Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[groans]

Boy, that's the last time I'd try and lift a table saw.

Well, Frank, I don't get it.

I thought you hired Ray to do the heavy work.

Well, I did, but he hurt his back.

- How? - Trying to lift a table saw.

Oh, okay. Right there. Now, push it.

[bones cracking]

[groans]

Thank you, honey, that's wonderful.

Bye, guys. I'm going to the park with Lori and her dad.

Ah. Now, wait, wait a minute.

[scoffs] Boy, you've been spendin' an awful lot of time

with Lori and Ted the last couple of weeks.

We've just been tossing the football around.

Ted's showing us how to throw spirals.

Well, you know

your old man played a little football in his day, too.

I don't wanna brag, but, uh..

I led the Sheboygan Sugarbears to the City Championship.

Ted took his team to the championship, too.

- Really? What city? - Well, I don't know.

Where'd they play Super Bowl XII?

Wow! The Super Bowl? Ted must be a real athlete.

Well, honey, just because you play in the Super Bowl

doesn't make you a real athlete.

No, siree.

Now, lifting table saws

that's a real athlete, huh?

How far did you throw that one last week, huh, honey?

[siren blaring]

What was that?

Well, that's Ted in the Classic MG he restored.

That guy can do anything. See you later.

Bye.

Well, isn't that nice? Al has a new friend.

- Who, Lori or Super Bowl Ted? - Ooh.

Do I detect a hint of jealousy in your voice?

I have no reason to be jealous, honey.

I could've played pro football if I wanted to.

It's just.. N-nobody asked.

Hey, Uncle Frank..

- Hey. - 'Cody.'

[Carol] 'Hey, Cody.'

Why is Cody wearing a suit made of Velcro?

I'll take this one, honey. Ahem.

Cody, ha-ha, I'm almost afraid to ask

but, uh, where did you come from?

Well, I was born in a cross-fire hurricane.

And I howled at the wind and the driving rain.

No, wait a minute, that wasn't me

that was "Jumpin' Jack Flash."

[chuckles] What a gas, gas, gas.

Now, see, Cody, I think what Frank was trying to ask you

was where did you come from today?

Oh, I know this one. Wait a minute.

[laughs]

Okay, I was at the Family Fun Center.

Yeah, they got this thing called the human fly room.

You put on this Velcro suit

you jump off a trampoline into this wall

and you just stick there.

It's totally awesome. Ha-ha.

What? Do you have to buy the suit to play this game?

No way! Those things cost a mint.

You just rent 'em by the hour.

When is your hour up?

Oh, I don't know, I-I can't see my watch.

I got this Velcro s-suit on.

Oh, man, I forgot to take off my suit.

No wonder they were starin' at me at the laundromat.

[theme music]

[screaming]

♪ The dream got broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're puttin' it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ It will be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[J.T.] Karen, good. I'm glad you're home.

Hey, listen, do you think a girl who's a senior

will go out with a guy who's a junior?

- Depends. Who's the girl? - Judy Phelps.

- Ooh, classy. Who's the guy? - Me.

[laughing]

No, really. Who's the guy?

Me.

J.T., Judy Phelps is practically a woman.

She's going to want a man. You don't even shave.

I shave, just not every month.

Okay, fine. But can we talk hair?

What is wrong with my hair?

It just lays there.

You need more thickness, more body.

Face it, J.T. You have a little boy's haircut.

I do not have a little boy's haircut.

Hey, J.T.

Check this out.

Carol cut my hair just like yours.

Now, I look old enough to be in the fifth grade.

Karen, you've gotta help me with my hair.

- Why should I? - I'm begging.

- So? - I'm pleading.

- So? - I'm paying.

I'll do it.

[instrumental music]

Oh, huh, Carol. Where's Al?

- Upstairs. - Oh, good. Al!

Hey, come on down!

Honey, my tile man got me two tickets

to the Packers' game tonight, right on the 50-yard line.

Oh, and you're going to take Al? Oh, how nice.

Yeah, it's great, isn't it? Am I a wonderful dad or what?

In your face, Ted Davis.

Oh, hey, dad. What's up?

How would you like to go to a Packers' game?

- Oh, that sounds great. - Get your jacket, we're goin'.

Wait a minute. You mean, it's tonight?

- Well, yeah. - Sorry, dad.

But I promised I'd go go-karting with Lori and Ted.

Al, I thought you hated go-karting.

Well, I did, but that was before

Ted taught me how to drive.

Did you know that he worked on a pit crew at Indy?

Uh, I thought he played pro football.

Well, he wanted to stay busy in the off-season.

[siren blaring]

Sorry, dad, if it was any other night--

No, no, no. You go have fun. Go on.

- Thanks, dad. - Ha-ha.

[door opens]

♪ Is this the little girl I carried ♪

Frank.

♪ Is this our little girl I'd play-- ♪♪

Oh, come on, Frank.

We're not even Jewish.

Face it, Carol. I've lost her. I'm being replaced.

You are not being replaced. Ted is just a fun guy.

"Ted's a fun guy." Well, what am I, a tongue depressor?

Hey, Uncle Frank.

- Hey, Carol. - Hi, Cody.

You guys doin' anything tonight? Huh?

Well, Frank is doing a medley from "Fiddler On The Roof."

Other than that, we're free.

Well, why don't you come down with me and the little dudes

down to the human fly room?

I'm trying out a new jump tonight.

It's called The Bug Meets Windshield.

[laughs]

No, thanks, Code. I'm not in the mood.

Oh, stay here, feel sorry for yourself

and sing old show tunes all night.

Wow, show tunes? I love show tunes. Ha-ha.

Maybe I'll stay and hang out with you, Uncle Frank.

[chuckles] Hey, do you know this one?

♪ Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

Come on, everybody. Ha-ha.

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship.. ♪♪

Well, let's go check out this human fly room, huh?

[chuckles] How about "Green Acres?"

Or better yet, "60 Minutes."

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Well, I'm telling you, my back hurts just watchin' this.

Ugh.

Okay.

I'd like to dedicate this

next jump to my Uncle Frank.

It's called The Bug Meets Windshield.

[chuckles] Uncle Frank.

This bug's for you.

[imitates buzzing]

[applause]

Yeah! Alright!

Well, at least he's not wasting his evenings.

[chuckles]

Hey, look, dad. There's Al.

Hey, Al. Hi. Over here.

So, that's Super Bowl Ted, huh?

- He's kinda short, isn't he? - Frank.

Hey, Carol. Dad.

You all know Lori, and this is her dad, Ted.

- Hi. - Hi, Ted. Frank Lambert.

Frank. Whoa! Quite a grip you got there.

Oh, sorry. Guess I just don't know my own strength.

Yeah. Hey, pal. How you doin' tonight?

Du.. He's fine, he's fine, he's great.

We have a wonderful relationship.

So, how was go-karting?

Oh, it was fine. Al is a great driver.

Well, that's just 'cause you're a great teacher.

Boy, dad. This place is packed.

Yeah, it kinda reminds me of that Yogi Bear story.

His friends wanted to take him out

to a popular restaurant, he said, "Nah.

Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded."

[laughing]

Oh-ho, hey. Oh, boy. That's enough.

Boy, Ted, you tell the greatest stories.

Ha-ha. That was so funny.

Well, that's a good one, but..

Hey, you know the funniest thing Yogi ever said? Ha-ha.

Um, what was that?

[imitating Yogi Bear] "Hey, Boo-Boo. I'm smarter than the average bear."

[laughing]

[laughing] Oh.

That's a riot, Frank.

I-it's a, it's a thinking joke.

Thanks, honey.

Hey, you guys. Awesome news. Ha-ha.

They're havin' a Human Fly Competition here tomorrow night.

The winner gets a trophy

and a trip to the state fly-offs.

Hey, dad. Why don't you enter the competition?

You know, that sounds like fun.

Gimme five-high.

- Count me in, okay? - Alright!

Boy, whoever wins this will be the coolest guy around.

- Really? - Frank.

Coolest guy around, huh?

Excuse me, I think I'm being paged.

- Count me in. - Alright!

[instrumental music]

Boy! I can't wait till the Human Fly Contest.

Now, remember, Frank, you're in training

so no hanky-panky tonight.

Oh, that won't be a problem.

Well, goodnight, boys.

- Sweet dreams. - Goodnight, mom.

- Goodnight. - Have a nice sleep. Ta-ta.

Frank, are you crazy?

What? What?

The other day, your back hurts so bad

you couldn't stand up straight.

Now you wanna bounce off a trampoline

and become a human fly?

You wanna become a fly? You wanna become a fly?

There, you're a fly!

- Ouch! - You think that hurt?

Why don't you get hit by a wall

that doesn't love you?

Carol, I have to do something to impress Al.

Oh, Frank, this is all in your head.

Entering the stupid Human Fly Contest is no big deal to her.

Oh, dad.

I can't wait till tomorrow night.

I'm gonna invite all my friends to come cheer you on.

- You're the best, dad. - He-he.

[instrumental music]

You're right, honey. I'm glad it's no big deal to her.

Ow!

Come on, J.T., be a man.

It's hard to be a man when you look like a woman.

[scoffs]

Aww, J.T.

[chuckles]

Where do I begin?

Don't you say a word.

I was not going to say anything.

I was just thinking what a great Donahue this would make.

Boys who wear pink curlers

and the woman who ridicule them.

Hey, I'm just getting a little more body.

Something you ought to look into.

Hmm, that's a good one, J.T.

Very funny for someone who's not anatomically correct.

Dana, please. You're upsetting J.T.

And we're at a critical part of the process.

Oh, Lord! I'm so sorry.

I had no idea.

I'll be in the waiting room with the rest of the media.

How much longer is this gonna take?

J.T., I know what I'm doing.

I've seen mom do this a thousand times.

We'll just leave the solution on a few more minutes

then we'll put the neutralizer on and then you'll be done.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

[chuckles]

Oh, hi, Bobby.

I'm gonna take this call upstairs.

Don't go anywhere.

Oh, darn, I was gonna go down to the pool hall

and hang out with the guys.

[instrumental music]

- Ready? - Yes.

- Here we go! - Ah!

Wow, this is cool! So, how do I look?

[chuckles] Well, you look like

the world's largest refrigerator magnet.

Mom, we're hungry. Can we have some pizza?

Oh, sure, honey. My purse is over here.

Uh, guys?

I'm ready to come down now.

Hello?

Whoa!

You get a lot of lift out of those little legs.

[chuckles]

Yep.

- Thanks, Cody. - Yeah.

[J.T.] 'Karen, I don't know about this.'

Don't worry, J.T. You look fine.

You know, I-I didn't think it was gonna be this curly.

Well, it's not exactly what I planned.

But, hey, let's keep an open mind.

Who knows? Judy might love it.

- Let's hope so. - Give it a shot.

She's right over there.

- Hi, Judy. - J.T.?

[all laughing]

Oh, that is the funniest wig I have ever seen.

Hey, you know me. Anything for a laugh.

Hey, I gotta go. Ha-ha.

I hate my life.

Hey, I know you. You're one of The Jackson 5's.

Hold that elevator.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The Human Fly Competition is about to begin.

So, let's have a hand

for our first round of contestants.

[applause]

Now, each of our contestants will be graded

for artistic merit by our distinguished panel of judges.

[chuckles] Leading up..

...is Port Washington's number one

demolition man, Cody Lambert.

[cheering]

[drum roll]

- 'Wow!' - Wow!

And the score..

'Whoa!'

[female #1] 'My goodness!'

- 'Yeah, Cody.' - Yeah, alright.

Alright.

Now, our next contestant is no stranger

to competition.

A former All-Pro safety

with the Dallas Cowboys.

'A Road Scholar'

'and the man who brought super hydroplaning'

'to Lake Michigan, let's hear it for Ted Davis.'

[applause]

[drum roll]

Sure, he played football years ago.

Let's see if he's still got it, huh?

[cheering]

Yep, he's still got it.

And the score..

- 'Whoa! Man!' - Wow!

Frank, I'm begging you. Please, don't do this.

If Ted can do one somersault, I can do two.

[sighs] Are you insane?

You get dizzy in a swivel chair.

- That was great, Ted. - Oh, thanks, honey.

I have to do this.

Now, our next contestant owns Lambert Constructions.

'Uh, yes, sir?'

[indistinct whispering]

"Led the Sheboygan Sugarbears

to the City Championship in 1969?"

Anyway..

Let's hear it for Frank Lambert.

[drum roll]

Whoa!

[Frank groans]

Frank! Frank! Frank!

Frank, are you alright?

Help me.

Help me.

[instrumental music]

[screaming]

Here, Frank.

Four out of five doctors recommend these

for idiots who injure themselves

trying to be machos.

Come on, Carol.

I had to do something to win back Al.

You saw the way that she looked

at Ted after his jump.

She used to look at me that way.

Dad?

You mean, you did this for me?

Well, Al, I, uh..

You know, uh, I'll let you two be alone.

I, uh, have to, uh..

...go iron J.T.'s hair.

Come on, Al, sit down.

[groans]

Listen, uh..

I know this may sound a little strange

but, uh, I guess I just felt

I needed to impress you.

Impress me? Why?

Well, last couple of weeks, you've been

talkin' an awful lot about what a great guy Ted is

and...I guess I just got a little..

...jealous.

Sort of like you didn't need me anymore.

Well, of course I need you.

You're my dad.

I mean, sure, Ted's good at football and swimming.

And he's funny and smart, and--

Yeah, I-I-I understand, okay?

I, I understand.

Look, Ted's a great guy

but he's not you.

You do the important stuff.

You're the one who held my hand the first day at kindergarten.

You're the one who checked under my bed for monsters.

You're the one who holds my hair back when I throw up.

- Only a dad would do that. - True.

You're the greatest dad in the world.

No one could replace you.

- I love you, dad. - Ah.

I love you, too, pal.

Whoa. Tender family moment.

[chuckles]

Exit, stage right.

No, Cody, it's okay. What's up?

Oh, well, I just wanted to drop off this ribbon to you

that you won at the Human Fly Competition.

- I-I won a ribbon? - Yeah.

It's the black and blue ribbon.

[chuckles] Goes to the most courageous human fly. Yeah.

For the contestant who had absolutely no business

being there in the first place.

[laughs]

I'm honored. Oh.

Hey, Uncle Frank, your back's still bothering you?

- Yeah-- - Maybe I can help. Oh, no, no.

Come here, man. Oh, just, just a little bit.

[bones cracking]

Yeah. See, buddy?

[laughs]

Cody, that's fantastic.

Where did you learn that?

From Lori's dad, Ted.

Yeah, did you know he is a chiropractor

for the Olympic team?

Are you sure this is gonna fix my hair?

Yes, J.T. This is a deep conditioner.

Trust me, in just a few seconds

you hair will be back to normal.

[bell dings]

[sighs]

Oh, my goodness.

- What's the matter? - Uh, nothing.

Excuse me.

[sighs]

[screaming]

I'm gonna kill you!