All language subtitles for Episode 616 Yacht Of Fools

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

TV NARRATOR:
English is, of course,

a member
of the Germanic sub-family

of the Indo-European...
Isn't this fascinating?

Must be what TV's like
after you're dead.

All right, Normie,
turn off that claptrap.

CLIFF:
The cavalry has arrived.

I just raided
Vincent's Video Emporium

for the finest

'50s sci-fi fare.

All right.
Yeah, get ready

for a rollicking evening
of, uh, pod people,

invisible monsters
and wisecracking robots.

Ooh... danger, danger!
Danger, danger!

I love this stuff.
Yeah?

Oh, now there's
one of my favorites--

Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

All right.
Good one.

A particularly
trenchant analysis

of the collective
American psyche

during the Cold War era,

with the pod people
representing

the dehumanizing effect
of the McCarthy hearings.

I guess we got, uh,
plenty of other movies there.

CLIFF:
Here we go.

Day the Earth Stood
Still-- a real classic.
Oh...

Klaatu barada nicto...

( chuckling )

For my money,
the finest

allegorical
retelling

of the life of
Christ on film.

Even better than E.T.

Next batter.

Forbidden Planet.

Well, that's
a good choice.

It's a witty revamp of
Shakespeare's The Tempest

with Robbie the
Robot standing in

for the sprite Ariel.

Well, so what'll it be?

( remote control clicks )

TV NARRATOR:
This, then, was the height

of the literary use
of Middle English.

By the end of...

( piano plays )

� Making your way
in the world today �

� Takes everything you've got

� Taking a break
from all your worries �

� Sure would help a lot

� Wouldn't you like
to get away? �

� Sometimes you want to go

� Where everybody
knows your name �

� And they're always glad
you came �

� You want to be
where you can see �

� Our troubles
are all the same �

� You want to be where everybody
knows your name �

� You want to go
where people know �

� People are all the same

� You want to go where
everybody knows your name. �

EVAN:
Look, are
you sure...?

Check out Mr. Evan Drake
over there,

acting like
he owns the place, eh?

Thinks that
he's just

some, uh, big shot
corporate executive, eh?

Doesn't have to
pay attention

to the common man
like you and me?

We're not
important enough.

Well, actually, Cliff,
if it helps

to alleviate this envy
that seems to be

eating you up right now,
studies have shown

that rich people are
40 to 50% less happy

than most of us.

Oh, come on, that's a crock.

Well, of course it is, but we
have to cling to it, don't we?

Thank you.

Damn.

Bad news?

Yeah, a very
important client and I

were going to take
the corporate yacht

out for a little cruise,
but he had to hurry home.

Illness in the family?

No, they overthrew
his government.

Ah, on the weekend,
to boot, huh?

Just can't make plans
with dictators.

( chuckling )
Sam,

why don't you join me?

We're heading out
to Martha's Vineyard.

Oh, I'd love to.

Why don't we make it
a romantic weekend, huh?

Oh, well, I'm flattered,
Evan, that's...

( laughing ):
No, no, no, no.

I meant
bring Rebecca along.

Rebecca? Why would
I want to do that?

Well, the last I heard,
you two were a hot item.

Uh, well, uh...
I'm not going to hear
any more about it.

I don't know, man...
No, no, no.
You two are coming.

Now, just call my secretary.

She'll give you all the details,
all right?

Oh, Mr. Drake?
Hmm.

Um, I'm an
insignificant cog

in the vast machinery
of your corporation.

Nice to meet you.

You being a rich
and powerful guy,

you might think you'd
let yourself get
all fat and lazy,

but you look like
you keep yourself
in pretty good shape.

Well, I get to the gym
a few times a week.

Good, good, then maybe
you can catch the truck

that's towing your Rolls.

I love to see rich people
haul butt.

Well, let's see here.

What little mermaid
would like me

to scale her tail
this weekend?

What, you're not taking
Miss Howe?

No, I thought I'd
have fun instead.

I'm tired of barking
up that tree.

I thought Mr. Drake
told you to take her.

Well, I'll just,
uh, tell him

we broke up,
or something.

Besides...
( clears throat )

I got this, uh,
gorgeous dental hygienist

that I've been
trying to impress,

and flossing every day
just isn't doing it.

( chuckling )

She'll love this yacht thing.

She's, uh, into money
in a big way.

It's amazing
how superficial

some people can be,
isn't it?

Oh, tell me about it.

Good thing for her

she's got
a great set of hooters.

Good luck.
Mmm, thank you.

CLIFF:
Hold it, hold it...

hold it,
hold it, hold...

Look, no, I'm
telling you, Normie,

recent research
into the Revolutionary War

indicates that the, uh,
defenders of this area

were not called
the, uh, Minutemen after all.

Oh, like every history book
is then wrong, right?

Oh, they were actually called
the Minute Men.

A lot of them
under three feet tall,

as a matter of fact.

Right.

Way back in history,
people were shorter.

All right, fine.

Take, for example, the, uh,

the Knights of the Round Table.

Yeah?
Genuine midgets.

You're a very lonely man,
aren't you?

Julie, sweetheart, come on,
it's the middle of winter.

You're going
to have to bundle up.

I don't know, pack
a wool bikini, or something.

All right.

( chuckling ):
Okay, bye-bye.

Whee. All right.

Julie is set.

Sammy, come here.

Let me see if I
got this straight.

What?

Drake invited
you and Rebecca.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, Rebecca's got the
major hots for Drake.

You take Julie
instead of Rebecca.

Rebecca is left standing
alone on the dock.

Hey, what's that
in her hand?

Oh, must be your
severed head.

Uh, don't worry about it.

Rebecca's not even going
to find out she was invited.

Well, Sam, looks like
we're going to be shipmates.

What do you mean?

I just saw Evan outside,
and he told me the good news.

I'm going to be your date.

Uh, well, here... uh...

here's the bad news.

I've already invited
somebody else.

Un-invite her.

Sam, I have been dying

for this chance
to get to know Evan

in a social setting.

He only sees me

as some tough businesswoman
in tailored suits.

I want him to see me
in sportswear.

No... you don't
understand.

See, Julie is really
important to me.

I've been working
like crazy to-to set

something up with
her for almost
three days now.

All right, all right.

I'll, uh, I'll call Evan
and I'll try to fix it up.

I... what am... how
am I going to explain
Julie tagging along?

Oh, I don't know.

Tell him she's your sister.

My sister? Rebecca, this is
a hot, gorgeous, sexy woman.

Yeah, he'll
believe that.

Oh, this looks
just marvelous,

Lorenzo,
just marvelous.

Grazie, signore.

Thanks again, Evan,

for, uh, making room
for my sister here

on such short notice.

Yeah, I really appreciate that.

This yacht must have

cost a fortune!

SAM:
Mmm.

Well, did it?

Well, the important thing
is that it

gets me where
I want to go.

Ah.
Yep.

All I really need is
a boat beneath my feet

and a star to
guide her with.

And of course,
a helicopter pad.

( both laugh raucously )

Oh, you have a
beautiful laugh, Julie.

Doesn't she brighten up
the old tub, Lorenzo?

It is like a ray of sunshine
to have a woman as beautiful

as Miss Malone
onboard.

Oh, and of course
you, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
of course.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Drake,
it's nice...

Wow, you must be very
proud of your brother.

He was one heck
of a pitcher,
I'll tell you.

It's too bad he's
not playing now,

when he could be
making some real money.

Isn't she sweet?

You two are very
close, aren't you?

Mm.
Oh, yeah.

She's, um, like
a sister to me.
( laughs )

I'm afraid I
didn't have much

in common
with my brother.

Oh, you, too--
same with my brother.

Julie, you told me you
didn't have another brother.

Well...
Uh, well...

she doesn't,
actually,
but I do.

Well, well, it's
not actually his brother.

They're just such close friends

that Sam likes to think
of him as his brother.

We just don't have

anything in
common, that's all.

Everything is ready, sir.

Ah.
Ah. Hey!

Everyone help
themselves here.

I have to have
a word with the chef.

Hey, I have three for him,
"Keep it coming."

( laughs )
Whoo!

You know, this
is kind of fun,

pretending to have this
whole different personality.

If you like it, you might
want to get one of your own.

Wow, would you look at this.

Lobster, cracked crab, caviar...

Hey, ham. Whoo!

I wonder what
this spread cost.

You know, Julie, you
seem very concerned

with the price of things.

Don't you find that
a little rude?

Well, it's not like
I asked him how old he is.

What do you think?

45? 50?

Find anything
to your liking?

( chuckles )
Actually, yes.

So have I.

( laughs )

So I guess your cabin
is that, uh,

really big one upstairs, huh?

Uh-huh.

Ah, I'd really like to see it.

Well, maybe I could take
you on the captain's tour

right after dinner.

Oh, I'd really like that.

Do you think your
brother would mind?

What brother?

Ah. Great.

Tonight is the night.
Yeah.

I can feel it in my bones.
( laughs )

Right after dinner,
I'm gonna tell Evan
how I really feel.

Mmm.
No, I'm gonna
show him how I feel.

I'm going to seize
the moment.

Fine, do what you want.

Right about then,
I'm going to be

seizing Julie's
headboard.

Well...

( clears throat )
May I propose a toast?

Oh, yeah.
Yes.

To a night full
of promise and possibilities.

Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.

Hear, hear,
yeah. ( laughs )

Well, I hope
Lorenzo has seen to everything.

Julie, this
is your cabin.

I hope you find
it comfortable.

Thank you.

I'll check in
on you later, sis.

Oh, uh,
that's okay.

I think I'm
getting a
headache.

Well, not to worry.

I'll just drop by
with the old family cure.

Your cabin, you two.

Ah.
Good night.

Good night.
Sleep tight.

Don't let
the bedbugs bite.

I'm sure
you don't have

bedbugs on this boat,
or any other kind of bugs.

Do they even have bugs

at sea?
Well, maybe water bugs...

Good night.

What is my problem?
Huh?

Every time I talk
to him, I sound like
a complete idiot.

( sighs )

Sam?
Mm-hmm.

Did you ever
get tongue-tied
with a woman?

Oh, sure,
lots of times.

As a matter of fact, once we had
to go to the emergency room.

They do have bugs at sea.

Oh, now...

Hey, this is a great
room, isn't it?

( clears throat )

Too bad I won't
be using it.

Yeah, well, if I get lucky,
I won't, either.

( laughs )

Sam, do you have to do
that in front of me?

What? Oh, I'm sorry,

but Julie's a dental hygienist.

This is gonna be the first thing
she checks.

Maybe the second.

You know, I love it
when you talk stupid, Sam.

Uh-huh.

Didn't she just say
she had a headache?

No, no. For
Evan's benefit.

No, she's got the
kind of headache

where you go
straight to bed

and take a couple of
Sammys every four hours.

God, I cannot believe

I'm sharing a stateroom
with you.

I will never get
any mirror time.

All right, all right.

( Sam mumbles )

Thank you.
Just...

Oh, what can
I get you?

Well, let's see.

Uh, today's my birthday.

What's a good birthday drink?

Oh, well, Sam always buys
a free beer

for people on their birthday.

Hey, that's great.

Uh, actually,

it's, uh, my girlfriend
here's birthday, too.

Oh, well, she gets
a free beer, too, then.

( laughter )

Funny thing is,
it's our birthday, also.

Oh, yeah, that's
how we all met.

We were, uh,
at the same party.

Wow.

Free beers all
around then, huh?

CLIFF:
Hey. Hey, hey,
hey, there,

Mr. Hoof and Mouth,
will you put your
thinking cap on?

Hey, what are the chances
of those four people

having a birthday
on the same day?

The odds must be astronomical.

I'm just glad
I was here to see it.

Hey, hey...
Woody, Woody,
Woody, Woody...

Don't you think
it's the slightest bit

of a coincidence
that those four people happen

to have the exact
same birthday as...

Cliff and me?

Really?

A pitcher will be fine.

Yeah.

Two.

You've been working
on your hair all this time,

and it still looks like that?

Like what?

Like something
you'd surf on.

Well...

Give me the brush.

Get down.

All right.

God...

am I really gonna have the guts
to go through with this?

Yes, I am.

I have to.

And now...

There you go.

Yeah, that's great.

This is really going
to be tricky tonight.

Yeah.

I have to create just the right
romantic mood

with Evan.
Yeah.

Do you have any
suggestions on how
I could do that?

Oh, yeah, that's easy.

What you do...
( clears throat )

...is you knock on his door,
and you tell him

that you're having trouble
sleeping,

that you need some air.

And then you get him
to take a little stroll

around the deck with you,

and then when the...
the moment's right,

you tell him you'd like
to see him naked.

Works for me.
Yeah.

I'm out of here.

Okay.

( clears throat )
( sighs )

Good luck.

I-I was just heading up on deck.

I was just going up
on deck, too.

I just changed my mind.

I just changed my mind, too.

Whoa-ho! That was quick.

Was it everything
you thought it'd be?

Sam, don't be stupid.

All right, here I go.

Go on.

( sighs )

I changed my mind,
decided to get some fresh air.

Me, too.
( laughs )

Oh, but I forgot my...

So did I.

Would you do something
about that damn Julie?

What?

She keeps heading
up on deck

every time I open
up the door.

Julie? What the hell's
she doing?

We got a date.

That would probably send me
to the rail, too.

Here I go again.

( sighs )

You ready
for the Captain's tour?

JULIE:
Oh, I don't know.

I don't think I'm
dressed for it.
( laughs )

Maybe you
could help me

pick out
something.

Oh, my God!

What?

I just saw
Evan go in
Julie's cabin,

and my life
has no meaning.

You're crazy.

I'm not, I saw it.

Shoot me now!

( mumbles )

( sighs )

( whispers ):
J-Julie?

Uh, Sam,

I told you I
have a headache.

Oh, wait a minute. What...?

Hey, Drake's in there,
isn't he?

Oh.

Oh.
Well...

I don't believe
this. What...?

You're-You're throwing me over
for that guy? Why?

Just because
he has more money than me?

More money
than I'll ever hope to have?

More money
than most of America h...?

I'm losing this argument,
aren't I?

Good night.

( mumbles )

Okay.

I don't believe the
nerve of that woman.

I believe it.

Of course I believe it.

Because she is
nothing more than

a classless bimbo.
SAM:
Hey,

don't defend her to me.

To think, you know, I
have wasted three days

on that lost cause.

Three days?!

Try wasting two years.

Two years of waiting

by the phone for him to call.

Two years of making excuses
for why he didn't.

Two years

of dreaming about him

and thinking about him.

Living every

moment for Evan Gregory Drake.

Wow.

Boy, you sure have me beat.

I'm just so...

disappointed in him.

Disappointed?
Think how I feel.

I mean, he's in there
boinking my sister.

Oh.

( crying )

I am never gonna
have a husband

or babies.

Oh, now...

Or a family.

All I have is my stupid career,

( high-pitched ):
and I don't even like it.

( crying )
Hey, come on now.

Listen, you-you
are a-a beautiful,

intelligent woman.

Oh, Sam, please, not now.

What? Oh, come on.

What-What you
think that I'm...?

Listen, I made a lot
of stupid passes at you,

but this is not
one of them.

Hey...
( crying )

...you are a
terrific person.

You know, a lot of good
things are gonna happen,

and I'm sure the
right person's
gonna come along.

Well, what if he already did,
and I didn't know it

( high-pitched ):
because of Evan?

( crying )

Well, then, if
you miss him,

then he wasn't
the right person.

( panting )

Oh.

( sniffles )

Really?

Yeah, really.

Really?

( clucks tongue )
Uh-oh.

Um...

listen you're
in a very, uh...

emotional state
right now, and I...

I don't want to take
advantage of that.

If you want me to
leave, you just say so.

I don't seem to be
saying anything.

( knock at door )

Oh...

Oh, I'm sorry.

( mutters )
No, it's all right,
Evan, come in.

Well, I can't sleep until
I get something off my chest.

Well, read a book, man,
and-and get back to us
in about three hours, huh?

No, no. Go on, Evan.

Sam...

I got where I am in life

because I have always
dealt honestly

with people I respect.

Hey, that's great.
Can we talk about it
in the morning, please?

Sam, I tried
to seduce your sister.

Oh, oh, oh...

Oh, well, that's a...
that's a shocker.

Um, may...

maybe we ought
to sleep on it, huh?

Sam, please, give me
my day in court, will you?

You see, I...

Well, since
my marriage broke up,

I have been feeling lonely.

Still, a man gets urges.

Mm.
EVAN:
But

I guess
I'm just too old-fashioned

to think I can find
any real happiness that way.

Nothing happened, Sam.

Oh...
And I just wanted
to explain

that to you, so, uh...

Uh, excuse me.

Well...
Good night.

Yeah, yeah,
good night.

( laughs ):
All right. Now...

All right, okay.

Where were we here?

I have never loved that man
more than I do

right at this very minute.

Me, neither.

So where were we?

God, he needs
someone so badly.

Oh, come on!

I haven't used that
"men have urges" line

since I was
in the fifth grade.

Excuse me, Sam.
( mumbles )

What? Come on!
What are you
gonna do?

You gonna go chasing
after him?

No, no, no.
Please.

It isn't the
right time.

I just have
to think.

I'm gonna go up on deck

and sleep and look at the stars.

Uh, li-listen, you can't...

( laughs )

You can't just work
me up like that,

and then walk out
of here. Please.

Sam...
No, please.

I believe you have a sister
with a vacancy sign on her door.

Right, right.

Say hello to the stars
for me there, sweetheart.

Boy, this... Okay, all right.

( humming )

( clears throat ):
Um, Julie?

( laughs ):
Listen, uh,

why don't we let bygones
be bygones here?

Um, you were tempted,
I was tempted,

but what the hell?

We're both
consenting adults, huh?

I sure hope there's, uh,
some room

in that bunk of yours for me.

There isn't.

I got to stay off boats, man.

Hello.

Hey, Carla.

Did you pick
your mother-in-law up?

Yeah.

I tried to pawn her off
on some Hare Krishnas,

but I think
she's the only thing

they won't take
at the airport.

So, how's it been going?

Oh, fine.

Well, they tried to pull
that old birthday gag

where they get a
free round of beers,

but I caught on
after the fifth round.

Oh, Gomer, Gomer, Gomer.

Geez!

Well, lucky for
me, I remembered

that Mr. Clavin and
Mr. Peterson already
had their birthday.

Those foam suckers
were in on this?!

That does it.
Where are they?

CARLA:
Hey, hey, hey.

I want to talk to you.

Nobody stiffs this bar.

Oh...
Oh...

CARLA:
You owe me

for five rounds.

Hey, come here.

Ooh.

All right, Cliffie,
we split up.

There's no way
she can catch both of us.

Norm-Norm, she's...
she's gonna come after
me first, Normie.

Yeah. Ready?
No,

no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

CARLA:
No. Get back
here. Get...

Oh, oh.
Ooh, ooh.

Hey!

Where's the tip?

( coins clinking )

( snoring )

( loud snoring )

( snoring continues )

( snoring )

( snoring continues )

( loud snoring )

( snoring continues )

( snoring )

( drawer slams shut )

( Sam screams )