All language subtitles for The.Soul.Man.S04E07.Be.My.Ballentine.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BurCyg_track3_[eng]

When it was just Adam and Eve
on Earth,

it was paradise.

And then that snake showed up,

the original third wheel.

Now, if Adam had gotten
that snake a date,

maybe it would have had
something better to do

than to talk innocent naked
people into eating an apple,

and that turned out
to be the most expensive apple

in history.

Well, except for those
organic ones at Whole Foods.

Lolli!

Come on, babe.
We'’re gonna be late!

[Lolli]
I'’m coming, babe!

Oh!

Hey, Boyce.

Sorry, Nikki, bad timing.

We have dinner reservations.

I know.
I'’m coming with you guys.

Oh, no can do.

Vitronno'’s
only has a table for two.

Oh, we'’re not going
to Vitronno'’s.

I'’m off pasta.
It'’s too carby.

I made a reservation for us
at House of Curry.

So come on. Let'’s go.

- Babe?
- Huh?

Why does Nikki think
she'’s going with us?

Oh, she kind of
invited herself,

and I couldn'’t say no.

She didn'’t have
nothing else to do.

She never has
anything else to do.

She tagged along with us
Saturday to the Cardinal game.

Then Monday she crashed our trip
to Color Me Mine,

and she colored mine.

[Nikki]
Come on, you guys!
I'’m starving!

I hope she don'’t think
I'’m paying for her again.

[Nikki]
Damn, I left my purse
at my house!

That'’s all right!
Your house is on the way!

[whispers]
Stop it.

[soul music]

♪

♪ Hey

♪ The soul man

What? Are you telling me
all these girls

are looking for dates?

Yes, Lester.

Tindr is the way to go, bro.
There'’s nothing to it.

So how do I get that
on here?

Lester, you don'’t want
to meet women on a dating app.

I mean,
where'’s the courtship?

Where'’s the romance?

Here'’s the courtship.

"No. No.

"Hell no.

Yes."

Now, here'’s the romance.

"See you tonight at 10:00,
sexy."

See ya.

Do you really want
to have meaningless sex

with desperate strangers?

If you'’re trying to make it
sound bad, you failed.

And besides, Boyce the Voice
wasn'’t exactly into courtship.

When you met Lolli, you wrote
your room number on a napkin

and shoved it in her cleavage.

Yeah, that was my signature
move back then.

Stamps, I'’m not looking
for a hook-up.

I'’m looking for a girl
to share my life with,

to laugh and cry with,

to eat curry with.

I know that girl.

Lester?

Lester.

Socks with Crocs Lester?

He thinks she'’s a goddess,

and he'’s everything
she can ask for.

I mean, he has a job,
and he'’s alive.

[chuckles]Well...

that is a huge upgrade
for Nikki.

It is.

I mean, come on, Loll.
We got to make this happen.

I mean, she'’s always here.

No, she'’s not.

Yes, she is.

[Nikki]
Will you two keep it down
in there?

I'’m watching SpongeBob,
and my edibles just kicked in.

Okay, babe, but do you think
she'’ll go for it?

Yes, babe, because you'’re
gonna sell her on it.

Come on, baby.

I just want to be able to walk
around butt naked in baby oil

with my church shoes on
again, you know?

Oh, I love it
when you do that.

- Yeah.
- Okay, I'’m in.

I can do this.
Boyce, I can sell anything.

- Okay.
- Watch me work.

Go.

What I wouldn'’t give
for a Krabby Patty right now.

Um, Nikki?

Since you'’ve been
in St. Louis,

how many dates have you been on?

None.

And how many times

have you seen this episode
of SpongeBob?

200.

But I find something new
every time.

You'’re going on a date.

- But I'’m--
- No buts.

We'’ve got this guy.

- Okay, it'’s Lester.
- Oh!

Seriously, Lolli?

Me, with all this going on,

and Lester,
with all that Lester happening?

I want someone more like
Idris or Denzel.

Aw, girl, stay in your lane.

I don'’t know, Lolli.

It could get awkward.

Well, what if it was
just a casual dinner

and--and Boyce and I
came with you guys?

[Boyce]
Lolli. Lolli.

La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, Lolli.

Whoa, whoa. Whoa!

- What?
- What are you doing?

Babe, the whole point
of matchmaking Nikki

is to have less Nikki.

Boyce, I got the fish
on the hook.

Now, I could reel her in,
or I could take her off the hook

and let her flop around
the couch for the next 20 years.

You know what?

Get that fish in a boat
and club it.

I can'’t believe Lester thinks
dinner at his place

is a good first date.

Okay, positive attitude.

Fine, but I'’m telling you,
if he'’s got

a chapped white lip,I'’m out.

I got no time for ashy men who
don'’t want to drink their water.

[doorbell rings]

Greetings.

[sultry music plays]

Welcome
to my humble abode.

Wow, Lester,
you'’ve got style.

Are you gay?

No, but thank you.

Champagne?

What is this,
a fish ice cream?

No, that'’s actually
tuna tartare

in a sesame miso cone.

Miso impressed.

Well, then get ready,

because I'’ve been
in the kitchen all day.

I couldn'’t decide between making
a lamb tagine or a cassoulet,

so I decided to make both.

Are you sure you'’re not--

I'’m not gay,

and I hope that will become
more evident

as the evening goes on.

Babe, you know,
this can actually work.

Lester is smooth
as a baby'’s bottom.

He'’s the smoothest man
I'’ve ever seen.

I don'’t know
about all that.

Oh, pardon me, Lolli,

but I think you have
something in your ear.

Ahh!

Oh!

Lolli and Nikki: Smooth!

[both laugh]

I'’ll just get
my own raspberry.

You know,
this wine is pretty good.

Is there any reason

we'’re drinking it
out of thimbles?

It'’s not a wine, per se.

It'’s a Madeira,
a Portuguese digestif.

Sweet and nutty.

You'’re sweet and nutty,
Lester.

Oh, stop it.

I haven'’t even
gotten started yet.

Lester, I have to admit

you do throw one hell
of a shindig.

Oh, this is nothing.

Back in the day, I threw
dinner parties all the time.

In fact, they called me
Lester the Entertainer.

Lester the Entertainer.

Mm, I like it.

Sounds kind of braggy to me.

[chuckles]
Oh, pardon moi.

Babe, Lester'’s
about to blow it.

He is laying it on
way too thick.

Are you kidding me?

This is the best first date
I'’ve ever been on.

Our first date
was pretty special.

You didn'’t have
to do a damn thing.

Come on, now.
I romanced you good.

You jammed a napkin
in my boobies.

I did not jam it.

It was a nice gentle tuck.

I hope you saved room
for a little dessert.

Sweet baby Jesus.

The man carved swans
out of honeydew.

Look like a duck to me.

I hate to be stereotypical,

but let me get
one of them wings.

I don'’t know, Stamps.

I mean,
Lester was doing too much.

He made beans and sausage
and called it cassoulet.

Well, it was a first date.

A man has to
pull out all stops.

I should know, '’cause
I only go on first dates.

I can'’t believe
you don'’t find that pathetic.

Oh, I do.

Yeah, I'’m actually
kind of depressed.

Oh, brother, I'’m sorry.

What am I talking about?
I'’m not sorry for you.

You done had sex with four
different women since lunch.

Yeah, but is that enough?

I hope it'’s enough.

Look, it just feels empty.

You know, I need more.

I need real
emotional connections.

There you go, man.

Yeah, get out there
in the world

and meet people
the old-fashioned way.

No, I mean I need
RealEmotionalConnections.com.

Yeah, see,

they take your personality
and analyze it,

and then they match you
with people

that you have real things
in common with.

It'’s run by some guys
in Russia.

Oh, they'’re Russian.

Okay,
what could possibly go wrong?

Don'’t mock.

Not all of us can pick up women
just by saying,

"Hey, baby,
I got three platinum records.

Take off your pants."

Huh?

You--you think
that'’s what Lolli thought

about our first date?

Yeah.

Eh, I guess you'’re right,though.

I mean, I did have it going on
back in the day, though, man,

but, man, I was bigger
than life then, man.

I mean, I had
Pat Sajak'’s home number.

Flying first class
from Tokyo to Rio.

I owned a tiger.

Well, I ain'’t actually
owned it.

It was one of them
exotic timeshare things.

Like, some day--some days
you get, like, a meerkat,

and then sometimes you had,
like, a jackaroo.

I used to love that jackaroo.

I was just so big back then.

I didn'’t have to worry
about romance.

But it was clear
to me last night

that Lolli likes romance...

and cassoulet.

When was the last time
you made a big romantic gesture?

Whew!

I can'’t even think
of the year, man.

I just--

I know it was me, Lolli.

The Sajaks were there.

Did you see
that top Lisa had on?

Bringing all that cleavage
to a lady'’s luncheon.

- Who'’s she trying to catch?
- Mm-hmm.

Well--well, ladies,
let'’s not throw stones.

Ooh, what is that exotic
flower arrangement on my desk?

Oh, my God,
these are from Lester?

Read us the card.

I don'’t know.

It'’s kind of personal.

Lolli, here, read this and
tell me if it'’s too personal.

Let'’s see.

Out loud.
Lolli, read it out loud.

"Black woman, let me
love your dusky essence.

Black woman--"

[Lester]
Black woman,

let me teach you love'’s lessons.

Black woman,
put on your crown.

Black woman,
let me rub your skin so brown.

Black woman!

My summer'’s eve
so warm, so hot.

Black woman,
come to me.

Go, Lester!

That'’s enough, Terri.

I am sorry to intrude, ladies,
but I was at home

thinking what'’s sweet and black
just like you, Nikki?

So I made you some
of my signature blackberry jam.

Oh! Mmm.

Are you serious?

Ah, come on!

[giggles]

[Asian flute music playing]

What the--

Boyce?

Boyce, what is all of this?

Domo arigato, Lolli.

What are you thanking me for,
babe?

Oh, babe,
I thought I said hello.

Hey, babe, relax.

Look, come here
and have a little sake.

- Oh!
- Yes.

Now your personal chef,

me, is about to satisfy
your most exotic cravings.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Hip! Hai! Hai!

Oh!
[laughs]

Baby, to what
do I owe this pleasure?

This is--

Just trying to romance you,
girl.

Remember our trip to Tokyo?

Oh.

How I wined you and dined you
and loved you down?

Remember that restaurant
in the Harajuku District?

Oh, how could I forget?

Tay! Ah!

Oh, honey!

Yes.

That'’s exactly the way
that chef did it.

And some vegetables.

Hai! Hi!

[laughing]

How did you learn
how to do all this?

Well, I realized
I got to keep things hot.

Okay, so I see,
but what brought all this on?

Babe, look, I realize

that I have to step my game up.

I mean, you know,

when we first got together,
things were different then.

I was a big star.

What--what are you saying?

Everywhere we went,
it was VIP treatment,

private jets,
presidential suites.

Yeah, so?

That'’s the Boyce
that you fell for.

Are you calling me
a gold digger?

Oh.

- Hmm!
- Oh, no, hey-

Then what are you saying,
Boyce?

Babe, I'’m not suggesting that
you were with me for the money.

I'’m just saying that
if I didn'’t have the money,

which I knows sounds similar--

it'’s just a tone thing,
you know.

I cannot believe
you thought that about me.

Babe,
that'’s not what I'’m saying.

- Wow!
- Lolli, come on.

You got to listen to me.

[alarm beeping]

Oh, Lord, there'’s a fire.

Okay. All right. Okay.

Okay, all right.

[screams]

Hey, so the fire department
is gone.

The rental place is gonna
come pick up the table tomorrow.

Probably won'’t get
my deposit back, though.

Hey, I saved you some steak.

Found a piece
with no foam on it.

Boyce, how could you think
I married you for your money?

I didn'’t.
I don'’t.

I just chose my words poorly.

Very poorly.

Look, babe, you got to admit

I'’m not the man you first
fell in love with.

Who'’s the man
I first fell in love with?

There was a 50-foot billboard
with my face on it.

Had my name all in lights.

Now my name
is in plastic letters

in front of a little church,

and last week some kids
rearranged that to say,

"Come to our Sunday crevices."

Would the man I am now

ever been able to get a woman
as amazing as you?

You want to know the truth?

Well, when you say it
like that, I'’m not sure.

Boyce, do you remember when
you took me on a private jet

to New York
to go to the Grammys?

Yeah, that was the first time
you said you love me.

You think that trip
was the reason I fell for you?

- It wasn'’t?
- No.

It was the fact that you got
a ticket for my grandma.

Remember you took her
to the afterparty

with all those
celebrities there?

You escorted her around
for two hours.

She even got a chance
to meet Harry Belafonte.

Daylight come,
and she did not want go home.

It was nothing, babe.

Baby, this is
what I'’m trying to tell you.

It was everything.

That'’s the Boyce
I fell in love with.

So I almost burnt
the house down for nothing.

Yeah.

I will have that steak,though.

It'’s really well done.

I don'’t mind.

I just appreciate the effort.

Come here, girl.

Ew, Boyce, you smell like
charcoal and soy sauce.

Go get your butt
in the shower.

All right, mood killer.

No, '’cause
I'’m coming with you.

Ooh, domo arigato.

Oh, hey, baby.

So what are we doing tonight?

I want more Lester.

I really wish you
wouldn'’t say it like that.

Sorry.
So what are we doing today?

Well, actually, Nikki,
I have other plans tonight.

Thanks for the jam, Lester.

You'’re welcome.

The jam?

You--you gave her the jam?

You dirty dog.

Nikki,
please don'’t overreact.

You and I have only been
on two dates,

and we never talked
about not seeing other people.

Look, for the first time
in my life, I'’m in high demand,

and a lot of ladies
at church are after me now.

That'’s because of me!

I'’ve been bragging about you.

Oh, that makes so much sense.

Thank you, ma chérie.

Oh! Don'’t thank me.
And I don'’t share.

Black woman!
You cannot cage this panther.

I don'’t want
to cage the panther.

I want to put my foot
up its ass.

- Whoa, whoa.
- What is going on?

Oh, that cassoulet-baking,

thimble-drinking,
Def Poetry Jamming fool...

and I have decided
to see other people.

Real smooth, Lester.

I'’m sorry, Reverend, but I'’m
hot out in these streets.

Um, call you later?

Oh, I'’m blocking you,
flip phone.

Nikki, I'’m sorry.

Oh, it'’s okay.

I'’ll be all right
as long as I have my family.

Yeah, we'’re here for you.

Well, see you for dinner
at your house.

Boyce, we were so close.

We had the fish on the boat.

We just didn'’t club it,
though, you know?

Black woman,
would you feed me some popcorn?

Black woman,
will you remind me

to put in my new eye drops
before we got to bed tonight?

Oh, yes, black man,

because your allergies
are ferocious like a jaguar.

[Nikki]
Black people, shut up.

I'’m trying to watch
my TV show.

Hey, hey, hey, fam bam.

Glad you'’re here.

Well, we live here.

Bro, I wanted you to see
that it is possible

to find a real
emotional connection online.

This here is Rita, and she
and I are a 97% soul match.

Hi.

RiRi?

Cousin RiRi?

Aunt Yolanda'’s
baby girl RiRi?

Cousin Boyce?

Cousin Fletcher?

He goes by Stamps now.

So this is nasty,

but at least you know
she come from a good family.

[soul music]

♪

♪ The soul man