All language subtitles for The.Soul.Man.S04E12.Busting.Boyce.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BurCyg_track3_[eng]

Not everybody loves a party.

Take Moses.

Now, while he was out
picking up the ten commandments,

Mount Sinai was going up
on a Tuesday.

And just as things
were really jumping,

the Israelites looked up,
and there'’s Moses.

Okay, now you know how mad
your dad would be

if he came home
and caught you raising the roof.

Now imagine,
instead of finding a bong,

he found you carved a new god.

Ooh!

Boyce, you need to stay
out of the sanctuary

until Sunday.

We'’re having
the carpets cleaned.

It takes four days
to clean the carpet?

- Who'’s doing it?
- A new company.

Well, why aren'’t we
using Carpet Genie?

Uh, they--they closed.

I just heard their commercial
on the drive in.

♪ Carpet Genie,
keep your carpets clean-y ♪

Just stay
out of the damn sanctuary.

Okay.
Stay out of the sanctuary.

Uh, seems like
some people

might be planning
a little surprise

for my fifth anniversary
as pastor.

Boyce, ain'’t nobody
thinking about you!

The carpet'’s dirty.

Boyce, don'’t go
in the sanctuary.

There'’s a snake loose in there.

Okay, so now
it'’s a snake.

He knows what'’s
going on, Uncle Barton.

Well, play along anyway.

Pastor'’s anniversary
is a big deal for the church.

On my fifth anniversary,
we threw a huge party

and raised enough money
to build a church

in El Salvador.

You built a church
in El Salvador?

No, we spent the money
on air conditioning.

But that'’s
how much we raised.

All right, all right.I'’m in.

Let'’s raise the money
for the church.

Just stay out of the sanctuary.

- Hey, y'’all.
- Hey, babe.

Baby...
[laughs]

You know those Gucci loafers
you have in every color

but red?

- Taste the rainbow!
- Oh!

Whoo!

Those look expensive.

Well I'’m sure
if Lolli bought '’em,

they were on sale.

They were for sale.

Hey, babe,
you know what?

I can wear these
to my anniversary party.

[gasps]
Anniversary party!

Boyce, that is great.

Girl, you know I haven'’t
thrown a party

since Boyce'’s birthday
two years ago.

I mean, it'’s my thing.
It'’s what I do.

My first, middle,
and last name should be "party."

Party Party Party?

Is somebody calling me?

Boyce, uh-uh.

You'’re not supposed to be
in here.

You don'’t want to ruin
the surprise.

I'’m not gonna ruin
the surprise.

I'’m just gonna move the surprise
to earlier--like now.

Babe, y-you can'’t.

I mean,
everybody is so excited.

They'’ve been talking
about this for weeks.

So you know what it is.

Boyce, they didn'’t tell me!
They know I can'’t hold water.

Come on, Lolli.

Take a peek for me,

and tell me
if I'’m gonna like it, come on.

[sighing]
Okay, babe.

[gasps]

What?
How bad is it?

This bad.

Wh-who--
who is this?

Babe, that'’s supposed
to be you.

[soul music]

♪

♪ Hey

♪ The soul man

That statue was horrible.

I can'’t stand the thought
that when I'’m gone,

people will remember me
like this.

How am I supposed
to act happy

when they pull the sheet
off that thing?

Boyce, it'’s easy.
Just fake it.

"Ooh, a waffle iron.
I love it!"

You still mad
about that waffle iron?

It'’s been 12 years.

It was Valentine'’s Day!

Hey, guys.
Good news.

I found a DJ
for the party.

Oh, good, Stamps.
Who is it?

Well, his name is
DJ EXXtreem with two Xs.

The Xs are capitalized
and the two Es are together

with e-e-m
and no E on the end.

Well, is he good?

Yeah, he'’s fantastic.
Pricey but fantastic.

[both]
Is he you?

That was gonna be
a surprise, but yes.

Oh, no. Mm-mm.

Stamps, I am killing myself

trying to make
this party perfect, okay?

I want a pro,

somebody with lights
and a sound system,

the whole shebang!

I don'’t want somebody
pulling out their iPod,

yelling, "Are there any
party people in the house?"

A good DJ needs
to know whether or not

the house
contains party people.

Nikki, this is gonna
be so exciting--

you and me,
planning this party together.

Aw, absolutely.

I ran some numbers, and we can
get the Moose Lodge banquet hall

and stay right on budget.

Uh-huh.

The Moose Lodge--
it'’s--it'’s good.

It'’s--it'’s good.Um...

Or there'’s the Ritz-Carlton,

which is actually good.

The Ritz-Carlton?
Lolli, this is expensive.

Oh, girl.
Who'’s to say what'’s expensive?

Me.
I'’m the church treasurer.

This is expensive.

Hello?

Hello?

Anyone here?

Ah! Ah!

Well, there you are,
my hideous friend.

You sure are
perched precariously

upon your little pedestal.

It would be a shame
if you had an accident.

[yawns]

Whoops.

- Pastor?
- [yelps]

Uh, Lester.
[stutters]

Man, I am glad you'’re here.

- What happened?
- Oh, uh...

Everybody came.

Look, guys,
I was in my office,

and I heard a noise.

So I came out,
and it was some guy,

and he'’s just running around,
just pushing stuff.

He had all the pews, and--

and I said, "Hey!
You stop that, jerk!"

And, uh, next thing you know,
this beautiful statue

just smashed up
broken on the floor.

You did it,
didn'’t you, Pastor?

Man, I couldn'’t help it.

That statue had me
looking like

a constipated Charles Barkley.

It was "turrible."

No--no, you know what?
We'’re "turrible."

We have insulted you
with our lowly gift.

Lester, come on, now.
You know it'’s not like that.

- I just--
- No, no!

We screwed up.
You'’re a man with fancy tastes.

Designer suits.

We were crazy
to think that we could get

something nice
for a man like you

with our humble,
peasant tastes.

We should'’ve known better.

[crying]
Happy fifth anniversary, Pastor.

Lester.
Lester, come back here, man.

Come on, now.

Mr. Earl?

You not gonna clean this up?

Oh, oh, okay.

Remember you just requested
a riding lawn mower.

The whole congregation chipped
in to get you that statue.

They'’re all calling you
an ungrateful snob.

That'’s ridiculous.
I'’m not a snob.

What'’s that you'’re putting
in your coffee?

Sugar.

Unrefined artisanal sugar,
imported from Madagascar.

You know where I get
my sugar from?

7-Eleven.

I use $15 sugar.So what?

$15?

My slacks didn'’t cost $15.

That'’s because you
bought your slacks in 1975,

when they still
called them slacks.

All I'’m saying is,
a humble pastor

shouldn'’t be using
$15 sugar.

His sugar cost $15?

Good God.

What else you putting in there?
Kangaroo milk?

It'’s almond milk.

Oh. Almond milk.

I'’m lactose intolerant.

Mm-hmm. You hear that?
Rich people problems.

Look who'’s too good to fart.

Boyce, will you please
talk to Nikki

and tell her that a party
is not a party

without an ice sculpture
martini fountain?

It costs $1,000.

$1,000?

What is that, Pastor?
Two pairs of socks?

You know what?Great.

So what,
now everybody hates me?

Boyce, don'’t worry about it,
okay?

They'’re gonna forget
all about this

when they see how fantastic
this party is.

There'’s gonna be 400 people
having the time of their lives.

Well, I don'’t know about 400.

I'’m looking at the RSVPs
right now.

What?
How many do we have?

Seven.

Looks like you'’re not
super popular right now, Boyce.

Seven?
I can'’t believe these people.

I spent five years
giving of myself--

marrying them, burying them,
listening to their problems.

And when I get up
in the middle of the night

to answer their calls,
do I complain?

Hell yeah.

But they don'’t know that.

Seven people.

Maybe the people
just haven'’t RSVP'’d yet.

Well, I know I haven'’t,
but then again, I'’m a maybe.

Yo, Boyce,
Pop just told me

about the anniversary party
crapping out.

Yeah.
It'’s been a tough one, man.

Yeah, this may be
an awkward time to bring it up,

but, even if
you don'’t have a party,

you still gotta pay the DJ.

- What?
- We have a signed contract.

- No, we don'’t.
- We have a verbal contract.

We don'’t have
one of those either.

All right, man, look.

The point is,
I didn'’t take any other gigs

because I was holding the day
for you.

Yeah, and I was holding the date
for him,

so it'’s like
a whole domino effect.

Curtis, what are you
even doing here?

I'’m his hype man.
Whoo!

Boyce,
I got great news.

The party is back on!

Yes! [imitates record scratch]
Getting paid!

Babe, you gotta be
kidding me.

Nope.
Every table sold out.

[laughs]
That'’s fantastic.

I don'’t even know
what I was worried about.

I knew everybody loved me.

Well, I had to, uh,
tweak the concept just a little.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome

to the first annual roast
of Pastor Boyce Ballentine.

What? What?

Okay, wh-what'’s going on?

Now, everybody,
take off your gloves

and take out your knives.
[laughs]

Lester, he'’s all yours.

A roast? Really?

You think
that statue was ugly,

wait till you hear
what I gotta say.

When they asked me to roast
our humble pastor,

I said I would
never roast Barton.

And then they told me
it was Boyce, and I said,

"I thought you said
'’our humble pastor.'’"

[laughter]

Oh, oh, I will roast Boyce.

I will roast him
like a gas station hot dog.

[laughter]

Really, Lolli?

I filled the room, didn'’t I?

You might as well have just
let '’em throw baseballs

at my head.

That did come up.

But let'’s be honest.

The Reverend Ballentine
is a good man.

But he just so bougie
that he got

white people problems.

Ooh, I'’m lactose intolerant.

[laughter]

Uh, honey, the maid shrunk

my Fleetwood MacT-shirt.

[laughter]

[Valley girl accent]
Oh, OMG.

Why is Starbucks so far away?

You do say that!
You do say that.

Mmm, but he is a good pastor.

- Let'’s be honest.
[all] Mm-hmm.

He makes me believe
in the power of prayer.

I mean, look at Pastor'’s wife.

A man like you
don'’t get a woman like that

without a lot of help from God.

[laughter]

Unless you are a hostage.

Lolli, blink twice
if you need help.

[laughing]

Oh!

Pastor Ballentine'’s sermons
renew my faith.

[all]
Mmm.

Because after 15 minutes
of listening to him,

I'’m begging the Lord to take me.
[laughs]

[laughter]

Pastor is so boring,

one time,
he was doing a funeral,

and the dead guy reached up
and closed his casket.

[laughter]

I got nothing but respect
for Pastor Ballentine.

The man changed my life.
He got me out of jail.

All right,
now here we go, see?

That'’s my man Curtis
right there. Let'’s go.

But I gotta say,
sometimes when I'’m sitting

through one of his long sermons,
I start thinking

prison wasn'’t so bad.

[laughter]

And I got shanked.

[all]
Oh.

Like all of you,
I'’m here to roast Boyce.

But I'’m also here
to prove to Boyce

that I'’m a real DJ
by doing what real DJs do--

not play any of his songs.

[air horn blares]
[laser sound]

You know, Boyce said
he left the music business

because he got "the calling."

Well, I'’ll tell you
who wasn'’t calling:

agents, managers, the Grammys.

[air horn blares]
[laser sound]

They called him "the hardly
working man in show business."

[laughter]

[air horn blares]
[laser sound]

All right, all right,
we get it.

You'’re a real DJ.
Enough with the sound effects.

Thank you, Boyce.

You know I'’m just messing
with you, man.

You are my big brother,
and you are a huge music talent,

and you had
that dope '’80s sound.

In 1997.

[laughter]

You know what stayed in Vegas?

His career.

[laughter]

[laughter and applause]

You think of Boyce
as an arrogant egomaniac,

and it'’s true!
[laughs]

Hey, but Boyce has
always had a big head.

Literally,
when we were kids,

he had to Crisco up his head
to get his T-shirts on.

[laughter]

Come on, Boyce.

You gotta laugh
at yourself a little.

Lighten up.

Oh, but Boyce,
he didn'’t do so well

with the girls
in high school.

But that all changed
when he became

Boyce the Voice.

Or as Lolli likes to call it,

Boyce the Bank.

[audience ohs]

That'’s not that funny.

What happened
to "lighten up"?

Now, see,
when Boyce met Lolli,

she was a backup dancer,
because when she tried

to dance up front,
the people were like,

"Back up!
Back up!"

[laughter]

Really, Nikki?
You want to go?

You want to go?

Boyce, I want you to know
I love you.

And I can'’t believe what
these people have said to you,

making fun of you
for things you can'’t help.

It wasn'’t your fault
you wet the bed

until you were 12.

[laughter]

Stop laughing.
It wasn'’t his fault.

He didn'’t make it
to the bathroom in time

because he was
too pigeon-toed.

He ran like a white girl
in a horror movie.

[laughter]

You know what else?

He was so bucktoothed,

he sneezed and bit his chest.

[laughter]

And one time,
he almost drowned in a pool.

[laughs]

Oh.

Obviously, he didn'’t.
That'’s why it'’s funny.

[air horn blares]

Shut up, Stamps.

[clears throat]
Thank you, uh, Barton.

[applause]

That was the last
of our roasters.

I want to thank you all
for coming out tonight.

But most importantly,

I want to thank Nikki
for all her help.

Although,
if she'’d had it her way,

instead of us eating oysters
at the Ritz,

we'’d be eating Lunchables
around a trash can fire.

[laughter and jeers]

But no, seriously, Nikki.

I know that I said
that you were

a stingy, stubborn
pain in the butt with no taste.

- And?
- And that'’s it. Um...

[laughter and jeers]

And now
I am honored to introduce

the man of the hour.

Celebrating five years
as pastor,

my husband, with his
perfectly normal-sized head,

the Right Reverend
Boyce Ballentine.

All right, Boyce!
Whoo!

Oh, thank you, Lolli.

And, uh, thank you, everybody.

Uh, you know, I'’m kind of sorry
it took a roast

to get your butts in the seats.

[laughter]

But I guess
I was asking for it.

Listen, I just want to say this
to everyone,

that these last five years

have been
the best years of my life,

and I just want
to thank you all.

This has been
a special evening,

so hey,
let'’s just have some fun.

Let'’s keep it going.

- Thank you. Thanks, everybody.
- Whoa, wait, wait, wait.

Uh, but, Pastor,
aren'’t you gonna roast us back?

Nah. You know, I'’m the one
who had it coming.

I get it.

Oh, it'’s not about that, Pastor.

We roast you
because we love you.

[all]
Yeah.

What, Pastor? You scared?

[all]
Ooh.

I think he ain'’t got nothing.
That'’s what it is.

[overlapping chatter]

[laughs]
Curtis, I'’ll tell you

what ain'’t got nothing--
your wallet.

[laughter]

Only thing
in his wallet is the picture

of the white family
it came with.

See, that'’s why I didn'’t want to
start nothing, as you can see.

I'’m the pastor.
I'’m supposed to be nice.

That'’s why I didn'’t want to say
Nikki'’s wig'’s so tight,

when she take it off,
it go--[clicks tongue]

People yell "Happy New Year"
every time.

[laughter and applause]

I don'’t know
if she'’s supposed to be

Billie Holiday
or Billy Ocean.

[giggles] Stamps, I'’m surprised
you got that one.

Stamps so dumb,
he thought Wi-Fi was

an Indian chief.

[laughter]

Wi-Fi.

And the boy reads slow.

He reads so slow,

he had to put a bookmark
in a tweet.

[laughter]

I don--I don'’t get it.

Now, of course
my dad wouldn'’t get that.

He'’s so old that,
when he was young,

rainbows came in
black and white.

- Oh!
[laughter]

The man is old, let me tell you.

After his first sermon,

Adam and Eve joined church.

[laughter]

Put the apple down,
put the apple down.

[mumbles]

Now I wish I hadn'’t pulled you
out of that pool, boy.

Ooh, man.
I could do this all night, man.

Actually, you can'’t.

We only have
the room till 10:00.

We could have had
the Moose Lodge all night.

Girl, don'’t make me
come over there.

[Boyce laughs]
Uh, Lester.

Uh, Lester, I see you having
a good time tonight.

Look at Lester,
looking like Magic Johnson

hooked up
with a Ninja Turtle.

[laughter]
- I do look like that!

That boy'’s teeth so yellow,
if you took '’em out

and put '’em in a glass of water,
it'’d look like a urine sample.

[air horn blares]
[laser sounds]

[dance music]

Any party people in the house?

Hey, nobody answer him.

Hey, man.
The DJ says that.

Any party people
in the house?

[all cheering]

Hey, babe.
Tonight has been fun.

I know, bab--
Ooh, you know what?

I'’m gonna make some coffee.
Anybody want coffee?

Lolli, make sure
you hide the good sugar.

Boyce, I am the good sugar.

Hey.

Get it. Get it.

♪

[soul music]

♪

♪ The soul man

♪ Hey