All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine S27e02 How To Remove A Cousin

Do you think Alexander the
Great used to have a packed lunch?

You can't go
conquering without a packed lunch.

They couldn't
drop in to a Jumbo Burger.

History never gets down to these
revealing details.

Like, did the man have a painful
corn so he had to wear sandals?

He'd have a corn
specialist amongst his retinue
and an ear, nose and throat guy.

He died young, though, didn't he?

Well, maybe his corn went septic.

Well, I expect if they were
riding all day they probably
got their corns somewhere else.

Stands to reason he'd have a packed
lunch. I bet his mother said...

"You can't go conquering the
known world on an empty stomach."

Aye! "Keep off those oily foreign
foods," she said, "eat your greens."

"And don't let me catch you up those
mountains without a woolly vest."

Do you think
that's why he left home?

Probably.

Have you nothing better to do?

What did you have in mind?

I hope you're not about to coax me
into a weekend at Bridlington.

I'd sooner paper a ceiling.

You don't like Bridlington? Fine.

Take me to Cleethorpes.
You want taking somewhere...

and it's not Cleethorpes.

It would have to be separate rooms.

You do understand that? It would
have to be separate boarding houses
and not even the same week.

You shouldn't fight these impulses.

I realise I stir your blood.

There's no need to be ashamed of it.

You stir anybody's blood?

You'd need a lot bigger
spoon than you've got.

I shan't be alarmed if you start
wearing a bit of make-up and dyeing
your curlers a more attractive shade.

I'm not the kind
who goes around all dolled up trying
to inflame the senses of men.

No, you've cracked that all right.
I'll give you that.

What's tha doing staring into space?

I've just had the last
word with Nora Batty.

It's not like her.

I thought she'd give
me a stronger reply.

That's better. I thought for a
minute she was losing her grip.

What you got for lovers of adventure?

I think I've read that.

What's out there
that's so fascinating?

Freedom.

Hills are for climbing,
not for looking at.

Plus, it makes no sense at
your age to be in a draught.

Help me! Get help.

I'm a prisoner in my own house.

Now you know how it feels.

I trust we can look forward to a
little more sympathy in future.

Don't be a pain, Howard.

I'll get it.

What do you want?

Well, if you're going to be so shy
about asking, I've brought his milk.

I live next door.

He doesn't want this.

He's always wanted it before.

In future, bring him reduced fat.

He wants less fat.

He wants less of
you is what he wants.

What are you grinning at?

Nothing, precious.

I was just thinking
how handy Cleggy's cousin will be

when you want someone to
practise being nasty with.

I don't need the practise.

And don't you forget it.

Suppose they hit truck.

This truck?

You pretty quick on uptake.
Yes, this truck.

OK. Let's look at the
worst-case scenario.

Two people...at speed...

hitting truck.

I don't like already.

Well, here's the good
news - if we stay inside,

keep our hands and feet out of the
way, I think we'll be all right.

What about truck? Oh, don't ask
me truck. I'm a people person.

Ah, here they come.

Better than hit truck.
Aye, it's an ill wind...

From a distance
would you recognise me?

Could I be any golfer or
is there something that says me?

SHE YELPS

Oh, I was miles away.

I wondered who it was.
It's our house. I live here.

That should have given you a clue(!)

Next time cough, or something.
I daren't cough.

At the first cough you start
jamming medication down me.

Would you rather I didn't care?

No. I just wish you'd care with
something that tasted a bit better.

My mother used to swear by it.

AT it, I can understand.

Anyway, dressed like this...

at a distance...
would you know it was me?

Well, of course. You're supposed
to know the person you married.

I'm too conspicuous, aren't I?
I'm going to have to tone it down.

I need to blend in more,

so the captain doesn't see me.

I seem to put him off his
stroke for some reason.

If he doesn't like playing with you,
tell him to go play somewhere else.
Glenda!

That's like telling Mrs Batty she
can't make a Yorkshire pudding.

How do you know what her
Yorkshire puddings are like?

Glenda, some women
attract men physically.

Others have to manage with
great Yorkshire puddings.

Looks like you've been
over-reaching again.

Takes one to know one.

How is Marina?

Sh-sh-sh!

Walls have ears.

What am I saying?
Round here they've got radar.

Go and tell Cleggy
to put the kettle on.

Cleggy's not in charge
of who puts the kettle on.

He's under new management.

His cousin Aubrey's taken over.

Hmm, sounds like a case
for Truly of the Yard.

We'll have to sort that out.

Wife has cousin like that. No cure.

If Alexander the Great could do
what he did on a packed lunch,
we should be able to help Cleggy.

No question about that,
but I can't believe the
situation is all that bad.

What do you want?

It is. It's that bad.

Speak up. I haven't got all day.
Is your Norman coming out to play?

Told you. No cure.

He's probably nicer
when you get to know him.

Who's ever going to want to?

No, let's be charitable.

He's the kind who never got over
losing his sweetheart
on the very day of their wedding.

Died still clutching her bouquet.

Paramedics probably couldn't
get near until the photographer
had finished.

They tried to keep it
from the bridegroom

but he couldn't help noticing
there was only him and the best man.

Two not always company.

Sad story.

Makes you wonder if they enjoyed
reception and disco afterwards.

She'd never been strong.

I bet he sits inside, staring
at the one souvenir she left him -

the violin, which she'd been
bravely learning to play once she'd
recovered the use of her arm.

Which one has a happy ending?

They all have. I made sure.

You can do that with books.

Life, on the other hand,
is trickier.

Do you see me as a tragic figure?

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

All you need is a
bit off your bottom.

Oh!

Does it show?

Not when you're behind a desk.

You wonder if it's worth bothering.

Oh, it is, it's worth bothering.

You've got to believe that.

I'm in the library, Travis.

They say her husband dotes on her.

Yes, I've heard the whispers.
Is it true, then?

Makes you wonder what they have
that other people don't have.

I wonder if she'd
advise on a consultancy basis.

AHEM!

We were just debating
whether romance is still a
possibility for the middle aged.

Or even for those much younger.

It's possible at any age.

I had a friend who went quite
bananas in her 70s.

Of course she'd always
been a keen self-improver.

Handled many of her own repairs.

No, I think romance is one
of the last things to go.

Although eventually it does
become a race against arthritis.

I've already got a touch
on me elbow.

No problem, love.

In my experience romance is entirely
possible with only one elbow.

What about hips?
Once they don't swish like they used
to, my advice is try longer drapes.

How long is the man
planning to stay anyway?

Too long, judging by the look
on Norman Clegg's face.

Long-lost cousins very
difficult to remove.

If tha think cousins are bad,
tha should try the wife's sister.

Some wives are tricky enough
without a sister.

And they're going to stay that way.

The man needs to be frightened off.

Sounds like a case for Nora Batty.

That's no good.
She'll frighten Clegg.

DOOR CLOSES

I'll be with you in a minute... Ah!

What we need is a couple of display
dummies out there on the pavement.

Where are you going to find
a couple of display dummies?

Funny you should ask that. There's
none. He broke the last one.

I didn't break it.

Its head fell off.

Never mind - you've kept yours...

though Lord knows why. Now listen up.

Imagine! If I had
two dummies in good condition...

Well, with no parts missing as far
as the casual observer can tell.

..I could stand one at each side of
the door and create a very
eye-catching effect.

I think that's probably true...

if you had two dummies.

What will you do when you
get him out there in the hills?

Do? We'd do what any red-blooded
adventurous male
would do out there...

which I suppose you could
loosely describe as nothing.

We'd just enjoy it.

Aimless, you see.

No purpose.

No organisation.

Aimless is what we do best.

Clegg's up there among the
Nobel prizewinners for aimless.

I don't like people
wandering about aimlessly.

Life's too short.

Howard's too short
but he gets everywhere.

You need purpose.

I'm teaching him upholstery.

Yes, yes.

He's teaching me upholstery.

You get to hold little
tacks in your teeth.

Could be handy if ever we need
person with tacks in his teeth.

Look, we're sorry your
bride died on her wedding day.

What's he talking about?
My wife's still alive.

What? Well, then, you've
got absolutely no excuse.

And I'd like you to know
that we're not always aimless.

These two are seriously pathetic.

Did I say pathetic?
I meant, of course, athletic.

I thought pathetic pretty close.

Always in training.

Stretching their limits.

Expanding the envelope.

Which is not easy when
your underpants are
climbing up your back?

Have you tried jockey shorts?

They feel so strange
without the horse.

Always in training for what?

You name it.

There's very little sporting-wise
they don't do to a
professional standard.

But can they do upholstery?

He just missed the Olympics
on account of a torn ligament.

Snapped. You could hear it go twang.
You could.

We all stopped what we were
doing and said, "That sounds
like Alvin's torn ligament."

And this is a direct
descendant of Robin Hood.

He laughs at danger.

Famous throughout the entire region
for his dedication to acts of
outstanding stupidity.

Never altered me, though.
I'm still the same simple chap.

He is. He's simple.

We can all vouch for that.

He laughs at intelligence.

They don't look like athletes.

In fabulous condition.
Train every day.

Of course, it's a SLOWER train
these days.

Do they do hill-racing?

Up three peaks on a bicycle?

Do they do hill-racing?

THEY CHORTLE

That's my game, hill-racing.

We'll have a match.

Now, just leave your arms where I
put them. Don't move a muscle.

And look vacant. Lord knows
you've had enough practise.

And keep your eyes still.

What if a customer comes in?

Especially if a customer comes in.

I want to see two statues.

You never used to have any
trouble giving that impression.

Why do we have to wear a bad wig?

Oh, every display dummy wears
a bad wig. It's traditional.

It itches! You can't feel it.

You're made entirely of plastic.

Mummy was a credit card.

Shouldn't we be smiling?

You've never been in a hurry before.

Oh, don't let's be over-ambitious.

No, just do vacant. Now come on
both of you - show me vacant.

What's wrong with the
one you usually do?

All right.

Oh, that reminds me,

when you were dusting yesterday,
who broke the arm off
that little figurine?

That's it! Vacant.

How come I'm selected for
racing bicycles uphill?

Thought of you immediately.

As you would. I'd have volunteered
if I'd known you wanted a
cyclist for racing uphill.

Your life's going to be uphill
if you don't watch it.

Truly's the only one
who volunteered...

only he volunteered me and Billy.

What about my torn ligament?

Healed marvellously.

Shows how fit you are.

You should leave
your body to science.

Hey up! How tough a race is this?

And all uphill! Does that
sound like much fun to you?

Aubrey enjoys it.

Aubrey's an idiot.
And you're an idiot.

Not that sort of idiot.

Why did you lend him your bicycle?

Oh, ho! You don't lend things to
Aubrey.

Aubrey kind of borrows them.

Is he any good on a bicycle?

Well, he has very muscular calves
as a result of constant pedalling.

Not to mention his lips.

Of course, the machine's not ideal -
a borrowed bicycle.

But I dare say I shall still
give you both a thrashing.

Well, tha can start without me.

I'm currently between bicycles.

You can borrow mine.

I'll kill that Howard
first chance I get.

Well, you'll have to
master his bicycle first

or it'll take you straight into
the bushes, looking for Marina.

Right. Customers coming.
Let's have a rehearsal.

SHOP DOORBELL RINGS

Do you think I should?

You want to call that Alvin's bluff.

If he thought
you were getting dolled-up for him,
you'd scare him to death.

Why don't I just flatten him?

You save that till last.

Shop! That's just what you want.

A wig as bad as that,
but more blonde.

Those are terrible wigs.

Mind you, they've got faces to
match.

You do have to wonder why anybody
would display faces like that.

What am I going to do with
a blonde wig?

Your best to give that Alvin a
fright.

He's overdue for one.

Shop!

Ladies?

She wants a bad wig.

I always thought she had one.

Blonde.

But it must be reasonable.

She means cheap. Very cheap.

Now let's be reasonable.

Oh, it was a bit of a pull.

Are you out of breath?

You hear about men doing things
that can take your breath away,
but it sounded more fun than this.

I wonder sometimes
if we need more exercise.

That's a yes, Howard.

I used to have a rowing machine.

I wonder where it went.

Howard,
promise me you're not going to start
bringing your rowing machine.

I wonder if there's
anything upstairs.

Funny you should say that.

Of all the hills round here they
had to choose this one.

Oh, heck.

Oh, you're really very fit, Howard!

What makes you think you
need a rowing machine?

It's a bit unsettling,
you going blonde, Nora.

Some things
should never be tampered with.

I've never been tampered with yet,

and I don't plan to start.

She's planning a
surprise for her neighbour.

I'll surprise mine one of these
days if she keeps shouting
and frightening Travis.

Why is your neighbour shouting?

You've got a decent postal code.

She's between husbands.

It always makes her tense.

I think Nora's chemistry must
have gone a bit unstable
if she's going blonde.

No, it hasn't.

It wouldn't dare.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

I'm coming, Travis.

I shan't be long...

You heard there was an
accident in High Street?

No, I wasn't there,

it wasn't me.

I promise you, Travis,
I have not been staggering
around with a cut on my head.

I don't know how she does it.

It's a mixture of superhuman patience
and shouting at him.

No, there's no need for you
to go down and give blood.

You need all you've got.

I'm coming, Travis.

No, I don't need a bed downstairs.

Don't touch anything.

Goodbye, Travis. ..No, not forever.

I'll see you in a minute.

I'll have to go.
KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, Miss Davenport, come in.

Hello. ..Mrs Batty,
I knew I had it somewhere.

Is this the kind of
thing you're looking for?

Oh, that'll do nicely, thank you.

Is it your wig, Miss Davenport?

Yes. It was my glam period. Well,
they say gentlemen prefer blondes...

also those who are very far from
gentlemen, as one soon finds out.

I need to blend in more.

I don't want to stand out.

Oh, Barry, I think you always stand
out. I could pick you out anywhere.

I don't mind if it's you, but I
don't want the Captain
picking me out.

You want to blend into the
background?

I do.

I want to do a really good blend.

You want inconspicuous.

That's right. The effect I'm after
is inconspicuous. You're in luck.

I'm doing a special on inconspicuous.

Wait here.
I'll bring you a selection...

if it's not so inconspicuous
that I can't find it.

I don't think I like
this inconspicuous.

Just for golf. Is it because I
bought you those fancy boxer shorts?

You're telling me, "Glenda, don't
buy me any more boxer shorts." No.

You bring some colour into my life.

I thought you were going to say they
bring some colour into your cheeks.

Ah... Ah... Ah...

ACHOO!

BOTH: Bless you!

Maybe I'm going soft, but I
think they deserve a lift home.

Have you gone soft enough
to buy washing machine? No.

You tell me when.

You'll be the first to know.

I bet Aubrey's bouncing up and down
showing off his calf muscles.

He'll be unbearable
now that he's won.

He'd be unbearable if he lost.

That's true.
At least he's consistent.

You think while he's in good
mood he might buy washing machine?

He doesn't have good moods.
He makes bad do for everything.

SQUEAKING

Look!

They've killed Aubrey.

No, I mustn't say that.

Sorry, God.

But it's fine by me

if he's only so severely
wounded that he has to go home.

You've broken Aubrey.

How did you manage to break Aubrey?

His drinking muscles aren't
as sharp as his leg muscles.

You were supposed to be racing
not boozing. We did race.
He beat us up every hill.

Oh, he would.
He does things like that.

He was becoming unbearably cocky.

Oh, he does that, as well.

So we issued him another challenge.

Who could drink the fastest pint?

First two rounds were a tie.
So we had to go again.

And again, by the look of it.

The landlord was very critical
of his performance.

I don't think Mrs Aubrey's
going to be all that thrilled.

Tha can't send a bloke home
in that condition.

That's against the Geneva Convention.

Don't start getting picky. I can
send him home in ANY condition.

He should take her some small
gift...

like washing machine.

You know I'd never throw you in a
hedge bottom except in emergency.

Where do you want this?

SMASH!

Bye-bye, Aubrey!
ALL: BYE!

Did something move? I could have
sworn I saw something move.

It did. It did. Something moved.
I knew it - something moved!

It's him. It's always him!

I think I liked Aubrey better
when his knees were wobbly.

True. But I see Aubrey as the kind
of person who had legs that
would sober up.

Just shows - you can't trust
anybody.

Well, even wobbly, you couldn't
live long with Aubrey's knees.

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