All language subtitles for Veep-106

( theme music playing )

Dan: The whole Chick-fil-A
narrative is just...

I mean, if I may, sir, it's...

It's food-nomenal.
Really. It really is.

With that construction
outside, man,

I was stuck in traffic for two hours.

My bladder was like a fuckin' blimp.

You should maybe talk some more
to the food manufacturing guys

- and the health advisors.
- Yeah.

Come on, ma'am, just some small talk.
Even tiny talk will do.

Yeah, I know. I'm gonna do it.

God, what a waste of a morning.

If you ever want me to confess,
don't rip out my fingernails,

just make me eat like a
vegan for a fuckin' week.

The VP look like she's about
ready to open up a vein.

You okay?

- You seem to be phoning it in a little.
- You know what, Amy?

I'm the veep I never wanted to be.

I'm talking salad wraps and body
mass index to these idiots.

- You should really just go and...
- Yeah, I know.

Feel my soul slide out of my ass.

All right, here. You take that.

I'm building up the energy right now.

This smells like the inside
of a taxi cab.

- Hi, guys. Hello.
- Hello.

Not too much longer.
We'll get the group shot taken

- and then you guys can get moving.
- Awesome!

What a productive morning.

Can you envision selling
some of these items

- at any of your stores, you think?
- Oh, sure.

- Yeah. Wraps maybe.
- Yeah, wraps.

Grapes. I mean, grapes are always good.

Grapes are...
hey, you can't beat grapes.

Those yellow things look... so...

Well, I'll tell you it's all local

- and it's all organic.
- Oh, wow.

- Orgasmic's more like it, right?
- Oh.

I'll have some of what you're having.
( mock laugh )

- Do you have a zoom on that thing?
- Oh, Ken, you know what?

We don't have to have pictures taken
here, right now, okay?

- Sorry.
-Oh, no it's fine.

You back to DC tonight, Gary?

Yeah, I'm leaving a little bit earlier.

- My dad is having his birthday dinner.
- Nice.

He has very little
respect for my job.

He actually much rather
me work here.

- In catering?
- No, a baseball stadium.

A man's man, a jock. Rarrrh!
One of those guys.

- Wow, that's gotta be tough.
- Yeah, tell me about it.

I meant for him.

- Jesus.
- Okay, you know what, Ken?

- Not so close, okay?
- Okay.

Nobody needs to know which of my
eyebrow hairs needs to be plucked.

- ( laughs )
- Sorry.

What's going on with this group shot?
What's the delay?

It's not much longer, ma'am.
Just keep smiling.

Turn that frown... ( clicks tongue )
upside-down. ( laughs )

- Okay.
- Okay.

Do you see that
he keeps touching me?

- Yeah, I've noticed.
- And his hands are really small.

It's his feely, little, touchy,
hot hands.

Someone needs to tell him
that he's working

with the White House
and not "Penthouse."

Hey, can I talk to you
privately just for a second?

Okay.

The whole thing that you guys have
done with Krispy Kreme is just...

if I may,
it's food-nomenal, really.

So you know that I've been
seeing Ted, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- A while ago,

a lot of wine was drunk
and Springsteen was listened to

and things got a little bit out of hand.

You stole a car?

We had unprotected sex,

- and I think I might be pregnant.
- Oh...

It's a possibility, Amy.

I haven't reached
menopause yet, you know.

I'm not barren. I know it's unlikely.

I could probably have
unprotected sex with 30 men,

one right after the other,
and it would be totally fine.

I mean, no, it wouldn't be totally fine.
I mean, that would be a horrible thing.

I'm not doubting
your fertility, ma'am,

but an unwed mother

one aneurism away
from the presidency?

How do you think that plays?

The bag has got
one big storage area

and then there are 60 separate
pockets within the area.

- Wow!
- Right?

- That is a lot to remember, Gary.
- I know, I know.

But can you do it without looking?

Try me.

Eye drops.

Men: Ooh!

- Wipes.
- Scented, unscented?

Scented.

- Bam!
- Wow!

- Knock it... ( mimics explosion )
- That's unbelievable.

I hope I'm not pregnant,
because, fuck, if I am,

I'm just finished, you know?

- Ma'am.
- ( laughs ) Let's get moving!

- You know you'll have to keep it.
- I know.

Unless we go on some sort of
special vacation to Mexico and...

kill the doctor in the desert.

Father know?

What, are you kidding me?
What am I, 15?

- I mean Ted.
- Oh, shit. No.

No. I'm still working on that one.

- What are you shooting with?
- This is a 5 D.

- Not a 1 D?
- No.

Why would I need a 1 D to shoot this?

I have a 1 D.

It's more expensive,
but it's a really nice camera.

You shoot a lot of sports?
Moving action?

You take hundreds of pictures
of herons catching fish?

Because otherwise
you don't need a 1 D.

- Right, but I have a 1 D.
- Yeah.

Hey, will you do me a favor?
Can you get me a real coffee

instead of this fucking beige
paint they're serving, okay?

Grande skinny latte, extra shot,
and a dash of cinnamon?

- Yeah.
- Can I get some of the...?

This is what we're gonna do...
Photos with the nutritionists,

hang with the players,
over to the school

then we pregnancy test you to fuck.

Listen, will you get the tests on
the way to the school, please?

Absolutely.
I'm heading there right now.

Obviously this is in
our little circle of two.

- Obviously.
- Yeah.

( cell phone chiming )

Mike: Hey, Jonah. How's the weather
up there in your asshole?

Oh ho. That's cute, Mike.
How's it going?

Good, good. Just going over
my notes for the press briefing.

Hey, did you get those
local business initiatives

- I sent over from the president?
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Looking at them right now.
Thank you. They're very helpful.

Oh, good. I'm glad you're right on top
of that. I can see you, Mike.

What? Oh.

- ( laughs ) This is awesome!
- You know what, Mike?

One day you're gonna wake up
and you're gonna find

your lungs have turned to pastry.

Gotta go, Jonah.
Got incoming.

- Mike.
- Amy, what's up?

Selina might be pregnant.
What do we wanna do?

Is this for real?

'Cause if it is, the best
thing for her legacy

is if she's assassinated
before she starts showing.

It's not definite. She still needs
to take some tests.

Okay. I'll guess I'll just add
this to the press release.

People can start taking bets.

You know that this needs
to be way under the lid.

- Bye.
- All good?

Absolutely.

It's gonna knock the socks
off of some seven-year-olds.

Dad, dad, I like beer.

That was because I cut my lip
trying to open the bottle.

I just can't open it the way you do.

Listen, the veep and I are gonna have
our photo taken

with the Orioles players.
Huh? ( chuckles )

Yeah, I can get you one.

Shit, yeah. Shit, yeah.

Where the fuck is coffee?

So that whole stadium day was like
a networking orgy for you, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Business card bukkake.

You know, you should get
something while we're here...

Razor blades, a large
amount of pain killers.

Holy sh... Are you pregnant?

Amy, come on, career-wise,
that's like joining scientology

or getting a fucking neck tattoo.

Thanks for the support.

So I guess you're gonna be
needing maternity leave.

I'd be the obvious choice
for your replacement.

That is literally your first thought?

No. My first thought was,
"there goes your figure,"

but I didn't say that because I
thought it would be upsetting.

Thanks. You know, if it's a boy,
maybe I'll name him after you.

Call him fuck weasel.

Ken, is this where I should be?

- Don't be too clustered.
- Yeah, don't be too clustered.

Thank you. I got it. So if
you could just move a little bit...

- A bit so we're not all on one side.
- So we're not on one side.

- Selina: Can you see everybody?
- I think they heard me.

Yes, how about one where
we say "let's get moving"?

- Let's get moving!
- ( camera clicking )

All right, how about another one?
Another where we say "awesome avocado!"

- Awesome avocado!
- Yes, that was great.

All right! Thank you for your patience.

- Thank you so much for being here.
- Ma'am.

- It sure... yes? Yes?
- Gentlemen.

Construction hit a gas main.
There's a serious leak.

Everybody must stay in here
until it's made safe.

- ( all groaning )
- Sorry.

Because of the danger, we need everybody
to stay in the room. We'll update you.

Listen, uh, but I can
get out of here, right?

Probably in about an hour.

- An hour?
- Yes, ma'am.

Woman: We're so excited about

- the vice president's visit.
- Oh, we're very excited, too.

Amy's practically having a baby
about it. Isn't that right?

Well, the children are waiting.
Right this way.

Hey, kids. Good afternoon.
Kids: Good afternoon.

My name is Dan, this is Amy.
And we work for the vice president

of the United States of America.

- Kids: Yay.
- Pretty cool, right? Yeah.

- Yeah, my man right here.
- My dad works in the state department.

Really? What position?

- Trade policy executive.
- So he knows Roger Aldrige?

Uh, I don't know.

Are you networking
with an eight-year-old?

- Yeah.
- ( cell phone ringing )

So...

Hold on one second, chief.

- Problem?
- There's a gas main leak.

Selina's gonna be delayed
at least an hour.

These kids are gonna go berserk
if they have to wait that long.

We have to keep them entertained.

"Lion King" DVD
and two shots of ritalin.

- You'll be such a great dad.
- That's how I was raised.

All right, shall we, gentlemen?

Sean, why don't we start
with your question

before you get the DTs and you
can't write in your notebook.

Sean: Can you brief
on the new health initiative?

- Are you its poster boy, Mikey?
- ( both laugh )

Actually, though, great question.

You know, we were on
the campaign trail

and we saw a woman
with a very large boy.

And the vice president
turned to me and said,

"I'd like to free that boy
from the prison of obesity."

Anybody else?

Leon West, Washington Post.

A source tells me
that the VP shit-canned

a secret service agent
just for smiling at her.

Can you give me a yes
or no on that, please?

I believe he was reassigned
because of his cologne.

- ( men laugh )
- Mike: It was Paco Rabanne.

I mean, this is not the 80's anymore,
right? Nobody wears that stuff.

Sean might. You'd probably rather drink
it, though. Right, Sean?

That's necessary.
Thank you, yes.

- Mike: I've seen you.
- Sean: I'm a drunk.

Okay, every which way but douche,

I want you to answer my question now.

I believe you asked a boring question,
Leon, and I gave a boring answer.

- That's like carbon offsetting.
- ( men laughing )

Mike, I wouldn't be smiling.
You might lose your job.

You understand my point? You don't
find it repugnant that Selina Meyer

let a secret service agent
go for smiling?

Repugnant? You're calling
the vice president repugnant?

That's a very emotive term, sir,
and a little prissy, I might add.

I spent a night in jail when I was 19
once. That was more fun than this.

Well, if we get trapped here another
minute, I'm gonna kill you and eat you,

because I will not eat
another fuckin' falafel.

- ( camera clicking )
Hey, Jimmy fuckin' Olsen,

get lost before I shove
that thing up your ass

and give you another kind
of red eye to worry about.

Okay.

What is going on
out there with those two?

- Do you know?
- Yeah, he's all pissed off.

They've been complaining all day
about the event and the food.

- Oh.
- I overhear stuff as I move around.

Plus, I can lip-read.

- You can lip-read?
- Yeah.

( mouthing words )

Yes, I can tell
what are you saying now.

Could you lip-read earlier

when I was talking
about you to Amy?

- No.
- Oh, that's too bad. It was all good.

- Thank you.
- Oh, sure.

Amy. Amy.

God, that is a lot of snot.

Hey, can I have my pen back?

Mike, hi. Thank you.

I just wanna warn you, on top of
everything else... smile story.

Can I get the pen cap, too?
This came with a pen cap.

- ( school bell ringing )
- What the hell is going on over there?

- Are you listening?
- Yes, yes. Story. What...?

The pen cap. Where was the pen...
Did you put it in your mouth?

Okay, I just wanna give you
a heads-up, all right?

It's out there.
They're saying she's repugnant.

( kids chattering )

( sighs )
Oh, my God.

- Hi.
- I just had a phone call from Mike.

He said that the press
is saying you are pregnant.

-He's saying it's out.
- ( sighs )

No, it can't be. What are you
talking about? Nobody knows.

He said that Leon West
said that you're pregnant.

Holy f... uck.

Ugh, I can't move my lips.

Okay, I'm going
because Gary's calling.

Don't tell Gary.

No, Amy, they're not
gonna let me through.

I'm running out of time here.
My dad needs a picture.

Okay, I need you to get
a pregnancy test for the veep.

Oh, my... oh, my God.

- That's kind of exciting.
- No, no. Shh, shh.

I can carry the baby around in a
little sling or something like that.

Oh, my... oh, wait, this is bad
because she's not married, right?

Indeed, and this is
strictly need-to-know.

What kind of test do I get?
Are there different kinds of tests?

Like, how do I break it down?
What do I get?

I've only got one, so you need to
get as many as you can find, okay?

We need to be sure, okay?

- We need to shock-and-awe this thing.
- Okay.

Hey. So what's the intel on the baby?

( laughs )
Intel.

Copy that.
Security clearance denied.

Is Jonah the dad?

Is that why you look like you
wanna drink a bottle of drano?

I don't blame you.
That's gonna be a long labor.

They're gonna be pulling that
kid out of you in shifts.

- Jonah?
- Yes, ma'am.

We gotta get rid of this whole
prison-yard-vibe feeling.

We gotta do something.

Well, we have to stay
within the stadium,

but we could invite the guys down
to meet the Orioles players.

Okay, that's exactly
what we gonna do.

I forgot to find out
something about the players.

- I don't know what to say to them.
- I can help you along.

- Oh, you know about baseball?
- I do, yeah.

- You can be my Gary?
- Yeah, yeah.

- I'll be the adult version of Gary.
- Okay.

- Selina: Jonah, can you see me?
- Uh, yeah. Give me their numbers.

- I'll go off that.
- Hold on. Let me see.

- 34.
- Jake Arrieta. He's a starting pitcher.

On his left is number 39, Tommy Hunter.
He's a starting pitcher.

- Wait, he's the starting pitcher?
- Yes.

The next gentleman...
Oh, that's Jim Palmer.

He's a hall-of-famer. That guy's a
legend. He's a starting pitcher as well.

You don't have multiple
starting pitchers.

There's one pitcher's mound.
You see one mound or three mounds?

- I see one mound.
- That's how you play baseball.

They don't pitch
on the same day.

You don't have any idea
what you're talking about.

Fuckin' idiot. Hello! Hi!

- Honor to meet you, ma'am.
- And you are Jake.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, how nice.

- And you're the starting pitcher.
- One of them. Yes, ma'am.

Okay. Wonderful.

- So you must be Tommy.
- I am. I am.

- Um, are you a starting pitcher?
- I am, I am, I am.

You are a starting... ahem.

Gary: Hello, dad.
I'm still at the stadium.

( laughs ) Yeah, yeah.
I'm with the team... my playas.

I will get you that pic, man.

Boom shaka laka.
( laughs )

That's how they talk.

Okay.

Are these all the
pregnancy tests you have?

- I think you got them all.
- Okay.

I hope you get the result
you're looking for.

No, it's not for me.

- It's my sister.
- I'm sorry?

- I... did you see that?
- See what?

Okay, um, I just...

Is there any other stuff
I should get for my sister?

Like, um... maternity underwear?

- How long has she been pregnant?
- Oh, God, I don't know.

I don't know anything
about her private life.

I do know, however, that the past
few weeks she has been...

pretty busy.
( laughs )

I'd hold off
on the maternity underwear.

Isn't this nice how the lettering
works on these... on these tops?

- ( cell phone ringing )
- Thank you.

Oh, brother. I'm just... you know what?
I've got the treasury secretary calling.

Let me take this
and I'm gonna be right back.

I'm so sorry. Pardon me.
Hello? Hello, Ted?

Hey. So are you looking
for a little afternoon delight?

No. Listen to me for a second.
I gotta tell you something.

I might be pregnant.
All right?

I'm sorry to have to be so blunt about
it, but I don't have a lot of time.

Um, guys, can I have
five minutes?

- What?
- One second, please.

- Are you still there?
- That's impossible.

No, it's not impossible.
I'm not that old.

- Oh, my God.
- All right, you over that bombshell?

Because that bombshell just
gave birth to a bigger bombshell.

The press know about this.

- Oh, fuck.
- I know.

So this is what
we're gonna do, all right?

We're getting married.
And the plan is

that we got engaged, like, six weeks ago
or something, all right?

You proposed by giving me
some sort of a ring

in a heart-shaped, fuckin'
oyster thing or something.

You know, the key is
in the details, though, Ted.

- Okay?
- ( sighs ) Okay.

Anyway, listen, you've
gotta get me a ring.

You've gotta go,
you've gotta get a ring now.

And it's gonna have to be
a big one.

Well, what size is your finger?

I don't know how fucking
big my finger is, Ted!

Just be a man, stand up,

get the fuckin' ring, all right?

Okay.

You're fucking kidding.

Ma'am, I'm sorry.
I couldn't help but overhear.

I just... you're getting married.

I wanted to be the first one
to offer my congratulations.

- Okay. Ken?
- Yeah.

Read my lips...
Don't read my lips.

- You understand me?
- Yeah.

- Okay. I got it. Okay.
- You got it?

- Let's go.
- Let's go.

8- Jim Palmer.
- Madam Vice President.

-Nice to meet you.
-What a treat...

- Welcome to Camden Yards.
- Thank you.

- So, Jim, you are a hall-of-famer.
- They let me in there.

Oh, yes, that is a
wonderful thing to be in...

in the hall of fame, for sure.

- For sure.
- Yes.

- ( men chuckle )
- Okay.

( mouths words )

Ken: Okay, it's time for
the group photo, right?

All right, great.
Okay, everyone say "Orioles."

- Orioles!
- Great.

- I guess we're done. We got the shot.
- Got it.

Okay, everybody,
thank you so much.

God bless America.
Okay, thank you.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Veep has left the stadium.
She's gonna be here in 20.

- ( groans )
- Okay.

One last push to keep
these kids entertained.

You know, I saw a guitar in there.
You play the guitar, all right?

- Not in this situation.
- Yes. Yes.

Amy, no. My guitar is for seduction,
not crowd control, all right?

Granted, on a good night
that's one and the same, but still.

No, we're finding you a guitar.
That's what we're doing.

Oh, isn't this cute?

- Look at you guys making juice.
- Leon.

Go away. Why are you here?

- Oh...
- She means hello.

I actually have a story I'd like
to discuss with the veep.

She here yet?

No. No, of course not,
because she hates punctuality

almost as much
as good governance.

So what should we do, guys?

# Dormez-vous?
Dormez-vous? #

# Sonnez les matines,
sonnez les matines... #

( sirens blaring )

No, I'm sorry, sir. We have
no comment on that at the moment.

Thank you. Goodbye.
Why would we need to ban smiling?

It's not like something we have
time for in the first place.

( cell phone ringing )

- Ma'am.
- Sue, listen...

Ted proposed to me
about six to eight weeks ago, okay?

Oh, congratulations, ma'am.

No, no, no, he didn't really.
We're just gonna pretend that he did.

Okay. I assume he's in on this.

So now what I need you to do
is go to my calendar thing, please,

and let's find a date where
this would have happened.

The Children of Courage Awards...
Would he have proposed then?

No, no, uh-uh.
That's kids with alopecia,

their mothers are on crack...
that's a complete freak show.

Okay. Ah. Two months ago,

you and Ted went to an ice hockey
game and had dinner after.

Perfect. Yes. Okay?
Thank you very much.

Sue, Sue, Sue,
did the president call?

- No.
- No. Yeah, okay. Right.

The "as" and the "es"
are like your basics.

That's like the roots of blues and
stuff.

But if you really... if you get
into some of the funkier stuff,

that's the... see, it's the sevenths.

It's the minor sevenths
that give it that...

sort of that autumn...
that sort of gloom to it.

I just love that.

It's kind of moody, sort
of sleepy, but I like it.

It's... it does well with the...

You'll figure that out
when you get older. So it's...

- Leon: You having fun?
- Kids: No.

Hear that? No fun. You are no fun.

- The vice president is here.
- All: Yay!

- Leon West is here.
- Oh, great.

Now all we need
are my parents on Skype.

- Do you have the tests?
- I have one. Gary's coming with more.

We're gonna have more tests
than you have pee.

- You told Gary?
- ( kids screaming )

- Oh, hello!
- So he could get the tests.

Okay, we'll found out.
I'll just have Gary do the tests.

- How will that work?
- No, not with his pee, Amy.

- ( laughs ) Hi!
- Dan: Wait a second. So... so, ma'am...

- So you're the one who's pregnant?
- I might be pregnant.

- So we're looking at a wedding.
- Or a suicide. I haven't decided which.

Look at these fantastic children!

- Madam Vice President.
- Hello. I'm so sorry I'm late.

I have never meant
those words more.

A pleasure to meet you. The children
are waiting and ready for you.

You know, I need to use the ladies' room
very briefly, if I may.

Of course.
The staff restroom is right there.

Fantastic. I'm also parched
and I'm wondering if I might...

- Can I have a cup of water?
- Of course.

- Maybe in a paper cup?
- Yeah.

- This is all we have. Here.
- Oh! Well, this is...

- Okay, it's in a plastic, clear...
- It should be fine.

- Selina: It'll be fine.
- It'll be fine.

Selina: Thank you.

- ( camera clicking )
- Okay, cool it.

Oh, good lord.

So what do you think?
Is she really pregnant?

How should I know?

- You're a woman.
- What?

You think that as a woman I
might sense some disturbance

in the fuckin' "lady matrix"?

- Hey, Ken. How's it going?
- Good.

Hey, I missed that photo
with the Orioles.

Do you think you can kind of do
your magic and photoshop me into it?

- Technically, yes.
- Oh, okay.

Ethically, no.
I document. I don't invent.

Do it yourself.

Okay. You got hot hands.

Hey, did she sing
with the kids yet?

- Not yet.
- No. Awesome. Where is she?

8- Bathroom.
- Okay.

- Holy shitballs. Leon West is here?
- Uh-huh. I thought you knew that.

The guy's like gay porn...
He's everywhere.

Okay, okay, they only had three types
of pregnancy tests I could find.

Hi, Gary. Okay, that's okay.
We have plenty.

- She's in the bathroom.
- Why are we doing this now?

Because you said that the
pregnancy story is out there,

so we need to make sure right now.

- Hey, Mike.
- Hi, ma'am.

I never said the pregnancy
story's out there.

Yes. On the phone you said the press

"is saying that she's pregnant."

I said she's repugnant.
I said Selina's repugnant.

What? Why am I repugnant?

Leon said it in reference

to you firing the secret service agent.

- The smile story?
- Yeah.

Why is that story out there now, Mike?

- I don't know.
- Yeah, "I don't know."

- Really?
- Ma'am, if we just table this...

I think we should just
knock off the kid thing.

- Lower that.
- We need to get this over with.

You know, I think we're ready.
Very excited for the kids.

- Here, can you test this?
- Oh!

( clears throat )

( laughing )
Hi! Oh, Leon!

So pleased to be shaking
your hand right at this moment.

- It's wonderful to see you, too.
- Just delighted.

Have you met Ken?
Ken, let's get moving.

Teacher: Right this way.

Well, I'm so sorry
I was a little bit late,

but I had to hang out with a
bunch of boring grown-ups.

- Bugh. Boo!
- Kids: Boo!

- Boo!
- ( laughing )

Mrs. Saunders, I understand that
the boys and girls

have a song that they wanna sing.

Okay, kids. Now, after four.

All right?
One, two, three, four.

# If you're happy and you know it #

Hey, dad. Just wait until you see
the photo. It's awesome.

You're right, I do
do a proper man's job.

I do. Oh, God.

# If you're happy and you know it
Nod your head #

# if you're happy and you know it
Nod your head #

- # if you're happy and you know... #
- You're very, very pregnant.

# And you really wanna show it #

# if you're happy and you know it
Nod your head... #

# If you're happy and you know it
Shout hooray #

# Hooray! #

# If you're happy and you know it
Shout hooray #

# Hooray! #

# If you're happy and you know it
And you really wanna show it #

# If you're happy and you know it
Shout hooray #

# Hooray! #

Oh, wow! That was marvelous.
Wasn't that great?

- Fun day. Thank you so...
- Wasn't it great?

Yes, what a good song. We're gonna
have to go on to the next thing.

Oh, darn it. We have to leave.
What a shame.

I wish I could be here all day.

- Good job.
- Okay, good job.

Wonderful. Bye-bye, everybody.

- Bye!
- Bye.

Bye-bye. See you later.
Don't touch.

That's it? How about that, kids?
Waited all day for that.

( music playing )