All language subtitles for Karmasa Bitch S02E01 Revenge on Wheels 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP 2 0 H 264-ROSHI_track3_[eng]

MY NAME IS STEVE SCHIRRIPA,

AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT REVENGE.

WE'RE DATING THE SAME GUY?

Schirripa: IMAGINE YOU'VE BEEN
CHEATED ON OR LIED TO.

I WAS SO UPSET
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Schirripa:
YOU'VE BEEN FLAT-OUT PLAYED.

HE WAS HOLDING OUR STUFF
HOSTAGE.

NOW THAT I'VE GOT YOUR STUFF,
WE GOT A NEW DEAL.

Schirripa:
NATURALLY, YOU WANT TO GET EVEN.

THERE WAS A BREAKING POINT.
I HAD TO FIGHT BACK.

PAY ME, TAKE YOUR STUFF,
AND GET OUT OF HERE.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

BETWEEN MY ANGER
AND HER EVIL GENIUS,

WE CAME UP
WITH THE PERFECT PLAN.

BUT WHAT GOES AROUND
COMES AROUND.

THAT'S CALLED "KARMA,"
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY...

--Captions by VITAC--
www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY
DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

Stockmar: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOU GUYS HAVE TO HURRY

A LITTLE BIT BECAUSE WE ARE
ON A BIT OF A TIMELINE HERE.

Schirripa: AFTER THREE YEARS
TOGETHER IN THE MILE-HIGH CITY,

VANESSA STOCKMAR,
AN EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT,

AND HER HUSBAND, CAMERON ALMOND,
A CAREER NAVY MAN,

ARE MOVING TO VIRGINIA.

CAM WAS GETTING READY TO RETIRE
IN A FEW YEARS FROM THE NAVY.

IT WAS A NEW BEGINNING,
SO I WAS EXCITED.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
BUT ME --

MOVING DAY'S ALWAYS BEEN
A BIG PAIN IN THE ASS.

BUT IT SHOULDN'T BE A NIGHTMARE.

[ GLASS BREAKS ]

THE MAIN THING IS FINDING
A MOVER YOU CAN TRUST.

VANESSA AND CAMERON FIGURED THEY
HAD THAT DETAIL ALL PACKED UP.

I'M CHECKING OUT THE INTERNET
TRYING TO FIND A MOVING COMPANY,

AND I FOUND THESE GUYS.

THEY HAD ALL THE INFORMATION
I NEEDED.

WE ACTUALLY LOOKED AT
A COUPLE OF DIFFERENT COMPANIES,

AND THEY WERE A LITTLE BIT
MORE EXPENSIVE

THAN WHAT WE FOUND
WITH RONNIE AND HIS COMPANY.

Stockmar: RONNIE SENT CAMERON
AN ESTIMATE -- BIG ESTIMATE --

NON-BINDING AT THE TIME.

WELL, HONEY, I DON'T THINK
WE COULD GET A BETTER PRICE.

I MEAN, THAT'S FANTASTIC.

IT WAS ABOUT $3,600.

Schirripa: VANESSA AND CAMERON

THINK THEY'VE FOUND
THE RIGHT PRICE

AND SIGN A CONTRACT
RIGHT ON THE DOTTED LINE.

Stockmar:
WHEN I GAVE HIM THE DEPOSIT,

WHICH WAS A LITTLE UNDER $800,

AND IT HAD CLEARED, I FIGURED
WE WERE ALL GOOD TO GO.

I FELT COMFORTABLE
WITH OUR DECISION.

Schirripa: SO IT LOOKS LIKE

ALL THAT CAMERON AND VANESSA
HAVE TO DO NOW

IS GO AND ENJOY THEIR NEW LIFE
IN VIRGINIA.

HEY. NICE PAD.

THERE'S JUST ONE LITTLE SNAG --
NOTHING'S BEEN DELIVERED YET.

YOU SEE, THEIR STUFF'S
STILL 2,000 MILES AWAY.

WAS THIS A BIG PROBLEM?

WELL, NOT RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

I LOVE OUR NEW HOUSE.

[ LAUGHS ]

WE'RE GONNA HAVE
SOME GOOD PARTIES IN HERE.

THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY.

I ACTUALLY HAD NOTHING --
NOTHING TO SLEEP ON,

DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING OTHER THAN
WHAT I CARRIED ON THE AIRPLANE.

OUR CONTRACT HAD SAID

THAT THEY WOULD HAVE OUR STUFF
IN VIRGINIA WITHIN SIX DAYS.

Schirripa: BUT THAT'S NOT
EXACTLY THE WAY IT WENT DOWN.

TURNS OUT THIS MOVER GUY,
RONNIE LEVIN,

WAS A TOTAL SCUMBAG.

HE MOVED THEIR FURNITURE,
ALL RIGHT,

STRAIGHT INTO HIS OWN WAREHOUSE,
AND THEN HE GAVE THEM A CALL.

COME ON, GUYS.
LET'S GET THESE IN UNIT 4, OKAY?

KEEP MOVING.
TIME'S MONEY HERE.

[ CELLPHONE DIALS, RINGING ]

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

HELLO?

HELLO, CAMERON?
RONNIE LEVIN.

YEAH, THERE'S BEEN
A CHANGE OF PLANS.

Almond: EVERYTHING STARTED

AFTER I GOT THE INITIAL
PHONE CALL FROM RONNIE.

HE SAID, "WE'RE NOT
GOING TO MOVE YOUR STUFF

FOR THE PRICE THAT WAS QUOTED."

YEAH, WE HAD SOME UNFORESEEN
COSTS DURING THE MOVE.

It's gonna be $9,700.

$9,700?!
THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

WHICH WAS TRIPLE THE PRICE
THAT WE WERE ORIGINALLY QUOTED.

Schirripa: THE PROBLEM --

WELL, THE DEVIL'S
IN THE DETAILS.

THE FINE PRINT ON THEIR CONTRACT
SAYS THAT RONNIE CAN CHARGE

FOR WHAT ARE CALLED
ADDITIONAL EXPENSES.

BUT THREE TIMES THE QUOTE?

TO ME, THAT SOUNDS A LOT
LIKE EXTORTION.

Stockmar:
I FELT SICK TO MY STOMACH.

THERE WAS NO WAY
WE WERE ABLE TO GIVE HIM $9,700.

Schirripa: BUT, HEY,
A CONTRACT'S A CONTRACT,

AND VANESSA AND CAMERON
FIGURE THAT LEGALLY,

THEY DON'T HAVE A LEG
TO STAND ON.

THIS IS NOT JUST A SOFA
AND A TABLE.

THIS IS EVERYTHING
YOU'VE EVER OWNED IN YOUR LIFE

NOW IN THE HANDS
OF A MANIPULATIVE MAN.

HE'S VERY MUCH
HOLDING IT RANSOM.

I'M PISSED.

YEAH, WELL,
NOW THAT I'VE GOT YOUR STUFF.

WE GOT A NEW DEAL.

[ BEEPS ]

Stockmar: HE HAD SAID THAT

IF WE DID NOT PAY THE MONEY,

OUR STUFF
WOULD BE GOING TO AUCTION.

GUYS, COME ON!
LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

Schirripa:
SO VANESSA AND CAMERON

TRY TO BARGAIN WITH LEVIN
TO GET THEIR STUFF BACK.

Stockmar: I THOUGHT
THERE WAS A WAY OF NEGOTIATING,

BUT THERE WASN'T.

I MEAN, HE WAS THREATENING EVERY
CONVERSATION WE HAD WITH HIM.

IT WAS HORRIBLE.

THE WHOLE SITUATION
WAS HORRIBLE,

AND IT WENT ON
FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS.

Schirripa: TO MAKE THINGS WORSE,

CAMERON'S
GOT TO GO BACK ON DUTY,

SO NOW VANESSA'S ALL ALONE
IN THEIR EMPTY HOUSE.

EVERYTHING AT HOME IS STRESSFUL.
I'M OUT TO SEA ALL THE TIME.

VANESSA'S HERE CRYING EVERY DAY,

AND THERE'S NOTHING
I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

CAMERON AND I HAD FIGHTS
ABOUT IT EVERY TIME HE GOT HOME

BECAUSE
IT'S ALL WE TALKED ABOUT.

IT WAS CONSUMING US.

I BLAMED HIM
BECAUSE HE'D GO OUT TO SEA,

AND AT LEAST HE HAD A BED
TO SLEEP IN AND DISHES AND FOOD.

IT WAS REALLY DIFFICULT
ON OUR RELATIONSHIP.

Schirripa: BUT WHILE CAMERON'S
AWAY, VANESSA HITS THE INTERNET.

THERE WAS A BREAKING POINT WHERE
I FELT LIKE I HAD TO FIGHT BACK.

I WAS GONNA GET MY STUFF.

Schirripa:
AND SHE FINDS DOZENS OF POSTS

FROM OTHER ANGRY CUSTOMERS.

LEVIN'S PULLED THIS CON BEFORE.

I WOULD FIND SITES
WHERE PEOPLE WOULD SAY,

"DON'T LET HIM MOVE YOUR STUFF.
HE'S A SCAM ARTIST.

HE GETS YOUR STUFF,
HE KEEPS IT, HE SELLS IT."

ONCE I FOUND OUT
WHAT HIS HISTORY WAS,

IT KIND OF GAVE ME ENERGY
TO TRACK HIM DOWN.

SO I STARTED MAKING PHONE CALLS
TO PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

THAT HAD DONE BUSINESS WITH HIM
BEFORE AND E-MAILING THEM.

I THOUGHT
THAT I HAD A GOOD CASE.

Schirripa:
ARMED WITH A LONG LIST OF PEOPLE
THAT LEVIN SCAMMED,

VANESSA'S ALL GEARED UP FOR
A FIGHT TO GET HER STUFF BACK.

SO SHE TAKES OFF FOR DENVER.

SHE TALKS TO THE COPS, THE D.A.

NOBODY CAN DO NOTHING.

AND THEN KARMA STEPS IN.

Stockmar: I CALLED THE
DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION.

HE ASKED ME
IF I WOULD BE WILLING

TO MEET WITH AN AGENT
WITH THE FBI.

AND I SAID, "YES, I WOULD."

THE FBI -- THEY HAD INFORMED ME
THAT SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE

HAD COMPLAINTS
ABOUT RONNIE SCAMMING THEM.

OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S HIM.

Schirripa:
NOW, THIS GUY LEVIN --

OH, HE WAS A TOTAL SCAM ARTIST,
A REAL PIECE OF WORK.

THE FEDS FIGURED HE'D
SHAKEN DOWN DOZENS OF OTHERS

JUST LIKE VANESSA.

Stockmar: SOME OF THE PEOPLE

HAD JUST WALKED AWAY
FROM THEIR STUFF, THEY TOLD ME,

AND I SAID, "I'M NOT GONNA
WALK AWAY FROM ANY OF MY STUFF."

YEAH. LEVIN.

WELL, YOU TELL HER IF SHE WANTS
US TO PUT THAT BACK TOGETHER,

IT'S GONNA COST
ANOTHER 500 BUCKS.

UNIT 4.
UNIT 6, OKAY?

Schirripa: THE FBI's
BEEN ON TO THIS GUY FOR MONTHS,

BUT THEY STILL CAN'T NAIL HIM.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

HE'S HIDING BEHIND
THE FINE PRINT IN HIS CONTRACTS.

AND THE FEDS NEED HARD PROOF
OF EXTORTION.

AND THAT GIVES VANESSA AN IDEA.

I HAD SAID TO THEM,
"WHAT IF I GO UNDERCOVER?"

Schirripa:
IF SHE CAN GET HIM TALKING,

SHE'S PRETTY SURE HE'LL COUGH UP

WHAT THE FEDS NEED
TO PUT HIM AWAY.

Almond: THE FBI SAID,
"WE CAN'T ASK YOU TO DO THAT."

AND SHE SAYS,
"I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO ASK ME.

I'M TELLING YOU I'LL GO."

Stockmar: I WANTED REVENGE,

AND I WANTED
TO SEE RONNIE LOCKED UP.

I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING AT
THIS POINT TO GET MY STUFF BACK.

I'M WITH YOU, VANESSA.

LISTEN, THIS JAMOKE'S
GOT IT COMING,

BUT YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL.

LIKE I LEARNED A LONG TIME AGO
IN BROOKLYN,

MESSING WITH CROOKS CAN BE
REAL BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.

Schirripa: VANESSA STOCKMAR'S
GOING UNDERCOVER WITH THE FBI

TO TRY AND NAB A CROOK

WHO'S HOLDING EVERYTHING
SHE OWNS FOR RANSOM.

Stockmar:
THE FBI SETS ME UP WITH A WIRE

AND A SMALL CAMERA
TO RECORD EVERYTHING.

I WAS NERVOUS, SCARED.

I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME,
I WAS EXCITED.

I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING
TO TAKE RONNIE DOWN.

TEST. TEST.

Schirripa: THE FIRST THING
SHE'S GOT TO DO IS SET THE BAIT.

Stockmar: THE FBI
JUST WANTS TO HEAR THAT RONNIE

IS STILL TRYING TO EXTORT MONEY
OUT OF US.

I SHOW UP AT RONNIE'S
UNANNOUNCED.

AND HE'S ALL SURPRISED
THAT I'M THERE.

Almond:
EVERYTHING IS GOING DOWN.

I'M OUT TO SEA.

THE ANTICIPATION
IS JUST TEARING ME UP INSIDE

BECAUSE I CAN'T TALK TO HER.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

Stockmar:
I SAID, "I HAVE YOUR MONEY.

I WANT TO GET MY STUFF TODAY."

HE SAYS, "WELL, I DON'T HAVE
A TRUCK. I CAN'T DO IT."

I SAID, "YOU DON'T NEED A TRUCK.
I BROUGHT MY OWN TRUCK."

THIS IS STORAGE COSTS.
IT'S NON-NEGOTIABLE.

PAY ME, TAKE YOUR STUFF,
AND GET OUT OF HERE.

Stockmar:
OKAY, YOU WIN.

IT'S ABOUT TIME.

THERE'S YOUR STUFF.

I'LL GO GET MY TRUCK.

YEAH, YOU DO THAT,
SWEETHEART.

[ SIGHS ]

ONCE I TOLD HIM THAT I HAD
THE MONEY, HE TOOK THE BAIT.

Schirripa: VANESSA WAS RIGHT.

RONNIE FELL RIGHT INTO HER TRAP,
AND NOW IT'S SHOW TIME.

THE POLICE SHOW UP,
AND IT'S JUST CRAZY.

Levin:
AND SHE WENT FOR IT.

Man: FBI. ARREST.
HANDS UP.

I WANTED TO BE THERE
JUST FOR VINDICATION.

[ HANDCUFFS CLICKING ]

IF I HADN'T
HAVE GONE UNDERCOVER,

HE WOULD HAVE
STILL BEEN IN BUSINESS.

THERE WAS A POSSIBILITY

HE WOULD CONTINUE TO SCAM PEOPLE
AFTER PEOPLE AFTER PEOPLE.

FAMILY AFTER FAMILY.

LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF.

AFTER LEVIN'S OPERATION
IS BUSTED,

THE FEDS FIND THE REST
OF THE GOODS

THAT HE STOLE FROM DOZENS
OF HIS OTHER MARKS.

BOATS, CAMPERS.

I MEAN, YOU NAME IT.

AND LIKE VANESSA AND CAMERON,

ALMOST ALL OF THEM
GOT THEIR TREASURES BACK.

CAMERON AND VANESSA FINALLY
HAVE THE HOUSE OF THEIR DREAMS.

RONNIE LEVIN
HAS A NEW HOME, TOO.

HE PLED GUILTY TO CONSPIRACY
TO COMMIT WIRE FRAUD

AND IS NOW ON ICE WAITING FOR
SENTENCED IN A COLORADO PRISON.

RONNIE'S OFF THE STREET.
HIS COMPANY'S OUT OF BUSINESS.

HE'S DONE. HE'S BEHIND BARS.

IT IS KARMA.

Schirripa:
FOR VANESSA STOCKMAR,

WELL, SHE HOOKED HER KARMA
AND REELED IT IN LIKE A PRO.

SAME GOES
FOR ANOTHER KARMA BELIEVER,

BUT THIS WOMAN
DIDN'T NEED THE FEDS

TO HELP HER LAND THE BIG ONE.

SHE TOOK MATTERS
INTO HER OWN HANDS.

Entenmann: WE KNEW THAT WE WOULD
HAVE TO BE VERY SECRETIVE,

VERY DISCREET,

AND VERY...GENIUS.

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.
THAT'S KARMA FOR YOU.

AND SOMETIMES...
IT DON'T SMELL SO GOOD.

THAT AIN'T FRESH PROSCIUTTO,
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

Schirripa:
WELCOME TO ROSEBURG, OREGON,

THE HOME OF 21-YEAR-OLD
ASHLEY ENTENMANN.

ASHLEY HAD IT TOUGH.

CUTE AND SMART, SHE COULDN'T
FIND THE PERFECT GUY.

THEN OUT OF NOWHERE,
ALONG COMES MR. RIGHT.

Entenmann: I MET THIS CUTE GUY
NAMED RYAN ONE DAY AT MY WORK.

HE CAME IN,
OFFERED TO BUY ME A DRINK.

HE HAD HIS OWN PLACE,
HIS OWN JOB.

HE WAS ON THE BASKETBALL TEAM.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

RYAN HAD A NICE LITTLE RED CAR.

IT WAS HIS LITTLE STEED,

AND HE WAS THE KNIGHT
IN SHINING ARMOR.

AND HE REALLY DID
SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET.

ASHLEY LOVES EVERYTHING
ABOUT THIS NEW BOYFRIEND.

IT'S LIKE THEY SAY --
LOVE IS BLIND.

ASHLEY, I HATE TO TELL YOU,

BUT THIS GUY IS ALL FLASH
AND NO PAN.

SO, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

[ CHUCKLES ]
IT WAS GOOD.

Entenmann: RYAN WAS, LIKE,

THE MOST ROMANTIC GUY
YOU'VE EVER MET.

HE WAS THE CUTEST GUY
IN ROSEBURG.

HE JUST KIND OF --
HE HAD A SPARKLE IN HIS EYE.

ALL RIGHT,
CLOSE YOUR EYES.

OH, OKAY.
[ LAUGHS ]

HE WOULD OFTEN
INVITE ME TO HIS HOUSE,

AND WE WOULD
COOK DINNER TOGETHER.

[ GASPS ]

AND THOSE
WOULD BE OUR DATES.

WE'D SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER.
I'D GO HOME IN THE MORNING.

I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW,
MAYBE I HAD FOUND THE ONE.

CHEERS.
CHEERS.

Schirripa: ASHLEY CAN'T WAIT
TO TELL HER FRIENDS

ALL ABOUT THE HOT NEW GUY
IN HER LIFE.

HE IS SO ROMANTIC
AND SO CUTE.

Schirripa: BUT IT TURNS OUT

SHE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO'S HEAD OVER HEELS.

Entenmann: ONE NIGHT AFTER WORK,

I'M ON THE PHONE
WITH A CO-WORKER.

HE'S TALL,
HE'S GOT SHORT, DARK HAIR.

HE'S REALLY FIT.

AND SHE WAS TELLING ME
ABOUT A GUY SHE WAS SEEING.

AND WHEN I TOLD HER
ABOUT THE GUY I WAS SEEING,

SHE STOPPED ME...

WAIT, WAIT, WHAT?

...AND ASKED ME,
"ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT RYAN?"

WAIT A SEC.

HIS NAME IS RYAN?

WE'RE DATING THE SAME GUY?

DESCRIBED HIM PHYSICALLY
THE SAME WAY --

HANDSOME GUY,
HE'S IN GREAT SHAPE,

HE'S TALL, BEAUTIFUL EYES,
AND THE SAME LITTLE RED CAR.

SAID SHE'D BEEN SEEING HIM

PRACTICALLY THE WHOLE TIME
WE WERE TOGETHER.

I DROPPED THE PHONE
WHEN SHE SAID THAT.

I WAS VERY HURT
THAT HE HAD THE COJONES

TO DATE TWO WOMEN
THAT WORK AT THE SAME PLACE

AND REALLY THINK
THAT WE WEREN'T GONNA FIND OUT.

Schirripa: OH, THE BITTER STING
OF BETRAYAL.

BUT ASHLEY'S A STRONG WOMAN.

AND PRETTY SOON,
SHE'S GONE FROM SAD

TO RAGING-MAD
AT THIS TWO-TIMING CREEP.

Entenmann: I NEVER LET HIM KNOW
THAT I KNEW HE WAS CHEATING.

I JUST MADE UP AN EXCUSE
TO NOT BE WITH HIM.

I KEPT THINKING OF A PLAN
TO GET HIM BACK.

Schirripa: SO ASHLEY
TURNS TO HER BEST FRIEND.

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE
HE FOOLED ME LIKE THAT.

Entenmann: KAT WAS
THE FIRST PERSON THAT I TOLD

WHEN I FOUND OUT
HE WAS CHEATING ON ME.

WHEN IT CAME TO MEN,

SHE WOULD COME TO ME FOR ADVICE
PRETTY OFTEN.

UGH,
HE'S SUCH A DOUCHEBAG.

MM-HMM.

I KIND OF JUST GAVE HER
CLICHé ADVICE OF,

"YEAH, WELL,
HE'S NOT WORTH YOUR TIME.

"YOU'RE NOT MARRIED TO HIM.
YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS WITH HIM.

MOVE ON, FIND SOMEBODY BETTER."

[ LAUGHS ]

Schirripa: PRETTY GOOD ADVICE,
BUT NOT VERY SATISFYING.

SO AFTER A COUPLE OF BEERS,

ASHLEY AND KAT DECIDE

THIS TWO-TIMER
NEEDS TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON.

DOES HE LOCK HIS CAR?

UH, NO.
I DON'T THINK SO. WHY?

THEY COOK UP A SCHEME TO KICK
MR. RIGHT RIGHT WHERE IT HURTS.

KAT AND I
STARTED DEVISING A PLAN.

WE KNEW THAT WE WOULD HAVE TO BE
VERY SECRETIVE, VERY DISCREET,

AND VERY...GENIUS.

I THINK
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

WHAT?

TAKE IT FROM ME.

ANY GOOD HIT MAN KNOWS
WHEN IT COMES TO REVENGE,

PICKING THE RIGHT WEAPON
IS EVERYTHING.

IT'S GOT TO PACK
JUST THE RIGHT PUNCH.

Entenmann: SO THE SUPPLIES
WE GOT AT THE STORE --

TWO VERY SPECIAL INGREDIENTS.

[ SNIFFS ] OHH!
YEAH.

HABAÑERO PEPPERS...

AND A WHOLE TROUT.

UGH!
UGH!

UGH!

EYES AND EVERYTHING.

Schirripa:
NOW THAT THEY'RE PACKING
SOME SERIOUS HEAT,

IT'S TIME TO KICK OFF
OPERATION PAYBACK.

IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING,
IT'S THE DEAD OF NIGHT,

AND IT IS TIME
TO EXECUTE OUR PLAN.

Entenmann: WE GOT THE SUPPLIES
FROM THE CAR,

WENT UP TO HIS CAR,
AND GOT STARTED.

ASHLEY'S IN THE FRONT
APPLYING ALL THE HABAÑERO JUICE,

CUTTING THEM UP AND RUBBING THEM
ALL OVER EVERYTHING.

Entenmann:
PUT IT ON THE STEERING WHEEL,

THE OUTSIDE OF THE DOOR HANDLE,
THE STICK SHIFT --

EVERYTHING
THAT HE WOULD TOUCH IN HIS CAR.

WHEN HABAÑERO JUICE DRIES,
IT ACTUALLY CREATES THIS RESIDUE

THAT CAN LAST
FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

IT'S SUCH A SPICY RESIDUE

THAT EVERY TIME
THE PERSON TOUCHES IT,

IT GETS ON THEIR HANDS.

SHOULD HE TOUCH HIS EYES
TO WIPE HIS EYES

OR ANY OTHER SENSITIVE SKIN,

LIKE WHEN
HE'S USING THE RESTROOM,

IT WILL BURN,
AND IT WILL BURN BAD.

AND HE WILL HAVE NO IDEA

WHERE ALL OF THIS SPICY STUFF
IS COMING FROM.

Schirripa: SOUNDS LIKE THE GIRLS
DID THEIR HOMEWORK.

HABAÑERO PEPPERS

COULD PUT A WHOLE NEW SPIN
ON A HOT RELATIONSHIP.

SO PHASE ONE WAS COMPLETE,

AND WE HAD TO GET OUT
SECRET INGREDIENT NUMBER TWO.

[ KNOCKS ]

I'M IN THE TRUNK,
AND I'VE GOT THE FISH.

I PULL THE SUBWOOFER OUT

ENOUGH TO LIFT UP THE CARPET
IN THE BACK OF THE TRUNK,

AND I PUT THE CARPET DOWN
OVER TOP

AND PUT THE SUBWOOFER BACK
LIKE NOTHING HAD HAPPENED.

THIS WAS
SO BEAUTIFULLY EXECUTED.

ALL STEALTH,
COVERT-NINJA ACTION.

Schirripa: THE NEXT MORNING,

RYAN'S UP EARLY
FOR BASKETBALL PRACTICE.

HE HASN'T A CLUE

ASHLEY'S BEEN ON TOP OF HER GAME
ALL NIGHT LONG.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

AAH, A MAN'S SPORTS CAR
IS HIS TEMPLE,

AND RYAN'S TEMPLE --

WELL, LET'S JUST SAY
IT'S BEEN TAMPERED WITH.

ASHLEY'S IN NO RUSH FOR PAYBACK.

HER KARMA'S
A SLOW-TICKING STINK BOMB.

Schirripa:
WITH JUST OVER 20,000 RESIDENTS,

ROSEBURG, OREGON,
IS CLASSIC SMALL-TOWN AMERICA.

AND THAT'S TOO BAD FOR RYAN

'CAUSE IT'S THE KIND OF PLACE
WHERE EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR NAME.

USUALLY, HE HANGS OUT AT THE GYM
OR THE LOCAL BARS,

BUT SINCE ASHLEY AND KAT
DID A NUMBER ON HIS CAR,

THIS PLAYER HASN'T BEEN SEEN
MUCH AROUND TOWN.

WE DON'T KNOW THE RESULTS OF
THE HABAÑERO JUICE BURNING HIM

'CAUSE IN A SMALL REDNECK,
GOSSIPY TOWN LIKE ROSEBURG,

IF YOU GET BURNING SENSATIONS
ANYWHERE,

YOU KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

Entenmann:
I'M PRETTY SURE I CAN IMAGINE
HOW BAD IT MUST HAVE BEEN.

I'M SURE ANYWHERE
YOU WOULD TOUCH ON YOUR BODY

AFTER YOU TOUCHED
PURE HABAÑERO JUICE

WOULD BE PRETTY GNARLY.

Schirripa:
RYAN MAY BE BURNING-HOT,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY --

REVENGE IS A DISH
BEST SERVED COLD,

OR IN THIS CASE, ROTTEN.

A FEW WEEKS LATER,

THE SECOND PART
OF ASHLEY'S PLAN WAS,

SHALL WE SAY, FULLY MARINATED.

HE WOULD
ASK ME OUT PERIODICALLY,

AND I WOULD ALWAYS SAY NO.

HE STILL TRIED AND TRIED,

AND HE WOULD TELL ME STORIES
ABOUT THE SMELL IN HIS CAR.

ONE DAY, OUT OF THE BLUE,
HE GIVES ME A CALL.

[ CELLPHONE DIALING, RINGING ]

HE WAS IN A PANIC.

GUESS WHAT THEY FOUND
IN MY CAR.

A FISH.

HE WAS SO ANGRY.

HE THOUGHT IT WAS A NEIGHBOR

OR MAYBE AN OLD FRIEND
THAT OWED HIM MONEY.

HE CERTAINLY DIDN'T THINK
IT WAS ME,

OTHERWISE I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
THE FIRST PERSON HE CALLED.

IT TOOK HIM THREE TIMES

OF GETTING HIS CAR
PROFESSIONALLY DETAILED

TO FINALLY FIND
WHERE THE SMELL WAS COMING FROM,

AND THEY HAD TO REPLACE
ALL THE LIGHTING IN HIS TRUNK

AND HIS SPARE TIRE --
IT WAS ROTTEN.

HE HAD TO THROW AWAY EVERYTHING
IN HIS TRUNK.

NO ONE MESSES WITH MY CAR,
OKAY?

My car.

I COULD HEAR THE TREMBLING
IN HIS VOICE.

HE WAS MAD THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW

WHO WOULD
POSSIBLY DO THIS TO HIM.

SO I REALLY HOPE
THAT RYAN WATCHES THIS SHOW

BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, RYAN,
IT WAS ME.

Schirripa:
WELL, ASHLEY, CHANCES ARE

HE'S FINDING OUT RIGHT NOW.

AND, RYAN, IF YOU'RE WATCHING,

HERE'S THE MORAL
TO THIS ROTTEN STORY --

IF YOU'RE GONNA BE A PLAYER,
AT LEAST LOCK YOUR DOORS, PAL,

BECAUSE KARMA --
OH, SHE'S A REAL BITCH.