All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s08e11_English

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Ooh, Jen,
smells wonderful in here.

Thanks.
I told the geology club

the motto for our bake sale is

"If you want to make dough,
make dough."

[chuckles] Ooh, a club
that loves puns. Ah.

Well, I wish I could stay
and help you,

but I just don't have
the, um...

the thyme.
[laughs]

You're running for office--
you have a lot to do.

Plus, Mr. Baxter is really
looking forward to helping.

Mm. Well, I've known him
a long time,

and he's not.

Hey, Jen.
I got the afternoon off,

so we can teach that
geology club that you rock!

VANESSA:
Oh, hey, no.

Uh-uh.

Puns are our thing.

It's nice that you're excited
to help.

Yeah. I get to teach
the capitalism I love

to a teenager
that I... tolerate.

I'm so excited.

When's the first lesson?

Right now.

I'd love one of these muffins.

Oh, okay.
Here you go.

-You're selling them, right?
-Yes.

How much...
are you selling them for?

Oh, right.

Four dollars.

Um...

I'm-I'm hungry.

Okay.

Give me four dollars
and start eating.

MIKE:
No.

I'm starving.

He's starving

for that particular muffin.

Oh, I meant $100.

Yeah.

I'm starving, I'm not an idiot.

Fine, then ten. But that's
the lowest I'll go.

-Yes.
-[laughs]

Wow, that was fun.

-Why am I shaking?
-Whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's a money high.

The sweet buzz of capitalism.

Thank you.

Hey, where's my money?

Think of me as the government.

Just add it to the debt.

♪

You know, if the geology club
wins this competition,

-we get to choose
our own field trip.
-Ooh.

And we picked the Grand Canyon.

You guys live in Colorado,
just go outside,

look at the mountains
and then go to Vegas.

I can't wait to finally beat
the chemistry club.

And it will all be thanks

to the Mike Baxter School
of Business.

Way too long. It should be
"Mike Baxter...

S.O.B."

Okay, our product is now ready
for purchase.

-What's next?
-Okay, next lesson.

Number two
is geographical advantage.

I'm guessing that means
finding the perfect place

for me to set up my stand.

Bingo.

It would be good business
to sell surfboards

and Spam in Hawaii,

and good business
to sell dunce caps

at Democratic conventions.

Okay, okay.
So I need to find a place

where people will really want
baked goods.

Your teachers must love you.

Where in Denver

will we find people
with the munchies

that don't mind paying
[singsongy]: high prices?

At Bud's Buds.

-Mr. Baxter, you are a genius.
-[chuckles]

Yeah. Well, a genius would knowto put the seat down.

What did he do today?

He came up with the perfect
place for my bake sale.

That's right.
I'll give Ryan a call,

and we'll set up in front
of the pot shop.

Oh...
So the geology club gets to go

to the Grand Canyon
because of "stoners."

[both laughing]

You know, puns are our thing.

This is all so exciting.

I can't wait for my next lesson

with "Mike Baxter-- S.O.B."

He must've left the seat up
for her, too.

-[alarm beeps]
-Okay, 5:00.

Pour.

Guys, guys, big news.

Kyle finally picked a college.

-Whoa.
-Oh. Hallelujah.

I was gonna drink to nothing,
but I'll drink to that.

Yeah.

We've been listening to Kyle
agonize over this decision

-every lunch hour for-for weeks.-Mm-hmm.

Oh, really?
Every lunch hour?

Kyle talks about it
during dinner,

when we're getting ready
for bed, and after we...

Uh, he talks about it a lot.

Does he talk to you about it
while you're trying to drink?

Because that's annoying.

-Well, look, he is
on his way here now...
-What's this?

...to tell us he finally chose

-Brooksdale College.
-[whoops]

And we are going
to support that 100%.

-Ooh!
-That's great.

This decision has to stick--
do you understand me?

Do you understand me?!

Yeah, right. T-Totally.

[overlapping cheers]

Thank you! Uh, so long,
other college brochures.

I'll miss your photos
of sunlit classrooms

and ethnically diverse
Frisbee teams.

What's going on?
I heard cheers.

Usually that only happens
when I leavea room.

Kyle finally picked a college.

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
-[whoops]

He is going to Brooksdale.

Brooksdale, huh?
Well, that's a...

that's a choice, I guess.

What-what does that mean?

Oh, he's kidding or stupid.

Either way, we don't listen.

You, uh, you didn't
send them any money

or anything already, did you?

What? Why?

Don't listen to Joe.

He's only an expert
on one thing--

nothing.

Which is still more
than your average

Brooksdale graduate, huh?

Joe, Kyle wants to go there,

and we want Kyle to go there.

So shut up.

Look, fine, look,
forget I said anything, okay?

My blood sugar's low.

I haven't had my before-dinner
doughnut yet.

I-I don't know.

Maybe Brooksdale isn't
the perfect choice, after all.

What?

I'm gonna reopen the search.

It's gonna be a long night.

I'll be right back.

Someone's about to choke
on his before-dinner doughnut.

That Mandy.

Always trying to save a life.

That's four Rice Krispie treats,three brownies and a lemon bar.

You already paid me.

Baked goods-- get it?

[inhales]
Baked good.

Principal Larabee.

Welcome to Jen's Table
of Tantalizing Treats.

-Hey, guys.
-Hey, Carol.

What are you doing here?
I never took you

for a fan
of the devil's lettuce.

Officially?

No.

No, I-I heard
Jen had set up shop

outside of a dispensary,

and I had to come
see it for myself.

Here's a fun fact--
gluten-free, right?

So the stoners think
they're getting a deal

because they don't have
to pay for the gluten.

I'm telling you,
Principal Larabee,

as long as I'm selling here,

this contest is as good as over.

Well, that's great news
for the chemistry club

because you can't
sell here anymore.

What?

It's not a good image
for our school.

Well, neither is
a football team that goes 0-10

in a nine-game season.

Jen, if you want
to stay in this contest,

you got to sell
your baked goods elsewhere.

Whoa, whoa, C-Carol!

Carol, hold on a second,
hold on a second.

You're aware that weed is legal?

She's not doing
anything wrong here.

Mr. Baxter, this is my business.

-I'll handle it.
-Okay.

How big of a taste do you need

to forget you were ever here?

I'm sorry, Jen.

Shut it down.

So what does baloney have
to do with fighting the man?

I think it's the nitrates.

Rumor has it,

when Napoleon admitted defeat
to the Russians,

he turned to his generals
and he said,

"Oh, mon dieu!No baloney."

Got it.

So, what's our game plan
at the school board meeting?

There'll be a couple hours
of stuff going on

even C-SPAN wouldn't show.

And then they open up the floorto civilians like us.

We give them the what for.

What's a "what for"?

That's where you kick ass.

You haven't broken any laws,

there's no reason
to shut you down.

-We're like superheroes.
-Yes.

Maybe someday people
will make a movie about us.

Yeah, yeah. Animated ones.

I like the animated ones
with-with spacemen.

Hey.

Hey, baby.

-Oh, you're eating baloney.
-Mm-hmm.

Who are you fighting?

We're headed to
the school board meeting

to slap them with a for what.

Did I do that right?

[stammers]
Language evolves.

Why, uh, why are you fighting
the school board?

Principal Larabee said I can't
sell outside the pot shop.

Oh, no. No, really?

Yeah, got a complaint
from some lame-o parent

turned... [blows]
...whistleblower.

But we're gonna keep
the "free" in free market.

Uh, yeah. Yeah.
Well, you know what?

Maybe-maybe don't take it
to the school board.

Too late-- I've already
got the baloney in me.

The rocket is primed,
ready to go.

Mr. Baxter said
there's no greater thrill

than being told,
"You're out of order!"

-Yeah, you're out of order.
-You're out of order.

Yeah, you're out of order, yeah.We got to get going, man.

Before the magic of that
processed meat wears off.

Yeah. No, Mike. Stop, stop,
stop, stop. Yeah, no, uh...

The-the school board doesn't
know anything about this.

Uh, Carol shut you down
because of me.

-What?
-You're the whistleblower?

I mentioned to Carol that you
were selling at the pot shop

because I thought
it was a cool idea.

-She didn't.
-Why?

Well, she thought
it might hurt my campaign

if Slattery heard about it.

Like, he-he's known
for smearing his opponents.

You know,
when you think about it,

-it actually makes some sense.
-Yeah.

Jen, we're not going anywhere.

Honey, look.
Uh... Carol didn't tell me

what she was gonna do.
I'm so sorry.

I-I didn't know
she was gonna shut you down.

You guys just better
not piss me off.

Because I-I've got
a belly full of baloney.

You guys wanted to see me?

You're damn right we did.

What the hell were you doing,

scrambling up Kyle's brains
over this college thing?

Yeah, kid's brain
comes scrambled.

He doesn't need your help.

Forgive me for looking
out for the guy, all right?

I like him.
He reminds me of Doug...

the only dog I ever liked.

We held Kyle's hand for weeks

while he agonized over picking
the perfect college.

Yeah, yeah.
And where do you get off

badmouthing Brooksdale College
anyway?

I know the place.

I used to teach there.

-What?
-What?

I-Is this some kind
of Make-A-Wish thing?

I was a professor
in the English department.

-What?
-What?

[sighs]

Brooksdale is fine
for 20th Century America,

but Brit Lit-- pish and posh.

No. No.

No, no.
You-you barely speak English.

There's-there's no way
you taught it.

You don't know everything
about me.

-Well, we know
you're a bonehead.
-Yeah.

Look, I didn't plan
on being an academic, okay?

But I ended up at Dartmouth
after my book was published.

-Dartmouth?
-Book?

It got a lot of attention.

Critics called it a revelation.

It dealt with themes
of perception,

existential angst
and alienation.

And-and this-this book
was called...

What the Cat Sees.

It's a kids' book.

At least,that's what it was about for me.

But critics, you know...

W-Well,
I know what you're gonna do.

You're-you're gonna go talk
to Kyle.

That's right.
You scrambled him up--

you're gonna put the pieces
back together.

That's what we call
a mixed metaphor.

Where'd you go to college, Ed,
Brooksdale?

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

What-What the Cat Sees?
[chuckles]

I used to read that book
to Brandon when he was little.

You're Professor Puddle?

[English accent]:
At your service, sir.

Principal Larabee
didn't even mention you

when she shut us down.

She's just trying to keep
her candidate's hands clean.

[a la Brando]: The Godfather
doesn't need to know

the details.

I don't know. I-I thinkshe was just trying to eliminate

a problem
before it became a problem.

You'd think a woman
that thinks that far ahead

wouldn't have married Chuck.

I need a new plan.

I've only got 24 hours
to outsell chem club.

Okay, what business lessons
have we learned so far?

-Price point,
geographic advantage,
-Mm-hmm.

fighting the Man.

Check, check and check.

We got this far.
Now it's time to bear down

-and really focus, okay?
-Right.

-We need to maximize profit
and minimize time.
-Okay.

Where are we gonna sell?

[exhales]
Back to the pot shop.

Right.

Even though Carol shut us down,

Slattery may find out about you

and Slattery may hurt Vanessa?

Check, check and check.

Wow.

Who's the S.O.B. now?

Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man

to talk about one
of my favorite passions.

No, no, no,
not gutting a deer

while listening
to the Lovin' Spoonful.

I'm talking about capitalism.

Now, old Bernie and
young Elizabeth tell the folks

capitalists are coldhearted,
money-grubbing vultures.

When you put it that way,

you make it sound
like a bad thing.

[chuckles]

But we're also human beings
with a conscience.

Conscience.
You remember those?

It's that little annoying voicethat wakes you up

in the middle of the night
saying, "Mike, Mike,

"did you really have
to flip the bird

to that old lady
who cut you off?"

I did.
How else was she gonna know

that I had the right of way?!

Besides, the truck was slammed
with a dual exhaust.

Who thought an old woman
would be driving that thing?

But the evolved capitalist
should listen

to that little voice
every once in a while.

You know,
there's actual laws that say

a seven-year-old can't operate
a saw in a lumber mill.

You know why?

Because some jackass
way back when

actually had a seven-year-old
operating a saw

in a lumber mill.

Just imagine the workers
complaining back then.

[high-pitched]: "Boy, what
a long day it was, huh, guys?

"I can't wait to get homeand roll my tire down the street

with a stick."

I mean, sure, payingyour workers with baseball cards

and bubble gum
would increase profits,

but it's wrong!

Listen, a good boss
should know how to make a buck

and still be a human being.

You see, capitalism,

it's just a recipe
for economic success,

and it doesn't taste quite right

until you sprinkle in
a little morality.

That's why, here at Outdoor Man,we provide benefits

for our part-timers,
paid medical leave

and all-you-can-eat chili
at the Annual Meat Summit.

Which sadly leadsto a lot of paid medical leave.

Happy employees
make good employees,

and that's good business.

Baxter out.

Oh. Hey, Joe.

Hey, Kyle.
What are you reading?

Oh, I'm just rereading
all these college brochures.

I'm scared I'm gonna make
the wrong choice again.

Oh. Sounds important.
Don't let me bother you.

Um, what are youreading?

Oh, it's a kids' book

called What the Cat Sees.

What's it about?

It's about a cat

and what he sees.

Oh. Yeah, okay.

I could, uh...

I could read it to you
if you want.

Oh, really? Yeah.

-Yeah, my mom used to read to mewhen I was little.-Oh.

Mostly from the Mr. Boston's
Bartending Guide.

I was the only third graderwho could make a sloe gin fizz.

"Magellan the cat walked
to his bed.

Then he stopped!Something was very, very wrong."

Oh, this book starts
like gangbusters!

"Magellan's old cat bed
was gone.

"In its place was a new bed.

"Magellan didn't want
to go to it.

"White Dog laughed at him.

[deep voice]: "'You're afraid
'cause you're a Fraidy Cat,'

said White Dog."
See this?

Oh.
[scoffs]

Stupid dog.

Yeah.

"Yellow Bird laughed at him.

[high-pitched]: "'You're scared'cause you're a Scaredy Cat,'

said Yellow Bird."

See this?

What is it with birds
and their insults?

"Magellan was too nervous
to sleep in his new bed,

so he laid down
on the cold floor."

The end? That is
the saddest book in the world.

How did you learn to make
a sloe gin fizz

when you won't stop yakking?

"Then Brown Mouse
walked over to Magellan."

Oh, don't eat him.
Don't eat him. Don't eat him.

"Brown Mouse said,

"'I don't think you're
a Fraidy Cat or a Scaredy Cat.

"'I think you're a brave cat,
and if you try it,

I think you'll like
your new bed.'"

So what happened?

Did-did he like the new bed?

The book isn't about
whether he liked it, Kyle.

The book is about
whether he'd try it.

Even though he was scared.

Exactly.

You know what?
[exhales]

I think that Brooksdale
was a-a good choice for me.

And that's what thiscat sees.

Thanks, Joe.

[English accent]:
Professor Puddle,

at your service.

Well, that's
the last of the bunch.

Back to Bud's Buds--
I love it.

It's not illegal,
and I have every right!

I believe I said, "I love it."

And I don't say that
about many things--

my wife, the Broncos,

and any song
with a drum solo in it.

Good, because the pot shop
is the perfect location.

According to my research,

the stoners who get highafter work will be getting good

and hungry right about...

...now.

Listen to you,
thinking stoners wait

till after work to get loaded.

You ever notice
at the coffee shop,

they can never
figure out your name?

The Barista,
"Is that Mike or Ike?"

Right, like you say, my job is

to keep the wheels
of commerce turning.

What I've learned is,
if you're going to make it

in the free marketplace, profitis the only thing that matters.

It's not my personal
business philosophy,

but it's one way to go.

The road taken, for example,
by the tobacco industry.

What? I'm not like tobacco.

My muffins don't kill people.

No, but selling your muffins
at the pot shop

does come with a risk,
and that risk in the shape

of beautiful hair
and nice teeth.

I've thought about this.

And I think the chance of this
hurting Vanessa's campaign

is... slim.

A slim chance is still
a chance, though ,isn't it?

I wonder if Blockbuster Video
thought it was a slim chance

that people would be
beaming movies

to their watch with magic.

But I want to win!

Well, so does Vanessa.

I'm running a business,
Mr. Baxter.

That's not really my problem.

No, that's not your problem.

But I do love Vanessa.

That's your problem, yeah.

Oh, uh...

Come over here a minute
and sit down.

This is a very important lesson

about capitalism.

Commerce versus conscience.

Mr. Baxter, please just tell menot to sell at the pot shop.

Not gonna do it--
that would be regulating you.

[groans]
Fine!

I won't sell
my stupid baked goods

outside the stupid pot shop,
and I won't go

to the stupid Grand Canyon!

Girl says stupid three times,
smart.

You know what?

I say you're lying.

I wrote it!

This was my young daughter
Eve's favorite book

when she was growing up.

You're telling me you sat
and wrote this entire book?

Mostly sat, some of it
I wrote on the treadmill.

Let's just check this out
on the Internet.

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Okay, let's see, let's find
What the Cat Sees.

Well, lookie there.

Picture of you.

Told you.

Can I have this?

$12.95.

Well, will you sign it?

Sure.

To Eve?

[stammers]
Just put Mike.

Mike...

My, my best friend Mike.

"My best friend..."

All right.

-Hey, appreciate it, man.
-There you go.

That's great.

I really appreciate it, thanks.

Hey, hey! Where's my money?

Just consider me the government.

Add it to the debt.

Joke's on him.

Wait till he reads what I wrote.

[chicken clucks]

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

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