All language subtitles for Step.By.Step.S01E09.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[instrumental music]

Oh, good, everybody's here.

Alright, I'll tell you all

why I called
this family meeting.

I have something to tell you

that's gonna make you all
very happy.

- You mean--
- We're not getting a divorce.

This weekend, I'm throwin' you
all in the back of the truck

and we're goin'
for an old-fashioned

Lambert family camp-out!

- Alright, yeah!
- Alright, yeah!

Isn't that great?

Camp-out?

You mean, like,
where you sleep on the ground?

A-and there's nowhere
for the Ty-D-Bol Man to swim?

Makes you wish you were there
already, doesn't it?

- Uh, question.
- Yeah.

Where will this nightmare
be taking place?

Only the most beautiful spot
you have ever seen.

You mean, Dead Man's Clearing?

- You got it, champ.
- Alright.

Frank, Dead Man's Clearing?

Honey, it's just
that wacky pioneer humor.

You know, when you have people
dyin' by the wagonload

you have to do somethin'
to lighten the mood.

Good sell, Frank.

Come on, you guys
are gonna love it out there.

You wake up with the sun,
you cook your food on a stick

and maybe even see
a real bear up close.

Which is the part
I'm gonna love?

Mother, will you please tell

Grizzly Adams
and his kinfolk..

...that we respectfully
decline?

Well, I've never been
a big fan of camping

but I do think
that it's important

that we do things together
as a family.

[scoffs]
We do things together.

We have vicious, ugly fights.

Well, now we can have 'em
in the great outdoors.

Are we being too subtle here?

We don't want to go.

Mom, don't make us do this.

Please,
we're yourrealchildren.

[Frank sighs]

Alright, come on, come on

now if-if
the Lamberts love camping

then let's give it a try.

I mean, I'm sure
there are things that we love

that they can learn
to love too.

Sure, like eating
with utensils.

No, no, no,
I'm mean like, uh, well..

Next month, next month the
Munich Opera's coming to town.

- You'll come with us.
- Well, absolutely.

Oh, Carol, the opera,
I mean, come on..

Yes, Frank, opera
where people wear costumes

and sing beautiful music.

I know about opera.

One of my favorite singer
is-is that-that big guy

that, uh,
Luciano pepperoni guy.

[theme song]

[all screaming]

♪ The dream wide broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a
when the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it would be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're
putting it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ We got the woman and man ♪♪ Ooh ♪

♪ We got the kids in a clan ♪♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ If all these dreams
fit under one umbrella ♪

♪ Step by step day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over
a different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall
the stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better
the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over
a different hand to play ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ But you know what they say ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

You know,
grapes are just like M&Ms.

Huh, they're bite sized,
they taste great.

They don't melt in your hand.
Ha-ha.

I wonder if they'll ever make
grapes with peanuts in 'em.

Cody, did your parents
have the same last name

before they were married?

Well, you got me, I didn't know
'em before they were married.

Okay, Penny, here are the keys.

Now, whenever you go out,
lock the door

and make sure you
leave the light on

so it looks like
somebody's home.

- And make sure--
- Carol, will you relax?

I've got your lists.

[sighs]
I know there are a lot
of weirdos out there.

Not to mention in here.

Hey, Carol, you are gonna love
Dead Man's Clearing.

I remember, once
I got bit by a snake.

Uncle Frank
had to suck out the venom.

Then there was a time
I got caught in a bear trap..

Almost took my head off.

[laughs]
Tch.

Then when I was nine,
these leeches--

Cody.

Please, you're spoiling
all the surprises.

[instrumental music]

Well, we're all set.

Snake bite kit,
insect repellent, splints..

Everything we need
for a great weekend.

This is so embarrassing.

My first camping trip
and my luggage is mismatched.

Karen, we're only going
for a weekend.

You don't need two suitcases
full of clothes.

Oh, my clothes are in the truck.

This is just my cosmetics.

Okay, we've got videogames, CDs

enough batteries
to last us for the weekend.

Alright, Frank,
take us to your swamp.

We are going camping.

We don't need video games,
we don't need makeup

and we don't need music.

- I've got the ratatouille.
- And we don't need ratatouille!

Well, fine, then you can have
the smoked salmon

or the liver pate.

- Ugh.
- And look at this ham.

Isn't it cute?

Give me that.

What is the matter
with you people?

This is a camping trip

and when you camp
with Frank Lambert

you live off the land.

We'll hunt, we'll fish
and we'll eat what we catch.

Yeah. All we need
is a bowie knife and our wits.

Wouldn't that leave you
with just a bowie knife?

D'aah!

Camping is a lot more fun
when you rough it.

Yeah, well, Frank, my idea of
roughing is a slow room service.

[laughs]

That's great.

Honey, save those for the road,
it's a six-hour drive.

Okay, everybody, pack up.

[instrumental music]

[Frank sighs]

Well, this is it.

For the next few days,
this is gonna be home.

How'd you kids like riding
in the back of the truck?

Just peachy.

By the way,
did anyone happen to catch

my kidneys when they bounced
out of my back?

I love riding
in the back of the truck.

You can spit straight up
and hit the person behind you.

Ah, this is the life.

No phones, no traffic.

The nearest civilization is the
ranger station 20 miles away.

You know, the Lambert family
has been comin'

to these woods for years.

Uh, Carol, come here,
I wanna show you something.

Come here. Come here.

Come here. Look at this.

Grandpappy Lambert carved
his name right in that tree.

Frank, all I see
there is a big X.

Well, that's
Grandpappy Lambert for ya.

He was handy with a knife,
but dumb as dirt.

Hey, hey, guys, guys, look,
I'm all set.

I found a perfect rock
for a pedicure stand.

Well, that's the team spirit.

You know, make the best
of things out here.

It was so easy.

It was lying right there
behind the back tire

of Frank's truck.

Uh, Karen..

I-I-I, I put that rock
behind the tire

because I parked on a hill
and I didn't want the truck

to roll backwards down into..

[splashing]

...into the lake!

Oh-ho!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, here comes Frank now.

I'm sure he'll say
that things are not

as bad as they seem.

Well, things are worse
than I thought.

We're definitely stranded. That
truck's in six feet of water.

Well, Frank,
what are we gonna do?

Well, don't worry, Carol.

We'll wait till
the ranger comes by

we'll winch it out,
we'll dry it off.

So it'll smell like catfish
for a few months.

[chuckles]
Won't be the first time.

Hey, pal, come here.

Frank, I am not talking
about your stupid truck

I'm talking about us
being stranded.

Oh, yeah, well,
that's bad too, yeah.

But all we have to do
is stay put.

The ranger makes his rounds
once a week.

The longest we'll be stranded
here is...six days.

Wait a minute.

Six days?

Six days?

I'm makin' a break for it.

Dana, it's rough terrain
out there.

- You can get lost.
- Let her go, dad.

Well, maybe we'll all
feel better

after we get something to eat.

Yeah, Carol, you're right.

Hey, Brendan, Al, J.T.

let's go hunt up some grub.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

"Hunt up some grub?"

[instrumental music]

[cricket chirping]

What's that?

It's cricket.

Sit down.

[owl hooting]

What's that?

- It's just an owl.
- What's the matter with you?

Haven't you ever been
in the woods at night?

I've never been anywhere
at night.

Okay, everybody.

It's dinner time.

Oh, great, we're starving.

- Oh, boy, what are we having?
- Well, I'm not sure, J.T.

But the gravy came up
real good.

Mm-mm.

Tastes like woodchuck.

Looks like upchuck.

- There you go, honey.
- No, no, no. No, thanks.

Frank, I'm a vegetarian.

- Since when?
- Uh, since lunch.

What's that?

[sniffing]
Smells like...peanuts
and nougat.

'Smothered in creamy
milk chocolate.'

[gasps]
She's got a candy bar. Get her!

[screams]

[indistinct screaming]

Come on, kids, please stop this!

'Stop it.
This is just terrible.'

[screaming continues]

Stop it!

Shame on you!

Now, give me that.

[sighs]

Carol, Carol! Give me that.

- No. No.
- Give it back. Give it.

Let go. Let go. Let go.

Now, set an example.

I lost my head.

Ah!

Woah.

Ice cream headache.

Why don't you
just eat it slower?

Then I wouldn't
get the headache.

Eeh!

Hi, Penny. Hi, Cody.

- What's the matter?
- I'm concerned.

Frank and Carol should have
been home early this morning.

Well, maybe they just decided
to stay longer

'cause they're having
such a good time.

[laughing]
And maybe you're
a natural redhead.

Hey...what if
they're in trouble up there?

[gasps]

Where are you going?

Well, I gotta find 'em.

I mean, I just gotta pick up
their trail and track 'em down.

[sniffing]

[instrumental music]

Yup, they were here alright.

[indistinct singing]

♪ The dream come true
the dream come true ♪♪

Hello, in there.

I'm looking
for a beautiful blonde

with a gorgeous smile.

She left!

She may be back
after she's had a bath

if you're lucky.

You okay?

[growls]

Looks like somebody got up
on the wrong side of the bed

this morning. Heh.

Well, it wasn't me, Frank

becauseIdon't have a bed.

I have a little patch of dirt
with a bunch of sharp rocks

that stick up into my ribs.

Uh, look, Carol, why..

Why don't we get away
from the kids for a while

and find a little spot
in the woods

get in touch with nature, huh?

No offense, Frank,
but you stink.

And I'm attracting flies.

[exhales]

Carol, let's just..

Honey, come on,
now wh-why don't you and I..

Let's just go down to the lake

a-and we'll take
a bath together.

The lake is 40 degrees.

It's filled with catfish and
algae and a 1987 pick-up truck!

Eh, come on, what happened
to that positive little lady

who was gonna give
camping a try?

She gave it a try, Frank

and after three days of fighting
off bat-sized mosquitoes

and playing Name That Meat..

...the only thing I am positive
of is that I hate camping.

Oh!

Argh!

[grunts]

Hey!

I just want you to know
that after three days up here

I am now out of astringent.

I hope you're satisfied.

[sighs]

See, Frank, it's not just me.

We all hate this.

Well, I'm sorry.

I just wanted everybody
to have fun.

Oh, Frank.

It's not your fault.

It wouldn't be so bad
if I didn't feel so base

so primal

so much like a savage.

Nice try, Carol,
but I'm not in the mood anymore.

[instrumental music]

[gasps]

Where do you think
you're going?

I'm going to the ranger station.

I don't care if it is 20 miles,
I can't take this anymore.

You can't go walking
into the woods by yourself.

There's bears out there.

Gee, I didn't think
you cared about me.

I don't.

[sighs]
My dad told me
to look out for you.

I mean,
if you get mauled by a bear

I can lose my TV privileges.

Your concern touches me,
but I'm going on.

Wait, wait.

I heard something.

Oh, come on, J.T.,
don't try and scare me.

It won't work.

[bear growling]

How did you do that?

I didn't do that.

Oh, God.

What do we do?

I'm not sure.

[growling]

Ah. Ah.

We either stay
completely still..

...or run as fast as we can.

[growling]

- Ah..
- I'll tell you what.

You stay completely still

I'll run as fast as I can.

Hey, there you guys are.

Hey, didn't I tell you
to not wander off like that.

You know it's dangerous
out here in the woods.

The woods are full of..
Well, they're full of those..

- Woah!
- Oh.

What do we do?

Look, there's no sense
making this a three-course meal.

You guys back up slowly
and find your way back to camp.

I'll take care of Yogi.

- Good plan, Frank.
- But, dad, I wanna--

No, no, it's okay. I'll be fine.

You guys go. Go.

Go. Go. Mm.

Okay, bear. Shoo!

[growling]

Okay.

Don't shoo, don't..

...shoo..

[growling]

Oh, what a nice big bear.

Uh, bear want a treat?

[whining]

Ooh, I have something
you're gonna love.

You're gonna love this treat.

It's got peanuts
and chocolate, nougat and..

Oh, what a nice big bear.

Oh, you're gonna love it.
It's gonna be fine.

Here you go
and there you go, bear.

Oh, good bear, good bear.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Home!

I've gotta get out
of these clothes

and burn them.

Oh, thank God, a mirror!

[screams]

We got a kitchen.

With food that wasn't looking
for food this morning!

Yeah.

[sighs]

[J.T.]
Unbelievable!

The truck rolled into the lake.

We almost got mauled by a bear.

The Fosters had a rotten time.

What a great camping trip!

[laughing]

Too bad the ranger came early.

Let's go get
the rest of the stuff.

Yeah, thanks, you guys.

Look, uh, Carol..

I-I know it was a tough weekend

but we got through it.

And I think that
we learned a few things

that we can use
on our next camping trip.

No, I know
what I learned, Frank.

I learned that there's not
gonnabea next camping trip.

Now, wait a minute.

Aren't you the one
who is always saying

we should do things together
as a family?

Yes.

But camping is not one of them.

Look, Frank, I learned a very
important lesson this weekend.

Families are made up
of individuals

and we should respect
our differences.

You know, we can do
a lot of things together

but we don't have to do
everything together.

[chuckles]
That's great.

For a minute I thought I was
gonna have to go to that opera.

Oh, you're going
to that opera with me, Frank.

You oweme.

Oh, whoa, wait a minute, now,
what about myindividuality?

Eh, yeah, well, you lost that

when I had to eat
rodentkebabs.

We are going
to the Wagner festival

and it will be the best
12 hoursyou ever spent.

Twelve hours?

And if you would like
to discuss this further

we will talk about it
in the shower.

Honey, opera gives me si..

"In the shower?"

Oh, you win some,
you lose some, ha-ha.

Well, you know Uncle Frank,
he's a pretty big dude.

He's about yay high.

Carol's got blonde hair.

They got six kids.

'One of them's a real fox.'

Well, not a real fox.

[chuckles]

[growling]

So have you seen
her or not, dude?

[theme music]

[bear growling]