All language subtitles for Californication S01E03 The Whore of Babylon

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,130 --> 00:00:11,030 PREVIOUSLY ON "CALIFORNICATION"... 2 00:00:11,830 --> 00:00:12,800 SO, HANK. MEREDITH. 3 00:00:12,830 --> 00:00:15,670 HAVE YOU WRITTEN ANYTHING I MIGHT HAVE READ? 4 00:00:15,700 --> 00:00:18,440 WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU READ, MEREDITH. 5 00:00:18,470 --> 00:00:21,740 THE GOOD PEOPLE HELL-A ARE VERY INTERESTED IN YOUR THOUGHTS. 6 00:00:21,770 --> 00:00:25,640 THEY WOULD LIKE YOU TO BLOG FOR THEM. 7 00:00:26,710 --> 00:00:29,080 JESUS H. CHRIST. 8 00:00:29,110 --> 00:00:30,280 I AM 16, YOU KNOW. 9 00:00:30,310 --> 00:00:31,480 SO I'VE BEEN TOLD. 10 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:32,820 HI, DADDY! 11 00:00:32,850 --> 00:00:34,580 HONEY, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON. WE HAVE COMPANY. 12 00:00:34,620 --> 00:00:36,750 ARE YOU TOTALLY SERIOUS ABOUT MARRYING BILL? 13 00:00:36,790 --> 00:00:38,620 YES. WHY? 14 00:00:38,660 --> 00:00:39,760 WHAT ABOUT HANK? 15 00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:41,230 GAME ON, BROHEME. 16 00:00:41,260 --> 00:00:42,230 [ COUGHS ] 17 00:00:42,260 --> 00:00:43,490 YOU WANT TO GET FUCKED UP? 18 00:00:43,530 --> 00:00:44,630 OH. 19 00:00:46,230 --> 00:00:47,530 OH, GOD. 20 00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:51,840 MUST BE WEIRD, THOUGH. WHAT? 21 00:00:51,870 --> 00:00:54,100 BECOMING THE EMPLOYEE OF A MAN YOU SO CLEARLY HATE. 22 00:00:54,140 --> 00:00:55,140 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 23 00:00:55,170 --> 00:00:57,810 MY FATHER -- HE OWNS HELL-A MAGAZINE. 24 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:07,350 Hank: ONCE UPON A TIME, I WROTE A BOOK. 25 00:01:07,380 --> 00:01:09,590 PEOPLE SEEMED TO DIG IT, SO I WROTE ANOTHER 26 00:01:09,620 --> 00:01:11,390 AND ONE AFTER THAT. 27 00:01:11,420 --> 00:01:13,720 THAT'S WHEN HOLLYWOOD CAME KNOCKING AT MY BACK DOOR. 28 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:15,890 AS SOON AS I CASHED THAT CHECK, I WRAPPED MY LIPS 29 00:01:15,930 --> 00:01:19,230 AROUND THE MIGHTY ERECTION THAT IS THE FILM INDUSTRY 30 00:01:19,260 --> 00:01:22,600 AND SUCKED HARD -- JUST LIKE A GOOD WHORE SHOULD. 31 00:01:22,630 --> 00:01:23,530 UNFORTUNATELY, 32 00:01:23,570 --> 00:01:25,500 I HAD TO BE TAUGHT NOT TO ORPHAN THE BALLS. 33 00:01:25,540 --> 00:01:26,340 MOODY! 34 00:01:26,370 --> 00:01:28,770 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TODD CARR -- 35 00:01:28,810 --> 00:01:31,410 THE CARAMEL-COATED, CHROME-DOMED AUTEUR 36 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:33,810 WHO TOOK MY PRECIOUS LITTLE NOVEL, WIPED HIS ASS, 37 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:36,650 AND TRANSFORMED IT INTO THE CRAPTASTIC CROWD-PLEASER 38 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,820 ALSO KNOWN AS "CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED LOVE." 39 00:01:38,850 --> 00:01:40,920 [ BOOING ] 40 00:01:40,950 --> 00:01:42,120 MY PEOPLE. 41 00:01:42,150 --> 00:01:44,520 YOU STILL BITCHING ABOUT WHORING YOURSELF OUT TO HOLLYWOOD? 42 00:01:44,550 --> 00:01:46,390 ONLY WHEN MY PIMP'S NOT AROUND. 43 00:01:46,420 --> 00:01:48,560 YOU'RE NO GODDAMN FUCKING FAULKNER, YOU KNOW. 44 00:01:48,590 --> 00:01:50,930 AND YOU'RE NO BRETT FUCKING RATNER. 45 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,700 ALTHOUGH THAT COULD BE A COMPLIMENT, 46 00:01:52,730 --> 00:01:54,300 AND IN THAT CASE, I DIDN'T MEAN TO. 47 00:01:54,330 --> 00:01:57,500 I'M SICK OF YOU TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME IN THE PRESS. 48 00:01:57,530 --> 00:01:59,270 OH, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE. 49 00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:01,510 I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE COME BY BECAUSE YOU FOUND OUT 50 00:02:01,540 --> 00:02:03,640 I FUCKED YOUR WIFE IN ALMOST EVERY ROOM OF YOUR HOUSE. 51 00:02:03,670 --> 00:02:05,180 NO? EVERY ROOM OF YOUR HOUSE. 52 00:02:05,210 --> 00:02:06,510 AND I'M SORRY ABOUT THE RUG. 53 00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:08,910 I DIDN'T REALIZE THE OLD LADY WAS A SQUIRTER. 54 00:02:08,950 --> 00:02:10,810 [ CROWD MURMURS ] 55 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:22,430 OHH! 56 00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:09,370 [ SIREN WAILS ] 57 00:03:09,410 --> 00:03:11,410 [ INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER ] 58 00:03:17,410 --> 00:03:18,480 Bill: HANK. 59 00:03:19,780 --> 00:03:20,920 WHERE'S KAREN? 60 00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:23,320 HOME, WITH BECCA. 61 00:03:23,350 --> 00:03:24,520 SHE'S FUNNY, THAT ONE. 62 00:03:24,550 --> 00:03:26,720 BECCA? YEAH, SHE IS A REAL CHARACTER. 63 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:29,590 NO -- KAREN. SHE KNOWS HOW TO PUSH MY ALL BUTTONS. 64 00:03:29,630 --> 00:03:31,930 I DON'T THINK SHE'S TRYING TO PUSH YOUR BUTTONS, HANK. 65 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,000 BILL, I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU THINK, 66 00:03:34,030 --> 00:03:35,770 BUT THANK YOU FOR SHARING. 67 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,670 I WANTED TO COME. 68 00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:38,770 YOU DID? 69 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:40,270 I'M NOT THE BAD GUY. 70 00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:41,810 YOU'RE NOT THE BAD GUY? 71 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,810 LIFE IS COMPLICATED, MAN. 72 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,880 "LIFE IS COMPLICATED, MAN." THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT? 73 00:03:46,910 --> 00:03:49,380 WAY TO DIP INTO THE PLATITUDES. 74 00:03:49,410 --> 00:03:51,280 I GUESS THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE WRITER, HANK. 75 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:52,680 OH, FUCK. 76 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:54,750 I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOU TO FUCKING COME BAIL ME OUT. 77 00:03:54,780 --> 00:03:56,290 I DIDN'T ASK FOR A FUCKING JOB. 78 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,020 I DON'T KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU ARE. 79 00:03:58,050 --> 00:04:00,420 YOU THINK I'M DYING TO BE IN BUSINESS WITH YOU? 80 00:04:00,460 --> 00:04:02,760 SOME RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL JACKASS 81 00:04:02,790 --> 00:04:04,630 WHO CAN'T GET OUT OF HIS OWN WAY? 82 00:04:04,660 --> 00:04:06,360 YOU LOOKING FOR A DICK PUNCH? 83 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,700 DO YOU WANT TO PUNCH ME IN THE DICK? 84 00:04:08,730 --> 00:04:10,830 I KIND OF DO, YEAH, BUT STANDING HERE TALKING ABOUT IT 85 00:04:10,870 --> 00:04:12,400 IS BEGINNING TO SOUND KIND OF GAY. 86 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,070 GO AHEAD. TAKE A SHOT. 87 00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:15,670 BUT THINK -- 88 00:04:15,710 --> 00:04:17,770 WOULD YOU WANT BECCA TO SEE THIS? 89 00:04:17,810 --> 00:04:19,980 I'LL SETTLE FOR A TITTY TWISTER. 90 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:24,810 Bill: GOD. YOU'RE 11. 91 00:04:24,850 --> 00:04:27,320 OHH. FUCK. 92 00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:28,550 KEEP THE JOB, HANK. 93 00:04:28,590 --> 00:04:32,790 GET BACK ON YOUR FEET. GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. 94 00:04:32,820 --> 00:04:35,860 AND FORGET ABOUT THE WOMAN YOU DIDN'T WANT TO MARRY. 95 00:04:37,030 --> 00:04:40,430 DON'T MAKE ME GET UP AND KICK YOUR ASS ALL OVER AGAIN, BILL! 96 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:44,700 [ CHUCKLES ] 97 00:04:44,730 --> 00:04:46,740 [ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ] 98 00:04:53,740 --> 00:04:57,850 * PAIN AND MISERY 99 00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:01,550 * FOUND THIS LIFE, IT'S GOT IT IN FOR ME... * 100 00:05:01,590 --> 00:05:03,420 [ LAUGHS ] 101 00:05:03,450 --> 00:05:05,890 * ...PAIN AND MISERY... 102 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,560 [ LAUGHS ] 103 00:05:07,590 --> 00:05:10,860 * ...THAT GIRL, SHE GOT IT IN FOR ME * 104 00:05:10,890 --> 00:05:15,700 * PA-A-IN AND MISERY, BABY 105 00:05:15,730 --> 00:05:19,100 * YEAH, YEAH 106 00:05:19,140 --> 00:05:23,110 * NO MORE PAIN AND MISERY 107 00:05:23,140 --> 00:05:25,040 HI. REMEMBER ME? 108 00:05:26,610 --> 00:05:27,440 HOW COULD I FORGET? 109 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:29,110 BEST BLIND DATE OF MY LIFE, ASSHOLE. 110 00:05:29,150 --> 00:05:30,280 WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME. 111 00:05:30,310 --> 00:05:32,720 YOUR SUITOR WILL BE RETURNING FROM THE SHITTER POSTHASTE, 112 00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:35,750 BUT IN HIS ABSENCE, I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER MY SINCERE APOLOGIES. 113 00:05:35,790 --> 00:05:37,450 MY BEHAVIOR THE OTHER NIGHT 114 00:05:37,490 --> 00:05:40,620 WAS BEYOND APPALLING, DESPICABLE, REPREHENSIBLE. 115 00:05:40,660 --> 00:05:42,590 I WAS A MESS. I HAVE NO WORDS. 116 00:05:42,630 --> 00:05:44,990 FOR A GUY WITH NO WORDS, THAT WAS A LOT OF WORDS. 117 00:05:45,030 --> 00:05:46,860 THAT'S FUNNY. 118 00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:49,730 I-I WOULDN'T HAVE EXPECTED THAT FROM YOU. 119 00:05:49,770 --> 00:05:52,170 BECAUSE YOU HAD ME SO NAILED. 120 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,070 HMM. WELL, LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU. 121 00:05:54,100 --> 00:05:56,640 LET ME -- CAN I... TAKE YOU OUT SOMETIME? 122 00:05:56,670 --> 00:05:58,070 I'M OUT RIGHT NOW -- 123 00:05:58,110 --> 00:06:00,740 WITH A GUY WHO'S NOT AN ASSHOLE. 124 00:06:00,780 --> 00:06:04,610 RIGHT. WELL, DO YOU SEE YOURSELF MARRYING THIS FELLA? 125 00:06:04,650 --> 00:06:05,880 YOU NEVER KNOW. 126 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,420 GIRLS KNOW IN A MATTER OF SECONDS 127 00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,420 WHETHER THEY WANT TO FUCK, MARRY, OR KILL A GUY. 128 00:06:09,450 --> 00:06:10,950 WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION, HOW AM I DOING? 129 00:06:10,990 --> 00:06:12,990 BYE NOW. 130 00:06:14,820 --> 00:06:16,960 [ French accent ] BE GOOD TO HER, MY FRIEND. 131 00:06:16,990 --> 00:06:19,430 I HAD A SHOT WITH HER ONCE, BUT I BLEW IT. 132 00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:22,030 HANG OUT WITH YOUR WANG OUT, BUT REMEMBER -- 133 00:06:22,070 --> 00:06:25,900 NO GLOVING, NO LOVING. 134 00:06:25,940 --> 00:06:28,740 AU REVOIR, MES ENFANTS. AU REVOIR. 135 00:06:37,950 --> 00:06:39,780 SO... 136 00:06:39,820 --> 00:06:41,850 YOU WERE BROUGHT UP ON THE EAST COAST. 137 00:06:41,890 --> 00:06:43,190 JERSEY MAYBE. 138 00:06:43,220 --> 00:06:45,220 NO -- LONG ISLAND. 139 00:06:45,250 --> 00:06:47,860 DAD HAD A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER, BLUE ON HIS COLLAR. 140 00:06:47,890 --> 00:06:49,830 MOM WAS A LITTLE BEAT DOWN BY IT ALL, 141 00:06:49,860 --> 00:06:52,230 BUT SHE WAS THE ONE WHO ENCOURAGED YOU TO DREAM BIG. 142 00:06:52,260 --> 00:06:53,800 THEY FOUGHT LIKE CATS AND DOGS, 143 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,970 BUT THEY STAYED TOGETHER THROUGH GOOD TIMES AND BAD. 144 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,970 YOU HAD SISTERS. YOU LEARNED ABOUT GIRLS. 145 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:03,210 YOU WERE GOOD WITH THEM -- MAYBE A LITTLE TOO GOOD. 146 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,210 YOU READ BOOKS, AND YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DIE 147 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:07,140 FIVE MILES FROM WHERE YOU WERE BORN. 148 00:07:07,180 --> 00:07:09,550 SO YOU ESCAPED INTO THE CITY YOU ROMANTICIZED 149 00:07:09,580 --> 00:07:12,550 AND REINVENTED YOURSELF AS A POOR MAN'S McINERNEY. 150 00:07:12,580 --> 00:07:14,980 HOW AM I DOING? 151 00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:18,990 PRETTY GOOD -- A LOT MORE GRACIOUS THAN MINE. 152 00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:20,960 I-I BLACKED OUT THERE IN THE MIDDLE, 153 00:07:20,990 --> 00:07:23,590 WHEN YOU WERE REALLY STRUMMING MY PAIN WITH YOUR FINGERS, 154 00:07:23,630 --> 00:07:24,960 BUT... 155 00:07:24,990 --> 00:07:26,000 WELL DONE. 156 00:07:26,030 --> 00:07:27,030 [ CHUCKLES ] 157 00:07:27,060 --> 00:07:29,000 HOW LONG YOU BEEN WORKING ON THAT? 158 00:07:29,030 --> 00:07:30,770 A COUPLE OF WEEKS. 159 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,970 IT'S A GOOD STORY. 160 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,740 ANY IDEA HOW IT ENDS? 161 00:07:57,630 --> 00:07:58,760 [ GASPS ] 162 00:08:06,340 --> 00:08:07,870 HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 163 00:08:07,900 --> 00:08:09,140 I HAVE TO GET TO WORK. 164 00:08:09,170 --> 00:08:12,010 A JOB? WHAT DO YOU DO? 165 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:15,140 WELL, DON'T YOU REMEMBER? I'M A POOR GAL'S MARTHA STEWART. 166 00:08:15,180 --> 00:08:18,010 DON'T YOU REMEMBER I'M AN ASSHOLE? 167 00:08:18,050 --> 00:08:20,280 RIGHT. I'M AN ATTORNEY. 168 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:22,020 OH, THEN WE'RE BOTH ASSHOLES. 169 00:08:22,050 --> 00:08:23,820 WHAT'S YOUR THING? 170 00:08:23,850 --> 00:08:25,760 DIVORCE. 171 00:08:25,790 --> 00:08:27,290 AYE, YOU MUST BE A BUSY GIRL. 172 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:30,290 THAT I AM, WHICH IS WHY I HAVE TO SKEDADDLE. 173 00:08:30,330 --> 00:08:31,360 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE TRYING 174 00:08:31,390 --> 00:08:33,300 TO SLINK OUT OF HERE WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE TO ME. 175 00:08:33,330 --> 00:08:35,670 HANK. PLEASE. 176 00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:37,770 I ASSUME THIS WAS A ONE-TIME THING. 177 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,300 WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 178 00:08:40,340 --> 00:08:41,970 [ CLEARS THROAT ] 179 00:08:42,010 --> 00:08:44,340 NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF GUY 180 00:08:44,370 --> 00:08:46,640 WHO'S LOOKING FOR A LOT OF REPEAT BUSINESS. 181 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:49,050 I'M OFFENDED. HOW ABOUT TONIGHT? 182 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:50,080 ARE YOU SURE? 183 00:08:50,110 --> 00:08:55,080 YEAH, A PROPER DATE -- DINNER, 20th-CENTURY STYLE. 184 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,320 I'D BE JUST AS HAPPY TO COME BACK HERE. 185 00:08:57,350 --> 00:08:59,320 NO. NO, NO, NO. DINNER. 186 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:03,130 A GIRL'S GOT TO EAT. 187 00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:09,100 THAT SHE DOES. 188 00:09:20,780 --> 00:09:22,150 [ URINATING ] 189 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,220 [ URINATING CONTINUES ] 190 00:09:31,250 --> 00:09:33,090 UH, ARE YOU GONNA FLUSH? AAH! 191 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:34,390 [ EXHALES SHARPLY ] 192 00:09:34,420 --> 00:09:36,830 WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE? 193 00:09:36,860 --> 00:09:38,630 THE REDHEAD LET ME IN. 194 00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:42,170 QUESTION -- DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE DRAPES, HANKY-PANKY? 195 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,270 YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. 196 00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:46,700 I KNOW. YOU SCREAMED JUST LIKE A LITTLE GIRL. 197 00:09:46,740 --> 00:09:48,300 KIND OF A TURNOFF, ACTUALLY. 198 00:09:48,340 --> 00:09:49,970 WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT? 199 00:09:50,010 --> 00:09:52,280 I'M LATE. WHAT?! 200 00:09:52,310 --> 00:09:55,850 THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE. I-I-I WORE A CONDOM. 201 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:59,120 THAT'S -- THAT WOULD BE LIKE THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION. 202 00:09:59,150 --> 00:10:01,180 AND YOU -- YOU'RE THE ONE WHO -- Y-YOU -- 203 00:10:01,220 --> 00:10:02,420 AND THEN YOU LEFT. 204 00:10:02,450 --> 00:10:04,150 I'M LATE FOR SCHOOL. 205 00:10:04,190 --> 00:10:06,260 OH. OKAY. 206 00:10:06,290 --> 00:10:09,060 WELL, THEN, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, 207 00:10:09,090 --> 00:10:10,330 BESIDES THE OBVIOUS? 208 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,130 DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF, CHAMP. 209 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:13,860 I HAVE A CREATIVE-WRITING COURSE, 210 00:10:13,900 --> 00:10:16,900 AND I NEED TO TURN SOMETHING IN TODAY, SO... 211 00:10:16,930 --> 00:10:20,000 OKAY, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? IT'S CREATIVE WRITING. 212 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,010 BE CREATIVE. WRITE SOMETHING. 213 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:25,270 THIS FROM A GUY WHO HASN'T WRITTEN A WORD IN FIVE YEARS? 214 00:10:25,310 --> 00:10:27,210 NOBODY LIKES A SMARTASS. 215 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,150 YOU MUST HAVE SOME PIECE-OF-SHIT SHORT STORY 216 00:10:29,180 --> 00:10:30,910 YOU NEVER PUBLISHED AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE. 217 00:10:30,950 --> 00:10:32,080 NO. NO, NOTHING. 218 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,150 Karen: HANK? 219 00:10:34,180 --> 00:10:35,450 [ DRAWER SLAMS ] 220 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:36,820 STOP THAT. 221 00:10:36,850 --> 00:10:38,090 And don't move. 222 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:39,690 Don't fuck around. 223 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,420 Do not fuck around! 224 00:10:41,460 --> 00:10:44,060 It's not funny. 225 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:49,800 HEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE. 226 00:10:49,830 --> 00:10:51,770 YOU DON'T CALL. YOU DON'T WRITE. 227 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:53,970 YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT. 228 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:54,900 AND YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL -- 229 00:10:54,940 --> 00:10:56,770 FAR TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR THESE FOUR WALLS. 230 00:10:56,810 --> 00:10:58,210 LET'S GO OUT AND GET SOME BREAKFAST. 231 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,440 I'M GETTING COFFEE. NO, WE'LL GO OUT. WE'LL GET IT. 232 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:01,910 GET DRESSED. 233 00:11:01,950 --> 00:11:03,210 Fuck! 234 00:11:07,350 --> 00:11:08,450 HANK? 235 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:09,790 YEAH? 236 00:11:09,820 --> 00:11:12,190 I JUST WANTED -- 237 00:11:12,220 --> 00:11:15,120 WHAT, NO POINTS FOR SAFETY? 238 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,330 YES, BUT MAGNUMS? WOW. 239 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:18,360 YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW. 240 00:11:18,390 --> 00:11:20,060 DID YOU HAVE A GROWTH SPURT? 241 00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:22,330 WELL, NO, I BEEN -- I BEEN WORKING OUT. 242 00:11:22,370 --> 00:11:24,130 JUST A LOT OF VITAMINS. 243 00:11:24,170 --> 00:11:26,940 I GOT A WHOLE -- I GOT A REGIMEN. 244 00:11:26,970 --> 00:11:30,370 HANK, DO NOT QUIT THIS JOB. 245 00:11:30,410 --> 00:11:32,280 IT'S HARDLY A JOB, KAREN. 246 00:11:32,310 --> 00:11:33,310 IT'S A BLOG. 247 00:11:33,340 --> 00:11:35,510 IT'S BY FAR THE BEST THING THAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU 248 00:11:35,540 --> 00:11:37,250 IN A LONG TIME, AND YOU'RE GOOD AT IT. 249 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,820 WELL, I JUST CAN'T WORK FOR BILL. 250 00:11:39,850 --> 00:11:40,880 WHY NOT? 251 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:42,950 WELL, FOR ONE, HE'S A DICK. 252 00:11:42,990 --> 00:11:45,150 COULD YOU JUST SWALLOW YOUR STUPID PRIDE 253 00:11:45,190 --> 00:11:46,990 AND KEEP THE JOB, KEEP WRITING, 254 00:11:47,020 --> 00:11:49,760 KEEP DOING WHAT YOU WERE PUT ON THIS PLANET TO DO? 255 00:11:49,790 --> 00:11:51,230 WHAT ELSE IS THERE FOR YOU 256 00:11:51,260 --> 00:11:53,760 BESIDES DROWNING IN A SEA OF POINTLESS PUSSY? 257 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:54,800 [ THUD ] 258 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,170 IT'S THE NEIGHBORS. 259 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,910 OKAY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT? 260 00:12:02,940 --> 00:12:05,240 I SHOULD GO IN THERE. I'M GONNA GO IN THERE. 261 00:12:05,270 --> 00:12:07,980 I'M GONNA GO IN THERE AND TELL HER WHAT TO EXPECT 262 00:12:08,010 --> 00:12:09,050 AND HOW TO TREAT IT. 263 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,110 IT'S ONLY FAIR. 264 00:12:10,150 --> 00:12:11,210 THERE ARE SOME IMAGES 265 00:12:11,250 --> 00:12:14,550 YOU DON'T WANT FLOATING AROUND YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD. 266 00:12:14,580 --> 00:12:18,520 TRUST ME, IT'S LIKE A MAPPLETHORPE SHOOT IN THERE, 267 00:12:18,550 --> 00:12:20,320 EXCEPT WITH LESS COCK. 268 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:24,190 SHUT UP, OKAY? SHUT UP. 269 00:12:24,230 --> 00:12:25,800 UGH! 270 00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:29,900 KEEP THE JOB, HANK. 271 00:12:29,930 --> 00:12:31,570 DO IT FOR BECCA'S SAKE. 272 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:34,340 GIVE HER SOMETHING TO LOOK UP TO. 273 00:12:40,180 --> 00:12:41,950 THANKS FOR STOPPING BY. 274 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:00,900 JUST SUPPOSE YOU'RE A GUY 275 00:13:00,930 --> 00:13:03,230 AND YOU'RE GETTING A MASSAGE FROM ANOTHER GUY, 276 00:13:03,270 --> 00:13:04,900 AND IT'S NICE, IT'S RELAXING. 277 00:13:04,930 --> 00:13:07,200 THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU GET A LITTLE TINGLE, 278 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:09,170 A LITTLE UNINTENTIONAL STIM. 279 00:13:09,210 --> 00:13:10,910 WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT, 280 00:13:10,940 --> 00:13:13,310 WHERE YOU GET A LITTLE TURGIDITY? 281 00:13:13,340 --> 00:13:15,110 YOU KNOW, YOU GET A ROLLOVER GOING THERE. 282 00:13:15,140 --> 00:13:16,910 THAT WAS NORA FROM HELL-A MAGAZINE. 283 00:13:16,950 --> 00:13:19,180 SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHEN SHE CAN EXPECT THE NEW PIECE. 284 00:13:19,220 --> 00:13:20,920 WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THAT PHENOMENON? 285 00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:24,590 HANK, THE WHOLE IDEA BEHIND THE BLOG IS AN ONGOING NARRATIVE. 286 00:13:24,620 --> 00:13:25,790 YOU UNDERSTAND? 287 00:13:25,820 --> 00:13:29,260 A SERIES OF EVENTS THAT FOLLOWS ANOTHER SERIES OF EVENTS. 288 00:13:29,290 --> 00:13:31,090 I GET THAT. I GET THAT. I REALLY DO. 289 00:13:31,130 --> 00:13:33,500 I JUST CAN'T WHORE MYSELF OUT TO THE TALL MAN ANYMORE. 290 00:13:33,530 --> 00:13:36,330 ONGOING OR NOT, I CAN'T DO IT. CAPISCE? 291 00:13:36,370 --> 00:13:40,400 WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, HANK, GROW THE FUCK UP ALREADY. 292 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,140 COME ON, YOU'RE THE LYING COCKSUCKER 293 00:13:42,170 --> 00:13:44,070 THAT GOT ME INTO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE. 294 00:13:44,110 --> 00:13:45,110 YOU SET ME UP. 295 00:13:45,140 --> 00:13:47,480 IF BY SET YOU UP, YOU MEAN CONTRIVE A SITUATION 296 00:13:47,510 --> 00:13:50,610 IN WHICH YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY START TO PRODUCE WORDS AGAIN, 297 00:13:50,650 --> 00:13:52,880 THEN, YES, OKAY, GUILTY AS CHARGED. 298 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,950 YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME WHAT YOU WERE UP TO. 299 00:13:54,980 --> 00:13:56,020 THAT WAS BULLSHIT. 300 00:13:56,050 --> 00:13:57,350 YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT! 301 00:13:57,390 --> 00:14:00,020 OKAY, YOU SEE? YOU SEE WHAT I'M GETTING AT HERE? 302 00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:02,160 OH, FUCK YOU. YOU'RE FIRED. 303 00:14:02,190 --> 00:14:04,960 YOU KNOW THAT YOU'VE FIRED ME ROUGHLY EVERY 90 DAYS 304 00:14:04,990 --> 00:14:06,900 SINCE WE STARTED TO WORK TOGETHER. 305 00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:10,230 YEAH, BECAUSE I'M A CONSISTENT MOTHERFUCKER. 306 00:14:10,270 --> 00:14:12,240 DON'T DO THIS, HANK, OKAY? NOT NOW. 307 00:14:12,270 --> 00:14:14,270 NO OTHER AGENT IN THEIR RIGHT MIND 308 00:14:14,300 --> 00:14:16,010 WOULD TAKE YOU ON AT THIS POINT. 309 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:17,110 AND THE ONES WHO WOULD 310 00:14:17,140 --> 00:14:19,240 WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO GET YOU A JOB WRITING KIDDY PORN. 311 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:20,580 YEAH, WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. 312 00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:21,510 IT'S A BRONER. 313 00:14:21,540 --> 00:14:23,980 IT'S A BRONER -- THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR. 314 00:14:24,010 --> 00:14:27,050 UNINTENTIONALLY MAN-INSPIRED BONER -- BRONER. 315 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,220 DULY NOTED. 316 00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:34,320 BRONER! 317 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:36,060 WHAT IS SO FUCKING DIFFICULT 318 00:14:36,090 --> 00:14:38,660 ABOUT DISTINGUISHING DIET FROM REGULAR, HUH? 319 00:14:38,690 --> 00:14:41,700 HERE. JUST GO. YOU'RE FIRED, ALL RIGHT? 320 00:14:41,730 --> 00:14:43,000 GET OUT. GO! 321 00:14:43,030 --> 00:14:44,970 FUCKING GET OUT OF HERE! 322 00:14:52,310 --> 00:14:55,080 Meredith: YOU OKAY THERE, TIGER? 323 00:14:55,110 --> 00:14:57,150 DID YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS 324 00:14:57,180 --> 00:14:59,320 WHERE YOU FEEL LIKE A TIRED, OLD WHORE 325 00:14:59,350 --> 00:15:01,420 WHOSE UTERUS IS ABOUT TO FALL OUT? 326 00:15:01,450 --> 00:15:05,050 I THINK I'M IN TOUCH WITH THAT EMOTION. 327 00:15:05,090 --> 00:15:08,590 REALLY? I WAS JUST BEING DRAMATIC. DO TELL. 328 00:15:08,620 --> 00:15:11,430 THAT GUY YOU SAW ME WITH LAST NIGHT? 329 00:15:11,460 --> 00:15:12,460 HE'S MARRIED. 330 00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:15,300 OH, YOU DIRTY CHEATER, YOU. 331 00:15:15,330 --> 00:15:16,270 FIVE YEARS. 332 00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:19,100 BEEN FUCKING A MARRIED GUY FOR FIVE YEARS? 333 00:15:19,140 --> 00:15:20,440 CLASSY, HUH? 334 00:15:20,470 --> 00:15:22,370 I TEND TO THINK OF MYSELF 335 00:15:22,410 --> 00:15:25,710 AS A WHATEVER-MAKES-YOU-HAPPY KIND OF A GUY, 336 00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:27,380 BUT I HAVE TO ASK -- 337 00:15:27,410 --> 00:15:29,610 WHAT'S IN IT FOR YOU, LADY? 338 00:15:29,650 --> 00:15:31,710 I LOVE HIM. 339 00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:35,250 AND I TEND TO BELIEVE HIM WHEN HE SAYS HE LOVES ME. 340 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:38,250 THAT SOUNDS LIKE A CHARMING LITTLE ROMCOM, 341 00:15:38,290 --> 00:15:41,720 EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE HE WON'T LEAVE HIS WIFE. 342 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:43,360 THE GUY'S RICHER THAN GOD. 343 00:15:43,390 --> 00:15:45,460 HE DOESN'T WANT TO CUT IT IN HALF. 344 00:15:45,490 --> 00:15:47,060 I HAVEN'T KNOWN YOU VERY LONG, 345 00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:49,070 AND THIS PROBABLY MEANS PRECIOUS LITTLE 346 00:15:49,100 --> 00:15:50,730 COMING FROM A GUY WHO TREATED YOU 347 00:15:50,770 --> 00:15:53,070 LIKE A PIECE OF PRISON ASS ON A BLIND DATE, 348 00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:56,240 BUT I THINK YOU DESERVE A HELL OF A LOT MORE. 349 00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:01,610 [ Crying ] MY BABY. 350 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,210 YOU HAVE A BABY WITH THE MARRIED GUY? 351 00:16:04,250 --> 00:16:05,280 HOLY FUCK. 352 00:16:05,310 --> 00:16:08,680 NO, MY DOG... 353 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:10,690 CAT STEVENS. 354 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,760 YOU HAVE A DOG NAMED CAT STEVENS. 355 00:16:13,790 --> 00:16:16,290 HOLY FUCK! 356 00:16:16,330 --> 00:16:18,490 [ LAUGHS ] 357 00:16:18,530 --> 00:16:21,400 A GIFT FROM MARRIED GUY. 358 00:16:21,430 --> 00:16:24,270 I KNOW IT SOUNDS INCREDIBLY LAME, 359 00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:26,270 BUT HE WAS LIKE OUR BABY. 360 00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:29,370 THE ONE THING THAT WAS OURS -- JUST OURS. 361 00:16:29,410 --> 00:16:31,640 SO, HIS WIFE GOES OUT OF TOWN, 362 00:16:31,670 --> 00:16:34,780 AND I BRING CAT STEVENS OVER TO THE HOUSE. 363 00:16:34,810 --> 00:16:38,050 NATURALLY, THE BITCH COMES HOME EARLY. 364 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,280 I BARELY HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO PUT ON MY CLOTHES 365 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:41,420 AND SNEAK OUT THE BACK. 366 00:16:41,450 --> 00:16:44,690 AND THEN I REALIZED I LEFT HIM BEHIND. 367 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:47,260 THAT FUCKING BITCH THOUGHT SWEET LITTLE CAT STEVENS 368 00:16:47,290 --> 00:16:49,130 WAS A GIFT FOR HER. 369 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:51,390 MARRIED GUY DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING? 370 00:16:51,430 --> 00:16:53,660 HOW COULD HE? 371 00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:55,730 HMM, THAT IS SICK. 372 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,330 COME ON. 373 00:16:57,370 --> 00:16:59,340 WHERE ARE WE GOING? 374 00:16:59,370 --> 00:17:01,700 WE'RE GONNA FIX THIS. 375 00:17:12,650 --> 00:17:15,080 [ COMPUTER BEEPS ] 376 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,150 [ GASPS ] 377 00:17:49,290 --> 00:17:50,550 [ GASPS ] 378 00:17:54,690 --> 00:17:56,360 [ UNZIPS ] 379 00:17:56,390 --> 00:17:59,400 [ BREATHING HEAVILY ] 380 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,210 [ CELLPHONE RINGING ] 381 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,380 [ GROANS ] 382 00:18:12,410 --> 00:18:15,540 [ PANTING ] 383 00:18:15,580 --> 00:18:17,380 [ RINGING CONTINUES ] 384 00:18:29,290 --> 00:18:30,830 HEY, HONEY. 385 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:43,770 YOU'RE INSANE. 386 00:18:43,810 --> 00:18:45,770 YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING A MARRIED GUY FOR FIVE YEARS, 387 00:18:45,810 --> 00:18:47,410 YOU'VE GOT A DOG NAMED CAT STEVENS, 388 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:48,510 AND I INSANE? 389 00:18:48,540 --> 00:18:49,450 POINT TAKEN. 390 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:51,510 I GOT TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET IN THERE 391 00:18:51,550 --> 00:18:53,520 WITHOUT BREAKING A WINDOW OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 392 00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:55,650 HOW ABOUT THIS? 393 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:56,790 OH. 394 00:18:56,820 --> 00:18:59,690 [ INDISTINCT TALKING ON TELEVISION ] 395 00:19:04,430 --> 00:19:05,430 [ SQUEAKING ] 396 00:19:08,430 --> 00:19:09,830 CAT? 397 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:15,600 AND YOU'LL NEVER HAVE DRIED-UP MEAT IN THE REFRIGERATOR. 398 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:17,270 Hey. 399 00:19:17,310 --> 00:19:18,970 Cat Stevens. 400 00:19:19,010 --> 00:19:21,540 Come here, Cat. 401 00:19:21,580 --> 00:19:22,980 ROAST BEEF, LAMB, TURKEY. 402 00:19:23,010 --> 00:19:26,480 THIS KNIFE IS LIKE A HOT KNIFE GOING RIGHT THROUGH BUTTER. 403 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:27,720 IT HAS A FORK WITH THE END, 404 00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:30,290 SO YOU PICK UP THE MEAT, DIP IT INTO THE GRAVY. 405 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,560 REMEMBER, HERE'S A GRAPEFRUIT. LOOK AT THIS. 406 00:19:32,590 --> 00:19:35,560 NOT A SEED, NOT A DROP OF JUICE COMES OUT. 407 00:19:35,590 --> 00:19:37,960 Come here. 408 00:19:37,990 --> 00:19:40,000 I'll take you away from all this. 409 00:19:40,030 --> 00:19:42,430 [ WHIMPERS ] 410 00:19:42,470 --> 00:19:45,900 Cat! Yusuf Islam! 411 00:19:45,930 --> 00:19:48,240 "Be Straight" is a good song. 412 00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:50,770 Come here, Cat. Come here. 413 00:19:50,810 --> 00:19:53,580 Come on. 414 00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:56,480 [ MAN MOANING ] 415 00:20:05,950 --> 00:20:07,260 GO! 416 00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,220 GO! 417 00:20:11,060 --> 00:20:13,360 GO. GO, GO, GO. 418 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:14,560 [ TIRES SCREECH ] 419 00:20:18,370 --> 00:20:20,540 OH. 420 00:20:20,570 --> 00:20:22,670 DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE GONE FOR GOOD IN A FEW MINUTES. 421 00:20:22,710 --> 00:20:28,510 UM, ACTUALLY, I WAS, UM -- I WAS GONNA CALL YOU. 422 00:20:28,540 --> 00:20:30,950 YOU COULD'VE E-MAILED. 423 00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:34,620 I-I THINK I OVERREACTED YESTERDAY, 424 00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:36,890 AND I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, 425 00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:43,030 SO, UH, THE JOB IS YOURS IF -- IF YOU STILL WANT IT. 426 00:20:43,060 --> 00:20:45,490 I WANT IT. 427 00:20:45,530 --> 00:20:47,830 GOOD. 428 00:20:47,860 --> 00:20:49,500 BUT... 429 00:20:49,530 --> 00:20:51,670 BUT? 430 00:20:51,700 --> 00:20:55,800 FROM NOW ON, IF I MAKE A MISTAKE OR I SCREW SOMETHING UP, 431 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,710 YOU SHOULD FEEL FREE TO DISCIPLINE ME 432 00:20:58,740 --> 00:21:01,040 IN WHATEVER WAY YOU SEE FIT. 433 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,550 YOU'RE THE BOSS. 434 00:21:07,750 --> 00:21:10,520 OH, AND, UM, HANK CALLED. 435 00:21:10,550 --> 00:21:13,320 HE SAID YOU COULD STILL BE HIS AGENT IF YOU WANT. 436 00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:16,960 [ CHUCKLES ] 437 00:21:23,430 --> 00:21:25,330 [ WHIMPERS ] 438 00:21:25,370 --> 00:21:27,300 [ BARKS ] 439 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:32,540 [ BARKS ] 440 00:21:32,580 --> 00:21:34,340 I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU. 441 00:21:34,380 --> 00:21:37,680 I WOULD HAVE FOCUSED ON A DIFFERENT AREA ALTOGETHER. 442 00:21:37,710 --> 00:21:39,880 GET YOUR ASS BACK IN BED THEN. 443 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:41,420 I GOT TO GO TO WORK. 444 00:21:41,450 --> 00:21:42,450 AH, YES, I DON'T THINK 445 00:21:42,490 --> 00:21:45,020 I'VE EVER DATED A WOMAN WHO HAD A JOB BEFORE. 446 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,830 IS THAT WHAT WE'RE DOING? DATING? 447 00:21:49,860 --> 00:21:52,700 IT DOES FEEL THAT WAY -- 448 00:21:52,730 --> 00:21:57,100 KIND OF, SORT OF, MAYBE, A LITTLE BIT. 449 00:21:57,130 --> 00:21:59,470 [ Chuckling ] YEAH. 450 00:21:59,500 --> 00:22:01,600 I GUESS IT KIND OF DOES. 451 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:04,770 TOO MANY TONGUES. 452 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:07,980 HEY, TAKE YOUR FUCKING DOG. 453 00:22:08,010 --> 00:22:10,580 I DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO TELL YOU, 454 00:22:10,610 --> 00:22:12,450 BUT THAT'S NOT CAT STEVENS. 455 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:13,580 WHAT? 456 00:22:13,620 --> 00:22:14,620 YOU TOOK THE WRONG DOG. 457 00:22:14,650 --> 00:22:16,890 SO NOT YOUR FAULT -- THE BITCH HAS A LOT OF THEM. 458 00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,150 [ CHUCKLES ] LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. 459 00:22:19,190 --> 00:22:21,060 HE SEEMS TO REALLY LIKE YOU. 460 00:22:21,090 --> 00:22:23,530 [ WHIMPERS ] 461 00:22:28,700 --> 00:22:30,400 THANK YOU. 462 00:22:33,500 --> 00:22:35,540 THIS IS NOT A MACCHIATO. 463 00:22:35,570 --> 00:22:36,910 A MACCHIATO -- 464 00:22:42,980 --> 00:22:47,680 WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH YOU? 465 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,850 WHATEVER YOU WANT, BOSS. 466 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:01,700 [ GASPS ] 467 00:23:01,730 --> 00:23:03,670 LOOK WHAT A MESS I'VE MADE. 468 00:23:28,090 --> 00:23:29,560 [ GASPS ] 469 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,570 GUESS WHO. 470 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:42,200 MMM, SOMETHING'S FAMILIAR. 471 00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,670 DID YOU SWITCH TO CAMEL LIGHTS? 472 00:23:44,710 --> 00:23:47,110 AH, THAT'S CUTE. WHAT YOU READING? 473 00:23:47,140 --> 00:23:48,880 OH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA GO THROUGH 474 00:23:48,910 --> 00:23:51,080 WITH THAT BARBARIC RITUAL, ARE YOU? 475 00:23:51,110 --> 00:23:52,580 I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT. 476 00:23:52,620 --> 00:23:54,720 YOU DON'T SOUND TOO EXCITED. 477 00:23:54,750 --> 00:23:57,590 I AM. IT'S JUST WEIRD. 478 00:23:57,620 --> 00:23:59,150 I NEVER THOUGHT I'D GET MARRIED. 479 00:23:59,190 --> 00:24:00,590 YOU HAD ME CONVINCED 480 00:24:00,620 --> 00:24:02,630 IT WAS ALL A BULLSHIT FAIRY TALE. 481 00:24:02,660 --> 00:24:03,690 AND IT'S NOT? 482 00:24:03,730 --> 00:24:05,560 NOT IF YOU MEET THE RIGHT PERSON. 483 00:24:05,590 --> 00:24:07,700 YOU SAY IT'S ABOUT MEETING MR. RIGHT. 484 00:24:07,730 --> 00:24:10,570 I THINK YOU'RE SETTLING FOR MR. RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. 485 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:14,970 I'M ASKING YOU TO CONSIDER MR. LURKING RIGHT ABOVE YOU. 486 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:16,240 HANK, HANK, HANKIE. 487 00:24:16,270 --> 00:24:18,970 I WOULDN'T WANT TO ERASE THE FACT 488 00:24:19,010 --> 00:24:22,240 THAT, ONCE UPON A TIME, I USED TO LOVE YOU. 489 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,610 BUT -- Bill: HANK! 490 00:24:24,650 --> 00:24:26,720 HELLO. WILLIAM. 491 00:24:26,750 --> 00:24:28,580 I-I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU. 492 00:24:28,620 --> 00:24:29,550 WOW. 493 00:24:29,590 --> 00:24:33,160 HANK, UH, HANK, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS. 494 00:24:33,190 --> 00:24:36,660 CONSIDERING I GOT MY PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS ALL OVER YOURS, 495 00:24:36,690 --> 00:24:38,130 I FELT LIKE, YEAH, I KIND OF DID. 496 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:44,800 BUT THAT PIECE OF, UM, ART IS WORTH A SMALL FORTUNE. 497 00:24:44,830 --> 00:24:45,930 DON'T LOOK A GIFT PIECE 498 00:24:45,970 --> 00:24:47,770 OF OVERPRICED POP ART IN THE MOUTH. 499 00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:49,270 I KNOW PEOPLE WHO KNOW PEOPLE. 500 00:24:49,300 --> 00:24:50,240 JUST ENJOY IT. 501 00:24:50,270 --> 00:24:53,880 CONSIDER IT A BELATED ENGAGEMENT PRESENT. 502 00:24:53,910 --> 00:24:55,610 HANG IT OVER YOUR MARITAL BED. 503 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:56,610 [ CHUCKLES ] 504 00:24:56,650 --> 00:24:59,150 WHAT'S UP WITH YOU? YOU SEEM KIND OF, UM -- 505 00:24:59,180 --> 00:25:00,620 JAUNTY? YES. 506 00:25:00,650 --> 00:25:02,180 DEVIL-MAY-CARE? YES. 507 00:25:02,220 --> 00:25:03,690 HAPPY? 508 00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:04,550 EVEN. 509 00:25:04,590 --> 00:25:05,890 WELL, MAYBE I MET A GIRL. 510 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:07,890 HEY, DAD. HEY, HONEY. 511 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:09,320 I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU, TOO. 512 00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:11,660 JUST HOLD ON. STAY RIGHT THERE. 513 00:25:13,730 --> 00:25:14,900 [ WHIMPERS ] 514 00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,700 I'M PARTIAL TO YUSUF ISLAM, 515 00:25:16,730 --> 00:25:19,640 BUT YOU CAN CALL HIM WHATEVER YOU WANT. 516 00:25:19,670 --> 00:25:21,670 AND, BILL, DON'T WORRY. HE CAN STAY WITH ME. 517 00:25:21,700 --> 00:25:23,070 THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU, HANK. 518 00:25:23,110 --> 00:25:26,310 Bill: YES, HANK, THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU. 519 00:25:26,340 --> 00:25:29,650 WELL, YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE ONE BIG HAPPY. 520 00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:30,810 I AM PROUD TO REPORT 521 00:25:30,850 --> 00:25:33,220 THAT MY DAUGHTER HAS JUST PENNED 522 00:25:33,250 --> 00:25:34,980 ONE OF THE MOST IMPRESSIVE SHORT STORIES 523 00:25:35,020 --> 00:25:36,720 I HAVE EVER HAD THE PLEASURE OF READING. 524 00:25:36,750 --> 00:25:39,990 NOW, THE PROSE WAS A BIT ON THE PURPLE SIDE, 525 00:25:40,020 --> 00:25:43,190 BUT STILL, I HAD NO IDEA SHE HAD IT IN HER. 526 00:25:43,230 --> 00:25:44,990 I'M SURE THE PROSE WASN'T THAT PURPLE. 527 00:25:45,030 --> 00:25:48,800 NO, IT WAS, BUT STILL, IT WAS GOOD STUFF. 528 00:25:48,830 --> 00:25:51,100 THAT IS SOMETHING. 529 00:25:51,130 --> 00:25:53,070 WELL, IT'S WHAT I DO. 530 00:25:53,100 --> 00:25:57,840 SPEAKING OF WHICH, DARE I ASK ABOUT THE BLOG? 531 00:25:57,870 --> 00:25:59,980 HONEY, TO QUOTE THE CLASH, 532 00:26:00,010 --> 00:26:03,280 SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I ROCK THE CASBAH? 533 00:26:03,310 --> 00:26:06,620 DO WHAT YOU WANT, DAD. I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT. 534 00:26:06,650 --> 00:26:07,720 [ GIGGLES ] 535 00:26:10,850 --> 00:26:12,250 Hank: GOOD MORNING, HELL-A. 536 00:26:12,290 --> 00:26:16,730 IN THE LAND OF THE LOTUS-EATERS, TIME PLAYS TRICKS ON YOU. 537 00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:18,730 ONE DAY YOU'RE DREAMING. 538 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:22,360 THE NEXT, YOUR DREAM HAS BECOME YOUR REALITY. 539 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:24,870 IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES. 540 00:26:24,900 --> 00:26:27,370 IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME. 541 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:30,740 MISTAKES WERE MADE, HEARTS WERE BROKEN, 542 00:26:30,770 --> 00:26:32,910 HARSH LESSONS LEARNED. 543 00:26:32,940 --> 00:26:35,710 MY FAMILY GOES ON WITHOUT ME, 544 00:26:35,740 --> 00:26:40,150 WHILE I DROWN IN A SEA OF POINTLESS PUSSY. 545 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:44,790 I DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT HERE. 546 00:26:44,820 --> 00:26:49,930 BUT HERE I AM, ROTTING AWAY IN THE WARM CALIFORNIA SUN. 547 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:53,030 THERE ARE THINGS I NEED TO FIGURE OUT, 548 00:26:53,060 --> 00:26:56,000 FOR HER SAKE, AT LEAST. 549 00:26:56,030 --> 00:26:57,870 THE CLOCK IS TICKING. 550 00:26:57,900 --> 00:26:59,700 THE GAP IS WIDENING. 551 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:05,310 SHE WON'T ALWAYS LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT. 552 00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:12,010 -- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com 553 00:27:12,050 --> 00:27:17,050 CLOSED CAPTIONING PROVIDED BY SHOWTIME NETWORKS AND BLIND DECKER PRODUCTIONS 38670

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