All language subtitles for Wishin and Hopin 2014

[playing Wishin' and Hopin']

[slow jazzy music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ WISHIN' AND HOPIN' ♪

♪ AND THINKIN' AND PRAYING ♪

♪ PLANNING AND DREAMING ♪

♪ EACH NIGHT OF HIS CHARMS ♪

♪ THAT WON'T GET YOU ♪

male narrator:
WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG,

CHRISTMAS IS WELD TOGETHER
INTO A BLUR OF JINGLE BELLS

AND TWINKLING LIGHTS.

BUT THE ONE OF 1964,

THE YEAR I WAS
A FIFTH GRADE STUDENT

AT ST. ALOYSIUS GONZAGA
PAROCHIAL SCHOOL,

WAS WHEN I LEARNED
WHAT WAS ACTUALLY IMPORTANT.

I GUESS YOU COULD CALL IT
THE CHRISTMAS OF SURPRISES,

AND I DON'T MEAN THE KIND

THAT ARE GIFT WRAPPED
UNDER A TREE.

IT ALL STARTED WHEN I,
FELIX FUNICELLO,

ACCIDENTALLY TRIGGERED
MY TEACHER

SISTER DYMPHNA'S
MELTDOWN.

- SPIT OUT THE GUM.

narrator:
FOR THIS AND ALL MY PAST SINS,

I'M HEARTILY SORRY.

- "MORTAL SINNERS: BURNING
IN HELL OR HEADED THERE"

BY ROSALIE TWERSKI.

LEE HARVEY OSWALD
AND JACK RUBY--

MURDER.

narrator: SISTER DYMPHNA,

WHO WAS NAMED
AFTER THE PATRON SAINT

OF SLEEPWALKING AND INSANITY,

SEATED US BY ACADEMIC RANK.

MY BEST FRIEND LONNY
WAS IN THE LAST ROW.

- [spits]

narrator:
HAVING STAYED BACK TWICE,

HE WAS THE OLDEST KID
IN CLASS

AS WELL AS THE DUMBEST.

I WAS SEATED IN FRONT,

SECOND IN CLASS
TO ROSALIE TWERSKI.

- MARILYN MONROE--
SUICIDE.

narrator:
WE ALL KNOW A ROSALIE TWERSKI.

- SISTER DYMPHNA,
I THINK YOU FORGOT

TO ASSIGN HOMEWORK
FOR THE NIGHT.

CAN WE HAVE MORE DIFFICULT
MATH PROBLEMS NEXT TIME?

THESE ONES WERE TOO EASY.

CAN WE ADD ILLUSTRATIONS
FOR EXTRA CREDIT?

MY FATHER, OF TWERSKI'S
IMPRESSIONS PRINTING,

WOULD BE HAPPY
TO DONATE THE MATERIALS.

RUDI GERNREICH INVENTED
THE TOPLESS BATHING SUIT.

- [sighs]

- PERVERT!

SISTER DYMPHNA,

FELIX FUNICELLO
JUST ROLLED HIS EYES AT ME.

SISTER DYMPHNA?

- FELIX!

SHOW MS. TWERSKI SOME RESPECT!

[desk rattles]

- THANKS A LOT.

- YOU'RE WELCOME, DONDI.

narrator: UGH, DONDI--

A NICKNAME I'D BE STUCK
WITH FOR YEARS

BECAUSE OF MY UNDENIABLE
RESEMBLANCE

TO THAT ADORABLE ITALIAN ORPHAN
FROM THE COMIC STRIPS.

- YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A DIRTY,
ROTTEN RAT FINK, TWERSKI.

- I KNOW YOU ARE,
BUT WHAT AM I?

narrator:
SHE HAD TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON.

AND DURING LUNCH,

LONNY AND I DEVISED OUR PLAN.

[projector whirring]

- WHAT NAME SHALL WE GIVE HIM,
FATHER?

PERHAPS IT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT
IF WE NAMED HIM

AFTER TODAY'S SAINT.

- VERY WELL.

- IT'S ST. MARCELINO.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- [whispering]
PSST, FELIX.

- YOU LOOK VERY HUNGRY.

I'LL BRING YOU SOMETHING TO EAT.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

BROTHER COOKIE, HELP ME QUICK.
THERE'S A SCORPION OUT HERE.

- OW!

WHO DID THAT?

- MARCELINO!

MARCELINO!

- I GOT SOME BREAD.
I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING ELSE.

I WAS IN SUCH A BIG HURRY.

- IT TOUCHED ME!

- [screams]

[all screaming]

- SATAN, I REBUKE THEE!

[whimpering]

LEAVE, I PRAY!
SAVE THE CHILDREN!

LUCIFER!

- HOLY CRAP,
SHE FINALLY FLIPPED HER WIG.

[laughing]

narrator: MY SISTER SIMONE HAD
SWORN ON A STACK OF BIBLES

THAT THE SISTERS WERE
AS BALD AS YUL BRYNNER.

I COULDN'T WAIT TO TELL HER
ABOUT THIS.

- DUCK AND COVER, CHILDREN!

IS IT GONE?

- YES.
YES, IT'S GONE.

- IT WAS CROSS WITH ME, SISTER.
- OH, NO, NO.

- IT WAS--
- IT WAS A TEST.

PERHAPS IT WAS A TEST.

ARE WE OKAY?

- THE CHILDREN!
- OH, VERY GOOD.

- THE CHILDREN ALL RIGHT?

- YOU PUT THE CHILDREN FIRST.

EXCELLENT.

THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.
YOU MAY TAKE YOUR SEATS.

- I DON'T LIKE ITS MOUTH.

- YES, I THINK WE'RE FINE
TO LEAVE NOW.

narrator: THE KUBIAK TWINS,
RONALD AND ROLAND,

WERE RAISED ON A DAIRY FARM

AND NO STRANGERS TO TAKING CARE
OF ROGUE BATS.

WE SPENT THE REST OF THE DAY

UNDER THE RULE OF ST. ALOYSIUS'
MOST NEFARIOUS PENGUIN,

THE ENFORCER,

SISTER AGRIPPINA.

THIS WAS CLEARLY MY PENANCE
FOR THAT DAY'S SINS.

- [slaps]

narrator: THAT NIGHT, SIMONE
AND MY OTHER SISTER, FRANCES,

HAD NOTHING BUT ENCOURAGING
WORDS TO CALM MY FEARS.

- I HEARD AGRIPPINA
ONCE HURLED A DICTIONARY

AT SOME KID'S HEAD FOR SPEAKING
WITHOUT RAISING HIS HAND.

- THAT'S NOTHING.

I ONCE SAW HER
RIP WAYNE WALKER'S GLASSES

OFF OF HIS FACE
AND SNAP THEM IN TWO

JUST BECAUSE HE HAD
SLOPPY PENMANSHIP.

- OH, YEAH, AND THEN THERE'S
THAT MOLE ON HER BOTTOM LIP

THAT SHE TRIES TO HIDE
BY BARELY MOVING HER MOUTH

WHEN SHE TALKS.

- FELIX, WHATEVER YOU DO,

DON'T LET HER CATCH YOU
LOOKING AT IT.

- YEAH, DON'T.

- WHEN YOU FINISH
YOUR VOCABULARY,

I WANT YOU TO TAKE OUT
YOUR LIBRARY BOOKS

FOR SILENT READING.

narrator: THERE IT WAS
STARING RIGHT AT ME.

- YES, ROSALIE?

- SISTER AGRIPPINA,

I WAS JUST WONDERING
HOW SISTER DYMPHNA WAS DOING.

WILL SHE BE BACK SOON?

- SHE'S RESTING COMFORTABLY,

AND SHE WILL BE BACK
AFTER THE CHRISTMAS BREAK.

NOW, GET OUT THAT BOOK.

YES, ROSALIE.

- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT?

LAST YEAR,
THE FIFTH GRADERS PERFORMED

THE SEVEN JOYS OF MARY.

AND IF WE DO IT AGAIN THIS YEAR,

I WOULD GLADLY
REPRESENT THE BLESSED VIRGIN.

- WE'LL HAVE TO SEE WHAT
YOUR PERMANENT SUBSTITUTE

HAS PLANNED.

- BUT WHO'S GONNA BE OUR SUB?

- YOU DO HAVE A LAY TEACHER

WHO'S COMING NEXT WEEK
TO TAKE OVER.

PLEASE, BEGIN YOUR READING,
MISS TWERSKI.

IS SOMETHING THE MATTER,
MR. FUNICELLO?

narrator: IT HAD GROWN TO
AT LEAST TEN TIMES ITS SIZE

IN THE PAST TWO MINUTES.

- NO, SISTER.

- SILENT READING, ROSALIE!

narrator: MY FAMILY
HAD ONE CLAIM TO FAME:

WE WERE COUSINS
WITH ANNETTE FUNICELLO.

YES, THE ANNETTE FUNICELLO.

TECHNICALLY, SHE WAS
MY FATHER'S COUSIN'S KID,

BUT WHO WAS KEEPING TRACK?

THE PICTURE WAS A CHRISTMAS
PRESENT FROM POP'S COUSIN

A FEW YEARS BACK.

WE TOOK PRIDE IN BEING RELATED
TO A FAMOUS MOVIE STAR.

BUT THE ONLY ONE MORE SO
THAN ME...

- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

narrator: WAS SIMONE.

- IDENTICAL, RIGHT?

- I THINK YOU'VE INHALED
WAY TOO MUCH HAIR SPRAY.

[coughs]

narrator: BUT THERE WAS
ANOTHER FAMILY MEMBER

ON THE BRINK OF STARDOM.

I, FELIX FUNICELLO,

WOULD BE MAKING
MY TELEVISION DEBUT

ON THE RANGER ANDY SHOW
LATER THAT MONTH

WITH MY JUNIOR MIDSHIPMEN GROUP.

YOUR OLD MAN HAD TO HAVE BEEN
IN THE NAVY

TO JOIN THE MIDSHIPMEN,

SO I WAS THE ONLY ONE
IN MY CLASS GOING.

SURELY I'D BE THE ENVY
OF EVERYONE,

ESPECIALLY ROSALIE TWERSKI.

- FELIX FUNICELLO.

FELIX FUNICELLO.

FELIX ANTHONY FUNICELLO,
THE FIRST.

narrator: I WAS READY.

- HEY, MA.

- HEY, HONEY.

OH, HEY, LISTEN,

TOMORROW YOUR FATHER IS HEADED
INTO TOWN TO THE WHOLESALER'S,

AND I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR SISTER
SHOPPING AFTER SCHOOL.

SO CHINO WILL BE WATCHING YOU.

- CHINO?

- YES, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH CHINO?

HE'S A RESPONSIBLE ADULT FIGURE.

- YOU MIGHT AS WELL HIRE ODDJOB
TO BABYSIT ME.

- WHATEVER WAS I THINKING?

narrator: DINNER WAS ALWAYS
AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE DAY.

POP OWNED A DINER DOWN
BY THE BUS STATION

AND ALWAYS FILLED US IN
ON THE DAY'S DIRT.

- CHRIST, OUR LORD,
AMEN.

- AMEN.
- AMEN.

- SO THE MINISTER'S WIFE
COMES IN,

AND SHE SEES I'M TRYING
TO RECRUIT ANOTHER SAILOR

FOR HIS MISSIONARY WORK,

AND SHE--

- FELIX, HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?

- NEXT WEEK, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
A NEW TEACHER.

- THAT'S GREAT.

- YEAH, WE'RE REALLY EXCITED.

- YEAH?
WHY'S THAT?

- DID YOU HEAR
WHAT AGRIPPINA SAID?

A LAY TEACHER.

- YEAH, I HEARD.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, RIGHT?

- 'CAUSE ALL US GUYS
ARE GONNA GET LAID.

- [laughs]

- [laughs]

- SAL, MAYBE YOU CAN
TAKE FELIX OUTSIDE

AND FINISH THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
AFTER DINNER.

- YEAH, POP.

- I WAS THINKING OF WAITING
ON THAT.

SOUNDS GOOD.

SO, UH...

FELIX, WHAT YOU SAID
ABOUT YOUR TEACHER--

- WHAT ABOUT IT?

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WORD
YOU USED MEANS?

narrator: I CLEARLY WOULDN'T
HAVE SAID IT IF I DID.

- NO.

- SEE,

WHEN YOU GET TO A CERTAIN AGE...

- OH, MAN.

narrator: I HAD AN UNEASY
FEELING POP

WAS STIRRING THE CONVERSATION
TOWARD THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.

AND, HEY, IT'S NOT THAT I DIDN'T
NEED INFORMATION ON THE SUBJECT,

BUT I NEVER EXPECTED HIM TO
ENLIGHTEN ME BY TALKING ABOUT--

- TOILET SEATS
AND DRINKING FOUNTAINS.

SO...

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE A LOT OF
PEOPLE TAKING A SIP OUT OF THEM.

AND YOU DON'T...

WANT TO TOUCH
YOUR LIPS ON THE METAL.

YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

- I THINK SO.

- GOOD.

GOOD.

GREAT TALK, SON.

- ARE YOU GETTING A DRINK
OR WHAT?

- NO.

narrator: THE DAY OUR NEW
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER ARRIVED,

I SMELLED HER BEFORE I SAW HER--

LILY OF THE VALLEY PERFUME,

A SCENT THAT WOULD OPEN A FLOOD
OF MEMORIES ANYTIME

I SMELLED IT FOR YEARS TO COME,

A SCENT THAT--

- [sneezes]

narrator:
I WAS DEFINITELY ALLERGIC TO.

- BONJOUR.

JE M'APPELLE MARGUERITE IRENE
DUBOIS FRECHETTE.

BUT YOU CAN CALL ME
MADAME FRECHETTE.

narrator: MADAME FRECHETTE
WAS UNLIKE ANY TEACHER

I'D EVER SEEN.

SHE WAS ENERGETIC, ALIVE.

YOU COULD TELL SHE WAS EXCITED

BY THE WAY SHE WOULD CLASP
HER HANDS TOGETHER,

CAUSING ALL OF HER JEWELRY
TO RING IN UNISON.

- JE VIENS DU QUEBEC, CANADA.

WHO WOULD LIKE TO GO TO THE MAP

TO POINT OUT WHERE QUEBEC
IS LOCATED?

OUI, MADEMOISELLE.

- I WOULD LOVE TO, MADAME.

- [sneezes]

- [speaking French]

TRES, TRES BIEN.

ET...
WHAT MIGHT YOUR NAME BE?

- JE SUIS MADEMOISELLE ROSALIE.

- AH, VOUS PARLEZ FRANCAIS.

- UN PETIT PEU.

- I BELIEVE
THAT CHILDREN WORK BEST

WHEN THEY ARE...
CONFORTABLE.

DONC TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY

TO FIND A SEAT
WHEREVER YOU WOULD LIKE.

- WHOO!

- YES!
- ALL RIGHT!

- BUT, MADAME,

WHAT ABOUT THE CLASS RANKING?

- ALL THAT MATTERS IS WHAT IS
IN MY GRADE BOOK, MADEMOISELLE.

DEPECHE-TOI.

MERCI.

- [sneezes]

- GOD BLESS YOU.

COMMENT VOUS APPELEZ VOUS?

- HUH?

- [laughs]

I ASKED YOU WHAT YOUR NAME IS.

- OH, FELIX FUNICELLO.

- AH.

BUT YOU REMIND ME OF ANOTHER
LITTLE GARCON ITALIEN,

DONC I SHALL CALL YOU
MONSIEUR DONDI.

[laughter]

- OH, CHRIST.

- [speaking French]

- ♪ HE LIKES BREAD
AND BUTTER ♪

♪ HE LIKES TOAST AND JAM ♪

- MONSIEUR DONDI.

- CREAM IT, TURDSKI.

narrator:
AT POPS' LUNCH COUNTER,

YOU COULD SWIVEL YOUR STOOL

AND FOLLOW THE ARC
OF OUR COUSIN'S CAREER.

FROM MOUSEKETEER
TO RECENT FILMS

LIKE BEACH BLANKET BINGO,

HER STAR ASCENDED
AS HER CUP SIZE WORKED ITS WAY

THROUGH THE ALPHABET.

- [speaking French]

JE SUIS...

GETTING VERY, VERY DIZZY.

- WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE SPEAKING
THERE, LIX?

PIG LATIN?

- UM, IT HAPPENS TO BE FRENCH.

OUR NEW TEACHER'S MAKING US
LEARN IT.

- WOW, OOH LA LA.

YOUR OLD LADY SAYS
I GOT TO FEED YOU.

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?
FRENCH TOAST?

I GOT A NICE BOTTLE
OF FRENCH DRESSING.

- THAT WAS SO FUNNY,
I FORGOT TO LAUGH.

- [laughs]

ALL RIGHT, PEPE LE PEW,

HOW ABOUT I FIND YOU A LITTLE
CHICKY BOOM BOOM?

SHE CAN TEACH YOU
HOW TO FRENCH KISS.

- FRENCH KISS?

narrator: THAT'S CHINO,

HIGH-SCHOOL DROPOUT AND
MY ADULT FIGURE FOR THE NIGHT.

- IT'S WHEN THE BOY AND THE GIRL
PUT THEIR TONGUES

IN EACH OTHER'S MOUTHS.

- YICK.

- DON'T KNOCK IT
TILL YOU TRY IT.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT WILL IT BE?

- A SAL'S TORPEDO
AND A COKE.

- NO FRIES?

THEY'RE FRENCH.

- I'LL GET THEM MYSELF.

- OH, OKAY, HOTSHOT.

WHY DON'T YOU PUT SOME TUNES ON
WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

[upbeat music]

- SHE'S PLAYING ON THE JUKE NOW?

THIS PLACE HAS FUNICELLO FEVER.

- UM, SHE HAPPENS
TO BE OUR COUSIN.

- HEY, PAL, IS THIS A KID,

OR DID A MUNCHKIN WANDER OFF
THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD?

- OH, LET'S JUST SAY
HE'S STILL A LITTLE SORE

ABOUT THAT DEAD WITCH
IN HIS BACKYARD.

OH, YEAH, I GOT A GOOD ONE
FOR YOU GUYS.

HOW IS A WOMAN LIKE AN OVEN?

- HOW?

- WELL, YOU GOT
TO HEAT THEM BOTH UP

BEFORE YOU STICK
IN THE MEATLOAF.

[both laughing]

- SO LONG, FELLAS.

COME ON.

DON'T LET THOSE SQUIDS
BOTHER YOU.

THEY'RE JUST A COUPLE
OF SCREWBALLS.

- IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE.

- OH, THAT HURTS,
REALLY.

HOLD THE FLOOR FOR ME
FOR A SECOND, WILL YOU?

I GOT TO PEE.

[fryer sizzling]

- HI, HONEY.

WHAT'S WRONG?

- DO YOU KNOW
WHAT TIME IT IS?

- WE STOPPED TO GET
MOM'S HAIR STYLED

AFTER WE WENT SHOPPING.

- YEAH, I MEAN,
DOESN'T SHE LOOK GREAT?

SHE PRACTICALLY LOOKS
TEN YEARS YOUNGER.

I MEAN, CHECK OUT HER NEW SKORT.

- HER WHAT?

- HER SKORT.
IT'S REAL MODERN.

- THE GIRLS THOUGHT
I NEEDED A MAKEOVER

TO CHAPERONE YOU ON
YOUR RANGER ANDY TRIP.

- WHY DO YOUR LEGS LOOK
LIKE BLUE CHEESE?

- I TOLD YOU IT WAS TOO SHORT.

- NO, IT ISN'T.

OKAY, FELIX IS JUST
BEING A LITTLE JERK.

- YEAH, AS USUAL.

- I'M THE ONE WHO ALMOST GOT
KILLED TODAY.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
FELIX?

- BOILED IN OIL.

- COOL IT, DONDI.

IT WAS A LITTLE ACCIDENT.

- A LITTLE ACCIDENT?

- FELIX, WHAT HAPPENED?

- I FRIED MY TIE.

[laughter]

- STOP.
YOU'RE FINE.

narrator: THE GUILT OF DEFILING
MY COUSIN'S POSTER

HAD EATEN AWAY AT ME ALL WEEK,

SO THAT BY THE TIME FRIDAY
CONFESSION CAME AROUND,

I WAS READY TO CRACK.

[clock ticking]

- [loudspeaker clicks]

- FIFTH GRADE CLASS MAY NOW PASS
FOR CONFESSION.

- [speaking French]

ALLEZ.

- LINE UP!

TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT
AND ZIP UP YOUR FLY.

DETENTION AFTER SCHOOL.

ROSALIE.

GERALDINE, YOUR SWEATER.

- YOU LOOK LIKE A BASSET HOUND.

OW.

- HEY, NO CUTS, NO BUTTS,
NO COCONUTS.

- SORRY, I JUST REALLY HAVE
TO GET UP THERE.

- WELL, WAIT TILL NAACP HEARS
ABOUT THIS.

narrator: MARION WAS ALWAYS
MAKING THAT JOKE.

- [claps]

narrator: HE'S A BOY,
IN CASE YOU COULDN'T TELL,

EVEN THOUGH MARION'S
A GIRL'S NAME,

WHICH IS WORSE THAN HAVING
EVERYONE CALL YOU DONDI,

IF YOU ASK ME.

- [whispering]
FELIX FUNICELLO,

LEFT BOX.

narrator: CONFESSION WAS,
AS MY POP WOULD ALWAYS SAY,

"A CRAPSHOOT."

- GET THE LEAD OUT.

narrator: YOU'D NEVER KNEW WHICH
PRIEST YOU'D END UP GETTING,

WHICH SEEMED LIKE
AN ACCURATE COMPARISON

SINCE MY LUCK WAS ALWAYS CRAPPY.

MONSIGNOR MULDOON,

HE WAS ROUGHLY 500 YEARS OLD

AND MADE UP OF EQUAL PARTS
PHINEAS T. BLUSTER,

CRABBY APPLETON,
AND MR. MAGOO.

HE ALWAYS SMELLED
LIKE BUTTER RUM CANDY,

WHICH, IF YOU LISTENED
TO SIMONE,

WAS TO COVER UP A FEW TOO MANY
SIPS OF THE COMMUNION WINE.

- BLESS ME, FATHER,
FOR I HAVE SINNED.

IT HAS BEEN TWO WEEKS
SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION.

- SPEAK UP, BOY,
YOU'RE MUMBLING.

narrator:
WELL, OF COURSE I WAS.

I DIDN'T WANT
ANY OF MY CLASSMATES

TO HEAR WHAT I HAD TO SAY.

- IT HAS BEEN TWO WEEKS
SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION.

THESE ARE MY SINS:

I COPIED A FRIEND'S HOMEWORK
ON THE BUS,

I CALLED MY SISTER A BAD WORD
TWO TIMES,

AND I CURSED
ON SIX SEPARATE OCCASIONS,

BUT NOT THE REALLY BAD ONES,

JUST A COUPLE "H"s, "D"s,
AND "S"s.

AND FINALLY,

I HAD IMPURE THOUGHTS.

- ABOUT WHAT?

- YOU KNOW...

- NO, I DON'T KNOW
UNLESS YOU TELL ME.

- ABOUT MY COUSIN ANNETTE.

SHE'S FAMOUS.

- DID YOU ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS?

- I'M NOT SURE.

- WELL, YOU EITHER DID,
OR YOU DIDN'T.

- I KISSED HER POSTER
ON THE LIPS,

THE ONE OF HER ON THE BEACH IN
HER BATHING SUIT LISTENING TO--

- INCEST IS A MORTAL SIN.

YOU MADE JESUS
VERY, VERY, VERY SAD.

PERHAPS HE EVEN WEPT,

AS HE DID ON THE DAY
OF HIS CRUCIFIXION.

narrator:
I KNEW I WAS IN FOR IT NOW.

- TO ABSOLVE YOURSELF
OF THESE SINS,

YOU MUST SAY
ONE COMPLETE ROSARY.

- THE ENTIRE THING?

- THE ENTIRE...

THING.

[candy crunches]

- [claps]

[stirring orchestral music]

♪ ♪

- I HAVE A VERY EXCITING
ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

TODAY WE WELCOME
A NOUVEL ETUDIANT,

A NEW STUDENT.

SHE HAS COME ALL THE WAY
FROM THE SOVIET UNION--

EVENIJA VLADIMIROVNA KABOKOVA,

OR AS SHE PREFERS TO BE CALLED
FOR SHORT,

ZHENYA.

COME IN, MADEMOISELLE.

THANK YOU, SISTER.

- HELLO, CLASSMATES.

I AM VERY, VERY, VERY HAPPY

TO MEET YOUR ACQUAINTANCE.

HELLO.

HELLO.

[laughter]

narrator:
THINGS HAD MOST DEFINITELY

GOTTEN MORE INTERESTING.

- COME IN.

DOES ANYONE HAVE A QUESTION
FOR OUR NEW STUDENT?

YES, ROSALIE?

- ARE YOU A COMMUNIST?

- ♪ TO THE GIRL
WITH A BOW IN HER HAIR ♪

♪ OOH ♪

narrator: ZHENYA KABOKOVA

HAD THE KIND OF FRENZIED SMILE
USUALLY RESERVED

FOR GAME SHOW HOSTS

AND WAS THE STRANGEST GIRL
WE'D EVER MET.

EACH DAY BEFORE SCHOOL,

HER FATHER WOULD WALK HER TO THE
ENTRANCE SINGING THE SAME SONG.

AND BEFORE HE'D LEAVE,

HE'D FINISH THE RITUAL BY GIVING
HER A KICK TO THE REAR END,

WHICH SHE'D PRETEND TO BE
SURPRISED BY

EVERY SINGLE TIME.

SHE ALSO HAD THIS BIZARRE,
TANGY ODOR TO HER,

WHICH WE LATER FOUND OUT

WAS BECAUSE SHE WOULD CONDITION
HER HAIR WITH MAYONNAISE,

AS APPARENTLY DID--

- MANY, MANY GIRLS
IN SOVIET UNION.

narrator:
THEN THERE WAS THE FISH.

DAY AFTER DAY,

SHE'D EAT THE EXACT SAME THING
FOR LUNCH.

- ♪ AND I WISHED IN MY HEART ♪

♪ SHE COULD CARE ♪

narrator: ALONG WITH
THE MAYONNAISE HAIR,

SHE RETURNED TO CLASS SMELLING
LIKE A TUNA SANDWICH.

- ♪ GIVEN MY RING ♪

♪ TO THE GIRL WITH A BOW
IN HER HAIR ♪

- HEY, GUYS.

[whoopee cushion trills]

[laughter]

- TOO EASY.

- DROP IT.

DETENTION, MR. FLOOD.

- YES, SISTER.

- FELIX FUNICELLO.

- YES, SISTER?

- MOTHER FILOMENA WANTS
TO SEE YOU IN HER OFFICE.

COME ALONG.

- SIT THERE.

- FELIX?

FELIX.

- [clears throat]

- YOU MAY HAVE A SEAT.

MONSIGNOR MULDOON
HAS BROUGHT YOU A GIFT.

WASN'T THAT NICE OF HIM?

- HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE
LIFE OF THIS SCHOOL'S NAMESAKE?

- NOT A LOT, MONSIGNOR.

- WELL...

I WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS.

AND YOU MIGHT FIND IT
VERY INSPIRATIONAL...

[whispers] AFTER WHAT
WE TALKED ABOUT EARLIER.

AND YOU MIGHT FIND
THAT THIS BOY...

COULD BE THE PERFECT...

EXAMPLE...

FOR YOU

TO EMULATE.

- OH, YEAH?

- OH, YES, MONSIGNOR.

- OH, YES, MONSIGNOR?

- ISN'T THERE SOMETHING ELSE
THAT YOU'D LIKE TO SAY, FELIX?

NOTHING?

FELIX.

- OH, YEAH.
THANK YOU, MONSIGNOR.

- YOU'RE WELCOME, SON.

- CAN I GO NOW?

- MAY I GO NOW,
AND YES.

YOU MAY.

- READ THE BOOK.

- HE'S REALLY A VERY SWEET BOY.

I THOUGHT YOU HANDLED THAT WELL.

- YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING.

- PSST.

FELIX.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- WHAT'D YOU HAVE TO GO
TO THE OFFICE FOR?

narrator: I QUICKLY THOUGHT,

"WHAT WOULD MAKE HER GO
COMPLETELY APE?"

- I'M GETTING A TOP SECRET
BIG AWARD.

- FOR WHAT?

- YOU WRITING A BOOK?
MAKE THAT CHAPTER A MYSTERY.

- I'D RATHER WRITE
A MONSTER STORY

ABOUT AN UGLY DWARF NAMED DONDI.

- YOU WANT TO BORROW MY COMB
SO YOU CAN BRUSH YOUR LEG HAIR?

- GO EAT A HAIRY BIRD.

- MADEMOISELLE!

- HE STARTED IT!

- WELL, I ONLY HEARD YOU,
NOT MONSIEUR.

GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT.

- [sighs]

- IT SAYS HERE
HE AVOIDED FEMALES,

INCLUDING HIS OWN MOTHER,

AND PUT WOOD IN HIS BED
EVERY NIGHT

TO DISTRACT HIMSELF
FROM TEMPTATIONS OF THE FLESH.

- I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE LIKE HIM.

HE BATHED LEPERS AND CARRIED
AWAY THEIR SLOP PAILS.

- THEIR SLOP?

OH, MAN.

HEY.

WHAT'D YOU SAY
TO MONSIGNOR MULDOON

TO MAKE HIM GIVE YOU THIS
ANYWAYS?

- WELL...

- HEY, LONNY.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE.

YOU GONNA HAVE DINNER
WITH US?

- ACTUALLY, MOM,
CAN HE STAY THE NIGHT?

- SURE, AS LONG AS IT'S OKAY
WITH HIS MOM.

- IT SURE IS, MRS. FUNICELLO.

MY OLD LADY SAYS YOU CAN KEEP ME
AS LONG AS YOU WANTED--

FOREVER,
AS FAR AS SHE'S CONCERNED.

- WELL, I'M SURE
SHE WAS JUST JOKING.

BUT I WANT YOU BOYS IN BED
BY 10:00.

- COME ON, MA.

- WELL, COME ON, FELIX.

YOU GOT TO GO TO CHURCH
IN THE MORNING.

- BUT THAT'S NO FAIR.

HOW COME POP NEVER HAS TO GO
TO CHURCH?

- DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU
POP HAS A BUSINESS,

AND THAT BUSINESS PUTS FOOD
ON THE TABLE?

- BUT, MA.

- COME ON.

YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF
IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIEND.

- I AIN'T EMBARRASSED,
MRS. FUNICELLO.

WE FIGHT IN MY HOUSE
ALL THE TIME.

- THAT'S VERY POLITE OF YOU,
LONNY,

BUT WE WEREN'T FIGHTING.

WE WERE HAVING A DISAGREEMENT.

- WHAT IF WE GO
TO THE LATER MASS?

- FINE.

MIDNIGHT.

WHEN I SAY, "LIGHTS OUT,"
IT'S LIGHTS OUT.

- OKAY, FINE.

- SWEAR ON A STACK OF BIBLES,
MRS. FUNICELLO.

- HEY, TOOTSIE CAKE.

LOOK WHAT I GOT.

- WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S A TREE.

- NO, IT'S NOT.
IT'S A CARDBOARD BOX.

- AH, IT'S A COLOR WHEEL TREE.

I THOUGHT WE'D DO SOMETHING
REAL SPECIAL THIS YEAR.

RIGHT, FELIX?
- RIGHT, POP.

- HEY, LONNY.

- ♪ LA ♪

narrator: ALUMINUM OR REAL,

THE TREE WAS THE FIRST
OFFICIAL SIGN

THAT CHRISTMAS
WAS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

- YOU KNOW, IT'S GONNA LOOK
PRETTY GOOD

ONCE YOU GET THE COLOR WHEEL
GOING.

- WE CAN DO BETTER
THAN PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH, BY THE RED REINDEER.

- ♪ WA ♪

[Christmas fanfare]

narrator: POP WAS ALWAYS BIG

ON HAVING THE RIGHT BALANCE
OF BELLS TO LIGHTS TO TINSEL.

BUT THAT YEAR,
HE TOOK EXTRA CARE

IN MAKING SURE
EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT.

- PUT THAT...

THERE.
YEAH.

WE LET THEM KNOW WHO'S SHARP
DURING THE HOLIDAYS, HUH?

- HEY, COME GET ME.

- OKAY, TURDSKI.

KNUCKLE SANDWICH.
- HEY.

I ALMOST FORGOT.

- YEAH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- OH, THAT'S MINE.
WHERE'D YOU GET IT?

- LET'S JUST SAY I'M ROBIN HOOD.

I STEAL FROM THE RICH
AND GIVE TO THE POOR.

- WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
I'M POOR, WISE GUY?

- [sighs]

HEY, ALL I WAS SAYING WAS THAT
THE TEACHERS ARE THE BAD GUYS,

AND WE'RE THE GOOD GUYS.

- OKAY.

COME ON.

[laughs]

YOUR POP'S REAL OLD,
ISN'T HE?

- I GUESS SO--

OLDER THAN MY MA IS.

- DID THEY HAVE TO GET MARRIED?

- I'M GUESSING THEY WANTED TO.
WHY?

- I'M JUST WONDERING.

MY OLD MAN HAD
TO MARRY MY OLD LADY

SINCE MY BROTHER
WAS ALREADY IN THE OVEN.

- HOW'S A WOMAN LIKE AN OVEN?

- HOW?

- 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO HEAT THEM
BOTH UP

BEFORE YOU STICK
IN THE MEATLOAF.

- [laughs]

YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE LUCKY, FELIX.

YOUR OLD MAN'S REAL NEAT.

MINE'S OUT OF TOWN ALL THE TIME
FOR WORK,

AND I NEVER GET TO SEE HIM.

narrator: LONNY'S POP
WAS ACTUALLY IN PRISON,

BUT HE DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW
I KNEW THAT.

- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I AM LUCKY.

WELL, I'M GETTING SLEEPY.

GOOD NIGHT.

- NIGHT, DINGLE BERRY.

- I'M RUBBER,
AND YOU'RE GLUE.

WHAT EVER YOU SAY
BOUNCES OFF OF ME

AND STICKS TO YOU.

- YOU SURE ARE RUBBER,
ALL RIGHT...

FOR A TEENY WEENY TOOTSIE ROLL.

- I KNOW YOU ARE,
BUT WHAT AM I?

THE GATE'S CLOSED,
NO BACKSIES.

narrator:
IF SLEEPING ON WOOD

MADE ST. ALOYSIUS
A BETTER PERSON...

- [whispers]
LONNY.

narrator: I WAS WILLING
TO GIVE IT A TRY.

- OW.

DON'T ASK.

narrator: MA AND FRANCES HAD
GONE TO THE DINER AFTER MASS

TO HELP POP,

LEAVING SIMONE IN CHARGE TO MAKE
SURE WE MADE IT TO CHURCH.

- WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS
IN YOUR HAIR, SIMONE?

- THEY'RE SPLAYS.

I'M IN A MODELING SHOW
AT G. FOX LATER TODAY.

- DON'T LET HER FOOL YOU.

THEY'RE TRANSMITTERS.
SHE'S DATING ROBBY THE ROBOT.

- EVEN IF I KNEW WHO THAT WAS,

IT STILL WOULDN'T BE FUNNY.

narrator: LONNY DIDN'T
TAKE HIS EYES OFF SIMONE.

HE JUST KEPT SWALLOWING
LIKE HE WAS THIRSTY.

- LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT.

- SHE CAN GET IT.

- THANK YOU.

- SIT DOWN BEFORE THESE
DELICIOUS PANCAKES GET COLD.

- OKAY.

[whoopee cushion trills]

[laughter]

- OH! OH!
- GOT YOU!

- THAT IS NOT FUNNY!

I TOLD YOU
I WOULD GET YOU NEXT TIME.

OH.

narrator:
WE DIDN'T SEE SIMONE AGAIN

FOR THE REST OF THE MORNING,

SO WE WERE LEFT TO FIND
OUR OWN WAY TO CHURCH.

- WE SHOULD DITCH CHURCH
AND GO TO THE MOVIES INSTEAD.

- NO WAY.

- IT'S ALL THE SAME.

JESUS--GOOD,
SATAN--BAD,

NEVER ANY FUN.

- BUT I PROMISED MA.

- OH, WELL,
OKAY THEN, ROSALIE.

- HEY, CUT IT OUT.

- I'M SORRY, I JUST GET

ALL THE LITTLE GOODY TWO-SHOE
GIRLS MIXED UP.

narrator: IF HE THOUGHT
HE COULD GET ME

TO WATCH A STUPID MOVIE

JUST BY CALLING ME A GIRL,

HE WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

NOW, I HAD NEVER
ACTUALLY SEEN A HORROR MOVIE

IN A THEATER BEFORE,

SINCE MY MOTHER WAS ADAMANT
THAT THEY'D GIVE ME NIGHTMARES.

BUT I FIGURED,
WHAT DOES SHE KNOW?

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

- [chuckles]

OH, MAN,
THAT HEAD LOOKED SO FAKE.

- YEAH.

narrator: A MILLION SCENARIOS
RACED THROUGH MY HEAD

EVERY TIME I HEARD A NOISE
THAT NIGHT.

I KNEW IT WAS BETTE DAVIS.

SHE WAS COMING FOR MY HEAD.

OR JUST ONE OF MY SISTERS
USING THE BATHROOM.

LONNY WAS RIGHT.

THAT STUPID HEAD DID LOOK
PRETTY FAKE.

WHAT WAS I SO SCARED OF?

[ominous music]

- [screams]

[all giggling]

- SHE IS SO GROSS.
HOW DOES SHE EAT THAT?

- COME ON, FELIX.

- WHAT--WHERE ARE WE GOING?

- HELLO, CLASSMATES.

- MIND IF US GENTLEMEN JOIN YOU?

- IT IS STILL FREE COUNTRY.

- YOU LOOK OLDER
THAN MOST OF THE GIRLS.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

- 17.

WE HAVE DIFFERENT SCHOOL
WHERE I'M FROM.

- YEAH, I'M OLDER TOO--
12.

- YOU FROM OTHER SCHOOL TOO?

- NO, JUST DUMB, I GUESS.

- [laughs]
SILLY BOY.

- YOUR ACCENT SURE IS FUNNY.

- I NO HAVE ACCENT.
YOUR ACCENT FUNNY.

- SAY, "GO BLOW SLOP
IN A PAIL."

- GO BLOW SLOPPING PAIL.

[both laugh]

- OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS GREAT.

- OKAY, LONNY,
YOUR TURN.

SAY...

[speaking Russian]

- [speaking gibberish]

WHAT'D I SAY?
TELL ME WHAT I SAID.

- YOU ESK FEEL, SO YOU GO TO
HEADMISTRESS OFFICE TODAY.

- YO-DIS?
WHAT THE HECK IS "YO-DIS"?

- SOFT PLACE.

- OW.

- MY "ESK."

[both laughing]

- I PITCHER TODAY.
OKAY, FELLAS?

- I PICK ZHENYA.

- I GOOD BASEBALL PLAYER,
EH, FELIX?

BETTER THAN MICKEY MOUSE, DA?

- MICKEY MOUSE.

- HE GOOD BASEBALL PLAYER.

- I SUPPOSE SO
FOR A CARTOON.

NYET, FELIX FUNICELLO.

NO CARTOON.

HE PLAY WITH YANKEES
IN NEW YORK.

- IT'S MICKEY MANTLE, STUPID.

- YOU'RE RIGHT, LONNY.

CARTOON MOUSE STILL BETTER
THAN YOU THOUGH.

narrator: IT WAS THE FIRST TIME

LONNY HAD BEEN ON THE RECEIVING
END OF AN INSULT,

AND HE KIND OF LIKED IT.

- TABLEAU VIVANT.

WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT THIS MEANS?

YES?

- UH, A TABLECLOTH?

- NO, LONNY.

ANYONE ELSE?

OKAY.

GET READY.

IT MEANS
"LIVING PICTURE."

- MADAME, YOU CRAZY.
PICTURE DO NOT LIVE.

THAT'S WHY IT IS CALLED PICTURE.

- OUI, OUI, ZHENYA.

I TALKED TO MOTHER FILOMENA,

AND AFTER LEARNING
OF MY EXTENSIVE EXPERIENCE

IN THE OTHER LESSON,

SHE HAS AGREED TO LET
THE FIFTH GRADE CLASS PERFORM

A SERIES OF TABLEU FOR THE
CHRISTMAS PAGEANT THIS YEAR.

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- IT MEANS YOU WILL BE THE STARS
OF THE SHOW.

narrator: BETWEEN MY FAMOUS
FAMILY LINEAGE

AND MY UPCOMING
RAER ANDY APPEARCE,

MADAME MUST HAVE KNOWN I WAS
ALREADY A STAR IN THE MAKING.

- THERE WILL BE FOUR SCENES,

EACH ONE PRESENTED BETWEEN THE
OTHER CLASSES' MUSICAL NUMBERS,

ALL LEADING UP
TO THE SHOWSTOPPING FINALE

OF LA NATIVITE.

IMAGINE WHEN THE CURTAINS PART

TO REVEAL YOU
ALL STILL AS STATUES.

YOU WILL HEAR GASPS OF AWE
AND WONDER FROM THE AUDIENCE.

- LIKE I SAY,
LOONEY TUNE.

- THERE WILL BE PARTS
FOR ALL OF YOU,

FROM SHEPHERDS
TO ANGELS

TO THE HOLY FAMILY.

- WHAT ABOUT SANTA CLAUS?

- OF COURSE NOT, DUMMY.
SANTA'S NOT IN THE BIBLE.

- WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?
- YOU HEARD ME.

- WELL, WAIT TILL THE NAACP
HEARS ABOUT THIS.

- WHAT ABOUT THE BABY JESUS?

- A REAL ENFANT MIGHT
BE A PROBLEM,

BUT PERHAPS ONE OF YOU HAS A--
COMMENT DIT--

A BABY DOLL?

- TRES BIEN, JACKIE.

- THERE'S SHEEP AT THE FARM
THAT WE COULD USE.

- YEAH, THEY'RE REAL
WELL-BEHAVED AND EVERYTHING.

narrator: AND RIGHT ON CUE...

- I WOULD VOLUNTEER TO PLAY
THE BLESSED VIRGIN MARY.

- OKAY, HANDS DOWN.

CLASS, SETTLE DOWN.

THERE WILL BE NO CASTING
DECISIONS MADE JUST YET.

AND MOVING ON FROM OUR TABLEAU,

I WILL BE VISITING MY FAMILY
IN QUEBEC LATER THIS WEEK.

AND YOU WILL HAVE A...

REMPLACEMENT--

A REPLACEMENT.

OUI, FRANZ?

- AREN'T YOU ALREADY
THE REPLACEMENT?

- D'ACCORD.

YOU SHALL HAVE A REMPLACEMENT
FOR YOUR REMPLACEMENT.

- WHO WILL IT BE?

- I BELIEVE THAT SISTER
AGRIPPINA'S AGREED TO STEP IN.

[all sighing]

- WHAT IS A AGRIPPINA?

narrator: SURE ENOUGH,
LATER THAT WEEK,

WE WERE BACK IN THE CLUTCHES
OF THE ENFORCER.

- TAKE OUT YOUR ARITHMETIC BOOKS
AND A SHEET OF PAPER.

COMPLETE PROBLEMS
ONE THROUGH TEN ON PAGE 52.

narrator: I HAD SEEN THAT LOOK
ON HER FACE BEFORE.

IT SAID, "TRY ANYTHING,

AND THE PAIN I INFLICT IN RETURN
WILL MAKE YOU PRAY YOU HADN'T."

ALL OF US KNEW BETTER
THAN TO CROSS HER...

ALMOST ALL OF US.

- YOUNG LADY,
WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

I DON'T SPEAK SIGN LANGUAGE.

- PENCIL SHARPENER.

- I DON'T REMEMBER
YOU RAISING YOUR HAND

AND ASKING FOR PERMISSION.

- NO PERMISSION.

WHY IS BIG DEAL
YOU MAKING OF THIS?

- YOU ARE BEING OPENLY DEFIANT,

AND THAT IS TOTALLY
UNACCEPTABLE.

- WHY YOU NO
GO BLOW SLOP IN PAIL?

[all gasping]

- [slaps]

narrator: WOW.

YOU'D THINK A STUNT LIKE THAT

WOULD HAVE GOTTEN ZHENYA
KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL FOR GOOD,

BUT MADAME WAS QUICK TO JUMP
TO HER DEFENSE

WHEN SHE RETURNED.

- SISTER AGRIPPINA HAS BEEN
TRANSFERRED FROM ST. ALOYSIUS

FOR GOOD.

- [exhales sharply]

I MYSELF KNOW THE CONFUSION
OF BEING IN A NOUVELLE CULTURE.

- NO NEED FOR FRENCH HERE,
MRS. FRECHETTE.

WE'RE ALL AWARE THAT YOU ARE
FROM MONTREAL.

- QUEBEC CITY, ACTUALLY.

- EVEN WORSE.

- [sighs]

PLEASE, PLEASE,

GIVE MISS ZHENYA ONE MORE SHOT.

I ASSURE YOU,
JUST TO--

COMMENT DIT?

MISUNDERSTANDING.

- SHE IS YOUR STUDENT,

FOR THE TIME BEING, AT LEAST.

SO I SHALL LEAVE IT
IN YOUR HANDS.

MAY GOD HELP US ALL.

- ATTENTION, CLASS.

MADEMOISELLE ROSALIE WOULD LIKE

TO PRESENT HER EXTRA CREDIT
PROJECT FOR THE CLASS.

MADEMOISELLE?

- "RUSSIANS,

AND ARE THEY A THREAT
TO AMERICA?"

BY ROSALIE TWERSKI.

FIRST OF ALL,

RUSSIANS ARE ATHEISTS
AND DO NOT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS.

SECOND OF ALL--

- WHAT SHE TALK ABOUT?

WE GO TO RUSSIAN ORTHODOX CHURCH
IN USA.

WE LOVE CHRISTMAS.

narrator: ZHENYA KNEW EXACTLY
HOW TO FIRE BACK AT ROSALIE,

AND THE COMPETITION
WAS OFFICIALLY ON.

- AND THIRD,

RUSSIAN SPIES CONTINUE
TO INFILTRATE THE UNITED STATES

TO STEAL THE SECRET
OF THE ATOM BOMB.

- BLESSED ART THOU
AMONGST WOMEN,

AND BLESSED IS FRUIT
OF THY WOMB.

- ZHENYA...

[speaking Russian]

[sighs]

narrator:
AS THE PAGEANT APPROACHED,

BOTH GIRLS BEGAN DROPPING
SUBTLE HINTS

ABOUT WHO DESERVED THE ROLE
OF THE BLESSED VIRGIN.

- BONJOUR, MADAME FRECHETTE.

- BONJOUR, ROSALIE.

- HI.

HEY, ROSALIE,
WHAT ARE YOU, SLOW?

THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
ON YOUR NECK.

- I HAPPEN TO HAVE A HEAD COLD.
[coughs]

MY CURRENT EVENT IS AN ARTICLE
I FOUND IN THE HARTFORD TIMES

ABOUT AN EXPERIMENTAL PROGRAM
CALLED SUBSCRIPTION TELEVISION.

IT'S ABOUT HOW PEOPLE WILL PAY
TO HAVE CHANNELS

THEY DON'T NORMALLY GET
ON THEIR TVs.

YES, FELIX?

- WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT?

IT'S LIKE PAYING FOR WATER

WHEN IT COMES OUT OF THE SINK
FOR FREE.

- I DON'T KNOW.

IT DOESN'T GET INTO PACIFICS,
OKAY?

DOES ANYBODY ELSE HAVE
ANY GOOD QUESTIONS?

- TRES BIEN, ROSALIE.

YOU MAY TAKE YOUR SEAT.

[sighs]

YOUR TURN, FELIX.

- MY CURRENT EVENT IS ME,

FELIX FUNICELLO.

AT THE END OF THE WEEK,

I'LL BE TAKING A BUS TO HARTFORD

WITH THE OTHER MIDSHIPMEN

TO APPEAR ON
THE RANGER ANDY SHOW.

- OH, LIVE TELEVISION.

HOW EXCITING.

- YEAH, WELL,
MY COUSIN ANNETTE FUNICELLO

HAS BEEN ON TV, LIKE,
A BILLION TIMES,

SO IT'S KIND OF
FAMILY TRADITION.

ZHENYA?

- WHO IS THIS COUSIN YOU SAY?

THIS ANNETTE FUNICELLO?

- SHE USED TO BE A MOUSEKETEER,

BUT NOW SHE'S
A BIG-TIME MOVIE STAR.

- MOVIE STAR AT CINEMA?

WOW, FELIX.

YOUR COUSIN REAL BIG SHOT
IN THE HOLLYWOOD, DA?

- YEAH, BUT I'VE NEVER MET HER,

BUT THAT'S JUST
BECAUSE SHE'S REALLY BUSY.

YES, ROSALIE?

- I JUST WANT TO HELP OUT
OUR NEW STUDENT

BY EXPLAINING THAT IT'S
"CINEMA," NOT "CEEN-EEMA."

YOU KNOW, LIKE COMMITTING A SIN.

REPEAT AFTER ME, ZHENYA.

CIN-E-MA.

- THAT IS WHAT I SAY.

YOU BETTER SHOULD DIG WAX OUT
OF YOUR EAR WITH SHOVEL.

- [laughs]

- NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YOU SAID "CEEN-EEMA."

- MADEMOISELLE,

IF ZHENYA WOULD LIKE TO WORK
ON HER PRONUNCIATION,

I WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY
TO HELP HER AT RECESS.

- UH-UH, NYET.

DURING RECESS, I PLAY BASEBALL
WITH THE FELLAS.

- WELL, JUST KEEP
ON EMBARRASSING YOURSELF

IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, THEN.

- YOU KNOW,
THAT REMINDS ME, ROSALIE.

IT'S PRONOUNCED "SPECIFIC."

- SO?

- SO YOU PRONOUNCED IT "PACIFIC"
EARLIER.

YOU DO IT A LOT, ACTUALLY.

- I DO NOT.

- [laughs]
YEAH, YOU DO, ROSE.

- WELL, IF SHE SAYS
"PA-CIFIC,"

HOW COME I'VE NEVER HEARD IT?

AND I'M OVER HER HOUSE
ALL THE TIME.

- TRES BIEN, CHILDREN.

- REPEAT AFTER ME, ROSALIE,

"SPE-CIFIC."

- I DON'T HAVE TO REPEAT
AFTER ANYONE

BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I'M RIGHT,

SO YOU CAN JUST GO
SHUT YOUR FACE, DONDI!

- MADEMOISELLE!

THAT SORT OF OUTBURST
DESERVES A CHECK MINUS.

- I DIDN'T SAY HE HAD TO SHUT
HIS FACE, MADAME.

I SAID HE COULD IF HE WANTED TO.

- PLEASE FINISH, MONSIEUR.

- ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?

- WHEN YOU GO ON TV,

AREN'T YOU AFRAID
YOU'RE GONNA BREAK THE CAMERA

BECAUSE YOU'RE SO UGLY?

- THAT IS ENOUGH!

[bell rings]

[scoffs,
speaks French]

OH, HURRY BACK AFTER RECESS.

I SHALL REVEAL
ALL OF THE CASTING DECISIONS

FOR THE TABLEAU.

- SHE CAN'T PLAY
THE VIRGIN MARY.

I MEAN, SHE HAS AN ACCENT.

- BUT NOBODY HAS
TO SAY ANYTHING.

- SO?

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO
WITH IT?

- WHAT IS SHE EVEN DOING
IN THIS COUNTRY?

- I BET HER PARENTS
ARE COMMUNIST SPIES.

- FELIX.

YOU'LL BE ON MY TEAM TODAY?

- CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

- SURE.

WE ARE FRIENDS, FELIX FUNICELLO.

YOU ASK ME ANYTHING.

- WHY'D YOUR FAMILY
LEAVE RUSSIA?

- WE LEAVE.

- SO YOU'RE NOT SPIES?

- WHO SAY THAT?

- ROSALIE.

- ROSALIE NOTHING BUT...
BLYAD.

- WHAT'S THAT?

- LIKE, UM,

PROSTITUTE--

YOU KNOW, GIRL WHO DOES
NAUGHTY THINGS WITH BOYS.

- OH, A CHICKY BOOM BOOM.

- DA,
CHICKY BOOM BOOM.

COME ON, FELIX.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.

- HI, FELLAS.
- WHO'S PLAYING?

WANT TO PLAY KNOCKOUT?

- LIKE BOXING?
I GOOD AT THAT.

- IT'S BASKETBALL.

- NYET,
NO BASKETBALL.

I LIKE BASEBALL OR DODGEBALL.

- AIN'T YOU PLAYING?
- NO, NOT TODAY.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
I CALL FIRST.

[laughter]

[whistle chirps]

[all gasp]

- ALL FIFTH GRADE GIRLS

ARE TO REPORT TO THE GYMNASIUM
IMMEDIATELY

FOR AN EMERGENCY MEETING!

AND, BOYS, I WANT YOU RUNNING
LAPS AROUND THE COURTYARD

AS PENANCE
FOR YOUR LURID BEHAVIOR!

NOW!

LADIES.

- HEY, WHAT WAS THAT MEETING
ABOUT?

- WHAT'S PENGUINS KNOW
ABOUT KISSING BOYS?

THEY SAY I GO TO HELL

FOR OPENING MYSELF FOR SIN.

- ATTENTION, CLASS.

IT'S TIME TO REVEAL THE CASTING
FOR THE TABLEAU.

BIEN, BIEN.

YOU SHOULD IMMEDIATELY
GET STARTED ON YOUR COSTUME

AND DECIDE WHICH REFRESHMENT
YOU'LL BE BRINGING

FOR THE PAGEANT AFTER-PARTY.

narrator: MADAME'S EXCITEMENT
WAS BECOMING CONTAGIOUS,

AND I COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE
WHAT STARRING ROLE

SHE HAD GIVEN ME.

- THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY?

- [laughs]

- CONGRATULATIONS, JOSEPH.

- REALLY?
WHO'S MARY?

- PAULINE PAPELBON?

MADAME, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN
SOME SORT OF MISTAKE.

- THERE ARE NO MISTAKE.

YOU'LL BE PLAYING A PIVOTAL ROLE
OF A SHEPHERDESS

ALONGSIDE ZHENYA.

- OKAY BE ME, TEACHER LADY.

- OKAY, BACK TO YOUR SEAT.

- BUT...

THIS IS NOT OVER BY A LONG SHOT.

- OH, SHUT UP, TURDSKI,
YOU LOST.

- DID YOU JUST HEAR THAT?

- YOU'LL BE SERVING DETENTION
AFTER SCHOOL FOR THAT, MONSIEUR.

[O Little Town of Bethlehem
playing]

[soft piano music]

♪ ♪

[knocking]

- MRS. FRECHETTE,

MAY WE SPEAK WITH YOU
FOR A MOMENT?

- OF COURSE.

- IT'S ABOUT THE CASTING
FOR YOUR TABLEAU.

- UH, YES, WHAT ABOUT IT?

- FIRST OF ALL,

I THINK WE CAN ALL APPRECIATE

THAT MRS. FRECHETTE
IS NEWLY ARRIVED

AND MIGHT NOT NECESSARILY KNOW
THE WORKINGS OF OUR SCHOOL YET.

- UH, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,
MOTHER FILOMENA?

- I'M SURE THAT THIS PAULINE
IS A LOVELY YOUNG LADY,

BUT IS SHE REALLY CAPABLE
OF SUCH A DEMANDING ROLE?

I MEAN, CLEARLY,
HER OVEREATING STEMS

FROM THAT MOTHER OF HERS
BEING UNSTABLE--

EMOTIONALLY, THAT IS.

- I REALLY DON'T KNOW
WHAT PAULINE'S HOME LIFE

HAS TO DO WITH ANYTHING.

SHE IS A VERY RESPECTFUL,
WELL-BEHAVED STUDENT.

- BUT SHOULDN'T THE SMARTEST

AND THE HARDEST-WORKING STUDENT
IN THE CLASS

BE THE ONE TO REPRESENT
THE BLESSED VIRGIN MARY?

- AS USUAL, TWERSKI IMPRESSIONS
WILL BE PRINTING THE PROGRAM

FREE OF CHARGE.

AND WE WERE PLANNING ON HAVING
A THREE-COLOR COVER THIS YEAR.

- DID YOU HEAR THAT,
MRS. FRECHETTE?

THREE.

MY STARS, WITH OUR BUDGET
AS TIGHT AS IT IS,

WE ARE THANKING THE LORD
AND THE HEAVENS ABOVE

FOR SUCH A GENEROUS DONATION.

- I HAPPEN TO KNOW
THAT THERE'S AN OPENING

FOR A FULL-TIME SUBSTITUTE

AFTER WHAT HAPPENED
WITH SISTER AGRIPPINA

AND THAT AWFUL RUSSIAN GIRL.

- PLEASE, MADAME?
PLEASE?

- FINISHED.

- OH, BIEN, FELIX.

YOU MAY GO.

- CAN I SAY SOMETHING FIRST?

- THIS IS A PRIVATE MEETING.
- [shushes]

WHAT IS IT, FELIX?

- I JUST WANTED TO SAY--

I JUST WANTED TO SAY
THAT MADAME FRECHETTE,

AS A TEACHER,
IS JUST TOPS.

TRES MAGNIFIQUE.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO WIPE DOWN
THE BOARD FOR YOU, MADAME?

- YES, THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL,
FELIX.

MERCI.

[sighs]

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

I REALLY DON'T HAVE THE HEART TO
TAKE THE ROLE AWAY FROM PAULINE,

BUT IF ROSALIE WISHES
TO PLAY A KING,

I'M SURE THAT NONE OF THE BOYS
WOULD MIND SWITCHING THEIR PART.

- I THINK THAT'S
A VERY GOOD COMPROMISE.

- SO WHAT DO YOU SAY,
MADEMOISELLE?

WHICH GIFT WOULD YOU LIKE
TO BRING?

GOLD, FRANKINCENSE, OR MYRRH?

- WHAT THE HEY, HONEY?
GO FOR THE GOLD.

- FINE.

- WELL, THIS HAS BEEN
A VERY SUCCESSFUL MEETING.

- THANKS A LOT, MRS. FRECHETTE.

OUR LITTLE PRINCESS
REALLY APPRECIATES IT.

DON'T YOU, SWEETIE?

- YES, THANK YOU,
MADAME FRECHETTE.

- [sighs]

MONSIEUR DONDI.

narrator: I'LL NEVER BE SURE,

BUT I COULD SWEAR IT LOOKED
LIKE SHE WAS HOLDING BACK TEARS.

MERCI.

- [sneezes]

SO ROSALIE ENDED UP COMPLAINING
HER WAY UP

FROM A SHEPHERDESS
TO ONE OF THE THREE KINGS.

- HOLD ONE TO THE SIDE.

- IS THIS THE TWERSKI GIRL?

- THE RAT FINK HERSELF.

- I THINK IT'S CUTE
THAT YOU GUYS

ARE ALWAYS PICKING
ON EACH OTHER BACK AND FORTH.

- THERE'S NOTHING CUTE
ABOUT ROSALIE TURDSKI.

- FELIX, DON'T BE STUPID.
SHE CLEARLY LIKES YOU--

LIKE LIKES YOU.

- EW, GROSS.
NO, SHE DOESN'T.

- WHEN I WAS IN THE FIFTH GRADE,

IF A GIRL REALLY LIKED A GUY,

SHE'D MAKE HIS LIFE
A LIVING HELL.

[both giggling]

- [speaking French]

- MADAME, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M MAKING ROOM FOR
ALL THE WONDERFUL DECORATION.

- BUT I WORKED HARD ON THOSE.

- JUST FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

[sighs]

OURS WILL BE THE BEST-DRESSED
ROOM IN THE ENTIRE SCHOOL.

narrator: IF YOU ASK ME,

MADAME WAS NONE TOO PLEASED

WITH ROSALIE GOING
BEHIND HER BACK

AFTER THEIR MEETING

AND FINAGLING A WAY TO STILL BE
THE STAR OF THE PAGEANT.

- THIS IS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL,
ROSALIE.

- I COULD JUST FEEL
OUR LORD'S ENERGY

WORKING THROUGH MY HANDS
AS I WROTE IT.

- OH, MY.

- I CALL IT, JESUS IS
THE REASON FOR THE SEASON.

CAN I PERFORM IT AT THE PAGEANT?

I WILL, OF COURSE,
PLAY THE BEAUTIFUL NARRATOR.

- THE NARRATOR--

I WILL SPEAK WITH MRS. FRECHETTE
ABOUT THIS.

- AND BEFORE EVERYONE LEAVE
FOR THE DAY...

[sighs]

I WOULD LIKE FOR US ALL
TO WISH FELIX GOOD LUCK

ON HIS TELEVISION APPEARANCE
TOMORROW.

I KNOW WE WILL ALL BE WATCHING.

narrator: WITH ALL
THAT PAGEANT EXCITEMENT,

I'D ALMOST COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN
ABOUT RANGER ANDY.

IN HONOR OF MY BIG DEBUT,

POP LUGGED OUR TELEVISION SET
DOWN TO THE DINER

AND SPREAD THE WORD
TO ALL THE REGULARS

THAT HE'D HAVE FREE PIE
AND COFFEE

FOR THE RANGER ANDY BROADCAST.

- MAKE US PROUD, LIX.

DON'T DO ANYTHING I WOULDN'T DO.

- YEAH, DON'T CHOKE
WHEN YOU GET UP THERE.

- CHOKE ON WHAT?

- SHE MEANS DON'T FREEZE UP.

- HE'S GONNA DO JUST FINE.

AREN'T YOU, FELIX?

narrator: THAT NIGHT,
I WAS A BUNDLE OF NERVES.

WHAT IF I DID CHOKE
ON LIVE TELEVISION?

I'D BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK
OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL,

ESPECIALLY TO ROSALIE TWERSKI.

NO, EVERYTHING
WAS GONNA BE FINE.

EVERYTHING WAS GONNA BE JUST...

[ominous music]

- [whispers]
POP.

POP.

- FELIX, WHAT'S WRONG?

- I'M THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN.

- ABOUT WHAT?

- THE HEAD.

- [sighs]

FELIX,
I TOLD YOU.

IT'S JUST YOUR IMAGINATION.

NOW GO BACK TO SLEEP
BEFORE YOU WAKE YOUR MOTHER.

- I CAN'T.

- WELL, I'M NOT SLEEPING
IN YOUR ROOM.

ONCE WAS ENOUGH.

- I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD
SLEEP IN HERE WITH YOU.

- [sighs]

I DON'T KNOW, FELIX.

YOU'RE TEN YEARS OLD.

DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S A LITTLE MUCH?

- PLEASE, POP?

- SAL, JUST LET HIM STAY

SO WE CAN ALL GO BACK
TO SLEEP.

- FINE.
GO GET YOUR SLEEPING BAG.

[sighs]

- [whispering]
FELIX...

FELIX...

- WHO'S THAT?

[soft ominous music]

♪ ♪

- FELIX...

HELP ME, FELIX.

- IS THAT YOU, SIMONE?

♪ ♪

- IT'S THE HEAD.

- [screams]
- WHAT'S GOING ON?

[laughter]

narrator: NONE OF US WERE ABLE
TO GET BACK TO SLEEP,

SO THE NEXT DAY, I WAS SURVIVING
ON PURE ADRENALINE.

all: ♪ BEER ON THE WALL ♪

♪ 85 BOTTLES OF BEER
ON THE WALL ♪

♪ 85 BOTTLES OF BEER ♪

♪ TAKE ONE DOWN ♪

♪ PASS IT AROUND ♪

- MA.

I DON'T THINK DANNY'S
FEELING SO GOOD.

- HONEY, ARE YOU OKAY?

WHAT'S WRONG?

OH--OH, MY--
MY, MY, MY--

WE HAVE TO PULL OVER.

- [sighs]

all: ♪ 83 BOTTLES OF BEER
ON THE WALL ♪

♪ 83 BOTTLES OF BEER ♪

- FOR THE LOVE
OF ALL THAT IS HOLY,

SHUT UP!

[sighs]

- AND AS YOU CAN SEE,
THIS IS WHERE IT ALL HAPPENS.

FUN FACT--

narrator: THE RANGER STATION WAS
NOTHING LIKE IT LOOKED ON TV,

BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER.

- REAL, LIVE WOOD.
narrator: THIS WAS THE BIG-TIME.

- SPEAKING OF WHICH,

WHO'S THAT COMING DOWN THE TRAIL
OVER THERE?

all: RANGER ANDY!

- AND HOW ARE
ALL MY JUNIOR RANGERS TODAY?

all: GREAT.
- ALL RIGHT.

NOW, WHEN THE SHOW STARTS,

I'M GONNA LEAD YOU IN
THROUGH THAT DOOR,

AND YOU ALL ARE GONNA COME IN
AND INTRODUCE YOURSELVES.

WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO DO
IS STARE AT THE MICROPHONE.

BECAUSE IF YOU DO,

THIS IS WHAT Y'RE GONNA LOOK
LIKE ON TV...

[laughter]

OKAY, NOW,

HMM...

WHO WOULD LIKE TO VOLUNTEER

TO BRING DOWN THE MAILBAG TODAY?

narrator: IT WAS A KNOWN FACT

THAT THE KID
WHO BROUGHT THE MAILBAG DOWN

GOT THE MOST SCREEN TIME.

- HOW ABOUT YOU, YOUNG MAN?

ALL RIGHT, THEN.

narrator: RATS.

- PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY THAT
WE LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER.

MA EVEN HAS THIS PICTURE
OF THE TWO OF US

IN A PLAYPEN
WHEN WE WERE VERY LITTLE,

AND YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL US
APART.

- SIMONE, ANNETTE IS, LIKE,
FIVE YEARS OLDER THAN YOU.

- SHE WAS VERY SMALL
FOR HER AGE, FRANCES.

- OH, HEY, EVERYBODY,
IT'S ON.

- ♪ MY NAME IS RANGER ANDY ♪

♪ AND I'VE TRAVELED ALL AROUND ♪

♪ AND I AM WRITING YOU A SONG ♪

♪ ABOUT THE THINGS I'VE FOUND ♪

♪ I'LL SING
ABOUT THE MYSTERIES ♪

[applause]

- LOOK ALIVE,
GENTLEMEN AND LADIES.

DID EVERYONE USE THE BATHROOM?

GOOD?

OKAY.
WIPE YOUR NOSE.

EVERYONE, STAND BY.

narrator: THIS WAS IT.

IN A FEW SECONDS,
I, FELIX FUNICELLO,

WOULD BE A BONA FIDE
TELEVISION CELEBRITY.

NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT.

- READY, RANGER ANDY?
- READY WHEN YOU ARE.

- WE ARE GOING LIVE
IN FIVE,

FOUR, THREE...

- HI, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME
TO THE RANGER STATION.

MY, WE GOT A LOT OF BOYS
AND GIRLS COMING DOWN THE TRAIL,

SO LET ME BRING THEM IN.

THEN THEY CAN INTRODUCE
THEMSELVES.

WELL, WELCOME
TO THE RANGER STATION.

COME ON IN.
TAKE A SEAT.

narrator: DANNY MIGHT HAVE
LOOKED CLEANED UP,

BUT THE SECOND THOSE HOT LIGHTS
HIT HIS UNIFORM...

- A LOT OF SAILORS TODAY, HUH?

- ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, HERE COME THE SCOUTS.

GREAT.
MORE SAILORS.

- CONGRATULATIONS, SAL.
WE'RE SO PROUD OF YOU.

- BOBBY LUBACHINO.

- KEVIN.

- BRANDON.

- DANNY.

- FELIX FUNICELLO.

[cheers and applause]

- WHICH ONE OF OUR GUESTS
WOULD LIKE TO COME DOWN

AND LEAD US IN
THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TODAY?

narrator:
THIS WAS MY SHOT.

- HOW ABOUT YOU, YOUNG LADY?

AND STAND HERE ON THE BLUE DOT
FOR ME.

THERE WE GO.

RIGHT OVER THERE.
THAT'S PERFECT.

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, YOU ALL KNOW THE
CHING DONG DIDDLE SONG, RIGHT?

all: YES!
- ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, A-ONE, TWO,
ONE, TWO, THREE.

all: ♪ CHING DONG DIDDLE
AND A HI-DEE-DEE ♪

♪ SING ALONG, MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ CHING DONG DIDDLE,
SING ALONG WITH ME ♪

♪ THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS ♪

♪ CHING DONG DIDDLE
AND A HI-DEE-DEE ♪

♪ SING ALONG WITH ME ♪

♪ THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS ♪

- WE CAN'T BE SURE OUR MEALS
SUPPLY ENOUGH VITAMINS.

- AND I NEED THEM TO STAY STRONG
AND HEALTHY.

- WELL, A SINGLE ONE-A-DAY
MULTIPLE VITAMIN TABLET DAILY

GIVES YOU ALL THE VITAMINS
CHILDREN OR GROWN-UPS

NORMALLY NEED TO TAKE.

- I KNOW ALL YOU KIDS TAKE THEM.

- ALL RIGHT,
WE HAVE TIME TO CALL DOWN

SOME OF OUR SPECIAL STATION
GUESTS.

NOW, WHO HAS A REALLY GREAT JOKE
TODAY?

- YOU, SIR,
WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

- HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN AN
ELEPHANT'S BEEN IN YOUR FRIDGE?

- HMM...

I DON'T KNOW.
HOW?

YOU CAN SEE THEIR FOOTPRINTS
IN THE BUTTER.

[laughter]

- THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

- THAT'S CUTE.

IT'S CUTE.
THAT'S CUTE.

YEAH.

- OKAY, WHO ELSE HAS
A GOOD JOKE?

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

- WHY IS IT IMPOSSIBLE TO STARVE
IN THE DESERT?

- OOH.

NOW, THAT'S A HEAD-SCRATCHER.

WHY?

- BECAUSE OF ALL THE SANDWICHES
THERE.

[laughter]

- ANOTHER GOOD ONE.

ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE TIME
FOR JUST ONE MORE JOKE.

narrator:
THE SHOW WAS ALMOST OVER.

- NOW, WHO HAS
A REALLY GREAT ONE?

narrator:
THIS WAS MY LAST CHANCE

TO BE IN THE SPOTLIGHT.

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW ANY JOKES.

DID I?

- YOU DO?
COME ON.

LET'S HEAR IT.

- HOW IS A WOMAN LIKE AN OVEN?

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

HOW?

- 'CAUSE YOU GOT
TO HEAT THEM BOTH UP

BEFORE YOU STICK
IN THE MEATLOAF.

[laughs]

- CUT IT.

[television beeps]

- [laughing]

narrator: POP HADN'T SAID A WORD

SINCE HE PICKED US UP
FROM THE BUS STOP.

IT WAS UP TO ME
TO GENTLY BREAK THE ICE.

- HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW
IT WAS A DIRTY JOKE?

- FELIX.

YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND
REPEATING ANYTHING YOU HEAR.

- LOOK, WHAT YOUR FATHER
IS FAILING MISERABLY

AT TRYING TO SAY TO YOU

IS THAT YOU CAN ALWAYS
COME TO US

IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
SOMETHING

BEFORE YOU BROADCAST IT
ACROSS THE STATE

ON LIVE TELEVISION.

- DON'T WORRY,
'CAUSE I NEVER WANT TO BE

IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE
AGAIN.

I'M QUITTING THE CHRISTMAS
PAGEANT TOMORROW.

- LIKE HELL YOU ARE.
- OH, NO--SAL.

YOU KNOW, HONEY,
WHAT WOULD COUSIN ANNETTE DO?

WOULD SHE GIVE UP THAT EASILY?

- I GUESS NOT.
- NO, OF COURSE NOT.

EXACTLY.

AND DON'T WORRY, BY TOMORROW,

NOBODY WILL REMEMBER
WHAT HAPPENED.

narrator:
WALKING INTO CLASS THAT DAY,

I HAD PREPARED MYSELF
FOR THE WORST.

BUT NO ONE SAID A WORD.

WHEN YOU'RE TEN YEARS OLD,

THE ONLY THING WORSE
THAN GETTING LAUGHED AT

IS GETTING THE SILENT TREATMENT.

- [whispering]
WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHY IS EVERYONE SO QUIET?

- [whispering]
FRECHETTE THREATENED EVERYONE

WITH CHECK MINUSES
IF WE TALKED ABOUT THE SHOW.

- [sighs]
DID YOU WATCH?

- BEST EPISODE
OF RANGER ANDY EVER.

[laughter]

- HEY, NICE OUTFIT.
WHERE'D YOU GET IT?

- MY AUNT, AND I WOULDN'T BE
TALKING, JOHNNY TREMAIN.

- FORMIDABLE.

OH, INTERESTING CHOICE, PAULINE.

- THANK YOU.

I GOT IT FROM MY NEIGHBORS,
THE MARGISELLAS.

- TRES BIEN.

OOH, ZHENYA, YOU GOT
A LITTLE SCISSOR-HAPPY

WITH THE COSTUME, NO?

- NYET.

IT FIT ME BETTER
THAN THE OTHER GIRLS.

- BON.

PLACES, EVERYONE.

- HELLO,
I AM YOUR NARRATOR.

AND THIS PLAY IS ABOUT
THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS.

HERE COMES THE SAINTS.

[shushes]
LET'S LISTEN.

- I'M ALOYSIUS GONZAGA.

I WAS KIND TO CHILDREN
AND LEPERS

AND SAID THE HAIL MARY

EVERY TIME I CLIMBED UP AND DOWN
THE STAIRS

BEFORE I DIED OF THE PLAGUE.

[soft laughter]

IN AMERICA,

WHICH HASN'T YET BEEN
DISCOVERED,

A WONDERFUL SCHOOL
WILL BE NAMED AFTER ME.

LOOK, HERE COMES ST. THERESE.

- HI, MY NAME IS ST. THERESE.

I LOVED GOD SO MUCH

THAT I WOULD SLEEP UNDER
A HEAVY BLANKET IN THE SUMMER

AND NOT USE THE BLANKET
DURING THE WINTER

WHEN I WAS FREEZING COLD.

I DIED OF TUBERCULOSIS
AT THE AGE OF 24.

OH, LOOK WHO'S COMING.

IT'S MARTIN DE PORRES.

- YES, IT IS ME,

THE SAINT OF HAIRDRESSERS.

I LOVE ANIMALS

AND WAS SO HAPPY TO FINALLY
BECOME A SAINT IN THE YEAR 1962.

BUT TODAY I AM VERY, VERY SAD.

- THE SAINTS START TO TALK
TO EACH OTHER.

- WHY ARE YOU SAD, ST. MARTIN?

IS IT BECAUSE THERE ARE

STILL SO MANY PREJUDICED PEOPLE
IN THIS WORLD?

- NO.
THAT'S NOT IT.

- ST. MARTIN DE PORRES
PUTS HIS HANDS OVER HIS FACE

AND STARTS TO CRY.

- THAT'S IT.
I QUIT.

- YOU CAN'T QUIT.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN OUR CLASS
WHO CAN PLAY ST. MARTIN.

- OH, YEAH?
WHY IS THAT?

- BECAUSE...

YOU JUST ARE.

- I AIN'T CRYING IN FRONT
OF MY FATHER AND BROTHERS.

- FINE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CRY.

YOU JUST HAVE TO LOOK REAL SAD.

OKAY?
- FINE.

- CAN WE FINISH UP NOW?

narrator: AFTER WHAT FELT
LIKE AN ETERNITY,

ROSALIE'S PLAY FINALLY REACHED
ITS GRAND FINALE.

- THIS IS TERRIBLE.

- [laughs]

- AND SO THE THREE SAINTS
RODE ALL NIGHT LONG

WITH SANTA AND HIS SLEIGH.

AND IN THE MORNING,

BEFORE OPENING THEIR PRESENTS,

THE CHILDREN KNELT DOWN
AND THANKED GOD

FOR SENDING HIS ONLY SON
DOWN TO THE EARTH.

AND EVERYONE WAS HAPPY,

EXCEPT FOR THE ATHEISTS.

THE END.

- ROSALIE, DID MOTHER FILOMENA
READ THE ENTIRE PLAY

BEFORE APPROVING IT?

WELL, PERHAPS WE'LL REWORD
A LITTLE BIT

BEFORE THE PERFORMANCE.

- WHAT IS IT, FELIX?

- THAT ENDING DOESN'T MAKE
ANY SENSE.

HOW COULD THEY RIDE AROUND
WITH SOMEONE

THAT'S NOT EVEN REAL?

- SANTA IS TOO REAL!

HOW ELSE DO THE PRESENTS GET
UNDER THE TREE, HUH?

- IT'S STILL A DUMB ENDING.

- NOT AS DUMB AS YOU ARE!

- OKAY, CHILDREN.

[claps]

WE'RE OUT OF TIME.

BUT A FEW WORDS BEFORE YOU GO.

YOU MUST REMEMBER

THAT WHILE THE OTHER CLASSES
ARE CELEBRATING LA NATIVITE

WITH THEIR SONGS,

YOU ARE THE ONES
WHO WILL EMBODY IT.

SHOULD YOU HAVE AN ITCH,

YOU MUST RESIST THE URGE
TO SCRATCH IT.

- WHAT IF WE HAVE TO SNEEZE?

- YOU MUST SUPPRESS IT,

PERHAPS BY DIGGING YOUR
FINGERNAILS INTO YOUR LEG

AND DRAWING A DROP OR TWO
OF BLOOD

OR MAYBE OF THINKING
OF SOMETHING REALLY SAD,

LIKE--LIKE A DEAD PUPPY.

BUT YOU MUST NEVER
BREAK THE ILLUSION

THAT YOU ARE A THREE-DIMENSIONAL
PAINTING,

JUST AS BREATHTAKING
AS ANY IN THE LOUVRE.

narrator: MADAME'S SPEECH DID
NOTHING TO CALM MY STAGE FRIGHT.

I COULDN'T GET A BLINK OF SLEEP
THE NIGHT BEFORE THE PAGEANT.

I WAS SO NERVOUS,

I COULD HAVE FILLED UP
A DOZEN LEPER SLOP PAILS.

POP HAD TO KEEP THE DINER OPEN
LATE AND WOULD MISS THE SHOW,

BUT MA AND MY SISTERS
WOULD BE THERE TO WITNESS

MY IMPENDING FAILURE.

BUT THEN AGAIN, I DIDN'T EVEN
HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.

ALL I HAD TO DO WAS STAND THERE.

EVERYTHING WAS GONNA BE OKAY.

- CHARLOTTE--
CHARLOTTE, WHAT IS IT?

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

- [screaming]

[dog barks]

narrator: OR NOT.

- THE OTHER ONE WOULDN'T GET
ON THE TRUCK.

- SO WE BROUGHT THIS ONE
INSTEAD,

ON ACCOUNT OF
WE COULD JUST CARRY HIM.

- PA SAID NOBODY WOULD NOTICE
ANYWAYS.

- THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.

[applause]

- NO.

NO, REALLY, REALLY.

REALLY, THANK YOU.

AND WELCOME TO ST. ALOYSIUS--

[coughs]

EXCUSE ME--

ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PAGEANT.

- THAT'S HOW RUMORS GET STARTED.

- WE HAVE A WONDERFUL SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT,

AND ALL THE KIDS HAVE WORKED
SO HARD ON THIS PLAY.

AND WE HAVE AN ORIGINAL PLAY

WRITTEN BY ONE OF OUR STUDENTS.

AND IT--
IT IS CALLED

JESUS IS THE REASON
FOR THE SEASON.

BUT THERE
IS THE CUTEST LITTLE BLACK--

WHOA.

OH, OH.

WHOA.

YOU GOT TO WATCH OUT
WHERE YOU PUT THESE MIC CORDS.

- YOU KNOW,
IT'S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.

- ANYWAY, THIS LAMB'S GOT
THIS LITTLE WHITE COLLAR,

AND IT IS SO CUTE.

AND YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE LAMB,

BUT YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE KIDS,
AND YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE PLAY.

SO GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU,
AND THANK YOU,

AND HAVE A GREAT TIME,
AND--AND--

YEAH,
OKAY.

[applause]

OKAY.

SECOND GRADERS, YOU'RE UP.

ALL RIGHT, KIDS,

MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD.

- THAT MEANS OUR FIRST TABLEAU
WILL BE UP AFTER THEM.

MONSIEUR FRANZ,

MADEMOISELLE PAULINE,

L'ANNONCIATION.

children:
♪ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE ♪

♪ IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH,
HEY ♪

♪ JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS ♪

♪ JINGLE ALL THE WAY ♪

♪ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE ♪

♪ IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ♪

[applause]

- ♪ AVE ♪

♪ MARIA ♪

♪ GRATIA ♪

♪ PLENA ♪

♪ MARIA ♪

♪ GRATIA ♪

♪ PLENA ♪

♪ MARIA ♪

♪ GRATIA ♪

♪ PLENA ♪

♪ AVE ♪

♪ AVE DOMINUS ♪

♪ DOMINUS TECUM ♪

- DID HE JUST EAT HIS BOOGER?

[both laugh]

- WHY IS MARY DRESSED
LIKE SCHEHERAZADE?

- I DON'T KNOW.

- WHY DO YOU HAVE
TO CRITICIZE EVERYTHING?

- I DON'T HAVE TO;
I WANT TO.

- LIKE, IF YOU RAN THE WORLD,
EVERYTHING WOULD BE PERFECT.

- PROBABLY.

- YEAH, YEAH.

- YES, IT IS ME,

THE SAINT OF ALL HAIRDRESSERS.

I LOVE ANIMALS

AND WAS SO HAPPY TO FINALLY
BECOME A SAINT IN THE YEAR 1962.

BUT TODAY...

I AM VERY, VERY SAD.

- SO THE SAINTS START TO TALK
TO EACH OTHER.

- WHY ARE YOU SAD, ST. MARTIN?

- IS IT BECAUSE THERE'S STILL
SO MANY PREJUDICED PEOPLE

IN THE WORLD?

- THERE ARE?

- UM, WHY, YES, ST. MARTIN.

- WELL, WAIT TILL THE NAACP
HEARS ABOUT THIS.

[laughter]

- YOU RUINED MY PLAY.

- I THINK I IMPROVED IT.

- THAT WAS MARVELOUS, SWEETIE.

girls: ♪ ANGELS WE HAVE
HEARD ON HIGH ♪

♪ SWEETLY SINGING
O'ER THE PLAINS ♪

♪ AND THE MOUNTAINS IN REPLY ♪

♪ ECHOING THEIR JOYOUS STRAINS ♪

♪ GLO-OH-OH-OH ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-ORIA ♪

- MADAME FRECHETTE,
MY STOMACH HURTS.

- IT'S OKAY, PAULINE.
IT'S JUST NERVES.

narrator: OR THE HALF DOZEN
SNO BALLS SHE'D INHALED

THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO BE
FOR THE AFTER-PARTY.

- I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK.

- MADAME, COULD YOU TAKE PAULINE
TO THE TOILET, S'IL VOUS PLAIT?

- SHOULDN'T--
- MADAME--

- OKAY, FINE.
COME ALONG.

- [vomiting]
- OH!

DAMN IT.

narrator:
THE PUKE, THE LIGHTS--

IT WAS RANGER ANDY
ALL OVER AGAIN.

- JACKIE, GIVE ME THIS.

ZHENYA, YOU'RE MARY NOW.

- HOW I BE HER?
MY COSTUME.

- FRANZ, YOU CHANGE YOUR COSTUME
WITH ZHENYA.

- NO WAY.

ALL I GOT UNDER HERE
IS MY UNDERWEAR.

- YOU HEARD TEACHER LADY.

SHE WANTS US TO SWITCH;
WE SWITCH.

- [sighs]

- [gulps]

- WHAT'S GOING ON?

- ROSALIE, I'M MARY NOW,
LADY MAN.

- THAT'S NOT FAIR!

I WORK HARDER THAN ANYBODY ELSE
IN THIS CLASS.

AND WHY HER OF ALL PEOPLE?

SHE'S AN ATHEIST
AND A COMMUNIST.

AND I DON'T EVEN CARE
WHAT YOU SAY,

'CAUSE YOU'RE JUST A STUPID SUB.

I'M MARY!

- I NO THINK SO,
CHICKY BOOM BOOM GIRL.

- ROSALIE.

[speaking French]

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

narrator: AND I WAS OFFICIALLY
NEVER SLEEPING AGAIN.

girls:
♪ SINGING O'ER THE PLAINS ♪

girls: ♪ SWEETLY SINGING
O'ER THE PLAINS ♪

- MONSIEUR DONDI,

REMOVE YOUR CHEMISE
AND PANTALON.

YOU ARE NOW OUR BABY JESUS.

- I CAN'T.
I'M TOO BIG.

- BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON
MAINTENANT.

- FINE,
I'LL TAKE OFF MY CHEMISE,

BUT THERE'S NO WAY I'M TAKING
OFF MY PANTALON.

- FINE, BUT HURRY.

IN THE CRIB, MONSIEUR.

girls: ♪ OH-OH-OH-OH-OH ♪

narrator: THERE IT WAS,
LILY OF THE VALLEY.

- [sighs]

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

girls:
♪ OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH ♪

- [grunting]

girls: ♪ DEO ♪

[applause]

[all gasping]

[goats bleating]

[goats bleating]

- FELIX IS BABY JESUS.

[both laughing]

- HE'S GOT TINY DOLL FEET.

[goats bleating]

all: ♪ SILENT NIGHT ♪

♪ HOLY NIGHT ♪

♪ ALL IS CALM ♪

♪ ALL IS BRIGHT ♪

♪ ROUND YON VIRGIN ♪

♪ MOTHER AND CHILD ♪

♪ HOLY INFANT ♪

♪ SO TENDER AND MILD ♪

[laughter]

♪ SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE ♪

- [sneezes]

[goats bleating]

[sneezes]

[goat bleats]

[glass shatters,
audience gasps, laughs]

all: ♪ SILENT NIGHT ♪

♪ HOLY NIGHT ♪

♪ SHEPHERDS QUAKE ♪

♪ AT THE SIGHT ♪

♪ GLORIES STREAM
FROM HEAVEN ABOVE ♪

♪ HEAVENLY HOSTS
SING HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ CHRIST THE SAVIOR IS BORN ♪

♪ CHRIST THE SAVIOR
IS BORN ♪

narrator: THE PAGEANT
WAS A COMPLETE DISASTER,

BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER.

WE MAY NOT HAVE BEEN GOOD AT
EMBODYING THE CHRISTMAS STORY,

BUT WE MADE UP FOR IT IN SPIRIT.

[applause]

- MERCI, MONSIEUR DONDI.

- [sneezes]

- MADAME.
- ZHENYA.

- ME PAPA.

- I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

THAT WAS SO, SO GOOD.

- YEAH, WE ACTUALLY GAVE YOU
A STANDING OVATION.

- YEAH, I GUESS TASTE TRULY
IS SUBJECTIVE.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

GOOD JOB, FELIX.
- GOOD JOB.

- THANKS.

BUT WHERE'S POP?

- HE HAD TO WORK.
YOU KNOW THAT.

- BUT I THOUGHT I SAW HIM
IN THE AUDIENCE.

- ARE YOU SURE?

- I'M SURE I'M SURE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- OKAY.

- OH, LOOK,
THAT'S THE TWERSKI GIRL.

- ROSALIE.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- I JUST WANTED TO SAY

I REALLY LIKED YOUR PLAY.

- NO, YOU DIDN'T.

YOU SAID THE ENDING
WAS DUMB.

- YEAH, WELL, I CHANGED MY MIND.

I THINK IT MAKES SENSE NOW.

- THANKS.

YOU WERE A PRETTY GOOD JESUS
TOO,

BETTER THAN THAT DOLL
WOULD HAVE BEEN.

- THANKS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, ROSALIE.

- WAIT.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, FELIX.

- POP!

- [laughs]
HEY.

THERE'S MY STAR.

- I KNEW I SAW YOU.

- I GOT CHINO TO COME IN
SO I WOULDN'T MISS IT.

- WHAT'S THAT?

- THIS--

JUST AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

FELIX, SIMONE--

- IS THAT ANNETTE?
- YEAH.

- SO THAT LADY STANDING
IN THE BACK WITH YOU--

THAT WAS HER.

- SURE WAS.

YEAH, SHE'S DOING A PUBLICITY
TOUR FOR HER LATEST FILM

AND WAS ABLE TO STOP BY
ON HER WAY TO BOSTON.

- WAIT, WAIT--
SHE WAS ACTUALLY HERE?

OH, DEAR GOD, HOLD ME.

narrator:
THAT WAS THE YEAR I LEARNED

THAT WHAT REALLY MATTERED
DURING CHRISTMAS

WAS THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY
YOU SPENT IT WITH

AND THE SURPRISES
THAT CAME ALONG

WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECTED THEM.

- FELIX,

YOU WERE THE MOST ADORABLE
BABY JESUS I HAVE EVER SEEN.

OH.

- HOW ABOUT WE ALL HEAD
BACK TO THE HOUSE

FOR AN EARLY CHRISTMAS DINNER,
HUH?

- OH, MY GOD, YES.
YES.

- WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- ♪ CHRISTMAS GIFT ♪

- ♪ WON'T YOU HAND IT HERE? ♪

- ♪ CHRISTMAS GIFT ♪

- ♪ HAND IT HERE ♪

♪ I SAID IT FIRST,
SO NOW HAND IT HERE ♪

- SING IT FOR YOUR GIFT.

- ♪ CHRISTMAS GIFT ♪

- ♪ HAND IT HERE ♪

- ♪ CHRISTMAS GIFT ♪

- ♪ WON'T YOU HAND IT HERE? ♪

- ♪ CHRISTMAS GIFT ♪

- ♪ HAND IT HERE ♪

- SMILE!

- LOOK OUT THERE NOW.
COMING IN HERE.

♪ SANTA CLAUS,
WON'T YOU LISTEN HERE? ♪

narrator: AFTER THAT YEAR,

MADAME FRECHETTE RETURNED
TO QUEBEC,

WHERE SHE SELLS PERFUME
AND DIRECTS COMMUNITY THEATER.

- [sneezes]

narrator:
THE NATIVITE TABLEAU VIVANT

HAS BECOME AN ANNUAL TRADITION
AT ST. ALOYSIUS.

WHEN MA AND POP RETIRED
TO FLORIDA IN 1985,

CHINO PURCHASED THE DINER

AND PROMPTLY WENT BANKRUPT.

FRANCES OWNS AND OPERATES
HAPPY MOUTH DENTISTRY

WHERE SIMONE IS EMPLOYED AS
A HYGIENIST AND OFFICE MANAGER.

SHE ALSO TEACHES ZUMBA
AT THE YMCA.

ZHENYA'S PARENTS WERE NOT SPIES,

BUT HER FATHER WAS AN ENGINEER
WHO HAD DEFECTED TO THE U.S.

CLOSE ENOUGH.

ZHENYA NOW HOSTS
A POPULAR JEWELRY SHOW

FOR THE QVC SHOPPING CHANNEL.

THRICE MARRIED AND DIVORCED,

LONNY IS A BLACKJACK DEALER

AT CONNECTICUT'S
QUINNIPIAC MOON CASINO.

HE RECENTLY DISCOVERED
SOCIAL MEDIA

AND HAS RECONNECTED
WITH HIS FORMER FLAME,

ZHENYA.

ROSALIE TWERSKI TOURED FOR TWO
SEASONS WITH UP WITH PEOPLE.

TODAY HER FACE CAN BE SEEN
ACROSS THE STATE ON BILLBOARDS,

WHERE SHE DECLARES,

"IF I CAN'T SELL YOUR HOUSE
IN 60 DAYS,

I'LL BUY IT MYSELF."

AS FOR ME,

I FINALLY GREW FIVE INCHES
AS A FRESHMAN IN HIGH SCHOOL,

MAKING ME TALLER THAN AT LEAST
MOST OF THE GIRLS.

TODAY I'M A PROFESSOR
OF FILM STUDIES

AT WESLEYAN UNIVERSITY

AND AN AUTHOR.

IN 2009, I WROTE A NOSTALGIA
CHRISTMAS MEMOIR.

THE BOOK SOLD MODESTLY

UNTIL A FAMOUS TV TALK SHOW HOST
RECOMMENDED IT,

TURNING IT INTO AN OVERNIGHT
BEST SELLER

AND EVENTUALLY,
A FILM.