Original subtitles

My name is Rock Slyde.

I blame my mother.

With a name like that, I was destined for one

of two career paths, detective work or porn.

After starring in two art films,

I decided the glamorous life of a porn star

wasn't for me.

Besides, I was hung like a hamster.

Dammit, Judy.

Sorry, rock.

Were you talking to yourself again?

No, I was thinking to myself.

Well, I'm sorry.

I just want to grab some old files

and do some follow-up.

Dim the lights.

That's Judy bee.

Years ago, I had placed an ad for a secretary.

I needed someone smart, someone driven.

Someone Chinese.

I probably should have done a little more research

on one applicant, Judy bee,

but her last name sounded oriental enough for me.

Plus she was the only one that applied.

It's hard to read the names on these files

with the lights off, rock.

Judy, I was thinking again.

What do you want me to do, rock?

We haven't had a new client in weeks.

I was gonna call some of the old ones

and see if they needed help.

Again.

Don't worry, something's right around the corner.

I can see it.

That's good, rock.

I like that attitude.

No, somebody's coming, go, move, look professional,

get in your office.

Lights.

Mr. Rock Slyde?

Yeah, Rock Slyde, detective for hire.

She had all the qualities I looked for in a woman

so many years ago.

Beautiful...

I need help.

And drunk.

Well, the a.A. Meeting's across the street.

They say you're the best private dick in town.

Alcoholics anonymous said that about me?

No kiddin'.

Mind if I smoke?

Mind if I tell ya that you smell like

my grandfather after bingo night at the elks club?

Are you insinuating that I'm drunk, Mr. slyde?

I'm a private investigator, ma'am,

I'm good at my job, I know you're drunk.

Well, that's good.

Because I'm probably too inebriated to drive

and find a real detective.

I guess you'll have to do.

Please don't put that in your referrals.

I can see by your awards and your accolades

that you must think you are in fact

quite the detective, Mr. slyde.

Runner up.

Colt division, 1970.

Runner up?

We won it the next year.

First place.

Colt division, 1971.

- See? - Congratulations, Mr. slyde.

Told you so.

You seem quite decorated, Mr. slyde.

Unfortunately, you haven't seen it all,

my father of the year mug is in the dishwasher.

What year would that be, Mr. slyde?

Was a long time ago.

Your awards mean nothing to me, Mr. slyde, in fact,

they have absolutely nothing to do with your profession.

She was on to something.

I believe it's in my best interests to sober up

and look for a private detective

who's better capable of handling my case.

You were drinking whiskey.

Something cheap.

Canadian thirst whiskey.

You drive something flashy.

Jaguar, xj6.

Xkr.

You like Italian food, the round noodles,

not the spaghetti ones.

You have a pet, no, a kitten, longhaired.

Do go on.

You're wearing white diamonds perfume

by Elizabeth Taylor, spray bottle,

1.75 ounces.

Four out of five ain't bad.

No, no, it's good.

Mr. slyde?

Yes, Judy.

I'm making lunch.

What kind of peanut butter do you want

on your sandwich?

Smooth.

So, do we have a deal?

You don't even know my name.

I could use my investigative instincts to figure that out.

Or I could just tell you.

Yeah, that would be much easier,

far less time consuming.

It's Sara Lee.

Pleasure.

Here's what I need from you.

- Somebody's following me. - I see.

Quite simply, I need to know who they are

and what they want.

I need round the clock surveillance.

Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

Can you help me, Mr. slyde?

Call me rock.

Rock.

All right, well, with expenses and,

and per diem?

Yes.

And per diem.

$400 a day.

I will give you $200 a day,

and I'll bake you a chocolate cake.

You can keep the chocolate cake, ma'am,

I'm on the South beach diet.

How about some sugar-free brownies?

Sure, whatever.

You drive a hard bargain, miss Lee.

I'm gonna take your case.

Then we have a deal.

You start tomorrow.

I... Look forward to working with you.

Closely.

Yeah, just...

Sorry.

Can I, can I invite you for a drink?

No thank you, I don't drink.

Listerine.

Good for the gums.

Maybe some other time.

Judy.

Yes, Mr. slyde?

Yeah, I want crunchy on that sandwich.

Yeah, rock, I figured.

The bartologists.

Members of the house of bartology,

the Starbucks of religions.

Growing rapidly, engorging on its own ambition,

the church had swollen in size through intimidation

and bullying.

Bartology had scared off every tenant

and taken over every office space in my building,

that is, every office space but one:

Rock Slyde's.

Somebody has to make a stand.

Can I help you Bart, o mighty leader?

It's blessed guru.

It's Bart.

I know what that is, I'm not signing it.

You will sign the papers.

You will sign the papers.

You will sign...

your mind control tactics don't work on me, sir.

Still not, still not, still not.

A little bit, right there.

What did I do?

Nothing.

Mr. slyde.

You are the only tenant in this building

who has not signed over their lease

to the house of bartology.

Why is that?

I don't do religion and I don't do politics.

What is it you do do, Mr. slyde?

He said do do.

Crossword puzzles.

Then perhaps you know a four-letter word

for something that frightens you.

I didn't say I was good at 'em,

I said that I did 'em.

Fear.

The answer is fear.

That doesn't really make sense.

Ghost.

Five letters.

Exit.

Exit?

Figure this out.

The house of bartology is more powerful

than you know, and far more superior

at crossword puzzles.

We will have your office space

one way or another, whether you like it or not.

Rock Slyde moves for no one,

now get out of my office, Bart.

We have ways of making you do things.

Make this easy on yourself, Mr. slyde,

or I will have to make it hard on...

Difficult on you.

Recruits, let's go.

So let me get this here straight.

You got no contact information on her,

and no payment.

I got a name and a handshake,

and that's as good as payment for Rock Slyde.

Well, if you don't mind me sayin' so,

Mr. slyde, that was very stupid.

Damn, she was right.

No, it wasn't.

Sounds dangerous, like you could get hurt.

I can sense danger.

Some people call it an instinct.

I call it a gift.

I call it stupid.

You don't even own a gun.

Just use this, and this.

A rape whistle?

Of course I'm not gonna use it only in case of rape.

Look, I got it for my wife, ex-wife susie.

I'm sorry.

I like your rape whistle.

It's a very nice rape whistle.

Thank you.

Okay, so I have one wonder muffin,

a wonder soda, and one wonder dog

with extra wonder?

That is correct, extra wonder.

Well, it doesn't mean anything, it doesn't even exist,

extra wonder.

You don't mean anything.

You don't exist.

I desire extra wonder on my dog.

Okay, buddy, you got it.

Your total's $6.37, please.

My money is no good here.

What?

My money... Is no good here.

You can't say that.

That would be my line.

If you went to go pay for it,

and I didn't want you to pay for it,

I would then say, "your money's no good here, sir."

But it doesn't work the other way around,

you can't make that call.

I believe I can make that call.

I see Randy wonder, the owner, approaching right now.

Well, good, maybe I'll just

refuse the right to serve you, then.

Hey, Randy, this chump doesn't want to pay

for his meal.

Greetings, Bart.

How are you this morning, Randy?

Is there anything I can do for you, blessed guru?

I would appreciate it if you would have David here fired.

Good one, idiot.

You're fired.

Are you serious?

He's serious.

Wow.

Wonder burger?

More like blunder burger.

This is like, the worst mistake you've ever made, guy.

I'm like, the best thing that's ever happened to this place.

How dare you fire me, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take my skill set and I'm gonna take my ged

and I'm wander over to burger place

and get a job there, what do you think about that?

Have a wonderful day, David.

Big mistake, big mistake.

Fry?

Don't mind if I do.

Morning, miss Lee.

Is it?

I was followed here by someone this morning.

There's more to the deal.

These brownies contain common table sugar.

Sugar was not part of the deal, sugar.

Rock, I need your help.

You're my last hope, I'm scared.

Well, then the deal still applies.

Rock Slyde would never leave a woman in distress.

I didn't understand the bartologists

and their unorthodox ways.

Each new recruit is started with an intense exercise program.

The members are to be flawless physical specimens,

perfect bodies, perfect minds.

Not everyone makes it.

This religion sucks.

- Cell phone. - Check.

- Camera. - Check.

- Mace and rape whistle combo. - Check.

- Magazines. - Check.

- Brownies. - Check.

Sounds like you're all set

for the big stakeout.

I'll be in close contact with you at all times.

I'll man the castle.

Let me know if Bart or the bartologists drop by,

they're up to something fishy.

I don't like fish.

You like crab.

Crab is not fish, crab is crab.

I wanted to impress my client with a car,

I needed something smart and fast,

something Magnum p.I. Would drive.

All I have to say is, mission accomplished.

Yeah, Rock Slyde, private eye.

Really, rock?

A bright red car?

Could you be any more conspicuous?

Please refrain from mocking my quasi-sedan.

I bet I find parking easier than you do.

You just don't look like you belong out there.

I'm a professional, miss Lee, relax.

I'm a master of disguise, a specialist

dealing in the trade of camouflage.

I'm gonna be meeting some girlfriends for coffee.

Very close girlfriends.

Follow me.

I will, miss Lee.

She circled "or."

Her answer was a riddle wrapped in an enigma.

I was bored, I was tired, it had been a long day.

Besides, it was Tuesday, the day when

the supermarket fliers come with the mail,

so I was anxious to get home and give 'em a read.

Can I interest you in a drink?

I don't drink, ma'am, and I don't drink with clients.

Professional integrity, you understand.

Whatever.

Your friend didn't show.

I have lots of friends.

Girls will be girls.

I'm gonna go home now.

I'll be right behind ya.

Hey.

Hey, man.

Did you ever find that guitar?

No.

That guitar was worth $15,000.

No guitar is worth $15,000.

Well, you definitely weren't worth the $75.

It was $100.

Great, you suck.

You keep making Satan's music.

Sara Lee was gone without a trace,

and I couldn't pick up her trail.

I was gonna have to do some serious detective work.

I was gonna have to scour the streets,

turn over every rock, dot every "I,"

and cross every "t."

After endless hours of searching the streets,

I figured Sara Lee for dead.

Or maybe she just went home.

It looked like something might be going down.

Orange chicken.

Rock.

Well, this is awkward.

What happened?

Apparently, someone jumped you.

Wasn't it you?

I was really hoping that you wouldn't ask that.

You well could've killed me.

That is why I always request payment up front.

You're a very intriguing man, Mr. slyde.

Come sit with me.

Miss Lee, I would rather discuss what happened

earlier today.

Someone was chasing me.

Who was chasing you?

That's what I hired you to find out.

Well, miss Lee, seeing as how you are safe at home,

I really need to be returning to the office,

detective stuff, you understand.

Yes, well, I'll see you tomorrow.

Not sure if today was a success or failure.

I did save miss Lee from being killed by an attacker.

Of course I was the attacker,

which would appear to nullify the whole

saving aspect.

Hello, rock.

Surprised?

More disappointed than surprised, really.

I respect your honesty, what are you doing out here, Bart?

Shouldn't you be on the street, recruiting people

for your religion?

People on the street couldn't possibly afford

my religion, Mr. slyde.

What's behind your back?

Nothing.

That is a set of 2002 key master lock picks,

sticky fingers, limited edition.

Why, yes it is.

Very good, Mr. slyde.

I have a nose for it.

Have a good evening, Bart.

Stay away from my office.

Just remember, it is virtually impossible

to pull a fast one over on me.

Well, you've obviously made that...

hey!

Take a seat, Mr. slyde.

Recruit, please.

Can I ask you a stupid question, Mr. slyde?

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people

who ask questions.

Yeah, one-zero me.

In my hands are two films.

Butt pirates of the Caribbean

and the jolly Roger, my two art films

from years ago.

A.K.A. Gay pirate porno musicals.

I feel like such the queen of the world.

I feel like we're flying.

Your neck is so powerful.

You complete me.

Wouldn't you hate to have these films exposed

to the public?

Jolly Roger is a maritime musical.

You have a very liberal take on the term

"sword fighting" in that one.

And quite an interesting swashbuckling sword,

I might add, in this one.

By the way, your sword appears to bend

sharply to the left.

Am I right?

What?

No, it's not like I actually watched them.

I said I didn't watch...

now I'm the bad guy.

He's the one in the films.

I was young, I needed money,

I answered an ad in the paper,

I didn't even know what bi-curious meant.

Are you familiar with black mail, Mr. slyde?

Race really had nothing to do with it,

I just don't like men, period, there's really...

that's not what I'm talking about.

Give us your office space and we won't go public

with your pornographic escapades!

Can't scare me, Bart, get out.

That didn't work.

Get out.

You will regret this, Mr. slyde.

Monkeys, let's go.

I had to get back to miss Sara Lee's case.

My gut instinct told me that I was gonna have

to partake in a little thing that all good detectives do,

the stakeout.

I had no idea how mind-numbingly boring

good detective work could be.

Days into the stakeout, and I only had one

solid suspect.

I had picked up on an interesting gentleman

that would visit miss Lee's residence every day

to deliver her mail.

He wore the appropriate uniform and a government-issued

mail bag, but I had my doubts.

There was one glaring flaw in his mailman disguise.

He was Jewish.

The unicorn, the chupacabra, the mighty jackalope,

and may I present mythical creature number four,

the Jewish mail man.

Good morning, 17251.

South.

Sir, I only feel it's fair to tell you

that I work for the united states postal service.

You show up every day at three o'clock

to miss Lee's house, why?

I deliver the mail.

Is that so?

His story checked out.

Hey.

Are you Rock Slyde?

Yes, I am.

From the jolly Roger.

No.

Wow.

Never use your real name

as your stage name.

I gotta get your autograph.

You're a pioneer, man.

You know, you blazed the trail for the whole

gay musical porno thing.

Man, man.

Wrong guy.

Wait till I tell the guys at boys r us I met you.

You got the wrong guy.

Really?

I was the other bosom buddy, so...

Sorry.

It's okay.

Happens all the time.

I'm gonna rain or sleet it.

Sorry about that.

You look just like him!

Judy.

Sorry, rock.

Didn't know you were there.

- I found them under your desk. - I was young and underpaid.

It was cold, you know.

Yeah.

Filmin' on the high seas, and...

That's what I thought. It's what I figured.

The fluffer, she was off that day.

That's a shame.

Yeah. Say, how's that miss Lee case going?

Please don't judge me.

No, I won't.

I won't.

Rock, what, you talkin' about that gay porn thing?

Jeez, I already forgot about it.

That's one of the reasons why susie left me,

took the kid.

I'm sorry.

I put on a brave face, like the jolly Roger did

when he had to stand up with his men

and fight against the mysterious creature

known simply as the jabberwanker.

But on the inside, I hurt.

Judy.

Please don't sing that song.

Sorry, rock.

It's a catchy tune.

Got it stuck up here in my noggin, you know?

I was late to start my day at miss Lee's.

Good thing I had picked up breakfast

for the road.

With no reasonable leads, no concrete suspects,

and a potentially pending restraining order

from the Jewish postal alliance,

I decided it was time to have a serious talk

with my client.

Well, miss Lee, I think our case

may be coming to a close.

What do you mean?

I've been out of the office, watching you like a hawk

every day, and I failed to see this pursuant once.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

No, maybe.

Does it involve musical porn?

Fortunately, just like the academy

or the Hollywood foreign press,

miss Lee had no knowledge of the musical porn genre.

However, she did convince me to stay on the case.

Plus, I was broke.

Judy.

They did a real top drawer job.

I needed to search for clues to determine

who was at the bottom of this.

Bartology cookies.

Fairly significant clue.

Damn dirty bartologists.

They left their calling cards all over my office.

Must have wanted to send me a little message.

Probably just some low-ranking minions

doing some light to moderate hazing.

Or not.

Slip-resistant non-marking soles

made by a five-year-old Indonesian boy, size 10.

Bart.

Yah?

So, we don't open

until seven A.M., so, danke schön.

I let former president Alexander Hamilton

do my talking.

The... we are a nonprofit organization.

Don't forget to write this little bribe off

for the tax purposes.

Yeah, and deductions?

Sounds fraudulent.

Nein.

There is only truth here at the house of bartology,

please come in.

Not here for taxes or truth,

I'm here for answers.

Actually, truth would be nice to,

incorporate in the answer portion.

Then you've come to the right place.

Please, have a seat.

No seats, either, where's Bart?

The blessed guru does not arrive

until noontime.

Here, these are some free personal evaluation forms

for you to fill out.

Fill them out!

And I'll get you some free cookies.

Here they are.

Pass.

You must not pass.

They're free.

If you will eat them.

Everyone enjoys them.

Once you completely fill out the forms,

we will then be able to determine

what a terrible und lacking person you are.

That enables us to determine

which bartology pathway best suits you.

Enjoy.

Und I'll just need your social security number,

your bank account information, and your MySpace passwords.

It's absolutely normal, there's...

no dice.

You tell Bart Rock Slyde means business.

What sort of business?

By the time I had walked back to my office,

the bartologist had already followed up

with another personal evaluation form.

They were good.

The little German said it could change my life.

I decided to give it a shot.

Maybe he was right, maybe something was missing.

For example, why do I rely on positive ebay feedback

to boost my self-image?

I find myself putting everything I own on ebay auctions,

just to feel the rush when a buyer is satisfied

and gives me praise.

Like when 2bearfurry gives me a star and comments on me

by saying I'm an a+ seller, he'd buy from me again.

It's good to have people that love you in your life.

Even if it is only because you sold 'em a pair

of steel reinforced police-issue handcuffs

for $11.37 plus shipping and handling.

Besides, if a healthy dose of the feedback forum page

is my only addiction, then my vices are few.

I'm just fine.

Something was odd.

Judy bee usually shows up at approximately 7:30 A.M.

To start her day.

Coffee by 7:38 A.M.

And the bartologist recruits begin their sprints

at exactly 7:43.

The bartologists had begun their daily exercise regimen,

but no Judy bee and no coffee.

Judy.

Hi, rock.

I'm not coming in today.

I'm calling in sick.

This is outrageous.

To come into my office and take away something

so dear to me.

My ability to have freshly brewed Colombian coffee.

I needed time to think, to devise a plan,

I needed a coffee and had absolutely no idea

how to work the coffee maker.

Damn you, bartology.

Can I get you some breakfast, Mr. slyde?

Another cup of hot Joe.

'Course.

Something the matter this morning?

What is it?

Nothing.

You can tell me anything.

Nothing, really.

Just, all right, have you ever had

someone you care about snatched by

a quasi-religious cult whose primary goal

rests on destroying your business

and commandeering your office space?

I cannot say that I have.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

I've never cared deeply about someone.

Do you love her?

I can't love, it's impossible for me

to ever feel that emotion again, my heart is frozen.

Maybe I can thaw it for you.

A thousand monkeys operating a thousand microwaves

for a thousand years couldn't thaw this icy heart.

It's beautifully melancholic and yet so...

So tragically poetic.

I'm sorry, it's just not Judy's.

Well, there are other things I can do for you

that Judy bee cannot.

- Laundry? - Sex.

I've taken quite a liking to you, rock.

Do you find me attractive?

She was strangely alluring.

Or was it the fact that I hadn't gotten any

in a really long time?

Are you attracted to me?

Sorry, I like black women.

It started off as a phase, really.

I was young and found myself watching "soul train"

every Saturday morning.

It really was the chicken or the egg theory at work.

Did I like black women because I watched "soul train"

or did I watch "soul train" because I liked black women?

All the women were compelling, even the lone

ever-present dancing Asian girl.

But it was the images of those African queens,

shaking what the good lord gave 'em, that I could never

get out of my head.

I didn't see that one coming.

I gave a white woman a shot.

Her name was Susan.

We were married, had a kid.

She left me, end of story.

You have to give white women a chance again, rock.

I'm sorry, miss Lee, but just like Dorothy's tin man,

I too simply have no heart.

I'm not giving up on you, rock.

A lost cause, miss Lee.

Save it for someone else.

No.

Please.

Yah, blessed guru, you wished to see me?

We have an update from down...

Mr. Rock Slyde in the office below

has gone from a nuisance to a Nemesis.

Yah, he's been snooping...

he has been shnooping...

he has been snooping around.

I do not want to see his face in this church at all.

Well, we've begun a new phase with...

we've begun a new phase.

We have his secretary.

Judy...

and once the evaluation beings...

she would...

answer...

all the...

questions...

from the evaluation specialist...

damn!

From the evaluation specialist...

s...

Good.

Then everything is going exactly as planned.

His business could not possibly survive

without Judy bee.

It will crumble from within,

and we will be there to pick up the pieces.

You may go.

Okay.

Okay, Judy.

Before we begin the evaluation process,

do you have any questions at all?

Yeah, do you have any questions?

Will I be a better person?

Of course you will, darling.

Yeah, have some more cookies.

Now, I need you to answer all these questions

as openly and as honestly as possible.

And if you do, you will be treated

with kindness and charity.

How do you feel about your mother?

I love her dearly...

and how does herr slyde feel about his muti?

His mother.

His mother, his mom, how does he feel?

She is a plump and unpleasant woman.

He had a hard life.

There is a surplus of cookies available now

in the main floor library.

You're welcome.

Computer.

Perfect.

Intercom.

Frau bee...

What are herr slyde's weaknesses?

How do we get to him?

What are his...

Inner demons?

And what's his favorite color?

Judy bee hadn't shown up to work in a week.

I hadn't had my coffee and I was ready to call it quits

on Sara Lee's case.

Judy!

Judy, hey.

Judy, what are you doin'?

Hello rock.

I didn't see you there.

How are you today?

Where have you been and why are you talkin' like that?

The church of bartology, rock.

This is what a terrible person I was here with you.

That is not true.

Judy, don't believe this.

Soon I will be a productive member of society again.

Snap out of it, Judy, Judy, please,

for the love of God.

You gotta show me how to use that coffee maker.

Where are you goin' with my files, Judy?

The church of bartology.

No, you're not.

All right, Judy, you are not goin' anywhere today.

I have to go watch Sara Lee at her residence.

What if the phone rings?

Good thinkin', Judy.

Answer it.

It could be business.

You cannot keep me here.

The power of bartology is far too great.

Judy, I am not gonna let them control your mind, okay?

You stay put and I'll be back by lunch.

Pastrami on rye okay?

Bologna.

Miss Lee was not at her residence.

It was noon and a weekday

so I knew where I could find her.

Besides, I could really use a stiff drink myself.

More ginger ale, sir?

Don't be shy with it.

Tell me about your wife.

What was she like?

She was beautiful

and so full of life.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know she passed.

She lives in palmdale.

She ran off with a fellow that looks like balki

from "perfect strangers"

or cousin Larry... I really can't remember.

Maybe it was sort of both,

like a balki/cousin Larry illegitimate lovechild.

Ghastly.

She had big dreams in a small town.

She didn't have the resources to chase celebrities

so she became addicted to men that look like them.

You have a beautiful face.

Thank you.

It was 1986,

the first season of "perfect strangers" on abc.

Don't be scared.

I'm not, I just don't like people touching me.

It was an entertaining afternoon with miss Lee,

but I was eager to get back to real life,

to Judy bee, to the bartologists.

Judy?

Got you your bologna sandwi...

Damn, the bartologists strike again.

This is a devastating blow.

Judy bee could be in grave dange... yes!

Coffee!

Monkeys to the front desk, monkeys to the...

where's Judy?

Herr slyde.

So good to see you again.

How unusual.

I wanna join the house of bartology.

Yeah, sure you do.

I'm a horrible person and I have lots of...

nice try.

Look, I'm... I'm stupid

and dumb, and,

I smell bad like a rancid ape.

My mother hates me.

I got problems.

I pee in the shower and,

I still think pluto's a planet.

I don't care what anybody says,

I'm a fan of Dane cook's.

Bartology, I need your help.

We have special instructions

straight from the mouth of the blessed guru himself.

Bart.

Yeah, besides,

frau bee brought by your credit report.

I didn't even realize that 17 was a fica score.

That morning, I had received a disturbing message from Judy.

She was moving in with the bartologists

and would not be reporting back to work.

Wasn't even about the coffee anymore;

It has come to my attention that I may...

Miss her.

I needed to find out exactly what the bartologists' van

was doing outside of my client's house.

Coming!

I needed to be smooth to get to the bottom

of the bartology/sara Lee connection,

to not show her my hand,

to play it cool and keep an unyielding poker face.

Are you a bartologist?

To not do that.

Is that an accusation of some sort, Mr. slyde?

Because I have to say I am deeply offended.

Answer the question, ma'am.

I prefer to keep my religion and my politics to myself,

although the rest of me is wide open.

Like this door?

Sorry about that.

Come in.

Are you a bartologist?

Rock, don't ask me that.

Answer the question.

What do you want me to say?

Just answer me, that's all.

All right, yes, it's true!

Is that what you wanted to hear?

It all started to make sense:

The van,

the pyramid paraphernalia.

I had just written it off as coincidence.

Rock, I didn't mean to hurt you.

You are one sick breed, miss Sara Lee,

if that is your real name.

I can't believe I opened up to you.

Rock, I'm not even a practicing bartologist.

I... I signed up, but I never went

to the required new recruit initiation film and seminar.

Why then?

Why do it?

'Cause I was lonely.

I needed friends.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm...

I'm alone.

I mean, I have no one.

I have noticed, I've been doing surveillance on you, remember?

After I paid the initiation fee,

I realized that it wasn't for me,

but they...

Came around and made me feel so special.

They asked me to do a little task for them

to help them grow the house of bartology.

This whole thing is a sham set up by Bart

to get me out of my office.

I just wanted them to like me.

Women.

Figures.

But then I met you.

Rock, you're so different.

That's precisely why I do not become friends with my clients.

But we're friends, right?

Friends don't do this to friends.

So you're friends with me because you actually like me

as opposed to the bartologists who pretend to be my friend

because I paid them a huge, extortionate fee.

That reminds me, you owe me 200 dollars for the day.

Right, of course.

It's a shame that is has to end this way, miss Lee.

It doesn't have to end, rock.

Yes, it does.

Rock, please, I'm a sad woman.

My favorite days are Tuesdays.

The day the new supermarket flyers come out.

I rely on the feedback form pages for friends

and companionship.

The ebay feedback forum.

I know it's sad, rock,

but I know you could never understand.

No, I do understand.

I'm sorry.

I feel your pain.

I'll do anything.

I just want to be with you.

Wow.

Funny how the air smelled a little sweeter,

the birds sang a little smoother,

and I felt so alive.

I'm not sure, but I think I almost got to first base.

Obviously made by a key from a 2007 escalade,

jet black, four-wheel drive.

Who was he and why did he want to harm

my red mini mini sedan?

Brtlgy.

What did it mean?

Where were the vowels?

Was it some cryptic code?

Hey man, can you spare a dime or some change?

I ain't eaten in days.

I have nothing for you.

Grab me a burger or somethin'?

I'll tell you what I will do for you.

I will let you lick the cheese off my hamburger wrapper

when I'm done.

Man, there ain't no cheese on a hamburger wrapper.

I know.

Touché, Bart, touché.

It's fair, he did it to me first.

Hello, Mr. slyde.

I believe you know Randy wonder,

owner of wonder burger?

Also a bartologist.

Hello, I am a bartologist.

Have a seat, Mr. slyde.

Sorry for interrupting your little meeting.

What, Bart, are you plannin' on pressin'

your mind-controllin' cookie substance

into the hamburger buns of the wonder burger franchise

so that you can gain control of the masses

who consume the fine wonder burger product worldwide

and convert them to your religion?

Not a bad idea, Mr. slyde.

- Oops. - Judy bee...

I believe she is your assistant...

has come to us seeking answers and truth.

You can key my car, Bart,

but you can't take my coffee maker.

But I would never key your car, Mr. slyde.

- Never? - Never ever.

- Never ever ever? - Never ever ever.

Never ever infinity?

Yes, Mr. slyde, never ever infinity.

Then how do you explain this?

Well,

obviously the inside of my key shaft is...

Painted red.

Robin red.

You're the detective.

Flightless Robin red.

This color was only used

on cars that were manufactured

in akron, Ohio, between '07 and '08.

I should know this...

because you own one.

Because I'm a detective

and I have a nose for this kind of stuff.

Enough.

I have your assistant,

I will soon have your lease.

I have no need for you.

I am in control of your life now.

Don't be so sure, Bart.

What word am I thinking of right now?

Pilates.

Gingivitis.

No.

No, that wasn't it.

I heard you were snooping around my church this morning

before we were open for business.

How very unprofessional of you, Mr. slyde.

Actually, I'm a detective, so snooping is my job.

In fact, that was very professional of me.

I stand corrected.

How very professional of you.

By the way, I keyed your car.

Thought you should know.

You are a monster.

You're a religious man.

Eye for an eye.

You understand.

That car is like my child.

Great, table for two.

Me and the creepy guy.

My poor baby.

Well, I'll be damned.

Fat bum with a crowbar.

I will get you for this, Rock Slyde!

I had a lot to think about.

The fat bum had really done a number on Bart's car

and I seemed to have been left with the blame.

Judy was lost, Sara Lee's case was over,

and the supermarket flyers hadn't come

with the mail this Tuesday.

I needed an ebay fix.

The house of bartology will get you for your transgressions

against the house of bartology.

Someone had obviously been here.

My guess?

The house of bartology.

Nothin' unusual on the inside.

I must have scared 'em off before they could get knee deep

in their criminal antics.

It had already been a full day

and I found myself in need of a drink.

Just give me the good stuff, baby.

Nothin' a little positive feedback

and a swig of listerine can't fix.

That's the ticket.

No.

No, no, no, how can this be?

My perfect record.

Dammit.

This has gone too far.

I felt the cold shard of my shattered mug

against my skin.

I wanted to scream,

I wanted to cry.

But Rock Slyde doesn't cry;

He gets even.

You really think you can put all the pieces back together?

Yeah, it's just like a three-dimensional Jigsaw puzzle

where the pieces don't all fit together.

Sounds easy enough.

We need to finalize the plan.

Have you thought any more about my ideas?

You know that was pepper spray, right?

It was.

Yeah.

You okay?

It burns.

Burns, I know.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

And keep brainstormin'.

I'll...

I'll keep gluing.

Are you okay?

Like a new man.

So let's talk about the plan.

Let's start with the basics.

What do we know about Bart?

Well, we know that he has

an extensive knowledge of gay porn.

How do we know that?

He knew all about the jolly Roger.

What's that?

Well, it's...

It's a candy, right?

The jolly...

It's a, restaurant chain, the jolly Rogers,

and we used to have one down the...

Excuse me.

There was somethin' uncanny

about Bart knowin'

about the jolly Roger.

My guess is that it might not

just be a simple coincidence.

Bingo.

¶ If you want a challenge,

well, I'm well-equipped ¶

excuse me, miss Lee,

but I believe I will be

burning the midnight oil.

Okay, rock.

Anything I can do to help?

Actually, yes.

Call a delivery service, schedule a pickup

for tomorrow morning bright and early.

If I was going to expose Bart and rescue Judy bee

from the clutches of bartology,

I was gonna have to trace Bart's prominent rise

back to his very roots.

Using what little information I had to go on,

I knew the task ahead was tough.

It was go time.

Yeah, hello ebay customer service.

Yeah, I got a question about my account.

Account username bartbartologist3.

Yeah, that's right, that's right.

Well, just make sure that Alex wears his helmet,

otherwise he'll hurt himself.

Well, he's French... I've got to go.

Hello sir, can I help you?

I need you to sign right here.

Yeah.

What is it I'm signing for?

This big ass pyramid.

Yes, and, who sent this big ass pyramid?

Says right there, it's...

House of bartology Hollywood.

It's from the Hollywood.

Yeah, it's very nice.

The blessed guru will be very excited.

Thank you, sir.

So...

Mr. delivery man,

are you happy

with your career?

Are you kiddin', man?

My job sucks.

So what if I told you I could make it better?

I'm listening.

Here,

fill out these forms.

You know, I need to get back to my truck.

I got a lot of deliveries.

What do we have here?

Some free cookies.

Thank you for the coffee.

You are such a...

Talented coffee maker.

You're welcome.

Please pick up your feet while you are walking.

You're scuffing the floors.

Did that pyramid just play the William tell overture?

Maybe it's a musical pyramid.

Yeah, it makes sense, being from the Hollywood.

Yeah.

Rock!

Are you in yet?

This is a really bad time for me to talk.

Attention!

Attention everyone!

It is now time for the six o'clock screening.

If you will all please make your way

over to the screening room,

we will begin immediately.

Thank you.

Yes, you're right.

Looking back now,

I probably should have

put my phone on vibrate.

Be careful,

and call me if you need me.

Okay.

I should go now.

And rock?

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

- And... - I gotta go.

- By now, miss Lee. - Okay, call me back!

Very good.

Yeah.

I was in the belly of the beast,

and it was all thanks to a little story

about a trojan horse and a bunch of greedy idiots.

Unlike trojan horses, pyramids have no eyes.

Once again, hindsight slaps me in the face.

Time for plan b.

Hello bartology brethren.

Have you tried one of our cookies yet?

I sure have,

and good.

Possibly mind numbing.

They've made my life exceptional.

These bartologists were helpful,

but I needed more.

I needed to know where to find Bart.

Lookin' for a Judy bee.

Bart be with you.

Is there a Judy bee?

Judy, Judy bee?

Bart be with you.

Cookies.

Cookies.

Cookies.

Cookies.

I will submit my bank account statements to bartology.

I will submit my bank account statements to bartology.

The blessed guru does not lie.

The blessed guru does not lie.

Lost.

Sad.

Not so sad.

Finance.

Relationships.

Career.

Future.

Bartology.

Real common soon bartology.

The future of humans.

Cookies.

Cookies.

Cookies.

Cookies.

I will surrender to bartology.

Hello?

Rock?

It's me, Sara Lee.

How are things going?

I'm watching this film over here

and the plot's really confusing,

but it's comin' together.

Rock, listen to me.

That's the new recruit film.

You didn't eat the bartology cookies, did you?

- No cookies. - Good.

You're supposed to be rescuing Judy bee.

You're right.

You're right, I can probably put this one on my netflix queue.

Cookies.

Okay, now rock, I wanted to tell you...

you know what?

You know what?

Gotta go. I gotta go rescue Judy bee.

Cookies.

Cookies.

Cookies.

Cookies.

If anyone knew where to locate Bart,

it was his lackeys.

But they are rigorously trained to hold his secrets.

How could I get them to divulge the information?

They don't crack, they don't break,

they don't even speak.

Where's Bart?

They point.

Come closer.

Why don't you sit on my lap?

That way you can see the text as I read it out loud to you.

There you go.

I had to play it smart.

I had to wait for the precise moment

to intervene.

Your lap is so bony.

Is it hot in here?

How about I take off this shirt?

Getting warmer.

Look at that.

I pre-lubed my torso, baby.

Warmer.

Do you like my dime-sized nipples?

Twenty cents for you.

Enough!

Hello?

Housekeeping.

Housekeeping.

Excuse me.

I'm just a huge fan, Bart, a huge damn fan.

Wow, you are a bit greasy.

Well, it's always nice to meet a fan.

Now's not the time.

What's your name, recruit?

I know you.

You're from that '80s pop sensation duo,

hall & oates.

And that's precisely who I am.

Can I come in now?

Mr. maneater.

Please.

Judy, out.

We'll continue our religious studies later.

Judy.

Please,

what is a happening celebrity like yourself

doing here with me?

You could put your shirt back on now,

that'd be nice.

I prefer it like this.

No thank you, I just ate.

What's the idea with these bartology cookies anyway?

So tasty.

Well, instead of sugar,

we use a mind-controlling granulated substance

to sweeten them.

But of course you,

being from Hollywood...

I'm sure you're quite aware of that sort of yum yums.

Rock Slyde.

In the flesh.

This is your biggest mistake yet,

and quit looking at my nipples.

Why are you here?

Three reasons.

One, I want Judy back.

She's more than just a coffee maker.

Two, I'm gonna confiscate your tax records

and prove that you're committing a felony.

You're washed up, Bart, you're done.

What's three?

I mentioned takin' Judy back.

Yeah.

And, I know I just covered, the tax fraud idea

and takin' the papers and, whatnot.

Maybe there's just two.

Well played, Mr. slyde.

Well played.

But I'm afraid it's too little too late.

Judy bee's already gone through the evaluation process

and she has been fed a steady diet

of gratifying bartology cookies.

It's over.

Once again,

you have failed as a detective.

Really?

I know all about you, Bart Schwartz.

How did you know my real last name?

You grew up in des moines, Iowa.

You were a substitute weather man for kvkt,

the number four station in the number 159th market.

- No. - As fate would have it,

the casting director for terms of endearment

was doing some local scouting for the film,

and through simple happenstance,

caught one of the four times

you actually did the weather on air that year.

- This can't be. - Right place, right time.

You were cast as "police officer number two"

in the academy award-winning feature.

Now stop it.

Thinkin' you caught your big break,

you caught the next bus to Hollywood,

all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Unfortunately, you never got another acting job.

Shut up!

Except for one.

"Gay pirate number seven" in the jolly Roger.

Stop it, don't say any more!

After that comes the missing years,

where I presume you studied pseudo-religious movements

in a vain attempt to discover your spiritual side,

which sadly led to your desire for acceptance

and ultimately power.

How could you possibly unearth all of this?

You must have the FBI and... and the CIA.

I just typed your name into Google.

I'll kill you.

It sounded worse than it looked.

I had ballpoint pen in my pocket.

Attention bartologists.

Bartologists, this is your blessed guru.

Wait.

This is God.

Yes, I do exist.

All those with ears listen to what I say.

You must no longer be controlled

by the bartologist ways.

I need to locate Judy bee.

I need her to know that I... I want her to come back.

More importantly, I need her to come

to Bart's office immediately.

You are called to unite.

Put down your cookies, smash them, rebuke them.

Rise up!

Rise up.

Rise up!

Rise up!

Are you God?

Judy.

Judy, no, I am not God,

I am rock, Rock Slyde, private investigator.

I care about you.

I don't know any Rock Slyde.

Come on, Judy, you work for me.

You're...

With me,

make the best damn cup of coffee

this side of the Mississippi.

I do?

Judy, come on.

Judy, surely you must remember me.

Yes, Judy, you remember.

I remember!

I remember!

Rock Slyde, gay porn star.

Close enough.

I'm not even gonna charge you for this rescue, Judy.

This one's on the house.

Come on.

Bartologists, you are called to end this religion,

tear down the walls of this establishment.

I do not wanna see another wall standing

except for unit 101,

which belongs to Rock Slyde, private eye.

My Bart, I'm freaking out!

Rock, what are we gonna do?

How are we gonna get out of here?

I have an idea that may work.

That's great, what is it?

Run.

That's a great idea?

Bartology treats me with kindness and charity.

Cookies.

Order!

Order here!

Will everyone please move...

And so it was done.

The house of bartology was no longer.

Bart was arrested on tax fraud and money laundering,

and I discovered that there's a quirky little law

where you get 15% percent of the tax dollars

recovered by the government when you turn in a tax fraud.

It's form 211 if you're interested

and it's a goldmine.

God bless the usa.

Dammit.

Sorry rock.

You were thinkin' again, weren't you?

I know, lights.

Judy bee came back to work with me pro Bono.

She's received a hundred thousand dollar advance

to write a book on her life inside a cult.

Sara Lee and I went on a little vacation to Hawaii

where we figured out apparently

that the ebay feedback form

and Tuesday's supermarket flyers

aren't enough to keep two people together.

Besides,

I still like black women.

Damn, that was hot.

I feel like such the queen of the world.

I feel like we're flying.

I think that was a rogue wave.

Snap out of it, Judy!

Snap out... God!

Did I catch your nose?

Have to wash my...

Socks?

It's too much.

Stop.

- You. - Sorry.

I'm serious.

I'm sorry.

Captioned by video caption corporation www.Vicaps.Com