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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:05,706 # I'm not sick, but I'm not well 2 00:00:05,707 --> 00:00:08,749 # And I'm so hot 3 00:00:08,750 --> 00:00:12,753 # Cos I'm in hell. # 4 00:00:12,754 --> 00:00:14,656 Sub by Adriano_CSI www. addic7ed.com 5 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,323 Hello. Happy Christmas. 6 00:00:21,324 --> 00:00:22,804 Can I come in yet, Mark? 7 00:00:22,805 --> 00:00:24,446 Yes, you can come in yet. 8 00:00:24,447 --> 00:00:28,290 There, um...there wasn't anything at the end of my bed when I woke up. 9 00:00:28,291 --> 00:00:29,251 It's in here. 10 00:00:29,252 --> 00:00:31,854 Oh, brilliant. And you saw? 11 00:00:31,855 --> 00:00:34,897 Yes, yes, you woke me at 5.30 when you came in. 12 00:00:34,898 --> 00:00:37,140 I've been trying to get to sleep since 6.00 13 00:00:37,141 --> 00:00:40,183 by reading about Wilson's trade union reforms, but... 14 00:00:40,184 --> 00:00:41,865 Marr is so damn readable. 15 00:00:41,866 --> 00:00:44,507 Shit. Sorry, dude. Ooh! 16 00:00:44,508 --> 00:00:47,551 Slim but promising, Mark! Slim but promising! 17 00:00:47,552 --> 00:00:49,112 Jez, what are you...? 18 00:00:49,113 --> 00:00:50,874 We're going to open them in bed, aren't we? 19 00:00:50,875 --> 00:00:51,915 What if our feet touch? 20 00:00:51,916 --> 00:00:54,678 What if our feet touch? If our feet touch, we fuck, obviously. 21 00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:57,962 Come on! Dive in! Let the festivities begin! 22 00:00:57,963 --> 00:01:00,885 Wow! Jez, this is lovely. 23 00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:03,248 Cognac. Wow. That's my favourite. 24 00:01:03,249 --> 00:01:06,531 I know. Ooh, smells interesting! 25 00:01:06,532 --> 00:01:09,454 It looks like fire-lighters, but what is it? 26 00:01:09,455 --> 00:01:10,856 Fire-lighters. 27 00:01:10,857 --> 00:01:13,138 In case we get a barbecue? 28 00:01:13,139 --> 00:01:14,980 Outside, on the...bit. 29 00:01:14,981 --> 00:01:16,542 Oh... 30 00:01:16,543 --> 00:01:20,026 Right. 31 00:01:20,027 --> 00:01:21,427 Roy Adkins on Trafalgar? 32 00:01:21,428 --> 00:01:22,588 I heard you talking about it! 33 00:01:22,589 --> 00:01:26,312 That's just tremendously thoughtful, Jeremy. 34 00:01:26,313 --> 00:01:27,474 What are these? 35 00:01:27,475 --> 00:01:29,236 Kitchen tongs. We need them. 36 00:01:29,237 --> 00:01:33,240 You bought yourself some kitchen tongs? 37 00:01:33,601 --> 00:01:37,605 Oh, and yes, I remember you getting this ScotRail sleeping mask 38 00:01:37,966 --> 00:01:40,648 when you went on ScotRail overnight to Aberdeen. 39 00:01:40,649 --> 00:01:44,652 Yeah. Yeah. That's right. 40 00:01:46,015 --> 00:01:50,018 You know, in my family we do sort of jokey stockings. 41 00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:54,783 Right. In mine we sort of try quite hard. 42 00:01:54,784 --> 00:01:57,626 'He's trying to strangle my Christmas with Sellotape.' 43 00:01:57,627 --> 00:01:58,747 I might save the rest. 44 00:01:58,748 --> 00:02:01,430 'It's not fair. That's just aggressive generosity 45 00:02:01,431 --> 00:02:02,832 'designed to make me feel bad.' 46 00:02:02,833 --> 00:02:05,434 Sorry, it's just this is my first Christmas without Mum... 47 00:02:05,435 --> 00:02:09,158 Cos she's sailing round the Med with Mr Potato Head. Yes, I know, Jez. 48 00:02:09,159 --> 00:02:12,722 Oh, wow, so you got it in, in the end? 49 00:02:12,723 --> 00:02:13,924 It's quite a specimen. 50 00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:15,285 Mmm-hmm. Quite a specimen. 51 00:02:15,286 --> 00:02:17,768 I thought about trimming the top off but it felt like I was 52 00:02:17,769 --> 00:02:20,851 castrating Christmas, you know? Chopping Santa's bollocks off. 53 00:02:20,852 --> 00:02:21,652 Sure. 54 00:02:21,653 --> 00:02:24,215 You're not going to cry, are you? 55 00:02:24,216 --> 00:02:28,219 I'm fine, it's just even though I'm looking at the tree, 56 00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:30,742 I'm just not... I'm not getting it yet. 57 00:02:30,743 --> 00:02:31,863 Horny? 58 00:02:31,864 --> 00:02:32,944 Horny? Christmassy, Mark. 59 00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:35,066 I'm not getting the Christmassy feeling. 60 00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:39,071 Let's crank up Classic FM. Let's get our Christmas on! 61 00:02:39,152 --> 00:02:43,155 Now, Sarah, if I scrape together the shortbread from Aberdeen '09 62 00:02:45,519 --> 00:02:47,760 and this unread SuperFreakonomics 63 00:02:47,761 --> 00:02:50,283 we can pretend I thought she'd like, even though I'm pretty sure 64 00:02:50,284 --> 00:02:52,805 she'll hate it, then that's an acceptable bundle, isn't it? 65 00:02:52,806 --> 00:02:54,247 Nice to have your family here for Christmas. 66 00:02:54,248 --> 00:02:57,691 Well, not really. But the point is, I'm in charge! 67 00:02:57,692 --> 00:02:59,853 I've launched the Christmas putsch. 68 00:02:59,854 --> 00:03:03,417 I carve the turkey, I decide what veg we have. No cauliflower. 69 00:03:03,418 --> 00:03:05,499 No-one else has it, it's not a tradition. 70 00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,781 Christmas is coming home! Ding Dong Merrily on Mark! 71 00:03:07,782 --> 00:03:11,786 Exactly. Right, we need to get the oven on for lunch at one. 72 00:03:12,307 --> 00:03:14,148 Yeah, right! Lunch is at three. 73 00:03:14,149 --> 00:03:15,590 You do presents first and then... 74 00:03:15,591 --> 00:03:16,831 No, Jez. Presents after. 75 00:03:16,832 --> 00:03:19,955 Then charades. Then the lull, the Low Countries, then the row, 76 00:03:19,956 --> 00:03:23,278 the cold cuts, then, bang! Into a blockbuster to see you home! 77 00:03:23,279 --> 00:03:25,761 But that's not my Christmas, because... 78 00:03:25,762 --> 00:03:26,522 Well, that's what we're doing. 79 00:03:26,523 --> 00:03:29,245 'Don't let him spoil it. Don't let him rile me. 80 00:03:29,246 --> 00:03:32,248 'Not today. Not on Christmas!' 81 00:03:32,249 --> 00:03:33,809 Where's the turkey, Jeremy? 82 00:03:33,810 --> 00:03:35,651 What?The turkey. Where's the turkey? 83 00:03:35,652 --> 00:03:36,973 I thought you were getting the turkey. 84 00:03:36,974 --> 00:03:39,175 You what? 85 00:03:39,176 --> 00:03:41,298 No turkey?! You fucking idiot, Jeremy! 86 00:03:41,299 --> 00:03:43,300 You total fucking idiot! 87 00:03:43,301 --> 00:03:46,303 That was your job, you fucking moron! You cretin! 88 00:03:46,304 --> 00:03:50,067 You're a fuckhead! That's what you are! A fucking shithead! 89 00:03:50,068 --> 00:03:51,949 It was a joke, Mark. 90 00:03:51,950 --> 00:03:54,392 I was joking. 91 00:03:54,393 --> 00:03:58,076 It was a Christmas joke. 92 00:03:58,077 --> 00:04:01,039 Oh, I see. Oh. 93 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,922 Of course I've got a turkey. It's an organic turkey. 94 00:04:03,923 --> 00:04:07,926 I took ages researching it online. It's going to be delicious. 95 00:04:08,408 --> 00:04:11,490 That looks like a lovely turkey. 96 00:04:11,491 --> 00:04:14,213 I'm sorry. I... flew off the handle a bit. 97 00:04:14,214 --> 00:04:16,055 That wasn't very Christmassy. 98 00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:20,059 No, it wasn't. I apologise. 99 00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:25,865 'Wow, she's really sweaty. A lovely, sweaty Christmas gift.' 100 00:04:25,906 --> 00:04:28,148 I shouldn't hang around too long. I've got to get ready 101 00:04:28,149 --> 00:04:31,592 for a day out with the folks. Stomach pump for Mum. 102 00:04:31,593 --> 00:04:34,114 Taser to demobilise Dad. Families! 103 00:04:34,115 --> 00:04:37,798 God, yeah! The year Dad's British Aerospace shares went kaput, 104 00:04:37,799 --> 00:04:39,961 he said we couldn't afford an M&S Christmas pudding, 105 00:04:39,962 --> 00:04:43,645 but Mum bought a secret one and steamed it in the garage. 106 00:04:43,646 --> 00:04:46,167 We would've got away with it, but he smelt it on Sarah's breath 107 00:04:46,168 --> 00:04:48,850 and wouldn't talk to us till Boxing Day. 108 00:04:48,851 --> 00:04:50,812 God. Dads! 109 00:04:50,813 --> 00:04:54,616 Huh! Yeah. Right. 110 00:04:54,617 --> 00:04:55,738 So... Happy Christmas! 111 00:04:55,739 --> 00:04:56,979 Oh, wow... 112 00:04:56,980 --> 00:04:59,141 Thanks. 113 00:04:59,142 --> 00:05:01,264 Happy Christmas. 114 00:05:01,265 --> 00:05:04,267 It's just a little thing. I did get you another thing 115 00:05:04,268 --> 00:05:07,590 but the stupid thing didn't arrive in time. 116 00:05:07,591 --> 00:05:08,712 Oh. Right. 117 00:05:08,713 --> 00:05:10,073 It is gold. 118 00:05:10,074 --> 00:05:12,436 Oh! Well, that sounds nice. 119 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:14,558 Can't go wrong with precious metals, 120 00:05:14,559 --> 00:05:17,481 cos when civilisation collapses, I can use it to barter 121 00:05:17,482 --> 00:05:19,203 my way out of sexual assaults! 122 00:05:19,204 --> 00:05:21,045 Ha! Exactly! 123 00:05:21,046 --> 00:05:23,287 'Probably take the gold, then shoot her.' 124 00:05:23,288 --> 00:05:25,770 Oh, right, yeah. 125 00:05:25,771 --> 00:05:27,492 FlashForward box set. 126 00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:31,056 It's meant to be amazing. Shall we do it this week? 127 00:05:31,057 --> 00:05:34,419 Sure, it's just... 128 00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:38,423 we watched all the Losts and they were... somewhat OK. 129 00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:40,986 And Heroes had some interesting themes, 130 00:05:40,987 --> 00:05:44,470 but also quite a lot of not so interesting themes. 131 00:05:44,471 --> 00:05:48,474 And Prison Break - by the end I very much felt I wanted to break 132 00:05:49,957 --> 00:05:52,999 out of the prison that Prison Break had become for us... 133 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:57,003 and it's just... don't you think, maybe we should...go out? 134 00:05:57,605 --> 00:05:58,765 Where to? 135 00:05:58,766 --> 00:06:00,607 To...not the theatre, obviously. 136 00:06:00,608 --> 00:06:03,931 But...the National Army Museum? 137 00:06:03,932 --> 00:06:07,014 You'd rather go to the National Army Museum than stay in bed 138 00:06:07,015 --> 00:06:10,218 and watch FlashForward and drink brandy? Are you bonkers? 139 00:06:10,219 --> 00:06:12,941 Dobby, where do you see yourself in five years? 140 00:06:12,942 --> 00:06:16,945 I mean, for example, would you want to learn sailing at all? Or golf? 141 00:06:18,588 --> 00:06:21,590 I wouldn't mind getting a strap-on and you and me spit-roasting 142 00:06:21,591 --> 00:06:23,272 Cameron for the Boden catalogue. 143 00:06:23,273 --> 00:06:25,474 Is that the sort of thing you have in mind? 144 00:06:25,475 --> 00:06:26,595 She is great. But where does it end? 145 00:06:26,596 --> 00:06:28,077 PHONE RINGS 146 00:06:28,078 --> 00:06:31,040 With us sailing the Caribbean, checking our pension pot online? 147 00:06:31,041 --> 00:06:33,843 Or much more likely, trying to scrape a living on pub quiz machines 148 00:06:33,844 --> 00:06:37,487 from our vast knowledge of popular culture and bar snacks? 149 00:06:37,488 --> 00:06:39,289 Oh, man! 150 00:06:39,290 --> 00:06:39,729 What? 151 00:06:39,730 --> 00:06:41,732 My sister's car's broken down. 152 00:06:41,733 --> 00:06:45,295 She got to my Mum and Dad in Lancaster but they're stuck at Charnock Richard. 153 00:06:45,296 --> 00:06:46,256 Oh, shit. 154 00:06:46,257 --> 00:06:49,059 I'm not going to the Dorchester to eat Christmas lunch on my own 155 00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:50,461 like a millionaire madwoman. 156 00:06:50,462 --> 00:06:51,142 Hmm. 157 00:06:51,143 --> 00:06:53,144 'Should invite her to stay here... 158 00:06:53,145 --> 00:06:55,066 'And I've missed the moment. 159 00:06:55,067 --> 00:06:57,709 'Right there. Missed it.' 160 00:06:57,710 --> 00:07:01,032 'I'm already going to have a nervous breakdown with my family 161 00:07:01,033 --> 00:07:02,594 'and "Tiny Tim" Jeremy and the turkey. 162 00:07:02,595 --> 00:07:05,597 'Why add a dangerous unstable chemical into the mix? 163 00:07:05,598 --> 00:07:06,839 Kitchen tongs? 164 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:07,840 Oh, yeah! Two for one. 165 00:07:07,841 --> 00:07:09,481 Right, well... 166 00:07:09,482 --> 00:07:12,805 Listen, I guess I should saddle up and ride back to my place. 167 00:07:12,806 --> 00:07:16,048 'If I can just get through the next seconds ignoring 168 00:07:16,049 --> 00:07:17,690 'the mounting social pressure.' 169 00:07:17,691 --> 00:07:19,652 I'll see if Mr Patel has any turkeys, 170 00:07:19,653 --> 00:07:22,015 which obviously, he definitely won't. 171 00:07:22,016 --> 00:07:24,377 'Pressure...building... to intolerable levels!' 172 00:07:24,378 --> 00:07:25,418 Dobby. 173 00:07:25,419 --> 00:07:26,019 Yeah? 174 00:07:26,020 --> 00:07:28,181 I assume you're staying for lunch? 175 00:07:28,182 --> 00:07:30,544 Right...you didn't say. 176 00:07:30,545 --> 00:07:32,546 Because I thought it was assumed. 177 00:07:32,547 --> 00:07:35,269 All right, well, thanks. 178 00:07:35,270 --> 00:07:36,350 I'll just jump in the shower. 179 00:07:36,351 --> 00:07:37,271 Jump away! 180 00:07:37,272 --> 00:07:39,073 'Could lock her in the bathroom... 181 00:07:39,074 --> 00:07:40,755 'Shit, no lock on the outside.' 182 00:07:40,756 --> 00:07:43,478 You are putting the little crosses in the bottoms, aren't you, Jeremy? 183 00:07:43,479 --> 00:07:44,519 Yeah, course. 184 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:47,242 'Don't think I'll be bothering with that! Happy Christmas to me.' 185 00:07:47,243 --> 00:07:49,484 Now, obviously this is a fucking disaster, 186 00:07:49,485 --> 00:07:51,567 but Dobby's staying. For Christmas. 187 00:07:51,568 --> 00:07:53,088 Right. Lovely. The more the merrier. 188 00:07:53,089 --> 00:07:55,090 Exactly. The more the merrier, as they said 189 00:07:55,091 --> 00:07:59,095 as another poor soul was crammed into the Black Hole of Calcutta. 190 00:07:59,736 --> 00:08:01,577 Jeremy, where are the potatoes? 191 00:08:01,578 --> 00:08:03,179 No idea, dude. Not my area. 192 00:08:03,180 --> 00:08:04,501 But you were on turkey and veg. 193 00:08:04,502 --> 00:08:05,622 Potatoes aren't veg. 194 00:08:05,623 --> 00:08:06,743 Er...yes, they are. 195 00:08:06,744 --> 00:08:10,747 N... Are they? I mean, they kind of are, but not really. 196 00:08:10,828 --> 00:08:11,989 Well, what else are they? 197 00:08:11,990 --> 00:08:13,430 Are you sure potatoes are veg? 198 00:08:13,431 --> 00:08:16,914 Aren't they...not earth, but... like salt? 199 00:08:16,915 --> 00:08:20,918 I mean, tomatoes are fruit and potatoes are...bread? No. 200 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,241 I mean, they're wheaty. 201 00:08:23,242 --> 00:08:26,284 They don't go in the drawer in the fridge, so...yeah? 202 00:08:26,285 --> 00:08:28,526 Jeremy, obviously, potatoes are vegetables. 203 00:08:28,527 --> 00:08:30,048 Well, now you're going on about it, maybe you're right, 204 00:08:30,049 --> 00:08:33,612 but they're not exactly cabbage, are they? I mean, they're brown. They're nice. 205 00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:34,653 Oh, for fuck's sake! 206 00:08:34,654 --> 00:08:37,256 Oh, for fuck's sake! Look, there must be potatoes. There's always potatoes. 207 00:08:37,257 --> 00:08:40,059 Yes. We do have potatoes. Two potatoes. 208 00:08:40,060 --> 00:08:42,702 Two? Oh, that's not enough. 209 00:08:42,703 --> 00:08:44,664 I love potatoes. They're the best bit! 210 00:08:44,665 --> 00:08:47,707 Everything's the best bit according to you - croissants, cava, 211 00:08:47,708 --> 00:08:51,391 smoked salmon, pineapple rings, having the heating on incredibly high. 212 00:08:51,392 --> 00:08:53,193 Everything all right? 213 00:08:53,194 --> 00:08:55,115 Yes, everything's absolutely perfect, 214 00:08:55,116 --> 00:08:58,238 apart from the fact that Jeremy has forgotten to buy any potatoes. 215 00:08:58,239 --> 00:08:59,400 Well, I've got potatoes at mine. 216 00:08:59,401 --> 00:09:01,482 Plus, really, for your mum and dad, I should get changed. 217 00:09:01,483 --> 00:09:03,003 Oh, no need. 218 00:09:03,004 --> 00:09:07,008 Yes. A nice, standard issue British woman's dress. 219 00:09:09,491 --> 00:09:10,812 Welcome back. You look great. 220 00:09:10,813 --> 00:09:12,053 Thanks. 221 00:09:12,054 --> 00:09:14,135 Jeans. For Christmas. 222 00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:17,099 At least it's not hot pants and her ironic iPood T-shirt. 223 00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:20,422 That's mad, Mum! Christmas in Malta? 30 degrees! > 224 00:09:21,584 --> 00:09:23,946 What do you mean, you're not having turkey? 225 00:09:23,947 --> 00:09:26,549 Well, you could make it on the boat if you... 226 00:09:26,550 --> 00:09:28,190 Oh, OK. Yeah. 227 00:09:28,191 --> 00:09:32,195 All right. Bye. Happy Christmas! 228 00:09:32,476 --> 00:09:35,198 They're having salade nicoise for Christmas. 229 00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:38,321 Salade nicoise. That's not turkey. 230 00:09:38,322 --> 00:09:40,003 It's not even chicken. 231 00:09:40,004 --> 00:09:41,805 I'm going to have a massive drink. 232 00:09:41,806 --> 00:09:44,368 'Don't break down on Christmas! Break down on Boxing Day, 233 00:09:44,369 --> 00:09:45,849 'once the washing-up's done.' 234 00:09:45,850 --> 00:09:47,972 I'm excited to meet your parents, Mark. 235 00:09:47,973 --> 00:09:50,535 After everything you've told me, it's like they're famous. 236 00:09:50,536 --> 00:09:54,098 It's like I'm gonna meet the head of IBM and... Catwoman or something. 237 00:09:54,099 --> 00:09:55,980 Uh-huh. 238 00:09:55,981 --> 00:09:59,865 'Incredibly wasteful peeling technique, but now is not the time.' 239 00:09:59,866 --> 00:10:03,869 So, listen, Dobby. There's something I wanted to tell you. 240 00:10:04,350 --> 00:10:07,273 I haven't actually happened to mention to my parents 241 00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:09,515 or my sister that I'm engaged... 242 00:10:09,516 --> 00:10:11,677 in a relationship. 243 00:10:11,678 --> 00:10:13,079 But it's been, like, over a month. 244 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:16,803 Yeah, but it's not like I tell them every tiny detail of my life. 245 00:10:16,804 --> 00:10:20,807 And I was just wondering whether today, with all the madness... 246 00:10:20,808 --> 00:10:21,528 What madness? 247 00:10:21,529 --> 00:10:23,490 Everything. The carrots. 248 00:10:23,491 --> 00:10:24,451 Uh-huh. 249 00:10:24,452 --> 00:10:27,014 ..I just wonder whether we shouldn't... 250 00:10:27,015 --> 00:10:31,018 Wouldn't it be simpler just to not tell them that we're going out? 251 00:10:31,540 --> 00:10:33,260 Right... 252 00:10:33,261 --> 00:10:34,782 I mean, we're still early days... 253 00:10:34,783 --> 00:10:35,343 Uh-huh. 254 00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:36,544 Not like that, 255 00:10:36,545 --> 00:10:40,548 but it's been such a headache getting them here in the first place 256 00:10:41,030 --> 00:10:43,271 and I don't want to feed them another shit sandwich. 257 00:10:43,272 --> 00:10:44,993 Anothershitsandwich? 258 00:10:44,994 --> 00:10:47,796 Not you! The whole...situation. 259 00:10:47,797 --> 00:10:51,400 So I'm going to be your female friend? Your fan? 260 00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:54,163 Oh, God, what am I going to do next? Set fire to the tree? 261 00:10:54,164 --> 00:10:56,566 Maybe we should have salade nicoise. 262 00:10:56,567 --> 00:10:58,928 Why the fuck not? Who even cares? 263 00:10:58,929 --> 00:11:00,249 DOORBELL RINGS 264 00:11:00,250 --> 00:11:04,254 OK. Enemy contact. This is it. Action stations, everyone. 265 00:11:05,856 --> 00:11:07,457 Happy Christmas, one and all! 266 00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:08,178 Hello! 267 00:11:08,179 --> 00:11:10,340 Happy Christmas, Mark. I'm shattered. Can I have a glass of champagne? 268 00:11:10,341 --> 00:11:12,102 Happy Christmas, Mark. I'm shattered. Can I have a glass of champagne? Of course. Cava's through there. 269 00:11:12,103 --> 00:11:13,944 Cava? Oh. > 270 00:11:13,945 --> 00:11:17,388 'Great. Five seconds before the first disappointment. Got that in early.' 271 00:11:17,389 --> 00:11:18,549 Happy Christmas, darling. 272 00:11:18,550 --> 00:11:21,632 Happy Christmas, Mark. Yup. 273 00:11:21,633 --> 00:11:23,234 And you know Jeremy, obviously. 274 00:11:23,235 --> 00:11:25,036 Happy Christmas, Corrigans!Ah! 275 00:11:25,037 --> 00:11:26,758 And this is our...friend. 276 00:11:26,759 --> 00:11:28,480 Hello. 277 00:11:28,481 --> 00:11:29,441 I'm Dobby. 278 00:11:29,442 --> 00:11:31,643 We...know each other. 279 00:11:31,644 --> 00:11:32,925 As you do. 280 00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:35,447 'It's fine. Luckily we're all English, 281 00:11:35,448 --> 00:11:37,329 'so no-one's going to ask any questions. 282 00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:39,732 'Thank you, centuries of emotional repression.' 283 00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:40,813 Hello, Jeremy. 284 00:11:40,814 --> 00:11:42,134 Hello, Sarah. Happy Christmas. 285 00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,576 It could be. 286 00:11:43,577 --> 00:11:45,498 If you play your cards right. 287 00:11:45,499 --> 00:11:47,741 Urgh. Not Sarah...not again. 288 00:11:47,742 --> 00:11:51,344 'Ding Dong Merrily on my dong, the Christmas elves are weeping.' 289 00:11:51,345 --> 00:11:54,948 Long time no see, Mrs C. How are you doing? What have you been up to? 290 00:11:54,949 --> 00:11:56,190 Oh, I just finished another play. 291 00:11:56,191 --> 00:11:58,352 Oh, wow. Another one, Mum? 292 00:11:58,353 --> 00:11:59,874 Yes. Another one. 293 00:11:59,875 --> 00:12:03,437 Wow. You're a playwright? Brilliant. What's it about? 294 00:12:03,438 --> 00:12:07,442 It's about this group of young people who are very sexually repressed, 295 00:12:09,285 --> 00:12:13,168 but they become less and less repressed due to the influence > 296 00:12:13,169 --> 00:12:16,531 of this wise, twinkly old Jamaican woman, 297 00:12:16,532 --> 00:12:19,294 who leads them through a series of experiences. 298 00:12:19,295 --> 00:12:22,978 You've got to have a Jamaican if you're going to chase the funding. 299 00:12:22,979 --> 00:12:26,783 (COCKNEY ACCENT) Elf and safety, innit? 300 00:12:26,784 --> 00:12:28,705 Shall we...shall we pull a cracker? 301 00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:31,187 We can't do the crackers until we sit at the table! 302 00:12:31,188 --> 00:12:33,229 Crackers once you sit, that's the rule! 303 00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:34,871 OK. Sorry. OK, Jeremy. 304 00:12:34,872 --> 00:12:38,195 I'm fine, it's just... I'm trying to feel Christmassy and... 305 00:12:38,196 --> 00:12:40,397 Oh, for fudge's sake! 306 00:12:40,398 --> 00:12:42,640 It's OK, Dad, the carpet's seen worse. 307 00:12:42,641 --> 00:12:46,644 You Jezzed the Cava just like you Jezzed the directions, Dad! 308 00:12:47,205 --> 00:12:48,846 Erm, Jezzed? 309 00:12:48,847 --> 00:12:50,928 We got it from Mark, didn't we, Mark? 310 00:12:50,929 --> 00:12:54,132 Oh, right. So... it's when you...? 311 00:12:54,133 --> 00:12:55,774 When you get something wrong. He Jezzed it. 312 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:58,897 Total balls-up, a real Jezzing! 313 00:12:58,898 --> 00:13:01,620 Right. Yeah. Yeah, that is funny. 314 00:13:01,621 --> 00:13:03,302 It's a bit like being famous. 315 00:13:03,303 --> 00:13:04,303 DOORBELL RINGS 316 00:13:04,304 --> 00:13:06,906 I'll see who that is. Let's hope I don't Jezz it 317 00:13:06,907 --> 00:13:09,308 or do a big Mark in my pants. 318 00:13:09,309 --> 00:13:12,071 Happy Christmas, motherfucker. 319 00:13:12,072 --> 00:13:12,912 Hans! 320 00:13:12,913 --> 00:13:16,075 Hans! Have a guess what Santa's got in his sack. 321 00:13:16,076 --> 00:13:20,080 Answer - a wicked big bag of sinister minister. 322 00:13:20,361 --> 00:13:22,683 Oh... Happy Christmas. 323 00:13:22,684 --> 00:13:23,323 Hans? 324 00:13:23,324 --> 00:13:24,364 Hans? Merry Christmas, Mark. 325 00:13:24,365 --> 00:13:25,085 Hans? Merry Christmas, Mark. Jeremy... 326 00:13:25,086 --> 00:13:26,126 I'm not going to. 327 00:13:26,127 --> 00:13:27,207 Well, don't. 328 00:13:27,208 --> 00:13:29,850 Super Hans! Merry Christmas! Glass of Cava? 329 00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:31,933 Don't mind if I do. Mind out, boys, 330 00:13:31,934 --> 00:13:33,935 Father Spliffmas coming through. 331 00:13:33,936 --> 00:13:36,137 'Great. Methadone in the mulled wine.' 332 00:13:36,138 --> 00:13:37,058 What? 333 00:13:37,059 --> 00:13:37,859 It's your fault. 334 00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:39,781 It's not my fault, I was holding the line. 335 00:13:39,782 --> 00:13:43,145 Yes, but you know him. You shouldn't know him. 336 00:13:43,146 --> 00:13:45,627 Well, I'm sorry but I do know him. 337 00:13:45,628 --> 00:13:48,630 'Oh. Merry migraine and a happy new stomach ulcer.' 338 00:13:48,672 --> 00:13:53,476 So, what sort of line of business are you in, Super Hans? 339 00:13:53,557 --> 00:13:58,661 At the moment, I take out fireplaces and so on from empty houses. 340 00:13:58,742 --> 00:14:00,423 Architectural salvage. 341 00:14:00,424 --> 00:14:01,464 Yeah. 342 00:14:01,565 --> 00:14:03,286 And do you sell to trade or wholesale? 343 00:14:03,287 --> 00:14:04,968 I sell them in pubs and that. 344 00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:07,170 He's training to be an architect. 345 00:14:07,171 --> 00:14:10,294 No, I'm not. 346 00:14:10,295 --> 00:14:11,455 And what do you do, Dobby? 347 00:14:11,456 --> 00:14:13,898 IT grunt. 348 00:14:13,899 --> 00:14:15,499 And do you have a boyfriend at all? 349 00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:17,141 Kind of. 350 00:14:17,142 --> 00:14:20,785 I like him but sometimes he can be a bit of a jerk and so on. 351 00:14:20,786 --> 00:14:22,026 Oh. 352 00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:23,788 He seems cool, but really, 353 00:14:23,789 --> 00:14:26,311 he can be kind of cowardly and mean and do things 354 00:14:26,312 --> 00:14:29,154 and do things that humiliate me and then I think, 355 00:14:29,155 --> 00:14:30,756 "Why don't you just..." 356 00:14:30,757 --> 00:14:31,517 Don't say, "Fuck off." 357 00:14:31,518 --> 00:14:33,279 "..Fuck off." You know? 358 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,201 "Just fuck off." 359 00:14:35,202 --> 00:14:37,003 'Oh, this is horrible. 360 00:14:37,004 --> 00:14:40,126 'She's found a way of telling me her true feelings. Sneaky.' 361 00:14:40,127 --> 00:14:44,130 Happy Christmas, darling. Here we go. It's just a silly one. 362 00:14:44,612 --> 00:14:48,615 Oh, socks! Nice. Thanks, Mum. 363 00:14:48,976 --> 00:14:50,657 And they've got a funny... 364 00:14:50,658 --> 00:14:52,499 Oh. OK. 365 00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:54,541 They're a bit saucy! 366 00:14:54,542 --> 00:14:56,303 'My mother is giving me socks depicting 367 00:14:56,304 --> 00:14:58,906 'a sexual position I have never even attempted. 368 00:14:58,907 --> 00:14:59,226 'How little she knows me. 369 00:14:59,227 --> 00:15:02,310 Oi, Mrs C, answer me this... 370 00:15:02,311 --> 00:15:04,792 Have you ever had a parrot? 371 00:15:04,793 --> 00:15:06,234 Er, no. 372 00:15:06,235 --> 00:15:08,797 It's just you look like you might enjoy a cock-a-too. 373 00:15:08,798 --> 00:15:12,641 Oh! That's very cheeky, Hans. 374 00:15:12,642 --> 00:15:14,603 'This is the spirit of Christmas. 375 00:15:14,604 --> 00:15:17,726 'Super Hans bonking Mum doggy style in the airing cupboard.' 376 00:15:17,727 --> 00:15:21,731 Here you go, Marko. Merry Christmas. 377 00:15:23,133 --> 00:15:27,136 Wow. This is big, Dad, and heavy. 378 00:15:28,899 --> 00:15:32,903 Oh, right, I...I see. Yeah. Great. 379 00:15:33,464 --> 00:15:35,946 Yeah, this is...this is brilliant. 380 00:15:35,947 --> 00:15:37,347 What is it? > 381 00:15:37,348 --> 00:15:40,711 It's...it's a shredder. 382 00:15:40,712 --> 00:15:42,273 It's my dad's old shredder. 383 00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:44,035 But you've already got a shredder. 384 00:15:44,036 --> 00:15:46,077 Why are you looking at me like that? 385 00:15:46,078 --> 00:15:47,438 Like what? 386 00:15:47,439 --> 00:15:50,161 Like you're trying to fry my brain with your laser vision. 387 00:15:50,162 --> 00:15:52,083 'Please shut up.'So...wow. 388 00:15:52,084 --> 00:15:54,966 Sarah got the cashmere jumper and the spa break 389 00:15:54,967 --> 00:15:57,329 and Mark got the second-hand shredder. 390 00:15:57,330 --> 00:15:58,410 What did he do wrong? 391 00:15:58,411 --> 00:16:01,253 'Why did she have to say? I'm going out with a "sayer".' 392 00:16:01,254 --> 00:16:04,697 'The sayers say they can't help saying, but they can!' 393 00:16:04,698 --> 00:16:06,699 Apparently, if it was new, 394 00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:09,982 which it nearly is, it would be roughly the same cash value. 395 00:16:09,983 --> 00:16:13,867 'This is nice. I might bite my tongue off to relieve the tension. 396 00:16:13,868 --> 00:16:16,269 'Give us something to talk about. 397 00:16:16,270 --> 00:16:17,711 How's the cauliflower doing? 398 00:16:17,712 --> 00:16:20,354 It's just resting in the shop, Dad, 399 00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:23,637 due to the fact that cauliflower is not traditional. 400 00:16:23,638 --> 00:16:26,560 'Didn't give him a chance to respond. Nice. 401 00:16:26,561 --> 00:16:29,924 'I should try leaving the room after I say anything to him - much easier. 402 00:16:29,925 --> 00:16:30,685 So, Jez, how's the...? 403 00:16:30,686 --> 00:16:32,487 I don't want to talk about it, OK, Mark? 404 00:16:32,488 --> 00:16:34,088 Christmas is not ruined. 405 00:16:34,089 --> 00:16:35,530 It's OK, Jez. 406 00:16:35,531 --> 00:16:37,652 A great deal of it is cooked. 407 00:16:37,653 --> 00:16:39,775 Huge areas are cooked through. 408 00:16:39,776 --> 00:16:42,257 'Fashionably rare?' 409 00:16:42,258 --> 00:16:44,620 Film. Three words. 410 00:16:44,621 --> 00:16:48,344 Chariots Of Fire. Next. Why always Chariots Of Fire, Mum? 411 00:16:48,345 --> 00:16:52,348 It's the only one I could think of. I don't even like it. I know. 412 00:16:52,589 --> 00:16:54,350 (WHISPERS) Emmanuelle. 413 00:16:54,351 --> 00:16:56,192 Mum, really? 414 00:16:56,193 --> 00:16:56,873 It's fun! 415 00:16:56,874 --> 00:16:59,996 'Oh, God! This is horrible. And the terrible thing is 416 00:16:59,997 --> 00:17:01,718 'this is the high point of the day. 417 00:17:01,719 --> 00:17:04,321 'This is us allegedly having a great time.' 418 00:17:04,322 --> 00:17:07,284 Film. One word. 419 00:17:07,285 --> 00:17:08,686 Bruno. 420 00:17:08,687 --> 00:17:09,967 Milk. 421 00:17:09,968 --> 00:17:13,611 Brokeback Mountain. 422 00:17:13,612 --> 00:17:15,173 Emmanuelle. 423 00:17:15,174 --> 00:17:18,016 'Oh, the indignity of the public hip thrust.' 424 00:17:18,017 --> 00:17:21,019 Jez, over here. I've got one for you. 425 00:17:21,020 --> 00:17:25,023 Here's one... (WHISPERS) Thus Spake Zarathustra. 426 00:17:25,665 --> 00:17:26,985 Excuse me? 427 00:17:26,986 --> 00:17:29,388 It's a book by Nietzsche. 428 00:17:29,389 --> 00:17:31,710 'Oh, great. Fucking thanks, Dan(!)' 429 00:17:31,711 --> 00:17:35,715 'Thus? No. Spake? No. Zarathustra? Nope.' 430 00:17:38,639 --> 00:17:39,879 Chicken Run.Correct. 431 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:41,281 But...'Fuck you, Dan.' 432 00:17:41,282 --> 00:17:45,285 Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said Chicken Run. 433 00:17:47,208 --> 00:17:51,211 SHREDDER WHIRRS 434 00:17:52,013 --> 00:17:54,255 I guess it is time to move to cross-cut. 435 00:17:54,256 --> 00:17:57,538 My old strip-cut was probably a security risk, to be honest. 436 00:17:57,539 --> 00:17:59,500 That's a real shredder, not a nancy-boy shredder. 437 00:17:59,501 --> 00:18:01,943 'The office equipment homophobe...' 438 00:18:01,944 --> 00:18:03,865 Happy Christmas, one and all! 439 00:18:03,866 --> 00:18:05,707 Oh! 440 00:18:05,708 --> 00:18:08,830 'Not so fast, old man. It's my time to carve. 441 00:18:08,831 --> 00:18:11,593 'The knife has been passed down the generations.' 442 00:18:11,594 --> 00:18:15,598 Er, Jeremy, the, um... 443 00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:19,682 the turkey's not... entirely...cooked. 444 00:18:19,683 --> 00:18:23,005 No. Carve off the bits that are cooked and leave the rest. 445 00:18:23,006 --> 00:18:24,928 That's what carving's for. 446 00:18:24,929 --> 00:18:27,090 Then we will put the carcass under the grill. 447 00:18:27,091 --> 00:18:28,652 Ooh, what's wrong with my knife? 448 00:18:28,653 --> 00:18:31,054 Is that hot knives? 449 00:18:31,055 --> 00:18:32,215 What's a hot knife?Nothing. 450 00:18:32,216 --> 00:18:33,977 Looks like it's been hot-knifed. 451 00:18:33,978 --> 00:18:36,019 Sorry about that. There you go. 452 00:18:36,020 --> 00:18:39,784 You get a blim of hash and get it between two really hot knives 453 00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:42,306 and then honk it up through a bottle or something. 454 00:18:42,307 --> 00:18:44,749 I think. 455 00:18:44,750 --> 00:18:45,830 Ha-ha. 456 00:18:45,831 --> 00:18:49,834 Next up, we'll be learning how to inject heroin into our armpits! 457 00:18:51,037 --> 00:18:55,040 'Oh, God. Foot in the crotch. This isn't very Nat King Cole. 458 00:18:56,082 --> 00:19:00,045 'But I'm getting a hard-on anyway, like the horny Christmas elf I am. 459 00:19:00,046 --> 00:19:01,367 'How pathetic.' 460 00:19:01,368 --> 00:19:05,171 It's nice. I think Pam and I'll take a break till after lunch, Hans. 461 00:19:05,172 --> 00:19:05,491 Isn't that right, darling? 462 00:19:05,492 --> 00:19:09,495 Isn't that right, darling? If you say so. 463 00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:12,859 Have these sprouts been done properly?Yes. 464 00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:15,342 I can't see any little crosses in their bottoms. 465 00:19:15,343 --> 00:19:17,985 They're definitely there.Yep. 466 00:19:17,986 --> 00:19:21,829 'Definitely not. Truth and reconciliation commission after this. 467 00:19:21,830 --> 00:19:24,311 'Full inquiry. Saville, not Hutton.' 468 00:19:24,312 --> 00:19:27,595 Well, that piece was definitely cooked. Delicious, Jeremy. 469 00:19:27,596 --> 00:19:28,756 Thank you, Pam. 470 00:19:28,757 --> 00:19:30,878 'Maybe it's going to be OK.' 471 00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:33,361 Mmm! Mmm! 472 00:19:33,362 --> 00:19:36,244 This gravy is tickety-boo. 473 00:19:36,245 --> 00:19:38,887 Maybe a bit too thick for your mother. 474 00:19:38,888 --> 00:19:41,650 She likes her liquids highly diluted. 475 00:19:41,651 --> 00:19:43,492 'Nope. We're fucked.' 476 00:19:43,493 --> 00:19:45,534 Oh, for God's sake, Dad.What? 477 00:19:45,535 --> 00:19:47,136 Mum wanted to become a homeopath, 478 00:19:47,137 --> 00:19:49,939 but according to Dad, the family couldn't afford it. 479 00:19:49,940 --> 00:19:52,862 I know it's not normal, but we could put the TV on while we eat... 480 00:19:52,863 --> 00:19:56,866 We couldn't afford for her to become a magic water wizard, I'm sorry. 481 00:19:57,148 --> 00:19:59,910 It was just a fad. 482 00:19:59,911 --> 00:20:02,312 It was a great deal more than a fad. 483 00:20:02,313 --> 00:20:06,317 Mm! Yum! Jeremy may have let us down a bit with the turkey 484 00:20:07,279 --> 00:20:10,401 but he's redeemed himself with this delicious bread sauce. 485 00:20:10,402 --> 00:20:12,203 You had enough to buy a sports car. 486 00:20:12,204 --> 00:20:13,885 Carl would've sold that MG for scrap. 487 00:20:13,886 --> 00:20:17,408 Don't bring the MG into it. You don't know what you're talking about. 488 00:20:17,409 --> 00:20:20,572 Ratatouille is on in a minute. It's meant to be amazing. 489 00:20:20,573 --> 00:20:22,494 Fair play, it is fucking good. 490 00:20:22,495 --> 00:20:26,498 Second-hand MG? Got to be a couple of grand. 491 00:20:26,539 --> 00:20:30,543 It was a good deal on a good car, Missy. 492 00:20:33,186 --> 00:20:37,030 So, Dobby, have you had any good Christmas presents this year? 493 00:20:37,031 --> 00:20:39,993 Well, my boyfriend bought me some kitchen tongs... 494 00:20:39,994 --> 00:20:42,556 'Two for one. Nice work, Uncle Scrooge.' 495 00:20:42,557 --> 00:20:45,318 That wasn't the only present he got you, was it, Dobby, as I recall? 496 00:20:45,319 --> 00:20:49,323 Oh, yeah, he bought me something else, gold, but it's in the post. 497 00:20:50,205 --> 00:20:52,406 Oh, dear. 498 00:20:52,407 --> 00:20:56,410 Look, I'm sure Dobby's boyfriend could have strolled into an Argos 499 00:20:56,852 --> 00:21:00,855 and got a bog standard bracelet from a spotty Saturday girl, 500 00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:03,858 but maybe he wanted to get something a little bit special. 501 00:21:03,859 --> 00:21:07,062 Something with an inscription that would make it extra special, 502 00:21:07,063 --> 00:21:09,945 but also would unexpectedly delay delivery. 503 00:21:09,946 --> 00:21:12,147 That's just one of a number of possibilities, right, 504 00:21:12,148 --> 00:21:14,990 so shall we all just lay off him? 505 00:21:14,991 --> 00:21:16,632 Hello. 506 00:21:16,633 --> 00:21:19,996 Touched a nerve? 507 00:21:19,997 --> 00:21:22,599 Something's afoot. 508 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:26,603 Shall I see if I can winkle it out with my winkle-pickers? 509 00:21:26,804 --> 00:21:28,725 'Fuck you, Poirot.' 510 00:21:28,726 --> 00:21:30,928 Look, I'm the bracelet bastard. 511 00:21:30,929 --> 00:21:31,728 Oh! 512 00:21:31,729 --> 00:21:34,091 Dobby's my girlfriend. All right? 513 00:21:34,092 --> 00:21:38,095 Sorry I didn't mention it before, but we're an item and she's great 514 00:21:38,377 --> 00:21:42,380 and it's going really well, and she may appear to you "norms" 515 00:21:43,662 --> 00:21:47,545 like a bit of a freak, but I don't care. 516 00:21:47,546 --> 00:21:50,268 'He shoots, he scores, he calls his team-mate a freak.' 517 00:21:50,269 --> 00:21:53,952 Right. 518 00:21:53,953 --> 00:21:55,594 Now, where's the cauliflower? 519 00:21:55,595 --> 00:21:58,037 Cauliflower is not traditional. 520 00:21:58,038 --> 00:22:02,041 Cauliflower is traditional! 521 00:22:05,045 --> 00:22:08,448 I don't know if it really is traditional, actually. 522 00:22:08,449 --> 00:22:12,452 Could you not slip a muzzle on your woman, please, Mark? 523 00:22:16,818 --> 00:22:19,420 'I notice I'm not saying anything.' 524 00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:20,941 Ahhhh... 525 00:22:20,942 --> 00:22:23,985 'Still not saying anything. 526 00:22:23,986 --> 00:22:26,667 'Nothing coming. 527 00:22:26,668 --> 00:22:30,672 You'll have to excuse me. Thank you. This has all been horrible. 528 00:22:35,358 --> 00:22:37,239 How about Pictionary after lunch? 529 00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:41,243 We're not playing bleeding Pictionary. It's a made-up game. 530 00:22:45,048 --> 00:22:46,609 Dobs...I'm going. 531 00:22:46,610 --> 00:22:50,053 I'm going to fuck off to the Dorchester. Want to come or not? 532 00:22:50,054 --> 00:22:54,057 I'm sorry. I can't. They're my parents. 533 00:22:54,058 --> 00:22:57,701 Look, stay. I'll grow some balls later, OK? And a backbone. 534 00:22:57,702 --> 00:23:00,864 We can have backbone and ball stew all Boxing Day. 535 00:23:00,865 --> 00:23:04,869 You can't just leave. What... what am I going to tell them? 536 00:23:05,310 --> 00:23:08,432 Tell them I got sectioned or had some violent masturbating to do. 537 00:23:08,433 --> 00:23:10,314 'Probably believe it.' 538 00:23:10,315 --> 00:23:13,318 (What do you say, Jeremy? Shall we do it?) 539 00:23:13,319 --> 00:23:15,760 (It'd be so naughty.) 540 00:23:15,761 --> 00:23:19,644 (They'll be next door having turkey and we'll be there, quietly humping.) 541 00:23:19,645 --> 00:23:22,207 But, Sarah, it's Christmas. 542 00:23:22,208 --> 00:23:24,530 So? What, are you religious now, or something? 543 00:23:24,531 --> 00:23:26,412 Do you believe in Jesus? 544 00:23:26,413 --> 00:23:30,096 No, course I don't believe in Jesus, but I do believe in Christmas. 545 00:23:30,097 --> 00:23:32,338 I'm a Christmasist. 546 00:23:32,339 --> 00:23:36,062 'Wow, I did it! I resisted something for something else. 547 00:23:36,063 --> 00:23:37,904 'That was...something.' 548 00:23:37,905 --> 00:23:40,707 Hey, Mark, guess what! I was just offered sex and I turned it down! 549 00:23:40,708 --> 00:23:42,028 Oh, well, congratulations. 550 00:23:42,029 --> 00:23:44,591 I did it for Father Christmas. 551 00:23:44,592 --> 00:23:48,596 'Look at him. He probably thinks Father Christmas died for our sins. 552 00:23:48,637 --> 00:23:52,280 We heard the door. What happened? 553 00:23:52,281 --> 00:23:54,322 Dobby's...gone. 554 00:23:54,323 --> 00:23:58,326 Good riddance to bad rubbish. You can do a lot better than that, Marko. 555 00:23:58,607 --> 00:24:02,490 Well, no, actually, because she's great and thanks to you I'm a dick, 556 00:24:02,491 --> 00:24:04,853 so I was punching well above my weight. 557 00:24:04,854 --> 00:24:07,576 Pass me some of that ham, will you? 558 00:24:07,577 --> 00:24:10,059 I think it's the only meat on the table unlikely to kill me. 559 00:24:10,060 --> 00:24:14,023 Allow me. 'You want ham? Well, you're going to get ham. 560 00:24:14,024 --> 00:24:15,504 'See how you like this ham.' 561 00:24:15,505 --> 00:24:18,468 SHREDDER WHIRRS 562 00:24:18,469 --> 00:24:20,670 What the hell do you think you're doing? 563 00:24:20,671 --> 00:24:22,232 Thought you liked your ham shredded. 564 00:24:22,233 --> 00:24:25,555 Mark! Think what it's doing to the mechanism. 565 00:24:25,556 --> 00:24:26,757 It's fine, Dad. 566 00:24:26,758 --> 00:24:30,761 Somebody stop him, he's gone totally mad. 567 00:24:37,249 --> 00:24:41,252 Hello, Christmas movie. 568 00:24:41,453 --> 00:24:45,256 Right, very well. 569 00:24:45,257 --> 00:24:48,980 I'm making myself some cauliflower. 570 00:24:48,981 --> 00:24:52,985 'Uh-oh. Is Daddy coming to get me? 571 00:24:53,306 --> 00:24:56,068 'No, I've won! It's festive Festen! 572 00:24:56,069 --> 00:24:59,111 'Hakuna Matata! I'm the new Lion King!' 573 00:24:59,112 --> 00:25:02,635 Right, Hans, pour my mother a massive drink. 574 00:25:02,636 --> 00:25:04,357 Jeremy, turn on Ratatouille. 575 00:25:04,358 --> 00:25:06,439 Sarah, crack open the Pictionary. 576 00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:10,444 Merry ChristMark, everyone! 577 00:25:28,864 --> 00:25:33,869 Adriano_CSI 44393

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