All language subtitles for Orange Is The New Black S03E07 Tongue-Tied (1080p x265 Joy)

[cell door slams]

♪ The animals, the animals ♪

♪ Trapped, trapped,
trapped till the cage is full ♪

♪ The cage is full,
the day is new ♪

♪ And everyone is
waiting, waiting on you ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ Think of all the roads ♪

♪ Think of all their crossings ♪

♪ Taking steps is easy ♪

♪ Standing still is hard ♪

♪ Remember all their faces ♪

♪ Remember all their voices ♪

♪ Everything is different ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

[cell door slams]

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

[cell door slams]

[indistinct conversations]

[woman] The wrong
place for that, my friend.

[sighs]

[woman 2] Have
you seen my towel?

[conversations continue]

- [woman 3] I'm starving.
- [woman 4] Yeah, me too.

[Norma yawns]

[woman] Hey, Norma.

Morning, Norma.

Hey. Norma.

Can I get my morning blessing?

You know... the little
arm-squeeze thing you do.

Yep. Hits the spot.

[Norma chuckles]

[woman] Hi.

- [urinating]
- [Babs] Yo, Norma.

I know you got the magic.

Banfield says she brushed
against you in the cafeteria,

and when you touched her
wart, it fell off the next day.

[toilet flushes]

so I got this letter I'm
sending to my guy, Rodney.

And I'm gonna need
you to hocus-pocus it.

You know, I hear he got
this new girlfriend, Leslie.

Oh, and I don't need you to
hex her or nothing like that,

'cause, you know,
that would be crazy.

Or would it? I don't know.

You know, it would
be great, actually,

if you could hex Leslie.

That's it?

[gasps]

[toilet flushes]

Oh, I felt that!

Seriously!

Goosies on my arms!

Look at my arm hair! [gasps]

Oh, that is some spooky shit!

Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much!

Spooky shit!

Are you a good
witch or a bad witch?

[man] Two types of
sexual harassment

are generally recognized...

quid pro quo and
hostile work environment.

"quid pro quo" means
"something for something."

For instance, a manager

promises to give you a promotion

in exchange for
some sexual favor.

- [Bayley laughs]
- Hostile work environment...

- this type...
- Question.

- Hostile environment?
- [Tim] Yes.

It's a prison.

[Tim] Uh, we are referring to

to a co-worker's
unwanted flirting,

sexually suggestive
looks, language,

shoulder massages,
back-scratching, uh...

any, uh, behavior that
a reasonable person

would deem inappropriate.

Using offensive or
degrading names,

such as "honey,"
"sweetie," "baby"...

- Daddy-mack.
- Cuddly wuddly.

- Sugar tits.
- [laughs]

Come on! How old are you?

- Sorry, sir.
- No, really. How old are you?

- Uh, 21, sir.
- Wow.

Yeah. My birthday was
actually last Tuesday.

I had my first amaretto sour.

Good for you.

Now lose the junior
high school shenanigans

and act like a fucking person.

- Yes, sir.
- [Caputo] And the rest of you,

set an example for the new COs

and show some respect
to George over here.

That's actually Tim from HR.

Who's George?

George is PR.

Is PR the same as marketing?

No. Debra's marketing.

Welcome to the corporate maze.

[chuckles]

Sorry for the rigamarole.

It'd be nice if it also
covered inmate relations,

being this is a female prison.

- Completely agree.
- But, uh, hey.

Anything to get folks thinking
about appropriate behavior.

We've had some
incidents in the past.

Oh, you wouldn't believe
some of the cases we've had.

Just employees sexting and
porn on their work computers,

masturbating in the office.

Just disgusting.

- Disgusting!
- Yeah, disgusting.

Don't you think the
people buying these panties

would feel weird if they knew
a bunch of felons made them?

Mnh-mnh. They'd probably
think that shit was hot.

Yeah. They should
put that shit on the tag,

"Made in federal." [laughter]

Dudes would be into
polyester grannies

if they knew they came from a
bunch of bisnotches behind bars.

You know, when I was in Chicago,

this guy asked me
for my dirty underwear.

- To wear?
- To sniff.

Oh. Yeah, that's a
thing. Panty sniffers.

[Stella] In Tokyo, they
have vending machines.

You can buy dirty
schoolgirl panties

for, like... I don't
know... 10,000 yen.

What that is in real money?

- It's like 80 bucks.
- Huh.

One of my old boyfriends
was obsessed with noses.

Always trying to suck on mine.

It left a very confusing hickey.

I can't believe that's a thing.

Man, everything is a thing.

Like them people who like
to fuck in animal costumes.

- [chuckles] Furries.
- Or those guys

who are really
into My Little Pony.

- Bronies.
- Look at you, Google.

What are you, some
kind of fetish fan girl?

[Black Cindy laughs] That's
the thing with the internet.

Nobody's a freak no more.

It used to be all these weirdos
sitting alone in their houses,

jerking it to bugs or falling
in love with their toasters,

feeling all creepy and sad.

Now all they got to do is log on

and find a same-minded
toaster-loving peep,

and, like, bam.

Suddenly shit be
perfectly normal.

Now, you could
be into cannibalism

or like being tickled.

It don't matter.

Somebody out there
gonna like what you like.

[sewing machine whirs]

Damn! I sewed
the leg shut again!

- Shit!
- [laughter]

How do you even do that?

Man, whatever! This
about to be a headband.

- [laughter]
- Yeah.

Check it. Check it.

Inmate.

That's official
whispers merchandise.

If you make any more mistakes,

we're gonna take the full
retail price out of your pay.

Oh, what is that?

Like, 100 hours of work
for 25 cents of fabric?

Zip it, Hayes, or that's a
shot. This is not coffee hour.

And there are plenty of bodies
in here that would be happy

to fill those seats.

[indistinct conversations]

What am I supposed
to do with you?

You're the boss. You tell me.

I don't know how you
talked your way back in here.

You're like a Somali pirate.

Trying to get that
ladder hooked.

But I got the whole fucking
coast guard watching you.

You see these girls?

They're mine.

Don't you try nothing.

The evil eye goes both ways.

I'm only happy to be back.

You gonna be happy sweeping
the floor, washing dishes?

Because there's no way I'm
gonna let you handle a knife.

Probably wise.

Go help Norma.

That peeler is
pretty sharp, too.

And no funny business. Got it?

I am watching my back, Red.

Yes, boss.

All right, everybody! Come on!

I got to get this shit
prepped before 10:00.

10:00? First lunch
block isn't till 11:00.

Well, Benny's coming.

I'm not gonna make my kid
drive up here for two hours

to sit with him
for five minutes.

He should come a different time.

Hitchhikers can't be choosers.

Sophia's wife can't drive
him later, and she's my ride.

You know, if you
boil them first,

you can slide the skin
off with your hands.

I taught you that.

Amateurs.

Twelve years we've been
in this kitchen together.

We're a good team, hmm?

Thank you, Norma.

[man on PA] Prisoner
maintenance detail

to the shower room.

[sitar music plays]

[man] I want
everything to be better.

I want everything to be happier.

I keep doing the same
thing over and over again,

which, to me, is the
definition of insanity.

[laughter]

Welcome, sister.

Have a seat.

Join us.

As I was saying, you're all here

because you're interested
in transformation,

and you're asking
yourself, "Do I feel happy?

Do I feel good enough?

Do I feel out of control?"

- [man 2] Far out.
- Yeah.

"Lonely? Afraid?

- Why do I hate myself?"
- [man 2] Choice words.

[man] Well, this self
that you speak of,

it's not a fixed object.

That's a story that
we're telling, right?

- [woman] Right on.
- If you want to
change the self,

you got to change
the story. [chuckles]

Because the desire to transform,

the thing that brought
you here today,

means you've already
begun to change.

- Right?
- Yeah.

[man] I'm not here
to save you, children.

I'm just a bearded
guy in white pants.

[laughter]

They call me Guru Mack
because I'm a teacher.

And I can teach you
how to change your story.

[group murmuring]

Sister sad eyes.

What brings you to us today?

Don't be shy. You're
among friends.

Everybody here is a searcher.

What is the story
that you are telling?

M...

M-m-m-my...

s-s-s-s-s-s-s...

Okay, okay, okay. I got it.

[sighs]

I feel your spirit.

[Norma sighs]

You don't ever have
to speak with me.

I hear you.

[Norma chuckles]

[breathes deeply]

Stay with us.

I'm glad you're here.

I can't let you
perform this in class.

Oh, it's not a solo piece.

I'm gonna cast the other parts.

Of course, I play Edwina.

I know she has freckles and
a more ample bosom than I,

but I think we can
use our imaginations.

How do I put this
constructively?

Um, this piece of
writing is... obscene.

It's pornographic.

No, it's erotically inclined.

"His purple love muscle"?

"Her three holes opened,

ready to be explored
by his swollen pangolin."

I don't even know
what a pangolin is.

It's a mammal with scales.

And in this context, it's...

Okay, yeah. I got it. This
was not the assignment.

You asked us to
use our imagination.

I asked you to reimagine
a primary life experience,

not write a kinky sex
fantasy set in space.

It's not just sex.

It's love.

It's two people connecting,

with four other
people... and aliens.

Suzanne, no.

- But it's just...
- It's inappropriate,

and I can't support it.

That's final.

Whoa, whoa! What's going on?

Stupid! I'm stupid!

She said it's dirty, and
it's wrong, and she hated it.

- Hated what?
- [grunts]

Your story?

You've been
working so hard, too.

Come on, now!

'cause one person
doesn't like it?

You know, Stephen King
got rejected a bazillion times

before anybody
looked at his shit.

Fucking J.K. Rowling!

Some punk-ass publisher
read "Harry fucking Potter"

and was like... "Nope."

Now, I haven't read this yet,

but knowing that
wacky brain of yours...

I'm sure it's got to
be mad interesting.

She said it was vulgar.

Okay. You really
did, uh... go there.

Look, Berdie is just trying to
protect her stupid-ass class.

Chang got to do her scene,

and it's all heads chopping
off and organs coming up.

That's because this is America.

Violence is all good
and fine, but sex? [gasps]

Lord, no! Okay?

Don't let her stop you, Suzanne.

You got to keep writing.

So, this is
different categories.

- Mm-hmm.
- Who you're gonna marry,

what car you're gonna drive, and
how many kids you're gonna have.

Are you telling me you've
never played Mash before?

Not since I was 12.

I remember that. Mash.

Tells your future, right?

Mansion, apartment...
shack, house! Yes!

- Yeah.
- [Lorna chuckles]

You draw your spiral.

- Mm-hmm.
- And then you count your lines.

And you get your magic number.

And there it is...
your whole life.

Oh. [chuckles] Yeah.

I always ended up
living in the shack.

Mm.

Chapman probably
lived in a mansion.

- In the game or in real life?
- In real life.

Oh, no. It was hardly a mansion.

How many bathrooms?

[Piper] Um... four?

Or five.

There was a half
bath off the playroom.

The playroom?

[sighs]

It was a good-sized house.

Mansion.

- Did you have a maid?
- No.

Housekeeper.

- [laughs]
- I was very lonely as a child.

[smacks lips]

Do you hear yourself sometimes?

Like, when you speak?

Mmm! Fuck, yeah!

Hey, y'all, tell me these
kosher meals ain't delicious.

This broccoli? Still got crunch.

Yo, y'all got to keep
y'all voices down.

Y'all get the noodles,
yo? Mine had noodles!

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Would y'all shut the hell up?

Man, why you shushing me?

You keep running your mouth,
everyone's gonna start asking.

- So?
- Then they're gonna find out

none of us are actually Jewish,

and none of us gonna get them!

- How they know I ain't Jewish?
- Shh.

Man, how come Jews only
get to eat this deliciousness?

Shh!

Man, stop shushing me!

That's the eye shush,

and the eye shush is just
as bad as regular shush.

One, two, three,
four, five. Yes!

So you're gonna marry Gustav,

and you're gonna be
living in an apartment...

- in Maui...
- [squeals]

with 13 kids.

And you're gonna be driving,
you know, A Toyota Corolla.

Great.

Gustav... is that the Romanian?

- Yeah. He's... he's very nice.
- Mm-hmm.

He's not the
world's greatest fella,

but English is not
his first language.

- [Piper] Mm-hmm.
- Thirteen kids in an apartment?

That is gonna be tight.

Well, you're gonna
be living in Maui,

spending most of
your time outside.

I thought I was
gonna marry Ralph.

But he's so into firearms.

I guess that could be dangerous,
with all the little ones around.

- Right?
- Ralph's the fatty?

No. No. The fatty is
into Japanese cartoons.

He has these dreamy eyes.

You find the good in everyone.

- It's a lovely quality.
- Lovely.

She's scamming creeps
for commissary money.

I mean, that is what
you're doing, isn't it?

They are lonely!

They just need
somebody to listen to them.

It's not like I got
something better to do.

[Piper] I think that
women's prison

feeds into the whole '70s
exploitation fantasy for men.

It's like we're all in Chained
Heat or Cell Block Sisters,

and all we do is have
lesbian sex and strip searches

and naked catfights
in the shower.

We also do other things.

[Big Boo chuckles]

Who cares if it's a fantasy?

They get what they want.

I get to make a buck.

Everybody wins!

[Alex chuckles]

[gasps]

What are those?

They were gonna be a gift
for you, but I have an idea.

Bear with me,
because it's, uh...

it sounds kind of crazy.

Shoot.

You may think that I
stole these from Whispers,

but technically...

I didn't...

because I made
them from material

they were just gonna throw away,

so I repurposed trash,

and there's no official
crime happening here.

You are such a good girl.

These are the second pair
I've made with no one noticing.

If I could get some
people helping me,

I could have a
pretty healthy supply,

and rumor has it
there are guys out there

that like sniffing
dirty underwear,

and I think that they
would be extra interested

if they came from lady felons.

We are sitting...
on... a gold mine!

We have captive women,
and we have underwear.

All we need to do is
recruit a bunch of girls

with super-stinky tutus

and then figure out a
way to get the used goods

out there to the
freaks who want them.

No. It sounds nuts, doesn't it?

It made sense in my head.

- Are you kidding?
- What?

This is fucking brilliant.

[laughs]

- This is your duty belt.
- [man] "Duty." [laughs]

it contains a walkie,
cuffs, expandable baton,

sterile gloves,
and pepper spray.

Nice!

These are not toys.

They are a last resort.

If an inmate is not responding
to a reasonable command

and needs to be subdued,

I will demonstrate the
proper subjugation technique.

CO Rikerson, if you please.

The goal is to use your
opponent's own weight

and inertia against her.

Now, let us imagine this
is a diminutive lady inmate

and not, uh, Dont'a
Hightower over here.

[chuckles]

Don't hurt me, buddy, huh?

I will use a combination
joint locking technique

to take my opponent
to the ground.

[breathes deeply]

The inmate is angry.

Maybe she goes to grab
me or push me. Please.

Trap her hand against my
chest with my right hand,

turn the wrist, apply an arm bar

with my left hand
just above the elbow,

and as I pivot...

easily taking my
attacker to the ground.

[Rikerson] Ow! Ow! [groans]

[groaning]

God, that hurt!

- That really hurt.
- Sorry.

Shit, man! I need my inhaler.

Where's my inhaler?

[Caputo] Okay. As you can see,

I have, uh, effectively
neutralized the prisoner.

Great. Great, well
done, Jackie Chan.

Thank you for that.

You guys should read
through those manuals

and keep practicing
this karate business.

It seems very effective.

We're not done.

May I speak with
you for a minute?

Okay. Practice
with your partners.

CO Donaldson, take over.

All right, COs, line
up with your inmates.

Let's get started. Half
speed, no takedowns.

But when you feel comfortable,
take it to the ground.

All right.

Sicko-witch.

Give me your best shot.

It's Sikowitz.

Like "psycho."

Oh, we'll see about that.

[Sikowitz grunts]

I'm not afraid of you... donuts.

Stop calling me that.

I know you bribed your
way in here. What did it take?

Half a dozen jellies
and a cruller, huh?

Hey, Joe. We're not
paying these guys to do PE.

They need 40 hours of training.

We need to be able to assess
their physical efficiency...

teach them how
to convey an order.

That sounds like
on-the-job stuff to me.

I can't send a bunch of
untrained COs out there.

You're not.

You're partnering them
with experienced guards

and calling it an
apprenticeship.

There is an art to this.

The proper levels of assertion.

How to communicate
verbally and non-verbally.

That's why we have the manual.

They are not gonna read that.

Yes, really.

See what I did there?

Communicated with you
nonverbally. No training here.

Let's get them working.

Motherfucker.

All right.

Ay, tonta!

Your mother never taught
you how to reheat dinner rolls?

My mother taught me
to pluck my eyebrows

and to duct-tape
my tits together.

[scoffs] Mira.

I told you that you needed
to clean these steamers

- between every meal.
- [sighs]

- That's some nasty shit.
- [Gloria] You know what's nasty?

The cabbage that's
been in there for two days.

You are a pain in my
ass... the both of you.

If you fill them
with warm sudsy...

No, no. No chiming in. What, you
think I don't know how to run my kitchen?

All right, Maria.
You're in charge

while I take my visitation.

You're gonna leave me
here with these clowns?

Try not to fuck it all up, huh?

[Red] Aww.

It's good to see you
back in here, Gina.

Hey, Red. We've come
to see Norma, actually.

[woman] A bunch
of us were wondering

if you would meet
with us in a group.

[Gina] My wiccan
circle's getting weird.

Protchnick keeps rubbing
the energy ball on her cooter,

and who wants to touch it
after that? You know, so...

I think we would all benefit

from some energetic
time with you.

What are you babbling about?

Norma's a healer.
She has powers.

You believe this?

She's performing miracles, Red.

Everyone's talking about it.

[woman] We booked
some time in the chapel,

and we were hoping
to meet tomorrow.

Chapel? What is
she... your priest?

The poor woman doesn't speak,

so she can't tell you
to fuck off, but I can.

She doesn't want to listen

to all your snively
little problems.

Do you, Norma?

Be careful. She can hex you.

[laughs] You think she's
some kind of magical mute?

There's no way she's
comfortable with this.

Are you, Norma?

Go. Get out of here.

Gina, you know
better. Stop listening

- to this basket case.
- We're gonna talk.

Shoo!

[sighs] Are they
hounding you all time?

These women are desperate
for anything to believe in.

Looking to you to guide them

when you can't
even guide yourself.

Norma, put the drink in
first and then the sandwich.

You're squishing all of them.

There you go.

Better.

[recorder plays]

[all chanting]

Guru Mack is our teacher.

Our teacher is our father.

Our father is our God.

Our God is our light...

the sky, the sun, the heart.

My children, today
we open our hearts

to this woman, Norma Moon,

as I join her in marriage

with body, with
speech, and with mind.

Norma Moon, on this blessed day,

I take you as my wife,
my partner, and my light.

I join my heart to your heart,

and my soul to your soul,

and my flesh to your flesh.

And I vow to
honor you in this life

and on many astral
planes to come.

I am yours.

[woman] So rad.

Kirsa Rain, on this blessed day,

I take you as my wife,
my partner, and my light.

And I join my
heart to your heart,

my soul to your soul,

and my flesh to your flesh.

Silver Tree,

on this blessed day,
I take you as my wife.

This is getting weird.

I never should have signed
over the pink slip to my Volvo.

[Guru Mack] I join
my heart to your heart,

my soul to your soul,

and my flesh to your flesh.

Keep an eye out for contact.

Obviously, if they're
playing basketball,

there's gonna be some
hands and shoulders.

But any intimacy, call it off.

- No touching.
- Right.

And don't ever let them
suck you into an argument.

Don't get emotional.

One of my training sergeants
told me if it feels good,

don't say it.

De-escalate the situation.

De-escalate. Got it.

Right. Okay?

Keep an eye on this
Uno game over here.

Make sure they're not gambling.

So, we'll have
six, uh, extra pair.

Whoa. Hey. L...

Lolly!

I know you?

Yeah. Chicago.

Um... sorry.

Wow.

That is weird.

You know, she didn't
have glasses before,

so maybe she was
blind in Chicago?

Oh, that thing
happened in the yard.

I wonder if she's
still mad at me.

Wait. She was
with us in Chicago?

- What is she doing here?
- Well, anyway... okay.

How many girls do we need?

Only a few to start.

We don't know if we
have any customers.

And how many days do you
think it's gonna take to get them,

uh... pungent?

- Three.
- Okay.

That seems like a lot. If
it's you, I don't know. Two?

What? Why?

You have a strong brew.

Oh.

It's not a bad thing.

Some people just have
more presence than others.

Are you gonna be wearing them?

- Me? No.
- Okay.

I can't deal with the thought

of dudes inhaling
my dried excretions.

No. I will stick to being
the brains, not the bajingo.

- All right.
- Okay.

We need a mule to
carry them out of here.

Yes. Panty mule.

Someone gullible...

and insecure enough to be
flattered that you picked them.

For the record, I
was not gullible.

I was trusting...

and perhaps a
little... inhibited.

You had a flimsy sense of self.

You dressed head to
toe in Urban Outfitters.

There's got to be
a joker in this bunch

who needs a few extra
bucks and some warm fuzzies.

[Piper] Hmm.

- That's the one.
- Where?

I bet he doesn't even shave yet.

- That guy?
- He's like a Gerber baby.

[Piper] What makes you
think that we can trust him?

Believe me, that kid is a bug.

He'll piss off the other
COs soon enough,

and then he'll be
looking for friends.

[Piper] So, you tell me
how this is gonna work.

"Hi, Gerber.

How do you feel about
marching past security

with a bunch of dirty panties
shoved down your pants?"

See? This is why I
will handle this part.

Because you have no nuance.

[Reema] Oh, yeah! Got you now!

Bam! Uno, motherfucker!

You cheating bitch!
Those ain't the rules.

You draw two and lose a turn.

Are you saying I don't know Uno?

[Gabby] I'm saying
you're sitting on cards

and you're a dumb,
cheating bitch.

- Fuck you, bitch!
- Hey! Freeze!

- [both screaming]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Aah!
- [coughing]

Aah!

[breathing heavily]

[alarm blaring]

Whoa!

Oh, my God! He's fucking insane!

He's perfect.

This is unreadable.

- What is it?
- [Taystee] Suzanne's erotica.

It's worse than Fifty Shades.

Not possible. How many
times she use the word "geez"?

It's fucking gross.

She's got a sentence that
goes on a whole paragraph

about some lady's clit
that turns into a caterpillar.

Mm, mm, mm!

Finished. Two new chapters!

I eagerly await your
thoughts, madam editor.

Peruse at your leisure.

I ain't perusing shit.

Well, shit. Let me see it. Mm.

You can't blame her for
wanting an escape, all right?

It's lonely as fuck in here.

"The admiral thrusts his pork
sword into her squish mitten"?

[scoffs]

Oh, shit! [laughs]

Mm!

What the fuck was that?!

You assess the situation,

and you respond with the
appropriate level of force.

And you never, ever, ever
discharge your weapon

unless it's
absolutely necessary!

And if you do and that weapon
happens to be pepper spray,

you better damn well
make sure you're upwind.

You are a trigger-happy
knucklehead

who just got out of diapers.

But you, how could
you let this happen?

Sir, with all due
respect, I'm not a nanny.

No. You are an officer with
20-plus years' experience.

And your job was to
impart some wisdom

on fucking Baby Huey over here.

Well, this is what
happens when you put

untrained officers in gen pop.

You don't think I know that?!

I fucking know that!

Really, I should
be firing your ass.

- I know.
- But it's your first day.

So I'm gonna chalk this
up to mental retardation.

- Uh-huh.
- If you so much as look

at an inmate wrong in the
next week, you're out of here.

Take the stupid
fucking name tag off.

Now go.

Get your asses down in
medical and get an eyewash.

And read the stupid
fucking manuals!

I hate fractions!

- I ain't never gonna use it.
- Oh, yeah?

What about when the
recipe calls for you to double it

and you got to
add a cup and 1/4?

You're gonna have to know how
to add those two quarters together.

When I'm a prison cook?

All right. Let's do number five.

"In Debra's class, 3/8 of
the students have brown hair.

Of the students with brown
hair, half have brown eyes.

What fraction of the
students in Debra's class

have both brown
hair and brown eyes?"

Fuck Debra.

Right in her brown eye.

Baby. Come on.
You got to graduate.

This is fifth-grader math.

I mean, I don't
understand it either, okay?

But... we can figure this out.

All you got to do is get a "C."

Psst. yo, Mike.

- "You want a bag?"
- No, man. She's not that ugly."

[both laugh]

What does that mean, "a bag"?

You selling weed again?

No. It's part of a joke.

What joke?

You wouldn't get it.

So, you guys really
getting along, huh?

Oh, yeah. They've been
giggling for the last two hours.

He is fucking hilarious.

Hey. Language.

Benny said "fuck" in
the car like four times.

You didn't say anything.

Benny doesn't live in our house.

- This is censorship.
- Michael.

Fuck that.

- I'm not a fucking baby.
- Knock it off.

Does he talk like this
around the pastor?

No. This just started.

Well, cut it out.

I'm serious.

Fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck.

[Benny laughs]

Mendoza... they need
you back in the kitchen.

- I'm with my son.
- It's an emergency.

Ramos cut her finger off.

What?

Well, tell them to handle it.

Are you in charge
of the kitchen?

Let's go.

Your kid can wait in the lobby.

[sighs]

Sorry, baby.

Whatever.

- Neri wants a baby.
- Mm.

One day she's ranting
about how irresponsible it is

to put more people
on the planet,

and now suddenly she's
clocking her ovulation

and welding a nursery mobile

that, frankly,
between you and me,

looks very sharp and dangerous.

Well, maybe you
guys should go for it.

I think you'd be great parents.

You would... be... [chuckles]

memorable parents.

I got to get my
shit together, Pipes.

We're still living
with Carol and Bill,

and the layers of
taupe are getting to me.

And suddenly everyone
and their mother's got a job.

Even Bloomer, now that
Polly's whipping him into shake.

No, no, no. No. Stop. No Larry.

- He has a job? As what?
- Mm.

He's a regional
editor for Zagat.

He's got an office
and everything.

Really?

Look, all I'm saying
is, times are a-changin',

and I need to work.

I have work for you.

Really?

Could you build me a website?

It could be
something very simple,

like a Wordpress
template or something.

Why do you need a website?

No one even follows
your blog anymore.

I'm starting a
used-panty business.

There are people who
like to sniff dirty underwear.

Oh, I know.

There's a lot of sites.

You've got yourself
some competition.

Really? Well, how
much do they go for?

Like 25 bucks a pop,
but the longer the wear,

the more you can tack on,

and there's, like, a lot
of special categories,

like "worn to the gym" or
"masturbated in," "peed in."

- What about "been to prison"?
- Oh, yeah.

You could definitely
charge more for that.

Pregnant ladies
are a big thing, too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I think it's because
maybe they smell different.

You know, Neri smells different,

and she's just talking
about getting pregnant.

Wait. Are you really gonna
start a whole criminal enterprise

- from behind bars?
- It's not drugs.

It's underwear.

I like your spirit.

I-I am concerned that
you know all of this.

I'm a generalist.

[woman on PA] MCC
appreciates your honest feedback.

Hey. Psst. Chapman.

- Yeah?
- Thank you.

Um...

You think that growing up with
all that money was good for you?

- In what way?
- Like, did being a rich person

make you better?

I bet you had, like,
ballet, music lessons,

and shit like that.

Ballet, yeah. Yeah.

And I did play the
flute for two years.

Although "play" is
a very strong word.

There's this flute face
that I could never...

I never quite got right.

Okay. So...

it's a better life when
you have money.

A lot of people expect it

to fill some sort
of emotional hole,

and all it really
does is buy stuff.

Yeah, but what's
wrong with stuff?

Stuff is good.

Especially when stuff is
food or a roof over your head.

You know, there was this study

that said money
does buy happiness,

up to $75,000 a year.

But after that,
increasing your income

doesn't make you any happier.

Seventy-five grand is a lot.

Yeah, no. I
guess. I guess it is.

Are you worried about...

Yeah.

[sighs]

Love is the most
important thing.

Yeah, but money helps.

Yeah. Money does help.

But you know what?

We both ended up here.

[sighs] All right. Thanks.

Hey, Dayanara.

What size panties do you wear?

Ay, damn!

Any Jew-y movies in here? Shit.

Ain't all movies Jew-y?

Like Fiddler on the Roof
or some shit like that.

You know, half of
them don't even play.

Oh, shit.

I got to get ahead
of this thing.

Come and try to bust me for
not being the real Jew deal...

I got to throw some
knowledge back at them.

Well, look, shouldn't you
be reading... what's it called?

The, um, the Jewish bible.

No! I'm going for the
Jewish experience.

You feel me? Get
all cultural on them.

Should be mad convincing.

I need some, like...
Seinfeld episodes.

Oh! Ka-ching! Check it out!

Woody fucking Allen!

Now, that's some
Jew shit right there.

Look, come on. You really
think they're gonna test us?

And if they do, you think
Woody Allen is gonna save you?

Oh, mark my words...
they're gonna test us.

Y'all gonna be
looking real stupid,

but when they come for
us, I'm gonna be ready.

[Crazy Eyes whistling
This Old Man]

Yo, Suzanne.

I've been reading your story.

Okay.

So... who does Edwina choose...

Gilly or Space
Admiral Rodcocker?

I haven't decided yet.

You can't leave me hanging here.

[laughs]

- Okay. Well, technically...
- Okay.

They're not even
in the same timeline.

Admiral is in the future,
Gilead is in the past,

and Edwina... she
can move through time,

but only in one direction.

Yeah. See? Don't
nobody care about that.

Right? They just
want to get off.

You know?

So, you liked it?

You know, it's
weird as fuck, right?

But it just... it sucked me in.

- Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.
- You know?

I just got to kick back
with some bootleg

and just escape from this place.

I even lost track
of time reading it.

Or I blacked out.

Look, either way,
this shit is hot!

[laughs]

Just don't leave a
bitch with blue balls.

You know what I'm saying?

- Yes.
- Huh?

- [laughing] Yes.
- You got me.

All right.

Get to writing!

Chop-chop. [laughs]

Hey, Joe.

I, uh, heard about the
little incident out in the yard.

The kid panicked.

- Watch the plant.
- Right.

He wasn't ready.

And, you know, inmates
can sue over things like that.

There was a case in Maine.

No, no, no. You were right.

It's my bad.

Thank you.

That's not how we do things.

- It's dangerous.
- I hear you. What do you want?

Another two-hour class
to go over procedure?

I want a proper
40-hour training period.

How about we split the
difference? Six hours?

I'll take what I can get.

Joe, I'm doing my
best to work the system,

but there's gonna be a
lot of changes around here,

and I need you to
be open-minded.

We got a whole new plan
with a kitchen, work details,

processing, a
whole bunch of stuff.

It's actually in your
packet here, and, uh...

just when... whenever you...

- I'm not gonna read those.
- Okay.

What do you do here?

What do you mean?

What's your official title?

I'm the Director
of Human Activity.

What does that even mean?

[laughing] That sounds like God.

[chuckles] Yeah.

- No, I guess it does.
- I have to be honest.

This whole corporate
structure thing, I...

I find it confusing.

It's actually really simple.

So, here. You mind if I...

So, you got the... board, right?

And then you got the CEO.

You got the CFO.

You got the various departments.

And then here's me, here's you.

See? We're on the same level.

You don't seem to have to
check with me to do anything.

Because it actually
flows this way...

through me... to you.

So you're... you're my boss.

No, no, no. We're
on the same level.

It's just the flow...

is... this way.

You're basically the warden.

No, no. 'cause that
position doesn't even exist.

No, but it's what you are.

I mean, if you are my
boss, then... you're a warden.

No, no. We don't call it that.

- I'm the...
- Director of Human Activity.

It's a shame.

You were really
helping people, Norma.

We still have that
time in the chapel.

What are we supposed
to do, meet without you?

Yeah, yeah.

[woman on PA] Your
attention, please.

Sign-ups are available
for recovery meetings.

Check the bulletin board.

[knocking]

No, I'm fine. Maybe
later. My back is acting up.

Aww.

You're sweet, my friend.

[grunts] Thank you.

[sighs]

The pain is moving around.

It travels from my
back, down my arms.

Sometimes in my hips.

Mm. Lower. Lower,
lower, lower, lower.

There. There,
there, there, there.

[sighs]

Makes my joints
tense being there,

watching her strut
around like it's hers.

Those tacos have no
idea what they're doing.

I'm meant to be
in charge, Norma.

Oh. Of who... you?
No. I'm your friend.

Your bossy friend,
but still your friend.

There was this time when
Vasily was only six months old.

I had to leave him with
my sister-in-law for a week.

We thought Yuri had the measles.

When I came to get him,

he cried and reached
for her instead of me,

like she was his mother.

[voice breaking] I
know it sounds crazy,

but I have that
same feeling now.

That kitchen is my baby.

Is this the thing you do?

The magic?

Well, stop it.

I'm not comfortable with that.

Come on, Norma.

Let's get back
to the real thing.

[slow music plays,
man singing indistinctly]

What is that?

Why? What's the point?

We don't have any members.

And even if they wanted to
come, where would we gather?

What? Along the side
of the fucking highway?

What next, rest-stop bathrooms?

[sighs]

All those wives,
and I'm left with you,

my one true believer.

So much for sacred vows.

No way I'm going down on
those trumped-up bullshit charges.

[sighs]

Those girls were there
of their own accord.

And since when is
tithing against the law?

We got to get off the grid,

get back to the woods,
commune with Gaia.

[rattling, clunking]

Shit!

[grunts]

[tires screech]

Oh, you fucking piece of shit!

Come on!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

- [van door slams]
- [gasps]

Oh, fuck!

[van door slams]

You bitch!

You bitch, you bitch, you bitch!

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!

Come on!

Bitch!

God damn it!

[sighs]

Shit!

One kick if you want money.

Two kicks if you want to
live on 149th with Grandma.

How about I give you three
kicks if you don't shut the fuck up?

You're taking advice
from a fucking fetus now?

Nice.

You trust a stupid little
fetus more than me.

I'm just trying to
do the right thing.

This is the right thing.

What happens when
you get out of here

and you can't even
live in public housing

'cause you got a record?

And you got to pull change
out of a sofa for a $1 meal?

Why do you think I've been
in a bad mood for 24 years?

You've had your good days.

[scoffs]

Name one.

My 17th birthday.

You took me to the day spa.

We sat in the hot pool.

We made fun of the
lady with the big-ass mole.

[both laugh]

And we got our toes done.

I was so happy that day.

Because Cesar gave
me a fistful of cash.

You liked me because
I was buying you things.

No.

You were nice to me.

Most of the time,
you were such a bitch.

Maybe I wouldn't have
been a bitch if we had money.

All I ever wanted was
to spend time with you.

You were stupid to want me.

Kids are dumb.

You got to make
decisions for them.

You're gonna put
a kid in a car seat,

and they're gonna
scream and scream.

You're not gonna take them out

and put them on
your lap, are you?

You used to make
Emilio ride in the trunk.

That's not the point.

Imagine you had
some really rich family

who could really
provide for you.

You probably would be
a famous artist right now

instead of in here.

You keep that baby,
you're being selfish.

[Gloria] I had to remake
200 dinners from scratch

because the tip of
your fucking pinkie

was floating around
the stew somewhere.

If you were gonna
chop your finger off,

you couldn't do it
away from my food?

I'm having a hard day.

Why weren't you watching her?

I can't do nothing with stupid.

How am I supposed to
be a mother to my son

when my prison kids
keep fucking it up?!

You could start
with your language.

Excuse me. What?

[Sophia] Maybe try
not to curse so much...

or at least tell
your son not to.

At least not around my Michael.

What are you talking about?

My son has never cursed before,

and one ride with your kid,

and suddenly it's,
"fuck this, fuck that."

He's 15. So what he says "fuck"?

We don't talk like
that in our house.

You think my son is
your son's problem?

[sighs]

Tell Benny to cool it with
the dirty jokes and language.

That is, if he wants
to keep his ride.

Aah! Oh! Fuck me!

Somebody keeps leaving the
handle over the fucking burner!

- Shit.
- Mendoza.

What's this I hear about
Ramos cutting her finger off?

It was just the
tip of her pinkie.

I would have been here, I
would have cut her head off, too.

Well, why weren't you here?

Your work duty takes priority.

We have entrusted you
with a huge responsibility,

and that means
you can't take off

whenever you get a
visitor or a headache.

You know what
gives me a headache?

This job.

I got to be there for my son,
because he needs a mother.

I didn't ask for this shit.

You know that my
ankles are swollen?

I got calluses.

And then my hair...
[inhales deeply]

smells like canola oil!

I fucking hate this place!

I quit!

You can't quit.

This is prison.

[Gloria sighs]

And there's
nobody else to do it.

Jesus.

Yeah.

Give it to her.

I'm done.

She wants this so bad?

[chuckles]

Let her have it!

[speaking Spanish]

Okay, Reznikov.

- [sighs]
- You're up. Enjoy.

[sighs]

[woman on PA]
Attention, inmates.

Remember, MCC is here to
provide you a safe environment.

You know... you can cut an
extra one from that piece of fabric.

I don't want them.

Well, you could wear
them until they're really dirty

and then give them to me.

Okay, Chapman.

No. No. It's not for me.

They're to, um...

they're to sell to creepy dudes.

Why would I want to do that?

Because I'm asking you.

This is official
Whispers merchandise.

[laughs]

[indistinct conversations]

[chuckles]

[radio chatter]

[indistinct conversations]

Piper, right?

Yeah.

[gasps] Oh, you're the murderer!

No. It's a long
story, but it's fine.

She's fine. She
probably was the person

who took you on a tour
when you first got here.

I didn't kill her.

- Oh. The little wiry one.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you should
have killed her.

But it's nice to see you, man!

We're a long way from Chicago.

You know, I actually
wanted to apologize to you...

about Chicago.

I should have stepped in
when that woman jumped you.

What? Come on. What
you gonna do about that?

You supposed to get your
ass beat over some stranger?

Come on. That's all right.

That's kind of
what I was thinking.

Don't worry about it.

Oh. And... how
great is this place?

Dude. I fucking love it here.

Um, I am the
kosher meal, please.

Hey. No. I was next.

Are you?

Smooth like butter.

You, captain four fingers.

Get those green
beans off the burner

while they're still green.

Norma, where's that corn bread?

You've lost your
speed, woman. Let's go.

You're leaving a
snail trail on my floor.

You're gonna put up with that?

Norma.

Check on the line.

Make sure those
trays aren't cold.

I saw that evil eye.

[Guru Mack] I just...
want to be a crow.

Why can't I be a crow?

I am a speck in the universe.

A miserable speck.

[sighs]

Why are you still here, Norma?

Why are you following me?

After all these years?

Go.

Run away, like the rest of them.

They were right... I'm a fraud.

I'm a false prophet, Norma.

I'm not your god.

You have wasted your
life on a worthless man.

Human. Not special.

Not honest, not good.

And now I'm old.

And you are old and childless...

and poor and damned.

[Norma sobs]

Aah! You're never
gonna leave, are you?

Because you are a slave.

A meek little servant.

And you'll never
be anything else.

And if I didn't tell you
where to go and what to do,

you would have no self at all.

- Nothing!
- [gasps]

Silent nothing...
worshiping nothing!

Speak, woman.

Fucking speak!

You won't, will you?

And you know why?

Because you have nothing to say!

[Norma gasps, grunts]

[Guru Mack screams]

[thud]

[crow caws]

S-s-s-s-s-son of a b-b-bitch!

[crying]

[Red] To a meal well done.

You have embraced your
new general with dignity.

[Blanca scoffs]

Not really, but you
did well, anyway.

I toast you all.

[footsteps approaching]

Ladies, get ready to thank me.

What is this?

The wave of the future.

Prepackaged...

boil-in-the-bag meals.

Your lives just got
a hell of a lot easier.

Dump these babies
in the steamer...

and call it a day.

[gasps] Tell me this is a joke.

No.

It was a memo from
Jeffrey in food services

and Linda in purchasing.

You didn't think I'd
put you in charge

if you actually had
any power, did you?

[clicks tongue]

[both chuckle]

[gasps]

[woman chuckles]

She's not gonna come.

Maybe we should take
turns leading a prayer circle.

Or we could just keep
meeting with her one-on-one.

But I thought the whole
point of this was to organize.

[gasps]

I told you!

What did I tell you?

Nonbelievers, all of you!

Nobody ever listens to me.

What is she doing?

- Shh.
- Oh, that felt good.

[breathing heavily]

[crying] Oh, thank you.

[chuckles]

Whoa.

[laughter]

[chuckles] I could
feel that in my fingers.

[laughter] Oh, my gosh.
I feel like I'm glowing.

- Am I glowing?
- [laughter]

[laughter stops]

[♪ The Byrds' "Wasn't
Born to Follow" plays]

♪ Oh, I'd rather
go and journey ♪

♪ Where the diamond
crescent's flowing ♪

♪ And run across the valley
beneath the sacred mountain ♪

♪ And wander
through the forest ♪

♪ Where the trees
have leaves of prisms ♪

♪ And break the
light in colors ♪

♪ That no one
knows the names of ♪

♪ And when it's
time, I'll go and wait ♪

♪ Beside a legendary fountain ♪

♪ Till I see your
form reflected ♪

♪ In its clear and
jeweled waters ♪

♪ And if you think I'm ready ♪

♪ You may lead me to the chasm ♪

♪ Where the rivers of our
vision flow into one another ♪

♪ I will want to dive beneath
the white cascading waters ♪

♪ She may beg, she may plead,
she may argue with her logic ♪

♪ And mention all
the things I'll lose ♪

♪ That really have no value ♪

♪ In the end, she will surely
know I wasn't born to follow ♪