Original subtitles

[thunder rumbling]

I don't want to alarm anyone

but there's a lightning storm going on

and Cody's outside tryin' to jump-start his van.

- Oh, why would that alarm us? - Uh, I don't know.

Maybe because he's doing it with a kite.

[thunder rumbling]

[engine starts]

[shudders]

Well, I got my van started.

W-w-what a r-r-rush.

[theme song]

[all screaming]

♪ The dream got broken seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder will there ever be a second time around ♪

♪ Whoa when the tears are over and the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it would be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're puttin' it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over a different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall the stronger we stay ♪

♪ It will be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[indistinct chatter on TV]

Oh, man, I love the roller derby.

Oh, whoa, look at that.

Oh, yeah, the wheel just came off her skate

and hit the other chick in the eye.

[all laughing]

Yeah, that is totally cool.

Man, I can't believe you guys are watching roller derbies.

What's wrong with roller derby?

It's not entertainment.

That's lowbrow minus dribble.

Now come on. "Three Stooges."

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

This is a Shemp episode, anyways.

Hi. Is there a Cody Lambert here?

Yo! Cody Lambert right here.

You're a very lucky man.

You know, I've always thought so.

But thanks for comin' by and telling me.

[sighs] I love livin' in a small town.

[doorbell rings]

Whoa, deja vu.

What I meant to say was you won the free holiday turkey raffle

down at Pearson's Market.

Wow, I've never won anything before.

- When do I get my turkey? - Right now. I'll get it.

Oh, man. I love turkey.

[turkey gobbles]

Whoa, I wasn't expecting a live one.

[chuckles] I thought he'd be, like, bald and shrink-wrapped

and have one of them thermometer [indistinct]

that pop up when it's done, you know.

We sure don't have to defrost it.

No, we deliver them alive. That way, they're fresh.

Then you bring 'em back to us and we butcher it.

- Butcher it? - Yup.

We kill it, gut it and pluck it.

Now here you are. I have to go.

Your neighbor down the street won our holiday bacon special.

[pig squealing]

I hate these raffles.

Oh, honey, great news.

My old friend, Scooter Randolf, is comin' for a visit.

I haven't seen him in over 20 years, man.

We used to do everything together.

Is he your best friend?

Oh, he's more than a best friend.

He-he's like a brother to me.

He taught me practically everything I know.

Oh, that must have taken all of five minutes.

What time is he coming?

Well, he called me from the Texaco Station.

But that's just two minutes from here.

He's coming now? That isn't much notice.

Well, honey, Scooter's really not a give-notice kind of guy.

He's more of a see-which-way-the-wind-blows

spur-of-the-moment kind of guy.

- He's a, he's a-- - Bum?

No, he's always working, just not at the same job.

He's a jack of all trades, Carol.

He's a, a renaissance man.

- A-a-- - Bum.

You know, Dana, I don't think I tell you this often enough

but shut up.

I'm sure your friend is a very nice man.

I'm really looking forward to meeting Scooby.

Oh, no, honey. I-it's not Scooby.

It's Scooter.

Ah, of course, it is.

Scooby would be a silly name for a grown man.

Dana, don't you have someplace to go?

You're right. A friend of Frank's coming over.

I better put on my overalls and tune up my banjo.

You know, Carol, if she weren't your daughter

I'd spackle her mouth shut.

Yeah, well, if you can find enough spackle, be my guest.

- Hello! Hello! - Scooter!

Frankie boy!

- You look great! - You look great!

Yeah!

Uh, hi.

Oh, yeah, uh, now, Scooter, this is my wife, Carol.

- Nice to meet you. - Same here. Same here.

I would have answered the door, but I didn't hear the bell ring.

That's probably 'cause I didn't ring it.

Heck, this is Frankie's house. I just come right in.

Oh, how informal.

Oh, you know, Frankie

you got yourself quite a looker.

You know, you ever get tired of old Frankie here

you just, tsk, tsk, give me a jingle, huh?

Ah, well, don't wait by the phone.

Well, I'd love to talk, but I've to get back to work.

Oh, a working gal.

- Well, what do you do, Carol? - Well, I'm a hairdresser.

That's my salon right through the door there.

Hairdresser. Bet she curls your hair, huh, Frank?

[laughs]

This is just a wild guess, Scooter

but you're not married, are you?

- Divorced. - Oh, gee, what a shock.

[laughs]

No, no, no, the fork goes on the left.

Why do you put it on the left

when you're going to hold it in your right hand?

An interesting paradox.

It actually dates from the 14th century

European custom of holding the fork in the left hand

for both cutting and eating.

It wasn't until the American Revolution--

- Mark! - Yes.

Nobody cares.

No. Goodnight, Mrs. Hendricks.

No. No, no, trust me.

You look exactly like Cindy Crawford.

If she were hit by a bus.

Is Frank home yet?

No, he's still out with that Scooter person.

Oh, I hope they get home soon.

My roast for dinner will be ruined.

[together] Hey, hey, hey. The boys are back in town.

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

Hi, honey.

Hey, Frank said make myself at home.

Well, Frank was wrong.

Honey, we had the greatest time this afternoon.

We drove up to Sheboygan to visit our old stompin' grounds.

Cited some of our greatest high school triumphs

like the school parking lot where we rented a cement mixer

and buried the principal's car.

- Still there! - Still there!

That really sounds cool.

Well, I hope you two guys worked up an appetite.

- Dinner's almost ready. - Uh, honey, I-I'm sorry.

But we-we had, uh, kind of a late lunch.

How late?

[burps] About 20 minutes ago.

Well, I'll be upstairs dressing for dinner.

Perhaps a poncho would be appropriate.

Frank, can I see you in the living room for a minute?

Oh, uh, sure. What about, honey?

Ah, the couch.

Oh, the couch. Yeah, we..

I have to go talk about the couch.

Been givin' us some trouble.

Excuse us.

Come here.

Carol, this isn't about the couch, is it?

Oh, Frank, you knew I was making a special dinner

for you and Scooter. How could you eat 20 minutes ago?

I'm sorry, honey. It's just that when Scooter and I started

goofin' around, I forgot all about you and the kids.

I was just havin' a fun time like in the good old days.

Uh, not that these days aren't good.

They're very good, honey.

They're, they're just not old yet.

Well, Frank, it's not just about dinner.

I mean, look, I know you're having a good time

with an old friend, but I'm just afraid

if Scooter keeps telling our kids

these juvenile delinquent stories

he'll become a bad influence.

Oh, no, that's ridiculous, honey.

Scooter's not gonna be any kind of influence on the kids at all.

Hey, mom, guess what.

Scooter taught me how to burp my name.

[burps] Mark.

See, Frank, that's exactly what I was afraid of.

So he taught Mark how to burp. That's no big deal.

Guess what. Scooter taught me a magic trick.

- Hey, Carol, pull my finger. - Uh, uh, no.

[Scooter laughing]

[Frank] Come on, Scooter. Would you, would you be quiet, please?

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, hey, good-looking, you new in town?

[laughing]

Come on, Scooter, it's 3 o'clock in the morning.

- Oh, what's the matter, Frank? - Shh.

Are you afraid you're gonna wake up the old ball and chain?

No, the old ball and chain is wide awake.

Shh.

Honey, listen.

[sighs] I'm sorry we're so late.

Oh, yeah, we would have been home hours ago

but we went to this great place out on Route 11.

Wait a minute, the only place out on Route 11

is the Boom Boom Room.

Oh, you know it?

Frank, you went to a strip joint?

Well, honey, it's-it's not actually a strip joint.

- I-it's more like a-a-- - Naked dancing club.

You see, in a strip joint

the girls start out with their clothes on.

But at this place, they're butt naked

right outta the blocks.

Scooter, don't help, okay?

Honey, I can explain everything--

Don't bother, I don't wanna hear it.

I am so angry with you, I just don't wanna talk about it.

I'm going to bed.

What's with her?

Whoa, this looks like it's spreading.

Oh, Carol, you're really mad, aren't you?

[groans]

I'll take that as a yes.

Frank, I can't believe you would do this.

Carol, I know you're upset, but you're not the only one

who had a bad night tonight.

Uh, I didn't even wanna go to the Boom Boom Room.

We were drivin' down Route 11

and Scooter said he had to make a phone call.

Uh, I didn't even go in at first, honey.

Then after about half hour, I figured

I better go in and drag him out of there.

And that took you till 3 o'clock in the morning?

Well, I would have been out sooner

but Scooter took my truck keys

and threw them in the mud-wrestling pit.

Then why didn't you go in there after them?

Honey, it costs 25 bucks.

And those girls mean business. They're big girls.

Look, Frank, this is not just about the Boom Boom Room.

Ever since Scooter arrived

an ugly trend has been developing.

I mean, first, he shows up without notice.

Then he's got our kids' going, "Hey, pull my finger!"

Now he's drunk in the living room

making passes at the coat rack.

You're right.

Uh, uh, this isn't how I wanted things to go.

It's just that everything kind of snowballed on me.

Look, I know this isn't your fault.

It's just that I think maybe

that you ought to ask Scooter to leave.

Oh, Carol, I can't do that.

I-I've known Scooter since I was two years old.

I can't just throw him out.

He's only gonna be here two more days.

Well, I guess I can live with that.

Knock, knock.

See, I told you there was a party up here.

Do you mind if we join you? Oh, say hello.

What sounds better to you, Elmer?

Crunchy corn doodles or the gummy worms?

[gobbles]

Yeah, you're right.

These gummy worms, they're more of a brunch thing, huh?

[sighs] My favorite turkey and his turkey.

Oh, Dana, I'm glad you're here.

Can I talk to you for a second?

I've got kind of a dilemma

or maybe it's more of a quandary.

Would you say conundrum? Perhaps--

Cody, just say it.

Jeez, talk about the lost art of conversation.

Alright, my problem is

I don't know what to do about, you know, Elmer.

You named it Elmer? It's a turkey.

Shh. He'll hear you.

This is the holiday season.

He's feeling very vulnerable right now.

Cody, he's two drumsticks and some white meat.

[scoffs] See? That's exactly the problem.

I used to think the same things about turkeys.

But you know what, turkeys have feelings too.

Take last night. Elmer and I were sittin' in my van

watchin' "Knots Landing."

You know, everything was fine.

Then a Stove Top stuffing commercial came on..

...and Elmer got really quiet.

[gobbles]

Look, Elmer is food.

Turkeys are raised to be eaten.

It's their job. It's what they do.

If they could do something else, they would do it.

You know something, you're right.

Elmer just needs somethin' different to do.

I'm gonna teach him a trade.

Hey, Elmer. Are you a US citizen?

Dude, 'cause if you are

have you ever thought of an exciting career in computers?

No?

Scooter.

Scooter.

Scooter?

- Ah. Ah. - Oh!

Hey, Frankie Lambert, what brings you to Memphis?

Here, I-I made you some coffee.

Oh, good. I could use that.

Ah, feels like something crawled inside my mouth and died.

You guys don't have a cat, do you?

Listen, Scooter, I-I've gotta talk to you.

I-it's been great seein' you, but, uh

we can't have any more scenes like last night.

You understand what I'm saying?

I hear you loud and clear.

Wife turned off the old whoopee light, huh?

No, that's not it at all.

It's just that I would appreciate it

if you toned it down a little today

especially around Carol.

No problem, Frankie, I wouldn't wanna get you

in Dutch with the missus.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, tell you what, why don't you stay here

and patch up the old love nest

and I'll, uh, take J.T. out for a burger or something?

Alright. You know, that's a real good idea.

Yeah, I-I just think Carol gets a little tense

with houseguests.

Oh, yeah, I know how wives are.

Heck, I ought to. I've had four of them.

[laughs] Ow!

[man on TV] 'That concludes today's episode of "American Carpenter."'

'If you've watched it carefully'

'you've learned the correct way to hang a door.'

Yep, unless you wanna open it.

TV, phony, pretty boy!

No, no, no, so then I said

is there any chance she's got a sister?

Oh!

Guess you guys had a pretty good time, huh?

Oh, dad, we had the greatest time.

Scooter took me to your old high school.

Then we had ice cream sundaes for lunch.

Then he took me to the Boom Boom Room.

Pretty neat place, dad, huh?

Boom, boom.

You took him to the Boom Boom Room?

Yeah.

You went into the Boom Boom Room?

Well, uh, yeah. Scooter said it'd be okay with you.

J.T., get upstairs right now.

Well, I fought him the whole way.

I was totally against it.

- Upstairs. - Going, going.

Scooter, how could you take

my 16-year-old son to the Boom Boom Room?

Easy. I gave the bouncer 20 bucks and he let us in.

You can pay me back later.

Are you out of your mind?

Takin' J.T. into a place like that is completely out of line.

Oh, come on, Frank, lighten up.

It's a right of passage.

Didn't I take you when you were 16?

Yes, but you were 17 at that time.

You're 42 now. You should know better.

Oh, whoa, Frankie

you're starting to remind me of my father.

Except you still got hair

and you're not trying to hit me with a lamp.

Scooter, maybe I sound like a father because I am a father.

I have a wife, I have six kids, I'm payin' a mortgage.

Jeez, I had no idea life was so miserable.

My life is not miserable. My life is great.

You-you don't get it, do you?

I get it. You changed.

You used to be a fun guy

but I guess now your old lady is callin' all the shots.

Okay.

Now, listen, pal. First of all, she is not my old lady.

She is my wife and her name is Carol

and marryin' her is the best thing that ever happened to me.

- You got it? - Okay, Frankie, relax.

I'm not tryin' to insult her.

Uh, she's probably a very nice woman.

No, Scooter, she's more than that.

Look, until Carol came along

I was barely holdin' it together.

The-the kids and I, we had a house, but it wasn't a home.

A-and maybe havin' a family isn't your idea of a good time

but to me, it's pretty great.

Okay, Frank, that's, that's great.

You found what you want and I'm-I'm real happy for you.

No hard feelings, okay?

Yeah, sure.

[chuckles] You know, I-I-I probably didn't mention this

but I've got an appointment in Denver in a couple of days.

You know, big job interview.

Uh, maybe I should, uh, just head out now.

Maybe you should, Scooter.

Yeah, you know, I'll give you a call

the, uh, next time I'm in town, hm?

Yeah, that would be great.

Of course, I'm not really sure when that will be.

Uh, this thing in Denver, it's a big executive position.

Uh, probably have to travel a lot.

Yeah, yeah, well, I understand.

Well, I-I'll see you, Frank.

I'll see you, Scooter.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

Gee, uh, Carol, I thought, uh

you were way over there in the beauty shop.

Uh, well, I-I was.

B-but then I was in the kitchen.

You-you didn't hear what, uh

Scooter and I were talkin' about, did you?

'No, no.'

Well, maybe a word.

A sentence or two.

Actually, I was listening at the heating vent.

Gee, Frank, uh, they sure were nice things

you were saying about me.

Never heard you talk like that before.

Yeah, well, see, Caroline

I'm not very good at talkin' about, uh, feelings and stuff.

Yeah, but I meant every word I said.

I, I love you.

I-I don't know where I'd be without you.

Yeah. I don't know where I'd be without you either.

You know, when I met you, you just, you taught me

to loosen up and..

...you're spontaneous and..

...enjoy life.

I just love you for that.

- Ooh. - Huh?

- I just had a spontaneous idea. - What?

Uh, why don't you and I go upstairs and enjoy life?

Well, that's a pretty good idea.

I'm feeling kind of spontaneous myself.

Ooh.

- Yeah. - Okay.

This way to the Boom Boom Room.

[sighs]

- Carol. - Yeah?

- Mistletoe. - Aww.

Oh, whoa, conjugal moment.

This is such a great day.

I got my friend, Elmer the turkey

a job down at the petting zoo.

And we got our first Christmas card of the season.

Oh, this is from Aunt Edna.

Oh, I love the holidays

the cold weather, the decorations.

Everyone's always in such a great mood.

"Dear Fosters and Lamberts

"it's been quite a year.

"Stan lost his job.

"I broke my hip.

'"Stan Junior's getting a divorce.'

"Sparky, our beloved schnauzer, choked on a chicken bone.

"But perhaps it was for the best

"because he was never the same after that bus accident.

"Hope your holidays are as joyous as ours.

"Love, Edna and Stan.

"P.S. Please excuse my handwriting.

I am currently passing a stone."

Oh, I love the holidays, huh?