Original subtitles

I feel like I'm going to get, like, protective of you. I'm going to be like,

don't eat it! Don't do it! Leave!

This is Hot Ones Versus.

In front of these contestants is a deck of deeply personal questions.

They can either tell the truth... I thought we were best friends!

...or suffer the wrath of the last stand. Oh no!

Whoever eats the most wings, loses.

That's a wide-angle lens.

Okay, so if we don't get one right or fail to answer, that's the time we use.

I would say the shape of this one is a little bit more perplexing. Like, the

format. I can smell already burning my nose.

I was feeling totally fine until this very moment, and now I'm starting to

feel a little nervous, doubtful, but also positive.

Our new film, The Wrong Girls, is a fresh update on the stoner comedy.

Let's see how well you know the beloved genre.

I will now read genre.

Genre?

Genre. Genre. I will now read plot descriptions from the back of VHS boxes,

and you must tell me which movie it's describing.

Miss Juan.

Anita Deathwing.

After being mistaken for a millionaire of the same name, A bowler seeks

restitution for his ruined rug.

Yeah, it's the dude.

It's the big dude Lebowski.

Two best friends set off on an epic all-night adventure to satisfy their

cravings for burgers.

I just went by one of those, and I was like, dude, fuck, I haven't had that in

so long.

And what's that movie called? White Castle. Wait.

That's the name of the place, but what's the movie called?

Harold and Kumar?

Yes! Very good.

Two guys smoke something magical that helps them ace their college entrance

exam. No, I don't know.

You don't know? No.

How high?

Okay.

Do you want to go together?

I don't have to eat it yet.

I thought we were best friends.

I'm definitely going to get things wrong, so let me just ride this out as

long as possible.

You don't have to eat the whole wing.

Do you think people, like, really, like, put it on? Like, where they're like...

Yes. Do you think people lie?

Do you think these male actors are doing more than they need to?

Yes.

Three friends come up with a series of crazy things to get a friend. Oh, that's

kind of crazy, though.

Oh, no!

You're all right.

Wait, you're good with spicy.

The fact that you said this? You're good, too. Fuck me!

Okay, we first worked together on the 2010 film The Runaways, having worked

together on multiple projects.

You know, what's my most annoying habit as a creative asshole?

What's your most annoying habit? Is there a correct answer? It's my favorite

question. I'm like, tell me.

In what ways am I annoying?

Like your perseverance for the truth at all times.

And even if it's like I'm not answering honestly anytime, you're like, no, say

the truth. Say it now.

I mean, I think you could probably lay it on me a little bit more, but not for

here.

So are you going to make me eat a chicken wing or no? I think you have to.

It's crazy.

Oh, my God.

I guess this is going to happen anyways.

They're all the same.

It's just a piece of chicken.

Okay. It's weird how dry it is.

I think it's like TV chicken.

I don't know how it's so spicy and so not spicy.

Oh, no.

I know. This is why they do a show where they make people eat chicken.

And, yeah, it's weird. This room is weird, but I'm lightheaded.

Yeah. We're just going to, like, go home after this?

Next question. Okay.

This is a wild card.

Oh, no.

Does the milk warm? I'm, like, shivering.

Yeah, I'm cold.

In 2009, High Times dubbed me the Donette of the Year.

Let's see if you're on my level when it comes to...

Weed knowledge. Both of us will go back and forth.

Listing alternative names for marijuana.

I haven't said that in a long time. Marijuana? Yeah, that's definitely not

one I use. First player to draw a blank must eat a death wing. Fuck, okay.

Bud.

Herb.

Tree. Wowie.

Green. Chronic.

You already did herb.

Fuck.

Sticky icky.

Sorry, but you said it.

Maybe I just won.

Yeah, I think you just won. Okay.

Am I supposed to pick another one?

I would say, honestly, don't do anything you don't want to do.

I'm going to do one more for the kids.

For the children at home.

You better go see our fucking movie.

It's the lips.

My lips are burning.

But it is kind of crazy there isn't a female stoner comedy.

Like, there's Smiley Face, but she's on her own.

I mean, I know Dylan saw that there was a gap in the culture, so that's why she

wrote it.

I love this.

Your tongue is just bigger than it's ever been.

Women are important.

It's important to have women doing things men do.

How did you just absorb it all? I'm still crying.

Yeah, you're on the other side. I'm still not. I don't even know if I can

read this out loud. My tongue stopped working.

Friendship test. I'm going to write down my answer and you have to guess my

response. Guess wrong.

Eat a dead wing.

Having appeared on one of the most beloved sitcoms. Having a period?

What's happening? Having a period on one of the most beloved sitcoms in

television history.

Fans are constantly yelling Arrested Development quotes at me in public.

However, what is my personal favorite Arrested Development quote?

I didn't write this, just so you know. Right.

But they're making it for my POV.

They don't know what the fuck I do. I understand.

They don't know what my life's like.

What is my favorite quote that they say to me? They know what the fuck I do.

Dude, I... There's one main one that I get yelled at all the time.

Well, you haven't seen all my movies, so it's okay.

Oh, babe, I don't know.

Cute.

That's a nice thing to do sometimes. And is it weird? Have you ever been like...

There's been many moments where I'm like, it's not the time.

And they do it, and I have to be like, what?

Can I get my coffee? I would walk off the edge of the earth if you were like

me. Oh, yeah, definitely.

No, I love my fans.

I'll do anything for them.

Yeah, I guess, like, all actors have different relationships with filming.

For a while, it felt like an albatross where I was just like, this show is a

fucking show.

No one will forget about it.

And now I'm like, I'm so proud of it, though, because I was like, I wanted

people to know all the other cool shit I did. But, no, I'm really proud of it. I

mean, I learned how to be...

Really funny at a very young age. Look at you just answering that like dead

ass. Yeah.

I'm fucking funny.

I learned at a young age. Oh, yeah. Here we go, Kristen.

Bing bong. Get on my level.

The first one was worse. I know they're the same, but this over here was like.

Or at least five weeks.

I like eating in front of all you guys.

You're fine. Fine. You're not even hot.

Fucking fine.

Friendship time.

I'm going to write down. That one wasn't hot, dude. I actually feel chipped. Oh,

my God. What the fuck? I was ready to go back in.

I'm going to write down my answer, and you have to guess my response. Guess

wrong and eat a death wing.

Oh, I thought you made that up. No.

I was just improv-ing on hot bones.

I know their lingo.

I own an impressive collection of vintage T-shirts. What is my most prized

item in the collection?

I don't know.

Are you going to write one down?

Well, you're not going to know this. Yeah, I know. This is very, very...

about my, about me.

I mean, this isn't the answer, but you were wearing this shirt.

I love a dry erase board, though. Yeah, this is fun.

This is not even an answer, but I'm just, this is what... What?

Aliens in the USA?

No, what is the shirt you're wearing on the... Ancient Aliens. Ancient Aliens.

That was a cool shirt, but that's not it.

What is it? What's the answer?

That's, like, way better.

It's so boring.

It's, like, too real.

The specials. Oh, that's so cute.

Fuck it.

I like the specials. This one time I was here in New York, like, for one of the

first times, and I bought this T-shirt, and I was, like, a kid, so I was like,

oh, my God, I'm so cool now.

You are cool now. Yeah. You've always been cool.

I, you know, really is in the air today.

All right, here we go. We're going back in.

Truth bombs. I don't feel like I'm on TV. I'm not.

This is therapy. Yeah. The next question is going to be, like.

Do you love your mother or your father more?

You love these wings, though. You don't have to do that. Oh, right. Because

we're playing a game. Yep.

Honestly, I was enjoying feeling something for the first time. You know

what I mean?

I was just talking about how I gave birth without drugs and this is worse,

honestly.

I was like, yeah, I'm a badass. And then I'm like, I don't want to eat another

chicken wing.

I thought that one was fine.

And then it went to my throat.

While you are an individual with many talents, I might surprise viewers to

learn that you are an expert juggler.

You must now juggle three objects without dropping any. Fail.

I need a dead wing.

I start juggling the wings way too much.

What the fuck? When the fuck did I say I was an expert?

These aren't real. They're not real.

Fuck. It's been a while, man.

I'm like, my dexterity, my motor skills, they are not the greatest right now. You

got this. We, like, keep eye contact, too.

Oh, fuck me. Ah.

Fuck. Oh,

yes! That was it. I feel like you did that. Thank you.

I mean... You did it. Oh, my God, my heart.

You just throw up everywhere. I know. I'm like, I'm just going to keep one of

these.

The next challenge is tough to focus into termination.

There are few things as instantly distracting as a photo of a cute cat.

A series of cute cat photos will now be placed on the table in front of us, and

I will describe them to you.

If you look down at any of these photos at any point, you must eat a death wing.

However, if I am unable to convince you to look at any of the cat photos, then I

must eat the death wing. So all I've got to do is not look at the photo?

Yeah. That sounds easy.

Okay, so there are cats.

They're here, and they're queer.

And they do actually kind of look like they might fuck.

And they have blue eyes. There's like three of them, so there's four, six.

There's six blue eyes. Honestly, it's kind of challenging, but I'm still not

going to do it. Well, what are you going to fucking do?

You're not going to look at it.

The cats are holding hands.

Little do they know about my relationship to cats, I'm like, it's

okay for me not to look at this photo.

This cat is actually begging you to look at it. No.

To be honest, I don't discriminate.

It's just that I wouldn't want to hang out with this cat.

Oh, okay.

And I like cats.

I know, you love cats. I didn't say I don't like cats. No, you don't.

But could you not like this? I think this is a boy kitty.

He looks like... Oh, I just like...

But you didn't see it.

I just try and get you out of everything all the time. I'm like, you didn't even

see it. You didn't even see it. Yeah.

I'm no pussy.

I've never heard so much, like, ever. The skin?

Yeah. Like, we eat together all the time, and I've never been like, I'm

like, why do I hear that so much?

It's tradition around here to put a little extra on the last wing. You and

your opponent can add an extra dab to your final wings now. You and your

friend can just take some hot sauce and put it in your butt.

See how that feels.

I mean, I don't want to. Dude, isn't she fucking funny?

She loves butt jokes.

Maybe have that little edge right there because that looks like it sucks.

You want it this edge or you want it fresh?

Hey, give me this.

For our final challenge, we will draw portraits of each other.

Whoever laughed at their opponent's work must eat a death wing. I'm feeling

really humorless.

Yeah, you're not going to laugh.

You don't feel like laughing at all.

Okay, we'll have you two stand up real quick.

You're crying.

I can't draw. Like, math and drawing, both of those things. I can't do

it.

So natural.

She's a natural.

Okay. What is my visual style?

Like, surreal, scary cartoons, I like to say.

What does your nose look like?

Where you at? Show me your nose.

Oh, dude,

I'm making you look like a hot anime girl. Really? Oh, my God, fuck. I'm

writing you a poem.

Dude.

Oh, my fucking God. See?

Try it.

I'm like, stay in your fucking lane.

Do your thing.

I'm actually thrilled to have this.

What the fuck?

It's you.

Oh, man.

Look how cute you are. I fucking love you. Did you write me a poem? Oh, my

God. Come on, read it. Holy shit balls. I love your ass and your face, and you

have great hair, which I could never draw. I wouldn't do you like that, cunt.

That's so fucking good. I'm keeping this though. I have to read this. Oh, right.

That was the rule. We're not supposed to allow.

We were yours. That was yours also. Yeah.

Cheers, babe. Cheers, dude.

So loud.

Just when I was getting comfortable in my body.

Let's go back. I would never have done the pull-on. Literally. I only

want to do the show with you.

I want to do everything with you.

I liked it.

Yeah, it was pretty good. Did you get on that last one? Are you feeling it?

Woo!

The wrong girls. In theaters, go see it.

We did this for you.

There we go! Woo!

Triple one. Yeah, yeah.

Really? Dude,

you directed the shit out of this. Yeah, I was just doing.

Do you think these male actors are doing more than they need to?

Hey, what's going on, Hot Ones fans?

You know you can catch me every Thursday interviewing celebrities over the wings

of death. But if you're looking for a little more Scoville-laced action, tune

in Tuesdays for Hot Ones Versus. It's the show where celebrities go head-to

-head. They either tell the truth or suffer the wrath of the last dab.

So tune in Tuesdays for a front-row seat to the fiery fights and celebrity

clashes. That's Hot Ones Versus, Tuesdays on First Week Beat. Don't miss

it.