Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Hi, honey. Oh, boy!

What a day at the beauty salon.

When will people finally realize

that Bo Derek is the only white woman

who looks good in cornrows?

Frank, what're you doing?

Oh, honey, it's the first day of school.

And when the kids get home, one of them is gonna be

so ticked off, they're gonna slam the door

and break somethin'.

Two years ago, I lost my entire Elvis plate collection.

What a shame, and they must've looked so lovely

right next to your Loretta Lynn coffee cups.

Well, yeah. Why do you think I bought 'em?

[in unison] 'We hate school!'

- 'We hate school!' - Oh, honey. Grab that plate.

[in unison] We hate school!

[Al] I hate school!

- I'm dropping out. - Me too.

I'm gettin' a job.

You're not gonna believe this stupid, totally useless class

they're making me take in junior high.

- What class is that, Al? - Cooking.

[scoffs]

When am I ever gonna need that in my life?

You know, Mark, I don't get it.

I thought you liked school.

Yeah, until I had to take woodshop.

Hey, what's the matter with woodshop?

I say it ain't a party till you

break out the power tools.

Power tools? I could lose a finger.

Can't you write me a note, mom?

Tell 'em I'm a bleeder.

Mark, I can't do that.

You have excellent clotting time.

Fine! Let's see how well I do when I hit a major artery.

[drill whirring]

[sighs] There. Now, that's gonna hold it.

[chuckles]

Man, school bites!

Maybe I should just leave that down

till everybody graduates.

What's wrong, J.T.?

I got stuck with the meanest teacher in the school

and she chewed me out for absolutely no reason.

No reason?

Okay, so maybe I missed the very beginning of class.

But is that any reason for her to dump on me

the ten minutes I was there?

You missed only 45 minutes of class

and she cops an attitude?

What a witch!

Dad, this is serious.

This woman has it in for me

because I'm on the track team.

And everybody knows Fishface hates jocks.

Yeah, but, J.T., if you really dislike

this Mrs. Fishface..

...why don't you just transfer to another class?

I had a terrific English teacher

and she's still at your school.

Wow! She must be a hundred years old.

Uh, J.T., it's nay on the age-ay.

Or I will ground-ay

your utt-bay.

[sighs] I guess anybody would be better than Fishface.

It's really important to like your teacher

and I think you'd love Mrs. Hill.

Mrs. Hill?

That is Fishface!

Mrs. Hill is Fishface?

Gee, in my day we called her Chicken Legs.

Guess she filled out.

[laughs]

[theme music]

[screaming]

♪ The dream got broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around ♪

♪ Whoa-a whoa-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ To be puttin' it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

And so, Horatio, hoping for news of Hamlet

beckons for the sailors, now..

[snoring]

It's from these sailors

that Horatio learns

that Hamlet has been abducted

by space aliens from Mars.

Ain't that right, Mr. Lambert?

That's right. That's my favorite part.

Then you can enjoy it even more

when you take this class again nextyear.

[bell rings]

[indistinct chatter]

J.T. Hi, honey.

Oh, no!

What're you doing here?

Well, I just thought if I came down here

you and I could talk to Mrs. Hill

and get you back on the right track.

Talk to Mrs. Hill, huh? I got a better idea.

Why don't you just shave my head with a weed whacker?

Oh, come on. It's fun to talk to teachers.

- Come on. - Okay.

[chuckles]

Mrs. Hill?

Hi, I don't know if you remember me or not.

I used to be one of your students.

Oh, I've had hundreds of students

over the years.

Could you give me a hint?

How's this?

I know. I know. Me, me! Call on me.

I know the answer.

Carol Williams.

[gasps] Oh, you remember me.

[giggles] Well, I used to be Carol Williams.

Then, I was Carol Foster. Now, I'm Carol Lambert.

You got around a lot in high school, too.

She means I was popular.

Very popular.

Well, what brings you by?

Well, uh, my stepson J.T. is in your class.

- You know J.T. - Yes.

I just didn't recognize him

with his eyes open.

Well, I know that J.T. has gotten off

to a rocky start here.

But what can he do to get back on track

so that he can get as much out of your class as I did?

Oh. It's really very simple.

All he has to do is show up on time

do his homework, and stay awake in class.

Would you settle for two out of three?

J.T., this is an English class, not "Let's Make A Deal."

Thanks for dropping by, Carol.

Why don't you see my other teachers

and ruin the rest of my life?

[door closes]

We're a step-family.

We haven't quite bonded yet.

[instrumental music]

You know, Uncle Frank, Mark's really lucky

to have a guy like you teach him about power tools.

[chuckles] You know, I'd teach him about demolition

but, well, I figured 12 was just too young

to be working with dynamite.

Good decision, Cody.

We're going to the mall, but we just want to warn you

there's something very ugly happening in the kitchen.

Uh, is the garbage disposal blowing chunks again?

Worse. Al is cooking.

Pretty soon, we'llbe blowing chunks.

Here, Frank. She wanted me to bring you this muffin.

[clangs]

Oh.

Whatever happened to moist and chewy?

[clanking]

- Hey, can I have that? - You're gonna eat it?

No. I'm gonna put it in a sock and use it for a sledgehammer.

[chuckles]

Well, knock yourself out, Cody.

And I mean that.

Okay. I'm ready.

Mark, what's a bucket full of ice for?

Well, to carry whatever I cut off to the emergency room.

You're not gonna cut.. Give me that!

No, you're not gonna cut anything off.

Accidents do not happen

if you take the proper safety precautions.

That's right.

That's where Ed Jenkins made his big mistake.

See, he got distracted while he was working with a power saw.

And before he knew it, man, there was fingers flyin'

and blood spurtin' everywhere..

Bone chips.. Ha-ha. Looked like a grenade went off.

[screams]

[chuckles] Wonder what spooked him? Huh. Shoot.

[instrumental music]

- J.T., calm down. - No way!

Dad, I have tried to be a good sport

about this whole step-family thing

but this time, Carol's gone too far.

Honey, what happened?

I went to J.T.'s school to try to smooth things over

with his English teacher.

Ooh, that was a good idea.

Why didn't you just shave his head with a weed whacker?

What is it with you Lambert men and weed whackers?

Well, honey, when J.T. was a baby

he fell asleep on the lawn--

You know, I don't want to hear it.

Frank, I was just tryin' to help.

And I think that you and I should be involved

in our kids' education.

- I agree. - Good.

Well, then, will you help him study

for his Shakespeare test tonight?

Uh, no, Carol.

There's a lot of things I'm good at

but Shakespeare's not one of 'em.

Yeah, when I was J.T.'s age, I-I read the books

I listened to the teacher, but no matter what I did..

Whew!

But, Frank, it is so beautiful.

- I mean, listen to this. - Ah, jeez.

Here. Right here.

"The power of beauty

"will sooner transform honesty

"from what it is to a bawd

'"than the force of honesty can translate'

"beauty into his likeness.

"This was sometime a paradox

but now the time gives it proof."

Beautiful, huh?

Whew!

Frank, all he's trying to say is that

beauty talks and honesty walks.

Well, that's good writing. Why didn't he just write that?

I mean, you put that between two car chases

I'd go see it.

Frank, your son needs help, and you're gonna give it to him.

Huh! Oh, no, Carol.

Now, you can beg and you can plead

but there's no way you're gonna get me to help J.T.

with his Shakespeare.

Come on, J.T., it's Shakespeare time.

Dad, Shakespeare is torture.

Can't we bag this and go out for some pizza?

Come on, pal, I know this stuff can be difficult

but I bought us somethin' today

that's gonna make it a whole lot easier.

You bought the answers to the test?

Not that easy. What I bought is this.

It's a recording of real British actors

performing Hamlet.

I figure we listen to this

follow along in the book, gotta help.

Not as much as those test answers.

Come on, J.T., we can do this.

Just take a little bit at a time.

[male #1 on speaker] '"Hamlet." A tragedy by William Shakespeare.'

So far, so good, huh?

[church bell tolling]

[male #1 on speaker] 'Elsinore. A platform before the castle.'

'Francisco at his post. Enter to him, Bernardo.'

Dad, didn't they have this in English?

Shh. Just pay attention. We can do this.

- 'Who's there?' - 'Nay, answer me.'

[Francisco on speaker] 'Stand and unfold yourself.'

"Unfold yourself?" What is he, a towel?

J.T., concentrate.

- 'Long live the king! He.' - 'Bernardo?'

[Francisco on speaker] 'You come most carefully upon your hour.'

'I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who's there?'

[Horatio on speaker] 'Friends to this ground.'

[Marcellus on speaker] 'And liegemen to the Dane.'

[trumpet music]

Well, how you doing so far?

I don't know. What's a stroke feel like?

- You didn't get any of this? - No. Did you?

Well, of course I did.

Well, then, explain it to me.

Alright, I will.

Okay, there's Bernardo..

Yeah, forget Bernardo. Forget Bernardo.

Th-th-there's Francisco. Okay?

Uh, Francisco was standing ho..

A-a-and-and next to the liegemen of the Dane

who unfolded himself.

And.. Look, you know, I don't want to give you

too much of this at once.

This is hopeless. I'm gonna flunk this test.

J.T., you are not!

Now, we can do this.

I don't care if it takes us all night.

Now, come on. You get in there and get some sodas

and come out here ready to work, ha!

"Stand ho.

"Liegemen to the Dane.

Unfold yourself."

We beeth in big trouble.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Here you go, Brendan.

Eww! What is this?

It's my own creation, eggs and spinach.

I call it Eggs Popeye.

Why, was the name Eggs Barf already taken?

Dana.

My teacher says you're all supposed

to grade me on this meal.

I'll be right back with the questionnaires.

Mom, do we really have to eat this stuff?

Yes, we do. And no faces.

Do you know how hard Al worked to make this breakfast for us?

Do you know how hard we'll have to work to keep it down?

Well, I don't know, this oatmeal smells pretty good.

It looks like it'll stick to my ribs.

My home-ec teacher says you have to be completely honest.

Fine.

How do you spell "Yuck?"

Don't worry. Just copy mine.

[Frank] Ah! Ah, come. Come, come, come.

Hark, Laertes. Thou but dally.

Say you so? Come on, sir.

Ooh! Ugh! A hit!

[groans] A very probable hit.

Ta-da!

[applauding]

Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah, I didn't know Bert and Ernie did Shakespeare.

Well, I'm not surprised. Bert's a very versatile actor.

Cody, Bert is a sock.

All the more reason to be in awe, my friend.

You mean, you guys actually read "Hamlet?"

- Cover to cover. - And it wasn't bad, was it?

Not at all, once we figured out "Hamlet"

it was all about sex and violence, we really got into it.

- How late were you guys up? - Oh, I don't know.

- Two, three o'clock. - But it was worth it.

'Cause I'm gonna ace that test.

Thanks, dad. Thou will be back.

[both chuckle]

Oh, boy, I am starved. I could eat a horse.

Would you settle for something that just tastes like horse?

[instrumental music]

- 'Hi, honey.' - Hi.

Here. These are for you.

[gasps] Aw. Thank you.

Oh, they're beautiful.

- What's the occasion? - Oh, there's no occasion.

I just wanted to thank you for convincing me to help J.T.

with his homework.

See, I told you you'd like Shakespeare

once you gave it another try.

No, I still hate Shakespeare.

As a matter of fact, I'd rather slam my head in the car door

than read that stuff.

But it felt so good to see J.T. pumped up this morning.

Oh, well, I'm so proud of you.

[door opens]

[Mark clearing throat]

- Mom.. - Oh!

- Oh! Hello, Mark. - Hah.

- H-how was school? - Pretty good.

But I think I cut my hand in woodshop.

[Carol] 'Really? Let me see.'

[screams]

[both laughing]

Whoa! Looks like you cut it deeper than you thought.

You were right, Frank. She fell for it.

- Wasn't that funny, mom? - No, it was not.

But Frank said that if I joke around

I'd lose my fear of power tools.

Oh, so this was Frank's idea.

Ah, yeah, totally Frank's idea.

I, I was against it. Excuse me.

Way to be a guy, Mark.

Come on, honey, it was just a joke.

Oh, sure it was.

Making me think my child's hand was cut off.

What could be funnier than that?

Well, we were gonna go for the severed head thing

but I couldn't find one that looked like him.

[mumbling]

[sighs] Man, that's the last time I bust my hump studyin'

for a stupid Shakespeare test.

J.T., what happened?

I was so sure I aced it that I even stayed

after school while Fishface graded it.

I sure didn't need to work my butt off to get this.

A "D?"

I told you, Fishface hates jocks.

There is nothing I can do to get a good grade in her class.

Well, there must be a good reason for this grade.

I mean, Mrs. Hill is a very fair person.

Sure. Take the teacher's side. I'm just a dumb kid.

I don't know, Carol.

When he left this morning, he had this stuff down.

- I just don't get it. - Me neither.

You know, I'm no teacher, but this sure doesn't look like

a "D" paper to me.

[mellow music]

Where is the old bat?

She must be hidin' 'cause she knows I'm gonna

give her a piece of my mind.

Frank...I'll do the talking, okay?

Okay.

Hello.

What can I do for you folks?

Well, uh, Mrs. Hill

I-I don't quite know how to say this

but we're a little concerned about the grade

that J.T. got on this test paper.

- A little concerned? - Frank.

I certainly can understand your concern.

You can? Oh, I'm so glad to hear that.

See, Frank? She understands our concern.

It's really very simple.

I, I see it all the time

with kids like J.T.

What do you mean, "Kids like J.T.?"

Frank, I got it. What do you mean, "Kids like J.T.?"

Well, I mean kids who have other interests

that are more important to them than their studies.

Well, why don't you say you mean jocks?

Frank, stop it. She does not mean jocks.

- You don't mean jocks, do you? - Actually, I do.

Tag me, honey, I'm goin' in the ring.

Frank, Frank, you are not going

in any ring.

I am. Listen, Fishface, what's your problem, huh?

Where do you get off assuming that just because

a kid is good in sports, he can't learn Shakespeare?

J.T. stayed up half the night studying "Hamlet."

So did this guy, and he'd rather smash his head

in a car door.

You know, I can't believe that a teacher who used to be fair

just sees J.T.'s name on a paper and slaps a "D" on it.

What do you want me to do?

Give him an "A" just to make you happy?

- Yes! - No!

- No! - No. No?

No, we want you to read his paper

and grade it fairly, and I'm gonna sit right here

in my old chair until you do!

Believe me, you don't want to mess with her

when she gets like that.

[instrumental music]

Hey, J.T., man, I gotta tell you, hah.

This book "Hamlet's" a total rip-off.

Mel Gibson did every one of these lines

in "Lethal Weapon 3."

Cody, that wasn't "Lethal Weapon 3."

That was the movie version of "Hamlet"

starring Mel Gibson.

Oh! Well, that explains it.

[laughs]

Yeah, I was wondering what happened to Danny Glover.

[chuckles]

"To be, or not to be.

"That is the question.

'"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer'

"the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

"or to take arms against a sea of turtles.

"And, by opposing, end them?

To die, to sleep no more."

Well, J.T., your dad and I just talked

to Mrs. Hill about your test grade.

Oh, great. What do I have now, an "F?"

No. Check that.

Whoa! A "B-plus."

Alright, dad. What'd you do, punch her lights out?

No, but for a minute there, I thought Carol was gonna

flip her like a cheese burger.

[laughs]

J.T., I owe you an apology.

Mrs. Hill has changed.

She's just not the same teacher anymore.

I should've listened to you, but I don't know.

I just automatically sided with her.

Hey, that's just the way parents are.

They think the teacher's always right

and the kids are always wrong.

Yeah, why do we do that?

Well, in my case, it's usually the way to go.

Thanks for stickin' up for me, dad.

Eh, wait a minute, now.

Carol did most of the work.

- You did that for me? - Yeah, well..

Thanks, Carol. You're alright for a step-mom.

Yeah? Well, you're alright, too.

[chuckles]

I guess we're just not quite ready

for that hugging thing yet.

Yeah, I guess not.

Oh.

Well, J.T., a "B-plus." You know what that means?

I sure do, it means I can goof off for at least six weeks

and still pull a "C" in the class. Oh!

Oh, no, pal. You see, you have now blown your cover

and we expect you to get good grades from now on.

Oh, man!

And not just in English

but in French, algebra, chemistry..

- Oh, man! - It won't be bad.

- Your dad will help you. - Who dad?

You dad.

Oh, man!

Alright, now, just hold it steady.

Oh, Mark, I'm so proud of you.

There's nothing to it.

Like Frank said, the tool does all the work.

Hey, Mark. How's it goin'?

Great. All done. How's the baking?

Just finished the raisin bread. Can you help me out?

- Sure. Thick or thin? - Thick.

You got it.

[machine whirring]

[theme music]