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[BELLS RINGING]
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[ENGINE REVS]
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[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
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TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]
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>> � IF THE LORD
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WERE ALIVE TODAY
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WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE HIM
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THIS CHRISTMAS?
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WHAT DO YOU GIVE SOMEONE
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WHO HAS EVERYTHING AND MORE? �
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>> � HE CAN HEAL THE SICK
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SO DON'T GIVE HIM THE LAST RITES
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HE CAN WALK ON WATER
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DON'T GIVE HIM OUR SUPPORT �
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>> � EVERY TIME YOU HEAR A BELL
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AN ANGEL BURNS IN HELL �
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>> � IF THE LORD
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WERE ALIVE TODAY
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WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE HIM
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THIS CHRISTMAS?
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GIVE HIM A $20 GIFT CERTIFICATE
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AT PIZZA JOE'S �
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>> MERRY CRUSTMAS
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FROM PIZZA JOE'S.
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HO HO HO.
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>> AND NOW BACK TO THE JOYOUS
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SOUNDS OF CHRISTMAS.
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[MUSIC PLAYING]
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>> � ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
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IS MY TWO FRONT EYES
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ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS... �
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>> OREL, MOVE!
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>> OREL, FOR GOODNESS SAKE,
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DO WHATEVER HE WANTS
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SO HE WON'T SCREAM ANYMORE.
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>> BUT, MOM, I'M ALL
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THE WAY OVER.
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>> PRAISE THE LORD, WE'RE HERE.
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>> � ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
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IS MY TWO FRONT EYES
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BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN
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A GOOD ENOUGH BOY �
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>> I'D LIKE TO WISH A VERY
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SPECIAL FIRST MERRY CHRISTMAS TO
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OUR JEWS FOR JESUS FRIENDS.
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YOU KNOW, DURING THIS JOYOUS
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SEASON, IT IS EASY TO FORGET THE
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TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS.
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WHAT CHRISTMAS IS REALLY ABOUT
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IS THE BIRTH OF THAT CUTE LITTLE
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BABY WHO WOULD GROW UP TO DIE
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AN UNBELIEVABLY HORRIBLE DEATH
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FOR OUR SINS.
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YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT.
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>> JESUS.
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>> OUR SAVIOR, BORN FROM AN
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ATTRACTIVE VIRGIN NAMED MARY.
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JESUS WAS AN UNPLANNED BIRTH
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THAT REALLY MADE A NAME
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FOR ITSELF.
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LIKE, IF JOSEPH REFUSED TO LET
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THE BABY GROW WITHIN MARY,
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WHO KNOWS WHAT THIS BUILDING
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WOULD BE RIGHT NOW.
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MAYBE EVEN A SYNAGOGUE.
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>> [COLLECTIVE GASP]
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>> BUT BECAUSE JOSEPH HAD THE
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MORAL GOODNESS TO RAISE THE
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SURPRISE, WE ARE SAFE AND WARM
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HERE IN A PROTESTANT CHURCH.
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AMEN AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHURCHY.
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REVEREND PUTTY?
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>> YES, OREL?
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>> I AGREE WITH YOU THAT IT WAS
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GOOD THAT THEY DIDN'T KILL THE
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BABY JESUS BEFORE HE WAS BORN.
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>> OH, YOU THINK SO, CAPTAIN?
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>> UH-HUH, BUT IT'S STILL TOO
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BAD THAT GROWNUP JESUS HAD TO
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DIE EVEN THOUGH HE WASN'T
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AS CUTE.
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>> OH, HE'LL BE BACK.
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>> REALLY?
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>> YEP.
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IN FACT, HE MAY ALREADY BE HERE.
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THERE MIGHT BE A LITTLE CHILD
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RIGHT NOW RUNNING AROUND
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SOMEWHERE WHO'S THE
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SECOND COMING.
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>> COOL.
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THE SECOND COMING.
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>> BUT THIS TIME,
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HE WON'T BE AS NICE.
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>> HEY, OREL, MOVE!
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>> SORRY, SHAPE!
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BYE, REVEREND!
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MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, OREL.
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>> MM-HMM.
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THERE WE GO.
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>> ONE LAST TOUCH.
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>> CAN I THIS YEAR, DAD?
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>> HMM?
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WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE
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OLD ENOUGH.
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>> [SNIFFS]
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MMM.
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IT SMELLS LIKE A WHOLE FOREST OF
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LEMONS AND HAIRSPRAY.
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>> [SNIFFS]
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MMM.
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THAT IT DOES.
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OK, TIME FOR BED, BOYS.
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SANTA'S COMING SOON, AND HE
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KNOWS KIDS WHO STAY UP LATE
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ARE JERKS.
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>> NO!
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>> OREL, TEND TO YOUR BROTHER.
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>> AND TRY TO KEEP HIM QUIET
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OR HE'LL WAKE THE NEIGHBORS.
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>> YES, MOM.
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>> GOOD NIGHT.
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>> GOOD NIGHT.
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>> NO!
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AAH!
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>> ARE YOU DECENT?
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>> HOLD ON.
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OK.
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>> WELL, THAT WAS A MORTIFYING
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SERMON TODAY.
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>> OH, COME ON.
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CAN'T WE HAVE ONE GOOD NIGHT?
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>> YOU KNOW THE REVEREND WAS
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REFERRING TO YOU NOT
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WANTING SHAPEY.
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>> THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
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HOW WOULD HE EVEN KNOW?
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>> DON'T BE AN IDIOT.
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EVERYONE KNOWS YOU
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DIDN'T WANT HIM.
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>> YEAH, WELL, I HAD MY REASONS.
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I THINK IT'S KINDA STRANGE THAT
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I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER CONCEIVING
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THIS KID.
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>> PLEASE, WHEN DO YOU EVER
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REMEMBER?
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>> ALL I DO IS TRY TO FORGET.
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AT LEAST YOU KNOW HE'S YOURS.
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>> PLEASE, GOD, LET THIS BE THE
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BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.
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AMEN.
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OH, AND IF JESUS IS ALREADY BACK
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HERE ON EARTH, PLEASE TELL HIM
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TO COME BY SO I CAN MEET HIM.
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I'M SURE YOU KNOW HE'S BEEN MY
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PERSONAL HERO FOR YEARS NOW.
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AMEN AGAIN.
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GOSH, IF JESUS IS AROUND AND
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NOBODY KNOWS IT, HE'LL BE ALL
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ALONE ON HIS BIRTHDAY AND THAT'S
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JUST NOT RIGHT.
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OH, I BETTER GO ASK DAD, SEE
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WHAT HE THINKS I SHOULD DO.
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>> HOW DID WE EVEN GET HERE?
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>> LOOK, JUST GET OVER IT.
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>> HOW CAN I GET OVER IT.
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I NEVER ASKED FOR A SECOND
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CHILD, AND THEN BOOM, SHAPEY
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MAGICALLY APPEARS.
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EXPLAIN THAT.
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>> SHAPEY!
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>> BUT THIS TIME,
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HE WON'T BE AS NICE.
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>> BEHOLD, THE SECOND COMING
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OF OUR LORD.
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HALLELUJAH!
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>> AH, HE DOESN'T EVEN LOOK
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ANYTHING LIKE ME.
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WHO'S BEEN INSIDE YOU?!
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>> YOU ARE DISGUSTING.
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I WANT A DIVORCE.
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>> FINE.
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I'M GONE.
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LIVE IT UP, BABY!
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[SLAM]
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>> GOLLY, THIS IS GOING TO BE
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THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.
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>> AAH!
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>> YAY!
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CHRISTMAS MORNING!
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MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY
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BIRTHDAY, FIRST JESUS, AND
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THANKS FOR MAKING MY LITTLE
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BROTHER THE SECOND YOU.
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MOM, DAD, IT'S THE BEST
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CHRISTMAS EVER!
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I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT
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TO TELL YOU.
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[KNOCKING]
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HEY, OPEN UP.
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YOU HAVE TO HEAR THE GOOD NEWS.
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OH, WELL, I GUESS IT CAN WAIT.
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� I SHALL DRUM FOR YOU �
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� DRUM, DRUMMY DRUM �
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>> SHUT UP!
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>> YES, LORD.
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OW!
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OH.
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>> HA HA HA!
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>> THANK YOU, SAVIOR.
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WHAT'S THE NEW PLAN?
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>> PRESENT, PRESENT, PRESENT!
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>> MAYBE YOU SHOULD PUT ON
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SOME...
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LEAD THE WAY, LORD, I FOLLOW.
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� IF THE LORD WERE ALIVE
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TODAY... �
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>> AAH!
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>> WHAT'S THE MATTER, MASTER?
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>> NO PRESENTS.
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>> OH, WELL, MOM AND DAD AREN'T
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UP YET, SO...
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HMM...
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IF THE LORD WERE ALIVE TODAY,
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WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE HIM
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AT CHRISTMAS?
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COME ON, LORD, GET DRESSED.
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I'LL GET YOU A PRESENT.
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>> AH!
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AH!
232
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AH!
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NO!
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>> OK, OK, CHRIST CHILD, JUST
235
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WAIT OUT HERE.
236
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[MUSIC PLAYING]
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>> YAY, SWING.
238
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YAY!
239
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YAY!
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>> SHAPEY?
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>> [HUMMING]
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>> LOOK, SHAPEY, I--
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THE APOCALYPSE BEGINS.
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YAY!
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>> STUPID PEOPLE!
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>> THE CHRIST HAS SPOKEN.
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TAKE THAT, HEATHEN.
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>> MRS. PUFFINGTON,
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REVEREND PUTTY HERE.
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MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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SPEAKING OF CHRISTMAS...
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>> WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
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>> HA HA!
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MOM, GUESS WHAT!
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DAD ISN'T SHAPEY'S FATHER.
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>> I KNOW THAT, OREL.
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>> THEN YOU FIGURED IT OUT.
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OUR SHAPEY, THE SECOND SON
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OF GOD.
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>> HUH.
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I WISH GOD WAS HIS FATHER.
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>> UH, WHERE'S DAD?
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>> HE LEFT HOME.
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WE'RE SPLITTING UP.
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>> BUT IT'S CHRISTMAS.
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WE CAN'T SPEND IT WITHOUT HIM.
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>> THEN I SUGGEST YOU GO FIND
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YOUR PRECIOUS FATHER AND THE TWO
269
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:31,536
OF YOU SPEND CHRISTMAS TOGETHER.
270
00:09:31,604 --> 00:09:33,005
[CAR DRIVES OFF]
271
00:09:37,643 --> 00:09:38,310
>> � IF THE LORD
272
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:39,712
WERE ALIVE TODAY
273
00:09:39,879 --> 00:09:40,512
WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE HIM
274
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:41,980
THIS CHRISTMAS?
275
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:43,648
WHAT WILL YOU GIVE SOMEONE
276
00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:46,251
WHO HAS EVERYTHING AND MORE?
277
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:48,153
HE CAN HEAL THE SICK
278
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:48,987
AND MORE... �
279
00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:50,555
>> OH, CHEER UP, CLAY.
280
00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:52,324
YOU'VE GOT A GREAT FAMILY,
281
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:53,658
YOU'RE AN INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE
282
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,160
GUY, AND YOUR WIFE IS
283
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:56,929
AUTOMATICALLY SEXY BY
284
00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:58,063
ASSOCIATION.
285
00:09:58,131 --> 00:09:59,364
AND OREL IS ONE OF THE BEST
286
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,265
LONG-DISTANCE RUNNERS
287
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,333
ON MY TEAM.
288
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:02,801
WHO CARES IF YOUR SECOND KID
289
00:10:02,968 --> 00:10:03,936
WAS A MISTAKE AND WON'T LET
290
00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:06,171
HIMSELF BE WEANED.
291
00:10:06,239 --> 00:10:07,772
AT LEAST HE'S CUTE.
292
00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:08,873
>> YEAH, YEAH.
293
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:09,808
>> DON'T WORRY.
294
00:10:09,975 --> 00:10:10,875
SHE'LL NEVER GO THROUGH
295
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,377
WITH THE DIVORCE.
296
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:13,612
>> THANKS, DANIEL.
297
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:14,847
SOMETIMES I WISH I COULD PUT
298
00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:16,648
YOUR BRAIN IN MY WIFE'S HEAD.
299
00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:18,517
>> HA HA.
300
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,919
MERRY CHRISTMAS, CLAY.
301
00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:22,521
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS.
302
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,322
>> � WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE HIM
303
00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:25,758
THIS CHRISTMAS?
304
00:10:25,925 --> 00:10:28,260
GIVE HIM A $20 GIFT CERTIFICATE
305
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:29,261
FROM PIZZA JOE'S
306
00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:33,832
MM-MM �
307
00:10:33,999 --> 00:10:37,202
>> BOY, GOD, THIS SURE DIDN'T
308
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,637
TURN OUT TO BE THE BEST
309
00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:41,373
CHRISTMAS EVER.
310
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:42,641
BUT YOU STILL HAVE TWO MINUTES
311
00:10:42,808 --> 00:10:47,146
LEFT, AND I HAVE FAITH IN YOU.
312
00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:55,620
[WIND BLOWS]
313
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:56,521
[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
314
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:59,524
TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]
315
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:00,158
[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
316
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:00,825
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
317
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:02,728
--www.ncicap.org--]22743
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