All language subtitles for MV5BZDhiNjhjODktMTA8ZC99N

Come on, honey,

give Daddy the blanket.

Listen, this is gonna be

a real fun party with lots of
cake and ice cream,

but little girls with
wet blankets can't go.

Now give it to Daddy.

Do this-- leave
the blanket here,

I'll advance you all
of your allowance

till you're 40.
Fair enough?

There is no way that
that blanket is going
in this car.

Mom!

No, no, no. Not this time.

This is a brand new
$25,000 BMW 325 e.5

with leather interior.

Tom, it's just a car.

Oh, come on, I just
Armor-alled the seats.

[indistinct chatter
in Chinese]

Got any 8s?

Go fish.

Why does it always
take her so long?

Just think of her
as a work in progress.

Ah!

Do I look
all right?

Do stars twinkle?

Come on, sweetheart,
your bike awaits.

Have you ever tried
putting pantyhose on

-With wet nails?
-It's a bitch.

I forgot
my sample case.

Oh, come on, Tish,
we're gonna be late.

We are late.

[woman]
Be careful.

[aggressive honking]

Tom.

Get out of the road, you...!

Be careful, Tom!

Yay!

[church bell rings]

Come on.
Come on.

[joyful screams]

Congratulations,
Mama.

Oh, wasn't it
a beautiful sermon?

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Oh, no!

It means fertility,
God forbid...

♪ Ba ba ba ba ba
bamba ♪

♪ Ba ba ba ba ba
bamba ♪

♪ This great song with
This wonderful rhythm ♪

♪ It's a wonderful rhythm,
And you can feel it ♪

♪ You know what
I'm saying ♪

♪ Yes, you know
What I'm saying ♪

♪ Come on and dance ♪

♪ Come on and dance,
Come on and dance ♪

♪ When the stars
Meet the heavens ♪

♪ When the stars
Meet the heavens ♪

♪ The sky will shine ♪

♪ And all night long,
The sky will shine... ♪

Bad tits.

No ass.

Yeah.

So, Tom,

you still selling
Subarus?

How many times I gotta
tell you, Kirby?

I sell BMWs.

I just happen to work out
of a Subaru showroom.

Ohh.

Look at her.

What a pig.

Here we are,
safe and sound.

-Aah!
-I know, I know,
we gotta get a car.

It's on my list.

I dried my hair
in front of the TV,

and it's full
of electricity.

-Mitch, please, stop.
-Mitch, don't do that. C'mon.

Wait. Your cousins,
Toby and Mary,

do they have
a boy or a girl?

Uh, one or the other.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Mama! Mama, go!

[laughs]

[cheers]

[announcer]
Congratulations
to the bride and groom.

Many happy years
together.

Jesus, who is that?

[announcer]
Now we'd like to do
a composition of our own.

Eh, you take away
the clothes and the make-up,

what do you got?

A gorgeous
naked woman.

-Ah!
-Larry!

Oh, congratulations,
Uncle Phil.

Isn't she
something, huh?

Edie, if you're as half as
wonderful as my uncle says,

I want you to leave him
right now.

I'm going to marry you.

Oh!

This is Larry's
beautiful wife, Trish.

Congratulations.

And this monster
here is Mitchie.

Hey, easy on the mousse,
Uncle Phil.

Hi, Mitch.

This is for you.

When are you coming
to work for me,
you son of a gun?

Oh, I told you, Uncle Phil,
I just don't see an
intellectual,

albeit, muscular guy
like myself

working in a junkyard.

Believe me. There's
a future in garbage.

By the year 2000,
there's gonna be

no place left
for human refuse.

No place left
for human refuse.

Get in while
the market's still open.

Don't say nothing.
Don't say nothing. Sleep on it.

-We'll talk, ok?
-It's on my list, Uncle Phil.

-Your list?
-No, it's on my list.

I got your list.

I would like to make--
attention, please.
Attention!

I want to make a toast

to this lovely
young couple.

For most of us,

to find love
once in a lifetime,

we're lucky.

But for these two

to find love again
later in life...

So, Edie,

On behalf of my whole family,
we are grateful,

because my Uncle Phil,

while being one of the
great men in garbage,

has not always been so keen
on personal hygiene.

That is, until he met you.

So...

I will now,
ahem, disrobe

And play a Celtic
classic ballad

on my love flute.

[Uncle Phil]
Shut up!

My nephew Larry's
making a toast.

Oh.

Uh, thank you,
Uncle Phil.

Even the band stopped.

Um...

Well, I was uh...

Excuse me here.
I was, just, uh...

Trying to, uh, make
a toast here, um...

What I guess what I was trying
to say was this is, uh...

This occasion's more
than a--than a wedding.

It's a, uh...
Well, it's a love story.

It's...

I'm dying here.

It's the, uh, the story...

♪ It's the story
Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was living, had
Three lovely girl sisters ♪

♪ Each of them had hair
Like their mother ♪

What's the real color
of her hair anyway?

What year?

♪ It's the story
Of Phil Kozinski ♪

♪ Who was living in
A garbage dump alone ♪

Anyway. Anyway.

Anyway, to life...

To love...

To Phil and Edie.

Larry...

I'm touched.

[belches]

Such a wonderful nephew.

Such a wonderful bride.

I don't deserve her.

You're right,
you bastard!

Hey, you don't like it?

Kiss me where
the sun don't shine!

Oh, yeah?
Where is that?

I'll show you where.

Wait.

[drum roll]

[band plays
strip tease music]

[crowd cheers]

It's all mine!

Marone a mi,

my brother Angelo

just rolled over
in his grave.

You're crazy!

Crazy with love!

♪ You put your right leg in ♪

♪ You put your right leg out ♪

♪ You put your right leg in ♪

♪ And you shake it
All about ♪

♪ You do the hokey pokey ♪

♪ And you turn
Yourself around ♪

♪ That's what it's all about ♪

Now all of these products
are natural,

and they're coordinated

to go with your
individual coloring.

You're a "fall"--
soft ambers and magenta.

And you're a "summer"--
yellows... blues.

And you, you're a "spring."

You should be in pink.

Darling, I'm a widow
for 30 years,

and I only wear black.

And on you, it works.

Classic.

♪ Turn yourself around ♪

♪ That's what
It's all about ♪

Look at them.
Look at her.

She buried my brother
only five years ago.

-Look at her.
She killed him.
-What?

She killed him with butter,

putting butter in his food
all the time.

Listen to me, Kevin,
I'm telling you,

-I've got a problem with this!
-All right, you told me
we had a problem.

-Now's not the time.
-You canceled the check.

-You didn't fix the car!
-What, what? It's my fault
that it broke down?

Tom, it broke down
on the way home!

Hey! You owe me money!

You owe me a car!

-You're a goddam liar.
-You're a cheat!

Shithead! Come on!

Take it easy.

Come on!

Just relax. Relax!

Take it easy.

Your cousin's
an asshole.

Hey! Just take it easy.

Get some help, Tom.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Up close, she doesn't
look so young.

[band plays the theme
from The Godfather]

Wait, you're actually telling
me that your parents let you
come here today?

And they never warned you
about the wedding killer?

[kids] No.

Okay. You see,
there's this guy, um...

Fred, I think
his name is--

And his girlfriend
walked out on him, okay?

And on the day of her wedding
to this other guy,

Fred showed up,

and he had a machete.

And he chopped her head off.

-[kids] Eww!
-There was blood everywhere,

and then he sliced
the groom's guts open,
right down the middle,

and this stuff spilled out

that looked like,
uh...spaghetti.

Ew!
Gross!

And then he ripped
her heart out

while it was still beating,

and he ate it!

[kids] Ew!

Wait, wait, wait.

And now he goes
from wedding to wedding

macheteing up everybody
into little pieces.

Kids, too?

Especiallykids.

It's time to go, kids.

That was sweet of you
to tell them stories,
Mitch.

There's nothing to it.

Aah! Aah!

Oh.

Come on, children.

Children, outside.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Send a card!

Okay, I'll call you.

Dad, I can't find her
anywhere.

And I got plans tonight.

-Uh, Harry?
-Yeah?

Hey, can you give
my kid a lift home?

Come along, Mitch.

Great. Hey, as dads go,
you're okay.

Home by 10:00.

Mitch, home by 10:00.

[woman]
Bye.

Goodbye.

She's going
to come back soon

from her honeymoon.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I seem to have
lost my mate.

Me, too.

I'm sure I came in
with one.

-Nice wedding.
-Mm-hmm.

I'm Phil's nephew.

I know,
I'm Edie's, um--

I know.

Larry.

I'm Maria. Chloe.

-Hi, Chloe.
-Hi.

-Are you cold,
sweetheart?
-Yeah.

Well, why don't
we go inside?

Yes. That's
a good idea.

[singing]

Ha ha ha!
You should be a singer.

Oh, thanks.

I'll try.

Your wife
is very beautiful.

Have you been
married long?

Couple of years. You?

Almost 11.

Ooh.

We were married young.

Work?

Yes. He sells cars.

Subarus.

No, do you work?

Me? Yes.
I'm a legal secretary.

Ahh.

[Maria] And you?

I teach ballroom dancing.

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

Would you have been
more impressed

if I said I was
a securities analyst?

Because
my first wife was.

My father, however,
was more impressed

when I was
a real estate broker.

My first wife's friends
liked that, too.

Everybody was
impressed but me.

And you play
the piano, too.

No.

Trumpet.

Are you really
a dance teacher?

Here you go. This...

entitles you
to one free lesson.

I'm not a very
good dancer.

That's okay.

I'm not a very
good teacher.

Well, I bet I know somebody
who would like to dance.

[laughs]

[giggles]

Oh, you're so light.

You're very good
with children.

Well, my job gives me
a lot of time

to spend
with my son.

-The one with
the video camera?
-Uh-huh.

You know, my mother
and Phil...

They're so sweet.

I felt like crying,
but I couldn't.

I never can.

Why am I telling you this?

People tell
dance teachers things.

Thank you, madam. Lovely.

Nobody told me anything
when I was in securities.

Whoo!

How many jobs
did you have?

Oh, I don't know. A lot.

I change every
two or three years.

If it looks like
I might be successful,

I move on.

[Maria]
You don't want to be
successful?

I want to be happy.

We're getting personal here.

You're learning
all of my secrets.

And I don't know
the first thing about you.

I'm not an interesting person.

Christ, you--
how you doing?

You will not believe
what happened to us.

The God damn car broke down.

Where is everybody?

Oh, Jesus, I didn't know
it was this late. Are you okay?

Oh, Tom was just
giving me a test drive.

In his car. He--
we lost track of time.

Tom sells BMWs.

I thought
they were Subarus.

I understand you're in
the market for a new car.

We are, aren't we, honey?

Your wife and I have been
talking about a set of wheels

under you at a price
you can afford.

Not just any set of wheels.

We're talking about
the Bavarian Motor Works.

I think a BMW is
a little out of our range.

Mmm.

Besides, they're
breaking down all the time.

[laughs]

[all laugh]

So anyway, as soon as she said

they were thinking
about buying a car,

I knew if I could
get her behind the wheel--

Bingo-- sale, commission,
full sticker price.

Then the car breaks down.

See that's the thing in sales,
you have to concentrate
on the woman.

Women always
liked you, Tom.

You believe me,
don't you?

Why shouldn't I?

You're my husband.

[trumpet plays]

Phil's worth
a lot of money.

You really should
take him up on his offer.

You're great at
collecting junk.

You'd wind up
running the company.

My psychic Mrs. Wong

is encouraging me
to express myself.

She says a lot of attractive
women get depressed

because they think
people see nothing

but their looks.

She thinks
I have sensitivity

and talent, Larry.

She says that.

Mrs. Wong's right.

I should tell you that
more often. I'm sorry.

Would you still slay
a dragon for me?

Maybe a baby dragon.

Mrs. Wong gave me
a self-improvement tape.

Would you like
to hear it?

Not right now.

Larry...

I wouldn't hurt you
for anything.

You know that,
don't you?

Why would you say that?

Will you dance with me?

We never dance anymore.

[crash]

[Larry]
Hey, Mitch.

♪ Sunday, Monday
Happy Days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday
Happy Days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday
Happy Days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

Remember the guy
on the news

who listened to
Ozzy Osborne so much

that his parents sued because
he became a mass murderer?

Well, Aunt Irene told me today,
she's thinking of suing now

because cousin Donald
listened to Barry Manilow
over and over,

and he became a florist.

Aah!

[Larry] That bad, huh?
What's up?

It's the blonde on
the blue bicycle, isn't it?

[chuckles]
Shut up.

The blonde whose initials
are on your Vans.

Shut up.

When I watch
you play soccer,

and the guys go
for Gatorade at the break,

you go and talk
to the blonde on the bicycle.

-I said, "Shut up!"
You're not my mother.
-Mitch!

I'm just trying
to help, Mitchie.

I could give you
the girl's point of view.

Tish, kiss
my squirrel.

Hey, hey, we will have no
squirrel-kissing here tonight.

I was just
trying to help.

I think I should spend a
little time with Mitch alone.

"Kiss my squirrel"?
Hey, come on.

[belches]

Oh, that's very nice.

[female on tape]
Repeat several times a day.

I approve of myself.

I approve of myself.

You're not throwing it
quite hard enough.

I hate Leonard Pearson.

Who?

Leonard Pearson.
In my class.

He follows me around
all the time.

Oh, but you shouldn't hate
anybody, Chloe.

He tells everyone
he loves me.

But that is sweet.

You be sweet
to him, okay?

Bye.

Bye, Mom.

Leonard!

Aah!

Hi, Tom.

Bernadette...

Look, I'm sorry,

But we have to stop
seeing each other.

What?

It's just getting
too serious.

You're right.

[door slams]

Hi. Uh... I'll be with you

in a minute, okay, Tom?

How's your family?

Olga, listen...

About us...

[laughs]

♪ You've got
A new girlfriend ♪

[laughs]

I can't see you anymore.

Lighten up, Tom.

[telephone rings]

Planned Parenthood.

You're not allowed
to talk to the driver.

[Tom clears throat]

Would you excuse me
just one moment?

Hi.

What did you tell him?

Who?

Your husband. About us.

-Nothing.
-Good. Keep it that way.

I just wanted to make sure
you're not one of those

"three beers and you make
a confession" types.

Well, you're a whole lot
different than you were
last night.

Last night never
happened, understand?

I've changed
my whole life today.

I've cleaned up my act.
No more women.

Last night never
happened, understand?

And if you ever say
that it did,

if use the "f" word
about us,

If even the "fuh" sounds
comes out of your mouth,

I will denounce you
as a liar

and a home-wrecker,
do you understand?

[woman] Miss!

Excuse me. I have
to get back to her

or her eyeliner
will cake.

Do you understand?

I have an IQ
in the triple digits.

What word do you think
I didn't understand?

Okay. I just wanted to make
sure you understood.

Are you wearing
black underwear?

Yes.

Want to meet me
for a drink later?

Kiss my squirrel.

So they drove
to a shopping mall

and parked in back
of a supermarket

behind a dumpster
in our car

that I make payments on
by sweating my ass off

so she can sweat
her ass off inside it!

Sorry.

Now, that car was rocking

like an out-of-whack
washing machine.

I went crazy. I--

Are you getting
all this down, Maria?

-Yes, I am, Mr. Bregman.
-Okay.

I decided to kill her,
but I couldn't.

I love her.

So I shaved her head,

and now see
if he wants her.

That is why your wife

is suing you for divorce,
Mr. Dionne?

[Mr. Dionne]
Love is shit.

Marriage is shit.

[Mr. Bregman]
You know, I'm sitting here

listening to you editorialize.

[Mr. Dionne]
Well, fuck you,
moneybags, hey?

My favorite part-- boing!

Here we go.
All right. Remember--

Happy, happy, happy.

No, no. We're doing
the cha-cha here.

All right.
Remember, ladies,

it's ok to smile...

especially
at my jokes.

Ready and...

Cha-cha-cha.

Swivel, swivel.

Forward, back, forward.

I can't even say it right.

Hit him, Maggie,
if he does that right.

Let's do it again.
Ready and cha-cha-cha.

Swivel, swivel.

Forward, cross, forward.

Who's leading here?

That's all right, you lead.
You're doing a good job,
Freddy.

I want these suspenders.

Ready and
cha-cha-cha.

Swivel, swivel.

Forward, cross, forward.

Up, six, seven, eight.

And one...

two, three, four...

[Larry]
All right. You know, you're
gonna put me out of work.

You're too good.

One more time.
Ready and...

Cha-cha-cha.

Oh, my God.
No, no, no.

Let me show you one more time.

One more time,
everybody.

Mrs. Greenblatt.

Ha ha. You
look mahvelous.

Magnificent.
A thing of beauty.

Thank you,
thank you.

Okay, that's it.
Time's up, everybody.

Practice,
practice, practice.

Yes, practice,
practice, practice.

Goodbye.
Get out of here.

Get out of here,
get out of here,
you crazy guys.

Thanks.
Get new shoes.

Those are not gonna work.

Okay, oh, don't forget to bring
your checks next week.

Hi.

Hi.

[Larry]
You came for
your free lesson.

No, it's my lunch break.

And I thought that maybe
we could talk.

-[Larry] Mexican?
-[Maria] It's too heavy.

[Maria]
I don't know how to say this.

[Larry]
Well, words are good.

[Maria]
They have fried octopus?

[Larry]
No, I had that
for breakfast.

[Maria]
This is difficult.

Oh, come on.
It's only lunch.

Burgers.

No, too obvious.

Larry? I need
to ask you something.

Do I think that...

your husband and my wife
slept together?

Thank you. It would
have taken me a lot longer.

Well, I only have
an hour for lunch.

Ah... Spuds International.

Everything you ever
wanted on a potato and more.

I think they had one
with a Buick on it.

Do you think
they did?

I don't know.
Only they know.

You don't seem
to be upset about it.

Sex isn't that big
a deal anyway.

Whether they
had sex or not,
something happened.

Hey, I believe
in people's
freedom of choice.

Tish needs to grow up
to be her own person.

Now that's me.

What people do
is their own business.

That doesn't
apply to marriage.

Well, it sounds to me
you have a choice to make.

And guess what?
You're free to make it.

This is great. We hardly
know each other,

and we're already getting
our first argument
out of the way.

Are you serious about
that freedom stuff?

Yes.

No! Oh, God,
I'm so full of shit!

I'd like to kill them both!

I'm sorry.

[yelling in Chinese]

Sorry, I will pay for it.

-No, it's my fault.
-I will pay for the fish.
I broke the fish.

I shouldn't
have come.

No, wait--
how much?

Never--never mind.

Wait, wait.

Please, I'm, uh...
I'm very sorry.

Whoa. It wasn't easy

for you to come
see me today, was it?

-No.
-Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

That's right.

You don't cry,
do you?

Or hit fish.

Oh, God.

Ooh, jeez.

[Maria]
You know, Tom lately has
been really upset about work.

They have these contests--
who sells the most cars.

And he lost his trip
to Las Vegas.

Well, that's a good reason
to hump my wife.

I'm sorry.

Listen, Tish is
a good person.

She just wants to be
appreciated for
more than her looks.

She's worried people
think she's dumb.

She's not dumb.
Tom is very vulnerable
to female flattery.

Why do you keep making
excuses for your husband?

Mm, because you're making
excuses for your wife.

All right, all right.
So, how did you two meet?

We met in high school.

He was an athlete,
a big athlete.

And he had the red car
he was very proud of.

Girls were crazy
about him.

And I just came to this
country, And I was very shy.

I couldn't believe when
he came and talked to me.

Well, he must've said
something right,

to get you to marry him.

No. I was
the only girl

who wouldn't
go to sleep with him.

What about you?

I guess I thought Tish
was going to be different

than my first wife.

Surprise, you know?

Turns out she's the bride
of Bloomingdale's.

So, what do you
want to do?

You want to
confront them?

They'll just deny it.

We could
shave their heads.

What?

I have to go back
to work. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if
I spoiled your day.

It was nice not having
lunch with you.

Bye.

Goodbye, Maria.

[Chloe]
And he said, "No way."

Sweetheart, I'm going to put
your flowers in this vase.

You could do your homework.

What's in the box, Daddy?

What's this?

Open it.

And tonight
I'm going to make

my world famous
garlic chicken pamplona.

[Chloe] Yay!

Not only that,
I'll even clean up

after I use every pot
in the house.

I promise.

Tom, this is beautiful.

What's the occasion?

Nothing. Just us.

All of us together.

Just one of those nights.

It's nice to have a family.

So, how was your day?

Fine.

I had lunch
with Larry Kozinski.

-Who?
-Larry Kozinski.

I had lunch
with him today.

Sweetheart, don't
wrinkle it.

Why? Uh...what for?

What did you
talk about?

Hmm, nothing special.

Was it a nice lunch?

Mm-hmm, very nice.

Well...that's fine.
That's good.

That's okay. I'm glad
you had a nice day.

Good old Larry.

Lunch... nice.

Mitchie is, uh--
what is it you are,
again, Mitchie?

I'm a multimedia artist,

but my emphasis
is on video.

I'm so excited.

♪ Sunday, Monday,
Happy Days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
Happy Days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday,
Happy Days ♪

♪ The weekend comes
The cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free
Oh, Happy Days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪

♪ Goodbye gray skies,
Hello blue ♪

♪ Nothing can hurt me
When I hold you ♪

♪ Feels so right
It can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and rollin'
All week long...♪

-That's her.
-Very nice.

♪ Sunday, Monday
Happy Days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday
Happy Days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday,
Happy Days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week
With you ♪

♪ These days are ours
Share them with me ♪

♪ Oh, Happy Days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free...♪

[groans]

♪ Nothing can hurt me
When I hold you... ♪

-Well, you're a God damn liar!
-Well, you're a thief!

♪ Rockin' and rollin'
All week long ♪

Whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, cut!

Cut!

Lights!

Thank you.

Uncle Tom, you did
the wrong thing.

How about lunch, huh?

You are a very
sick young man.

Alienation...

Great.

Interesting work,
Mitch.

-Thanks, Dad.
-Yeah.

What the hell are you
doing taking my wife
out to lunch?

Actually,
we didn't have lunch.

We went for a walk,
but my feet broke down,

so we were a little late
getting back.

They know.

They know about us.

[Bunny hop music plays]

Work in garbage
all week,

enjoy nature
on the weekends.

Here we go--
ooh, ooh, ooh.

All right now,
faster.

Tell me
about Larry.

Larry, Larry.

I've asked him
a million times

to come into
the business,

but he wants
to change jobs...

Dance.

To me-- and I say this
with love, Maria--

Larry is a failure

in everything
except life.

Come!
Dance with me!

Yes.

A wild woman.

Come on,
come on.

Show her how
to do it, girls.

They were...

Aw--aw, don't...

No. You go.

Oh, we're gonna
miss you.

Whose shoe?

Phil, do you
want some cake?

Phil?

Phil?

Come on, asshole.
Come on!

Larry,
something's wrong.

One shot, man.
That's all it will take.

One shot. I'm right here!

[whistles]

I won't have this.
Stop. Stop.

Stop it, Tom,
stop it!

But, Mama...

Phil!

Phil...

Phil!

Amore mio.

Don't leave me.

[sobbing]

[priest]
So that even though I walk

through the valley
of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil
for thou art with me.

Thy rod and thy staff,
they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table
before me

in the presence
of mine enemies.

My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy
shall follow me

all the days
of my life,

and I shall dwell

in the house
of the Lord forever.

Let us pray.

Oh, God, whose days
are without an end...

Give me back
my 50 cents.

Take your dime,
sport.

Damn child,
just a lousy fare.

What do you
think I am, huh?

A God damn tourist?

Cheapskate.

Pop, you were
supposed to call me.

For what, a ride
on that motorcycle of yours?

Good to see you, son.

Good God.
Is this Mitchie?

How are you doing,
Grandpa?

I'll be damned!

You're getting to be
a big man, aren't you, huh?

-Yeah.
-[chuckles]

Let's go.

No, no.
You go ahead.

No, I--I'll wait
right here.

At my age, you don't want to
get too close to an open grave.

Hm. Stay with him.

So. So, Grandpa,

how come you didn't
come to the church?

Uh, God makes me nervous

when you get him
indoors.

I don't like to see
people in their coffins.

They always look so much
smaller without their spirits.

I was going to bring you
a gift, but I forgot.

Think you might like
one of these, huh?

Which one you want?
Hot Patty's Pajama Party?

or G irls with Big Jugs?

Eat. There's
casseroles, cakes.

I have turkey tetrazzini
coming out the wazoo.

Phil, Phil.
Everyone loved him so.

Did you see the wreath the boys
from the junkyard sent?

Larry, was it me?
Was I too much for him?

No, Edie, he's the happiest
he'd ever been with you.

I want you to meet
my father, Vince.

My sympathies.
Sorry I missed your wedding.

My hernia
prevented it.

Edie, I'm sorry.

I have to go to work.

We are still family

even though
Phil is gone.

So, don't be a stranger.

I won't. I promise.

See you later.
Bye, Pops.

-Thank you.
-Nobody takes a day off

when a man dies anymore?

Jesus!

You know, funerals make
women really horny.

I never knew Phil
all that well,

-but this is great
turkey tetrazzini, yeah?
-Mmm.

Here, Mommy.

Oh, thank you.

Look, I gotta go
show a car.

As long as Chloe's
staying overnight here,

why don't, uh, why don't
you meet me about 7:30,
and we'll go out to eat.

If Mama doesn't need me.

Well, if your mom
doesn't need you,

maybe you can meet me
at the showroom.

Mm-hmm. Yes, if Mama
doesn't need me,

I'll be there. 7:30.

Okay.

Beauty and the Beast.

[Mitch]
I'm never gonna
get married.

You wait, you see.

You'll get married,
have kids,

have a happy life.

Don't eat too much
butter though.

-You know what I'd
really like to do?
-What?

Kill someone.

What?

Calmly plan a murder.

Choose the victim.

Maybe even
someone political--

so I could do the world
some good, you know?

I'd have to think
about it first
for a few years.

Hey, it can't be any dumber
than getting married

And going to work
every day.

I mean, it must be
more fun.

No nos spostato.

Mr. Zee, I'm gonna
be a little late getting back.

It's hard to rush
a funeral.

As soon as I can.

-What took you so long?
-Just get in the car.

I think you forgot
to say "Please."

Just get in the car,
will ya?

Oh, you're so manly.

There. Uh,
there's my wife.

We were married
for 35 years

and she never once
raised her voice to me.

-So then you know
what it's like to lose someone?
-Mm.

She went
in the hospital

to have
a boil removed.

Never came out.

I moved upstate,
bought some gas stations.

I did quite well,

but I've had
to learn to live
with loneliness.

Hmm?

Life is that way.

Who can explain it?

I thought Phil and I

would share the rest
of our lives together.

Now all I have left

is his share
of the garbage company.

What am I going to do
with a garbage company?

I don't know anything
about business.

Perhaps you
would be interested
in buying me out?

[chuckles]

Well, maybe I could
give you something

for your part
of the business.

Something?

What neighborhood
of "something"

would we be
talking about?

[both chuckle]

-Will you be all right?
-Yes.

-Bye, Mom.
-And you?

See you in the city, son.
I'm taking Mitchie with me.

I don't think riding that
thing's good for his gonads.

All right.

My sympathies,
Maria.

Bye.

Bye, Larry.
Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Are you coming
with us, Maria?

Why are we here?

I thought you were
taking me home.

Do you want to go home?
I'll take you home.

No, that's all right.
I just wondered.

What were
you singing?

I wasn't singing.

Well, no, you just
didn't think

I couldn't hear you
over the engine.

but I could.

You don't cry
at weddings,

but you sing
at funerals.

You told me you weren't
an interesting person.

I'm not.

Come on, what were
you singing?

I don't sing
for people.

It's private.

Oh.

Well, hum
a few bars then.

[hums]

Well, what song
is that?

[hums]

[hums]

Boy, I still
have no idea.

It's a Beatles song.
Now guess.

Oh, I hate to
break this to you,

but that tune has
no resemblance

to any song The Beatles
ever recorded.

It's "The Long
and Winding Road."

Oh, no. No, that
goes more like...

[hums]

You're worse
than I am.

Are you going
to push me off?

I thought
you trusted me.

Here, hold on to
my shoulders. Ready?

Push.
Push against me.

Oh! Isn't
that exciting?

-I can't stop!
-[laughs]

Come here.

♪ Ta-da ♪

My boat.

-[Maria] Oh, it's great.
-[Larry] Yeah.

[Maria]
I mean, it could be great.

Shecould be great.

You always refer
to a boat as a female.

Why?

Well, I guess if
you're some

sweaty sailor out
at sea for a year,

you need to use
your imagination.

What are you going
to do with she?

I'm gonna fix her up

and I'm gonna sail off
into the sunset.

You have a rich
fantasy life, don't you?

Uh-huh.

Don't you? Don't you
have fantasies?

-I do. I do.
-Yeah?

But they're private.

I don't tell them
to anybody.

[Larry]
Not even a dance teacher?

Mm, you're not just
a dance teacher.

I can't figure it out
what you are.

Hey, isn't that
what everybody wants?

A smooth-sailing life?

You can achieve that
for a minute on a dance floor

or the water.

Look how lovely.

Hmm.

That one would
look great on you.

Oh, Tom hates me in hats.

Then I'll buy it
for you.

No.

But the look
on Tom's face...

We'll take that one
right there.

What does your wife
hate you to wear?

Boxer shorts.

She doesn't think
they're sexy.

Oh, I think
they're very sexy.

We're gonna be bad.
We're gonna be so bad.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey. I got him.

He's gonna buy.
325 loaded--

chrome wheels,
tinted glass,

alarm, phone,
wool carpets.

Two more Beemers,
and I...I win the trip
to Vegas.

[woman]
I don't even like the color.
I mean, it's just--

[man]
Look, just sit in it.
Just sit in it.

I don't like it.

Hi.

Hi.

Listen.

The beauty
of the Subaru

is that it is
so cost-efficient

that I bet a woman like you
could talk him into one for him

and then one for yourself.

Do this.

Let me take you
for a test drive

in that little blue wagon.

Hi.

[Tish] This way.
Now see there?

Won't it go out
further that way?

Yeah.

That's good. You're
really doing that well.

That's really good.

I need to
talk to you.

I'm with a customer.

But if you're interested
in a makeover,

you'll have to wait
your turn.

Now, I want you
to try the dusty rose.

This is important.

So is my career.
A line right there--

Tish.

I'm with a customer.

[Tish]
That--that works.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Yeah. That
definitely works.

Your husband is
having an affair
with my wife.

You are insane.

If I had any idea
how insane you were,

I would never have
let you start up with me.

Ha! What?!

You seduced me!

I'm sorry.

Uh, I'll be right back.

Take your time, honey.

Your opinion of Larry
is a tribute

to your insensitivity
to other human beings.

Larry would
never have sex

with someone
like your wife.

Yeah, I'm not
worried about sex.

I'm worried about them
having a relationship.

You've ruined my life.

And you are jeopardizing
my new job here

as assistant manager
of this department.

So if you'd like
a private consultation,

please call
for an appointment.

and if you ever come here
and upset me again,

I will have
the security guards

throw you
out of the store.

Now where were we?

-Making the lips fuller.
-Yes.

So I burned her underwear.
So what? I'll buy her more.

I mean, can you--?
He's sick. He's a beast.

How am I supposed to go
anywhere looking like this?

Well, in some countries,
bald is considered attractive.

I didn't marry you
for your looks anyway.

I want a divorce.

Her and that lowlife
appliance salesman

-aren't getting a dime.
-He's not a lowlife appliance
salesman!

Excuse me. Excuse me.
I'm sorry, folks, but
we're very late.

I had no idea your job
was so dangerous.

Why are we running?

How about lunch?

-I'm not hungry.
-Good.

[laughs]

Fish must be
so happy.

[Larry]
They must be.

They have mating rituals
like Italian operas.

I hate to leave,
this was such a great idea.

Let's call in sick.

Maggie can
take my classes.

I can't call in sick.

Then call in well.

Tell your boss,
it's too beautiful a day

to take notes on other
people's problems. Come on.

I'll call for you.
You want me to?

I'll call for myself.

[Larry]
If the lake were to
swallow me up right now,

I would die
a happy man.

It's been
a long time

since I've been
this happy, too.

Is it just me,

or do you also have this
uncontrollable desire

to put our lips together?

We can't.

You're right.

We can't.

Why can't we?

Have you ever
cheated on Tish?

Once.

In Monopoly.

I stole all
her good properties

while she was
doing her nails.

How about you?

[Maria]
A Catholic schoolgirl?

-Yeah.
-No.

So what will
happen to us?

Well, we could be
lovers,

or we could be
friends.

We are friends.

If we're lovers,

we have to lie.

I don't think
I can do that.

Yeah. Me either.

We could make love once

and then never
see each other again.

Hmm.

Friends, then.

Very special friends.

Oh, Tom and Tish will be
insane with jealousy.

So what?

Who cares?

We're gonna
be innocent.

We'll be this
great couple.

Years from now, we'll be in the
Guinness Book of Records.

"20 years,"
people will say,

"and they never had sex."

"You're kidding me."
"No. It's true."

And all those years,

I'll be dreaming
of kissing you.

With tongue
or without?

How about just one?

Friends?

Remember.

What do you do
on the weekend?

I spend as much time
as I can with Chloe.

Tom loves to go to
restaurants he cannot afford,

then complains
all through dinner.

Bye.

Bye.

Hey!

Hey, let's pretend to meet
at a restaurant.

Saturday night?

I'll bring my father.

[Larry]
Mario's. 9:00.

Did you let it breathe?

Sir, I personally
gave it mouth-to-mouth.

Excellent.

Does anyone
ever send it back?

Not the house wine, sir.

Look who's here.

Hey, look who's here.

What a coincidence.

Hi.

Come join us.

Yes. By all means.

Really? Well,
what do you think?

That'd be fun. What do you
say? Yeah, that'd be great.

I've always
wanted to come here.

What are those,
children's portions?

The flowers are
bigger than the food.

Could we get some
more wine over here, please?

Look at all these
self-satisfied pigs
stuffing themselves.

People are starving.

Mitch.

You know, I really wish
someone with an Uzi

would walk in here
and take all this jewelry

everyone's showing off.

They're just symbols
of a sick society.

Hey, I started out pumping gas
when I was your age.

Now I own
a string of stations.

And that can only happen
in this society.

Please make them
stop, Larry.

Oh, I think everybody's
entitled to their own opinion.

-Don't you, Edie?
-Oh, yes.

As long as they
agree with mine.

[laughs]

So how you like
this wine, Vince?

Let me put it to you this way.
I'd rather have a case
of the clap

than a case of this wine.

Oh, boy.

[Vince]
See these prices here?

I think Phil would have
wanted you to take us out
to dinner.

I think Phil would have wanted
you and me to split it.

To Phil.

Yeah.

To Phil.

[all]
To Phil.

[scoffs]

Excuse me.

What's wrong with her?

I don't know.

She went to
the ladies' room. I will go.

No, Mama. I'll go.

[sobbing]

Tish?

Open up.

[Tish] Go away.

Come on. Let me in.

[Tish]
Please leave me alone.

Tish?

You bought him those
terrible boxer shorts,
didn't you?

I didn't mean
anything by it.

It was just a joke.

Tom said you were
having an affair,

but I didn't believe him

until I saw how you
looked at each other.

We're not
having an affair.

We've been playing
a little game

to get back
at you and Tom.

It's just gone too far.

I'm sorry.

She's so nice.

She's so nice.

[Larry] Tish.

Here, go get us some
ice cream, Mitchie.

But I don't want
to miss anything.

Ice cream!

Please get us some
ice cream, Mitchie.

Don't talk to him
like that.

Tish.

Tish, wait a minute.

-Son.
-What?

-Are you bedding
that woman?
-Tish?

Well, Christ, son,
I hope you're bedding
your own wife.

No, the other one. Maria.

No, Pop, I'm not.

Well, you sure as hell
act like it, both of you.

Well, I'm not.
We're just friends.

Well, then, get
your house in order.

Pop, if you don't
stop bossing
people around...

You know that tall building
over there?

It's called a Hilton.

[Larry] Tish.

Tish. Come on, sweetheart.

Tish, come on. You're making
a big deal out of nothing.

Tish, open up.

Come on, sweetheart.

Listen, you're not doing
anything stupid in there,
are you?

Oh. Hi.

Oh, we haven't seen
this outfit for a while,
have we?

You sure you don't want
to talk about this, huh?

I guess not.

[door opens]

Phil? Oh, God.

What's happening?
Hmm?

What?

Oh. Great, you think I'm
too young to talk about sex?

Is that it?

You know,
I've had sex.

Yeah.
Sure you have.

I have.

She was 300 pounds.

And when I was
up on top of her,

I was so high, my arms and legs
didn't even touch the bed.

And when she breathed,
I flew up and down

like I was on
a trampoline.

Why the hell you make up
all this nonsense?

I'm a multimedia
artist.

That's what I do.
I make up nonsense.

Wow.

Do you
still have sex?

Rarely.

Do you miss it?

Yeah. Oh, God.

Then why don't you
have it?

I've just been thinking
the same thing.

[wedding march chimes]

Smile. Good.

Welcome
to Weddingland.

And which joyous event
will you be attending?

Uh, Kozinski.

The crystal gazebo.

A right, then a left.

Dusty, will you
take them?

Macintosh.

The pink rose castle.

♪ Isn't it romantic?
Music in the night ♪

♪ A dream
That can be heard ♪

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

♪ Morning shadows write
The oldest magic word ♪

Kiss.

♪ I hear the breezes playing ♪

Hey, good shot, Mitch.

Okay, together.
Let me see the gut.
Let me see the gut. Hey!

No x-rated pictures,
you bad boy.

Weddings are
joyful occasions.

They're Pagan rituals, okay?

He's got it under control,
here, Aunt Sofia.

I had a good shot.
She's stifling art.

Edie.

How are you?

Is that a dress
you wear to a wedding?

-I made it.
My own design.
-Oh.

-See you later.
-Bye.

That's a dress you wear
to a hooker's wedding.

Good to see you
again, Edie.

Hi, Vince.

-Sofia.
-How do you do?

How are you?

-Howdy.
-Hey.

♪ A time for us
Someday there'll be ♪

♪ When chains are torn ♪

Ah!

Speak up.

♪ A time
When dreams deny ♪

That is a
beautiful dress.

Here's looking
at you, kid.

Weddings really
turn me on.

Oh, yeah.

Music going
all the time.

I can't live
without music.

Look at her.

Look at her. It's not enough
she killed the first one.

Now she's out
to kill the brother, too.

The kiss of death.

You're a sight
for sore eyes.

You know that,
don't you?

I am an old
lonely woman.

My life is over.

I try to be a good
grandmother now.

I'm thinking
of making jam.

I like your shoes.

It shows off your
bubblegum toes.

What was I saying?

Giving me that crap
about being old.

♪ A world of shining hope
For you and me ♪

[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,

at this time, we're so happy to
bring on the dance floor

for their first dance,
Mr. and Mrs. Dean Kozinski!

♪ See the stone
Set in your eyes ♪

♪ See the thorn
Twist in your side ♪

♪ I'll wait... ♪

-Dance with me.
-Sure.

-What?
-Huh?

Somebody
dance with me.

Sure. Yeah.

What are you--?

♪ And you give
Yourself away... ♪

♪ And you give ♪

♪ And you give ♪

♪ And you give
Yourself away ♪

♪ With or without you ♪

♪ With or without you ♪

♪ I can't live ♪

♪ With or without you ♪

♪ Ah ♪

Go dance with your wife.

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ With or without you ♪

♪ With or without you ♪

-♪ I can't live ♪
-Why don't we go for a walk?

♪ With or without you ♪

♪ With or without you ♪

The marriage business
is sure booming.

Business is right.

Would you and your wife
like a piece of cake?

Oh, thank you,
but she's not my wife.

In that case, can I have
your phone number?

-[woman] What are you doing?
-Kidding!

-Congratulations.
-Thank you. I'm kidding.

What do you think
we would be like as
a married couple?

Horrendous.

Awful.

Oh, sure. First you'd
find me witty, charming,

fall in love with those cute
sounds I make in the morning.

Then about three months,

you'd want to smother me
with a pillow because
I talk too much.

Oh, no.
I love our talks.

Well, we talk now
because we're not married.

-[Tish] They're in love.
-[Tom] They're not in love.

They are.

And it's our fault.

I'm out.

They're not in love.

Here.

Have some of mine.

Why are you
being nice to me?

To make them
jealous, right?

I've always
been nice to you.

Never.

Then how come
you had sex with me?

'Cause I thought you were
intelligent and going
somewhere with your life,

Ha! But I've had cause
to reconsider my first opinion.

I'm goin' somewhere.
You think I'm going to
sell Subarus forever?

Plus, I have a lot of
deep thoughts.

I just have a hard time
talking to women.

Well, you're talking to me.

You're different.

How?

I don't know.
Different.

Different than Maria.

Maria's...

Too good for me.

You know, if Larry
got a good job

and he stopped playing
that trumpet,

I could be happy.

And you know, I wouldn't be
attracted to someone like you.

-What the hell does that mean,
"someone like me"?
-[groans]

♪ Hi ho the derry-o ♪

♪ The bride cuts the cake ♪

♪ The bride cuts the cake♪

♪ The bride cuts the cake ♪

Hey, buddy,
where you been, huh?

-Where've you been?
-Where the hell's my wife?

-I don't know.
-Oh, Tommy--

Where's Maria?
Have you seen her?

Don't worry about her, Tommy.
Come on.

[woman]
Come watch them cut the cake.

Let's go cut the cake. That's
an idea. Let's go cut the cake.

Somebody stop him.
Stop him!

[woman screams]

[screams]

Mama, the cake!

I know, don't--
I know.

[Edie] You go straight.

[Maria]
Mama, you open the door.

[Edie]
You go straight.

Sweetheart, are you going
to be sick again?

Mm-mmm.

Lie still, dear.

I'll get a Hefty bag.

Can I use the phone
to call a cab?

Don't be ridiculous.
Take my car.

I'll stay here tonight.

You can bring it
back tomorrow,

with a full tank of gas.

I'll bring it back tomorrow
on one condition--

to pick you up
to have dinner.

Vince, we are
not compatible.

Oh, come on, dinner.

On me?

All right.

You've made an old man
very happy.

You are not so old.

Yeah, I know.
And I'm not so happy.

He'll be fine.

This is so crazy.
We haven't done anything.

They think we have.

We have to stop.

I know.

It's so unfair.

You've become
my best friend.

But you know,

married men and women
are only allowed

to be close friends
in large groups.

For Tish.

Ah.

[car starts]

I'm gonna miss you.

Mitch, don't do that.

It's so cool.

Just don't.

-Feeling better?
-Mmm.

Do you want me
to leave?

No.

I will if you
want me to.

I've always
liked you so much.

I like you, too.

I was almost unfaithful
to your father once.

I knew this was coming.

He was a barber.

He looked just like
John Forsythe,

only bald.

And Italian.

I'm not sleeping
with Larry.

But you are
thinking about it.

He makes me feel good.

We talk. We walk.
We have fun.

What's so wrong?

This walk you are taking
is right into quicksand.

I haven't been happy
with Tom in a long time.

Who says you're supposed
to be happy?

Oh, excuse me.

I dare to want
to be happy.

As my mother,
pace l'anima sua,
used to say,

"Primo alla famiglia
e dopo il piacere."

Why always my problems
have to be solved
with proverbs?

You have a nice home
and a beautiful child.

[Maria]
An unfaithful husband.

That doesn't mean he
doesn't love you.

It just means he's stupid.

I think Tom,
in his own way,

wanted to get caught

because he's
unhappy, too.

Well, you-- I just want
to ask you a question.

And then I'll shut up
and mind my own business.

Are you really ready
to change your entire life

and the life of those
close to you

for a dance teacher?

Until you are sure,

don't do anything
you'll regret.

Sorry.

Don't move!

Ohh!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Aah!

Aah!

Moo.

Yeah. Moo.

[cows moo]

Moo.

Moo.

Oak Lane?

Round the bend.

Are you happy?

About what?

[man on TV]
Now, what we've been involved
in here in the greens

is to try to form
and to lay out...

Hello.

We'd like to, uh, rent one
of your cottages, please.

For how long?

Uh...

Just for the afternoon,
thanks.

It's nice.

The fireplace works.

No room service, but the cafe
off the highway delivers.

Menu's by the phone.

Oh, and yes,
the paintings
are for sale.

Well...

I love it.

Nervous?

Mm-hmm.

Me, too.

Oh, shit!

We broke the lamp.

I've wanted to do
something like that
my entire life!

[laughs]

Oh, look,
your lip's bleeding.

I bit my lip.

Round three.

What's this?

They're all yours, Mitchie.

I'm going for the real thing.

♪ I'm a love man ♪

Samurai hair stylist.
Yaah!

Hyah!

Jeez, I hope you know
what you're doing.

♪ That's what they call me
I'm a love man ♪

Don't know why
I let you do this.

♪ 6'1", weight 210 ♪

♪ Long hair
And pretty fair skin ♪

♪ Long legs,
And I'm all out of sight ♪

♪ Hey, little girl,
I'm goin' to take you out ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a love man ♪

♪ That's what they call me
I'm a love man ♪

♪ Make love to you
In the morning, girl ♪

♪ Make love to you
At night, now ♪

♪ Make love to you
When you think about it ♪

♪ I wanna make sure
Everything all right ♪

♪ 'Cau-'cau-'cau-'cau-
'Cause I'm a love man ♪

♪ Ooh, baby,
I'm a love man ♪

♪ That's what they call me
I'm a love man ♪

♪ Baby, here comes
The love man ♪

♪ 6'1", weight 210 ♪

♪ Long hair
And pretty fair skin... ♪

Mandarin egg rolls,
shrimp cocktail,

turkey club sandwich,

and lox with scrambled eggs.

-Oh, and a chocolate cake.
-Oh, yeah.

So what do you want?

French fries.

Oh, and French fries,
please.

-With lots of ketchup.
-Lots of ketchup.

Oh, and wait, do you have
any champagne?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, great. Oh!
And please hurry.

Tha-thank you.

[knock on door]

That was quick.

Yes?

[woman]
It's the maid.

Would you like
the bed turned down?

Uh, no, thank you.

I better call home.

Closer. Closer still.

Aah!

Closer still.

Aah!

...Ser still.

I'll be with her
till Tom gets home.

Don't worry.
Where are you?

Can I speak
to Chloe, Mama?

Hi, sweetheart.
How was school today?

Leonard Pearson
scratched you?

But this is awful.

Are you all right?

I'm gonna be home
a little late tonight.

Why?

Because I'm seeing
some friends.

But I'll be home
to kiss you good night.

Be a good girl
for daddy.

I love you.

I had to lie
to my daughter.

I'll bet this
is the first one
she ever sold.

Mm.

It's late.

I'm sorry
I fell asleep.

I fell asleep, too.

Does falling asleep
mean we've finally
gotten each other

out of our system?

No.

It means we were
both tired.

I'd better go.

I'll call you tomorrow.

[creaking]

Your office called.

Because you called in sick,

they wanted to know
if you were all right.

Are you all right?

Tom.

If, um, I hadn't acted
like an idiot,

would this have happened?

You were just
being you.

Sometimes a man
thinks he has
to prove himself

by being with a lot of women.

Tom...

If you're going to tell me
about your infidelities,

I will have to
leave you forever.

Oh, uh...

Chloe's teacher
would like to talk to you.

Are you in love with him?

If I am,
I'll get over it.

Yeah.

We were in love
once upon a time.

We got over it.

[telephone rings]

[groans]

Yeah. Yeah.

You go near
my wife again,

and I'll kill you.

Hey, Pop.

What's the matter?

My brother Phil just
called me from the grave.

He said to stay away
from Edie,

or he'd kill me.

You were dreaming, Pop.

No.

But she doesn't
want me anyway.

Doesn't think
we're compatible.

No. Don't do that.

Let me make you
breakfast.

Hi.

I'm not leaving
because I'm angry,
or mad, or anything.

I want you to be free
to make up your mind.

Where are you going?

My mom's.

I'll have the rest of my
clothes picked up later.

Your mother
gives you hives.

Wh-what are you doing?

Not this time.
It's time I face up to her.

See, I'm not as dumb
as you think.

I think you're the smartest
person around here.

Now, wait a minute.
Shouldn't we be
talking about this?

No, I've made up
my mind.

Well, at least let me
help you here.

You can help me
get a cab.

So how did your
big date go last night?

Can you keep a secret?

Yeah, sure.

So can I.

You...

Mrs. Davidow, hello.

Hello, Mrs. Hardy.

Good morning, Chloe.

-Did you want to talk to me?
-Mm-hmm.

Would you take over
for a while, Elaine?

I'm concerned
about Chloe's arm.

-She has a scratch.
She said that--
-Excuse me!

She said that
Leonard Pearson
did it to her.

You know, it's time for us
to do some serious sharing

and interfacing
about Chloe,
Mrs. Hardy.

Can I offer you
a cup of decaf?

So what do you think?
This is beautiful or what?

Isn't it gorgeous?
Isn't it great?

Leather, the whole thing.
What do you say we go
for a ride?

I'll go grab the keys, huh?

Come on, come on.
I'll get the keys,
I'll be right back.

This is it.
I can feel it.

I can smell it. I'm telling
you, I'm taking them
for a test-drive.

Do you hear
what I'm saying?

I know it.
I sell this Beemer,

I'm off to Vegas.
I'm goin', man.

I got 'em. I got 'em.
Got 'em. Got 'em!

Oh, my God, my God.

Yo, Mel, can you
open up that window?

Wanna take the 750
for a test drive?

Can I tantalize you with
something in the meantime?

I'm here
to see Tom.

[man] A mistake,
but I'll be right back.

Hi.

So... you're
finally buying a car.

Thinking about it.

Hey, I'll see you later.
I'll be right back.

Got it definitely
under control.

I left Larry.

[crash]

[man] Are you crazy,
you stupid shit?

Get that piece of...

[Tish]
That was really great.

[Tom]
It was great.

[Tish]
It wasn't sogreat.

[Tom]
What are you talking about?
It was great.

[Tish]
No, it was different.

Well, it's different
in a bed.

No, it's not the bed.

It's different.

You're different.

Well, it's different
now that you're, um...

Now that I'm what?

Now that you're, uh...

on your own.

Oh, my God. I just
realized something.

You're one of those men
who can only do this

because you're married.

You're not interested
in anyone

-that you'd have to have
some responsibility--
-Calm down!

You know, I'm up for
a new position
in the fashion office

and I took time out
today because I thought
that maybe you'd--

You thought that
maybe I'd what?

Nothing. There's a run
in my panty hose.

[Tom]
What's the matter with you?

I'm being tested
and punished

for my stupidity.

Oh, I deserve this.

She looks much better.

Hey, what
a great surprise.

I had no idea how much
I loved sanding.

Is sandpapering
going to be
your next job?

I don't think so.

No, I was thinking
that you and me

ought to open
a restaurant some place.

Why, do you cook?

No, but I do dishes.

A restaurant where?

Somewhere where
we could hang a sign

that says "gone sailing"
anytime we want.

And people
would understand?

"Understand"?
Are you kidding me?

People will approve.

And what about
your son? Wife?

Mitch goes
to spend next term

with his mother
in San Francisco,

then college.

Tish, I don't know
what she wants,

but it certainly
isn't me.

It must be beautiful
out there.

Does that mean
you're gonna come along?

Chloe has been lying
about a boy attacking her

when actually she has been
beating on him.

But the teacher thinks
she's acting out
her anger toward Tom.

Oh...

The other day
she put a cat
in the school dryer.

The teacher thinks,
um...

it's because she doesn't
get enough attention,

'cause I'm not doing
a good enough job.

No. Now kids
go through stages.

My husband
and my daughter need me.

And us?

Us? Well, we do what
generally people do...

Go on with their lives.

Maybe people aren't
supposed to be happy.

No, I don't
believe that.

I came to say goodbye.

I know.

Have you
been crying?

I have.

I have been crying
a lot lately.

I'm making up for all
these years I didn't.

I'm fine.

And I'm only sorry
we never had
a chance to dance.

You all got to be crazy!

Pop, please, I've got
enough problems.

Go home.
I'll call you.

Larry, Larry, just listen
to me for once.

If you love that woman
the way I think you do,

sometimes in life you gotta
fight to the death.

I am familiar with
this philosophy, Pop.

I believe it's Attila the Hun
who said it first.

Yeah? Well this is what
your father Vincent Kozinski
is saying first,

last, and always.

You've got only
one life to live.

You can either
make it chicken shit

or chicken salad.

Good chops.

I'm glad
you like them.

My favorite.

I know.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Maybe, um...

We can make love later.

Good.

Thank you.

[sighs]

Phil always said there was
a future in garbage.

I just never thought
it would be my future.

You were very generous in your
business dealings, Vince.

Very generous.

Now, don't let it
get around.

You're not
such a tough guy.

A tough guy might've
made a pass at you.

But not you!

Well, I'd say I got
this big empty house
in the country.

Come and visit me
and we can celebrate.

I'd say I am too old
for traveling.

[Edie squeals]

I love you, Edie.

My God.

[Sofia]
All right. All right.

Auntie Sofia.

[Sofia]
Poor angel, poor angel.

Okay. Okay, okay.

You still want
to kill people?

No, they're
too stupid.

You're telling me.
Your grandfather's
about to marry

the Bermuda Triangle.

Oh, that's very good news.
Very good.

God bless you.

[Tom]
Hi, Vince.

-Father.
-A pleasure.

Uh, you know my son,
I'm sure, huh?

Yeah, nice to
see you again.

-Hi.
-Hi.

You're late.

You've met Kathy,
haven't you?

Kathy,
this is Tish.

Hi.

Hi. It's nice
to meet you.

What? What?

Start! Start!

It's too late.
I did it.

Look at those kids.
They're cute.

Here we go.

[dog barks]

Vincent, will you
take this woman
to be your wife?

Yeah. Can I kiss her?

Not yet.

-Say, "I will."
-[Vincent] I will.

[priest]
Edie, will you take this man
to be your husband?

I will.

Vincent and Edie,
you have made

this solemn covenant
of marriage

before God
and this company.

Always follow
your bliss.

Always follow
what your heart says.

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[applause]

At this point,
ladies and gentlemen,
we need the assistance

of a volunteer
from the audience.
Somebody--

-Hey, me!
-who wouldn't mind
lending us a hand...

Sit, sit, sit!

or perhaps
his whole body--

And I think we
have one here.

Hi, how are you, sir?

-What's your name?
-Uh, Stan.

Hi. Uh, Stan, we're going
to ask you to remove
your jacket

if you wouldn't mind,

and Michelle will help you
off with it there.

Another girl
in here, huh?

Try not to be funnier
than the magician,
would you, Stan?

Just lie down,
make yourself comfortable.

We don't have to stay
here, darling.

I'm fine.

I don't want you
to feel uncomfortable.

Why would I feel
uncomfortable?

I mean, uh,
I'm not if you're not.

Okay.

And... easy, boy.

Okay. Here we go.

-Ready?
-Oh, yeah. Oh!

That's good, yeah.

Congratulations
on your promotion.

It agrees with you.
You never looked more
beautiful.

Thank you.

I've redone
the apartment.

It's sort of post-modern
meets the Jetsons.

You should come
and see it sometime.

I will.

I'm good now.
I'm good.

And don't go away.

-You want a drink?
-No, thank you.

-I'm going to get a drink.
-All right.

[magician]
We're going to show
you something really puzzling.

I'm sorry.

Larry, do you know
why I married you?

My money?

Your eyes.

I thought a man
with your eyes

would never hurt
a woman.

Have I?

No.

Good luck, Larry.

Thank you.

[magician]
And now what
we're going to do now

we'll introduce you
to a little friend of mine.

Sammy the Saw.

Oh, you want
to go home?

Good. Let's talk to Daddy.
We'll go home, okay?

Hey, he didn't have that
much to begin with.

[man]
Oh, ho. Hold on, wait.

You know, I came
this close to having her.

Ha!

-Now, that was fantastic.
-Well, we're not finished yet.

Put him together later on.

I want to dance
with my wife.

Give us a waltz,
huh?

They look so sweet.

Hi.

Hi.

Tell your story
walking, Larry.

Maria, would you
dance with me?

No. She won't.

Please stop.

Larry, no.

Well, then how about spending
the rest of your life with me?

What are you
talking about?

You know, I haven't hit
another human being

since the eighth grade,
but if you want to fight,

I will fight.

-Please, please, please!
-Fine.

What's going on here?

Pop, please, will ya?

I'm trying to make
a little chicken salad

out of chicken shit here.

Maria, everyone
is looking.

Wait a minute.

I've kept my part
of the bargain
for Chloe's sake.

Well, maybe Chloe deserves
more than a bargain, Tom.

You come and
get in the car
with me right now,

or I'm leaving you
for good.

Larry Kozinski,
I would love to dance with you.

-Dance, please,
everybody, dance.
-Dance!

I'm taking
my present back.

Yoo-hoo!

Mitch!

[Chloe]
Come on, Mitch.

-Up! Here we go!
-Mitch, come.

Come on quick,
we gotta leave.

Come on, please!

Come on. Hurry up.

Mitch!

[Mitch]
Wait, Dad.

Dad, Dad. Stop it.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Come on.