83
00:03:45,310 --> 00:03:48,810
Ah, Fay, remember in
the immortal words
84
00:03:48,810 --> 00:03:50,310
of Franklin Roosevelt:
85
00:03:50,310 --> 00:03:52,320
"You have nothing to fear
but fear itself."
86
00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:53,820
Thank you, Lowell.
87
00:03:53,820 --> 00:03:57,320
And a crazed loony, coming after
you hell-bent on revenge.
88
00:03:58,320 --> 00:03:59,820
Ah, good luck with it.
89
00:04:05,830 --> 00:04:07,330
( whistling )
90
00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:09,830
Good morning, ladies.
91
00:04:09,830 --> 00:04:10,830
Hey.
Morning.
92
00:04:10,830 --> 00:04:11,840
You seem happy today.
93
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:12,840
Oh, you bet I am.
94
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,840
Last night,
I got my antenna adjusted.
95
00:04:19,340 --> 00:04:21,850
Well, I've never quite heard
it phrased that way,
96
00:04:21,850 --> 00:04:22,850
but congratulations.
97
00:04:24,850 --> 00:04:27,850
No, no, no, I just mean...
98
00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:30,850
Roy's friend,
he fixed my TV reception.
99
00:04:30,850 --> 00:04:32,360
Oh.
100
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:33,860
Not only did he make
the picture clear,
101
00:04:33,860 --> 00:04:38,360
but suddenly, it's picking up
channels it never got before.
102
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:41,870
I just got done watching
a Farsi cooking show.
103
00:04:41,870 --> 00:04:42,870
Mwah.
104
00:04:44,370 --> 00:04:45,870
Antonio, don't you get it?
105
00:04:45,870 --> 00:04:47,870
I mean, Roy's guy
obviously hooked you into
106
00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:49,370
somebody else's cable.
107
00:04:49,370 --> 00:04:50,370
That's illegal.
Yep.
108
00:04:50,370 --> 00:04:52,380
Oh, I don't believe it.
109
00:04:52,380 --> 00:04:54,880
Even Roy would not
do something like that.
110
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,380
Hey, Scarpacci,
hear my friend paid you a visit.
111
00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:58,880
Yeah.
Where's my envelope?
112
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:03,390
Well, he did ask me
to give you this.
113
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:04,890
You mean?
114
00:05:04,890 --> 00:05:08,890
No, I got you 120 channels
out of the goodness of my heart.
115
00:05:08,890 --> 00:05:10,390
( laughs )
116
00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:15,900
I'm sorry I'm late,
I'm a little upset.
117
00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:17,400
Why, what's the matter?
118
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,400
Well, I got another
strange phone call last night.
119
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:22,410
This one was from my old
neighbor in Manhattan.
120
00:05:22,410 --> 00:05:24,410
It seems somebody showed up
at her door
121
00:05:24,410 --> 00:05:26,410
asking about a Fay DeVay.
122
00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:28,910
( chuckling ):
DeVay?
123
00:05:28,910 --> 00:05:30,910
Your name was DeVay?
You're kidding.
124
00:05:30,910 --> 00:05:34,420
No, it was my second husband
George's last name.
125
00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:36,920
Well, after Schlob and Dumbly,
that's DeVay I'd have gone.
126
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,920
Please don't start,
I've heard them all.
127
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,930
"Show me DeVay,"
"Do you go all DeVay?"
128
00:05:45,430 --> 00:05:46,930
And my personal favorite,
129
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:50,430
"Old soldiers never die,
they just Fay DeVay."
130
00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:51,440
( both laugh )
131
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:54,940
Well, it's all very amusing,
but I'd appreciate it
132
00:05:54,940 --> 00:05:56,940
if you'd take this
a little more seriously.
133
00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:58,440
I was up all night
worrying about it.
134
00:05:58,440 --> 00:05:59,440
Oh, look, we're sorry.
135
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:01,450
Come on, we'll get you something
to calm you down.
136
00:06:01,450 --> 00:06:02,950
Hey, Helen?
Fay needs a cup of tea.
137
00:06:02,950 --> 00:06:04,450
You know DeVay she likes it.
138
00:06:08,450 --> 00:06:09,450
What? What's going on?
139
00:06:09,450 --> 00:06:13,460
Well, Fay got another call
about someone tracking her down.
140
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:15,460
But that doesn't mean
there's anything to worry about.
141
00:06:15,460 --> 00:06:17,460
Yeah, it really doesn't.
I mean, just 'cause
142
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,460
someone's looking for you,
it could be anything.
143
00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:20,970
Maybe you opened a bank account
a long time ago
144
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:21,970
and forgot about it.
145
00:06:21,970 --> 00:06:23,470
That's right.
146
00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:25,470
Maybe somebody died
and left you a big inheritance.
147
00:06:25,470 --> 00:06:28,470
Maybe a long lost child
that you put up for adoption
148
00:06:28,470 --> 00:06:30,470
is looking for her
birth mother.
149
00:06:31,980 --> 00:06:35,480
If I gave birth to a child,
I think I'd know it.
150
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:36,980
Not necessarily.
151
00:06:38,980 --> 00:06:41,490
Adoption agencies are very tight
with that information.
152
00:06:45,490 --> 00:06:47,490
I'll go get you that tea.
153
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:49,490
Well, I just
can't help feeling
154
00:06:49,490 --> 00:06:51,500
that someone out there
is stalking me.
155
00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:54,500
Fay, Brian and I are not gonna
let anything happen to you.
156
00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:55,500
You're like family.
157
00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:56,500
Absolutely.
158
00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:57,500
And just keep that in mind
159
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,500
in case it does turn out
to be an inheritance.
160
00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:00,500
( phone rings )
161
00:07:02,010 --> 00:07:03,510
Sandpiper Air,
how can I help you?
162
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,010
Hey, Joe, this is Helen.
163
00:07:05,010 --> 00:07:07,510
See that guy standing over at
the Aeromass counter?
164
00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:08,510
He's been snooping around,
165
00:07:08,510 --> 00:07:10,010
asking everybody
if they know Fay.
166
00:07:10,010 --> 00:07:11,520
Thanks.
167
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,020
Fay... see that guy over there?
168
00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:17,020
He may be the one
who's looking for you.
169
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:18,520
Now, why don't you
slip out the back
170
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,020
and we'll keep him talking
and stall him.
171
00:07:24,530 --> 00:07:25,530
Excuse me.
172
00:07:25,530 --> 00:07:27,030
I'm looking for a...
173
00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:31,030
Fay Evelyn Schlob
Dumbly DeVay Cochran.
174
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:35,040
I don't know,
that's a pretty common name.
175
00:07:45,550 --> 00:07:47,050
Look, I'm
a private investigator.
176
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:49,050
I was hired to find
a Ms. Fay Cochran.
177
00:07:49,050 --> 00:07:52,060
I was told that
she works for Sandpiper.
178
00:07:52,060 --> 00:07:53,060
Well, why you looking for her?
179
00:07:53,060 --> 00:07:55,060
I'm not at liberty
to answer that.
180
00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:57,060
Who hired you?
181
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:59,560
I'm not at liberty
to answer that.
182
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:00,560
What's your name?
183
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,070
Or are you not at liberty
to answer that?
184
00:08:03,070 --> 00:08:04,070
Bob.
185
00:08:05,570 --> 00:08:09,570
So, Bob, you're
a private investigator, huh?
186
00:08:09,570 --> 00:08:12,580
Private eye, a gumshoe, shamus.
187
00:08:12,580 --> 00:08:15,080
Don't tell me, you live above
a bar that has a neon sign
188
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:17,580
that constantly flashes
the word "eats."
189
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,580
And everywhere you go, you hear
the sounds of a mournful sax.
190
00:08:19,580 --> 00:08:23,590
Yeah, and your girlfriend's
a hooker with a heart of gold.
191
00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,590
Look, I live in
a condo in Paramus,
192
00:08:25,590 --> 00:08:27,090
I only listen to
classical music,
193
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:29,590
and my girlfriend's
not a hooker.
194
00:08:29,590 --> 00:08:31,600
She's a massage therapist.
195
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:38,100
Helen, uhh, I'd like you
to meet Bob.
196
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:41,610
He's a PI who's trying to find
out if we know someone named--
197
00:08:41,610 --> 00:08:43,110
What was that name again?
198
00:08:43,110 --> 00:08:47,110
Fay Evelyn Schlob
Dumbly DeVay Cochran.
199
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:48,610
Could you be
a little more specific?
200
00:08:50,110 --> 00:08:51,620
Look, I really don't think
we have anyone
201
00:08:51,620 --> 00:08:54,620
named Fay Cochran
working here at Sandpiper.
202
00:08:54,620 --> 00:08:57,120
What are you saying, Joe?
203
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,620
You know Fay.
204
00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:01,130
You know her,
she's about yea big.
205
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:04,130
Lives at 205 Elm Street,
usually stands right behind
206
00:09:04,130 --> 00:09:05,630
this nameplate right here.
207
00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:07,630
All right, all right.
208
00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:09,130
I lied.
209
00:09:09,130 --> 00:09:11,640
I'm Fay...
210
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:15,140
something, something...
211
00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:16,140
DeSomething, Cochran.
212
00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:20,140
According to my records,
Ms. Cochran
213
00:09:20,140 --> 00:09:22,650
would be in her early '60s.
214
00:09:22,650 --> 00:09:24,650
I've had a lot of work done.
215
00:09:26,650 --> 00:09:29,150
No, it's all right, Helen.
216
00:09:29,150 --> 00:09:30,650
I'm Fay Cochran.
217
00:09:30,650 --> 00:09:31,660
I knew I knew her.
218
00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:35,660
Now, why are you
looking for me?
219
00:09:35,660 --> 00:09:36,660
I haven't done anything.
220
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,660
All I know is,
I was hired to find
221
00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:40,660
the former Fay Schlob
from Syracuse.
222
00:09:40,660 --> 00:09:42,670
You don't have to
tell him anything, Fay.
223
00:09:42,670 --> 00:09:44,170
Well, it's all right,
I've got nothing to hide.
224
00:09:44,170 --> 00:09:47,670
Look, when I lived in Syracuse,
I led a very ordinary life.
225
00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:50,170
I went to school, I helped
my mom in the garden,
226
00:09:50,170 --> 00:09:54,180
I volunteered at the USO,
I served sodas at Woolworths,
227
00:09:54,180 --> 00:09:56,180
I'm a model citizen.
228
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:59,680
Then, as near as I can tell,
you're the one he's looking for.
229
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,190
We'll be in touch.
230
00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:13,200
Hey, sit.
Where the hell you been?
231
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,700
You lost two fares already.
232
00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:16,700
Yeah, I know,
I just couldn't tear myself away
233
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:19,700
from the Cartoon Network's
A Pup Named Scooby-Doo.
234
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,210
You're still getting cable?
235
00:10:22,210 --> 00:10:23,710
I thought we were
having it disconnected.
236
00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:24,710
Yeah, I am. Soon, soon.
237
00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:26,710
But... I tell you,
238
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:28,710
this cable TV
is truly wonderful.
239
00:10:28,710 --> 00:10:31,220
Have you heard of this
Shopping Channel?
240
00:10:31,210 --> 00:10:33,720
Oh, man, don't tell me
you bought any of that junk.
241
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:34,720
Junk?
242
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,220
( mumbles )
243
00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:38,220
Look, I know the difference
between junk
244
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:39,720
and something of value.
245
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:43,230
Like, this, like this life-size
porcelain squirrel,
246
00:10:43,230 --> 00:10:46,230
which will be arriving
in about three to four weeks.
247
00:10:46,230 --> 00:10:48,730
Gotta go, almost time for
Yo! MTV Raps.
248
00:10:50,230 --> 00:10:52,740
Antonio, you're talking like
a cable junkie.
249
00:10:52,740 --> 00:10:54,740
Look, Antonio,
listen to me.
250
00:10:54,740 --> 00:10:56,240
You may really have
a problem here.
251
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,240
I know it starts out small;
252
00:10:58,240 --> 00:10:59,740
you know, you start
experimenting a little bit
253
00:10:59,740 --> 00:11:02,750
with CNN, then you move
to the hard stuff...
254
00:11:02,750 --> 00:11:04,250
Nickelodeon...
255
00:11:04,250 --> 00:11:06,750
Then all of a sudden,
it's 4 a.m., you're strung out
256
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:09,250
watching that bald man
spray paint his head.
257
00:11:11,250 --> 00:11:14,260
Uh... are you saying
I have a problem?
258
00:11:14,260 --> 00:11:15,260
( laughs nervously )
259
00:11:15,260 --> 00:11:16,260
Well, I don't.
260
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:17,760
I can quit any time.
261
00:11:22,270 --> 00:11:23,270
Brian...
262
00:11:23,270 --> 00:11:25,770
I think I was followed in
from the parking lot.
263
00:11:25,770 --> 00:11:27,770
Oh, all right, don't worry
about it, I'll check it out.
264
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,270
( screams )
265
00:11:29,270 --> 00:11:32,280
Sorry, Fay. You dropped your
mitten out in the parking lot.
266
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,280
Tried to catch up with you,
267
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:35,780
but you're harder to catch
than a greased pig.
268
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,280
Wanna know how I know?
269
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,780
No!
270
00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:42,290
Oh, I-I'm just so
on edge ever since
271
00:11:42,290 --> 00:11:43,790
that investigator
showed up yesterday.
272
00:11:43,790 --> 00:11:47,290
I mean, what can he want?
What have I done?
273
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:48,790
( exasperated sigh )
274
00:11:49,290 --> 00:11:50,290
How you doing, Fay?
275
00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:51,800
Oh, how do you think
I'm doing?
276
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,300
I'm a walking bull's-eye.
277
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:57,800
Fay's still upset, huh?
278
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,800
Yeah... she still thinks
she's being hunted down
279
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,310
for something she did
in her past.
280
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:03,810
What reason would
anybody have to harm Fay?
281
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,810
I mean, she's the nicest,
282
00:12:05,810 --> 00:12:07,810
sweetest, cheeriest person
in the world.
283
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:09,310
There's three reasons
right there.
284
00:12:10,810 --> 00:12:11,820
HELEN:
I know, it's ridiculous.
285
00:12:11,820 --> 00:12:13,820
I mean, Fay's never done
anything bad.
286
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:16,320
Me, on the other hand, I've done
a lot of things I'm ashamed of.
287
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,820
Well, I wish you'd done some of
them when we were dating.
288
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:21,830
Oh, that's right, we dated.
289
00:12:21,830 --> 00:12:23,330
There's another thing
I'm ashamed of.
290
00:12:25,330 --> 00:12:26,330
Well, I don't know about
you guys,
291
00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:28,330
but I've never done
anything wrong in my life.
292
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:29,830
Oh, come on.
293
00:12:29,830 --> 00:12:32,840
Just knowing you is number one,
two, and three on my list.
294
00:12:34,340 --> 00:12:36,840
I once shot a man in Reno
just to watch him die.
295
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:40,840
Excuse me?
296
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,350
All right, I didn't,
but it sounds
297
00:12:42,350 --> 00:12:44,350
a little more interesting
than I voted for Dukakis.
298
00:12:45,850 --> 00:12:49,850
Oh, come on, who hasn't done
something that they regret?
299
00:12:49,850 --> 00:12:51,360
Shoplifting a pack of gum?
300
00:12:51,350 --> 00:12:52,360
ALL ( mumble ):
Yeah...
301
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:53,860
Smoking in
the school bathroom?
302
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:54,860
( all laugh )
303
00:12:54,860 --> 00:12:56,360
Finding yourself in
the Kuwaiti Desert
304
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:59,360
playing strip poker with
a Bedouin chieftain.
305
00:13:05,870 --> 00:13:07,870
Or, you know,
something like that.
306
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,880
Hey, Antonio, how you doing?
307
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:21,390
My life is ruined.
308
00:13:23,390 --> 00:13:24,890
My world has crumbled
309
00:13:24,890 --> 00:13:27,890
into a black hole
of meaningless despair.
310
00:13:29,390 --> 00:13:30,390
Coffee?
311
00:13:31,900 --> 00:13:33,900
Hey, what happened?
312
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,900
They found
my illegal hookup...
313
00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:38,400
and disconnected my cable.
314
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:44,410
They told me I have to pay
a $200 fine.
315
00:13:44,410 --> 00:13:46,910
What if I can't pay the fine,
316
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:48,410
and I have to go to jail?
317
00:13:48,410 --> 00:13:49,910
You know what happens in jail?
318
00:13:50,910 --> 00:13:53,420
I'd only get
three major networks.
319
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:56,920
Are you happy?
320
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,920
Look what you've
turned him into.
321
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:01,930
Hey, I was just trying to
do him a favor, all right?
322
00:14:01,930 --> 00:14:03,930
I'll take care of it.
I'll take care of it.
323
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:08,430
Look, uh-- Oh, Scarpacci,
uh, I'm sorry about the way
324
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:09,930
things turned out, huh?
325
00:14:09,930 --> 00:14:11,440
See ya.
326
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:14,440
Roy. Roy,
there is one thing.
327
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:20,440
Uh, the cable company said
if I could tell them the name
328
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,950
of the person who helped me
get the illegal hookup,
329
00:14:22,950 --> 00:14:24,950
they would drop the fine.
330
00:14:24,950 --> 00:14:25,950
( chuckles nervously )
331
00:14:25,950 --> 00:14:27,950
And-- And--
And w-what'd you say?
332
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:32,960
I told them I wasn't sure I
could remember who "Mr. Big" is.
333
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,460
"Bigg-is"
334
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:39,960
Sounds a lot like "Biggins."
335
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,970
You know, it's all starting
to come back to me.
336
00:14:41,970 --> 00:14:43,470
All right.
337
00:14:43,470 --> 00:14:44,970
All right,
I'll give you the money.
338
00:14:44,970 --> 00:14:45,970
Oh, keep your money.
339
00:14:45,970 --> 00:14:47,970
Just let me come
to your house tonight
340
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:51,980
and watch the finals
of buck-naked line dancing.
341
00:14:51,980 --> 00:14:53,480
( chuckles )
342
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:54,480
Deal.
343
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:02,490
( gasps )
344
00:15:04,990 --> 00:15:05,990
( screams )
Ah!
345
00:15:08,490 --> 00:15:09,490
W-what's going on?
346
00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:12,500
Fay tried to attack me
with that bowling trophy.
347
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:15,000
I-I was just trying
to defend myself,
348
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,000
I thought someone was
coming after me with a gun.
349
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,000
All right,
Fay, calm down.
350
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,000
I had no idea
you were this upset
351
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,500
about this whole situation.
352
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,510
Why don't you come home
with me and Brian tonight.
353
00:15:22,510 --> 00:15:24,510
Oh, no. I mean,
this is just ridiculous.
354
00:15:24,510 --> 00:15:27,510
I can't spend the rest of
my life jumping at every sound.
355
00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:29,510
I mean, look,
I almost killed poor Lowell.
356
00:15:29,510 --> 00:15:33,020
Yeah, right.
I could have taken you easy.
357
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,520
Now, um,
you boys go on home.
358
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,520
I'll be-- I'll be able
to manage by myself.
359
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:39,520
You sure?
Yeah.
360
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,020
Absolutely sure.
Okay.
361
00:15:41,020 --> 00:15:42,030
All right. I'm gonna go.
362
00:15:42,030 --> 00:15:43,030
Brian's waiting for me.
363
00:15:43,030 --> 00:15:44,030
Okay.
Good night.
364
00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:46,030
You know, Fay,
you're absolutely right.
365
00:15:46,030 --> 00:15:48,030
This is no way
to live your life.
366
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:50,030
Just in case,
I want you to have these!
367
00:15:50,030 --> 00:15:52,040
Oh!
368
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:53,540
What are those?
369
00:15:53,540 --> 00:15:55,540
Nunchaks.
370
00:15:55,540 --> 00:15:58,040
Ancient Japanese instruments
of death and mutilation.
371
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,040
Ho! Ho! Hoo!
372
00:16:01,540 --> 00:16:03,050
Use 'em in good health.
373
00:16:04,550 --> 00:16:07,050
Lowell, you bring these
to work with you every day?
374
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:08,550
Of course not.
375
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:10,550
Only on Wednesdays.
376
00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:30,070
( gasps )
377
00:16:30,070 --> 00:16:32,580
Fay. Fay Schlob.
378
00:16:32,580 --> 00:16:34,080
Who are you?
379
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,580
I'm the one that's
been looking for you.
380
00:16:35,580 --> 00:16:37,080
N-no. Don't you
take another step.
381
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,080
I'm warning you,
I've got numskulls here
382
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:41,590
and I know how to use them.
383
00:16:41,580 --> 00:16:42,590
Fay, we talked it over.
384
00:16:42,590 --> 00:16:43,590
You should
come home with us.
385
00:16:43,590 --> 00:16:45,090
Yes, no problem
at all.
386
00:16:45,090 --> 00:16:47,090
Joe, I know who's
been stalking me.
387
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:48,590
Who?
Him.
388
00:16:49,590 --> 00:16:51,090
Who the hell
are you?
389
00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:53,100
I've got something here
that's gonna settle this.
390
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:55,100
FAY:
Oh, my God.
He's got a gun!
391
00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:57,600
Oh, no, no, no.
It's just a picture.
392
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,600
W-w-why you wavin'
that thing around for?
393
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:02,110
Fay, who are these guys?
394
00:17:02,110 --> 00:17:07,610
Them? Oh, these are my two, big,
overprotective, strong sons
395
00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:09,610
who were just recently
released from prison.
396
00:17:11,610 --> 00:17:14,620
I once shot a man in Reno
just to watch him die.
397
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:16,620
Anyway, look.
398
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:18,120
Would you just take
a look at the picture?
399
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,120
That'll explain everything.
400
00:17:20,620 --> 00:17:22,630
Well, it's pretty
old and faded.
401
00:17:22,630 --> 00:17:24,130
Looks like you, Fay.
402
00:17:24,630 --> 00:17:26,130
Let me look at that.
403
00:17:26,130 --> 00:17:28,630
Oh, heh, that is me.
404
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:31,630
It's funny how you can
lock into a hairdo.
405
00:17:31,630 --> 00:17:33,640
Who's that soldier
you have your arm around?
406
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,640
Well, that's me.
407
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:37,140
Pete Nash.
408
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,640
That was taken
in, uh, 1951.
409
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,140
When we met.
410
00:17:41,140 --> 00:17:43,650
Well, I'm sorry,
I don't remember you.
411
00:17:43,650 --> 00:17:46,650
Uh, it still doesn't
explain why you're here.
412
00:17:46,650 --> 00:17:50,150
Well, I suppose you could say
it's because you owe me a dance.
413
00:17:50,150 --> 00:17:53,660
A dance. See? I knew there
was a simple explanation.
414
00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:56,160
The night before I
shipped out to Korea,
415
00:17:56,160 --> 00:18:00,160
my, uh, buddies and I, we went
down to the USO in Syracuse.
416
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,670
Oh, my girlfriends and I
used to volunteer there.
417
00:18:02,670 --> 00:18:04,670
We danced with the soldiers.
418
00:18:04,670 --> 00:18:05,670
( chuckling ):
I know.
419
00:18:05,670 --> 00:18:06,670
I was one of them.
420
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:11,170
I was just 19. I was scared
to death of going to war.
421
00:18:11,170 --> 00:18:14,180
And you sat up with me
all night, talking.
422
00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:16,180
You told me not to worry,
that I'd come back.
423
00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:17,680
I said, "How do you know that?"
424
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:21,680
And you said, "You gotta come
back, you owe me a dance."
425
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:24,190
That's so sweet.
426
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:25,690
It certainly was.
427
00:18:25,690 --> 00:18:27,190
Well, all the time
I was in Korea,
428
00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:29,190
I carried your
picture with me.
429
00:18:29,190 --> 00:18:33,700
As a matter of fact, I told my
buddies that you were my girl.
430
00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:34,700
Oh.
BRIAN: Wow.
431
00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:37,200
So carrying Fay's picture
got you through the war?
432
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:41,710
Oh, sure. That picture
saved my life.
433
00:18:41,700 --> 00:18:43,210
It did?
434
00:18:43,210 --> 00:18:44,710
One day we were under
heavy artillery fire
435
00:18:44,710 --> 00:18:47,210
and, ah, I was--
I was so scared
436
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:49,210
and I took out
your picture--
437
00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:51,720
You mean, just--
Just looking at my face
438
00:18:51,710 --> 00:18:53,720
gave you the courage
to go on.
439
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:57,720
No. I took out your picture
and I dropped it.
440
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,220
And I bent down
to pick it up--
441
00:18:59,220 --> 00:19:00,220
When a bullet
meant for you
442
00:19:00,220 --> 00:19:01,730
whizzed right
over your head?
443
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,230
No, I bent down
to pick it up,
444
00:19:03,230 --> 00:19:04,730
I slipped on my canteen,
445
00:19:04,730 --> 00:19:09,230
the rifle discharged
and I shot myself in the ass.
446
00:19:12,740 --> 00:19:15,740
What kind of a medal
do they give you for that?
447
00:19:15,740 --> 00:19:17,240
And where
do they pin it?
448
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,740
Well, there I was,
in this V.A. hospital,
449
00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:24,250
lying there with a bullet
in my keister
450
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:26,250
and it reminded me
of you, Fay.
451
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:30,250
Well, I-I'm flattered.
452
00:19:30,250 --> 00:19:33,260
But you still don't remember
who I am, do you?
453
00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:34,760
No, I'm sorry, I don't.
454
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:37,760
Well, you see, I danced
with a lot of boys.
455
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,260
Well, let me
give you a clue.
456
00:19:40,260 --> 00:19:43,270
I was a very
bad dancer.
457
00:19:43,270 --> 00:19:45,270
Oh, well, most of
the boys were.
458
00:19:45,270 --> 00:19:46,770
But I stepped
on your toes.
459
00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:48,270
A lot of the boys did.
460
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:49,270
But I broke one.
461
00:19:49,270 --> 00:19:50,270
( gasps )
462
00:19:50,270 --> 00:19:51,780
My goodness, was that you?
463
00:19:51,770 --> 00:19:52,780
That was me.
464
00:19:52,780 --> 00:19:54,280
Oh.
So, uh...
465
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:55,780
Basically your
war story is
466
00:19:55,780 --> 00:19:59,280
you broke Fay's toe
and shot yourself in the ass.
467
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,790
Bet you keep the grandkids
riveted with that.
468
00:20:01,780 --> 00:20:05,290
Uh, you know boys, I think
everything will be fine now.
469
00:20:05,290 --> 00:20:06,290
You can go home.
470
00:20:06,290 --> 00:20:07,290
You sure?
471
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:08,290
Yes, I'm sure.
Okay.
472
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:09,790
Well, nice to meet you.
473
00:20:09,790 --> 00:20:10,790
Goodbye, Mommy.
474
00:20:10,790 --> 00:20:12,300
( chuckles )
475
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,800
Well, uh, Pete,
I'm curious.
476
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,800
I mean, how come it took you
so long to find me?
477
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,310
Well, after the war,
I tried to find you.
478
00:20:23,310 --> 00:20:27,310
I went back to Syracuse
but you'd moved.
479
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:30,810
Well, eventually I-- I got
married and the years rolled by.
480
00:20:30,810 --> 00:20:32,820
Recently my wife died.
481
00:20:32,820 --> 00:20:34,320
I was looking at
some old pictures
482
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,320
and I came across
that one of you and me
483
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:37,820
and I realized there
were so many things
484
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:41,820
I meant to do in my life
that I hadn't done.
485
00:20:41,820 --> 00:20:45,330
And one of them
was seeing you again.
486
00:20:45,330 --> 00:20:49,330
And thanking you for helping me
get through that war.
487
00:20:50,330 --> 00:20:52,840
So, Fay, thank you.
488
00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:55,840
You're welcome.
489
00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:01,340
Well, I guess I'd
better be going.
490
00:21:02,850 --> 00:21:04,850
Oh, wait, um...
491
00:21:04,850 --> 00:21:08,350
Um, I believe you still
owe me a dance.
492
00:21:10,850 --> 00:21:12,360
( rock song playing )
493
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,360
( upbeat dance
song playing )
494
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:17,860
( soft jazz
song playing )
495
00:21:17,860 --> 00:21:19,360
Well, that's better.
496
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,870
Well, I warn you,
I'm still a bad dancer.
497
00:21:21,860 --> 00:21:23,870
Oh, that's okay,
you just follow me.
498
00:21:29,870 --> 00:21:31,370
Ow.
499
00:21:31,370 --> 00:21:33,380
Sorry.
That's okay.
500
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,380
Ow.
501
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:40,380
Sorry.
It's all right.
502
00:21:51,130 --> 00:22:02,910
( light rock theme playing )
34241
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