All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine - Season 27 Episode 7

And that's supposed to
entertain the over-60s?!

I hope they think it's been
worth waiting 60 years.

Give us a chance!

It looks better in costume.

And with the pizzazz -
lights, music...

The audience leaving.

Do you think she can smile?

Do you think the
muscles have gone slack?

Seen her corsets?
I don't think there's a chance
for anything to go slack.

She was married to
Wally for 50 years!

I don't think he raised a smile.

He was probably waiting
till she was in a good mood.

Some fella, just sitting there...
All alone... On this wall.

Do you think he's going to jump?
And dash himself to pieces?

On the grass? Two foot below?

Just checking.

Maybe he's waiting for a bus.

There hasn't been a bus
past there for 20 years.

Oh, well, no wonder he's sitting.

No?

Which bits didn't you like?
The beginning.

We're working on it. And the end.

But in-between?

Rubbish.

I'm glad to be out of the house.

It's Pick-On-Billy Week. Oh?

I thought that was every week.

It is, but this is special.

They've brought out all the guns.

It's not just the
missus and her sister...

now I'm getting flak
from her dead mother.

In person? Well, no.

Not in person, you twollop.

They use her for chief witness
for the prosecution.

"Me mother always
said you were useless.

"I should have listened
to me mother. Me mother knew."

I get more of her mother now
than I did when she was here.

And people say there's no afterlife.

I'm in two minds about eternity.

A bloke's entitled to a break.

And if there is an afterlife,
who do you finish up with
if you've had three wives?

Well, possibly all three.

But if they start ganging up on you,
eternity's going to feel like...

..Well, like an eternity.

Just make sure
they don't come with their sisters.

That bloke's there again.
Sitting on the wall.

You look like a person
in search of knowledge.

What have we got in mind today?

Insects. Yes, they are, aren't they?

They encourage our
affections and then scuttle away.

You find them affectionate?

At first.

A brief honeymoon
period and they're gone.

I understand they
hibernate every winter.

I think that's just an
impression they give.

A few remain consistently lively
but they're the last ones a
girl should settle down with.

Insects?

Men.

Oh, those insects!

No, I mean genuine insects.

Little creepy-crawlies as opposed to
the larger creepy-crawlies. I see.

It's entomology you're looking for.

I wouldn't be surprised.

The study of insects.

You're interested
in the study of insects?

I have a friend who is.

I've been invited to
join their little group.

That's jolly.

How many in the group?

Oh, it's quite small.

I don't think we're in any
danger of outnumbering the insects.

There's something about him
that looks...

Familiar!

It's Lenny!
From the pickle factory!

Hey up, Lenny! How do, lads?

What brings you out here?

We're always out here.
What brings thee?

I'm waiting for the voice.

How is the little woman?

Not her. This other voice.

What are you going to do now,
providing it's not going
to scratch the furniture?

I'm working on finding some
acceptable substitute for golf.

There are people who
believe there is one.

You hear rumours about people
finding happiness somewhere
beyond the 18th green.

But do you believe it? I'm trying.

It's not easy.

Whatever you choose. As long as
it doesn't mark the furniture.

What have you got there?

This is a stamp album.

And this is a packet of stamps.

Oh, I love it when it's the
beginning of some new excitement.

Yeah. Right.
Although so far, I have to admit,

neither of these items
is setting my pulse racing.
Let's be fair.

The excitement probably only starts
when you take one of those and
begin sticking it in your album.

I don't want you
getting too excited.

Watch your blood pressure, Barry.

At the moment it's not in any danger.

Maybe it takes two stamps.

You know me. I'm a normal bloke.

You're going to ask - why me?

I wasn't going to ask why thee.

Hands up everybody who was going
to ask. Let him get on with it.

The man is clearly in some
emotional torment. I am.

Which is not what you expect from
a reader of Gardener's Monthly.

I didn't expect it either.
Expect what?

Tell him to get on with it.

We shall be here till the
next bus comes. The voice.

Suddenly this voice starts giving me
instructions. I've got one of them.

Two actually.

Whose voice?

That's it, isn't it?
The big question.

All I can tell you is...

it's not from round here.

Foreign? No, it's not foreign.
How would I understand foreign?!

Did it have an accent?

To me it sounded
like a Barnsley accent.

I thought you were
talking about a supernatural voice.

I am.

With a Barnsley accent?

I know a Barnsley
accent when I hear one.

We thought you were speaking of
a voice from... I am. From up there.

From Him.

He has a Barnsley accent?

Not many people know that.

I told you. Mysterious.

Did it have anything specific to
pass on or was it just a social call?

It was an instruction. A command.

It's not the world
coming to an end, is it?

I did that bit once and
wasted a whole Tuesday.

No, it's not
the world coming to an end.

Not so far, anyway.
You'll probably have to
work your way up to that.

Stands to reason - they're not
going to start with the end.

Will you allow Lenny to
get on with his story?!

Thank you.

Two weeks ago,
it were a night like any other.

I was in bed. I'd just dropped off
when I heard this voice.

Barnsley accent. Barnsley accent.

A voice that meant business.

"Don't just lie there!" it said.
"Go and do something!"
Just like that.

No messing. This was a definite
order. I mean, none of this...

"Excuse me, Lenny, would you pop
along and perhaps do something?"

No, this was a definite,
"Get your act in gear!"

Did the voice tell you
what this something
was that you ought to be doing?

No, but that's not
untypical in these situations.

I've been reading up on
these things ever since.

There's often this
element of mystery.

It's designed to make you think.

So, what do you think?

I think...
I wish it could be more explicit.

I'm hoping it'll come through
soon with a bit more detail.

What's the missus think of
all this? Guess. She never heard it.

She was fast asleep.

There's your first problem.

With no witnesses, when you tell
people, you get these funny looks.

You mean like ours?

Exactly.

We take the book with us
everywhere and a magnifying
glass and that's it.

Completely covered.

We're just a couple
of insect collectors.

Insects are a girl's best friend?

That's a new one, Howard.

And the really ingenious part is
that insects are found everywhere.

Which means we're free
to wander anywhere we please.

I wouldn't say absolutely anywhere.

Don't tell me I'm under threat.

..At last.

For instance, we can now be
seen together on this wall

because there'll be insects living
in these stones.

That's a really comforting
thought, Howard. There'll be
no further need to hide.

Car coming.

Did you see that?

What?
Somebody just went over the wall.

I never saw... Exactly.

We weren't meant to see. He went
over that wall like a pocket rocket.

He's up to something.

Behaving suspiciously?

If he was behaving more suspiciously,
the wife would think it was me.

We could be onto something here.
What's the plan?

The plan is - we park here.

He thinks we've gone.

We're going to surprise him.
We're going to walk back.

That's tricky.

It's devious. I like the style but
it means we get out of the car?
Well, yes.

The plan did include that notion.

That's a bad move.

I always feel safer in the car.

Well, of course you do.
It's our habitat.
It's our little nest. It's our den.

It's a back-to-the-womb thing.
It's home and you've made it nice.

Those doilies your wife sent
have made all the difference.

I'm only sorry we couldn't accept
her kind offer of a set of curtains.

Sandals?

I'm not sure about these sandals.

Traditional. Goes back a long way.
You don't get voices
speaking to people in trainers.

This coat's a bit long.

Try a lot long.

They'll think it's
something I've just threw on.

They'll think tha' nearly missed.

You hear a voice.
It says "go do something".

Not a word about wardrobe.

This thing's more
complicated than I thought. Eh.

Here! Use that for your staff.

This doesn't look like a staff.

I'll make thee a proper staff later.

Looking good, Lenny. I've never seen
anybody looking better in a big
overcoat carrying a thingummybob.

I'd say you need a drink, Lenny.

Dressed like that, people will
expect to see you drinking.
As long as we sit near a window.

I don't want to miss
the voice when it comes.

Oh, it's coming again, is it?
I hope so.

I'm stuck here dressed like a wally,
waiting for instructions.

Gone. I told you. Sneaky.

Something guilty going on.

Where did he go?
Good question. You wouldn't think
he could disappear that quick.

What are we going to do?

We'll split up and search.

Split up,

as in you going one way
and me the other?

What's wrong with that?

Don't you think it's unlucky -

partners splitting up?

You're right. Let's go.

You've just disturbed
a very rare creature.

Why, Howard! That's the nicest
thing you've ever said to me.

I meant the beetle.

Is that the leg? That's it.

How impressive.

He never forgets a leg.

Here, what does
Florrie think of all this?

She's not too keen.

She let's thee go wandering off.

Up to a point.
I've got to be back home for tea.
She sends their Wilf to fetch me.

Florrie sounds the right stuff.

She is. She's a good lass.

Their Wilf takes you home
every night in his car?

On his motorbike.
Tha's in for a right draught
up that overcoat tonight.

It's going to be like a wind tunnel.

And there's nowhere you
could easily double-glaze.

Although they
do advertise free estimates.

Florrie doesn't believe in
double-glazing.
It's a faithless age.

Does she believe in voices?

Not in mine. She says it was
the bloke next door shouting.

I bet Florrie wishes
you'd pack all this in.

She does but...duty calls.

It's not calling very often
if tha's only heard it once.

Maybe it got a wrong number.

It would have said sorry.
It wouldn't just end the connection.

No, this voice is for me.

I can feel it.

I'm sure Miss Davenport
will find you some
interesting things to do, Barry.

You'd be surprised.

Barry?

Poor Barry.

I've been pulling his leg.

He thinks I've got designs on him.

I've never understood men
thinking women have designs on them.

It sounds as though we want
to go around drawing patterns
on their exposed surfaces.

The only thing I'd
write on mine is...

"If found,
please return to this address."

Basically, I suppose we're all
just looking for that special one.

I spend a good deal of time
looking for mine.

I'm usually falling over mine.

What's wrong with you? Come in.

I never told you but...I'm allergic.

To libraries? There's nothing
going to bite you!

That's what I used to think.

I'd give him nine out of ten
for being a bit of a walnut.

Nine? What's wrong with ten?

But does he look to you like somebody
you could trust with a message?

Well, I can see him
with one that says, "Please
help me, I've lost my owner."

I wish you'd shut up, you lot.

I'm trying to listen.

You must excuse Norman Clegg.

He has this tendency to be truthful.

How long are you supposed to listen,
Lenny? Didn't it give you any time?

It's not Radio Leeds.

This is something timeless.
They don't care about time.

Oh, like road repairers.

I've got the sandals.

I'm ready for timeless messages.

It's the right look
for messages, Lenny.

You expect people with
messages to look a bit barmy.

Well, I've cracked
it then, haven't I?

Florrie's going to kill me.

It's a question of confidence, Lenny.

People trust people
who are badly dressed.

They don't trust messages
from sharpies in flash suits.

And you're doing very
nicely, Lenny, avoiding flash.

I don't know what's the matter
with you. You used to like books.

I do like books. Well, then!

Enjoy!

We must put it behind us, Barry.

It would never have worked.

Bit more chin thrust out.
Tightens the neck.

Hides your wattles. Me wattles?

You don't want them looking
at your neck and thinking,
"Look at his wattles!"

They'll miss your message.

Now, stick your chin out.

When he gets crowd, what then?

This mystery voice will come in
and guide him.

If he believes stuff like that,
it seems shame not to sell him
nearly-new washer and dryer.

Control your commercial instinct.

This is a man with a message.

Washing machine comes with message
and full instructions.

But does it work?

If not, he's in luck. I do repairs.

How you find this guy?

Just luck, I suppose.
Where did you find him?

Fell off the back of a Florrie.

Sorry. Right, here we go.

Thank you.

Travis's mother wasn't
as bad as you say, surely?

She used to buy his
favourite sweets.

Well, there you are then.

So he could watch her eat them.

Do we gather that you never
really liked his mother?

There was one time I missed her.

I was driving and she
was crossing the road.

I was sorely tempted.

They're not rational
about their mothers.

When we were first married
Howard used to insist on going to
his mother every Sunday for lunch.

Didn't you like her cooking?

He never took me.

Wally's mother was
a nice little woman.

It was his father I couldn't stand.

You beat them once at arm
wrestling and they never forgive you.

Syd's parents were both dead.

And if you tried to get him
wallpapering you couldn't half
see the family resemblance.

You shouldn't be too sorry
for them, I always think.

They owe you for what
you don't know about.

The things they get up
to when they're off the leash.

It's like "husband" is something
they only wear in the house.

They say they're more
playful out of doors.

My Barry's not playful out of doors.

You can't call golf being playful.

You should see the rule book.

Makes you wonder how the
church gets along with only ten.

I don't know what's left of
the ten since we went decimal.

Cheer up, Lenny.

So you didn't draw a crowd.

I think you should reconsider the
whole thing and go home to Florrie.

I'd love to, but you can't.

Once the voice gets you, that's it.

You've been got. You're committed.
Tha' probably will be.

It's a question of honour.

You can't just pack it in
at the first snag.

Works for me.

If it's message you want,

why not try something like -

"See Entwistle Electrics
for all household needs"?

Does he belong to you?

We're looking after
him for a friend.

But supposing you did
have a crowd, Lenny,
what are you going to do with it?

It'll come to me once I get a crowd.

But what if the
voice doesn't turn up?

It will. Once there's a crowd.

You've got to trust your instincts.

We're going to get nowhere with him
until we get him a crowd.

We need a crowd puller
to get him started.

And there's quite a crowd
next door, having coffee.

What we need...

is a warm-up act.

Cue the music.

CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS

Right, Lenny. There's your crowd.

What's up with him?

Is he dumb?

If he is, he's no
dumber than the rest.

Who's taking responsibility?
Does he know what he's doing?

Can he work this thing?

She asks this of Electronic
Entwistle? Wizard Of The Spark.

He's a genius with things electric.

Yes. Somebody was
saying that only recently.

It was him. You see.

Straight from horse's mouth.
Wrong end if you ask me.

I'm a failure.

I like failures.

Some of my
best friends are failures.

Correction. All
my best friends are failures.

I'm standing there
like a muffin and...

no voice.

You're not the only one
who didn't hear the voice.
None of us heard the voice.

You're not supposed
to hear the voice.

There's only me hears the voice.

That's how I know
it's talking to me.

Is he there whom I seek?

He is. Yes. He's here. It's Lenny.

I'm here. It's here.

The voice. Did you hear that?

I told you.

It's just for me.

Hear the word.

Follow me.

I will. I will. Ready when you are.

Now what?

Walk to't middle. Obey instructions.

Are you sure about this?

I was thinking more along
the lines of passing on a message.

Message is...

Jump.

Say again?

Jump.

I don't think so.

That's it, lad.

Tha's failed test.

Go home.

Home?

Hear and obey.

Return to't wife.

I was just going.

Get thee home.

I'm going now.

I accidentally bumped into the
young lady collecting insects.

Return. Go.

He's already gone.

Well, that's it then.

Change of plan.

Got to go home. Back to Florrie.

That's nice. She'll be glad.

Me too.

It's tricky,
this "do something" lark.

Ow!

Barnsley accent. I like it.

You'd know where you were
with a Barnsley accent.

There'd be none of this
flossy liberal stuff.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd