Original subtitles

It's time to party with Tim Allen on Last Man Standing.

Yay. More party.

See all new episodes Thursdays.

And check out our other Fox programs--

9-1-1 and Deputy.

Badge or no badge, I'll alwayscome after scum like you.

Only on Fox.

Ooh, Jen, smells wonderful in here.

Thanks. I told the geology club

the motto for our bake sale is

"If you want to make dough, make dough."

[chuckles] Ooh, a club that loves puns. Ah.

Well, I wish I could stay and help you,

but I just don't have the, um...

the thyme. [laughs]

You're running for office-- you have a lot to do.

Plus, Mr. Baxter is really looking forward to helping.

Mm. Well, I've known him a long time,

and he's not.

Hey, Jen. I got the afternoon off,

so we can teach that geology club that you rock!

VANESSA: Oh, hey, no.

Uh-uh.

Puns are our thing.

It's nice that you're excited to help.

Yeah. I get to teach the capitalism I love

to a teenager that I... tolerate.

I'm so excited.

When's the first lesson?

Right now.

I'd love one of these muffins.

Oh, okay. Here you go.

-You're selling them, right? -Yes.

How much... are you selling them for?

Oh, right.

Four dollars.

Um...

I'm-I'm hungry.

Okay.

Give me four dollars and start eating.

MIKE: No.

I'm starving.

He's starving

for that particular muffin.

Oh, I meant $100.

Yeah.

I'm starving, I'm not an idiot.

Fine, then ten. But that's the lowest I'll go.

-Yes. -[laughs]

Wow, that was fun.

-Why am I shaking? -Whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a money high.

The sweet buzz of capitalism.

Thank you.

Hey, where's my money?

Think of me as the government.

Just add it to the debt.

♪

You know, if the geology club wins this competition,

-we get to choose our own field trip. -Ooh.

And we picked the Grand Canyon.

You guys live in Colorado, just go outside,

look at the mountains and then go to Vegas.

I can't wait to finally beat the chemistry club.

And it will all be thanks

to the Mike Baxter School of Business.

Way too long. It should be "Mike Baxter...

S.O.B."

Okay, our product is now ready for purchase.

-What's next? -Okay, next lesson.

Number two is geographical advantage.

I'm guessing that means finding the perfect place

for me to set up my stand.

Bingo.

It would be good business to sell surfboards

and Spam in Hawaii,

and good business to sell dunce caps

at Democratic conventions.

Okay, okay. So I need to find a place

where people will really want baked goods.

Your teachers must love you.

Where in Denver

will we find people with the munchies

that don't mind paying [singsongy]: high prices?

At Bud's Buds.

-Mr. Baxter, you are a genius. -[chuckles]

Yeah. Well, a genius would knowto put the seat down.

What did he do today?

He came up with the perfect place for my bake sale.

That's right. I'll give Ryan a call,

and we'll set up in front of the pot shop.

Oh... So the geology club gets to go

to the Grand Canyon because of "stoners."

[both laughing]

You know, puns are our thing.

This is all so exciting.

I can't wait for my next lesson

with "Mike Baxter-- S.O.B."

He must've left the seat up for her, too.

-[alarm beeps] -Okay, 5:00.

Pour.

Guys, guys, big news.

Kyle finally picked a college.

-Whoa. -Oh. Hallelujah.

I was gonna drink to nothing, but I'll drink to that.

Yeah.

We've been listening to Kyle agonize over this decision

-every lunch hour for-for weeks.-Mm-hmm.

Oh, really? Every lunch hour?

Kyle talks about it during dinner,

when we're getting ready for bed, and after we...

Uh, he talks about it a lot.

Does he talk to you about it while you're trying to drink?

Because that's annoying.

-Well, look, he is on his way here now... -What's this?

...to tell us he finally chose

-Brooksdale College. -[whoops]

And we are going to support that 100%.

-Ooh! -That's great.

This decision has to stick-- do you understand me?

Do you understand me?!

Yeah, right. T-Totally.

[overlapping cheers]

Thank you! Uh, so long, other college brochures.

I'll miss your photos of sunlit classrooms

and ethnically diverse Frisbee teams.

What's going on? I heard cheers.

Usually that only happens when I leavea room.

Kyle finally picked a college.

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah. -[whoops]

He is going to Brooksdale.

Brooksdale, huh? Well, that's a...

that's a choice, I guess.

What-what does that mean?

Oh, he's kidding or stupid.

Either way, we don't listen.

You, uh, you didn't send them any money

or anything already, did you?

What? Why?

Don't listen to Joe.

He's only an expert on one thing--

nothing.

Which is still more than your average

Brooksdale graduate, huh?

Joe, Kyle wants to go there,

and we want Kyle to go there.

So shut up.

Look, fine, look, forget I said anything, okay?

My blood sugar's low.

I haven't had my before-dinner doughnut yet.

I-I don't know.

Maybe Brooksdale isn't the perfect choice, after all.

What?

I'm gonna reopen the search.

It's gonna be a long night.

I'll be right back.

Someone's about to choke on his before-dinner doughnut.

That Mandy.

Always trying to save a life.

That's four Rice Krispie treats,three brownies and a lemon bar.

You already paid me.

Baked goods-- get it?

[inhales] Baked good.

Principal Larabee.

Welcome to Jen's Table of Tantalizing Treats.

-Hey, guys. -Hey, Carol.

What are you doing here? I never took you

for a fan of the devil's lettuce.

Officially?

No.

No, I-I heard Jen had set up shop

outside of a dispensary,

and I had to come see it for myself.

Here's a fun fact-- gluten-free, right?

So the stoners think they're getting a deal

because they don't have to pay for the gluten.

I'm telling you, Principal Larabee,

as long as I'm selling here,

this contest is as good as over.

Well, that's great news for the chemistry club

because you can't sell here anymore.

What?

It's not a good image for our school.

Well, neither is a football team that goes 0-10

in a nine-game season.

Jen, if you want to stay in this contest,

you got to sell your baked goods elsewhere.

Whoa, whoa, C-Carol!

Carol, hold on a second, hold on a second.

You're aware that weed is legal?

She's not doing anything wrong here.

Mr. Baxter, this is my business.

-I'll handle it. -Okay.

How big of a taste do you need

to forget you were ever here?

I'm sorry, Jen.

Shut it down.

So what does baloney have to do with fighting the man?

I think it's the nitrates.

Rumor has it,

when Napoleon admitted defeat to the Russians,

he turned to his generals and he said,

"Oh, mon dieu!No baloney."

Got it.

So, what's our game plan at the school board meeting?

There'll be a couple hours of stuff going on

even C-SPAN wouldn't show.

And then they open up the floorto civilians like us.

We give them the what for.

What's a "what for"?

That's where you kick ass.

You haven't broken any laws,

there's no reason to shut you down.

-We're like superheroes. -Yes.

Maybe someday people will make a movie about us.

Yeah, yeah. Animated ones.

I like the animated ones with-with spacemen.

Hey.

Hey, baby.

-Oh, you're eating baloney. -Mm-hmm.

Who are you fighting?

We're headed to the school board meeting

to slap them with a for what.

Did I do that right?

[stammers] Language evolves.

Why, uh, why are you fighting the school board?

Principal Larabee said I can't sell outside the pot shop.

Oh, no. No, really?

Yeah, got a complaint from some lame-o parent

turned... [blows] ...whistleblower.

But we're gonna keep the "free" in free market.

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Well, you know what?

Maybe-maybe don't take it to the school board.

Too late-- I've already got the baloney in me.

The rocket is primed, ready to go.

Mr. Baxter said there's no greater thrill

than being told, "You're out of order!"

-Yeah, you're out of order. -You're out of order.

Yeah, you're out of order, yeah.We got to get going, man.

Before the magic of that processed meat wears off.

Yeah. No, Mike. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Yeah, no, uh...

The-the school board doesn't know anything about this.

Uh, Carol shut you down because of me.

-What? -You're the whistleblower?

I mentioned to Carol that you were selling at the pot shop

because I thought it was a cool idea.

-She didn't. -Why?

Well, she thought it might hurt my campaign

if Slattery heard about it.

Like, he-he's known for smearing his opponents.

You know, when you think about it,

-it actually makes some sense. -Yeah.

Jen, we're not going anywhere.

Honey, look. Uh... Carol didn't tell me

what she was gonna do. I'm so sorry.

I-I didn't know she was gonna shut you down.

You guys just better not piss me off.

Because I-I've got a belly full of baloney.

You guys wanted to see me?

You're damn right we did.

What the hell were you doing,

scrambling up Kyle's brains over this college thing?

Yeah, kid's brain comes scrambled.

He doesn't need your help.

Forgive me for looking out for the guy, all right?

I like him. He reminds me of Doug...

the only dog I ever liked.

We held Kyle's hand for weeks

while he agonized over picking the perfect college.

Yeah, yeah. And where do you get off

badmouthing Brooksdale College anyway?

I know the place.

I used to teach there.

-What? -What?

I-Is this some kind of Make-A-Wish thing?

I was a professor in the English department.

-What? -What?

[sighs]

Brooksdale is fine for 20th Century America,

but Brit Lit-- pish and posh.

No. No.

No, no. You-you barely speak English.

There's-there's no way you taught it.

You don't know everything about me.

-Well, we know you're a bonehead. -Yeah.

Look, I didn't plan on being an academic, okay?

But I ended up at Dartmouth after my book was published.

-Dartmouth? -Book?

It got a lot of attention.

Critics called it a revelation.

It dealt with themes of perception,

existential angst and alienation.

And-and this-this book was called...

What the Cat Sees.

It's a kids' book.

At least,that's what it was about for me.

But critics, you know...

W-Well, I know what you're gonna do.

You're-you're gonna go talk to Kyle.

That's right. You scrambled him up--

you're gonna put the pieces back together.

That's what we call a mixed metaphor.

Where'd you go to college, Ed, Brooksdale?

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

What-What the Cat Sees? [chuckles]

I used to read that book to Brandon when he was little.

You're Professor Puddle?

[English accent]: At your service, sir.

Principal Larabee didn't even mention you

when she shut us down.

She's just trying to keep her candidate's hands clean.

[a la Brando]: The Godfather doesn't need to know

the details.

I don't know. I-I thinkshe was just trying to eliminate

a problem before it became a problem.

You'd think a woman that thinks that far ahead

wouldn't have married Chuck.

I need a new plan.

I've only got 24 hours to outsell chem club.

Okay, what business lessons have we learned so far?

-Price point, geographic advantage, -Mm-hmm.

fighting the Man.

Check, check and check.

We got this far. Now it's time to bear down

-and really focus, okay? -Right.

-We need to maximize profit and minimize time. -Okay.

Where are we gonna sell?

[exhales] Back to the pot shop.

Right.

Even though Carol shut us down,

Slattery may find out about you

and Slattery may hurt Vanessa?

Check, check and check.

Wow.

Who's the S.O.B. now?

Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man

to talk about one of my favorite passions.

No, no, no, not gutting a deer

while listening to the Lovin' Spoonful.

I'm talking about capitalism.

Now, old Bernie and young Elizabeth tell the folks

capitalists are coldhearted, money-grubbing vultures.

When you put it that way,

you make it sound like a bad thing.

[chuckles]

But we're also human beings with a conscience.

Conscience. You remember those?

It's that little annoying voicethat wakes you up

in the middle of the night saying, "Mike, Mike,

"did you really have to flip the bird

to that old lady who cut you off?"

I did. How else was she gonna know

that I had the right of way?!

Besides, the truck was slammed with a dual exhaust.

Who thought an old woman would be driving that thing?

But the evolved capitalist should listen

to that little voice every once in a while.

You know, there's actual laws that say

a seven-year-old can't operate a saw in a lumber mill.

You know why?

Because some jackass way back when

actually had a seven-year-old operating a saw

in a lumber mill.

Just imagine the workers complaining back then.

[high-pitched]: "Boy, what a long day it was, huh, guys?

"I can't wait to get homeand roll my tire down the street

with a stick."

I mean, sure, payingyour workers with baseball cards

and bubble gum would increase profits,

but it's wrong!

Listen, a good boss should know how to make a buck

and still be a human being.

You see, capitalism,

it's just a recipe for economic success,

and it doesn't taste quite right

until you sprinkle in a little morality.

That's why, here at Outdoor Man,we provide benefits

for our part-timers, paid medical leave

and all-you-can-eat chili at the Annual Meat Summit.

Which sadly leadsto a lot of paid medical leave.

Happy employees make good employees,

and that's good business.

Baxter out.

Oh. Hey, Joe.

Hey, Kyle. What are you reading?

Oh, I'm just rereading all these college brochures.

I'm scared I'm gonna make the wrong choice again.

Oh. Sounds important. Don't let me bother you.

Um, what are youreading?

Oh, it's a kids' book

called What the Cat Sees.

What's it about?

It's about a cat

and what he sees.

Oh. Yeah, okay.

I could, uh...

I could read it to you if you want.

Oh, really? Yeah.

-Yeah, my mom used to read to mewhen I was little.-Oh.

Mostly from the Mr. Boston's Bartending Guide.

I was the only third graderwho could make a sloe gin fizz.

"Magellan the cat walked to his bed.

Then he stopped!Something was very, very wrong."

Oh, this book starts like gangbusters!

"Magellan's old cat bed was gone.

"In its place was a new bed.

"Magellan didn't want to go to it.

"White Dog laughed at him.

[deep voice]: "'You're afraid 'cause you're a Fraidy Cat,'

said White Dog." See this?

Oh. [scoffs]

Stupid dog.

Yeah.

"Yellow Bird laughed at him.

[high-pitched]: "'You're scared'cause you're a Scaredy Cat,'

said Yellow Bird."

See this?

What is it with birds and their insults?

"Magellan was too nervous to sleep in his new bed,

so he laid down on the cold floor."

The end? That is the saddest book in the world.

How did you learn to make a sloe gin fizz

when you won't stop yakking?

"Then Brown Mouse walked over to Magellan."

Oh, don't eat him. Don't eat him. Don't eat him.

"Brown Mouse said,

"'I don't think you're a Fraidy Cat or a Scaredy Cat.

"'I think you're a brave cat, and if you try it,

I think you'll like your new bed.'"

So what happened?

Did-did he like the new bed?

The book isn't about whether he liked it, Kyle.

The book is about whether he'd try it.

Even though he was scared.

Exactly.

You know what? [exhales]

I think that Brooksdale was a-a good choice for me.

And that's what thiscat sees.

Thanks, Joe.

[English accent]: Professor Puddle,

at your service.

Well, that's the last of the bunch.

Back to Bud's Buds-- I love it.

It's not illegal, and I have every right!

I believe I said, "I love it."

And I don't say that about many things--

my wife, the Broncos,

and any song with a drum solo in it.

Good, because the pot shop is the perfect location.

According to my research,

the stoners who get highafter work will be getting good

and hungry right about...

...now.

Listen to you, thinking stoners wait

till after work to get loaded.

You ever notice at the coffee shop,

they can never figure out your name?

The Barista, "Is that Mike or Ike?"

Right, like you say, my job is

to keep the wheels of commerce turning.

What I've learned is, if you're going to make it

in the free marketplace, profitis the only thing that matters.

It's not my personal business philosophy,

but it's one way to go.

The road taken, for example, by the tobacco industry.

What? I'm not like tobacco.

My muffins don't kill people.

No, but selling your muffins at the pot shop

does come with a risk, and that risk in the shape

of beautiful hair and nice teeth.

I've thought about this.

And I think the chance of this hurting Vanessa's campaign

is... slim.

A slim chance is still a chance, though ,isn't it?

I wonder if Blockbuster Video thought it was a slim chance

that people would be beaming movies

to their watch with magic.

But I want to win!

Well, so does Vanessa.

I'm running a business, Mr. Baxter.

That's not really my problem.

No, that's not your problem.

But I do love Vanessa.

That's your problem, yeah.

Oh, uh...

Come over here a minute and sit down.

This is a very important lesson

about capitalism.

Commerce versus conscience.

Mr. Baxter, please just tell menot to sell at the pot shop.

Not gonna do it-- that would be regulating you.

[groans] Fine!

I won't sell my stupid baked goods

outside the stupid pot shop, and I won't go

to the stupid Grand Canyon!

Girl says stupid three times, smart.

You know what?

I say you're lying.

I wrote it!

This was my young daughter Eve's favorite book

when she was growing up.

You're telling me you sat and wrote this entire book?

Mostly sat, some of it I wrote on the treadmill.

Let's just check this out on the Internet.

-Yeah. -Okay.

Okay, let's see, let's find What the Cat Sees.

Well, lookie there.

Picture of you.

Told you.

Can I have this?

$12.95.

Well, will you sign it?

Sure.

To Eve?

[stammers] Just put Mike.

Mike...

My, my best friend Mike.

"My best friend..."

All right.

-Hey, appreciate it, man. -There you go.

That's great.

I really appreciate it, thanks.

Hey, hey! Where's my money?

Just consider me the government.

Add it to the debt.

Joke's on him.

Wait till he reads what I wrote.

[chicken clucks]

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

The party is still going on Last Man Standing.

See all new episodes Thursdays on Fox.