Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

- Oh, hi, honey. - Hi, Frank.

Carol, have you noticed that between the kids

and our jobs, that romance is just sort of

slippin' out of our lives?

Just a minute, Frank, I'm fixing Mark's retainer.

Yeah, I guess it's just my imagination.

I'm sorry.

- Hello. - Hi.

You're right, we have to make some time.

- Just for the two of us. - Exactly.

And that's why I have planned

a romantic surprise for you.

Just keep Saturday night open.

Oh, oh, Saturday night?

That's Dana's birthday.

Carol, we have six kids.

It's always gonna be somebody's birthday.

Now, honey, i-i-if we let that stop us

we're never gonna see each other naked again.

But it's her birthday.

I mean, it only happens once a year.

I'm starting to feel that way about our love life.

- Well, come on, Frank-- - Oh-oh, okay, o-okay.

We'll find another night for romance.

- Hi, mom. Hi, Frank. - 'Hi.'

Mom, uh, can I talk to you about my birthday?

I had a great idea for a party on Saturday night.

Uh, yeah, so did I.

What is it? Oh, uh, let me guess.

Uh, you wanna have a slumber party?

Slumber party? What do I look like?

Punky Brewster?

Well, you had one two years ago.

- It was a lot of fun. - I know.

But I'm gonna be 17 this year.

I want to have a more adult party.

What do you mean, "More adult party?"

Simple, party with no adults.

But, Dana, you can't have a party without chaperones.

- Why not? - Because you're a teenager.

And you're not mature enough to have a party without grown-ups.

Fine. If that's the way you feel

I won't have a party at all.

Just do something with Tracy.

Oh, great, Dana doesn't even want me

to be with her on her birthday.

Oh, I know, honey

but every cloud has its silver lining.

At least you are free Saturday night.

[chuckles]

[theme song]

[screaming]

♪ The dream got broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? you wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Whoa-a whoa-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Whites, whites, whites.

Darks, darks, darks.

Geeks, geeks, geeks.

Hey, what you doin'?

It's my turn to do the laundry

and I am making sure we don't get any

foster crud on our clothes.

Good idea.

I'd hate to get their cooties.

Al, drop everything.

I need to have this blouse washed right away.

You know the rules, glamor puss.

No drop offs after 11 o'clock.

But this is an emergency.

I have a date with Bobby this afternoon

and I want it to be memorable.

So go topless, he'll never forget that.

On second thought maybe he would.

Come on, Al, I really need this.

I'll pay you a dollar.

- Two dollars. - Okay, fine.

I'll pay you later.

Now, this blouse is very delicate.

So, use cold water, no bleach, and wash it separately.

Got it.

Geeks.

[instrumental music]

Carol?

Hi, honey, o-oh, you can put that in the kitchen

with the rest of Dana's gifts.

No, no, this isn't for Dana, honey.

- This is for you. - For me?

Yeah, well, I know you've been upset because Dana

didn't wanna celebrate her birthday with you.

So, I bought you something to cheer you up.

Aww, aww, that's so sweet.

You bought this to cheer meup?

Yeah, uh, you put that on

and I'll be cheerin' up for the both of us.

Aww, thanks, Frank, that's so sweet

but, tsk, I don't know

I'm just not in the mood right now.

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, hi, Tracy. - Hi, Mrs. Lambert.

- Mr. Lambert. Nice nightie. - Oh!

It was a gift.

- Hi, Tracy. - Hi.

Figured out what you wanna do for your birthday tonight?

- Uh, not yet. - Really?

You don't have any plans?

Well, you know, if you wanna party, I could still go--

Mom..

...let it go.

Sorry, it's just a thought.

Come on, Tracy, let's go out front

and figure out what we're gonna do.

Tsk, oh, Frank.

I can't stand this.

She doesn't need me anymore.

Hey, honey.

I-I know it's hard, but you just have to

look at the bright side of things.

Yeah, what's that?

Well, the sooner that the, the baby birds

fly off on their own, the sooner mama bird

can romp around the nest in this cute little red number.

Alright, you little creep.

Look, what you did to my blouse.

- What? - It's purple.

It was white, and now it's purple!

Look, you wanted me to wash it, I washed it.

Now where's my money?

Forget it. I'm not paying you a dime.

Fine then, I'll just take it out of your hide.

[scoffs] Oh, don't threaten me, missy.

The only reason you're still standing

is because I just gave myself a French tip.

Girls, girls, girls, this is barbaric.

Well, strangely exciting.

Still, there must be a better way to solve this.

I know, you guys should go on People's Court.

How are they supposed to get to California?

Maybe they don't have to.

What if we just stage our own trial?

But who could we get to be the judge?

Barbie's right.

Where are we gonna find someone crazy enough

to put on a robe and pretend they're Judge Wapner?

Well, when they say highly flammable

they're not kiddin'. Ha ha ha!

Tcha. Yeah.

This is ridiculous.

I cannot believe my mother doesn't think

I'm mature enough to have a party without adults.

Ooh, are those gummy bears?

Hey, wait a minute.

I've got an idea.

My cousin works at the Lakeside Inn.

Maybe he can get us a room.

And we can call a bunch of people

and party all night.

Yeah, right, what am I gonna tell my mom?

Tell her you're sleeping over at my house.

What are you gonna tell your mom?

I'll tell her I'm sleeping over at your house.

Trust me, it works.

I saw it on "Growing Pains."

- I don't know. - Come on.

Go for it.

For once in your life take a chance.

- Um.. - Come on.

- What the heck, let's do it. - Okay. Yeah.

It's time for me to cut loose.

Take a walk on the wild side.

- Be a renegade. - Yeah. Yes.

Let me just get my water pack.

[instrumental music]

Oh, look, here's a picture of Dana

when she was only two hours old.

Whoa, Conehead City.

[chuckles]

Oh, and there she's blowing out her candles at her sweet 16.

Ah, you know, Carol, when you look at pictures like this

you realize that life is just like

an episode of "Gilligan's Island."

It's full of ups and downs.

But over much too quickly.

Oh, that's so true, Cody.

It goes by so fast.

You know, one page Dana's a new born

and few pages later she's 17.

[scoffs]

Yeah, and that's just the start.

Huh, before you know it, she'll be going off to college

then graduating, getting a job, marrying some guy you hate.

Tcha! Moving off to God knows where.

Tcha.

Sendin' you pictures of babies

you've never even met.

Oh, God, it's worse than I thought.

Yeah. Tcha.

[sobbing]

Whoa.

♪ Hey hey it's Saturday night ♪

♪ Who's ready for a little romance? ♪♪

Hi, Frank.

Oh, jeez, what happened?

You know, Uncle Frank, I think something's bothering Carol.

I could be wrong, but I'm usually

pretty tuned into these sort of things.

- Thanks. - Be careful.

[sighs]

Here, honey. Are you still upset about Dana?

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Just because 17 years ago tonight at exactly 10:47

after almost 14 hours of excruciating labor

I brought a child into this world

who now doesn't even wanna have a little piece of cake

and ice-cream with me. Why should I be upset?

[crying]

Alright. Okay, honey. Come on.

Now you have got to get your mind off Dana.

Now, we're gonna go ahead and have

that romantic night I promised you.

I guarantee it's gonna make you feel better.

Thanks, Frank, but I don't think so.

Oh, sweetheart.

Trust me, it's gonna be fun.

Okay, but the last time someone said that to me

I ended up with Mark.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

This is one hot party.

I mean, I don't even know half of these people.

For the first time in my life

I feel like a mature, independent person.

I answer to nobody.

[knock on door]

Oh, my God. It's my mom.

Quick, everybody under the bed.

Dana, relax. It's not your mother.

It's probably just the pizzas.

Hi, Pizza Castle.

Get in here, someone might see us.

I got six pizzas. That'll be 49.75.

Okay.

Here's 50.

Keep the change.

Wow, whole quarter.

Now my mom can have that heart operation.

Wait a second. Here's a buck.

Tell them to throw in a kidney.

Cute.

Oh, Frank.

Oh, the Lakeside Inn.

This is just so romantic.

Yeah, well, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Ha ha ha!

Oh. Oh.

Frank, champagne and dinner.

Oh.

Oh, you are the best.

Ah, well, I know you've been all wrapped up

with Dana's birthday, you know.

And I figured maybe you needed to

be wrapped up in something else.

- Like my arms. - Oh.

- You have a way with words. - Well, yeah.

I'm okay with words, but you know

I'm a blue collar kinda guy.

Much prefer working with my hands.

Ooh!

[instrumental music]

Oyez! Oyez!

The court is now in session.

The Honorable Codeman presiding.

All rise.

Thanks, little bailiff dude. Ha ha!

Now, this court will work like any other court in America

except we're gonna take a short recess

at 9 o'clock, so the bailiff can put on his jammies.

Hey, I object.

Okay, 9:30.

But don't try the patience of this court.

Dude, I'm strict.

[instrumental music]

So, how's your salmon?

Mm, it's great.

I love salmon.

So does Dana.

It's been her favorite food ever since she was two years old.

Honey, I brought you here for a nice romantic evening.

And all you do is talk about Dana.

I'm sorry, Frank, I'm trying to relax, but it's not easy.

Ah, I know, I know. I..

Hey, listen, listen.

Tell you what I'll do, I will give you

one of my patented Frank Lambert back massages.

Oh!

[moaning]

Oh, I am so tense.

Yeah, I know, I know.

But just ten minutes of this

and you're gonna be a new woman.

[instrumental music]

So, Miss Foster said she'd pay you $2 for washing the blouse?

That's correct.

Thank you, you may step down.

Hmm.

Your Honor, the defense calls

Karen Foster to the stand.

Alright, but I'd like to remind Miss Foster

that that oath thing is still happenin'

so don't be slingin' it. You know what I'm sayin'?

- I do. - Be seated.

Now, Miss Foster, you claimed that your blouse was ruined

and yet you still wore it on your date with Bobby?

Oh, yes, but that's because I--

Your Honor, I have here sworn statements

from Bobby and 12 other guys at the mall.

They all thought Karen looked great in that blouse.

Well, that's not fair. I look great in everything.

Isn't that a fact that three of them

even asked you for dates?

- Um-- - Speak Up!

We can't hear you.

Well?

Well?

Okay, okay, I admit it.

It's true, it's a curse.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Nothing further, Your Honor.

[Cody] 'Well..'

So, what's the verdict, Your Honor?

I find..

...in favor of everyone.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means that even though Al changed the color

of your blouse, clearly she didn't ruin it

ergo she doesn't have to pay you damages.

And you don't have to pay her for washing it.

Case closed.

All rise.

Man, I don't know how Judge Wapner does it. Tcha.

You mean, handling the pressure of deciding case after case?

No, I mean, wearing this funky robe all day.

[instrumental music]

[moaning]

Frank, oh, Frank, thank you.

Oh, I'm finally relaxed.

Oh, good, I was starting to lose the feeling in my hands.

Oh, Frank.

Frank, I know that it's been a hard work

but I really think it'll be worth it

because I am now completely relaxed.

Completely here and completely yours.

- Oh. - Oh.

[upbeat music]

Frank, what is that pounding?

Yeah, that's the beating of my heart, honey.

And you, you just ignore it.

But, Frank, it's-it's a party, and it's really loud.

Oh, okay, no problem. I'll go kill them.

Frank. Frank, don't you think that's a little drastic?

Carol, I've had three hours of the overture.

It's time to move on to the symphony.

Frank, if you go over there, you'll just lose your temper.

So, I'm go over there, I'll take care of the people

at the party, okay? I'll be right back.

Okay.

I'll be waiting.

[indistinct chatter]

[gasps]

Okay, open up!

Hello. Oh, hi, Mrs. Lambert.

Okay, where is Dana?

Uh, Dana? Dana's not here.

We told you she's sleeping over at my house.

And so am I. Excuse me.

I will be speaking with your mother later.

I had a feeling.

Anybody else's mother I should speak to?

[indistinct chatter]

Want some cake?

No, I do not want some cake.

I cannot believe you would sneak around behind my back.

I didn't have any choice.

It was the only way I can have

the kind of party I wanted.

But you lied to me.

You told me you were at Tracy's.

How am I supposed to protect you

if I don't know where you are?

Mom, mob informants have less protection than I do.

I am sick of being treated like a baby.

Listen, Dana, when you live on your own

you can do whatever you want.

But as long as you live under my roof

you are going to obey my rules whether you like it or not.

Do you understand?

Oh, I am so angry with you.

I don't even know what to say.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Mom, don't just stare at me.

Say something, anything.

It's 10:47.

Okay.

Exactly 17 years ago at this exact time, you were born

and here I am giving you the old

As-long-as-you-live under-my-roof speech.

It's okay. I shouldn't have lied to you.

Look, Dana, I know I treat you like a baby sometimes

but to me, it seems like it was just a minute ago

that you were a baby.

I will never forget the way you looked

when they handed you to me for the first time.

You were all pink and wiggly

and...s-so...little.

And I felt so responsible.

'And I guess I still do.'

I know that..

...I may be a little over-protective

but it's just because I love you so much.

I know. I love you too.

[instrumental music]

I'm sorry I lied to you.

I know I give you a lot of grief

but you really are a great mom.

Thanks.

You're really a great kid.

Not a little kid..

...but you know, a grown up lady-type kid.

- I got it. - Come on.

Frank's across the hall, let's go get him

and we'll drive home.

I'll tell you what.

Next year, on your birthday, you can have a big party

and Frank and I'll stay upstairs, you'll never see us.

No offence, mom, but next year I'll be 18

and I could be on my own and living with a biker by then

if I wanted to.

Oh, God.

- Frank? - 'Ready or not, here I come.'

You're worried about me?

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

Oh, oh.

[doorbell rings]

Yo, mama.

Ah, may-may I help you?

I'm here to pick up my woman.

Oh, uh, I-I-I think there must be some mistake.

[Dana] 'Spike, is that you?'

You bet, baby.

Thanks for everything, mom. Have a nice life.

Dana. Dana, come back.

Dana. Don't-don't go, Dana.

Don't go, don't go don't go.

- Don't go, no, no, don't-- - Ho-honey. Honey.

Carol, you're having a nightmare, honey.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, thank goodness.

- Oh. - 'Uh, where are you going?'

To nail Dana's door shut.

[instrumental music]