All language subtitles for Dogma 1999 REMASTERED 1080p BluRay HEVC x265 5.1 BONE_Subtitles01.ENG

[circus music plays]

[dramatic music plays]

[bell chimes]

[humming
Beethoven's "Ode To Joy"]

[fly buzzes]

[flies buzzing]

[dramatic music plays]

Unh.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
the driving force

behind Catholicism Wow!--
Cardinal Glick.

[murmuring]

Thank you, thank you.
Now, we all know

how the majority
and the media in this country

view the Catholic church.

They think of us as a passé,
archaic institution.

People find the Bible
obtuse, even hokey.

Now, in an effort
to disprove all that,

the church
has appointed this year

as a time of renewal,

both of faith and of style.

-For example, the crucifix.
[organ music plays]

While it has been a time-honored
symbol of our faith,

Holy Mother Church
has decided to retire

this highly recognizable,
yet wholly depressing, image

of our Lord crucified.

Christ didn't come to Earth
to give us the willies.

He came to help us out.
He was a booster,

and it's with that take
on our Lord in mind

that we've come up with
a new, more inspiring sigil.

So, it is with great pleasure
that | present you

with the first of many revamps

the Catholicism Wow! campaign

will unveil
over the next year.

| give you The Buddy Christ.

[organ music crescendos]

[murmuring]

CHOIR: J Hallelujah S

~A-Amen J

That's not the sanctioned term
we're using for the symbol.

Just something we've been
kicking around the office.

But look at it.

Doesn't it pop?

Buddy Christ.

Well, there you have it.
Cardinal Glick...

Let me get this straight.
You don't believe in God

because
of Alice in Wonderland?

No, Through the Looking Glass.

That poem, "The Walrus
and the Carpenter,"

that's an indictment
of organized religion.

The walrus, with his girth
and his good nature,

he obviously represents
either Buddha

or-or with his tusks,

the Hindu elephant god--
Lord Ganesha.

That takes care
of your eastern religions.

Now, the carpenter,

which is an obvious reference
to Jesus Christ,

who was raised
a carpenter's son,

he represents
the western religions.

Now, in the poem,
what do they do?

What do they do? They-They dupe
all these oysters

into following them

and then proceed
to shuck and devour

the helpless creatures
en masse.

| don't know what
that says to you, but to me,

it says that
following these faiths

based on mythological figures

ensures the destruction
of one's inner-being.

Organized religion
destroys who we are

by inhibiting our actions,
by inhibiting our decisions

out of-out of fear of some--
some intangible parent figure

who-who shakes a finger at us
from thousands of years ago

and says-and says, "Do it...

Do it
and I'll fuckin’ spank you."

-Oh, jeez.
-The way you put it,

I've never thought about it
like that before.

What have | been doing
with my life?

-What am Il...
-Yeah, | know.

Listen, my advice to you--
you take this money

that you've been
collecting for your parish--

go get yourself a nice dress,
you know, fix yourself up.

Find some man,
find some woman

that you can connect with,
even for a moment

‘cause that's really
all that life is, Sister--

it's a series of moments.

Why don't you seize yours?

That a girl. That a girl.

You know, here's what
| don't get about you.

You know for a fact
that there is a god.

You've been in his presence.
He's spoken to you personally.

Yet | just heard you
claim to be atheist.

| like to fuck
with the clergy, man.

| just love it. | love to keep
those guys on their toes.

Man, now here's what
| don't get about you.

Why do you feel the need

to come to this place
all the time?

My friend, because
this is humanity at its best.

Look at them. All that anger,

all that mistrust,
all that unhappiness

forgotten for that
one perfect moment

when they get off the plane.

See those two?
What that guy doesn't know

is that the girl cheated on him
while she was away.

-She did?
-Twice.

-Nice.
-It doesn't matter right now

‘cause they're both so relieved
to be with one another.

| like that. | wish they could
all feel that way more often.

Is this why | had
to come down here this morning?

This why | had to miss
my fucking cartoons?

You call me, you tell me
it's important, you know.

What, to share in
your half-ass obsession

-with Hallmark moments?
-We're going home.

Somebody sent us this
in the mail.

Take it, man,
and quit leering at me.

People are gonna think
| just broke up with you.

You did say we're going home,
didn't you?

Read.

"Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon
On Catholicism Wow! Campaign."

And?

You have to keep reading.

"The re-dedication
of St. Michael's Church..."

.AS the kickoff
of a new campaign

which seeks to bring
Catholicism into the mainstream.

With a papal sanction,
the archway entrance

of the century-old
Jersey shore house of worship

will serve as a passageway
of plenary indulgence,

a little-known Catholic belief
which offers

all that passes through
its arches

a morally clean slate.

For Sunday News Brief,
I'm Grant Hicks.

Wait. So all | gotta do,
| walk through the arch thing,

-and then | can go back home?
-No.

By walking through the archway,
all your sins are forgiven.

Then all we have to do is die.

Die? | don't wanna die.

You rather hang around here
for a few more years?

No. We don't even know
if we can die.

All right, but what if we can

and then the arch thing
doesn't work?

-What then? Hell? Fuck that.
-It's impossible.

-Fuck that.
-lf we cut off our wings

and transubstantiate
to complete human form,

we become mortal.
If we die with clean souls,

there's no way
they can keep us out.

We won't be angels anymore,

but at least
we get to go home.

-Who sent the paper?
-Who cares who sent the paper?

All that matters
is that after all these years,

we found a loophole.
He can't keep us out anymore.

Once we get back in, I'm sure
he'll just forgive and forget.

But this thing is--
this is-this is church law.

It's not divine mandate.

Church laws are fallible
‘cause they're created by man.

One of the last sacred promises
imparted to Peter,

the first pope,
by the Son of God before he left

was...

"Whatever you hold true
on Earth..."

"I'll hold true in heaven."

It's dogmatic law.

lf the church says it's so,
God must adhere.

This thing
has a papal sanction.

Let it never be said

that your anal-retentive
attention to detail

never yielded
positive results.

You can't be anal retentive

if you don't have an anus.

Outstanding work.

There's one thing | think
we gotta do before we leave.

This is gonna help us
get back on his good side.

What?

Here. I've been dreaming
about this for five years.

Read that.

"Mooby, the Golden Calf.

Creating an Empire
Out of Simplicity."

| wanna hit 'em.

You really are
just a simple creature.

We finally find a way back,
and you want to jeopardize that

‘cause you've got a soft spot
for the good ol' days.

Hey, what better way to repent

than by resuming the position

| once denied,
thanks to you.

| really don't think
a killing spree

is gonna make things better
for us.

Killing spree? I'm talking
about divine justice here.

I'm talking about
raining down fire and brimstone,

punishing the wicked.
He's all about that.

-| know he'd want this done.
-There hasn't been

an Angel of Death
since you quit.

Doesn't that
mean anything to you?

Besides, what if you're wrong
like you always are?

If I'm wrong, which I'm not,
it's not gonna matter.

We're gonna pass through
your arch thing anyway.

We're gonna be forgiven.
No harm, no foul.

Well, he does hate competition.

| will say that.
And your Mooby

certainly
falls under that heading.

All right, where is this church
we have to go to?

New Jersey.

Re-dedication ceremony's
in four days.

Last four days on Earth? Mm.

If | had a dick,
I'd go get laid.

We can do the next best thing.

-What's that?
-Let's kill people.

Oh, not you.

[dramatic music plays]

The greater Illinois Chapter
of the Right to Life Foundation

will be holding
its biannual softball game

against the Cook County
Pro-Choice League

next Sunday at 2:00.

Today's second collection

will be donated to
the John Doe Jersey Life Fund.

For those of you who haven't
been following the news,

an unidentified homeless man,

who was accosted
and severely beaten

at the New Jersey shore
last Tuesday,

lies in critical,
but stable condition,

in one of that area's hospitals.

He lacks identification,

and police have had no luck

tracking down
any possible family.

The archbishop
of the Trenton diocese

has disputed
the state's decision

to remove the indigent man
from life-support systems,

asking that Catholics
all over the country

join in this protest
against euthanasia.

Well, now please rise
for the recession of faith.

We believe in one God,
the Father Almighty.

Maker of heaven and earth.

We believe in Jesus Christ,
his only Son, our Lord...

[overlapping chatter]

Hey, choose life.

You're gonna burn in hell,
ya fuckin’ baby killer.

Tell her, Steve Dave.

Holy shit. It's the pope.

-Huh?
-Where?

Hey, what are you talking about?

[overlapping chatter]

J On a Monday,
a Monday, a Monday J

J Is very, very good J

[telephone rings]

Jesus. You're Catholic.

-Can't you talk to them?
[radio playing]

They hate me more, no doubt.
Least you have an excuse.

You're Jewish.
You don't know any better.

| don't think
they're gonna go for that one.

We already used that excuse
when we killed Christ.

So where were you yesterday?
A bunch of us went to brunch.

| went to church.

That still kills me,
you and church.

If only they knew
your weekly tithing

came from
a Planned Parenthood check.

| don't know why
| still go, Liz.

| could remember going to church
when | was young

and being moved.

Now | sit there every Sunday,
and | feel nothing.

| don't think
| have any faith left.

Remember that seminary student
who used to mow my lawns?

The one | tried
to set you up with?

Mm. The 20-year-old.

The one | could have babysat for
in high school.

Right. Well, the point is,
he told me something.

He said that faith
is like a glass of water.

When you're young,
the glass is little,

so it's easy to fill.

As you get older,
the glass gets bigger.

The same amount of liquid
doesn't fill it anymore.

But periodically,
the glass has to be refilled.

You're suggesting
| need to get filled?

In more ways than one.

You need to get laid,
Bethany Sloane.

You need a man,
if only for ten minutes.

It's been my experience
that the average male

is never a man,
not even for ten minutes

in his entire lifespan.

That sounds
a little bit militant.

Are you thinking
of joining the other side?

Couldn't do it.
Women are insane.

Then you need
to go back to church

and ask God
for a third option.

| think God is dead.

The sign of a true Catholic.

[hums]

[doorbell rings]

[demons shriek]

Good afternoon,
Missus... Reynolds.

I'm from the EPA.

We're checking
on possible Freon leaks.

Tell me, do you
have air conditioning?

Yes, we have central air.

In every room?

Except the bathroom. Why?

Oh, well, you do know
what that means, don't you?

[thud; gasps]

Uh-oh.

Move.

No pleasure, no rapture,

no exquisite sin
greater than central air.

Pick that up.

This will be
the base of operations

from here on in.

Now, if | remember
the protocol correctly,

the powers

will attempt to contact
the last scion.

| need you three

to shuffle her loose
the mortal coil.

Go.

[dramatic music plays]

-Ah.
[body falls]

Behold the Metatron,
herald of the Almighty

and voice of the one true God.

Behold the Metatron,
herald of the Almighty

and voice of the one true God.

Behold the Metatron,
herald of the Almighty

and voice of the one true G--

[coughs]

Sweet Jesus. Do you
have to use the whole can?

Who the fuck are you
and what the fuck

-are you doing in my room?
-I'm the one that's soaked,

and she's the one that's surly.
That's rich.

St-- Fucking Christ.

Get the fuck
out of here... now!

Or you'll do what exactly?

Hit me with that fish?

[thud]

Now just sit down on the bed
and shut up.

Jesus wept.

Look at my suit.

Look, take whatever you want,
but don't kill or rape me.

Oh, give over, will you?

| couldn't rape you
if | wanted to.

Angels are ill-equipped.

See?

I'm as anatomically impaired
as a Ken doll.

Now make yourself useful.
Give me that towel, will you?

Honestly, you bottom-feeders
and your arrogance.

You think everybody's trying
to get in your knickers.

What are you?

I'm pissed off is what | am.
Do you go around

drenching everybody
that comes into your room

with flame-retardant chemicals?

No wonder you're single.

Stand back.

[dramatic music plays]

As | was sayin’

prior to
your firefighting episode...

|! am the Metatron.

Don't tell me the name
doesn't ring a bell.

You people. If there
isn't a movie about it,

it's not worth knowing,
is it?

lam a seraphim.

The highest choir of angels.

You do know
what an angel is, don't you?

Metatron
acts as the voice of God.

Any documented occasion
when some yahoo

claims that God
has spoken to them,

they're speaking to me.

Or they're
talking to themselves.

Why doesn't God
speak for himself?

Glad you decided
to join the conversation.

To answer that,
human beings

have neither the aural
nor the psychological capacity

to withstand the awesome power
of God's true voice.

Were you to hear it,
your mind would cave in,

and your heart would explode
within your chest.

We went through five Adams
before we figured that one out.

Well, how do | know
you're an angel?

You mean aside
from the fiery entrance

and the expansive wingspan?

You want more proof?

Fine.

How about tequila?

[Latin music plays]

Where the hell are we?

Only place you can go
for a good tequila.

Dos tequilas, por favor,
and an empty glass.

-Si.
-Gracias, sefor.

We're in Mexico?

We're in the franchised
Mexican family eatery

down the street
from your apartment,

but it's impressive
nonetheless.

You don't mind that | lost
the wings, do you?

I'm trying to keep
our profile low.

What do you want with me?

I'm to charge you
with a holy crusade.

For the record,
| work in an abortion clinic.

Noah was a drunk.
Look what he accomplished.

And no one's asking you
to build an ark.

All you gotta do
is go to New Jersey

and visit a small church
on a very important day.

Oh, gracias.

New Jersey.

That doesn't sound
like much of a crusade.

Aside from the fine print,
that's it.

What's the fine print?

Stop a couple of angels
from entering

and thus negating
all existence.

Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.

Stop a couple of angels
from entering

and thus negating
all existence.

| hate it when people
need it spelled out for them.

You might want to clarify that.

Back in the old days,

God was vengeful
and hot-tempered.

And his wrath was bore

by the Angel of Death
name of Loki.

When Sodom and Gomorrah
was destroyed, that was Loki.

When the waters
wiped out everything

with the exception of Noah
and his menagerie,

that was Loki,
and he was good at what he did.

But one day, he refused
to bear God's wrath any longer.

-Why?
-He listened to his friend,

a Grigoriot
by the name of Bartleby.

-Grigoriot?
-One of the choirs of angels.

They're called watchers.

Guess what they do.

So one day, Loki's wiping out
all the firstborn of Egypt...

Ah, the tenth plague.

Tell a person
that you're the Metatron,

and they stare at you blankly.

Mention something
out of a Charlton Heston movie,

and suddenly,
everybody's a theology scholar.

May | continue uninterrupted?

Once he's done
with the firstborn,

Loki takes his friend
Bartleby out

for a post-slaughter drink.

And over many rounds,

they get into this discussion
about whether or not

murder in the name of God
is okay.

And in the end,

Bartleby convinces Loki
to quit his position

and take one
which doesn't involve slaughter.

So...

..very inebriated,

Loki tells God he quits,

throws down his fiery sword,

and gives him the finger.

Which ruins it
for the rest of us

because
from that day forward,

God decreed that angels
could no longer imbibe alcohol.

Hence all the spitting.

So, for their insolence,

God decreed
that neither Loki nor Bartleby

would ever be allowed
back into paradise.

Were they sent to hell?

Worse. Wisconsin.

For the entire span
of human history.

And when the world ends,
they'll have to sit

outside the gates
for all eternity.

And this has what to do with me?

Someone has clued them in

to a loophole
in Catholic dogma

that would allow them
to re-enter heaven.

So what? They beat the system.
Good for them.

It's not that simple.
If they get in,

they will have reversed
God's decree.

Listen closely 'cause this bit's
very important.

Existence,

in all its form and splendor,

function solely
on one principle--

God is infallible.

To prove him wrong

would undo reality
and everything that is.

Up would become down,
black would become white.

Existence
would become nothingness.

In essence...

. if they're allowed
to enter that church...

[ominous music plays]

... they'll unmake the world.

If this is so major,
why are you talking to me?

Why doesn't God
do something about it?

He could.
But he'd rather see you

take care of this one
personally.

Why me?

Because of who you are.

And who am I?

The girl in the pjs.

Don't ask so many questions.
Just serve your purpose.

I'm gonna have to pass.

[swallows]

| beg your pardon?

When some quiet little infection

destroyed my uterus,
where was God?

When my husband decided
he couldn't be with a wife

who couldn't bear his children,
where was God?

[background chatter]

To hell with Him.

Don't allow eons
of history and life

to get blinked out of being

just 'cause you've got a grudge
against your creator.

So you lost the ability
to make life.

You're being offered the chance
to play mother to the world

by acting like one
and protecting it, saving it.

But | can't make you.

However, if you should decide
to stop being selfish

and accept
your responsibility...

... you won't be alone.

You'll have support.

What? More angels?

Prophets.

In a manner of speaking.

Two of ‘em.

The one who speaks...

..and he will,
at great length,

whether
you want him to or not,

will make mention of himself
as a prophet.

The other one,
well, he's the quiet type.

Look, | gotta go.
Just try and remember

we're working
in a timeframe here.

[clicks tongue]

Hey.

What's he like?

God?

Lonely... but funny.

He's got a great sense of humor.

Take sex, for example.
There's nothing funnier

than the ridiculous faces
you people make mid-coitus.

-Sex is a joke in heaven?
-The way | understand it,

it's mostly a joke
down here, too.

I'll see ya.

[rooster crows]
-Oh.

MAN: The New Zoo Revue.

[indistinct chatter]

Please, Chas, keep him tied up.

[turns off radio]

[rattles]

[beeping]

[flies buzz]

[sinister music plays]

Aah.

[flies buzz]

[tapping sticks]

Aah. Aah.

Snootch
to the motherfucking nootch!

[heroic music plays]

Go back to your paper routes,
you Mighty Duck fucks!

Snoogans.

Did you see that shit, man?
| Know they were just kids,

but we kicked
their fucking pube-less asses.

| don't know what to say
or think, except...

That you'll offer us sex
as a reward?

Um, that I'd like to know
who they and you are.

I'm Jay, and this
my hetero life mate--Silent Bob.

| don't know
who those kids were,

but they would have kicked
yours and Munchbox's asses

if | hadn't represented.

Well, thanks
for being out here so late.

Wait a minute.
Are you protestors?

You mean those dickheads
with the signs

and pictures of dead babies?

Shit, no. Me and Silent Bob
are pro-choice.

Woman's body
is her own fucking business.

But what are you doing
hanging around?

We're here to pick up chicks.

-Excuse me?
-We figure abortion clinics

are a good place
to meet loose women.

Why else would they be here
unless they like to fuck?

Right.

Well, | should be going.
Thanks for the rescue, | think.

W-W-Wait a second.
We just saved your ass,

and you're just gonna take off.
What the shit is that?

| had a really weird night
last night,

and tonight's not shaping up
to be any better.

| think | should go home,
take some Percocet and lay down.

[keys rattle]
-Now, how about that shit?

Fuck this town, man.
I'm goin’ back to Jersey

and startin’ up
the business again.

| can kick the shit
out of little kids in Red Bank

and make myself a profit.

[ding]
-Prophets. Two of ‘em.

You know what I'm sayin’,
Silent Bob? Fuck ‘em...

You gotta be kidding me.

We call this piece
"The Fecalator."

One look at it, and the target
shits him or herself.

Try it on.

It's a lot more compact
than the flaming sword,

but it's not
nearly as impressive.

It doesn't have that

wrath of the Almighty
edge to it.

How are we
supposed to strike fear

into the hearts of the wicked

with this thing?

Look at this.

Well, then, you know,
don't use a gun.

Lay the place to waste-like.

Easy for you to say.
You get off light in a razing.

You got to stand there
and read at Sodom and Gomorrah.

-| had to do all the work.
[cocks hammer]

What work did you do?
You lit a few fires.

| rained down sulfur, man.
There's a subtle difference.

-Oh, okay, I'm sure.
-Hey, you know, fuck you, man.

Any moron with a pack of matches
can set a fire.

Raining down sulfur
is like an endurance trial.

Mass genocide's
the most exhausting activity

one can engage in
next to soccer.

I'll take this one.

[Perry Como's
"Magic Moments" plays]

[crunches]

J Magic moments...

-Ahem.
-So, what's up?

You have a friend
for Silent Bob,

or are you gonna do us both?
If so, I'm first.

| hate sloppy seconds.

You're a man of principle.

Jersey's pretty far
from McHenry.

May | ask
what brought you here?

Some fuck named John Hughes.

Sixteen Candles
John Hughes?

You know that guy, too?
That fuckin’ guy.

He made this flick
Sixteen Candles. Not bad.

There's tits in it, but no bush.
But Ebert over here

don't give a shit
about that kind of thing

‘cause he's, like, all in love
with this John Hughes guy.

Goes out and rents,
like, every one of his movies.

Fuckin’ Breakfast Club,

where all theses stupid kids
actually show up for detention.

Fuckin' Weird Science,

where this babe wants to take
her gear off and get down,

but, oh, no, she don''t,
because it's a PG movie.

And then Pretty in Pink,

which | can't even watch
with this tubby bitch anymore

‘cause every time
it gets to the part

where the redhead
hooks up with her dream guy,

he starts sobbin'
like a little bitch

with a skinned knee
and shit.

And there's nothing worse

than watchin’
a fuckin’ fat man weep.

What exactly
brought you to Illinois?

See, all these movies
take place in this small town

called Shermer in Illi-noise,

where all the honeys
are top-shelf,

but all the dudes
are whiny pussies.

Except for Judd Nelson.
He was fuckin" harsh.

But best of all,
there is no one dealin’, man.

Then it hits me.
We could live like fat rats

if we were the blunt connection
in Shermer, Illi-noise.

So we collected some money
we were owed and caught a bus.

But you know what the fuck
we found out when we got there?

There is no Shermer
in Illi-noise.

Movies are fuckin’ bullshit.

When are you
going back to New Jersey?

Jeez, this broad
asks a lot of questions.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Yeah. So you do anal?

Is it true that chicks fart
if you blast them in the ass?

| didn't ask you out for sex.

I'll take head.

This is gonna sound really bad.

| can't believe
I'm even thinking about this,

but...

| think
| should go with you.

What, like steady?
You wanna be my girlfriend?

All right, but Silent Bob
gets to live with us,

and you pay the rent.

No. | wanna go with you
to New Jersey.

Really?

You're going
to lead me somewhere.

Me lead you?
Lady, look at me.

| don't even know where the hell
| am half the time.

If we're not gonna fuck,
then what the fuck

-did you ask us out for?
-Someone told me I'd meet you,

and you'd take me someplace
| was supposed to go.

What the hell
are you babbling about?

All | now is we saved your ass
from some angry fuckin’ dwarves,

and now you're telling us
we're supposed

to take you somewhere as if
we know where the hell it is?

Do you believe in God?

Holy fuck. All the fine,
immoral bitches

out in front of that place,
and we get the one Jesus freak?

-Get the fuck out of here.
-No, wait.

-I'll scream rape.
-| can pay you.

Pay?

A hundred bucks
for being my guide.

You were going to Jersey anyway.
All I'm asking is to tag along.

| feel like Han Solo,
you're Chewie,

and she's Ben Kenobi,
and we're in that fucked-up bar.

What about sex?

No sex.

All right, let's say
we're caught in a situation

where we have, like,
five minutes left to live.

| don't know. A bomb
or something's gonna go off.

Would you fuck us then?

In that
highly unlikely situation?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah? She's a slut.

Bong.

All right.

But | get to drive.

[overrevving engine]

What gear are you in?

Gear?

What do | know about shiftin'?

Like | ever drove before.

[horn honks]

Okay, Indiana, Ohio,

Pennsylvania, New Jersey.

You know, maybe you're wrong
about this slaughter thing.

How can you be sure what incurs
the Lord's wrath these days?

Times change. | remember
when eating meat on a Friday

was supposed to be
a hell-worthy trespass.

The major sins never change.

And besides, | can spot
a commandment breaker

from, like, a mile away.

Oh, bet on it.

This from the guy
who still owes me ten bucks

over that bet about which
was gonna be the bigger movie--

-E.T.or Krush Groove.
-You know, fuck you, man,

‘cause time's gonna tell
on that one.

What, are you insinuating

that | don't have
what it takes anymore?

Insinuating, no.

Flat-out telling you.

Right there.
Right there. There's one.

So? They're kissing.

Adultery.

-Adultery?
-Adultery.

You are just a simple creature.

Am | right or what?

| happen
to know the truth.

I'm not gonna tell you.
| want to see

how boned up on the job
you are.

-What's your proof?
-He's wearing a wedding band.

And it never occurred to you
that maybe she's his wife?

No married man
kisses his wife like that.

Okay. Well,
it's a good thing

you were never
the deciding member on a jury

is all I'm saying.

"No married man
kisses his wife like that."

Are you stoned?

Excuse me.

Are you married?

Why?

I'm just curious.

What do you think?

-What?
-To her?

-What?
-Are you married to her?

Not that it's
any of your fucking business,

but, no. Why?

["Alabamy Bound"
by Ray Charles plays]

J And then I'll holler
so the world can know Jf

J Here | go J

I I'm Alabamy bound J

[frog croaks]

[Singsongingly]
Whose house?

Run's house.

| said whose house?

Run's house.

Whose house?
Say what?

Run's house.

Say what?
Martin.

Martin. How y'all been?

Martin.

She's fuckin' pissed, dude.

She's never gonna fuck us now.

Well, maybe you,
but definitely not me.

Let me know how she is.

Nobody is fucking me!
You got that?

| don't know what
| was thinking in that diner,

but being that
I've decided to go home

and not to New Jersey,

sorry for the inconvenience
and good-bye.

You're breaking up with us?

Who the hell
do you think you are, lady?

You can't just go around

breaking people's hearts
like that.

| fell in love with you.

We fell in love with you.
Guys like us

just don't fall out
of the fuckin’ sky, you know.

-Aah.
[thud]

Beautiful, naked,
big-tittied women

just don't fall out
of the sky, you know.

No heartbeat.

Think someone
threw him out of a plane

with a message
written on him

like in Con Air?

-Did you ever see that flick?
-Oh, did that suck.

-Con Air? Con Shit.
-Kill it. Kill it.

-Sounds familiar.
-Jesus, are you okay?

Yeah. It's Rufus.
And, yeah, I'm fine.

He's the fucking undead.
Cut his head off.

Hey, what | just did
gave me a fucking migraine.

So if you don't pipe down,

I'm gonna yank your sac off

like a paper towel.

Speaking of which,
you're awfully nude.

-Rufus, is it?
-Yes, Rufus it is.

It's usually Long Rufus,
but it's a little cold out here.

You understand.
Hey, Big Papa,

how about lending a brother
your coat

till | find my own threads?

Dude, he fell out of thin air.

His piece is gonna be rubbing
inside of your armor.

-Dude.
-Yeah, thanks a lot, baby.

I'll do my best
to tuck it back.

You know, it's been a while
since physics,

but | would think the impact

with which
you hit the asphalt

would have liquefied you.

You know, death
is a worry of the living.

The dead, like myself,
only worry about decay

and necrophiliacs.

Told you he was the undead.

Not the undead. The dead.

| died. You know,

Christ told me the secret
to the resurrection once.

We were at this wedding
in Canaan, right?

| got drunk and forgot it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Christ?

You knew Christ?

Knew him? Shit,
nigga owes me 12 bucks.

Let me guess.
You're another angel.

Oh, | ain't no angel.
I'm no angel.

I'm a man
just like you and him.

Well, maybe not him.
At least | was a man.

Been dead nearly 2,000 years.
Here, check this out.

No wonder he saw Jesus.
Homey's rockin’ the ganj.

It's not a joint.

| can't read this.

It's Aramaic. It says, "Rufus,
see you in two years. Jesus."

Freaked me out
because he basically told me

when my number was up.

Took all the flavor
out of the remaining years.

Look, we gotta get moving.

Let's say
we continue this discussion

over a two-piece
and a biscuit. Come on.

I'm starvin’'.

Back off, Kato.

Wait a second.

Between guys with wings,
guys falling out of the sky,

and guys trying like hell
to fuck me,

| think I've been
a pretty good sport

about all this so far.

But I'm not going anywhere
until | find out

where the hell you came from.

Me? | came from heaven.
Now let's start walkin’.

Walk? Fuck you. Do you know
how far we are from anywheres?

Hey, man, back in the old days
with J.C.,

we used to walk everywhere.

Did you ever hear
of a fat apostle? Mm-mmm.

What the hell's an apostle?

[fly buzzes]

[flies buzzing]

Let me get this straight.

She's already met the prophets,

and the apostle's with them.

| think that
our best course of action

is to ensure that our parcel
is not found.

And being that | can't even
trust you enough

to kill a woman,
tsk tsk tsk tsk,

well, I'm left with no choice

but to seek outside assistance
in guarding said package.

I'm gonna have to summon
the Golgothan.

Yeah, | appreciate the loan,
brother. You can have that back.

Man, | remember when all
we used to have for breakfast

was fish and goat's milk.
What do you call this shit?

Egga Mooby Muffin.

Now, how about you start
explaining some things,

like, for starters, how did you
know where to find us?

Do you know what the dead do
with most of their time?

Watch the living.

Especially in the shower.

| can't wait to die.

And why are you watching me?

‘Cause you're the one
who's gonna help me

get some changes
made in that book

you put so much stock in.

Hustler?

The Bible.

What's your beef
with the Bible?

For starters, I'm not in it.

Neither are any of us,

but you don't hear us
bitchin’ and moanin".

But I'm supposed to be in it.

| was the 13th apostle.

[Bethany chuckles]

I've been going to church
my whole life,

and I've never heard
of a 13th apostle named Rufus.

Yeah, but you heard
of the other 12 apostles.

Yeah, all white boys,
| might add.

But no mention of me--Rufus.

And why is that?
‘Cause I'm a Black man.

But you know what?
That's just my pet peeve.

I'm mainly here
to correct a major error

that you people
have been basing the faith on.

-What's that?
-Jesus wasn't white.

Jesus was Black.

-| don't buy it.
-If that's true,

why did he get written about
and you were left out?

Well, he is the son of God.

Kind of hard to have
a New Testament without him.

So you fudge a few facts,
you put a spin on his ethnicity.

Leaving me out's okay
because you still got

12 white boys to choose from.

Are you gonna
listen to this shit?

You know, that's what
the good people of Antioch

was saying
right before they stoned my ass.

You were martyred?

That's one way of puttin’ it.

Another way is to say
| was bludgeoned to shit

by big fucking rocks.

| mean, white folks
only wanna hear the good shit--

life eternal,
a place in God's heaven.

As soon as you hear that
you're gettin’ this good shit

from a Black Jesus, ya freak.

And that, my friends,
is called hypocrisy.

A Black man
can steal your stereo,

but he can't be your savior.

You gonna eat that hash brown?

So, you went to heaven?

You're damn right
| went to heaven.

Shit, that's the least
he could do.

You know, in the three years

| followed his ass
around Jerusalem,

did | ever get laid?
Hell no.

And | was in my prime.
| mean, | could have been

knee-deep
in shepherds' daughters,

not to mention
fine ass Mary Magdalene.

She had a thing for dark meat,
if you follow me.

Maybe this is just me talking,
but if | were in heaven,

| wouldn't care
what the Bible said

as long as
they got the message right.

The message is what counts.

But folks who build their faith
on that message

should be colorblind.

And all my rabble-rousing

is not doing that much above.

So I'm gonna need some help
down here.

That's why I'm gonna help you

stop those angels
from gettin’ to that church

in exchange for you
helping me with my campaign.

How do you know about that,
the angels?

There isn't much
| don't know about you.

| find that hard to believe.

Check this out--
when you were five,

you let a kid from next door
piss in your hand.

Ew, you did that shit?
You're nasty.

| never told anybody
about that.

Neither did he.

Two years later,
that kid died of leukemia.

-His name was Brian Johnson.
-Brian Johnson.

See, your exploits,
no matter how inane,

are well-documented in heaven.

Probably hell, too.

[Mooby theme music playing]

Hey, where you going?

Yo, man, tell me somethin’
about me.

You masturbate
more than anyone on the planet.

Fuck, everyone knows that.

Tell me something
nobody knows.

When you do it,
you're thinking about guys.

Dude, not all the time.

Sorry if | scared you.

Two thirds of me wants to forget
about this and go home.

Yesterday, | wasn't sure
God even existed.

Now I'm up to my ass
in Christian mythology.

Let me let you in
on a little inside info.

God hates it

when it's
referred to as "mythology."

Oh, well, then let's
ask the "prophets"

what we should call it instead.

Where did
those two assholes go?

["Candy Girl"
by New Edition plays]

What are you doing?

Proving this bastard
| ain't gay.

-What?
-Long story. Forget it.

We gotta get movin’.
How can we get to Jersey?

We'll take the train.
I'll call for reservations.

[ding]

[ding]

[ding]

[ding]

[ding]

[ding ding]

[ding]

| thought she looked familiar.

Who?

Serendipity.

[ding]

[horn blares]

Morning, shoppers.

ALL: Morning.

Has anyone seen the overnights?

-No, sir.
-No.

-No.
-We creamed 'em.

All right.

Last night was a rerun,
which says to me that I--

Do | smell onions?

Excuse me.

-Huh?
-May | ask

what you're doing
in my boardroom?

You may proceed, mon ami.

I'm gonna have to start
by apologizing.

My friend
has a bit of a penchant

for the dramatic.

Oh, come on.

[murmuring]

Ahem.

Mooby, the Golden Calf.

Created by Nancy Goldruff,

a former kindergarten teacher
in 1989.

Bought by
the Complex Corporation in 1991.

Broadcast nationally
as the Mooby Fun-Time Hour.

Since its inception

has spawned
two theatrical films,

16 records,

eight prime-time specials,

and a library
of priced-to-own videocassettes.

Not to mention
bicoastal theme parks

dubbed "Mooby World."

Did, uh,
did | miss anything or--

You forgot Mooby magazine.

-Damn it.
-Now, is there a point to this?

You and your board

are idolaters.

Can't believe
you forgot the magazine.

That's you.

Do you know much
about voodoo?

It's a fascinating practice.

No real doctrine of faith
to speak of.

More an arrangement
of superstitions,

the most well-known of which
is the voodoo doll.

You see--ah-choo--

a mock-up of an individual

is subjected
to various pokes and prods.

The desired result

is that the individual
will feel those effects.

-Call security...
-Yes, Sir.

All lines are currently down.

-Okay, I'm gonna have--
-Would you just Knock it off?

You're doing it again.
Now stop.

-Fuck.
-What did we talk about?

[clears throat]

You are responsible

for raising an icon

which draws worship
from the Lord.

You have broken
the first commandment.

More than that,
I'm afraid not a one of you

passes for a decent human being.

Your continued existence

is a mockery of morality.

Like you, Mr. Burton.

Last year, you cheated
on your wife of 17 years

eight times.

You even had sex
with her best friend

while you were supposed
to be home watching the kids.

Ha ha ha. In the bed

that you and your wife
share, no less.

Mr. Newman.

You got your girlfriend drunk

at last year's Christmas party

and then paid a kid
from the mailroom

to have sex with her
while she was passed out

just so you could
break up with her guilt-free

when she sobbingly
confessed in the morning.

She killed herself
three months later.

Mr. Brace
disowned his gay son.

Very compassionate, Mr. Brace.

Mr. Ray put his mother
in a third-rate nursing home

and used the profits
from the sale of her home...

...to buy an Oriental rug
for himself.

Heavens.

Mr. Barker flew to Thailand
on the company account

to have sex
with an 11-year-old boy.

Mr. Holtzman

okayed the production
of Mooby dolls

from materials
he knew to be toxic and unsafe

because it was, survey Says...

.. less costly.

You, on the other hand...

[Mooby theme playing]

...are an innocent.

You lead a good life.

Good for you.

But you, Mr. Whitland,

you have more skeletons
in your closet

than this assembled party.

| cannot even
mention them aloud.

You're his father.
You sick fuck.

-Good.
-Not bad, right?

That's great work. Very good.

Well...

...alone at last.

You know, with the exception
of Miss Pryce here,

there isn't a decent human being
amongst you.

Not one.

Do you know what makes
a human being decent?

Fear.

And therein lies the problem.

None of you has anything
left to fear anymore.

You rest comfortably
in seats of inscrutable power,

hiding behind your false idol,
far from judgment,

lives shrouded in secrecy,
even from one another.

But not from God.

Upp.

Forgot my little voodoo doll.

Man, it really
looks just like you, doesn't it?

Look, I-- if |
believed enough in this,

| wonder.

| wonder.

[sinister music plays]

Aah.

Come on. | don't
believe in voodoo.

Voodoo.

But | do believe in this.

[screaming and gunshots]

Don't run! Don't run!

Fakes! Fakes!
All of you, fakes!

Oh, and you.

[indistinct chatter]

"| do believe in this."

What does that mean?

And one to grow on.

[gunshots]

[Mooby theme continues]

Gum?

Go on. It's okay. I--

You've done nothing wrong.

These guys were... fakes.

You're a pure soul.

But you didn't say
"God bless you" when | sneezed.

[shrieks]
-Loki!

You're getting off light.

-Loki!
-| know. I'm comin’.

You're so lucky.

| forgot you were down here.
How long now?

Three years this August.

Let me guess--
the 14th apostle,

left out of the Bible
because she's a woman?

Oh, this girl's no woman.

Oh. Those weren't tits
| saw Jay cozying up to?

What, these?

You should know better
than anyone at this table

that tits
don't make a woman.

Hell, the tubby coat-wearing
motherfucker's got tits.

What traditionally
defines a woman

falls between two things--
her legs.

But as you can see,

| lack definition.

JAY: Hey, they're gettin’
a free show.

Let me see that shit.

Oh, my God, another angel
like Metatron.

How do you know Metatron?
How does she know Metatron?

This is the last scion.

You're kidding.

Wow.

I'm confused.

Bethany, Serendipity here

isn't technically an angel.

Nor is she, by any means,

a human being
like | was and you are.

| used to be an abstract.

Now I'm really confused.

I'm a muse, stupid.

| can't take much more of this.

So you what, inspire people?

What just went down
with your friends over there,

it doesn't really take a muse
to inspire horny retards

to empty their wallets.

| used to specialize
in entertainment.

For example, I'm responsible

for 19 of the 20
top-grossing films of all time.

Nineteen?

Yeah. The one about the kid
by himself in his house,

burglars trying to come in
and he fights them off--

aah--| had nothing
to do with that one.

Somebody sold their soul
to Satan

to get the grosses
up on that piece of shit.

[gurgling]

[ominous music plays]

What are you doing stripping?

Well, you remember
why | left, right?

Because you were tired
of doing all the work

and getting none of the credit
for your ideas.

So | opted to quit being a muse
and write for myself.

| gave my two weeks' notice,
got a body, 50 bucks,

and got sent out into the world
to make my fortune.

So what happened?

Writer's block.

Can you believe it?
Me, a muse, for God's sake.

| can inspire anyone | meet

and give out a zillion
and nine ideas a second,

but | can't keep any
for myself.

Her quirky sense of humor.

-Whose?
-God's.

You're saying God's a woman?

Was there ever
a doubt in your mind?

He's always
referred to as “him.”

That's not how | wrote it.

But one of the drawbacks
to being intangible

is that you have no say
in the editorial process.

The people that held the pens
added their own perspective,

and all the penholders
were men.

So she became a he.

Doesn't stop with God, either.

The whole book's gender-biased.

A woman's responsible
for original sin.

A woman cuts
Samson's coif of power.

A woman asks for the head
of John the Baptist.

Read that book again sometime.

Women are painted
as bigger antagonists

than the Egyptians
and Romans combined.

It stinks.

[ominous music plays]

Why is the last scion here?

Bartleby and Loki?
They found a way back.

Not the plenary indulgence
loophole.

You know about that?

| always knew that thing
was a bad idea.

Leave it to the Catholics
to destroy existence.

You have issues
with Catholicism, | take it?

| have issues with anyone
who treats God

like a burden
instead of a blessing

like some Catholics.

You people
don't celebrate your faith,

you mourn it.

If we're wrong,
what's the right religion?

It's not about
who's right or wrong.

No denomination's
nailed it yet

because they're all
too self-righteous

to realize
that it doesn't matter

what you have faith in,
just that you have faith.

Your hearts
are in the right place,

but your brains
gotta wake up.

Look. They made me
and Silent Bob part of the gang.

[roars]

Who fuckin’ farted?

Not born.

Shit into existence.

SERENDIPITY: Sweet Christ,
somebody wants you bad.

-What is that thing?
-An excremental.

-The Golgothan.
-A what?

A shit demon!

No man of woman born.

Mm. Friend of yours?

-Is this smelly fuck with us?
-It came for Bethany.

Smoke that motherfucker
like it ain't no thang.

Damn, | knew I's gonna
whack somebody today.

Get your fuckin’ hand back.

Represent!

-Go! Go!
-Yeah.

[Golgothan roars]

[punches and murmuring]

Heh heh heh heh.

Looks like we're in charge
of the gang now.

[roars]

Behind the bar. Come on.

Where the fuck
did that thing come from?

-Ever heard of Golgotha?
-Skull place.

The hill where Christ
was crucified?

It wasn't just Christ up there.

The Romans crucified everyone
at that hill.

Christ excluded, they were all
criminals, killers,

brigands, thieves, rapists.

Whenever
the crucified expire,

their bodies would actually
lose muscle control,

spilling bowel and bladder
in the process,

the result of which is that
walking pile of crap back there,

the Golgothan shit demon--
hell's chief assassin.

And it's here for you, girlie.

-Bob, get down.
-Matches. Matches.

Raah.

-Man.
-How?

"Knock strong odors out."

-Way to go, biggie.
-Why would you ever carry this?

[farts]
-Oh.

What?

Whoever sent this
might send more.

| suggest
you take the princess

and get as far away
as possible.

I'll do what | can
to get something

out of poopy boy here.

lf he tells me something,
I'll let you know.

Hello. We'd like two tickets
to New Jersey, please.

-Jersey's sold out, sir.
-What?

There's one
at the same time tomorrow.

| suggest you not underestimate

the staggering drawing power
of the Garden State

and show up
two hours in advance.

Nice. Your hard-on
for smiting

has prevented us
from negotiating

what ought to be
the relatively simple matter

of catching
or staying on a bus.

Oh, bus, schmuss. Anyway,

why should we fall victim
to gravity

when we can just as easily
rise above?

You mean fly?

We got wings, right?

Fuck, let's use 'em.

| wouldn't suggest that.

You see, kids,
you wouldn't want to look like

a couple of fairies,
now, would you?

Look at this pimp.
How'd you get out of hell?

| told them | was coming up
on a routine possession.

Look, | don't have much time.

If they figure out my ruse,
they'll come looking for me.

What's with bringing us
in here?

You two fucks
are inches from getting caught.

Going around killing people,
about to uncase your wings.

Don't you have any idea
what's going on?

Well, we're going home.

Oh, really.
Are you so clueless

as to think you can
just waltz back into heaven?

-Why not?
-Everybody is looking for you.

Both sides. Above and below.

Orders are to terminate you
on sight.

-Really?
-Why?

Because you're
pissing people off, that's why.

[chuckles]
-Word on the grapevine

is that God's pissed off
at your presumption,

and | know Lucifer's pissed

because you assholes
might make him look bad

by succeeding
where he's failed so many times.

So they're just gonna kill us?

They're gonna try.

That's why
you have to travel incognito.

Tone down your behavior.

Stay off
their respective radars.

Quit killing people.
That's high profile.

Oh, lighten up.

| still can't believe
they wanna kill us.

Oh, believe it, boys.

They've even got the last scion
looking for you.

-Really?
-You're kidding me.

This is huge. Your re-entry
is a thorn in a lot of sides,

and they'll stop at nothing,
| mean nothing, to prevent it.

In the meantime,
| suggest you find

an alternate
mode of transportation.

lf anything else comes up,
I'll contact you.

Thank you, Azrael.
You're a true friend.

| have to get back to the pit
before they get suspicious.

And remember--in-cog-nito.

[whistle blows]

How you coping, kid?

It's weird.

Just when | think
| have a handle on things...

something wholly unbelievable
presents itself.

Sometimes | wish
I'd just stayed home.

You sound like the man.

What's he like?

He likes to listen
to people talk.

Christ loved
to sit around the fire,

listen to me
and the other guys.

Whenever we were going on
about unimportant shit,

he always had a smile
on his face.

His only real beef
with mankind

is the shit that
gets carried out in his name--

wars, bigotry, televangelism.

The big one, though,

is the factioning
of all the religions.

He said mankind
got it all wrong

by taking a good idea

and building
a belief structure on it.

You're saying having beliefs
is a bad thing?

| just think it's better
to have ideas.

| mean, you can change an idea.

Changing a belief is trickier.

People die for it.
People kill for it.

The whole of existence
is in jeopardy right now

because of the Catholic
belief structure

regarding this
plenary indulgence bullshit.

Bartleby and Loki,
whether they know it or not,

are exploiting that belief,
and if they're successful,

you, me, all of this

ends in a heartbeat.

All over a belief.

You know, | haven't seen
the moron twins in a while.

How about you?

One time,
we were at the mall, right?

We tied tubby to the ceiling,

and he went, like,
flying through the air,

fuckin’
crashed through the wall.

It was fucked up.

You two aren't getting
into any trouble, are you?

Hells, no. We're just about
to smoke a fatty

with these two
suave motherfuckers

who just got on the last stop.
This is Larry and Barry.

-Hi.
-Hey. So Jay tells us

you're gonna sleep with him.

Hit this shit, man.
It's good stuff.

Hit it.

Yeah, you're bad, dude.

-Yeah.
-Bad shit.

So, why are you
heading to New Jersey?

There's just this thing
| have to do.

We're going home.

Oh. Do you two live together?

Unfortunately, yes.

So, how long have you two
been together?

Awhile.

He can be
pretty flaky sometimes,

but we have a lot in common.

How'd you meet?

We were stationed together.

See, that's beautiful.

Everybody's always up in arms

about this
out-in-the-military issue.

-Pardon?
-Well, you know,

there's all that macho bullshit

about it being
"this man's army."

You two meet there
and hook up.

Oh. You think we're lovers?
No, no.

We're-We're-We're not gay.

Oh, God. I'm sorry.
| just assumed.

Wh-- Do | come off as gay?

-No.
-All right.

My ex-husband
sort of screwed up

my relationship awareness
barometer.

You're divorced.

That's a nice way
of putting it.

| call it being dumped.

| was, uh, dumped once.

Don't you just constantly
question your value?

Like, why was | so easy
to cast aside?

And you, uh, wonder

if the other party
is gonna come to their senses

and call you back.

They always tell you
it'll hurt less with time.

Actually, it, uh, hurts more.

You know what we need?

What do we need?

We need drinks.

We need a lot of drinks.

-Garcon.
[Bethany laughs]

You're saying
you still go to church?

Every Sunday.

| mean, does it
do anything for you or...

It gives me time to balance
my checkbook every week.

See? That's what I'm saying.
People don't go to church

to-to-to feel spiritual
anymore.

They go to church
and feel bored,

but they keep going every week
just out of habit.

| am so buzzed.

Ahem. When, uh, when do you
think you lost your faith?

| remember the exact moment.

| was on the phone
with my mother...

..and, uh, she was trying
to counsel me

through this... this thing.

And when nothing
she was saying

was making me feel any better,

she said,

"Bethany, God has a plan."

| was...
| was so angry with her.

| was like,

"What about my plans?"

-You know?
-Mm-hmm.

| had planned to have a family

with my husband.

Wasn't that plan
good enough for God?

Apparently not.

[puts down bottle]

How about you?
When did you lose your faith?

Um, long time ago.

One day, God
just, uh, stopped listening.

| kept talking, but | got
the distinct impression

that he wasn't listening
anymore.

How'd you know she was listening
in the first place?

Um...

...well, | guess | don't.

| hate thoughts like that.

But, you know,
they come to you with age.

‘Cause when you're a kid,

you never question
the whole faith thing.

Mm-mmm.

God's in heaven, and he's...

..she's always
got her eye on you.

I'd give anything
to feel that way again.

Guess that's why | got
talked into this pilgrimage.

[indistinct chatter]

Where is this pilgrimage to?

You wouldn't believe me
if | told you.

Try me.

All right, but | warned you.

Okay.

I'm going to this church
in New Jersey.

Really?

[ding]

[TRAIN ANNOUNCER OVER P.A.]
-Kerwood Mandel, car three.

Kerwood Mandel,
car three.

See, I'm supposed
to stop a couple of angels

from going into the church.

They're trying...

Shit.

[giggles]

They're trying
to get back into heaven.

[laughs]

See, they got
tossed out of heaven

years ago, right?

And if they get back in,
it proves God wrong,

and since God is infallible,

to prove her wrong

would, you know,
unmake existence.

MAN OVER P.A.:May |
have your attention, please.

The dining car will be closing
in five minutes.

Thank you.

| feel so stupid

just saying it.

The thing | don't get
is, | mean,

how am | supposed
to stop an angel?

Two even.

Pfft.

Guess I'm supposed to talk them
out of it or something.

Maybe you're supposed
to kill them.

Oh, yeah, right.

Kill them.

| mean, even if that
were the case, which it's not,

| mean, how do you
kill an angel, Barry?

Oh.

| don't suppose
it's much different

from... killing a human.

Where he hell is everybody?
| wake up and--

-The apostle.
-Holy shit!

Rufus, | want you
to meet my new friend Barry.

Don't be such a show-off, Barry.

Take it easy, Bartleby.
Just let her go.

-We can talk about this.
-Bartleby?

After all this time, Rufus,
this is what it comes down to--

slaughter by a meat puppet.

Get your fucking hands off me,

you dickless son of a bitch.

Save it, lady.
Five minutes ago,

you were aching
to top me off. Loki!

Holy shit. The apostle.

| didn't come in you, Pete,
| swear.

-Hey, what are you doing here?
-This woman just told me

she has to stop two angels
from entering a church.

You think
she's talking about us?

No, two other fucking angels.

Yeah, I'd say
there's a pretty good chance.

What do you say, Rufus?
We're to be liquidated?

You haven't thought
about the consequences

of your re-entry.

-Consequences, schmonsequences.
-Guess what.

We're going home, no matter
whose pride it may hurt.

It's not a matter of pride,
stupid!

-Loki, kill the girl.
-What are you, high?

| can't kill her
if she hasn't done anything.

-You know that.
-Fine. I'll kill her myself.

Fuck is this shit?
| fall asleep

and everyone takes off?

These guys
are fuckin’ flat-leavers.

Shut his mouth.

Oh, shit!

Jay.

Biggie!

The door! The door!

Can't we talk about this?

Why don't | just get off
at the next stop!

[indistinct chatter]

No ticket.

-The apostle is here.
-| noticed.

Then you know who chick
with him was, don't you?

The scion, | imagine!

Shit, man. Look, maybe we should
rethink this whole thing.

| mean, you heard the guy.
He said there are consequences.

And Azrael
tells us we're marked?

Look, man, there is more to this
than we thought about.

| was close.

You know? | was so close

to slitting
that bitch's throat.

Whoa.

You know how | felt?

Righteous.

Justified. Eager, even.

You all right, man?
Your eyes are kinda...

My eyes are open.

For the first time, | get it.

When that little innocent girl
let her mission slip,

| had an epiphany.
See, in the beginning,

it was just us and him--
angels and God.

-Uh-huh.
-Then he created humans.

Ours was designed to be a life
of servitude and worship

and bowing and scraping
and adoration.

He gave them
more than he ever gave us.

He gave them a choice.

They choose to acknowledge God
or choose to ignore him.

All this time
we've been down here,

I've felt the absence
of the divine presence,

and it's pained me,

as I'm sure
it must have pained you.

And why? Because of the way
he made us.

Had we been given free will,

we could choose to ignore
the pain, like they do.

But, no, we're servants.

Okay. You know,
all I'm saying here

is that one of us
might need a little nap.

Wake up! These humans
have besmirched everything

he's bestowed upon them.

They were given paradise,
they threw it away.

They were given this planet,
they destroyed it.

They were favored best
among all His endeavors,

and some of them
don't even believe he exists.

And in spite of it all,

he has shown them
infinite fucking patience

at every turn.

What about us?

| asked you once

to lay down the sword

because | felt sorry for them.

What was the result?

Our expulsion from paradise.

Where was his infinite
fucking patience then?

It's not right! It's not fair!

We've paid our debt.

Don't you think it's time?

Don't you think
it's time we went home?

And to do that, I... | think

we may have to dispatch
our-our would-be dispatchers.

Wait. Wait, wait. Kill them?

You're talking about
the last scion,

for Christ's sake.
And what about Jay and Bob?

| mean, those guys
were all right.

Don't. Don't, my friend.

See, don't let your sympathies
get the best of you.

They did me once.

Scion or not,
she's just a human,

and by passing through
that arch,

our sins are forgiven.

No harm, no foul.

My God. I've heard a rant
like this before.

What did you say?

I've heard a rant
like this before.

Don't you fucking do that to me.

You sound like
the morning star.

-You shut your fucking face!
-You do!

You sound like Lucifer, man!
You've fucking lost it!

You're not talking
about going home, Bartleby.

You're talking
about fucking war on God.

Well, fuck that.

| have seen what happens
to the proud

when they take on the throne.

I'm going back to Wisconsin.

-Unh.
-We're going home, Loki,

and no one, not you,
not even the Almighty himself

is gonna make that otherwise.

Shit.

| don't understand why
we couldn't stay on the train.

You threw those guys off.

Very basic strategy.
lf your enemies

know where you are,
then don't be there.

-Why are we enemies?
-Well, | know

| perceive the person
sent to kill me as an enemy.

What does that mean?

Since when am |
supposed to kill anybody?

I'm tired of all this
cryptic bullshit.

I'm physically
and psychologically exhausted,

Rufus,
and I'm ready to kick back

and welcome the end of existence
unless you come clean right now.

Why me?

Out of all the people
on the goddamn planet,

why was | tapped?

Imagine you're
a 12-year-old boy.

Then one day, you're told
you're God's only son,

but more than that,
you're God.

How long do you think
it would take you

to come to grips
with something that huge?

Maybe, say, mm, 18 years?

In the Bible, Jesus

suddenly goes from age 12 to 30.
12 to 30.

Now, that's some
pretty bad storytelling.

Where are the volumes of text

dealing with
the missing 18 years?

I'll tell you where.

They were offered up
as a sacrifice

to the god
of ecumenical politics.

You make it sound like
there's some church conspiracy

to cover up
"the truth about Christ."

Oh, bullshit.

Any important material
about Christ

would give people
a better understanding

of the nature of God.

Why would they
leave any of it out?

Because it's all closely
tied in with his family.

His mother and father.

Brothers and sisters.

Jesus didn't have
brothers and sisters.

Mary was a virgin.

Mary gave birth to Christ

without having known
a man's touch.

This is true.

But she did have a husband.
Do you really think

he would've stayed married
to her for all those years

if he wasn't gettin’ laid?

The nature of God
and the virgin birth,

those are leaps of faith.

But to believe
a married couple never got down,

well, that's
just plain gullibility.

Meaning?

The blood
that flows through your veins

shares a chromosome or two
at the genetic level

with the one you call Jesus.

Bethany, you are
the great-great-great-great-

great-great-great-great-
great-great-grand niece

of Jesus Christ.

So, that would make Bethany
part Black?

| can't do this anymore.

Bethany, where you gonna go?

You know what I'm saying
is right.

-It's bullshit.
-Bethany.

It's bullshit!

Let her go, man.

Give her time.

[screams] Why?

What the fuck
do you want from me?

| fucking hate you!

| hate you.

He can't hear you, you know.

That's why we needed you.

Why didn't you tell me?

Would you--

Could you have believed me?

It was something
you had to come to gradually.

Only after
everything you've seen...

..everything you've heard

could you possibly
be able to accept the truth.

| don't want this.

It's too big.

That's what Jesus said.

| had to tell him.

You can imagine
how that hurt the father...

...not to be able
to tell the son himself

‘cause one word from his lips

would destroy
the boy's frail human form.

So | had to deliver the news
to a scared child

who wanted nothing more than
to play with other children.

| had to tell this little boy
that he was God's only son,

and it meant
a life of persecution

and eventual crucifixion

at the hands
of the very people

he'd come to enlighten
and redeem.

He begged me
to take it all back.

As if | could.

He begged me
to "make it all not true."

And I'll let you in
on something, Bethany.

It's something
I've never told anyone before.

If | had the power...

...| would have.

It's unfair. It's unfair
to ask a child

to shoulder
that responsibility,

and it's unfair to ask you
to do the same now.

| sympathize. | do.
| wish | could take it all back.

But | can't.

This...

.. IS Who you are.

Everything | am
has been a lie.

No, no, no, no.

Knowing what you now know

doesn't mean
you're not who you were.

You are Bethany Sloane.

No one can take that
away from you, not even God.

All this means
is a redefinition

of that identity.

The incorporation
of this new data

into who you are.

Be who you've always been.

Just...

...be this as well...

...from time to time.

Guess this means
no more cheating on my taxes.

To say the least.

Look, do you mind
if we adjourn

to somewhere
a tad more habitable

and a bit warmer?

["Blue Danube Waltz" plays]

Fuck, man, | think this shit
just kicked in.

Excuse me.
Weren't we just in the woods?

What are
we doing here now?

Going out in style.

The voice.

The apostle.

Now, who's this motherfucker?

The voice of God.
Show some respect.

Oh, the voice of God.
Where's the rest of Him?

It's funny you should
mention that. We're not sure.

-What?
-Come on, Apostle.

Didn't it ever occur to you
this Bartleby-Loki situation

was well within
the sphere of his control?

Yes, but then
why was she tapped?

You know those constitutionals
that he likes to take?

Constitutionals?

| think we're beyond euphemisms
at this point.

God's a skeeball fanatic.

The Lord has quite a fancy
for the game.

He's been playing it
for years.

He assumes a human form
once a month and indulges.

Doesn't tell anyone
where he's playing.

He just goes away
for a couple of hours.

And from what | understand,

he always gives
his free points away

to neighborhood children.
Isn't that sweet?

But she hasn't come back
from one of these day trips?

-ls that what you're saying?
-No, "she" hasn't.

And we've been
unable to locate "her."

He could've been killed.

Human form
does have that drawback.

Uh, there's a different sort
of foul play afoot, children.

Whomever has set
the renegade angels

on their path

and is keeping them
quite well-hidden

is also responsible
for the Lord's whereabouts.

Were he to be killed
in human form,

he'd have returned immediately
to heaven.

Someone knew enough
to keep him biologically alive,

but incapacitate him
in another fashion.

And as omnipotent
as we are above,

| have to admit
that we're more or less lost

without his presence.

We've had our people
looking everywhere for him.

And | tapped her

because | thought
we'd be able to smoke out

whoever's behind this.
But whoever he is

has been clever enough
to send some lackeys after you

as opposed
to showing up themselves.

Could it be Lucifer?

No, it's not Lucifer.
If he was,

he'd have made his move by now
to conquer heaven.

And | know he's not responsible
for Bartleby and Loki

because he's had just as much
to lose by their return

-as anybody else.
-So what are we gonna do now?

Well, | say we get drunk
‘cause I'm all out of ideas.

Why don't we just ask this guy
to close the church?

| beg your pardon?

It's the guy
in charge of the church thing.

Cardinal Glick?

Maybe we can just ask him
to shut down the church.

If it's closed that day,
uh, those guys

can't get blessed
or whatever, right?

Good Lord. The little stoner’s
got a point.

Maybe we could
go talk to this guy Glick.

Maybe we could
talk him into canceling

the rededication ceremony.

"We"?

Are you saying
you're back in,

Miss | Don't Think
| Can Do This Anymore?

["Blue Danube Waltz" plays]

| wouldn't want to let
the family down now, would |?

Well...

the prophets

finally live up
to their titles.

Mass attendance
is at an all-time low

in this country,
but if we can let ‘em know

the Catholic church
has a little panache,

we can win ‘em back,
even get some new ones.

Excuse me.

Fill them pews, people.
That's the key.

Grab the little ones as well.
Hook 'em while they're young.

Kinda like the tobacco industry.

Christ, if only
we had their numbers.

We really appreciate you
seeing us

this late in the day,
Your Eminence.

My friends and |
have been traveling all night

in hope of getting a chance
to talk to you

about the St. Michael's
rededication ceremony.

So you looking to help out
in some way, | take it?

We'd like you
to cancel the ceremony.

[clock chimes]

| beg your pardon.

There's gonna
be a world of trouble

if tomorrow's ceremony
goes forward as planned.

Are you... pro-choice?

No, no. The trouble's
not from us.

It's from these
renegade angels

that've been stuck on earth
since the plagues.

Um, these guys--they think
they're renegade angels.

See, padre,
it goes down like this.

These guys think that
by passing through that archway,

they can go straight to heaven.

You want me
to call off the ceremony

for that.

Who sent you?

We were sent by him
who is called | Am.

Cute. Really cute.
But come on, kids.

Playtime with the cardinal
is over.

Worked for Moses.

-Stay out of this.
-Let's go.

Your Eminence, it's not a joke.

I'm telling you, man,
this ceremony's a big mistake.

The Catholic church
does not make mistakes.

Please! What about
the church's

silent consent
of the slave trade?

And its platform
of noninvolvement

during the Holocaust?

All right,
mistakes were made.

But one can hardly hold
the current incarnation

of Holy Mother Church
responsible

for the oversights of old.

Now, I'm a very important man
with very important matters

that demand my attention,
so if you please...

But tomorrow--

Tomorrow goes off
without a hitch.

Do | make myself clear?

Neither you
nor any other influence

short of
the hand of God himself

is gonna keep this thing
from going off without a hitch.

| can see the headlines now

if there were gonna be any.

"Existence Erased."

Don't worry about it.
We evened the score.

Hand it over, Silent Bob.

What up?

You stole
the cardinal's driver?

That's what he gets
for messin’ with our girlfriend.

Cross-dressin' fuck.

That's sort of sweet.
Thanks, guys.

So what do we do now
about Bartleby and Loki?

| guess we're gonna
have to try and kill ‘em.

You said
they couldn't be killed.

Correction.

They won'be killed.

And just to ensure that,

we're all gonna
sit tight right here

until those two idiots
pass through that arch.

Hey, there's only
one idiot here, Azrael.

And I'm looking right at him.

Muse.

Just in time
to join us for a drink.

Hey. Where'd you come from?

-Where'd you come from?
-Me?

Nothingness. And that's
where I'm returning to

in approximately,
oh, one hour.

All right, Plato, sounds like
you've had enough already.

-Let's go.
-Oh, darn it.

Come on, barkeep,
just one drink.

One for the road,
then I'm gone?

| was trying to find you
to tell you

| figured out
who was behind all this.

Is that who | think it is?

-None other than.
-Who is it?

All right, one drink.
Then you're gone.

Get me a...

.. holy bartender.

Never heard of it.

He doesn't know how to make
a holy bartender.

You do, don't you, Muse?

Don't.

Ahh. Anybody?

No?

Well, | Know how to make
a holy bartender.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

-Get it?
-Sweet Jesus, Azrael. Why?

Come on, demon!
Let me see you try that shit

on somebody who's already dead!

Oh, Apostle, you maintain

that kind of an attitude,
and you and the barkeep

won't be the only corpses
in the room.

The Christ bitch
will join you.

[flies buzzing]
-Are you really that stupid?

You do know what's gonna happen

if those two jerks
enter that church.

I'm actually counting on it.

And if my calculations
are correct,

the pawns
are moving into checkmate

as we speak.

[chuckles]

"Holy Bartender." | get it.
That's a great one!

[flies buzzing]

Now, I'd also
like to acknowledge

this great state's governor,
Elizabeth Dalton,

for coming out here
this morning.

It's true she's a Protestant,

but we're not gonna
hold that against her.

[laughter]

Now, uh, let me just tell you
a little bit of history

about this particular

hundred-years-young
house of God.

God's house?

God doesn't live here anymore.

[murmuring]

He's grown weary
of your superficial faith.

He's turned a deaf ear
to your lip-service prayers.

He has abandoned you...

-Sorry.
- ...his favorites,

to the whim of judgment.

Hypocrites, charlatans...

.. prepare
to taste God's wrath.

-Maybe we should just leave.
-You wanted your body count.

You got it.
This lot is rife with sin.

We'll judge them all.

Officer McGhee.

All right, mouthpiece,
let's leave

the nice cardinal alone
and go for a ride.

Mr. McGhee,
don't make me angry.

You wouldn't like me
when I'm angry.

Is that so?

[crack; screaming]

Ladies and gentlemen,
you have been judged

as guilty of violations
against our Almighty God,

and this very day,
| assure you

you will all pay
for your trespasses

in blood.

Wings now.

-I'm feeling exposed here.
-Do it!

So he's a muse, too?

Former muse.

[sing-song] He was kicked out.

Ever the fucking
apple polisher.

So then what happened?

Yes, what?

Well, Lucifer
just had to start

his little war
for the throne.

Heaven became divided
into two factions--

the faithful
and the renegades.

Oh, the ethereal plains
were chaotic with battle.

Angel against angel.

And when it was all over,

God cast the rebels
into perdition.

But Azrael refused to fight.

He remained in the middle,

waiting to see
who came out victorious.

What are you,
some kind of fuckin' chicken?

| was an artist, stupid!

| was inspiration!

A muse has no place in battle.

So after the fallen
were banished to hell,

God turned on those
that wouldn't fight,

and Azrael was sent down
with the demons,

something he considers
a great injustice.

Oh, come on. Don't tell me

you never questioned
the judgment, Serendipity.

No. It never bothered me.

So you were an artist.

Big deal.

Elvis was an artist,

but that didn't stop him
from joining the service

in time of war.

That's why he is the king,

and you're a schmuck.

-Nice.
-So all this is about revenge.

You're gonna unmake existence

because you have
a grudge against God?

After the first million years?

No. Escape from hell
became my all-consuming reason.

So | studied the religions

and waited for my opportunity
to present itself,

which it finally did
in Catholicism.

Plenary indulgence.
But | couldn't exercise it.

Demons can't become human.

No, we can't transubstantiate.

But angels can.

Bartleby and Loki.

After that,
it was a simple matter

of waiting for a church
to celebrate their centennial,

and when that finally happened,

| sent the pair an article
laced with ideas.

An incantation
| picked up in the pit

kept them cloaked
and off heaven's radars.

And aside from the triplets here
and the Golgothan,

no soul in hell had a clue
as to what was going on.

But the Almighty could still
putsch the whole deal,

so | dispatched him
in a fairly ingenious fashion.

Her. And how?

That's the only thing
| couldn't figure out.

Oh, no, I've seen
way too many Bond movies

to know that you never reveal
all the details of your plan,

no matter how close

you may think
you are to winning.

[huffs]
-The only X factor

was the involvement
of the last scion here.

But fat lot of good
that did, right?

| mean, here you all are.

Powerless
to stop the inevitable.

Look, asshole, | don't know

if anyone
explained the rules to you,

but if you succeed, everything

gets blinked out of existence,
even you.

Human, have you
ever been to hell?

| think not.

I'd rather not exist
than go back to that.

And if everyone has to go down
with me, so be it.

Still thinking
only about yourself,

you fucking child.

Now, now, now.

Things are getting
too intense in here.

Hey. What say
we watch a little TV?

Yo, put it on channel nine.
Davey and Goliath.

[flies buzz]

Uh, actually, | was thinking

more along the lines
of current events.

[screaming]

Keep rolling! Keep rolling!

| repeat, men
with huge fucking wings

have laid waste
to St. Michael's!

Bullets don't seem
to affect them!

And the remainder of the crowd
have dropped to their knees,

identifying this
as the fabled apocalypse.

Now-Now,
I'm not a man of faith,

but I'm inclined
to agree with them.

Oh, God, please,
don't come any closer!

Don't come any closer.
God, no!

No.

Aah.

You see that? And | told them
to keep a low profile.

Oh, I'd be pissed,
but in a couple of minutes,

it's not gonna
really matter anyway.

Oh?

Oh, now what was that
all about?

What?

Oh, nothing.

| had something in my eye.

Now who's the fucking child?

[drops the remote]

What did you tell him,
Serendipity?

To hit me with the golf club?

Are you serious?
I'm a fucking demon.

And you'd have him
assault me with a putter?

You want to play?
Then we'll play.

One side, Red.

Go ahead, then. Pick it up.

Call it a gift.

Come on.

That's it.

Take a shot.

Take your best...
fucking... shot.

[flies buzzing]

No, I'm serious.
I'm not kidding. Take it.

Come on.

Come on, bright boy.

Don't you know anything?

[dramatic music plays]

Bethany, bless the sink!

-What?
-Just do it!

Bless the sink, damn it!

That's what you get,
motherfucker.

But I'm a fucking demon.

-What just happened?
-He said it himself--

[imitates his voice]
"I'm a fucking demon."

[normal voice] You hit a demon
with an instrument of God,

the pure side's
always gonna do some damage.

Holy shit. Silent Bob's
an instrument of God?

No, but the driver is because
Glick's the kind of asshole

who would bless his own clubs
for a better golf game.

-But the sink?
-You've got the divine heritage

going for you.

Sanctifying is just
one of the fringe benefits.

Remind me to try
that water-to-wine thing

at my next party.

How far away is this church?

Three towns over,
about ten miles.

-Rufus, grab the gun.
-Ten steps ahead of you.

Here, take the bartender's car.
He's not gonna need it.

The whole fucking world's
against us, dude,

| swear to God.

[somber music plays]

[kicks debris]

Oh, my God.

[bell chimes]

JAY:And people wonder why
| don't go to church anymore.

RUFUS: Are we too late?

To save these poor schmucks?

Yeah. But we still exist.

Where are they?

RUFUS: They could already
be in the church.

Which means if they come out,
nobody touches them.

Are you fucking shitting me?
The brother's gonna shred 'em

with his angel-be-good special.
Ain't ya, homey?

If they pass through that arch,
they come out clean.

And if they die,
they go straight up.

And hello. We know
what happens then, right?

-Why don't they kill themselves?
-It's a mortal sin.

You die with a mortal sin
On your soul and you burn.

They're not trying
to get to hell.

Then what the fuck
are we supposed to do,

just wait for a solution
to fall out of the sky?

Aah.

Friend of yours?

No. That was the cardinal.

You can't tell from his face,

but the rosaries
are a dead giveaway.

It's one of them!
Kill that motherfucker!

No. Don't you listen?
We can't touch him!

| wasn't gonna touch him.
| was gonna shoot his ass.

He's been at it
for a while now.

[victim, indistinct]

We-We ran out
of p-p-parishioners,

and so he just started
picking up folk off the road

and just dropping ‘em.

This is just eons of repression
getting purged.

If only they'd let us
jerk off, you know?

[person pleading]

-Whoops. Take a step back.
-Aah.

-Oh.
[thud; splat]

Let me go!

Why? What are you
trying to prove?

-All these people!
-Hey, this wasn't my idea!

All right?

Jesus Christ!

| just wanted to go home.

But him, you know,
he just lost it.

He realized who you were

and what you were
gonna have to do.

[stammers] He just snapped.
The funny thing is,

this guy could never even
stand to see me work.

He just-- He said
he felt sorry for you people.

Now look at him.

This guy's fuckin’ drunker
than hell.

Which means he's human now.

[thud]
-His wings have been cut off.

Loki.

Loki.

The muse?

Aw, no way!

| haven't seen you--
You look terrific.

Wow! What's with the tits?
Can I--

Have you walked through
the arch yet?

Come on, tell me.
Have you gone in

and come out
through the archway yet?

No!

Opp, he's back.

[dramatic music plays]

We were awaiting your arrival.

Bartleby, wait.

Stop. Listen to me.
You can't go through with this.

Azrael was just using you.
If you go back-- Unh.

I've become aware
of the repercussions, Muse.

| Know what I'm doing.

You sick, twisted fuck!

Bethany.

You, of all people,
should understand

what I'm trying
to accomplish here.

You too know what it feels like
to be cast aside.

But you've only
dealt with the pain a few years.

I've dealt with it
for a millennia.

And while you never
see your ex-husband

or how blissful he is
with his new wife...

..and he is...

..seeing you people every day

on this perfect little world
he created for you

is a constant reminder
that though my kind came first,

your kind was most-revered.

And while
you know forgiveness...

...we know only regret.

Lesson must be taught.

All are accountable,

even God.

Soon a cadre of police
will arrive

just in time to kill us
as we exit the church.

And then this failed experiment
called existence...

...will cease to be.

No. Hey.

Hey!

No. No.

| can't let you do that,
Bartleby.

This has gone too far.

| might have to take you down.

It's okay.

-Shh.
-I'll do it.

My compatriot.

Genocide
takes a lot out of him.

He's weakened.

You're weak.

More importantly,
he's also a human being...

a condition
which carries two liabilities--

conscience...

and, uh...

. Short life span.

I'm sorry, old friend,

but you lost the faith.

[clang]

[dramatic music plays]

No.

Oh, my God, he's lost it.
We're fucked.

-We're absolutely fucked!
-| hear that shit.

Aah.

| can't believe this shit.

We're on the brink
of nonexistence,

and God's
still nowhere to be found.

What the fuck kind of deity
gets kidnapped?

Amen to that.

What the hell are you doing?

We have about
five minutes left to live.

The whole world's gonna end.
You said you'd fuck me.

[straining]

-You're a pig.
-Oh, what?

Nobody's gonna beat that thing.
Now, we can either lay here

all comatose like that John Doe
Jersey bastard over there

or we can get makin’
with the love.

-What did you say?
-Make with the love.

It's a nice way
of saying boning.

No, about John Doe Jersey.

These stay on.

That guy, the one they won't
take off life support--

John Doe Jersey.
This is where he's at.

St. Michael's Hospital
over there.

Where's the nearest boardwalk?

Look, | ain't got time
to win you a prize.

Now we gotta get to the fucking.

-Where is it?
-Asbury Park,

about five miles away.

-Have you ever been there?
-Once, with this chick.

We were about to fuck
on the carousel

and | got sick
and started puking...

-Do they have skeeball there?
-Yeah.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Unh. Ow.

-Uhh.
[smack]

[shrieks]

Whatever you do,
stall Bartleby

from going into that church.

Bob, come with me. Come on!

How am | supposed to do that?

-Think of something!
-| already did,

-but it takes two of us!
[screaming]

WOMAN: ! repeat,
this is not a drill.

This is the apocalypse.

Please exit the hospital
in an orderly fashion.

Thank you. | repeat--

[groans]

-Unh.
-Yaah.

[clang]
-Aah. Oh.

No.

Hey, Big Bird!

Ready for the counting game?

No-o-o-o!

Unh.

Count the shells, Suck A Duck.

[dramatic music plays]

[grunts]

No more bullets.

Now, what the fuck
would you do that for?

Angels
have to cut their wings off

to become human.

You just did him a favor,
stupid!

Heh.

[chuckles]

[laughing maniacally]

[machine beeping]

| hope you're the skeeball type.

[screams]

[majestic music playing]

Oh, Bartleby.

Was Wisconsin really that bad?

-Bow down, stupid!
[choral music playing]

[whispers] I'm sorry.

[sobbing]

Anyone who isn't dead

or from another
plane of existence

would do well
to cover their ears

right about now.

What the fuck?

Thank you.

[supersonic yell]

[thud]

It never ends.

Get off of me.
| wanna see what's up.

What the fuck is this shit?

Who the fuck are you, lady?

Why the fuck
did you hug my head?

Quite a little mouth on him,
isn't there?

What the fuck is this,
The Piano?

Why ain't this broad talkin"?

| believe the answers
that you seek

lie within
my companion's eyes.

What the fuck does that mean?

Has everyone gone fuckin’ nuts?

What the fuck happened
to that guy's head?

-| want some--
-Shh.

Where was she?

Imprisoned in a body.

Bethany figured it all out.
She's a clever girl, that one.

Ooh.

Hang on a minute.

[dramatic music crescendos]

Heh.

You missed a bit.

Well, then, you ready
to go back, Apostle?

You ready to make some of those
changes | been talking about?

We'll see.

Muse?

Seeing as how
you just had to get involved,

you're welcome
to return with us as well.

First | gotta say good-bye
to Bethany. Where is she?

Oh, no.

[somber music plays]

Metatron, is she...

'Fraid so.

One of the drawbacks
to being a martyr

is that you have to die.

But no matter.

All is being taken care of.

How so?

Wax on, wax off.

[dramatic music plays
and crescendos]

[gasps]

[coughs]

[gasps for air]

-How did l...
-She can rebuild you.

She has the technology.

She can make you
better, stronger, faster.

That's...

Avery relieved deity.

You did well, little girl.

| Knew you'd come ‘round.

Your kind always does.

So you might want
to take good care of yourself.

We're gonna need you
down the road.

| know. I'm the last scion.

W-Well, you're half right.

You werethe last scion.

But now...

.. this...

...1S the last scion.

Um, I'm pregnant?

Can't put anything past you.

Take care of that parcel for us.

She has a world of work
ahead of her.

Oh.

Thank you for...

| don't know.

Everything.

God, there's a million things
| wish | could ask you,

most of it questioning what
I'm sure is your great plan,

and that would be
really arrogant of me, | know.

But there is one | need to ask,

and I'm sure you get it
all the time.

How many opportunities like this
will | ever get?

Why are we here?

Waah.

Didn't | tell you
she was funny?

[chuckles]

| really enjoyed meeting you.

It was an honor.

You did so well.

| told you she was a woman.

She's not really a woman.

She's not really anything.

She's something, all right.

Crisis of faith over?

| think I'm now burdened
with an overabundance.

When it rains, it pours.

Are you saying you believe?

No. But | have a good idea.

Yes.

The man was right about you.

Now I'm gonna go home
and tell him so.

And if you
clean up your language,

| just might put in a good word
for you, too.

Thanks.

Why don't you name the kid
after me?

Rufus.

[choral music playing]

[thud]

Yo, we should go to Quik Stop.

Youse guys wanna hear
something sick?

| got half a stalk
when she kissed me.

-Jay.
-| couldn't help it.

-The bitch was hot.
-You know,

you can't talk to me
that way anymore.

I'm gonna
be somebody's mother.

You're pregnant?

When you're pregnant,
we're gonna have sex

until your third trimester.

I'll Keep that in mind.

[organ music plays]

[majestic fanfare
closing music playing]

["Still" by Alanis Morissette
plays]

~ lam the harm
that you inflict J

1am your brilliance
and frustration J

J I'm the nuclear bombs,
if they're to hit I

| am your immaturity
and your indignance J

J | am your mistress
and your prais-ed J

| am your doubt
and your conviction J

J | am your charity
and your rape J

| am your grasping
and expectation J

~lsee you f

J Averting your glances J

~lsee you f

¢ Cheering on the war J

~lsee you f

¢ Ignoring your children J

J And | love you still J

J And | love you still J

| am your joy
and your regret J

| am your fury
and your elation J

| am your yearning
and your sweat J

J | am your faithless
and your religion J

~lsee you f

f Altering history J

~lsee you f

J Abusing the land J

~lsee you f

J Your selective amnesia J

J And | love you still J

J And | love you still J

[vocalizing]

| am your tragedy
and your fortune J

~ | am your crisis and delight J

| am your profits
and your prophets J

~ lam your art,
lam your bytes f

J | am your death
and your decisions J

| am your passion
and your plights J

J | am your sickness
and convalescence J

J | am your weapons
and your light J

~lsee you f

f Altering history J

~lsee you f

J Abusing the land J

~lsee you f

J Your selective amnesias J

J And | love you still J

J And | love you still J

~lsee you f

J Holding your grudges J

~lsee you f

~ Gunning them down JS

~lsee you f

¢ Silencing your sisters J

J And | love you still J

J And | love you still J

~lsee you f

¢ Lying to your country J

~lsee you f

J Forcing them out J

~lsee you f

~ Blaming each other J

J And | love you still J

J And | love you still J

[vocalizing]

JAY: So, that would make Bethany
part Black?