All language subtitles for Guest House Paradiso (1999)

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:25,638 --> 00:00:27,754 (Snoring) 2 00:00:30,838 --> 00:00:32,794 You bastards... 3 00:00:35,758 --> 00:00:37,908 (Alarm bleeps) 4 00:00:40,158 --> 00:00:42,114 (Grunts and groans) 5 00:00:45,158 --> 00:00:46,307 (Alarm stops) 6 00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:52,674 (Alarm rings) 7 00:00:55,158 --> 00:00:57,831 (Teasmaid whistles) 8 00:00:57,918 --> 00:01:00,990 Aaaarrggghh! Aaaarrrgghhh! 9 00:01:01,078 --> 00:01:03,273 (Scream echoes) 10 00:01:06,838 --> 00:01:08,556 Eddie! 11 00:01:11,518 --> 00:01:15,909 Eddie! Another bloody day. Time to get up. 12 00:01:16,998 --> 00:01:18,829 (Eddie's voice) 'Righty-dokey, skip.' 13 00:01:46,918 --> 00:01:48,670 (Bones creak) 14 00:02:32,278 --> 00:02:34,917 (Tyres screech) 15 00:03:19,278 --> 00:03:22,031 Ow! (Squeals) 16 00:03:23,878 --> 00:03:25,391 Oh! 17 00:04:06,238 --> 00:04:07,591 Eddie! 18 00:04:09,438 --> 00:04:10,791 Eddie?! 19 00:04:12,318 --> 00:04:15,628 Come along. lt's the early bird that catches worms. 20 00:04:26,198 --> 00:04:27,836 (Eddie) 'Running all the way.' 21 00:04:27,918 --> 00:04:29,192 (Record scratches) 22 00:05:02,078 --> 00:05:03,431 (Whispers) Damn. 23 00:05:03,518 --> 00:05:04,837 (Door opens) 24 00:05:07,758 --> 00:05:09,271 (Woman) Well, really. 25 00:05:09,358 --> 00:05:13,237 Good morning, room four. This is your personal alarm call. 26 00:05:13,318 --> 00:05:17,516 Yes, l know. l'm just giving you time to wake up 27 00:05:17,598 --> 00:05:21,511 before your proper alarm call in... two and a half hours. 28 00:05:21,598 --> 00:05:25,147 That's right. Exactly when you booked it. Good morning! 29 00:05:26,238 --> 00:05:30,595 Oh! Mr Johnson and Ms. Harding. 30 00:05:30,678 --> 00:05:34,034 The common-law couple. l trust you slept well? 31 00:05:34,118 --> 00:05:36,632 Rather a rough night, actually. 32 00:05:36,718 --> 00:05:39,755 Oh...well, the perils of adultery. 33 00:05:43,278 --> 00:05:47,715 And you're not too tired to make your way downstairs for breakfast(!) 34 00:05:48,758 --> 00:05:50,714 l trust you both washed? 35 00:05:50,798 --> 00:05:52,754 Actually, the water was cold. 36 00:05:52,838 --> 00:05:56,911 That's no reason not to wash. We are British, you know? 37 00:05:56,998 --> 00:06:00,673 We invented cold showers to stop people masturbating. 38 00:06:01,998 --> 00:06:07,868 Oh! Oh! Perhaps that's why you're so upset about the lack of hot water! 39 00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:35,907 (Horn honks) 40 00:06:52,038 --> 00:06:53,994 (Hacking cough) 41 00:07:24,358 --> 00:07:25,586 Nearly home. 42 00:07:46,678 --> 00:07:48,236 (Dings bell) 43 00:07:48,318 --> 00:07:50,468 Ah, there you are, Eddie. 44 00:07:50,558 --> 00:07:56,315 Here are some bills. You handle them. l don't want to get my dabs on them. 45 00:07:56,398 --> 00:07:57,956 Righty-dokey, skip. 46 00:07:58,038 --> 00:08:00,791 Have you cleaned your teeth this morning? 47 00:08:08,958 --> 00:08:13,156 - Could l have a word? - Take your hand off me. 48 00:08:13,238 --> 00:08:16,071 l haven't got my hand on you. 49 00:08:16,158 --> 00:08:19,116 l've got security cameras, so it's on film. 50 00:08:19,198 --> 00:08:22,952 - l've got the evidence. - l brushed your arm. 51 00:08:23,038 --> 00:08:26,633 - You're a liar, Mr Jones. - Look, Mr Twat... 52 00:08:26,718 --> 00:08:28,310 lt's pronounced ''Thwaite''. 53 00:08:28,398 --> 00:08:32,596 Well, it's spelled Twat. T-W-A-T. TWAT! 54 00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:36,796 Keep your voice down, please. We have normal guests as well. 55 00:08:36,878 --> 00:08:41,076 Now, if you'll allow me to finish what l was doing 56 00:08:41,158 --> 00:08:43,388 before you so rudely interrupted... 57 00:08:43,478 --> 00:08:44,831 Ahem. 58 00:08:54,478 --> 00:08:58,073 There. Now, what is all this silly fuss about? 59 00:08:58,158 --> 00:09:02,356 l'm trying to get some breakfast and there's no waiter. 60 00:09:02,438 --> 00:09:04,998 Shirt and tie, wandering around with food. 61 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:09,151 Hard to spot, l know. Have you been to a restaurant before? 62 00:09:09,238 --> 00:09:10,830 Yes, but he's not there. 63 00:09:11,918 --> 00:09:13,670 Pascal! 64 00:09:20,838 --> 00:09:22,794 Pascal! 65 00:09:32,758 --> 00:09:34,555 See what l mean? 66 00:09:35,958 --> 00:09:37,391 Pascal! 67 00:09:41,278 --> 00:09:43,189 Chef, you seen Pascal? 68 00:09:43,278 --> 00:09:44,836 Pascal! 69 00:09:46,278 --> 00:09:47,950 (Board creaks and gas hisses) 70 00:09:48,038 --> 00:09:49,756 Chef, l said fix this. 71 00:09:49,838 --> 00:09:52,955 - lt's a fire hazard. - You fucking bastard! 72 00:09:54,318 --> 00:09:58,994 Very good, Chef, carry on. ls breakfast well underway? 73 00:10:00,438 --> 00:10:03,032 Look, may we order straightaway?! 74 00:10:03,118 --> 00:10:07,077 Yes, yes, yes! The waiter will be here directly. 75 00:10:07,158 --> 00:10:08,637 Oh! 76 00:10:09,798 --> 00:10:11,754 Ahh, morning, Mrs Foxfur. 77 00:10:11,838 --> 00:10:13,476 Morning, Twat. 78 00:10:17,478 --> 00:10:20,117 Eddie! What are you doing? 79 00:10:20,198 --> 00:10:23,076 l'm just...filing the bills. 80 00:10:23,158 --> 00:10:25,308 Oh. Have you seen Pascal? 81 00:10:25,398 --> 00:10:26,751 Uh, no. 82 00:10:26,838 --> 00:10:29,193 You'll have to help serving breakfast. 83 00:10:29,278 --> 00:10:33,476 l'll phone the psychiatric hospital to see if he's there again. 84 00:10:33,558 --> 00:10:35,708 Righty-dokey, skip. l'm your man. 85 00:10:35,798 --> 00:10:38,028 (TV) '..still searching for Gina Carbonara, 86 00:10:38,118 --> 00:10:41,428 'the ltalian filmstar who disappeared before her wedding yesterday, 87 00:10:41,518 --> 00:10:44,476 'much to the dismay of her intended husband, 88 00:10:44,558 --> 00:10:47,834 'the ltalian playboy and ex-racing driver Gino Guiseppe...' 89 00:10:47,918 --> 00:10:49,431 'You English fuckers!' 90 00:10:49,518 --> 00:10:52,555 '..who is currently fighting extradition back to ltaly 91 00:10:52,638 --> 00:10:54,549 'to face drug smuggling charges. 92 00:10:54,638 --> 00:10:58,074 'Ms Carbonara shot to fame portraying a prostitute 93 00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:03,391 'with a heart of gold in the film ''The Last Butterfly Of Summer''. 94 00:11:03,478 --> 00:11:06,436 'The film, with its controversial sex scenes, 95 00:11:06,518 --> 00:11:11,638 'took $160 million worldwide and won her an Oscar for Best Actress.' 96 00:11:11,718 --> 00:11:13,071 (Zip) 97 00:11:13,158 --> 00:11:15,831 'Her car was discovered near Beachy Head...' 98 00:11:15,918 --> 00:11:18,386 (Chef) Why you no pay me?! 99 00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:19,706 (Sobs) 100 00:11:20,878 --> 00:11:26,714 lt's three months since you bring me here and still you don't pay me! 101 00:11:26,798 --> 00:11:29,153 And why you sack Pascal?! 102 00:11:29,238 --> 00:11:33,550 Get back in there or l'll tell lmmigration about your visa! 103 00:11:33,638 --> 00:11:35,196 Yes - visa! 104 00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:41,114 And l didn't sack Pascal. l was about to phone the hospital about him. 105 00:11:43,198 --> 00:11:46,668 Remember your condition, darling. Use your breathing technique, 106 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:50,357 Wine? 107 00:11:50,438 --> 00:11:52,668 lt's a bit early, isn't it? 108 00:11:52,758 --> 00:11:57,229 What about an aperitif, then? Gin, scotch, poteen? 109 00:11:57,318 --> 00:12:01,470 What? No, thank you. What we'd really like is some breakfast. 110 00:12:02,678 --> 00:12:04,031 Oh. 111 00:12:04,118 --> 00:12:08,828 lf he does show up, give him some quick electric shock treatment 112 00:12:08,918 --> 00:12:10,670 and send him back! 113 00:12:10,758 --> 00:12:12,316 l eat your bacon! 114 00:12:13,918 --> 00:12:15,670 l eat your trifle! 115 00:12:19,438 --> 00:12:21,030 l drink your sherry! 116 00:12:23,518 --> 00:12:27,670 And what l can't eat... l put in the waste disposal! 117 00:12:27,758 --> 00:12:32,627 You big, fat bastard make me sad! 118 00:12:32,718 --> 00:12:35,835 (Grinding and smashing) 119 00:12:35,918 --> 00:12:38,227 l can particularly recommend this one. 120 00:12:38,318 --> 00:12:42,027 - Which one? - This page with all the wines. 121 00:12:42,118 --> 00:12:44,313 lt's a bit early for us. 122 00:12:44,398 --> 00:12:46,593 What are you doing up, then? 123 00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:49,988 Too early for wine, Eddie. Go and help Chef. 124 00:12:50,078 --> 00:12:54,390 Help Chef? But you know Chef and l don't get on. 125 00:12:54,478 --> 00:12:58,312 This is an emergency - l'll do Pascal's job out here, 126 00:12:58,398 --> 00:13:01,834 you do Pascal's job in there, OK? 127 00:13:01,918 --> 00:13:03,271 OK. 128 00:13:03,358 --> 00:13:05,792 Now, what would you like? 129 00:13:05,878 --> 00:13:08,631 (Banging and shouting) 130 00:13:20,198 --> 00:13:22,553 (Banging and crashing stops) 131 00:13:22,638 --> 00:13:26,472 Now, then. What would you like? 132 00:13:31,718 --> 00:13:33,515 Chef's hurt himself. 133 00:13:33,598 --> 00:13:35,156 How badly? 134 00:13:35,238 --> 00:13:40,187 lndescribably badly. He hit his head on a frying pan 17 times. 135 00:13:41,638 --> 00:13:42,593 (Eddie screams) 136 00:13:43,558 --> 00:13:45,674 - You cook. - l can't. 137 00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:47,874 - Nor could Chef. - Right. 138 00:13:47,958 --> 00:13:50,188 - Now, then... -(Banging) 139 00:13:50,278 --> 00:13:52,872 (Sighs) How can l help you? 140 00:13:52,958 --> 00:13:55,028 Where are your eggs from? 141 00:13:56,558 --> 00:13:58,355 Hen's vaginas. 142 00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:00,315 Ah... 143 00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:04,989 We'd like two full English breakfasts, 144 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:07,148 freshly squeezed orange juice, 145 00:14:07,238 --> 00:14:10,071 coffee for one - ground not instant - 146 00:14:10,158 --> 00:14:13,070 tea for one, lightly toasted wholemeal bread, 147 00:14:13,158 --> 00:14:14,989 and don't overcook the kidneys. 148 00:14:15,078 --> 00:14:17,876 Boiled egg as usual, Mrs Foxfur? 149 00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,676 Oh, yes, please. 150 00:14:19,758 --> 00:14:21,555 Thought so. 151 00:14:21,638 --> 00:14:25,153 Excuse me, l'll deal with important guests first. 152 00:14:25,238 --> 00:14:27,388 Oh, for Christ's sake! 153 00:14:30,838 --> 00:14:32,271 Ahem. 154 00:14:32,358 --> 00:14:35,031 Pheeb! One boiled egg. 155 00:14:38,918 --> 00:14:40,670 Pheeb! Hello? 156 00:14:41,878 --> 00:14:43,834 'Pheeb! Hello?' 157 00:14:43,918 --> 00:14:46,557 Yes, hello. One boiled egg. 158 00:14:47,638 --> 00:14:49,754 'Pheeb! Hello?' 159 00:14:49,838 --> 00:14:51,590 Yes, hello! 160 00:14:51,678 --> 00:14:55,034 'Pheeb! Who is it?' 161 00:14:55,118 --> 00:14:56,915 Pheeb! lt's Mr Thwaite. 162 00:14:56,998 --> 00:15:02,231 'Pheeb! He's not here. Can l take a message?' 163 00:15:03,518 --> 00:15:08,717 Look, it's me! Stop embarrassing me and just take the order! 164 00:15:08,798 --> 00:15:10,231 (Eddie yelps) 165 00:15:14,998 --> 00:15:16,954 One boiled... Damn! 166 00:15:17,038 --> 00:15:22,908 Pheeb! One boiled... Oh, forget Pheeb. One boiled egg! 167 00:15:22,998 --> 00:15:26,468 Pheeb! Hang on, l'll write it down. 168 00:15:26,558 --> 00:15:29,914 No, no, don't write it down, just remember it. 169 00:15:29,998 --> 00:15:32,592 'OK. How do you spell ''egg?''' 170 00:15:32,678 --> 00:15:34,669 No! Just remember it! 171 00:15:34,758 --> 00:15:40,993 Hang on, l've broken me pencil. l'll just find another. Oh, sorry. Pheeb! 172 00:15:41,078 --> 00:15:44,229 Eddie! Oh... Pheeb! Eddie! 173 00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:47,196 - Yeah?! - Look, here's a pencil. 174 00:15:47,278 --> 00:15:48,836 (Squidge and blood-curdling scream) 175 00:15:48,918 --> 00:15:52,228 Aaaarrrgh! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! 176 00:15:53,358 --> 00:15:56,668 Here's the order. Copy it out and cook it. 177 00:15:56,758 --> 00:15:58,714 But it'll taste all papery. 178 00:15:58,798 --> 00:16:01,870 Just do it or l'll pop these, OK? 179 00:16:03,078 --> 00:16:04,306 OK. 180 00:16:04,398 --> 00:16:06,832 Aaaaaarrrrgh! 181 00:16:06,918 --> 00:16:10,115 Ahh! Ahh! l thought you said ''or''! 182 00:16:10,198 --> 00:16:13,156 Freedom of speech. What we fought Hitler for. 183 00:16:13,238 --> 00:16:16,594 Now, let's just get on with it, shall we? 184 00:16:25,878 --> 00:16:27,436 Won't be long now. 185 00:16:30,518 --> 00:16:33,237 Could you possibly take our order? 186 00:16:33,318 --> 00:16:36,708 Oh, Edward and Mrs Simpson. 187 00:16:37,838 --> 00:16:39,669 l'd forgotten about you two. 188 00:16:39,758 --> 00:16:42,352 You must be ravenous? 189 00:16:42,438 --> 00:16:44,554 Can l take your order? 190 00:16:44,638 --> 00:16:46,754 Umm... 191 00:16:46,838 --> 00:16:51,195 Oh, all right. Why not? lt'll kill some time, won't it? 192 00:16:51,278 --> 00:16:54,748 lf you've finally managed to make up your minds. 193 00:16:58,078 --> 00:17:01,036 (Johnson) We'd like two full English breakfasts. 194 00:17:01,118 --> 00:17:04,076 - Do you have Lapsang Souchong? - No. 195 00:17:04,158 --> 00:17:08,310 l just put on my underpants the wrong way this morning. 196 00:17:09,478 --> 00:17:13,073 - Could l get some tea? - Of course! 197 00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:15,308 (Twat) What a wise choice. 198 00:17:16,358 --> 00:17:17,427 Right... 199 00:17:17,518 --> 00:17:22,592 And if l may say so, that is a smashing blouse. 200 00:17:22,678 --> 00:17:26,387 - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Aah! Aah! Aah! 201 00:17:31,558 --> 00:17:33,116 My God! 202 00:17:33,198 --> 00:17:35,109 Excuse me a moment. 203 00:17:40,878 --> 00:17:43,028 (Squelching) 204 00:18:00,718 --> 00:18:02,276 -(Squelch) - Ow... 205 00:18:09,558 --> 00:18:11,355 Heh heh! 206 00:18:13,958 --> 00:18:15,550 No! No! 207 00:18:17,318 --> 00:18:20,515 -(Squelch) - Ah! You've snapped my pencil! 208 00:18:22,358 --> 00:18:24,747 (Straining) 209 00:18:34,758 --> 00:18:37,989 (Screaming, banging and crashing) 210 00:18:41,278 --> 00:18:43,997 (Eddie) No, no! Not the fridge! 211 00:18:56,518 --> 00:18:57,587 No! 212 00:18:57,678 --> 00:18:58,747 Stop! 213 00:18:58,838 --> 00:19:00,191 Eddie! 214 00:19:00,278 --> 00:19:01,836 l'm sorry! 215 00:19:05,758 --> 00:19:07,635 How long for the egg? 216 00:19:07,718 --> 00:19:09,310 Three minutes, please. 217 00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:12,071 Excuse me one moment. 218 00:19:12,158 --> 00:19:13,477 Ahh! 219 00:19:14,358 --> 00:19:19,273 Uhhhh...urrgh! 220 00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:42,597 Aaaaaaarrrrgggh! 221 00:19:47,718 --> 00:19:49,709 - Ah! - Urgh! 222 00:19:49,798 --> 00:19:52,232 Urgh! Urgh! Urgh! 223 00:19:52,998 --> 00:19:56,468 Ah! Ah! Ah! 224 00:19:59,038 --> 00:20:04,237 Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Aaaaarrrgh! 225 00:20:06,318 --> 00:20:09,196 Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh! 226 00:20:14,518 --> 00:20:17,112 ls there any danger of getting food? 227 00:20:17,198 --> 00:20:19,029 - Breakfast's off. - Off? 228 00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:22,952 Yes. There is no breakfast. You're both too fat, anyway. 229 00:20:23,038 --> 00:20:25,506 Really! That's too much! l've never... 230 00:20:25,598 --> 00:20:28,351 Oh, do shut your gob, lard-arse! 231 00:20:28,438 --> 00:20:30,554 This is preposterous. 232 00:20:30,638 --> 00:20:33,436 You can shut yours, too. 233 00:20:33,518 --> 00:20:35,873 - That's it. - Darling, don't! 234 00:20:35,958 --> 00:20:38,153 Do you want some, eh? Do you want... 235 00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:41,674 - some? - He's a black belt in karate! 236 00:20:41,758 --> 00:20:45,467 More like a pink belt in hanging about gentlemen's lavatories! 237 00:20:54,798 --> 00:20:56,151 Richie... 238 00:20:57,438 --> 00:20:58,917 Hello, bird! 239 00:20:58,998 --> 00:21:01,193 Oh, Richie! lt's Richie! 240 00:21:01,278 --> 00:21:02,996 Oh, it's Richie! 241 00:21:03,078 --> 00:21:04,830 Hello...other bird! 242 00:21:04,918 --> 00:21:06,670 lt's Richie! Richie! 243 00:21:06,758 --> 00:21:10,831 Come saucy wood-nymphs, gather from your groves - it is Richie! 244 00:21:10,918 --> 00:21:12,795 Hello! 245 00:21:12,878 --> 00:21:15,915 Hello! Hello! Hello! 246 00:21:15,998 --> 00:21:17,989 Hello, birds! 247 00:21:18,078 --> 00:21:20,956 Come, love-nymphs. Out of respect for Richie, 248 00:21:21,038 --> 00:21:25,031 let us take out our great knockers and wobble them about. 249 00:21:26,838 --> 00:21:28,351 Oh, yes, let's! 250 00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:33,593 No, love-nymphs, let us open our fairy briefcases 251 00:21:33,678 --> 00:21:36,033 and shower him with unmarked tenners! 252 00:21:36,118 --> 00:21:37,392 Erotically... 253 00:21:37,478 --> 00:21:41,266 (All) Hurrah! Yes! What a smashing idea! 254 00:21:41,358 --> 00:21:46,352 But first, proud, firm young maidens who are definitely on for it, 255 00:21:46,438 --> 00:21:51,193 let us anoint him with pints of super-strength illegal cider! 256 00:21:51,278 --> 00:21:53,314 (All) Oh, yes! Let's! 257 00:21:54,838 --> 00:21:56,590 (Giggling) 258 00:22:00,398 --> 00:22:02,389 Settle, birds... 259 00:22:02,478 --> 00:22:04,070 (Eddie) Ha ha ha ha! 260 00:22:06,638 --> 00:22:09,072 Ha ha ha ha ha ha! 261 00:22:09,158 --> 00:22:10,955 A-ha ha ha ha ha! 262 00:22:13,478 --> 00:22:16,038 (Eddie's laughter echoes) 263 00:22:22,078 --> 00:22:24,387 Oh, stop it! Stop it! 264 00:22:25,478 --> 00:22:28,390 (Eddie) Richie, you've been out for eight hours! 265 00:22:28,478 --> 00:22:31,117 Eight hours? What have you been doing? 266 00:22:31,198 --> 00:22:33,393 Trying to rouse you with this. 267 00:22:33,478 --> 00:22:36,072 How has the hotel functioned without me? 268 00:22:36,158 --> 00:22:38,353 Easily, 'cause the guests have gone. 269 00:22:38,438 --> 00:22:40,474 Gone! Did any of them pay? 270 00:22:40,558 --> 00:22:43,311 Er...no. 271 00:22:43,398 --> 00:22:45,195 Did they find the safe? 272 00:22:45,278 --> 00:22:46,996 l'm afraid so. 273 00:22:47,078 --> 00:22:50,229 Damn! So they got all their stuff back?! 274 00:22:51,358 --> 00:22:52,950 (Cash till rings) 275 00:22:53,038 --> 00:22:54,357 Oh...! 276 00:22:54,438 --> 00:22:55,917 What about advance bookings? 277 00:22:55,998 --> 00:22:57,909 Um, not too good. 278 00:22:59,518 --> 00:23:01,588 Oh, God! 279 00:23:01,678 --> 00:23:05,432 Oh, come on, Richie. lt's not that bad. 280 00:23:05,518 --> 00:23:10,592 Yes, it is. l've just trapped my penis in the till drawer. 281 00:23:12,198 --> 00:23:13,756 (Cash till rings) 282 00:23:17,198 --> 00:23:18,756 (Foxfur) Oh, Mr Twat? 283 00:23:18,838 --> 00:23:20,396 lt's ''Thwaite!'' 284 00:23:20,478 --> 00:23:23,754 l thought you said all the guests have gone? 285 00:23:23,838 --> 00:23:25,794 l thought she was dead. 286 00:23:31,758 --> 00:23:35,990 Ah, Twat. My eggs still haven't arrived. 287 00:23:36,078 --> 00:23:39,070 Because you went through the menopause years ago. 288 00:23:39,158 --> 00:23:40,796 l beg your pardon? 289 00:23:42,078 --> 00:23:45,514 l said l'm afraid breakfast is off. 290 00:23:45,598 --> 00:23:48,476 Oh, have some sherry. 291 00:23:48,558 --> 00:23:51,789 Oh! ls it my birthday? 292 00:23:51,878 --> 00:23:56,474 - Oh...yes! - What, again? 293 00:23:57,918 --> 00:24:00,193 lt's the third time this month. 294 00:24:00,278 --> 00:24:02,508 Yes! Have another one. 295 00:24:05,358 --> 00:24:07,189 (Whispers) Eddie, mark the bottle. 296 00:24:07,278 --> 00:24:12,557 l was just wondering, Mrs Foxfur, given your increasing infirmity, 297 00:24:12,638 --> 00:24:15,789 whether you might like to take the opportunity 298 00:24:15,878 --> 00:24:18,233 to pay your bill in advance? 299 00:24:18,318 --> 00:24:21,833 We don't want you getting so crippled by arthritis 300 00:24:21,918 --> 00:24:24,307 that you can't sign the cheque. 301 00:24:24,398 --> 00:24:26,832 l gave you five years advance last week. 302 00:24:27,878 --> 00:24:30,472 Yeah! And the week before that. 303 00:24:30,558 --> 00:24:32,514 Oh, yes. 304 00:24:32,598 --> 00:24:33,667 Silly old me. 305 00:24:35,038 --> 00:24:36,790 (Sighs) 306 00:24:38,918 --> 00:24:40,067 Hmm... 307 00:24:46,278 --> 00:24:48,633 ls that gold in those teeth? 308 00:24:48,718 --> 00:24:50,754 You should get those checked. 309 00:24:50,838 --> 00:24:53,147 My twin is a dentist! 310 00:24:53,238 --> 00:24:57,516 Your twin? ls that the same twin who's a gynaecologist? 311 00:24:58,558 --> 00:24:59,911 Huh? 312 00:24:59,998 --> 00:25:03,627 Er, no, no. He's the third twin. 313 00:25:03,718 --> 00:25:08,633 Yes, that's who he is. l'll get him to come round this afternoon. 314 00:25:08,718 --> 00:25:12,506 No, l'll get him to come round right now. 315 00:25:12,598 --> 00:25:16,989 - Yes, but l... l think l... - No trouble, Mrs Foxfur. 316 00:25:17,078 --> 00:25:21,037 Come along. Up to your room. Come on, come on! 317 00:25:21,118 --> 00:25:22,631 COME ON! 318 00:25:23,718 --> 00:25:27,233 Right, l'll be... HE'll be along in a moment. 319 00:25:27,318 --> 00:25:28,876 Come on! Come on! 320 00:25:30,078 --> 00:25:33,787 Get me a doctor's coat, some pliers and a hammer. 321 00:25:33,878 --> 00:25:36,312 And your glasses as a disguise. 322 00:25:39,278 --> 00:25:41,155 How do l look? 323 00:25:41,238 --> 00:25:43,308 l don't know, l can't see. 324 00:25:43,398 --> 00:25:45,707 Edward, have you been taking drugs? 325 00:25:45,798 --> 00:25:49,711 Well, never mind depravity. Let's kick the old bint's teeth out. 326 00:25:49,798 --> 00:25:52,358 (Horns honking) 327 00:26:02,438 --> 00:26:05,032 You're sure this is the right place? 328 00:26:05,118 --> 00:26:09,475 - lt doesn't look nice. - There's a nuclear power station. 329 00:26:09,558 --> 00:26:13,790 Times are hard and this is the cheapest hotel in Britain. 330 00:26:13,878 --> 00:26:16,073 Let's make the best of it. 331 00:26:16,158 --> 00:26:18,956 Come on, we're on holiday! Hooray. 332 00:26:21,558 --> 00:26:25,437 - Oh! Oh! - Go on! Drink it, you bitch! 333 00:26:28,438 --> 00:26:30,952 Good, that should've loosened them up. 334 00:26:31,038 --> 00:26:35,111 Eddie, get the croquet mallet while l do some preliminary bridgework. 335 00:26:35,198 --> 00:26:36,551 Righty-dokey! 336 00:26:38,398 --> 00:26:40,832 (Bell dings) 337 00:26:40,918 --> 00:26:44,513 Quick, Eddie, put your fingerprints all over this hammer. 338 00:26:44,598 --> 00:26:45,826 Righto. 339 00:26:49,918 --> 00:26:53,547 Dr Twat, is that you? 340 00:26:53,638 --> 00:26:55,629 Er, yes. 341 00:26:55,718 --> 00:26:59,154 Have you completed the root canal work? 342 00:26:59,238 --> 00:27:01,832 -(Bell dings) - Er, yes. 343 00:27:01,918 --> 00:27:04,034 That's looking macfine. 344 00:27:04,118 --> 00:27:08,555 l'll pop back in a week and give ye a wee check-up. Come on, let's scarper! 345 00:27:15,638 --> 00:27:17,594 (Dings bell) 346 00:27:25,318 --> 00:27:27,070 (Dings bell) 347 00:27:31,438 --> 00:27:35,067 Good morning, good morning, good morning! 348 00:27:35,158 --> 00:27:38,355 We were beginning to think nobody was here. 349 00:27:38,438 --> 00:27:40,508 lt looked like the Marie Celeste. 350 00:27:40,598 --> 00:27:42,748 (Forced laughter) 351 00:27:49,238 --> 00:27:54,995 How amusing! Ha ha! Oh, ha ha ha! 352 00:27:58,358 --> 00:28:00,713 (Continues to laugh) 353 00:28:02,238 --> 00:28:04,991 Now, what can l do for you? 354 00:28:05,078 --> 00:28:06,830 Well, we were wondering... 355 00:28:06,918 --> 00:28:10,194 (Laughs again) 356 00:28:15,838 --> 00:28:18,830 (Straining to laugh) 357 00:28:18,918 --> 00:28:23,469 l'm sorry, l was just remembering. l must write that one down. 358 00:28:23,558 --> 00:28:25,992 ''Marie...Celeste.'' 359 00:28:26,078 --> 00:28:30,435 Ha ha ha! lmplying that we run the kind of hotel where... 360 00:28:30,518 --> 00:28:32,076 nobody wants to stay. 361 00:28:34,318 --> 00:28:38,550 Right, well, we were wondering if you had any rooms. 362 00:28:38,638 --> 00:28:40,833 Yes, we'd like two rooms, adjoining. 363 00:28:40,918 --> 00:28:42,749 With a sea view, please. 364 00:28:42,838 --> 00:28:46,831 Gosh, you're quite forthright, aren't you, in your demands? 365 00:28:46,918 --> 00:28:49,990 My word, Eddie. lmportant people here. 366 00:28:50,078 --> 00:28:53,229 Well, first things first. Got any valuables... 367 00:28:53,318 --> 00:28:55,878 that you'd like put in the safe? 368 00:28:55,958 --> 00:28:59,428 - Not really, no. - What about that ring? 369 00:28:59,518 --> 00:29:01,713 Well, l never take it off. 370 00:29:01,798 --> 00:29:04,153 The watch, then? ls that expensive? 371 00:29:04,238 --> 00:29:06,069 No, it's a cheap copy. 372 00:29:06,158 --> 00:29:08,752 That'll do. The pawnbroker's very short-sighted. 373 00:29:08,838 --> 00:29:10,237 Eddie! 374 00:29:10,318 --> 00:29:14,357 ..means you don't need a watch in paradise. 375 00:29:14,438 --> 00:29:17,669 Time...stops here. 376 00:29:18,878 --> 00:29:20,755 (Richie chuckles) So watch, please. 377 00:29:20,838 --> 00:29:23,796 - l'd rather keep it... - Watch! Please. 378 00:29:23,878 --> 00:29:26,551 - l won't be able... - Watch! 379 00:29:29,318 --> 00:29:30,671 Come along! 380 00:29:32,558 --> 00:29:35,277 Mmm. There, better safe than sorry. 381 00:29:36,318 --> 00:29:38,513 Eddie, take their bags. 382 00:29:39,518 --> 00:29:41,793 But...they'll see, won't they? 383 00:29:41,878 --> 00:29:45,587 No, Eddie, take their bags to their rooms. 384 00:29:45,678 --> 00:29:49,387 And you'll keep 'em talking? Gotcha! 385 00:29:49,478 --> 00:29:51,230 Whoo! Look over there! 386 00:29:59,038 --> 00:30:01,552 And off we go! 387 00:30:01,638 --> 00:30:03,549 Off to your rooms. 388 00:30:03,638 --> 00:30:05,356 Uh-uh uh-uh uh. 389 00:30:17,318 --> 00:30:20,230 - l beg your pardon? - l'll say. 390 00:30:23,718 --> 00:30:27,870 Have you stayed in a hotel before? This is the corridor. 391 00:30:27,958 --> 00:30:30,711 And this is the light switch. 392 00:30:30,798 --> 00:30:34,507 l've depressed the light switch, which is on a timer, 393 00:30:34,598 --> 00:30:36,475 which has been scientifically designed 394 00:30:36,558 --> 00:30:40,995 to allow you plenty of time to insert your key in the... 395 00:30:41,078 --> 00:30:42,431 Arse. 396 00:30:42,518 --> 00:30:44,713 (Boy) lnsert it in your arse? 397 00:30:44,798 --> 00:30:48,871 (Richie) Never mind, l'm a resourceful chap, so l find the... 398 00:30:48,958 --> 00:30:52,428 Bastard! Fucking! Where is it?! 399 00:30:53,518 --> 00:30:55,907 Ah, there we are. 400 00:30:57,518 --> 00:30:59,349 And in we go... 401 00:30:59,438 --> 00:31:02,032 Eddie! What on earth are you doing? 402 00:31:02,118 --> 00:31:07,067 Uh...l...was... just going to unpack for them. 403 00:31:07,158 --> 00:31:10,468 Don't worry, l'd like to do that myself. 404 00:31:10,558 --> 00:31:12,549 Where's the sea view? 405 00:31:12,638 --> 00:31:14,594 That'll be out the window. 406 00:31:15,718 --> 00:31:18,027 Well, l can't see it. 407 00:31:18,118 --> 00:31:21,076 Yes, you have to lean out. Come along. 408 00:31:21,158 --> 00:31:24,355 Lean out...lean out... LEAN out of the window! 409 00:31:24,438 --> 00:31:26,269 Hold on to the scaffolding 410 00:31:26,358 --> 00:31:30,829 and you can just see the sewage pipe in Dead Man's Cove. 411 00:31:30,918 --> 00:31:35,434 l've had it checked by lawyers so don't try anything funny. 412 00:31:35,518 --> 00:31:37,554 And, as a backup... 413 00:31:39,238 --> 00:31:44,073 l've got a picture of some sea, so l've got you both ways. 414 00:31:44,158 --> 00:31:47,867 Could l just ask, is breakfast thrown in? 415 00:31:47,958 --> 00:31:52,474 lt depends who's serving. l sometimes bring it on a tray. 416 00:31:52,558 --> 00:31:54,230 Eddie, a word. 417 00:31:56,358 --> 00:32:00,067 l've told you before, never talk to the adult guests. 418 00:32:00,158 --> 00:32:01,796 Ow! 419 00:32:01,878 --> 00:32:05,075 - What? - He poked me in the eye. 420 00:32:05,158 --> 00:32:08,070 No, she walked into my finger. 421 00:32:09,838 --> 00:32:12,432 Ha ha! Look, what time is it? 422 00:32:12,518 --> 00:32:17,467 Oh! Uh, why don't you let Eddie take these little...nippers 423 00:32:17,558 --> 00:32:19,389 off to the playground? 424 00:32:21,078 --> 00:32:23,797 Come on, you little rascals! 425 00:32:23,878 --> 00:32:25,277 (Richie chuckles) 426 00:32:25,358 --> 00:32:29,829 And you two pop down to the bar for a complementary sherry. 427 00:32:29,918 --> 00:32:32,671 - That sounds nice. - lt is. 428 00:32:32,758 --> 00:32:34,510 And only 75 pence. 429 00:32:36,998 --> 00:32:38,351 Each. 430 00:32:38,438 --> 00:32:39,951 ln advance. 431 00:32:40,038 --> 00:32:41,994 Oh, right. Sorry. 432 00:32:46,118 --> 00:32:48,348 There we are. Oh, yes... 433 00:32:48,438 --> 00:32:52,351 Uh...have a...nice...day. 434 00:32:55,638 --> 00:32:59,347 So, as we always say at the Guest House Paradiso, 435 00:32:59,438 --> 00:33:03,954 have fun, avoid the water and don't get shit on the sheets. 436 00:33:24,118 --> 00:33:25,471 Hmm. 437 00:33:29,278 --> 00:33:31,030 (Rusty squeaking) 438 00:33:35,638 --> 00:33:37,310 lt's horrible here. 439 00:33:38,998 --> 00:33:41,466 Welcome to the real world, kid. 440 00:34:07,838 --> 00:34:10,910 Oh! Ha ha ha! 441 00:34:10,998 --> 00:34:12,351 Oh! 442 00:34:13,478 --> 00:34:16,629 l really must have some more sherry. 443 00:34:18,118 --> 00:34:19,392 Eh...oh... 444 00:34:34,998 --> 00:34:38,308 Here you are, kid. Have a swig of this. 445 00:34:38,398 --> 00:34:40,354 lt helps keep things blurred. 446 00:34:40,438 --> 00:34:41,791 (Scream) 447 00:34:57,438 --> 00:34:58,791 Oh, damn. 448 00:35:05,318 --> 00:35:07,468 (Key turns in lock) 449 00:35:30,878 --> 00:35:32,709 (Woman) Shame about the weather. 450 00:35:32,798 --> 00:35:34,754 (Man) Shame about the hotel. 451 00:35:34,838 --> 00:35:37,033 (Woman) Never mind. Happy anniversary, darling. 452 00:35:39,358 --> 00:35:41,667 (Richie) Oh, no! No! 453 00:35:41,758 --> 00:35:43,749 Damn! Damn! Damn! 454 00:36:07,078 --> 00:36:12,277 lt's Mr Twat, you're going to have to vacate your room for a moment. 455 00:36:12,358 --> 00:36:14,314 -(Woman) Hello? - Excuse me. 456 00:36:15,798 --> 00:36:17,231 (Foreign accent) Hello? 457 00:36:22,798 --> 00:36:24,356 Hello? 458 00:36:26,318 --> 00:36:28,878 Hello, man behind the counter. 459 00:36:37,798 --> 00:36:40,028 Ah, there you are. 460 00:36:40,118 --> 00:36:42,188 Mr Twat? 461 00:36:42,278 --> 00:36:45,395 - No. - Do you know where he is? 462 00:36:45,478 --> 00:36:49,790 He could be anywhere. He's the only one who does a fucking thing! 463 00:36:49,878 --> 00:36:52,756 l'm surprised he hasn't had a nervous breakdown! 464 00:36:52,838 --> 00:36:53,793 Pardon? 465 00:36:53,878 --> 00:36:55,869 Uh...the bar. 466 00:36:58,158 --> 00:37:01,992 He is in the...bar. 467 00:37:02,078 --> 00:37:03,796 Right. 468 00:37:10,398 --> 00:37:12,866 But...there's no one there. 469 00:37:15,238 --> 00:37:16,990 Oh, God. Oh, God! 470 00:37:18,438 --> 00:37:21,953 God! Oh, God! Oh, fu... 471 00:37:25,238 --> 00:37:28,230 Everything's gone completely numb. 472 00:37:28,318 --> 00:37:30,707 You lucky bastard. 473 00:37:33,798 --> 00:37:36,437 Good morning, l'm looking for Mr Twat. 474 00:37:36,518 --> 00:37:37,792 Er... 475 00:37:37,878 --> 00:37:40,790 Have you tried reception? 476 00:37:40,878 --> 00:37:46,396 Yes, but he isn't there. The strange midget said he was in the lounge. 477 00:37:51,278 --> 00:37:56,193 Well, l'm sure if we wait here he'll turn up. 478 00:37:57,878 --> 00:37:59,789 Charming part of the country. 479 00:37:59,878 --> 00:38:02,233 (Board creaks, then gas hisses) 480 00:38:04,758 --> 00:38:07,431 Does it rain a lot around here? 481 00:38:09,118 --> 00:38:11,348 More or less continuously, yes. 482 00:38:12,438 --> 00:38:13,791 Oh. 483 00:38:14,998 --> 00:38:16,590 Oh, well. 484 00:38:16,678 --> 00:38:18,031 (Click) 485 00:38:18,118 --> 00:38:20,393 Good for the flowers, l suppose. 486 00:38:20,478 --> 00:38:22,946 Still quite warm, though. 487 00:38:36,598 --> 00:38:40,796 Look, something tells me l can trust you. 488 00:38:43,758 --> 00:38:45,589 You see, the thing is... 489 00:38:45,678 --> 00:38:48,033 (Board creaks, then gas hisses) 490 00:38:48,118 --> 00:38:50,074 The thing is... 491 00:38:54,998 --> 00:38:56,954 l am Gina Carbonara. 492 00:38:59,038 --> 00:39:00,994 Gina Carbonara, 493 00:39:01,078 --> 00:39:05,549 the famous ltalian film star and love object. 494 00:39:05,638 --> 00:39:10,792 Cor, blimey, wait till Richie hears about this! 495 00:39:12,198 --> 00:39:16,555 The truth is, l've had a little bother lately with... 496 00:39:17,638 --> 00:39:19,276 one thing and another, 497 00:39:20,478 --> 00:39:26,110 and l'm looking for a hotel that's quiet, discreet and out of the way, 498 00:39:26,198 --> 00:39:28,712 where the paparazzi won't find me. 499 00:39:29,638 --> 00:39:31,868 l wouldn't know where to recommend. 500 00:39:32,918 --> 00:39:34,795 l was thinking of here. 501 00:39:35,838 --> 00:39:36,793 Oh. 502 00:39:37,838 --> 00:39:39,635 Oh! 503 00:39:41,438 --> 00:39:45,909 This seems the perfect spot. You're not in any of the guidebooks. 504 00:39:45,998 --> 00:39:49,468 Nobody for miles around - an oasis of calm. 505 00:39:50,838 --> 00:39:54,148 Even the peasants in the village denied its existence. 506 00:39:57,398 --> 00:40:00,196 Oh, yes, this is the place. 507 00:40:01,558 --> 00:40:04,152 A perfect little refuge from the world. 508 00:40:09,318 --> 00:40:15,075 Right, well, we'd better... check you in, then. 509 00:40:21,118 --> 00:40:24,997 So if you're not the manager, who are you? 510 00:40:25,078 --> 00:40:27,546 l'm Eddie the bellboy. 511 00:40:27,638 --> 00:40:29,196 The bellboy? 512 00:40:29,278 --> 00:40:31,030 That's right. 513 00:40:31,118 --> 00:40:33,268 (Bell dongs) 514 00:40:33,358 --> 00:40:35,155 (Giggles) 515 00:40:35,238 --> 00:40:36,990 (High pitched giggle) 516 00:40:44,478 --> 00:40:47,868 And...here's your key. 517 00:40:48,958 --> 00:40:52,314 lt's room five, first floor, end of the corridor. 518 00:40:52,398 --> 00:40:54,673 l'll bring your luggage up directly. 519 00:40:59,598 --> 00:41:00,951 Mice. 520 00:41:02,878 --> 00:41:05,711 Basque Separatist mice. 521 00:41:12,558 --> 00:41:17,552 l was...just...cleaning the oven in my Ralph Lauren rubber shorts 522 00:41:17,638 --> 00:41:19,708 and...and...and... never mind about that now! 523 00:41:19,798 --> 00:41:23,154 l can't believe it! Gina Carbonara staying here! 524 00:41:23,238 --> 00:41:26,435 Gina Carbonara! The Melons from Milan! 525 00:41:26,518 --> 00:41:28,748 Yeah, the Nipples from Naples! 526 00:41:28,838 --> 00:41:30,590 The Rump from Rome! 527 00:41:30,678 --> 00:41:33,272 The Rectum from Reykjavik! 528 00:41:34,398 --> 00:41:38,949 - That's not right, is it? - l don't know. She gets around. 529 00:41:39,038 --> 00:41:40,869 Eddie, assemble all the staff! 530 00:41:40,958 --> 00:41:43,153 - Here l am. - Good. 531 00:41:43,238 --> 00:41:45,433 ls this it? Where's Lardy Basto? 532 00:41:45,518 --> 00:41:49,636 - Chef left this morning, remember? - Damn, so he did! 533 00:41:49,718 --> 00:41:53,267 So it's just us, then. Very well, then. 534 00:41:53,358 --> 00:41:54,916 Alone. 535 00:41:54,998 --> 00:41:57,193 God, what are we gonna do?! 536 00:41:57,278 --> 00:42:01,066 Calm! Down! Richie! lt's only Gina Carbonara! 537 00:42:01,158 --> 00:42:05,913 l know! l'm already straining these rubber underpants to the limit! 538 00:42:05,998 --> 00:42:08,114 We'll soon have you out. 539 00:42:08,838 --> 00:42:10,396 Unh! 540 00:42:10,478 --> 00:42:13,231 (Air hissing and rubber stretching) 541 00:42:13,318 --> 00:42:17,027 Ooh-uh! Oohh! Uh! Uh! 542 00:42:17,118 --> 00:42:18,790 What about dinner? 543 00:42:18,878 --> 00:42:24,236 She'll be expecting top-rate, poncey, French-style A1 nosh! 544 00:42:24,318 --> 00:42:29,267 l don't believe it! That Romanian bastard! He's eaten ALL the food! 545 00:42:29,358 --> 00:42:30,473 Oh! 546 00:42:30,558 --> 00:42:34,597 Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! OH, GOD! 547 00:42:34,678 --> 00:42:37,272 Why do these things happen to me? 548 00:42:37,358 --> 00:42:39,553 l thought this would be it, 549 00:42:39,638 --> 00:42:44,473 l was gonna get a blue plaque made saying ''Gina Carbonara stayed here.'' 550 00:42:44,558 --> 00:42:47,277 Now you'll need a slightly bigger one, 551 00:42:47,358 --> 00:42:51,715 saying ''Gina Carbonara stayed here and thought it was shit.'' 552 00:42:52,958 --> 00:42:56,587 - ls this gonna work? - ls the Pope Catholic? 553 00:42:56,678 --> 00:42:58,191 Yes, he is. 554 00:42:58,278 --> 00:43:01,475 ls he? Huh! l never knew that. 555 00:43:01,558 --> 00:43:03,071 Right. 556 00:43:03,158 --> 00:43:05,388 Yep, that should do it. 557 00:43:05,478 --> 00:43:08,038 What's the next part of the operation? 558 00:43:08,118 --> 00:43:13,670 l puncture the pants with this kebab skewer on the end of a broom handle. 559 00:43:13,758 --> 00:43:20,197 The sudden release of pressure causes the pants to gradually disintegrate. 560 00:43:21,318 --> 00:43:25,027 - lf you say so. - Brace yourself. 561 00:43:25,118 --> 00:43:27,234 And here it comes! 562 00:43:52,558 --> 00:43:54,753 (Boy) lt's so boring here! 563 00:43:54,838 --> 00:43:58,433 (Dad) Well, what about l-Spy? (Boy) No. 564 00:43:58,518 --> 00:44:00,713 (Dad) Let's play Charlene's favourite game. 565 00:44:00,798 --> 00:44:03,596 (Charlene) Yeah! (Boy) All right. 566 00:44:03,678 --> 00:44:05,828 (Door opens) 567 00:44:06,918 --> 00:44:10,672 OK, here we go, hope you're all hiding. 568 00:44:10,758 --> 00:44:12,111 One... 569 00:44:12,198 --> 00:44:14,075 two...three... 570 00:44:14,158 --> 00:44:16,718 four...five... 571 00:44:16,798 --> 00:44:18,834 six...seven... 572 00:44:18,918 --> 00:44:21,273 eight...nine... 573 00:44:22,598 --> 00:44:24,589 Ten! Coming, ready or not! 574 00:44:26,518 --> 00:44:28,793 - Oh, you've grown. - What? 575 00:44:28,878 --> 00:44:31,517 - Oh, l see! - Mr Twat? 576 00:44:31,598 --> 00:44:36,547 lt's ''Thwaite!'' No, no, l'm not him, l'm his deranged half-brother! 577 00:44:36,638 --> 00:44:38,833 Hur hur hur hee! 578 00:44:38,918 --> 00:44:41,876 (Strangled moans) 579 00:44:45,198 --> 00:44:46,836 (Crashing and banging) 580 00:44:50,958 --> 00:44:55,474 And stay there! Never enter the public areas of the hotel! 581 00:44:56,558 --> 00:45:01,029 Oh, l'm so sorry. l was talking to my demented half-brother. 582 00:45:01,118 --> 00:45:04,474 - ls he all right? - No, he's mad. 583 00:45:04,558 --> 00:45:06,628 But don't worry, it's terminal! 584 00:45:06,718 --> 00:45:09,312 Now, allow me to show you around. 585 00:45:09,398 --> 00:45:12,788 Oh, my, you have a pert elbow. 586 00:45:14,598 --> 00:45:17,670 You must be Gina Carbonara. 587 00:45:17,758 --> 00:45:21,307 Yes, and you must be Mr Thwaite. 588 00:45:21,398 --> 00:45:24,071 lt's ''Twat.'' Damn... 589 00:45:24,158 --> 00:45:27,230 l'm sorry, please, forgive me, Mr Twat. 590 00:45:27,318 --> 00:45:28,546 Yes. 591 00:45:28,638 --> 00:45:32,995 l have a problem, could you come into my room? 592 00:45:33,078 --> 00:45:34,955 - No... - You won't? 593 00:45:35,038 --> 00:45:38,189 No, no, l WON'T have a problem. 594 00:45:38,278 --> 00:45:42,749 - l'm not being too forward? - No, l like them sticking out. 595 00:45:44,238 --> 00:45:46,877 Now, what seems to be the problem? 596 00:45:46,958 --> 00:45:49,631 Electrics? Plumbing? The...stench? 597 00:45:50,798 --> 00:45:54,996 Although, by the way, should you have a personal problem 598 00:45:55,078 --> 00:45:58,036 l am in fact a qualified gynaecologist. 599 00:45:59,558 --> 00:46:03,312 Well, strictly speaking l'm an amateur - but l'm bloody keen. 600 00:46:03,398 --> 00:46:05,673 Keen as mustard. 601 00:46:05,758 --> 00:46:09,512 - l'm having trouble with my zip. - Your zip? 602 00:46:09,598 --> 00:46:11,236 Could you undo it? 603 00:46:12,998 --> 00:46:14,556 (Mumbles) 604 00:46:14,638 --> 00:46:15,832 Pardon? 605 00:46:17,118 --> 00:46:19,074 (Mumbles) 606 00:46:19,158 --> 00:46:21,149 No, l still don't understand. 607 00:46:21,238 --> 00:46:24,674 (Quivering) You want me to undo your zip? 608 00:46:24,758 --> 00:46:26,874 Oh, yes. Would you? 609 00:46:26,958 --> 00:46:30,428 (Quivering) Well, l'll have a bloody good go. 610 00:46:30,518 --> 00:46:32,031 Thank you. 611 00:46:34,678 --> 00:46:37,317 You see it is just stuck here. 612 00:46:37,398 --> 00:46:41,107 You don't mind that l do not wear a brassiere? 613 00:46:41,198 --> 00:46:43,075 Uh, no. 614 00:46:43,158 --> 00:46:47,913 This is such a charming hotel, unlike anywhere else l've ever been. 615 00:46:50,278 --> 00:46:52,872 l feel l could stay here forever. 616 00:46:52,958 --> 00:46:54,311 (Zip) 617 00:46:55,398 --> 00:46:57,434 You're such a sweet man. 618 00:47:09,678 --> 00:47:12,988 Love is such a fickle thing, don't you think? 619 00:47:13,078 --> 00:47:15,194 What? Oh, love. 620 00:47:15,278 --> 00:47:17,838 Oh, yes, love. 621 00:47:17,918 --> 00:47:19,476 Oh, lumme! Love! 622 00:47:19,558 --> 00:47:21,435 H-how very well put. 623 00:47:21,518 --> 00:47:25,989 How very amusing. Ha ha ha ha... 624 00:47:26,078 --> 00:47:28,114 How soi-disant... Ah! Uh! 625 00:47:29,518 --> 00:47:31,474 Yes, it's such... 626 00:47:31,558 --> 00:47:33,833 Oh...he's gone. 627 00:47:38,718 --> 00:47:41,516 Ooh, it's cold in here. 628 00:47:41,598 --> 00:47:42,553 Arrrgh! 629 00:47:43,638 --> 00:47:44,957 (Horn honks) 630 00:47:45,038 --> 00:47:46,517 Eddie! 631 00:47:48,798 --> 00:47:50,993 Aaaarrgh! AAAAARRRGH! 632 00:47:54,438 --> 00:47:56,474 Bloody road protesters! 633 00:47:56,558 --> 00:47:58,947 Save the B157! 634 00:47:59,038 --> 00:48:02,474 Marvellous, Eddie! Look! Fish for supper! 635 00:48:02,558 --> 00:48:05,709 We're saved! Ha ha ha! 636 00:48:10,158 --> 00:48:12,513 (Whistling happily) 637 00:48:30,838 --> 00:48:34,990 Have you had enough time to read the menu, Mrs Foxfur? 638 00:48:35,078 --> 00:48:38,388 Well, l think l'll have the fish. 639 00:48:38,478 --> 00:48:40,867 Oh, good. Wise choice. 640 00:48:40,958 --> 00:48:44,109 So everyone's having fish, then. Excellent. 641 00:48:45,478 --> 00:48:47,309 l don't like this fish. 642 00:48:47,398 --> 00:48:48,956 You'll eat it. 643 00:48:49,038 --> 00:48:53,714 You're a minor, you have no rights and l'll happily call the police! 644 00:48:53,798 --> 00:48:58,747 For what the Lord has provided let us be truly F-ing thankful. 645 00:48:58,838 --> 00:49:01,306 And the same goes for you! 646 00:49:01,398 --> 00:49:03,628 - Enjoying your meal? - Yes. 647 00:49:03,718 --> 00:49:07,870 We've got royalty coming downstairs in a minute so fucking behave! 648 00:49:08,638 --> 00:49:10,117 Who are you? 649 00:49:11,198 --> 00:49:13,666 - We're Mr... - And Mrs. 650 00:49:13,758 --> 00:49:17,034 (Both, giggling) Barker. 651 00:49:17,118 --> 00:49:21,316 The honeymoon couple? Have you been in bed all day? 652 00:49:21,398 --> 00:49:23,468 Well, we're newlyweds. 653 00:49:23,558 --> 00:49:26,311 Good grief! What can l get you? 654 00:49:26,398 --> 00:49:29,071 Vitamins? Energy tablets? Fanny pump? 655 00:49:30,198 --> 00:49:33,747 - N-no, a table. - Let's go back upstairs. 656 00:49:33,838 --> 00:49:37,911 You bloody well won't! That's enough of that sort of thing! 657 00:49:37,998 --> 00:49:41,308 Just sit down and eat quietly like normal people! 658 00:49:41,398 --> 00:49:45,107 lt's absolutely disgusting! 659 00:49:47,078 --> 00:49:49,751 Now, what can l get you? 660 00:49:50,878 --> 00:49:52,789 D'you have any fish? 661 00:49:53,878 --> 00:49:56,631 Oh! l'll see what l can do. 662 00:50:06,238 --> 00:50:09,036 Good evening, Miss Carbonara. 663 00:50:09,118 --> 00:50:10,710 Good evening, Mr Twat. 664 00:50:10,798 --> 00:50:12,595 Ha ha, it's ''Cunt''. 665 00:50:14,038 --> 00:50:16,268 Oh, damn. Again. 666 00:50:18,678 --> 00:50:23,194 Would it be too much trouble if l ate in my room? 667 00:50:23,278 --> 00:50:26,076 Oh. Of course. 668 00:50:27,638 --> 00:50:28,991 Oh... 669 00:50:29,078 --> 00:50:30,636 Of course. 670 00:50:30,718 --> 00:50:34,757 What can l bring you? The fish is very good tonight. 671 00:50:34,838 --> 00:50:38,717 Yes, lightly grilled fish and a salad would be perfect. 672 00:50:38,798 --> 00:50:42,916 ''Lightly'' grilled fish? And a ''salad''? 673 00:50:43,958 --> 00:50:47,234 Righty-ho. l'll have that up in a jiffy. 674 00:50:47,318 --> 00:50:50,754 Would it offend you if l ate it naked? 675 00:50:52,478 --> 00:50:53,831 Hmm? 676 00:50:53,918 --> 00:50:56,512 l would like to have it undressed. 677 00:50:57,998 --> 00:50:59,147 Hmm? 678 00:50:59,238 --> 00:51:01,752 l don't want to cause a fuss. 679 00:51:01,838 --> 00:51:05,911 Oh, no, no! They'll be raring to go on that one. 680 00:51:05,998 --> 00:51:10,116 - Undressed, you say? - lt's good for my chakras. 681 00:51:10,198 --> 00:51:13,952 l should imagine. Chakras like those want looking after. 682 00:51:14,038 --> 00:51:17,792 As we used to say in the Boy Scouts... 683 00:51:17,878 --> 00:51:19,470 (Eddie) Pheeb! 684 00:51:21,718 --> 00:51:23,390 Oh, she's gone. 685 00:51:23,478 --> 00:51:27,756 Right, Edward Elizabeth Ndingombaba, this could be our lucky day! 686 00:51:35,758 --> 00:51:37,828 (Knock at door) 687 00:51:37,918 --> 00:51:39,397 Come in. 688 00:51:52,038 --> 00:51:53,596 Good evening. 689 00:51:53,678 --> 00:51:55,236 (Whispers) Good one. 690 00:51:57,558 --> 00:51:59,116 Good evening. 691 00:52:03,878 --> 00:52:06,312 You have a very big hat. 692 00:52:08,078 --> 00:52:11,514 Well, you're a very attractive bird. 693 00:52:23,478 --> 00:52:28,313 And with your salad - salad cream or cooking oil? 694 00:52:28,398 --> 00:52:30,275 Pardon? 695 00:52:31,358 --> 00:52:32,871 Cream or oil? 696 00:52:32,958 --> 00:52:36,314 No, l said l wanted the salad undressed. 697 00:52:36,398 --> 00:52:39,356 l know, and we're looking forward to it. 698 00:52:39,438 --> 00:52:40,917 l'll say. 699 00:52:40,998 --> 00:52:44,832 No, l mean...without dressing. 700 00:52:46,198 --> 00:52:47,756 Oh... 701 00:52:47,838 --> 00:52:51,467 Oh. Oh, God. Back to the kitchen. 702 00:52:51,558 --> 00:52:54,516 Oh, God. Quickly! Quickly! Quickly! 703 00:52:54,598 --> 00:52:56,156 Oh, God! Oh, God! 704 00:52:59,038 --> 00:53:01,598 Really, i-i-i-it's just too much. 705 00:53:01,678 --> 00:53:04,511 l-l'm gonna... l-l'm gonna confront him. 706 00:53:04,598 --> 00:53:07,271 So you take the kids to bed. 707 00:53:07,358 --> 00:53:09,394 Well, be careful, babe. 708 00:53:14,478 --> 00:53:15,831 (Dings) 709 00:53:15,918 --> 00:53:17,271 Hello? 710 00:53:23,878 --> 00:53:25,709 (Dings) Hello? 711 00:54:09,718 --> 00:54:13,028 Time for beddy-byes, is it? Sweet dreams! 712 00:54:16,358 --> 00:54:19,668 Oh, l don't feel well. 713 00:54:19,758 --> 00:54:21,111 (Farts) 714 00:54:23,758 --> 00:54:25,953 Hey, give her one from me! 715 00:54:26,038 --> 00:54:30,236 lf you're too tired l'll come and give her one myself! 716 00:54:30,318 --> 00:54:32,070 l'm not joking, actually. 717 00:54:51,158 --> 00:54:53,752 (Richie) What do you think you're doing? 718 00:54:53,838 --> 00:54:57,911 l wanted you. Some underwear has gone missing from our room. 719 00:54:57,998 --> 00:55:01,877 Really? And what sort of UNDERWEAR was it? 720 00:55:01,958 --> 00:55:03,596 Uh, well... 721 00:55:03,678 --> 00:55:06,590 They were crotchless rubber panties, actually! 722 00:55:08,358 --> 00:55:10,553 You're quite sure they were crotchless? 723 00:55:10,638 --> 00:55:13,550 Yes, and a rubber bra is missing as well. 724 00:55:13,638 --> 00:55:17,347 Hey, Rich, look at this bloke in spiky underwear! 725 00:55:17,438 --> 00:55:20,828 ls it...? ls it you? 726 00:55:20,918 --> 00:55:23,637 - Put that back on! - No. 727 00:55:30,598 --> 00:55:32,156 lt's broken. 728 00:55:32,238 --> 00:55:36,151 - And there's no other machine? - No. Afraid not. 729 00:55:37,918 --> 00:55:44,107 Well, l'll just show this tape to the police in the morning. 730 00:55:44,198 --> 00:55:45,756 Hey, Rich... 731 00:55:45,838 --> 00:55:47,794 What are we gonna do? 732 00:55:47,878 --> 00:55:53,908 We'll just bide our time, Eddie. We'll just bide our time. 733 00:55:58,318 --> 00:56:01,276 Can you take your hand off my penis? 734 00:56:01,358 --> 00:56:03,189 Hmm? Oh, sorry. 735 00:56:11,798 --> 00:56:14,437 (Eddie) Whoo-oo-oo-oo! 736 00:56:16,918 --> 00:56:19,148 Whoo-oo-oo-oo! 737 00:56:20,478 --> 00:56:23,038 Whoo-oo-oo-oo! 738 00:56:24,238 --> 00:56:26,388 Whoo-oo-oo-oo! 739 00:56:28,198 --> 00:56:29,677 Whoo-oo-oo-oo! 740 00:56:29,758 --> 00:56:32,511 Will you stop making those owl noises! 741 00:56:32,598 --> 00:56:35,749 - Sorry. - Right. Now follow me. 742 00:56:35,838 --> 00:56:38,432 (Crack) Aaaaaaaaarrrghhh! 743 00:56:39,918 --> 00:56:42,113 Rich! Rich! 744 00:56:43,198 --> 00:56:44,756 What happened? 745 00:56:44,838 --> 00:56:46,829 Candle in the eye. 746 00:56:46,918 --> 00:56:48,192 Pardon? 747 00:56:48,278 --> 00:56:51,190 Candle in the eye! 748 00:56:51,278 --> 00:56:52,233 Righto. 749 00:56:53,278 --> 00:56:54,950 Aaaaaaaarrrrrgghh! 750 00:56:57,438 --> 00:56:59,394 (Banging and crashing) 751 00:57:00,918 --> 00:57:04,194 (Richie groans) Stop it! Stop...it! Stop it! 752 00:57:04,278 --> 00:57:06,394 Look...look... 753 00:57:06,478 --> 00:57:11,506 Uhh! Let's get sensible, OK?! 754 00:57:11,598 --> 00:57:13,714 Come on, it's this way. 755 00:57:18,398 --> 00:57:20,514 Here we are. Shh! 756 00:57:32,238 --> 00:57:35,469 Right, they're fast asleep. Get your tackle out. 757 00:57:35,558 --> 00:57:37,435 l beg your pardon? 758 00:57:37,518 --> 00:57:39,349 Hand me your rod. 759 00:57:39,438 --> 00:57:42,032 - Huh? - The fishing rod. 760 00:57:42,118 --> 00:57:43,995 Oh! Righto. 761 00:57:52,198 --> 00:57:55,190 Here we go. (Laughs) 762 00:57:55,278 --> 00:57:56,506 Shh! 763 00:58:06,758 --> 00:58:08,191 Oh-oh-oh...! 764 00:58:12,758 --> 00:58:14,589 Got it. 765 00:58:25,518 --> 00:58:28,157 He's got a tight grip on it. 766 00:58:34,598 --> 00:58:36,554 (Straining) 767 00:58:50,958 --> 00:58:53,233 Ah! Ooh... 768 00:58:53,318 --> 00:58:55,229 You're gonna have to help. 769 00:58:55,318 --> 00:58:57,149 Right you are. 770 00:58:59,158 --> 00:59:01,831 Cor! You got a whopper there. 771 00:59:01,918 --> 00:59:05,354 Why, thank you, Eddie. Must be all the excitement. 772 00:59:08,998 --> 00:59:13,708 Oh, yeah... Lady Diana, Princess of Wales... 773 00:59:13,798 --> 00:59:15,914 Smack me up, you bitch. 774 00:59:15,998 --> 00:59:17,909 (Both strain) 775 00:59:19,598 --> 00:59:21,156 (Bonk) 776 00:59:24,518 --> 00:59:26,270 (Richie) Ooh! Ooh! 777 00:59:27,078 --> 00:59:28,431 (Bonk) 778 00:59:29,958 --> 00:59:31,027 (Bonk) 779 00:59:31,118 --> 00:59:33,552 Unh! Come on! 780 00:59:40,398 --> 00:59:41,797 Oh! 781 00:59:43,118 --> 00:59:45,552 (Doorbell rings) 782 00:59:45,638 --> 00:59:47,196 Who's that? 783 00:59:47,278 --> 00:59:49,155 Someone ringing the doorbell. 784 00:59:49,238 --> 00:59:50,717 l think you're right. 785 00:59:50,798 --> 00:59:53,756 See what they want before they wake everyone. 786 00:59:53,838 --> 00:59:57,148 And Eddie, if it's the police, claim all responsibility. 787 00:59:57,238 --> 00:59:59,433 - Righto. - Good man. 788 01:00:03,038 --> 01:00:04,551 (Ringing) 789 01:00:05,678 --> 01:00:07,714 l'm coming! l'm coming! 790 01:00:11,078 --> 01:00:12,830 Where's Gina Carbonara?! 791 01:00:12,918 --> 01:00:15,386 GlNA! GlNA! 792 01:00:20,838 --> 01:00:23,989 lt's, uh, just along here, room five... 793 01:00:25,078 --> 01:00:28,150 OK, now, bring me romantic supper for two 794 01:00:28,238 --> 01:00:30,149 and expensive bottle of champagne, 795 01:00:30,238 --> 01:00:33,787 otherwise you are one dead motherfucker! 796 01:00:33,878 --> 01:00:37,951 Watch the language. We're trying to keep this PG, all right? 797 01:00:38,038 --> 01:00:42,190 OK, excuse me, otherwise you are one dead father-fucker! 798 01:00:44,158 --> 01:00:45,876 l tried. 799 01:00:53,158 --> 01:00:54,477 Gino! 800 01:00:56,038 --> 01:00:57,596 (Whispers) Si. 801 01:00:57,678 --> 01:01:01,796 So, why you not turn up at the church-a yesterday? 802 01:01:03,598 --> 01:01:08,228 You are too famous not to come to your own-a wedding! Eh?! 803 01:01:09,318 --> 01:01:14,233 Or is poor Gino, from Sicily, your own-a country... 804 01:01:14,318 --> 01:01:16,957 is not a-good enough for you, huh? 805 01:01:17,038 --> 01:01:18,596 ls that it? 806 01:01:20,278 --> 01:01:21,836 - Ah! -(Sobs) 807 01:01:38,238 --> 01:01:39,796 Gina... 808 01:01:39,878 --> 01:01:43,348 You know why l didn't come. 809 01:01:43,438 --> 01:01:46,748 How can l know? You never tell me anything. 810 01:01:46,838 --> 01:01:51,514 Because the night before the wedding you sleep with all three bridesmaids. 811 01:01:52,638 --> 01:01:55,630 But at the time l wasn't-a married! 812 01:01:55,718 --> 01:01:57,674 l was a free Gino! 813 01:01:57,758 --> 01:02:01,034 Gina... Per favUre, Gina... 814 01:02:01,118 --> 01:02:05,350 Gina... Gina... AmUre... 815 01:02:05,438 --> 01:02:08,350 Gina, per favUre, amUre. 816 01:02:26,918 --> 01:02:28,556 Amore, bambina... 817 01:02:28,638 --> 01:02:34,235 l do not want-a to spend another moment of my life without you, huh? 818 01:02:34,318 --> 01:02:37,628 Do you have-a your wedding dress with you? 819 01:02:39,238 --> 01:02:44,596 Why don't you put it on for me, for Gino? 820 01:02:44,678 --> 01:02:47,238 So we can-a marry ourself, huh? 821 01:02:47,318 --> 01:02:49,707 -(Knock at door) - Si! 822 01:02:49,798 --> 01:02:51,550 (Eddie) Room service! 823 01:02:56,158 --> 01:02:57,716 (Gasps) 824 01:02:57,798 --> 01:02:59,595 - Gino? - Si?! 825 01:02:59,678 --> 01:03:01,191 Look. 826 01:03:02,238 --> 01:03:05,071 Yes, it's-a very beautiful. Put it on! 827 01:03:09,158 --> 01:03:12,116 Do you know a nice bordello around here? 828 01:03:13,918 --> 01:03:18,867 You find-a me some pretty girls... and put them in another room. 829 01:03:21,398 --> 01:03:23,787 He's bad! 830 01:03:25,918 --> 01:03:29,752 The boyfriend? Why didn't she tell me he was coming? 831 01:03:34,798 --> 01:03:37,266 Ah... Leading me on. 832 01:03:38,798 --> 01:03:40,550 Brazen hussy. 833 01:03:41,598 --> 01:03:43,748 She was just using me... 834 01:03:44,838 --> 01:03:47,068 before she tied the knot. 835 01:03:47,158 --> 01:03:51,868 Just one last little bit of love exercise. 836 01:03:51,958 --> 01:03:54,188 Which didn't come off. 837 01:03:55,558 --> 01:03:57,947 Like these blasted pants. 838 01:03:59,198 --> 01:04:01,393 Oh, that reminds me! Oh, God! 839 01:04:02,478 --> 01:04:04,673 (Door opens) 840 01:04:04,758 --> 01:04:06,988 Richie? Richie? 841 01:04:10,278 --> 01:04:12,428 (Doorbell rings) 842 01:04:25,638 --> 01:04:27,788 (Men) Evening, Eddie! 843 01:04:27,878 --> 01:04:30,312 Oh, no. Friday night. 844 01:04:30,398 --> 01:04:32,229 Yep, another shift done! 845 01:04:32,318 --> 01:04:35,674 Sorry we're late. Had a party at the plant. 846 01:04:35,758 --> 01:04:40,707 A leaving party. Well, someone on B shift died, so technically it was! 847 01:04:40,798 --> 01:04:44,029 (Laughing and sickly coughing) 848 01:05:28,998 --> 01:05:31,432 (Eddie) No, look, l'm sorry, but... 849 01:05:31,518 --> 01:05:34,794 The weekly lock-in at Guest House Paradiso! 850 01:05:34,878 --> 01:05:40,430 All right, but it'll have to be a quick one -we've got guests. 851 01:05:40,518 --> 01:05:42,076 You've got guests?! 852 01:05:54,998 --> 01:05:57,148 All right, what'll it be? 853 01:06:09,918 --> 01:06:12,148 l feel poorly. 854 01:06:12,238 --> 01:06:14,149 (Gasps) 855 01:06:14,238 --> 01:06:17,992 Dad! Dad! Dad! DAD! Dad, wake up! 856 01:06:18,078 --> 01:06:19,431 (Yelps) 857 01:06:19,518 --> 01:06:22,078 - What is it, Damien? - Darling? 858 01:06:22,158 --> 01:06:25,275 The nasty man! He's in the cupboard! 859 01:06:25,358 --> 01:06:27,667 - What? - The hotel man! 860 01:06:27,758 --> 01:06:29,988 You're just having a nightmare, darling. 861 01:06:30,078 --> 01:06:31,716 But he's in there! 862 01:06:31,798 --> 01:06:33,629 Come into bed with us. 863 01:06:33,718 --> 01:06:36,027 But he really is there... 864 01:06:36,118 --> 01:06:38,996 l'm sure you think he's in there. 865 01:06:42,358 --> 01:06:46,510 l've been having some nightmares about that man myself. 866 01:06:57,278 --> 01:06:59,667 l feel poorly. 867 01:07:03,398 --> 01:07:08,233 Cor, l'm glad that shift's over - they had to give me seven showers! 868 01:07:08,318 --> 01:07:11,276 We had a bit of a leak yesterday, 869 01:07:11,358 --> 01:07:15,067 had to burn all the dead fish from the bay. 870 01:07:15,158 --> 01:07:16,989 You probably saw the lorries. 871 01:07:17,078 --> 01:07:19,034 - Shh! - Mmm! 872 01:07:26,958 --> 01:07:28,516 Mama mia... 873 01:07:30,958 --> 01:07:32,630 You look-a beautiful. 874 01:07:43,318 --> 01:07:45,274 (Loud whirring) 875 01:07:54,198 --> 01:07:55,836 (Grinding) 876 01:07:59,318 --> 01:08:01,070 (Whirring stops) 877 01:08:07,398 --> 01:08:11,232 And l, Gino Guiseppe Gianluca Bolognese, 878 01:08:11,318 --> 01:08:15,027 take you, Gina Tortellini Carbonara, 879 01:08:16,358 --> 01:08:22,388 to be my lawful wedded wife, to love and cherish me, to serve and obey me 880 01:08:22,478 --> 01:08:24,355 till death do us part. 881 01:08:24,438 --> 01:08:25,791 Amen. 882 01:08:36,678 --> 01:08:38,236 l do. 883 01:08:38,318 --> 01:08:41,071 l now pronounce us man... 884 01:08:43,158 --> 01:08:45,274 and his woman! 885 01:08:48,158 --> 01:08:49,910 -(Zip) - No, Gino! 886 01:08:49,998 --> 01:08:51,829 No?! What do you mean?! 887 01:08:51,918 --> 01:08:55,627 You are my woman, everything that is yours is mine! 888 01:09:14,358 --> 01:09:15,711 (Roars) 889 01:09:15,798 --> 01:09:20,792 You bring-a shame and dishonour to the whole-a Bolognese family! 890 01:09:39,518 --> 01:09:41,349 No sandwiches tonight, Eddie? 891 01:09:42,638 --> 01:09:44,788 Uh.... 892 01:09:45,918 --> 01:09:47,909 (Telephone rings) 893 01:09:52,358 --> 01:09:55,828 Hello...? Night...porter. 894 01:09:58,398 --> 01:09:59,877 (Sobbing) 895 01:09:59,958 --> 01:10:02,836 Where are the whores l ordered? 896 01:10:03,838 --> 01:10:06,147 l ordered three prostitutes! 897 01:10:06,238 --> 01:10:08,911 Send them to my room now. 898 01:10:13,078 --> 01:10:14,830 Huh? OK. 899 01:10:17,558 --> 01:10:19,310 Excuse me, gentlemen. 900 01:10:19,398 --> 01:10:21,514 (Telephone rings) 901 01:10:25,398 --> 01:10:27,832 Hello, night porter? 902 01:10:27,918 --> 01:10:29,476 (Richie) Eddie, it's me. 903 01:10:29,558 --> 01:10:32,914 l'm stuck inside the bedside cabinet in room six. 904 01:10:34,038 --> 01:10:36,632 OK. Won't be a minute, gents. 905 01:10:39,638 --> 01:10:42,596 l'll go and get us the sandwiches. 906 01:10:46,078 --> 01:10:49,070 All l want is what is rightfully mine! 907 01:10:50,238 --> 01:10:55,790 Gino! This was my mother's dress! And my grandmother's before that. 908 01:10:55,878 --> 01:10:59,109 That's OK, bring them. l'll fuck them too! 909 01:10:59,198 --> 01:11:01,029 l am one fucky guy! 910 01:11:22,078 --> 01:11:23,830 What are you doing? 911 01:11:23,918 --> 01:11:28,389 Sorry, hotel maintenance. l have to remove this bedside cabinet. 912 01:11:28,478 --> 01:11:31,515 - What? - Yes, it's...got woodworm. 913 01:11:31,598 --> 01:11:34,192 But it's the middle of the night. 914 01:11:34,278 --> 01:11:36,917 lt's...a fire risk. 915 01:11:36,998 --> 01:11:38,431 No, it's not. 916 01:11:39,918 --> 01:11:41,715 Yes, it is. 917 01:11:44,598 --> 01:11:47,795 See what l mean? You can't be too careful. 918 01:11:48,878 --> 01:11:51,392 Look, there it is, there! 919 01:11:52,478 --> 01:11:54,196 (Geiger counter crackles) 920 01:11:55,278 --> 01:11:58,793 (Geiger counter crackles madly) 921 01:12:02,798 --> 01:12:06,507 Thank you so much. Enjoy the rest of your evening. 922 01:12:13,238 --> 01:12:15,194 (Coughing and choking) 923 01:12:26,878 --> 01:12:29,472 Eddie! What have you been up to?! 924 01:12:29,558 --> 01:12:33,597 l've told you before to never - ever - ever - 925 01:12:33,678 --> 01:12:39,071 service the rooms - till the guests - are fully - awake! 926 01:12:39,158 --> 01:12:40,910 (Eddie) Aaaaaarrrrgh! 927 01:12:43,598 --> 01:12:45,828 l'm so sorry. 928 01:12:45,918 --> 01:12:47,874 You toddle off to bed, 929 01:12:47,958 --> 01:12:51,871 while l make sure that Eddie doesn't trouble you again! 930 01:12:51,958 --> 01:12:54,074 No, no! That won't be necessary. 931 01:12:54,158 --> 01:12:56,513 Just don't disturb us again, please. 932 01:12:56,598 --> 01:12:58,395 We're checking out tomorrow. 933 01:13:00,038 --> 01:13:02,108 (Belches) 934 01:13:05,878 --> 01:13:07,675 Oh, dear... (Farts) 935 01:13:10,358 --> 01:13:12,918 And here it lS! 936 01:13:12,998 --> 01:13:14,590 Hur...rah. 937 01:13:14,678 --> 01:13:17,192 Eddie, all our troubles are over! 938 01:13:17,278 --> 01:13:19,951 - l'm not so sure, Richie! - What? 939 01:13:20,038 --> 01:13:22,996 That fish, where did you get it from? 940 01:13:23,078 --> 01:13:25,273 No one ate any, did they? 941 01:13:25,358 --> 01:13:26,757 Er...no. 942 01:13:26,838 --> 01:13:29,272 Good, because it's highly dangerous. 943 01:13:29,358 --> 01:13:32,316 They must've come from next to the meltdown! 944 01:13:32,398 --> 01:13:35,196 - Shut it! - What is going on? 945 01:13:35,278 --> 01:13:38,236 l don't know where you got that fish, 946 01:13:38,318 --> 01:13:40,878 but this hotel is now highly contaminated! 947 01:13:40,958 --> 01:13:45,429 Thank God no one ate any or you'd be up for murder! 948 01:13:45,518 --> 01:13:50,467 You wanna clear this hotel because this is not the end of this! 949 01:13:50,558 --> 01:13:53,516 This is big trouble if they find out! 950 01:13:53,598 --> 01:13:56,908 Why did you shoot your mouth off like that?! 951 01:13:56,998 --> 01:13:58,875 We better get Z-Squad! 952 01:13:59,838 --> 01:14:01,669 How many guests had fish? 953 01:14:02,758 --> 01:14:04,589 All of them. 954 01:14:04,678 --> 01:14:07,590 Very well, let's pack our bags and SKEDADDLE! 955 01:14:10,198 --> 01:14:12,758 (Belching and liquid rumblings) 956 01:14:12,838 --> 01:14:14,396 (Farting) 957 01:14:17,078 --> 01:14:18,875 What's that noise? 958 01:14:18,958 --> 01:14:20,630 (Door opens) 959 01:14:22,158 --> 01:14:24,752 Oh! Oh, Mr Twat! 960 01:14:24,838 --> 01:14:26,237 What is it? 961 01:14:26,318 --> 01:14:28,957 l feel rather...AUGH! 962 01:14:36,838 --> 01:14:38,191 (Belches) 963 01:14:39,878 --> 01:14:42,233 Oh, Mr Twat, help m... 964 01:14:42,318 --> 01:14:44,957 Get back in your room! 965 01:14:50,878 --> 01:14:53,950 (Crying) Where's my mummy? l want my mummy! 966 01:14:54,038 --> 01:14:55,073 AUGH! 967 01:15:09,638 --> 01:15:11,390 (Whispers) Come on. 968 01:15:11,478 --> 01:15:13,230 (Floor creaking) 969 01:15:19,878 --> 01:15:21,311 Oh, damn. 970 01:15:21,398 --> 01:15:22,797 (Groaning) 971 01:15:27,838 --> 01:15:29,669 (Farts) Oh, God... 972 01:15:29,758 --> 01:15:31,908 Please, my wife's very sick. 973 01:15:37,438 --> 01:15:40,032 - Timothy... - l'm coming, darling. l'm... 974 01:15:49,278 --> 01:15:50,836 (Gasps) What have... 975 01:15:52,878 --> 01:15:54,357 Get me a doc... 976 01:15:57,198 --> 01:15:59,234 For God's sake, get me a... 977 01:16:02,238 --> 01:16:03,956 (Groans) l can't... 978 01:16:06,838 --> 01:16:08,556 Get me a fucking... 979 01:16:11,198 --> 01:16:13,348 (Mumbles) My wife is sick too... 980 01:16:17,438 --> 01:16:18,917 Oh, God... 981 01:16:20,678 --> 01:16:22,509 (Enormous fart) 982 01:16:22,598 --> 01:16:24,111 Oh, my God... 983 01:16:34,518 --> 01:16:36,349 (Liquid rumblings) 984 01:16:37,438 --> 01:16:39,269 (Charlene) lt's coming again... 985 01:16:48,438 --> 01:16:51,077 This...is the time. 986 01:16:52,798 --> 01:16:54,197 BWEURRK! 987 01:16:55,198 --> 01:16:57,837 AUGH! BWEURK! BLEURGH! 988 01:16:57,918 --> 01:17:00,113 BLEURK! GLEURGH! AUGHH! 989 01:17:48,758 --> 01:17:50,077 No! 990 01:17:50,158 --> 01:17:52,797 Oh! l don't have anything to wear! 991 01:17:52,878 --> 01:17:54,630 (Loud whirring) 992 01:17:54,718 --> 01:17:57,073 Oh! That's where it went! Uh! 993 01:17:57,158 --> 01:18:00,594 Come on, Richie, this is no time for dancing! 994 01:18:00,678 --> 01:18:02,191 Let's go! 995 01:18:02,278 --> 01:18:04,587 l...w-w-w-whoo! Oh! 996 01:18:04,678 --> 01:18:05,952 No! 997 01:18:06,038 --> 01:18:07,835 (Dress tears) 998 01:18:07,918 --> 01:18:09,795 (Liquid rumblings) 999 01:18:18,558 --> 01:18:20,389 (Heaving) 1000 01:18:24,838 --> 01:18:26,476 (Door creaks) 1001 01:18:48,918 --> 01:18:52,593 Help! Help! You've got to get me out of here! 1002 01:18:55,398 --> 01:18:57,707 (Gino gags) 1003 01:18:59,318 --> 01:19:00,876 Hey... Stop! 1004 01:19:01,918 --> 01:19:03,874 (Liquid rumblings) 1005 01:19:03,958 --> 01:19:05,277 Arrrrgh... 1006 01:19:06,918 --> 01:19:09,386 (Liquid rumblings) 1007 01:19:10,878 --> 01:19:13,597 Mmmnnnn! 1008 01:19:24,638 --> 01:19:26,788 - Ahhh! - Go! Go! 1009 01:19:29,198 --> 01:19:32,349 (All) Ahhh! 1010 01:19:58,638 --> 01:20:02,916 (Gino) All l wanted was a shaaaaaaag! 1011 01:20:04,678 --> 01:20:07,351 (Buzzing and crackling) 1012 01:20:12,678 --> 01:20:14,396 (Helicopter engines) 1013 01:20:15,638 --> 01:20:17,754 (Geiger counters crackle) 1014 01:20:17,838 --> 01:20:19,874 (Tyres screech and sirens wail) 1015 01:20:28,278 --> 01:20:32,396 You give me that suitcase and l'll give you this one. 1016 01:20:32,478 --> 01:20:34,230 What's in it? 1017 01:20:35,838 --> 01:20:38,033 GBP10 million. 1018 01:20:39,078 --> 01:20:40,477 OK. 1019 01:20:44,518 --> 01:20:48,955 This case contains new identities and passports for you. 1020 01:20:49,038 --> 01:20:52,474 And first class plane tickets to the Caribbean. 1021 01:20:55,678 --> 01:20:57,350 OK... 1022 01:21:01,798 --> 01:21:05,108 Sign here to say you've never lived in England 1023 01:21:05,198 --> 01:21:09,271 or heard the words ''radioactive'' and ''leak'' then you can go. 1024 01:21:09,358 --> 01:21:11,269 Shall we shake? 1025 01:21:13,518 --> 01:21:14,871 l'd rather not. 1026 01:21:52,918 --> 01:21:54,909 You have a very big hat. 1027 01:21:54,998 --> 01:21:58,149 Well, you're a very attractive bird. 1028 01:22:00,118 --> 01:22:01,915 Calm - down - Richie! 1029 01:22:03,878 --> 01:22:06,472 He's got a tight grip on it. 1030 01:22:06,558 --> 01:22:09,630 Candle in the eye! 1031 01:22:09,718 --> 01:22:10,673 Righto. 1032 01:22:11,718 --> 01:22:12,946 Aaaaaarrrggghh! 1033 01:22:21,798 --> 01:22:23,629 (All laugh) 1034 01:22:23,718 --> 01:22:26,516 Thank you for killing my awful boyfriend 1035 01:22:26,598 --> 01:22:28,475 by radioactive fish poisoning. 1036 01:22:28,558 --> 01:22:31,152 How lucky he was the only fatality. 1037 01:22:31,238 --> 01:22:32,557 Yes. 1038 01:22:32,638 --> 01:22:36,631 Otherwise there'd be a moral question mark over our escape. 1039 01:22:36,718 --> 01:22:39,676 l will never be able to repay you. 1040 01:22:39,758 --> 01:22:43,068 Oh, l don't know. lt's my turn, isn't it? 1041 01:22:43,158 --> 01:22:45,194 Yes, of course it is. 71916

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