Original subtitles

*THE SIMPSONS*

Guten Abend, Herr Horatio.

Gib mir die Karte.

Springfield, eh?

Then that's where I'm going treasure hunting.

You mean we're going treasure hunting.

We'll find that sunken ship within the week.

Grid 274 by 319.

Depth 60 meters. Sounding.

Nothing.

Proceed to next reading.

Grid 274 by 320.

Depth 60 meters. Sounding.

Nothing.

Yarr.

*THE SIMPSONS* Season 31 Episode 12

Episode Title: "The Miseducation of Lisa Simpson"

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Sync & corrections by srjanapala

Captain, the long-range Doppler shows a squall

coming out of the nor'east.

Hmm. We'd best head back to wait it out.

Let me guess,

you didn't find any treasure today.

Did you talk to the doctor

about going up on your dose?

The storm stirred up the seafloor.

We'll have to resound everything south of the break.

Grid 274 by six.

Depth 30 meters. Sounding.

Nothing.

I made us a roast for dinner,

then threw it away.

I'm sorry I never gave you any children.

Grid 291 by 502.

Depth 70 meters. Sounding.

Arr.

A second ping.

A second ping!

I've waited half a lifetime to say this.

Divers, gear up!

We found it.

We finally found it, boys!

I didn't waste my life!

Yarr.

I see you've come to admire our plunder.

Er, technically that plunder belongs to the town.

It was discovered in Springfield city limits.

No, we found the gold in unincorporated waters!

The survey says it's ours!

Sorry, but the town redrew the boundaries...

yesterday.

But we worked in secret for 40 years.

I pretended to be a flimsy, one-note character.

How did you know?

I should have been your treasure.

Yarr...

All right, people. This town's got doubloons.

Who's got ideas?

If I don't hear anything good, we're building another stadium,

and no team will come here.

How about a new town clock where, every hour,

Jesus forgives the Devil?

A new zoo with more attractive animals.

What about those death panels we were promised?

Shouting out something before I know what I'm gonna say.

Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

with no Pearl Jam!

Uh, excuse me. I have an idea.

Now, Marge, if you'll check your program,

nagging objections are at the end.

Look at the world.

Our children's future is challenging and uncertain.

This windfall is our last, best hope

to give our kids the tools they'll need

to face that future.

To succeed, our kids must have an education

based on science, technology,

engineering and math.

STEM.

All who find Marge's idea tiresome,

let out an exaggerated, sarcastic yawn.

Okay, okay. I brought someone

you will listen to about STEM education.

Columbia recording artist John Legend.

♪ STEM, science, tech, engineering and math ♪

♪ More than a trendy way to say computer class ♪

♪ STEM, it's not just for dorks, dweebs and nerds ♪

♪ It'll turn all your dumb kids to Zuckerbergs ♪

♪ STEM, 'cause the future is written in code ♪

♪ Make an app, get big cash from an IPO ♪

♪ STEM ♪

♪ Oh, STEM. ♪

Who could say no to a silky slow jam

about the importance of technology-based learning?

I'll never have kids

because my nards were cooked by science.

But if I could, I'd want 'em to learn

about the science of why they don't exist.

I'd just like to thank John Legend...'s wife

Chrissy Teigen for bringing him here today.

Turns out, there's nothing she loves more

than doing personal favors for her Instagram followers.

Well, Marge, you did call the picture I posted

of my kids with ketchup on their faces "adorbs."

It was. It was totes adorbs.

Baby, we got to get going. We're gonna be late

for the launch party for our couples' perfume.

I'm talking to my online friend IRL.

Go charge the kids' iPads.

Come on, Springfield!

Build your children the school of tomorrow.

I did it.

I gave our kids hope for the future.

You have any songs about how I should be allowed

to skip jury duty?

♪ How is it justice to impanel a man ♪

♪ During March Madness? ♪

What are you gonna do with your forced retirement, sir?

I'm intrigued by a local skydiving club

who needs someone to sit in the office and answer phones.

Yeah, well, who cares?

I'll be taking an Ohio River cruise.

Lot of widows on the Good River.

Lot of widows.

New school smell.

Paperless classrooms, personal tablets,

and uncrammable lockers.

Aw. Man, this is embarrassing.

Bart Simpson.

Welcome. I'm Zane Furlong, this school's CEO:

Collaborative Educational Outreacher.

I'm gonna stop you right there, Skinner 2.0.

It doesn't matter how you dress it up.

All schools are kid prisons.

Well, I'm putting you in solitary,

where you'll learn geometry by shooting meteors.

Shoot enough,

and you'll unlock customizable skins.

Skins?

That's how boys play dress-up.

Lisa Simpson.

Our educational metric has identified you

as a divergent multipathway assimilator.

You mean, I'm in a gifted class?

Ooh, we don't like that term.

Everyone is gifted.

I firmly believe that.

Now go upstairs to the...

gifted class.

Finally, I feel seen.

And for the first time, I'll be accepted by my peers

with open arms.

I'm home.

Okay, gifted class.

Recess is over.

Aw!

Now, this school is so advanced

that every aspect of it is run by an algorithm.

Who can give me an example of an algorithm?

Oh! Like when you buy a new garbage can online

and the rest of your life, you see ads for garbage cans.

Or like when you watch a bunch of close-up magic videos

on YouTube and get ads for a suicide hotline.

Exactly.

And because you liked this lesson,

the algorithm thinks you might also enjoy...

How was your first day

at the new STEM school I founded?

It was amazing. We did science,

then we did computer science,

and then we did cognitive computer science.

Oh, what a surprise.

Lisa likes school. All right, boy.

What did you get suspended for today?

Nothing.

I like this school, too.

Instead of teachers giving us letter grades,

an algorithm gives us stars.

Education is a game now, and I'm great at it.

Look at all these skins I've already unlocked.

Whoa. Oh, that guy.

Noice.

I even unlocked the "Skin Unlocking" badge.

Whoo-hoo!

Tell us, what do you do, Mr. Simpson?

Ah, yes. I monitor the core temperature

at the nuclear power plant.

If it gets into the red,

I tell my family first so they can leave town

before the streets get too crowded.

- Now, this is a great example... - Uh-huh.

...of the kind of job that will soon cease to exist.

What the words now?

Mr. Simpson's daily tasks

can be more efficiently performed by robots.

My guess is, his job will be obsolete in 18 months.

What about them?

How much time do their careers have?

- I'm a librarian. - Five years.

I just bought a New York City taxi medallion.

Five years ago.

I do social media for a cannabis delivery company.

You'll be fine.

But all these other jobs will soon be made obsolete

by automation.

Oh, no. The robots are coming!

I've got to warn everyone!

Stupid kids!

I'm getting five stars in all my classes.

I finally unlocked dreadlock sideburns.

Someone's user name is moving up the leaderboard.

Cowabunga.

Now get back downstairs

to prepare for the jobs of tomorrow.

Whoo-hoo! It's a race to the bottom!

Hmm?

Hmm.

Bart, I've never seen you so engaged in learning.

It's awesome. We're seeing how many e-scooters

we can collect around town,

charge, then get back on the streets.

Oh, I see. You're learning logic and spatial reasoning.

All I know is, if I don't get ten scooters in under a minute,

I won't unlock the Master Collector badge.

Got it!

Learning rules!

Oh, you must be teaching the kids about nutrition

and staying within a budget, right?

No. We're teaching them to buy groceries for lazy rich people.

This avocado will be perfectly ripe in two days.

I wonder what they taste like.

Hmm.

Uber-driving.

Grubhub'ing.

Lyft-driving?

These aren't jobs of the future.

These are side hustles!

Guys, guys.

The robots are coming. The robots are coming!

Robots here?

Uh, this place ain't exactly forward-thinking.

Yeah. We're one of America's

last coal-powered nuclear plants.

Yeah? Well, you can all bury your heads in the sandwiches,

but I know the robots are coming to replace us!

Calm down, Homer.

Here, have a drink from the new soda machine we got.

The machines are already here,

and when they take over, you can't imagine

how bleak the future will be.

I choose to believe our best days are ahead of us.

It's giving us orders.

The revolution has begun.

Hmm. Hmm.

Uh-oh. I know that look.

She's gonna Lisa-up a good thing.

Attention, students!

This school isn't training you to program apps.

It's training you to obey apps!

When you're grown up,

you'll be lucky to make minimum wage!

Which is a lot of money!

That's like getting your allowance every hour.

Wha...? No, no.

You deserve the same chance to succeed as the gifted class.

That means preparing for real careers,

not gig economy gigs.

Gigs are awesome! DJs play gigs!

- DJs! - DJs! - DJs! - DJs!

Aah! This has nothing to do with deejaying!

Oh...

Aw. At least they're learning art.

Tip jars?!

That's it. I got to fix this school.

Stop messing with the school.

I finally filled up enough virtual pee bottles

to unlock the Amazon Warehouse Whizzer badge.

Ew.

Bart, I need to rewrite the algorithm.

Then the school will teach every kid real STEM.

I am doing this for you.

Yeah? Well, I'm doing this for me.

Education for all!

Side hustles for most!

Kids, what's wrong?

Your tracking implants showed heightened emotions.

- Tracking what? - Teacher, teacher, my sister's

gonna ruin the only school I've ever liked in my whole life!

It's just not fair that only a small group of kids

are getting an advanced education!

Well, isn't that the point of a gifted class?

Eep.

Lisa, the algorithm's purpose

is to prepare kids for the jobs of tomorrow.

But it's just teaching them to be the task rabbits of today.

Nobody knows what the jobs of tomorrow are gonna be.

Well, I'm sure the algorithm does.

Here, I'll ask it.

Wait, wait, this can't be.

There's only one.

We are so screwed.

One Buzz Cola with vanilla and lime.

Diet Buzz for me.

With vanilla and lime.

Aw, geez. This again?

Yeah, we have an active lifestyle,

and part of that is drinking soda all day.

If it's refreshments you want,

why not let a man pour your soda!

A human man.

For too long we have done nothing

as machines have taken over, washing our dishes,

pumping our insulin, and now this!

Man can pour soda better than any machine

made specially for that purpose, and I will prove it!

Today the robot uprising ends.

Today is our Independence Day!

♪ Well, Homer pulled a lot of sodas ♪

♪ Because he hated that machine ♪

♪ He got confused, thought it was gonna take his job ♪

♪ So Homer was a soda-pouring man, Lord, Lord ♪

♪ Oh, Homer was a soda-pouring man ♪

♪ He did not make his point ♪

♪ And his sodas were warm and flat ♪

♪ So Homer was a soda-pouring man, Lord, Lord ♪

♪ Soda-pouring's not a real thing ♪

♪ No, sir. ♪

Homer might have been slower,

but his pours had a human touch.

Always delivered with a smile and a sense of brotherhood.

Yeah! - All right!

But he died. So machine wins!

No, no, wait. His pulse was beating so fast

from all the soda he drank that it was a blur.

Perhaps one day machines will be better

at pouring soda than man, but not today!

Our jobs are safe!

Listen up.

These nerds have found out something terrifying.

This school was supposed to prepare you

for the jobs of the future.

But in the future, all the jobs we've learned here

will be done by robots.

The only job left for humans will be...

Elder care!

The one job even robots won't do.

What about STEM?

Here's what it really stands for.

- No! - No, it can't be!

I don't want to be an adult butt wiper.

No one should see old people naked!

Unless that's your kink.

Let's show this algorithm what we really think of it...

With our generation's most powerful tool:

user ratings.

User rating dangerously low.

One star.

Self-esteem protocol failing.

Emotion matrix spiraling...

spiraling.

Zero stars.

Can't get out of virtual bed.

Initiating self-destruct sequence.

Self-destruct.

I have to go back! My skins are in there!

No! They're already gone!

Camo-hat Santa! No!

I guess the children will have to go back to the old school.

Yes, well, I don't know that that's possible anymore.

My school.

My forward-thinking school.

There, there. You'll suggest other schools.

You really think so?

I'm just saying things.

Goodbye, gifted class.

Yeah, but we escaped having to take care of old people.

No, that's still the only job that's going to exist.

Now we just won't know how to do it.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Sync & corrections by srjanapala

I've got your hot wings.

Did you include celery sticks?

Yes, sir.

What do you really think the jobs of the future will be?

Well, technology is changing so fast,

who knows where it will finally take us?

Buzz Cola.

You want diet or regular?

Regular, human scum.

With vanilla and lime.

The algorithm never predicted this.

What's an algorithm?

Well, Melvin sounds like he was a wonderful man.

You know, I would love to sketch you.

Shh!