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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:37,480 Get out! Get out, libidinous swine! 2 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:40,720 Take that whore, strumpet with you! 3 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:43,760 Go rot in the filth of fornication! 4 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:46,480 And what did you say to him? 5 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:52,760 Nothing. I pulled up my tights and jumped out of the privy window. 6 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:56,080 Oh, Edmund, you're SO naughty! 7 00:00:56,120 --> 00:01:01,160 I try, madam. Then, when I've got my breath back, I try again. 8 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:08,120 Perhaps we can turn to more important matters. Must we? I fear so. 9 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:14,600 My old tutor's son has been kidnapped and he begs you to help him pay the ransom. 10 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,080 Edmund. What would YOU say? 11 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:21,120 Well, I have had experience of this dreadful situation. 12 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:26,160 Last year, my aunt begged for help with the ransom of my Uncle Osrick. 13 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:34,600 Yes. I can suggest no better answer Then you know of the pain involved. than the one I gave to her. Yes? 14 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:36,320 Get stuffed! 15 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:42,160 You jest over a young man's life? For young man, read young idiot! 16 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:47,360 Anyone stupid enough to let some moustachioed dago come up to him, 17 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:52,440 say "Excuse me, meester", and hit them over the head deserves it! 18 00:01:55,240 --> 00:02:02,720 You're in good fooling today, sir! Thank you. I heard an amusing story myself the other day... 19 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:04,480 Oh good. 20 00:02:08,479 --> 00:02:10,280 Excuse me, meister! 21 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,520 Yes, what is it? 22 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:18,160 I said, "What is it?", not "Hit me on the head with a... 23 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:23,800 Melchie, I've changed my mind about that Forrest bloke. 24 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:28,680 He's obviously very STUPID but we can't punish him for it, can we? 25 00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:36,120 If we punished people for that, Certainly not, ma'am. Nursie would always be in prison! 26 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,560 A very PIQUANT observation, Majesty! 27 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:46,200 So I WILL sign this ransom. But it must be the last - ABSOLUTELY the last. Final... 28 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,720 ..Full stop. Never again... 29 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:52,079 ..Cross my heart and hope to die. 30 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,480 Not "hope to die", Majesty? 31 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,520 Er... All right. I'll cross it out. 32 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:01,440 Erm... Here you are. Sorry about the smudge! 33 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:03,600 Thank you, ma'am! 34 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,720 Excuse me, meister. Yes? 35 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:16,720 Oh no! Oh God! What on earth was I drinking last night? 36 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:22,720 My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it. 37 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,680 Where am I? 38 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,520 O-o-oh! Who's that? 39 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:32,040 It is I, Melchett. Melchett! 40 00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:37,240 You really should clean this house of yours. It's a real mess! 41 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:45,280 It's no time for jokes, Blackadder! We've been kidnapped! Oh God! How incredibly embarrassing! 42 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:51,600 As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport! 43 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:55,360 Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha haa! Oh God! Who's that? 44 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:58,520 Ti preparo para la interrogazione suplicio! 45 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:03,440 If anyone's going to be spoken to, it's gonna be me! Tell him, Melchie! 46 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:07,120 Certainly! Parlo con lui, no mi! Parlo con lui! 47 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:12,640 Ah bueno, el jefe! Ti preparo para la interrogazione suplicio! 48 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:17,160 Ah, that's better. Now, what's he saying? 49 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:22,079 He says he would like a word with you. A-ha! Anything else? 50 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:26,160 He says he would like to torture you, as well. 51 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:31,720 Are you, by any chance, a dignitary of the Spanish Inquisition? 52 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:34,400 Te gustara mucho la inquisicion! 53 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:38,920 Good. Because if you are, I wish to make it quite clear 54 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:43,760 that I am prepared to tell you absolutely anything! 55 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,280 No habla, puerco! 56 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,560 No speako dago. 57 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:55,960 I demand to see the British ambassador. Understand? 58 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,480 Necesito silencio para comenzar. 59 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:04,520 How...can...you...question...me... if...you...don't...speak...English? 60 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,560 No. YO pregunto las cuestiones! 61 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:10,240 OK. Let's start with the basics. 62 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:16,760 English is a non-inflected, Indo-European language derived from dialects... 63 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,200 HOWZAT?! 64 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,880 Percy. Who's queen? 65 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,240 Whoops! Butterfingers! 66 00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:32,320 Ah! So I win again! Yes. Well done, Your Majesty! 67 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:38,760 ..And there's no sign of Edmund? I fear not, Ma'am. He's vanished! 68 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,800 Simply vanished. 69 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:44,159 WISTFULLY: Like an old oak table. 70 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:50,840 VANISHED, Lord Percy. Not VARnished. 71 00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:56,760 Forgive me, my lady. My uncle Bertram's old oak table vanished. 72 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:00,400 'Twas the night of the Great Stepney Fire. 73 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:06,880 That terrible night his house and all his things completely vanished too. 74 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,040 So did he, in fact! 75 00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:12,080 'Twas a most perplexing mystery... 76 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,120 Lord Percy! Yes? 77 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,200 It's up to you... 78 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:18,480 ..either you can shut up - 79 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:22,320 or you can have your head cut off. 80 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,840 ..I'll shut up. 81 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:36,120 Bastardo! 82 00:06:36,159 --> 00:06:38,120 Bath..tar...do... 83 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,440 Barrister? 84 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:42,960 Bastardo! 85 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,640 Embarrassing? 86 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:47,320 You're embarrassing? I'M embarrassing? 87 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,159 A...a rogering! 88 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:51,560 Pregnant! 89 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,000 Baby! 90 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:56,640 Bathwater! 91 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:01,640 Sounds like... BASTARD! Si! Oh, bastard! 92 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,520 No es terminado! Ah. 93 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:06,560 Hijo! 94 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,400 Hijo! 95 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,040 Donkey! 96 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:15,840 Padre...e hijo! Big bastard... Little bastard? 97 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:18,880 PADRE... Man? ..hijo. Boy? Son! 98 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,600 I'm a bastard's son! 99 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:24,280 Di perra. PANTS LIKE A DOG. 100 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:25,840 Thirsty bastard! 101 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:29,680 HE BARKS Thirsty barking bastard! 102 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,720 Oh - dog! 103 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:34,760 Woman! 104 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,120 Dog! 105 00:07:36,159 --> 00:07:37,920 Dog...bitch! 106 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,640 I'm a bastard son of a bitch! Si! 107 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:50,159 In that case, YOU are a fornicating baboon! 108 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:51,840 Que? 109 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:56,280 Oh dear! Y-YOU... 110 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,040 Tu... Tu! Oh - yo! Yes, yo... 111 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:00,880 .. a fornicating... 112 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:03,920 I can't really do it in this box! 113 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:09,360 Tuos testiculos... 114 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:12,400 My er...those...yes. 115 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:15,040 ..sobre un fuego grande. 116 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:18,080 Over a large...? Fuego, fuego! 117 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:19,920 Fire! Right! 118 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,760 So, let's recap - 119 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:25,200 If I admit that I'm in love... No! No! 120 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,240 Sorry - head over heels in love... 121 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:33,159 ..with Satan and all his little... wizards. 122 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:38,159 Then you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument... 123 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,000 Una guadana! 124 00:08:40,039 --> 00:08:43,039 ..resembling a gardening tool... 125 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:47,080 ..and roast them over a large fire. Si! Si! 126 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,960 Whereas if I DON'T admit... 127 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:54,600 ..that I am in love with Satan and all his little wizards, 128 00:08:54,640 --> 00:09:00,640 you will hold me upside down, in a vat of warm marmalade. 129 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:02,680 Y... 130 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:04,200 AND... 131 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:08,000 ..remove my testicles with a blunt instrument. 132 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:11,440 I see. Well, in that case... 133 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,280 ..I love Satan. 134 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,160 Oh ho! 135 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,200 Oh, it's a SCYTHE! 136 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,960 I don't know. I've looked everywhere! 137 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:33,840 Perhaps... they're...not...hiding...at all. 138 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:38,400 Perhaps...they've been...KIDNAPPED! 139 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:40,040 Nonsense! 140 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:44,200 As Edmund said, only real idiots get kidnapped! 141 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,080 Do they? 142 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:47,960 Stop! 143 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,360 AAAGH! 144 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:58,440 GERMAN ACCENT: Forgive me, Herr Blackadder. I have been neglecting my duties as a host. 145 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:02,800 Please accept my apple-ogies. 146 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:11,240 I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode! 147 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,640 I hope this SCUM... 148 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,080 HE WHIMPERS 149 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:18,360 ..has not inconweenienced you. 150 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:23,240 A maniac trying to cut off my goolies won't inconweenience me(!) 151 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:29,360 If he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue! 152 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:36,680 Sir. If he had inconweenienced me, you would not have a tongue to make this offer with! 153 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:41,600 If I no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer, 154 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:46,640 YOU would not have a tongue to say that if I had inconweenienced you... 155 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:51,120 ..I would not have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue! 156 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:53,760 Yes, well. Enough of this banter. 157 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:57,200 Who the hell are you, Sausage Breath? 158 00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:03,640 You do not remember me then? I don't think I've had the pleasure. 159 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:08,960 Oh yes! We have met many times. But you knew me by another name! 160 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:14,720 Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto, 161 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:22,280 with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game, at an old piss-hole in Dover? My God! 162 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,960 Yes! I was the waitress! 163 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:31,080 I don't believe it! YOU?! Big Sally? 164 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:35,440 SQUEAKY VOICE: Will you have another piece of pie, my lord? 165 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,480 But I went to bed with you, didn't I? 166 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:44,280 For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice! 167 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:47,880 Yes, but I'm not. I must have been paralytic! 168 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:52,720 Indeed - Mr Floppy! Yes, all right! 169 00:11:52,760 --> 00:12:00,640 Very funny. Now, would you mind... SQUEAKY VOICE: Such a disappointment for a girl... Yes, very funny... 170 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:06,880 "We'll try again in a few minutes. Look at some naughty parchments!" 171 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:10,920 Aren't we proud of our comic serving-wench voice(!) 172 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:18,920 Essential at all social gatherings - the tedious little turd who puts on amusing voices! QUIET! 173 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:23,800 What else is in your inventive repertoire? Drunk Glaswegian? 174 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:29,840 Hilarious black man? See you, Jimmy! Where am dat warty-melon? 175 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:34,760 Oh fabulous! I can't wait to see your side-splitting puff, 176 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:39,160 and that funny croaky one that is such a scream! 177 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:44,800 But best of all is the fat-headed German chamberpot in front of me! 178 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:49,240 You talk too much, Blackadder! 179 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:53,880 I think it's a case of werbal diarreeree that you're having! 180 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:58,800 I have given the Queen only a week to reply to my ransom demand. 181 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:03,120 Unless she pays up, you die - howibly! 182 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:09,280 She will pay up! And then within a week, YOU die - howibly howibly! 183 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:11,440 You find yourself amusing! 184 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,800 Why deny public opinion? 185 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:18,680 I think that in a week from now, you won't be so amusing! 186 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:20,960 At least I CAN be amusing! 187 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:25,640 Choose your next witticism well - it may be your last! 188 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,560 Guards! Fetch his friend. 189 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,040 GUARDS: Eins zwei, eins zwei! 190 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,080 Please! No! No! 191 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:33,160 O-oh! 192 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:38,720 We meet again! 193 00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:44,480 I don't think... You don't recognise me? No. 194 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,000 Let me refresh your memory! 195 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:52,000 When you were in Cornwall, there was a shepherd who you used to talk to. 196 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,840 Good lord! Timkins? 197 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,640 Yes! I was one of his sheep! 198 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:01,080 Sheep? Not... Yes! 199 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:03,520 Flossie? But didn't we...? YES, 200 00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:06,000 Melchett! 201 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:09,440 Baaaa! Oh my God! 202 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:18,720 But enough of such pleasant reminiscences, eh? The guard has found an interesting document. 203 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:22,480 Oh, I shouldn't pay much attention to that... 204 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:30,360 The kveen says she will pay a ransom but it must be the last - ABSOLUTELY the last. Final. Full stop. 205 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:35,720 Cross my heart and hope to be spanked until my bottom goes purple. 206 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,160 She has a difficult choice ahead. 207 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:43,760 Not really! Bad luck, Melchers! Still - life, overrated, I reckon! 208 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:47,440 Gentlemen, excuse me. I have work to do. 209 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:51,280 Evil plots don't make themselves you know! 210 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,560 Ha ha ha ha! 211 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,000 Ha ha ha ha! 212 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,520 "Dear Kveen... 213 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:02,040 "I, evil Prince Ludwig the Indestructible, 214 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,240 "have your two friends. 215 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:08,520 "And you must SHOES between them. 216 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:11,280 "The ransom is one million kroner. 217 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:17,480 "Many, many...apple-ogies for the inconweenience." 218 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:20,400 Goodness! What a difficult choice! 219 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:27,640 It isn't the first time, my little tadpole! That's true. In the old days, it was ALL difficult choices! 220 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:32,560 Should you have nursie milk or moo-cow? It was always nursie milk! 221 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:36,280 But then, left breasty or right breasty? 222 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:40,920 Of course, it was always both! But then which one first? 223 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,120 Shut up, Nursie! 224 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:47,520 Curses! Oh! This is very confusing! 225 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:52,680 Lord Percy! Play a while to calm my spirits. 226 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:54,960 Certainly, Ma'am. 227 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,360 Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man, 228 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:05,000 Ha! You're it! Ring-a-ring-a-rosie! All fall down! 229 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:11,040 What say you I sing a song to keep our spirits up? 230 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:15,720 It depends whether you want the slop bucket over your head! 231 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:18,640 Perhaps some pleasant word game? 232 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:20,240 All right. 233 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:23,160 Make a sentence from the following - 234 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:26,600 face, sodding, your, shut. 235 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,520 For God's sake, man! 236 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:36,560 We must relieve our minds of the terrible fate that awaits us! 237 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:40,120 Awaits YOU, not me! How's my beard looking? 238 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:44,360 Alas, shall I never see England more? 239 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:48,480 Her rolling fields, her swooping swallows... 240 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:50,440 Her playful sheep. 241 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:55,560 DOOR OPENS About time too! 242 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,240 Gentlemen! The answer has arrived! 243 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,600 Thank God! I'm sick of this! 244 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:04,960 The conditions are just disgraceful! Why, it's like a prison! 245 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,560 I shall read it! 246 00:17:06,599 --> 00:17:10,680 Typical criminal - loves the sound of his own voice! 247 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:16,560 "After careful thought, the queen has decided to expend the ransom money on..." 248 00:17:16,599 --> 00:17:19,040 ..a big party. 249 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:25,319 JUST impossible to decide between my two faves, 250 00:17:25,359 --> 00:17:28,880 so I've decided to keep the cash, 251 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:32,360 have a wizard jolly time, 252 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:35,000 and try to forget both of you. 253 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,720 Hope you're not too miffed. 254 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,400 Bye-ee! 255 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,000 What? 256 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:47,600 "Hope you're not too miffed. Bye-ee." 257 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:52,280 As you can imagine, my friends, this makes me very unhappy. 258 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:54,920 Oh, I AM sorry(!) 259 00:17:54,960 --> 00:18:00,520 But if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to gain access to your queen... 260 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:04,400 I might commute your deaths to a life sentence! 261 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,920 Are you suggesting we betray her? 262 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:10,200 Oh yes! 263 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,440 All right! 264 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:17,560 What are you saying? What of loyalty, honour, self-respect? 265 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,800 What of them? 266 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:22,200 Nothing. 267 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:25,720 So you will both play ball? BOTH: Yep! 268 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:31,880 Oh what joy! See how you collapse before me! 269 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:34,480 You incorruptible English nobs! 270 00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:37,520 So proud of your stiff upper lips! 271 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:43,120 Gloating is a sign of insecurity! Do you want to get to the Queen? 272 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:45,720 Yes. I thought a disguise! 273 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:48,720 I do a very good Mary Queen of Scots! 274 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:54,000 Hoots mon! Where's ma heed? 275 00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:58,200 What sort of party should it be? 276 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:02,840 Oh...fancy dress. I love fancy dress! 277 00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,120 Nursie? 278 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:11,080 I think it should be one of those where everybody comes with nothing on at all. 279 00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,840 Shut up, then! 280 00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:16,040 I agree, Acting Lord Chamberlain! 281 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:21,240 If we're to forget our woes, we should have as much fun as possible! 282 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:29,160 And what could be more fun than dressing as frogs, rabbits and nuns! And bits of wood! 283 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:32,760 You're not going to come as a bit of wood! 284 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,920 Aren't I? No! 285 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:38,640 How about a pencil? Should I come as a pencil? 286 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:45,080 Don't be silly. You always talk like this and you always come as the same thing! 287 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:48,120 Do I? Yes. You know... Everybo... 288 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,040 Lassie! 289 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:55,400 What does Nursie always come to fancy dress parties dressed as? 290 00:19:55,440 --> 00:20:00,320 I thought everybody knew. Everybody except Nursie. Tell her! 291 00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:03,160 She always comes as a cow. 292 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:06,320 That's right - a lovely, lovely cow, 293 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:09,000 with great big lovely udders! 294 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,520 Swinging around going moooo! 295 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:16,120 Come to Nursie cow, you lovely heifers! What fun! 296 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,080 Can I be a cow again, PLEASE? 297 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:23,560 Oh shut up! Isn't Nursie stupid? She certainly is, ma'am! 298 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,240 You see! 299 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:30,280 We're having a good time already! 300 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:35,480 We've completely forgotten about those chaps in prison, haven't we? 301 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,440 What chaps? 302 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:49,120 GUARDS: Eins zwei, eins zwei. DOOR OPENS 303 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:54,440 My friends, I bid you farewell. 304 00:20:54,480 --> 00:21:00,120 These guards will die of old age. Their sons will attend to your needs! 305 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:03,200 Thank you, but we intend to escape! 306 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:08,040 With your information, I intend to bring down your queen and country. 307 00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:13,160 The master of disguise will become the master of the world! Ha ha ha ha! 308 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:16,240 One thing before you go! What? 309 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:18,520 Were you bullied at school? 310 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,200 What do you mean? 311 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:25,120 All this ranting and raving about power. 312 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:31,400 Nonsense! At my school, dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity. 313 00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:37,120 I thought so! And your mother had you in shorts till your final year! 314 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:38,880 SHUT UP! 315 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:45,960 When I am King of England, no-one will ever dare call me "Shorty Greasy Spot Spot" again! 316 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:50,120 Touched a nerve there, I think! 317 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,960 What good is it if we're doomed to die here?! 318 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,640 Don't worry. I've got a plan! Yes? 319 00:21:56,680 --> 00:22:03,840 Now that Ludwig's gone, we'll be able to overcome the guards. I've been watching their routine. 320 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:09,000 The moment when they are most vulnerable is when we will attack! 321 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:13,120 Brilliant! How? That is the most cunning bit! 322 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:18,520 Eins zwei, eins zwei, eins zwei... 323 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:24,480 This is it! Don't forget - when they're at their most vulnerable! 324 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:27,360 ..zwei. Halt! Jingle the keys! 325 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:30,800 JINGLE OF KEYS Open the door! 326 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:34,240 Greetings to the prisoners! 327 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:39,000 Guten Abend, Englander scum! 328 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:41,880 March to the table! Eins... 329 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:43,720 ..zwei, eins zwei, eins... 330 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:48,480 ..zwei, eins zwei, eins zwei, eins zwei, eins zwei. Halt! 331 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:50,680 Food on ze table! 332 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:52,280 Eins zwei! 333 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,480 Spit on ze food! 334 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:56,000 Eins zwei! 335 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:59,760 Insulting farewell gesture to the prisoners! 336 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,920 Eins zwei, eins zwei. 337 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,440 NOW! Oooooh! 338 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,760 Trust me to get the hard one! 339 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:19,440 Yo-ho-ho! Off with their heads! 340 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:22,960 Ma'am, it is BRILLIANT! 341 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,800 Your father is born again! 342 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:30,400 I should bally well hope not! Or else I won't be queen any more! 343 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:34,200 Yours is pretty good too. What is it? 344 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:38,480 Nothing, Ma'am! Just a mere trifle I threw together. 345 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:40,840 Doesn't look much like a trifle! 346 00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:43,760 Looks more like a fruit salad to me! 347 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:48,480 Nursie's really excelled herself! 348 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:50,440 Moooo! 349 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:53,640 Yes. She has! 350 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:56,680 Hmm. I'm not sure about this though! 351 00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:59,400 What are you meant to be? 352 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:01,440 A pencil case. 353 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:07,640 Yes! 354 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:11,920 Oh! It's just like parties I had when I was tiny! 355 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:14,640 We had tea and cakes and venison. 356 00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:19,440 Then a trip with a couple of friends to the executions! How sweet! 357 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:22,960 If I wanted any of my friends executed! 358 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:26,720 Oh! How I do wish Edmund could be here! 359 00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,400 He always loved parties. 360 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:33,520 And always, always wore very, very tight tights. 361 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:38,040 Edmund who? 362 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,920 Edmund Blackadder! Majesty! Oh! 363 00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:44,960 Edmund! But... Did you ever know me to miss a party? Oh! 364 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,160 And Lord Melchett? 365 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:50,560 Yes. Unfortunately, Ma'am, he made it too. 366 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:52,000 Rapture! 367 00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:57,280 Joy beyond measure! Bliss which cannot be counted on one's fingers! 368 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,560 Baaaaa! 369 00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:05,400 Sorry, Edmund? 370 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,160 Nothing. 371 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:09,560 Yes, ahem... 372 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:15,760 Apart from my nose getting a little prettier, nothing much has changed. 373 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:23,120 Your animal isn't house-trained, Percy's unemployed and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle! 374 00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:24,560 Mooooo! 375 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:27,960 Thank you for reminding me! Ha! Aagh! 376 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:31,280 Nursie! You've killed Nursie! 377 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:33,440 That's horrid! 378 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:37,840 Guards! Take him and execute him! He's killed Nursie! 379 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:41,160 Can anyone help me with my udders? 380 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:43,000 Nursie! Yes. 381 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:47,480 Yes! And may I introduce our erstwhile captor - 382 00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:50,080 Prince Ludwig the Indestructible! 383 00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:54,840 Ah! Queen Elizabeth! We meet again! 384 00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,680 No, I don't think so actually. 385 00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:05,680 You remember when you were young and your father used to take you riding on a magnificent grey pony, 386 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:10,160 that you used to kiss and fondle in the stable yard? Yes, yes! 387 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:15,720 I was the tall and attractive German stable lad who held him. 388 00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:17,240 No! Yes! 389 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:18,600 You? 390 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:21,000 Shorty Greasy Spot Spot?! No! 391 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:23,800 No, no, no! 392 00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:28,640 You will all of you regret the day that you ever mocked my complexion! 393 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:33,200 I shall return and vreak my rewengee! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! 394 00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:37,360 No you won't. You will die and be buried! 395 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:39,480 ALL: Hooray! 396 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:41,520 Strange man! 397 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:47,960 But how did you know it was him? It was the information which saved our lives. 398 00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:53,600 We said if the Queen was having a party, Nursie always goes as a cow. 399 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:59,000 From then on, he was doomed. We only had to escape and kill the cow. 400 00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:02,200 How could you know it wasn't Nursie? 401 00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:06,240 Because, lady, Ludwig was a master of disguise. 402 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:10,920 Whereas Nursie is a sad, insane old woman with an udder fixation! 403 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:16,240 All we had to do, was kill the one that looked like the cow! 404 00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:22,000 That was the mistake I knew he would make. His disguise was too good! 405 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:25,800 Gosh Edmund! How brilliant! Welcome home! 406 00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:27,880 It's good to be back! 407 00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:31,440 Welcome Edmund! Did you...miss me? 408 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,280 I certainly did! 409 00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:37,960 Many was the time I said to myself, "I wish Percy was here...!" Oh! 410 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:41,320 "..being tortured instead of me!" 411 00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:44,120 Oh, we have missed your wit! 412 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,160 D'you miss me, my lord? 413 00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:49,960 Erm... Baldrick, is it? That's right. 414 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:52,840 No, not really. 415 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:55,000 And me? 416 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:57,640 Did you miss me, Edmund? 417 00:27:57,680 --> 00:28:03,640 Madam. Life without you is like a broken pencil. 418 00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:05,760 Explain. 419 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,400 Pointless. 420 00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:13,160 # Beware all evil lust for fame 421 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:17,080 # The path of life is most uncertain 422 00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:20,400 # Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game 423 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:23,880 # But now the Kraut's gone for a burton 424 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:27,520 # Blackadder, Blackadder 425 00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:30,720 # He beats the Hun by luck 426 00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:34,520 # Blackadder, Blackadder 427 00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:38,000 # He's smarter than a duck 428 00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:41,600 # Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett 429 00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:44,920 # Intelligent and deep 430 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:48,480 # Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett 431 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:52,880 # A shame about the sheep. # 432 00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:11,400 LUDWIG: Ha ha ha! Now this is a disguise I'm really going to enjoy! 40580

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