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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,920
Happy birthday, Dad.
Let's keep this simple.
2
00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:07,080
I like me bubble and squeak in the
morning, football in the afternoon.
3
00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:09,480
In the evening
I do the big bonfire in the garden.
4
00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:10,760
That's me birthday.
5
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:14,280
Think this year might be a little
bit more exciting than that.
6
00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:15,640
DOORBELL RINGS
7
00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:19,560
Who's that at present-giving time?
Go and get the door, Teddy.
8
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:21,720
Have it on your toes, boy.
Quick as you can, lad.
9
00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:23,800
This better not be
one of your surprises.
10
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:26,440
Oh, no, no, no. You'd know
if it was one of my surprises.
11
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:30,720
Happy birthday, Big Gal!
What you doing here?
12
00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:33,400
I just popped round to give
my governor his birthday present.
13
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:36,520
No, you haven't. Yes, I have.
No, you haven't. Yes, I have!
14
00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:38,920
Cos I'm the governor now
that Dad's retired.
15
00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:42,320
So you just do yourself what you got
planned and then be on your way.
16
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,920
Jesus Christ, are these Callaways?
17
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:48,760
That's about three grands' worth
there. William, you are a sweet boy.
18
00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:51,520
That is a ridiculous present
to buy someone else's dad.
19
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,200
They're a perfect fit, mate.
20
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,760
I can't believe it.
Come here. Oh, well.
21
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:59,600
You kept me out of trouble for
25 years. The least I can do.
22
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:01,280
Open Little Gary's present now.
23
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,360
Well, it's just a little something,
you know,
24
00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:05,480
I'm not trying to buy your love
and affection.
25
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,960
That's really thoughtful, Gary.
26
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,520
You needed a new golf glove,
didn't you?
27
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:19,280
Yeah. No. Great. It's not
just a golf glove, you see -
28
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:23,400
if you look within the glove,
there's a little surprise.
29
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,520
Now that is clever.
Innit? I said that.
30
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:29,040
It's like the glove is acting
as an envelope for, like,
31
00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:32,320
the proper pressie.
Now, I like that. A voucher.
32
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:36,720
For what? For THE best indoor
mini golf course in the world.
33
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:40,520
Everything there is electrical, like
it's all done on computers and such.
34
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:44,840
Like it would be in America. Already
been up there, have you? No, no, no,
35
00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:47,600
no, no, no. Someone down the pub
was telling me about it.
36
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:50,440
It's supposed to be incredible
and that's what we're doing today.
37
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:53,320
It's my treat and then we're
going to go for some grub
38
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:56,360
at Burger and Lobster.
Burger and Lobster?
39
00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:59,040
Yeah, yeah, it's a
new fancy restaurant up west
40
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:02,080
where you can have either
a burger or a lobster.
41
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,920
That's all they got on the menu?
That's a bit limited, innit?
42
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:07,640
Well, that's just what it is.
What if you want something else,
43
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:11,560
like liver and bacon?
Well, no, you... You can't do that.
44
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:14,960
It's what they call a concept
restaurant. Gimmicky.
45
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:18,240
You mean you've actually gone and
booked a table without conferring?
46
00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:20,200
That's the thing,
Mum, that is the thing.
47
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,680
You can't actually book a table.
48
00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:24,520
You can't book a table? No, no,
that's all part of the experience.
49
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,320
What, standing up, starving hungry,
watching other people eat,
50
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,680
enjoying themselves?
I don't really like lobster.
51
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,960
Don't give a double toss what
you like, mate, at all.
52
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,080
That is nothing that I care about.
53
00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:37,040
You're not coming.
Listen, Winkle's coming.
54
00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:39,520
Right... OK.
55
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,680
OK, Winkle CAN come.
56
00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,600
Yep, so it's a family day out
with the added addition of that.
57
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:46,000
And let me tell you, mate,
58
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,680
you ain't playing golf or doing
any of the good stuff.
59
00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,680
You can use the facilities but
you're very much there just in body.
60
00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:54,400
I don't want to hear a peep
out you all day, OK?
61
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:06,800
King fire
62
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:18,600
King fire.
63
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:22,280
Hello, sir.
Gary. Who's signing in?
64
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,800
Name is King within
the booking system.
65
00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:29,080
And also, er, my father has insisted
on bringing his own clubs.
66
00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,040
Can you tell him
that's not allowed, please?
67
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,120
Yeah, it's fine, Gary.
A lot of people do it for fun.
68
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,120
Gary? I thought
you'd never been her before.
69
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:40,280
No. No, no, I haven't. This humble
gentleman has probably seen
70
00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:47,520
my name on the screen here and he is
being... He's being courteous
71
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:50,560
and chosen,
although without permission,
72
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,080
to call me as such.
73
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,840
You may call me Gary from now on.
Why are you talking like that, Gary?
74
00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,760
Huh? What?
75
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:01,160
Are you all right, Gary?
Yeah, fine, thank you.
76
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:04,280
All right, I've set you and the
family up in the VIP section, yeah?
77
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,960
Your favourite. Er, yes.
Sounds fantastic, thank you.
78
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,360
This is all making sense now.
79
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:12,840
You haven't been practising up here,
have you, Gary? No, no, no, no, no.
80
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:16,880
A likely tale. You know where
everything is, Gary. Little Gary.
81
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,560
You all right, mate? Big Gal.
82
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,800
All right, mate? Oh.
83
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,480
You've shoe-horned into that.
84
00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:26,880
It's a bit tight, mate.
I can see your pulse.
85
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,480
You smuggling peanuts? Not in front
of my boy, please, John.
86
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,000
I'll make it right.
87
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,520
You smell nice, John.
Oh, what's she after?
88
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:38,400
Nah. Got a little bit of Tom Ford
on. Here. Oh, yeah? Go on.
89
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:41,240
Oh, yeah, nice. You up here
on your lonesome, are ya?
90
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,640
Nah, nah. I got a date.
91
00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:45,360
Some Russian moll I met on Bumble.
92
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,520
She's an absolute rocket.
I'm just going to get a beer in,
93
00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:51,160
drop of the Dutch courage.
Does anyone want anything? No!
94
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:54,760
I'm getting Big Gal's first
birthday drink. I insist.
95
00:04:56,400 --> 00:05:00,040
Horrible little creep.
Yeah, you tell me about it.
96
00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,560
Coming here with those clubs,
just rubbing it in my face.
97
00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:05,240
I tell you what,
he is grinding my gears today.
98
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:06,680
I'm talking about John.
99
00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:08,800
What? Johnny's all right.
John's well all right.
100
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:10,880
He's salt of the Earth,
he's a good man.
101
00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:14,160
Is he? Is he really, though? Cos
last night I heard he's been having
102
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,600
a roll about with my mate
Jill Corn from the council.
103
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,120
And now he's here with some
other tart? It's disgraceful.
104
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:22,560
Disgusting, actually, is what it is.
Come on, we'll sit this one out.
105
00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:26,400
I need hair of the dog. Yeah,
get a drink and I'll... Yeah.
106
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:29,480
All right, Pinocchio?
I've got your number.
107
00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:33,440
Bring it on.
Fine, let's do this. Yes.
108
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:36,640
18 quid for three beers!
What an absolute joke!
109
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:39,880
Mate, I'm actually going through
my brain concentration at the moment
110
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,760
so keep it down, if you could.
I hate places like this!
111
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,000
Well, that's good cos you're
not supposed to be here,
112
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,760
so just enjoy it, yeah? OK.
113
00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:53,000
Visualise...your reality.
114
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:58,200
Visualise your reality.
Visualise your reality.
115
00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:59,760
OK, you got this, Gal.
116
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:02,960
Your feet are too close together.
117
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,800
What? Is that your grip?
118
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,240
You look like you're
holding a snake. Ha!
119
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:10,200
Like a python or something. Don't
piggyback other people's jokes.
120
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,720
That's actually pathetic, so...
121
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,240
Yes! Yes!
122
00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:25,400
Fluke. What? Fluke?
123
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,240
Mate, if that's a fluke, all sport
in the world is a fluke.
124
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:31,960
That is skilling. That is a lot of
skill and that is good golfing.
125
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,640
Have you finished? Yeah.
126
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:37,040
Got your ball, Big Gal.
Cheers, Winkle.
127
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:41,880
What club you after, Big Gal?
Er...just a putter, please, Winkle.
128
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:43,680
Play it safe, Big Gal.
129
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:47,480
Don't worry about the green thing.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
130
00:06:56,880 --> 00:07:01,360
Two-shot. All. Day. Long.
131
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:15,200
Oh! Great play, Gal!
Absolutely superb, mate!
132
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,040
Two par, so that's all right.
133
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:21,400
Early lead, son. Yours to lose.
Whatever, mate. Whatever. So...
134
00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:28,080
Please, take that as well.
Do like Winkle does. OK?
135
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,440
Just carry my stuff like Winkle is.
136
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,480
Mm.
137
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:36,520
These are really good. I love lamb.
138
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:40,640
I like these side plates, do you?
They're lovely, ain't they?
139
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,800
They're a little bit Anthropologie.
140
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:46,200
I love that place. They got
grass on the walls in the shop.
141
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,520
I ain't half got the zig with Gary
for taking Johnny's side above mine.
142
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,840
Love a little nicksy-pooch of these.
143
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,800
Lucky I brought my big handbag.
144
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:02,000
Look at him over there.
Look, he's loving it.
145
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,600
She's laughing at all his jokes.
Yeah, heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
146
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,720
You don't know what he's
really like, ya mug.
147
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,760
Get so much in here.
148
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:14,040
Got four champagne glasses
the other week from the Shard.
149
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:17,280
And a flannel. Someone really
should warn her, you know.
150
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,920
Yeah, I'm going to have to say
something. It's my due diligence.
151
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:23,560
I gotta do it. Mind your nose.
152
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:26,840
It's none of your beeswax. You know
me, I can't help myself, yeah?
153
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:30,360
Sisters before misters.
He thinks he's some big old player?
154
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:33,880
Yeah, well, I'm going to learn him.
These are lovely.
155
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,400
Might need a couple more to
make a full set.
156
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,840
Are you done with those? Yeah, yeah.
157
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,240
SHE WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY
158
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:51,640
Bleedin' hell.
159
00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:56,520
I'm going to say soft and hard
on the ramp, Big Gal.
160
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,320
Give it some zip.
161
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,720
Think I should
go for the bonus thing?
162
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:02,360
It's a risk.
163
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:06,840
Do I think you've got it in you?
Course I do, Big Gal.
164
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:10,400
Guys, hurry it up, please. These
conversations are getting longer
165
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,600
and longer. I'm going
to say a minute max from now on.
166
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,200
You don't make the rules in here.
167
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,400
I'll take as long as I like.
Yeah, have a day off.
168
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:21,880
What club you after, Big Gal?
Just the putter, please, Winkle.
169
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,360
Oh, ho! Shot of the day!
170
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:46,440
Trevino's in the house!
171
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,760
Getting close. You're up, Pinocchio.
172
00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,680
My wand, please, mate. My wand.
173
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,800
Dunno what to do here, Ted, mate.
174
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:59,080
Found myself in a bit of a
conundrum. Just got the rebound.
175
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:03,360
I can't, in any good mind,
not go for the Evel Knievel, son.
176
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:26,680
Fore!
177
00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:30,120
THEY LAUGH
178
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,680
Right, right, right, slow down.
What happens now, then?
179
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,720
I think I just drop it
back into play.
180
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,760
No, no, no, boy.
You gotta play it from there.
181
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:46,360
I can't play it from here!
Don't you raise your voice at me.
182
00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:50,400
Surely you start again from the tee.
I can't start again at the tee!
183
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:55,920
The computer's already counted it!
There's no going back now!
184
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,280
Well, that can't be right.
185
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:01,000
You might as well just drop
it at the hole, ya cheat.
186
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,760
I don't know the protocol
in this scenario!
187
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:07,920
Right, Winkle, you're neutral.
Neutral? Don't make me laugh.
188
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,320
He ain't neutral. He's a schnide.
189
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:13,160
Teddy, mate, have it on your toes,
mate. Go and get the manager
190
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,600
or an independent adjudicator what
works here. Run, son. Run!
191
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:18,280
Personally, I think
192
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:22,720
you should knock the ball away from
the hole to register another hit.
193
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,760
Yes. No.
No-one cares what you think, mate.
194
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:31,280
Your opinion is worth nish. Nitto.
Nilch. Manager, mate, it's me, Gary.
195
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:33,920
I've hit my ball, it's gone
out of bounds. What do I do now?
196
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,680
Just drop it back in, Gary, mate.
That's exactly what I did.
197
00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:38,560
I thank you, I thank you.
198
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:44,560
Oh, come off it.
To the next hole.
199
00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:46,480
Do me a favour.
200
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:49,040
He seems very nice.
201
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:52,040
No, much older than he is
in his pictures but the same guy.
202
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:55,440
SHE WHISTLES
203
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,160
Phone a friend?
204
00:11:57,160 --> 00:12:01,480
I hope we go somewhere nicer.
This looks like a bowling alley.
205
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,720
No, no, no, mini golf, babe.
It's mini golf.
206
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,120
Oh. Nice nails.
207
00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:09,960
I have to go.
208
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,520
Sorry to interrupt,
I just thought I'd check in,
209
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,520
see how you was getting on.
210
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:17,560
Do you work here? There's no toilet
paper in the second cubicle.
211
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:20,640
Do I look like I work here?
Seriously, have a gander.
212
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,160
No, I've been watching ya.
213
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:25,920
Well, from afar I've been
looking at you and...
214
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:28,840
Well, no. All right, I'm a friend.
Well, not quite a friend.
215
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:32,320
I'm someone what knows John what
you're with. Oh, you know John?
216
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,240
He's so lovely. Really? Yeah.
217
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,600
So you like him, yeah?
He's very funny.
218
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,000
SHE LAUGHS
219
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:43,000
Yeah, funny looking.
Have you noticed, right,
220
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,680
them teeth, they're, like,
so big for his mouth?
221
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,720
Like a couple of
old tombstones, yeah.
222
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,000
Yeah, he got them
done cheap in Turkey.
223
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,440
They'll fall out in a couple
of years, bless him.
224
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:56,280
Now, listen, er...
woman-what's-on-date-with-John.
225
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:59,440
Sorry, don't know your name. Sacha.
Listen, Sorsha, that man out there?
226
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:00,840
He's a love rat. Mm-hm.
227
00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:04,160
He has been knocking about with
so many birds round my manor...
228
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:07,160
But he seems very nice.
He's a sex addict, he is.
229
00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:10,040
A Lothario.
230
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:20,600
You all right, John?
You got something on your nose. Oh.
231
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:21,840
Yeah, Den.
232
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,840
Cracking along very nicely,
as it goes. Have you seen her?
233
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:28,600
She's gorgeous.
You done with these tapas plates?
234
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,400
What you playing at?
235
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:34,040
Oh, well, you don't want these
dirtying up your date, do you?
236
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:35,800
I'll clear 'em up for ya.
237
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,360
The food's only just arrived.
We ain't started yet.
238
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:41,440
I was waiting for my little Sacha
to get back. Sacha?
239
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:44,040
That's a nice name. Yeah.
What's that, Russian?
240
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,360
Yeah, I believe so.
She's from Minsk.
241
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:47,960
She's got a lovely voice.
242
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,960
Got a really good
feeling about this.
243
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,720
Yeah? Think she likes you.
244
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,160
Thank you.
245
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:59,120
What am I supposed to
say about this? Denise!
246
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,560
HE MOUTHS
247
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:36,960
METALLIC SQUEAKING
248
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,720
What club you after, Big Gal?
249
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:40,520
Just the putter, please, Winkle.
250
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,600
Not having much luck
with that putter, Dad.
251
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:45,560
You might be better off hitting
this one with a sledgehammer.
252
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:48,200
CHEERING
253
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,320
To the bar!
254
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:54,720
CHEERING
255
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:56,520
Get the bloody beers in!
256
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,520
Winkle, have a word,
I need my focus here.
257
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,680
Oi, you lot, quieten down.
258
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:02,720
Big Gary's trying to tee off.
259
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,760
Who's Big Gary?
You don't want to know!
260
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:07,200
OK, listen, mate...
First, I'm not your mate!
261
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,600
Second, before you step to me
and mine, have a think -
262
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:11,000
are you about that life?!
263
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,480
What life? Do you want a go, mate?!
264
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:17,280
If you want to go, we'll go!
We'll go!
265
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:19,440
Winkle! Winkle!
266
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,080
Easy. Easy.
267
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,280
This is interesting.
268
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:28,720
What seems to have happened is the
pressure has got to your grandfather
269
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:33,760
and Winkle over there,
and they are about to melt.
270
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:41,480
Uh-huh. Wah-wah.
271
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,200
Unlucky, Dad.
272
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:46,080
Looks like a tricky old hole,
that, Dad.
273
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:47,840
You got any advice for me, mate?
274
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:50,360
Yeah, try and stay away...
Don't worry about it, actually.
275
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:52,800
I think I've got it.
You ready, mate?
276
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,560
Get filming on this.
And, uh, get a nice angle on me.
277
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:57,080
I want to look schvelt.
278
00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,920
And like a moody, dramatic
kind of filter, if you please.
279
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,880
Can I not have a go, Dad?
280
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:04,520
It's so boring doing the filming.
Getting arm ache.
281
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:08,240
Teddy, doing the filming's THE most
important thing of today.
282
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:12,080
You're documenting a valuable
piece of King family history -
283
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:15,120
the day I finally
best your grandfather.
284
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:26,000
Yes! Yeah! Yeah! Yes!
285
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,360
Eat it up! Eat it!
Eat it with your dinner, mate!
286
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:31,680
Ahhhhhh, yes!
287
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,920
Yes! How does that feel? No,
really, how's it feel inside ya?
288
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,760
Ha-ha! Boom!
289
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:38,480
Oh, waiter.
290
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:39,720
Miss?
291
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:49,360
Sacha! I'll get a plate.
Leave it, Johnny.
292
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:53,760
Let it be. You what?
What's going on?
293
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,760
You, mate.
294
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:58,120
You're a grade-A wrong 'un.
What you on about?
295
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:01,320
Look, sorry to be blunt but I speak
as I find you. Love me or hate me.
296
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:03,760
That's just me. Hold your horses,
I ain't done nothing.
297
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:07,120
What have I done? "What have I
done?" Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jill Corn.
298
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:09,440
Hm?
299
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:12,960
Well. Just that, really.
Jill? What about her?
300
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,680
I thought you and her had a thing
301
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:17,200
but I hear you've been knocking
about with some other bird,
302
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,120
filling her full of God knows what.
303
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,680
You, son, have been having
your cake and eating it.
304
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:25,720
I mean, how many women are there,
John? Eh? One, two, three? 100, eh?
305
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,640
I thought I knew you. Thought I
liked ya but look at ya.
306
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,640
You're a disgraaaace!
307
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,240
No, you're coming at this all
skew-whiff, Tel!
308
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:36,760
Yeah, I took Jill out a couple of
times, you know, nice dinners,
309
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:40,960
walk in the park. Wine bar. We had
a little reef about one night.
310
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,320
Since when she ain't been
back to me.
311
00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,400
She ain't answering my calls.
312
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,360
She's ghosted me.
313
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,560
Really? Cos, I mean, that's not what
I've actually been assuming, John.
314
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,360
Straight up. All right? I liked her.
315
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:57,720
I've had it dog rough since
Lisa left. She just left me.
316
00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:00,720
She took my boys. The only
interaction I've got with them
317
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,000
is watching them
on the Facebook Live.
318
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,760
I'm living in a little
halfway house by the rec.
319
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:10,080
The butcher's is on its haunches.
That new Tesco Metro is killing me.
320
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:13,600
Sacha seemed like the one good thing
what's happened to me in ages.
321
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:19,000
So, just to clarify, you haven't
been having your cake and eating it?
322
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:22,440
I ain't had no cake, mate!
Not a sniff, not a crumb!
323
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:27,200
Ah.
SHE LAUGHS
324
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:28,520
OK, OK, I got...
325
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:31,320
Sorry to laugh, John, it's just
I see what's happened here.
326
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:35,360
There has been a definite mix-up
in communications, like, you know,
327
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:38,840
crossing of the wires. Of which
I will definitely sort right now.
328
00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:41,040
That's what I'm going to do for you,
mate, I'm going
329
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:44,760
to sort this out, OK? You
are welcome. Enjoy your chicken. OK?
330
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,200
Sashoo? Sashoo, wait!
331
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:59,720
What club you after, Big Gal?
Just a putter, please, Winkle.
332
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:22,200
All hail Emperor Crazy Golf!
333
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,440
Gotta match the big man
to win it now, Gal.
334
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:29,320
By my reckoning,
335
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:34,200
50 brings the draw.
Any lower...you lose, pal.
336
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,000
HE SHRIEKS
337
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,560
No, no, no, no, no. I'm not having
that. No way.
338
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:49,640
No way. Someone just
clubbed my 'arris.
339
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:53,720
What now? Come on, boy. No. No.
Someone just put a putter up my bum.
340
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,200
It's just the nerves getting
to you. Have another try.
341
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:59,160
You don't understand.
I can't just have another try.
342
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,440
This is super-human technology.
343
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:05,000
It's registered my strike
so now I've just lost the game.
344
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,920
Well done, Big Gal.
Very nicely played, mate.
345
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:12,840
No, no, no, no, no, no. You cheated.
You actually cheated. It wasn't me.
346
00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:14,720
Look, has anyone else see a putter
347
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:17,280
go anywhere near
Little Gary's 'arris?
348
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:20,920
Don't believe ya.
I don't believe you at all.
349
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:24,120
Hello! Hello! Need a manager
over here on the final hole!
350
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:27,400
Manager, please! We need
to start this whole game again!
351
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,880
Gary. Don't be a div.
352
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,960
Sorry, are you done with this hole?
353
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,720
My lovely darling, this is - there's
a stewards enquiry on this one,
354
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:37,120
I'm afraid to say. Manager's
on his way so just bear with.
355
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:39,480
Gary, this is getting really mucky.
356
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:43,200
Let's just wipe our mouths
and call it a draw. No. No.
357
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:46,800
You cheated. What do you think
the manager's going to do, Gary?
358
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:50,400
He'll get the CCTV and we'll
see who putter-bummed me.
359
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:51,800
This is getting so desperate.
360
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,240
No-one else has seen this whole
putter thing.
361
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:57,200
Oh, I know what happened here.
You knew I was going to win
362
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:01,000
and you couldn't handle it so
you went underhand. Shame on you.
363
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,080
Gary, that is well out of order
on your father.
364
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,320
He is not a cheat.
365
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,520
Oh, you can shut up, ya melt.
366
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,480
You set up camp in his arsehole
all day long.
367
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,600
Made yourself a little den up there.
And you're so far up in the inside
368
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,840
you don't know what's happening on
the outside.
369
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,920
If you did - which you don't - you'd
see that everyone says you're
370
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,280
an embarrassment!
371
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,960
You little bum vole!
You sphincter squirrel.
372
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,160
It's wrong, mate.
373
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:29,360
Why don't you go and get your own
dad and stop trying to steal mine?
374
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,960
Are we OK to play now? Yeah.
375
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,120
Yeah. Crack on.
376
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,560
And all I can say is I HOPE
377
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,960
that that gentleman there does you
the due diligence of letting you
378
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:46,040
play your hole without resorting
to cheating. Nice one, Dad.
379
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,000
Come on, Teddy.
380
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,520
All right, Gal? Have you got
a minute? What's going on, mate?
381
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:55,000
I'm having a nightmare here.
382
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,560
John, mate, I've just lost a very
serious game of mini golf
383
00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:00,920
to my dad's cheating, so... Sorry,
mate, but I'm all at sea here.
384
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:04,480
John, I can't be having you at
the moment, mate, I'm sorry.
385
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,120
Teddy!
386
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,920
He's had a really woeful time.
387
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,920
I mean, he's up there
crying his eyes out.
388
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,760
I got him wrong, Sach,
I got him wrong.
389
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:22,400
Crying? That's not really a good
look for a man. A crying man?
390
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:27,520
My father has just stuck
his putter up my 'arris.
391
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:30,360
I'm going to Burger and Lobster,
babycakes, you coming, yeah?
392
00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:32,360
No, babe, I'm going
to have to stay here
393
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:35,440
and sort some things out I've really
messed up. Give me half hour? Nah.
394
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:39,560
No. No, I need to cut loose now.
I'm on the very edge of reason here.
395
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:42,120
OK, OK, OK. Well, listen, go
and grab some food with Teddy
396
00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:44,200
and that'll make you
feel better, won't it?
397
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,160
I'm so sorry you've had to
see me like this
398
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:49,200
but this is the worst day
of my entire life.
399
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:53,160
Teddy, Ted, Ted, Ted.
400
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:57,040
Listen.
401
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,360
Why don't you give John
another chance, eh?
402
00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:02,160
Honestly, look at me,
look into my eyes, right?
403
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:04,800
Now look into your heart.
Now look back up at me
404
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:08,400
and you ask yourself, babe, are you
ready to walk away from this?
405
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:13,920
He made a right show of himself.
Of all of us.
406
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,840
As it stands,
what he said about Big Gal,
407
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:21,560
don't think I can talk to him again.
Was it that bad? He's a liability.
408
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:23,600
I knew this would be a disaster.
409
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:26,280
Sorry, um, can I have a word,
please?
410
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,800
Is this about what
happened on the ninth hole?
411
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,560
Sorry state of affairs.
412
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:35,800
As a family we're so humiliated
and we can only apologise.
413
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:39,720
Sorry, no. Madam, can I have
a look in your bag, please?
414
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,680
PLATES CLATTER
415
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,120
Denise, not again!
416
00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:55,560
It's not on. This is like
the garden centre all over again.
417
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,160
It's only a little nicksy-pooch.
418
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,720
You can dress it up with whatever
cute little name you like -
419
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:03,480
it's still stealing. I told ya,
no robbing when you're out with me!
420
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,960
Oh, come on,
we've already paid for the food.
421
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:10,880
You ain't paid for the crockery an'
all! I like them, Gary.
422
00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:14,200
They're speckled.
Look, I'm sorry, mate.
423
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:15,560
How much do you want?
424
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:18,200
Can you just say they're broken
in the dishwasher or something?
425
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:20,720
It's me birthday today,
do you know that?
426
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:24,040
Me son's a moron, me wife's a
tea leaf. All I got's this chump.
427
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:26,160
He's got the brain
of a rocking 'orse.
428
00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:38,760
John. There's someone here
who wants to say hello.
429
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:39,920
Hi.
430
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:43,640
Hey. We'll have a couple
of cocktails, won't we, eh, Sach?
431
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:47,320
You owe me, mate. Big time.
432
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,640
HORN BLARES CONTINUOUSLY
433
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:50,920
Dad?
434
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,080
Are we going to
Nan and Grandad's now?
435
00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:12,280
HORN STOPS
436
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:20,280
I feel let down, Ted-boy.
Very let down.
437
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:22,320
Feel kicked to the kerb, mate.
438
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:26,000
I think the worst thing,
though, of all of this debacle,
439
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:29,720
is how will I ever be able
to look at your grandfather
440
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:31,240
in the eye again,
441
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:34,160
knowing that of all the things
what he could be in life,
442
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:36,880
he is a cheater?
He's a cheater, son,
443
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:40,360
and there's nothing worse in life
than a cheater, let me tell you now.
444
00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:44,840
You know why? Cos a cheater can
never change his spots. There.
445
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:49,680
It was me what stuck
the club up your butt.
446
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:54,480
Why, Ted?
447
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:56,800
HORN HONKS
Why, mate?
448
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,200
I mean,
shiver my timbers, kid, why?!
449
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:02,040
Why...? What are you thinking?
450
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,280
Just thought it'd be funny.
451
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,360
Now I've ruined Grandad's birthday.
452
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,720
Oh, mate, it was...
453
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,240
It was definitely funny.
I mean...
454
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:25,240
..it's actually all right that
it is actually funny, in a way.
455
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:28,800
What you did was...funny. It's...
456
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,200
HE LAUGHS
457
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:32,400
Oh, now I get it.
What a funny old...
458
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,360
That's a... That's a corker.
459
00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:37,880
And well done as well for manning up
and admitting to what you did.
460
00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:42,680
Cos that takes cajones, my son,
to admit to such a thing.
461
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,080
For that, you have my respect.
462
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:48,880
Look me in the eye.
When we shake hands, eye contact.
463
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:53,400
Well done. Come on, let's
go and get a bit of cake.
464
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:55,360
Come on, boy. Come on.
465
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:08,360
All right, boy?
466
00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:11,040
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How was
your lobster and your burger?
467
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:13,680
Couldn't get a table.
468
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:18,960
Turns out you do have to book, so,
uh, just went to Pizza Hut instead.
469
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:22,720
Salad bar, stuffed crust?
Yeah. All the above.
470
00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:25,000
Still the best pizza in town,
for my money.
471
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:36,600
Sorry about sticking that putter up
your jacksie, son. That weren't on.
472
00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:39,320
MUSIC: You Don't Love Me
(No, No, No) by Dawn Penn
473
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:55,880
No, no, no
474
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:04,040
You don't love me and I know now
475
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,480
The people
476
00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:09,480
The-the-the-the-the people
477
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:14,880
No, no, no
478
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:18,080
You don't love me
479
00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:20,960
Yes, I know now
480
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:24,000
Yeah, the people
481
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:27,680
The-the-the-the-the people
482
00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:30,240
The people
483
00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:34,800
Cos you left me
484
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:37,280
Baby
485
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:45,240
And I got no place to go now...
486
00:28:45,290 --> 00:28:49,840
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