All language subtitles for The.Amazing.Tour.Is.Not.On.Fire.2016.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX].English.eng

- [Dan] Hello, Internet.
- [Phil] Hey, guys. Hi.

- Hello, Internet.

♪ [music] ♪

- Why do you always make
cat whiskers on your face?

Hello, everyone! Hey, guys.
Hello, hello, hello, hello.

- Hello, hello, hello. Hi, hi.

In the middle, hey.
How you doing?

At the very top, hi.
Hi. How are you?

- Hi. Hello.

- So Hollywood, how are you
doing tonight? Are you good? All
right.

Well, Dan, at no point in life,
thought he'd be saying that,
seriously.

But good that you
are good. Yes.

- Yeah. So Dan, as we're here in
Hollywood...

- We are, indeed.

- I would like three facts about
Hollywood, please.

- Wait. What?
- Three facts.

- You can't just ask me to give
them facts. I don't have
anything prepared.

- I mean you must know something
about Hollywood. Come on. Fact
one.

- Okay. I know something
that happened this morning.

We were walking through
Hollywood, and we saw

Shrek's star on the
Walk of Fame, seriously.

- That we did.

- I am not joking. We were just
looking down, and I was like,
"Wait. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. My senpai." It was
good. It was an emotional moment
for me.

- There was actual tears
on that Shrek star.

- There were, actually.
- Fact two.

- Another fact is that this is
the actual theater where the
Oscars happen.

That's awesome, right?

You guys, you are sharing
seats with some celebrity butts.

I am telling you that,
seriously.
- Definitely.

- Just soak it up. Oh, yeah.

- Fact three.

- Obviously a fact is that the
people of Hollywood have
beautiful American accents.

That's true.
- Yes.

- It is a wonderful thing for
us Brits. I have an idea.

As Phil just so kindly
put me on the spot like that,

how's about Phil gives us
his best American accent?

- You can't make me do
an American accent.

- We all want to hear Phil
attempt that. Don't we? Come on.

- I am sorry in advance. Oh,
hey, Hollywood. I'm so happy to
be here.

That was terrible. That was
really bad.
- What was that? Okay.

- I'm sorry.

- Well, I don't know about you
guys, but I feel like we should
move on before we get deported.

Yeah. Right. Well, this is all
good.

Phil, I don't want to alarm you
or anything, but look around.

What the heck
is all of this stuff?

Isn't that one of your
house plants, Phil?

- Yes. There's my cactus, Loki.

- Loki?

- Yeah.

- I wasn't aware you started
naming your house plants.

- I named the cactus.

- Okay. But no, look. It's the
rubber duck from our bathroom or
the stickers from your laptop.

- There's my Sharpie
collection as well.

- What is under that thing?

- You know I can't resist
something covered with a
mysterious cloth.

- Should Phil pull it off?
Yeah, come on, Phil.

- Wow.
- That's huge.

- I'm going to ride it.
- You're going to what?

- I'm going to ride it.

- Okay. Phil is mounting the
giant lion, everybody.

[cheering]

- It's so majestic.

- Right. So if there was a
giant lion under that sheet,

then I wonder what's going
to be under that one.

Okay. I think we all know.
Let's see. Okay. And it is...

a giant llama. Wow.

Oh, would you look at that? It's
like a huge tribute to 2011.

Whatever next? Will a packet of
Maltesers and a placenta roll
across the stage?

Seriously. Cringe attack.

- Who thinks Dan should
mount the llama?

- No, no, no, stop. I'm quite
happy down here. Thank you.

- Mount the llama. Mount the
llama. Mount the llama. Mount
the llama.

- Okay. Fine. Fine. Okay. Geez.
Peer pressure. Okay. I'm getting
on the llama.

Right. Okay. This is very high.
All right. Hey.

- Hey. I wonder if they've got
any special features. There's a
little button here.

[roar]

That's how I feel every morning.

- Wow. I wonder what the
button on mine does.

- Yeah.
[llama noise]

- Really? That exact noise?

- Is that how you feel
every morning, Dan?

- Yeah, that's kind of how I
feel right now, actually.

- So...

- Well, this is a thing then.

[ding]

Guys, this is the thing that we
just came through, this thing in
the middle here.

Yeah. Yeah. Phil, it appears
to be a giant microwave. What?

- Uh-oh. I mean, what?

- Phil, do you know something
about the giant microwave?

- Um.
- Phil?

- I mean it's a great
onomatopoeia. Microwave.

- Nice reference there, Phil. I
see. Right. That's it. I'm
getting down.

Oh no. I'm gonna die.

Okay. Thank you. Right.
Phil, get off the lion.

I think we need to have a
little chat about something.

- I can't get down.

- What do you mean
you can't get down?

- I'm stuck.

- Oh, you're stuck, are you?
That's convenient.

Sorry about this, guys. Very
embarrassing. We're having a bit
of a domestic here.

I swear to God, I will pull you
off the lion if you don't get
down right now, Phil.

- It's so high. Ah. Ah.

- This is why you don't mount
things. Right. So Phil?

- Well, you know how my laptop's
always running out of battery.

- Yeah, because you watch anime
in the bath every morning for
three hours.

- And how radiation gives
people superpowers.

- Yep. Sure, Phil.

- Well, I may have
micro-- [cough]

- Sorry, Phil. Could you say
that a bit louder for the guys
at the back?

- I microwaved my laptop!

- You did what? Why would you
microwave your laptop?

- I thought it would
increase the battery life.

- Oh, my God. Phil, I don't
believe this. That is so
dangerous.

Firstly, literally, the entire
thing is made out of metal.

Secondly, nobody understands
what microwaves do. They do
weird things to physics.

I mean you put in corn kernels,
and it just comes out like
popcorn. What's that about?

- Exactly.
- Hang on. Hang on. Dan, I think
that's what happened here.

- What?

- I put my laptop in the
microwave, and everything inside
it pops out like popcorn.

- Wait. Phil, I think you're
right. That must be exactly what
has happened here.

You microwaved your laptop

and everything inside it and
from our YouTube channel has
exploded into reality.

- Wow. I'm glad I emptied my
recycle bin before that
happened.

- Do I want to know?

- No.
- Okay.

- So how does that explain
these guys then?

- Well, I guess these guys must
be our followers from the
Internet. Hey. Hey.

- Hey. Wow.
- Cool.

- They're like real-life
YouTube comments.

- Dear God, that is a
terrifying thought.

Wait, wait. What does that mean?
If they're real-life YouTube
comments,

does that mean we can thumbs
them up and thumbs them down and
stuff?

- Don't thumbs anyone
up or down, please.

- Whoa. Okay. Sorry. Sorry.

Really didn't want to get to
thumbing that early in the show.

But no, seriously.
See the person right there?

What would happen
if I reported them?

Would they just fly into the
ceiling and disappear or
somethng?

- I think in this universe,
that could be murder.

So no blocking, reporting,
thumbing. - Okay. Sorry, sorry,
sorry.

- Just leave them alone.

- Well, I think you'll all
agree. This is a pretty weird
situation.

So I am going to post a cheeky
tweet about this. One sec.

All right. Let's see.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, Phil. Something's
happened to my phone.

It's a Nokia 3310.

- Awesome. We can play Snake.

- No, Phil. I don't think you've
quite understood what's clearly
going on here.

- What?

- No more iPhone, everything
from your laptop, these guys
suddenly in real life.

Phil, you have destroyed
the Internet.

Oh, my God. Phil, what do we do?

I don't know how to live
without the Internet.

How are we supposed to
entertain these people?

I'm used to hiding
behind a screen

so I don't have to deal
with their reactions.

- Well, you know what my
grandma always used to say?

If you microwave your laptop and
destroy the universe, make the
most out of the situation.

- That's an incredibly specific
piece of advice, Phil.

- Seriously though. I mean we're
on a stage. We've got an
audience.

There's loads of snazzy
lights everywhere.

- There are.

- I think I could do something
I've always dreamed of.

- Well, what have you always
dreamed of doing, Phil?

- Well, something like...

- Phil? Phil, what's happening?
Wait, Phil. Why is there music
playing?

♪ Whenever I'm alone or if I'm
feeling gray, there's one place
I can go♪

♪ to brighten up my day. ♪

- Stop. Stop. Stop the
music. Stop the music. Hey.

- Hey.

- You turn off that light.
You're encouraging him.

Sorry. Sorry, everybody.

I don't want to be that guy,
but, Phil, we are YouTubers.

We make videos on the Internet.

We don't burst into song like
Troy Bolton.

- Oh. I think we should try
something different, a little
song, a little dance.

As less-amazing Phil would say,
"Try new things."

- Okay. Phil, you can't just
say, "Try new things," just like
that.

- Well, I just did.

- Well, it looks like we're
having a bit of a disagreement
about what to do here, Phil.

- Looks like we are.

- Well, how do you suppose
we resolve this?

♪ [music] ♪

- It's the 7-Second Challenge.

- Right. Okay. Well, I guess
that would be the perfect way to
resolve this.

- Yeah.

- In case anyone's as confused
as I am right now, Phil,

why don't you explain what
the 7-Second Challenge is?

- Hopefully you guys know what
the 7-Second Challenge is,
right?

Cool. There is one
confused dad up there.

- What are you on about?

- Well, basically, you have to
do whatever the other person
says in seven seconds.

- That's basically it.
It's a very simple game.

- Yeah.

- But Phil, what happens after
somebody attempts the challenge?

- Well, the other person decides
whether they nailed it. [victory
noise]

That's sexy. - That was
pretty cool, actually.

- Or failed it.
[buzzer]

- That's the bad one.

- Sounded like an
angry badger. Ehh.

- Yeah, because when badgers
attack, that's how they sound.
Isn't that right?

Well, I am totally ready to do
this, but I don't see how we're
going to do the

7-Second Challenge without
a timer of any kind.

- Oh, yeah. [ding]
Isn't that convenient?

- Okay. Sure. Whatever.
I guess that'd work.

- Hey, Dan. I've got an idea.
- Yeah.

- Why don't we test
it out on these guys?

- Okay. All right. I see
where you're going. Okay.

Who is up for some
audience participation?

[cheering]

Okay. Well, a lot of you were
clearly very excited by that.
Good. Good for you.

About half of you though
were like, "What? No.

No. Oh, my god. Dan, please.
Dan, don't do this to me. No.
No. No!"

Don't worry. Do not worry. You
have seen my video. I would not
do that to you.

Phil, I have an idea.

- Yeah?

- You can all attempt this
challenge at the same time.

That is right. Okay.

So I don't want to see a single
one of you not joining in

because you are collectively
responsible for nailing it or
failing it.

Phil, are you ready?

- Yeah. You guys at the top,
you're on Phil watch.

- Okay. Right. Let's do this.

[tense music]

Okay, wow.
That's tense.

Do you guys feel the
tension right now?

- Oh, yeah.

- Good, because this is serious
business, okay? Right.

Your challenge is to give me and
Phil three different animal
impressions in seven seconds.

Okay? Go!

Six, five, four,
three, two, one. Stop.

Stop. Please, stop. Wow. Okay.

- Well, that was something.

- It was like the sound of
Noah's Ark crashing into a rock.

- We had some geese honking down
here, some zebras mating at the
top.

- Phil, please. I mean you
can't deny that they tried.

I think the effort was
definitely there.

- Yeah, I think for effort
alone, you all collectively
nailed it. [victory noise]

[victory noise]

- All right. Okay. Look, Phil.
They applauded themselves.

- Oh.

- No, that's good. You have
self-esteem. Yes. Yes.

Cheer for us. Okay.

Well, I guess it's our turn
then, Phil. Just one small
prob-o.

Where are we going to get
challenges from? After all, no
app.

I'm just going to stop
asking questions.

What's in the box, Phil?

- It's some 7-second challenges.

- Yeah.

- Written by these guys.

- Oh, okay. These guys wrote
these? And now we're about to...

I'm not scared or anything.
- Guess what, Dan.

- Yeah.
- You're going first.

- Why?

- I invented the 7-Second
Challenge. So I get to be
challenge master.

- Yeah, yeah. Because nobody
ever brings that up, right?

Oh, did you know that amazing
Phil actually created the
7-Second Challenge?

Okay, okay.

So to be clear what we
are playing for here,

If I win, we stick to doing
what we do on YouTube.

If you win, you get to do your
singing and try new things,
whatever they are.

- Oh, yeah.

- Let's do this.

Oh, god. Right, guys. Give me
some energy. Charge me up.

[cheering]

Damn. Thank you. All right.
I am fricking zazzed now.

- All right. Our first one for
you comes from Jackie.

- Okay.

- Who wants you to act out
three different memes.

- What? Okay. Wow.
Much doge. Very dog.

Oh, I am the crying Pepe.

Oh, waddup? It's dat boi.

[cheering]

Because that was a
unicycle. Right, guys?

- I was curious.

- Oh, my god. What is my life?

So the bar for this
show has just been set,

and it is down there. Okay.

- Definitely. All right. What do
you guys think? Do you think he
nailed it?

- Thank you. Come on, Phil.

- I mean you are the king of
memes. You nailed it. [victory
noise]

- Okay. Thank you. Good start,
Danny. Okay. What are you doing?

- I'm just warming up.

- Okay. Watch out, people. Phil
is warmed up. Okay. Phil, your
first challenge comes

from Kendall, who wants you to
do a rap about the nearest
object to you. Go.

- Okay. Yo. This candle,
cactus, is really green.

If I threw it at Dan, it
would be really mean. Word.

- Okay. Okay. Phil. Phil. Did
you just embrace the cactus and
go, "Word?"

- I did.

- Okay. I am sorry. I'm
pretty sure that's offensive.

- I may have called
it a candle at first.

- You brought it back.
- But I did rhyme at the end.

- It is green, and if you threw
it at me, it would be mean. You
actually rhymed?

- I rhymed.

- Okay. Here's how we will tell.
Who would buy "Cactus" by Phil
Lester on iTunes?

[cheering]

Maybe it could be the bonus
track on the Ladders EP when
that comes out.

Well, the people seem to like
it. I'm going to say you nailed
it, Phil.

Please put that
down. Right. Okay.

One-all. Let's keep this going.

- Let's do it. Okay.

This one comes from Jake.

- Be kind, Jake.

- Who wants you to spell
Dan Howell backwards.

- What? Okay.
L-L-E-W-O-H, N-A-D?

- I can't believe you did that.

- That was going nowhere
in my head. Okay.

- Once you got to
W, I was like...

- No idea how to get... There
were people in the audience
like, "Come on. Come on.

He's doing it. He's doing...
Yes." Thank you. Okay. Come on,
Phil. Come on.

- Well, you definitely nailed
that one. [victory noise]

- All right. Thank you. That
pressure was too much. Okay.
Phil.

- Yes.

- Your next one comes from Lexi,
and you better get this one
right.

- Oh, no.

- Phil, name five different
breeds of dog. Go.

- Golden retriever, chihuahua,
Shiba iIu, Alsatian, yellow dog.

- Yellow dog?
[laughter]

- I had to say something.

- Okay. Wait a minute.

- A yellow dog is
technically a dog.

- Yellow dog.

- Yellow dog?

- Okay, yeah, we all know the
famous dog breed, yellow dog.

What are some of the names of
dogs that Phil could have said?
Just shout them out, guys.

- It's all coming
back to me now.

- Listen to all of the things
you could have said.

- Pug. Dalmatian.

- Too little, too late, Phil.
You failed it.

Okay. What a shame.

Why is this so
competitive? Okay, right.

- Right, okay.

This next one
comes from Denna.

- Okay.

- Who wants you to do the
sexy end-screen dance.

[cheering]

- It's the
sexy end-screen dance.

Just click here, and I'll lose
all my self worth. Okay. Yeah,
that was...

- Wow.

There is a reason we stopped
doing the sexy end-screen dance
and Drawful naked.

- Definitely.
-They are very inappropriate.

A lot of you clearly enjoyed
that, but there are some people
like,

"What's just happened?"
- What was that?

- Can we just have a moment of
silence for the lost end screens
of Dan and Phil?

Great decision.

- So these guys seem to enjoy
it. So I'm going to say you
nailed it.

- Okay. Give me those back.

I nailed it, but at what cost?
My dignity. Okay, right.

Phil, this is from Sam, who
wants you, thank you, to do an
impression of Dan.

- Hi. My name is Dan.

- Okay.

[cheering]

Really? Okay, okay.

You could have done anything,

and you did literally the worst
thing you could have done. Okay,
whatever.

Was that an accurate
Fetus Dan impression?

- I think it was. I think I
became Fetus Dan for a second.

- Okay, right. Well,
they seem to enjoy it.

I shouldn't have to be bullied
in my own stage show,

but I'm going to say you
nailed it, Phil. Well done.

- Yes.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You did get that one about the
dog breeds wrong,

which I guess means that I won
the 7-Second Challenge. All
right. Thank you.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.

I think we need to
spice things up a bit.

- Okay. Phil. Phil.
No, don't do this.

- I think we need to
do all or nothing.

- Okay. Phil. You can't just
say, "All or nothing," every
time you lose something.

It's for when people draw.

- Just think about the
explosions at the end of a
movie.

- This guy.

- The slow-motion running. We
have all of that right now, here
on this stage.

- You know what? You know what?

I will take the bait, like
I do every single time.

Phil, you wanna go down in
style? That's fine by me. Bring
it on.

All or nothing.
- All or nothing.

[dramatic noise]

- That is so terrifying.

I am like totally ready to do
this, but we have run out of
challenges.

So we're gonna have to get
some more cards from somewhere.

[evil laughing]

- What was that?

- Phil, the box. The
mystery box is glowing.

- Do you think it's radioactive?

- Well, apparently you'll get
superpowers if it is.

- Okay.
- What is it, Phil?

- It's a mysterious card with
a question mark on it.

- Oh. Right. Well, what's on the
mysterious card, Phil?

- A 7-Second Challenge.

- It's a challenge?
- Yeah.

- Okay then. I guess this can be
my one. Are you ready, guys? All
or nothing. Okay.

Let's do this. Hit me, Phil.

- Dan.
- Yes.

- Turn into a whale and swim to
the other side of the room.

- What? I can't get to the other
side of the room in seven
seconds.

How can I turn into a whale?

[makes whale noises]

- Dan. Dan. Dan!

I mean that was really
beautiful, but you're still
here.

- Obviously.

- I don't see a blowhole,
so you failed it.

And it was all or nothing,
which means I win.

- Okay. Right. Give me that
card. I don't believe you.

Turn into a whale. This isn't
physically possible. Okay.

Who put this here?

- I don't know.

- Right. Well, whatever. I guess
Phil won all or nothing. What a
surprise.

- All right.
- Oh, why did I bother?

- Time to bring some show
business to the stage.

- Oh, no.

[cheering]

- Do you know why I'm called
Amazing Phil?

[audience] Because you're
amazing! -Thank you.

- I mean you told me
you're called Amazing Phil

because you wanted to appear
first when people are sorted
alphabetically.

- It was actually because I
always had ambitions to become a
magician.

- What?

- Audience, prepare yourselves
for the mind-boggling and mildly
interesting feats

of the Amazing Phil.
[drum roll]

- Phil? Phil, where
are you going?

Phil, what do you mean
"The Amazing Phil?"

Sorry about this, guys. Phil?

Why is there a drum roll
playing? I'm very concerned
right now.

Okay. He's got a sparkly box.

And he's wearing a shiny jacket
and a top hat. Okay, okay, sure.

Phil? What
you got there?

[ta-da sound]

Wow. What a mess. There you
go, your first souvenir.

Okay, this is happening.

What you go there, Philly?
A little cloth of some kind.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, I see
what kind of show this is.

Close your eyes, everybody. The
Amazing Phil is a stripper,
apparently.

[cheering]

What? Okay. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

Okay. Sure, sure, fine, right.

I take it back. Let's
see what he does.

You want me to force choke you?

Oh, thirsty. You drink. Right,
yep, sure. What you got?

Oh, is that Ribena? My fave.
Thanks, Phil.

Sorry, but this just seems like
a nice favor to do for your
buddy.

I don't really see where the
magic is with this one.

Okay, okay, wait.

Okay, I don't actually
see how he's doing that.

Witch! Get away from me
with your Satan water!

Was that necessary? Thanks.

Don't really want the rest of
this, funnily enough. Anybody
thirsty?

Have a... You actually
put up your hand. Wow.

I was joking. That's fine.
I'll just put this down here.

Food to go with the drink.
Nice. Magic with a story.

What do you have?

It's a sign that says
eggs. Okay. Sure.

Flour, right.

Butter. Are these ingredients?
Hang on a sec.

Sugar, okay, I think we know
where this is going.

I am ready for this, Phil.
Give me what I want.

A delicious, juicy...

...picture of a cake.

Thanks, Phil. I
appreciate the magic

but you can't eat a picture
of a cake, I'm just saying.

Oh my God, you don't have to
prove me wrong, you freak.

Thank you. I'll just
put this over here.

You okay, Phil?
You look like you're gonna barf.

What is that? What is coming
out? Do you want me to help?

Right, here we go.

Phil, what is this? Where
is this coming from?

Oh, this is so disgusting.
It's covered in dribble.

Thank you. Okay.

Who wants some dribbly
stuff from Phil's mouth?

Of course you do,
of course you do.

You disgust me.

A sketch pad. Doing
some art now, are we?

A pen? In the box?

Don't mind me, just being the
glamorous assistant for a
second, guys.

Okay. Let's... Oh, my god, Phil.
Why is there a dead rabbit in
your magic...

I mean there's nothing in the
box, other than... this pen.

Everything is fine.
There you go Phil.

Right, what we
drawing? It's a circle.

It's a b... a bal...

A ball. Right, yeah, obviously.

Big sports fan.

A golf ball. Football.
Basketball.

Bow... bowel... a bowling ball!
I got that before you.

Right, what now, Phil?

-Ah! Ah!

- You sound a bit constipated.

Wait a minute.

Where did this come from?

Hang on a sec.

So you just made a real bowling
ball fall out of that drawing,

but you gave me a
picture of a cake?

What is wrong
with this guy?

Who wants a bowling
ball? Here you go.

I don't even know what
to say to you anymore.

I'll just put this
somewhere safe.

Strike. Continue.

[crashing sound] [screaming]

Jesus.

Oh, great. Another cloth dance.
Loved that the first time.

He could've actually impaled
me with that. Just saying.

♪ [music] ♪

Phil? Phil, what have you done?

Have you done something to the
microwave? Phil, why is it
smoking?

Oh my God, this is so dangerous.

Okay guys, you're going to have
to tell me what's inside this. I
can't see.

What? What is it? Why are
people screaming?

Guys? That's it. I'm
coming round and looking.

What is that?

- Get in the box.

- I'm not getting in that.
- Get in the box.

- This is a terrible idea.

♪ [music] ♪

- What? What?

Oh my God Phil, what
have you done to my legs?

- I was trying to make a llama
appear, and I think something
went wrong.

- You think something
went wrong?

If these are here, then where's
the other half of the llama?

And does it have my legs?

- I think it's best not
to think about that.

- What do I do?

- I mean it looks really great.

- That is not the point.

- I'm sure it's just temporary.

- You're sure it's temporary?

- Yeah.

- Well, how's about I make this
whole stupid magic trick
disappear?

Give me your outfit.

Okay, really? Phil, can you
please take this seriously?

Thank you. Very impressive.
Right, jacket.

And the hat.

Oh, oh, he gets sympathy?

Really, people? I
don't believe this.

I am going to work out what to
do about my little furry
situation here.

Phil, while I leave you alone,
please just stick to what we do
on YouTube.

- Okay. All right.

- Well bye, I guess. Oh no.

- I think it looks great.
Look at his little tail.

- Oh, please.

- Well, I guess
it's just us then.

[cheering]

So Dan said I should
stick to what I know.

I mean normally I'd be
fondling my house plants, but...

...maybe not that one.

I don't have my laptop.
I don't have my video camera.

Hey, maybe I could try pressing
some of these microwave buttons.

Here we go.
Three, two, one...

Well that was an anticlimax.

I think they're broken.
Should I give it a kick?

[audience] Yes!

[explosion] Woah!

You didn't see that.
Don't tell Dan.

What have we got?
What is this?

I'm just gonna put this back
exactly how it was. There we go.

It's a button that
says "Push me."

[cheering]

Okay. If something goes wrong,
it is totally your fault.

Here we go.

Oh no.

Is everyone okay?

[cheering]

Is anyone scared of the dark?

Okay, alright. I'll press it
again. I'll press it again.

Let there be light.

That felt powerful.

Hey, something's appearing on
the microwave. What do we have
here?

Oh! You're not meant
to see that or that!

Or that!

Hey!

[cheering]

Looks like we've stumbled
across Dan's selfie collection.

Oh.

It's his unsuccessful selfie
collection. What else have we
got?

Oh no, that is not a good angle.

Let's move on from that one.

Oh, I think that's a classic
case of accidental front camera.

We've all done that right
before, guys. Got any more?

Oh no!

[cheering]

I don't even want to
know what is going on there.

Let's move on.

Oh, it's my Weird Kid Files.

I know
how to talk about this.

I think I got to where I am
today by being a rather strange
individual.

I've got a 2007 MySpace haircut.
I'm terrified of cheese.

I wear un-matching socks.
What have I got on today?

Foxes and sloths.

[cheering]

I think this all stems back to
the fact that I was a rather
strange child.

Let's have a look at young Phil.

There I am.

That was me, back when I
was conjoined to a Zebra.

Me and Susan
had great times together.

Let's have a look at some of the
reasons why this guy was a weird
kid.

Oh, the broken arm.

I'd like to introduce you all
to my old school friend Roger.

One fateful July, Roger became
the coolest kid in school.

It wasn't because of
his shiny Zubat card.

It wasn't because his brother
worked at the bowling alley,

which at the time, I thought
was the best job ever.

It was actually because
Roger had a broken arm.

I was so jealous.

He got time off school.

He had a special helper that
would write out all of his
homework for him.

People would
even draw on his cast.

[cheering]

Which obviously I was
super jealous of.

So I decided that I wanted
a broken arm like Roger,

but I couldn't do it
to myself on purpose.

I had to make it happen
"accidentally".

I put toys at the
top of the stairs,

in the hope that I'd trip over
them and fall down the stairs.

I climbed the tallest and
flimsiest tree and hoped that a
branch would snap.

Yeah, just appreciating the
Photoshop on that one.

Even on my birthday, I blew out
all the candles on my cake,

and my wish to the
cake genie was,

"Please break my
arm, cake genie."

I mean you gota
respect that cake genie.

Sadly I never did break my arm,

although I did break my hand in
a piggyback race at university.

Turns out broken bones are a
lot less cool when you're 18.

That is a reason why
I was a weird kid.

[cheering]

Let's see what other
stories we've got on here.

Oh, fish.

When I was six, I went on a
holiday to Portugal with my
parents and my grandma.

One day, she was watching me
swim an entire length of the
pool, underwater.

That's what I look like when
I'm swimming underwater.

When I came up for air she said,

"Oh Phillip. I think
you are part fish."

Now, six-year-olds tend to
take things quite literally.

So from that moment on I
thought it was my destiny

to become some
kind of superhero,

Fish Boy.

[cheering]

Yeah, watch out Captain America.
Fish Boy's in town.

Now everyone knows a superhero
needs some way to activate their
powers.

So when I got back from holiday,
I went up to the tank of my pet
fish Frank, and...

... I ate some of his fish food.

Yes. I actually ate fish food in
the hope it would transform me
into Fish Boy.

Didn't actually taste that bad.

It was kind of like some cereal
you'd find down the back of the
sofa.

I'd eat that, over cheese,
any day of the week.

Thankfully that didn't poison
me, but I never did fulfill my
fishy dreams.

That is another reason why
I was a weird kid.

Must have room for one more
story on here. Let's have a
look.

Oh, moving away.

This is an Amazing Phil
exclusive. I have not told this
one before on the Internet.

[cheering]

As a kid, nothing was cooler
or more mysterious

than someone who was
moving out of town.

Where were they going?
Who were they?

What secret mission
was their family on?

It was all
I could think about.

So I decided I wanted to be
that cool, mysterious kid.

So I lied to all my friends and
said I was moving to America.

[cheering]

I said we had a house on
the outskirts of Vegas.

I said my mum... [laughter]

I said my mum had got
a job at the White House,

which in my head was
totally near Las Vegas.

Although maybe Obama has
a second White House,

and that's where he
keeps all the UFOs.

There's a conspiracy
theory for you.

So I was expecting to tell all
my friends and them to be like,

"Phil, we're so sad you're
leaving. We've erected a giant
statue in your honor."

Turns out seven-year-olds aren't
that sentimental about
friendship,

because they were just like,
"All right, okay. Have fun. Bye
Phil."

Have fun?

That's all I was
worth to you, Roger?

I was crushed.

It's like a steamroller
had run over my emotions.

So obviously I never
did move to America,

but I had to come up with
some kind of excuse.

So I said that we'd been out
there for a month, but we had to
come back

because the sun was too
strong for my pale skin.

That's me after being outside
for two minutes. It's a real
problem.

Although, I did come back
with a fake American accent.

So I was like, "Oh, howdy,
guys. I'm back from America."

[cheering]

That was better than the one I
did earlier. I'm improving.

But that is another reason why I
was a definitely-not-American,

but really weird kid.

[cheering]

- Phillip Michael Lester, you
have no idea what I have just
been through.

Oh yeah, hey everyone.

- Hey. You got your legs back.
See, I told you it'd be
temporary.

- Right. I know you did
technically win that last
7-Second Challenge, but please

just promise me no more magic

- Okay. No more magic.

- Thank God. Right.

So what were you guys
up to while I was having fun?

- Oh, loads of stuff.

Nothing involving
your selfie folder though.

- My what? Wait. What were
you looking at guys?

- We were actually talking
about why I was a weird kid.

- Oh, so you're going to be here
for like three hours then. I can
go sit down.

- No. We're done with
my weird kid stories.

I thought we could get
some from these guys.

- Okay, sure.

- Check this out, Dan. Let's
have a look at our first victim.

- Okay, I see. We have our first
weird kid in the window of
shame. Nice.

- Yeah, and it is
Elizabeth, who says,

"I used to tie my shoelaces
together and run down the
street."

- You used to deliberately
tie your shoelaces together?

What is wrong with you?

- I mean I know they say
snowboarding is an extreme
sport,

but shoelace tying is
a whole other level.

- Tie it. Let's do
this. Okay. Wow.

I mean I just have no idea why
you would do that to yourself.

- Yeah. Well, actually I did do
that to myself at school so I
could get attention.

- Wait. What?
- Yeah.

- You tripped yourself up to
get sympathy? Phil. Okay.

- Yeah I said it
was someone else.

- They're all like, "Aw." Guys,
it works. He got the sympathy.

- It worked. Yeah. That was
really weird of me as well,

but as I sympathize with it,

I think we need to give these a
weirdness ranking, out of five.

- Well, how weird is
Elizabeth's story?

- I'm going to
give that a three.

- All right. Well, thank you,
Elizabeth. - Well done.

- Okay. Wow.

Three rotating Phil child
faces, out of five.

- Yeah, definitely earned them.
Let's see who's next.

- It's Stephanie.

- I used to talk to an imaginary
person outside the window on the
fifth floor.

- Okay.
- What?

- Height aside, that's really
creepy. Just saying.

- That's like something
from a horror movie.

- It's like, "Oh, hey there,
Stephanie. What you doing?"

"Talking to the ghost of
the girl I used to know."

Ah!

- Although my brother did have
an imaginary dog called Lasagna.

Just putting that out there.

- Wait. An imaginary
dog, called Lasagna?

- Yeah, we had to put food
out for it. Yes.

- Okay. You have just
one-upped her. Wow.

- I know. But let's be
honest, that's pretty weird.

- It is. - So I think I'm going
to give that a four.

- A four for Stephanie. All
right. Thank you very much,
Stephanie.

- Who's next?

- Abigail.

- I used to pretend to eat my
stuffed animals at night.

- What?

[mimics Attack On
Titan theme] Wow.

When anime goes too far. Okay.

- All that's going through my
head is "Toy Story." Think of
the children.

- Oh my god. They go to a
kindergarten. It's like, "What's
it like being Abigail's toy?"

"Don't talk about nighttime!"

Hey, Woody. Where you going?

Argh! Argh! Argh!
Wow.

- I mean you know... Yeah, I
think that's really weird as
well.

- Come on. It has to be.

- I'm going to say
that's a four.

- Yep. Thank you, Abigail.
- Well done.

- All right. Extremely
disturbing.

- Who's next?

- Shadi. Wait a minute.

- I used to have a crush on
Timon from The Lion King.

I mean he is a pretty sexy
meerkat. Let's be honest.

- Right. Yeah. I would.
Just saying. Wow.

The Lion King. I have always
thought it was a gateway to the
furry fandom.

I'm just putting that
out there, seriously.

But hey guys, guys. This is a
zero-meerkat-shaming zone.

You said you liked it. Come on.
We can't procrastinate.

- All right. As we're not
shaming someone for liking a
cartoon meerkat,

I'm gonna give it a two.
- Thank you.

- Well done.

- You have nothing to be ashamed
of. We all relate. Next one.

It is Heather.

- I used to lick ants off trees.

- Heather? What is wrong with
you? - That's horrible.

- I mean I guess they might
be quite nutritious.

- Okay, Phil. Please
explain this one to me.

- I mean you know some people
are raised by wolves.

Maybe Heather was
raised by anteaters.

- Oh, that is obviously the
explanation, Phil.

- That's like a residual
instinct thing.

- Well, if anybody is sat next
to somebody chowing down on a
bucket of ants

instead of popcorn, that's
Heather, and it's completely
normal.

- That's really weird. I'm going
to give that a four.

- Yeah, thank you, Heather. All
right. You do you, Heather.
Okay.

- Yes. Who's next?

- And Thurlene...

- I used to melt the faces of my
Barbies and stick them together.

- What?

- Okay, you have one-upped the
other toy story, seriously.

I mean oh, my God.

- That's horrifying. I'm going
to be dreaming of that for
years.

- I'm just thinking of like a
toy support group now. What are
they thinking about?

- Maybe they're just trying to
create like the ultimate
superhero Barbie.

- The super Barbie. I'm in pain.
Please kill me.

- Let's be honest. Judging from
everyone's reactions...

- I'm incredibly disturbed.
- That's a five.

- A five out of five. All right.
Well done.

- Wow. I think that's an
incredibly disturbing place to
end our weird kids.

- [Together] Thank
you, everyone.

You have so much to be proud of.

- I feel better about my weird
kid stories as well. So thank
you.

- Aw, well there we go.

Say, Phil, where did you get
that weird magical button from,
by the way?

-Oh, this?
- Yeah.

- Definitely not from kicking
the microwave and breaking it.

- Wait, what? What happened
while I was gone guys? What did
Phil do?

- I'm just going to go
back here and fix...

- Fix?
- Nothing at all. Bye, guys.

- Oh. Bye Phil.

Well, I guess it's just us then.
Hey, everybody. Hi.

I guess if Phil did Weird Kid, I
should do something from my
YouTube channel.

Let's see, we got me
here on this stage,

you guys out there
in the audience,

oh, and a whole lot of
emotional baggage.

Am I right? Am I right?

Okay. Okay. I think we're
all on the same wavelength.

What should I do, guys?

- [Crowd] Internet
Support Group!

- Internet support group. I was
thinking the same thing. Oh
yeah.

Just one small issue with that.
Phil destroyed the Internet,
didn't he?

So I'm wondering how
that's gonna work.

[phone ringing]

Well, that's ominous.

[phone ringing]

Am I answering the
mystery telephone?

Yeah. Sure. What could
go wrong, right?

♪ [music] ♪

Really? Really?

Uncle Dan's Phone Support
Hotline? That's what Internet...
Okay.

Sure. Sure. This is happening.
Isn't it? Hello? Oh, sorry.
Sorry. Speak up.

Hello?

- Hi, Dan. My name is Paulina,
and I'm from California.

- Oh. We have our first caller
on the phone support hotline.
Right.

Well hey there, Paulina. What do
you want to ask your old Uncle
Dan?

No. Okay. That's creepier
than I thought it'd sound.

- My problem is that my God is
Shrek, and my parents won't
accept my religion.

[cheering]

- Really? That's how we're
starting this? Okay.

Well, Paulina, as you know,
Shrek is our one true green Lord
and savior, it is true.

As they say, Shrek is
love, Shrek is life.

Guys, we're on the same
team here. You know what?

I think, Paulina, your parents
just need to accept that since
discovering him,

it is all ogre for
you now. Okay.

There we go. Good start.

Hello, welcome to the
phone support hotline.

- Hi, Dan. I'm Jay,
and I'm from California.

- Jay from California. Hey.
What would you like to ask?

- My problem is that I have
the same type of shirt,

and it's all I ever
wear. Please help.

- Okay. Wow. Like me and that
thing I wore in 2015. Same
outfit every day.

Well, Jay, fashion advice. When
it comes to style, I say there
is only one rule.

One color that solves every
problem. What am I talking
about?

[audience] Black!

Guys, I am so proud of you, yes!

Jay, it doesn't matter if it's
the same shirt.

You just pile black
on black on black

and if it ever gets too hot in
the summer, just don't go
outside.

It's simple. Thank
you, Jay. All right.

1-800-CRISIS.
You're on the line.

- Hi, Dan. My name is Alex,
and I'm from California.

- Alex, what is your problem?

- My problem is I've been in the
anime pit for four years. Will I
ever escape?

- The anime pit. Well, I just
heard like 50 people go, "Same."

Our generation, man.
There is no hope.

Well, Alex, I think you just
need to accept that you are a
weeb trash can,

and you will never climb out of
this pit like the rest of us.

Your life is over! Okay!

I'm just gonna put
this out there.

This is usually the point in a
regular Internet support group

where I'd have a little beverage
to keep me going. You know what
I'm saying?

[llama noise]

Oh, not that thing
again. What do you want?

Does that have a name? I feel
like the llama should have a
name.

Any ideas, guys? What
could we call it?

Susan.
Very inventive. Okay.

Carl? Carl.

Phil. Really?

Larry. Larry the... Okay. Wait
a minute. Wait a minute. Okay.

Larry the llama.

Are you saying that because
that's good alliteration?

Or because you're a
One Direction fan?

[cheering]

Guys, we are not going
there right now.

Hey there, Larry, my fluffy
friend. What have you got back
here for me?

Oh guys, I think this is the
drink I was expecting. Okay.

This should make things easier.
Here we go. All right.

Wait a minute.

Non-alcoholic grape
juice? Really?

Sure. Fine. Right, whatever.
Let's get this over with.

[ringing]

Hi.

- [Sari] Hi, Dan. My name is
Sari, and I'm from Utah.

- Hey. What do you want?

- My question is, how do I avoid
always saying the most awkward
things

at the wrong time and
coming off as an idiot?

- Okay. Spoken like somebody
who really suffers.

Talking to people is hard, guys.
How do you make friends?

What I always say is you should
introduce yourself to people
with a pun.

Seriously, it never goes wrong.

You go up to the cool kids,
hand them an ice cube and say,

"Ice to meet you,"

and then you just drop whatever
you're holding and walk away.

The thing is, at that moment,
they'll either just go,

"Wow," and you'll know
where you stand,

or you've found your new
best friends. Seriously.

It works every time.

Thank you, Sari. Okay.

- Hi, Dan. I'm Samantha,
and I'm from California.

- Samantha, hey. What would
you like to ask?

- My question is, how do I ask a
girl out that I really like?
She's really pretty.

- Aww. Okay.

- Samantha, the answer is you
don't try to get real people

because they can
hurt your feelings.

Instead, you should just date
fictional characters in your
mind.

They will never betray
you, seriously.

I have been dating all of Evan
Peters' American Horror Story
characters for months now.

It's going really great.

Thank you, Samantha.
Good luck. Right.

Wow. This is my life.

Hi.

- Hi, Dan. My name is Sandy, and
I'm a mommy from Victorville,
California.

- Okay. We got a parent. Do we?
Okay. I'm going to need this.

Are there any other
parents here?

How many mums do we have in
the audience tonight?

Oh Wow. Quite a few.

Hey, ladies. How you
doing? You good?

Well, you know what? You do not
need to worry about anything

because me and Phil, we are
super educational, and we're a
really great influence.

Right guys?

[cheering]

You do not need to worry
about anything, Sandy.

You have yourself
a lovely evening.

Don't tell them anything, okay?

Oh, got another one. Sure.

[loud music] John Cena!

Right. I guess it doesn't matter
whether it's on a phone or back
on the Internet,

you guys are just
gonna troll me, huh?

Yeah, yeah, you
little... uh, I mean...

I mean...

I love my audience.

Thank you for coming tonight.

[ding]

- Hey, Dan.

- Oh. Hi, Phil. Why are you in
the microwave?

- Well, I was thinking about
what we do on YouTube.

- Yeah.

- And about how creative
all of these guys are

and how we should do
something to celebrate it.

- Yeah. Well, that's a nice
idea. What'd you have in mind?

- Well, I found...

- Found? Oh, no, Phil.
What is it this time?

- This.
- Um...

[cheering]

- Wow. Well, that is definitely
the most fabulous trolley

I've ever seen in
my entire life.

Wait, oh, sorry. Or should I
say shopping cart?

Right, yep. Need
to use the lingo.

- I think it really sums
up my personality.

- Yeah. I think we'd all
agree with that, Phil.

- Yeah, well guess what? There's
one back there for you as well.

- Really?
- Go get it.

- There's one for me?
- Yeah.

- Okay. All right. I wonder what
mine looks like. Let's see.

Dan's shopping cart
looks like this.

Would you look at that?

It is literally just
completely black. Wow, okay.

But it does have a huge D on
the front. There we go. D.

[cheering]

I am not even going to
acknowledge that. Okay, right.

So what do we have in
these carts of joy, Phil?

- Well, they're filled
with arts and crafts

and things that these
guys have made.

- Oh, okay. So I guess you're
saying in this weird no-Internet
version of things,

this is kind of like the...

- The Tumblr tag in real life.

- Oh, no, Phil. What have you
done? What have you done?

- Crafty Corner.

- Things better not get
like Dan and Phil crafts,

or I'm gonna start crafting
in a minute. Okay.

- Hey, Dan. Hey, Dan.

Pro tip.

- Phil.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- YouTube comments have not
recovered from pro tip yet.

You cannot bring that up.

- Hey. Let's have a look at...
- So what have you got?

- I have... Oh, Dan.
We found mel-apples.

- Oh, my god. Oh, god. It's
actually mel-apples.

- It's so good.

- Okay. Someone
actually painted that.

- That is so well-painted. I
mean look at that detail.

- I'm just gonna put
this out there.

That is a lot better than the
one that Dill painted. I'm just
saying. Okay.

- I know.

- We could put that up in our
house and live a bit of Dill.

- Definitely.

- Or maybe not, as then maybe
aliens who come and abduct us,
like Tabatha.

Seriously. What is
going to happen?

- That would be bad.

But this is a beautiful object.
- It is.

- So thank you very
much to Catherine.

- Thank you, Catherine. All
right. That is beautiful. Okay.

Let's see what I have first.

It's a trophy for being
Phil trash number one.

[cheering]

Ha ha. Very appropriate. Wow.
It's got the whiskers.

It says, "2009 to
infinity." Okay.

Really? Wow.

Really? Wow. I guess it's
official now, guys.

- Yeah. Do you feel like you
need to do some kind...

- Thank you, Jazmine.
- Thank you.

- Okay. Hey. Oh, great.

- All right. So what
have we got next?

Dan, look at this!

- Wait a minute.

- This is Dan with Kanye
and me with Buffy.

- Really?
- That's so good.

- Those are so detailed.
- I know.

- I love how longingly I'm
looking at Kanye in this
picture.

I'm just like, "Dad."

I mean... I don't
know what to say.

- Meanwhile, me and Buffy are
just eyeing up the camera like,
"Oh, hey."

- Hey, how you doing?

Well, that is just another
beautiful piece of art

that I am going to frame
and keep in my bedroom.

- [Together] Thank you, Ray!
- All right! Beautiful!

Okay. Looks like we've got
some more art now guys.

Let's see what it is.

It's a beautiful canvas
painting of Dan as Shrek.

- That is one of the best things
I've ever seen with my eyes.
That is incredible.

- This must have taken so long
for somebody to actually make.
Wow. Well, I

Well I mean, mean
it's very accurate.

This painting has no
soul. I have no soul.

Seriously. I would
suit being an ogre

- You definitely do.

- Is this what I've inspired?
Shrek fan art? Really?

- I know my place. This is just
as great as the other art.

Thank you Isabella.

- Oh, wow. I see your Shrek
art, and I raise you...

a baby Dil!

Look at this!

That's kind of disturbing
and cute at the same time.

- I am equally
terrified and happy.

- Wow. I mean, somebody
gave us a Dil doll.

I don't really know
what to say about that.

[laughter]

- Keep it going, Dan.

- I didn't mean to say that.
Okay. Let's just move on.

It's like a beautiful family
portrait, look at that.

[cheering]

Thank you for this.
There we go.

It looks like there's just
one thing left in mine.

- Okay.

- I will say, when you said
Tumblr in real life, I thought,

"Oh, no. It's all
gonna be creepy,"

but there have actually been
some really beautiful pieces of
art.

Haven't there?
- Yeah, really great.

- So let's see what Dan has
last. - What's this?

- It's a whisk covered in memes.

[cheering]

Really? You give this?

You have not seen what
I have seen, okay?

You cannot just bring
this back into my mind.

This...I appreciate
your support.

I'm gonna go erase
this from my memory.

Thank you, Sally. Okay.

I feel like that is a good time
to end this segment. Okay.

- Wait. Dan, Dan, Dan. There's
one more thing in there.

- Is there? What is it?

- Yeah. It's the pop-up
book of fan art.

- Whoa. Phil. I don't think you
should have picked this up.

- Should we open it?

- Don't ask them.
- Okay.

- Okay, fine, whatever.

- Three, two, one.

Whoa!

- Whoa. What is that?
Why is everybody naked?

- What is Benedict
Cumberbatch doing?

- They're all on
top of each other.

- Is this legal?

- Phil, there's flaps.
There's pop-up flaps.

- I don't like flaps.

- Phil, we've come
this far. We have to.

- Three, two, one.

Whoa! Stop. Stop.
Stop all of this.

You know what, guys?
I take it all back.

Here I was earlier saying,

"Hey. We're stuck in this
weird no-Internet universe.

I think we should just stick to
what we do on YouTube in real
life.

After all, what can go wrong?"

Well, it turns out the answer
is literally everything.

- Well, I hate to say
I told you so, Dan,

but I said we should
try something new.

You know? Something like...

- No, Phil, Phil. Don't do this.

[cheering]

♪ [music] ♪

♪ Whenever I'm alone... ♪

- Okay, stop! Stop. Stop
the music. Hey, hey. Okay.

I've got an idea.

If microwaving your laptop
got us into this mess,

then maybe the microwave
can get us out of it.

- What? Dan, no!

Dan, what are you doing?
That could be dangerous. Dan.

- Bye, Phil.

- Come back. Dan.
Where are you going? Dan!

- Well, this is weird.
- Oh. Hey, Dan.

- Phil?

- What are you doing over there?

- I don't know. What are you
doing over there?

- Oh. Uh-oh.
- I'm spinning.

- This feels weird.

♪ [music] ♪

- Phil. Phil, give me
a hand. [grunting]

Oh, Phil. Look at all these
people that are here to see us.

- Hello. Why are they wearing
such old-fashioned clothes?

- Who understands kids these
days? Right? Are you ready?

- Yes. [grunting]

- Now for the hard part. Oh. Oh.

- Hello.
- Hello, everyone.

- Hello.
- Hello there.

- Hey. All right. Here we are.

Let's plug
our brains into the hyper-web

and get some questions from
our audience on Pewdie-tube.

Ask me the question, old friend.
- The question?

- Oh, yes. The question.

Can you do the
whiskering on me, Phil?

[cheering]

Yes! Here we go.

- There's your nose.
- Thank you very much.

- Whisker.
- One.

- Whisker.
- Two.

- Whisker.
- Three.

- Whisker.
- Four.

- Whisker.
- Five and six.

- Thank you very much. Right.
Let me do you.

Okay. There's your nozzle.

One, two, three.
- Oh, that feels nice.

- Other side. Four, five,
and six. There we go.

[cheering]

Why Phil, how many years have
we been doing this together?

- Oh, I think this is the 75th.

- Oh, 75 years. Wow.

It's hard to remember after all
those Sharpie fumes we inhaled,
hey?

- Yes. I had a little sniff
before we came through the door.

- Not in front of people.
That's our secret.

- Sorry. Let's begin.

- Time for the first question.

Phil, what is your favorite song
that is stored on your brain's
hard drive?

- I think that must be the
collaboration between the
reunited One Direction...

- Yes. Yes. That's a
thing that happened.

- And the robot My
Chemical Romance.

- Oh, yes.

Zane and Metal Gerard sing such
beautiful harmonies together.

- What a tune.

- It's a shame though that Nile
Horan can't play his guitar
anymore,

ever since he transplanted his
consciousness into that potato.

- At least he's proud
of where he comes from.

- Indeed.

- Let's see what's next.

iPhone 68 or
Samsung Galaxy 17,546?

- Oh, Phil. You know
I have to say Apple

or they'll shut down my
iCloud brain storage.

- All my memories are
backed up there.

- What is your favorite memory?

- From my whole life?
- Yes.

- I know. Probably when our
book, "The Amazing Book is Not
on Fire..." Oh. Yes.

Yes.
- Hashtag spon.

- Can't forget that.
Very important.

It went on to become the
bestselling book in the entire
universe.

- Yes.
- Yes. Yes, it did.

Why, even President Beyonce
had a copy in her toilet.

- Oh, yes. What a wonderful
leader she was.

- Indeed.

- What is your worst memory?

- Probably when those alien
invaders banned all memes from
the Internet.

Oh yes, young Dan was
very sad that day.

- Oh, what a terrible
time. Poor Pepe.

- Let's move onto something
more fun, shall we?

- Yes.

- This one brings me back. Phil,
do an impression of your
favorite animal.

- Oh, okay. [noise]
Wa-ka-ka-kow!

[laughter]

- What was that, Phil?

- It was the squirrel shark.

- Oh, yes. The squark.
- Yes.

- King of the seas and the
trees, one may say.

- Ever since they started
splicing animals together, I
just had to catch them all.

- You're a weird guy, Phil. I
think we have time for one more.

- Oh, yes. Let's see.

Oh, you'll like this one buddy.

- Really?

- Set your hip settings to twerk
for four seconds.

- Oh, I don't know. It
sounds like they'd like us to.

- Shall we do it?
- Okay.

- All right.
- Give us a moment.

- Okay. Oh. Okay.

- Right. Three, two, one.

Here they go.

I remember this sensation
from back in the day.

It's like being young again.

What? Stop, stop, stop. Phil!

Phil, what happened?

- I think that was one twerk
too many, old chap.

- I don't understand, Phil.
What are you saying?

- I think I'm dying.

[screaming]

- No. No. Phil, you
can't be serious.

- At least I died doing
something I loved.

- Phil? Phil?

- Nooooo!

Wait a minute. A microwave?

No, no, this isn't
supposed to happen.

Don't worry, Phil. I
am going to save you.

Here we go. And [grunting].

Bloody hell.

Don't worry. I got this. Okay.

Let's try again. Oh.

You can steal a lot
of cereal in one lifetime, huh?

[grunting]

Right. Into the microwave
you go, Phil.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

Can't forget these, can I?
They were bloody expensive.

And... [beep].

Bye.

[rewind noise]

[beep]

- Ah. Oh my god.

That was
absolutely terrifying.

- Yeah, twerking to death?
Miley would be proud.

- Phil, you don't seem very
concerned by what just happened
to you there.

- Yeah I know, but if that's
fashion in the future, I don't
want any part of it.

- Well, Phil, don't
you see? That was it.

- What?
- That was our future.

- What's wrong with it?

- Nothing really, just to think
that we'll be doing exactly the
same thing

for another 68 years?

I mean okay, I guess
that isn't a bad thing.

But does that mean that
nothing else happens?

We're just stuck repeating
the same old things?

What if we never break
the mold, Phil?

What if we never find the
courage to attempt something new
and exciting

we've never tried before?

Are we all just slaves to
this predetermined destiny

on a linear path through
time and space?

Oh, what's the point?

- Dan, no, you're
gonna have a...

[alarm]

Oh no.

Dan?

Dan?

Dan?

Dan?

- Why do we exist?
- Oh, here we go.

- What is existence?

- Sorry guys. He
does this sometimes.

I think we should listen to what
Dan has to say, and I might as
well sit here.

- If there's no higher purpose
to life, then what's the point
in doing anything?

How am I supposed to care about
what I do or what happens

if at the end of the day we're
all just inevitably going to
die?

We are all completely
meaningless in the grander
scheme of the universe.

At the end of the day, it makes
no difference whether we take
action

or just
surrender to oblivion.

- Right, that's enough.

We've been through a lot and we
all want to get out of this
strange situation,

but we can't lose you
now, Dan.

We can't fix anything if you're
just lying face-down on the
floor.

So come on.
Explain what's wrong.

Let's talk it out.

- [sighs]

[cheering]

- Why are we here, Phil?

Because I microwaved my laptop.

- What are we doing?

- Trying to entertain
these guys, hopefully.

[cheering]

- But what's the point?

- Because entertainment is
distraction from all the
problems in real life, Dan.

We can make people laugh.
We can make people think.

Drawing whiskers on our noses
and answering questions

might not seem that
important to us,

but to some of
these guys, it is.

[cheering]

- Okay, okay, I suppose.

I guess I just feel like my
whole life is laid out ahead of
me.

I'll never try new things.

I'll spend the rest of my life
stuck behind a screen, making
YouTube videos.

I guess I just don't really feel
in control of what's been
happening here, you know?

[evil laughter]

Phil? What was that noise?
Did a weird thing happen again?

[engine revving up]

What's that? Guys?

What the... What was that?

[laughing]

- It's a car.

- Sherlock, everybody.

Yes Phil, I think we can
all see that it's a car.

But why is it here?

- Hey look, it's got that
weird question mark on it

that keeps appearing
on all the screens.

- Wait a minute. This was on the
back of that bloody mysterious
card earlier, wasn't it?

Okay, I see what's going on
here. Well there is no way I'm
going near that.

- Dan, this could be a clue. I
think we need to inspect what
was in the monster truck.

- Okay. Fine.

- What is it?
- They're scripts.

- What do they say?

- Oh Phil, I don't think we
should have picked these up.

♪ [music] ♪

[cheering]

- Oh no.

- Guys? Guys? Do you know what?

I have actually just decided
that I'm fine living in this
no-Internet universe.

I'm just gonna go over here.

- Dan, Dan! These were
sent here for a reason.

I think we need to
read the scripts.

[cheering]

- Okay, fine, whatever.
Right. Take this.

This is a terrible idea.

- [Female voice] In
the beginning...

- What?

- In the beginning? I thought
this was fan fiction, not the
Bible.

- Okay Phil, are you really
gonna question this? Or just let
it happen?

- Right, let's let it happen.

- In the beginning, there were
two boys named Dan and Phil.

Phil had jet-black hair,
darker than the night's sky,

and pale skin, whiter
than the purest snow.

- Hey!

- Hey what? I didn't write
this. It's true.

- And then there was Dan, as
obnoxiously tall as his sense of
humor.

- What? That was
totally uncalled for.

- Now, are Dan and Phil
pirates or cowboys?

You decide.

- Wait, what?

- You decide? Does she mean us?

Or does she mean these guys?

- Oh no. Okay, I see what's
happening here.

- Who wants us to be pirates?

[cheering]

And who wants us to be cowboys?

[louder cheering]

- Okay. I guess we're
cowboys apparently, Phil.

- Dan and Phil are cowboys.

- Nice. I might finally get a
tan. - Really? Okay.

- Open.
- You open it.

What is it?

- It's cowboy outfits!

- Really? Okay, sure, right.
What do we have?

Oh, tasseled vests. Wow.

It's like being in the
YMCA music video.

- Hey, with this scarf, I could
look like a fashionable dog on
Tumblr.

- That's all I've ever aspired
to. Right, what else is there?

- Hats.

- Yeah. Thank you, Phil.

Right, so are you ready to get
into character or whatever?

- Yes. Let's read the script.

[cheering]

Howdy there, partner.
Sheriff Lester is my name.

You're looking a little lost.

Is there something
I can do you for?

- [narrator] Phil said.

- You don't need to
say, "Phil said."

- You are not the
narrator, Phil.

- Whoa. Okay. Smack down.

- Sorry, scary woman in the sky.

- Phil said, as he put a hand
tentatively on the revolver by
his waist.

- Whoa. Ain't no need for that
kind of action, sir.

- We've had some strange people
around these parts, recently.

How can I know you're
not a troublemaker?

- I'm just a good, southern,
Christian boy, sir.

You ain't gonna get no trouble
from me. I'm just looking for
directions.

- Where to?

- Where did Dan and Phil go
next? - Uh-oh.

- Did they go into space? Or did
they go camping? You decide.

- Okay. Here we go again. Who
wants us to go to space?

[cheering]

And who wants us to
go camping together?

[louder cheering]

Well Phil, they chose camping.
I wonder why.

- Dan and Phil decided
to go camping.

- Oh. Toasty. Look out
for moths, everyone.

- Phil, please. That is the only
thing that could make this
worse.

Right, I'm opening this one.

- Okay.
- Okay. What do we have?

Hey, wait a
minute, does this work?

Alright, nowI can finally see
you guys. Hey. Hey. How you
doing?

In the middle, up at the top,
how you doing? All right?

Okay, wow.
That is bright. I'm sorry.

- Hey Dan. Look at this.

- Whoopah!

- Okay. There is no way
I'm getting in that.

- Just go with the script.

- Okay, fine, whatever.

- As the glistening moon shone
down on the emerald glade,

Dan could only hear the
whispering of the wind

blowing through the
other boy's hair.

[cheering]

- Alright, who wrote this
script, Stephanie Myer?

This seems like a nice
place to stay the night.

You don't
mind sharing the tent, do ya?

[cheering]

- Why, not at all.

Don't you think it's special,

being with another person, just
gazing up at the night sky?

[cheering]

- Dan saw the warm breath
evaporate out of Phil's mouth

and swirl gracefully towards
the darkness above.

- Oo-aaaah.

- Gracefully, Phil.
- Sorry. Haaah.

- Well, there's lots of things
you could do when no one else is
around,

if you catch my drift.

[cheering]

- Why, what'd you have in mind?

- What did Dan and Phil do next?

- Oh, no.

- Did they have a
delicious cake?

Or did Phil draw Dan
like a French girl?

- What?
- You decide.

- Well Phil, I don't feel like
we're about to get a cake.

- Okay. It's up to you guys.

- Who wants us
to have a delicious cake?

[mild cheering]

- Wow. Really? That's
how it is, huh? Okay.

Who wants me to draw Dan like
a French girl?

[loud cheering]

- Oh, okay.

- Phil decided to draw
Dan like a French girl.

♪ [Titanic-esque music] ♪

- Oh, I can't believe this.
Okay. Let's just get this over
with.

- Okay.

This must be my sketch book.

- Great. If it's
okay with you Phil,

don't drop a bowling
ball out of this one.

- I'll try my best.

- Phil prepared his sketch book,
and Dan got into a comfortable
position.

- Okay. Okay. Sorry, sorry.

What exactly is supposed to be a
comfortable position for me
here?

- You know, like Kate Winslet.

- Kate Winslet had a
chaise lounge, Phil.

Okay, fine, whatever. Okay.

[cheering]

- Phil gazed up at Dan, in awe
of the bounteous figure before
him.

- Okay. Thank you.

- Dan, I've never felt this
connected to another person's
spirit before.

[cheering]

- I want you to
capture me, Phil.

Create a memento of this
moment we shared together,

with a tribute to my body.

[cheering]

- Their eyes met, as Dan began
to slowly unbutton his shirt.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Okay, okay, okay.

Can we just pause
that right there for a second?

- Oh, but I was
enjoying my drawing.

[cheering]

- Okay, guys. You know what?
You know what? I'm sorry.

I don't want to solve the
mystery. I don't care who's
behind all of this.

I just don't want
to do this anymore.

[evil laughter]

Is the person behind this
actually gonna show their face
now?

[fog horn noise]

- Dan, something's happening.

- Phil, now is not the time
to do the robot.

- It's not me.

- What do you mean it's not you?

- I'm not in control of my body.

- This guy, what a joker.

[fog horn]

Oh God, Phil, Phil. It's
happening to me too.

I think I'm possessed.

- I've got a prop.

- What? Another
prop? What is it?

- It's a bunch of plates.

- A bunch of plates? But why?

- I don't know.

- Should Dan and Phil
do the dishes? Or do the dishes?

- Do the dishes? What does
that mean?

Phil?

[plate smashing]

Well, that was dramatic.
Why'd you do that?

- It wasn't me.

- Do the dishes.

- Oh, no.

Oh, sorry. Okay.

I hit a bunch of you in
the face there. Didn't I?

I'm sorry about that. Oh, no.

Oh god.
- Sorry!

- Oh god. I'm sorry. - Guys, I'm
sorry! This isn't me.

- Do the dishes. Do the dishes.
D-d-do the dishes. Do the
dishes.

- Do the dishes.

- It's saying, "Do the dishes,"
but we're just smashing plates.

Who does that?

- Wait, Phil. I think I know
who's behind all of this.

- [Together] It's Dil!

♪ [music] ♪

[cheering]

- Dil, is it really you?

- [Simlish]

- Sorry. Excuse me?

- Yes, it's me, your
Sim, Dil Howlter.

- Right. Okay.

- But I don't understand.
How is he real?

- Well, I guess if everything
else exploded out of YouTube
into reality,

then so did he.

Except now Dil has had the power
to control us like Sims this
whole time.

♪ [music] ♪

- Dil, is that true?

- Dil?

- Yes.

- But I don't understand. Why
would you do all of this to us?

- Because I've had enough
of being controlled.

For over a year, I've had
to do whatever you said.

- Yeah.

- You made me clumsy. You forced
me to go on unsuccessful dates.

You made me sleep
in a clown suit.

- All of that is
technically true, Phil.

- Yeah.

- I thought it was
time for some revenge.

- Dil, we didn't mean
any of those things,

and we tried really
hard to fix everything.

- Yeah.

- I think we're just as clumsy
and awkward as you are.

- After all, Dil, you are just
supposed to be the combination
of both of us.

- I guess you're right,
but it's more than that.

I wanted to teach you
both an important lesson.

- A lesson? What lesson?

- Dan, you're worried
about your future

and if what you're doing
now has any importance.

Well it's important to me,

and I'm sure to these guys here.

[cheering]

Never doubt yourself.
Follow your dreams.

- Wow. Dil, what a
nice thing to say

Thanks for helping
with my crisis.

- And Phil, you're scared that
who you are isn't good enough.

You think you have to change
who you are to impress people

but look around.

[cheering]

Thousands of people just like
you have come here tonight

to see two nerds from YouTube.

- It's true. It's true.

- That's why they love you.

- [Together] Aww!

- Dil, that's so profound.

I don't need to be a
magician to feel accepted.

How can we thank you?

- You don't need to thank me.
Just don't mess up my
relationship.

- [laughing] Don't worry Dil.

You and Teabag are together
forever. Oh, yeah.

[cheering]

- Dan, I thought you were going
to stop calling her Teabag.

- Right, yeah, sorry. Sorry Dil.

- And Phil.
- Yeah?

- Stop microwaving things.

- Yeah, good point.

- Yes. I mean we'll try
harder Dil, I promise.

- But what now?

- I will return the world
back to how it was.

Just step into the microwave
when you're ready,

and you'll go back to
normal life with the Internet.

- Wow. Really? Well
thanks, I guess.

- Where's he going?

- Huh?

- I have no idea.
Let's just let him do his thing.

- Oh.
- Bye, Dil.

- Bye Dil.

Okay.

- Well that was a thing.

- Wait. You know, I think
what Dil said is right.

Making these YouTube videos
might not seem that important to
me sometimes,

but I guess to all the people
out there that find happiness or
even friendship

just through watching
what we make...

[cheering]

Well, that is pretty important.

- Yeah. You don't need to
change who you are to fit in.

We're just two losers that spend
all our time watching YouTube
videos.

We could all be losers together!

- Yeah!
[cheering]

You know what, Phil? I guess
that is the point of all this.

- Yeah.

- Well, there we go
then. End of the road.

Just head through there and have
the Internet again. See ya.

- Well actually...

there is one thing I've been
wanting to do this whole time.

[cheering]

- I really hope you're
not referring to...

[cheering]

♪ [music] ♪

♪ Whenever I'm alone,
or if I'm feeling gray ♪

♪ there's one place I can go
to brighten up my day. ♪

♪ It makes me want to sing.
That's how this show should
end. ♪

♪ But wouldn't it be good if I
could sing it with a friend? ♪

- Phil, I think you should have
asked before putting me on the
spot like this.

[cheering]

♪ Okay. Fine. Whatever.
I'll join in too. ♪

♪ [music] ♪

♪ I might go outside and feel
more alive. Without Twitter,
where would I be? ♪

♪ I guess I'd be fit. ♪

♪ I'd stop posting shi.... ♪
- Rubbish!

♪ But Tumblr's a part of me. ♪

♪ So many websites and so little
time. There's one or two you
should avoid. ♪

♪ Just don't stop watching
YouTube, or we'll be
unemployed. ♪

♪ [music] ♪

♪ The Internet is here.
The Internet is great. ♪

♪ When you've got lots of
followers, who needs a real
mate? ♪

♪ We might be antisocial,
but these days, that is fine. ♪

♪ Because life is so much better
when you spend it all online. ♪

♪ A place where you can be
yourself, no matter if you're
geeky. ♪

♪ Find friends that share your
hobbies, even if they're
creepy. ♪

♪ Where any question in your
head is answered in an instant.♪

♪ Who cares if you procrastinate
your one shot at existence? ♪

♪ [music] ♪

♪ The Internet is here.
The Internet is great. ♪

♪ When you've got lots of
followers, who needs a real
mate? ♪

♪ Without the Internet,
we never would have met. ♪

♪ We'd never be here on a stage,
doing things we might regret. ♪

- Dance break.

♪ [music] ♪

♪ Who cares if you're a loser,
and everybody knows it? ♪

♪ Or if you spend your life
drawing whiskers on your noses?♪

♪ Even if your chances
of getting tan are slim. ♪

♪ Or if you live vicariously
through life of a Sim. ♪

- [Simlish] Chiltay Zombo!

♪ [music] ♪

♪ The Internet is here.
The Internet is great. ♪

♪ When you've got lots of
followers, who needs a real
mate? ♪

♪ We might be antisocial,
but these days that is fine ♪

♪ Because life is so much
better, life is so much better,♪

♪ life is so much better ♪

♪ when you spend
it all online. ♪

♪ [music] ♪

[cheering]

♪ [music] ♪

- Come on, Phil.
Let's do it.

[cheering]
♪ [music] ♪

- Thank you, Hollywood!

- Thank you!

- You guys were awesome.

- Hope you enjoyed the show.

- We will see you guys back
on the Internet.

[cheering]
♪ [music] ♪

♪ [music] ♪