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1
00:00:02,588 --> 00:00:04,694
There's one thing
everybody is scared of,
2
00:00:04,728 --> 00:00:06,627
and that's change.
3
00:00:06,661 --> 00:00:08,560
Look at the Book of Exodus.
4
00:00:08,594 --> 00:00:12,184
Nobody resisted change
more than Pharaoh.
5
00:00:12,219 --> 00:00:13,979
Now, he didn't want
to free the Israelites,
6
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:17,258
so God sent ten plagues
upon him.
7
00:00:17,293 --> 00:00:19,295
Ten!
8
00:00:19,329 --> 00:00:23,437
I could see Pharaoh hanging
tough through locusts and frogs,
9
00:00:23,471 --> 00:00:26,578
but once God hits me with boils,
that's it.
10
00:00:26,612 --> 00:00:28,373
I'm changing.
11
00:00:28,407 --> 00:00:29,719
I mean, seriously,
12
00:00:29,753 --> 00:00:32,273
how many pyramids
does one man need?
13
00:00:34,620 --> 00:00:36,346
Hey, come on,
we got to go.
14
00:00:36,381 --> 00:00:37,761
The movie starts at 9:00,
15
00:00:37,796 --> 00:00:39,867
and we still got to get snacks
and sodas.
16
00:00:39,901 --> 00:00:44,596
[groans]
All right. Okay.
17
00:00:44,630 --> 00:00:49,049
Already ahead of you, babe.
18
00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:50,981
- Put all that in your purse.
- No, no, no.
19
00:00:51,016 --> 00:00:53,605
Why do I always
have to smuggle stuff in?
20
00:00:53,639 --> 00:00:56,470
Because I'm a man
of the cloth, all right?
21
00:00:56,504 --> 00:00:58,920
I'm held
to a higher standard, okay?
22
00:00:58,955 --> 00:01:00,439
And don't forget
a bottle opener.
23
00:01:00,474 --> 00:01:03,891
You never know when
there's gonna be communion.
24
00:01:03,925 --> 00:01:06,100
[phone rings]
- Boyce. Boyce. No, no, no.
25
00:01:06,135 --> 00:01:07,895
- I gotta get it, bae. I got--
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.
26
00:01:07,929 --> 00:01:10,000
Don't answer the phone.
Baby, it's date night.
27
00:01:10,035 --> 00:01:11,001
Babe, I'm a minister,
all right?
28
00:01:11,036 --> 00:01:12,244
I'm always on call.
29
00:01:12,279 --> 00:01:15,661
[phone continues ringing]
- Okay.
30
00:01:15,696 --> 00:01:19,113
- Hello?
- Somebody better be dying.
31
00:01:19,148 --> 00:01:21,978
Oh, how long does the doctor
say she has?
32
00:01:22,012 --> 00:01:24,360
Ooh!
I was just joking.
33
00:01:24,394 --> 00:01:26,810
I was just joking.
34
00:01:26,845 --> 00:01:29,710
Mercy General
on the third floor.
35
00:01:29,744 --> 00:01:31,194
All right, I'm on my way.
All right.
36
00:01:31,229 --> 00:01:32,885
Stay strong, Helen.
All right.
37
00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:34,646
I'm gonna try and see
if they have a later movie.
38
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:35,854
Thank you, babe.
39
00:01:35,888 --> 00:01:37,752
[phone rings]
- My goodness!
40
00:01:37,787 --> 00:01:40,928
This lady won't even
let you get your Bible out.
41
00:01:40,962 --> 00:01:42,930
Helen, I'm on my way.
Okay.
42
00:01:42,964 --> 00:01:44,311
Oh.Ooh.
43
00:01:44,345 --> 00:01:45,588
No, okay, I'm sorry.
44
00:01:45,622 --> 00:01:47,555
How long do they say he has?
45
00:01:47,590 --> 00:01:48,867
Another one?
46
00:01:48,901 --> 00:01:51,663
This one is not on me.
47
00:01:51,697 --> 00:01:54,114
Okay, what hospital is it?
Mercy General?
48
00:01:54,148 --> 00:01:55,943
Oh, that is fantastic.
49
00:01:55,977 --> 00:01:59,257
No, I'm just saying
because they do good work.
50
00:01:59,291 --> 00:02:02,260
[soul music]
51
00:02:02,294 --> 00:02:09,336
♪
52
00:02:09,370 --> 00:02:11,683
♪ Hey
53
00:02:11,717 --> 00:02:15,273
♪ The soul man
54
00:02:16,964 --> 00:02:19,311
Your family's strong, Helen,
all right?
55
00:02:19,346 --> 00:02:21,796
And I'll always be there
for you, but I got to go.
56
00:02:21,831 --> 00:02:23,350
I just want
to tell you how helpful--
57
00:02:23,384 --> 00:02:25,145
Yeah, email me.
Okay, God bless you.
58
00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:26,836
- Oh, I just want you--
- Okay, look, you know,
59
00:02:26,870 --> 00:02:28,527
there's a lot of people
dying, okay, so email me,
60
00:02:28,562 --> 00:02:29,735
and follow me on Facebook.
61
00:02:29,770 --> 00:02:31,358
Okay, yeah--amen.
62
00:02:33,636 --> 00:02:36,017
Oh, sorry I'm late.
63
00:02:36,052 --> 00:02:39,262
Old chatty Cathy out there.
64
00:02:39,297 --> 00:02:41,885
So how you doing?
65
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,991
It's rough,
but I'm hanging in there.
66
00:02:44,025 --> 00:02:45,682
Yeah, yeah.
67
00:02:45,717 --> 00:02:47,926
You know, it's okay to let go.
68
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:52,724
Soon your soul will be free
of its mortal container.
69
00:02:52,758 --> 00:02:55,830
I'm gonna die?
70
00:02:55,865 --> 00:02:58,281
Are--are you not
gonna kick it?
71
00:02:58,316 --> 00:03:00,318
I'm here
for a hernia surgery!
72
00:03:00,352 --> 00:03:03,390
Oh, oh!
So you're not Earnest Towers?
73
00:03:03,424 --> 00:03:05,012
I'm--I'm sorry.
I'm in the wrong room.
74
00:03:05,046 --> 00:03:07,808
Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!
This man says I'm gonna die!
75
00:03:07,842 --> 00:03:09,499
No. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm in the wrong room.
76
00:03:09,534 --> 00:03:10,638
Okay, forgive me.
God bless you.
77
00:03:10,673 --> 00:03:11,950
[shouts]
78
00:03:11,984 --> 00:03:13,227
I'm sorry, okay.
79
00:03:13,262 --> 00:03:15,885
You're not looking
that good, though.
80
00:03:15,919 --> 00:03:18,439
God bless you!
God bless.
81
00:03:22,892 --> 00:03:25,101
[groans]
82
00:03:25,135 --> 00:03:26,620
Lollipop!
83
00:03:26,654 --> 00:03:28,208
Baby, we got any breakfast?
84
00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:29,554
[sighs]
Nothing for me.
85
00:03:29,588 --> 00:03:32,902
I'm too depressed to eat.
86
00:03:32,936 --> 00:03:34,559
Stamps, what are you doing
in my house?
87
00:03:34,593 --> 00:03:35,974
It's 7:00 a.m.
88
00:03:36,008 --> 00:03:38,356
Aw, Boyce,
I can't be in my place.
89
00:03:38,390 --> 00:03:40,012
Everything there
reminds me of Kim.
90
00:03:40,047 --> 00:03:42,808
Okay, she moved
to Atlanta weeks ago.
91
00:03:42,843 --> 00:03:44,293
You got to move on.
92
00:03:44,327 --> 00:03:46,122
I'm trying, but it's hard.
93
00:03:46,156 --> 00:03:50,299
Everywhere I go,
I can still smell her perfume.
94
00:03:50,333 --> 00:03:52,542
So can I.
95
00:03:52,577 --> 00:03:55,304
Are you wearing her perfume?
96
00:03:56,926 --> 00:03:59,825
- No!
- Huh.
97
00:04:02,863 --> 00:04:05,486
Oh, you poor, poor thing.
98
00:04:05,521 --> 00:04:06,729
I don't want your pity.
99
00:04:06,763 --> 00:04:08,800
You don't have my pity.
100
00:04:08,834 --> 00:04:10,422
I was talking to Boyce.
101
00:04:10,457 --> 00:04:12,528
Hey, baby.
102
00:04:12,562 --> 00:04:14,254
Lolli, I tell you,
103
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:16,186
it seems like all
I'm doing lately is funerals.
104
00:04:16,221 --> 00:04:18,534
I mean, no baptisms.
No weddings.
105
00:04:18,568 --> 00:04:23,159
Hell, I'd be happy with
an exorcism right about now.
106
00:04:23,193 --> 00:04:26,680
It's so sad, and Miss Barnes
was one of my best clients
107
00:04:26,714 --> 00:04:28,164
down at the salon.
108
00:04:28,198 --> 00:04:29,924
Well, you gonna get
one more crack at her.
109
00:04:29,959 --> 00:04:31,788
The family wants you
to do her hair for the funeral.
110
00:04:31,823 --> 00:04:33,376
Dead Miss Barnes?
111
00:04:33,411 --> 00:04:34,998
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, no.
112
00:04:35,033 --> 00:04:36,828
No, no, no, Boyce.
I do curling.
113
00:04:36,862 --> 00:04:38,554
I do straightening.
I do braids.
114
00:04:38,588 --> 00:04:42,592
Bobs, cornrows, weaves,
afros, perms, fades, updos,
115
00:04:42,627 --> 00:04:45,802
and occasional Jheri curl,
116
00:04:45,837 --> 00:04:48,184
but I do not do dead.
117
00:04:50,497 --> 00:04:52,326
Good Lord.
118
00:04:52,361 --> 00:04:55,709
Boyce, I can't send Mrs. Barnes
to Jesus looking like this.
119
00:04:55,743 --> 00:04:58,298
Nikki, do you have
your weave comb?
120
00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:00,161
This is not a weave.
121
00:05:03,130 --> 00:05:06,409
Yes, I do think
I have something.
122
00:05:06,444 --> 00:05:08,169
Okay, I am so nervous.
123
00:05:08,204 --> 00:05:09,688
I don't know if I can do this.
124
00:05:09,723 --> 00:05:12,070
Oh, girl, don't be scared.
Just get in there.
125
00:05:12,104 --> 00:05:14,486
She ain't nothing
but hair and meat now.
126
00:05:14,521 --> 00:05:16,557
All right, Nikki, come on.
This is church business.
127
00:05:16,592 --> 00:05:18,179
It's no time
for the congregation to be here.
128
00:05:18,214 --> 00:05:20,250
Oh, hey,
I'm not in your congregation.
129
00:05:20,285 --> 00:05:22,770
When I come into town,
I go to Maximum Faith.
130
00:05:22,805 --> 00:05:25,670
What, that tacky megachurch
down on Third?
131
00:05:25,704 --> 00:05:29,329
Oh, he feels threatened
because it's so popular.
132
00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:31,434
I do not feel threatened.
133
00:05:31,469 --> 00:05:33,609
Oh, it's okay
to feel threatened by somebody
134
00:05:33,643 --> 00:05:37,406
who does the same thing
you do but better.
135
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:38,648
You know what,
I don't need to hear
136
00:05:38,683 --> 00:05:40,443
your trash talking right now,
137
00:05:40,478 --> 00:05:44,274
especially from somebody
who runs a dildo business.
138
00:05:44,309 --> 00:05:47,485
For your information,
I sold my dildo business,
139
00:05:47,519 --> 00:05:49,383
and it wasn't
just about dildos.
140
00:05:49,418 --> 00:05:51,143
And for a preacher, you're not
even supposed to be saying
141
00:05:51,178 --> 00:05:53,422
the word "dildos" in front
of a poor, old, dead woman.
142
00:05:53,456 --> 00:05:55,631
[door opens]
143
00:05:55,665 --> 00:05:58,150
You couldn't ask for
better weather for a funeral.
144
00:05:58,185 --> 00:05:59,807
Gray and rainy.
145
00:05:59,842 --> 00:06:02,120
I find when it's too sunny,
people tend to cheer up.
146
00:06:02,154 --> 00:06:04,260
Oh, Uncle Barton!
147
00:06:05,951 --> 00:06:07,643
Boyce, you hear
Nikki's good news?
148
00:06:07,677 --> 00:06:09,748
She made a fortune
selling her business.
149
00:06:09,783 --> 00:06:12,026
Daddy, do you even know
what Nikki's business was?
150
00:06:12,061 --> 00:06:13,959
Sure, I do.
I'm not an idiot.
151
00:06:13,994 --> 00:06:17,480
She sold adult toys.
152
00:06:17,515 --> 00:06:18,688
And you're okay with that?
153
00:06:18,723 --> 00:06:20,310
Why would I have a problem
154
00:06:20,345 --> 00:06:24,038
with remote control helicopters
and foosball tables?
155
00:06:24,073 --> 00:06:25,454
- No, she actually--
- No, that's not what she did.
156
00:06:25,488 --> 00:06:26,938
- It was kind of--
- Her business was in--
157
00:06:26,972 --> 00:06:28,284
She--
158
00:06:28,318 --> 00:06:29,285
Never mind.
159
00:06:29,319 --> 00:06:30,804
- Foosball.
- Yeah.
160
00:06:33,323 --> 00:06:40,158
♪ When Jesus is my portion
161
00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:44,818
♪ A constant friend
162
00:06:44,852 --> 00:06:49,063
♪ Is he
163
00:06:49,098 --> 00:06:51,928
As we all remember
Mrs. Barnes,
164
00:06:51,963 --> 00:06:54,379
let us take a moment
of quiet reflection.
165
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:55,691
♪ Lord! Oh
166
00:06:55,725 --> 00:06:58,452
Qu-quieter.
167
00:06:58,487 --> 00:07:00,868
Almost silent.
168
00:07:00,903 --> 00:07:03,837
Were you very close
with my aunt Roberta?
169
00:07:03,871 --> 00:07:06,564
Who?
170
00:07:06,598 --> 00:07:09,256
- She's in the casket.
- Oh, right.
171
00:07:09,290 --> 00:07:12,604
No, I was just thinking
about my girlfriend, Kim.
172
00:07:12,639 --> 00:07:15,435
She's gone,
and I'll never see her again.
173
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:17,264
Oh, no.
174
00:07:17,298 --> 00:07:19,059
Was it sudden?
175
00:07:19,093 --> 00:07:21,130
Never saw it coming.
176
00:07:25,203 --> 00:07:28,793
Are you wearing perfume?
177
00:07:28,827 --> 00:07:30,311
It was hers.
178
00:07:30,346 --> 00:07:32,624
Oh, you poor baby.
179
00:07:39,044 --> 00:07:41,737
That concludes
the Barnes service.
180
00:07:41,771 --> 00:07:43,221
I will ask--
181
00:07:43,255 --> 00:07:47,984
♪ I sing
because I'm happy ♪
182
00:07:48,019 --> 00:07:50,884
♪ I sing
183
00:07:50,918 --> 00:07:53,645
[mouthing words]
184
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:55,578
Oh, she looks beautiful.
185
00:07:55,613 --> 00:07:57,304
You did a wonderful job,Lolli.
186
00:07:57,338 --> 00:07:58,581
Well, it was nice.
187
00:07:58,616 --> 00:08:00,928
She just kind of let me
do my thing.
188
00:08:00,963 --> 00:08:02,240
I wish she was alive,
189
00:08:02,274 --> 00:08:04,898
so she could see
how good she looks dead.
190
00:08:07,348 --> 00:08:08,833
I don't know.
191
00:08:08,867 --> 00:08:10,386
You think it was tacky of me
192
00:08:10,420 --> 00:08:15,115
to put my business cards
in that woman's casket?
193
00:08:15,149 --> 00:08:17,531
I don't know,
but I saw Miss Rose take a card,
194
00:08:17,566 --> 00:08:19,464
and she could
drop dead tomorrow.
195
00:08:21,121 --> 00:08:23,019
Royce, that's just
crazy talk.
196
00:08:23,054 --> 00:08:26,333
Look, I'm sorry, Dad,
but I am done.
197
00:08:26,367 --> 00:08:27,886
All right?
We got to find a way
198
00:08:27,921 --> 00:08:29,543
to get some young people
into our church.
199
00:08:29,578 --> 00:08:32,063
I'm not doing
any more funerals.
200
00:08:32,097 --> 00:08:34,168
Look, if you want to get
young people in,
201
00:08:34,203 --> 00:08:36,101
talk with our treasurer,
Mrs. Belcher.
202
00:08:36,136 --> 00:08:37,655
She's in charge
of youth outreach.
203
00:08:37,689 --> 00:08:39,760
Ah, see,
now you're cooking, Dad.
204
00:08:39,795 --> 00:08:41,762
Yeah.
Mrs. Belcher.
205
00:08:41,797 --> 00:08:42,867
[phone rings]
- Okay.
206
00:08:42,901 --> 00:08:44,972
All right.
207
00:08:45,007 --> 00:08:46,664
Hello.
208
00:08:46,698 --> 00:08:51,427
Thelma Belcher was a faithful
servant of the church.
209
00:08:51,461 --> 00:08:52,808
May she rest in peace.
210
00:08:52,842 --> 00:08:55,293
It's a shame
she's in the casket.
211
00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:57,916
You can barely see the outfit
that I picked out.
212
00:08:57,951 --> 00:08:59,262
Come on.
213
00:08:59,297 --> 00:09:01,782
Try to prop her up a little bit.
214
00:09:01,817 --> 00:09:04,129
Ah!
Don't touch the dead person.
215
00:09:04,164 --> 00:09:06,960
I wasn't gonna touch her.
216
00:09:06,994 --> 00:09:09,514
Nikki, when you go over
to your church,
217
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,999
can you pass out
some of my business cards?
218
00:09:12,034 --> 00:09:14,554
Oh, girl,
I'm gonna need more than this.
219
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:16,901
It gets packed
at Maximum Faith.
220
00:09:16,935 --> 00:09:19,179
Hey, when you're
at that megachurch,
221
00:09:19,213 --> 00:09:20,456
there's young people there,
right?
222
00:09:20,490 --> 00:09:23,079
Hello?
I go there.
223
00:09:23,114 --> 00:09:24,633
That's what I'm saying.
224
00:09:24,667 --> 00:09:26,876
Like, when you're there,
do you see young people?
225
00:09:28,809 --> 00:09:31,778
[upbeat gospel music playing]
226
00:09:31,812 --> 00:09:33,193
♪
227
00:09:33,227 --> 00:09:35,816
[Nikki squeals]
228
00:09:35,851 --> 00:09:37,093
♪
229
00:09:37,128 --> 00:09:39,199
Excuse me.
230
00:09:39,233 --> 00:09:41,270
Really?
This is ridiculous.
231
00:09:41,304 --> 00:09:44,204
What kind of church makes you
enter through the gift shop?
232
00:09:44,238 --> 00:09:46,758
Baby,
just keep an open mind.
233
00:09:46,793 --> 00:09:48,829
Go, Jesus!
Go, Jesus!
234
00:09:48,864 --> 00:09:52,626
It's your birthday!
Get money!
235
00:09:52,661 --> 00:09:55,767
It's not his birthday.
It's March.
236
00:09:58,390 --> 00:10:00,600
[upbeat gospel music playing]
237
00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:03,050
Okay, I get it, baby.
It ain't no big secret.
238
00:10:03,085 --> 00:10:04,811
This ain't nothing but a show.
239
00:10:04,845 --> 00:10:06,502
This man ain't doing nothing
240
00:10:06,536 --> 00:10:08,331
but what I used to do
back in the day.
241
00:10:08,366 --> 00:10:10,195
Yeah.
These kids want a show?
242
00:10:10,230 --> 00:10:11,714
I'll give them a show.
Heh.
243
00:10:11,749 --> 00:10:13,509
I'm talking smoke, lights.
244
00:10:13,543 --> 00:10:15,718
- I'll get a band.
- Boyce, please!
245
00:10:15,753 --> 00:10:17,271
I'm trying to worship.
246
00:10:17,306 --> 00:10:20,240
Ooh!
The Maximum Faith Dancers!
247
00:10:20,274 --> 00:10:22,104
Dancers?
See, I was gonna say dancers.
248
00:10:24,727 --> 00:10:26,073
Ladies, we got room
down front.
249
00:10:26,108 --> 00:10:28,248
- [gasps] Oh, yeah!
- Oh!
250
00:10:28,282 --> 00:10:30,422
- Thank you!
- Ah! Sorry, sir.
251
00:10:30,457 --> 00:10:32,701
We're at capacity.
252
00:10:32,735 --> 00:10:35,565
Ah, okay.
I see what's going on, man.
253
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,085
Look, my wife is in there.
254
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:41,675
A lot of guys' wives
are in there.
255
00:10:41,710 --> 00:10:45,092
All right.
God bless you too.
256
00:10:45,127 --> 00:10:46,991
Lolli!
Lolli, come on!
257
00:10:47,025 --> 00:10:48,820
They ain't gonna let us in!
258
00:10:48,855 --> 00:10:50,719
[laughs]
259
00:10:50,753 --> 00:10:53,791
- Last night was wonderful.
- Mm-hmm.
260
00:10:53,825 --> 00:10:56,379
Sorry that my roommate
walked in on us, though.
261
00:10:56,414 --> 00:10:58,243
You know,
she's really quiet,
262
00:10:58,278 --> 00:10:59,762
and she waited a long time
to clear her throat.
263
00:10:59,797 --> 00:11:01,108
[giggles]
264
00:11:01,143 --> 00:11:03,317
Do you ever feel
like maybe your girlfriend
265
00:11:03,352 --> 00:11:04,594
is watching us too?
266
00:11:04,629 --> 00:11:07,114
Kim? Well, how could she
be watching us?
267
00:11:07,149 --> 00:11:09,599
You--you know,
like from heaven.
268
00:11:09,634 --> 00:11:13,258
Heaven?
269
00:11:13,293 --> 00:11:16,192
Oh!
270
00:11:16,227 --> 00:11:18,643
Heaven, yeah.
271
00:11:22,336 --> 00:11:25,995
You told her Kim was dead
so you could get some?
272
00:11:27,756 --> 00:11:29,136
Nah, she assumed.
273
00:11:29,171 --> 00:11:30,482
I mean, I got some, but--
274
00:11:30,517 --> 00:11:32,795
Actually, I got it all.
275
00:11:32,830 --> 00:11:34,521
But, Pop,
it was an honest mistake.
276
00:11:34,555 --> 00:11:36,281
And you're hoping
I'll say it's fine,
277
00:11:36,316 --> 00:11:37,697
so you can keep on doing it.
278
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:40,734
Would you?
279
00:11:40,769 --> 00:11:42,943
- It's a Holy Ghost party.
- It's a Holy Ghost party.
280
00:11:42,978 --> 00:11:44,117
It's a Holy Ghost party.
281
00:11:44,151 --> 00:11:46,015
[together]
It's a what?
282
00:11:46,050 --> 00:11:47,534
Ah, that's the jam.
283
00:11:47,568 --> 00:11:48,777
We got to keep that one
right there.
284
00:11:48,811 --> 00:11:50,226
Dad, I got big news.
285
00:11:50,261 --> 00:11:55,404
Get ready for "Extreme Makeover:
Church Edition."
286
00:11:55,438 --> 00:11:58,718
Now, I'm talking surround sound,
smoke machine, flat screens.
287
00:11:58,752 --> 00:12:00,892
Hold--hold--hold on.
That sounds expensive.
288
00:12:00,927 --> 00:12:03,584
I don't care if it's expensive.
I have a vision.
289
00:12:03,619 --> 00:12:07,140
We can't afford vision.
We don't even get dental.
290
00:12:07,174 --> 00:12:09,107
Now, oh, Barton, listen.
291
00:12:09,142 --> 00:12:11,420
It's more than
just lights and smoke.
292
00:12:11,454 --> 00:12:13,802
This pastor
was so compelling.
293
00:12:13,836 --> 00:12:16,080
I mean, he stood up there and
told the people how he had been
294
00:12:16,114 --> 00:12:18,807
[imitating pastor voice]
in the streets for ten years
295
00:12:18,841 --> 00:12:21,257
hustling and drug-dealing
296
00:12:21,292 --> 00:12:25,779
and hooking up
with prostitutes.
297
00:12:25,814 --> 00:12:28,195
That's not a sermon.
That's a rap sheet.
298
00:12:28,230 --> 00:12:30,991
No, no, Uncle,
it was riveting.
299
00:12:31,026 --> 00:12:33,822
One morning
after a week-long coke binge,
300
00:12:33,856 --> 00:12:35,789
he woke up on top of a girl...
301
00:12:35,824 --> 00:12:38,965
[together]
And she was dead!
302
00:12:38,999 --> 00:12:40,449
I'm telling you, Daddy,
303
00:12:40,483 --> 00:12:42,313
in order to get some
young people into this church,
304
00:12:42,347 --> 00:12:43,832
we got to shake things up.
305
00:12:43,866 --> 00:12:47,111
People don't come to church
to get shook up!
306
00:12:47,145 --> 00:12:49,458
They come because they know
what they're gonna get.
307
00:12:49,492 --> 00:12:51,978
Like I've been going
to Frank's Diner every morning
308
00:12:52,012 --> 00:12:53,358
for 20 years.
309
00:12:53,393 --> 00:12:55,429
You know what I order?
The usual.
310
00:12:55,464 --> 00:12:57,466
Last month suddenly the usual
311
00:12:57,500 --> 00:13:00,849
came with something called
"quinoa."
312
00:13:00,883 --> 00:13:02,367
That's not usual!
313
00:13:02,402 --> 00:13:06,647
Please, Son,
don't put quinoa in our church!
314
00:13:06,682 --> 00:13:09,098
What?
What does that even--
315
00:13:09,133 --> 00:13:11,549
Look, guys, if we're gonna
reboot this church,
316
00:13:11,583 --> 00:13:13,378
we got a lot of work to do.
317
00:13:13,413 --> 00:13:14,690
Lolli, I need you
to get me some new clothes.
318
00:13:14,724 --> 00:13:15,864
I'm on it.
319
00:13:15,898 --> 00:13:18,487
And, Stamps, go down
to that megachurch
320
00:13:18,521 --> 00:13:20,558
and grab some of the people
from the overflow room.
321
00:13:20,592 --> 00:13:22,802
- How am I supposed to do that?
- I don't know.
322
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:25,494
Offer 'em salvation
or free Wi-Fi,
323
00:13:25,528 --> 00:13:27,772
GameStop cards,
I don't know.
324
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,499
Look, you get some young people
in them pews,
325
00:13:30,533 --> 00:13:32,570
I'm gonna preach the hell
out of 'em. Heh.
326
00:13:32,604 --> 00:13:34,089
I got stories too.
327
00:13:34,123 --> 00:13:35,745
Ah, yes, you do, baby.
328
00:13:35,780 --> 00:13:37,747
Oh, oh, and, Nikki,
I need you to go to Chicago.
329
00:13:39,991 --> 00:13:41,613
Why?
330
00:13:41,648 --> 00:13:44,375
Mainly 'cause I just
don't want you here, okay?
331
00:13:44,409 --> 00:13:45,755
You know what, Boyce,
every single time--
332
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,104
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's make some noise
333
00:13:49,138 --> 00:13:50,899
for the preacher
who will reach ya,
334
00:13:50,933 --> 00:13:53,971
the master pastor
who will save you from disaster.
335
00:13:54,005 --> 00:13:57,560
Here he comes, strutting
his stuff in Looks by Lolli.
336
00:13:57,595 --> 00:14:01,426
If you like what you see, hey,
that's because of me.
337
00:14:01,461 --> 00:14:06,707
The one, the only
Right Reverend Boyce Ballentine!
338
00:14:06,742 --> 00:14:09,745
[up-tempo gospel music]
339
00:14:09,779 --> 00:14:16,234
♪
340
00:14:16,269 --> 00:14:18,236
[cheering]
341
00:14:18,271 --> 00:14:21,067
♪
342
00:14:21,101 --> 00:14:23,759
[cheers and applause]
343
00:14:26,244 --> 00:14:27,763
[Boyce]
Come on, now.
344
00:14:27,797 --> 00:14:29,282
Sit down.
This ain't about me right now.
345
00:14:29,316 --> 00:14:30,939
Come on.
346
00:14:30,973 --> 00:14:32,768
What's up,
First Baptist Church?
347
00:14:32,802 --> 00:14:34,425
[all]
What's up?
348
00:14:34,459 --> 00:14:36,116
Can I get a "praise Him"?
349
00:14:36,151 --> 00:14:37,497
[all]
Praise Him!
350
00:14:37,531 --> 00:14:39,016
Can I get a "praise Him up"?
351
00:14:39,050 --> 00:14:40,362
[all]
Praise Him up!
352
00:14:40,396 --> 00:14:41,777
All right.
353
00:14:41,811 --> 00:14:43,468
I see a lot of young faces
out there.
354
00:14:43,503 --> 00:14:44,987
A lot of new faces.
355
00:14:45,022 --> 00:14:46,713
A lot of faces
who are probably thinking,
356
00:14:46,747 --> 00:14:50,268
"What does Reverend Boyce
Ballentine know about my life?"
357
00:14:50,303 --> 00:14:52,098
- That's right.
- "About my world?
358
00:14:52,132 --> 00:14:55,515
About the way that I live?"
359
00:14:55,549 --> 00:14:57,413
Well, I'm not gonna sit up here
and tell you
360
00:14:57,448 --> 00:15:01,417
that I have lived a life
of purity and reverence.
361
00:15:01,452 --> 00:15:04,179
- No!
- 'Cause I have not.
362
00:15:04,213 --> 00:15:07,389
And I didn't say,
"Get behind me, Satan."
363
00:15:07,423 --> 00:15:09,356
No, I told Satan,
"Let's turn up!"
364
00:15:09,391 --> 00:15:12,118
[all]
Yeah!
365
00:15:12,152 --> 00:15:15,845
See, I could tell you
about sin and degradation.
366
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:17,917
- Oh!
- Mm-hmm.
367
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:21,679
See, I once found myself
butt naked...
368
00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:24,026
[woman]
Whoo!
369
00:15:24,061 --> 00:15:26,753
Nose caked full of cocaine...
370
00:15:26,787 --> 00:15:28,720
Ooh!
371
00:15:28,755 --> 00:15:31,137
- On the back of a tour bus...
- Oh!
372
00:15:31,171 --> 00:15:35,727
With Chaka Khan.
373
00:15:35,762 --> 00:15:39,145
Cha--Chaka Khan.
Chaka Khan?
374
00:15:39,179 --> 00:15:42,044
You remember, "Chaka Khan,
Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan"?
375
00:15:42,079 --> 00:15:43,943
Tell Me Something Good.
I'll Be Good to You.
376
00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:46,428
Chaka Khan!
Y'all--
377
00:15:46,462 --> 00:15:48,740
- [mouths words]
- You see, that's okay.
378
00:15:48,775 --> 00:15:51,433
Where I was,
I had got so far away
379
00:15:51,467 --> 00:15:52,917
from the man upstairs.
380
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,299
I was doing all kinds
of deviant things.
381
00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:56,645
[crowd oohs]
382
00:15:56,679 --> 00:15:59,337
- Debaucherous things.
- Oh!
383
00:15:59,372 --> 00:16:02,996
- Diabolical things!
- Oh, yes! Yes!
384
00:16:03,031 --> 00:16:05,481
All the things
start with the letter D.
385
00:16:05,516 --> 00:16:08,277
I was so low from where I was,
386
00:16:08,312 --> 00:16:11,487
I had to look up
to see Rick James.
387
00:16:14,801 --> 00:16:17,562
Rick James?
388
00:16:17,597 --> 00:16:20,013
Notoriously troubled singer
from the '80s.
389
00:16:22,222 --> 00:16:24,984
So--aah!
Don't you--
390
00:16:26,916 --> 00:16:28,194
Amen.
391
00:16:28,228 --> 00:16:30,403
Amen!
392
00:16:33,820 --> 00:16:35,649
Thank you.
Thank you. All right.
393
00:16:35,684 --> 00:16:36,996
Fist bump, now.
Come on.
394
00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:39,515
Quick pound?
None? All right.
395
00:16:39,550 --> 00:16:43,036
Well, Son, that was one big,
steaming load of quinoa.
396
00:16:43,071 --> 00:16:44,934
It's not Boyce's fault.
397
00:16:44,969 --> 00:16:47,385
If these little idiots
don't know who Chaka Khan is,
398
00:16:47,420 --> 00:16:50,526
they don't deserve
to be saved.
399
00:16:50,561 --> 00:16:52,528
Reverend Boyce,
I just want you to know
400
00:16:52,563 --> 00:16:54,392
I only came here
for the free Wi-Fi.
401
00:16:54,427 --> 00:16:56,187
You got a good vibe, man.
402
00:16:56,222 --> 00:16:57,982
- I'm glad I came.
- Really?
403
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:00,605
- I got a good vibe.
- This place is really personal.
404
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,849
You know, Maximum Faith
is so huge and so crowded.
405
00:17:02,883 --> 00:17:05,231
You know they wouldn't even
let me get past the velvet rope?
406
00:17:05,265 --> 00:17:09,545
Heh, I couldn't imagine
how that would make you feel.
407
00:17:09,580 --> 00:17:12,341
You know what, we're not gonna
ever have a velvet rope here.
408
00:17:12,376 --> 00:17:14,757
I want this place
to feel like home,
409
00:17:14,792 --> 00:17:17,070
and I want you
to come back home next week
410
00:17:17,105 --> 00:17:18,658
and bring some friends.
411
00:17:18,692 --> 00:17:20,246
- Most def.
- All right.
412
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,662
See, coming back next week
and bringing friends.
413
00:17:22,696 --> 00:17:24,353
- You hear that?
- I heard.
414
00:17:24,388 --> 00:17:26,321
- Yeah.
- Oh, and by the way,
415
00:17:26,355 --> 00:17:28,806
I don't know who that Chaka Khan
guy is, but it was really brave
416
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:32,292
of you to tell us how you
used to get freaky with dudes.
417
00:17:32,327 --> 00:17:34,950
[laughs]
418
00:17:34,984 --> 00:17:37,366
- I heard that too.
- No.
419
00:17:37,401 --> 00:17:39,334
Hey, that's not what I meant.
420
00:17:41,543 --> 00:17:43,234
So, look, I wanted to talk
to you about my girlfriend.
421
00:17:43,269 --> 00:17:45,961
The one who died?
422
00:17:45,995 --> 00:17:48,826
Yeah, that's the one.
423
00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:51,208
Except she didn't.
She's alive.
424
00:17:51,242 --> 00:17:53,141
Of course she is,
and she'll always be alive
425
00:17:53,175 --> 00:17:55,074
as long as she's
in your heart.
426
00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:59,906
No, no, no, what I'm saying is,
she's literally alive.
427
00:17:59,940 --> 00:18:01,666
I understand.
428
00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:04,876
No, I don't think you do.
429
00:18:04,911 --> 00:18:06,775
All right, baby,
now that I got momentum,
430
00:18:06,809 --> 00:18:08,811
I really got
to turn things up next Sunday.
431
00:18:08,846 --> 00:18:10,158
- Okay.
- All right?
432
00:18:10,192 --> 00:18:11,538
- I'm talking about a live band.
- Band.
433
00:18:11,573 --> 00:18:14,955
Beyoncé's wind machine.
434
00:18:14,990 --> 00:18:17,372
Maybe that Cameo cup
Daddy used to wear.
435
00:18:17,406 --> 00:18:22,273
♪ Oh, uh, mmm
436
00:18:22,308 --> 00:18:23,688
Oh, I need
to audition dancers.
437
00:18:23,723 --> 00:18:25,483
- That's what I need.
- No, no, no.
438
00:18:25,518 --> 00:18:29,729
Why don't you let me audition
the dancers, Mr. Chaka Khan?
439
00:18:29,763 --> 00:18:32,318
- Catch you guys later.
- Hi.
440
00:18:32,352 --> 00:18:35,390
Is that the girl
from the funeral?
441
00:18:35,424 --> 00:18:37,357
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Son.
442
00:18:37,392 --> 00:18:38,531
Did you tell that girl
the truth?
443
00:18:38,565 --> 00:18:39,877
Oh, yeah.
444
00:18:39,911 --> 00:18:43,812
- Like eight times.
- Good boy.
445
00:18:43,846 --> 00:18:45,607
Hey, Boyce.
446
00:18:45,641 --> 00:18:48,920
Elders and I had a look
at how much all those TV sets
447
00:18:48,955 --> 00:18:51,992
and cameras and VCRs you bought
cost the church.
448
00:18:52,027 --> 00:18:54,340
I didn't buy any VCRs.
449
00:18:54,374 --> 00:18:56,514
And since our beloved
treasurer Mrs. Belcher
450
00:18:56,549 --> 00:18:58,137
is out of the picture...
451
00:18:58,171 --> 00:19:01,623
I don't even think
you can buy VCRs anymore.
452
00:19:01,657 --> 00:19:03,866
Well, it's time
we hired a new treasurer.
453
00:19:03,901 --> 00:19:05,730
And who better
than the financial wiz
454
00:19:05,765 --> 00:19:08,112
in our own family, Nikki?
455
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:10,528
[laughs]
Boom!
456
00:19:10,563 --> 00:19:12,841
Girl, you're moving
to St. Louis?
457
00:19:12,875 --> 00:19:14,670
Yes!
458
00:19:14,705 --> 00:19:18,398
Daddy, Nikki is not gonna tell
me what I can and can't buy.
459
00:19:18,433 --> 00:19:21,677
Mostly what you can't.
460
00:19:21,712 --> 00:19:24,818
I'll holler!
461
00:19:24,853 --> 00:19:27,649
Boyce, I already sent back
your smoke machine.
462
00:19:27,683 --> 00:19:29,168
Wait, wait, hold up.
463
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,653
How you gonna see the lasers
without the smoke?
464
00:19:31,687 --> 00:19:34,138
I sent back your lasers too.
465
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,899
Okay, wait a minute.
What about my wardrobe budget?
466
00:19:36,934 --> 00:19:40,144
Oh...you good.
[laughs]
467
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,697
All right, wait a minute.
468
00:19:41,732 --> 00:19:43,285
She's good?
I'm supposed to be good.
469
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:44,907
I'm the one
that's supposed to be good!
470
00:19:44,942 --> 00:19:46,426
Boyce, stop it.
471
00:19:46,461 --> 00:19:48,808
- This is gonna be so much fun.
- I know.
472
00:19:48,842 --> 00:19:50,810
Let's pop some champagne,
girl.
473
00:19:50,844 --> 00:19:52,294
Wait.
I want to talk to you right now!
474
00:19:52,329 --> 00:19:53,744
Y'all--y'all just gonna walk
out on me?
475
00:19:53,778 --> 00:19:56,229
Lolli, come back here.
476
00:19:56,264 --> 00:19:59,025
I know they're not opening
my Veuve Clicquot in there.
477
00:20:04,893 --> 00:20:12,901
♪
478
00:20:20,633 --> 00:20:23,877
♪ The soul man
479
00:20:23,912 --> 00:20:25,845
♪ Hey
34183
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