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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,464 --> 00:00:06,548 (SEAGULL SQUAWKS) 2 00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:10,260 MUSICIAN: One, two, three. One, two, three. 3 00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:11,762 WHITMER THOMAS: I grew up skateboarding. 4 00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:13,889 -♪ (MELLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(AUDIENCE CHEERING) 5 00:00:13,972 --> 00:00:15,349 Yeah, I still skate. 6 00:00:15,432 --> 00:00:18,227 It's weird, though, 'cause I'm in my 30s. 7 00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:19,978 It's weird 'cause I'll just be, like, 8 00:00:20,062 --> 00:00:23,148 at a skate spot under a bridge for hours, 9 00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:24,983 and I'll just look around and realize 10 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:26,944 that I'm just hanging out 11 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,029 with a bunch of 14-year-old boys. 12 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,322 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 13 00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:32,491 Just me and a bunch of young boy-- 14 00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:35,160 -Usually shirtless young boys. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 15 00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:36,328 Y'all ready? 16 00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:38,205 WHITMER: These skater boys will always film each other 17 00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:40,165 landing tricks and shit. 18 00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:42,960 Sometimes they'll have me film them doing trick-- 19 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:46,630 To be honest, my camera roll, chock full of 14-year-old boys. 20 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,340 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 21 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,802 Choppin' broccoli, choppin' brocc-- 22 00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:53,637 I noticed that skater boys have this thing 23 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,013 that they do whenever they get hurt, 24 00:00:55,097 --> 00:00:56,598 like, they won't admit to it. 25 00:00:56,682 --> 00:00:58,976 Like, they could have blood pouring down their face, 26 00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,811 and their buddy will come up to them and be like... 27 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,813 (IMITATES SKATER) "Oh, my God, dude, what happened, man? 28 00:01:02,854 --> 00:01:04,147 Are you okay?" And they'll be like, 29 00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:07,317 "I'm totally fine. I just had the sudden urge to go inside." 30 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:11,280 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -WHITMER: (NORMALLY) Like, it's okay, pal. 31 00:01:11,363 --> 00:01:12,656 You could admit you're hurt, man. 32 00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,741 Hey, hey. (SCREAMS) 33 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:18,328 I was lucky as a kid, you know? I wasn't too good at skating. 34 00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:20,664 And at one point, we hit hard times. 35 00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:22,082 And then every time I'd go skate, 36 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,333 my mom would be like... 37 00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:25,210 (IN FEMININE SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Please don't get hurt today. 38 00:01:25,294 --> 00:01:26,545 We don't have insurance." (CHUCKLES) 39 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:28,422 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -(KID SCREAMS) 40 00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:30,632 WHITMER: (NORMALLY) But I like that, 41 00:01:30,716 --> 00:01:31,842 'cause my buddies would be like... 42 00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,677 (IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Today, you gotta drop in 43 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,846 from the tallest half-pipe at the skate park." 44 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,389 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -And I'd be like, 45 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:40,350 "I wish I could, man, but sadly, I don't have insurance." 46 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:43,854 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 47 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,689 WHITMER: (NORMALLY) Pretty cool, pretty cool. 48 00:01:45,731 --> 00:01:49,568 ♪ ("COOLER WHEN I'M SICK" BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING) ♪ 49 00:01:55,824 --> 00:02:01,288 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 50 00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:03,999 WHITMER: Let's do it. 51 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:26,938 ♪ Oh, tonight Under these lights I will try ♪ 52 00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:32,194 {\an8}♪ Too old for angst ♪ 53 00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:36,323 ♪ And this stupid Little twinkle in my eye ♪ 54 00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:42,245 ♪ Oh, desperation ♪ 55 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:47,668 ♪ For approval masked as A willingness to entertain ♪ 56 00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:52,130 ♪ I feel insane I feel so lame ♪ 57 00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:57,094 ♪ And when the going gets tough Well, I lose all integrity ♪ 58 00:02:57,135 --> 00:03:01,098 ♪ Tonight, under these lights ♪ 59 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:05,519 ♪ And I got this stupid Little twinkle in my eye ♪ 60 00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:11,566 ♪ Yes, I will try For you, I will ♪ 61 00:03:14,152 --> 00:03:16,446 ♪ I will try very hard ♪ 62 00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,992 ♪ I will try very hard ♪ 63 00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:25,956 ♪ I will try very hard ♪ 64 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:32,003 ♪ For you I will try very hard always ♪ 65 00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:36,383 ♪ Oh! Trying will remain criminal ♪ 66 00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:39,803 ♪ Subliminal thoughts Creep in my brain ♪ 67 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:44,141 ♪ If it's quiet do an impression Of Sir Michael Caine ♪ 68 00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:46,017 (IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE) ♪ Some people, Master Wayne ♪ 69 00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:47,978 ♪ Just wanna watch The world burn ♪ 70 00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:50,647 {\an8}♪ Just wanna watch The world burn ♪ 71 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:55,026 (NORMALLY) ♪ Oh! My ex told me I'm cooler when I'm sick ♪ 72 00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:59,364 ♪ And I feel so diseased I can't help it ♪ 73 00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:01,658 -♪ I wanna scream ♪ -(SCREAMS) 74 00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:04,161 -♪ I wanna scream ♪ -(SCREAMS) 75 00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:08,957 ♪ We can't crush the caveat Can't crush the caveat ♪ 76 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:10,876 ♪ When I chew gum ♪ 77 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:15,714 ♪ I put the whole bag In my mouth at once ♪ 78 00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:19,843 ♪ Or else I can't taste it When I play with kids ♪ 79 00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:24,347 ♪ I often commit Too hard to the bit ♪ 80 00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:30,353 ♪ And freak them the fuck out ♪ 81 00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:34,524 ♪ Because I try ♪ 82 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:38,987 ♪ I try very hard for you ♪ 83 00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:43,742 ♪ I try very hard always ♪ 84 00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,828 ♪ Oh! When I was young ♪ 85 00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:51,458 ♪ I talked like Tom Green For one entire year ♪ 86 00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:55,378 ♪ While my parents Were both in rehab ♪ 87 00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:58,089 ♪ I guess I do my best ♪ 88 00:04:58,173 --> 00:05:02,886 ♪ You never really deal With things that are real ♪ 89 00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:06,765 ♪ My ex told me I'm cooler when I'm sick ♪ 90 00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:08,558 ♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪ 91 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:12,729 -(SCREAMING) -♪ (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 92 00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,564 WHITMER: (HEAVY METAL SCREAMING) ♪ Terminal! ♪ 93 00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,360 ♪ Crew of dudes! ♪ 94 00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,071 ♪ Crew of dudes! ♪ 95 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,240 -♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪ -(NORMALLY) Give it up for my band, y'all. 96 00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:27,160 (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) 97 00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:35,043 We all grew up in Alabama together. 98 00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:36,795 We've known each other pretty much our whole lives. 99 00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:39,214 That's-- That's my best friend Jeramy right there. 100 00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:41,341 (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) 101 00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:43,468 WHITMER: That's my best friend, Clay, right there. 102 00:05:43,552 --> 00:05:44,886 (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) 103 00:05:44,970 --> 00:05:47,097 WHITMER: And this is my best friend, Budd, right here. 104 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,974 (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) 105 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:51,226 Actually, Budd did not grow up in Alabama. 106 00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:52,769 We did not grow up with him. 107 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,814 He's from California. He's a coastal elitist. 108 00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,691 (AUDIENCE BOOING) 109 00:05:57,774 --> 00:06:00,068 I've only known this man for 18 years. 110 00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:02,279 He's basically a fucking stranger to me, 111 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,614 and I don't know what he's doing on stage tonight. 112 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:07,701 (HESITATES) I consider you one of my closest friends. 113 00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:09,494 -I-- It hurts-- -WHITMER: Fuck you. 114 00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:10,787 It hurt-- Oh. 115 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,623 -WHITMER: I hate you. -All right. 116 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:18,128 And everybody, let him hear it. My big brother, Johnny. 117 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:22,173 (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) 118 00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:24,342 WHITMER: He's huge. He's huge. 119 00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:26,344 Look at him. He's huge. (CHUCKLES) 120 00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,388 (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) 121 00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:34,769 Man, I really, really want to be cool. 122 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,857 Like I do everything in my power to be cool, man. 123 00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:42,110 I try to buy the right clothes and listen to the right music. 124 00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:45,030 Ah, it'd be so cool to just be like the coolest guy ever. 125 00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:46,656 (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) 126 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,868 The coolest type of guy there is is an LOL guy. 127 00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,829 I don't know if y'all know this style of guy. 128 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,748 An LOL guy is a guy to where you, like, 129 00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:55,999 text him the funniest thing 130 00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,835 you've ever seen in your whole life. 131 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:03,340 -And then six weeks later... -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 132 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:06,843 -...he responds, "LOL." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 133 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,845 Which is sort of the same thing as going, 134 00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:10,847 "Mm, I don't care if you live or die." 135 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:14,267 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -That's a cool guy. 136 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:16,144 That's the kind of guy I want to be, man, 137 00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:17,562 but that ain't me, man. 138 00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:20,023 You text me something that's actually funny, 139 00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,859 I won't say "LOL," I'll already be on your doorstep 140 00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:24,319 and you'll just hear me outside going... 141 00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:26,029 (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) 142 00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:29,282 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 143 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,870 (IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE) 'Cause some people just wanna watch the world burn. 144 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:37,415 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 145 00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:41,628 (NORMALLY) That's the... That's the second time 146 00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:43,713 I've done an impression of Michael Caine tonight. 147 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:46,007 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 148 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:47,634 I don't know. I don't care if it's hacky. 149 00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:51,554 -It's really funny to do that. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 150 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:52,889 Really, I just think it's funny that, 151 00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:55,892 you know, that's a quote from The Dark Knight, 152 00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:58,103 and that's one of the biggest movies ever made, 153 00:07:58,186 --> 00:07:59,562 directed by Christopher Nolan, 154 00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,440 who's one of the most powerful directors there is, 155 00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:07,028 and he didn't have it in him to say to Michael Caine, um, 156 00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:08,488 "Hey, Michael Caine, I was wondering 157 00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:11,658 if, uh, maybe, uh, you could redo that line, 158 00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:15,036 'cause, uh, we wanted to use it in the trailer, 159 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,038 and nobody knows what the fuck you're saying." 160 00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:19,040 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 161 00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:21,376 And then all that Michael Caine could muster was... 162 00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:26,381 -(IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE MUMBLING) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 163 00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,258 All right, I guess I'll just live with that. 164 00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:30,927 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 165 00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:33,138 (INHALES DEEPLY) I think it's pretty clear 166 00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:36,558 that I'm really good at impressions. (CHUCKLES) 167 00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:41,312 I can basically do an impression of anybody. 168 00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:42,939 All I gotta do is get your first name 169 00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:44,274 and what you do for a living, 170 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,234 and I'll do a perfect impression of you. 171 00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:49,446 So, I'd like to do that tonight, if that's okay. 172 00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:54,075 Um, would it be okay if I did an impression of you? Okay. 173 00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:55,952 All I gotta do is just, uh, 174 00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,829 get your first name and what you do for a living. 175 00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:59,122 I'll do a perfect impression. 176 00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:01,291 Okay. I'm Ian, and I'm a writer. 177 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,001 (IN WHINY VOICE) "My name's Ian, I'm a writer." 178 00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:06,629 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 179 00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:09,632 (NORMALLY) Sorry, Ian, you sound annoying, man. 180 00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:12,802 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 181 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,847 I think it's pretty clear that I was raised by addicts. 182 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:20,268 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -But that's okay, that's okay. 183 00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:22,812 Sadly, my mom drank herself to death. 184 00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:24,314 But, uh, you know, 185 00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:27,692 I figured I'm gonna name my first kid in her honor. 186 00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:30,570 Yeah, I'm gonna name my first kid Al-Anon. 187 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,659 -Can I talk to you over here? -Yeah. 188 00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:39,287 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 189 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:40,580 CLAY TATUM: That wasn't good, right? 190 00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:42,540 -Yeah. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 191 00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:44,876 -CLAY: We could do better? -Yeah. Yeah, I'll do better. 192 00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:46,336 -CLAY: Let's do that. -All right. Okay. 193 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:49,756 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 194 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:55,095 All right, from here on out, I'm gonna do a better job. 195 00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:58,681 Now, you go one way or the other when you're raised by an addict. 196 00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,309 You either become a cool, impenetrable mystery, 197 00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,186 or you become a squeaky little dumbass. 198 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,188 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -♪ (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 199 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,398 And I'll let y'all decide which one of those I am. 200 00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:09,234 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 201 00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:14,030 This is my impression of a, uh... 202 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,366 of, like, a serious folk musician 203 00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:20,328 whose harmonica is just a little too far away from him. 204 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:24,707 Actually, I don't gotta do it. 205 00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:27,043 -I just explained it pretty good. (CHUCKLES) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 206 00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:30,171 ♪ (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 207 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,971 ♪ In my mind I'm a pretty cool guy ♪ 208 00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:42,267 ♪ With an ass for a chin And fuck me eyes ♪ 209 00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:45,395 ♪ Who'd win a race If I gave a shit ♪ 210 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:49,232 ♪ But I don't feel like it ♪ 211 00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:52,402 ♪ I'm never lonely When I'm alone ♪ 212 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:56,614 ♪ Livin' in my minimal Postmodern home ♪ 213 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:59,617 ♪ My famous friends Let me cut in line ♪ 214 00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:03,079 ♪ I'm a, I'm a I'm a pretty cool guy ♪ 215 00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:04,122 ♪ All right now! ♪ 216 00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:08,293 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 217 00:11:11,462 --> 00:11:14,299 ♪ Watching Buffalo '66 ♪ 218 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:18,094 ♪ Dressin' like River Phoenix ♪ 219 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:24,767 ♪ Kerouac and Wim Wenders Times Square, David Byrne ♪ 220 00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:28,771 ♪ And do the dead really die If they still piss you off? ♪ 221 00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:32,150 ♪ I wrote the book On how to get lost ♪ 222 00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:35,653 ♪ And I ain't afraid To get a little dark ♪ 223 00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:38,781 ♪ Like The Panic In Needle Park ♪ 224 00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:43,286 ♪ But I'm a bright little star When I'm in my room ♪ 225 00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:46,456 ♪ A butterfly baby in a cocoon ♪ 226 00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:50,168 ♪ And I don't care But I'll still ask you ♪ 227 00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:54,756 ♪ I do, I do, I do as they do! ♪ 228 00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:59,219 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 229 00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:04,641 ♪ Am I eccentric Or just a dick? ♪ 230 00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:08,645 ♪ Ripping cigs and talking shit Into the wild blue ♪ 231 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,814 ♪ You gotta be a fool To fool the fool ♪ 232 00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:16,152 ♪ Who's thinking That they are fooling you ♪ 233 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:19,155 ♪ In my mind you want me back ♪ 234 00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:22,992 ♪ 'Cause I'm the only one Who can make you laugh ♪ 235 00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:26,329 ♪ I'll hate your art Till you compliment mine ♪ 236 00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:29,624 ♪ I'm a, I'm a I'm a pretty cool guy ♪ 237 00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:30,833 ♪ That's right, hey ♪ 238 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:39,425 -Take it, Clay! -(AUDIENCE CHEERING) 239 00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:50,019 ♪ Lately I realize I tell when I'm blue ♪ 240 00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:53,398 ♪ There's nothin' in the past I'd want to undo ♪ 241 00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:57,777 ♪ You didn't break my heart Baby, I don't miss you ♪ 242 00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,529 ♪ It's true, it's true ♪ 243 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,740 ♪ It's true It's true, it's true ♪ 244 00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:08,871 -(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) -♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪ 245 00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,708 I've always, like, wanted to be something, you know? 246 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,544 Like, when I was a little kid, I was in Christmas choir, 247 00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:16,254 and I would stand on the edge of the risers, 248 00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:18,506 and we'd get to the end of the show, and we'd go... 249 00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:21,551 ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪ 250 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,178 Then I'd hop off the edge of the risers and go... 251 00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:27,974 -♪ And many more ♪ -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 252 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,934 (CHUCKLES) The teacher would be like, "What the hell?" 253 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:32,228 And I'd be like, "I want to be the star." 254 00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:33,688 -(CHUCKLES) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 255 00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:35,398 WHITMER: 'Cause I was so jealous 256 00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,233 of kids who did get to be the star. 257 00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:39,736 Like, I remember the first time my mom, she, like, 258 00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:43,740 showed me a music video of the band Hanson. 259 00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:46,075 And I remember just sitting there going, 260 00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:48,578 "I want those fucking kids dead, Ma." 261 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:49,912 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 262 00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:51,539 "I want them fucking dead, Ma. 263 00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:55,543 I want them dead. I want them to die violently, Ma." 264 00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:59,797 But the truth is, I was just jealous of them. 265 00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:02,550 Because they're really cool-looking kids, 266 00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:05,595 and they can all sing like California Raisins. And... 267 00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:07,263 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 268 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,891 ...I wanted to be like that. You know? 269 00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:11,476 I wanted to be that way. 270 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:16,814 Johnny has a son named Ronin. He's a great dad. 271 00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:20,777 -(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) -WHITMER: Yeah. 272 00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:23,112 He's got a son who's, uh-- He's a kid, you know? 273 00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:27,325 He's in elementary school. And he's a cool kid, you know? 274 00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:30,620 But I worry sometimes that he's like me, 275 00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,164 how I was when I was a kid, you know? 276 00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:37,126 And so every time I go back to Alabama and I look at him, 277 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,504 I look at him kind of like how Forrest Gump 278 00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:41,839 looks at his son at the end of the movie... 279 00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:44,592 when-- you know, when he's like... 280 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:51,974 -(BREATHES HEAVILY) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 281 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:55,728 -(IMITATES FORREST GUMP) "Is he like me?" -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 282 00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,982 (NORMALLY) And Jenny's like, "No, he's fucking normal." 283 00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,776 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 284 00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,986 Weird part of the movie, weird turn. 285 00:15:06,656 --> 00:15:08,491 I don't think he's gonna be like me, you know, 286 00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:11,494 'cause he can, like, speak up in a way that I never could, 287 00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:13,246 'cause I wanted everybody to like me. 288 00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:16,499 Like, we were at our grandfather's 98th birthday party, 289 00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:17,834 and a bunch of old fuckers 290 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,710 were singing happy birthday to him. 291 00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,797 And Ronin comes up to me and Johnny, and he goes... 292 00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:27,635 -"I'm bored." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 293 00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:29,929 And then he slowly pointed at everyone. 294 00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:33,349 He goes, "Everyone here is bored." 295 00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:36,602 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 296 00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:40,356 And when I was like five years old, 297 00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:43,151 Johnny had his birthday party at Benihana. 298 00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:46,529 And he didn't want me to go. He was in middle school 299 00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:49,490 and he wanted all of his, like, middle school friends to go. 300 00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:52,034 And it was weird for a five-year-old to go, you know, 301 00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,703 because they probably wanted to like 302 00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:56,038 -practice cussing or whatever. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 303 00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:58,082 Can't do that with a five-- And that's true. 304 00:15:58,166 --> 00:15:59,750 Middle school kids, they gotta practice cussing. 305 00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:02,545 They don't know how to do it right yet. 306 00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,381 It's true, go listen to a bunch of middle school kids talk. 307 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,842 Their cusses don't quite add up yet. 308 00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:09,510 They'll be like... 309 00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:11,888 (IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Dude, if my mom doesn't let me spend the night tonight, 310 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,056 I'm gonna burp in a cup and shove it in her pussy." 311 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,267 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 312 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:19,896 (NORMALLY) I've heard someone say it. I have. 313 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,314 No, they wanted to be doing that. 314 00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:23,065 They didn't want me there, but my dad was like, 315 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,775 "Dude, just let your little brother go, man." 316 00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:25,902 So, I get to go, 317 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,862 and I'm sitting there across from my brother 318 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:30,114 and all of his cool buddies, and, you know, 319 00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,575 they're just kind of looking at me like... 320 00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:34,911 while the chef is grilling up a bunch of shit. 321 00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:37,288 And the chef notices that I'm the odd man out. 322 00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,540 And the chef kind of looks at me and he's like... 323 00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:41,167 Like... 324 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,419 {\an8}And so the... Shref grills up a shrimp 325 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:44,921 and he pops that sucker into my mouth. 326 00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:47,715 -I catch it with ease like that. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 327 00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:50,134 And my brother and all of his buddies look at me like, 328 00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:52,220 "That's the coolest thing I've ever seen in my--" (LAUGHS) 329 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,764 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 330 00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:57,433 And I'm like, "I'm in. Chef, keep them coming. 331 00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:58,476 Let's go, man." 332 00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,144 Chef just keeps on grilling up shrimp 333 00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:01,938 and popping those bad boys into my mouth. 334 00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:03,940 I'm catching them left and right. 335 00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:05,274 And with every shrimp, 336 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:08,569 my brother loved me just a little bit more. 337 00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:10,154 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 338 00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:12,907 And I remember after, like, the tenth or 11th shrimp, 339 00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,617 my dad saying to the chef, 340 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,786 "Hey, man, cool it with the shrimp, pal." 341 00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:18,120 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 342 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,623 And I was like, "No, no, one more, Chef, one more. 343 00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:22,542 One more." 344 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,961 The chef grills up a shrimp, he pops it into my mouth, 345 00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:26,754 I catch it like that, 346 00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,298 start chewing it up, try to swallow, I can't, 347 00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:31,342 I throw up all over the table, 348 00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:33,636 and it starts cooking my throw up. 349 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:37,682 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -And it smelled bad. 350 00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:41,602 I ruined my big brother's birthday that night, 351 00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:43,479 'cause I wanted him to love me. 352 00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:48,192 Couldn't tell that chef to stop, 353 00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:51,362 'cause he was doing a really, really good job. 354 00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:53,656 I still can't tell people to stop. 355 00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:55,783 Like, every time I've ever gotten a massage, 356 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:58,995 -it's too hard and I'm cold. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 357 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,080 You ain't gonna hear nothing out of me. 358 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,042 You know, after that whole situation, 359 00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:07,628 me and my big brother became best friends, you know? 360 00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:11,382 And Johnny, he hit a rough patch, I'd say. 361 00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:12,466 A rough patch. 362 00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,219 You know, in, like, eighth grade, maybe, 363 00:18:15,303 --> 00:18:17,513 where he sort of stopped communicating 364 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:20,433 -and just started barking all the time. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 365 00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:23,436 And my mom and dad were, like, concerned, and they, like, 366 00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,688 took him to get, like, tested and shit, 367 00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:29,400 'cause he was barking probably a year straight. 368 00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:34,405 I'd say six words a day. Other than that, it was a bark. 369 00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:36,907 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 370 00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,035 So, they take him to, like, 371 00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:41,287 a bunch of different people to get tested for Tourette's 372 00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:43,748 and autism and all this different shit. 373 00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:45,207 And then eventually they just take him 374 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:48,461 to a true blue therapist. And the therapist is like, 375 00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:51,380 "Johnny, just tell me, why do you bark?" 376 00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:53,299 And he goes, "'Cause it makes 377 00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,718 my little brother laugh really hard." 378 00:18:55,801 --> 00:19:00,556 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 379 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,059 WHITMER: That's what kind of man this guy is right here. 380 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:07,980 (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) 381 00:19:10,941 --> 00:19:12,777 That's a good friend right there. 382 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,739 You know who's a fucking really bad friend? 383 00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:20,743 -Buffalo wings. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 384 00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:23,954 -Come with me on this. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 385 00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:26,957 Buffalo wings is a terrible friend, all right? 386 00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:28,709 Here's how I know. 387 00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:30,753 'Cause pizza, they're killing it. 388 00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:34,173 It's way back in the '80s or whenever pizza was invented. 389 00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:37,259 Pizza's killing it, all right? 390 00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:40,304 Pizza's getting eaten at restaurants. 391 00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:41,430 It's getting delivered. 392 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,432 And pizza's, like, talking to the other pizzas, going, 393 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,309 "You know what? We're kind of killing it, guys. 394 00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:48,104 And I'd like to be able to help someone else out right now 395 00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:49,522 because of all of our success. 396 00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:51,524 We have the time. We have the money. 397 00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:53,984 Let's help someone." And then another pizza's like, 398 00:19:54,068 --> 00:19:55,444 "Yeah, yeah, you know who I really like? 399 00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:58,614 I'm a huge fan of Buffalo wings." 400 00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:02,159 So, pizza tosses Buffalo wings onto the menu. 401 00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:04,954 And now every time you get pizza, 402 00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:07,123 no matter if it's in a restaurant or delivered, 403 00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:09,625 you always have the option for Buffalo wings. 404 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,627 And then Buffalo wings starts popping off, 405 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:16,048 -building a huge fan base. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 406 00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:18,467 They're getting so big, 407 00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:20,177 they might have to go out on their own, 408 00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:22,138 start their own thing, you know? 409 00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:25,057 Buffalo wing goes, they start their own restaurant. 410 00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:27,893 But who do they have for a side? 411 00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,480 They sure as hell don't have pizza, 412 00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,482 -I'll tell you that much. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 413 00:20:33,524 --> 00:20:37,027 Pizza is nowhere to be found at a Buffalo wing restaurant. 414 00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:40,823 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 415 00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,117 Who does Buffalo wings bring along? 416 00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:47,163 -Fucking French fries. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 417 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,331 You son of a bitch. 418 00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:53,335 Not only is Buffalo wings a bad friend, 419 00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:55,713 Buffalo wings is also a fucking idiot. 420 00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:58,549 Because guess what, Buffalo wings? 421 00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:03,262 French fries is not your friend. French fries is burgers' friend. 422 00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:07,349 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 423 00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:19,195 All right, thanks for walking... walking with me there. 424 00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:23,240 (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) 425 00:21:23,324 --> 00:21:25,201 We were so lucky, you know, like, 426 00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:27,077 we've known each other for so long 427 00:21:27,161 --> 00:21:30,206 and we... we really haven't ever made new friends, 428 00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:33,209 other than this little strange fucker right there. 429 00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:34,710 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 430 00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:37,087 -I... (CHUCKLES) I love you. -How-- (LAUGHS) 431 00:21:37,171 --> 00:21:40,382 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -(CHUCKLES) 432 00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:42,718 WHITMER: We never made new friends. 433 00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:45,304 We would try, we would sort of vet new friends. 434 00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:46,722 Maybe some of y'all have done this. 435 00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:48,432 You ever, like, hang out with a new friend 436 00:21:48,516 --> 00:21:50,559 who says toot instead of fart? 437 00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:52,978 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 438 00:21:54,772 --> 00:21:56,106 It's like, "Buddy, you're on strike two 439 00:21:56,190 --> 00:21:58,484 after holding your nose when you jumped into the pool." 440 00:21:58,567 --> 00:22:01,195 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 441 00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:06,659 When Jeramy first moved to L.A., I let him live in my car. 442 00:22:07,284 --> 00:22:10,955 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 443 00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:13,666 Well, he lived in my apartment for a second, 444 00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:15,584 then he got in trouble with my landlord, 445 00:22:15,668 --> 00:22:17,419 so I had to let him live in my car. 446 00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:20,256 And it was nice, he would get off work 447 00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:22,758 and go find wherever my car was parked and he'd go to sleep. 448 00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:25,469 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -It was pretty nice. 449 00:22:26,387 --> 00:22:28,138 But one night, I had a girl over, 450 00:22:28,222 --> 00:22:30,933 and around 5:00 a.m., I had to take her home. 451 00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:33,018 And we're driving, driving, driving. 452 00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:38,899 And then in the rearview mirror, she just saw... (GROANS LOUDLY) 453 00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:40,109 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 454 00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:42,361 She lets out a blood-curdling scream. 455 00:22:42,987 --> 00:22:44,113 And then I had to go, 456 00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:46,657 "It's okay! He just lives in my car!" 457 00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:49,034 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 458 00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,789 So, me and Johnny lived in Birmingham. 459 00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:55,457 And then when I was ten years old, 460 00:22:55,541 --> 00:22:58,168 we moved down to Gulf Shores, Alabama, 461 00:22:58,252 --> 00:23:00,796 which is like a little beach trash town 462 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,798 on the Gulf of Mexico. 463 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:04,133 Jeramy was actually the first friend 464 00:23:04,216 --> 00:23:06,135 -I ever met down there. -(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER) 465 00:23:06,176 --> 00:23:08,304 WHITMER: And, you know, I'm walking on the beach, 466 00:23:08,345 --> 00:23:10,139 I'm 11 years old, and I see Jeramy 467 00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:12,558 digging through an ashtray to try to find a cigarette 468 00:23:12,641 --> 00:23:14,143 that hadn't been smoked too much, 469 00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:15,978 so he could get a couple of drags. 470 00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:17,646 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 471 00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:18,981 WHITMER: And I go, "What's up, dude?" 472 00:23:19,023 --> 00:23:20,190 And he goes... 473 00:23:20,274 --> 00:23:22,192 (IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "What's up, man? My name Jeramy, 474 00:23:22,276 --> 00:23:24,820 and that teenage girl over there is Sally, 475 00:23:24,904 --> 00:23:26,655 and her boyfriend is Nick. 476 00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:29,575 And Sally lets Nick do anal." 477 00:23:29,658 --> 00:23:32,786 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 478 00:23:34,288 --> 00:23:35,998 (NORMALLY) And I was like, "What's Dewanul?" 479 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,167 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 480 00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:39,335 I went home, and I was like... 481 00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:41,211 (IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Johnny, what's Dewanul?" 482 00:23:41,295 --> 00:23:44,214 -(CHUCKLES) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 483 00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:47,968 (NORMALLY) Anyway, I'm just saying all that to say 484 00:23:48,052 --> 00:23:49,178 you grow up fast as hell 485 00:23:49,219 --> 00:23:51,680 whenever you grow up in a beach trash town. 486 00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:53,807 You grow up real quick, okay? 487 00:23:55,392 --> 00:23:58,020 Mm, all that talk about cigarette, mm. 488 00:23:58,103 --> 00:23:59,521 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 489 00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:02,566 Jeramy, pop me a cig, man. Toss me a cig, dawg. 490 00:24:04,401 --> 00:24:09,657 -Thanks. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 491 00:24:11,116 --> 00:24:12,660 You got a lighter? (CLICKS TONGUE) 492 00:24:14,328 --> 00:24:17,706 -Come on, Jer. -AUDIENCE MEMBER: Come on, man. 493 00:24:17,790 --> 00:24:19,375 -(AUDIENCE MEMBER SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) -Fuck it. 494 00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:24,088 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) 495 00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:30,761 Mm. Get real buzzed off that. I like that. 496 00:24:32,888 --> 00:24:34,014 I like that buzz. 497 00:24:34,098 --> 00:24:36,350 ♪ ("BOARDSHORTS" BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING) ♪ 498 00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:39,103 ♪ When I was a teen ♪ 499 00:24:40,896 --> 00:24:43,273 ♪ I took my girl to the beach ♪ 500 00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:50,781 ♪ And we kissed under a blanket As the sun went down ♪ 501 00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:52,199 Give me something, brother. 502 00:24:54,159 --> 00:24:56,620 ♪ She sucked on my neck ♪ 503 00:24:56,704 --> 00:24:58,414 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 504 00:24:58,455 --> 00:25:00,624 ♪ And I touched her breasts ♪ 505 00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:07,756 ♪ Then her hand crawled up My Billabong board shorts ♪ 506 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:11,760 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -♪ Or maybe they were Volcom ♪ 507 00:25:11,802 --> 00:25:15,931 ♪ This is the best night Of my life ♪ 508 00:25:16,015 --> 00:25:20,102 ♪ I said As she tickled my inner thigh ♪ 509 00:25:20,144 --> 00:25:24,773 ♪ I said, "You're wild" ♪ 510 00:25:24,857 --> 00:25:28,610 ♪ She said "I haven't even started yet" ♪ 511 00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:31,697 ♪ She began to graze ♪ 512 00:25:33,407 --> 00:25:37,411 ♪ My shaft and balls and taint ♪ 513 00:25:37,453 --> 00:25:43,834 -♪ And I immediately came ♪ -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 514 00:25:46,712 --> 00:25:50,966 ♪ I looked her In her pretty eyes ♪ 515 00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:55,763 ♪ And profusely apologized ♪ 516 00:25:55,846 --> 00:25:59,683 ♪ She said, "For what? Why?" ♪ 517 00:25:59,767 --> 00:26:04,021 ♪ At that moment I realized ♪ 518 00:26:04,104 --> 00:26:08,650 ♪ That I could see Both of her hands ♪ 519 00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:12,905 ♪ I lifted up the blanket And I ran ♪ 520 00:26:12,988 --> 00:26:17,993 ♪ The tiniest little sand crab ♪ 521 00:26:18,035 --> 00:26:19,953 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 522 00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:25,876 ♪ A crab covered in my cum ♪ 523 00:26:25,959 --> 00:26:30,172 ♪ Crab covered in cum Crab covered in my cum ♪ 524 00:26:30,214 --> 00:26:34,343 ♪ Crab covered in cum Crab covered in my cum ♪ 525 00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:37,012 ♪ Crab covered in cum ♪ 526 00:26:37,054 --> 00:26:42,309 ♪ Crab covered in my cum ♪ 527 00:26:43,018 --> 00:26:44,770 (CHEERS, WHOOPS) 528 00:26:45,562 --> 00:26:47,022 ♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪ 529 00:26:47,064 --> 00:26:48,774 -(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) -(LIGHTER CLICKS) 530 00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:50,400 WHITMER: You had a lighter the whole time? 531 00:26:52,945 --> 00:26:53,946 Oh, man. (CHUCKLES) 532 00:26:54,029 --> 00:26:56,198 That was a girl crab, by the way. 533 00:26:56,281 --> 00:26:58,200 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 534 00:26:58,242 --> 00:27:00,410 -How do you know? -What? 535 00:27:00,494 --> 00:27:01,703 AUDIENCE MEMBER: How do you know? 536 00:27:01,745 --> 00:27:03,330 'Cause she was wearing a string bikini. 537 00:27:03,413 --> 00:27:05,415 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 538 00:27:05,499 --> 00:27:08,919 -I'm a beta male. (LAUGHS) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 539 00:27:09,002 --> 00:27:11,380 I'm a beta male through and through, man. 540 00:27:11,421 --> 00:27:12,631 I wish I was an alpha male. 541 00:27:12,714 --> 00:27:14,716 That'd be great, like a big old guy. 542 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,719 Like a... I don't know. (CHUCKLES) 543 00:27:17,761 --> 00:27:19,763 Driving his truck around with an energy drink, 544 00:27:19,847 --> 00:27:22,432 just going like, "Hubba-hubba," or whatever. 545 00:27:22,516 --> 00:27:24,601 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 546 00:27:25,727 --> 00:27:29,022 "Hubba-hubba." You know, alpha male stuff. 547 00:27:29,690 --> 00:27:30,941 That'd be so cool. 548 00:27:32,151 --> 00:27:33,819 By the way, every time I see an alpha male, 549 00:27:33,902 --> 00:27:36,905 like, drinking one of them big ol' Monster energy drinks, 550 00:27:36,989 --> 00:27:41,535 -I'm like, "Aw, he's sleepy." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 551 00:27:41,618 --> 00:27:42,703 That's sweet. 552 00:27:43,912 --> 00:27:45,247 Beta male, beta male, 553 00:27:45,289 --> 00:27:47,166 I'm a beta male through and through. 554 00:27:47,958 --> 00:27:50,586 And the most beta move of all time, 555 00:27:50,627 --> 00:27:52,546 the other night I had a wet dream 556 00:27:52,629 --> 00:27:56,717 -where I was jacking off. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 557 00:27:58,927 --> 00:28:00,929 I wasn't hooking up with Carmen Electra, 558 00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:03,515 nothing like-- I wasn't even hooking up with a crab. 559 00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:07,519 I was just jacking off to completion... 560 00:28:08,478 --> 00:28:11,982 -in my dark little room. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 561 00:28:13,192 --> 00:28:17,112 I'm not a smart guy, but I have a lot of thoughts. 562 00:28:17,196 --> 00:28:19,740 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 563 00:28:21,074 --> 00:28:24,119 I think I get it from my dad. Like, my dad 564 00:28:24,161 --> 00:28:27,289 is very emotionally intelligent, you know? 565 00:28:27,331 --> 00:28:30,751 But, you know, he suffers a little bit in the brain game. 566 00:28:31,668 --> 00:28:33,337 Like, when I was a super little kid, 567 00:28:33,420 --> 00:28:35,881 I remember he took me to see the movie Toy Story, 568 00:28:35,964 --> 00:28:36,965 and I remember 569 00:28:37,007 --> 00:28:38,592 about ten minutes into the movie, 570 00:28:38,675 --> 00:28:40,928 my dad saying to himself, he goes... 571 00:28:41,511 --> 00:28:42,888 "Oh, this is a cartoon." 572 00:28:42,971 --> 00:28:46,308 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 573 00:28:46,391 --> 00:28:48,644 It took him ten minutes. 574 00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:49,853 Ten minutes! 575 00:28:51,438 --> 00:28:53,523 I asked him about it recently, and he was like... 576 00:28:53,607 --> 00:28:55,484 (ANGRILY) "Of course I remember that, dude! 577 00:28:55,567 --> 00:28:58,695 I had never seen anything like that before! 578 00:28:58,779 --> 00:29:03,283 I knew the toys was clearly a cartoon, but at first, 579 00:29:03,367 --> 00:29:06,328 all you see is the human legs, and they look real!" 580 00:29:06,370 --> 00:29:09,831 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 581 00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:13,669 (NORMALLY) One time, my dad, for Christmas, 582 00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:17,339 got me a Neil Diamond Greatest Hits CD. 583 00:29:17,422 --> 00:29:20,342 And he goes, "Dude, I just thought, man, 584 00:29:20,425 --> 00:29:21,718 I remember last Christmas 585 00:29:21,802 --> 00:29:23,720 you were talking about Neil Diamond, 586 00:29:23,804 --> 00:29:25,889 and so I figured I'd get you the Greatest Hits CD." 587 00:29:25,973 --> 00:29:27,099 And I was like, "I don't know, 588 00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:28,767 maybe I was talking about him last Christmas 589 00:29:28,850 --> 00:29:29,893 because last Christmas 590 00:29:29,977 --> 00:29:32,688 you got me the Neil Diamond Greatest Hits CD." 591 00:29:32,729 --> 00:29:35,232 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 592 00:29:36,149 --> 00:29:37,317 You can't fault him on-- 593 00:29:37,359 --> 00:29:39,778 You know, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, though, 594 00:29:39,861 --> 00:29:41,196 because a long time ago, 595 00:29:41,238 --> 00:29:46,034 I went to see that movie Curious Case of Benjamin Button, 596 00:29:46,076 --> 00:29:48,870 but I accidentally walked into the Harvey Milk movie 597 00:29:48,954 --> 00:29:50,330 starring Sean Penn. 598 00:29:51,456 --> 00:29:53,792 It took me 45 minutes before I was like, 599 00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:56,336 "I don't think that old baby's showing up." 600 00:29:56,420 --> 00:30:00,215 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Stupid as hell. 601 00:30:00,257 --> 00:30:02,884 It is cool, though, being from Alabama. Like... 602 00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:05,554 Like, when you think about superheroes, you know, 603 00:30:05,637 --> 00:30:09,558 like New York has Spider-Man, Detroit has Robocop, 604 00:30:09,641 --> 00:30:13,562 L.A. has Iron Man, but Alabama has the best superhero of all. 605 00:30:13,645 --> 00:30:16,565 -We've got Forrest Gump. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 606 00:30:16,606 --> 00:30:18,567 A lot of people don't think of him as super, 607 00:30:18,608 --> 00:30:20,902 but he's definitely super. His powers are... 608 00:30:20,944 --> 00:30:23,113 (IMITATES FORREST GUMP) ...he can run really fast... 609 00:30:23,196 --> 00:30:25,574 (NORMALLY) ...and he can affect history 610 00:30:25,615 --> 00:30:28,243 in charming and sometimes heartwarming ways. 611 00:30:28,285 --> 00:30:29,411 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 612 00:30:29,494 --> 00:30:32,372 People don't think about that. They don't think about that. 613 00:30:32,456 --> 00:30:33,540 When I was a little kid, 614 00:30:33,582 --> 00:30:35,751 I wanted to get bit by a radioactive hillbilly 615 00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:37,919 so that I'd become Forrest Gump one day. 616 00:30:38,003 --> 00:30:41,298 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -(CLEARS THROAT) 617 00:30:41,965 --> 00:30:43,008 WHITMER: What's up? 618 00:30:45,344 --> 00:30:46,845 You got something for me, Jer? 619 00:30:49,473 --> 00:30:53,477 -Oh, you have a thought too? -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 620 00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:54,936 All right, Jeramy writes... 621 00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:59,107 "Not all seafood comes from the sea." 622 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,320 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 623 00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,864 "They should call seafood water food." 624 00:31:05,947 --> 00:31:09,284 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 625 00:31:09,326 --> 00:31:14,498 -(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) -WHITMER: That's pretty good. 626 00:31:16,291 --> 00:31:19,127 No, no, no, I ain't bright, I ain't bright. 627 00:31:19,211 --> 00:31:21,296 The first time-- The first time I ever got condoms 628 00:31:21,380 --> 00:31:22,672 when I was 15 years old, 629 00:31:22,756 --> 00:31:26,468 -I bought a 48-pack. (CHUCKLES) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 630 00:31:26,551 --> 00:31:30,472 Do you know how depressing it is the day you graduate high school 631 00:31:30,514 --> 00:31:33,809 -to throw away 47 condoms? -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 632 00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:35,352 You don't feel good. 633 00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:38,980 We'd get into trouble a lot as kids, 634 00:31:39,022 --> 00:31:41,650 and I think it's 'cause we all had slow Wi-Fi. 635 00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:44,152 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -I'd be like, "Ah, shit, 636 00:31:44,194 --> 00:31:48,323 it's gonna take eight hours for Road Trip to download." 637 00:31:48,407 --> 00:31:50,992 Guess I'll go cut my neighbor's bike in half. 638 00:31:54,371 --> 00:31:57,040 I'm pretty sure the only reason our mom tried to order 639 00:31:57,124 --> 00:32:00,752 a year's supply of OxyContin off of OxyContin.com 640 00:32:01,586 --> 00:32:02,587 is 'cause she was waiting 641 00:32:02,671 --> 00:32:05,173 for "Soak Up the Sun" by Sheryl Crow to download. 642 00:32:05,257 --> 00:32:07,759 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 643 00:32:09,177 --> 00:32:11,179 I can't take cops seriously 644 00:32:11,263 --> 00:32:13,390 because I grew up in a small town 645 00:32:13,473 --> 00:32:15,517 and our town was so small 646 00:32:15,559 --> 00:32:18,812 that specific cops would pull my mom over 647 00:32:18,895 --> 00:32:21,690 just to ask her out on a date. 648 00:32:21,731 --> 00:32:24,651 And now every time I see the lights flashing behind me, 649 00:32:24,734 --> 00:32:26,736 I get pulled over and then he walks up to my car, 650 00:32:26,820 --> 00:32:30,699 I'm like, "Ah, shit, another gay cop's about to ask me out." 651 00:32:30,740 --> 00:32:33,452 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 652 00:32:35,078 --> 00:32:37,289 No, because our parents were always kind of fucking around 653 00:32:37,372 --> 00:32:40,041 doing their own thing, we could just do whatever we want. 654 00:32:40,125 --> 00:32:41,877 Like, we would ride our bikes around town 655 00:32:41,918 --> 00:32:43,837 doing Stranger Things kids shit. 656 00:32:45,255 --> 00:32:47,591 Actually, I don't know why I use them as a reference. 657 00:32:47,674 --> 00:32:49,551 That's not true at all. If the amount of things 658 00:32:49,593 --> 00:32:52,888 that happened to those Stranger Things kids in one day 659 00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:56,057 happened to me over the course of my entire life, 660 00:32:56,141 --> 00:33:00,270 -I would fucking kill myself. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 661 00:33:00,353 --> 00:33:04,441 "Oh, what's that, Mike? We gotta go save Eleven, 662 00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:07,861 'cause the Upside Down world's coming back? 663 00:33:07,944 --> 00:33:10,864 No, Mike, I'm not gonna hop on my bike and help. 664 00:33:10,947 --> 00:33:11,907 I'm gonna go home, 665 00:33:11,948 --> 00:33:14,743 and I'm gonna fucking kill myself. 666 00:33:14,784 --> 00:33:16,703 'Cause it ain't getting any easier, Mike. 667 00:33:16,745 --> 00:33:19,331 They're just gonna keep on coming, Mike." 668 00:33:19,414 --> 00:33:21,541 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 669 00:33:21,625 --> 00:33:23,877 There should be one final episode of that show 670 00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:27,422 where all those kids go to their parents' gun closet... 671 00:33:28,715 --> 00:33:32,260 they grab their fucking gun, they put it in their mouth, 672 00:33:32,302 --> 00:33:34,888 and they pull the fucking trigger. 673 00:33:34,971 --> 00:33:38,350 And that final episode should justifiably 674 00:33:38,433 --> 00:33:41,436 -be called "Normal Things." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 675 00:33:41,478 --> 00:33:44,606 (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) 676 00:33:44,689 --> 00:33:46,650 You all support child suicide. 677 00:33:48,693 --> 00:33:52,656 Cool. Alabama has, like, a lot of serious shit they wanna say, 678 00:33:52,739 --> 00:33:56,326 but they can't say it in a way to where it's not funny. 679 00:33:57,285 --> 00:33:58,620 Like, no joke, 680 00:33:58,662 --> 00:34:00,622 the pro-life signs in our hometown 681 00:34:00,664 --> 00:34:02,332 {\an8}are written in Comic Sans. 682 00:34:02,415 --> 00:34:07,295 {\an8}(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 683 00:34:07,337 --> 00:34:08,755 They want to make a statement, 684 00:34:08,838 --> 00:34:11,424 but they're just a little bit too silly. (LAUGHS) 685 00:34:12,425 --> 00:34:13,426 That's all. 686 00:34:14,469 --> 00:34:16,972 We had a lot of tourists coming to our town. 687 00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:18,848 And one of the main things they would do 688 00:34:18,932 --> 00:34:20,850 is look for sand crabs on the beach 689 00:34:20,934 --> 00:34:22,018 at night with flashlights. 690 00:34:22,102 --> 00:34:23,812 It was usually like a family, you know, 691 00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:25,230 on the shore looking for sand crabs. 692 00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:28,400 They'd walk up and down. And Clay came up with this idea 693 00:34:28,483 --> 00:34:31,653 for us to take turns just like at night, 694 00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:34,864 just sort of like laying face down in the shore 695 00:34:34,948 --> 00:34:38,577 and just kind of washing up as they approached. 696 00:34:39,869 --> 00:34:41,705 That way, it was usually, like, a dad 697 00:34:41,788 --> 00:34:43,039 and a couple kids, you know. 698 00:34:43,123 --> 00:34:45,083 They would be walking up to us, and then, you know, 699 00:34:45,166 --> 00:34:47,168 they would shine a flashlight on-- 700 00:34:47,252 --> 00:34:49,671 They would shine a flashlight onto a dead child. (LAUGHS) 701 00:34:49,713 --> 00:34:51,006 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 702 00:34:51,047 --> 00:34:53,508 And you could hear outside the water the dad go... 703 00:34:53,592 --> 00:34:55,635 (IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Kids, go back to the condo." 704 00:34:55,719 --> 00:34:56,720 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 705 00:34:56,803 --> 00:34:58,680 (NORMALLY) They would run off, and then eventually 706 00:34:58,722 --> 00:34:59,806 the dad would touch you, 707 00:34:59,889 --> 00:35:01,558 and as soon as the dad touched you, you'd go... 708 00:35:01,641 --> 00:35:03,977 -(SCREAMS) ...and run. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 709 00:35:04,060 --> 00:35:07,480 It was awesome. It was really, really funny. 710 00:35:08,690 --> 00:35:09,691 But now I'm getting older 711 00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:11,818 and I think about it and I regret it. 712 00:35:13,069 --> 00:35:15,864 I fully, completely regret doing that, 713 00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:20,535 because those kids have lived their entire life. 714 00:35:20,577 --> 00:35:22,370 You know, now they're 30 years old, 715 00:35:22,412 --> 00:35:24,039 and they've lived their whole lives 716 00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:25,248 telling their friends, 717 00:35:25,332 --> 00:35:26,541 "No, yeah, when we were kids, 718 00:35:26,625 --> 00:35:30,045 we discovered a dead child in the shore. 719 00:35:30,086 --> 00:35:33,381 We ran back to the condo, completely traumatized, 720 00:35:33,465 --> 00:35:37,302 and our dad, being a nice dad, tried to calm us down by saying, 721 00:35:37,385 --> 00:35:39,596 'Don't worry, it was just a prank.'" 722 00:35:39,679 --> 00:35:42,432 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 723 00:35:42,515 --> 00:35:43,558 I totally regret it. 724 00:35:44,392 --> 00:35:46,144 It's all right. I regret a lot of shit. 725 00:35:46,227 --> 00:35:48,855 Every day, I-- I regret doing this right now. 726 00:35:48,938 --> 00:35:50,106 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 727 00:35:50,190 --> 00:35:53,026 I'm-- I think it's good to be consumed with regret 728 00:35:53,109 --> 00:35:55,070 at every waking moment. It's good. 729 00:35:55,153 --> 00:35:57,781 It shows you got some self-awareness, all right? 730 00:35:57,864 --> 00:36:01,159 Every time I've ever met somebody who says, "No regrets," 731 00:36:01,242 --> 00:36:03,620 -it's the worst person I've ever met in my life. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 732 00:36:03,703 --> 00:36:05,246 ♪ ("MOST LIKELY" BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING) ♪ 733 00:36:05,330 --> 00:36:10,085 ♪ There should be a room At every party ♪ 734 00:36:10,126 --> 00:36:15,048 ♪ Where you can just sit And watch a movie ♪ 735 00:36:15,131 --> 00:36:20,178 ♪ But I make a fool of myself The moment I open my mouth ♪ 736 00:36:20,261 --> 00:36:26,184 ♪ If I could kick my own ass I'd knock myself out ♪ 737 00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:29,771 One, two, three, four. 738 00:36:29,854 --> 00:36:32,107 -♪ (ELECTRONIC DRUM FILL PLAYS) ♪ -WHITMER: Whoo! 739 00:36:32,190 --> 00:36:34,776 ♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪ 740 00:36:34,818 --> 00:36:36,277 (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) 741 00:36:36,319 --> 00:36:38,321 ♪ You know you're in a rut ♪ 742 00:36:38,405 --> 00:36:40,949 ♪ When you only think About the past ♪ 743 00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:42,909 ♪ Romanticize the days ♪ 744 00:36:42,951 --> 00:36:45,328 ♪ When you were too broke For a therapist ♪ 745 00:36:45,412 --> 00:36:50,291 ♪ I wanna be too jaded To be sentimental ♪ 746 00:36:50,333 --> 00:36:55,004 ♪ Self-referential Or existential ♪ 747 00:36:59,634 --> 00:37:01,970 ♪ People who say no regrets ♪ 748 00:37:02,011 --> 00:37:04,639 ♪ Have most likely done Some fucked up shit ♪ 749 00:37:04,723 --> 00:37:09,394 ♪ Most likely, likely ♪ 750 00:37:10,937 --> 00:37:12,647 ♪ Imposter syndrome's a bitch ♪ 751 00:37:12,689 --> 00:37:15,525 ♪ Man, when you move In a new direction ♪ 752 00:37:15,608 --> 00:37:19,821 ♪ Everyone can dance With nobody paying attention ♪ 753 00:37:19,863 --> 00:37:24,534 ♪ Ain't meant for introspection Just wanna roll around in dirt ♪ 754 00:37:24,617 --> 00:37:26,953 ♪ Doc don't make me do no work ♪ 755 00:37:27,036 --> 00:37:29,164 ♪ Look what you did You little jerk ♪ 756 00:37:29,247 --> 00:37:31,416 ♪ Doc don't make me do no work ♪ 757 00:37:31,499 --> 00:37:33,626 ♪ Look what you did You little jerk ♪ 758 00:37:36,045 --> 00:37:38,590 ♪ People who say no regrets ♪ 759 00:37:38,673 --> 00:37:41,050 ♪ Have most likely done Some fucked up shit ♪ 760 00:37:41,134 --> 00:37:47,348 ♪ Most likely, likely I like doing impressions ♪ 761 00:37:47,390 --> 00:37:49,601 ♪ I forgot the sound Of my voice ♪ 762 00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:54,355 ♪ Every email I've ever sent Ends with exclamation points ♪ 763 00:37:54,439 --> 00:37:58,693 ♪ I'm hardcore ashamed Wide-eyed and adoring ♪ 764 00:37:58,777 --> 00:38:04,282 ♪ Been a full 15 minutes Since I said I'm sorry ♪ 765 00:38:07,076 --> 00:38:08,286 All right, Johnny! 766 00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:13,917 (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) 767 00:38:17,545 --> 00:38:21,257 ♪ (PICKS GUITAR) ♪ 768 00:38:23,134 --> 00:38:25,345 -Fuck! -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 769 00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:28,765 ♪ People who say no regrets ♪ 770 00:38:28,848 --> 00:38:31,392 ♪ Have most likely done Some fucked up shit ♪ 771 00:38:31,476 --> 00:38:35,563 ♪ Most likely, likely ♪ 772 00:38:35,647 --> 00:38:38,024 ♪ People who say no regrets ♪ 773 00:38:38,107 --> 00:38:40,568 ♪ Have most likely done Some fucked up shit ♪ 774 00:38:40,652 --> 00:38:44,823 ♪ Most likely, likely ♪ 775 00:38:46,199 --> 00:38:48,910 ♪ I got an ocean of shame ♪ 776 00:38:48,993 --> 00:38:51,454 -♪ The wisdom of a puppy ♪ -(IMITATES BARK) 777 00:38:51,538 --> 00:38:57,460 ♪ Dog paddling against the waves Looking happy go lucky ♪ 778 00:38:57,544 --> 00:39:04,259 -♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪ -(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) 779 00:39:04,342 --> 00:39:06,261 Good show, everybody, I'm Cornholio, 780 00:39:06,344 --> 00:39:08,888 I need toilet paper for my asshole. 781 00:39:08,972 --> 00:39:10,807 How's everybody doing out there tonight? 782 00:39:10,890 --> 00:39:12,600 Just need some toilet paper for my asshole. 783 00:39:12,684 --> 00:39:14,561 'Cause I am Cornholio. 784 00:39:15,728 --> 00:39:18,523 I try to think of what, like, made me who I am. 785 00:39:18,606 --> 00:39:20,483 I've been trying to figure that out forever, 786 00:39:20,567 --> 00:39:22,777 and I think I kind of whittled it down 787 00:39:22,819 --> 00:39:24,779 to one night of my life, 788 00:39:24,821 --> 00:39:27,615 which was when we had just moved to this new town, 789 00:39:27,657 --> 00:39:30,368 Gulf Shores, right? I didn't know nobody yet. 790 00:39:30,451 --> 00:39:32,620 My dad had left. I was really sad. 791 00:39:32,662 --> 00:39:34,289 And my mom had gotten into some trouble, 792 00:39:34,372 --> 00:39:36,624 and so she had to quit drinking. 793 00:39:36,708 --> 00:39:38,167 And that night, I was really sad, 794 00:39:38,251 --> 00:39:39,919 and my mom was trying to put me to bed, 795 00:39:39,961 --> 00:39:41,629 and she would do this thing whenever I was sad, 796 00:39:41,671 --> 00:39:42,964 where she would trace my back, 797 00:39:43,047 --> 00:39:45,383 and she would say this little thing where she'd go, 798 00:39:45,466 --> 00:39:49,470 "X marks the spot with a dot, dot, dot, 799 00:39:49,554 --> 00:39:54,893 and a dash, dash, dash, and a great big question mark. 800 00:39:54,976 --> 00:40:00,982 Chills go up, chills go down, chills go all around. 801 00:40:01,024 --> 00:40:04,485 Give a breeze. (BLOWS AIR) And a squeeze." 802 00:40:04,527 --> 00:40:06,988 And right when she said squeeze, she had a seizure. 803 00:40:07,071 --> 00:40:10,158 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 804 00:40:10,241 --> 00:40:13,661 And she fell on top of me and started seizing up. 805 00:40:13,745 --> 00:40:15,496 And then she bit her tongue off. 806 00:40:15,580 --> 00:40:17,832 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 807 00:40:17,874 --> 00:40:19,334 'Cause she was going into withdrawals, 808 00:40:19,375 --> 00:40:21,044 and then she fell onto the ground, kept seizing up. 809 00:40:21,127 --> 00:40:22,503 I thought she was dying. 810 00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:23,963 But after a little while, she came to, 811 00:40:24,047 --> 00:40:25,965 and she just, like, looked up at me, 812 00:40:26,049 --> 00:40:28,676 and she was like, "What happened?" 813 00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:32,972 And I was like, "Can't I just have one moment?" 814 00:40:33,056 --> 00:40:35,808 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 815 00:40:37,060 --> 00:40:38,603 Well, no, then I called my grandparents, 816 00:40:38,686 --> 00:40:40,021 and my grandparents came and got her, 817 00:40:40,063 --> 00:40:42,148 and then they just left me and Johnny there. 818 00:40:43,483 --> 00:40:44,442 And, yeah, that was it. 819 00:40:44,525 --> 00:40:47,737 I remember just sitting in my blood bed, uh... 820 00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:49,238 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 821 00:40:49,322 --> 00:40:52,533 ...thinking, well, this is what Blink-182 822 00:40:52,575 --> 00:40:55,745 was talking about whenever they sang, 823 00:40:55,828 --> 00:41:00,333 "I guess this is growing up." (BLOWS RASPBERRY) That's this. 824 00:41:00,416 --> 00:41:02,543 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -♪ (SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 825 00:41:02,585 --> 00:41:04,921 I kind of knew that whatever my mom was going through 826 00:41:05,004 --> 00:41:06,214 was way worse than whatever 827 00:41:06,255 --> 00:41:08,216 I was gonna end up going through. 828 00:41:08,257 --> 00:41:11,260 So, I... I didn't ever wanna be a problem or an obligation. 829 00:41:11,344 --> 00:41:15,014 If anything, I wanted to be a distraction for her. 830 00:41:15,056 --> 00:41:19,185 But she was gone for a while, and me and Johnny just ended up, 831 00:41:19,227 --> 00:41:21,396 you know, living with different random family members 832 00:41:21,437 --> 00:41:23,898 or sleeping on these guys' couches. 833 00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:26,567 It was weird. 834 00:41:26,609 --> 00:41:29,821 It was kind of like living like a storm 835 00:41:29,904 --> 00:41:31,906 was gonna break over you at any time, 836 00:41:31,990 --> 00:41:34,367 and you just had to be ready to pick up and move. 837 00:41:34,450 --> 00:41:36,494 And it didn't help because there's real storms 838 00:41:36,577 --> 00:41:38,913 where we're from. There's hurricanes. 839 00:41:38,997 --> 00:41:39,956 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 840 00:41:40,039 --> 00:41:42,417 So, it's kind of like a double whammy, you know? 841 00:41:42,458 --> 00:41:44,377 But I'd always find a silver lining, 842 00:41:44,460 --> 00:41:46,587 like, um... like, uh... 843 00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:47,922 A lot of people don't know this, 844 00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:50,258 but after hurricanes, something cool happens, 845 00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:52,260 which is that you get hurricane treasure. 846 00:41:52,343 --> 00:41:53,928 (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) 847 00:41:54,012 --> 00:41:56,597 Like this one time, I got the whole Waffle House sign 848 00:41:56,639 --> 00:41:57,974 -in my front yard. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 849 00:41:58,057 --> 00:42:00,268 WHITMER: I slapped that puppy on my roof. I was like... 850 00:42:00,309 --> 00:42:02,145 (IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Y'all gotta come over. 851 00:42:02,228 --> 00:42:04,063 It's just like going to a real Waffle House." 852 00:42:04,147 --> 00:42:06,774 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -(NORMALLY) It was great, man. 853 00:42:06,816 --> 00:42:08,776 We were all going through some kind of hell as kids, 854 00:42:08,860 --> 00:42:10,611 and we didn't really have to talk about it. 855 00:42:10,695 --> 00:42:12,280 You know, these are my best friends. 856 00:42:12,363 --> 00:42:14,657 We just kind of understood each other. 857 00:42:14,741 --> 00:42:16,451 And why would we talk about it? 858 00:42:16,534 --> 00:42:18,619 Why would we ruin our Saturday 859 00:42:18,703 --> 00:42:20,705 of shooting Roman candles at a port-a-potty? 860 00:42:20,788 --> 00:42:23,166 -(FIREWORK BANGS) -KID 1: (LAUGHS) Oh, shit! 861 00:42:23,249 --> 00:42:24,542 We could sense it, you know? 862 00:42:24,625 --> 00:42:26,627 Clay could sense something was going on with me, 863 00:42:26,711 --> 00:42:27,962 and he'd be like... 864 00:42:28,004 --> 00:42:29,714 (IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Dude, guess what, man? 865 00:42:29,797 --> 00:42:31,674 I figured out how to steal chicken tenders 866 00:42:31,758 --> 00:42:33,342 out the trash behind a Walmart." 867 00:42:33,426 --> 00:42:34,886 (NORMALLY) And then we would go do that, 868 00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:36,679 and all of our problems would be solved. 869 00:42:36,763 --> 00:42:37,972 I'm so lucky 870 00:42:38,056 --> 00:42:40,725 -to have these guys. -(KID 2 SCREAMS) 871 00:42:40,808 --> 00:42:42,143 -(FARTS) -(KID 3 LAUGHS) 872 00:42:42,185 --> 00:42:44,979 (RETCHES, CHUCKLES) 873 00:42:45,063 --> 00:42:46,814 There's this interview with Jake Phelps, 874 00:42:46,898 --> 00:42:48,691 the editor of Thrasher magazine. 875 00:42:48,775 --> 00:42:51,861 He's describing a group of skaters in San Francisco 876 00:42:51,944 --> 00:42:56,324 bombing a hill into the fog as "a terminal crew of dudes." 877 00:42:56,365 --> 00:42:58,326 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 878 00:42:58,409 --> 00:42:59,994 Which I think is so poetic, you know? 879 00:43:00,036 --> 00:43:02,538 And I look at my friends up here tonight like that, 880 00:43:02,622 --> 00:43:04,999 my terminal crew of dudes. 881 00:43:05,083 --> 00:43:07,877 -We've grown up together, which is a trip. -KID 4: Fuck yeah! 882 00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:09,545 WHITMER: We've gotten to grow up together. 883 00:43:10,213 --> 00:43:11,464 Especially with Jeramy. 884 00:43:11,506 --> 00:43:14,926 Jeramy's literally addicted to getting run over by cars. 885 00:43:15,009 --> 00:43:18,554 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -WHITMER: But we made it, man. 886 00:43:19,889 --> 00:43:24,018 We're gonna be all right. My terminal crew. 887 00:43:24,102 --> 00:43:26,854 Except we're not bombing a hill into the fog or anything. 888 00:43:26,896 --> 00:43:29,398 We're just, like, skating something low-impact 889 00:43:29,482 --> 00:43:32,026 under a bridge with a bunch of shirtless boys. 890 00:43:32,068 --> 00:43:36,030 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 891 00:43:36,114 --> 00:43:39,033 Up until recently, I kind of let my parents' decisions 892 00:43:39,117 --> 00:43:42,245 dictate pretty much everything I've ever done, you know? 893 00:43:43,412 --> 00:43:45,706 I kind of thought for the longest time 894 00:43:45,748 --> 00:43:47,208 that I was a product of them, 895 00:43:47,250 --> 00:43:49,627 but in reality, I'm a product of my friends, 896 00:43:49,710 --> 00:43:52,255 and I've felt so taken care of because of them. 897 00:43:53,923 --> 00:43:59,387 You know, like... I never drank or anything because I was scared 898 00:43:59,428 --> 00:44:01,514 after seeing whatever happened to my mom. 899 00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,101 But I feel like I really know who I am now, and... 900 00:44:06,477 --> 00:44:09,522 I... I'm here to say tonight to all you folks 901 00:44:09,605 --> 00:44:12,233 that, uh, I started drinking. 902 00:44:12,275 --> 00:44:14,652 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 903 00:44:14,735 --> 00:44:18,614 -♪ (GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC RISING) ♪ -(AUDIENCE CHEERING) 904 00:44:18,698 --> 00:44:21,951 -It's awesome. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) 905 00:44:22,034 --> 00:44:25,580 Yeah. It's really cool. 906 00:44:25,621 --> 00:44:27,999 I'm hoping I get addicted to something this year. 907 00:44:28,082 --> 00:44:30,293 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -You just wait. 908 00:44:31,627 --> 00:44:36,465 ♪ (GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪ 909 00:44:45,224 --> 00:44:47,727 ♪ Kids, you're still young ♪ 910 00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:52,356 ♪ On the sand in the sun ♪ 911 00:44:54,483 --> 00:44:58,654 ♪ Carving a castle And piling it high ♪ 912 00:44:59,739 --> 00:45:04,702 ♪ Digging a moat To keep away the bad guys ♪ 913 00:45:07,747 --> 00:45:10,208 ♪ One day your grief will be ♪ 914 00:45:13,169 --> 00:45:15,796 ♪ Like a blanket you carry ♪ 915 00:45:17,673 --> 00:45:21,969 ♪ A star you are gonna Wish upon ♪ 916 00:45:23,054 --> 00:45:26,724 ♪ A feeling you are gonna bury ♪ 917 00:45:30,645 --> 00:45:35,608 ♪ And the deflector of heaviness Is your cool little outfit ♪ 918 00:45:35,691 --> 00:45:38,486 ♪ It's a pair Of shit-kicking boots ♪ 919 00:45:38,527 --> 00:45:40,321 ♪ And a leather jacket ♪ 920 00:45:40,363 --> 00:45:46,035 ♪ Why are you still wearing Your mom's rhinestone belt? ♪ 921 00:45:46,118 --> 00:45:48,162 ♪ It's the best day Of your life ♪ 922 00:45:48,246 --> 00:45:51,165 ♪ Or the worst That you ever felt ♪ 923 00:45:54,168 --> 00:45:59,173 ♪ And in times of uncertainty There's nothing you're above ♪ 924 00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:03,928 ♪ You only criticize the work Of everyone you're jealous of ♪ 925 00:46:04,011 --> 00:46:09,016 ♪ And you long for the calamity That you hope to forget ♪ 926 00:46:09,100 --> 00:46:12,270 ♪ So caught up in a daydream You'll never see ♪ 927 00:46:13,729 --> 00:46:15,022 ♪ You're living it ♪ 928 00:46:20,194 --> 00:46:22,655 ♪ Old Buzz and Junebug ♪ 929 00:46:24,657 --> 00:46:26,993 ♪ Are you still having fun? ♪ 930 00:46:28,577 --> 00:46:33,541 ♪ A shell for a window With a view of the sea ♪ 931 00:46:33,582 --> 00:46:37,420 ♪ A stage to tap dance For infinity ♪ 932 00:46:40,589 --> 00:46:43,592 ♪ Looks like you wasted All your time ♪ 933 00:46:43,676 --> 00:46:46,220 ♪ Trying to make Something profound ♪ 934 00:46:46,262 --> 00:46:48,431 ♪ And you watched your ball ♪ 935 00:46:48,514 --> 00:46:50,933 ♪ Ping the goal post Out of bounds ♪ 936 00:46:51,017 --> 00:46:56,564 ♪ All them things you won't try In fear of wanting too much ♪ 937 00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:58,899 ♪ You blew away All your eyelashes ♪ 938 00:46:58,983 --> 00:47:01,360 ♪ Trying to shake Your shit low ♪ 939 00:47:03,863 --> 00:47:09,410 ♪ And you mythologize the place Where you come from ♪ 940 00:47:09,493 --> 00:47:14,874 ♪ You impersonate the people That you hope to become ♪ 941 00:47:14,957 --> 00:47:19,754 ♪ But don't you go acting Like no one's got your back ♪ 942 00:47:19,795 --> 00:47:22,256 ♪ Your brother's barking at ya ♪ 943 00:47:22,298 --> 00:47:23,382 (AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS) 944 00:47:24,133 --> 00:47:26,218 ♪ Trying to make you laugh ♪ 945 00:47:30,681 --> 00:47:33,184 ♪ And so the tide will come ♪ 946 00:47:35,269 --> 00:47:37,396 ♪ There's no golden one ♪ 947 00:47:39,023 --> 00:47:43,486 ♪ Your castle will crumble And your shoulders will fry ♪ 948 00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:47,948 ♪ You see, man ♪ 949 00:47:47,990 --> 00:47:52,078 ♪ You ain't gotta try so hard All the time ♪ 950 00:48:02,505 --> 00:48:05,508 ♪ So dip them toes Into the shore ♪ 951 00:48:07,343 --> 00:48:09,845 ♪ Sunscreen stinging your eyes ♪ 952 00:48:13,099 --> 00:48:16,018 ♪ And wrap your cast In a garbage bag ♪ 953 00:48:17,728 --> 00:48:20,231 ♪ Float into the horizon ♪ 954 00:48:24,193 --> 00:48:27,196 ♪ You will feel ♪ 955 00:48:27,279 --> 00:48:34,286 ♪ You will feel most lost On the road you know by heart ♪ 956 00:48:34,495 --> 00:48:36,705 ♪ But ain't it fun ♪ 957 00:48:37,957 --> 00:48:41,127 ♪ Ain't it fun To build sandcastles ♪ 958 00:48:44,713 --> 00:48:48,926 ♪ Just to tear them ♪ 959 00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:51,887 ♪ Apart? ♪ 960 00:48:55,015 --> 00:49:01,897 -♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪ -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING) 961 00:49:01,981 --> 00:49:03,065 Oh, shit. 962 00:49:03,941 --> 00:49:06,861 I forgot, okay, this is a weird, uh... 963 00:49:06,902 --> 00:49:09,738 So, when I walked in here, somebody handed me a letter. 964 00:49:10,990 --> 00:49:13,367 Uh, this is weird, 965 00:49:13,451 --> 00:49:15,703 -but I'm just gonna read it. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING) 966 00:49:15,786 --> 00:49:17,705 Someone handed me this right when I walked in, 967 00:49:17,746 --> 00:49:19,874 which I thought was strange, but here we go. 968 00:49:19,915 --> 00:49:23,210 "Dear Whit, I'm also from down south, 969 00:49:23,294 --> 00:49:24,879 and I just wanted to say 970 00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:28,466 that your comedy has inspired me to try comedy myself." 971 00:49:29,925 --> 00:49:31,760 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 972 00:49:33,429 --> 00:49:35,723 "I grew up with an alcoholic mom too." 973 00:49:35,806 --> 00:49:37,892 -(AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) -Yeah. 974 00:49:37,933 --> 00:49:41,020 "She passed away five years ago." 975 00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:43,063 Fucking hell. 976 00:49:43,147 --> 00:49:44,899 "Watching your stand-up has helped me 977 00:49:44,940 --> 00:49:47,902 get through one of the most difficult times in my life." 978 00:49:47,985 --> 00:49:49,695 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 979 00:49:49,737 --> 00:49:51,739 "I know it's probably lame, but I wrote a joke 980 00:49:51,822 --> 00:49:54,950 that I wanted you to hear because you inspire me so much." 981 00:49:56,535 --> 00:49:58,204 Okay. 982 00:49:58,287 --> 00:50:00,247 "Why do girls always carry around 983 00:50:00,289 --> 00:50:02,291 these big-ass water bottles?" 984 00:50:02,374 --> 00:50:04,418 (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) 985 00:50:04,460 --> 00:50:06,754 "The water bottles are getting bigger, folks, 986 00:50:06,795 --> 00:50:11,425 -and the girls are loving them." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 987 00:50:11,509 --> 00:50:14,637 "Basically, these bitches are carrying around a bathtub 988 00:50:14,720 --> 00:50:18,265 -with a straw in it." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 989 00:50:20,226 --> 00:50:22,645 "You'd think these filthy bitches would have 990 00:50:22,728 --> 00:50:26,440 -biceps bigger than The Rock." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 991 00:50:26,524 --> 00:50:29,735 "Open your own damn pickle jar, you hog bitch." 992 00:50:29,818 --> 00:50:32,655 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 993 00:50:32,738 --> 00:50:35,491 "Thanks for inspiring me to do comedy." 994 00:50:35,574 --> 00:50:40,704 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 995 00:50:43,123 --> 00:50:47,378 -Uh, okay. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 996 00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:53,133 After my mom got out of rehab, 997 00:50:53,217 --> 00:50:55,302 it was one of the best times of my whole life. 998 00:50:55,344 --> 00:50:58,347 By then, I had gone to school, I had met my friends, 999 00:50:58,430 --> 00:50:59,473 and it was my birthday, 1000 00:50:59,515 --> 00:51:01,642 and so my mom let me have my friends over 1001 00:51:01,725 --> 00:51:04,061 to watch movies for my birthday party. 1002 00:51:04,144 --> 00:51:06,397 And we're all sitting there watching movies with my mom, 1003 00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:07,856 and then she goes to sleep. 1004 00:51:07,940 --> 00:51:11,318 As soon as my mom closes her bedroom door, 1005 00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:13,195 Jeramy goes... 1006 00:51:13,279 --> 00:51:16,490 (IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Dude, we should go to the Spice Channel." 1007 00:51:16,574 --> 00:51:18,200 (NORMALLY) For those of y'all who don't know... 1008 00:51:18,284 --> 00:51:20,995 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1009 00:51:21,078 --> 00:51:23,539 -AUDIENCE MEMBER: Jeramy. -(CHUCKLES) 1010 00:51:23,622 --> 00:51:24,832 For those of y'all who don't know, 1011 00:51:24,873 --> 00:51:28,836 the Spice Channel is like the porn channel, Channel 59. 1012 00:51:28,919 --> 00:51:30,337 You gotta rent it. And I was like, 1013 00:51:30,421 --> 00:51:32,172 "Dude, there's nothing ever on the Spice Channel. 1014 00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:34,341 It just comes in fuzzy." And he goes... 1015 00:51:34,425 --> 00:51:36,510 (YELLING) "Go to the Spice Channel, please! 1016 00:51:36,594 --> 00:51:42,016 Please, God, please! I need this! I need Spice!" 1017 00:51:42,057 --> 00:51:45,853 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -He needed Spice, I don't know. 1018 00:51:45,936 --> 00:51:48,897 -Spice is nice. -Spice is nice. (CHUCKLES) 1019 00:51:50,149 --> 00:51:53,193 So, I agree. Fine. I go to the Spice Channel. 1020 00:51:53,235 --> 00:51:56,071 And on this day, my 11th birthday, 1021 00:51:56,155 --> 00:51:59,992 the Spice Channel is coming in clear as day. 1022 00:52:00,075 --> 00:52:03,454 No joke. And it's just the porn of a bunch of women going down 1023 00:52:03,537 --> 00:52:07,041 on each other in an alleyway. Pretty cool. 1024 00:52:07,124 --> 00:52:10,919 So, me and all my buddies do the thing that little kids do 1025 00:52:11,003 --> 00:52:13,922 when something good happens, which is this. "Hoh!" 1026 00:52:14,006 --> 00:52:17,885 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING) 1027 00:52:17,926 --> 00:52:20,638 Looking good, fellas. We still got it. 1028 00:52:23,682 --> 00:52:26,226 We're all doing that, and I do the good friend thing, 1029 00:52:26,310 --> 00:52:27,686 which is I go to the hall closet, 1030 00:52:27,770 --> 00:52:29,396 and I grab a bunch of blankets, and I go, 1031 00:52:29,438 --> 00:52:31,857 "Here's your blanket to jack off under, 1032 00:52:31,899 --> 00:52:34,276 and you get a blanket to jack off under. 1033 00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:36,403 Here's your blanket." Johnny wasn't there. 1034 00:52:37,404 --> 00:52:39,448 Johnny was probably driving around in his van 1035 00:52:39,531 --> 00:52:41,784 with his girlfriend listening to Deftones. 1036 00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:43,911 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1037 00:52:43,952 --> 00:52:46,914 Anyway, so all my fellas are so excited, 1038 00:52:46,997 --> 00:52:48,874 they can't wait to jack off. 1039 00:52:48,916 --> 00:52:52,127 I distinctly remember hearing the loudest un-Velcroing 1040 00:52:52,211 --> 00:52:54,421 of board shorts you've ever heard. 1041 00:52:54,463 --> 00:52:59,593 -Just... (ROARS) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1042 00:52:59,677 --> 00:53:01,720 They're all raring to go, and I go, "Hold up, fellas. 1043 00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:03,722 Before we all start jacking off together, 1044 00:53:03,806 --> 00:53:05,766 I gotta make sure my mom's asleep, 1045 00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:08,102 'cause I don't want her walking in here 1046 00:53:08,143 --> 00:53:11,480 while we're all jacking off together on my 11th birthday. 1047 00:53:11,563 --> 00:53:14,858 -That might be weird for her." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1048 00:53:16,819 --> 00:53:18,278 So, I go to my mom's door. 1049 00:53:18,362 --> 00:53:20,489 They're all sitting just like this, all right? 1050 00:53:20,572 --> 00:53:21,615 That's them. 1051 00:53:21,657 --> 00:53:24,326 And my mom's door's about here. The TV's here. I go in. 1052 00:53:24,410 --> 00:53:27,746 I kind of creak the door open real quiet, and I peek in there, 1053 00:53:27,830 --> 00:53:29,164 and I look around. 1054 00:53:29,248 --> 00:53:32,376 And I look to the left, and I see that just, like, 1055 00:53:32,459 --> 00:53:34,086 there's a flickering of the TV, 1056 00:53:34,169 --> 00:53:36,130 and I'm like, "Okay, interesting." 1057 00:53:36,213 --> 00:53:38,799 I dip my head in there a little further, 1058 00:53:38,841 --> 00:53:41,802 and I see on my mom's TV is the porn 1059 00:53:41,885 --> 00:53:44,972 of all the women going down on each other in the alley. 1060 00:53:45,013 --> 00:53:50,352 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1061 00:53:51,770 --> 00:53:54,857 -"What the heck?" -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1062 00:53:55,858 --> 00:53:56,859 (CHUCKLES) 1063 00:54:01,655 --> 00:54:06,243 And I thought to myself, "Okay, well, maybe my mom fell asleep, 1064 00:54:06,326 --> 00:54:07,953 and then she rolled onto the remote, 1065 00:54:08,036 --> 00:54:09,163 and then she went to there, 1066 00:54:09,204 --> 00:54:11,165 and then she accidentally rolled onto her phone, 1067 00:54:11,206 --> 00:54:13,834 and then she slept-talked her credit card information 1068 00:54:13,917 --> 00:54:15,669 into her phone, and then she rented 1069 00:54:15,711 --> 00:54:18,380 the Spice Channel for the night." 1070 00:54:18,464 --> 00:54:21,175 So, I get my head in there a little further, 1071 00:54:21,216 --> 00:54:26,346 and I see that my mom is wide awake. 1072 00:54:26,430 --> 00:54:28,098 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1073 00:54:28,182 --> 00:54:31,059 And my mom has a blanket of her own. 1074 00:54:31,143 --> 00:54:35,981 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1075 00:54:36,023 --> 00:54:41,236 So, uh... I just sort of very quietly close the door... 1076 00:54:42,446 --> 00:54:45,115 and I put my head against it, and I think... 1077 00:54:47,993 --> 00:54:50,537 I had been through a lot that year. 1078 00:54:50,621 --> 00:54:52,247 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1079 00:54:53,957 --> 00:54:57,085 I seen a lot of stuff I wasn't supposed to see. 1080 00:55:00,088 --> 00:55:02,090 We all kind of were going through it. 1081 00:55:03,425 --> 00:55:05,093 We had to make a big change in our life 1082 00:55:05,177 --> 00:55:07,638 and we were all lonely and learning how to be 1083 00:55:07,721 --> 00:55:10,599 in this new place, this new life. 1084 00:55:12,267 --> 00:55:13,936 I felt bad for my mom. 1085 00:55:15,813 --> 00:55:17,272 Walked back to the couch. 1086 00:55:18,148 --> 00:55:19,650 I sat with my pals. 1087 00:55:22,528 --> 00:55:24,947 And I un-Velcroed my board shorts. 1088 00:55:25,030 --> 00:55:29,243 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1089 00:55:29,284 --> 00:55:32,579 -(IMITATES VELCRO RIPPING) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1090 00:55:33,789 --> 00:55:36,750 My pals are all smiling, excited. 1091 00:55:38,043 --> 00:55:42,297 -(CHUCKLES) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1092 00:55:42,381 --> 00:55:44,508 I give them the go-ahead, start jacking off. 1093 00:55:44,591 --> 00:55:48,887 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1094 00:55:48,971 --> 00:55:50,764 It's the best night of Jeramy's life. 1095 00:55:50,848 --> 00:55:53,600 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1096 00:55:57,604 --> 00:55:58,730 And you know... 1097 00:55:59,982 --> 00:56:01,608 I start jacking off too. 1098 00:56:01,692 --> 00:56:04,695 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1099 00:56:05,779 --> 00:56:08,490 I looked around the room at all these smiling faces. 1100 00:56:12,995 --> 00:56:16,290 And I'm pretty sure that night... 1101 00:56:16,373 --> 00:56:20,627 all my pals thought that I was jacking off with them. 1102 00:56:21,753 --> 00:56:25,007 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1103 00:56:27,801 --> 00:56:29,970 I was jacking off with my mom. 1104 00:56:30,053 --> 00:56:34,641 (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) 1105 00:56:34,683 --> 00:56:38,353 ♪ (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC RISING) ♪ 1106 00:56:42,691 --> 00:56:43,859 Thank you. 1107 00:56:46,194 --> 00:56:48,280 Thank you. Thank you. 1108 00:56:48,363 --> 00:56:50,407 And, you know, don't worry about me. 1109 00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:55,412 I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm fine. 1110 00:56:55,495 --> 00:56:57,998 I just have the sudden urge to go inside. 1111 00:56:58,040 --> 00:57:01,209 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING) 1112 00:57:01,293 --> 00:57:07,049 ♪ (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪ 1113 00:57:18,393 --> 00:57:21,855 ♪ Well, how lucky Can one guy be? ♪ 1114 00:57:21,939 --> 00:57:26,401 ♪ I found some pals As dumb as me ♪ 1115 00:57:26,485 --> 00:57:30,155 ♪ My tears dissolve Into the sea ♪ 1116 00:57:30,238 --> 00:57:36,078 ♪ Hit with the choppy waves Of memories ♪ 1117 00:57:36,161 --> 00:57:39,748 -(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) -♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 1118 00:57:43,085 --> 00:57:47,464 ♪ Well, our house got blown Into the bay ♪ 1119 00:57:47,547 --> 00:57:51,426 ♪ We didn't like it There anyway ♪ 1120 00:57:51,510 --> 00:57:55,389 ♪ And Johnny got himself a van ♪ 1121 00:57:55,472 --> 00:58:00,143 ♪ And we ran away To Birmingham ♪ 1122 00:58:04,022 --> 00:58:08,235 ♪ Well, get the van, man Johnny, I got the itch ♪ 1123 00:58:08,276 --> 00:58:12,572 ♪ Let's hit the road And hold on to that death wish ♪ 1124 00:58:12,656 --> 00:58:14,074 ♪ 'Cause I don't wanna go ♪ 1125 00:58:14,157 --> 00:58:18,412 ♪ Through them white sand dunes Without my terminal ♪ 1126 00:58:18,453 --> 00:58:22,290 ♪ My terminal crew of dudes ♪ 1127 00:58:28,338 --> 00:58:33,343 ♪ And so, Jer quit school And left town ♪ 1128 00:58:33,427 --> 00:58:37,639 ♪ Work nights at Waffle House ♪ 1129 00:58:37,723 --> 00:58:41,768 ♪ He put his pay check on red ♪ 1130 00:58:41,852 --> 00:58:46,523 ♪ Had to move back home again ♪ 1131 00:58:46,606 --> 00:58:49,443 ♪ That's the trouble With winning ♪ 1132 00:58:49,526 --> 00:58:54,281 ♪ You gotta Have something to lose ♪ 1133 00:58:54,322 --> 00:58:58,285 ♪ And coming up Don't feel so good ♪ 1134 00:58:58,326 --> 00:59:03,331 ♪ If you ain't Never been screwed ♪ 1135 00:59:06,334 --> 00:59:10,797 ♪ Well, get the van, man Johnny, I got the itch ♪ 1136 00:59:10,839 --> 00:59:14,718 ♪ Let's hit the road And hold on to that death wish ♪ 1137 00:59:14,801 --> 00:59:16,887 ♪ 'Cause I don't even know ♪ 1138 00:59:16,970 --> 00:59:20,974 ♪ How to sing the blues Without my terminal ♪ 1139 00:59:21,016 --> 00:59:24,895 ♪ My terminal crew of dudes ♪ 1140 00:59:29,357 --> 00:59:31,568 (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) 1141 00:59:31,651 --> 00:59:35,822 ♪ And we're too cynical To pray ♪ 1142 00:59:35,906 --> 00:59:39,826 ♪ And too wound up to meditate ♪ 1143 00:59:39,910 --> 00:59:43,997 ♪ Just tumbling through That by and by ♪ 1144 00:59:44,081 --> 00:59:45,540 ♪ Some beach rats ♪ 1145 00:59:45,624 --> 00:59:49,211 -♪ Flying into the night sky ♪ -(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) 1146 00:59:52,214 --> 00:59:56,510 ♪ Well, get the van, man Johnny, I got the itch ♪ 1147 00:59:56,551 --> 01:00:01,014 ♪ Let's hit the road And hold on to that death wish ♪ 1148 01:00:01,098 --> 01:00:02,933 ♪ 'Cause I could Never go through ♪ 1149 01:00:03,016 --> 01:00:06,937 ♪ What I've been through Without my terminal ♪ 1150 01:00:07,020 --> 01:00:10,607 ♪ My terminal crew of dudes ♪ 1151 01:00:11,650 --> 01:00:14,569 ♪ Terminal crew of dudes ♪ 1152 01:00:16,196 --> 01:00:21,910 ♪ Terminal crew of dudes ♪ 1153 01:00:21,993 --> 01:00:28,208 (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) 1154 01:00:28,250 --> 01:00:30,043 (SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) 1155 01:00:30,085 --> 01:00:32,045 ♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪ 1156 01:00:33,964 --> 01:00:38,760 (SEAGULLS SQUAWKING) 94329

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