All language subtitles for Superstore s05e16_English

- For anyone who hasn't
already downloaded

the Zephra employee app,
you need to.

There's a bunch
of cool features.

For one, you get points
for helping customers--

- Ooh, I want points.

- Ooh, me too.
- What do points do?

- Looks like ten points
get you a badge,

and ten badges
get you a banner.

- Ooh.
- And what do banners get you?

- I don't know, Jonah,
the moon.

God, ten times a day
with this guy.

"What do banners get you?"

- It also uses your
location data

to automatically clock you in

when you enter the store,
so no need to swipe in

in the mornings anymore.
- Really?

[gasps] Hello,
extra half-hour of sleep!

- Extra half-hour?
Glenn, what is your

clock-in process?
- Oh, it's very involved.

- Can we all talk about whether
it's an invasion of privacy

for Zephra to force us
to download something

that can track our phones?

- Do we have to?
- Who cares?

- No, thank you.
- That's kinda boring.

- That's what every app does.

- Great debate, guys.
It's very useful.

- Also there's a product
locator, an inventory map,

and, uh, oh--
your Z-Shelf comes with

the CEO's autobiography
and an audio version

read by Emily Deschanel
from "Bones."

- Wow.
- What?

- Love her.
- I'm a total "Bones"-head.

- How are we supposed to use
any of this stuff

when we're not even allowed to
have our phones on the floor?

- The new policy says that you
can have your phones now.

In fact, you are expected
to carry them.

- [gasps]

- Holy [bleep].

[laughter]
- I am so happy right now.

- So to reiterate, we must
download an app that can

track our phones,
and then we must carry

our phones at all times.

And everybody here is just,
like, fine with that?

- Yes.
- Pretty much.

- Yeah.
- What's the problem?

- [scoffs]
- "Who Run the World? Me"

by Kira Moon.
Read by Emily Deschanel.

- [sighs]
- I could listen to that lady

read the phone book.

- I had nothing but
a seed loan from my father...

[upbeat music]

♪

[lively music]

- I linked the app to my
Facebook and checking accounts.

I got the Super Sharer badge.
- [sighs]

- [chuckles]
You hate this, don't you?

- I just don't love handing
giant corporations a way

to get my address, my contacts,
and all of my passwords.

- I already gave all of that up
to figure out which cat

from "Cats" I am.

Macavity, the magical one.
- What do you think

they're gonna do with
that information, anyway?

- A lot.

They can track
what you do, what you like.

They can scan your internet
searches for keywords

and then just send you ads for
things you were talking about.

- That just seems thoughtful.
- Yeah, but then they can just

package your data and sell it
to other companies.

- And then those companies
would give you the free help?

- I'm--I'm not doing it
justice.

- So you think you're so
fascinating that Zephra's

dying to learn which
Beach House album

you just preordered?

- Ah, the "I've got nothing
to hide" argument.

Where have I heard that before?
- Bible camp.

"In Christ I have nothing
to hide, nothing to prove,

nothing to fear,
nothing to lose."

- Hmm, is that where you
heard it, Jonah? Bible camp?

- Maybe.

- Hey, this cartoon thing
you sent me.

Is it supposed to be you
or, like, a depressing,

aged-up Dora?

- No, it's me.

You can design your own avatar
on the app.

- And the purple streak
in your hair?

- Well, yeah, that's just
for fun.

To see what it would look like.
I mean, it's not like I could

actually pull that off
in real life, right?

- Oh, yeah, definitely.

- Yeah.
Look, I can make you one.

- Oh, knock yourself out.

I never got into the whole
texting fad.

- Really? You've texted me.
- Yeah, to convey information,

but, like, sending someone
a little picture or something?

It's, like, what's the point?

- Well, sometimes you just feel
like sending someone an emoji

or, like, a GIF from a movie.

- Why? Why would you do that
to someone?

- Okay, never mind.
Here, look.

- Huh. Oh, that does kinda
look like me.

- Yeah, and you can change
the facial expressions.

- Whoa, I can change my race.
- Yes, but you shouldn't.

That's--
- See, I knew it.

People are always telling me

I'd be a beautiful
Indian woman.

- You should really change
that back, Dina.

Who--who--who says that?

- ♪ Say to me,
whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪

[tapping glass]

♪ I'll always be there
when you wake ♪

- Every time you take a trip
back and forth

to the stock room,
you earn points.

I'm already at
"Stockroom Fiend."

- Well,
I'm a "Stockroom Rockstar."

If I ever get "Stockroom Fiend"
again, kill me.

- [chuckles]
Seriously.

- If you click on the little
clock on the bottom,

it tells you how much time
you have left on your break.

- Wait, what?
- Yup. Eight minutes.

- Mine says six.

- Wait, they're timing
our breaks now?

- How do they even know that
we're in the break room?

- Hold on.
- It's GPS probably.

I bet it's GPS.

- So we're only allowed
to be in the break room

if we're actually on break now?

- Okay, it stops counting
out here.

- This isn't even a break.
This is just...

unofficial break room time.

- And now it's counting
down again.

- GPS.
Global Positioning System.

- You can't fit a whole
15-minute break

into just 15 minutes.

- I can't relax if
I know I'm being timed.

It's too much pressure.

- Stopped. Started. Stopped.

- So what if we leave our
phones outside the break room?

That way they won't know
when we're in here.

- A break without your phone?
- Do you hear yourself?

- Jesus, Justine,
either help or keep quiet.

- Now it's stopped again.

I'm 70% sure
this is what it is.

- My man, I made something
for you.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, try it on.

- What--what am I
looking at here?

- It's a hat lined
with tin foil

so Zephra can't hack
into your thoughts.

- Okay, all right, I get it.
So I'm just some sort of, like,

wacko conspiracy theorist
for thinking that

a tech conglomerate
just might want to check out

its employees' phone activity.
- Shh.

The lizard people are all
around us; they'll hear you.

Sorry, buddy. Not you.
You look totally normal.

- Okay, so you're so sure
that nobody's looking

you wouldn't mind if I took
your phone and just, like,

Googled a bunch of weird
porn or something?

- [laughs]
Be my guest.

If you think I haven't Googled
weird porn,

you're in for a treat.
- Okay, all right, fine.

Then what if I, uh,
what if I wrote

"How to murder my coworkers"?

- Doesn't bother me.
- You sure? 'Cause I--

'Cause I'm doing it.
- Go for it.

- Okay, I'm--here we go.
It's--I'm--I'm typing it.

- Type it.
- Into your phone right now.

- Great.
- Got it all queued up.

- Okay.
- Ready to send.

- Send it.
- I'm gonna send it.

- Press it.
- Pressing it.

- There you go.
- Boom.

- And I'm still here.

- Well, no one was saying
you would, like,

immediately disappear.
- Yeah, no, I know that.

I was just trying
to add some flair.

- We got hit with
a ton of graffiti

that we have to remove.

I'm not sure if it was a bunch

of different people...
[cell phone chimes]

Or just one guy
with a lot of range.

Sorry.
Text from Dina.

"Heads up, spill in Produce,"

with her avatar
surfing on a banana.

- Ooh, 'cause Produce!
- Yup, I'm guessing so.

At any rate, they spray painted
a pentagram in Toys & Games,

which I've just been telling
the parents

is a "Frozen" thing, so.
[cell phone chimes]

Sorry.
[cell phone chimes]

- Apple emoji, orange emoji,
grapes emoji...

- She's good at this.
- Yeah.

- Hey, Amy,
ignore the baseball.

I thought it was
a shelled coconut.

- All good.
Just, uh, trying to get through

some assignments here.

- Got it.
- Okay.

Okay, um, where was I?
Uh...

Oh, right--also, they
spray painted "Greta is God"

in the changing rooms, now--
[cell phone chimes]

Um, I'm not sure if they
meant Gerwig or Thunberg,

but not that it matters.
[cell phone chimes]

What I need is for you--
- Amy!

Check your phone!
This is a good one!

- It's a meme of Indiana Jones
cracking his whip.

- It's you, the boss!
Apparently, it's from a movie!

- Wow, generations
have changed, huh?

If it were me, I'd find that
incredibly annoying.

[cell phone chimes]

.

- It's obviously toothbrushes.

- Or is it teethbrush?
Like attorneys general?

[cell phone buzzes]

Are you gonna answer
any of those?

- [sighs]
It's Dina.

She won't stop texting.

- It is crazy how people act
like the rules of human decency

don't apply in the digital
space, especially be--

you're not listening.
- Yeah, I'm sorry,

I can only feign interest
in one conversation at a time.

Everything's in caps.
And when she sends

a long message, she sends
each word individually.

- Maybe you should
just mute her.

- You can mute people?
- Yeah, it's right here

in the settings.

- Ooh, that's a game changer.
- Boom.

- I mean, I feel kinda bad,
but it's too much.

- While we're at it, do you
maybe wanna change

your passcode to something
besides "0000"?

- Eh, if I did, I'd have to
change it on my debit card too.

- I know that's a joke.
Right?

- Not telling.

- Hey, man.

How's stuff been going
with you lately?

Anything new?
- No, not really.

- What are you writing?
A note to someone?

- No, I'm just doodling.
- Oh, yeah, nice.

Looks good, man.
You're talented.

Well, hey, I should
get back to it.

But I'm right over there if
there's any issues or anything.

- What issues?

- Well, I mean, not like
"issues," but, like,

if you need to talk
or tell me something,

or something happens
or whatever...

I'm around.

- Yeah, okay, thanks.
- No doubt.

- Sandra, did you catch that?
- Yeah.

Listened to the entire thing.
I'm always listening.

- Well, did it sound
weird to you?

He's never talked to me before.
- I don't know.

A lot of people have never
talked to me before.

[all shivering]

- I didn't know people took
their breaks out here.

- Mainly just smokers.

Usually cigarettes,
but sometimes crack.

- Oh, I would do anything
for some crack right now.

Just for the warmth.

- Well, the important thing
is we're not being timed.

So, you know, we can just
sit back and relax.

[all sighing]

- I'm so fricking cold.
- I know.

- I can't feel my hands.
- I'm also having a bad time.

- [groans]
- It's not that bad.

We're outside,
the sun is shining...

- [groans]
- I mean, it's not shining,

but whatever.
It's up there.

- We should warm up
by combining body heat.

[exhales]
Do you guys wanna press up

against each other?

- I'm going inside.
- Me too.

[all shivering]

- [sighs]

- Hey, did you get the link
I texted you?

- Uh, the link?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was funny.

- Oh, what was it? It--
some rando emailed it to me.

I was nervous it was a virus
or something.

- Um, I'm trying to remember.

You know, my brain is foggy.
Amy need coffee.

Want caffeine.
[grunts]

[laughs]
- I'm not sure what that was,

but it is not banter-ready.

- W-What are you doing?
- 0000.

- How do you know my password?
- I'm looking for that link.

Are you not getting
all my texts?

- Uh, maybe not.

You know, the service
around here is spotty.

- Why does it say "mute"
next to my name?

- Huh?

- Says "mute" next to my name.

- Oh, um, yeah.
Uh, so you were--

you were texting me a lot,

um, and my phone just kept
dinging and I couldn't really

get my work done, so I just
temporarily muted you.

- You--you muted me?
- Temporarily.

- Wow.
[scoffs]

Didn't realize
I was so annoying.

Maybe I should just sell my
voice to a sea witch,

become nothing but
a pretty, pretty face.

- N-no, Dina, come on.
It's not like that.

- Wait, so you didn't get my
security memo

about the Chafies?

- Chafies?
- Yes.

The fuel cans that
caterers use?

Teens are drinking them
to get high.

We have to put out red
label warnings.

- Red label warnings?

Dina, you can't just text me
something like that.

We could get in
a lot of trouble.

- Yeah, I know, that's why I
added my avatar like this.

I thought it was screaming,
but I guess I was silent,

because you muted me.
You took away my voice.

- Okay, well--
that's dramatic.

- So by that logic, it wouldn't
be a box of toothpicks,

it would be a box
of teeth-pick?

- No, no, because well--

[stammers]
Yeah, maybe.

- Yo, somebody broke
into my locker.

- What?
- Did they take anything?

- No, doesn't look like it.
Just looks like they

went through everything.
- Huh.

- You don't think this is
because of the Google search,

do you?

- N-no.
I mean, I--

[exhales]
I don't think.

- Sal used to break
into people's lockers.

But usually just to lick
their stuff.

- Yeah, that's probably it.

- Wanna know a secret?
- Always.

- I'm the one that broke
into his locker.

- Oh.
[chuckles]

You're a locker-licker too?

- No, no, it was revenge for
acting like I'm the crazy one.

- Oh.
- Yeah, I even got Ken

to act weird around him too.

- Oh, this is genius.
- [laughs]

- Can I help? I'm never
on the happy end of a prank.

- It's not a prank.
More like gaslighting.

But, uh, yeah, sure, whatever.

- Yes! Revenge of the losers!

- Oh, we don't have
to call it that.

[laughs]
- You got it, buddy.

- Apparently, teens are
drinking the slushie stuff

inside of these
for the alcohol.

So starting now, if anybody
buys one of these

without a warning and they die,
we're liable.

- Actually, starting
an hour ago.

We're a little delayed because
Amy was busy mean-girling me.

- I really think you're
blowing this out of proportion.

- I think I'm blowing
it into proportion.

- What if someone already
bought those,

but without a warning?

'Cause I just sold six
24-packs to a teenager.

- A teenager bought 144 cans
of chafing fuel,

and you didn't think
that was suspicious?

- I thought it was incredibly
suspicious!

That's why I remembered.

But look, he was
on a skateboard.

You can probably
still catch him.

- Well, we can try.
Come on, Dina.

- Wow, first you mute me,
then you kill a child.

Busy day for you.
- Nobody's dying.

- She said as the child dies.

.

- Do you see anybody?
Ooh, what about that guy?

Oh, no, that's just
a bag of leaves.

Kinda looked like
a person though, huh?

Hello?

Oh, right.

'Cause I muted you.
Got it.

You made your point.

[sighs]

- And so then I said to her,

"You're the one who
just got a raise.

Why don't you buy
the dryer balls?"

- Yeah, man, uh, I'm cool
to show you in silence.

- Thanks, but I need to get
this out.

And let me tell you, that is
not what she wanted to hear.

So she starts in with,

"You're just threatened
by a woman--"

- Hold on a sec.

What the hell?
- Oh, cool.

Is this racism?
- No.

And don't be so
excited about it.

- Sorry.

- We're going back, yeah, yeah.
And front, stop, turn around--

oh, yeah, I can go
that way too, buddy.

- Jonah, you are the new
prank king.

- Again, it--it's not a prank.
I'm--I'm teaching Garrett

a lesson.

- We're gonna be legends
after this.

"Jonah and the Kid"
I bet they'll call us.

- Uh-huh.

- [breathing heavily]

Oh.
Everyone's in the men's room.

Even some ladies.
- The app can't track us here.

- Okay, I'm just gonna--

- You know, I actually prefer
this to the break room.

- Excuse me.
- It's cozier,

the lighting's better,
there's a nice little echo.

Whoa, whoops.

- Yeah, I just wish it didn't
smell so much like farts.

- The break room
smelled like farts.

- Yeah, but you didn't know
if that was from actual farts.

You could just tell yourself
it was someone's gumbo

or something.

- How's the peeing going?
- Fine.

- Really?
I can't hear anything.

- Guys, I don't think
this is working, either.

- Nope.

- Do you guys look?
'Cause I would totally look.

- [clicks tongue]

Maybe we should do another
lap around the park?

'Cause teens still drink
in the park, huh?

It's what they do, still?
[laughs]

[cell phone chimes]

- Oh, so you do
read your texts.

- I'm sorry, it's Jonah.
I thought it was important.

- And what did that
androgynous sex robot say

that was so important
you needed to read it

while driving?

- "Getting Garrett good."
With a GIF of Nancy Pelosi

clapping from
the Speaker's chair.

- Mmm.
Totally worth dying for that.

- Dina, I am sorry, but you
were texting me so much

that I couldn't even
do my work!

- You could've just said,

"Dina, you're texting
too much!"

- Well, I didn't want to hurt
your feelings.

And the moment anyone tries
to criticize you,

you just explode.

- Well, at least people know
where they stand with me, okay?

I don't pretend to be
somebody's friend

and then secretly
shut them out.

It's called honesty.
- Oh, is it honest, Dina,

or is it just you treating
people like garbage

and calling it a virtue?

- Oh, you're so pathetic.

You're so worried about
having everyone's approval.

I don't care if people like me.

- Well, good,
because nobody does.

[guffaws]

- [sighs]

- I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.
I--

Can we--
- Watch out, watch out!

- Oh, my God!

What did I just hit?
- We hit a goose.

- Oh, thank God.

- We hit a goose.

[Haddaway's
"What is Love" playing]

- ♪ What is wrong

♪ What is wrong

♪ Give me a sign

♪ What is love?

[Muzak playing]

- Hey, man.
- [startled grunt]

- Wow, wound a little tightly
there, buddy.

Everything all right?
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah.

No, you know what?
Uh, everything's not all right.

I think they're spying
on our phones.

- What? I thought you said
I was the paranoid one.

- I thought you were,
but then they started

following me around; they
started searching my stuff.

That woman in the café

who's pretending to read
the newspaper?

Nobody reads newspapers
anymore.

- I do.
- No, you don't.

You say you do, but you don't.
- Guys.

Something crazy is happening.

There are men in black suits
swarming the parking lot,

saying things like,
"Quantico, this is Daniels"

and "Uncle Phil is on the move,
I repeat,

Uncle Phil is on the move."

- Wow, that is too crazy.

- The only question is,
who is Uncle Phil?

Probably someone that looks
like Uncle Phil.

- It's me!
I look like Uncle Phil!

Man, why'd you do that
stupid Google search?!

- Whoa, calm down.
- No, I'm not gonna calm down.

You calm down.
You're always starting stuff!

"Hey, Garrett, let's Google
how to murder somebody."

Well, you happy now?
What's next?

"Hey, Garrett, let's tell
Zephra to email the police

and tell them I just planted
a bomb in the store!"

[cell phone chimes]
- Emailing local police.

"I just planted a bomb
in the store."

- Oh.
- Would you like to send?

- N--
- Yes.

- What?
- No!

- Okay, I've sent your email.

- Why?

- I just always say yes.

.

- It's mating season.

Her gander must be
worried sick.

- How do you know it's a she?

- The undercarriage.
The neck.

The feather loss
on the back of her head

where her mate pinned her down
during penetration.

- Okay.

[inhales, exhales deeply]

Dina, I am sorry that I said
nobody likes you.

That's just not true.

I--
- It's okay.

I overreacted to the whole
muting thing.

I just had a really hard year.

My birds flew away.

my dad turned out
to be a big nothing.

I can't even remember the
last time I had a boyfriend.

Even Sandra got married.
Who saw that coming?

- Yeah, but she married
Jerry, so...

- Yeah, I recognize that.

How does it work with geese?

Do you think I can just
have this?

- Um, I--
I don't know.

I--I would ask.

- Do you understand how badly
this could have gone?

People could have been shot.

- Again, we are so, so sorry.

- Yeah, I guess this is
what happens

when someone who doesn't know
how to do a prank

tries to do a prank.

- Not a prank.
It was comeuppance.

It was an attempted
comeuppance.

- People go to jail
for this kind of thing.

- Jonah was the ringleader.

- Seriously?
- I was intimidated.

I'm a very weak person.

- I'm gonna let you off
with a warning this time.

But in the future,

you should never joke
about bombs.

- Right, sorry.
Yeah, no, I--

I thought that was just
airplanes.

- It's everywhere.
- It's everywhere, Jonah.

[Tommy Melody's "Sweet Love"
playing]

♪

- ♪ Sweet love

- So then, okay,
we got to the restaurant--

- Three minutes left.

- Sweetie, I need to know
if this is going somewhere.

- It is! Okay,
so then we get into our booth

and you won't believe
who we saw.

- We will believe it.
Just hurry up and say it.

- Okay, just give me a second!

- We don't have a second.

- Two minutes, 30 seconds!

- Just jump to the end!

- Fine!
We get back to the party,

Tish had my necklace,

and K-Fai is making out
with Greg!

- Who the hell is Greg?!

- You would know if you didn't
make me

skip to the end of the story!

- Oh, my God.

- Her heartbeat is stable,
so that's good.

- She drank some water
in the car,

which gives me hope
for her stomach.

- She might have a broken leg,
so...

I'd like to get an X-ray
while she's still sedated.

- [snorts]
An X-ray for a goose?

How much is that gonna cost?

- It'll probably be about $250.

- $250?!

That's like ten giant
buckets of KFC.

Sorry, that sounded
really callous.

I don't hate animals.

- Yeah, well, most people
who hit geese

don't even get out
of their cars,

much less bring them to me,

so it's actually nice to see.

- Well,
I used to have 16 birds,

so I guess you could call me
a softie.

- 16?

Wow, you do not look like
someone

who would have that many birds.

- The [bleep]
is that supposed to mean?

- [stammers] Nothing.

Sorry, I meant to say that
I also have

a lot of birds,

and when women

come in here with a lot
of birds,

they're usually older
or not as attractive.

I am so sorry

that I said that.

I'm gonna write up
the X-ray thing--

try to do it very soon...

- Uh, and your wife?

Or girlfriend, what does she
think about all your birds?

- Oh, I'm single.

- What about the dudes you meet
on message boards

and then bring home to bone?

Do they like the birds?

- I'm not gay.

But I assume gay people
also like birds.

Okay, so, radiograph
of a goose

hit by car...

not driver's fault.

- Um, [stammers]
I'm gonna go make a call

to my insurance company
and see if they

cover bird X-rays.

- Oh, they don't.

- Well, I'm gonna go do
something else then.

- She's probably actually gonna
just take a giant dump.

[chuckles]

Anyway, uh,

I was wondering if maybe
you wanted to...

walk me through
the spaying process?

It's just something
I've always been interested in.

- Yeah, for sure.