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[grunting softly]

[Steve-O]
A Steve-O comedy special

is probably confusing people
at this point,

and I get that.

[laughs]

[grunts softly]

I'm known for doing
fucked up shit.

Oh, shit.

[screams]

♪ upbeat music

♪♪

I've been doing it
for a long, long time.

♪♪

Oh, shit!

Ow!
Owww!

Ow, shit!
[screams indistinctly]

♪♪

But I'll tell you,

I started doing
stand-up comedy in 2006.

I don't know if this is
the amphetamines,

the Xanax,
the grass, or the booze,

but I feel fucking great.

[cheering and laughter]

I've been touring relentlessly
for the last five years.

Everything I've done
for the last five years,

really my life,
has led up to this.

I know that people don't know
what to expect from this,

but they're never gonna
fucking forget it.

Go out there and
give it to 'em, Steve-O.

Give it to 'em hard.

[cheers and applause]

[male announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,

Steve-O!

[cheers and applause]

[classical music plays]

[audience]
Steve-O! Steve-O!

[driving rock music]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

Clean in motherfucking half.

[man]
Yeah!

This is a big deal.
[chuckles]

[man]
Yeah!

What has four thumbs
and loves blowjobs?

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I fucking love blowjobs,
man.

[cheers and laughter]

Does anybody want one?

[laughs]

Fuck yeah,
Austin, Texas!

What's going on?

[cheers and applause]

This is the biggest night
of my life ever!

And thank you guys
for being here.

[cheers and applause]

It's fucking going down.

So let me start by
answering a question, okay?

Because I've gotten this
since day one.

How did all
the Jackassstuff start?

People want to know my secret
for breaking into show business,

and I will tell you,
I had three.

I was a terrible student.

Attention whorehouse.

[chuckles]

And a drug addict.

That helped.

When I was
in high school, man,

it wasn't just, like,
my grades that were a problem.

A week before graduation,

I got hauled in to the
guidance counselor's office.

He says, "We know you've
been dealing drugs, big time.

And if you think
we won't expel you

just one week before
graduation,

think again,
because it's happened."

But it was just my word
against the word

of all the freshmen
I was selling acid to.

Yeah.

They didn't actually
have shit on me.

So I totally graduated,

and off I went
to the University of Miami,

where within two weeks
of class starting

I was on final
disciplinary probation.

That's fucking badass!

And I got kicked out
of the dorms,

I failed my classes,
and I dropped out,

which I like to call
overachieving.

So I'm on the way out of
the University of Miami,

and people are asking me,
like,

"Well, what are you
gonna do now?"

And I told 'em, "I'm gonna
videotape fucked-up shit,

and I'm gonna become
a crazy famous stuntman."

[man]
Yeah!

Everybody thought
the same thing.

"What a shame."

But I didn't care
because I had a vision,

and I had special skills.

I was really good
at drinking bong water.

[laughter and cheering]

I would squeeze lemon juice

into my eyes whenever.

And on special occasions,

I would let people choke me

completely unconscious.

[gentle music]

Ladies and gentlemen,
this right here

is top UFC fighter,

American Army Ranger

and sniper, Tim Kennedy.

Make some noise.

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[scattered cheers]

[cheers and applause]

[audience shouting]

[man]
Get up!

We get a show to do!

[cheers and applause]

[laughs]

Did he drop me?

[audience]
Yeah!

Yeah?
Did I fall?

[audience]
Yeah!

Fuck, I can't remember.

Craziest thing is that
with all these special skills,

nobody was hiring me.
[chuckles]

My life sucked

until I found out about

Ringling Bros. and Barnum
& Bailey Clown College.

[cheers and applause]

I was like, "Dude, if I
could graduate from there,

people would take me seriously
as a stuntman."

And it was totally free
to get into.

The only thing that they,
like, charged you for

was your fancy
custom-made clown costume.

Not only did I get in,

they waived my costume fee.

So I went to Clown College
on a fucking scholarship.

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

But the best fucking thing

is that when I was going
to Clown College,

my cousin was going
to mortician school,

and our mothers
were intensely debating

whose son
was a bigger loser.

[laughs]

I graduated
from Clown College,

but I wasn't one of the clowns

that got picked to work

for the animal-abusing circus.

So I had to borrow $20

to afford a Greyhound Bus
ticket

to get back
to my sister's house

and hang my fancy clown
costume in the closet

while it did nothing,

and I sold shitty weed.

[chuckles]

And the bags
of weed I sold

did not weigh what
they were supposed to weigh.

[laughs]

But after I got done
ripping you off,

I would show you
a super cool trick.

Allow me to demonstrate.
[chuckles]

[cheers and applause]

I'm gonna pour myself
a drink.

I'm gonna balance this drink
on my head.

As soon as I let go
of the cup,

both of my arms go down
completely by my side.

While this drink
is balanced on my head,

I am not allowed
to raise my arms at all,

and I have to drink it
without spilling a single drop.

I would ask you
if you're ready...

[scattered cheers]

But I know you're not.

[cheers and applause]

[playful music]

♪♪

[audience clapping]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

But if I really
ripped you off,

I would feel I owed you
a bigger trick.

[playful music]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[music stops]

[cheers and applause]

And it's a fucking good thing
I knew those tricks,

because my life sucked dick.

I was like,
"I need a plan."

And the one thing
I could think of

was how terrified
I was all the time

when I was walking
on my big stilts.

Like, man, if I fall over,
I'm gonna be fucked.

That's it.
[chuckles]

So I called up
these guys I knew

at a skateboard magazine
in California.

I said, "Oh, man, I'm gonna
get on my stilts

and light my whole
stilt costume on fire.

I'm gonna crack open a beer
and pound it

while I tip over

and splat on the concrete."

[cheers and applause]

So these guys from
the skateboard magazine said,

"We will shoot that."
[laughs]

They waited until
I got out there to say,

"Hey, this isn't just for
the skateboarding magazine.

This is for a pilot
for a television show on MTV

called Jackass."

[cheers and applause]

Now when Jackasscame out,

I mean,
I was fucking ready.

The first thing I did
was I moved out to LA,

and when I got there
we jumped on an airplane

and flew to Europe
to go film a special episode

racing cars through
all these countries.

Now, I knew we were gonna
be in the car for five days,

so I challenged my
Jackassbuddy Chris Pontius

to a friendly competition

to see who could ejaculate
the most times

in the car
while it was full of dudes

and driving down
the road.

Those were the rules.

So the race begins
in London, England.

Fireworks go off.

The cars peel out.

Pontius and I
start tugging.

[laughter]

But it was
broad daylight outside,

and our buddies
were wide awake.

We couldn't even
get boners.

But that didn't stop us.

We are yanking on our wet
noodles, just giggling,

"Aah!"

And London's got all those
double-decker buses,

so every one of them
that goes by

everybody on the top deck
is just looking right down.

"Aghh!"

And we just wouldn't quit.

We're literally sweating
profusely, just drenched.

I gave myself an abrasion.

We got to the coast
of England,

drove the car onto a train,

which went underneath
the ocean

and spit us out into France.

Still jacking.

Car jacking.

[laughs]

Nobody was successful
until we got to Belgium,

where it was
the dark of night.

Pontius had fallen asleep
next to me in the backseat.

Johnny Knoxville is asleep
in the passenger seat

in front of me.

The producer dude was awake,

but he's driving,
looking forward.

I had some privacy.

I was able to take myself
on a date.

[chuckles]

And it's working,
and I can feel it,

and there is so much power
behind that load

after all of that tugging
and trying.

When I finally blasted it
into that car window,

it's a wonder I didn't
break the fucking thing.

I mean,
it was like I shot it

with a bunch of paintballs.

Bow-bow-bow-bow!

It was incredible,
and I couldn't believe it.

I just woke up
Johnny Knoxville,

"Dude, Knoxville, get up!

Grab the camera, man.
Film this!"

I wanted him to hurry before
it all drizzled down too far,

you know?

And so Knoxville's
just filming

all this come,

panning across it
while he asks,

"What's that
on the window, Steve-O?"

And when he gets to me,
I go,

"I don't know,"
you know?

So we filmed load after load.

"Pontius, what's that
on your race suit?"

"Beats me,"
you know?

And MTV didn't end up showing

a single one.

[audience boos]

There were eight of them,
by the way, all right?

We were tied
four loads apiece.

But it wasn't long
before I earned myself

a reputation as a guy
who would do fucking anything,

back out of nothing.

But then we were filming
the first movie,

and I'm supposed to shove
a toy car up my ass.

I had put things
in my butt.

Fireworks, chicken, fish.

I would never do that again,
because I'm vegan now.

[chuckles]

But I had never really
popped my butt cherry.

I didn't care.

This idea was so funny,
you know?

"Doc, I don't know,
I drank so much,

and my butt hurts,
like, you know?

I need a..."
[chuckles]

Thing was that I accidentally
told my dad the idea,

and something about
the way he said, "Oh, no--"

He's, like, a super
successful businessman.

I know that's surprising,

but he could handle
a lot of things.

A car up my butt was, like,
over the line.

So I told Johnny Knoxville
and the guys,

"I can't do it.
I gotta back out," you know?

I said, "Instead,
I think I can drink

a whole beer through my nose.

If you make me a beer bong
where the hose

forks into two thinner hoses,

I'll put one in each nostril."

So they made it for me.

I showed up to the set.
I poured the beer into it.

Stuck the hoses in my nose
and...

[snorting]

I'm telling you,
I pounded that beer so fast,

it was amazing,

but none of the other guys
even giggled,

and then Knoxville said,

"That sucked.

Stick it up your ass."

[chuckles]

To which
I immediately replied,

"We already established,

I don't put shit
up my butt!"

Which would have
got me off the hook.

If I left it there,
I would've been free and clear.

But then I foolishly added,

"And it probably
wouldn't work anyway."

[laughs]

But now we gotta
find out if it works,

because we're scientists,
you know?

So I realized
I fucked myself, you know?

Literally.

And they chopped off
the thinner hoses,

so I'm staring down
the barrel

of a dick-thick,
girthy-ass beer bong hose.

And if you think
you know this story

because you saw the butt
chug in the second movie,

I'll remind you,
this was the first.

Nobody saw this.

I started off
by getting

butt-ass
dick and balls naked.

Except I kept my shoes on.

I laid down on the ground
in the public parking lot

we were filming in,

and I took that
beer bong hose

and I just went for it
full force.

It was shocking

how easily
it glided right in.

I wasn't ready
for that, man!

I was mortified
to have my buddies

standing around watch it
go in that easy,

and I was so fucked up
on drugs and alcohol

it did not even occur to me
to pretend to struggle with it.

[chuckles]

No, it goes right in.

And the guys are jazzed now.

You know, they get to pouring
that beer into my butthole

right away.

They're jumping up and down
chanting,

"Chug, chug, chug!"

And right away
I can feel that cold beer

inside my asshole...
as you do.

But nothing's
really happening.

You know, I tense up,
I loosen up,

I wiggle around,

and then I do
all of the above and kick.

Lo and behold,
the level of beer drops.

My asshole took a gulp.

[chuckles]

It was amazing.
The guys are going wild.

This is the greatest thing
they've ever seen,

and I'm--
now I'm wiggling around,

and I'm kicking.

Sure enough,
I get a rhythm going.

Ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum.

My butthole is fucking
guzzling that shit, right?

But I don't know if it was
because I hadn't slept.

For three days,

I had done nothing
but cocaine

and wash it down
with liquor.

For some reason,

as much as this beer's
going in my asshole,

all this murky,
yeasty, cloudy,

brown shit is coming out,
like, right into the hose.

You can see it,

that beer was getting
murkier and murkier.

It was like watching
a Budweiser

turn into a Sam Adams.

[chuckles]

And it was
so fucking disgusting

even my buddies
couldn't take it.

Like, "Chug, chug,"
turned into, "Oh, God, oh!"

And so, like,
they decided it had to stop.

Out comes the beer bong
and they take it away.

I'm laying on the ground
butt-naked, fully loaded,

and I giggle.

[laughs]

'Cause I can feel
what's going on,

and I squeeze.

I'd say I farted,

but my butthole spit...

[chuckles]

This dark,
coffee-looking shit beer.

Looked like my asshole
was chewing tobacco.

[laughs]

[spits]

And I'm laughing,
and like--

but then all of a sudden,
I get this inspiration.

This great idea
comes to me,

and I, like, wiggle up.

I go up into this
crazy yoga pose, right?

Like, I mean, I'm, like,
right up in the air.

My body's curled over

like I'm about
to suck my own dick,

but I didn't.

I shit the rest of that beer
into my own mouth.

[chuckles]

I know!
I know, it's gross!

I drank shit
straight from the tap.

[chuckles]

And I was, "Aah!"
And I drank it.

Yeah, I drank it,
you know, like--

And the most incredible thing

is that it wasn't
in the movie.

I asked the director,
I was like,

"Why wasn't it
in the movie?"

He said,
"Because it was illegal."

[laughs]

Like, I don't understand.
I still don't understand.

But you get the idea, right?

At this point you can see

that I've had my problems.

I'm definitely--
[chuckles]

I'm an alcoholic
and a drug addict,

but I've been clean and sober
for a while now, yeah.

[cheers and applause]

It's actually been
almost eight years.

[cheers and applause]

And...

And I don't know why
you guys would cheer for that,

because I don't even
recommend it, you know?

Right?

If you don't have
to get sober, fuck it.

But I really had to,
because, like,

I've been sober
since Johnny Knoxville

pulled an intervention on me.

And you know you've got
a fucked-up problem

when your interventionist
is Johnny Knoxville.

[chuckles]

Yeah, like...

[laughs]

We have this law
in California, right?

It's called 5150.

It says if you're harmful
to yourself,

they can lock you up
in a psychiatric ward

against your will.

So Knoxville brings, like,
the whole Jackassgang over,

like, the cameraman,
director, director--

all the fucking crew,

and they show up to stop me
from hurting myself

after the motherfuckers
helped me for ten years.

[chuckles]

The intervention that
Knoxville pulled on me

wasn't my first.

It was, like,
my fourth or fifth,

but the thing
about the first ones

is that I hallucinated
all of them.

I swear, I was doing
so much drugs,

a bunch of times
all these people

showed up at my apartment.

I watched them walk in.

Some of them came
right through the wall.

And...

Yeah, they sat me down
to have this serious talk,

and then it turned out
that none of them

had ever been there
at all,

and that's when you know
your problem is really serious,

when your hallucinations
are worried about you.

So I had to get sober,
and I did.

[cheers and applause]
Right.

But then it turned out
that I'm a sex addict too.

[cheering]

[chuckles]

And frankly,
it'd be pretty amazing

if I wasn't a sex addict

with a body like this.

[sensual music]

♪♪

[women cheering]

♪♪

[women cheering]

♪♪

♪♪

[wild cheering]

♪♪

[audience reacts]

[scattered cheers
and applause]

Ladies and gentlemen,
the lovely Vanessa.

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

You kicked my balls so hard,

I got more lemon juice
in my eye.

[chuckles]

I think any guy who's been on
television with any regularity

is a sex addict.

[man]
Yeah!

Yeah, because there are
women out there,

if they've seen you on TV

and then they spot you
in real life,

they turn into
baseball vendors.

"Fresh pussy!"

"Hot taco!"

"Get your beaver!"

They're fucking
slinging that shit.

And they don't care
if you're the guy

from the Subway commercials.

[laughter and applause]

Yeah, I know.

I'm very upset with him.

There's never been a
dorkier-looking motherfucker

on television, period, ever.

And I always knew whether
he was at Subway or not,

he was eating fresh.

[laughs]

[blubbering]

But then he shows up
on the news

because it turns out
he likes it even fresher

than I thought.

So Jackasscame out,

and I was so ready
to mow down beav.

One time, early days,

I was fooling around
with this girl,

and as soon as
she pulled out my wiener,

she got all serious and
she looked at me and said,

"I was in a bad accident."

And I'm thinking,
what the fuck?

And then she says, "Get ready
to have a really good time."

And then she pulled out
her teeth.

[chuckles, audience reacts]

Yeah, yeah.

All of her upper front teeth

were attached
to this retainer thing,

like this.

But was all
of her upper front teeth.

But don't feel bad for me.
[chuckles]

Because when those teeth
came out, it was awesome!

I couldn't wait to tell
Knoxville and the guys.

I was like, "Dudes, that girl
wasn't giving me a hummer.

It was a gummer."
[chuckles]

And they loved
the story so much,

they tracked down
a shark with no teeth

to bite me in the movie,
which is why there's a scene

called
"The Whale Shark Gummer."

Yeah, and I bet you thought
Jackasswas shallow.

So...the third Jackass film,

I was clean and sober
the whole time,

but my sex addiction
was getting a little crazier.

We're promoting the movie
in Texas.

You know where?

Fucking Austin.

[cheers and applause]

And I'm at this event.

I get to talking
to a pretty cute girl.

I tell her, "Man, I'm ready
to get the hell out of here.

You think you could give me
a ride to my hotel?"

And I can tell,
she's down.

She's like, "Yeah."
We leave right away.

We're getting into her car.

Her two friends running
through the parking lot,

"Steve-O, do you want
two more girls?"

Hmm, well, I certainly
didn't want to be rude.

So I get into the car
with three girls.

I'm sitting in the backseat,

panicking.

The whole way to the hotel
I'm just thinking,

"This is the worst
possible time

to be a premature ejaculator."

Because that's me, man.

If a fucking tree falls
in the woods,

you can pretty much bank
on me blowing a load

before it lands.

[chuckles]

And I got a pretty good idea
what's about to go down,

but I can't imagine all
three girls getting a turn.

Any kind of a turn.

I can't imagine all three of
them getting a glimpse

of my dick
without it exploding.

So right away,
I start concentrating.

"Grandma taking a shit."
[chuckles]

I'm so stressed out.

We get back to my hotel.

I open up the door
to my room.

We all walk in.

I get on the bed
with the original girl,

while the two extra girls are
just lurking in the doorway

like bouncers.

The less beautiful extra girl

says to the more beautiful
extra girl...

"So, like, are we here
to cock block

or are we stepping in?"

Exact words.

The more beautiful extra girl
points at the bed and says,

"Get in there and
make yourself useful."

[cheering]

So I'm laying there.

I feel these two hands

lightly tickling their way

up my legs.

They're getting
closer and closer.

I'm thinking,
"Why are you doing that?

Fucking stop!"

I'm starting to think
nobody's gonna get a turn.

Like, the opportunity of
a lifetime is about to vanish

with my boxers
glued to my left leg.

And then
out comes my wiener.

And the less beautiful
extra girl

starts giving me
the toothiest blowjob

you ever heard of.

Aghh-aghh-aghh-aghh!

It was like
a fucking crocodile

was trying to suck my dick.

I looked down, and she's
got it in a death roll.

Gah!

And I'm laying there
thinking, "Fuck yeah!

She's keeping me
in the game!"

[cheers and applause]

It was like Shark Week
on my dick,

and that was
what I needed.

But then it wasn't
her turn anymore.

So now the more beautiful
extra girl,

she starts sucking my wiener,

and she's doing
way too good of a job.

So I freaked out
and I shoved her off.

"Aah!"

As quick as I could,
I got my dick

back into the jaws of hell.

Gah-aah-aah-aah!

I was so thankful

for having
an ugly-ass girl

chewing on my schlong.

It was a miracle.
All three girls got a turn.

So now the original girl,
she takes over,

and, like, I can't
hold out anymore.

So I just said it,

"I'm gonna come!"

But I didn't say it
like that.

I said,

"Aghh-aah-aah!"

Because you gotta
say something.

If you don't say anything,
that is rude.

I will tell you why it is
so important to alert a lady.

Because one time I blew
a load into a girl's mouth

with no warning at all.

Not even a courtesy grunt.

[laughs]

And she held it in her mouth.

She came back up
and went to give me a kiss.

[audience groans]

And she fucking spit
that shit into mymouth!

[cheers and applause]

And I swallowed it!

No, I did not.

That was a lie.

I did not swallow it.

That was when I found out
I'm a spitter.

[spitting]

But it was in there
long enough

for me to know
what it tastes like.

It tastes like shame.

[laughs]

That mouthful of my own come

was the second worst thing
that ever happened to me

during an intimate encounter,

and I will tell you
the first.

I brought a stripper home
from the titty bar.

Came up with the genius idea
to eat her pussy.

[audience groans]
[man] Yeah!

I got down there
and I could tell

she had been working
very hard that night.

[audience groans, laughs]

Maybe even squeezed in
an hour of hot yoga.

[chuckles]

I felt like I was making out

with a pile
of sweaty nickels.

[audience groans, laughs]

It was like
I was using my tongue

to scrape mold out of
a broken refrigerator.

[audience groans]

But that's not
what made it so bad.

There I was licking
her sweaty, stinky pussy,

and she farted.
[chuckles]

[audience reacts]

I swear, and that fart
did not sound like,

"Poot."

That fucking fart
sounded like,

"Ssss."

It was a fucking steamer.

I could feel the heat.

And as soon as it was over,

I never looked her
in the eye ever again.

Not any eye, you know?

Buttholes.

Real quick, let's talk
about ass fucking.

[chuckles]

I never understood
the philosophy

of sticking your dick
up someone's ass,

but one night...

[laughs]

I was like, you know,
with a lady,

feeling adventurous.

I lubed up my finger
with some spit.

[chuckles]

I worked it
into her butthole,

and would you believe it,

I found a terrorist
in the cave.

Something was poking back.

It was a piece of shit.

Totally loaded chamber.

The train had not
left the station.

Now I'm older,

and at a certain point
it seems like

running around trying
to scam on chicks

becomes kinda pathetic,
you know?

I decided if I'm gonna
be happy in my life,

I need to learn how to be
in a healthy relationship.

All right, how many of
you guys are in relationships?

[cheers and applause]

All right.

- You guys got kids?
- No.

Yeah, fuck that, right?

[laughter and cheering]

I've always been pretty sure
that having kids isn't for me.

[chuckles]

One time I was getting
super drunk

with the incredibly
beautiful, amazing

Kat Von D.

[cheers and applause]

We were cracking up over
how dumb we think it is

to throw your life away like
that, you know, by having kids.

So I said, "Wouldn't it be
funny if I got a tattoo

of a baby with a circle

and a slash
going through it?"

Like a "no babies" sign.

We thought it was funny,
but we just kept drinking.

We're on South Beach
doing shots.

All of a sudden the idea
turns into a tattoo that says,

"Fuck babies."

[chuckles]

And that is funny.

But we just kept drinking,

obviously way too much,

because we wound up at
the Miami Ink tattoo parlor

where I got a tattoo
of a guy fucking a baby.

[audience groans]

I know,
it was really upsetting,

because those artists
were so skilled.

[chuckles]

There was no mistaking

what was going on
in that picture.

Down to the tears flying out
of the baby's eyes.

[audience groans]

And as soon as I got done

getting my
baby-fucking tattoo,

I stepped outside.

The first people
coming down the sidewalk,

all excited to see me.

I said,
"Check out my new tattoo."

And even as drunk
as I was,

the look of fucking horror
on their faces

told me I made
a big mistake.

I couldn't live with it.

It wasn't long before
I showed up at another parlor,

and I said,
"Give me that thing."

I took the tattoo gun myself

and I drilled over that baby

until I turned it into
a mysterious black blob.

And then I showed it to my
Jackassbuddy Bam.

He took one look at it,
he said,

"You should turn that blob
into an ostrich."

[chuckles]

[laughter and applause]

When your cover-up tattoo

is a guy fucking an ostrich,

that's when you know
you started off

with something
pretty rotten, you know?

But I don't even have
to think about having kids

if I can't be
in a healthy relationship.

So one day I decided, man,
you know what?

It's time to get to work
on becoming the man

that the love
of my life deserves,

and I started
by promising myself

when I'm on the road
from here on out,

no more fooling around
with random chicks.

[scattered laughter]

[woman]
Aww.

[laughter]

[man]
Yeah!

But everywhere I went,
something popped up.

And it got really hard,
you know,

to, like, turn down
opportunities.

Like the first trip
I went on, Toronto,

and there I was
just minding my own business

in the titty bar...

[chuckles]

And this beautiful little
19-year-old stripper

with huge real boobs just
comes beelining it for me,

and she sticks her perfect
little tushy right in my face.

And when I look at it
I can see she's got

my autograph tattooed
on her butt cheek.

[man]
Yeah!

And it's not easy
to turn down a piece of ass

with your name on it.

Everywhere I went, I broke
my promise it seemed like,

until it got to a point
where I was like,

"I have a problem," and I
started seeing a sex therapist.

I asked him to help me
change my ways,

and he says, "Okay, on your
next trip to Mississippi

with the big show
in the casino,

as soon as it's over,
go back to your hotel room

by yourself and call me up
to check in."

So that's what I did.

I did the show,
back to my room,

and I called him up,
and I said,

"Hey, man, thank you so much
for being there for me."

And then I hung up the phone
and left.

[laughs]

You know when
you're on a diet,

all you can think about
is food?

It was like I turned into
a werewolf on the prowl

for a fur burger.

I went back down
to the casino,

I was, "Aghh-aah-aah!"

Stalking prey.

But all I saw was just
disgusting-looking people

smoking cigarettes
on slot machines.

"Aah, aah, gah-gah!"

And I'm like,
"This isn't gonna work."

So I went back up
to my hotel room

and I got on Twitter.

I'm thinking there's got
to be a female in the area

who just sent me a message

saying that she wants
to hook up right now,

and there was totally
a message like that.

But it came from somebody
who had no profile picture.

Just a fucking egg.

And you know
you might be a sex addict

when you invite that fucking
person to your hotel room,

which is what I did.

I sent a private message
with my room number.

It said, "Come on over."

[laughs]

As soon as I hit send,
I was like,

"What the fuck
did I just do?

What did I just order
to my room?"

Sure enough,
a little while later...

I'm hiding behind the bed,
holding my breath,

thinking if I just
pretend I'm not here,

that person will leave.

But I was way too curious
to do that.

So I tiptoe over.

When I look through
the peephole I'm like,

"No way!
She's not that bad!"

I mean, she wasn't
exactly good.

[chuckles]

But at this point,
I don't care.

I open up the door,
I was like,

"Come on in.
This is great.

Maybe we'll watch
a movie."

So we get on the bed and
I ask her, "What do you do?"

She says,
"I'm a webcam whore."

Part of me's thinking,
"This is terrible.

What am I doing?"

And the other part
of me's thinking,

"Webcam whore.
Cool.

This'll be a slam dunk."

So I get confident

and right away
I start stroking her hair,

but she wants to keep talking
about being a webcam whore.

And it gets really creepy
when she says,

"Guys can be pretty mean,

'cause when
I take off my top,

I have horrible scars
all over my boobs

from a botched boob job."

Part of me's thinking,

"All bad!
Abort mission!"

But the other part
of me's thinking,

"I am a premature ejaculator,

and those scars
could help a lot.

So let's just see how fucked up
these tits really are.

Maybe I'll last longer."

And that's what happened.
[chuckles]

But it was incomprehensibly
demoralizing.

Here I was doing exactly
what I promised myself

over and over and over
that I wouldn't do,

and now I'm doing it
with Frankentits.

[laughs]

Like, how low can I go?

So I go back home
to my sex therapist,

tell him what happened,
and he says,

"Man, it's really clear, you
need to become sexually sober,

and it's important
that you start

with a period of abstinence,
total celibacy,

which means you don't
even jack off."

Yeah, shit just got real.
[chuckles]

Like, you don't even
jack off?

I love jacking off!

I got a crooked-ass dick
to prove it.

Right?

I think it's natural for guys
to have crooked dicks,

but women don't necessarily
understand why.

A lot of guys are thinking,
"Shut the fuck up, Steve-O!

Fucking drop that shit."

But I'm gonna tell you,
ladies,

because I'm right-handed,

my dick always looks
like it's impatiently waiting

for a bus that's coming
from that direction.

[laughter and applause]

It's on that angle
right there.

It's because I love
jacking off,

and I got this guy
telling me I gotta stop.

He says, "Let's just try
30 days, no masturbating."

And I'm like, "Man, I want
to have a good life."

So I gave it hell.

When I got to three days,

if you think quitting
cigarettes or drugs

makes people grumpy--
[laughs]

When I got to seven days,
I could not be trusted

with a laptop computer
for any reason at all.

Then there I was
on day 11,

alone in the bathtub.

Just washing up.

And the line between
hygiene and romance

got a little bit blurry.

Turned out I accidentally
seduced myself.

[moaning]

And when I blew
that 11-day load, aah,

I felt like I was having
a fucking heart attack, man!

Fucking water's
flying everywhere.

I glued my own eyes shut.

Aah!

And it was amazing, man.

Eleven days, wow.

But I was devastated.

I broke my promise again!

And now I'm in despair.
I think there's no hope for me.

I got ambitious, man.

I said, "You know what,
I'm gonna go for a whole year.

No fooling around,
no jacking off.

No nuttin'.

Not one nut
for a whole year."

And when Johnny Knoxville found
out about this little plan,

he was concerned to the point
of fucking furious.

He says, "You trying
to get prostate cancer?"

And I was like,
"Dude, Knoxville, man,

I'm putting sure
if jacking off

was the cure
for prostate cancer,

like, nobody would have it."

[chuckles]

We would've never heard of it.

I wasn't worried
about prostate cancer,

but you're probably thinking,

"But why would you go
for a whole year

without blowing a load?"

And it was so simple to me.

I was like, "Because
when it's time for me

to be with that
special woman,

she deserves to know
that I could go that long."

And I'm thinking,
"When it's time for me

to be with that woman,

she better wear
a fucking poncho, man!"

It'll look like a fucking
Nickelodeon awards show, man!

Like, "Aah, aah, aah!"

Either that or a humungous
marshmallow will fall out.

But one way or another,

we are talking
Ghostbusters,man.

But how am I
gonna stay on the path

with all these beautiful
women coming to see me?

I did the only thing
I could.

I hired a professional
cock blocker.

Where are you at,
Scott Randolph?

Yeah, man!

Yeah!

How many of you guys
know this dude?

[cheers and applause]

All right.

Scott and I have been
traveling together

for, like, two years now,
which begs the question:

Did you pull it or
did you didn't pull it?

[laughs]

I pulled it off.
I mean, I didn't, you know?

I went a whole year,
you know.

In hindsight
all I really accomplished

was I was exceptionally
grumpy and mean for a year.

You know?

So now I am
a dog and cat rescuing,

meditating,
hybrid driving,

clean and sober,
vegan...

[cheers and applause]

Who is adamant

about not getting
his dick sucked.

[cheers and applause]

So...

Here's what's gonna happen,

and it's gonna be
super fucked up, okay?

I don't want you guys thinking
I've turned into a total pussy.

This is where we make
television history.

[laughing]
Okay?

[cheers and applause]

[percussive music]

♪♪

Let me introduce, again,

top UFC fighter,

American Army Ranger

and sniper, Tim Kennedy.

[cheers and applause]

Epic television producer,

Sam Macaroni.

[cheers and applause]

My professional cock blocker,

who I bring on tour with me
everywhere I go,

so don't even
try it, ladies!

That man will take a fucking
bullet for this dick.

All right,
let's see the device.

That's the device, okay.

It doesn't look that bad.

Oh, God.

That device is gonna
shoot darts out of it,

and the darts
are connected to wires.

Through the wires
will go 50,000 volts.

Tim Kennedy, can you explain
how this thing works?

Uh, electricity.

It--it sucks.

So police officers,
when they're like,

"Get on the ground
or I'm gonna shoot you,"

and they shoot you,
that's for five seconds.

This is 30 seconds.

[audience reacts]

While that happens,
Sam Macaroni...

We're gonna see how many
questions he can answer

in 30 seconds while
being electrocuted!

[cheers and applause]

All right, do you have
the proper distance, Tim?

Do you feel okay?

[cheering]
No.

Okay, great!
That's awesome!

Three, two, one.

[screams]

[audience reacts]

What's your name?

Steve-O.

Are you a fucking badass?

Yes, yes, yes.

How big is your dick?

Big.
No, not big.

How big is Tim's dick?

I don't know.

Where are we right now?

Austin.

[cheers and applause]

[cheering]

[cheering]

Oh, my God.

Steve-O, do you love
these fucking people?

[cheers and applause]

Do you people
love Steve-O?

[cheers and applause]

Austin, I love you!

Thank you so much!

[cheers and applause]

[driving rock music]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[electricity humming]