All language subtitles for Outmatched s01e04_English

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-(dance music playing)
-Brian. Hey, Brian.

It's 4:00 in the morning.

Can you do whatever this is
quieter and never?

Hello?

(music stops)

What are you doing?

I'm using music to stimulate

a colony of nocturnal
smart plankton.

Why can't it ever
just be a party?

It is. A plankton party.

-Please go to bed.
-I can't sleep.

Oh. Hey, buddy. It's okay.

Brian's turned the music down.

It's not Brian, it's girl Brian.

Yori yoi denpa
no ii basho ni ikimasu.

Why are you awake
and dressed like you're halfway

through a magic trick?

I'm interviewing
for an internship in Tokyo.

Can't it wait until tomorrow?

In Tokyo, it is tomorrow.

I have show-and-tell soon.

You guys are killing me.

Okay, guys,
this isn't a Greek diner.

We close here.

-But my plankton.
-But my thing
that actually matters.

Okay, all right.
Fine, how much time do you need?

Ten? 20? Just give me something
I can take upstairs to your mom.

-What just happened?
-I lost Wi-Fi.

The power is off for the night.

And maybe the water. I don't
know, I hit a lot of things.

It will come back on
during normal human awake time.

To bed, all of you, now.

You're worse than the yakuza.

I don't know what Freud
saw in his mother.

Well, I'm wide awake now.
I guess I'll go for a run.

Yeah, get me two glazed.

Okay, I don't always go
to the donut store

when I go for a r-- Okay,
but if the jellies are fresh,

you're gonna want one.

*

Hey.

What are you looking for?

Oh, the popcorn fundraiser
starts today at Leila's school

and I volunteered
to bring the ribbons,

but now I can't remember
where I put them

or why I volunteered.
(chuckles)

That's funny. I can't remember
why I became a mom.

I guess we all have our stuff.

Brian and Nicole still mad
at you about the other night?

Well, Nicole just yelled at me
in five different languages.

Russian hurt the most.

It's like being yelled at
by a car that won't start.

(imitating Russian)

But they did have a way
I could make it up to them.

They sent me
a 35-page proposal explaining

why we should let them move out,
into their own apartment.

(laughs) Oh, man.
Are they out of their minds?

We would never read 35 pages.

So, this is something else
I'll have to say no to.

You know, it just really sucks.

Everything I do is for them,

and the thanks I get
is them hating me for it.

Yeah, well, it's tough.

Got to have a thick skin
to be in this bidness.

(chuckles)
Like you would know.

You're Mr. "20 more minutes"
or "Let's hear them out"

or "I would say yes if it
weren't for merp-merp."

I am merp-merp.

All right, look,
if I'm being honest,

I think that you can be a little
trigger-happy with the noes.

Sometimes I think you actually
like being the bad guy.

No one likes being the bad guy.

But I have to do it
because-- how should I put this?

(clucking)

What is happening?
Why are you a chicken?

You are scared of having
the kids be mad at you.

You need to be liked, which
means I have to be the bad guy

because you can't handle it.

Excuse me.

I can be the bad guy. Okay?

I'll prove it.
I'm gonna go up there right now

and I am gonna tell them
that there is no way

they are moving
out of this house.

Because-because I am
the opposite of a chicken.

I'm a-a... Uh,
what's the bravest bird?

Uh...

Owls are wise, uh,
penguins are fancy?

Turkeys are kind of sassy.

-Are you stalling?
-It started out that way,

but now I really want
to crack this bird thing.

The devastation is catastrophic.

You know you'll have
to kill any survivors.

Leila, what did we learn
from Chernobyl?

The mistake wasn't the meltdown,
it was letting word get out.

NICOLE:
Mom,

did you have a chance to review
the material we sent over

regarding our exciting
living opportunity?

We also have a hard copy.

Actually, your mom filled me in,

and unfortunately,
it's going to be a...

Mike, these are our
profoundly gifted children.

I think we should hear them out.

MIKE:
I see.

Throwing my words back at me.

Aren't you the sassiest
of turkeys?

Brother, you have the floor.

If the other night
has taught us anything,

it's that our current
living situation is untenable.

Or what you might call a bummer.

It's clear Brian and I
need more space and freedom

to reach our full potential.

We need to be able to make calls
on an international schedule,

to grow whatever we need
in the bathtub

and we can finally have
our own refrigerator

to ensure that
our liquid nitrogen

doesn't get used
to make Jell-O shots.

And frankly,
anything we need you guys for,

we can do on our phones.

Rides, meal delivery,
and for emotional needs,

you can still call us.

So, what do you think?

Pretty convincing.

Yeah, I don't know
how you can say no to that.

Well, I'm out.

Looks like you're gonna be
pretty busy here,

so I'm gonna take
Leila's popcorn thing.

Come on, Leils.

That felt like a yes from Mom.

Yeah, I now really see
how unhelpful that quality is.

This really means
a lot to us, Dad. Please.

I appreciate
all the thought and work

that you have put into this,
but I-I have to say...

...yes.

Really? T-Thank you.

Oh.

(grunts)

But really, the answer is no.

What?

I-I know you're gonna
hate me for this,

so I just wanted
to bank some love.

What is wrong with you?

You would lie
to your children for a hug?

And it worked. Let's celebrate.

Whatever.

In a few days,
they'll forget all about this.

We have photographic memories.

I remember things from the womb.

That's not possible.

(humming)

You used to sing that to me.

I didn't care for it.

-Hey.
-What are you doing here?

Doesn't Mike usually
come to this kind of stuff?

Oh, he's home proving
a point to himself

that's gonna ruin his weekend.

So I get to have some mindless
fun with my mindless child.

-That's a compliment.
-Yeah.

Well, if you're looking for fun,
you come to the wrong place.

'Cause this is where fun
comes to die,

then gets fried in butter
and put in these little bags.

Yeah. The vibe in here
is a little untenable.

I just learned
that means bummer.

Well, you can thank
Kourtney Kamanski for that.

She's the president of the PTA.

KAY:
Why is she making that woman
count unpopped kernels?

I mean, doesn't she know this is
just a volunteer popcorn party?

Hmm, yeah.
Somebody need to tell her.

You need to tell her.

-Huh?
-Oh, this is
a perfect job for you.

Oh, no. You can take her down.

Why me? Why does everyone think
I want to pick fights

and be the bad guy? No. No.

I am not doing this.

Besides, I'm sure
she's not that bad.

That's 927 kernels.

-Good.
-(exhales)

Now do it again
and get it right this time.

Well, it is a school.
People should know how to count.

Oh. Hey, guys. Who's hungry?

I made my famous
three-cheese grilled cheese.

Except it's only got
two cheeses, it's microwaved

and one of the cheeses is love.

Let me guess,
the second we reach for it,

you rip it out of our mouths
because you don't think

we're mature enough to chew?

Yeah, well, I can chew
with the best of them, mister.

Okay, I get it.
You guys are still mad at me.

Whatever, it-it's fine.

We're not mad at you, Michael.

BRIAN:
Based on our projections,

our anger won't fully actualize
until tomorrow.

Then the animosity builds
from there.

By 2024, I'll be watching
you guys enjoy Thanksgiving

from my parked car outside?

Be grateful.

By 2025,
you don't even have a car.

Hey, guys, guys. Come on.
Look... (chuckles)

Don't you think
you're being a little unfair?

We're unfair?

You didn't even read this
before euthanizing our idea.

This house is a kill shelter
for our hopes and dreams.

We addressed
every possible issue.

Safety, practicality.

We even called the financial
section "money stuff"

so you'd understand.

(mutters softly)
W-What is that number?

-That's the rent for the year.
-What?

That says $15,000.

W-Why would you think
we can afford that?

Well, based on
your estimated income, 401(k),

an approximation
of your investment portfolio...

We don't have any of that stuff.

So we don't have money
for the new apartment?

(laughs):
N-No, we don't.

And-and that is the real reason

why I said no before.
(groans)

Look, if you guys want to be
mad at me, that-that's fine.

I totally understand. But just
know that you can never be

more mad at me
than I am at myself.

It's already 2024
on your chart...

(whispers):
...in here.

Oh, Dad.

-Your secret shame.
-Oh...

Thanks, Bri.

Come on, Nicole, bring it in.

Luckily, hugs are free.
(chuckles)

Quick follow-up:

If you're saying the money's
the real issue,

what if Brian and I
could get it?

What?

Yeah.

The live-work loft
is on hold until Friday.

Based off what you're saying,

if we get the money,
you'd sign off?

That does seem to be
where we're at. (chuckles)

But yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah.

If the two of you,
who have been burning money

since the second I made you...
(chuckles)

...can make $15,000 by Friday,
then, yeah.

Happy housewarming! (chuckles)

-Huzzah!
-Thanks, Dad.

-Yeah.
-You're the best.

No, you-- you guy--
you're the best.

There he stood.
Proud, despite his folly.

It was the first time I recall
feeling shame for my father.

But it would not be the last.

Marc, don't narrate
with your mouth full.

Popcorn shot.

-Ooh. Hair of the dog.
-Uh-huh.

Popcorn misuse.
That's going in the log.

Ooh. I know that look.

That's the same look that came
right before

the gym teacher's wife
ripped your earrings out.

Well, maybe I should say
a little something.

Yes! There she is.
There's my girl.

-But...
-Mmm?

I am going to be nice.

Okay, yeah.
Whatever, you know.

Just open your mouth.
See what comes out. Go ahead.

Hey... Kourtney.

I just want to talk to you,
you know?

About how things are run
around here.

Before she keeps talking,
I would like to go on record

that I don't know this bitch.

What was that?

Look, I know it's hard
being the one in charge.

You know, you're the one
keeping everyone in line.

-And the thanks you get
is everyone hates you for it.
-What?

Everyone hates me?

Well, um, obviously,

you're not
the most popular person here,

but you must have known that.

I mean, you made Rachael cry.

I thought that's because
her husband is cheating on her.

-Never mind.
-No.

I understand now.

I don't need to be
somewhere I'm not wanted.

Good luck raising the money

to get the raccoons
out of the music room.

Whoo!

Yes!

That is my girl!

So, you really
laid into Kourtney, huh?

-Leila said you "owned her ass."
-It was an accidental owning.

I was trying to be nice.

Two pair.

On the bright side,
now that Kourtney's gone,

tomorrow might actually be fun.

Yeah. And if it's not,

-you can always find
another stranger to yell at.
-Mmm.

Tough talk from someone
who I guess

told our teenagers they could
move out of the house.

I didn't say
they could move out.

I said they could move out "if."

I knew you'd "if" this up.

Flush.

Admit it.
You can't handle them

being mad at you,
so you crumbled.

No... no.

I just figured out a better way.

See, we don't have to be
the bad guy.

Reality can be the bad guy.

See, the good news is,

we brought the kids
into a cruel world

that shoots down people's dreams
all the time.

Why should we say no when that
fat blue jerk, the world,

will do it for us?

You're not worried
they might call your bluff

and get the money?

How?

I couldn't get $15,000
by Friday

if I found $14,000
and a magic lamp.

Ooh.

Might as well just call me
Uncle Jesse, 'cause full house.

Royal flush.
Ha-ha.

You know what that means.

(sighs)

Oh, wait.

(slow music playing)

Do it slow.

Whoo!

What's going on?

Why isn't popcorn happening?

Well, without Kourtney,

we don't really know
what we're supposed to do.

We're like a bunch
of high school kids

trying to sell
a suitcase of cocaine

that we found in the woods.

Well, we figured that out,
we can figure this out.

Come on, guys.
We are all adults here.

We can do this ourselves,

and we're gonna have to,
because Kourtney is gone

and not coming back.

She's right.

Without Kourtney here,
we don't even need to be here.

Wait. No, um, n--

At least leave the donuts!

(knock on door)

Mike-Mike? Hey. Whoa.

What is this?

Some crazy genius science stuff?

What are they getting at today?

A pill that takes the hair
from your back

-and puts it on your head?
-(chuckles)

No. Actually, they are starting
a coffee business.

Oh, excellent.
Another guinea pig. Try this.

Mmm!

-Mmm.
-Brian. The Sumatra's a hit!

Mmm... (spits)

Crap!
That was terrible.

And I'm not even picky.

I once found a glove
in a salad,

and I just ate around it.

My kids might be smart,
but they have no common sense.

They actually think
they're gonna make $15,000

selling coffee?

When this blows up and they
don't get the apartment,

I'm still the good guy.

Yeah, Mike, but you could've
just told me that

without letting me drink
this hot cup of garbage.

(phone chimes)

Why am I getting
trade confirmation alerts

from my investment account?

I'm no wolf of Wall Street,

but sounds like
someone's confirming trades.

For an account I opened
three years ago,

-with 20 bucks and then
immediately lost the password?
-What are you buying?

I don't know.
Seems like, uh...

...shares of coffee!

Wait, M-Mike, Mike.
Should my mouth be numb?

I think this coffee
broke my mouth!

-Hi.
-Hey, how was...

Stick up a multiplex?

Nope. Popcorn Day,
which apparently never ends,

-blew up in my face.
-Oh.

Well, not gonna say
"I told you so",

and I hope you remember that.

I also hope you remember
that we love each other

unconditionally,
in a legally binding way.

-Hmm. Oh, and you screwed up
with the kids.
-Yeah, maybe.

But at worst,
it's white collar crime,

and I've seen those prisons.

Nicer than this house.

Well, we can say adiós
to the Spanish Club's money.

We've got bigger problems.

This algorithm's got us
$1,300 in the hole.

We need more cash.
Think. Think!

What's the name of that guy
that didn't invite you

to his bar mitzvah?

Be more specific.

Zack Rosenfeld.
He's swimming in gift cards.

I'll make the call.

Zach, baby, mazel!

Excuse me, uh, h-hello?
What are you two doing?

I keep getting investment alerts
on my phone.

Nicole developed
a stock market algorithm

to crack the coffee market.

Hey, Dad.
How would you like to be

a part of an exciting
new investment opportunity?

Okay. Wait.
Why were you having us

taste all those
terrible coffees?

It was research. We had to
figure out the worst ones,

so we could sell them short.

Oh, so you're gonna listen
to your mommy now?

I don't care
what your rabbi says,

you're not a man!

Zack's out!

Well, your stupid algorithm
keeps buying us

worthless futures
with money we don't have.

It wasn't ready to go live.

This isn't
the algorithm's fault.

It's yours.
Coffee was your ridiculous idea.

I wanted soy beans.

Soy beans? I can't believe
I was gonna live with someone

who thought soy beans
were a growth market.

Okay, okay, okay.
All right.

Calm down.

We can figure this out.

What if you guys made a pill

that could take the hair
from your back

and put it on your head?

Trading floor's closed!

Here's what happens now:
you're grounded,

you're not moving out,

and you're going to pay back
all of that money.

And if you want to hate me
for this,

you can hate me, I don't care.

Thank you so much, Mom.

NICOLE:
We need boundaries.

Okay. Now, go downstairs
and hose down your sister.

She is covered in butter!

How great was that hug?
Can you describe it to me?

IRWIN:
Can somebody help me, 'cause
it's really dark down here!

*

Hey. Good news.

I smoothed everything over
with Kourtney.

Just flashed a smile,
a little Mike Bennett charm,

and signed up for
four back-to-back shifts

in the dunk tank
at the Spring Fling.

It's kind of helpful
having a husband

with a compulsive need
to be liked.

Also pretty great having a wife
who likes shutting things down,

and doesn't mind that people
are terrified of her.

Well, it worked out today.

You screwed up so hard,
they actually hugged me.

So I guess I kind of owe you.

How you gonna pay me back?

Well... I did figure out
what kind of bird you are.

A dirty bird.

Come on, Kay, I...

I was excited there.

I thought you really figured out
what bird I was.

I'm sorry. I was just
trying to start something.

No, I know,
I know, I know, just,

you really got my hopes up.

I've really been trying
to crack this bird thing.

Fine. You're a...

a toucan.

Oh, my God.

Toucans are sellouts.

It's like you don't
even know me.

Are we seriously not having sex
because of birds?

I am not having sex
with someone who thinks

that I am a toucan.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson
are Outmatched.

See all-new episodes
Thursdays on Fox.