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1
00:00:10,030 --> 00:00:11,560
- PREVIOUSLY ON
CALIFORNICATION...
2
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:13,260
- NO ONE WANTS
TO PUBLISH YOUR BOOK.
3
00:00:13,300 --> 00:00:14,500
- THIS IS A BIG FUCKIN' BUMMER.
4
00:00:14,530 --> 00:00:17,130
I COULD REALLY USE AN INFLUX
OF "CASHISH" RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
5
00:00:17,170 --> 00:00:19,400
- RUNKLE,
QUIT BEATING YOUR MEAT.
6
00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:21,610
- HANK MOODY, SUE COLLINI.
7
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,410
- BECCA'S DAD, RIGHT?
- YIKES.
8
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:24,440
- CHELSEA'S MOM?
9
00:00:24,470 --> 00:00:26,310
- HEY, SPEAK OF THE SHE-DEVILS.
10
00:00:26,340 --> 00:00:27,710
- CAN I GO OVER TO CHELSEA'S?
11
00:00:27,740 --> 00:00:29,810
- ACTUALLY, STAY FOR DINNER.
HANK MOODY...
12
00:00:29,850 --> 00:00:32,420
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO RICHARD BATES, THE WRITER.
13
00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:34,280
HE'S GOING TO BE
TEACHING HERE THIS YEAR.
14
00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:35,790
- BIG FAN.
DRINK WITH ME.
15
00:00:35,820 --> 00:00:37,520
- TEN YEARS' SOBRIETY
DOWN THE DRAIN.
16
00:00:37,550 --> 00:00:39,190
- FUCK ME.
- I CAN'T AFFORD
17
00:00:39,220 --> 00:00:40,420
TO KEEP PAYING RENT
AND MORTGAGE
18
00:00:40,460 --> 00:00:42,090
AT THE SAME TIME, OKAY?
19
00:00:42,130 --> 00:00:43,790
I'LL JUST--I'LL MOVE BACK IN.
- THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT.
20
00:00:43,830 --> 00:00:44,790
- IT'S WITHIN HIS RIGHT.
21
00:00:44,830 --> 00:00:46,160
- OH! YES!
22
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,200
- YOU'RE THE DEAN
OF THIS FINE INSTITUTE
23
00:00:48,230 --> 00:00:49,670
OF FANCY BOOK LEARNING?
- CORRECT.
24
00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:53,200
- WHO WANTS TO SEE ME TUCK
AND DO THE PEE-PEE DANCE?
25
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:54,200
[laughter]
26
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,340
- LET'S GET YOUR CLOTHES.
27
00:00:56,370 --> 00:00:57,670
- WHAT ABOUT BATES?
28
00:00:57,710 --> 00:00:59,140
IS HE GONNA BE ABLE
TO DO HIS THING?
29
00:00:59,180 --> 00:01:01,710
- FROM REHAB?
I DOUBT IT.
30
00:01:01,750 --> 00:01:03,450
YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW
31
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,850
OF ANY OTHER
BAD BOY NOVELISTS
32
00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,620
LOOKING FOR A TEACHING GIG,
WOULD YOU?
33
00:01:08,650 --> 00:01:11,620
[rock music]
34
00:01:11,660 --> 00:01:13,590
*
35
00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:21,300
- [whistles]
36
00:01:23,330 --> 00:01:25,670
[muttering gibberish]
37
00:01:25,700 --> 00:01:28,140
- MM!
38
00:01:28,170 --> 00:01:29,570
- YES, MARCY.
39
00:01:29,610 --> 00:01:31,540
- HOW ARE THINGS AT WORK,
TEACH?
40
00:01:31,580 --> 00:01:34,140
- EXCELLENT QUESTION,
COUGAR SMURF.
41
00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:36,380
ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT
I GENERALLY LOATHE YOUNG PEOPLE,
42
00:01:36,410 --> 00:01:37,650
IT'S A PRETTY CUSH GIG.
43
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:40,380
- AND WE'RE KEEPING OUR HANDS
OFF THE YOUNG NUBILES, ARE WE?
44
00:01:40,420 --> 00:01:41,250
- PLEASE.
45
00:01:41,290 --> 00:01:42,790
TEENAGE GIRLS
ARE GREATLY OVERRATED.
46
00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:45,320
PRESENT COMPANY EXCEPTED,
OF COURSE.
47
00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:49,790
- OF COURSE.
48
00:01:49,830 --> 00:01:51,160
- ARE YOU OKAY OVER THERE?
49
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:52,800
ARE YOU STROKING OUT
OR SOMETHING?
50
00:01:52,830 --> 00:01:53,930
- OH, WHATEVER DO YOU MEAN?
51
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,670
- YOU'RE GRINNING
LIKE A MONGOLOID.
52
00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:57,630
- NO, I THINK
I'M JUST FEELING GRATEFUL.
53
00:01:57,670 --> 00:01:59,170
THIS SEEMS LIKE OLD TIMES,
DON'T IT?
54
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:00,840
- HERE WE GO.
55
00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:01,940
- TRUTH BE TOLD,
56
00:02:01,970 --> 00:02:03,940
I REMEMBER THE FOOD
BEING A HELL OF A LOT BETTER.
57
00:02:03,970 --> 00:02:04,940
WHAT ABOUT THIS STEAK?
58
00:02:04,970 --> 00:02:06,580
TASTES LIKE PRISON ASS.
59
00:02:06,610 --> 00:02:08,310
- BECCA. MISS.
60
00:02:08,350 --> 00:02:11,280
YOU'RE NOT EATING.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
61
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:13,180
- NOTHING. I'M ON A DIET.
62
00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:14,250
- WHAT?
63
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,450
- HEY, YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL,
YOUNG, WHITE WOMAN.
64
00:02:16,490 --> 00:02:17,820
REMEMBER THAT.
65
00:02:17,850 --> 00:02:19,260
- YOU DO NOT NEED
TO BE ON A DIET.
66
00:02:19,290 --> 00:02:20,620
- DAD, I COULD EASILY
LOSE TEN POUNDS.
67
00:02:20,660 --> 00:02:21,890
- [gasps]
YOUR MOTHER WOULD KILL ME
68
00:02:21,930 --> 00:02:23,430
IF YOU DEVELOP
AN EATING DISORDER.
69
00:02:23,460 --> 00:02:25,660
- I LIKE ME A BIG GIRL.
70
00:02:25,700 --> 00:02:26,660
YEAH, BEFORE MARCY HERE,
71
00:02:26,700 --> 00:02:28,930
MOST OF MY GIRLFRIENDS
WERE SOMEWHAT ZAFTIG.
72
00:02:28,970 --> 00:02:29,930
- YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT.
73
00:02:29,970 --> 00:02:31,640
YOUR APARTMENT WAS LIKE
HALF OFF AT LANE BRYANT.
74
00:02:31,670 --> 00:02:32,970
- THAT'S RIGHT,
THAT'S RIGHT.
75
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:35,470
BIG AND GETABLE.
THAT'S THE WAY I LIKED 'EM.
76
00:02:35,510 --> 00:02:37,510
AND THEN OLD HALF-PINT HERE
CAME ALONG AND...
77
00:02:37,540 --> 00:02:40,440
- OH, GOD. PLEASE CUT
THE SWEET TALK, WILL YOU?
78
00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:41,780
- [kisses]
- WE'RE NOT TOGETHER.
79
00:02:41,810 --> 00:02:43,810
WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER.
THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE.
80
00:02:43,850 --> 00:02:46,380
- HEY, HEY. I'VE MADE
MY INTENTIONS KNOWN.
81
00:02:46,420 --> 00:02:48,390
LOVE WILL FIND A WAY.
82
00:02:48,420 --> 00:02:49,720
[doorbell rings]
83
00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:51,560
NO, NO, NO, NO.
SIT.
84
00:02:51,590 --> 00:02:53,590
SIT, RELAX, EAT, ENJOY.
85
00:02:53,620 --> 00:02:55,860
MWAH. I WILL GET IT.
86
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,000
I'M SORRY, MY NUBIAN BROTHER.
87
00:03:02,030 --> 00:03:03,800
WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF DINNER.
88
00:03:03,830 --> 00:03:05,500
WE'RE NOT INTERESTED
THIS EVENING. TA.
89
00:03:05,540 --> 00:03:06,770
- NOT INTERESTED IN WHAT,
EXACTLY?
90
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,670
- WHATEVER IT IS
YOU'RE SELLING, BROTHER.
91
00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:11,310
LET ME GUESS.
MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS?
92
00:03:11,340 --> 00:03:12,310
- I'M HERE FOR MARCY.
93
00:03:12,340 --> 00:03:15,250
- MARCY? MY WIFE?
94
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:18,880
- I'M HERE TO PICK UP MARCY.
FOR OUR DATE.
95
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:19,880
- HI.
96
00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:23,450
THANK YOU.
97
00:03:23,490 --> 00:03:27,590
- SEE YOU AROUND,
MY NUBIAN BROTHER.
98
00:03:29,890 --> 00:03:32,860
[upbeat music]
99
00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:40,870
*
100
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,650
- "THE SHY, TALENTED VAMPIRE
101
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:24,450
"LOOKED UP TO HIS
CENTURIES-OLD MENTOR.
102
00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:26,580
"EVEN IN THE TWILIGHT
OF HIS ETERNAL YOUTH,
103
00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:29,320
"THE OLD MAN WAS WICKED-SMART
AND ROGUISHLY HANDSOME,
104
00:04:29,350 --> 00:04:33,090
"A GLINT OF THE DEVIL FLICKERING
IN HIS BEAUTIFUL, UNDEAD EYES.
105
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:34,960
"THE YOUNG VAMPIRE KNEW
THERE WAS MUCH TO BE LEARNED
106
00:04:34,990 --> 00:04:37,030
"FROM HIS BLOOD-SUCKING MENTOR--
107
00:04:37,060 --> 00:04:40,960
"HOW TO LIVE, HOW TO FEED,
HOW TO FUCK.
108
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,930
"BUT THE BOY WAS HUNGRY.
109
00:04:42,970 --> 00:04:44,830
"RAVENOUS, ACTUALLY.
110
00:04:44,870 --> 00:04:46,470
"SOON HE WOULD HAVE TO FEED,
111
00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:48,470
"AND FEED HE WOULD.
112
00:04:48,510 --> 00:04:51,110
"THE MORONIC FRAT BOYS THAT
MOCKED HIM ON A DAILY BASIS
113
00:04:51,140 --> 00:04:53,010
WERE GOOD FOR SOMETHING
AT LEAST."
114
00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,880
- [clears throat]
115
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,790
[coughs]
116
00:05:01,820 --> 00:05:05,120
- I--I'M JUST TEXTING
WITH MY DAUGHTER.
117
00:05:05,150 --> 00:05:07,760
IT'S THE ONLY TIME SHE ACTUALLY
ACKNOWLEDGES MY EXISTENCE.
118
00:05:07,790 --> 00:05:10,590
OKAY, SO WHAT ABOUT
BALT'S STORY?
119
00:05:10,630 --> 00:05:12,730
I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT
VAMPIRES AND FRAT BOYS AND CUM,
120
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:13,730
SO I'M HALF-CHUBBED.
121
00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:17,600
HOW ABOUT THE REST
OF YOU SPOILED, RICH KIDS?
122
00:05:17,630 --> 00:05:19,600
SOMEONE?
123
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,640
ANYONE?
124
00:05:21,670 --> 00:05:25,680
BUELLER? BUELLER?
125
00:05:25,710 --> 00:05:30,410
BUELLER.
WHAT SAY YE, JACKIE?
126
00:05:30,450 --> 00:05:31,520
- HE'S MY ROOMMATE.
127
00:05:31,550 --> 00:05:33,120
HE'LL GET MAD AT ME.
128
00:05:33,150 --> 00:05:34,850
- MAYBE, BUT ULTIMATELY
HE'LL THANK YOU
129
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,890
FOR HAVING THE BALLS
TO SAY SOMETHING OF SUBSTANCE.
130
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:38,960
- OKAY.
131
00:05:38,990 --> 00:05:41,790
WELL, I'VE TOLD HIM
A THOUSAND TIMES
132
00:05:41,830 --> 00:05:43,730
HE NEEDS TO DROP
THE VAMPIRE BULLSHIT.
133
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,130
IT'S STUPID.
134
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,400
YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING
CREATURE OF THE NIGHT, BALT.
135
00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:48,400
- SAYS YOU, SLUT.
136
00:05:48,430 --> 00:05:49,600
- SEE?
WHAT'D I TELL YOU?
137
00:05:49,630 --> 00:05:50,730
- ANYTHING ELSE?
138
00:05:50,770 --> 00:05:54,740
- WELL, UH, THERE WAS AN
AWFUL LOT OF TALK ABOUT FUCKING,
139
00:05:54,770 --> 00:05:56,010
BUT NO ACTUAL SEX.
140
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:57,070
THAT KIND OF BUMMED ME OUT.
141
00:05:57,110 --> 00:05:59,580
- WELL, IT IS POSSIBLE
THAT LONGING FOR SOMETHING
142
00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:01,410
IS BETTER THAN
ACTUALLY HAVING IT.
143
00:06:01,450 --> 00:06:02,910
I'VE HEARD IT SAID
THAT SATISFACTION
144
00:06:02,950 --> 00:06:04,850
IS THE DEATH OF DESIRE.
145
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:06,820
- INTERESTING.
DO YOU NEED A TAMPON?
146
00:06:06,850 --> 00:06:08,850
I THINK I HAVE AN EXTRA
IN MY PURSE.
147
00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:11,020
- OW. WHOA.
LOOK AT THE TIME ALREADY.
148
00:06:11,050 --> 00:06:12,160
WOW.
149
00:06:12,190 --> 00:06:13,720
- ACTUALLY,
THERE'S 15 MINUTES LEFT.
150
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:17,060
- WHICH IS WHY
I WILL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS.
151
00:06:17,090 --> 00:06:18,900
I CAN'T TEACH YOU HOW TO WRITE,
152
00:06:18,930 --> 00:06:21,570
AND ANYBODY WHO SAYS THEY CAN
IS FULL OF SHIT.
153
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,530
THE ONLY THING I CAN DO
154
00:06:23,570 --> 00:06:24,970
IS WRITE ABOUT THE SHIT
THAT EXCITES ME,
155
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:25,970
THE SHIT THAT GETS ME HARD.
156
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,840
SO, BALT, IF YOU WANT
TO WRITE ABOUT VAMPIRES
157
00:06:28,870 --> 00:06:30,840
DRINKING EACH OTHER'S BLOOD
AND CUM AND WHATNOT,
158
00:06:30,870 --> 00:06:32,140
BY ALL MEANS, GO FOR IT.
159
00:06:32,180 --> 00:06:33,480
WRITE THE SHIT OUT OF IT.
160
00:06:33,510 --> 00:06:35,140
DON'T BE NIGGARDLY
WITH YOUR EMOTIONS.
161
00:06:35,180 --> 00:06:38,480
JUST RUN IT UP THE FLAGPOLE
AND SEE WHO SALUTES, OKAY?
162
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:40,550
NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
163
00:06:40,580 --> 00:06:41,620
GO READ A BOOK OR SOMETHING.
164
00:06:41,650 --> 00:06:43,150
PREFERABLY ONE OF MINE.
165
00:06:47,860 --> 00:06:49,560
- YOU KNOW, I TRY NOT
TO THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH,
166
00:06:49,590 --> 00:06:52,200
BUT I COULD HAVE BEEN T.A.-ING
FOR RICHARD BATES RIGHT NOW,
167
00:06:52,230 --> 00:06:54,600
AND THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
A REAL EDUCATION FOR ME.
168
00:06:54,630 --> 00:06:57,200
I WAS DOING MY THESIS ON HIM.
169
00:06:57,230 --> 00:07:00,140
YEAH, AND THEN YOU HAD TO GO
AND KNOCK HIM OFF THE WAGON.
170
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,670
- BUT LOOK HOW
IT WORKED OUT FOR YOU.
171
00:07:01,710 --> 00:07:04,840
YOU GET TO LEARN AT THE FEET
OF A MASTER...BATOR.
172
00:07:04,870 --> 00:07:06,880
- OH, HO. CLEARLY.
173
00:07:06,910 --> 00:07:08,850
OH, HI, FELICIA.
174
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:10,610
- HI.
175
00:07:10,650 --> 00:07:11,680
HOW'S IT GOING, PROFESSOR?
176
00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:15,150
- IN A WORD? AWESOME.
177
00:07:15,180 --> 00:07:16,720
- OOH.
178
00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:18,220
INTERESTING CURRICULUM.
179
00:07:18,250 --> 00:07:20,890
- AH, LOOK AT THAT.
I SOUND LIKE A FUCKIN' RETARD.
180
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:22,860
- NO. DON'T BE SO HARD
ON YOURSELF.
181
00:07:22,890 --> 00:07:24,190
BUT YOU MIGHT WANT TO ERASE IT
182
00:07:24,230 --> 00:07:26,230
BEFORE WORD SPREADS
THROUGH THESE HALLOWED HALLS.
183
00:07:26,260 --> 00:07:28,130
ACADEMICS CAN BE VICIOUS.
184
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:30,270
- AT LEAST I'M NOT
TUCKING MY DONG IN CLASS.
185
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:32,270
NOT WITH MY PANTS OFF, ANYWAY.
186
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:34,870
- HAVE YOU TAKEN THE SEXUAL
HARASSMENT SEMINAR, YET?
187
00:07:34,900 --> 00:07:38,610
- YEAH, I HAD JILL
TAKE IT FOR ME ONLINE.
188
00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:42,280
WHAT? WHAT?
189
00:07:42,310 --> 00:07:45,850
- [sighs]
- IT'S LIKE TRAFFIC SCHOOL.
190
00:07:49,050 --> 00:07:50,820
- UH, DAVID CURRAN WANTS TO KNOW
191
00:07:50,850 --> 00:07:52,290
WHY YOU GAVE HIM A "C".
192
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:53,820
- OKAY, I'LL BITE.
193
00:07:53,860 --> 00:07:55,630
WHY'D I GIVE HIM A "C"?
194
00:07:55,660 --> 00:07:57,290
- YOU KNOW, AS YOUR T.A.,
195
00:07:57,330 --> 00:07:59,230
I'M HAPPY TO READ
THE STUDENTS' MATERIAL
196
00:07:59,260 --> 00:08:00,830
AND SUGGEST A GRADE,
197
00:08:00,860 --> 00:08:03,930
BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO READ IT ALSO.
198
00:08:03,970 --> 00:08:06,740
- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF JACKIE?
199
00:08:06,770 --> 00:08:08,100
- YOU THINK SHE'S HOT,
DON'T YOU?
200
00:08:08,140 --> 00:08:09,740
- I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
201
00:08:09,770 --> 00:08:11,270
BUT NOW THAT I HAVE,
YEAH, SHE'S SMOKING.
202
00:08:11,310 --> 00:08:13,180
- YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH
TO BE HER FATHER.
203
00:08:13,210 --> 00:08:15,850
- WELL, SURE, I COULD BE,
BUT I'M NOT.
204
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,880
AND I HAVE NO INTEREST
IN MAKING SWEET LOVE TO HER
205
00:08:17,910 --> 00:08:20,050
ASIDE FROM THE GENERAL INTEREST
THAT ALL MEN HAVE
206
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,220
IN MAKING SWEET LOVE
TO ALL WOMEN.
207
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:23,790
- YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK
I CAN BE YOUR T.A. ANYMORE.
208
00:08:23,820 --> 00:08:25,120
- I UNDERSTAND.
- YOU DO?
209
00:08:25,150 --> 00:08:27,190
- YOU FIND ME IRRESISTIBLE.
210
00:08:27,220 --> 00:08:29,660
- [chuckles]
THAT'S CLOSE.
211
00:08:29,690 --> 00:08:31,030
I FIND YOU IRRITATING.
212
00:08:31,060 --> 00:08:32,600
- CAREFUL.
THAT'S HOW IT STARTS.
213
00:08:32,630 --> 00:08:33,860
THE MOTHER
OF MY PROBLEM CHILD
214
00:08:33,900 --> 00:08:35,160
WOULD SAY
THE EXACT SAME THING.
215
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:36,770
SERIOUSLY. WATCH IT.
216
00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:38,600
- HAS A WOMAN EVER
PUNCHED YOU IN THE FACE?
217
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:40,800
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU SHOULD USE ME.
218
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:41,810
- REALLY?
- MM-HMM.
219
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:42,970
- MM-HMM.
I SHOULD USE YOU.
220
00:08:43,010 --> 00:08:44,770
I'M--I'M FRIGHTENED.
221
00:08:44,810 --> 00:08:47,210
- AS CONSULTANT IN YOUR SEARCH
FOR WORTHY COMPANIONSHIP.
222
00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,750
- I, HANK MOODY,
AM A PRIME EXAMPLE
223
00:08:49,780 --> 00:08:51,310
OF HOW THE MALE NOGGIN WORKS.
224
00:08:51,350 --> 00:08:53,620
YOU KNOW, SAY YOU'RE OUT
ON A DATE WITH SOME DICK,
225
00:08:53,650 --> 00:08:55,220
HE DOES SOMETHING
YOU CAN'T QUITE DECIPHER,
226
00:08:55,250 --> 00:08:56,620
YOU CALL ME UP,
227
00:08:56,650 --> 00:08:59,120
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT MEANT.
228
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:02,030
- THANKS, DICK.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
229
00:09:02,060 --> 00:09:03,760
I'M GONNA THINK ABOUT IT
WHILE I'M PEEING.
230
00:09:03,790 --> 00:09:05,630
- TINKLE, TINKLE.
231
00:09:05,660 --> 00:09:06,760
[knock at door]
232
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:08,200
- PROFESSOR MOODY,
233
00:09:08,230 --> 00:09:09,670
UH, CAN I HAVE A WORD?
234
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:11,130
- I SUPPOSE SO,
BUT I WAS THINKING
235
00:09:11,170 --> 00:09:13,700
OF DUCKING OUT
AND CATCHING A MOVIE.
236
00:09:13,740 --> 00:09:15,040
BUT I GUESS NOT.
237
00:09:15,070 --> 00:09:16,740
OFFICE HOURS AND WHATNOT.
238
00:09:16,770 --> 00:09:18,170
COME IN. HAVE A SEAT.
239
00:09:18,210 --> 00:09:20,980
CALL ME HANK.
240
00:09:21,010 --> 00:09:21,980
- THANK YOU, HANK.
241
00:09:22,010 --> 00:09:23,080
- I CHANGED MY MIND.
242
00:09:23,110 --> 00:09:25,310
CALL ME PROFESSOR MOODY.
243
00:09:25,350 --> 00:09:26,920
I'M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU.
244
00:09:26,950 --> 00:09:30,250
NOT REALLY.
245
00:09:30,290 --> 00:09:31,890
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
246
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,720
- LOOK, I NEED TO KNOW...
247
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:34,760
IF I'M A WRITER.
248
00:09:34,790 --> 00:09:35,760
- MM.
249
00:09:35,790 --> 00:09:37,190
JESUS CHRIST, KID.
250
00:09:37,230 --> 00:09:38,230
WHO AM I TO TELL YOU THAT?
251
00:09:38,260 --> 00:09:39,360
- WELL, YOU'RE MY TEACHER.
252
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,800
I RESPECT YOU, AND I THINK
YOU'RE AN AWESOME WRITER.
253
00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:43,270
- THANK YOU.
- I'VE READ ALL YOUR BOOKS.
254
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:44,800
COVER TO COVER.
255
00:09:44,830 --> 00:09:46,640
I LOVE YOUR PICTURE
ON THE BACK, BY THE WAY.
256
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:47,740
IT'S VERY HANDSOME.
257
00:09:47,770 --> 00:09:49,310
- THANK...YOU.
258
00:09:49,340 --> 00:09:53,140
- YOU'RE THE MENTOR, YOU KNOW?
IN MY STORY?
259
00:09:53,180 --> 00:09:58,110
THE YOUNG VAMPIRE
HAS A CRUSH ON THE OLD ONE.
260
00:09:58,150 --> 00:10:00,320
IT'S YOU. IT'S A METAPHOR.
261
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:03,020
- I'M THE OLD VAMPIRE.
FANTASTIC.
262
00:10:03,050 --> 00:10:06,660
- COME ON, HANK--
PROFESSOR MOODY.
263
00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:08,860
BRUTAL TRUTH.
264
00:10:08,890 --> 00:10:11,030
I CAN TAKE IT.
265
00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:12,760
- BRUTAL TRUTH, HUH?
266
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:15,100
- MM-HMM. ABSOLUTELY.
267
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,070
- YOUR STORY WAS BAD.
268
00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:21,440
IT WAS TERRIBLE, IN FACT.
269
00:10:21,470 --> 00:10:24,440
IT WAS LIKE THAT LAME
TWILIGHT BULLSHIT.
270
00:10:24,470 --> 00:10:26,140
I HAVE NO PATIENCE
FOR THAT CRAP.
271
00:10:26,180 --> 00:10:28,040
IT'S NOT WRITING.
IT'S LIKE BOUND TOILET PAPER.
272
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:29,880
NOW I'M NOT SAYING
YOU WON'T GET BETTER
273
00:10:29,910 --> 00:10:31,280
IF YOU KEEP WRITING,
BECAUSE YOU WILL.
274
00:10:31,310 --> 00:10:32,750
NO QUESTION.
275
00:10:32,780 --> 00:10:34,850
BUT I AM SAYING
THAT IF YOU CAN DO ANYTHING ELSE
276
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:35,890
WITH YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW,
277
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:37,690
ANYTHING AT ALL,
278
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,460
I THINK MAYBE
YOU SHOULD DO THAT.
279
00:10:39,490 --> 00:10:42,230
'CAUSE THE WORLD DOESN'T NEED
ANYMORE LAME VAMPIRE FICTION.
280
00:10:42,260 --> 00:10:45,260
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
281
00:10:45,290 --> 00:10:47,700
YOU WITH ME, AMIGO?
282
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:49,430
- I THINK SO.
283
00:10:49,470 --> 00:10:51,740
- BRUTAL TRUTH, RIGHT?
284
00:10:51,770 --> 00:10:54,400
- UH, RIGHT.
285
00:10:59,780 --> 00:11:02,180
- TEACHING'S NOT SO HARD.
286
00:11:02,210 --> 00:11:06,420
I FEEL BAD.
HE WAS CLEARLY CRUSHING ON ME.
287
00:11:06,450 --> 00:11:08,050
MAYBE I LED HIM ON.
288
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:09,750
- HMM? HOW SO?
289
00:11:09,790 --> 00:11:12,020
- I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE I WAS SENDING OUT SIGNALS.
290
00:11:12,060 --> 00:11:13,290
FUCK. MAYBE I'M GAY.
291
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:14,860
- HANK, PLEASE.
292
00:11:14,890 --> 00:11:16,060
WE'RE ALL GAY.
293
00:11:16,090 --> 00:11:17,190
- WHAT THE? WHAT THE?
294
00:11:17,230 --> 00:11:18,430
- I'M SERIOUS.
295
00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:19,800
- YEAH, I KNOW,
AND IT SCARES ME.
296
00:11:19,830 --> 00:11:21,230
- ALL RIGHT,
LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.
297
00:11:21,260 --> 00:11:23,430
IF YOU AND I WERE TRAPPED
TOGETHER ON A DESERT ISLAND--
298
00:11:23,470 --> 00:11:25,370
- I DON'T LIKE
WHERE THIS IS GOING ALREADY.
299
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:26,800
- IT WOULD ONLY BE
A MATTER OF TIME
300
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:28,270
BEFORE I WAS PUTTING IT
IN YOUR POOPER.
301
00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:29,440
- HEY, I MAY BE EASY,
302
00:11:29,470 --> 00:11:30,440
BUT I AM NOT SLEAZY.
303
00:11:30,470 --> 00:11:32,510
BESIDES, I DON'T REALLY
SEE MYSELF AS A BOTTOM.
304
00:11:32,540 --> 00:11:34,180
- FINE.
YOU PUT IT IN MY POOPER.
305
00:11:34,210 --> 00:11:36,310
- MY FIST, MAYBE.
306
00:11:36,350 --> 00:11:38,110
- WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT.
307
00:11:38,150 --> 00:11:40,980
MY POINT BEING,
WE'RE JUST ANIMALS.
308
00:11:41,020 --> 00:11:41,790
- PERHAPS, BUT THIS ANIMAL
309
00:11:41,820 --> 00:11:43,350
PREFERS THE WARM,
COZY CONFINES
310
00:11:43,390 --> 00:11:44,520
OF THE FEMALE VAGINA.
311
00:11:44,550 --> 00:11:46,790
- BUT FACED WITH A SEVERE
VAGINAL DROUGHT,
312
00:11:46,820 --> 00:11:47,960
MEN WILL BE MEN.
313
00:11:47,990 --> 00:11:49,160
BOYS WILL DO BOYS.
314
00:11:49,190 --> 00:11:52,200
- YOU'VE GIVEN THIS A FAIR
AMOUNT OF THOUGHT, HAVEN'T YOU?
315
00:11:52,230 --> 00:11:54,430
- IT'S LIKE WHEN
YOU WERE A KID, OKAY?
316
00:11:54,460 --> 00:11:55,460
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
317
00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:57,230
- NO, I DO NOT.
318
00:11:57,270 --> 00:12:00,440
- WE'VE ALL GOT A GAY EXPERIENCE
OR TWO IN OUR BACK POCKETS.
319
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:01,770
- OH, OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
320
00:12:01,810 --> 00:12:03,070
NOW--NOW I SEE
WHERE YOU'RE GOING.
321
00:12:03,110 --> 00:12:05,070
OKAY. WHAT'S YOURS?
322
00:12:05,110 --> 00:12:07,040
- OH, OH, NO, NO, NO.
YOU FIRST.
323
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,210
- NO WAY.
BALD BEFORE BEAUTY.
324
00:12:09,250 --> 00:12:11,080
- ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW? FINE. OKAY.
325
00:12:11,110 --> 00:12:12,780
SO WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,
326
00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:14,150
MY BEST FRIEND
WAS MIKE METZ.
327
00:12:14,180 --> 00:12:15,020
- UH-HUH. MIKE METZ.
328
00:12:15,050 --> 00:12:18,220
- OKAY, SOMETIMES
WE WOULD UNDRESS,
329
00:12:18,250 --> 00:12:19,960
WE'D LAY DOWN ON THE BED,
330
00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:23,090
AND JUST, YOU KNOW,
TOUCH EACH OTHER'S BODIES.
331
00:12:23,130 --> 00:12:24,530
IT WASN'T GAY.
- SURE.
332
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:26,000
- IT WASN'T EVEN SEXUAL.
- MM-HMM.
333
00:12:26,030 --> 00:12:28,000
- IT WAS, YOU KNOW,
VERY LOVING, ACT--
334
00:12:28,030 --> 00:12:29,570
IT WAS JUST AN EXPRESSION
OF OUR FRIENDSHIP.
335
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:30,800
- MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
- THAT'S ALL.
336
00:12:30,830 --> 00:12:32,900
- WELL, THAT'S INTERESTING,
BECAUSE YOU AND I ARE FRIENDS,
337
00:12:32,940 --> 00:12:34,070
AND YET YOU'VE NEVER ASKED ME
338
00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:35,300
TO GET UNDRESSED
AND TOUCH YOUR BODY.
339
00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:39,440
- SO WHAT'S YOURS, BIG BOY?
340
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,810
YOU TRICKED ME, DIDN'T YOU?
341
00:12:41,850 --> 00:12:43,250
YOU MISERABLE FUCKING BASTARD.
342
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:44,980
YOU KEEP THAT ONE
CLOSE TO YOUR VEST, OKAY?
343
00:12:45,010 --> 00:12:47,220
- OF COURSE.
OF COURSE.
344
00:13:00,260 --> 00:13:01,430
- OH, JESUS.
345
00:13:01,460 --> 00:13:03,270
YOU'RE GONNA RAPE ME,
AREN'T YOU?
346
00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:05,070
- OH, YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS,
RICH WHITE LADY.
347
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:06,070
- I'M NOT RICH!
348
00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:07,500
- BULLSHIT!
YOU OWN A SALON.
349
00:13:07,540 --> 00:13:08,500
DON'T LIE TO ME.
350
00:13:08,540 --> 00:13:09,510
- OH, MY GOD.
351
00:13:09,540 --> 00:13:11,070
PUT THAT THING AWAY.
352
00:13:11,110 --> 00:13:14,140
THAT BIG, THICK,
PURPLE THING!
353
00:13:14,180 --> 00:13:15,580
- THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU BETTER RECOGNIZE.
354
00:13:15,610 --> 00:13:17,080
THIS HERE'S A ONE-EYED,
ONE-HORNED,
355
00:13:17,110 --> 00:13:18,410
FLYING, PURPLE,
WHITE-WOMAN EATER.
356
00:13:18,450 --> 00:13:19,580
- OH!
357
00:13:19,620 --> 00:13:21,150
- AND I'M GONNA SPLIT YOU
LIKE WET PINE.
358
00:13:21,180 --> 00:13:22,190
- OH, YEAH.
359
00:13:22,220 --> 00:13:26,160
OH, YEAH.
- [grunts]
360
00:13:26,190 --> 00:13:28,090
- NO MEANS NO, YOU KNOW?
- CHARLIE!
361
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:30,290
- THIS THE SURPRISE
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT?
362
00:13:30,330 --> 00:13:31,360
- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
363
00:13:31,390 --> 00:13:32,960
- WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE
I'M DOING?
364
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,960
I'M SAVING YOU.
- SAVING ME? I'M FINE!
365
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,170
- NO, YOU'RE NOT FINE.
366
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,330
YOU'RE BEING RAPED.
367
00:13:38,370 --> 00:13:41,200
- I AM NOT!
368
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:45,170
- YOU WERE TOO.
369
00:13:45,210 --> 00:13:46,580
- WE'RE PLAYING A GAME.
370
00:13:46,610 --> 00:13:48,140
- A GAME?
371
00:13:48,180 --> 00:13:49,950
WHAT KIND OF GAME?
372
00:13:49,980 --> 00:13:52,350
SOME KIND OF SICK, TWISTED,
PLANTATION-DAYS KIND OF THING?
373
00:13:52,380 --> 00:13:53,350
- HEY.
374
00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:54,580
WATCH IT, MOTHERFUCKER.
375
00:13:54,620 --> 00:13:56,950
- IT WAS A FANTASY, CHARLIE.
376
00:13:56,990 --> 00:13:58,650
- A FANTASY?
377
00:13:58,690 --> 00:14:00,490
- A RAPE FANTASY.
378
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:02,390
- A RAPE FANTA--?
379
00:14:02,430 --> 00:14:03,490
THAT IS JUST SICK, MARCY.
380
00:14:03,530 --> 00:14:05,030
- SICK?
381
00:14:05,060 --> 00:14:06,630
I'M SICK?
382
00:14:06,660 --> 00:14:09,630
AFTER ALL THE TWISTED,
DEPRAVED SHIT
383
00:14:09,670 --> 00:14:12,240
I'VE SEEN YOU DO?
384
00:14:12,270 --> 00:14:15,400
DON'T YOU DARE
JUDGE ME, MOTHERFUCKER.
385
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,170
- OH, GOD.
386
00:14:17,210 --> 00:14:18,340
I THINK I'M GONNA PUKE.
387
00:14:18,370 --> 00:14:21,610
- GOOD!
388
00:14:29,050 --> 00:14:30,550
- DEAN KOONS WANTS TO SEE YOU.
389
00:14:30,590 --> 00:14:33,420
- [coughs]
HIT?
390
00:14:33,460 --> 00:14:35,220
- I'M GOOD.
391
00:14:38,590 --> 00:14:40,360
- HEY, GUYS.
392
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:41,530
THANK YOU.
393
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,370
THANK YOU.
394
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,300
- FOR WHAT?
395
00:14:45,330 --> 00:14:46,440
- I HEARD
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME,
396
00:14:46,470 --> 00:14:48,600
WHICH COULD ONLY MEAN
YOU WANTED TO CONGRATULATE ME
397
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,140
FOR THE KICKASS JOB
I'VE BEEN DOING,
398
00:14:50,170 --> 00:14:53,240
SO I JUST WANTED TO SAY
YOU'RE WELCOME.
399
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,310
IT'S BEEN MY PLEASURE.
400
00:14:55,340 --> 00:14:56,980
- THIS IS NO TIME
TO BE GLIB, HANK.
401
00:14:57,010 --> 00:14:58,980
- HOW CAN YOU BE SURE?
402
00:14:59,020 --> 00:15:00,620
- I'LL HANDLE THIS, STACY.
403
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:03,020
THERE'S BEEN AN INCIDENT.
404
00:15:03,050 --> 00:15:04,190
- OKAY, WELL, LOOK.
405
00:15:04,220 --> 00:15:06,690
"NIGGARDLY"
IS NOT A RACIAL SLUR.
406
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:10,190
AND IN FACT, ONE MIGHT SAY
THAT Y'ALL HAVE BEEN NIGGARDLY
407
00:15:10,230 --> 00:15:13,100
WHEN IT COMES TO FINANCIAL
COMPENSATION POUR MOI.
408
00:15:13,130 --> 00:15:14,630
I'M JUST SAYING.
409
00:15:14,660 --> 00:15:15,700
- ARE YOU DONE HANDLING THIS?
410
00:15:15,730 --> 00:15:16,700
BECAUSE WE ARE DEALING
411
00:15:16,730 --> 00:15:18,030
WITH AN IDIOT MAN-CHILD HERE.
412
00:15:18,070 --> 00:15:21,240
- "OH, ME LOVE HER TOO MUCH.
413
00:15:21,270 --> 00:15:22,640
"ME PET HER TOO HARD.
414
00:15:22,670 --> 00:15:25,640
SHE NO WAKE UP."
415
00:15:25,670 --> 00:15:30,110
[groaning]
416
00:15:30,150 --> 00:15:33,350
- A STUDENT OF YOURS TRIED
TO COMMIT SUICIDE LAST NIGHT.
417
00:15:36,050 --> 00:15:39,390
- SHITNESS. WOW. WHO?
418
00:15:39,420 --> 00:15:40,460
- CHRIS SMITH.
419
00:15:40,490 --> 00:15:42,230
- CHRIS SMITH?
420
00:15:42,260 --> 00:15:43,660
CHRIS SMITH.
421
00:15:43,690 --> 00:15:46,200
AH, HE'S NOT ONE OF MINE.
THANK GOD.
422
00:15:46,230 --> 00:15:47,630
- NO, HIS FRIENDS
CALL HIM BALT.
423
00:15:47,660 --> 00:15:51,100
- BALT?
FUCK, I KNOW THAT DUDE.
424
00:15:51,130 --> 00:15:53,240
- DID HE SEEM
DESPONDENT AT ALL?
425
00:15:53,270 --> 00:15:54,640
- MORE IMPORTANTLY,
HIS ROOMMATE SAID
426
00:15:54,670 --> 00:15:56,470
HE HAD JUST RETURNED
FROM A MEETING WITH YOU.
427
00:15:56,510 --> 00:15:59,510
- HE DID STOP BY...
MY OFFICE-ES.
428
00:15:59,540 --> 00:16:02,280
- WELL, WHAT WAS DISCUSSED?
429
00:16:02,310 --> 00:16:06,450
- LIFE...LOVE...
VAMPIRES AND SHIT.
430
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:07,780
- WE'RE NOT
ATTACKING YOU, HANK.
431
00:16:07,820 --> 00:16:09,250
WE'RE JUST TRYING TO WORK OUT
WHAT HAPPENED.
432
00:16:09,290 --> 00:16:10,550
- FEELS LIKE YOU'RE ATTACKING.
433
00:16:10,590 --> 00:16:11,790
- IT'S PRETTY CLEAR
WHAT HAPPENED.
434
00:16:11,820 --> 00:16:13,390
- STOP BEING
SO CONDESCENDING, STACY.
435
00:16:13,420 --> 00:16:14,190
- LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
436
00:16:14,220 --> 00:16:16,030
TENDER YOUR RESIGNATION
RIGHT NOW.
437
00:16:16,060 --> 00:16:18,390
SPARE US THE TROUBLE
OF AN INVESTIGATION.
438
00:16:18,430 --> 00:16:19,730
- YOU WANT TO HANDLE THIS,
STACY?
439
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:21,330
FINE. GO RIGHT AHEAD.
440
00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,070
JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF IT.
441
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:29,570
- SOMEONE'S SLEEPING
ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.
442
00:16:29,610 --> 00:16:31,170
GOOD JELLY BEANS.
443
00:16:31,210 --> 00:16:33,380
- LOOK, HANK,
444
00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:35,510
I KNOW YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY
445
00:16:35,540 --> 00:16:38,680
WHAT ANYONE WOULD CALL
AN EDUCATION PROFESSIONAL.
446
00:16:38,710 --> 00:16:41,320
OR A PROFESSIONAL OF ANY KIND,
FOR THAT MATTER.
447
00:16:41,350 --> 00:16:44,650
BUT MY WIFE WENT OUT
ON A LIMB FOR YOU.
448
00:16:44,690 --> 00:16:45,620
SHE LOVES BECCA.
449
00:16:45,650 --> 00:16:47,590
SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE
IF HER FATHER
450
00:16:47,620 --> 00:16:48,790
WAS GAINFULLY EMPLOYED.
451
00:16:48,820 --> 00:16:51,160
- [imitates Popeye]
AH GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH!
452
00:16:51,190 --> 00:16:53,430
- THAT BEING SAID--
- GAH GAH GAH!
453
00:16:53,460 --> 00:16:56,270
- THAT'S AN ANTIQUE.
454
00:16:56,300 --> 00:16:59,100
IF I FIND OUT
THAT YOU SAID OR DID ANYTHING
455
00:16:59,140 --> 00:17:00,540
TO PUSH THAT POOR KID
OVER THE EDGE,
456
00:17:00,570 --> 00:17:01,800
I'M GONNA MAKE IT MY LIFE'S WORK
457
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,140
TO MAKE SURE
YOU NEVER STEP FOOT
458
00:17:03,170 --> 00:17:04,140
ON THIS CAMPUS AGAIN.
459
00:17:04,170 --> 00:17:06,380
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
460
00:17:06,410 --> 00:17:09,080
DO I HAVE YOUR EAR, HANK?
461
00:17:09,110 --> 00:17:11,250
- YOU HAVE
BEAUTIFUL, BLUE EYES.
462
00:17:16,350 --> 00:17:17,490
- ARE YOU HIGH?
463
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:21,690
- I GOTTA RUN.
TALK TO YOU LATER.
464
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,830
- [sighs]
465
00:17:23,860 --> 00:17:27,800
- ALL WORK AND NO ASS-PLAY
MAKES CHUCK A DULL BOY.
466
00:17:27,830 --> 00:17:30,300
- JUST TRYING
TO EARN MY KEEP, SUE.
467
00:17:30,330 --> 00:17:33,440
- WHAT DO YOU SAY THE TWO OF US
KNOCK OFF EARLY, HUH?
468
00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:35,200
SLIP OUT OF THIS
BUSINESS CASUAL,
469
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:36,540
NUDE-UP IN MY "JACOOZE",
470
00:17:36,570 --> 00:17:38,770
SEE WHAT KIND OF SODOMY LAWS
WE CAN BREAK?
471
00:17:38,810 --> 00:17:42,210
- SOUNDS LIKE THE HEIGHT
OF DECADENCE, SUE.
472
00:17:42,250 --> 00:17:44,410
BUT I SHOULD PROBABLY
GET THROUGH THIS SLUSH PILE.
473
00:17:44,450 --> 00:17:46,480
WHO KNOWS? I MIGHT EVEN
FIND SOMETHING GOOD.
474
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:47,820
- WHO KNOWS?
475
00:17:47,850 --> 00:17:49,320
YOU MIGHT FIND SOMETHING BETTER
476
00:17:49,350 --> 00:17:50,620
IN MY PUNANI.
477
00:17:50,650 --> 00:17:52,260
- YEAH.
478
00:17:52,290 --> 00:17:54,690
WARREN BEATTY'S
LOST ROLEX, MAYBE.
479
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,530
- [laughs]
480
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:59,900
OH, YOU ARE A DIRTY DOG.
481
00:17:59,930 --> 00:18:01,530
I LIKE YOUR STYLE, RUNKLE.
482
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:06,370
- HEY, CAN I ASK YOU
A QUESTION, SUE?
483
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:07,770
- THE ANSWER'S YES.
484
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:09,540
I WOULD LOVE A FACE-RIDE.
485
00:18:09,570 --> 00:18:11,910
- SERIOUSLY,
486
00:18:11,940 --> 00:18:15,840
DO WOMEN EVER FANTASIZE
487
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,810
ABOUT...BEING RAPED?
488
00:18:18,850 --> 00:18:21,780
- ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME WET?
489
00:18:21,820 --> 00:18:24,720
- I DON'T THINK SO.
- YES, CHARLIE.
490
00:18:24,750 --> 00:18:27,660
WOMEN FANTASIZE ABOUT RAPE.
491
00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:28,920
- REALLY?
- MM-HMM.
492
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:34,760
AND MY OWN FEATURES
A HANDSOME STRANGER.
493
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:40,300
THINK JACK, CIRCA
THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE,
494
00:18:40,340 --> 00:18:43,910
SNEAKING INTO MY BEDROOM
AND TAKING ME IN MY SLEEP.
495
00:18:43,940 --> 00:18:46,210
HE PULLS DOWN MY PANTIES.
496
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:48,410
HE ENTERS SLOWLY.
497
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,510
SLIPS RIGHT IN.
498
00:18:50,550 --> 00:18:53,280
OH, JACK.
THE PUSSY NEVER LIES.
499
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:54,420
REMEMBER THAT, RUNKLE.
500
00:18:54,450 --> 00:18:56,650
I KICK, I SCREAM,
BUT IT'S TOO LATE.
501
00:18:56,690 --> 00:18:58,590
I MEAN,
THE JUICES ARE FLOWING.
502
00:18:58,620 --> 00:19:00,320
THE TRAIN
HAS LEFT THE STATION.
503
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:04,360
WE ARE HEADED FOR A BIG,
FAT, ROCKY ORGASM.
504
00:19:04,390 --> 00:19:07,400
OH, SWEET JESUS, GUIDE ME.
505
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:15,600
ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME
SOMETHING, RUNKLE?
506
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:19,280
ARE YOU THINKING
ABOUT SOME ROLE PLAYING?
507
00:19:19,310 --> 00:19:21,240
BECAUSE YOU NAME THE GAME,
508
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:22,410
I'LL PLAY THE PART.
509
00:19:22,450 --> 00:19:24,210
AND I'M GOOD AT IT.
510
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:26,820
I USED TO RUN LINES
WITH MARGOT KIDDER.
511
00:19:26,850 --> 00:19:29,350
BEFORE SHE WENT APESHIT.
512
00:19:29,390 --> 00:19:30,850
TRY ME SOMETIME.
513
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,760
- [clears throat]
514
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:42,500
- WOW. LOOK WHO'S HERE.
515
00:19:42,530 --> 00:19:43,630
WHAT'S UP, ASSHOLE?
516
00:19:43,670 --> 00:19:45,870
- THAT'S NO WAY TO ADDRESS
YOUR TEACHER, YOUNG LADY.
517
00:19:45,900 --> 00:19:48,000
- IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE?
A TEACHER?
518
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:50,870
I WAS THINKING MORE LIKE
A DESTROYER OF HOPES AND DREAMS.
519
00:19:50,910 --> 00:19:52,010
- IS HE GONNA BE OKAY?
520
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:53,310
- MAYBE IF YOU PUT
521
00:19:53,340 --> 00:19:55,410
YOUR FUCKIN' CIGARETTE OUT.
522
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:56,610
HE'S FINE.
523
00:19:56,650 --> 00:19:57,680
HE GOT DEPRESSED
524
00:19:57,710 --> 00:19:59,680
AND HE DRANK ALL THE COLD
MEDICINE HE COULD FIND.
525
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,980
HE'S SUCH A FUCKIN' QUEEN.
526
00:20:06,620 --> 00:20:07,620
- YOU CAME.
527
00:20:07,660 --> 00:20:09,460
- 'COURSE I DID, BUDDY.
528
00:20:09,490 --> 00:20:11,260
HOW YOU DOING?
529
00:20:11,290 --> 00:20:12,930
- I HATE MYSELF,
AND I WANT TO FUCKING DIE.
530
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,030
- OH, BEEN THERE.
531
00:20:15,060 --> 00:20:16,030
- I DOUBT IT.
532
00:20:16,060 --> 00:20:17,300
WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW
533
00:20:17,330 --> 00:20:18,570
ABOUT BEING
A FUCKED-UP GAY KID?
534
00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:21,370
- WE'RE ALL...GAY.
535
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:24,440
IN--IN SOME FORM OR ANOTHER.
536
00:20:24,470 --> 00:20:29,350
WE'VE ALL HAD A GAY EXPERIENCE
IN OUR PAST OR TWO.
537
00:20:29,380 --> 00:20:30,450
- YOU TOO?
538
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:31,480
- OH, HELLS YEAH.
539
00:20:31,510 --> 00:20:33,580
- TELL ME ABOUT IT.
540
00:20:37,050 --> 00:20:40,660
- WELL, WHEN I WAS A--
WHEN I WAS A KID,
541
00:20:40,690 --> 00:20:43,830
BARELY A TEENAGER,
542
00:20:43,860 --> 00:20:46,660
MY BEST FRIEND AND I,
MIKE METZ,
543
00:20:46,700 --> 00:20:51,000
YEAH, WE WOULD, UH,
WE'D GET UNDRESSED....
544
00:20:51,030 --> 00:20:54,970
- D-DON'T STOP.
545
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:58,970
- RIGHT.
AND, UM, YOU KNOW,
546
00:20:59,010 --> 00:21:02,310
WE WOULD--WE WOULD
LAY IN BED TOGETHER...
547
00:21:02,350 --> 00:21:04,010
NAKED, UM,
548
00:21:04,050 --> 00:21:07,550
TOUCHING EACH OTHER'S...
549
00:21:07,580 --> 00:21:09,450
NAKED BODIES.
550
00:21:09,490 --> 00:21:11,550
YOU KNOW, JUST--
AND--AND IT WASN'T, LIKE,
551
00:21:11,590 --> 00:21:14,020
UH, SEXUAL OR GAY,
552
00:21:14,060 --> 00:21:16,390
BUT JUST MORE OF A...
553
00:21:16,430 --> 00:21:21,330
MORE OF AN EXPRESSION
OF OUR PROFOUND FRIENDSHIP.
554
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:23,670
- SEE, I DON'T KNOW.
555
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:26,540
IT SOUNDS
PRETTY FUCKING GAY TO ME.
556
00:21:26,570 --> 00:21:30,440
- IT DOES SOUND GAY.
557
00:21:30,470 --> 00:21:31,910
YOU KNOW WHAT?
558
00:21:31,940 --> 00:21:33,780
I'M SORRY IF I BUMMED YOU OUT.
559
00:21:33,810 --> 00:21:36,480
BUT YOU GOT TO CUT ME
SOME SLACK HERE.
560
00:21:36,510 --> 00:21:37,950
I'M PRETTY NEW
TO THIS TEACHING THING.
561
00:21:37,980 --> 00:21:40,650
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING.
562
00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:43,390
YOU KNOW WHAT I DUG
ABOUT YOUR STORY?
563
00:21:43,420 --> 00:21:44,720
THERE WAS ONE LINE I LOVED.
564
00:21:44,750 --> 00:21:47,460
UM, "THE TWILIGHT
OF HIS ETERNAL YOUTH."
565
00:21:47,490 --> 00:21:50,060
REALLY DUG THAT.
STUCK IN MY HEAD.
566
00:21:50,090 --> 00:21:52,560
- I POLISHED THAT ONE
FOR A WHILE, ACTUALLY.
567
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,960
- MM. POLISH IT.
568
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,700
- WELL, SHIT.
I GOTTA GET TO WORK.
569
00:21:57,730 --> 00:21:59,640
YOU THINK YOU COULD
STAY WITH HIM FOR A LITTLE BIT?
570
00:21:59,670 --> 00:22:02,670
- OH, NO, I HAVE, UH--
571
00:22:02,710 --> 00:22:05,410
I GOT TO--
I GOT TO RUN TOO, SO...
572
00:22:07,780 --> 00:22:09,850
YEAH, I CAN.
573
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:11,780
- NO. YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU CAN DO FOR ME?
574
00:22:11,810 --> 00:22:13,120
- WHAT?
575
00:22:13,150 --> 00:22:15,450
- GIVE HER A RIDE.
576
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:17,050
SHE TOOK THE BUS
ALL THE WAY HERE.
577
00:22:17,090 --> 00:22:18,920
GOD KNOWS
SHE'S TOO HOT FOR THAT.
578
00:22:18,950 --> 00:22:21,160
I WOULDN'T WANT HER
GETTING RAPED ON MY ACCOUNT.
579
00:22:21,190 --> 00:22:23,590
- THAT WOULD BE
MOST UNFORTUNATE.
580
00:22:23,630 --> 00:22:26,560
- COME WITH ME.
MY RAPE-PROOF CHARIOT AWAITS.
581
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:27,560
LATER, PALE SKIN.
582
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:28,560
I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER.
583
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:30,600
KEEP SCRIBBLING.
584
00:22:30,630 --> 00:22:33,040
- NO KISS GOODNIGHT?
- OH.
585
00:22:35,900 --> 00:22:38,570
- BYE, HONEY.
586
00:22:55,690 --> 00:22:58,660
[sensuous music]
587
00:22:58,690 --> 00:23:06,700
*
588
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,710
- HUH?! CHARLIE!
589
00:23:50,750 --> 00:23:52,520
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
590
00:23:52,550 --> 00:23:53,780
- WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE
I'M DOING?
591
00:23:53,820 --> 00:23:54,620
I'M RAPING YOU.
592
00:23:54,650 --> 00:23:57,090
- GET OFF ME,
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
593
00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:58,090
- DO YOU LOVE IT?
594
00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:00,260
- NO! STOP IT NOW!
595
00:24:00,290 --> 00:24:01,260
- BECAUSE I LOVE IT.
596
00:24:01,290 --> 00:24:03,130
THIS IS SO NOT CONSENSUAL.
597
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:06,600
[punch]
- OH! OW! OW.
598
00:24:06,630 --> 00:24:08,860
OW. OW.
599
00:24:08,900 --> 00:24:11,700
OW.
600
00:24:11,730 --> 00:24:13,740
FUCK.
601
00:24:13,770 --> 00:24:15,700
- WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
602
00:24:15,740 --> 00:24:18,140
- GUESS I THOUGHT IT WAS
SOMETHING YOU MIGHT ENJOY.
603
00:24:18,170 --> 00:24:20,140
YOU KNOW, AND MAYBE
IN THE MIDDLE YOU'D BE LIKE,
604
00:24:20,180 --> 00:24:22,280
"GOD, I REALLY DO LOVE
THIS SCHMUCK."
605
00:24:22,310 --> 00:24:24,650
- YOU THOUGHT THAT
IN THE MIDDLE OF RAPING ME
606
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,250
I'D REALIZE HOW MUCH
I LOVE YOU?!
607
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:28,520
- SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
608
00:24:28,550 --> 00:24:32,520
YEAH. BUT IT SOUNDED
A LOT BETTER THE WAY I SAID IT.
609
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:34,560
AND, JUST TO BE FAIR,
YOU KNOW,
610
00:24:34,590 --> 00:24:36,160
IT WAS A RAPE FANTASY.
611
00:24:36,190 --> 00:24:37,860
- FOR YOU, MAYBE.
612
00:24:37,890 --> 00:24:39,900
- OKAY.
613
00:24:39,930 --> 00:24:42,930
WELL, I'M SORRY
FOR THE MISUNDERSTANDING.
614
00:24:42,970 --> 00:24:43,900
MY BAD.
615
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:51,610
SORRY. THESE ARE YOURS.
616
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:54,010
[sighs]
617
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:57,010
[rock music]
618
00:24:57,050 --> 00:25:04,720
*
619
00:25:04,750 --> 00:25:05,890
- THIS IS WHERE YOU WORK?
620
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:06,990
- YUP.
621
00:25:07,020 --> 00:25:08,760
- BUT YOU JUST WORK
THE FRONT DESK
622
00:25:08,790 --> 00:25:10,790
OR YOU'RE THE CASHIER
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
623
00:25:10,830 --> 00:25:12,760
- SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
624
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:14,060
- INTERESTING.
625
00:25:14,100 --> 00:25:15,760
- YOU WANT TO COME INSIDE?
626
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,030
MAYBE WET YOUR WHISTLE?
627
00:25:17,070 --> 00:25:19,330
- WOULD THAT INVOLVE
SEEING YOU NAKED?
628
00:25:19,370 --> 00:25:20,170
- OH, MOST DEFINITELY.
629
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:22,340
- THEN, NO OFFENSE,
BUT I THINK NOT.
630
00:25:22,370 --> 00:25:24,210
IN THE INTEREST OF
STUDENT-TEACHER RELATIONS.
631
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,240
- WOW. LOOK AT YOU
WITH THE MORAL RECTITUDE.
632
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:28,240
I'M IMPRESSED.
633
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:29,910
- I KNOW. ME TOO.
634
00:25:29,950 --> 00:25:30,980
- THANKS FOR THE RIDE, PROF.
635
00:25:31,010 --> 00:25:31,780
- ANY TIME.
636
00:25:31,810 --> 00:25:33,680
WELL, YOU KNOW,
NOT--NOT ANY TIME.
637
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:35,780
I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE BEST
HABIT TO GET INTO.
638
00:25:35,820 --> 00:25:36,890
- YOU WERE RIGHT, YOU KNOW?
639
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:38,650
HE'S A SHITTY WRITER.
640
00:25:38,690 --> 00:25:40,290
SOMEONE HAD TO TELL HIM.
641
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:42,120
YOU KNOW,
PARENTS TELL THEIR KIDS
642
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:44,260
THEY CAN BE ANYTHING
THEY WANT WHEN THEY GROW UP.
643
00:25:44,290 --> 00:25:45,260
BUT IT'S NOT TRUE.
644
00:25:45,290 --> 00:25:46,830
NOT FOR EVERYONE.
645
00:25:46,860 --> 00:25:48,630
SOMETIMES THAT CAN FUCK YOU UP
646
00:25:48,660 --> 00:25:49,930
A LOT MORE THAN
SOMEONE TELLING YOU
647
00:25:49,970 --> 00:25:52,270
YOU CAN'T DO A GODDAMN THING.
648
00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:56,040
BESIDES, YOU CAN'T REALLY
TEACH WRITING, CAN YOU?
649
00:25:56,070 --> 00:25:57,770
- YOU'RE A SMART KID.
YOU KNOW THAT?
650
00:25:57,810 --> 00:26:00,040
- DAMN STRAIGHT.
651
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,980
ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GO SHAKE
MY MONEY-MAKERS.
652
00:26:03,010 --> 00:26:04,680
- OKAY.
- HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
653
00:26:04,710 --> 00:26:06,150
- YOU HAVE A GOOD NIGHT TOO.
654
00:26:06,180 --> 00:26:09,690
I HOPE YOU GET, UH,
LOTS OF SINGLES...I GUESS.
655
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:12,150
OR FIVES, OR...
- ALL RIGHT.
656
00:26:12,190 --> 00:26:13,160
- BENJAMINS? I DON'T KNOW.
657
00:26:13,190 --> 00:26:14,820
- BYE.
- BYE.
658
00:26:24,870 --> 00:26:26,270
HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING,
SHORT STUFF?
659
00:26:26,300 --> 00:26:28,900
- OUT.
- OUT, YOU SAY?
660
00:26:28,940 --> 00:26:29,910
OUT WHERE?
661
00:26:29,940 --> 00:26:30,910
- JUST OUT.
662
00:26:30,940 --> 00:26:32,170
- JUST OUT?
663
00:26:32,210 --> 00:26:33,710
I'M NOT FAMILIAR
WITH THAT AREA.
664
00:26:33,740 --> 00:26:35,710
- THE PROMENADE.
I'M MEETING CHELSEA.
665
00:26:35,740 --> 00:26:39,010
- OH, NOT SO FAST.
HOW YOU GONNA GET THERE?
666
00:26:39,050 --> 00:26:41,880
- I DON'T KNOW.
I'LL WALK OR TAKE THE BUS.
667
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:42,950
- DID YOU EVEN THINK TO ASK?
668
00:26:42,990 --> 00:26:45,050
- I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D CARE.
669
00:26:45,090 --> 00:26:47,290
- WELL, SORRY, HONEY.
LOOKS LIKE I DO.
670
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:48,290
- OKAY, GOOD TO KNOW.
671
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,390
SO CAN I GO?
- NO.
672
00:26:50,430 --> 00:26:52,090
WHY DON'T YOU STAY IN
WITH ME TONIGHT?
673
00:26:52,130 --> 00:26:54,160
YOU KNOW, WE'LL--
WE'LL WATCH A MOVIE.
674
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:55,430
POP SOME CORN.
675
00:26:55,460 --> 00:26:57,100
THE PROMENADE
WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.
676
00:26:57,130 --> 00:26:58,670
UNFORTUNATELY.
677
00:26:58,700 --> 00:27:00,040
- YEAH,
SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD TIME,
678
00:27:00,070 --> 00:27:01,800
BUT I THINK I'D RATHER GO OUT.
679
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:03,910
- WELL, I--I THINK I'D RATHER
HAVE YOU STAY HOME.
680
00:27:03,940 --> 00:27:04,810
HOW 'BOUT THAT?
681
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,810
- GOT IT. LOUD AND CLEAR.
SO CAN I GO?
682
00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:10,380
- ASKED AND ANSWERED, BECCA.
- WHY?
683
00:27:10,410 --> 00:27:13,280
- BECAUSE I SAID SO.
- BECAUSE YOU SAID SO?
684
00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:16,450
- BECAUSE I SAID SO.
- JESUS.
685
00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:19,020
- WHO ARE YOU TEXTING?
- CHELSEA.
686
00:27:19,050 --> 00:27:20,890
TO TELL HER YOU'RE BEING
A TOTAL DICK RIGHT NOW.
687
00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:22,360
- WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU?
688
00:27:22,390 --> 00:27:24,860
WHEN DID YOU BECOME
SUCH A LITTLE SNOT?
689
00:27:24,890 --> 00:27:26,130
THAT IS NOT FUNNY, BECCA.
690
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,930
- IT'S FUNNY TO ME.
691
00:27:33,470 --> 00:27:34,740
[glass shatters]
692
00:27:34,770 --> 00:27:36,340
- I FUCKING HATE YOU!
693
00:27:36,370 --> 00:27:38,070
- YEAH,
AND I FUCKIN' HATE YOU TOO,
694
00:27:38,110 --> 00:27:41,040
YOU LITTLE SHIT.
695
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:43,480
[door slams]
696
00:27:43,510 --> 00:27:46,680
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