All language subtitles for Elle 2026 S01E03 1080p 10bit WEBRip 6CH x265 HEVC-PSA.eng

Donna?

- Previously on Elle...

I wish we could wake up
from this nightmare, Bruiser.

I just found
a way to get you home.

Cosmo's doing
a semester-long internship in L.A.

Tell me how to win, immediately.

You just need to choose
from a few of these essay prompts.

"When things get bad,
how would you stage your comeback?"

I could write
about Donna's comeback.

I can help her get rehired.

Woods comma Elle?

Hi. I'm Shannon Walker.

Sorry, I forgot what it was like
to receive eye contact.

Hey. Are you going to CarpetMart
on Saturday?

Okay, what is CarpetMart?

Why are you here with the chick
who got your mom fired?

I'm not.

- Since when is Donna your mom?
- Since birth.

I haven't asked anyone
who their parents are in Seattle.

Me going to our school
hinges on her working there.

I-I don't want you to get kicked out.

Then please, just give up.

Everything just feels backwards here.

- Okay.
- Hey, wait, what are you doing?

Getting you out of your head!

And who is that

handsome young gentleman
who seems very concerned

about your well-being?

He's just a friend.

Esther, you had an apple cider?

Hi.

Could I get a medium iced--

Elle?

- Hey.
- Donna?

What happened to the fish market?

This is my weekend gig.

Why are you dressed for a sting operation?

Oh. I'm trying to hide from a boy
who might go here.

One time I saw him drinking
what I think was a coffee,

but what am I supposed to do?

This is the only coffee shop
I don't need my mom to drive me to.

You are so brave. Ow! Gosh.

Okay, so, this boy that you are avoiding,
is he dangerous somehow?

Only emotionally.

He's dating a girl
I've been desperate to befriend.

I didn't realize it until too late.

Oh, honey.

Uh, Donna? You made

another decapitated swan.

I'm terrible at this.
I'll be right back.

Elle?

Shannon. You're here.

Boo.

You're both here.

Together.

Because you're a couple.

Looking super strong and committed
this morning, I might add.

Go us.

Oh, actually,
you can settle an argument for us.

We're splitting a bagel.
Which one's better?

Blueberry or everything?

You want me to choose?

Between the-the two of you?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Sorry, Miles.

Got to go blueberry. Girl code.

Ah, I see.
So, you two are teaming up against me.

Always.

What can I get you?

One blueberry bagel
with blueberry cream cheese.

Goodie, a threesome, with Carmen Sandiego.

Uh, can I get a croissant?

Oh, that actually sounds good.
Can you make that two croissants?

Got a blueberry bagel here.

Uh, you guys can have it.

Let's grab a table.

And to think
we could've had everything together.

That's...

I don't know about "everything."

Oh, you meant the-the bagel.

Ignore me.

Think I might have a hairline concussion
from that mosh pit.

Oh. I-I think you got a...

Mm.

- Here, I'll--
- No! Don't.

I mean, I want it there. It's mine.

Okay, well, suit yourself.

I have my own.

I'm sure
it wasn't that bad.

We were practically rounding second base
in front of his girlfriend.

Pause. Can we please discuss

how epic it is
you have a genuine Seattle prospect?

He's not a prospect, Madison.

That's the point. I can't like him.

Miles is with Shannon,

and Shannon's basically
the coolest senior at Rainier West.

They're the Brad and Gwyneth
of this dumb school.

If they're so perfect, then why was Miles
totally flirting with you?

Whatever.
I refuse to make another fatal mistake

and turn my school against me again.

Just go for it. Who cares?

This will all be a distant memory
when you win the Cosmo contest anyway.

Yeah, you're right.

I just need to move back to L.A.
and get myself out of this mess.

So we agree. Great.

- I got to dip. Uh, later.
- Bye.

Okay, Bruiser, no more boy talk.

We need to focus
so we can get ourselves out of this mess.

Essay number two.

"Cosmo Girls are like cake:

sweet, layered and a little bit naughty.

But making a good first impression
is everything.

If someone were to meet you
for the very first time,

what's one word they would use
to describe you?"

Well, that's easy.

It's obviously...

Well, there are so many words.

Elle Woods is stylish.

Charitable.

- ♪ Caroline laughs ♪
- Confident.

♪ And it's raining all day ♪

♪ She loves to be one of the girls ♪

♪ She lives in the place
in the side of our lives ♪

Respectful.

♪ where nothing is ever put straight...

This is actually kind of impossible.

If I say I'm glamorous,

are they gonna think
I'm not down-to-earth?

If I pick "smart,"
will they know I'm also fun?

Should I say "motivated"? "Kind"?

"Gemini"?

"Vegetarian"?

How could anyone possibly narrow down
Elle Woods to one single word?

♪ I'm only happy when it rains ♪

♪ I'm only happy when it's complicated ♪

♪ And though I know you can't ♪

♪ appreciate it ♪

♪ I'm only happy when it rains ♪

♪ Pour your ♪

- ♪ misery down ♪
♪ Pour your misery ♪

- ♪ Pour your misery down on me ♪
♪ down, pour your misery ♪

- ♪ Pour your misery down ♪
- ♪ down, pour ♪

♪ You can keep me company as long as ♪

♪ you don't care ♪

♪ I'm only happy when it rains ♪

♪ You wanna hear about my new obsession? ♪

♪ I'm riding high upon ♪

♪ a deep depression ♪

♪ I'm only happy when it rains ♪

♪ Pour some misery down on me ♪

♪ I'm only happy when it rains ♪♪

I have no idea

what this could be in reference to.

Someone must have been
trying to write the word "SCOT."

You know, a lot of people think
I'm fully Scottish...

...but I'm mostly Irish.

Hey.
Way to ditch me at CarpetMart.

I ditched you?

I nearly suffered a head injury
as a result

of that unsanctioned mosh pit
you dragged me into.

It's a miracle I'm still alive.

Well, then...

...let's not waste
your one wild and precious life.

Know how you told me Principal Anderson
fudges facts on official paperwork?

Dude left his last school
under "mysterious circumstances."

It says "unknown," not "mysterious."

You can't just change the word
to make your point more scandalous.

Oh. Speaking of words,

if you could describe me in one,
what would it be?

Yeah, I'm not doing that. Anyway,
this article implies Anderson was fired.

I knew that guy was shady.

Not interested.

- Elle, come on.
- Drop it.

Seriously.

Yo, Dustin.

I got ideas for the flyers.

Okay, let's see what you got.

All right.

How do I look?

Religious.

Well, I was actually going for "nice,"
but "religious" works, too.

Where did your neck go?

The neck is the pedestal to the face.

Well, I know turtlenecks haven't
traditionally been a part of my aesthetic,

but maybe that was the wrong instinct.

Maybe I'm a turtleneck person now.

Turtleneck pers...

- Wyatt?
- Hmm?

I, um...

inexplicably saw my Rolodex in your study.

Mm. Can you go?

Can you go?

I will retrieve that for you.

Honey. What's going on?

Nothing.

I just...

Do you remember
when we were walking Bruiser in the park

and some lady compared him to a dachshund?

Of course. He was devastated.

Yeah, well, now I know how he felt--

Oh!

Your housewarming invitations
feature a jump scare.

Well, first impressions are everything.

Your dad's mishap

ran our family out of L.A.
and could have totally destroyed us.

Thank goodness
we have our second chance in Seattle.

But Elle, we can't afford
another embarrassment.

Yeah, that would be so bad.

Well, fortunately,
I've figured out that those two gay men

that I've been seeing on my twice-daily
power walks live down the street.

A well-dressed same-sex couple

really increases
your party's social stock.

And that just reminds me,
I need to give your father

a few invites for his clients.

The post-ops, obviously.

And no judgment, but...

Appearance is everything.

- You're back already.
- Mm.

What's that doing there?

What?

"Mike McCready"?

Oh, a nice guy I met at a coffee shop,

said he'd be open
for a little jam sesh sometime.

That's just what the world needs:
more men with guitars.

Well, I think it's great, Dad.

Could I get a ride to school?

- Yes.
- Let's do this. Oh.

Yes, sh... you, no, you should take her.

- I have envelopes to stuff.
- Great.

- Bye, Mom.
- I love you.

I love you.

Bruiser?

Honey, where are you? Come to Glam-ma.

How's the brain injury?

Did it turn you Amish?

Modesty is nondenominational.

I, um, I got your message
on our answering machine.

I really appreciate you
dropping the Anderson stuff.

Well, I meant it.

I get that there are consequences,

and I'd like to think of myself
as a loyal person.

Loyal.

- Adding that as a maybe.
- What?

Hello, compatriots.

Elle, I printed you a copy of this.
I don't think you read it fully.

- Drop it.
- What is that?

Oh, just Dustin being Dustin.

Okay, everyone.

Today, we are learning
about catalyzed reactions.

You know what that means.

Interactive science.

Now, I have hydrogen peroxide
and different-colored soaps.

When I add our catalyst,

oxygen gets rapidly released,

which aerates the soap, causing...

Yes. Dustin.

So, what you're saying is,
you needed a catalyst

for that incredible feat of science
to go down.

Well, I-I don't know
if I would call, uh, elephant toothpaste

an incredible feat of science,

- but I do think that... Yeah.
- But, but with a little help,

the oxygen came to light.

Like all truth does eventually,
don't you think?

Huh. Well, uh...

- Uh, yes, Elle?
- Ms. Burke,

did I misremember the assigned reading

that says that hydrogen peroxide
decomposes naturally,

without interference?

Very good, Elle.
Yes, it will decompose,

just slower, without a catalyst.

But that catalyst

ultimately made a giant mess
all over your desk.

Maybe we should think twice
before meddling

with hydrogen peroxide, and be grateful

for its mild
and noncontroversial antiseptic uses.

First of all, I think
you're drastically overestimating--

- How dare you? How dare you?
- Okay. Yeah... All right.

Christopher, would you like
to help me pass out beakers

so we can all try it ourselves?

Super normal behavior from you, per usual.

I told you. I'm a--

...slut.

I knew you were capable of lies, Kimberly,

but I cannot believe you would scrawl
that vile insult on my locker.

Am I supposed to know

what you're talking about or is this
a side effect of your fake concussion?

I was studying the four-letter epithet,

which I will not repeat in public,

when I thought,
"That curly S looks awfully familiar.

Where have I seen it before?"

Hmm, I wonder.

Yeah, sorry if the truth hurts.

What truth? I've never even kissed a guy.

If anything, I'm a prude.

But I would not like that
to be a word that defines me, either.

Please, you...

Wait, are you serious?

How have you never kissed a guy before?

I have very specific criteria when it
comes to creating the perfect first kiss.

But my point is,

I could kiss a zillion guys.

You do not write S-L-U-T
on someone's locker.

Hmm, what if the S-L-U-T

is swooning over
her wannabe bestie's B-O-Y?

Miles? That's-that's not even a thing--

I've been friends with Shannon
since kindergarten,

so I think it's time she knew that she's
friends with a slut in sheep's clothing.

Well, first of all, this is faux cashmere,

so, theoretically,
it would be goat's clothing.

And second,

you have absolutely no proof whatsoever
of this alleged crush.

Then maybe I need to find proof.

Okay, first order of business
when I come visit you over fall break:

kill Kimberly.

I refuse to spend
our precious week together burying a body.

Well, forget Kimberly.

She's a classic mean girl bully
who wouldn't survive 24 hours in L.A.

I hear clicking.
Are our phones being tapped?

Should we change the subject?

Oh, those are my hazards.

I just saw Seven,
and I'm scared to drive home.

But on the plus side,

I can very easily imagine
Kimberly's head in a box.

Madison, ew.

You know you have to go
to her pool party, right?

You can't let her ice you out
of the social scene.

Fall functions lead to holiday ho-downs
which lead to spring flings.

Do you want to spend Easter alone?

No, but I can't go.

My mom's housewarming's that day.

- Plus, Miles is gonna be there.
- The way I see it,

you only have one logical response.

Get a boyfriend who isn't Miles
and throw Kimberly off the scent.

That's... genius.

But who, though? I don't like anyone.

You don't have to like them,
you just have to be convincing.

"Whirled peas."

"World peace." Cute.

Yeah, just with everything going on--

Bosnia, Tonya Harding--

the world just really needs
to be brought together.

Wait, no, you--

It's fine. It's totally fine.

It's disgusting. Who did that?

The school said they'd remove it.

Eventually.

- I am so sorry.
- Oh.

Thank you.

Is this why you were wearing
a cashmere turtleneck

under a mid-length dress yesterday?

You noticed, too?

You can't change because someone
feels threatened by you, Elle.

We all know this isn't who you are.

I have to go to class.

Burn the turtleneck?

- Definitely.
- Byes.

Thank you.

Yo, Lizbian.

Sick zine this month.

He just called you "Lizbian."

As in "lesbian."

I heard.

- That doesn't bother you?
- He complimented my zine.

I mean, if I'm being honest,
I'm more surprised he knows how to read.

Puns are for greeting cards
and multicams, not bigotry.

I'm sorry, you think that guy
came up with "Lizbian"?

That's a Liz Miller original.

Why would you start a rumor about yourself

that would cause people
to think that you're gay?

Are you in witness protection?

Oh, no, um, I am gay.

Obviously.

I'm sorry for not knowing sooner.

Oh, don't be.

If everyone had your gaydar,
the world would be a safer place.

I have always considered myself
to be sexual-preference blind.

I had a crush on Freddie Mercury
till sixth grade.

Post-Live Aid.

Anyway, I love that you're gay.

What are you doing for Pride?

Are you just feeling guilty
about getting my mom fired?

No. I genuinely like you.

Why?

Why do I like you?

Yeah.

We have nothing in common,
you know almost nothing about me,

so why do you like me?

Name one reason.

I mean, I don't know, I just do.

Well, um...

when you figure it out,

you let me know.

Hey, if you don't want to sit by your
lonesome, you can sit with me and Shannon.

Oh, don't worry,
Miles should be joining, too.

Maybe you guys can Lady and the Tramp
the same spaghetti noodle or something.

No, thank you.

I'm waiting for my boyfriend.

Dustin.

- Huh?
- I saved you a seat, babe.

Oh, please.

Mind if I have some alone time
with my significant other,

or do you want to watch
as we create pet names for each other?

Barf.

Oh, you're so funny.

Thanks for that.

Yeah.

You're not gonna ask?

Usually, with you, that leads
to more questions than answers.

Besides, I already know

how you're gonna repay me.

- Help me expose Anderson.
- No, thank you.

- I shouldn't have told you about him.
- I just need you

to get one of your parents
to go to the school board meeting tonight

and snag one of the school budgets
so I can see if Anderson's

actually providing the school
with what he's getting money for.

Why can't you ask
one of your parents to go?

My mom lives out of district,
and my dad would know I'm up to something.

Just like how Kimberly would know
you're up to something

if I came out as your fake boyfriend.

You wouldn't do that to us.
We're committed.

What's your deal with Anderson anyway?

Why do you want to take him down so badly?

Do you know our mascot
used to be the Chiefs?

Which, you know, didn't exactly fill some
of our student body with school spirit.

Because it perpetuates
negative stereotypes.

Anderson fought me
on changing the mascot all last year.

Basically said it was cheaper
for the school to stay racist.

Yeah, not exactly his biggest fan.

Well, obviously, Anderson stinks
and deserves to be taken down.

But if I agree to this,
we get adults and lawyers involved, okay?

We do not go public.

It's the only way
to avoid collateral damage.

Can you do it or not?

My mom thrives at a good old-fashioned
school board meeting.

But only if you like live entertainment
and vegan options.

Ooh, don't open it over here.

Open it by the trash.

I look forward to your RSVP.

Mrs. Woods.

This isn't a personal networking forum.

Please take your seat.
The board meeting's about to begin.

Of course.

It's so good of you to remind me.

Again.

The dress code is "upscale terrace."

I know you got that, Andrew.

"Dean Wilson."

Hello, there. Eva Woods.

Which you would know
if I put adhesive on bouclé.

You're a new face.

My husband and I are new to Medina.

Uh, what neighborhood did you move into?

You know, I don't know.

It's walking distance
from that bakery with the mini quiches.

- Beaucoup Bake Shop?
- Yes.

Yes. Why aren't all quiches mini?

That is what my husband said.

- Mm.
- I don't know.

I do love your little elbow patches.

Now, do you teach English
or are your elbows just prone to friction?

- Uh, neither, actually. I am--
- Dean?

Ah. If you'll excuse me?

Eva, it was lovely to meet you.

Lovely to meet you, too.

Oh...

Parents and teachers,
before we start the meeting,

it is my distinct pleasure to introduce
Medina's new mayoral candidate:

current superintendent Dean Wilson.

Thank you, Eric,
Principal Shane Anderson

and the Rainier West School Board
for their political endorsement.

Mayoral candidate in Converse?

...and I intend to stay committed

to providing quality education as mayor.

When I began serving
as your district superintendent...

Just remind people to RSVP.

...that I would improve academic...

Hey. How'd it go in there?

Still don't understand how
this will get you extra credit in Econ.

Oh, you know, number stuff.

Uh, were you able
to unload some invites in there?

Yes, but I now am completely rethinking
my dress code.

The man running for mayor

looked like an extra
from Dead Poets Society.

Nobody blinked an eye.

Oh, God--

Wait.

Is that that skater?

Um...

- Hi.
- Hi.

Why are you on my car?

You know, your Benz is pretty cozy
when it's not mowing me down.

Uh, Mom, this is Dustin...

...my-my Econ partner.

Hey, as previously discussed,

the contents of this stays between us
till we commit to a plan.

This is yours.

Now I understand
why you need that extra credit.

Oh, well, see you, Elle.

Do let me know
if you want to try any more heroin.

I really worry about you
lowering your standards to fit in.

Are you kidding me?

Dustin's done a lot for this school.
If anything, I don't meet his standards.

- Oh, that's not a bad thing.
- You don't even know him.

I know enough
based on my limited interactions with him.

Well, there's more to a person
than a first impression.

I'm just trying to make sure
that my daughter doesn't make a mistake--

Well, your daughter's a slut.

That is absolutely not true.

You've never even kissed a boy before.
You have your criteria.

Well, someone wrote it on my locker.

- What?
- In Sharpie. And I wanted

to tell you about it,
but you've been so obsessed

with rehabbing our family's reputation
with gay men and exploding confetti,

I was scared it would
give you a heart attack.

Oh, honey.

These children are pale on purpose.

They don't know anything.
You're gonna find your friends.

You just have to audition a few new faces
before committing to anyone.

That's the whole reason
we're having our garden party.

You know what, Mom?
I'm not going to your party.

What are you talking about?

I'm going to Kimberly's pool party

with Dustin the heroin junkie
who likes sluts.

So, don't worry,
your slutty daughter

won't ruin your perfect party
with her slutty face.

Get in the car before TCBY closes.

♪ Do you really think so? ♪

♪ Do you really think so? ♪

We should probably discuss
some ground rules while we're here.

No extended eye contact, no innuendo.

You can call me "Elle" or "babe,"

but I'm open to a more unique pet name
if you have one.

Maybe "Elle of the Ball"?

"H-elle"?

You came.

In a bikini.

Oh, I see we're still committing
to this fake relationship.

Has she let you kiss her yet?

Apparently,
she has very specific conditions.

Let's go, Dust Bunny.

Lead the way, uh, Elle-A.

That actually wasn't bad.

Uh, what conditions was she talking about?

For you, the apocalypse.

Now, I'll let you go change
and I'll wait for you by the pool.

- Change into what?
- Your bathing--

♪ Black hole sun ♪

♪ won't you come ♪

♪ and wash away the rain? ♪

♪ Black hole sun ♪

♪ won't you come? ♪

♪ Won't you come? ♪

♪ Black hole sun, won't you come...

I thought this was a pool party.

Yeah, I think that means
something different here in Seattle.

I would've told you,
but I didn't actually invite you.

♪ Won't you come? ♪

♪ Won't you come...

Why didn't you tell me
I was dressed crazy?

I thought it was an L.A. thing.

♪ Won't you come? ♪♪

Hi.

Hi.

Armand, darling,
reach me a few of these, will you?

Hi. I don't think the guests realize
the champagne is real.

I've had several requests for beer.

- Ah.
- Thank you.

Is that Mary from the dog park?

Ha-cha-cha.

Yeah. Probably didn't recognize me
without a poop bag in my hand, am I right?

Let's put this in your hand instead.

It's from Côte des Blancs.

No, thank you. Uh, actually,
I was just on the hunt for some carbs.

Uh, the radish canapés are...

boy, are they refreshing, but, uh,
it's not exactly soaking up my buzz,

if you know what I mean.

Well, isn't that the whole idea, though?

To just buzz off into oblivion?

'Cause the real world? Blech.

Ugh.

I hate the world.

Um, but seriously,
do you have any bread rolls or anything?

Because...

you don't actually want
to buzz off into oblivion,

because you have to wake up tomorrow
and do things.

Oh, God, it didn't even occur to me
to provide bread.

Hey, no, it's okay. It's fine.

It's fine. Uh, I will grab some blinis
from the caviar.

I don't know
how I dropped the ball like that.

Um, we have oatmeal.

So, just stay put and I will have the chef
prepare you some.

Okay. Ugh, gross.

I don't... Thanks.

Please tell the chef
to boil some water, stat.

Oh, mayoral hopeful Dean Wilson, you came.

What a pleasure.

Uh, November 7, get out and vote.

Join the Dean Team.

I just coined that, but you can have it.

I appreciate the plug.

Well, if you hadn't come, I would have had
to declare a state of emergency.

Mayors do that, right?

Yes.

I think.

Honestly, something
I should get confirmation on.

Um, I wanted to get out
and get some face time

- with the voters.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, let them know
that there's a candidate out there

who doesn't just serve the elite.

Well, if you are looking for salt
of the earth, you came to the right place.

Honey, the chef accidentally seared
the foie gras on both sides.

Do you want them to toss it?

- Excuse us for just one sec.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Okay, Elle...

Okay. Stay positive.

Everything is great.

What?

Oh, no.

I'm in the belly of the beast.

Um...

This is Kimberly's room?

Oh, okay.

Okay, just move this... put this away.

Okay.

Liz.

- Hi, it's Donna...
- And Liz.

...and we're out
getting matching tattoos.

- Mom, stop.
- All right, fine, we're boring.

- Leave a message anyway.

Liz? Hi.

I'm at Kimberly's party, in a bikini.

So, obviously
I hid myself in her room

because I was scared
what people would think.

Then it dawned on me
why I like you so much.

You don't care.

Like, about anything.

How you dress, how you act.

You write a zine that almost no one reads

and you totally rock
the whole Lizbian thing...

...which I'm realizing now
I probably shouldn't be saying

on your answering machine.

So, I need you to teach me
how to not care.

And also, please bring me
my emergency party outfit.

My mom can show you the one.

Preferably now.

And at Kimberly's.

Oh, this is Elle, by the way.

Elle Woods. From English class.

- Oh, and tell your mom I said--

I don't know why
you won't give that girl a chance.

This is her leaving a message.

- Imagine her in person.
- I know her in person.

I have worked at Rainier West High
for 20 years.

I know the names of all my students,
and their allergies.

You know, Elle was the only one

who called to check on me
when I got fired.

She had known me a week.

Imagine her as an actual friend.

...'cause it's grown
exponentially, month over month.

We have definitely proven that it works.

I mean, all of which to say that
we're waiting for our series B funding.

- The CEO is really stressed...
- Right.

...about the valuation,
so now he's riding everyone's ass.

He sounds like my trainer.
His name's not Billy Blanks, is it?

It's John.

Right.

Well, computer stuff
is so important, Craig. I--

Well, it's more like
an online classifieds section--

Do you have any pictures of your children?

Uh, actually, I-I just realized
I left my wallet in my car.

Which I handed over to a total stranger.

- Oh...
- Do you know where they parked it?

I will have the valet bring it out front.

What kind of car do you drive?

- I-I can grab my own keys.
- No, no, no.

That's the valet's job, Craig.

Your job is to enjoy yourself.

Eat.

Drink.

Mingle.

Hi. Can you give us a minute, please?

Thanks.

- What are you doing?
- I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing.

In L.A., my prowess as a hostess
put Kathy Hilton to shame,

and now I'm completely out of my element.

They want bread, they want beer,

they can park themselves.

You talk about them
like they're from another planet.

I want them to like me.

Well, they will like you, because
you're you, not because of all this.

Fine. You host.

I have to go see
if Beaucoup delivers baguettes.

Have you seen Elle?

She probably left.

Oh, and you can drop the ruse now.

- What do you mean?
- Oh, come on,

she's obviously not your girlfriend.

I mean, if you're trying
to get in on that, good luck.

She's never even kissed a guy.

Well, that's-that's not
what her locker says.

Hey, look, Elle is a social climber
who thinks she can skip a few rungs,

and you're the one
she's currently standing on, FYI.

I don't know what you're digging for here.

She's cute, she's funny,
we get each other.

I don't know
what's so complicated about that.

Wait, you don't actually like her, do you?

You know,
maybe if you were a little less mean,

you'd have a boyfriend, too.

Elle?

Elle? Where are you?

Liz?

I'm over here.

Okay.

Wait, where's my-my vinyl mini
and pastel Guess sweater?

I didn't bring them.

Very funny. Where are they?

I'm serious.

Okay. It's fine.

It's fine. Plan B.

I'll just borrow something of Kim--

What is this?

Where are Kimberly's clothes?

These are her clothes.

What?

She changes at school.

If her parents saw what she actually
wears, they'd send her to military school.

Well, now who's the poser?

It actually makes me kind of sad.

Okay, well,
I've never worn a gingham jumper before,

but desperate times...

All right, stop touching her shit, okay?

I came empty-handed on purpose.

You said you didn't want to care,
so don't care.

Wear that.

I can't wear this.

There's already a floating rumor
that I'm an S-L-Utah.

Okay, who said that?

Who do you think?

Okay.

Here are the facts.

At one point in your life,
you saw that bikini on a shelf.

Right? You bought that bikini.

You wore that bikini today. Why?

Because one-pieces leave weird tan lines.

Because you think you look good.

The key to not caring about what other
people think is to own what you think.

Be your own self.

Flaunt it if you want.

♪ You say ♪

♪ I only hear what I want to ♪♪

Go.

Good job, girls.

That sounded really good, you guys.

Mind if I go next?

♪ Take this pink ribbon off my eyes ♪

♪ I'm exposed, and it's no big surprise ♪

♪ Don't you think I know exactly
where I stand? ♪

♪ This world is forcing me
to hold your hand ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm just a girl ♪

♪ oh, little old me ♪

♪ Well, don't let me out of your sight ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I'm just a girl ♪
- ♪ I'm just a girl ♪

♪ all pretty and petite ♪

♪ so don't let me
have any rights ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I've had it up to here ♪

They're so cute together.

I didn't realize they were together.

I think it's new.

♪ I'm just a girl ♪

Dustin doesn't really seem
like her type, does he?

♪ I'm just a girl in the world ♪

♪ That's all that you'll ♪

♪ let me be ♪

♪ Oh, I'm just a girl ♪

♪ what's my destiny? ♪

♪ What I've succumbed to
is making me numb ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I've had it up to ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I've had it up to ♪

- ♪ Oh ♪♪
- ♪ All ♪

♪ You're my wonderwall ♪

♪ I said maybe ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ You're gonna be the one that saves me ♪

♪ Saves me ♪

♪ And after all ♪

♪ you're my wonderwall...

- One more time.
- ♪ I said maybe ♪

- ♪ Said maybe ♪
- Yeah.

♪ You're gonna be the one that saves me ♪

- ♪ That saves me ♪
- Yeah.

♪ And after all ♪

Bring it home.

♪ You're my wonderwall ♪♪

Elle! Elle! Elle!

Elle! Elle! Elle!

Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle,

Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle,

Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle,
Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle,

Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle...

I'm glad you stayed.

Sorry for running away.

But you could have warned me
about my outfit fail.

Sorry.

But to be fair, I'm never gonna
tell a girl to look less hot.

Thanks.

That's, uh, Dustin, huh?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, it's new.

I guess I didn't really know
about you and Shannon, right?

Yeah, not so new. Two years.

- Um...
- Uh, could I ask you something? Uh...

It's-it's stupid.

Did I, like, do something wrong?

Uh...

No.

No, I mean, it's fine.

I mean, how could you?

We barely know each other, right?

We both just found out
we have romantic counterparts.

Right.

Uh, speaking of, I should probably go...

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- ...find mine.

Uh...

- Oh, my God.
- Genuine criminality.

Stealing from
every single one of us. Seriously, guys.

Fantastic. Yeah. There you go.

- Dusty?
- Talking about it on Friday.

Honey, what are you doing?

Taking money from the school,

- and this is just the stuff we know about.
- Dustin, stop.

- Everything that's going on--
- I said stop.

What the hell, Elle-A?

You lied to me.

She is pissed at you, bro.

What are you doing?

I thought we agreed to lawyers.

No.

You agreed to lawyers.

And, uh, maybe in L.A.,

they do the hard work for you,
but not here.

Doesn't work like that here.

If we want to get anything done,
we'll have to stand up for ourselves.

But you don't even know what you're doing.

Really? The school budget

claims to employ
three maintenance workers on staff.

Didn't Martindale tell you
they only had one?

Yes, which is why my locker
couldn't get de-slutted.

The school budget
is full of bogus expenses,

like $5,000 for tater tots?

I've been at that school three years,

and not once have I seen
a tater tot at Rainier West High.

You want to blow the whistle
on a tater tot conspiracy?

Did you know that Donna's salary
is still listed on the budget?

The temp presumably makes
a fraction of what she earned.

Where's that money going?
Why was she even fired?

- Donna was fired because of me.
- Maybe she wasn't.

Maybe it was an easy way
to free up some excess cash.

Look, if we're sitting on a huge scandal,

we need to mobilize
the whole school right now.

Wait, is that why you were so willing
to come with me to this party?

To use me as access to an audience.

Unlike how you used me?

To, uh, what?

Prove you don't have a crush
on your friend's boyfriend?

I didn't even know they were dating.

- So, why am I here?
- As an additional measure of security

in case I got awkward
and some of my crush leaked out.

So, you do like him.

Look, I do care about this school, okay?

And I'm not trying to get in your way,
but this isn't about me.

It's about me.

I live just outside
the Rainier West school district,

but Anderson lets me go there anyway.

My mom's worried about
anyone digging up dirt on him,

because if he goes,
I might get kicked out.

Elle's trying to protect me.

Thank you.

Duh.

You want a ride?

Yes, please.

How was the pool party?

Terrible.

There wasn't even water in the pool.

- And you were wearing--
- Yep.

- After they called you--
- Yep.

It's just so gauche.

I bet no one even uses that word
in 20 years.

Like that dinky little online bookstore

Craig's friend kept going on and on about.

Skater Boy didn't walk you to the door?

Dustin and I aren't moving forward.

He broke my trust.

Honey, I'm sorry.

But you can do better.

Come meet the neighbors.

Oh, look who I found.

Oh. You must be Elle.

- Hi.
- I'm Chad Cohen.

- Charlie.
- Elle. Woods.

- Sorry again for being so late.
- Are you kidding me?

The main reason to throw a party
is to get to the after-party.

Uh, Chad and Charlie live
with their son down the street.

Oh. That's nice.

Hey.

Hi.

Uh, do the adults want
to open this in the back?

Or do people want beer?

Beer? Wow. I didn't realize
you were running a frat house, Eva.

Wyatt, we have found our people!

- Come on.
- Nice to meet you.

What do you all feel about
the Hugh Grant scandal?

'Cause I... but I don't think
he's coming back from it.

Well, now,
I just thought he was British.

So, the gay couple across the street
my mom's obsessed with?

It's my dads. Yeah.

Which makes you my neighbor.

- I can leave if you want me to--
- No, no. You can stay.

I'm sorry about earlier.

You were right.
I was being a little weird.

- No.
- Cheers.

Cheers.

- Welcome to the neighborhood.
- Thank you so much.

I guess it's gonna be harder
to avoid me now, though.

"If Cosmo Girls are like cake,

then cake, by definition,

is made up of many ingredients.

So shouldn't what makes us 'us'
consist of many words?

Xena isn't just a warrior

or just a princess.

And for all we know,
Buffy could be slaying kittens

without the appropriate qualifier.

Sorry, Cosmo, but I refuse
to write this essay on your terms.

I am a constant work in progress.

And I am not about to brand Elle Woods
as any one word."

♪ Twenty-five years and my life is still ♪

♪ trying to get up
that great big hill of hope ♪

♪ for a destination ♪

♪ I realized quickly
when I knew I should ♪

♪ that the world was made up
of this brotherhood of man ♪

♪ For whatever that means ♪

♪ And so, I cry sometimes
when I'm lying in bed ♪

♪ just to get it all out,
what's in my head ♪♪